#im not jsut some disgusting thing that is hard to love | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

neo-shitty · 3 years

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toffee!

no dont apologise! i didnt check until just then so np :)

mmm yeah it is a bit trippy. hehe ITS TRUE THO. yeah sadly i think ur right, and tag blocking is probably a good idea. sometimes smut written well or not in excess is okay but goddamn when its abt 01 line and thats the whole fic... *silently blocks tags*

hehe i do that all the time lol this conversation is carrying on threads from a month ago :) mmm yeah ur probably right sadly, same. HA HE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE and now i have someone to talk to abt them, so thats good! I KNOW felix was actually the one who got me into skz with his iconique gods menu line so i guess i have a soft spot for him. i always tell myself my bias is chan but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im more whipped than id like to admit. mmm yeah that does make sense dw i hope they do that as well. YES king seungmin hIMSELF. GODDAMNIT DONT GET ME STARTED ON MINHO IN GODS MENU I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS PART OF THE GROUP UNTIL I STARTED GETTING MORE INTO THEM. BITCH (affectionate) THE LINE DISTRIBUTION HAS BEEN UTTER DOG SHIT but *deep breath* its better now so were moving on adn hoping it stays that way. sis same but i may or may not have gone thru a rlly depressed phase and actively sought out the elimination episodes so i could actually force some tears out of my emotionless shell of a heart but what cna you do? lmaoo i feel that irl, binnie deserves more vocal lines. yesss channies accent is rlly prominent then, i think also the way he structures his phrasing? is more english speaking than korean? but yeah i totally get what ur saying. AJKSAL lmao

okay then! im excited for whenever it gets done! (maybe tag me?) ahh the cold shrivelled heart of a dark au writer beats again at the thought of torturing another poor characters very soul (/j) :(( yeah that would suck not being able to see them. ohhh ur on the other hemisphere to me! were just going into spring rn. mmm smth to look forward to! YES you put it into words. they rlly are pretty independent from the company (remember how jyp rejected that other dudes songs after like 3 seconds and then how he was apparently nervous to show the song hed written to chan cos chan was so good at writing hits ahhh sweet revenge) mmmYES we rlly need a mute and remove notifications button for our brains dont we?

YES CORRECT i totally agree. some people jsut dont give it a try, adn assume its bad cos its korean smh racist assholes. yes! im coming up to my 6 month anniv actually! sis sAME, i feel like theyre being tugged into appealing to the western american market and theyre not staying as true to their artistic flair as a group, especially with only writing english songs atm. *sigh* ah well, at least theyre bringing recognition to the kpop world. AHUH dead on, theyre going to be discarded pretty soon and then where will bp be? theyll prob go solo paths which is rlly sad but what can you do when the company is run by a prideful asshole? yg is not going to last much longer in the big four if they keep this up.

hehe you get it. oooh very cool! whos ur ult? (sorry if youve said this before) mmmm yeah good decision, i feel liek thats probably a wise decision. this is my first album release as a kpop stan (not counting mixtape oh) so i think ill get it for sentiments sake. yeah! im excited for the new music! mingi was the one who got me into them, but atm my bias is seonghwa followed by san, wooyoung and ateez but jonghos high notes man *swoon* he, yeah atm ive got jake, jay, nikki, jungwon and sunoo down so just trying to get the rest :) heh, yeah kard i rlly only got into cos of bm, ive seen him like interacting with a lot of idols and he seemed nice so i decided to check out the group. ikr gunshot man *another swoon*

no noe! i didnt know what it was until i got it lol. thx toffee ill try and take that to mind :) yeah lol im on a waiting list thats not going to be free until late september so hopefully i can hold on until then. hope ur okay, that sounds like it sucks, hope you can find someone. maybe ill just take you along on my phone and the therapist can get a two for one patient deal lmaooo. mmm, sorry no i havent mentioned it before, i dont rlly talk abt it much. uhhh basically hypermobility? if you google it, it doesnt seem bad, jsut joint flexibility but ive got the severe end of the stick, leaning towards ehlers danlos syndrome so thats fun. basically it just makes it hard for me to exercise, run, jump, stand or just walk for long periods of time and gives me a lot of joint and muscle pain so... thats fun! but obviously so many other people have it worse than me, so i try not to complain. normally in young people it will improve as they get older, but my doctor said bc its severe in me, its unlikely to get much better. but again, i dont have the worst lot in the bunch, so its all g.

oh its good that its not the bad type of rain, a light sprinkling can be relaxing sometimes. aww thx darl, the concern is appreciated but it went pretty well and i managed not to cough too much on stage or kill myself trying to run around to the other side of the stage in the pouring rain so thats good! oooh tea buddies! my dogs a labradoodle, but shes a bit more of a feral poodle lol not much labrador in her at all, unless its her relentless urge to hunt down every bird that has ever walked this earth smh :((( hopefully they can come back on soon, does uni have dances?

ahhh a mood if i ever heard one. hopefully things will get better for you soon, ik anxiety sucks ass. ooh thats always good! when its sunny here, its always melt ur thongs to the pavement hot so the nicely cool sunny days are a lovely change. hehe impatience is not so good for you, but good for us that get to see ur beautiful theme early. ahh no worries, itll come eventually hopefully. and if not, then just things that make you not anxious are good. it doesnt have to be black or white, sometimes gray is good. mmmmm sames i have midterms this week to catch up on and then two weeks of end of terms so thats fun! i hope u can overcome that a little, heres some channie to be ur motivation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8LWyNjzOww. hah! i hear that all the time, he seems to be everywhere. did you see that tiktok of hans slowed back door rap, i stg it sounded EXACTLY like namjoon, it kinda scared me. also teh beginning of another day, sounds so much like joon i swear.

that reminds me! idk ur biases! i feel like this should be smth i should know so please! feel free to elaborate!

ahh im glad, i was worried it is. mmm same, so no hard feelings if either of us misses a day or smth. ill start worrying if weeks/months have gone by, but if its just a little while thats more than fine. ill just picture you studiously completing notes and i wont worry lol

<3 w.a. 🐺

at some point i really think i'm going to start blocking accounts because blocking tags won't be enough. i saw ask tags the other day and it just made me want to bleach my eyeballs.

i could talk about god's menu felix for hours man. the teaser for god's menu that featured his part on the bridge made me look forward to the mv release. you: biases chan, also you: lixiesbabyhands. yes you are more whipped than you think. i can't believe orange haired minho was given NOTHING during that era but they kind of made up for it in the b-sides. i also hope it stays that way. the distribution for this era was pretty fair.

"torturing another poor character's soul" in all honesty, i used to live for this. 2017 me leading up to early 2020 wrote nothing but angst. i have another aussie friend on twt and tbh i'm still really (O.o) about the seasons! jyp should be terrified skz could easily take over that company. heck if skz grow old and start their own company, they'd probably do a great job at running it. PLEASE. i have issues on muting/notifications both mentally and in real life. sometimes, i just wish to disappear.

some people in my country are just disgusting tbh. not only racist but homophobic too. they label kpop as 'gay' and it DISGUSTS me. it's a problematic behavior/mindset people in my country need to fucking get rid of. anyway, HELP ME 6 MONTHS??? and i've been in this shit for like a decade eye. tbh, i’m not fond of kpop groups trying to appeal to the western audience :// it feels like they’re losing their identity in a way. yes recognition but at what cost? yg has my favorite groups but that’s one shitty company when it comes to promoting.

okay my ult! it’s haechan from nct but i consider chan an ult too. like a close second above my whopping list of kpop boys. oh yes! you should get the album just for like a keepsake? remembrance? how did mingi appeal to you? omg did you start getting interested in ateez back when he was still on hiatus? NOT YOU BIASING THE SAME PEOPLE I DID WHEN I FIRST STARTED STANNING. the infamous ateez thot-line. jongho is easily one of the best fourth gen vocalists out here, no one can change my mind :( good luck with memorizing the rest of enhypen! just in time for the comeback too. i hope i’ll get into kard soon but i’m pretty content (and a tad bit overwhelmed) with the amount of groups i stan right now.

please hold on though, feel free to vent here if you like. thanks for the offer tho HAHA but like i’ll try to get checked here too when the cases die down a bit. i’m sorry to hear about your condition though :( please don’t ever overwork yourself to the point that your joints/muscles would ache. it’s completely valid to complain about it tho. i get that you have others in mind but keeping that mindset really doesn’t do you (like you internally) any better? so if you need to, vent your frustrations out and don’t keep it in.

oh my god, about your performance last sunday. was the stage out in the open? glad you didn’t cough too much and did well on your concert. i’m proud of you! i can never understand dogs and poor birds T_T uni doesn’t have dances unfortunately. i think there’s just one party at the end like a graduation ball. what year are you in anyway? if it’s something that you’re fine with sharing. if not, it’s cool.

good luck with your exams! and thanks for the link! AHA what a cutie. i think he does this motivation thing once in a while during his lives and it’s just comforting. yeah joon and han my irl just freaked when we made that discovery. ult crumbs for her. oh god not me forgetting about every biases when you asked. you can ask for my biases in a few groups just list down the one’s you’re interested in knowing.

i missed yesterday because i was grinding and finishing what if we stay + school work. finally did it today. i’m sure i’ll reply in like a day or two, definitely not a month unless i state otherwise. if i ever decide to abandon this blog, i’ll let you know.

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

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angerydj · 7 years

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Hiiiiii I've been following your art for ages and I love it!!! I have some questions I'd like to ask you about being trans (I am newly trans and I have some small questions:) 1) how long ago did you realize you were trans? Was it hard to accept? 2) I heard you're in a relationship, do they accept you being trans? 3) did you confront your parents about it? (Idk if I should to mine) You don't have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable thank you for your time:))

of course id love to help!

around 5 years ago i think, i just remember being disgusted with my appearance for a while and i didn’t know why and then i had what people would call a “desire dream” and i just felt a form of happiness in the dream that i could explain, like having a beard, going around shirtless with a flat chest and i knew it was me always looking at myself from a mirror. but i had never heard the term “trans” ever until a while after and everything made sense but i just thought i was a lesbian at that point and it didn’t feel 100% right

i cant remember if it was hard, but i know how badly for around 3 years watching videos and seeing other trans people and their stories, like im the type of person who will please people and make sure they are all right so im not really the person to think of myself so i was scared of the transition part. i remember my chest was a big problem for me i used duct tape and that and i didnt care much for when i came home bloody and bruised when i took it off and then i moved on to wear 2 sports bras (one on the right way and the other backwards) by that time i had my short hair and i stared wearing boxers and mens clothes trying to give obvious ass hints to my parents, and my mom found the 2 sports bras on the floor and asked if i wore both of these and she actually was the one who showed my binders (of course i knew of them at that point) and she said she would by me one and we where going on holidays around that time, like i said i never felt it was just about me, like my mom said i could change my name but it had to be similar to mine so THEY could remember it and i mentioned wanting to get rid of my chest and she said no cause is would be too much for HER to handle i felt like she never really thought about how i felt, but she is very supportive i just dont know the story with her so i want to transition when im older

ive never sat dow and talked to my parents about it im not that person to just go and say it,i overthink things too much and frankly i find it my business and ive only met 1 other trans person and i was just in awe of them and how they passed so well and im not sure if they where even on T, theres no rush to tell your parents i just like to keep it to myself.

like rn im lucky if people get me mixed up, cause it mean im doing something right? i dont know if im doing something wrong or im missing something, but it really effects my social life like ive jsut been feeling really non masculine lately and it takes a really bad effect on me to the point of walking around the house with my binder off makes me feel disusing

but i hope things go well for you in the end and you figure it all out and im really happy they you came to me for advise im rather open to this cause i try and help the people to the best of my abilities i hope this helped im some way and feel free to message me privately and we can talk

#i deal with it badly cause i act like its not there then it hits me all at once

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8eht · 6 years

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q - u? :)

q: how do you feel about collaborations?

i don’t have too much of an opinion on it, to be completely honest. im pretty particular about what i like reading though, so if their writing styles differ too much i won’t be able to enjoy it really.

with that being said, i give lots of props to those who actually collab w others bc im so picky abt my writing and have extremely specific ideas and if details aren’t described exactly how i imagined it in my head it causes me so much anxiety and distaste for it and askfhaskjfhasfkja. so it must really be difficult and i rly respect those are able to achieve that type of teamwork i could never tbh

r: are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence?

the first writer that comes to mind is tahereh mafi. i know her style is def not for everyone and neither is mine so sajkfhaskjf. feelinggenious on wattpad actually wrote a post about why they don’t like her style and expressed the reason being is that its “written in a chaotic, hallucinating-ish, journal style that’s oozing and overflowing of metaphors” and that ppl may find its a “lump of metaphors and horrid imagery” n binch thats exactly why i aspire to be on her level someday asfjhsfjhasfk. but i love it so much tho!! and thats exactly how i would want mine to be described as tbh

another person that stands out is tabitha suzuma. i’ve only read one book by her, but i remember ppl on goodreads reviewing it and saying its like 418 pages of poetry. she brings out so so so much emotion and all of her characters (even the younger children) are so three dimensional and they honestly felt like real people to me. the story is so so traumatic and hard to read, but i, at least, went thru so so so many strong emotions and sadness and happiness throughout the entire book. not many writers can do that to me and i admire her so so so so much. she took an extremely taboo subject and made it so you actually feel for the characters involved. i wont mention the book due to reasons but if anyone is interested u can message me or w/e!!

and lastly, i mention her literally every moment of my life and she really is my biggest muse ??? i guess but its nicole dollanganger. she a songwriter which is technically a writer so i think she counts. not many ppl have heard of her bc she basically just came from bandcamp. but she’s been described as being like lana del rey but with way scarier and more horrific lyrics. i listen to a lot of her songs when i write to keep me going tbh. but i wouldnt rec her music to anyone who can be triggered by v*ol*nce and etc!! so keep that in mind

ask me more fanfic q’s!!!

s: any fandom tropes you can’t resist?

i love angsty bffs who are secretly in love with each other but are too much of stubborn and frightened buttholes they never say anything. so they always fight and get jealous and wow … im so weak for this d*mb shit. hmmm also practice kissing tropes and hurt/comfort and ajkdhaskfjasf. im boring ok i know this dont tell me

t: any fandom tropes you can’t stand?

ok so theres not many that i CANT stand, but theres a lot i literally have no interest in. i rly am against anything obviously problematic or gross. so theres that. but in terms of just popular tropes that im not into ??? anything paranormal (which is hilarious bc i love anything else paranormal n that includes books but for some reason in fanfics i just ??? cant do it.) however there have been a few that i love so i wouldnt disregard a fic completely jsut bc it has supernatual elements. i wouldnt disregard a dystopian fic tho maybe. idk wuts wrong with my brain and why it chooses some things and not others aksjfhasfkasf. but anything thats not everyday boring basic ass shit i usually cant get into it rip

so yeah. theres actually way more bc im so so so so picky af to the point where its disgusting brtywgasfjk

u: share three of your favorite fics writers and why you like them so much.

IM CHEATING !!! ok so instead of writers im gonna go w three of my fave fics bc thats easier for me.

1. letters (things unspoken) was the first fic i ever read that i really, really loved. its super heavy and so so sad so be warned if u wanna check it out. listen i didnt just tear up reading this ok. i straight up sobbed like a lil annoying binch and it really really broke my heart and wow. it involves d**th so. and its monsta x fyi

2. when i get weary of the sky is unbelievable. i havent read it in such a long time so i even forget a lot of it but i remember it being so incredible and well-written and asofhasufohas. im not gonna try to get into my reasoning bc as i said its been quite some time since ive read it and i dont want to give it an improper description. but anyway its abt pentagon!

3. desperate inhales;; relaxed exhales is shortish but its so good omg. im surprised it wasnt written by me tbh bc the author has a similar writing style as i do imo. its everything i could ask for in a fic i think. and wow its actually a svt centered fic amazing. which is wild bc 98% of the fics i read are seventeen related but yet 2/3 of the ones i mentioned are writers for different groups oops

idk why but i feel embarrassed if any of these writer have a tumblr and follow me but prob not and idek why i care but im such a shy awkward bean afhjksjkaf

#jacksinn #i put some under the cut bc it got way tooooo lengthy lmao #tysm for asking !!! ily !!!#💕💖💕💖💕💖#THIS IS SO HECKING LOVE IM SORRY #*long #i talk too much if u havent noticed #angel things.txt #replies #not 17

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votingdog · 7 years

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i wanted to do a thing

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? i would, yeah 2. You talked to an ex today, correct? i have, like three of them lmao? 3. Have you taken someones virginity? i have not 4. Is trust a big issue for you? definitely 5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? i did!! it was really nice aaa 6. What are you excited for? hanging out with my friends? always? im lonely 7. What happened tonight? nothing really? ive been on tumblr mostly 8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? nah bitch me too just pls be careful 9. Is confidence cute? so cute!! but so is being shy?? everything is cute everyone is cute love me 10. What is the last beverage you had? tea 11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? three, id say 12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? all my jeans are skinny jeans 13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? saturdays are for the boys 14. What are you going to spend money on next? probably a charger tbh 15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? am not. relationships are scary and i need to figure shit out before i can be in another one 16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? it wouldnt surprise me 17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? noah and xavier 18. The last time you felt broken? eeeeeeeeeeeee 19. Have you had sex today? nope 20. Are you starting to realize anything? im cute and worthy of love okay 21. Are you in a good mood? yeah i mean? yeah. weirdly. 22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? maybe 23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? what dad lmao 24. What do you want right this second? cuddles 25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? “were they cute? tell me about itt” im very poly y’all 26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? yee 27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? probably not, then again it isnt hard to make me laugh 28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? honestly probably noah being a goof 29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? y e s 30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? not everyone, but most people do 31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? absolutely not!! i love him sm 32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? i express it like,,,,,all the time so i really hope so? 33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? i only drink the clear ones? like sprite and ginger ale are my shit. everything is is,,,not 34. Listening to? jezebel by iron & wine 35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? not usually. i mostly use pen bc i clearly never make mistakes 36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? i mean, im 99% sure he’s at his house but idk he could be in a graveyard for all i know 37. Do you believe in love at first sight? nah. curiosity and crushing(ish) at first sight, yes, but love takes a bit 38. Who did you last call? xavier. i usually do to sleep 39. Who was the last person you danced with? my ex. we didnt get to go to prom together and he was sad he didnt get to dance with me, so we danced in my bedroom 40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? because he’s a huge cutie!!! 41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? i dont remember?? pls give me a cupcake?? 42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? noo. i dont see my mom much rip 43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? always??? i embarrass myself in front of everyone?? 44. Do you tan in the nude? i dont tan? not purposely at least. i just go outside sometimes and i guess i tan easily bc my tan line is r e a l 45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? of course nott i wanna kiss him like all the time 46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? maybe? i dont remember. i usually do tho 47. Who was the last person to call you? xavier 48. Do you sing in the shower? if no one’s around 49. Do you dance in the car? ive done the macarena in the car 50. Ever used a bow and arrow? yee 51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? school pictures? other than that when i was like real little bc my family was that suburban white family who got them every year (at walmart) 52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? duh but i love them so much 53. Is Christmas stressful? y e s 54. Ever eat a pierogi? pardon? 55. Favorite type of fruit pie? i? uh? apple? 56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? oh jeez that’s a heavy question. sky diver, wizard, vet, and a teacher 57. Do you believe in ghosts? yes theyre real and one sucked my dick behind an arby’s 58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? a lot actually 59. Take a vitamin daily? my unhealthy ass? i laugh 60. Wear slippers? no, usually jsut socks 61. Wear a bath robe? no, im usually just in a towel after the shower for like 20 minutes while i dissociate 62. What do you wear to bed? t-shirt and underwear unless im alone and then just underwear 63. First concert? black veil brides, falling in reverse, and set it off 64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? targett 65. Nike or Adidas? shrugs. i wear off brand vans every day 66. Cheetos Or Fritos? cheetos! 67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? peanuts 68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? mary’s song, dear john, and december. i unironically love her old stuff 69. Ever take dance lessons? i did ballet and tap c: 70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? shrugs. whatever they wanna do i support 71. Can you curl your tongue? yee 72. Ever won a spelling bee? i got fifth place one year and third another 73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? last night 74. What is your favorite book? the trylle series 75. Do you study better with or without music? with 76. Regularly burn incense? ive never done it on my own accord actually 77. Ever been in love? oh have i 78. Who would you like to see in concert? um? iron & wine? idk im listening to him now and i lov 79. What was the last concert you saw? ,,,,,,,,,,refer to number 63 80. Hot tea or cold tea? cold! 81. Tea or coffee? teaa 82. Favorite type of cookie? peanut butter ^^ 83. Can you swim well? i mean, i guess? i dont much idk 84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? yee 85. Are you patient? mostly, unless im like breaking down and/or splitting. then i freak 86. DJ or band, at a wedding? shrugs 87. Ever won a contest? i dont believe? i got second in one once for a collage i made of photographs when i was in kindergarten 88. Ever have plastic surgery? nah 89. Which are better black or green olives? green!! 90. Opinions on sex before marriage? i personally dont care. it’s important to some people and not to others. just respect each other yo 91. Best room for a fireplace? anywhere im around. i lov 92. Do you want to get married? aaaaaaa gotta find someone who would actually marry me first bitch wtf

#yoyoo #leigh what are you doing with your life

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wuqs · 7 years

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hey a Fun post dont read it lmao

hilariously, if you can imagine, when i was a wee little gay in danville virginia at the ripe age of 18, i was really really fucking upset about feeling so romantically lonely in that town. i basically only ever tried to go on one date and every moment of that experience was a total embarrassing waste of time including being stood up.

but god, did i dream every day about moving to new york

whereupon i, yknow, didn’t date anyone for four years

and like i went on An Date with An Person and i enjoyed it but then? was kind of ghosted so that was fun. and then the only guys who EVER expressed interest in me in an open way was done 1) while drunk 2) only sexually 3) in a super rape-y way (lmao lets not get into the disgusting number of 28-35 year olds who hit on me/got physical with me at parties in college when i was 19-21)

so like now that i’m in vegas, which is this great city like new york, but i’m even less in touch with the gay community bc i dont go especially out of my way to go to Gay Events i just feel so..... separated?

like this idea of ever finding a guy to be with feels fake and impossible

and when i look at or try dating apps it’s again all sexual and gross and unfun and theres nothing ... interesting? about it. like i’m just Flat Out not into the idea of sex with someone i dont know. and i really just... dont have sex anywhere on my priorities atm? but the gay scene is jsut so fucking sexual like “dating” apps are sex-related look at tinder or grindr, and irl shit is just bars and clubs and there’s this sex-filled vibe there

im just so fucking tired of it and im so tired in general why pour energy into this thing that feels impossible... finding someone i like but also who i can trust? and care about and put energy into? like i WANT that and i want to be able to do that but fucking hunting that shit down is so daunting and dumb and stupid and i just get tired thinking about the idea of dating bc theres so many ~~~steps and then there’s this difference between the Reality of dating and the Cliche of dating and it seems to come from experience which i have None Of and fucking shit it’s just so goddamn tiring

i hate to say it but i dont see many people outside of work and the little family i have here. and i love my work friends, they’re great people and i like work, but like shit they’re almost all so goddamn straight and its so .................... :/ and then i have some friends who wanna go to a gay bar/club with me to like encourage me to Go Out or whatever but there’s just this... hard to explain thing about that that just feels weird or off and god i just hate everything

but mostly i just hate still feeling so ... emotionally alone???? especially since i am like one of two people out of a friend group of like 10 ppl who is single and im #over it entirely, i’m the third/fifth/seventh wheel for goddamn every single thing like i have been literally since people first started dating in middle school

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i-dont-want-to-forget-this · 7 years

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hi i just wanted to talk

i dont really have any sort of direction or reason that i wanted to talk but its 9:30pm and im alone and im in a typey mood and i dont want to just watch more how i met your mother. (im on episode like 17 i was on like 2 this morning thats so embarrassing.) anyways. i should probably watch a disney movie to help fuel the reigniting fire inside of me, but idk it just hasnt happened yet. oh im waking up at like 6am tomorrow morning rip me amiright or amiright. obviously relationships have been on my mind a lot lately. theyre hard. honestly, i know that once one of radk starts dating someone im going to feel the need to be a know it all (WHICH IS SO ANNOYING SUCH A BIG FLAW I HAVE) and be like ok but dont believe all the sweet things they say because boys lie!!!!!!!!! which is true. lets be honest here they do. they say very very sweet things to win over your heart because they want you and they know that saying those things will make you swoon. and it sucks because it will work and youll believe what theyre saying, hell, they may believe what theyre saying at the time but surprise things change sometimes. and thats ok. the world is constantly changing. it jsut reallt really really really sucks when soemthing you thought could be a constant is not. FOR EXAMPLE:::::

1. “camille, listening to you is infinitely more important than this right now,”

which, in his defense, wasn’t a lie. he said right now. but thats not the point the point is that i could have sworn phil laplante would listen to everything. every complaint every hope every dream every belief everything. but we are about to hit 4 months (oh my gosh only 4 months) and i cannot tell you the last time i truly felt listened to by him. which hurts my heart does not hurt my heart as much as:

2. “i love you my dearest, kaibigan, unconditionally.”

i just literally dont believe you. i dont. and heres the thing. tears shed over phil suck/ed. ok. theuy stunk before im sure theyll stink in the future, and it hurts and it sucks but OH ME OH MY IT IS NOTHING. NOTHING IN COMPARISON. TO THE PAIN INFLICTED ON MY BY ONE OF THE LOVES OF MY LIFE. i feel like shes not even mine anymore. is this a dramatized version of camille speaking? probably, but she deserves to have a say too. and it sucks. so much. to feel like youre all alone because the one person you swore would love you no matter hwat you did or what you coujld do would still love you just kind of stops becasue she finds new firends to become obsessed with this sucks because i used to be that new friend. she used to be obsessed with me and thar hurts likea mother tucker. i think ive developed shades of trust isseus. maybe. id ont really know i jus tknow that it sucks SO MUCH to think of my two favorite people on the planet both being uninterested in me wow that hurts a lot. and it makes me sad to think that i could be someones favorite person on the planet and i ditched them im sorry i dont wantt o make you feel that way but i feel as though i ahve and i am so sorry. THERE IS SO MUCH HURT IN THE WORLD AND THAT SUCKS ASS. A LOT. LIKE A LOT OF ASS. But there are also some beautiful things in the world. things like music. i love music. things like stories. stories are so fascinating. there is constantly something happening on earyh and there is a select few numbers of people who will experience it.

im rediscovering myself. i lost her somewhere. somewhere in the mix of the kissing and the new bralettes and the frozen fruit snacks and the engieneers and the design projects i left her somewhere. shes out there. or maybe shes in here, tucked away behind a familiar smell. or maybe a new smell. i dont know what she likes. i dont know how to coax her out of me. shes made some appearances, for example when i was scrolling through instagram after that himym episode and it was earthyandy showing off some of her vegan ice cream with 10,000 emerald pools playing it jsut reminded me of humans existing and it was beautiful. and there are shades of her still in me writing this todaybut she doesnt overflow me anymore. which is ok. id rather have her be a little hidden than be garbanzo.

things that hurt:

thinking about the honeymoon phase.

and i know that this is like with God, am i in it for the reward or am i in it for Him? (ive come to discover im still very much in it for the reward i think. i am not the best. but im working on it. am ia ctually working on it. or do i just say that and ignore it. id ont know but i cant afford to put myself through the hurt of telling myself that im doing nothing.)

but God, like actually God, I miss it.

i miss the romance. i miss feeling like i was floating, like the world was saturated, and my face was hot and things were sweaty in the best way. i miss feeling like i was flying, and like nothing had and ever would hurt me (sidenote, things did hurt.) i miss

i miss still being pure

thats a rip

i am weak

but its in the past

i dont know if ive actually forgiven myself for that one yet

i feel less disgusting and more loveable than i did previously, which is good.

maybe im not ready fora relationship.

but when will i be

i need to learn somehow

has phil been perfect?

no!

no he hasnt!!

today he told me “im going to stop replying for a while, dont get offended.”

which.

1. sucks. or well, is odd.

if he had opened and left me on read i wouldnt even flinch

if he just sent back a smiley face id be like lmao, probably send back a bitmoji

but he told me it was going to happen. which is just so weird.

2. i feel like im more offended that he told me to not get offended. dont tell me what to do. which, ok, i realize could be crazy, he jsut doesnt want to hurt my feelings but believe it or not phil its a little late for that its happened and im ok im fine ive forgiven it. i think. maybe. i just want to be there for you and with you and actually scratch that i want you to want me to be there for you and with you. i just dont feel very wanted by you sometimes which, weve discussed before i know that you know that youre not affectionate. or at least not when were in real life and not honeymooning (sidenote i feel like our honeymooning phase was shorter than others were and i find that unfair but whatever.) i signed up for htis. im consciously dating someone that is distant. am i okay with that? i dont want to jsut date boys to feel like im flying though i want us to

i dont know

i was going to say be a team

but thats what phil says

and i dont want to let him pick these words for me

remember when i wrote that poem about chaos

and how i felt like i was in a storm and i dont know what to hold onto and i was like oh jk i want to hold onto you

yeah

me too

i think im there sitll

and like you said

the storm is inside your brain

and i want to be able to be the one to calm it

but maybe thats not my job

mabye thats a different persons job

maybe it is j=my job but its my job for later

maybe its your job

i dont know

but the idea of youd ating someone else really sucks

like a lot

liek a lot a lot

because i know

i know what the hunt is like now

i can imagine

all of our friends

sitting somehwre, id ont know

and all the boys are checking out the hot girls around

and maybe im just old fashioned

maybe im still naive

maybe i am still just a noob

but that sucks so much

i dont want to be replaceable with a deli girl

or with ffg

not that theyre bad or anyhting but its the princile of it

that when im gone you jsut go back to sitting in the purple chairs at storms planning how to talk to the next girl

WOW THAT SUCKS

A LOT

THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS FOR GIRLS

And mayb ethats the point

actually i tak that back

im sure thats how it isf or some girls

but phil im not just some girl

phil im the girl that made lauryn hurley feel loved

im the girl that helped bring radk together

im the girl that blew ms crsit away

im the girl that used to look down in the damn hallway but looked up because she liked a boy

i didnt look up because i wanted to see a hot rack with blue eyes and a nice ass

i looked up because i wanted to be noticed

and intriguing

and wanted

and i jsut dont really feel like any of those things by you sometimes

and that hurts a lot

what is the point of this

this just sounds like i dont want to date him anymore

but i do

do i or do i jsut not want change

i do

i think

id ont know

but camille

right now you get the best of both worlds

you get to date him

who is goofy

and smells really good

and is strong

and is hungry for God

and is grateful

and is

well

i was going to say a good listener

sometimes

but there is so much space between you two becaues this is a time for you

no one but you, camille

you can grow

this is a summer of self improvement.

you lost yourself somewhere and tou dont need anyone to help you find her

thats a lie

who i am is reflected onto me by those around me

but still

i dont need him.

i dont want to need anyone yet

i am young

im still finding out what i want

im still discovering myself

dear God,

i cant do this without you

youre the only one who will love me and satisfy me

“the human world, it’s a mess”

youre right

but thats knida the point

we feel things

we hurt

we love

we lvie

we cry

we laugh

we do all these things

and feel what we think is great

but then when we get to feel you, oh lord, we are blown away.

you are so much greater

and i am not worthy, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed

im sorry

im sorry for disappearing

and i honestly cant see myself running back soon

which sucks

and i dont know how to fix it

i think i hurt a lot

which is so backwards

but im doing what they say normal people do

am i normal though

i literally jsut said im not

God i need you

help me find you

i bet you know how to find me.

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bpd-victor · 7 years

Text

i wanna go to sleep but i fucking cant because i cant stop crying ive been crying for over an hour now and i just cant Stop lmao i dont have a journal and i dont have anyone to talk to so i guess i’ll just vent here because i have to i just . i cant stop crying i dont know whats wrong with me lmao ive been feeling fucking awful for weeks but it just hit me tonight and i started sobbing and i couldnt fucking stop you know im just. so fucking lonely i hate hate hate the way this feels i hate that literally everyone in the world has friends and i dont even have one fucking friend, like irl if i died no one would notice and i know thats some cliche thing people say but i mean it - the only people who would notice are my bosses when i dont show up to my shift. my mum uses me for money and shes the only irl person who talks to me and then i have like . barely any friends online either and even they would be fine without me they dont . need me no one fucking needs me but i need everyone so much and no one cares. im so so so tired of. feeling this lonely nd empty my flatmates dont talk to me my mum doesnt cxare about me other than for the money and i dont hacve a single friend lmao its so pathetic im s o .

every friend ive ever had ive managed to drive away somehow even when i think they love me so so much i manage to make them hate me ? my ex best friend hates me nd he never talks to me and it was always me texting first in the end always me asking to .see him until he just stopped replying to my meet up suggestions and it was all because i was disgusting i . ruined everything because of this stupid fucking trauma that i cant get over like haha yeah i was raped thats great it was fucking years ago i should just get over it but i cant its runiing everything and i let some stupid projected character ruin my friendship with the only irl best friend ive ever really had because i couldt let go of this character because . his csa trauma was just like mine and it means so much to me but appartently i let it mean more to me than my fucking friendship because now he hates me lmao and i . miss him s omuch but he doesnt care about me he doesnt he doesnt

and i hate bpd i hate that it does this i hate that you attach yourself to people and you become so fucking sensitive to everything that it feels like . death when you lose someone or . w/e i hate the way it feels i hate it so so much i hate . needing the affection and i hate having so so much love and being unloved it’s such an awful feeling for anyonr but even worse for people with bpd lmao im so .tired of being defined by the fact i was r//ped for years like yeah lmao hundreds of children go through worse than what i went through and nonoe of them end up as alone and unlovable as me

nd then now my ex best friend is gone and . now im losing everyone else too and my rational brain says i havent done anything wrong but clearly i mustve if i made everyone hate me i dont understand i dont know why im so unlovable am i really that ? terrible?

what is it please just tell me please i cant make this mistake againo i cant go through this again just tell me ?? am i too clingy or too needy or too over-loving ?// do i talk too much? am i bnot there enough??? whats wrong with me what did i do??? why does everyone i love stop loving me and start loving other people??? please tell me what i did ???

i just wish it didnt feel like this i wish i didnt have to cry for hours and hours in my bed alone nd think about how if i fucking choked to death now no one would even notice; oh i didnt turn up to work? i mustve quit. oh i stopped replying to ur texts? oh well ur fine without me and id be dead and no one would care im that fucking unlovable and i hate it because i lvoe so so hard and no one loves me and it sounds pathetic but im just broken im so fucking broken

he broke me he broke me . i was . like eleven or twelve and he broke me and no one is ever fucking going to love me because he broke me and he fucked me up and then i developed this stupid fucking disorder that means that no matter what i do im just so easy to hate and all i want is. to be loved i wish i wasmt broken and i wsih i was never r//ped but those are big wishes so if i was going to wish for anything id just wish that i was .loved

just one person who would want me just one person who would think about me when asked “what makes you happy” or thinks about me when theyre sad and it makes them smile or just one person who fucking wants to .hold me or be held by me i just want someone who cares. but no one fucking does and anyone who did has moved on to someone else because they got tired of me because thats what bpd does and thats what trauma does; you become too ugly and too tiring for people to handle and i cant . do this anymore i cant go through this anymore i just .cant do it

and i know its sounds cliche but i mean it; im so alone. like . so alone i dont have a single person who cares except maybe one person online who used to care and maybe still semi-does but . thats it. i dont have a single irl friend and im not exaggerating like . not a Single person who talks to me or spends time with me

i was sobbing so much and i still am and i tried to think about laurent because he went through the same thing as i did and he still found love but like lmfao who the fuck is going to love me like thaT??? he’s my age and he’s . found that and i jsut .havent and i never will because everyone fucking hates me and . i just started sobbing harder bc i thought . if he was crying there’d be someone who cares and here i am crying on my own so whatever its going to be like this forever and i know it because ive been close to . Something so many times and still managed to destroy it so what does that say about me?? i just have this tendency to make people hate me even when they loved me which proves i’ll never find anyone who will stay lmao everyone i love just .leaves

im so so so alone i feel so Broken and he did this to me he did ti he did it when he raped me i was eleven and he raped me what am i supposed to do i . dont know its been six years since he last did it i was fourteen the last time and fucking look at me im still so broken every fucking day . i dont know what to do

#rape tw #v.txt

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