#im really struggling. im very very unmedicated and im very very depressed and every day is a goddamn hurdle at this point im SICK of this

[shadyhouse]

hey guys, i hate having to do this all the time but im scary broke again 😞 i've been applying to jobs all week, i even applied to a temp agency, but i havent had any luck with work... i havent gotten a commission in over two weeks now, probably because it's con season, so i've been barely scraping by. i'm trans and i have no family to help me out so i'm trying to survive on my own pretty much

i just woke up this text and im freaking out. i have bills coming up, and i only have $4 in my bank account. i need to start paying next month's bills in a week!! hopefully i can score a project with the temp agency soon but it doesn't seem likely so far

i'm still applying to jobs but since i can only get jobs on my bus route i have to find things in my area which has been difficult. i've been working on commissions daily and trying to get through my queue as fast as i can.

if anyone wants to help me at all, i'd really appreciate it... anything at all helps. i'm open for commissions too! my turnaround time is 1-2 months depending on complexity. you can see my art here https://furaffinity.net/user/shadyhouse (warning: most of what i make is nsfw, please only commission me if youre 18+)

if you want to just donate and help me out, even a couple of dollars will help me, you can send it here

paypal.me/bewearrr

venmo: @tobias_leviathan

ko-fi.com/shadyhouse

otherwise, i'd really appreciate reblogs 🙏 please don't feel obligated to donate if you cant afford to, i'd like for you to be able to survive as well!

thank you for reading this far, i'm sorry i have to do this all the time, i really wish it wasn't the case. i'll update if things start to look up for me

[fairytypingg]

fuck it we're doing this

RAGEON HCS!!!!!

Velvet;

19

leo(i think thats what i am, idk a lot abt astrology)

7 minutes older and takes it way too seriously

overplans for everything

screams cries crumbles if she doesn't have 100% control over any situation

plays a lot into appearances but is actually a chronic workaholic(gets it from her uncle)

she and veneer were raaised by their uncle actually!!

velvet has a love hate relationship with the music industry, before and after the events of the movie

TRUST. ISSUES.

cannot ever talk about her feelings she'll explode

bottles everything up like im so serious

"i'll keep all my emotions right here. and then one day, i'll die."

she vents frustration by talking mad shit in cs:go lobbies

she's really good at the game

scary good aim because of it, and that DOES transfer to real life

has 97 mental illnesses and is banned from most public spaces/ref

"i inhereted severe generational trauma and all i got was borderline personality disorder"

someone help her

she needs therapy

also autistic <3

Veneer;

19

also a leo

7 minutes younger but only remembers bcs velvet will not let him forget

he seems chill in comparison because velvet is so high strung but he is the most dramatic bitch ever

says really out of pocket shit without thinking

"yeah that's why your parents dont call you then haha- what why are you looking at me like that what did i say"

he's the epitome of unmedicated adhd

probably needs glasses

the only one of the twins with a drivers license

was very outgoing growing up because velvet hated talking to people, so someone had to do it

doesn't rly understand velvet being depressed and thinks shes a drama queen like him

"im tragically doomed by the narrative" "drink water dumbass"

hes morosexual

"if a man can locate mount rageous on a map that man is not my type"

dumb fucking ass

love him, hes just kinda stupid.

Kid Ritz:

20

idk any other zodiac signs use ur imagination

every personality disorder you can think of

emotional manipulation is a sport and he is bringing home the gold

whats wrong with him

the answer is mommy issues. and rampant childhood neglect. also when you're raised as rich as he was you're gonna come out weird

struggled to understand the concept of lying as a child so when be finally got it he retaliated by lying for sport and then never stopped doing that

prefers machines to people

hes one of those "there is a minimum iq requirement to talk to me" guys

not just a talk show host!!

he's well trained to take over his father's political position when the old man retires

current director of public security

he's known as a purveyor of gossip for a reason

the saying goes that nothing happens in the city without his knowledge

hyperintelligent

like genius iq, reading at a college level by age 5, etc

actual child prodigy in every conceivable way

notorious for being "perfect"

he's the face of Ritzworth Media Corp for a reason

evil genius

also lonely

his father is grossly neglectful and his mother is a deadbeat

did i mention he has mommy issues

never met his mom and has devoted a lot of his energy to forming an intelligence network dedicated to finding her

hates people

like very antisocial

struggles HEAVILY with empathy

his interviews are notoriously difficult since he entertains himself by making his interviewees squirm

casual sadist in every conceivable way

What's Wrong With Him/aff

Orchid;

18

use ur imagination again im not gonna look it up

rebelling against common characterization here stay with me

secretive about her past but obviously hiding something

a chameleon type of person, can change her behavior, mannerisms, and even accent at the drop of a hat

carries a deep grief with her

distrusting and calculating

she'll "befriend" you but it takes a lot of effort to actually gain her trust

she WILL discard you if she's even slightly suspicious

nobody is sure what her goal is, but she has an agenda

orchid might not be her real name either

very mysterious

generally presents as kind and friendly but it's noticibly fake

cannot stress how much she is hiding something

capable of murder and not afraid to resort to such to protect her secret

dont look in her closet

she has participated in her fair share of underage drinking and can hold her liquor pretty well, but if you manage to get her drunk enough you may be able to pry some answers out of her

has a distaste for celebrities she doesn't see as beneficial to know

gives like. really good advice

identity issues <3

the song Phony is perfect for her

she moves as if she's used to her hair being longer than it is

what is she hiding?

[aquaticmafia-blog1]

Chapter 1 - Part 2:

Living with depression and anxiety is never easy. It’s a constant battle every single day. From the moment you wake up, if you even can manage to get out of bed that day, to the minute you manage to fall asleep (usually with the assistance of sleeping medication, at least, for me). People really don’t understand how ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTING living with mental illness can be.

Because of this new medication I’m on, Sertraline, I’m starting to become more aware of the side effects as I near the middle of the second week on this medication. Fatigue is the biggest side effect I’m experiencing next to just... feeling lethargic. I’m starting to feel uninterested in anything and everything, more so than I did with just dealing with my depression as lethargy is a very common symptom of depression as well. I find myself not sleeping at all or sleeping all day long. What really sucks is that finals are around right now in college and I just don’t have the capacity right now to study at all. It’s unfortunate that my mental illness affects portions of my life that could end up being detrimental to my future if they go wrong... but I can’t just make the mental illness go away while I’m enrolled. It’s always there. Making shit in my life much harder to get along with.

Even being awake most of today... regardless of my barely sleeping last night... I’ve felt like Im not entirely present. My mind is always lost in thought, but when I try to figure out exactly what it is Im thinking about, I forget everything. It’s almost like Im here... physically. But mentally my brain has just completely turned off. My emotions aren’t regulating... or maybe theyre regulating so much I just dont have any emotions that show. I’m not entirely sure. At least, with my depression, when im unmedicated, I can feel emotions. However those emotions are spratic and quick to change. One minute being super super happy. Absolutely overjoyed even. Before crashing down into a pit of despair where nothing matters anymore and why would I even keep living because life feels empty and meaningless. The highs are just so high and the lows are extremely low. With medication, at least in my past experience because I havent been on Sertraline long enough to know how it will affect my brain/body long term, the highs and lows go away and are replaced by this constant level emotion. Not really sad... but never truly happy either.

With that, I’m going to leave yall off with a question...

Would you rather experience the highs and lows extremely in life, or be in a state of constant level emotion?

If you, or someone you know is struggling with depression or any mental illness make sure you’re getting the treatment you need. If you’re in a suicidal crisis and need to talk to someone call 1-800-273-8255, or go to your nearest emergency room. If you just need someone to vent too, who is by no means a professional but is more than willing to listen, my dms are always open. Cheers!

[boot-up-bitch]

Ive hit a point that I am not sure I can manage without therapy any more. I used to go to weekly therapy sessions through high school, and into college, I met with a therapist every other week, and eventually down to only once a month. My goal was to remain unmedicated, and my therapists agreed with my decision, and supported me. While I did have my troubles. I was depressed and struggling with anxiety, it was not so bad as to not be manageable with psychotherapy only. 

I did get to a point where I felt that even once a month sessions weren’t as helpful any more. Like I didn’t need to go any more. I had occasional anxiety and panic attacks, triggered by high stress situations (might talk about those later) but I was pretty good on my own for a while. 

Things started getting worse when I moved away with my husband (we weren't married then) and we were in a new city with just each-other. He was at work, and I was unemployed for a year and a half. He has always been a stable and sure thing in my life. That has not changed. Hes my best friend and we help each-other, and very luckily for me, he recognizes my signs of overstimulation and panic and can help redirect me, or get me away from that situation when Ive lost my ability to articulate what is wrong. Thanks goodness for that because I would have been worse off without him. 

Anyway, that year and a half, of me just being in our place, on my own. Only the computer to interface with friends, and stay in contact with people, did a number on me. Any attempt to apply for a job just sent me into a spiral of negative thoughts. We were only in that place for 10 months. When we moved, we were a little closer to home. It was a better situation over all. After a couple of months, I finally landed my barista job, and I love it. Things were better for a bit.  Where I live now, I have the same job, theres new people, but Ive gone back into this spiral of not great thoughts. Just objectively looking at my life, I’m not struggling to feed myself. I dont have debt. Im married to my best friend. We both have secure and stable jobs. Both of our parents are supportive of us. Its great, but depression is just this awful bullshit of a sickness that just invades and takes hold and it doesn’t let go without a fight.  Most days I’m okay. Most days, overall I feel sort of happy. But its been more and more like its this vague idea of happy. It’s like I’m only pretending at something that Ive experienced once. Ive just gotten really good at doing it? Really, I just feel tired a lot, and kind of apathetic about a lot of things, especially things that I used to do a lot of, and still do. I’ll pick up a pencil and sketch every three or four days. I’ll write maybe a paragraph or two once every couple of weeks. Its hard trying to get into character when I play D&D. I still do these things because I know they are things Im good at, and they are things that used to make me feel so light and airy, and proud of myself, and Im hoping one day it’s just gonna come back. 

I need help again. I’m taking advantage of my insurance now and Im looking for therapists finally. I just gotta gather up the energy to make some phone calls. Maybe once that happens, I can also feel okay enough to get set up with a GP in the area too. I just think I gotta take care fo my head first.