#im not a stranger to intrusive suicidal thoughts

[hawkeyefrommash]

hate when i take the wrong amount of sleep aids and end up in the evil brain zone

[ojirocardigansniper]

ouguhhh just read the summary and article from this post about alexandre baril's work on suicidism (oppression of the suicidal) and the opening paragraph of the conclusion in the full article. thoughts. rotating

i was thinking about the. thick white gloves. while reading. remembered that one post about how csa being horrifically taboo to talk about compounds survivors' trauma and shame and went Maybe something similar re: suicidality and suicide... the suffering multiplied by the silence, the risk of dismissal or instant change in perception in anyone you tell... and even in 'mental health' spaces the perception that suicide as a topic is dangerous to talk about- that it could be triggering instantly and automatically- is like. i think there's some paternalism there and there's some shamefear and there's some oversimplification and there's the fact that it plays well into the existing well-taught impulse to avoid the discomforting. but like. this post also about how getting through suicidality is maybe only possible by considering the option thoroughly. i am just thinking. idk. yall know me yall know i think about this topic a lot

[autistic-fandom-trash]

rating tma entities based on how likely i would be to willingly become an avatar of them

The Buried: 1/10 i hate the idea of being trapped/suffocated and i also hate capitalism. 1 point for excellent taste in ambient music tho

The Corruption: 3/10 it would be absolute hell for my sensory issues and i want it far away from me at all times. 3 points for emotional appeal... like damn maybe i do want to be entirely consumed by what needs my protection and therefore will always have it

The Dark: 6/10 its kinda basic but being able to hide in the shadows and representing the fear of the unknown is an absolute vibe

The Desolation: 10/10 chaotic lesbians lets go!! also i am forever indebted to agnes montigue bc she killed the web avatar who brought up my school trauma

The End: 4/10 im pretty existential sometimes but like not in a depressing way. ive been suicidal in the past (not anymore dw) and i feel like im pretty comfortable w/ the idea of death all things considered. there is also a person from my past i have dreamed about killing but we dont have time to unpack all of that

The Eye: 5/10 i love learning new things and im not scared of being judged. however i dont rly like the idea of anyone knowing abt my intrusive thoughts bc its just uncomfortable

The Flesh: 3/10 its all pretty yikes but ig shapeshifting could be fun

The Hunt: 4/10 tbh im kinda torn on this one. on one hand, it has to do with law enforcement (ew). on the other hand, the wilderness creature aspect is an absolute vibe. maybe id consider it if it let me be a feral catgirl instead of a werewolf

The Lonely: 3/10 its depressing as shitfuck and also a lying bitch. 3 points for the share amount of writing i would get done. just nonstop fic updates

The Slaughter: 7/10 to quote the jurgen leitner rant im just mad bc i am angy

The Spiral: 3/10 i hate it when ppl dont take me seriously abt my mental health issues but itd be kinda fun to mess w/ ppl ig

The Stranger: 8/10 again!! the unknown!! and being unapologetically weird!! an absolute vibe!!

The Vast: 9/10 its just... beautiful. everywhere you look. the bright blue of the sky silver clouds gray storms flashing lightning starry nights infinite shining galaxies the wind in your hair the thrill of a roller-coaster. humans may be small and unimportant in the universe but the universe is lovely and we get to experience it. there is so much to love we will never run out do you get it

The Web: 0/10 it can eat shit and die!! i can handle spiders but keep mind control the FUCK away from me

The Extinction: 3/10 i like computers and i dont rly fear change but the climate crisis is... oof

[synchlora]

how do I explain to my therapist tomorrow that the reason I didn't sleep was because I stayed up all night writing a fic abt an enderman hybrid boy having a panic attack and suicidal thoughts until a person he doesn't know if he can trust puts everything aside to help him and basically become his parent despite not hardly knowing him and he can't fucking deal w that so he cries but also crying hurts bc this is fucking BULLSHITTTT AND HES AN ENDERMAN

[sparkvamp]

guys i appreciate that you want to leave nice comments, and im glad that you like my comics, but im begging you guys please dont dump your trauma on me. me making comics about intrusive thoughts and self harm or suicide is not an invitation for you guys to tell me about your own trauma. i am sorry about everything youve been through, but i am a stranger on the internet with my own life, and you are kind of oversharing. if you want to explain to me that you related to my comics, you can say just that. you can say “i really related to this,” or you could even say “haha im starting to kin 😳” but i do not need to know your specifics. i dont just say this because it makes me and other artists uncomfortable, but also because you are also putting yourself at risk to people who could take advantage of the information you are sharing. so like. please dont traumadump in my inbox or any other artists inbox. please watch what you say on the internet

[swimmingafterdark]

a fools guide for not wanting to die anymore

* (i dont want to die anymore, here is how i did it) *

1. never make a suicide joke again. im not fucking kidding around. you need to make an effort to change how you think about things. its okay to mess up or slip up, but everytime consciously think to yourself or even say outloud “that is not funny and i shouldnt be joking about something so serious”

2. you know what, fuck it no more self deprecating jokes. no more “i suck” or “im not worth it” or whatever we arent doing that anymore. even if you are joking, your brain and soul do not know the difference. your brain and soul still believe it, and it keeps up the cycle. it doesnt mean you cant make fun of yourself, just work to do so more positively. (example: when i draw a picture i dont one hundred percent like, instead of saying “my art is trash” i replace that with “you know i think its time we replace the mona lisa” you make a joke but you still build yourself up.)

3. manifest success,

4. come up with goals even if they are silly or trivial

5. if you see something you like, say it out loud i dont care what the circumstances are. you walk down the street with your friends and someone walking in the other direction has cute pants you say it out loud, to your friends or the stranger i dont care. it doesnt matter how spastic you look it will help. compliment everything you see, at least 4 per day.

6. care more

7. get close to people. the more people you care about the better

8. hug more

9. kiss more

10. when you have intrusive thoughts, picture an edgy angsty 13 year old and tell them to go somewhere else

11. cut out negativity. take negative energy out of your life. you dont need it anymore. (evolving, involves eliminating)

12. lean on the people who care about you. (dont feel guilty about it, they love you, its okay)

13. try something new, as much as you need to remove energy you need to gain good energy. i recommend creating things or exercise whether its writing or doodling, or taking your dog for a walk.

14. drink tea and wake up early.

15. (the earlier you go to bed the better,) nothing good happens after 2 am.

16. interrupt your anxious thoughts with “what if everything works out” & “what if i end up okay”

17. find something you kinda want to do. whether its a city to travel to, or a small local band playing a show in your city, get your ass out of the house and experience something

18. get your ass out of the house. thats its own statement

19. the clock doesnt stop, if you give yourself time, things will change. this much is inevitable. if you want positive change you have to work for it.

20. the way things are talked about isnt usually the whole story. people love to talk about caterpillars becoming butterflies as if its just that easy, but in reality, in those weird little cocoons, a caterpillar completely dissovles itself into acidy goo. if you are a mess right now, if you feel alone in your bedroom in the dark late at night, acknowledge your goo, keep going.

21. meditate.

22. start small and build up.

23. work on your imagination, practice.

24. go outside when it rains (i cant explain this one, just do it)

25. if you want confidence and dont know how to get it, a really good way is to start with other people. walk into class and tell someone how pretty their hair is or take the time to notice how well the barista made your coffee. when you start seeing everyone as beautiful, at some point youll realize that you are everyone too.

26. listen to your parents favorite music, and if you dont like your parents try a friends.

27. crying is cleansing, dont be afraid to let loose

28. cleaning is cleansing, clean your room, dust your windows and fans, vacuum the carpet.

29. always look for pretty things.

30. if you feel guilty venting or ranting about things, ask your audience if they are in the space for it. if they say yes, great you’re good to go, if not you understand it isnt the best time. by asking this, your buddies will see that you are willing to respect boundaries as well as understanding their emotional needs.

31. stop making excuses

32. cry for help without guilt tripping or humor coating. its as simple as that.

33. practice moral honesty. tell people the truth, try not to hurt them.

34. you cant heal in the same environment that made you sick, get out get space.

35. if you cant say something out loud, understand that its okay, write it down.

36. stop knocking on doors from the past.

37. find one thing that brings you joy

38. chase joy forever.

39. dont waste one second.

40. tell people you love them/appreciate their presence in your life.

41. tell more jokes, even corny puns.

42. laugh at everything, even if its forced.

43. find something you can have faith in, and fall in love with it. (G-d, the Universe, Music, Science)

44. you cant take a bath, drink lemon water, and do a facemask to cure your depression, but that doesnt mean you shouldnt do those things.

45. eat your fruits and veggies

46. hang out with your mom (if you dont have one or like yours, make friends with a cool adult as a parental figure & hang out with them. it might sound weird but it was one of the best things i ever did. i love you kel)

47. put twice as much fabric softener in your laundry as you need (&dont forget a dryer sheet for the ol razzle dazzle)

48. change your bed sheets every week

49. drink more water

50. stop apologizing

51. rebuild in private

52. if you dont know who you are, honor this moment, you get to create yourself from scratch, take the time to create someone you would love

53. read more books

54. strip down, and look at yourself in the mirror, picture yourself covered in scars, picture your skeleton, and picture yourself decomposing in the ground

55. learn to be okay with being alone, but dont get too comfy

56. work harder to be mature

57. it only matters how you see you, not how they see you.

58. i know this is a lot, step by step you can do this

[bugli-bugli]

TW: insults towards depression and anxiety, toxic behavior, father/parent mention, trauma discussion, self-harm mention, suicide idealization

just a rant because im just too fucking tired of the bullshit of other sites.

i’ve really taken for granted how non-toxic tumblr is in the nice little corner i’ve tucked myself into. since i’m pretty desperate for money, cause now i think ill just have to live off disability if i can even get it.

I gotta say my mutuals and the people who reblogged my donation post, im so fucking grateful for you and i cant thank you enough. but besides the point, rant.

posted my donation post on twitter and later reddit, like the naive fool i am. the first comment i got on the twitter one was very homophobic and the guy was just an overall creep upon a quick look on his tumblr. i responded to him but immediately deleted it cause i knew thats all he wanted was to make me angry. think i was able to get him banned but fuck if i know.

this is more about the lovely reddit post i got

sigh im not going to bother replying and i just reported them, but i wanted to get out of me all the shit i wanted to say. just, first of all i know trolls and shit just do this to get attention, but this on the fucking r/donate subreddit like??? why isn’t it moderated better?? besides the point

i dont care if you believe my donation post is a scam, whatever, believe what you want and move on. i understand there is a lot of people out there trying to get money they can easily get themselves, instead they take it from goodhearted people.

you need to grow the fuck up. i redirect back at this person because, you spent your time, what? hating on a post that might be a scam. and they regularly do this to from just a quick look. so immature and annoying. this hurts so fucking much to hear too cause it strikes a perfect nerve of trauma.

anxiety and depressions are perfectly valid reasons to not be able to hold down a job. they sound like my fucking dad. i have panic attacks when people raise their voice or if there is too much going on around me, like tvs and crowds and what not.

ive mostly been sleeping lately and cant even make myself do simple physical tasks. not just because of my depression but because of my chronic joint pain that i still haven’t fucking got working medication for yet.

plus i have 472147921 other disorders that i havent been able to get diagnosed or help yet because of my stupid fucking parents. who finally are getting me help after years upon years of having obvious mental issues. ONLY BECAUSE a big argument that my sister had to speak for me in, because i went nonverbal and was hysterically laughing because my dad denying he called me fat.

but yeah i cant even brush my teeth, or shower, the only hygiene habits i have are because if i didnt do them my brain would make me have a panic attack or some intrusive thoughts of self harm.

how is it fucking entitled to ask strangers to donate, H O W? i dont think i deserve this, i dont think that im better then other people, im posting this because others who are in similar/worse situations posting donation posts gave me the confidence to do so.

yes im so entitled to be begging on my hands and knees for money because capitalism and my body and mind are working against me. im not even saying HEY DONATE AND IF YOU DONT DONATE YOU ARE A FUCKING HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING. or anything even remotely close to that.

i gave the needed information and background as to why we would need money, and why we struggle to get it ourselves. and asked that people at least share, but there is no obligation to go any of these things.

i know i cant live my entire life on freelance transcription but it is LITERALLY THE ONLY JOB I CAN GET. yeah just simply go out and get a real job, because you can totally form sentences around strangers and dont feel like you are going to throw up from anxiety. its not that hard.

i totally have the endurance to do whatever it is necessary in whatever shitty ass 8 hour shift job i could get, because every step i take doesn’t physically hurt. because after walking too much, my knees wont give out ever, that never happens. because i dont have a fear of failure because my dad totally didn’t get mad at me when i took to long to learn something. i have no trauma related to that at all. im a totally capable human being. 

all of these last two paragraphs are sarcasm btw if that wasn’t obvious

i dont even know what couch sufing on craigslist even is. i had to look it up. how is that advice, how. oh yeah just live on other peoples couches, people you dont even know. thats not dangerous at all like HUH?!?! fuck no. if i wanted to get myself killed id do it myself.

also shelters are totally safe, and never have any issues whatsoever. i didnt ask for fucking advice that was going to make our situation worse you p.o.s.

also i know what im fucking doing, im researching and trying to make the most feasible and realistic plan to leave. even if that is i have freelance transcribing jobs and disability and my sister has whatever job and my so probably in the same boat as me. im not just going to move out without the needed things unless i was kicked out. which, as of the moment, none of us are currently at risk of that, yet.

if it really came down to it where Brutus would need to be rehomed, we’d probably do it. but he means so fucking much to us, we dont want to rehome him because we dont have anyone we can fucking trust to take care of him and we arent just going to give him away to whoever. Brutus and my pets and my sisters are all part of our family, and we aren’t just going to fucking give them away.

whatever, the rage is gone, im tired and i want to cry, this wasn’t posted for attention or anything i just wanted to rant. please dont leave negative comments im not in the goddamned mood.

[yourghastlycloseness]

i just want so much to be beautiful

maybe i do have BDD after all. ive suspected it for almost a decade because it describes perfectly how i’ve felt since i was a child, but it also sounds like the lamest psych problem to have ever. it’s why i’m not on social media like the rest of my friends, why i’ve never gone out on proper dates, why i hate the thought of sleeping over at someone else’s house (they’ll see what i look like at my rawest lolll), why i keep a small mirror in my purse and sometimes check it privately in the cubicle of a public restroom as opposed to using the common mirrors at the sink. a friend from secondary school once said i was the least vain girl she knew because i never looked at my reflection in the mirror — the truth was/is: i would check my reflection obsessively in secret, which is why i can take 1.5 hours in the fitting room just trying on 1-3 pieces (deepest apologies to everyone else in line); i didn’t like to look at myself in front of other people because my reflection isn’t worth looking at in the first place, and to let everyone else see you pay attention to something so worthless is a fucking joke

‘i want to kill myself because im ugly’ lmfao summary of my life

but it is what it is, and this is likely what i am/have

https://www.channelnewsasia.com/news/video-on-demand/strangers-in-my-head/a-face-in-the-crowd-13703458

i’m hoping to catch all 4 episodes in this series. every ep makes me cry lmao and with good reason — i never got proper treatment and sort of just forced myself into the working world as soon as i got a job. now i rely on the job somewhat to keep me distracted, but even as i’m in the office going through piles, i’m fighting the urge to check my reflection in the mirror and i’m thinking about how much uglier i’ll be getting in the week or how more pronounced my flaws will be by the end of the gruelling work day

i don’t remember my life prior to turning 24 because i spent most of it suicidal and living in a haze. i think i only woke up around march 2019. saw my face properly for the first time, and instead of rejecting the image and wanting to destroy it, i wanted, instead, to troubleshoot: i mustered the courage to try make-up (prior to that, i thought i would look like a clown), and it helped just the tiniest bit.

the local context definitely makes the eps so relatable

idk, maybe i’ll seek help. not that any of the help i got before was much good, but the other day, i dreamt that i looked into the mirror and actually liked or at least was OK with my face and body for the first time ever — and it felt nice

maybe getting back on meds and therapy will help with the constant barrage of intrusive thoughts

[vellengeful]

this probably sounds Fucking Awful to say but the "1 note = another day for my suicidal friend to live" ive seen a couple times seems weird to me??

like i get it, you wanna help em any way you can. its rough being in or knowing someone in that situation. but also it feels like nothing but a bunch of strangers who wouldnt have paid any mind otherwise. its just for temporary attention on tumblr if that makes sense??

idk man, it just feels wrong in a way to someone who Actually feels shitty n wantin to die sometimes (im not in danger, dont worry about that. its just intrusive thoughts). it just feels like an attention grab for the op, not the friend, and doesnt really help them in the end

but maybe thats just my cynic side speaking idk

[lesbiansandpuns]

Hi! I just want to thank you for the warnings abt 13rw. I so admire how you keep your haters in line and with (undeserved) politeness. I'd probably crumble if I take that kinda heat from strangers. :( Im a psych grad and I struggled with depression. And you're working for a mental health facility? Thats so good of you! I really want to have that kind of work. Can you maybe talk about it more? Like, what it's like? Is it triggering to work there if you battle the same kind of mental illness?

I work *in* suicide prevention but not in a *facility* - I do grassroots organizing, local politics, conferences, stuff like that. I run in a lot of different circles because it’s grassroots, too, so I do some work with schools and some work with hospitals and some work with LGBT centers and some work with police departments… There are a lot of different organizations with stakes in suicide prevention. It’s something that I do on top of going to college, so it’s not a full-time job or anything, but I’ve been doing it for about seven years so I’m still pretty well-versed in suicide prevention literature.  

It definitely can be triggering to do the work - there was one time when I was going over a particular suicide-prevention crisis intervention training and was suddenly struck by the fact that I was suicidal, which wasn’t a great time. (We were talking about there being a spectrum of suicidal ideation, ranging from unwanted intrusive thoughts to actual plans, and I realized that I was definitely past passive suicidal ideation and solidly into active suicidal ideation.) So that was super jarring and definitely fucked me up for a while. Also, I have to deal with people who a) don’t think depression is “real” or b) think suicide is “selfish” or “weak” or c) literally just don’t care at all, which can be isolating and frustrating and invalidating. 

That said, you’re surrounded by people who care about the issues, and you’re exposed to tons of different ways to get help (which means it’s much easier for me to practice healthy self-care now). It’s also helped me a lot just in terms of self-image and such to be actively working to prevent something that’s a threat to me?

Basically, it depends on the kind of work you do, how much contact you have with people outside of mental illness/suicide-prevention circles, and where you personally are. I had to take a year-long break from the work at one point because I was so depressed that I wasn’t being effective, for one, and was just being constantly triggered in a way I couldn’t handle at the time, for another. Luckily, since I was working in suicide prevention, taking that time off wasn’t a problem, lol.