#im scared ive been working on this since November

[chivgf]

Ihy (pt. 1?)

riri x reader & shuri x reader

warnings: cheating, angst, fluff

inspo?? - @s0lam33y @inmyheadimobsessed @prettymrswright & more

•••

You paced back and forth around the kitchen. “When were you gonna tell me? I mean, were you even fucking planning to?”

You finally stopped at the counter and let your elbows rest firmly on top of it. “I'm telling you nothing happened, what the fuck are you always trippin' for?” Riri sank in her chair and shook her head like you were the one in the wrong. “Then what was she doing here, Ri? And why was she in our bed?”

“Oh, so I can't have friends over no more?”

“That is not true and you know it.”

“Ion know what the fuck is true, y/n! Lately you been nitpicking at any excuse to be mad. You finally found one and don't know how to act, huh?”

“Don't know how to act, Riri? Are you playin' right now? There was another female in our fucking bed. I'm not allowed to feel any sort of way about that?”

“Baby, ain't shit happen, she was just chillin. You have Mylah over all the fucking time, all up in our bed.”

You scoffed in disbelief and struggled to find words to express how idiotic she sounded at the moment. “I've known Mylah since diapers, she was the literal first person I introduced you to! Ion even recognize that bitch's face, Ri.”

Her eyes wandered, almost as if she was ignoring you. Because she always did that when you were right. Pretended not to understand it, because all her life she'd grown up the genius. You didn't get it, and you voiced that, and whenever you did she brought up a girl who always got it. You hated hearing her name; picturing her face, though you'd only seen it a few times here and there. Even thinking about her made your skin crawl. You'd like to think it was just a dislike. Everyone gets bad vibes from certain people, but this was much more. Every time she spoke of the name, jealousy seeped through your teeth, and it ended one of you spending the night on the couch, in the cold living room. You didn't wanna say the words, but you couldn't force them back into your mouth after they tumbled out.

“I don't get it, Ri. Why don't you just accept that you're in the wrong? I know you wanna be the smart one all the time, but you be on fuck shit and never own up to it.”

“You always saying you don't understand me. Fuck, you never just let a nigga make a fucking mistake and let the shit go.”

She walked to the fridge and placed a hand on the door before speaking again. “Ion like being wrong, y/n, you know that. Everybody know that. That's why I clash with niggas, especially you and Shuri.”

There was that name. The pounding heart inside of your chest seemed to be moving your entire body with every beat. The silence.. it was ringing in your ears and deafening you. Your lips had already decided to part, and your tongue started to move in your dry mouth to form a sentence of which your pain made your verbal decisions instead of your mind. “Why you gotta bring her up all the time?”

Riri's digging in the fridge came to a sudden halt. She peaked her head up from the door. “What?”

“Everytime you mad,” you started, you could feel your breathing pick up as you realized you were digging yourself a seemingly inescapable hole. “you bring up Shuri like I'm supposed to compare to her or some shit.”

The thought was in your mind already, and it had been for weeks, but speaking the words out loud, and to your girlfriend's face of steel, made your heart crumble slowly. This is real, you're genuinely upset with one another, and its all coming out. Riri seemed offended, as if you were accusing her of something (which you weren't). “Bro, don't do this shit tonight.”

What the fuck? Bro? You were Bro now? A tight and stinging knot formed in your throat.

“Oh,” you replied, fighting the urge to break down in front of her then and there. But the urge overtook you, and you lost the fight to your heart. Riri's mood shifted as you turned around to face the window and hide your pathetic tears. You heard her footsteps trailing the floor and making their way behind you, slowly but surely. “Look, baby,” she whispered into your skin as she wrapped her strong arms around your waist. “I'm sorry.”

The air she carried over to you smelled thickly of the perfume you gifted her for her birthday. She still wears it, and every time she runs out, she begs and pleads for you to find it again on that expensive website.

“Sometimes sorry ain't good enough, Ri.”

Your assumption that this comment would make her angry was proven false by her calm tone and non-hesitant response.

“I know, but just know, I don't expect nothing of you that you can't fulfill, okay? Especially anything that gotta do with Shuri.”

“And what about the girl?” you added. She gave you a subtle squeeze. Her hold was slightly tighter, and more promising. “Nothing happened with her. I guess I got too comfortable and let her make herself at home without meeting you first. It ain't gon' happen again baby, I promise.”

“And no feelings whatsoever for Shuri? No unfinished business I should look out for?” you joked, releasing some of the apologetic tension in the room. She turned you around to face her. Her big brown eyes were so sincere. “None,” she responded as she leaned in to kiss your cheek.

“Pinky promise?” you said as you stuck your pinky out to Riri. “Pinky promise,” she replied, locking her pinky with yours.

A pinky promise is childish, stupid, and means nothing to most. But to you and Riri, it meant that this promise was not meant to be broken. Ever. It's so sweet and innocent, only a monster could break it without guilt.

•••

Your cat Sylas jumping onto your bed woke you straight out of your sleep. Your breathing was panicked. “Shit,” you semi-screamed as you exhaled sharply. A glance beside you reminded you that Riri was still asleep, and you cupped your hand over your loud mouth. After shooing Sylas off of your bed and kissing a sleeping Riri on her forehead, you grabbed your phone off of the charger and crept out of the door and into the hall, where you rubbed the tired off of your eyes and cracked your stiff joints. Your head still throbbing from Sylas’ scare, you checked your phone.

4:28am, & a missed call from Mom. What is she calling me this early for? Matter of fact, why is she calling at all?

You pressed the call back button in anticipation.

“What?” she said rudely, that singular word slicing you like butter.

“You called me earlier?”

She groaned. “Don't make shit up, y/n.”

“I'm not making nothing up though. I can literally send you a screenshot.”

“No need. Just stop calling my phone.”

The phone beeped before you could further defend yourself. Your relationship with your mother was complicated. You two traveled a lot so you only had each other. You were her girl all your life up until highschool, when you finally settled down, and when you started to explore your sexuality more. When you told her you liked boys and girls, she ripped and ran through the house like a chicken who'd lost its head, and cursed the whole way. Senior year, you had completely cut boys out of the picture. You brought “friends” in and out of the house, and one day she started to notice how close you and a certain friend-- friend obviously being Riri-- got. She kicked her out and she bombarded you with questions. She would send a Bible verse to your phone every morning before your day started, and every night before you went to bed. Once you became an official adult and decided it was time to make your own decisions, she lost her mind to see you and Riri on your social media. It only took one more petty argument (started by her of course) to cut the very last tiny thread piecing your relationship together. Since then, communication has been scarce. One thing you do know for sure though: she absolutely hates Riri.

You stood in the bathroom mirror for a moment and looked at yourself. Sometimes you just couldn't understand what was wrong with you. Your mother despises you. You're not much of a talker, so friends barely come around to make plans. The one person who loved you better than you loved yourself confused you. What does she even see in you?

You're a flawed girl, that's for sure. Nothing about you is perfect. Everything about Riri, from her head to her toes, is perfect. So why you? Pondering can wait though. You needed a shower to clear your head. You pulled your eyes away from the mirror slowly. Turning the water to a fair temperature and removing your clothes, you stepped into the shower and closed your tired eyes.

The water trickled down your back and sent a satisfied shiver down your spine. It fell on your hair, your neck, and trailed down your arms as well. You felt lost, but not a bad lost. Like your body felt the warm droplets from the showerhead, but your mind was elsewhere. Perhaps somewhere frolicking in the rain. You squeezed your eyes together tighter and thought about all of the places you'd rather be than Chicago. Rio, or maybe even Brazil. Maybe France? Or is that too cliche? Everyone wants to go to France. Riri says it's overrated, and there are nature-based places all over the world that hold much more beauty. As your thoughts raced further and further into this new reality, you twisted & turned the temperature knob up a bit higher. Click, the notch went. You allowed your hand to linger on the knob as the temperature wasn't warm enough for you. Aggressively, you twisted again, and again, and again, until the notch wouldn't budge anymore. Your breathing picked up and your imagination turned into an anger. A void felt like it was closing in on you, swallowing your entire being. Your life was a cage unwilling to grant you freedom. There was the opportunity to see a million things, even if it meant living out of a suitcase with your mother, but you threw the adventurous life you feel you so deserve right out of the window for what? For a girl? You stood idle in the shower for a good chunk of time letting your negative thoughts flood your brain before realizing that the water was scorching.

“Ahh, Fuck!” you winced, quickly turning the knob completely off. Your skin felt like it had been boiled. Shaking in pain, you stepped out of the shower and wrapped yourself in your towel.

Riri was already up by the time you went back to your room to get dressed for the day. “Morning baby,” she said in that sleepy voice, slipping a baggy red shirt over her head. “Hey.” Your towel still fell around your shoulders, covering your body.

Her tiredness wore off quickly from that response. She studied you to see what was wrong before asking. Your eye bags had eye bags, and you were still shaking from the burn in the shower. You weren't okay, and she knew it. “Did you get any sleep last night?” she asked first. She walked over and placed her hands on your face and rubbed your temples gently to soothe you. “Yeah, Sylas just woke me up a little early, I'm fine,” you partially lied, laying your hands on top of Riri's to imply that everything was alright.

Sylas did wake you up, but you barely got any sleep as is. You'd been tossing and turning all night.

“This is why I said we should get a dog, but you'n like to listen.”

She made you smile for a split second before the burn started to sting again. “Ah-” you cut yourself off. You couldn't let her see you like this. “Hey baby, could you give me a sec to change?” Riri raised and eyebrow at you, offended. “You act like I ain't never seen you naked before,” she laughed. You didn't laugh back, though. “Damn,” she threw her hands up jokingly. “I'ma go get started on some breakfast then.”

She shut the door and you lagged over to your bed, barely able to move. The most intense part of the burn was on your chest, which would be easy to hide. You rummaged through you and Riri's drawers until you found a comfy dark brown hoodie and threw it on. You put on Riri's shorts as well and headed out to meet her in the kitchen.

“You want eggs?”

You watched from behind as she stood at the stove, hands gripping the spatula as she flipped a singular pancake. Her muscles pulsed the harder she held onto the pan handle. Ri was ethereal. She glowed in the darkest places.

“If that's a no then everything is ready.”

She set down three plates down on the table before you. “Who's the third one for?” you asked, digging into your pancakes.

“Oh, I invited somebody. But before you freak out, hear me out.”

You dropped your fork and straightened yourself up. “Invited who?”

“Listen,” she said, holding your hands in hers. “I invited Shuri to hang out for a lil bit. But, while she here y'all can talk it out or some shit.”

You slid your hands out from under her hold. “Say sike right now,” you hissed. You pushed yourself up from the table and stormed off to your room. Footsteps behind you didn't surprise you. “I don't have the fucking mental capacity for this shit right now Riri.”

“C'mon, she's my friend baby. And I haven't seen her in forever, play nice just this once?”

Another eye roll cause her to beg even further. She had a knack for getting her way every time. “Please? A couple hours, just us three. For me, baby?”

“Fine.”

•••

It didn't take long at all for Shuri to make her appearance at your door, and--just your luck--Ri was in the bathroom. You had to answer. You were hesitant to open the door, and tried to hold off until Riri came out of the bathroom, but the knocking became louder.

“Hellooo? Let me in. It's fucking cold.”

Turning the lock and jerking back the door handle, you looked out in awe. She looked different from when you last saw her.

“Where's Riri?”

“Bathroom.”

You stood at the door staring at one another. “So are you gonna let me inside or what?” she shuddered.

“Uh.. Yeah,” you said as you moved out of the way to let her in. There was a clear path to enter, but she still made it her mission to push past you. Sylas pranced about as you shut the door.

The tension in the room was thick. Shuri sat across from you with Sylas in her lap while you pretended to text someone on your phone.

“You sure know how to treat a guest,” she teased.

“You ain't a guest, you've been here before.”

“Mm, more times than you know.” She shot you a disrespectful wink before getting up and heading to the kitchen. Rummaging through your fridge was her specialty. “Ouu, I'm taking this home,” she mumbled to herself, her head buried in your refrigerator. “Excuse me?” you said.

“Hmm?”

“You said ‘more times than I know’?”

Sylas purred and rubbed himself up against Shuri like she was his mother. Reaching down to scoop him up, Shuri whispered, “You hungry, Sy?”

You watched from your planted position on the floor as Shuri located his food almost immediately and poured it into his dish. She ran her fingers through his slick fur and watched him eat up. Her eyes softened when we dealt with him, like her hard front cracked when she was near him. It was kinda.. cute?

After a minute of you admiring Shuri's delicate handling of Sylas, the bathroom door suddenly flung open and, for a while, you waited impatiently for Riri to actually come out.

It was like a movie, and Riri was making her grand appearance. As she stepped out, you noticed a different scent pouring out from the bathroom, it wasn't the perfume you'd gifted her, not this time. Odd.

Shuri stood up, walked over, and embraced her, and to you, it lasted forever. You watched closely as Shuri loomed over Riri like a tower, one hand around Riri's waist, and the other caressing her cheek softly. You felt the urgent need to speak, or clear your throat, or do anything to remind them of your existence, but you couldn't even bring yourself to break this force. They were in their own world, they were floating. One body, one heart, one breath. And you couldn't do anything about it. Maybe this friendship is deeper than you thought. Riri doesn't even hug you like that. Before you could snap yourself out of this terrifying trance of thought on your own, Shuri and your girlfriend had come back down to earth, back down to you.

Your eyes wandered from the floor and back to them. They were finally out of each other's skin, but their gazes were communicating things words couldn't. You just couldn't decipher what they meant. You finally reached the point where you felt completely invisible, and had to say something.

You cleared your throat before opening your dry mouth. “Been a while, huh?”

Riri broke from the spell and nodded. “Hell yes.”

Shuri laughed as she made her way beside you and slid an arm over your shoulder. You looked at her in a mix of confusion and disgust, itching to jerk away from her, but you promised Riri you would “play nice”. Shuri glanced back down at you, her smirk unphased by your dirty looks. “So, plans for this lovely day?” Shuri said, playfully squeezing you in tighter to her. Her scent was already strong and intoxicating, and being this close to her wasn't helping your lungs function any better. Riri seemed to have no problems with this, her oblivious toothy smile reminding you to force one yourself. You swallowed your pride and gave Shuri a friendly pat on the back.

“I was thinkin' Netflix and doordash unless anybody else got a better idea,” Riri said, walking over to the couch and plopping down. “Booo! Lame. Let's go somewhere,” Shuri replied. She glanced down at you once again. “Don't you think we should go somewhere fun, y/n?”

The last thing you wanted to be was a bummer, so you looked up at her to match her confidence and spoke as if you were sure of yourself. “We should.”

When getting ready, you and Riri were polar opposites. Riri always planned her outfits beforehand, and was ready within 15-30 minutes. Shuri was already ready when she stepped out of her own house, which just left the both of them sitting waiting for you to figure something out. Riri sat back on the bed scrolling on her phone with her hand supporting her chin. Shuri, on the other hand, was closely observing and giving feedback to everything you threw on, and you couldn't tell if it was speeding up the process or making it slower and more grueling.

“You look idiotic," Shuri scoffed, chewing obnoxiously on her gum. “Take that off.”

You rolled your eyes and let out a sharp huff. “Then what the fuck do you suppose I wear, Miss ‘Monochrome Tracksuit’? You aint got no style originality, ion wanna hear it.”

Your comment mixed with Shuri's melodic laughter caused Riri to glance up from her device for a moment, but you weren't looking back at her.

“Ouu, ouch,” Shuri said, grabbing her chest in a dramatic manner. She stood up and made her way beside you in the closet, picking up hangers and studying how the clothes on them would look on you. “Hmm, I like this green on you,” she muttered in an almost whisper,

For the first time, you'd heard Shuri say something genuinely nice to you. You looked up at her, then down at the long dark green skirt she had held up to your waist. “Okay...”

You searched through your drawers and after some criticism from Shuri, found simple white lace tank top. “Oh yeah, that's the one,” she nodded. “Shows off that cool birth mark, too.” It was the burn from earlier, not a birth mark, but you could work with that. You leaned to the side so that your girlfriend was now in your line of vision. “What do you think, Ri?”

It took her a while to realize you were trying to talk to her. Her eyes were glued to her phone and a goofy smile was plastered on her face. You stood pathetically waiting for her to notice you. Shuri watched from beside you as you were just blatantly being ignored by your own girlfriend. She cleared her throat to get her attention for you; no response. A tinge of anger flickered across Shuri's face for a split second, which made you furrow your brow. “Riri," she said firmly.

At this point, it seemed like it was almost on purpose. Riri was apparently deaf once again and laughed softly at something on her phone, flipping a switch in Shuri's brain. She immediately legged it over to Riri and snatched the phone out of her hands.

“What could possibly be so distracting?” Shuri mumbled through her teeth at Riri.

“Give me my shit back, Shuri.”

“You could at least pay attention to your girl? Look at how good she looks.”

Shuri motioned to you, then tossed Riri's phone back at her.

Riri shut off her phone and laid it face down on the nightstand. “You look good baby,” she said grinning and studying your body. “Where the rest of the shirt at though?” she joked, staring at your bare belly and the dangling chain hanging from your piercing. You smiled slightly, still thrown off by the way she had ignored you before. “Thanks, Ri.”

“She's right,” Shuri butted in. “That skirt compliments you very well.”

Your smile only got wider. Shuri was different than when you last saw her. Personality wise of course, because you and her were never really fond of each other at the beginning of you and Riri's relationship, but she also looked a bit different. She had an unfamiliar glow to her this time around. You saw a glimmer in her eye, a kinder and more welcoming one. She was still a little crude and excessively playful, but she was definitely easing up on you, and pretty quick.

•••

You found yourself squeezed in the back of Riri's small red Volkswagen Beetle with Shuri, because Riri absolutely refused to ride out in her dad's car. “Mhm, well yall gon sit here and not do shit or y'all gon get in the car,” she said before swerving off with you two. And there you two were, practically on top of each other. “God, Shuri, your cologne is so fucking strong,” you groaned, pushing against her firm body. “You're fine, just hold your breath,” she replied as she rolled her eyes. You leaned forward in between the two front seats so that Riri could see you better. “How much longer until some fresh air?” you asked, peeking over her shoulder. She was looking at a text on her phone before quickly turning it off and stuffing it back in her pocket. “A few minutes.”

You raised your eyebrow at her jumpiness regarding her phone, but pushed it aside and leaned back into the cushions. The few minutes she promised were going by painfully slow, and you were starting to get an ache in your lower back from the way you were sitting. Shuri noticed your discomfort and maneuvered her body into a criss-cross position, allowing you to rest your back up against her. “Comfortable?”

That singular word made your ears perk up like a dog. You nodded, smiling softly.

Riri adjusted the rear view mirror so that she could see the both of you nice and clear. She cleared her throat.

“Ya'll been getting along well,” she said.

Shuri turned to you, an amused look on her face. You weren't going to laugh, but the way she was looking at you would've made everything in the world funny. A chuckle escaped your lips before you playfully shoved Shuri, then turned your attention back to your girlfriend. “What's that supposed to mean, Ri?”

“Nothin', I'm glad.”

Her eyes were practically burning holes into you. “We're here.”

You pulled up in front of a old-school type club. You saw out of the window of the car that smoke was pouring out of the doors as the bouncer opened them to let people in. “Ouu, I love this place,” Shuri giggled. “Wait,” you announced as Shuri hopped out of the car and left the door open so you could exit. “I don't have my ID.”

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

am i the asshole for asking my friend if she had written me a birthday card?

(all names have been changed)

i (17ftm) have a very good friend, alice (17f). we talk daily and hang out often, and love getting each other gifts. my birthday was back in november, but alice was super busy with college applications and didn't have time to write a card to go alongside my gift.

i was pretty sad about that, because i really love getting birthday cards (i have an accordion folder with every birthday card i've ever received) and looking back on them. it's really nice to have physical reminders of being cared for. ive showed alice my folder and told her about this, so she knows how much i love birthday cards. even then, i wasn't super upset, since she was really busy, and she told me she would make me one soon.

alice's best friend, sally (17f), who is a mutual friend of ours, had her birthday a few weeks ago, and before then i was helping her with gift ideas. she mentioned that she already had a card prepared, which was a fourteen page letter about how great she was that she'd apparently been working on for a while. i was maybe a little jealous because she still hadn't given me a birthday card, but i didn't say anything because we were focusing on making sure sally had a good birthday. which she did! i made cupcakes and tamales and we threw her a little surprise party at lunch, it was great.

last week, i texted alice (i was scared i might sound mad if i asked her verbally) and asked if she ever finished my birthday card. she didn't seem super mad, but said that she's always nice to me, so that can be my card.

it's true that she's a lot more verbally affectionate with me than i am with her, because i'm more of an acts of service type of person. so im worried that it was an asshole move of me to ask for her to write nice things about me when i could be nicer to her. im not sure if asking someone to give you a birthday card is an asshole move either.

so am i the asshole for asking for a birthday card?

What are these acronyms?

[hetalia-club]

Giving you this bc ur like, the only hetalia blog i still follow that still posts. But like.

Okay back in 2018-2019(?) i had a pretty big hetalia phase, i watched hetafacts videos n every episode that was on YouTube, i listened to the music on repeat. It was a major hyperfixation before i knew that i was autistic.

For the longest time after i stopped, engaging with hetalia for some reason i would. Cringe really hard whenever i saw anything hetalia related. Like. On ao3 when you go to search things it tells you how to search things and one i got (and keep getting) is like "hetalia tag:f/f" or something idk how proper ao3 searches work. Id like screenshot it and go to my friends n say "it haunts me" or some shit.

But like recently ive been. Embracing that part of my past? I guess? Like. Almost like coming to terms with it? Idk i started having a less bad reaction n like, realized it probably one of the more normal fandoms i was in. I was, cringe, as all kids are, but i was. Happy.

And then like. At a sleepover a few weeks ago, one thing leads to another and im telling my friend abt the songs and how ich leibe is. Just a recipe, and how i used to listen to almost all of the songs. I show them the clip of France trying to get England to sign a marriage contract, America ordering fucking condoms from Russia.

It has been at least 2 weeks since, and i can feel the hyperfixation coming back, half the music ive been listening too again is hetalia character songs (theyre so fucking good???) and ive been getting. Urges to watch the show and. I dont know how to feel or what to do?? Like. I'm afraid almost to get back into hetalia? Like i watched black butler a while ago, and i realized how. Theres some weird fucking tension between ceil n sebastian n i think im afraid im going to have that same reaction to hetalia?

Cause like there is shit i just completely forgot about. Like. The Bad Touch Trio. And im scared man.

Im sorry to fuckin, give you all of this, but i just. I dont know what to do ig. None of my friends like or used to like hetalia, the one i do info dump hetalia stuff too does not like hetalia and is learning shit about it against their will.

Idk, should i watch the show again? Is it, good? I genuinely can't remember anymore.

Sorry for using ur ask box like a confessional

I mean I’m right there with you man. The sole reason I am still in the Hetalia fandom is because hetalia got me through some real dark chapters and events in my life. I discovered Hetalia years ago in Highschool while with a very abusive ex who had to know everything I was doing at any given time. He wouldn’t let me go anywhere without him there. I tried to break up with him but he actually wouldn’t let me. He would threaten to off himself if I did so I felt bad because his mom was an alcoholic and his houses burned down. I stopped really going anywhere at all because if I did he would come with me and he ruined my relationships with most of my friends just by being ‘the worst’. I stopped cheerleading, I got depression really bad, I started to do terrible in all my classes but I discovered Hetalia while on deviant art and was instantly intrigued. It was like “idk what this is but I will now make it my personality”

Years later while with my most recent abusive Ex that I just broke up with last November I got back into Hetalia when our relationship started to get really bad and hard to cope wit on my own. I needed an escape and something to help me avoid him and no care so much about his insults something that I could think about instead of being sad all the time. Hetalia is something that just brings me joy. Instead of venting to people, getting therapy or increasing my meds Hetalia was just always there to go back to and escape. No idea what it is about it. Won’t go into details about the relationship, it’s irrelevant right now but I’m sure you can guess.

To answer your question, no Hetalia isn’t ‘good’ it makes zero sense and is confusing as hell. But for me it’s fun to use as a spring board for basically any kind of AU I could think up. The characters can fit into any type of situation you want to shove them in.

I would say give it a rewatch, as much as you want anyway. What is the worst that could happen? You continue an interest that brought you joy? Worst case. You are a bit cringe? Who cares if you are cringe if you are happy? Also not encouraging you to live a double life but if you are embarrassed to like Hetalia you don’t actually have to tell anyone how obsessed with it you are. No one but my ex knows how much I like Hetalia and he really has no idea just how deep I am in this shit. But if people knowing about one of your interests humiliates you then just don’t share it. At the end of the day it’s your comfort and it makes you happy it’s no one’s business.

There are a lot of old fandom tropes that have disappears the BTT being one of them. They put them as a group still but I guess they call it ‘bad friends ti’ now. There are still some things that make me side eye. But that’s every fandom I feel. You can choose who you wish to associate with and who you want to block or avoid. It’s your blog you don’t own an explanation to anyone.

Personally I don’t interact much with the people of the fandom itself I got a few people it talk to every now and again but really i just do my own thing. I write my own fics for myself. I got my little tumblr, discord and TikTok, I post about my little AUs and dumb thoughts and continue on. If people want to follow me that’s great, welcome. If they don’t that’s cool to!

Thanks for sticking around with me even after your Interest in Hetalia fizzled out tho haha! That had to be difficult I am very annoying at times I’m sure 😭.

Again worst thing that could happen than if you are a bit cringe. But not being cringe is boring as hell. Irl I’m one of the most normal bitches you could find. Carbon copy white girl. Absolutely no one would guess I were a Hetalia obsessed loser irl. In a line up you could not pick me out and guess my interests. So in February I got my hair done right? I got like. 500 dollar biolage it fades from brown to strawberry blonde. Want to know the reason I got this hair style? Because of Italy that’s why. I wanted red hair like him. Did I tell anyone that? No. When people said they liked my hair and asked me why I went red I would just go “idk just felt like it” but I would be thinking about him knowing the real answer.

Good luck anon, if you stick around welcome back the water is fine. If you don’t can you toss me that life vest up there if you don’t mind? Thank you!

[tunaababee]

gonna get really sappy and DEEPLY tmi/personal about twenty one pilots on main so im gonna put it under a cut. i am cringe but i am free and clancy tour coming up is giving me Feelings

i've been a top fan since 2016. i initially had some resistance to them bc it was when Stressed Out was at its peak and like, yall know how oversaturation goes. even if its good, its fucking annoying by proxy. all the 12/13 year olds at my high school were into it. i was turning 17. and it was a really fucking rough year.

i've been deep into homestuck since i was about 14/15, but by age 16 i had branched out into text-based rp and met a guy from italy who i kind of had a situationship with i guess?? at the time?? idk if that's what the kids call it. (whenever i describe how many relationships ive had, i count this one as a 0.5) anyways. it eventually got to a point where he was emotionally abusing me for a period of about four months. it was brief, but intense, especially since im a fucking lovesick lonely teen at this point who doesnt know any better. he lovebombs me, talks to me and acts like i am his girlfriend, gets jealous and shitty if i talk about other people, but then the moment he goes and does the same shit i get told i'm the reason he was depressed, im the reason for his problems, etc. until he calmed down and placated me and won me over again. over and over, regularly, for four months. it was a lot for my little developing brain to handle.

i know people have had it longer, have had it worse, but it really left a lasting impact. i was left with a litany of abandonment issues, and self-esteem and image that was already bad was buried dead in the fucking ground. i wanted to die every single fucking day for those four months. he even told me, as i began to question my sexuality properly, that i couldnt be bi 'because i liked him'.

but he LOVED twenty one pilots. would quote their shit regularly. wore the merch. all that stuff.

by 2016 i'd managed to see clearly enough and have enough support from friends that i felt comfortable cutting him and his circle off permanently. and it was fucking hard. i didn't have a lot of irl friends at the time and it felt like my only support network. after i finally left, i was desperate to feel some semblance of control, take something back, my own personal little 'fuck you' i could carry in my heart.

with all the hype around them, i gave top a try. slowly eased my way in. i knew i was hooked when i heard Holding On To You for the first time. it made me feel like i could take back that control and find a light at the end of the tunnel.

i consumed everything they had put out after that. i saw them live at emotional roadshow sydney 2017, i was turning 18. i made so many new friends. i felt such hope in my heart. i sobbed so fucking hard when they played HOTY. they weren't the only reason i made it through, itd be naive to contribute everything to them when i've done a lot of work and so have the people around me, but they were like a lifeline to hold on to when things were hard.

i went and saw them again in 2018 for the bandito tour. i made my own outfit and was surrounded by people who had done the same. i made more friends, had more adventures. i was dropping out of high school the year that Trench released due to having the worst mental health i'd had probably since my abuse and felt so lost but it helped me feel a little more stable and grounded. like that light was still there.

a lot has happened since. i'll be 25 when i go see them in November, once again at Qudos Bank Arena in sydney. i'm in a happy relationship with someone i love who respects me. i'm doing things that make me happy. i'm happy. i've felt and experienced and lived and loved and lost and done so so so much since i was a scared 16 year old hearing them for the first time. i've gotten piercings and tattoos, something i never thought i'd do, and put their work permanently on my body. i'm so proud every time i see my tattoo on my arm. i genuinely love and accept myself exactly as i am, which is something i NEVER thought i'd do.

having Clancy come out nine years to the day from blurryface, an album that has been so deeply important to me in a lot of ways, gets me real misty. this entire tour gets me so misty. i didn't think i'd live past 18 at BEST. but i'm here and i'm fucking happy.

genuinely cannot emphasise how much this album and this tour means to me. i plan on getting a Clancy tattoo once the album comes out and i've had some time to sit with it. it feels very full circle, i guess. hearing Next Semester has just had me thinking about this constantly and all weepy all the time haha. but a good weepy.

i cannot fucking wait to scream in a stadium full of people again in a way that heals my heart.

[skadream]

happy ummm 8th month on t? (9th if i were actually on t continuously but i ran out for a month that one time) i used to do monthly t updates on tiktok but i dont rlly feel like doing that rn so i'll yap about it here (its actually wild how little stuff i have about my transition on my tumblr generally speaking? as if this isnt the website that transed my gender in the first place)

it really is hard to notice such gradual changes from month to month, especially if its just me lookin at myself, compared to seeing a doctor in person which, i am getting rx'd T thru telehealth currently as my nearest planned parenthood or even a neighboring one does not actually do gender affirming care which is. insane and whack. esp when i do live in a pretty populated county maybe second or third to nyc and albany area. and i have to call in to a pp THREE HOURS BY TRANSIT from me. but like, its been working for now ok!

mentally and emotionally ive been very up and down overall but i think thats largely due to my medication changes rather than hormones. ALTHOUGH. when i ran out for a month in november and my period came back... dude it was so horrible like genuinely the worst period of my life. its one of those things where i didnt realize just how dysphoric something could make me feel until i had a taste of being able to alleviate said dysphoria. so mentally speaking testosterone is probably pulling the mental train even more than the wellbutrin lol. and im trying not to account too much for circumstance/environment cuz like OBVIOUSLY if things were going smoothly for me there a lot of my emotional issues would be at least somewhat relieved, but im working with what i got.

physically, since starting t in july i have lost weight. at first i was very scared it was my medication, and i think a part of it was at least a little, like two of my meds can cause some weight loss, but i am no longer losing weight in a concerning way but just yknow the regular amount of daily fluctuation. so i do think a lot of my weight loss was due to hormones just shifting around my fat and all that, or something idk lol. everyones so diff with hormones, i know some trans guys gain weight on t and not necessarily from muscle training, i know girls on e who have lost weight without any changes to diet or exercise, it really depends so as always, this is just my experience etc etc

i do have more facial hair but its still quite patchy, i think i might start filling in my stache tho. with my shitty goatee, its not my fav so i shave it off when im not just sitting inside all day, but also idk it makes my chin feel less. round. or smth. i do always think of my one friend telling me ill look like the lead singer of a nü metal band and honestly maybe i should start giving that energy more anyway! embrace goatee lifestyle!

oh yeah my voice dropped in like the first two months and has gotten deeper since, and on timtom i talked a lot about wanting to maintain the vocal range i had pre-t? i dont think thats fully possible like i think the highest notes i used to reach are just inaccessible to me, but i think if i did some like vocal singing warmups i can get back up to reach those higher notes. in retrospect the way ive sung my whole life has actually prob been destructive on my voice, partly from lack of proper training and partly intentionally trying to sound deeper and more gravelly, but now that i can access deeper sounds more naturally i really do wanna work on singing in a better way where i can reach some of those notes.

overall yea im liking whats happening so far, i do wish it was happening faster but i understand that some people dont get the progress ive gotten for like, YEARS, and new progressions will be happening to me for years after today. if you think about "real" puberty, it is a gradual shift its not like you suddenly grow a chest as soon as you Bleed or whatever its different for literally every person and since im the only one in my family that i know of who has done this, im kind of a guinea pig. but like im okay with that! anyway yeah really recommrnd testosterone if u want it i like it :)

[pepprs]

ok so updates w more detail now that i have a little more time to think / write it out. ik it’s silly / tmi to do this on tumblr dot com but whatever lol

i am 90% sure im going to rhode island for a conference in october. this one ive known about for a while and it’s not a big deal bc im not presenting or anything and i’ll know a lot of ppl there and the topic / contrnt / theme is completely in my wheelhouse so i will not be alone and i’ll be in the know abt stuff. lole

i am… 60% sure im going to chicago for a conference in november. and presenting. and i’ll be the only one from my team there. and this will be at a huge like… convention type thing in a field that is not mine and i won’t know anyone there except the other delegation members who will likely all be from the same department. it’s 5 days (!!!) and idk if i’ll be there the whole time but i kinda want to be even if most of it won’t be relevant to me bc.. like id be going alone bc everyone wants me to develop confidence and stuff and realize i can do it and represent us independently. and i want that. but im also fucking terrified in part bc this would be my first time traveling independently since brighton (so like in almost 4 yrs lol). also i have been to chicago before (in 2018 for a different conference) so im scared to like. revisit that. but also excited. like what if i meet someone? but what if im being pushed into this or pushed away? idk and now i can’t focus or articulate myself well bc there’s too much noise and everyone is trying to talk to me (i need to actually be doing work b it im typing this instead bc im freaking the fuck out over all these developments lol). anyways

also…….. i am……. 60% sure i am going to. take a graduate level course this semester. on mondays from 4:30-7. and then apply to be part of that masters program it’s in starting in the spring and ahve that class + a possible winter class count towards the credits. and it would take me 3 yrs to finish the masters. i don’t want one for the sake of havign one and i REALLY don’t want to be in the hell of being torn away from work and self care to do school stuff. but i need a masters degree and have had my eye on this program since i was a sophomore in undergrad and it seems kinda meant to be a little bit. and i get 100% tuition remission bc i work here LOLLLLL so it’ll be completely free which is huge!!!!! and it’s like why the fuck not if i have this opportunity but also im so scared and idk if im cut out for grad school due to my mental illness (unironically lol). help

also i switched desks this week and now i sit where my old supervisor (and my new supervisor / her successor LMAO) sat and this one colleague i have in a different dept who is the sweetest person EVER keeps commenting on it and saying im my old supervisors protege and that im the new her and. it’s making me want to scream a little bit but idk if it’s in a good way or bad way

[carmenpeach]

ive said it lots before but i feel its good to talk about on my little blog but its just so weird to me how badly antipsychotics affected me and how long it lasted even after i quit them. on one hand i thought "well i can try it and if i dont like it i can quit and go back to how i was" but i didnt know it would take almost a year to be myself again, and not just in the terms of being insane. i felt like i lost my passion, drawing had little interest in me and it was so hard to draw, i struggled to get out doodles, so much of my sketchbook is half of a simplified face or just odd proportions or weird lines. like back until november 2022 and prior i felt top of my game, i was filling sketchbooks and happy with almost all my drawings and i feel i was as skilled as i needed/ wanted to be, but it was a hard downhill and im still working on getting to that level again. but moreso i lost my passion for everything else too, like i felt detached from my special interests, i hardly played any video games too.

like sure i wasnt paranoid or filled with dread every time it was silent or i was alone for more than 30 seconds and i wasnt hallucinating and my nightmares and insomnia calmed down and i wasnt having panic attacks every day and wasnt constantly angry, but what did it matter if i felt detached from it all. i always thought i didnt want to live like that but i didnt know what it was like to live without it and its weird and i hated it. i remember the exact moment too when it hit too. i think i was just changing my clothes and suddenly this clarity washed over me, and it was so weird and confusing. one way ive always somewhat described my schizophrenia was this feeling, like another me inside of me, right in my spine and the base of my head, right behind me and always there, and i could never figure out the emotion that came from her (not sure why but i/ we used she/ it for her) but it felt something akin to malicious, like in a way it hated me in a way and wanted to be the front center one, like sometimes i could feel it dragging at me like it would win. and so recently a lot of my symptoms have returned but that one still isnt back yet but since ive been slowly regaining my other symptoms im sure itll follow suit. and so this last year ive been in this panic over this, since that was always a part of me as long as i can remember, this other me. and to have that ripped away i feel like an empty person. she was literally half of me and its lonely now. like i know this is a silly way to say it and i sound like a cartoon character, but its kinda quiet up there. but i hate it. so ive spent this last year feeling like my identitiy as a person was just washed away and suddenly i was a new person in a way, and just being so scared ill never be who i was again. i even spent a good chunk of time trying to trigger psychotic episodes but to no avail. all that to say is, im almost myself again and i dont feel so miserible being different now that im getting back to how i was, and im not worried this other half wont return since now i know it will

[anonymus7277272626672]

the falling part of the rollercoaster

A year ago i was miserable, completely and utterly miserable and i had planned my suicide for years i was self harming every day and i hated myself more than any other emotion, i wasnt myself anymore i was a rotting peel of what i couldve been. i was doing so bad and every day i encountered a new low. But then i found a friend, i found love and i truly truly foudn love in her, she has been a beacon of hope ever since she truly saved my life but not only that but she planted hope in my again, she quite literally saved me from my depression just from existing. Then the first tragedy struck, i was down 40 kgs (i was 140 before and after getting out of my depression i focused on that a lot), i was taking a gap semester before going to college and i was cured of my depression and was on my journey, my dog died and it felt like a punch to the stomach, like if mmike tyson went berserk and hit me with all his power. for almost a month i cried and i little by little started to realize i could deal with it i could learn from it and take it as a jumping pad to grow to be a better person. Then my dad died, november 24 2022, everything i had worked so hard to build was destroyed, at 19 and very unexperienced and with a very incomplete relationship with my dad and at the most unexpected moment and time with no warning my father died, a few months prior i had decided to keep distance from him cause i was scared of whatever ive always been afraid of, i miss him so much and even after all these months and trying so hard i always get back to step one ¨hes not proud of me and he wasnt and i have completely let him down¨ and ¨its all my fault¨ i hate how i feel about this and i hate he died and no one can understand the pain and the emotions i feel, no one not even therapists or friends whove lost parents no one understands it and i hate it so much. Then my other dog died and i just couldnt, i had one of the worst anxiety attacks ive ever had and i was with my girlfriend of 5 years at the time i was told and she didnt seem like she cared about that or anything else that was going on with me and i had never felt so alone, my two dogs had been with me for 14 years and i loved them so much and now i lost them both. Then a bit later my girlfriend of 5 years left me, plain and simple didnt love me anymore, she didnt really care for me anymore i could tell and she broke me truly, cause her goodbye kind of signified a true change in my life because now i would truly realize i was alone, she had someone else already and i was the luckiest motherfucker to have her and i never did deserve her but yeah she left me alone and i begged her to stay at first then garnered all my strength and said ¨if that is truly how you feel then i wont ask you to stay, i just hope you have the best life¨, lifes been hard all by myself. She left me on the first week or so of my first semester in university and through the first six months i was truly alone, i made no friends and lost most of them so i was genuienly deeply lonely with no one to care about me or for me so i just suffered and cried alone mostly. Then i was shot at twice (they didnt hit me but it hit me very deep cause it was clsoe to my home and i almost died right outside my house if not for a bush i hid in) and the next day i was sexually harassed and that traumatized me horribly to the point i almost panic everytime a man of similar age speaks to me or when someone wears a red jacket and some words are also pretty big triggers. Then i lost my tortoise jojo (she died because of a parasite) who had been one of my closest beings since the pandemic started and she accompanied me through everything and she died as well. It is now summer and im holding on but i feel myself falling over and over again and standing back up if anything seems harder and harder with every time. i wish i could write more in depth about eveyrhting and i might but not at this hour. if you read this thank you for it i appreciate it and i hope you have a wonderful life.

[vvh0adie]

Aaahhh 💖 I love youuu 💖 how have you been doing? How's drawing and writing going? Did I miss any new updates btw? 😭

lil big life update ig🙃

WRITER LIFE:

i released Strawberry Kisses which is a cute yoongi fic. some mutual masturbation and miscommunication trope👀 its my most liked fic atm. theres even a drabble for this couple.

i’ve been working on a hobi period sex fic thats already 13k for the 1st part, so its a long series🌚

thinking about doing a drug dealer hobi x stripper reader wip. i already have too many wips. and i wanted to do another hopekook series🤦🏽‍♀️

also working on illumi zoldyck fic after starting a rewatch of hxh (1 of my fav animes). two in the works: one with just illumi and another with illumi/machi/shizuku/reader😭 a fourple?

thinking about BTS blog hiatus so i can focus on KCG bc ppl are asking about my All of Us Are Dead fic. so i need to write the second chapter to that.

[more personal below | tw: race relations]

MINOR PERSONAL LIFE:

need to practice driving😐 my bitch ass is 20yrs and cant drive. im a lil scared no lie bcuz memphis drivers are wild😭 i gotta get my license by november or i have to take the permit test over again😰

im finally starting to do technical labs for biotech/forensics🎉 one step closer to my internship!

a little behind on criminal investigation😞

im a little scared how chemistry 2 is gonna go this year. i dont know whats going on😦 im so lost😭

i started my laptop but never opened clip studio😭 i really wanna draw hobi tho. and i need to make stuff for my shop that i really wanna open. i need motivation😞

thinking about learning to code😭 it seems easy; just a lot of words. i wanna design websites. maybe some BT21 themed. now javascript kinda scares me.

MAJOR PERSONAL LIFE:

overall im doing aight so far this year. could be better i think

ive only cried twice this month😀 having some self-image/identity issues and managing to keep my sanity in check with Black History Month after that police brutality murder here in memphis and Ron Desantis bullying the College Board into turning AP Black History into a whitewashed history and Black Conservatism. i feel too hyperaware of the fuckery that is america. it feels like me and every other black person are the only ones really seeing this shit. its tiring and makes me harbor a different kind of hate in my heart for the concept of whiteness that i didnt even know was there. its somewhat hard to see people’s humanity or feel safe around them. i hate to even say this, but since something major happened january, maybe nothing will happen this summer unlike May 2020. im trying to take it one day at a time tho... hehe

you probably weren’t expecting all that but i figured id turn this into a general post😭 sorry if this was too much, even the non heavy stuff. i know when people ask how someones doing they’re prolly asking for something simple but this feels more like a diary entry than anything.

but thanks for asking, not many people do💖 i hope everyone has a kinder year

[kidkintsugi]

tw ed-esque stuff, dysphoria, just my general bullshittery to the max

i want to starve myself again so badly. i want that control back. i lost 10kg almost 2 years ago within 2-3 months tops because i was too depressed to eat. i still look in the mirror most days and gag.

i wonder if i would look any more masculine if it werent for the fat on my hips.

i hate myself so much for thinking this way and im scared that even if i do starve myself my bone structure will give me away as afab anyways. its so fucking unfair no matter what i do i look feminine.

ive been working out since november last year and while i can FEEL my arm has grown more muscle, its still hidden by all the fat. im so ashamed of myself.

also completely different topic but i started considering pretending to be in a relationship so people finally fuck off lol. or trying out to be a more unlikeable person maybe? maybe then theyll stop clinging to me.

i feel so stupid.

[blu3ming-hoon]

I posted 185 times in 2022

That's 39 more posts than 2021!

59 posts created (32%)

126 posts reblogged (68%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@blu3ming-hoon

@jdevil

@emeraldenha

@hooned

I tagged 47 of my posts in 2022

#rin speaking when she shouldn't 🤐 - 24 posts

#enhypen - 17 posts

#sunghoon fluff - 14 posts

#park sunghoon - 12 posts

#sunghoon x reader - 11 posts

#enhypen imagines - 10 posts

#sunghoon angst - 10 posts

#enhypen fluff - 10 posts

#enhypen x reader - 9 posts

#enhypen smau - 8 posts

Longest Tag: 63 characters

#i usually have sunghoon as my walllpaper but she looked cute 🙁

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

navigation !

See the full post

7 notes - Posted June 4, 2022

#4

in my dreams - TEASER

PAIRING: sunghoon x fem!reader

GENRE: highschool au, fluff ig 

WARNINGS: sunghoon is sorta ignorant he doesn’t really pay attention to people ig, y/n is kinda creepy if you think about it, bit of cursing, me trying to be a good writer. me also trying to be funny

CAMEOS: park jongseong (ENHYPEN), sim jaeyun (ENHYPEN), park jisung (NCT), kim chaehyun (KEP1ER), shin ryujin (ITZY)

INSPIRATION: in my dreams - red velvet

lowercase intended !!

—————————————

SYNOPSIS: lee y/n has been crushing on park sunghoon ever since their middle school days, she writes about him everyday in her personal diary about how handsome and nice he is, and how she dreams about being with him one day, but she’s too scared to talk to him. her friends always insisted on her at least saying a “hi” to him but she couldn’t. one day sunghoon so happened to be passing by y/n’s locker and sees a small baby pink journal on the floor, he couldn’t help himself but to pick it up and take a peek, from then on he reads about her made up scenarios and cute descriptions of him. sunghoon couldn’t help but to start noticing you and started to dream about loving you the way you love him.

—————————————

NOTE FROM RIN !! :

hello!! this is my first ever writing work I hope it’s good enough for you all to enjoy, I might find myself posting this around the weekend or next week. please be on the look out for it!! though i am scared to start writing i hope it reaches out to the right audience and many people like it! also this might be the ugliest banner I have ever seen and made omg HELP. i’m so sorry about the banner 😭…

POST: HERE

42 notes - Posted April 1, 2022

#3

ACCIDENTAL SELCA : PROFILE FILE 1 (bitchless cupids 🫶❌)

See the full post

44 notes - Posted November 12, 2022

#2

# park sunghoon — maybe today so bad

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136 notes - Posted June 5, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

GENRE : fluff, crack, smau

PAIRING : idol!reader x idol!sunghoon

SUMMARY : you’re the main vocalist of a girl group called “CUP1:D” and unironically the owner of a very popular fan page for ENHYPEN’s Sunghoon on Twitter, one day you post a couple of selfies for your fans to see on your official group Twitter but it turns out that you posted them on the wrong account, but it was too late.

FEATURING : ive’s leeseo and wonyoung, aespa’s winter, new jeans’ hanni, le sserafim’s chaewon

WARNINGS : profanity, me trying to be funny, also me trying to not be dry since im a dry texter irl and these are fake texts 😧

UPDATES : ??

NOTE FROM RIN : DO NOT COME FOR ME FOR THE BANNER I TRIED MY BEST PLS.. I JUST SUCK AT MAKING BANNERS HELP ME 🙏🏼 all the things I’ve made on this account so far are sunghoon things but it’s not my fault he’s so fine. I’ll also fix the summary later since I don’t think I’m using English grammar correctly.. 🤓 #newera

See the full post

397 notes - Posted August 28, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[monpetitange]

Since the last week of november ive been busy almost everyday. Ive either helped at home with Christmas preparations or ive been working. Its been alot and I havent really had a free day. And since me and my boyfriend have different scheduals we havent really had time to talk, or well its probably mostly on my end ;v; but this have sadly let to me overthinking alot... Like I feel a bit worried when he havent text me in hrs bc i start to think his mad at me or i annoyed him, which isnt true. And whenever i wanna call i get cold feets. Like this weekend where i really wanted to talk to him or watch a movie, i got gold feet bc i saw him play wow and cod and I didnt want to bother him, again this is all on me bc my brain and I arent friends. But im working on it, im just very scared to annoy people or make them feel like im a burden to them ;v; so here i am in bed, regretting that i never called him ;v;💔on the bright side i will see him in just 3-4days but still!

[nonjuxtaposed]

.

[zhuhongs]

literally honestly.. i dont wanna go back to retail after camp is over. i dont wanna do any job at all. i want to be gone. i cant think of any enriching form if employment once this is over. i think im done working with kids for a while. i cant connect anymore. i cant. that year of teaching teaching really broke me. i just dont want to put myself closer to any of those kids. im too aware of what happened a few months ago. i love those kids. i love teaching, but ive lost the spirit to do it. i can barely bring myself to really talk to them. i cant trust that my lessons will go well. im too used to failure that i dont want to be excited abt a lesson for it to fall on its fave. im scared of the uncertainty of it. i have been since like november but ive been pushing it down and trying not to think about it. im finally okay with calling myself an educator but i lack all the soul left in ne to actually educate those kids... its so fucked up

[blissfulparker]

A little more permanent—Tattooartist!Tom

pairings:tattooartist!tom x innocent!reader   Summary: one night you decide to tattoo tom instead of him tattooing you.  Warnings: some sexual themes A/n: this is not a direct part 2 of tattooed heart but it is a spin off of it. I was never going to make this into a series but just little parts that tie together here and there. I hope you enjoy!! also I know I haven't been doing taglists and im sorry! if you want to be tagged in my works send me an ask! and thank you so much to the anon that suggested this title!

You lay on the dark leather couch of the shop that smells like bleach. The sound of buzzing a rock music fills the place and you wait for tom to be done.

It was what your Sunday’s started to look like, at around 6:30 you would make your way down to the shop to pick up tom. He would often times close up so you were stuck here finishing up some homework, reading up on a book, or even just laying there scrolling through your phone.

It was interesting to see the people come in and out anyways, watch what each person is getting and seeing their reactions, you could see why Tom adores his job so much.

“Alright baby, I’m almost done you wanna head to my room?” He’s taking off his gloves and throwing them into the nearest bin.

You nod closing up your bag as you follow him into his office. You sit down in the tattoo chair and wait for him to clean up. You look over and see a framed picture of the two of you at the beach last month. His arms are wrapped around you and he’s planting a kiss on your cheek, Tessa is in the background and you’ve got the biggest smile. 

“Someone asked me if that was my wife today.” He pointed to the picture you were staring at. He’s got his signature cheeky grin as he wipes down the counter.

“Oh yeah? What’d you say?” You already know his answer but want to hear his cheeky response.

“I told him, ‘yeah and that was our honeymoon’.” He says and you let out a soft laugh. You notice how the gun was still not put away and you almost let your fingers run over it. “You want one real quick?” He asks and you shake your head.

“No, I just—what if I did one on you?” You ask him and he’s thought about it, he’s thought about it a lot. The thought of you holding the gun and the thought of you looking so focused as you marked up his skin. He’s lying if he says he’s not turned on by the thought.

“On me?” He asked and you nodded. You sit up and the way you sit causes your skirt to rise up a little more showing some more of your thigh.

“I-I mean ive never done it and-actually it’s stupid pretend I didn’t say anything.” You set the gun back down and go back to how you were sitting before.

“No, no,” he comes over to you throwing the Clorox wipe in the trash. “What were you thinking about?” He moves your legs up to rest them on his thigh as he sits down.

You sit up and grab onto his shoulder for balance. He looks at you with soft eyes, his mouth slightly agape because he wants you to lean in for a kiss but instead he moves his head to kiss the fingers rested on his shoulder.

“C’mon, tell me.” He holds your face and you look down at his fingers.

“I dunno, thought maybe we could do something cute together? I know how much you hate matching tattoos when couples come in to get them and you think they’re stupid but like it wouldn’t be matching it would be more like...more like tattoos that remind us of one another you know?” You spill all your thoughts and he looks at you in shock that you thought all this.

“Like I said! It’s stupid! I know I know!” You flop back onto the chair and he shakes his head as he crawls on top of you. He grabs your hands holding them gently as he presses a soft kiss to your chin.

“I think it’s a beautiful idea.” He kisses again this time on your neck. “Should I get a heart like you?” He let’s go of your right hand and moves it to where your first tattoo is, his work of art is.

“Up to you.” You move your head back to give him more acess and he kisses once again but chuckling on your collarbone making you shiver.

“Up to me? Darling this is your idea, where do you want it?” He argues and you look over at his hand, his left hand, his ring finger naked as could be. If he ever wanted to cover the tattoo up with a ring he could, he didn’t have any tattoos on his hand anyways and you loved his hands.

“Your finger.” You spoke and he looked up. His lips red from kissing you and his hair stopped tickling your chin. “Your left ring finger.” You tell him and he looks over at his finger. The reason he didn’t do his hands because he knew it’d fade faster and he didn’t really have any ideas for a hand tattoo.

“My finger?” He looks up at you nervous as could be. “My marriage finger?” He smirks and you nod. He knew your little plan, your innocent, loving, but slightly dirty plan.

“Mmh,” you nod and sit up. He sits up as well and is face with you. “You don’t have any tattoos there.” You tap your fingers against his hand as they’re being held.

“I guess I don’t.” He kisses your neck one more time before letting go of your hand and moving to the gun. Pulling out a fresh new needle to be used.

“R-Right now?” You sit up and he looks at the clock.

“It’s my shop, it’s closed, yeah.” He assembles the gun and opens up a new set of ink. He goes over to make the sketch and applies it to his finger.

“Tom, if you don’t wanna go through with this it’s okay. Honestly I won’t be offended if you don’t wanna-“ you start and he comes over and takes your spot on the chair.

“I do want to though. I only hate couple tattoos because most of the couples that come in I know they won’t be together in a year. Most of them are yes like us, young, in love, blinded by each other, but I also can just tell they won’t be together by the end of this year. Most of the tattoos they want are ugly anyways.” He shrugs and you laugh a little.

“Hey, I saw a couple leave once with a lock and key tattoo. I thought that was cute.” You told him and he lets out a ‘pff’ noise.

“Yeah, if they didn’t get so much shading it would be cute.” Tom flicks on the gun to test it and it makes you jump. “Are you sure you wanna go though with this?” He asks seeing how scared you are.

“Yeah, it was my idea.” You carefully take the gun from him and he now instructs you on what to do next.

“Okay, okay, wipe down the skin.” Tom instructs you as you carefully grab a cleaning wipe. Wiping down the dry skin with a cold wipe already made tom sink into the chair.

“When was your last tat?” You asked him realizing he hadn’t gotten one since you two been together.

“Before we started dating? Like November before we started dating. It’s of the rose.” He reminded you of the rose on his chest that looks angelic. The rose that you loved kissing over and leaving scratch marks just below.

“I love the rose.” You remind him and he laughs.

“I know you do.” He smirks and moves your hand to rest the gun gently over his skin. “Now, you wanna be careful. Don’t press too hard okay? It can go right through the skin and cause and infection and we don’t want that.” His eyes are serious and you are too.

“Promise to tell me if it hurts you?” You say with all seriousness and he knows that. You’re so sweet to him and it’s almost like you forgot that there’s almost twenty other tattoos on him that hurt way more than his finger.

“I promise.” He leans down and kisses your forehead before you start. “Alright, turn it on.” He tells you and you do so casuing him to flinch a little just at his nerves.

“Now just follow the outline sweetheart.” He instructed you and you do as told. You look up and see him with his eyes closed. That was one thing, Tom could never watch the needle on his own skin, he could only watch the needle on others.

“I’m hurting you!” You announce to him and he shakes his head ‘no’.

“No, you’re not. Keep on going sweets.” He tells you and you cringe as you finish up the tattoo. Seeing his skin redden and how his eyes are closed makes you cringe the hardest you’ve ever had.

You finish up the tattoo, it’s a little bit wider than your heart and definitely a little longer but it’s still adorable and you’re actually proud of yourself.

“I-I’m done.” You look at it with pride. He opens his eyes and looks down and sees the most beautiful tattoo yet. He loves it, he wasn’t going to tell you it was a big messy because he loved it. He loved that you did it, he loved that you thought of it and the only way he would be covering it was with a wedding band.

“It’s beautiful.” He stares at it for a moment and for that first time you got that the feeling tom did after he’s done with with a patient. The feeling of accomplishment and the feeling of pride. “Baby, it’s beautiful.” He leans in for a kiss and you proudly kiss him back.

“You like it?” You smile and he gets up to go patch it up himself.

“It’s the best tattoo I’ve got.” He tells you and then looks over at the clock again. “Let’s get going yeah?” He picks up your bag for you and follows you out of the room shutting off the lights and locking the door behind him. His hand is softly resting on your lower back as you both make your ways out of the the shop.

You grab your keys getting in the car and getting yourself situated. He’s looking at the tattoo still admiring it. Even if you knew it wasn’t the best it was still something that meant a lot to tom.

He reaches over and rests he free and good hand on your thigh. Almost causing you to slam on the breaks feeling his hand on your bare thigh.

“You should tattoo on me more often, darling.” He rubs soft circles with his thumb.

“Oh no, that was just that time. I hurt you.” You pouted and he shook his head.

“No, no,” he kissed your cheek. “I just don’t like watching it done to me. I would’ve told you sweetheart.” He watched you calm down as he told you that.

You reach over when you’re at a stop light for his hand. You take the finger and bring it up to your lips giving it a soft kiss, you make eye contact with tom the whole time when you kiss it causing shivers down his spin. You watch him tremble under your touch until you are interrupted by the sound of the car behind you slamming its horn.

“All better?” You tease like the first time he did your tattoo. You will never forget that night, that cold london night when you were all alone getting your first tattoo. Nervous as hell walking in with the only intent being to impress your friends proving you could be good too. That though, was a year ago. Now you have been with tom for a year and loved every second of it. Moving him with him, starting a life with a boy you never thought you’d meet.

“You’re going to be the death of me.” He breathes out pushing his hair back as he watches you just drive.

Nighttime drives were the best, on the way home especially. Knowing exactly what would be waiting for you when you got home was sometimes what kept tom through his day. Knowing he’d share the large California king with you. And if you didn’t pick him up because you were at home studying away for an exam he would just about always find you half asleep at your desk and would kiss your forehead before picking you up and taking you to bed.

Pulling up to the complex and making your way up to the flat to be greeted by Tessa jumping on the two of you. You reach down to pet the girl before setting your stuff down and tom pushing you into the counter. Heavy with his kisses as he appreciated your lips and body.

“Mmh, easy there.” You remind him and he breaks off and looks at you.

“You can’t just tease me in the car and expect nothing. I’ve missed you all day.” He kissed some more. You were gone longer than you thought, waking up and leaving him to go to church with your mother and then coming back to do some school work. By the time you came home he was already gone at the shop and you’d missed him by only an hour.

“I’ve missed you more but your eyes are tired and you were practically falling asleep before I did your tattoo bubs.” You hold his face and see his red eyes, the curls coming in and hanging down on his face as you held him. He did look tired and he was. He was extremely tired.

He kisses one more time before moving back. You take his hand and take him to be where you knew the two of you would make out more before falling asleep on top of each other.

And so that’s exactly what the two of you did, you stripped down and always just wore an oversized shirt and underwear to sleep and that’s exactly what you did tonight. Tom doing the same as he came out from the bathroom after brushing his teeth.

“Mmh,” he comes into bed and starts attacking your neck with kisses. “I love you.” He reminds you and you shift to face him. Grabbing his hand with the tattoo again and moving to place it on your face, making him hold your face for a moment before moving the hand slowly down to where your heart was, just right below the Breast he touches the tattoo.

Moving your leg to wrap around his you cuddle in closer and he lets his hand drop to rest on your lower back. Pecking a kiss to his cheek as you lay your head against his shoulder mumbling an ‘I love you’ into his chest. He loved when you mumbled into his chest to feel the smal vibrations of your voice.

Your hand going to touch some tattoos one more time before you fall asleep. Touching the dove that flew on his bicep, to depiction of the family crest just below his shoulder. You let your eyes wander to the butterflies and the rose on his chest, the Roman numerals that are for his grandmother and there were empty spaces but he always tells you he’s leaving those spaces for more important things.

“What if we got married?” He spoke into the emptiness of the room. You perked up from his chest just as you were about to sleep you feel your heart pounding.

“What?” You looked at him as if he was just running off the pure tiredness in his voice.

“Married, like a wedding and then maybe some kids? What if we did all of that when you graduate?” He offers and you can’t help but to smile a little have been thinking about this thought before. You go to grab his hand with the fresh heart tattoo and imagine a ring right over it, just as you thought in the first place.

“A wedding? And some kids?” You say in shock but also happiness. He nods taking your hand to kiss.

“Yeah.” He tells you and you nod but fall into his shoulder.

“Let’s talk about this in the morning, keep our excitement for then.” You go back to staring at his tattoos.

Your parents would be furious if this was the man you were marrying, but your brother did almost the same exact thing—that is marrying someone your parents hated. You knew they’d never be truly happy with tom but you were your happiest with tom and you knew he was his happiest with you and you couldn’t wait to share those moments with him.

[cardboardboxcomplex]

ok since i’m awake and useless, might as well

it’s 4AM on a monday at this point and i do *not* want to go to work. but i have to hhrghshfd HAAAAAA ok breathe . i skipped last week’s shift that i was supposed to go to the lab. i completely disappeared for the *third* time during my two-week wfh shift before that. when we were supposed to do the third quarter report, and the proposal. which are the hardest reports to do, bc they’ll be the basis for renewal next year. but i just ... disappeared again and did not open my emails or messages. again. after i did that twice before. and i had to go through the process of like apologizing to everyone for my absence, and i even decided to tell everyone that i have depression cos i dont know how to explain it ! why am i like this ! and i know it’s not an excuse, and i told them that too. but i just hate everything . okay i think im getting to word dump now. how many times am i going to be so incapable and incompetent? i hate myself so much cos my brain is so fried and i dont want to deal with anything . when was the last time i actually thought deeply or whatever or like read a journal article. and i dont even know what im supposed to be doing anymore.  i feel so sad. oh im crying ok. like im thinking of myself and how do i go on with life, what am i supposed to be doing, what kind of path should i be making. i hate this because i lost years of my life and i keep losing more time. and omfg right the paper. man i didnt even reply to sir’s emails either, and i know ate yana and josh had talked and i was supposed to be there too because im supposed to be the main one to finish her thesis for publication, and it’s already been a year? since she left the lab. had i done anything? i did not

and tomorrow is nov 10, and im supposed to do thesis updates ......... how the fuck am i gonna do that. and i had already missed the first time i was scheduled, bc well the same thing happening now. i was wfh (supposedly) and ate isay had to say my internet connection isnt stable. which wasnt a lie, but it was bc i didn’t do anything. i dont know what im supposed to come up with tomorrow. or if i can postpone it again. SEE THIS IS EXACTLY IT HOW MANY TIMES AM I GONG TO BE INCAPABLE AND INCOMPETENT

i dont know like im scared of being in the lab too and all i wanna do is stay in my room 

but you know what i dont even like my room. i miss my old room, i miss all my books, i miss all the memories i left there as in the physical things i’ve kept because i keep everything. full on bawling now. i miss having everything i’ve kept near me, with me. i miss my desk, i miss having one. and i hate my room because i haven’t cleaned my room in MONTHS. idk since march, since quarantine started? i can barely see the floor and i have to walk around all the bags with all stuff thrown in them. and honestly im just desensitizing (?) myself bc if i think too much if i look too closely im gonna throw up and i hate it i hate it . on that note i’ve been thinking i might in a constant state of dissociation, or at least a shallow one? i never thought i really dissociated bc i didnt really get the feeling of being apart from your body. but because it’s been going on for so long it didn’t even register to me that i’m dissociating because it feels normal or the baseline. and my memory recall is so bad, i don’t remember what happened the previous day. why? because i’m not even doing anything. or idk. also my attention span is non-existent. but the memory thing bothers me because i dont even know if i remember things from before before, in the past, not recently

before i forgot about the room, i was supposed to have pest control last oct 20? and it was scheduled like first week of october so i knew it was coming. but did i clean my room? in those weeks between? i didnt. i’d been putting it off exactly because my room is a mess and id ont want anyone to come in like this. so i had to postpone that too, and the next one is tomorrow. did i clean my room since then? no. what have i been doing? i dont know either. literally rotting away. and i feel so bad cos i m not even doing anything. i dont even know what. i cant get myself to do anything

what if someone helps me clean? i don’t want anyone to help me clean because i dont want anyone to see my room. ate isay was supposed to help me on that sunday or monday before oct 20 but the plan was i was going to start cleaning saturday so at least if she comes up to help, it wouldnt be so disgusting. but yeah i did not clean. and now it’s november. you know the last time i ironed my clothes? september. last year. september 1, 2019. i remember because that was jungkook’s birthday, but also i was ironing when i got the messages from someone when they were leaving me and didnt want (?) to be friends with me anymore. and that broke me really bad. but not the point rn. 

i dont know what else im thinking. oh i miss my friends. kosestream, if you’re reading this, yes i’m thinking of you too, and i’m really sorry. im so sorry ive kept disappearing on you guys for months. i’ve missed you and so many parts of your life, and im really really i wasnt there. and bc i don’t talk with you often, and with my awful memory, i also forget what’s been going on and it makes me feel awful because like i miss all these things about you? i always thought that i had kept tabs on everyone well, paying attention to what you’re doing, ask how things are with you, and now i dont. and im sorry. i always miss you so much, and i love you, and i dont know if that still means anything to you, but it’s still there. so thank you for inviting me to play among us, i liked hearing your voices. and i know you were worried about me (if im wrong this is embarrassing please ignore this) and were trying to cheer me up / offering your support/presence/love/shoulder/hug idk. so thank you. it meant a lot to me (but im sorry my internet was awful. honestly that stressed me out so much and i was gonna give up because i felt annoying and like a huge bother) but okay thank you 

and it’s the same with irl friends, missing things. i thought of it once as everything passing (by) me. like when neos had left for germany, i wasnt there. why? because i was rotting away at home doing nothing. i didnt even get to say goodbye. and just the same with everyone, i havent been talking with anyone. there are so many messages i’ve gotten i haven’t (didn’t) replied to, and it’s like god how are they. 

what else. ah there’s another thing i’ve thought of. but idk i’ll write that next time 

it’s monday, and it’s almost 5am now, i’m supposed to go to work. i have to text ate isay if she’s gonna pass by and pick me up. but i havent slept because i completely fucked up my sleeping schedule. and my room is still a mess. no i did not even try cleaning it even though i had been thinking about it literally every single day. should i just not sleep or should i try getting like an hour of sleep , and hope i wake up (actually, would love to not wake up, ever)

09 Nov 2020, M, 05:02 BTS – Butterfly (Alternative Mix)