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#im literally watching myself become a failure in real time and i cant stand it some days. genuinely what a waste.
thedevotionaltour · 3 months
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anyone else ever remember how they are gonna end up in some dead end soul sucking job instead of the actual career they wanna pursue because they are far too unskilled for it. just me. awesome.
#sometimes i get a twinge of hope bc my classmates will say nice things and then i remember the reality that exists and is real.#where i just suck. i lack so much technical skill. i feel like i have to reteach myself how to draw constantly. my style is not distinct.#it looks like the quality of a middle schooler's sketchbook where it's a drawing they're proud of but in comparison to anything else#it is just garbage. utter garbage.#i have been in such a horrific slump of feeling about what i make. and i tell my therapist about it. and he never ever actually reassures m#doesnt tell me to maybe ask if im being unfair in my standards. or says i should have some more compassion towards myself.#or finds it an issue in regards to my generally low self esteem. im so fucking tired of being told well. you can always go back to school#to pursue something else after wasting all your fucking time on this stupid fucking degree that will get you nowhere!#i feel hopeless! so utterly fucking hopeless! it doesnt matter when my peers with more skill than me say they like my work bc im positive#they are just being nice. i cant imagine you look at your work and then mine and still find it good and having worth. i cant.#i cant make anything good. im so tired of not being able to make anything good. im tired of not being able to have the motivation to do wor#in my own time to help improve my work because im too fucking tired because im too fucking depressed to do anything. im a failure.#im literally watching myself become a failure in real time and i cant stand it some days. genuinely what a waste.#i dont know what gave me the right to think i could possibly succeed at this. i feel like an idiot for wasting so much time and money.#im not saying this to seek pity or comfort either. im just talking about how i feel. because it just sucks. it just sucks#it sucks to know you will never make it. because even on the days you think maybe you can. it just comes crashing down again to remembering#oh. i wont. because i have none of what it takes for it at all.#man. what even ever at this point. who cares. i'll get over it. it just sucks.#vent.txt
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thebluespirit83 · 3 years
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debunking pro-snape/anti-james arguments and putting it on the internet because clearly i hate myself. buckle up. this is gonna be a VERY long post. im ready for the amount of hate i will get; im willing to take one for the team. 
1. james forced lily into dating/marrying/etc him 
this literally never happened? because its almost as if lily is her own person who is able to stand up for herself-
“I wouldn’t go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid,” said Lily.
“LEAVE HIM ALONE!” Lily shouted. She had her own wand out now. James and Sirius eyed it warily.
She turned on her heel and hurried away [from james]. 
-and so she would not allow someone to walk all over her. its almost as if james (canonically) matured as a person, and she appreciated this, realised he was a good person and got feelings for him? because james’ only negative traits were that he was conceited and a show off. people are able to mature and grow from these things! james did this! he did not ‘force’ lily to go out with him!
2. james and the other marauders bullied snape
you know what, i cant even disagree with this one. you’re right - they did bully him. but lets look a little bit at the context. 
sirius and james were both upper class, naive white rich boys. they are idiots. they were both stupid smart teenagers!! they were popular! and while this does not excuse the gross bullying snape was subject to-
Pink soap bubbles streamed from Snape’s mouth at once; the froth was covering his lips, making him gag, choking him
Several people watching laughed; Snape was clearly unpopular ... Snape was trying to get up, but the jinx was still operating on him; he was struggling, as though bound by invisible ropes.
-it (unfortunately) makes sense with context. james and sirius also stopped bullying people, and even expressed discomfort/regret with the way they acted-
“I’m not proud of it,” said Sirius quickly.
“Of course he was a bit of an idiot!” said Sirius bracingly, “we were all idiots!
[sirius talking to remus] you made us feel ashamed of ourselves sometimes
A lot of people are idiots at the age of fifteen. He grew out of it.
-when they were younger! i’d also like to point out these little lines i noticed when i was finding quotes for my argument which snape stans like to ignore:
James and Snape hated each other from the moment they set eyes on each other
I mean, he [snape] never lost an opportunity to curse James
there was a flash of light and a gash appeared on the side of James’s face, spattering his robes with blood
wow, look at that. the hate they felt for each other was mutual! snape also jinxed james! but oh wait - james was the one who matured! snape was the one who bullied his son twenty years later because he looked like james! 
3. snape didnt abuse the kids at hogwarts 
here’s a real argument i saw when looking through some pro-snape posts: ‘snape wasn’t an abuser, because abusers don’t let their victims retaliate, but snape did let the kids talk back to him’
what. the. fuck?! 
this is the dictionary.com definition of abuse: ‘to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way’ or ‘to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about’. i’m pretty sure snape did both of these things-
“I don’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!”
“So,” said Snape, gripping Harry’s arm so tightly Harry’s hand was starting to feel numb.
Snape threw Harry from him with all his might.
[hermione’s teeth]  "I see no difference."
‘Idiot boy!’ snarled Snape [at neville]
-on multiple occasions. i’d also like to remind you guys that neville’s worst fear is SNAPE?! his TEACHER, a figure that is supposed to be there for emotional and educational support is his worst fear in this entire world?! above the woman who drove his parents to insanity? over failure, over his abusive grandmother, over everything? his teacher? and for the pro-snaper that used this quote-
Nearly everyone laughed. Even Neville grinned apologetically.
-to claim that it was a joke, it isn’t a joke. because when snape came out of that cupboard, he was terrified. yes, it’s an embarrassing thing to have as your boggart, but the point is is that it is. he is terrified of that man. 
4. james only joined the order because his wife was a muggleborn and he ‘had to’
this is just factually incorrect. james had been sticking up for muggleborn rights since he was in school, far before he started dating or even became friends with lily: 
“Apologize to Evans!” James roared at Snape, his wand pointed threateningly at him.
“I’d NEVER call you a - you-know-what!”
so this is literally not true!! plus, at least he did join the order, whatever his reasons where (which were canonically good). snape didnt join the order. snape was friends with someone who suffered discrimination in society, and instead of using his privilege to help her and support her, he joined a group that was set on murdering people like her. when james had a friend who underwent oppression (remus/lycanthropy) you know what he did? he illegally became an animagus. 
5. snape had to be a death eater to survive at hogwarts as he roomed with blood supremacists
this is the shittiest excuse i have ever seen in my entire life. as a poc, this comment really reminds me of the argument ‘i was raised in a racist white household! i cant control my beliefs!’
you can always control your beliefs. i understand not going on big rants about blood inequality in front of a bunch of supremacists, and i understand wanting to blend and fit in (especially because he was unpopular and needed the support the slytherin boys provided), but i will never understand then becoming an active member of the group yourself. he got the dark mark. he helped voldemort. he was a death eater, and a proud one at that! no-one forced him to join. this argument literally makes my blood boil. 
6. snape had a lot of trauma from being raised in an abusive household
okay? so did sirius. so did neville. luna was bullied at school, just like snape. harry lived in an abusive household. did any of those people bully children? did any of those people join a blood supremacist group? and dont get me wrong, im not calling any of these people perfect - they all had a lot of flaws - but none of them hurt another people to the extreme that snape did. 
7. snape saved the trio’s lives many times
this is the absolute bare minimum. ‘oh wow, he didnt let harry die!! what a king! he should be respected and praised! we should excuse all of his other actions because he didnt let people die <3′ 
8. snape is not a perfect person, he also did good that many people overlook
you’re right, snape did do some good things in his life. but unfortunately, for me and many others, doing a couple of good things doesnt excuse all of the shitty, abusive things he did too. we’re not ignoring them - we just dont think they’re good enough reasons to forgive him. 
‘but james and sirius hurt others! you ignore all the bad things they did in favour of the good!’ you do the same thing with snape, first of all. second, they did a lot of good stuff. james’ and sirius’ only crimes were being annoying. for being a bit of a dick, conceited, knew they were hot and were a bit entitled. while these things are annoying as fuck, they were also stupid teens that eventually grew out of their behaviour and became better people. not perfect! better. while snape just stayed bitter at the marauders, long after their deaths, and even took his anger out on an innocent child. 
9. people only hate snape because he was poc and queer coded
as a poc and queer person, please stop. this is a very bad excuse. being poc and queer (which im pretty sure he isnt, but anyway) doesnt excuse you from your actions. plus, a huge amount of harry potter readers are poc and lgbtq. why would they hate snape for those reasons?! 
so thats all i got for today. im not gonna go into a deep snily/jily thing because i literally cannot be bothered. anyway im done. i need to go revise, i’ve already spent long enough on this. 
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oikawa13 · 3 years
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love in the time of köttbullar
Shouyou sets the bowl on the tiny table with a flourish and an itadakimasu! and this is when it hits Atsumu harder than a Skurup to the temple:He wants this. Shouyou, hip cocked against the miniature kitchen countertop, smiling shyly up at Atsumu through the amber fan of his lashes, beautiful god-boy-man somehow glowing gold even under the buzzy LED lighting. Though they’re standing in a 430,000 square foot warehouse in Tsurumachi, Atsumu’s looking at Shouyou, and he’s home.
Amid the Flärdfull and the Smörboll, Miya Atsumu falls a little more in love.
words: 3,378 | rating: T
i’ve never been inside an ikea so this fic quite literally changed me as a person. sometimes loving a person is as scary as saying that first i love you!!!! and sometimes... love is easy as saying i love you at an ikea ; ;
LAUNCHING MERRILY DOWN THE PATH OF SIN (THE FIRST TIME)
"Bokuto said I should bring you home. But I don’t know where you live. So I took you here.”
“To hell?”
"No, Atsumu-san. To my apartment."
words: 1,990 | rating T
i wake up in the middle of the night thinking about this fic and then go on ao3 to reread it again its just so fdjgfhdjf good. i think about this shoyo a lot. theres something!!!! very dreamy going on here. this is the first part to a series btw, you can read them all if you want since theyre probably all around 1k :-)
lord i no longer believe in anything but the way he holds my name between his teeth
The miracle of the rabbit on the moon.
“We took this photo at their seventh birthday party. His father baked a cake. But someone ate all the jellybeans off the top before they could even sing the birthday song. That’s why Atsumu cried. He used to cry a lot. It stopped when the twins found out about volleyball, but before that Atsumu would cry over everything. Spilled milk. A skinned knee. The neighbor’s dog. He was the twin that was scared of paper straws. It's funny how things have changed.
“He looks happier now. Did you do that?”
words: 10,456 | rating: T
so, this goes just a liiiiitle past 10k so its up to you if you want to read it or not, i just thought i’d include it since its so! close! lol theres this part!!!!! they are holding hands underneath the table!!!!!!!!! atsumu are you drunk?!!! no!!!!! hes just so stupidly in love with shoyo. i cant stand them!!!!!!!!!!!
wait for it, wait for it
The notifications are up at 100+ again and Hana wants to check it quickly to make sure nothing's wrong, especially because she'd just cleared them before the media scrum. The fans, she figured, must be overjoyed with the win.Congratulations MSBY Nation!!! the first reply reads. #myspiker #atsuhinaBoth tags, she finds, are currently trending in Japan.
Five times #atsuhina trended on volleyball Twitter and one time it should have (but luckily didn't), as told by the MSBY Black Jackals' junior publicist
words: 6,043 | rating: T
this fic is SOOOOO much fun!!!!!! also i love hana, idk if i ever mentioned that before but yeah. this is like... hdjkdhgjfd so much ; ; <3
south of an early summer
Warmth, then, was being wanted back. Two weeks later, Atsumu holds that warmth in by Shouyou’s waist; he watches it, how it sleeps, and wonders what the heat will become next.
words: 2,602 | rating T | tw: atsumu being atsumu about (past) kg/hn for a split second
IF i wasnt an absolute fool and gave you all these recommendations to pick and choose from id just send you this and the walking emoji bc honestly!!!!!!!!! i may not know what the heck romantic means but i see this and maybe it is romantic! maybe its not the average romantic idk?!!!! but i do know theres something beautiful here. love ?? ; ;
truths in two’s
Shouyou leaves for Brazil in two hours.
words: 8,300 | rating: T
LDR.... but like, in probably one of the easiest 2 breathe/good feeling fic for ldr!!!! idk im a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ten reasons to break up with me: a love letter
1. It has to be you, ‘cause I won’t.
words: 4,197 | rating: T
pls....... i cant even THINK about this fic without crying okay!!!!!!!! insane. fuckign!!!! i love it so much, so much. it lives in my heart. this is the fic where i was like... i dont believe in love. yes i do. no<3 YES!!!!!!!! and cried and paced my room and finally FINALLY!!!!!! stopped feeling so hurt about hinata leaving for brazil again lmao!! like, i cant explain. this sounds crazy right???? anyway, i think... atsuhina can love each other so much it hurts when theyre apart but their love is so.... i mean......... they literally waited years to play together... so......... their love keeps them going..... GOODBYE!!!! i love listening to fka twigs cellophane & home with you and just..... being insane. 
just can’t help myself
Five times Hinata takes care of Atsumu, and one time Atsumu returns the favor.
words: 5,025 | rating: T
*think about atshn taking care of each other* *cries*
blue crush
And there’s a promise there, sewn into the easy curve of his lips: I’m not going anywhere, Atsumu-san. Glittering eyes that cut through the rain-blurry dark like a beacon when Shouyou turns back to look up at him. Even if you fuck up all of our dates.
Murphy’s Law as demonstrated by Miya Atsumu.
words: 2,297 | rating: T
atsumu trying very hard to have things perfect and romantic and even in the failures its still very lovely<3
If I’m Icarus, You Must be the Sun (Allow me Three Mistakes)
He wonders if Icarus felt like nothing was wrong with self-destructing, because he had reveled in the sun, if only for a little while.
Atsumu finds, loving Hinata is the same.
Atsumu's love over the years, and the mistakes that accompany it.
words: 4,620 | rating: T
i am...very weak to the whole icarus/sun thing with hinata and his ships. this one though......... i think about it A lot.
in your eyes, i see our future
“Yer’ a real sweetheart, Hinata Shouyou.”
Shouyou smiles brilliantly. “Only for you~”
He scoots over so Shouyou can sit next to him. He can smell the pineapple body wash Shouyou is so fond of the moment he sits down. Shouyou passes the tray over carefully before settling against the headboard comfortably.
“What’s the occasion?"
(Or, Atsumu just really wants to marry Shouyou.)
words: 9,769 | rating: T
fhdsjjkjfdsj goes crazy stupid over marriage!!!!! listen... i do not believe in marriage!!!!! but for atsuhina, oh you bet i do!!!! :-)
breathing a hello
There’s no significance to them ending up here except that both of their lives are held in the sway of volleyball. Everything else comes second.That’s the crux of it, really.
words: 2,826 | rating: T
gjhfsjkfd shhhhhhhhh. my heart is very soft when i think of them here, please..... just!!!! pls.
if you’re out there in the cold, i’ll cover you in moonlight
My [23M] best friend and ex-boyfriend [23M] is visiting me for a week, and my current boyfriend [24M] who agreed to all of this is suddenly withdrawing from me. Can I get some advice? Please? Anyone?
words: 8335 | rating: T | chapters: 3 | tw: past kg/hn 😳
this one is optional since you wanted one shots and theres 3 chapters here. my idea of romantic is...well, i especially love when one of them is acting hurtful/mean/difficult to the other bc their own personal issues but the other loves them anyway??? and then they work on that issue!!! just!!!!! ; ;
Love in the Time of Insomnia
And anyway Hinata was sprinting out faithfully after Atsumu, who had keys to the gym like a badass, and who was going to give his spikers a few more tosses after-hours without Meian knowing like the greatest, most generous badass the Jackals had ever seen. 
words: 2,457 | rating: G
running four kilometers just so atsumu can rest. this is what romantic means!!!! hdkshjfhdj
ode to what you’d have been
5 times it’s Kageyama’s fault and the 1 time Hinata realizes it has never been.
words: 3,628 | rating: G
loving someone including their flaws PART 2!!!!!! ok.... u might be like... um... this is romantic? hfdkhjfd LISTEN!!!! to me!!! there is nothing more romantic than being in love with someone and the ugly parts of them. going, i love you, all of you. and communication!!! and understanding!!! and feeling terrible and shitty and horrible but having the one you love accept you. and trying to help ease your mind, worries. *sobs real hard* also shout out 2 ‘okaaayy.... i hate sakusa now’
a shrine for a  boy
Despite his uncertainty about how to tell Atsumu of his move to São Paulo, Hinata takes action. Things do not go according to plan.
words: 2,447 | rating: G
hinatas time 2 be romantic and fail but its ok bc!!!!!!!!!! :-) they are just dummies in love<3
the greatest distance between you and longing is defeat
(In other words: Atsumu, let go. I’m here now.)
words: 3,310 | rating: G
um... *cries* post break up.... o_o!!!! god they really thought they could????? lmao!!!!!!
the tear in this (our gentle language)
“I’m going back to Brazil.”
He isn’t asking for permission. This isn’t a consultation. Hinata Shouyou informs his boyfriend at their after-practice practice. Miya Atsumu has a volleyball in each arm, trying to pick up a third. It drops and rolls away from him. The thud resounding in an empty gymnasium.
Shouyou had tried to envision Atsumu’s reaction many times. He never expected to be met with silence.
Alternatively: an exploration of Hinata Shouyou’s return to Brazil
words: 7,204 | rating: M
ldr CAN be romantic ok!!!!!!!! it takes a lot of communication, time, and love ; ;
evening sun
Atsumu looks at Shouyou and thinks, I want to know every inch of you.
words: 1,502 rating: M
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