#im not a huge fan of how i gloss over and ignore their past

[nikkyshows]

Heart Trade

DISCLAIMER: reposted here to the new blog

So a while back I used an old caffeine challenge as a prompt and this is what came of it. I believe it was like #23 or something. First line and image prompts used (coffee shop).

I’m also like 93% sure that this only took like 45 minutes tops to write, with a bit of editing cause I had time. It was a productive session and fits in the hour mark that caffeine challenges are, even though this is an old one. It’s exactly 2k words which makes me happy.

Also, there’s no dialogue (which I didn’t consciously do), but I think it works??? Gives it a sorta distant, cold feeling that gels well with the tone of the story. Dashed lines equals a jump between the two time periods. Warnings for mentions of cheating and mention of past death. Enjoy!!

*****

His heart is still beating when you decide you’ve spent enough time with his blood on your hands. His love for you seeps through the soft edges, leaking onto polished tile.

You, unfortunately, weren’t new to heart magic, to the sacred ritual of trusting another with everything. That time, you’d been burned.

Now, new heart in hand, you decide that you won’t be the one left broken this time.

——————

It all begins (ends) on a normal Tuesday. All the terrible, tragic things do. It had been a normal Wednesday night when your life first crashed around you, but that’s not a concern. Not now. Now, it’s a Tuesday evening and you’re waiting for him to come home. He’s late.

It’s 6:34 when you notice the blotch on his heart. Years ago, on another heart, in another life, you hadn’t known what that meant. You had ignored it, had continued to love your counterpart.

Now, you know better.

You won’t make that mistake twice.

He comes home six minutes after the clock ticks 9. He’s three hours late and a part of you is surprised – you hadn’t been expecting him at all. He smiles sheepishly at you, still sitting at the dinner table with the plates still out. Your eyes search instinctively for lies, scanning the lines next to his eyes and the dimple in his smile.

If you didn’t hold his heart, you wouldn’t know that anything was different.

But you do and you don’t want to inspire suspicion, so you stand from the hard-backed chair you’ve been worrying in and fret over him. You push his jacket over his shoulders, onto the floor and you kiss him, pretending not to notice the peach-colored smudge on the curve of his throat.

Part of you expects this kiss to be different, for you to be able to taste infidelity on his tongue or sense guilt in the purse of his lips, but there’s none. He’s kissing you and it feels like any other kiss he’s given you before.

That stings a little, heart clenching in his suit pocket on the floor. Perhaps that was another sign, that he keeps your heart in a place where it is easily forgotten and left. But that’s how it goes. You don’t notice the red flags and warnings until it’s too late. It’s idiotic how that works.

The two of you head to the bedroom, both of your hearts laying carelessly on the lower floor. You have to lie when he sees the single tear slip down your cheek and your heart, discarded, bristles as you realize that you’re even in the lies you’ve told. 

For now. 

The kind of lies he’s telling always outnumber any other.

——————

Finger tracing the rim of your ceramic mug, you curse him for being late. There’s a difference between him giving you time to prepare and time to change your mind. You won’t, but your conviction wavers.

Then he walks in, smooth-gaited and as confident as the day you met him. Now, you think there’s a reason for that. He sits in the chair opposite yours and smiles as he takes a sip of coffee that he obviously doesn’t taste – it’s black and he takes his with sugar and a dash of hazelnut creamer. It’s another pointless test, but a part of you still hopes he’ll notice the rings you’ve been making him jump through.

He doesn’t and you promptly tell that part of you to shut up. (You don’t want this to end like last time, do you?)

He’s bubbly and animated but sobers when he sees your posture. Straight backed, lips pressed firm, eyes serious. You’re not usually this tense.

With his eyes on you, you consider letting the façade linger a little longer, wait a few more weeks before you drop the bomb. But you see a falling leaf out the window and remember November. 

No, it’s best to do it now.

——————

The next morning you are praying that he won’t notice the change in your heart, the drop in temperature, but you are also hoping that he will. If he notices, he cares, but your phone sits silent in your pocket and his heart, still sitting on the table, blackens a little more.

Today, he’s home on time and you deflate a little. He’s not lost, he’s planning ahead. He’s in this for the long haul.

So are you.

That night, after he’s passed out in your bed, you take his heart and can feel his love pouring out. You lock it in a drawer in the kitchen and swear you won’t unlock it until the end, until your hearts break and your side of the closet is empty.

You never were good at keeping promises you made to yourself.

——————

The two of you chat for a while about nothing - the weather, his raise, your hobbies. You think maybe he knows.

But the way his eyes widen as you place his heart on the table, you know he doesn’t. He hadn’t even realized that you’d left it sitting in a locked drawer for five months before that morning, like he didn’t realize you knew yours was in a drawer in his office and that the heart in his pocket wasn’t yours.

He never held your heart in his breast pocket. It’s stupid that he thinks you wouldn’t notice. You did. Maybe it’s because of experience, from the bubbly, waxen burns present on the heart you gave him, but you knew.

You know this just like you know last time was a mistake, this — this is too big to be an accident. This is a web of lies, both yours and his. Talking about nothing, your eyes linger on his soft hair and you wish it didn’t have to be this way, that love didn’t have to end in tragedy and shattered trust.

But you’ve heard the quotes. A person burned is the next to start a fire. The next to search for a fire to start.

Five months of lying and one year of love in, you hate that the fire you chose had to be him. But you’re bitter and you think having someone else burn will lessen the sting on you.

(It won’t.)

——————

You’ve been burned before, have felt the backlash of a Heart Trade gone wrong and you used to think that made you clever, but two weeks after the lying began, you’re still dancing with him, pretending nothing is wrong. The fire only made you dumb.

Last time, you didn’t know. You were oblivious and you were pardoned, but that only works once. This time, you know. You know, but you want what you didn’t get at first, you want the happily ever after you’re supposed to have. What if you can change it? What if you can undo what he did and bring him back?

It’s not unheard of for one to heal another’s heart, but it is very, very rare and very, very taxing on the soul.

Two days later you decide he’s not worth it. You want him to suffer. It’s wrong of you, hateful and bitter and cruel, but the last time you’d been forgiving, you paid a toll much worse.

A monster isn’t the worst thing you could be.

You’ve been called worse things.

——————

He’s stunned, when he sees the splotches his lies and cheating have left. His shock appears genuine. He’s naïve, like most. No one knows the marks left on a heart caused by love lost until they’ve lived through it. His naitivity isn’t the flaw here, your knowing is.

You spill the truth and watch the weight of it sink into his bones.

(Lies are heavy, but the truth can be worse.)

The weight ages him, lines deepening as he begins to get the gist of where this meeting is going. He’s wrong. You haven’t told him everything. He knows you know he’s been lying, but he doesn’t know that you know who it’s been with, that you can only find one person who wears the shade of lipstick you’d found smudged on his neck that first day.

He doesn’t know about November and he doesn’t know that you’re still burning, still alight with the betrayal and loss and grief.

You won’t tell him. November is a secret that dies in your grave. You lied then, too. You also bought the plot of graveyard you will be buried in, beside the old heart you’d left. You’re too emotional, too attached to what you’ve lost, too poetic in how you’ll die, but there’s a kind of romance in it. A Shakespearean tragedy known only to one.

You spill a little more, that you know the nature of his lies. You explain the way of the Heart Trade. He doesn’t notice the long pause between tellings. He confesses his lack of knowledge, that he thought you’d never know. You stonily inform him that you would have, even without his heart in your hand. You’ve been through this before, remember. The heart is simply a screaming, neon sign that you can’t ignore.

Smiling, you crack a joke or two (maybe three) about the flaws of a Heart Trade. You don’t tell him everything, keep some secrets to yourself. You don’t tell him that you were doomed from the start, that one can’t really commit to a Heart Trade if they’ve gone through one already. You can’t give your heart away twice. A part of yours — the old heart, unblemished and unburned, lays in a cherry coffin.

It’s not for the best, but you know it’s a lesson best learned from experience. He wouldn’t believe you anyway. He’d probably spout some nonsense about never loving you and that’s simply not true. The Trade wouldn’t have gone through if it was. You loved him too, at the start.

Wearily, unknowingly, he laughs along. You tell him you’re ending it here. You push his heart across the table and he sees the watercolor staining your fingers. That’s what happens when you break a deal, you explain. The other is left marked, tattooed in his failure to love only one.

Another unfair deal. You had done nothing, yet you’re the one that can never escape. Reddish-purple blotches and separate locked drawers will always haunt you and that’s okay. They can get in line. You have other demons, far bigger and scarier than neglected hearts, lies, and the shadow of a coffin engraved in your head.

You stand a little less smoothly than you’d like and make your way out. You leave the coffee you didn’t really touch and walk into the chilly autumn air.

The shocked stupor you’d left him in with the unspoken promise of never seeing him again is another demon you’ll never outrun. Your things are already packed and gone from the house you shared. Packing had hurt and so had your meeting, but not all endings are bittersweet. Some are just bitter.

The chill makes you tug your sleeves down a little, covering some of the red splotch that runs down your wrists. You’d lied to him, sort of. The mark is as much on you as it is him. It appeared when you let him stray, when you let it bleed on your hands because damn you if you didn’t still love him.

But as you walk away from the crowded coffee shop where you broke your lover’s heart and left him reeling, you swear that you’ll never give your heart away again. You’ve lost twice. You won’t risk a third. (But things always come in threes, so maybe you will.)

This time, you swear you’ll keep your word. But a locked drawer is easy to unlock and holding his heart had made you feel better, like you weren’t about to lose him, like you hadn’t already lost him.

He’s lucky, at least. You’d given him back his heart.

You never had that luxury.

*****

@caffeinewitchcraft hope it’s okay that I did this and tagged you. Sorry if not, but I think this is a decent piece? I mean, I’m not too fond of parts of it, but as a whole, I think it’s pretty cool. Hope you liked it!!!

I think this is a pretty cool world. Maybe I’ll revisit it again one day, but its not a priority. The Soul Keeper world and Hero worlds have priority.

[goldfieldgold]

Got tagged by @moonxshots
Let’s get started 😊 1. When was the last time you swam in a pool?
- dunno long time ago 
2. Do you like to party?
- depends, but kinda yes
3. If your ex suddenly kissed you right now, what would you do?
- there's no ex so yeah 
4. Are you a virgin?
- yes
5. What are your parents views on sex?
- i dont talk to them about sex. they say its my thing 
6. If you ran into your current boyfriend/crush in 10 years would you marry them?
- I already wanna be married in 10years so..
7. Is your best friend dating anyone?
- yes
8. Describe the shirt you’re wearing.
- plain grey 
9. Do people who wear Hollister and Abrerbrombie every day bother you?
- why should they? You can wear what you want 
10. Could you go out in public without wearing make-up?
- absolutely 
11. What is one feature that you don’t like?
- idk
12. Would people describe you as happy?
- I think most of them would do 
13. Are you single?
- yes :( 
14. Does it bother you that pretty much every survey you take asks if you’re single?
- no why? 
15. Do you have Tumblr?
- noooooooooooooo
16. What about Xanga?
- what?
17. Have you ever babysat before?
- no
18. Is there a teacher who you absolutely hate?
- kinda
19. Ever shopped at Sephora?
- unfortunately not :( 
20. If your current boyfriend/crush suddenly moved away what would you do?
- nothing because there is no one 
21. Do you have any university plans?
- yes 
22. If your best friend revealed she was a homosexual, what would you do?
- nothing, should be nothing that you have to reveal. It’s normal. 
23. What are your views on sex?
- normal 
24. Do sexual questions bother you?
- not really 
25. Would you rather have sex with your boyfriend or break up?
- again what boyfriend? 
26. Have you ever dreamed about your wedding?
- all the time I love it 
27. Does it bother you when people TYpe 1yk dis’? Nd stuff?
- no but sometimes I have a hard time figuring out what it means 
28. Do you delete pictures of you and your exes off of Facebook?
- what exes?
29. Would you ever date a friends Ex?
- it depends but I don't think so 
30. What’s the last book you read?
- 4 Days in November 
31. Ready for 10 simple questions?
- shoot 
32. What is your last name?
- starts with the 18th letter 
33. What grade are you in?
- 12th (senior year whooops) 
34. What school do you go to?
- private one 
35. Summer, Fall, Winter or Spring?
- fall and winter
36. Favorite Color?
- red, pink 
37. Are your parents together?
- married since over 30 years 
38. Any siblings?
- brother 
39. Favorite subject?
- history 
40. Least favorite subject?
- math
41. Favorite song?
- too many 
42. Okay. Simple questions are over. Happy?
- nooo get them back
43. How many friends do you have on Facebook?
- 140-ish I think 44. Ever been requested by some old guy from another country?
- yeah
45. Have you ever googled yourself?
- all the time 😂
46. Have a Formspring?
- sorry? 47. You’re offered free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. What do you do?
- give one to a friend who really likes jb and go with them (even though I'm not really into him but it's for free you know) 
48. Would you rather spend the day at an amusement park or a water park?
- amusement 
49. Been to Disney world?
- no 
50. If someone posts their status “9 Inches :(” do you know what they mean?
- everyone does I guess 
51. Ever had a boyfriend?
- nope
52. Ever had a huge crush on someone who still doesn’t know?
- not a huge one but a tiny one indeed 
53. Have you done something in the last week that you regret?
- i regret everything? Turning right not left, making my bed, wearing that shirt, eating that stuff etc
54. Ever drank alcohol?
- Of course 
55. Know anyone who’s currently doing drugs?
- Just a unconfirmed confirmed suspicion 
56. Ever watched The Hills?
- no
57. What about Jersey Shore?
- yea but disliked it
58. Ever called someone a slut?
- no
59. What do you think of short shorts?
- everyone can wear what they feel good in if it goes a long with a certain dress code at certain occasions 
60. Does it bother you if people swear around you?
- No 
61. Have you ever gotten an A in a subject?
- yes
62. What about a B?
- yes
63. And a C?
- yes
64. How about a D?
- yes
65. Ever plagiarised?
- nope
66. Would you consider yourself popular and outcast or somewhere in the middle?
- i think I'm rather an outcast or directly invisible 
67. Are most of your friends older or younger than you?
- both 
68. Ever been stabbed In the back by a close friend?
- way too often 
69. Do you think it’s immature when people laugh at the number 69?
- yeah! 70. Ever watched Porn?
- yes 
71. How many laws do you think you’ve broken in the past month?
- hopefully none 
72. Do you wake up with an alarm clock?
- oh yeah
73. Do you prefer Wednesdays or Thursdays?
- neither 
74. If your school had a Glee Club would you join?
- no because I can't sing 
75. Ever performed in a talent show?
- no
76. Have you ever cried in public?
- yeah
77. Do you have a favorite between your Mom and your Dad?
- Mhm no 
78. Would you audition for a reality talent competition?
- never
79. How many celebrity crushes have you had?
- several 80. How many non-celebrity crushes have you had?
- a few I guess
81. Name 5 male celebrities who you think are attractive.
- young tom cruise, young Leonardo di caprio, Jensen Ackles, Andrew Garfield, Matt Damon 
82. Name 5 female celebrities who you think are attractive - Emma Watson, eh.. 
83. Ever been compared to a celebrity?
- no
84. Have any embarrassing pictures on Facebook?
- on my old account yes 
85. Do you think spending 20$ on Lip Gloss is a waste of money?
- not always 
86. Ever used Opinionated?
- ??
87. Do you have a favorite store?
- no
88. Would you ever wear Flare Jeans?
- what? 89. Do you own jeans that aren’t skinny?
- no
90. Have you ever worn the same outfit twice in one week?
- yes
91. What’s the longest period of time you’ve been away from school?
- 2 weeks 
92. Do you google abbreviations you don’t understand?
- not always 
93. Does it bother you when people have cats as their profile picture?
- no
94. Own a pair of converse?
- 2 
95. Is there a teacher at your school who has obvious favorites?
- yeah
96. If yes, are you one of them?
- never
97. Do you text in class?
- no my school is very strict 
98. What brand of jeans do you wear the most?
- H&M 
99. At what point do you think sizes are “Plus Sized?” Most magazines say 10. Do you agree?
- no! 
100. Do you want to lose weight?
- yes but triggering topic 
101. Ever seen a therapist?
- yes
102. Ever watched porn?
- yes
103. Ever purposely ignored a text?
- yes
104. A facebook message?
- yes
105. A poke?
- yes
106. A friend request?
- yes
107. Would you say you read into things too much?
- im trying not to but yes I do 
108. Is your best friend more likely to be the one suggesting something stupid or refusing to do something stupid?
- dunno 
109. Do you have a “fun friend?” (A friend who you have tons of fun with but you never really have deep conversations?)
- yes 
110. Ever been called a bully?
- no
111. Ever purposely hurt yourself?
- yeah
112. Ever gone to church?
- yes 
113. Would you call either or your parents screw ups?
- yes
114. If you turned out exactly like your Dad would you be pleased?
- no
115. What about your Mom?
- not really either but better than my dad
116. Let me guess… You have brown hair?
- brown blonde red - ish 
117. Already know what you’re being for Halloween?
- Not a big fan of Halloween 
118. Do you still go Trick or Treating?
- nah
119. Ever liked someone WAY older than you?
- celebrity crushes 
120. Does it bother you when people have really loud conversations on the bus?
- oh yeah! 
121. When you have sunglasses on, do you stare at people?
- yes 😂
122. Ever had a credit card denied?
- no
123. What’s the last movie you watched?
- cheetah girls 😂😂😂😂😂😂 
124. Last TV Show?
- suits 
125. You see your Ex making out with one of your friends. What do you do?
- there is still no one 
126. Ever been called a whore?
- no
127. Ever sang the national anthem?
- yes I love it 
128. Ever made yourself throw up?
- tried to 
129. Have you ever kissed someone who wasn’t your boyfriend.
- didn't kiss anyone so far in my life 
130. Are you Cute or Gross?
- some say so some say so 131. Does it bother you when people say “LOOK HOW MUCH YOU’VE GROWN!”
- Mhm not anymore 
132. Can you say intelligent things around the guy you like?
- there is no one but I'm really shy and clumsy 
133. Ever had the lead in a play?
- no
134. What about a solo in a concert?
- no 
135. What kind of a student are you?
- that invisible one with average grades who talks too fast 
136. Worst grade you’ve ever gotten with a Letter?
- /
137. Worst grade you’ve ever gotten with a number?
- 5 
138. Ever had a crush on a teacher?
- kinda but he wasn't a teacher yet 
139. Would it bother you if you found out that your mother was pregnant?
- she’s in her mid-fifties so yes
140. How late do you sleep in?
- depends
141. Do you edit your profile pictures before posting them?
- sometimes with snapseed 
142. Be 100% honest. Do you have any friends who are uglier than you?
- no one is ugly
143. Do you believe in all that inner beauty crap?
- kinda yes
144. Would you consider yourself a good student?
- average 
145. Does it bother you when Surveys ask “Did you like this survey?”
- yes
146. Salty, Sweet, Sour or Spicy?
-salty 
147. Are you going into High School this year?
- ending high school this year 
148. What about Junior High?
- //
149. What is one thing someone could say to you right now that would make you cry?
- you're stupid 150. Where did you find this note?
- got tagged 
151. Last question. How many unread messages are in your phone?
- too Many I’m tagging everyone who wants to and reads this