#im mentioning this because last night... i got to hear from ryan

[1980ssunflower]

SOB SOB......

[dramaqueeenamby]

Waves: The Read

A/N: I am a shady bitch, and I regret nothing.  Also, if ya’ll remember, Mercedes is Summer’s publicist/manager. I mentioned that in a few waves, so don’t get confused, friends!

Warnings: None. 

Word Count: 2K

Masterlist

TAGS: @notacamelthatsmywife​ @babe-im-bi​ @liquorlaughslove​ @letsshamelessqueen-m​ @missyperle​ @valkryienymph​ @tashawar​ @mani-lifes​ @missdforever​ @hello-therree​ @toni9​ @queenshikongo3​

"How many solos has my sister had?"

The room grew quiet, all eyes on the speaker. They’d just finished a number, or rather, Finn and Rachel had just finished a number. The rest of the students served more as props than singers. Ad-libs only constituted so much.

Mr. Schue’s smile dimmed. Slightly. "W—what?"

Alexus shrugged, motioning around the room. "Or any of the kids whose names aren’t Flipper or Rachel?"

"It’s Finn."

"I don’t care," she dismissed, eyes still on the instructor. "I’ve been here a whole week, and not once have I seen someone other than Cher and Sonny score solos."

Mr. Schue scoffed, crossing his arms. "Now, hold on a second, I treat all my students fairly. Any student is allowed to audition for a solo—"

"And how many who have auditioned actually received one, other than your prized pupils?"

Mercedes stood up. "Alexus—"

"No." Alexus lifted her hand and looked over at her sister. "This isn’t right, and you’re too kind and understanding to say anything, so I will."

"You’re out of line, Alexus."

She laughed, looking back at him. "Out of line? I’m not one of your little students, and you’re not going to shut me down like you do them. I’m going to say what I want and need to say, and then I’ll leave, but you’re going to catch this read, first."

"And, cut!"

Summer broke from character and offered Matthew a fake smile before turning away and catching Amber’s gaze. They shared an unspoken exchange, one that caused Amber to laugh after Summer rolled her eyes.

Summer didn’t know why she was so weary about accepting this role. Only 10% of it was acting, the rest was her actually reading the problematic cast members, which was all but a handful. But, to fulfill her petty side and get paid?

It was a double win.

Summer noticed Ryan was speaking with Lea, which ignited another eye roll. She was the guest star, not that Barbara Streisand wannabe. Still, Summer counted her blessings, because she could only take Ryan in small doses. He wasn’t as bad as his prized actress, but it was the fact that he allowed her to treat everyone like shit that made her think less of him.

Perhaps she was spoiled in the sense that every other director she’d had the privilege of working for would never tolerate such behavior. She had to accept that Hollywood was a game, and the rules changed constantly.

"Someone was having fun," Mercedes, Summer’s assistant chimed, coming to walk beside her.

Summer feigned innocence. "I have no idea what you’re talking about."

Mercedes smirked. "Yeah, right. You weren’t acting. You were giving them all a piece of your mind."

Summer retained her smile as they reached her trailer, Summer opening the door so Mercedes could enter first. "Are you trying to insinuate that I was using my job to tell these people how I really feel?"

"I surely was."

As soon as the door closed, Summer confessed. "You know me so well."

The two laughed. "Girl, you know Lea is probably complaining to Ryan right now."

Summer sucked her teeth. "You know she is." Walking over to the kitchenette area, she turned on the Keruig and opened the drawer to select a pod. Her hand ghosted between the caramel and the dark magic, before she settled for caramel. "That black bitch—"

Mercedes snickered. "You sound just like her."

Summer frowned as she insert the pod and selected 8oz. "God, you’re right. I have to have to get out of here."

Smiling, Mercedes swiped down to refresh her emails. "Hey, look at it this way, you keep up this level of performance, and you’re a shoe-in for that Primetime Emmy.

The idea of adding another award to her resume was more than enough to keep Summer focused and dedicated. As a dark skinned black woman, she had to work ten times harder just to remain 20 steps behind. Anything she could do to push herself, she cherished.

Summer added creamer and sugar to her coffee, blowing before taking a sip. "After this, I need a quick break."

Mercedes hummed. "Umm, about that—"

"No."

"Summer—"

"No, Cedes, I’ve been working back to back since I scored 4AM, I think I’ve earned a little vacation time."

"I don’t disagree." Mercedes raised her hands in surrender.

"Thank you," Summer nodded, taking another sip of her coffee.

"But—"

"Here you go."

"I’m just saying, I’m hearing rumors about a potential role that’s gonna start casting in a couple of months."

Summer rolled her eyes and brought the mug to her mouth. "And?"

"And." Mercedes also rolled her eyes. "It’d be perfect for you."

"Mmmhmm."

"Summer," Mercedes lowered her voice. "It’s Storm."

Summer narrowed her eyes. "Storm?" Mercedes nodded. "You don’t mean—"

"X-Men Storm? I surely do."

Summer gasped and covered her mouth. "Bitch!"

"I know!" Mercedes giggled, shushing her client. "So do you see why I want you to keep your options open?"

Summer downed the remainder of her coffee and washed her mug in the sink all the while still stuck on the information she’d been told. "Do you really think I could be Storm?"

"Summer, please, you won an Oscar for your first Hollywood role. You’re a shoe-in."

"What about Shipp?"

"Shipp can skip her ass off somewhere."

The two women laughed when a knock on the trailer door prompted Summer to walk over, opening and smiling when she saw Amber. "Hey girl, come on in."

"I wish." Amber rolled her eyes. "Lea’s ready to start filming again. I mean, Ryan is ready to start filming again."

"You’ve got to be kidding me." Summer checked the watch on her wrist. "It hasn’t even been twenty minutes."

Amber sighed. "You know the saying. She says jump. We say—"

"Trip, bitch."

Amber laughed, as Summer looked back at Mercedes, pointing a finger. "This conversation isn’t over."

Mercedes winked at Summer, the two actresses sauntering back onto set.

Summer wondered if Lea had been listening outside her trailer, because it seemed as if Ms. Michele was purposely antagonizing Summer. Any scenes they had together, Lea would abruptly call cut and give Summer "pointers," all the while Ryan sat in his chair and said nothing.

Summer, forever the professional, managed to keep her composure, but there was only so much she could take.

Finally, when it came time for Summer to film her final scene, she saw an opportunity.

"Alright, and action!"

"I just want you to know that despite your distasteful behavior toward me, I hold no animosity and hope that one day you can release your unwarranted rage, and we can be cordial once I’m on Broadway."

Alexus turned to Rachel and tilted her head, crossing her arms. "I don’t like you. Never have, never will."

Rachel’s smile faltered. "Well, I-I’m sorry you feel that way, but--."

"Let me explain something to you, Berry. This is Lima, Ohio. The biggest thing we have going for us here is Breadstix, a restaurant chain that’s been on it’s last leg since that lawsuit filed by the kid who got two breadsticks stuck up her nostrils."

"I’m much better now."

Alexus ignored Britany and continued. "So, I’ll give you this, this small town notoriety and fame, because I know and you know, that once you actually make it out into the real world, reality is going to slap you so hard, you won’t need to have a nose job."

"Alexus—"

"Your stardom is limited to this pathetic town and its almost entirely pathetic population. And don’t get me wrong, you’re very good at manipulating and controlling individuals, because you can. For now. But, let’s be real, your voice isn’t anything I haven’t heard coming from street singers in NYC. Face it, you don’t have the talent nor the looks to make it into this big star you think you’re going to be. NYADA?" Alexus laughed. "Maybe you’ll make it, I doubt it, and even if you do, once you realize how utterly mediocre your narcissistic ass truly is compared to real talent, you’ll come crying back to Lima and spend the rest of your life working nights at Breadstix while watching reruns of Funny Girl on a goodwill VHS player." A beat. "Now, how’s that for raining on your parade?"

"And, cut!"

——

PRESENT TIME

"Christopher, stop!" Summer laughed as Chris came from behind and lifted her up against his solid frame. "I’m trying to do my makeup."

"You don’t need it," he murmured into her neck. "It’s going to end up all over the pillows anyw—"

"Sir!"

"Autumn."

"Would you please leave me alone?" Summer managed to wiggle herself free from her husband, flipping him off when he slapped her ass. "I am a human being."

"Allegedly."

"Alleged—lemme stop before I end up going to jail." She leaned over and examined her skin, feeling for the tackiness to see if her primer had settled. "This is why I can never do my makeup right. If it’s not him, it’s the twins."

We wanna see the babies!

I don’t get it. Why is she always so mean to him???

^^^^You must be new around here…

What makeup do you use?

Summer caught the last comment and grabbed her foundation and concealer, flashing them on the camera. "You know I have to support my girl, Ri. It’s Fenty Beauty all day everyday over here, ya’ll."

More comments came rolling in, Summer partially paying attention while she tried to do her makeup. Chris was taking her out on a date, the first they’d been on since the birth of the twins.

Summer was actually excited. She was in much need of alone time with her husband.

She grabbed the Snap shadow and blending brush when she noticed majority of the comments kept mentioning Lea Michele.

She didn’t even attempt to hide her distaste. "Why are ya’ll asking me about that girl? Did something happen?" Different stories were coming in prompting Summer to do her own research. "Baby, can I see your phone?"

Without hesitation, Christopher jogged into the bathroom, grabbing onto Summer’s hips while she typed Lea’s name into google.

Five minutes into reading, Summer slammed his phone onto the counter.

"Finally!"

"You’re paying for that," Chris muttered, grabbing his phone, thankful that it wasn’t cracked.

"Sorry, baby." She leaned up and kissed his cheek before looking into her phone. "Ya’ll, okay, most of you should remember I played Mercedes sister, Alexus, on Glee, right?" A wave of "yes" rolled in. "So, I’ve worked with the bitch, and I am not exaggerating when I say bitch. That heifer is literally the worst person I have ever had the displeasure of working with."

Summer pushed Christopher out the bathroom, in case her adding onto the Lea Michele drag train somehow ended up bad. "Now, I’d heard she was a nightmare, but I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt."

"But, literally the first time I walked onto set and introduced myself to her, she looked me up and down, turned up her nose, and walked away." Summer clapped and covered her mouth. "It took everything in me not to call her ass out, but it was my first day, and I didn’t want to cause a scene."

"Obviously, I was a recurring star on the show so I would make appearances throughout the series, and each time I was there, she treated me, and everyone around her, like trash."

"Okay, but here’s the real tea, you know that read Alexus gave Rachel in season 3? That wasn’t in the script." Summer laughed at the comments. Her fans were freaking out. "My line ended when I told her I didn’t like her or something, but it was my last day of filming, and I’d literally had enough of her."

Even more comments came rolling in of laughing, frog, and tea emojis. Summer sucked her teeth and placed her hand on her hip. "Ya’ll, her white ass thought she was gone’ be a thirty something Maria from West Side Story on broadway." A beat. "Somebody had to let her know!"

[tobebugjewce]

THE WALTEN FILES: my jumbled notes on my blind run-in with this web series

first off this is gonna be long and unorganized, also this is my second time writing this as i had lost literally half of my progress and im This (imagine two fingers almost touching with a 0.0000000001mm distance between them) close to ripping all of the fucking hair out of my goddamn head. but now this will be extra long and yes, i will lose some accuracy to my first writing but thats okay ill probably edit this a kajillion times over

which brings me to my next tangent; im literally braindumping here. so to have a smidge of organization all afterthoughts, edits and corrections will be boldened, i forgot what im gonna do with italicized text but ill probably bolden it here yeah im pretty sure its for side tangents, separate from Corrections, which are in bold. also theyre for emphasis too.

so in general, this post right here is all of my notes i wrote down on my grid-patterned sticky notes (which i used WAYYYY too much of) about the first 3 uploaded walten files youtube videos transferred onto my handy dandy digital notebook, this b(l)og. yeppers peppers. you know im serious about this shit when i typed probably over like a thousand fucking words including boldened shit, italicized shit and motherfucking links, lost it ALL, and im sitting here re-typing it again.

i feel bad about this but im not gonna trigger warn right here, but this is technically a warning. if you want a list of triggers as to what this post (and the walten files in general) i will link a little list to that here

without further a doo doo, (mama mia) here the fucking fuck we go again.

THE WALTEN FILES - VIDEO #1

clarifying this now, im gonna put some useless shit which i thought was code onto this because even though it was useless it was part of my notes and im physically going to combust if i dont put down every single thing i wrote on my papers. so what i thought was code was in the closed captions, i started writing it down when i got to the second video but came back to my first videos notes to include them. i wrote down the first letter to every word that was capitalized in the closed captions, which i had on as a default because number one i knew going into this id need them because most web horror things like args and cryptic shit like that has some of the most crucial shits in the closed captions. number two i am autistic and have auditory processing issues and have most closed captioning on as a default if theyre available.

firstly jotted, i wrote down the closed captions “code” so im gonna put the rest here too: HYWITB(BSI)Y A(BSI)BJWFKWITW ILHHFSBBSBTLBWI USOISTBNBSFIRBCAWHSHCBWHTAIGRNB*C*BTWLTSFA(20)MCFP ILITIIACPH(1978, 1979)SA(4)YTSCH*C*OGSSU SFTGRPATDBBUTFBNLLCHMIHLBRALLCLAYTUKB*LC*WHATWASTHATTHING 

the numbers in parenthesis are there because i wasnt sure they should be included in the “code” or not. i also thought of this with the BSI - bunny smiles incorporated and also the years 1978 and 1979. the shits in asterisks are coughs and light coughs, which were capitalized in the closed captions so i included them too just in case

i then jotted, in parenthesis of course, the names of the animatronics when they were listed in the animation section of the video; bon aka the blue bunny, sha aka the sheep one, boozoo aka the clown<3 honk<33, and banny aka the purpled eyelashed up one who is also a bunny btw. also i got boozoo the clown and boozoo the mustache guy confused because apparently the clowns name is billy???? but they named “boozoo” in bons sleepover and showed the clown? idk maybe im an idiot and theyre the same or just an idiot and theyre different or a super mega (matt and ryan?!?!??) idiot in general which is probably the case

i started drawing little stars to write down things i thought would be super important or to 100% look at again. the first subject of this pointy torture was the part of the video where at 3:00, i marked it down to make sure to reverse the audio as it was most definitely a weird audio that has that signature warp-y effect that makes sure you KNOW its in reverse. i then listened back to it Very carefully (still got it wrong) and got this: “you finally start to remember. that old doll. they will look out for you soon” im also pretty sure i heard “sophie” at the end of that audio but im not entirely sure and dont remember and i dont wanna go back to check lmfao but anyways it didnt matter because i was wrong anyway. after i had finished all 3 walten files i watched the film theory video on the walten files (which didnt cover all 3 but was dece.) out of curiosity and to hear matpats signature silly little voice explain some stuff i already knew, and click some shit in my brain that i couldve thought up of if i was a bit more... i dont know honestly. anyways yeah so the actual audio is “you finally start to remember. that old day. they will look out for you soon.” so yeah. day, not doll.

i then wrote down “sarah evelyn”, the name on the bons sleepover animation (i dont remember if she created it or animated it or whatnot) and scribbled will she matter? under her name. turns out no, as i didnt see her name in the rest of the series, let alone the first video. this is also a great time to mention how matpat theory helped me realize that the walten files are collections of videos, uploaded onto youtube by anthony. (i already knew about anthony as he signed his name in the descriptions of the youtube videos, making me categorize this overall web series more into an arg type genre.) but yes, the tapes, recorded “irl” footage, animated clips, vhs tape recordings and other audio-visual content is all collected and labeled the walten files, as i had mistaken each video to be a tape. stupid me. alrighty, onward!

i starred this one, good for me; MISSING: Jack Walten LAST SEEN: 06/11/1974

i jotted down with an arrow that; sophie was a nightguard? she was wearing the uniform explained in tape 2 i dont know why but i went back into my video 1 notes after i had watched video 2. organization purposes. i guess.?? 

i then paused the video when the screen flickered a date, the beginning of video footage dated 10/10/1982 (Brian Stells?) god my little genius ass assuming the videographer was brian stells, based on the id card i saw earlier.

i then wrote down what text i saw on the dead, mangled, bloody body in the purple security suit; “i cant feel anything” “he thought i was her” then drew a little arrow pointing to; thought brian was sophie? or ashley? i also starred the name Brian Stells this is totally out of order LMFAOOOOOOOO also i wrote down ashley because, again, my little pea brain went back on my video 1 notes after watching video 2. but yep thats all i wrote for The Walten Files 1 - Company Introductory Tape

THE WALTEN FILES - VIDEO #2 

Tape #1 - created 07/02/1978

awesome how thats first and foremost in the captions. god. so sexy of you martin walls. /j /nsx

this pack of notes is chunkier because again, like i have mentioned before i am an absolute goober and thought the capitalized letters of the words would actually mean something. I MEAN MAYBE THEY DO AND IM JUST DOING IT WRONG but i stopped doing it after this video because holy shit it was exhausting and my stupid little fingers couldnt take the writing anymore becasue i am WEAK. 

so write off the bat (squeak) i wrote down 197[] the blacked out rectangle over the last digit of that year and everything im also now assuming its probably 1978 or 1974 because lore reasons but whos to say but yeah i also wrote down this;

Tape #2 - created 08/13/1978

then, straight up in the beginning of the video i caught it, the flash of text, as i had by now realized i gotta be SUPER stupid focused on the screen in case i miss anything, i wanted to be crazy precise on my theorizing and mental notes, among other things. but yes i saw it, the first half of a youtube link;  “https://youtu” 

claps hands together and rubs them evilly. oh yeah baby. thats the hot lunch. this shit right here? the cats pajamas. lets fucking go.

i wrote down this goofy shit i pasued to inspect when i saw bon sorting through a file cabinet and naturally scribbled down the labels and other written things i could see on the files; 

relocate X/X/75 felix

storage K-9 07/23/1975 felix k(ranken)

Bons Burgers 06/28/1974 Jack Walten

Shipping Service 1975

New Location -> 1982

i also wrote down more goofy shit, like when banny was created for some reason; in 1974

starred, i noted to go back and reverse the audio at 5:09, when played back, i didnt write it down so i dont remember. lmao.

i also marked to screenshot and brighten the darkened image i saw at 5:20, i was going to do it on my phone then realized i can just do it on my computer so i quickly took a screenshot, brightened it and wrote down what i saw; a missing person poster that read MISSING: SUSAN WOODINGS(?) Last seen: 1974 i was very unsure of the spelling of her last name because the image was so goddamn low quality and grainy but its what i saw. this is where tape #3 gets thrown in, which im gonna type again because i like how the formatting looks;

Tape #3 - created 07/09/1978 (BEFORE tape 2?!//1/1??? its more likely than you think)

i wrote down more dates, any dates i saw, i jotted down. i wrote; 

Technical Support 1978 

then, 

Brian Stells (for some reason i dont remember right now)

alrighty this is where the stupid capitalized letters come in, but before it looks like i vomit a keysmash time infinity on this, ill put down the little inbetween things i wrote in the midst of the caps lockalypse like timestamps and stuff, so here you go;

- Reverse at 8:16 which i did but of course didnt write down what i heard. i think it was too warbled to hear anything clear out of it, or it was just the good ol auditory processing issues fucking me over yet again. WAIT yep yes i did here it is: “rosemary would go to the restaurant every night hoping that [her] beloved husband would reappear after being missing for weeks but no response until one day [s]he heard a voice [saying] ‘i know where he is rosie’ coming from the back stage” the bracketed stuff is the corrections, i misheard the audio and thought the audio said “his”, “he” and “singing” like a nimrod

- Brighten at 10:14 which was another missing person poster, but i dont think it had any information on it because i didnt write it down, just;

- Sophie again (pic at 9:08?) (dismemberd and put in Sha) i was stupid and wrong haha idiot it was rosemary who was put in sha but anywho

i starred and underlined a huge thing i discovered which was;

- Walten had 3 kids which i dont remember how i found out but it doesnt matter, its good important info i uncovered.

- Tape #4 - Unkown Date

- recorded 07/12-07/14 1978 

- Hilary B, Ashley P & Kevin W i made sure to get these names down as soon as i saw them on screen but then realized shortly after i wouldnt really need to have it as the closed captions made sure i knew which person was talking by using their first initial (capitalized of course) before each line of text. this is the perfect time to announce the arrival of the clusterfuck of capital letters, which is going to include colons which will indicate that the letter before it is the initial of the person talking. without further aedue, here comes another chinese earthquake;

TCWTSTATO(K-9)TBSSFWFCNEHAWBSUBIUC(BSIIDC)OWHISF INBIJTILNSPL(K-9)LCSCKCCCWTTLTLITTTYROTFAJAMHPYYSTCSPMBBWSBIB H:NTPPCCK:DA:HH:YCPRPMWTCBCRAWK:JH:SYYTCPBACPSTBAWCA:TK(?):FMTTCMK:TCPNOA:DTOFK:ITNPPRA:YBUTIRRFH:HKIBESRAIA:TCK:WA:WPCCFTRRIDPEH:GGK:GPA:LKK:WA:HNCGTKMK:YH:IGKA:ESK:MFH:RK:HILRLBNTRPPUWHITRRTPEIFEPH:YWBEBPK:MAHPBTRPTRPEL(LN)HTACPKLIKHPFITSKLTKLB(LB?)ISIBSUBIPRW AEBATHSPUAICTPURTWBBRPHTRTIIIILTCITCUCCP S(bpe, be)WA”IDCPBPSIB

holy shit its finally over okay now onto some MORE of what i wrote down in between and also after that keysmash attack;

12 doors? (backrooms) 27? 26? i was unsure because ashley was unsure too lmfao

found cassette (6/11/78) <- says “discard”? yeah it did

Tape in clown audio, speaking voice; jack, susan, charles(?), rosemary, sophie, last word sounds like “walrus” it was walten lmfao

Ashley died? yeah she did lmfao OR AT LEAST I THINK SO??

starred this one, Reverse @ 17:06, then got this;

“they left the next day, they thought ashley left early, but she was in the backdoors, screaming as much as she could, but no one heard the screams, the following days the caretakers would complain about an awful smell coming from the backdoors, company decided to shut down facility until new advice, the relocate project was unsuccessful. ashley is still there, but she is not screaming anymore, she saw something she wasnt supposed to see and now shes beautiful” the phrase “shes beautiful” was repeating like a bajillion times in that wall of text. then, god motherfuckng bless: 

at 17:23 i found the other half of the youtube link, “.be/k07QqEDOfQ” i pieced that bad boy together as instant as i think any form of ramen could never be, but remained ever patient. because i made sure to jot down this before moving onto my next segment;

@ end of vid 2, “shadow man sees* me when lights go off” im an idiot *it was actually “feeds” not “sees”, which AGAIN, i only found out after watching the stupid little film theory video *begins snarling and foaming at the mouth*

okay im not proud to admit im editing this to post it and realized ive lost my notes. well. 

might as well post what ive got! if i find my shit ill add onto this, i suppose.

[aaronhart93]

after work || zara & aaron

Discord text thread featuring: Aaron & @x-heartbreaker​​

When: early morning March 11, 2020

Mentions: -​

Description: Aaron takes Zara home after he finds her getting attacked outside of work

Trigger Warnings: injuries, assault, stalker/pervy dude

Zara

In the early morning hours, Zara’s shift is finally over. She’s been back and forth between serving in the vip section and bar tending, depending on what’s available on any given day, she picks up as many shifts as humanly possible. That leaves her tired but she continues to push through it. Tonight in the vip section, Ryan is present, just like most nights she’s working there. He’s not someone Zara would have looked twice at but she learned his name early on, as part of the customer experience really, she learned it made her better tips. It’s another night of turning down his advances but smiling through it like the trooper she is. When she cleans up her section and closes down for the night, she’s relieved that she isn’t required to smile anymore and she heads down to wait for her cab home. That’s when he appears again, offering her a ride home, which she politely declines. Before she can even turn her attention back to the street, her body is nearly thrown against the side brick wall of the building in the alleyway between the club and the building next door. The impact of her back hitting the wall and of his body pressing into hers knocks the breath out of her. When she regains her senses her hands are pinned above her head and all she can smell is the alcohol of his breath while his mouth is on her neck. Why isn’t her adrenaline kicking in, it’s like she’s frozen. His other hand his unbuttoning his pants but Zara is busy turning her head away to avoid his mouth getting anywhere near hers. “Get off of me!”

Aaron.

Aaron wasn’t typically at his bars like this so late. He had people for that, and he was already busy enough during the week. He needed to sleep at some point. There were a lot of assumptions about Aaron — some true, some not so true. But no one could say that he didn’t work hard. Tonight, he was entertaining some high profile people and wanted to make sure that everything went smoothly. He introduced himself, and even had a couple of drinks with the group. On the house, of course. Aaron knew that if he charmed the pants off of these people that it would be great for business. When the group finally left, Aaron decided to make his exit and head home to his kid and partners. He looked at the time. It was 4am and he certainly wasn’t sober enough to get in his car and drive himself back to the pent. He needed to just stop driving in the city in general...but he just loved his car. He called for his car service as he made his way out of the back entrance. He shoved his hands in his designer coat then heard someone scream. He turned towards the back alley when he saw one of his staff members being attacked by a patron. “Shit.” He mumbled to himself before making a split second decision to run up to the pair to pull the male off of Zara. He grabbed his clothing by the shoulder and socked him in the face which made him fall to the ground. “Fuck. Are you okay?”

Zara

There isn’t much that surprises Zara these days, not after what she’s been through in the foster system, but somehow this has caught her off guard. She never would have expected that this guy would even have enough balls to try something like this. Is that why somehow she couldn’t fight back? She was already looking for a reason to blame herself, as she always did. Soon the pressure of his body is a weight lifted off of hers and it’s only then that she’s able to try and catch her breath. The throbbing pain in the back of her head is kicking in and she knows there’s got to be some damage there from the force of it hitting the bricks but she isn’t prepared to feel it yet. Immediately she recognizes Aaron and is flooded with embarrassment. “I....” she can’t lie just yet and say that she’s fine but she also doesn’t want to speak not being fine into reality. “Thanks.”

Aaron.

his attention shifted from Zara to the man who was now rolling on the ground beneath him. Aaron delivered a kick to his stomach. Just for good measure. He didn’t really need to hit him again. He just wanted to make sure that he got the message. Don’t fuck with Aaron Hart and the people he cares about. Not to mention, the alcohol running through him made him think he was tougher than he actually was. He physically put himself in front of Zara and the man, who was a regular at the club and whom Aaron was sure never to allow back again. “You fucked up, man. Get lost.” He told him sternly, which must have prompted him to get up off onto his feet and scurry off. The businessman finally turned back to the woman. He wasn’t sure if he should touch her or what? Did she want a hug? A comforting hand on her shoulder? “What a dick.” Aaron looked at her nervously. She seemed....almost frozen. He took his jacket off and offered it to her, holding it out so that he could help her get into it. “Should we get you checked out? My driver can take us to the hospital.” He suggested.

Zara

this entire situation felt like more of an outer body experience than anything. it was almost like she was standing outside of her body and watching it happen without being able to stop it. she winced hearing the contact of Aaron's foot with the mans stomach, not that she didn't think it was deserved. And when he was eventually struggling to stand, the brunette still clenched her eyes shut almost just waiting for what could possibly come next. Thankfully it was retreating footsteps. Eventually she opened her eyes again, reminding herself to breathe. "im sorry i didn't mean to cause a scene." it took her a moment but she slid the jacket over her shoulders, the fact that she was physically shaking not even apparent in her mind. "ill be fine" hospital bills were not something she could even think about right now. "are you ok?"

Aaron.

Aaron was genuinely confused as to how and why Zara thought that she needed to apologize. She was the one being attacked after all. If anything, Aaron should have been sorry for not having some established safety precautions for the staff members getting out of work extra late. He’d need to work on that. It was number one on his to do list this upcoming week. “I’m fine.” He insisted, shaking his head. The adrenaline was actually still pumping through him. He wasn’t even cold without his coat. “And don’t be sorry. I promise that nothing like that is going to happen again. Okay?” He promised the other. He was confused as to why she didn’t want to go get checked out. Was it the money? Or did she not want to spend all night in the ER? “Can I are least call my doctor so he can talk to you to make sure you don’t need to be seen?” He suggested as he got a notification telling him that his ride was parked by the back door. “Let me take you home at least.” He practically pleaded with her.

Zara

The look on his face was telling her that she wasn't saying the right thing, but her mind felt like it was in so many places, yet blank all at once. She was lucky if she could even form a coherent sentence. Didn't she have mace in her purse just for this reason? Zara glanced down at her purse that was still zipped so that didn't do her any good, did it? Even though she was prepared, clearly she wasn't. And now that's boggling her mind. She didn't feel like herself. She could have done better, no doubt. She'd kicked plenty of ass in the past, what happened this time? Shaking her head she looked at him, she knew he was speaking but she hardly listened, so she just agreed when she heard the okay "okay." Reaching up she felt the back of her head, "it's just a bump." except that when she moved her hand, there was very clearly blood on her fingers that she wiped on the dark material of her black skirt. "okay. i guess i didn't have much luck getting a cab..."

Aaron.

"Okay." Aaron nodded once, relieved that she had at least agreed to let Aaron take her home. He was kicking himself for letting this happen to any employee. Maybe if he were paying better attention than this wouldn't have happened. The businessman lead Zara into the car, opening the door for her to let her crawl in first. Once he was in the car, he got on the phone with a doctor. That was the best thing about being rich - your staff was on call for you literally 24/7 because that's what they were paid to do. Zara's apartment wasn't far. Good thing because Aaron was getting nervous; she needed to get ice on the bump as soon as possible. "Do you want me to come up with you? Make sure you get settled okay." He asked, once the driver pulled over to the side. He didn't want to just assume, but he wanted to make sure that Zara got inside okay.February 27, 2021

ZaraBOT — 02/27/2021

shocked is still not an accurate depiction of what Zara felt. She’s mad at herself for not seeing this coming and not being more prepared. Why hadn’t she said anything sooner when she noticed this guy in almost every place she was, work and out of work.  The next thing on her mind was the fear that this might not be the last she saw of him. But beyond that once in the car she was glad to be sitting down, Zara didn’t realize her legs were shaking. On top of that her head was throbbing but before she knew it they were in front of her shabby apartment building. “If you want to, I’m sure I’ll be ok,” though her voice didn’t sound sure. She didn’t want to seem ungrateful for the help but her shithole apartment was also kind of an embarrassment. Her entire apartment could probably fit in his one bathroom.

Aaron.

The businessman was unsure how to respond to this. He was a guy, and she'd just been attacked by one. Should he have called one of her friends to get her or something? Aaron could see that Zara was visible upset and shaken up. Should he hold her? He was no equipped for this. The millionaire got out of the car and opened the door for her to let her out. "I could walk you up? I won't come in if you don't want me to...I just want to make sure you get up there okay." He suggested, putting a hand on her shoulder without even realizing it and guiding her slowly towards the front doors of her apartment building.

[annoying-lucy]

Evan Evagora did an AMA involving the Star Trek Shitposting Facebook Group - the questions and answers below were copy/pasted direct from the collated master post. Evan is a member of the group, who participates under an unknown pseudonym.

———————————————

AMA Master Post!

Thanks so much to Evan Evagora for taking time out of his day for our AMA earlier. To make the questions and answers easier for ya'll to find, here they all are together below.

Q: How does my love of cats compare to Elnor?

A: Im actually more of a dog person, there was a scene that had Elnor and spot 2 unite briefly but unfortunately it didn’t leave the editing room

Q: How familiar was I with Star Trek before and did I have to do research?

A: I grew up with TNG, I’d have to say either worf, Guinan or Q are my favourite characters. And I was given episodes to watch that were to help with information before filming Picard

Q: How was I prepped to deal with the crazy fans?

A: I got told to join Star Trek shitposting 😉. Not but in all seriousness, it was Jonathan Frakes who gave me advice on entering the world of fandom from the other side and he said it’s been nothing short of a pleasure

Q: So if Hugh had survived would they have made out?

A: what happens on the cube stays on the cube

Q: My favourite moment of s1

A: getting to slice that romulans head off

Q: How did I hear about Star Trek shitposting?

A: most of the crew is either a part of the group or knows about, one of the amazing hair and make up ladies got me into I think my first or second day

Q: If I had to be Tuvixed with someone excluding elnor?

A: mirror verse Elnor, nah worf to be honest

Q: What is something I’d like to do in season 2

A: Id like to see Elnor and spot 2 together

Q: How am I passing my time woth quarantine?

A: ama for the gronp! Nah I’ve just been reading, writing and also the contact I’m having with the fans too has really helped a lot

Q: If I had to quarantine with any of my costars who would it be and why

A: I’d go with hardy treadaway he’s got the nicest place

Q: What am I hoping to see in Elnor’s future

A: Inner peace, contentment and possibly shorter hair?

Q: Am I intimidated by working on a show with such a big fan base?

A: no I grew up with Star Trek, you’re really in a bubble of filming when you’re making the show, it all didn’t really hit home until the first trailer at San Diego

Q: Would I consider playing Elnor as non binary

A: I’ve seen a lot of debate and discussion about not only my character but others in the series, if there is something that connects you with a character on this show and it resonates with you, even if it’s shown, not shown or hinted at I’m all for it. I am not for the constant belittlement, bullying and criticism of not only the characters on the show but also other fans. It really does break my heart reading comments where people aren’t welcoming of one another, because that is the whole reason why Trek has bought so many together and by spewing these disgusting cruel words out your not only showing the world you don’t understand the meaning behind the show, you also are destroying the thing that makes us all love it

Q: Is there Australia on romulas

A: yeah they have a down under I’m sure of it. No the accent can easily be explained with, Elnor left romulas at a young age, moved to a planet with different species and languages spoken so that influenced his accent

Q: Have I seen Elnor fan fiction and art?

A: yeah some of it has been really amazing! And some others have been...creative

Q: How excited am I to make home movies with my action figures?

A: my plan is to buy everyone’s, make them record audio and then film shit using the dolls and their voices

Q: Are you playing animal crossing?

A: I’ve preordered it because they’ve sold out here in aus, but in playing civ 6 to pass time and Mario party

Q: Did I get to try Romulan ale?

A: no I wish, I’m kind of hoping for a scene next year where Elnor gets drunk for the first time

Q: What character did I wish would appear in our show?

A: one word, one letter Q

Q: What’s my background have I been acting long?

A: Picard was my third acting gig, and the first project to release, so I have got some experience acting and I have previous work but it has either just aired or is going to next year

Q: Please my friend choose a charity you would like us to donate to

A: food bank

Q: Favourite ninja turtle

A: it’s always been Raph and always will be

Q: Do I know much about Elnors background

A: I know things that haven’t been mentioned yet, but also given his character is new and season 1 just finished, hopefully some of those things are explored

Q: How would o feel about the fan theory that Spock is my father

A: I mean, I’m not really sure, I can always shoot Ethan a message and ask him what he thinks too

Q: Which classic episode trope would I like to see?

A: mirror universe

Q: Can we look forward to more ninja representation?

A: is Elnor not enough? ☹️

Q: Were there any particular characters I drew inspiration from, any elves?

A: there’s a particular group of people I think Elnor might have been inspired from. Can I just say how cool it would be if Elnor is just cosplaying as an elf because Picard left him a copy of Lotr when he was young

Q: Would I be open to exploring Elnors sexuality in s2 and what would it be?

A: I am totally open for that, and as for Elnors sexuality, I’m not sure he’s only 17 he’s just left his planet and gone off on an adventure where he openly knew the success may lead in his death or others he hasn’t had time to figure himself out so seeing his sexuality explored would be amazing

Q: What stories did you hear about working on precious trek series from the OG actors?

A; So we found out Michael Dorn used to muddle his lines up because he was normally the last close up of the day. They used to put bets on to see how many takes he’d have to do. All I must add in very fun spirits nothing ever malicious or mean

Q: My long term career goals

A: id like to keep pursuing more roles I’m acting, I’m a big writer and have some projects I’m looking at getting created but right now I’d say I’m just here to learn and grow

Q: What do I write?

A: right now I’m working on three screenplays and two pilots most of the stuff I’ve written is just sitting on my hard drive just waiting to be used

Q: Ever fried an egg, buttered and vegemite'd some toast and eaten it like a sandwich?

A: what I just read, scared the crap out of me, I love vegemite but the most I’ll do is add cheese to it

Q: What is one of my favourite stories about s1

A: Jeri Ryan and I had a scene together in the borg cube (what a queen she made!) it was shooting at night and I think it was the final shot of the day, we couldn’t keep a straight face and just laughed through about fifteen takes

Q: Are you a big fan of fandom besides Trek?

A: Star Wars, lotr, the magician series Raymond e feist, a song of fire and ice series, avatar last air bender and legend of Korra (would love to play zuko) and of course Batman (fav Jason Todd as the hood)

Q: Could I see myself playing Elnor for six or seven years?

A: as long as there’s a good story that myself and fans will enjoy, but if it didn’t meet my expectations no. And also hopefully the writers and creators would want to

Q: My top TNG eps are in no particular order

I borg, all good things, tapestry, the measure of a man and all good things

I’ll also add I borg especially because it’s just cool seeing where Hugh began and how he ended up

Q: How did I land the role of Elnor?

A: I was on a break from filming Fantasy Island (a movie based off the old tv show) and I was home for pilot season which is when they cast for shows, I had two weeks of daily auditions before I was due to fly back and start filming again, two days before I was meant to leave I got an audition for Picard, the script had a code name and Elnors name was Kbar on it, but I was told it was Star Trek. I went into the room and thought I didn’t do a very good job, then I flew to film and two days later I was told I’ve made a list of people being considered, after a few more auditions and a couple of phone calls from producers and everything I found myself on a plane to LA five weeks later

Q: Have I made friends among the cast?

A: no, we tried really hard to become friends, but unfortunately we ended up becoming a family instead. Everything we say in interviews about us getting along is all true and not fake. I’m the newest to acting out of everyone so I was kind of of shocked to find out that how close we all are isn’t necessarily how it will be when I shoot other projects, so I think we just got lucky or they casted really well

Q: Have the Picard people seen your memes?

A: yes I’ve shown them the memes from the page, I’ve shown everyone including Patrick we find most of them funny (some shocking)

Not shocking in a bad way

Unexpected I should say

Q: How do I feel about the ears?

A: I wore them so much they came up in my dreams, but they were the easiest thing to apply onto me

Q: Which non tng character would I like to see return?

A: I wouldn’t mind seeing the doctor

Q: The most relatable Star Trek character?

A: Look for me growing up it was Wesley, i just picked anyone who was the young one. And I grew up with my sisters and was always being told I’m either wrong, an idiot or just to shut up

Q: Did I have previous martial arts experience before the show?

A: I have a background in boxing which helps when it comes to movement, reflexes and just all around fitness for stunts. I didn’t have any sword fighting experience before we began training for the show however

Q: How do you think being raised by an order of women affected Elnor?

A: I think it gave him a healthy understanding of not only the strength and resilience of women but I think he understands not only gender equality but just equality in general and I think that’s directly to do with growing up in a sect of all female warrior nuns

Q: What is a type of meme you would like to see more of in the group?

A: I love all the memes in the group, I hardly like any of them now incase someone figures out who I am though ahahah

Q: Favorite recent memes?

A: See my comment below

[lady-olive-oil]

Work Out: Chapter 1

The moment you’ve all been waiting for; chapter 1 of Work Out. It took a lot out of me to finally get this out and im glad it’s here. The song in this is My Love For You by Sevyn Streeter, and I’m having it to where Geneva sings a few songs and have written some. Hence why it’s so long and the lyrics are in it, i recommend you listen to it while Geneva sings. So without further ado, here we go! If ya wanna be apart of my Lil Nasties Tag Squad, let me know!

Warning(s): nothing but language and a few heated moments

Word Count: 3,009 [i snapped]

Lil Nasties: @maddiestundentwritergaines || @themyscxiras || @sparklemichele || @designerwriterchic || @honeychicana || @chaneajoyyy || @jojolu || @dc41896 || @inlovewithmakeupcomicsanimelove || @jozigrrl

-3 Weeks Later-

“What in the pink Himalayan salt, is this shit?!”

The year barely started and I was already in deep with issues. With trying to open up my own gym; moving and trying to spend time with my friends, my soon to be ex husband just had to add more things to his side of the divorce settlement.

“Genevieve Leona. Language.” Her father had the chance to look over the new settlement that she has given, checking to see if there were any plausible loopholes.

Placing a gentle kiss on her father's graying cheek, she handed him a glass of water, before sitting across from him at the island.

“Sorry dad. But you of all people should know how difficult this is. You've handled cases harder than this.”

“Sweet pea, I get it. I do, but I need for you to calm down please?”

His hardworking hands were placed on top of my delicate one's, trying to ease my pain. Who knew that going through a divorce was so time consuming and dreadful.

“He just works my nerves. I’m glad I went with the prenup before hand, because he would've gotten half of my building space. Which I’m not having that.”

Opening my own space is a dream of mine, something I've always wanted since I was 12. Whether is was going to become a gym; a skating rink or a combination of both, I was going to have it. Jake knows about it too, but he doesn’t like seeing me succeed more than him.

“We’ll get this all straightened out soon enough. In the meantime, don’t work yourself up over this clown. Like ya mama says ‘he ain’t worth hella beans.’ She’s wise you know. Imma head on home, and we’ll talk more later.” A hearty chuckle escaped him, as he kissed my head before heading to his car, to make it home before the sunset.

“I know, I know. She was right about this one, maybe. Call me when you get home, pops. Ok?” Giving him one more goodbye kiss, I waved at him before making it back inside.

“Operation: Get Jake out of my Life, is a go. All I need is some wine and dancing. I know just who to call.”

Picking up the phone to dial the FaceTime group chat, I was greeted by the other two angels in my life.

“What’s up golden girls. Y’all busy this weekend?”

“Nah not really no. We could go out tonight, I just finished up the schedule for the upcoming comic con in July. Gotta have costumes on deck to win. Ryan and I are good to go, his work thing ain’t till Thursday right?

Destiny never stopped working, even after college she made sure her coin was on point.

“I’m free this weekend too. Yeah him and John have this medical convention Thursday, which I clocked it to be 15 min away, so we all good to tag along as a group. Whatcha have in mind?”

Cynthia, our resident spy, could never be too careful when it came to men she dated. But Johnny never gave her a reason to doubt him.

“Skate night at Roller Jam. I need to get loose for a few hours to some Cool & The Gang. Besides it’ll give y’all a chance to see ya girl get down on some wheels.”

Roller skating has been in my blood since I was in the womb. My parents met at a roller skating rink and they’ve been groovin ever since. I happen to be the captain of my own roller skating team called Roller Queens. Best team to ever roll into Staten Island.

“I can get down with that, be like old times.” Destiny agreed.

“Great times. Oh what about Mr. Tall, blonde and gorgeous? Have you talked to him lately?” Cynthia changed the subject.

“Ha ha. No I haven’t. But he has been blowing up my Instagram like crazy. I have replied a bit though, nothing too drastic. Some chicks  have been messaging me like ‘get away from him’; ‘he doesn’t want a hoe like you’ or ‘you’re not his type. Step off’ These little girls man, I’m telling you.”

It’s not like I don’t want Florian, I mean who doesn’t? Have you seen him lately? All jokes aside, I’m not looking for anything serious right now no way. I’m too busy trying to get my divorce finalized.

“We know you clapped them back. No time for the girls, this is grown woman ish.”

“What Dede said.” Cynthia chuckled a bit, candying is all to join in and I saw her man in the background. So I gave him a wave before looking at the time.

“Speaking of time, it’s getting late. I have to go get Leilani from the recording studio today since Lucas has their car and his game ran late. Plus Donny is on a date so, Older sister to the rescue.”

“We’ll see you at the rink Friday, ok?” Destiny said as she moved around the kitchen only for Ryan to say hi to me as well.

“Yeah. At like 5 ish, it’s late skate so it’s better. See y’all later. Mwha!” Sending then both my love and kisses, we hung up and went on about our business.

As I got ready to head downtown, I got a text from Michael saying he’s still in town for the next few weeks. That could only mean one thing: it was for business. Which also meant that Florian would be with him too. Maybe my week we starting to look up. I texted him what studio I’d be at, kill two birds with one stone.

Walking into the studio, I heard the smooth R&B sounds of Leilani’s voice through the speakers. This is where she’s always in her element, she turns everything out and puts her all into her vocals and practices. I couldn’t be more prouder of my siblings for going for their dreams.

“Good job little bird. Come out real quick would ya?” I smiled happily as she walked out the booth, proceeding to give me a hug in return.

“You really think I’m good? I know I need more practice, but I know I’m getting better day by day. How’s life going for you? Jake still being a little shit?” Leilani arched a brow, sitting in the chair across from me.

“As always. He added more “demands” to our divorce settlement, and I’m pretty sure I can’t meet them at all. So he’s stuck with his shit, and I keep mine.” I shrugged a tad, spinning in my chair and Leilani gave me a look.

“Well I hope he gets what he’s asking for cause all this is too much on me, and I ain’t even the one divorcing him. Let’s get your mind off of it, why don’t you go sing in the booth one time?” She suggested and the look turned into a smile.

“Me? In the booth? I haven’t done that in years Lei.” 6 years to be exact, but who's counting.

“That’s just it. Give it a shot and try it. That one song you were working on for the talent show, back home. What was it called?” She really wanted me to sing for her once. Anything for my sister I guess.

“My Love For You. It’s called My Love For You.”

“See?! Please sis? I want to hear you sang one time. I got Marcus here and we can cut it real fast. Nothing like a side hobby next to skating right? Please!” Leilani held my hands and gave me a puppy dog pout.

“Fine! Fine I’ll do it.” I broke down and earned a squeal from her, as I went into the booth. Putting on the headphones I saw Michael and  Florian walk in just in time.

“Oh snap, cuzzo going in the booth.” Michael received a hug from Leilani, before he introduced her Florian who was a smitten kitten over seen Geneva again.

“Yeah yeah. Mike, don’t distract me please I’m in my zone. And you brought Florian too. Now I gotta show out.” I shook my shoulders a bit, receiving some laughs from the group before getting the signal from Marcus.

“Yes I’m here too. Michael didn’t tell me you could sing. So I am interested even more now.” The smirk that etched his perfect face wasn’t helping the fact that he looked good in his red track suit. Jesus be a fence.

Did it get hot in here? The heat must be on cause my face was feeling warm, when he smirked at me. I can not lose myself over this man.

“I’m ok. Been a while but maybe it’ll all come back to me soon.”

With a slight nod, I opened my phone to the lyrics I had saved in my notes, and just went with the rhythm. I had to think of something that made me happy in order to do the song. At the time it was Jake but, now I just had myself.

The track started off and Leilani was already vibing to the beat. Michael was too, with Florian soon falling in line. Controlling my breathing, getting the hang of it all over again. Hearing the background vocals, I got into the groove.

I, I'm saving all the

I'm saving all my love for you (to you, I)

I'm saving all the love (whoo, oh)

I'm saving all my love for you

Looking straight at Florian, I decided pour all my emotion into the song to practically let him know what i was feeling without being direct.

Ridin' round town in your black Impala

With my baby, yeah, that's my partner

Look the other way when they tryna holler

So unbothered, we're so unbothered

See I got niggas slidin' in my DMs

Stevie Wonderin' if I'ma ever see 'em

But I don't pay that shit no mind

No, I don't give that shit no time, no time

I just curve 'em from the a.m. to the p.m

Oh, baby, you're the reason

That none of these niggas can touch me

Ain't none of these niggas get lucky

No, no, no, no, no

Florian’s POV

“Man, I think she’s singing to you.” Michael lean over towards me, mumbling about something as a smirk appeared on my face.

“Maybe so. Remember the bet I told you about, that we set at the New Years party? I still have to prove myself to her a lot if I want to make this work.” I mentioned while leaning against the wall. Entranced by her voice.

“Yeah yall both told me about it actually. You think you can do it? I mean she’s pretty persistent with whom she dates. Last guy only lasted 3 weeks, on top of her on going divorce cause Jake plays too much.” Michael had informed me about her future ex husband and how much of a moocher he is. The faster he leaves, the better chance I have.

“Better me than him.” I knew i had to make a good impression on her at least, because she hasn’t been treated right in so long from what I’ve been told by her friends. Giving her my undivided attention, I know she felt the sudden shift in change.

Geneva’s POV

Whatever the boys were talking about must’ve been important, by the way there were engaged in the topic. Once Florian looked at me again I got back into the zone, hitting those notes.

Only you, yeah, it's only you that get my attention

Only you, swear it's only you, ain't no competition, no

'Cause baby, you give me everything that I've been missin'

That's why I'm saving all my love for you

yeah yeah, saving all my love

Saving all my love for you

(I'm saving all my love)

Saving, saving all my love, I'm saving all my love for you

It ain't with nobody else, you got it all to yourself

Just keep doin' what you do, baby

And I'ma keep saving all my love for you

Oh oh oh

Saving all my love for you, saving all my love for you

(I, I'm saving all the love I'm saving all my love for you) Yeah

I felt the rhythm all over my body while moving to the beat, imagining what it would be like to be with someone who might actually love me for me.

Yeah, if I had a hundred, I would break you off a fifty

Yeah, I know you'd do the same, I know you'd split it with me

Yeah, on ya team, Micheal Jordan, Scottie Pippin

Long as we got each other, I ain't trippin'

You the one, you the realest, you the realest (I, I)

Only you, yeah, it's only you (only you) that get my attention

Only you, swear it's only you, ain't no competition, no

'Cause baby, you give me everything that I've been missin' (oh)

That's why I'm saving all my love for you

“Oh shit, sis is snappin on the vocals.” I could hear Leilani through the cracked door with one headphone on my right ear. It felt good seeing her vibe to me singing, it was something we do growing up. To get that opportunity again was amazing. Florian kept smirking at me, with a sudden lovey look in his green-gold eyes. He was leaning by Marcus, on the soundboard just in tranced by everything. I gave it my all and even hit a high note in there.

Saving, saving saving all my love

Saving all my love for you

I been saving (saving it for you)

(I'm saving all my love)

Saving all my love, saving all my love for you

You got it all to yourself

Just keep doin' what you do, baby

And I'ma keep saving all my love (all my) for you, oh (oh yeah)

Saving all my love (my love) for you, saving all my love for you

All (you) my (you) love (you) for you

(You) all (you) of my love saving all my love

You got it all to yourself

Just keep doin' what you do baby, yeah yeah

You got it all to yourself

Just keep doin' what you do baby, doin' what you do baby, yeah

You got it all to yourself

Just keep doin' what you do baby, doin' what you do baby, yeah yeah

You got it all to yourself

Just keep doin' what you do, baby, doin' what you do, baby, hey

Oh, what you do to me, baby

Oh, what you do to me, baby

I, I'm saving all the

I'm saving all my love for you (for you, I)

I, I'm saving all the

I'm saving all my love for you

Sending a wink in Florian’s direction, the game had started for us both. I had remembered that skate night was this weekend, the perfect opportunity to get this bet started. Coming out the booth feeling giddy about myself, I received a hug from my sister gaining my confidence over tenfold.

“You my dear, have a gift.” Florian took my hand and placed a kiss on top of it, trying to sway my way.

“Thanks. It’s one of my hidden talents, that I let you see without an ulterior motive.” with an arch in my brow, I gained a few laughs in the room. Looking him up and down, he eyed me too.

“You plan on giving me a show with your other talents, love?” He arched his brow as well, biting his bottom lip. Michael and Leilani were eating up the commentary.

Leilani took a picture of me for a split second, along with getting one of Florian with a shit eating grin on his face.

“Now yall both can either kiss already or do the first challenge. Am I right?” Mike reminded us both, setting the whole mood in motion.

“He’s right. Listen, this friday there’s a skate night at my old stomping grounds; Roller Jam in Staten Island. If you can skate to the beat, with some rhythm, I’ll go on a date with you.” crossing my arms across my chest, I felt confident in myself and always up for a challenge.

“Roller skating? You may have to help me out then. I’m tall enough but willing to learn.” Florian nodded in agreement and smiled genuinely at me. He handed me his phone to plug his number in, to set the game in motion and vice versa.

Sending the directions to the skating rink to him, I managed to take a picture of myself for the contact, and he did one for his in my phone. Before I left with my sister I set the tone of the challenge, standing on my tippy toes in my vermillion Nike Air Maxs, and placed a sweet kiss to his cheek. Looking into the reflective mirror on the wall I saw his cheeks turn red. His scent caught my senses, and it was intoxicating. He smelled like a warm fire and cocoa, something I wouldn't mind snuggling up against. Pulling away, I saw him look into my eyes for a split second, drawing me in but I had to be strong.

“Let the games begin, Munteanu.” With a gentle whisper against his ear, I grabbed my things and left him there speechless. Watching him watch me walk away with a sway in my hips.

“Let the games begin indeed, Shaw.” he was biting his plump bottom and giving me a once over one last time.

“You got it bad for my cousin bro. Let’s just hope for your sake, Jake doesn't come around and try to win her back.” I heard my cousin say to Florian as they left as well.

“I’d like to seem him try. I never lose.” the confidence in his voice stirred something in me, awakened the desire in me to finally be happy.

If Jake thinks he can mess up my fun, well he’s got another thing coming.

[survivor-tierradelfuego]

Ep. 6: “I hate this slow death” - Pedro

Pedro A

im ready for revenge

Ryan

Everything about that tribal was... not great. I am not a fan of my new tribe, Amy betrayed me and Alan's mullet is starting to annoy me lmao. Might have to go with the hanuha peeps

Najwah

I was looking forward to a tribe swap because I was on the outs of my last tribe but this is literally my worst nightmare. We are outnumbered. So automatically if we went to tribal either James or I would be voted out. Also, the ONE person on my old tribe that I've never spoken to. James. I have zero relationship with him at all. In fact, I don't trust him at all. So this is going to be difficult. Best I can do is get to know the other people. Awesome plus is that two other members are from other parts of the world too so I can talk to people during day hours. Haha. Urgh hopefully we win our next challenge and the ones after that. James isn't really a good team player. He's very technical and I suspect he has the jewelery box. So yeah, let's se how this goes. I only have one goal right now and that is to make it to merge. That's it. Pedro A

i honestly will tell all the alliences kalle has..if we lose the challenge

Alan B

I lost all my friends in the swap!!! Im so scared 

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOoHPa38woQ&feature=youtu.be

James Hayden

Ryan messaged Naj and I saying he and Amy had a falling out, but reconnected with her and is iffy about Alan. Based on old Maola’s round 5 tribal, it appears that Alan is on the outs. Amy messaged Naj saying that she’s happy someone from Africa is also on the tribe. If Naj can pull in Amy and I can pull Ryan then we have a 4-1 over Alan. But I don’t know if that’s the best move. If we vote Alan out, then Palena consists of 2 original Hanuha and 2 original Maola. If we go back to tribal, then we probably deadlock and I’m NOT letting a challenge decide my fate in this game. If we bring in Alan, then we have their vote the three of us can vote out Amy and Ryan, have the numbers on the tribe, and go into the merge three strong. I can offer Alan a spot in F6 w/ Jess or they can be voted out pre-merge because it seems that Ryan, and maybe Amy, are willing to vote them out. In the words of Rory Freeman," I think I found my little crack.” I just need to talk to Naj and see what she thinks about this. 

Ryan

I’m bitter as hell. I really wanna make my teammates regret not getting rid of me over John 

Zack M

oop- i should have confessed earlier but like i decided to drink and watch the strangers with my roommates because we don't have a challenge tomorrow. love a night off. but i remembered just now so let me try to recap what happened today..... WE SWITCHED TRIBES. thank god i stepped up as the hanuha (i never know if i'm spelling that correctly and i'm too lazy to check) leader. yes, i volunteered but let's be honest i was the leader regardless. maddison from the other tribe and i did a school yard pick for new tribes. i was really hoping that maddison was going to be available because najwah was hardcore online stalking the other tribe and found out she is a big katy perry fan. i happened to have met katy at a party and she took my phone to take a photo of us. i was totally going to lie and say she was one of my artists and i would get maddison a personalized signed record of her upcoming album if she kept me safe. soooooooooooo if maddison sticks around keep an eye out for that move. putting it in my back pocket for now. no one is safe with me. lol. anyways, this couldn't have worked out better for me. i got ben and cody which are each my final 2 but also we're in a final 3 together. what? i know! i needed this good luck. i feel bad because i don't have sarah and james but i couldn't get everyone from my top 5 alliance. i also feel bad because i had a really great conversation with najwah today and i absolutely love her. however, she was ready to work with new people so i hope she finds peace with the new tribe she is on. i also hope she works with james and doesn't fuck him over so we can all be reunited at the merge. praying for you james because i know she is ready to switch it up. i chose pedro and kalle from the other tribes for specific reasons. pedro beat me at the flag challenge. i felt like this would give us common ground to create a relationship. i also chose kalle because she was the one that ben was talking to last night when we struck a deal with the immunity challenge. RELATIONSHIPS. i'm playing a very social game so i want to make sure i'm in everyone's head. side note: can i say how happy i am that john was voted off tonight. i know he wasn't on my tribe but that bio / the way he acted last night when i was trying to strike a deal was so cocky. he would have been my #1 target if we moved into this round with him. like i was debating getting him on my team and purposefully losing to vote him out and get the numbers up for my original tribe. kind of bummed when i didn't see his name on the list. sorry dude ... but not really. easier for me. things at the new hanuha are weird. obviously ben, cody, and i are close. as far as i know none of us have messaged the others individually and none of them have messaged us. again, cody is a wild card. i love him but i just do not trust that kid. hopefully everyone is telling the truth. i want to reach out to pedro but i don't want to come off too strong yet. not making the same mistakes as you john. my goal this entire time (well since i decided this was a legit game and i would stick around) was just to make it to the merge and now i see the finish line. i don't know if i'm going to have the ability to stay after. i'm a huge threat. let's be honest. i don't know the other tribe but if they are playing the quiet game that i think they are then i'm the last person in this game SO FAR who has made big moves and gotten away with it. i think it is obvious to everyone. pedro even mentioned neil tonight which was HELLA strange. like did neil reach out to him? were they close before? WTF IS NEILS REACH?! this is why i will not allow another pisces in this game. if they have the numbers at the merge and they don't vote me out then they are really playing the worst game possible. im READY to really play and i'm sooooooo ready to stop playing a game for the tribe and start playing the game for me. HERE FOR SOLO IMMUNITY CHALLENGES. i've shown that i'm a comp beast ... once i understand the rules. but our tribe has been quiet tonight. i'm not sure what to do to spark conversation with the newbies. one day at a time. i would suggest throwing this challenge to get one of them out but ben is in school for tv / film and feels confident in his editing skills. i would like him to have a moment to shine and i would never take that away from him. i do have to say out of everyone i've met in this game so far that i appreciate ben the most. he is definitely stiff competition and if one person is going to beat me then he absolutely deserves it! everyone else i've met is floating in my opinion. that's all she wrote.

Pedro A

im honestly sooo doneeeeee.....first John......now im on the bottom.....im honestly so done....if the idol hunt doesnt work, ...idk what will happen

Pedro A

the 3 people that are in the tribe with me and kalle are inseparable...there is no cracks what so ever..lets just hope we win every challenge

Pedro A

honestly im just gonna try to be nº4 on this tribe...and hope we just lose once

Pedro A

guess what bitchessss.....my unlucky ass got nothing in the idol search....WE LOVE TO SEE IT..........honestly not suprised..luck hasnt been on my side...i hate this slow death

Pedro A

But if you close your eyes

Does it almost feel like Nothing changed at all? And if you close your eyes Does it almost feel like You've been here before? How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Pedro A

okay so im creating a graphic ..that explains the routes in the idol search...that me and kalle have done..so we can know where not to go. I also completed it with the info that john once told...rip john....lets hope we find something

Ryan

Ultimately, I am very sad hearing about what Alan is going through. But I am only slightly thankful for them making this decision, as it means I wouldn't have had to blindside Amy next time we go to tribal

Sarah

This new Maola tribe is like night and day difference compared to my old Hanuha tribe. This tribe is so quiet! I’m not used to not having over 100 unread messages in a day... Aimee and I are definitely down in numbers on this tribe and I get the feeling that the three former Maola tribe members are pretty tight so I am hoping we win this immunity! Ideally, if we did go to tribal I would want to work with Aimee and pull someone else in but if that won’t work then I could vote out Aimee since ya know she wrote my name down. But Aimee really is a great human and I would be down to work with her. 

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dbm4Ei7thuo&feature=youtu.be

AMY A

Tribe swap! I was unfortunately put in the tribe of people no one chose and that bummed me out for a few hot seconds but I also realized that out of a tribe of five, there's three internationals and one gender non-conforming person so maybe its just that people just cannot relate with us as well as  with Americans. That asiude, this tribe seems to be the right mix. I feel like this challenge was MADE for us cos we can totally milk the culture thing. If Najwah is able to put the videos together well, there is no way we wouldn't win outright. In the event of us losing, Alan has already suggested wanting to get out for mental health reasons so that would be an easy vote. All in all, I feel safe (knock on wood) for this round.

Ryan

I feel like I'm really settling into my groove in this new tribe. We really get on and we really all try our best (my last tribe did too but this one's just kinda special idk)

Zack M

i can't remember if i've confessed or not. i wish there was a way that i could read what i previously wrote. well i'm on a team with cody and ben with pedro and kalle from the other tribe. pedro is a little hard to read but i like him. kalle says he is hardcore searching for the idol though. she also shared that she believe grae and alan have the idol from the other tribe. so if they haven't used it by merge, they will be my #1 targets. i don't really have much to say. we made a video for the music video challenge. i sent a few notes to ben. hopefully he listens and corrects them because i don't know how tough the judges are going to be but there were definitely moments that could be cleaned up / better footage that could have been used. look it's hard for me to put my game in someone else's hands and that's what i feel like i'm doing right now. i wish i would have volunteered to edit but this is what he wanted to do so i'm going to respect that. i did get a reward because i was chosen as team leader. i was able to talk to past players who drafted me. i was honestly so stoked to chat with them and tell them what's been going on in my game. however, it seemed to be an inside joke reunion for them and i didn't really get anything out of it to be honest. it's like cool, you've sat on Skype for a crazy amount of time as well. love that for you. NOW HELP ME. but whatever. if i lose, they lose also. i guess i'll probably update again when i find out if we won the music video challenge or not. party.

Pedro A

Omg I hope we win this challenge.....I'm so scared...chilllleee..if we lose ..I already lost my one life lol

Ryan

We are not mad at Alan sending themself home. It'll be sad to see them gone, but it means I can get rid of them without having to worry about souring my relationships with old Maora

Olivia A

I feel really good about this new tribe and am really glad that we were able to keep 3/4 of my original alliance (Maddison, Grae, and me). Since we didn’t lose this challenge I think the 3 (and hopefully 4 if Kalle doesn’t get voted out) of us can stay strong to the merge and through the rest of the game. :) 

Maddison

Tribe swap played out as well as I could have hoped. I hope my original alliance members stay strong and we can make the merge as a strong three.

Aimee

Oh! I am having so much fun with my new Maola tribe! I think we vibe really well together. 😘🌈💜

Zack M

WE WON. omg thank god. the other videos were cute. reality: all three videos were tragic in my opinion but i'm a perfectionist. it's a win i'll gladly take. the scores were all positive except from ellie. ellie is really not a fan of the music video challenge and it shows from the bio / scores. we were better than 6 7 8 and 9s. shout out to the person that gave us straight 10s. WHAT WE DESERVED. tribal has also happened. super sad to see that alan asked to leave the game. i do find it wild because kalle shared that she believed alan had the immunity idol. this gives james and najwah a chance to continue on though and i'm so happy for them! low key hope they lose again because i feel like it would be easier for them to convince one person to vote with them. idk. also, i just think james has the idol so i don't mind him taking a hit if he can come back from it. we are currently waiting on a new challenge. not excited. was ready for a night off! but LETS GO.

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsBK4PSENrQ

Najwah

Soooo last time I did this I don't think I was aware, that the tribe swap was a school yard pick. Dunno can't remember. Tbh I am re-annoyed that when Jay asked who volunteers, I was busy typing, but Zack once again took it. Do I feel bad about not being chosen by Zack when he was decompressing with me for a whole half an hour before it all happened? He was venting and anxious. He probably had his reasons. Well done for choosing a videograoher on his team too. Does it feel weird being part of the leftovers? Sure. As a POC it's difficult not to see that the non white people, person who stutters and young guy were not chosen by the leaders. I'm not sure why Alan wasn't chosen, probably because they were the hosts sibling? But yes, the innate racism, ableism and ageism was definitely apparent. Personally, I think a randomizer should be used. And people would call this exaggeration or trying to play the victim/being salty but if you're a POC and have experienced this kind of thing for 30+ years, you just see things for what they are. Anyway, on the plus side being on a group of misfits means that no one has alliances. Everyone is just genuinely nice. Wow. What a breeze. I started bonding with James more. I like this tribe. I feel less stressed on this tribe. Perhaps it's that we are all on different timezones so we all talk at different times, which I like. Perhaps it's because there are way less people lol. Do I feel discouraged though? Yes. I don't think we will win immunity. We are all too out of sync. 

Najwah

The music video challenge was fun. Not the best song choice tbh. I wanted to do Journeys don't stop believing because we were a bunch of misfits and I've been binge rewatching Glee again after Naya's death. Being a POC bi woman, that death affected me a lot last week. And Mr Shue is right. Journey is great. Anyway. I loved all the snippets and how much effort everyone put into the videos. It took me a long time. Like 8 hours to edit all of THAT, coz I did it in Vegas Pro instead of TikTok or a phone app like we should have done ugh why am I stupid. so I was sad when we didn't even place, but also Alan gifted me an immunity idol before they left and I was so overwhelmed I literally CRIED.  I miss Cody. I miss Leanne. People I could actually talk to about these things lollll. I guess we just have to try our best to win tonight. Our team is so out of sync though I don't see that happening. But we will try our best I guess. Last time we won an immunity challenge I prayed to God that we win. I think i will do that again. I think God likes survivor. 

Najwah

I need to make a disclaimer. I'm not unhappy about anything. I'm not salty about anything. I'm not upset or being complain-y. I'm just making observations. I am still really happy about this game, being able to play in it and being able to get to know people I wouldn't have crossed paths with in my wildest dreams.

[order-disorder-blog]

My TOP 5 Festival Moments

Like I already wrote in my first blog post: I love festivals. And I attended a lot of festivals in the last years. Now I want to share my TOP 5 moments at festivals. I guess there are more than only five but these are the ones that totally stuck in my mind and I hope I will never forget them. Once I heard someone say “No photo can describe what you were feeling in this moment. So you keep these memories in the photo book of your heart” – I liked this quote.

So here are my TOP 5 festival moments:

 5. The perfect sound track for a setting sun

So I start with my fifth favorite festival moment. It was 2009, I was 18 years old and it was my second festival I ever attended. It was the “Hurricane Festival” in Germany. I was there with several friends when bands like Faith No More, Arcade Fire and The Hives were playing. But there was one special band that created the perfect festival moment. It was a band you may have heard of if you’ve watched the film “Fight Club”. When my friends and I went to the festival area on Saturday evening the sun was about to go down. We just had barbecue and a beer and were looking forward to the headliner of the night. But before that there was this band playing on the main stage. I only heard the intro and I was like “Oh my god, the Pixies!”. While we were walking to the stage they started playing “Where Is My Mind”. This moment will forever stick in my mind and my heart because it was one of the most beautiful moments I ever had at a festival. I still keep this image in my mind. The setting sun, the great weather and this song.

Thank you Pixies!

4. Feeling like a teenager again

In summer 2016 I attended three festivals. It was quite funny because I only planned to go to one of them. But it turned out that I was working at the second festival and I was accredited as a journalist for the third festival called “Chiemsee Summer”. It was the first time that I attended a festival as a music journalist for my music blog Hailtothebeat (If you know German you can check it out ;) ).

Me and my friend wrote an E-Mail to the festival to ask for an accreditation. Okay, to be honest, we only wanted to go there because two guys from our favorite band were doing a DJ gig at the festival and since we didn’t want to buy the expensive tickets we tried to get a press accrediting.

So we had this idea to write this E-Mail after a night with lots of drinks just for fun and it turned out that we got our accreditation for the festival and could go there for free. Of course we wrote our articles and did photos for our blog and it was just one of the best experiences I had since I started this music blog! We saw a lot of great bands playing and some bands we didn’t like – such as Limp Bizkit and The Prodigy – but there were two bands that let me feel like a teenager again.

When Sum 41 hit the stage I was like “OMG I listened to their music when I was 16 and now I get to see them live. After 10 fucking years!”. I didn’t even know that they did a new record – which is called “13 voices” and I can totally recommend it now that I listened to it! After Deryck Whibley’s total collapse because of alcohol addiction and his rehab they were back and they played all the songs I wanted to hear. They definitely let me feel like being 16 again.

One day later another band played that influenced my teenager years. When I was 17/18 I listened to a lot of hardcore/metalcore and one of these bands I listened to was Parkway Drive from Australia. I saw them one time live when I was 16. And now, 9 years later, I saw them again. Singer Winston McCall is not only a very hot guy but also a very funny guy. They played after a hip hop band and after them a German indie rock band was playing so they didn’t really fit into the running order but they did a great job. People were going crazy in the pogo and Parkway Drive beautified their show with some fireworks. For a short moment we were afraid they would burn the stage down but the firemen were standing next to the stage, so everything was safe.

That was not only a great festival moment but also a great final for one of the best festival summers I ever had!

3. The sound check of my life

In summer 2014 I was at a festival called “Highfield”. Bands like Blink 182 and Macklemore & Ryan Lewis were playing. But on the last day there was also one band playing that is my favorite band for years: Beatsteaks (sorry that I mention them so often but I really love this band and I will write about them in another blog post).

On this Sunday which was the last day of the festival we woke up after a night full of rain. But in the morning the sun was shining. We had breakfast – Nutella toast and beer haha – and while we were enjoying our breakfast we suddenly heard some music coming from the festival area. We were confused because the festival started in the afternoon and it was only noon at that time. So we suggested that it was a sound check a band did. First we couldn’t really hear the music but after a few minutes it got louder. Since we were camping very close to the festival area we could hear the sound check very well. And on this Sunday our favourite band  - that wasn’t playing live for two years until this Sunday  - was doing sound check for their gig that night. Suddenly every one at the camping site was turning off their music and it seemed like everyone was listening to the sound check the Beatsteaks did on stage. Although no one could see them, people started singing and dancing along to their music at the camping site. It was just a great moment at a festival and I guess that’s what festivals are for! The Beatsteaks did a whole hour of sound check – I guess they had to rehearse a lot after a break of two years!

In the end the concert that night was just great and I never was so happy to see my favorite band playing live on stage again after they were forced to do a break because of a terrible accident the drummer had. This video was filmed during the concert at the festival:

2. The best after show party ever

It was a festival I attended this year in June. Such a small festival called “Kosmonaut” which is decorated very beautiful and detailed. There were umbrellas hanging in the trees with lights in it! At the last day of the festival me and my friend went to the official (unofficial) after show party at the backstage tent where only people were allowed to go who had the “friends”-pass. Since we had it we thought “Oh we should go there!”. And what should I say? It was the best party I’ve ever been to!

The German band Kraftklub was hosting the festival and the party and they definitely know how to throw a good party.  The DJ was playing such a great party set list. Only songs from the 90s and early 00s. Sometimes some newer German songs were being played but you could tell that the DJ, the hosts and most of the guests at the party were in their mid or late twenties according to the music at the party, haha.

We danced the whole night and had beer and sparkling wine. People were even crowdsurfing in the party tent. What a crazy night! When we left the party in the early morning the sun was already shining. So we went outside and sat down at the lake next to the tent (the whole festival was taking place close to a lake). We were just giggling (not only because we were drunk), it was just a funny and crazy night. Partying with some really funny and likable music fans was just awesome and great. We were just laughing when we passed the empty festival area to go back to the camping site. I don’t know what the security guy must have thought when we passed him tottering.

Maybe the last drink wasn’t a good idea and maybe only four hours of sleep during the whole weekend wasn’t good either – but it was WORTH it! The train ride back home was the worst train ride I’ve ever had because I was so hangover but it was the best weekend ever! <3

This is the official after movie:

1. “There goes my hero….”

It was the summer of 2015. It was so hot outside, like 30 degrees. I was attending the German festival “Rock im Park” with bands like The Prodigy, Slipknot, Bastille, Marilyn Manson and many German bands. The first day was and will ever be the best day of the whole festival! First my favorite band Beatsteaks played – which is always a pleasure as I already mentioned – but second, the headlining band on this first day were the Foo Fighters! I saw them once when I was 17 on my first festival ever. But at that time I didn’t know many songs and the sound was bad so I was looking forward to other bands that played at this festival. But seven years later I was sooooooo nervous and curious to see the Foo Fighters again.

We were already at the festival since noon and because of the weather we were totally fucked up. But when Dave Grohl and the Foo Fighters entered the stage I felt totally happy and fit again. They started with “Everlong” and played all the great songs like “Learn To Fly” and “Times like These”. But there was one song that made me totally emotional.

After half of the set (so let’s say after 90 minutes – the Foo Fighters play very long concerts) Dave Grohl went on the stage in the middle of the audience and he was all alone with only a acoustic guitar in his hands. And he started playing this song.

“My Hero”

While he was playing I got goosebumps! And when everyone was singing along to the chorus I just forgot myself. It was THE BEST moment I ever experienced at a festival. 80 000 people singing along to “My Hero” while Dave Fucking Grohl was playing the song only with an acoustic guitar. I will never forget that moment.

I’m actually watching the live stream of the Foo Fighters gig from Lollapalooza Berlin 2017 and I get goosebumps again. If my 17year old me would have known that the best concert I’ve ever been to will be a Foo Fighters concert seven years later, maybe my 17year old me would have appreciated it more.

I hope they will tour soon here in Germany and this time I will definitely attend a concert to finally see them again!

“There goes my hero Watch him as he goes There goes my hero He’s ordinary”

[freerebelmentality]

The night she went away pt4 (Final)

Word Count: 1,920

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Herman wakes early in the morning, he sits in the kitchen debating if he should make breakfast or not. He watches the coffee maker brew a fresh pot of coffee. You stir awake, reach over and find the other side of the bed empty. You look around the room to see if Herman is still home or even in the bath room.

His kutte is draped over the arm chair thats placed in one corner of the room and knew that he is still home. You begin to get out of bed slowly, reach for your robe thats hanging behind the door and put it on. You walk out and head down the stairs where the noises are beginning to get louder. You knew he is in the kitchen scrambling around making breakfast.

“Wow, smells good in here” you say as you walk towards the coffee maker

Herman turns around and sees you walking beside him. He has a wide smile on his face, the smile you have always loved. Even when that smile is for you.

“I woke up early and made coffee first. I went to sit out on the deck for a bit and debated if I should make breakfast” he says while scrambling the eggs with the spatula.

“Or not cause you havent been home or still a sleep when I make something” he adds while his smile fades away and slowly turns to his cooking thats sizzling on the stove top

Your smile fades as soon as he says that and that made your heart break. You knew you have been blocking him out on this major issue you have.

You knew it was time to explain to him why you have been distant with him and finally time to let him in.

“I need a lot of explaining to do and I have been wanting to tell you but thats the hardest part” you explain as you look away from him.

You are trying to hold in your sob thats already begin to tighten around your throat and tried to hold back the tears that are ready to stream down your face.

Herman’s silence signals for you to continue, he reaches over to place his hand over yours. A signal for you to take your time.

“A couple of years ago, my best friend and I had these plans of moving to New York. We were on the verge of getting the careers we wanted but” you stop mid sentence and try to contain yourself

”Take your time” he says while rubbing soothing circles with his thumb

“She got sick, hospitalized once but she got better. We took our time with the moving and decided to stay back in Tacoma because she didnt want to worry her parents. So I stayed to” you continued while smiling to the faint memories

“Thats when I decided to go to school for nursing, so that I could help her in some way” you say while thinking back to all the late nights of studying, while she sat across from you studying as well.

She was already well on her way of going to school to become a lawyer and you were happy she is determined enough to pursue that. Knowing with how sick she got at times. She didnt let her lupus get in the way of enjoying life.

“When we graduated, is when we decided to make the move soon. Right after I was done my residency at the hospital is when we were going to make the move” you continue as tears begin to blur your vision

“She got really sick, ambulance rushed her to the ER and I was working that night. Paramedics, me and a few others rushed her to operating room to try and get the blood clot away from her lungs” a lone tear falls and streams down your face.

Herman also had tears in his eyes, he knew that you watched her die right in front of you. The one person you could have counted on for anything was slowly deteriorating and all you could do was try to save but couldnt.

“We were to late, she died on the operating table” you let out a sob as the tears begin to fall more

Herman rushes to your side, he pulls you into his arms and hugs as tightly as he could. He didnt know about the friend you have lost or the sister you lost.

“Her memorial is coming up and I thought I let go but the day looms closer and I just cant get the idea that she is gone. I cant because I dont want to” you sob out as the tears fall even more

“You shouldnt have rushed yourself to let go so fast, its ok to grieve for a long period of time and when the time was right. You would feel when its ready to let her go and time for you to heal” Herman says as he slowly pulls himself away from you and looks into your eyes.

“I thought I was ready. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting go like that but I wasnt ready” you tell him as you begin to wipe the tears away.

Herman gets up to get a box of tissues for you from the living room. You have always placed a box on top of the coffee table in the living room. He walks back into the kitchen and pulls the chair closer beside you and hands you the tissue

“You know, the guys, Tara and Gemma are all worried about you. Asked me how you have been and I told them what was going on” He says breaking the silence

“What did you tell them?” you asked while blowing your nose and wiping the tears from your eyes

As Herman looks to you and sees how puffy your eyes are. Is when he comes a little closer and kisses each eye. You loved how he can be so tender with you, especially while something like this is clouding your emotions.

“I told them you were going distant from me and I couldnt figure out why. I told them how you would stay out on the deck for long periods of time, sleeping all day, eating less and less” he says in a tinge of woe because of all the times you have been distant is when he thought he has done something wrong to piss you off.

That wasnt the case.

“They also mentioned, if you cant talk to me. You can talk to Chibs, Tara, Gemma and everyone else at the club. They dont want you suffering alone or suffer in isolation long” he adds as he places a kiss to your fore head.

“I got a text from my friends mom and they are having a candle light vigil in Tacoma and they are also having a dinner” you tell him as you smile at the amount of people who are concerned for you.

“So when are we leaving for Tacoma?” he asks looking hopeful that you will take him along

“Well since the memorial is next week, I thought we should leave Sunday and you can meet my other family” you smile at calling your best friends family yours, since the both of you were practically sisters.

“I’ll let the guys know at the club house that I will be away for a bit but Im sure they wont mind” he says while looking to you

“I will let Esther know that we are coming” you tell him as you bring out your phone to call your mom.

Esther didnt mind you calling her mom, since she considered you as her daughter as well. When you moved away is when she got worried about you, not because of the club but because you let go of everything so fast. The more she worried, the more she called, the more the text messages came and all unanswered. She was happy and relieved once you finally answered her text and telling you are coming.

Sunday came around very fast, you were packing the final things you needed for the trip and took the bags down the stairs to wait for Herman to come home and hit the road. You go into the kitchen and decide to make some snacks for the road and even made a thermos of coffee too.

You hear a bike pulling up the drive way and you begin to smile as the roar is cut off and hear him walking into the house.

“Ready babe?” he asks as he wraps his arms around you waist and gives you a chaste kiss to your cheek.

“Yeah, all set. You pack the truck while I clean up here a bit” You tell him as you begin putting the stuff away

He heads outside to pack the truck, he waits for you to come out. As you finish putting the things away and clean up a little bit is when you take one last look to the kitchen and satisfied with the clean up is when you grab the house keys from the bowl. Open the door and lock it up. You walk down the drive way and open the passenger door of the truck and hop in.

“Everything is good to go?” he asks looking to you.

“Yeah, lets head out” you answer and he starts the truck and backs out of the drive way.

As you and Herman drive out of Charming, you knew that this was a good choice to head back home and be there for your other family. Be there for yourself and embrace the times the both of you had.

Once you and Herman arrive in Tacoma is when the both of you drove directly to Esther’s house and surprise her. Along with introducing her to Herman, they got along great. After the short visit is when you went to your moms house, she couldnt believe you came for the memorial and even shared a few tears as she hugged you tightly.

She was happy you brought Herman.

As the candle light vigil begins, Esther has you carry Leah’s picture and hands you a candle. You look to the picture and its Leah with a huge smile, looking happy as ever. Her siblings hold pictures as well. Her sister April begins to share a few words and thanks everyone for showing up. Her older sister Betsy begins to hand out lanterns and place each candle into the lantern. Each of you let go of the lanterns and see each of them fly away.

Herman holds you tightly as he kisses the side of your head, you release a sob as tears begin to stream. Esther places her hand on your arm and gives a gentle squeeze. The rest of Leah’s sisters and brothers crowd around you, Herman and Esther as each of you watch the lanterns get further and further away. Her oldest brother Ryan tells everyone its time to head to the community hall and have supper.

Being with the family and yours is what you needed and most of all. You needed to have Herman with you as well and couldnt ask for a better out come. Everything went perfect but nothing felt as though anyone was missing. You felt your best friend all around everyone and it was like as if she was there and thats what brought you comfort.

[andrewuttaro]

New Look Sabres: GM 63 - PHI - Brandon Montour

The Flyers tonight are a really tough pill to swallow. Ugly mascots that end up changing the game aside, overly optimistic Sabres fans such as myself have been looking up in the standings at who these guys can catch, rather frustratingly so as of late. With a Flyers win tonight they surprise the Sabres from behind and hop ahead of them in the standings. Can you imagine that violent, orange cookie monster impersonator surprising you from behind? Want to hear another surprise from behind, no this isn’t a sex joke: Marco Scandella paired with Brandon Montour. OH VETERAN, MY VETERAN! WHATSOEVER WOULD COACH HOUSLEY DO WITHOUT YOU! Housley’s prioritization of veteran minutes is going to be a whole paragraph in the Season Retrospective isn’t it? Yea, THE SEASON RETROSPECTIVE THAT WILL HAPPEN IN APRIL IF HE CAN’T PROPERLY UTILIZE THIS ROSTER! Ok, stop, Andrew. Optimism; remember the optimism with which you started this blog. Ugh, what different days those were. Speaking of not making the playoffs, let’s talk trash about the last team the Sabres played in the playoffs! Philadelphia, the past of this match up it that old ballad about working class cities just smashing their blue-collar lunch pals at each other as hard as possible. The world and the NHL has changed and now a playoff matchup between these two teams looks more like it would be a speed-skill bonanza then any kind of grit-for-grit hockey men party. The Sabres are building something new while the Flyers are copying the Penguins model: yeah, I said Penguins! Sabretooth wasn’t wearing pants when Gritty wasn’t even a sparkle in Jakub Voracek’s eye yet! 2011’s rematch is a going to go for the Sabres in 6, you sloppy copycats. That was fun; too bad it’s going to make this next part harder. This was the night the playoffs died. But no, you’re New Look Sabres, you preach taking a New Look at this team time and time again! How can you say its over!? Well, eight points with twenty games left will do that to you. Luckily, we’re not focusing on that tonight.

New Flyer Ryan Hartman set the tone of this game leveling Rasmus Dahlin along the boards early. Zach Bogosian and the old-time hockey alliance came crashing in like you know and instigator penalty, other penalty, whatever-whatever it panned out to nothing. Want to know why contemporary hockey fans don’t give a shit about keeping fighting in the game old boys club? It doesn’t help. At best it gives your team a moderate morale boost at worst it chops years off dudes’ lives. Whatever, it didn’t help the Sabres win this game. If the Sabres weren’t outshot each period they were certainly outplayed. By eight minutes in the Flyers were already up 2-0 on the backs of Oskar Lindblom and Jakub Voracek. Let’s get something out of the way: this loss wasn’t because of Carter Hutton. He was left out to dry and when we look back on this season their will be poetry in that. More and more every year this club is Jack Eichel and friends. Our favorite Patriots fan put this team on his back and made us believe again like Tom Brady! Ok, that was gross to write. I’m sorry you had to read that. I’m going to collect myself now. Jack Eichel did get the puck from Skinner and did toe drag a fucking bullet in there, but the period ended 2-1 and even the grossly optimistic types like me still kind of felt this crap wasn’t going to get much better. Like the cold, cruel march of time closer to death the Sabres would get scored on once they began to give us hope. 15 minutes into the second period James van Riemsdyk redirects a puck in front and gets the orange boys up 3-1. What is that? This is one of those game Casey Mittelstadt flashes the kind of brilliance we’ll get from him on the regular in a year and a half or so? Awesome, New Sabre Brandon Montour gets the play going in the defensive zone that would eventually end in Casey Mittelstadt tapping in a goal via Evan Rodrigues and Conor Sheary. 3-2 Flyers would be the high-water mark of this game for the Sabres as the only positive highlight of the third period would be Travis Sandheim doing his Sabres ten game winning streak impression and crashing the net less then a minute in to get the Flyers their two-goal lead back. Whatever whatever, Claude Giroux, whatever whatever, can you believe they eliminated Caelynn on the Bachelor, whatever whatever; Sabres lose 5-2 in regulation and give up another spot in the standings falling to a full eight points back. The Panthers might still win their game at the posting of this and they can hop over the Blue and Gold too because irony has no bounds in the season of the ten-game winning streak that saw no playoffs.

So yes, it’s not over until the fat lady sings. There is a ridiculous scenario where the Sabres win 65-75% of their remaining games to sneak into the playoffs. As I began saying last night, start cushioning the blow now, fam. Enjoy what’s left of the ride but start thinking about what’s for dinner. I’m letting my soccer side out starting now. Hell, I just posted on my politics blog for the first time in like a month. Let loose, Spring is officially 21 days away even if playoffs aren’t. However, this is not how I’m ending the blog today. No sir: we have a new player to celebrate. Brandon Montour had about as decent a game as you can have in a loosing effort on the road when your new coach insists on putting you with a negative player that is really only in because he’s been in the league for a while. I mentioned Montour being the catalyst of the Mittelstadt goal play earlier, but Montour made some good moves in this game. He broke up a lot of opposition passes in the defensive zone, more than you expected before with this Sabres defense. For all you suburban hockey dads he also laid out a decent hit or two in the third period that feels right in a game against the Flyers. He made his mistakes too, struggling in the offensive zone shortly before the JVR goal. Nonetheless Montour is a clear addition to this team and if shit ever gets better here for a Sabres fan I have a feeling #62 will be a part of it. This one just hurt, and I very much look forward to turning my attention to the Rochester Americans for tomorrow’s Amerks Angle update. I’ll be discussing banners in that one so if you need a palette cleanser check back tomorrow.

In fact, cross-promotion city here because how long can we talk about this dreadful team, if you got an eye for Soccer, I have a whole soccer blog at Rochester Rhinos Outsider if you want to check in on that. I also have a politics blog but let’s keep it in the sports family for right now. Right now: I just want you to like, share and drop a comment on this post. Let’s commiserate together because now, with the deadline past this is the bed we’re sleeping in from now until April 6th, fam. I’d love to hear from you. If you’ve read this far you probably won’t mind a conversation with me either. Reply or @ me on twitter or DM on twitter or Tumblr. If you’re only on this blog because I posted that neat little graph last night, stick around, there’s another one of those coming Saturday! No matter what you’re here for, it’s the Sabres that brought us all together and no matter how ass they maybe they can’t take that from us! Let’s Go Buffalo!

Thanks for reading.

P.S. In all the busy-ness of the last few days I forgot to mention Kyle Okposo is back already. Evidently his concussion was only slightly worse than Jeff Skinner’s ankle injury and he’s already back! I like to think fan support helped that along.

[roughentumble]

so i finally got to finish white rabbit and it was Bad. its bad film scoob

to get more detailed, and possibly i just wasn’t paying close enough attention to this first point, but, it’s something so basic that it should be pretty clear to the audience unless you’re messing with it on purpose, the timeline is absolutely confusing as heck. how long did harlon and julie know each other? i have NO IDEA. i legit am convinced it was only 2 days. i just can’t.... possibly conceive of it being any other increment of time? but also that still doesn’t make sense to me because things escalate So Damn Quickly. his bully bullied him literally right before summer, then summer ends and he insists he’s Changed and that all that stuff In The Past is something he’s improved about himself now that he’s Matured?????? wHat???? also there’s something very abrupt about the film’s timeline. we see one or two scenes with harlon as a child, then only scenes of him in a very specific summer in a very specific year(i.e. the year that he either violently shoots up his school, or dreams about violently shooting up his school, more on that later tho) which isn’t INHERENTLY bad, but... you didn’t get this... the film is striving to explain how things build up and build up and build up inside a person, why things go so wrong, and why we have school shootings(or at least, ONE explanation why some kids engage in school shootings) but you don’t GET a sense of things being built up. the whole film felt like a bunch of choppy scenes spliced together

and it didn’t really...... harlon’s hallucinations felt like such a small PART of the film, they were SO scattered and didn’t really. i dunno. it just didnt all click together in any coherent or meaningful sense. the whole film is so odd, poorly handled, and disjointed that i’m having trouble writing coherent thoughts about it. 

julie was, altogether, a shallow character who was literally a manic pixie dream girl. she stumbled into his life twice, the first time changing him for the better(in some ways, he does stand up for himself for the first time after kisses him), the second time using her own personal growth that all took place OFF-SCREEN and with barely an explanation thrown out there, TO TRY AND FIX HARLON AGAIN like she’s JUST a catalyst for his own growth that’s all she is, and she’s a shoddy one at that. she doesn’t feel like she belongs in the film at all, she feels like she was in an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT film and somehow managed to step through a door and land in this town somehow. she’s weird, she’s poorly-written imho, she’s distracting, she takes up time that COULD be used to actually give... literally any character any personality at all, even a little

oh yeah, nobody has any... personality. they’re all like these cardboard cutouts, the stereotypical abusive redneck dad, the stereotypical shitty siblings(fun fact! i literally forgot he had siblings, throughout the entire film i just kept forgetting, and i only remember now because a different review mentioned them! fun), the tired and slightly overbearing but ultimately caring mother, the bully, the sniveling friend, the angry shouty parents of the sniveling friend who seem to have no source for their anger they just Are Mad Now, the girl who waltzes into Main Character’s life and shakes things up, the Crazy School Shooter who Hears Voices From His Violent Comic Books! everybody is like every other character ever, and even when shoddy writing starts putting them on a different path, they just head down... that same cliche path anyway, even though it makes no sense for them in context, like the world’s shittiest roller coaster

for example, the school shooting ending had NO buildup. it was last minute, went by real fast, had NO real stressor to speak of, it just... literally didnt make sense. harlon wasn’t an exceedingly angry child, he wasn’t overly-programmed for violence by the way his parents raised him... and yet, just like he’s been locked onto the rails, just cuz he Hears Voices so this Must Be A School Shooter Movie, he just stands there while the tracks take him from point a to point b

also, the entire film felt like nothing more than a grocery list, loosely detailing all of the every reason you ever ever ever hear that anyone ever does A Big Bad Thing, without any real deeper understanding of any of those things. like. it felt so... the entire film felt sterile. everybody was a standee on a track, rolling up to one another and saying in a SIRI-esque voice “HELLO. HERE IS REASON NUMBER 284 WHY I WILL BE SAD LATER. BEEP BOOP DEPLOYING SADNESS” before calmly being carried away by the motor. 

plus the ending is a total cop-out. the beginning of the film includes what is obviously harlon getting ready to shoot up the school, plus some voice-overs that don’t make sense yet, which is fine. sure. plenty of films make use of devices like that. then at the end, when he shoots up the school, it eventually ends on very similar footage from the beginning, with some teeny tiny details changed here and there, but... like, was he thinking about shooting up the school before going in to do it, or was he dreaming it, or did he shoot himself and now he’s in purgatory, forced to revisit his crimes at the hands of his evil bunny overlord...? it was ambiguous in the exact way a film like this should NEVER be ambiguous(or at least, not unless you’re way better than these people at writing >:// )

all of this being said, i do want to make a specific note that i liked the actors. i think they did a great job. i liked watching nick krause(harlon), i liked watching Sam Trammell(the father) struggle to bring nuance to such an awkwardly written role. honestly, sam’s character was easily the most robust one in the film, since he was abusive but he did love his kids and had moments with them where things WEREN’T bad, and moments that made it clear that he was trying, he just didn’t know any better and lived in this environment that stifled any and all change and personal growth, but at the same time he was never excused for his abusive behavior. sam trammell did literally awesome at is and he was quite possibly..... 1.5 whole dimensions. incredible

anyway, back on topic, i believed ryan lee as a bullied child-- did i like the writing for him, or how things were edited? no. but his acting, his tears, his emotions that he brought to the performance were MORE than satisfactory. 

the one i’m most hesitant to speak about is britt robertson(julie). like, on one hand, i just straight up... did not like julie. or rather, i would’ve been fine watching a film about julie, she seems nice and interesting(what lead her to her downward spiral of drugs and alcohol and attempted suicide? was she mentally ill, or were there outside stressors? what did she go through to heal the way she did over just one summer? what about that night was so bad for her that it caused her to go to rehab/a mental hospital? did she decide to on her own, or did her father make her?) but she’s barely touched in the film, barely given any space to feel anything, and so i find her presence, quite frankly, annoying. she should have been bigger or not there at all. but she was there, and she wasn’t bigger, and the writing really did not care about her feelings or motivations in the SLIGHTEST. and there’s only so much you can bring to that, acting-wise! the scene where she nearly dies in the field with harlon, when she’s talking about praying and how she never gets an answer, i BELIEVED the tears in her voice. she sounded visceral and honest. at the middle/end, when she came back and truly wanted to help harlon? the way she acted when the shooting was happening? i mean, i didn’t like the WRITING for her character, but i liked the emotions she managed to put into these scenes

and like. i know i’m skipping back here a bit, but nick krause did Good man. i thoroughly believed at least 97.25% of his emotions. i didn’t understand his motivations, and there were certainly flat and emotionless moments aplenty, but mostly they were born out of poor writing, and not actor shortcomings

the actors were not the problem. i would 100% see a movie just cuz nick krause was in it(if only to see if his acting only looked good in comparison to the script he was handed)

honestly i can’t really sum it up much better than these guys did, ngl

white rabbit was boring and shit and i hated it but im probs gonna give it a thumbs up cuz netflix was created by the devil himself and also i wanna see other films like it so. i suffer

[onesadlimabean]

Uhhh I won't lie as you've seen I really haven't been needing to use this blog as often and I'm proud of that, but now I feel like I may or may not (we'll see) start needing it again?? because like, lately ive been doing the "i miss you but dont" thing again and its "killing" me. Again, granted, I'm not in a state nearly as bad before and I'm thankful for that, but also, I can tell my mind is trying to teeter totter on how to feel again and because of that I find that I could go back into bad habits very easily. Can I just uhhhh see ryan blease that would be great thank yoooou

I just wanna see him I just wanna see his face and here his dorky voice I just want to hug him if I'm allowed I want to see my boo HAHAGA JUST KIDDING I WISH but also not oof. Still regardless I do kind of wish to see him I want to be near him and I want to like, face the pain of seeing him if that makes sense?? Because yes it’ll hurt

Oh oh oh !! I think I had a dream about him last night and in it he was talking to someone about me and like, mentioned that i used to have feelings but he doesn't know if i do anymore and im like BITCH COME ON so now that im awake im genuinely curious like does he think im gonna lose them for him anytime soon because uhhhh idk truthfully i don't. I still have that thought though, that thing where I'm afraid of the unrequited lOvE dying because that honestly hurts more than just being a hopeless romantic. It's been, 11 months OOF lmao still going strong (im gonna fuckin, cackle lmaoo). Honestly I just want everything to be okay and I do miss him more than I'm willing to let on even to myself. I want to see him I really do I've been wanting to and he's just so wishy washy it's difficult. These are the reasons why even if the circumstances were right we couldn't date anyway because uhhh we're just too complicated as people skrtskrt. I still have what he said to me stuck in my head, like the "blah blah future blah" i don't fully remember what he said but he basically pulled the move my dad did on my mom all those years ago with a "we don't know what the future holds" and it's like BITCH SHUT UUUP OMLLL. He NEVER talks about Ginelle, in fact he hasn't even mentioned "the gf" since I think early June. Idk what’s up with them, I think they're still doing that "we have until the end of summer" thing but it's not working last I heard???

Can I just say, coming from a friend point and not the hopeless romantic side, I truthfully don't even know if I wish them luck on staying together or not. Okay so hear me out, Ryan's pulled the "things used to be better" card on me before and it's like yeah okay I get that but I used to say the same shit about Luke and Anna did too about Bryan and look where that got us. Just because things "used to be better" doesn't mean that they'll last forever. You're going on your two year anniversary very soon and from the looks of it it almost seems like you'll either a) break up for it or b) be like 'haaa happy anniversary eee' and the feelings will mostly be faked. I want you two to find happiness, truly I do !! but I also want you two to realize that if this has been going on for 6 months like it seems it may have been, it's probably time you eithee have an extremely serious talk about this, or one of you guys have to break up with the other. And again, I'm not trying to say this from a oOoo rYaN perspective, I'm saying this from the bottom of my heart. I want Ryan to be happy and I want him to be in a relationship where he feels loved, no matter WHO it's with, I want him to feel content. So, I guess my moral of the story is, I hope that you two work out if it looks like there's a good chance it could, but if not, im sorry but i think it's time to go...

[therealbrittanychiz]

8.27.18

Welp I think it’s safe to say I suck at updating this thing. I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently though and I have sooo much that’s happened over the last year.

2017. It was the best and worst year of my life. If you read my last post I mentioned going to London and meeting Jenny for the first time! Well that was amazing. We had so much fun. I was really worried we wouldn’t get along or Denee would get along with her more than me but everything worked out fine! There were a few times were I apparently annoyed Denee and a couple times where she annoyed me so that rocked our friendship a little bit. Of course we’re still bffs and that’ll never change. But now we know to never travel with each other again xD Anyway! When we arrived I was so tried and we were running on 3 hours of sleep over the course of two days. Our flight had a layover in Iceland but it wasn’t too bad. We got lucky and landed the door window seat so there was lots of foot room! When we arrived we met up with Jenny and her dad. I literally had butterflies the entire time even after meeting her. I constantly had to pinch myself to see if I was dreaming! It was just so surreal I was finally with her. So we got to her house and just talked and rested up since the next day we had to catch the train to Paris!

Paris was incredible. It wasn’t too hot or rainy at all. I just wish I wasn’t totally exhausted and cranky (hangry)! So of course we needed food so we walked from our hotel to the Eiffel Tower just to look around. We finally found a place and I just got a sandwich so I was happy to just be eating. I was still tired so I was trying my best not to put Denee or Jenny in a bad mood either. I just stayed quiet and ate my food.

Afterwards we headed back and rested up. We went back out to see the tower at night and looked for a place to eat dinner and grabbed some snacks. The next day I felt much better after getting well needed sleep. I was also super excited for Disneyland! We didn’t really ride any rides since none of us were really ride people so we wandered around and shopped and had lunch. Then I saw they were having a meet n greet for princess aurora so Jenny waited an hour and a half with me so I could meet her! It wasn’t too bad. Denee went off on her own and apparently she met Captain Hook and had a sword fight with him xD so she kept occupied. On our way back to meet Denee we ran into the queen of hearts and tweedle dew and tweedle dum. They were fun! After that we grabbed slushies and we realized we had to be back to meet our bus to get back to our hotel. By then we were exhausted from walking so naturally I was the slowest and I was way far behind them but I made it eventually. We even waited like 20 mins for our bus to even get there! Still it was a fun day. We got back to our hotel and just hung out.

The next day was our Eiffel Tower day! We grabbed breakfast and headed out. The walk was actually much further than we anticipated. Still, we went all the way up to the top and it was so much fun! (More on this later). Then we did some shopping and wandered around and got some food.

Our final day in Paris was the louvre! It was incredible. It was so big and we didn’t even walk all of it. We maybe did half and by then it was almost time to leave. There was just so much to look at and we spent most of it trying to find the Mona Lisa! We found it though. It’s a lot smaller in person and the room was crazy crowded. It was still really neat. We then left and headed back to our hotel. That night we went to the arc de triumphe to see it all lit up. We took a few pics and went back.

We left Paris and headed back to Jenny’s house and I was sooo glad to be “home”. So we hung out for a while and got some sleep. The next day we headed off to London! We got a flat pretty close to everything so that was nice. Our first day we did the London eye and did a boat tour on the river of Thames. We went back to our flat after that and relaxed a bit.

The next day we had afternoon tea and got to see some more sites so that was a lot of fun! We also did the queens jewels tour and walked around the castles.

Then we went up to the actual palace to see the changing of the guards so that was really cool to see. When we got back to our flat we went to go check out the shard but we hadn’t booked tickets to go inside though it was still cool to look at.

Denee went back to our flat but Jenny and I walked around the little garden park and sat on a bench for a while and just talked. We headed back and grabbed dinner. It was our last day in London as well so we had to go back to Jenny’s the next day.

At this point in our trip it’s been almost two weeks. When we arrived back the next morning we just hung out and tried to rest. The day after that we headed to Harry Potter studios! It was so much fun and I think the place where I spent the most money xD

The next day we went to a little beach town with a lot of arcades and shops and places to eat. We got legit fish n chips and ate by the water. We also played some arcade games and did some shopping but Jenny got the times messed up and we had to catch our train. We just barely made it bc I was in line to buy something but I had to put it back since our train was literally leaving within that minute so luckily we made it on!

The day after that was mostly a rest day. We had a concert and horse races to go to that evening. It was a lot of fun! We saw a British group called little mix who I listen to all the time now :p we placed some bets and of course won nothing but it was still a great night! Our final day was resting and packing. It was a bittersweet moment but we didn’t cry xP

We finally made it back home after a long 11 hour flight with another layover in Iceland. I was so happy to be home as much fun as I had. I missed my bed and my dog! Poor Jenny tho was so sick after our trip but she finally texted me after a few days saying how much fun she had.

So yeah that was my trip to Europe! And I totally plan on going back in 2019. We shall see!

Now onto the bad stuff. Remember in my last blog where I said we were having a cookout with my uncle and Mommom? Well that never happened. I was in the middle of a game day with my friends like I had previously said. Then I got the second worst call of my life. My Mommom has been in a car accident and they were trying to revive her. I was still hopeful she’d be okay. Then I got the first worst call of my life. I screamed and cried when my mom called with the bad news. Not to mention I was in front of my friends and one of Juan’s friends whom I’d just met that day. Mary ended up taking me home and she stayed with me until my parents got there.

Mary went home and we went to the hospital where she had died. It was so hard seeing everyone so sad. Definitely one of the worst days of my life. It was so horrible and I couldn’t believe it was happening. I just wish she had been alive long enough to see and hear about my Europe trip which she was excited for me to go. However...

Back to the Eiffel Tower! I was connecting to their WiFi when all of a sudden the WiFi name “Linda” popped up! I was just in awe and I took a screen shot to send to my mom. So it was if she really was with me in a weird way. (Maybe telling me to get off my phone and enjoy the view!)

I still feel her around me sometimes and I dream about her constantly.

So now onto August 2017! My friend Crystal was getting married. It was an okay wedding. I was not a bridesmaid as she wanted a small ceremony but me and my friend Amanda spent the night with her at the hotel so that was fun. Like I said it was an okay day. I was so tired when I got home tho!

Annnd now onto October!! Mary and Juan’s wedding was SO MUCH FUN. Denee and I were her maids of honor so we made a speech and everything. I was so nervous I dropped my phone with some notes from my speech so I could remember it. It was fine tho! Ofc we danced and ate and it was an all around good day.

Other than that the rest of the year was pretty chill. We went to downtown Annapolis for fireworks on nye so that was fun.

Annnnd now it’s 2018.

Im writing because I’m having surgery next week and I’m really nervous about it. I say it’s no big deal but on the inside I’m like freaking out. I always got the feeling I would die at a young age so maybe this is it. I have no idea. Maybe I’m just looking too much into this and everything will be fine. Who knows! I hope I’ll live through it xD

Lately I’ve been feeling a higher presence of my Mommom and I even had a dream about her today while I was napping. It was weird, she told me not to have sex with Ryan. Which i say is weird because we had a convo about it the other day. It was a really deep and meaningful convo and we usually don’t talk about stuff like that since we aren’t together yet. So who knows. Maybe she was just warning me but I doubt it’ll happen?

Anyway, Mom, if you’re reading this now you know the real me. I’m sorry I’ve been hiding this for so long. But I wanted you to see the other side of me. I hope you’re not reading this because that means you’ve found the sticky note on the side of my night stand. It means I’m dead, basically.

I want you to know I’ve always had a deep connection with my power of empathy and you might think that’s weird and I’m more strange than you thought. This is who i am. When I was younger I used to think I was psychic but now I know its empathy.

If you’re still reading know that I love you and dad and Hannah. Even though we didn’t always get along we had the typical mom and daughter fights probably more than normal but we always ended things on a good note.

Let the rest of my family know that I love them all and I’ll be watching over everyone and haunting y’alls asses so be prepared 😈

Tell my best friends (Mary, Denee, Juan, Michael and Andrew) that they are amazing and wonderful and thank them for being my truly awesome friends.

Especially to Mary and Denee. Mary, mostly for putting up with me for 21+ years. And Denee for 16+ years. I’m sorry for leaving you guys and I’ll be haunting you tooo ;)

Also tell Patti thanks for everything. She was my work mom and I’ll always love her too. I’m glad we became friends even if we didn’t get along at first! Bethany too, thanks for being my best work friend!

And tell Jenny what happened. Tell her I’m sorry for not being able to do the cruise with her and even just visiting her next year. Because I really wanted to. Tell her I love her (In the friend way, I’m not gay, I promise) she just has to know I loved her.

I suppose that’s it. If I really do die, I don’t really have any special requests. Do what you think I would’ve wanted. Take what I have in my account (you know it’s not much) and pay off my bills and then use it to divide between the three of you.

Okay now I’m done. Sorry this was such an emotional post and I really really hope I make it to see September 6th.

Later for now!

~ Brittany

[survivingjapan]

EPISODE 4 “The World Doesn't Revolve Around Jaiden Hantz” Jaiden

I voted for Jonathan because I thought that's what people were doing. Ashley went home.... Jonathan called out Alex after tribal who is my ONLY ally in this game.... I did the duel and lost so now we have to go straight back to tribal after a fucked up messy vote........ do i want to be alive???????

NGRJKDLANVJKADFLNJVKAVFDNAJNVADNVJ;ANEFUBNVAUDBNFJBNAVJKBNDAVJADSNBJVADSVNJKLADVNS I CAN'T BELIEVE I WON LMFAO SHOUTOUT TO MY ROOMMATE FOR HEARING ME BE THE RUDEST I'VE EVER BEEN TO HIM! I'M SORRY RYAN! SHOUTOUT TO Ruthie/Kendall/Alex/Drew (whichever one I decided upon) for saving your life in this game an extra round. I was about to vote you out, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Tbh I was kinda looking forward to losing this round and dedicating tonight to plotting someone's life being destroyed, but I guess winning is okay too. Now my tribe likely won't vote me out because I saved their asses because everyone was fucking PRAISING Ashton for winning last time, so now I guess I'm in the same boat, but he did his for 5 hours and I did mine for 12 minutes, but oh well. Sorry Richie, I hope you don't go home because you gave it your all! I also totally probably wouldn't have won that duel if it wasn't Survivor Trivia considering it's one of the only things in life I'm actually good at. Time to get high now :)

Why haven't they exiled Jaiden, who says that the reason the word "SOMEONE" was capitalized was because it had to be a fat person. Jaiden ur dumb bye

So after Brian was rescued and Pat sent home, I knew I might have put myself out there a little far.....so knowing that we're going to tribal again, I want to pull back the reigns and slide back into the shadows.

The three names that are coming up most often are Jonathan, Ashley, and Kage. Jonathan's name seemed the most rampant in the earlier part of the round until he came online to form a power alliance between himself, Sarah, Brian, Tommy, Junior, Jaiden, and myself. This changed the minds of the people in the alliance to targeting Ashley instead (given that she was semi-inact and on the outer)

Side-Note: Brian, Sarah, and I have an alliance so it works perfectly for us to camouflage.

And Kage, oh silly Kage, thinking that Ashley was somehow the right person to go after for his game....basically campaigned against her too despite her campaigning against Jonathan, thus helping both of them. Classic Kage.

Anyways. I was going to tell Alex about it considering I still had allegiance to him (as Junior did to Linus and Richie), but then I come to find out that he was co-leading an alliance with Kage that included the two of them, Tommy, Linus, and Ashley. Tommy claimed it had been made the first round and had halfway dissolved but thought I should know since we are so "close" and since they flipped on him in the first vote...

Now, although I'm not sure I believe it entirely yet, I didn't tell Alex about the vote going against Ashley because A) I kinda thought he knew B) In the case that Tommy is telling the truth, I don't want to be the idiot that caused a correct idol play to occur and have Jonathan go home. I can mend my bridge with Alex despite what the truth is, but I can't mend the bridge with my alliance if I were the reason one of them went home.

So although Ashley seemed like a gem, she had to go....now let's hope I can stay in the safe-zone and stay alive at our next tribal...

Kage is such a sweet guy and I know he means no harm but girl... you're going home.  It was inevitable that his target was going to be front and center and it seems like this round is his unless he pulls out an idol.  I do think that he would vote another direction, say Richie or Jonathan, but I'm not 100% sure.  He thinks it would be iconic if we went from enemies to allies, as do I, but I'm not sure if that's in my best interest.

I told Richie a lot of stuff this round so far because I want him to trust me.  We didn't have any layer of trust built up yet, so I needed to do that quick, and I think I have successfully done that.

Also, Jonathan tried to pull a big move and mentioned maybe actually targeting Richie like Kage suggested to him, but I shut that shit down real quick.  I don't think it's a good move to save someone who we could work with in the future and is trustworthy as of yet compared to someone who is a complete mess and has thrown so many names out there to be targeted. So all-in-all, I'm not playing a huge game, but I do want to toot my own horn and say that I think I'm playing this game much better now. ^~^

so yeah voted in minority and lost duel but today brian tells me that people have been saying my name for this vote so i turned up my social game and have been talking to people all day and then now tommy just confronted me saying that ashley told tommy that i told ashley that tommy was voting for ashley last night... which is complete bullshit because i didnt tell ashley shit and i was the only person to not vote her out so why the fuck would i be throwing shit around and why would she be throwing me under the bus when i was the only person on her side??? but then tommy told me that ashley told him that alex told ashley that i told alex that tommy was voting ashley... which i DID tell alex that tommy was voting ashley so thats possibly true but of course i told tommy i didnt say shit lmao and then tommy was trying to be like "so alex is the one trying to stir shit?" and i know i need to save myself but i cant throw alex under the bus to save myself because hes the only person in this game that i trust even though his stupid ass dumb fucking mouth got me in trouble in the first place but if he leaves then i'm alone and fucked anyway and i just hate everyone.....

i've been on a bit of a campaign trail trying to talk about the fact that its heroes vs villains and the hosts are going to play up the theme and keep the tribes this way for a while without a swap so keep me around because im an asset in challenges i made the flag i particiapted in the scavenger hunt and i stepped up for the duel( even though i floppped) and that im alone in the game so use me as a number im out of the loop strategically so just keep me around.... idk whats going to happen

i hope and feel like im good with brian alex junior and jaiden + myself thats 5 people and majority is 6 so if i can figure out a way to defuse and deescalate the situation and maybe just make people like me enough they dont want to vote me out i'll be able to stick around but i dont have high hopes because this tribe is a fucking mess where one name gets thrown out then everyone jumps on it and waffles back and forth for hours on what to do until its the last second and they just decide to go with the most prominent name so they keep themselves safe this is the most usless group of people ive ever seen but wish me luck!

Okay, so because Queen Jonathan wants to vote out Alex, we're apparently voting Alex out?  I don't really like this.  I really don't.  I don't have a strong relationship with Alex, but I also just don't see the necessity to make this tribe look messier and messier.  It outs a big alliance, shows Kage and Richie they're on the bottom... like... why?  And it also outs Linus as a solo man.  I really just am scared.  This move seems like too much too soon.  I don't like it.

What I told Jaiden: >>Okay my issue with this big move against Alex is not anything to do with like Alex.  I don't have a good relationship with him at all bc we don't really click, so I don't care if we send him out the door, but we're not only putting Richie, Kage, and Linus on the outs if this move works, it's outing a now obvious group.  If we just vote Kage, it's a united front.  Kage isn't going to help us and although Alex and Richie might flip in the future anyway, we're villains for a reason.  And Jonathan pushing his agenda is not making me feel any better.  I don't want to look back and be like, "Why did we let jonathan do whatever the fuck he wanted?"

Trying to figure out the game like

Also god bless Johnny and his Survivor knowledge

havent done of these in a while. so anyways, here's where i'm at. i've got a seven person alliance, i hate kage and alex, linus is suspect af, and i could probably get screwed tonight because i'm being really strategical.

tonight is the night i do NOT want to go home at, so i'm making a master plan to avoid that happening. i cracked a plan to rid this game of alex s forever, but i am almost certain that alex KNOWS about this plan and is coming for me hardcore. i blame crow or junior, maybe sarah. who knows, truly.

anyways... i told brian to vote for kage with me and hopefully richie. i'll talk to richie and be like hi pls make sure you vote for K A G E. this way, if alex has an idol, the votes at best go 3-2-1 (kage/me probs/richie) and at worst tie 3-3 (kage/me probs) and everyone else draws rocks... lmao

idk why i'm making this all about me, but the universe doesn't revolve around jaiden hantz for nothing. if i go home this fucking early after playing this fucking good... yikes.

HOWEVER: here is where the big risk comes in.

brian and i both have voted for kage. this could take the vote to 5-5-1 depending on where kage votes... which means rocks. LOL. i'm a messy bitch, this is why i'm on the villains tribe. i don't really care if we go to rocks tbh as long as its not me, brian, or tommy... because like i dont necessarily like anyone on this tribe all that much. even if it is me, that's a fucking ICONIC way to go and it's all my fault LOOOOOL. premerge king, tru!

IF this somehow happens to be the last confessional i ever write, at least i looked good writing it. i'm in such a cute position -- got people wrapped around my finger to the point where they went against their hatred of kage to do my bidding and get rid of alex. i am extremely close to people i came into this game HATING (junior and sarah for example), people i didn't even know (jonathan and brian), and people I needed to work with again (tommy and crow). not only that, but kage probably likes me. linus complimented me for being in a good position. alex... can choke idc what his opinion of me is, no offense alex!! (ur a nice guy and a good player, but GOD u intimidate the shit out of me and you have every reason to hate me). richie is aight, just quiet idk.

also, if i go home, this season was the ultimate testament to the player that i am. i take risks, big fucking risks. i have balls, and even though it's premerge, i'm not afraid to flex those muscles and pull some shit out of my ass to make things #happen. it's been fun yall! no bitterness from me here. unless i actually get voted out by the majority of the tribe, i'll rly scream then lmfao

15 minutes until tribal and im going to vomit... i feel a lot more safe now than i did earlier today but its been rough im SUCH a control freak like i want to always be in charge and know whats going on and be the one calling the shots and i know im not in that position so ive taken the back seat and turned up my social game and let everyone else do the work to save me so i wasnt putting myself in the front of the plans where it could come back on me and if it doesnt work out then im never going to forgive myself for not doing more to save myself but if i'm still here then im going to make sure that things change i'm ready to slit some metaphorical throats

*chicken voice* DAMN. I played myself! I'm like, not surprised that I went out premerge...for the fourth time... but to go out by rocks? iconic. inspiring.

other than the obvious sadness that comes with going home, i can't say that i'm really all that upset. i clearly came here to win and i was playing the type of game that could easily get me to that point, but i don't take back any of the moves i made this season... not even that one vote flip that happened. i really thought that alex had an idol! he was being really cocky last minute so i KNEW something was up... it's just disappointing to know that i couldn't have gone all the way with this this season.

my tumblr survivor story is such a mixed bag. i've had many, many failures. today is included. i didn't even make it to single digits this game, one of the most simple goals i set out for me to achieve on this attempt. while we can look at my records, my terrible placements, and all of that garbage, there is absolutely nothing that compares to the gameplay that went into this season to make things happen for me.

for once, i can say that i was not voted out early. not one person put my name down on parchment tonight, not yesterday, and not last week. i have nothing bad to say about a single person i competed against on my tribe this season (except kage sometimes), and maybe they have nothing negative to say about me, either.

i played probably the best game i've ever played in tumblr survivor. i took control, but i still listened to everyone's concerns. i calmed my anxiety from causing me to lose control of the situation. not once did i personally attack a person this season (sad to admit that this is a record for me). but most of all... i'm walking out of here, eleven days later, a changed person. now i know that i have the ability to play well, the doors are wide open for me.

i leave japan with a considerable amount of lessons learned in such a short amount of time. i leave with the strongest friendships i've ever had, new and old. but most of all? i leave overwhelming proud of the change i set forth within myself. i came here a villain and i'd like to say i'm leaving a hero. nothing can take away from the experiences i've had in this milestone game... i am so happy i did this.