#im so so so so tired of never being enough and constantly being emotionally abused/manipulated

[innielove]

i legit might not make it to graduate 😀👍🏻

[lovemelovemenotblog]

Healing from Narcissitic abuse

The below words are an expression of a healing journey I know all too well.  Many women never think they will end up an emotionally abusive relationship or refuse to admit to it. I was one of them. My heart saw what I refused to see. For a while I thought it was my fault, at least that's what he led me to believe. I knew of his past relationships and how he treated women. I knew he was a narcissist, I knew he had a fear of being alone and always needed someone. I believe that people can learn from mistakes and grow. I thought he had. I ended up being just a placeholder until he found his next supply. 

Writing this I don't want people to think it was horrible between us. On  the contrary, He made me feel as if I was the only woman in the room, told me I was it for him, that we understood each other. showered me with gifts, love, trips. we had fun and took care of another, laughed and had great conversations. He was amazing. We moved in together quickly and started discussing marriage in the 3rd year. Why I said no...I think deep down I knew he would cheat. I was scared. As the years went by I brought it up again thinking it's been 8 years clearly he's not bored of me! I'm not saying I was perfect. Most of the arguments were about control. He would make decisions without me and I was supposed to just follow along. anyone who knows me....that ain't gonna happen. we were on the fast track to having the fairytale. Then he started his own business and that slowly began our downfall. stress, money, bills, life. It was a lot. He could not handle it. I tried everything to support him emotionally and financially. doing  anything i could to be positive and plan fun things. This was our rough patch. I thought if we could get through this then we can get through anything. Clearly I was wrong. Over the last few years of us he slowly gaslighted and manipulated me. Jeff  made me believe I was worthless, unlovable, crazy, Stupid and delusional. I started doubting myself. I used the excuse of why he was treating me badly by telling myself its because of his work and sometimes partners are supposed to take the brunt …just a little. but he was taking too much out on me. He would tell me I'm not showing him enough love and etc. So I tried harder. it got to a point that I did give up our last year together. I was tired of being yelled at, crying and stood up all time. I thought maybe if I didn’t do anything he would pick up the slack in our relationship. I knew we were struggling but he said it was because of work and in 2020 we will get back to where we were. That's why I stayed. That's why I held out. I loved this man with my entire soul, he understood me like no other.  In relationships you're supposed to get through the messy times together.  After he left me he was still telling me that maybe within a year we could get back together. I held out hope for a while and then i realized it was just another game, but that was on me for believing. He just wants fun, convenience, chaos and a damsel who will cater to his needs. I'm vanilla, boring and sometimes i just want to watch Netflix and eat Chinese food. I'm not perky and I don't do PDA that much and I got to old for him. Besides it was never going to work with  Jeff sleeping with a 24 year old nd his ex-wife behind my back... too many people in the relationship. I don't regret what we had, but I wasn’t entertaining him anymore and he needs a lot of attention. Now that I'm not in love with him and out from under his drama.  He has no sense of empathy for anyone but himself. He craves attention. Nothing is ever good enough. He's constantly seeking out more rather than appreciating what’s right in front of him.

   Nothing is ever his fault. Sorry is never truly meant. He has no sense of fidelity. When he gets bored he will find a new victim. I realize now this process will never end. You will discard someone like an object rather than a human being because they aren’t providing him exactly what he needs at the moment. He will promise them the world in return for their love. I was definitely not the first, and I will not be the last. I'm glad the new woman in his life told me about them. He was never going to. I pity him. He will always seek out people to fill the void because he is insecure. he will pretend every girl he meets is his new soulmate. He made me feel for so long that I was the bad one, the damaged one, the crazy one. I beat myself up constantly for believing I wasn’t good enough. He  tried his hardest to break the strong, independent, confident woman that he met. And while my heart took a few beatings, he did not break me. I am stronger than him. I’ve already realized I will never get an apology or even an admittance for the way he treated me. I’ve also realized that he will always blame me for everything. This alone has shown me that he will not change. Every failed relationship in his life has an excuse. even if he gets married it will fail.

 weird thing is that a part of me will always care about him, but never forgive. This is my story. It can happen in any relationship. It's not your fault, you could not have done anything different. I tell my story because women feel stupid for letting this happen or don't know how it got that far. Im here to say you're not alone, You loved the person you were with. I was madly in love with Jeff, but Life is unfair. People get knocked down all time, but you have to get back up.  Talk to someone like I did.  Some may call me pathetic or weak for posting this or yet a again get over it, but no-one knows what happens behind closed doors in a relationship. I am officially over him,  I'm just speaking my truth. Just remember you are not nothing no matter how they make you feel.

[mirror-hero-mira-blog]

My Story

This will be mildly depressing but its my story and why i am how i am and all ive gone through it twenty short years

So I will be twenty soon and people keep wondering and asking or praising me for surviving trauma. I’ve decided to explain in full and un censored detail my process, what i went through, my thoughts during it, the effects and how it left me. There are mentions of abuse, sexual assault, depression, domestic violence, suicide, and very dark thoughts so be warned. My memory is also unreliable as i am never sure what is real and what is not before the age of thirteen so im doing my best to recall everything in order, ages wont be exact as i try to repress and just out right can recall them.

My trauma started roughly when i was 7-9. I recall laying in bed and hearing my parents violently shout at one another, about what i cant recall, and crying because i was afraid of an unknown danger. I remember a rift being made in my house, me being lashed out at, and my mother rarely being around the house. Now before i go further i was a shy child who had little friends, i have one younger brother who is two years younger than I, most of my days, or what i can recall, was in my room reading and later playing on my ds once i got one while rarely going outside to play aka catching frogs and bugs. i dont recall much from when it started, i was a smart kid so i think i knew something was wrong but wasnt emotionally or mentally ready to deal with it. 

Now, i was a big daddys girl but i also loved my mom dearly because well shes my mom. One of my clearest memories from this when i realized it wasnt right was my mom showing up to the house and me being so excited since i hadnt seen her in so long i let her in, she hugged me and my father instantly yelled at me and scolded me. i think the next thing was me being sent to my room but thats where it ends. i remember feeling so confused because shes my mom why cant she be home? why shouldnt she be allowed inside? why cant i be happy to see her? thats the last clear memory besides us getting kicked out of that house due to rent not getting paid.

I remember my mom trying to keep calm and smile and she told me “we have to keep stuff packed because we will be moving soon and need to be organized”. Looking back im really happy she tried to keep little me happy and from knowing.She may not have been the best mom but she certainly loved me then as well as my brother. When we were kicked out i recall my dad not being as in a rush as my mom, he seemed tired and to say flat out like he couldnt care less. I was packed up with a few of my things, the rest in a storage unit including my entire child hood, and moved to a different state. 

Me, my family and our dog were moved in with my mothers mom who was by far not the best but i couldnt do much as i was maybe 11-13? I remember her blaming my father for things he didnt do, i remember yelling and violent arguing between my father and my moms boyfriend (my mother and father had separated if you couldnt guess), my mom in the middle yelling at them to not do it infront of the kids. Eventually we moved from there after my grandmother had called the police on them for some reason (i recall it just being a warning or something nothing serious). My mom had broken up with her boyfriend and moved with us, i shared a room with her and my brother shared a room with my father, at this point we had our original dog and 3 dog sisters who we loved dearly (we being me, my mom, and brother). i remember starting to feel what i would come to realize was the beginning of my depression as well as my anxiety, that i had since i was little, beginning to get much worse. I was bullied harshly during this time and barely got by in most of my glasses because of what happened in that house.

i dont know how long i lived in that house but it wasnt incredibly long, 2 years maybe? i know it was half of middle school there with a year or so at my grandmothers. The first little while was calm, i hardly remember much from when we moved in so im assuming it was. I recall playing wii with my mom and watching tv siting of the floor eating pizza, followed by me and my brother playing the wii version of sims ( i recall him learning how to beat the rng and us never playing again). My next clearest memory is more yelling and banging. Violence. Now i wasnt a stupid kid and was much more brazen than i am now, i was a child genius who could quickly deduce what was wrong. I would get into the arguments, stand between my mom and dad to keep him from hitting her, yell that i wouldnt move or let him touch her. yell at him so much my throat hurt. One of my most clear memories is my mom yelling at me to call the police and as i dialed she came in and locked the door telling me to just not. i checked if she was okay and recall hugging her and just siting there afraid not fully being able to understand.

At some point my dad had enough of me and my mom and threw us out of the house, throwing our things as we sat on the bed of her truck, even throwing our two of the 3 dog sisters at us while we waited for the police, now what happened after this makes me realize just how manipulated and emotionally abused i was. My dad convinced me to come home, leaving my mom at my grandmothers. he convinced me my mom was evil and manipulated me using the state i was in to take me from my mom. he talked badly about my mom constantly and eventually his girlfriend moved in. his girlfriend was as bad as him and i recall feeling unwanted. i have a scar on my arm that makes me recall how brazen and unafraid i was at times. The scar was breaking up a fight her dog had started, it attacked my dog sister and she told me to stay out of it as my dog probably started it, i got in the middle picked up her dog, it scratching me deeply across my upper arm and shoved it into her chest. i picked up my dog and took her to my room. i was still bullied during this time, faced the manipulation at home, and started becoming suicidal.

Now this next part is something im not proud of but shows just how far i was into this manipulation and how far i came. My father kid napped me. Him and his girlfriend decided they wanted to move back to her two daughters and away from my mom. my brother was apprehensive but i was a mindless puppet so i did as told as thats what i was raised to do. we packed up in a 48 hour period, me not sleeping for that entire period and were getting ready to leave. i had this large white monkey i had since i was little, it towered over me and i loved it, his name was marvin. i mentioned why we werent bringing him and that we had to because he was our family and even got a bit teary eyed over it my dad said “if you want it that bad we can leave you and dakota (my dog sister) and you can sit on your ass until your mom swings her ass around to get you”, that terrified me so i reluctantly agreed and was taken to a completely different state yet again with the question of “why would he leave me”. i recall not enjoying my time there and my father limiting my mom talking to me so much i dont really recall much more that a phone call, i was kept out of school for a while until one day police came and told them my mom was taking us back. i left with barely any of my childhood possessions yet again with my dad treating it as her taking us by force, i said goodbye to my dogs and promised i would see them again, i never did and never will.

the trip back i screamed, argued and fought my mom and not yet step father. my dad manipulated me well i guess. i calmed down when we got back to my now home state and got the last dog sister ginny, my mom asked my grandmother to watch her, and headed to my moms home. i had trouble suddenly adapting to a some what better environment where i wasnt treated like a mindless child. i was so damaged and i dont think they knew to the extent. 

In these years i was verbally abused by my mom, step father, and brother but they were so much better than my dad despite it. i was reaching my peak depression and had attempted to commit suicide by this point but had failed. at some point i recall them “cleaning” my room, as due to losing nearly everything i owned i clung to things, and burning what they deemed trash it made me have a break down because well just look at what had happened previously to things i owned. in that period i was locked out in the cold, verbally and emotionally abused, treated like i was a piece of shit and that i was worthless and i believed that for so long. my brother had hit me a few times and even started encouraging my suicidal mind set, my parents (which will not be my mother and step father) said it was just him being my brother. Due to my previous trauma i was desperate for friends and to be liked and it have social interactions it led me into some very very toxic friendships and relationships. i had someone who stole my phone and said she just wanted to see what my number was, but had texted my mother iw as stay for a study session when i wasnt. i got home and was brutally yelled at for lying and they yelled the entire time while forcing me to give them all my passwords then calling me out for lying when i gave them the wrong email password by mistake. in the following time period they would check everything i owned, i had to privacy or sense of self. even to this day i hate people touching and looking at my stuff, im still so paranoid ill get in trouble for something. during this time is also when i was first sexually assaulted.

Yes that said first as it happened twice. they both abused my prior trauma that made me a selective mute that disassociates when in stressful situations. i wont go in depth but even years later i couldnt be in the same room with the first without being sick to my stomach. the second was into my junior year of highschool. between that time and the first i was emotionally manipulated, attempted suicide again and failed, became even more depressed and suicidal, and developed more toxic friendships that i now realize only hurt me as they playfully bullied me and only one of that group, who never did, remains my friend or well my best friend as she stayed by me despite not knowing any of my past. i was manipulated into entering a long distance fwb relationship that ruined a good friendship but also helped make me more stubborn towards people who tried to do that. the verbal abuse still happened during this time and my brother got to the point of doing it the worse. my junior sexual assault ended with us breaking up mutually but him getting such a hate towards me that he tried to ruin my life by turning any “friend” against me and brutally harassing me until a girl i respect so much stood up for me, shes getting married and im excited for her and happy i met her despite us not talking. half way through my junior year i began to realize how bad the people i was around most of the time were for me, so i stopped hangin out with them and started selectively being around people who engaged me in conversation and who actually included me. i was still struggling through the tail end of my suicidal spell and my awful depression as well as  ptsd, having nightly flashbacks that often left my crying and having break downs where i just hated myself so much and hated that i couldnt be normal and happy and not annoy my friends with this shit, it caused me to never talk about it and it made it so worse going through it all alone with only my fucked mental state.

my senior year i gained some self confidence and started accepting myself. midway through i had a bad relapse and nearly succeed in killing myself but managed to yell at myself to not as i was holding a handful of pills to my mouth, not even an inch from it. that was my last attempt. 

i struggled still, had relapses, fought with my own head without anyone knowing as it told me they didnt care and i was a burden so i should deal with it by myself as no one deserved that. i hated when who i told felt so bad for me and wished it hadnt happened because it happened and i cant change that no one can and i dont like being seen as sorry and weak. 

over the years until now i tried endlessly and hard to build my self back up and gain some sense of self and try to begin my recovery.

i still relapse, i still think about killing myself, i still have massive anxiety and panic attacks. but im alive and i survived. 

I count the days between relapses, it happens left often. Im covered in scars but no one can see the ones i purposefully caused anymore. I hurt and ach and want to be cared for and want to be loved and have people around me who care for me and who value me. Im working on building myself a supportive circle of friends and trying to become as stable as i can be with what i have.

My family says i dont need therapy and refuse to try to help me get it so when i move out its my first priority, i have ever lasting mental scars from my trauma that wont ever go away but im slowly learning to live with it and becoming proud of who i am.

something i forgot to mention is yes i was hit as a child. to this day i freak out and panic and will throw myself to the ground if it appears someone is about to hit me. i cant hand yelling or loud noises, im afraid of people and crowds, i have trust issues, i speech impediment, things i cant do because of the scars of my trauma.

now you may be asking how im alive? why i still keep living? how i got through this alone? honestly i cant answer the last one because i dont even know, but the first two i can roughly explain.

i didnt ever kill my self because right before i would i developed a concept of proving people wrong, that i belonged in this world as i had already survived nearly dying at 5 due to an allergic reaction. then as i got older i made the deal that if i made it to 18 that would be enough, im turning 20 soon. Now a days i have people and things to live for. When i think of killing my self i think of my friends L and M (not real names of course), i think of my dogs, my guinea pigs, my dreams, my goals, all the things i want to do. Ive become a role model to others now so i cant just die on them and give up on them. I cant help people and help others going through what i did, i cant be there for the people i care about to ensure they live and make it too, i cant be there to give them what i didnt have; someone who cared and loves them.

ive felt unloved my entire life and it hurts knowing the people who are supposed to love you apparently dont if they do what they do. it hurts seeing people going through what i went through because i know how much that hurts and how over bearing it can be. My trauma made me not want to make the same choices and hurt others in the way they ones who hurt me did. It made me not want to bring life into this world unless i was sure i wouldnt make the same mistakes. It made me crave to be loved and have people by my side and it gave me a weird but reasonable goal: Live a life i can be truly happy and safe in, a life without fear. 

i still struggle daily but im getting by and im getting there, im trying to become someone who i can be proud of, someone who can and will make a difference even if its saving one person.

i fight every day to live and have been for a while, hell i cried on my 18th birthday because well i didnt think i would last that long or be alive to see it.

Im alive, and i will continue to be to show others facing and feeling what i have felt that you can do it. you can live and thrive and fight for your life and end up better than you are or were and better than those who hurt you. Ill stay alive to act as a pair of open arms to those who are in my place, to give them someone who cares, to teach them they dont have to do it alone or hate themselves for wanting to depend on others. 

Im here because i feel i need to be to break the cycle and prove i deserve to live as do they and as do you.

[ascending-sunsetbutterfly]

im getting honestly tired of people saying but its your parents.

No, they’re not my parents nor family nor human beings, they are possesed by the devil and i will not ever in my life recognize them as such - i don’t wish to be associated to narcissistic , abusive, emotionally /physically/psychologically, neglective assholes. they humiliated me, insulted me  criticized me, hurt my loved ones, and tried to manipulated me by bribing me with gifts, tried to shut me out of my opinion and reduce me to shit, and refuse me my right to express myself and opinionate, as well as tried to make em codependent by not teaching me how to survive and even shaming me or shouting at me or hitting me whenever i tried to go out of my way to learn how to do things because they don’t care. they are mysogynistic, sexist, bigoted, abusive, fascist, homophobic, transphobic and will behave nicely when others are around and maybe speak highly of me, even so rarely, but when alone they will make me suffer and speak ill of me all the time. they invade my privacy constantly snooping around my stuff, and changing it from place without my permission. they even went as far as to make me try to sign contracts without reading. they tried to behave to use me to get to buy them things. they called me stupor, bag of shit, plague, dumb, selfish, ungrateful, ignorant , idiot and bitch. they tried to hit my dog twice with no reason, they stalked my grandma to the bathroom to check if it was clean after she left it. they glare at me from the side constantly shaking their heads in disapproval. they despise my whole existence and would merely use me as a puppet to manage the business of my ‘mother’ .  they only care about money even going as far saying they would onyl be happy if they were rich. they humiliated me by shouting and throwing fits in front of a cashier , publicicly. and this simply because i was 1 minute late to an appointment at the doctor, to which i end always up waiting for more than half an hour. they hit me for the fact i lost a contact lense and di not want to waste the other away to the trashcan, and tried to reason them countless times only to have my arms scarred. they dragged me away against my wish to their vacations house, when all they did was shout and speak ill of me and criticize as well as insult me, and glaring at me from the sides., treating me coldly. even when i was small they shouted whenever i tried to ask for help in homework or accidentally if rarely broke something, and i’ve always feared for my life even when i was small. they never taught me to defend myself making me frightened of the world bcs they instigated abuse and fear making me unable to defend myself against the bullying at school in consequence

you don’t understand. i sleep with my bedroom door constantly locked. even though so far they never went exceedingly far, i fear for my safety i fear for my life and my dog’s . i have traumas, ai have fear i have anxiety and yet they don’0t care. i could appear bruised and battered as i did from school years at home, they would not believe me nor would they care.

they closed the windows after smoking inside the house, resulting in me inhaling the smoke and going through an attack and coughing for more than a hour. their worry was to close the windows because i was making  spectacle for the neighbors.

they forbid me to cry and tried to forbid me to speak about my problems regarding them to others. they menaced me countless times.

they openly expressed their support of street harassment towards me saying i should feel happy for being complimented on. i was hollered at from a total perverted stranger speaking about my butt, and you think that’s right to do to your daughter?! furthermore you support it?! go to the fucking hell!

none of them ever tried to stop the abuse from the other because they both are abusive and they think their actions are justified. they never apologized and still glorify themselves thinking they are right, when they’re not.

they constantly hide things from me, but always want to snoop into my bank account receipts or know about my life.

i hate them. i hate them from the bottom of my heart and with all my forces. i wish i didn’t but they’re nothing to me. they mean nothing to me. i just despise them utterly , i hate them. i wished they died a painful sorrowful death or at least caught a scare enough to make them question their bad deeds and the pain they made me went through and still do.

im ready for people to judge me and leave me and for them to spread rumours about me, they’ve always spoken bad about me and i’ve always been alone ever since i was small, it’s still no different. the whole world can be against me i don’t give a damn. once i move out and can afford a car as well i will go no contact , even fire myself from this place and find another job in another city and start anew. judge me all you want you fake asshats i don’t car,e i’ve always been alone and i’m sued to it. it’s always been that way.

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 140818 - 1

ok so i really want to talk to a therapist but i wont be comfortable explaining my life story if theyre white. i just want help cus im always so tired but no one helps. ive been angry, fighting my whole life but no one cares. i came as an angry anxious baby. i was furious when i was adopted. i was screaming all the time,  abandoned multiple times just to be bought by these white foreigners i didnt even understand. but no one cared. no one knew how to handle my loss and pain, and my dad’s emotionally abusive as it is, making me grow up, feeling like theres smth wrong with me. that im just an annoying angry kid by default or smth, while my sister was the perfect one. thats why i always protected her. thats why i always stood up against his accusations,  guilt tripping and anger. because my little sister was too afraid and i was already labelled as the problematic kid. but im tired. she’s fkn 15. after all the things ive done for her the least she gan do is ask me how im feeling fromt time to time. my whole family knows ive been depressed for like 2 years and the only one who cares is my mom who just survived a 7 year old long ptsd. i hear from her that my sister appreciates it but i never get anything from her. i dont feel appreciated in this family at all. im still the angry annoying sjw and nothing i say will ever be taken seriously by our dad cus hes a master of making both me, my sister and mom (probably brothers too but they fkn abandoned us a long time ago those pussies, leaving 10 year old me to fend for me and lil sis all on my own while our parents were divorcing, mom was suicidal, dad abusive and economy crashing) feel like shit. their divorce was probably my first trigger factor. it took me 2,5 years, i was 4 the first time i dared to let go of my parents. first time they could leave me out of sight without me being ”annoying and screaming” aka having a fucking panic attack. their divorce was another abandonment, another trauma and i never learnt how to get over that either.

yesterday i was crying in the bathroom for 2 hours straight bc my family doesnt love me, i get out and no one cares. i literally told my dad he wouldnt care if i died yesterday and he didnt react. he fkn closed the balcony door bc he didnt want the neighbors to hear me ”so angry and upset”. i yelled at him that when i commit suicide its going to be his fault but hes so narcissist and dumb he doesnt understand. so i threw smth and destroyed smth and tHEN he reacted. i love having to use unhealthy techniques like suicide threats and murdering threats to get a reaction. i once did that and this ex friend threatened to report me to the police for murder threat. her mom even called my boyfriends mom to warn them of me but she didnt even call my mom??? she didnt care abt the fact that next to my ”i want to kill everyone. dream of murdering my family” i also wrote ”i want to kill myself”. dont remind me of this though. im not proud of it. i know its weong to manipuqlte like this but no one teached me how to deal with my feelings and avandonemnt issues in a healthy way. and so i’ve took after my dad and turned into this controlling emtoionally abuser, all bottled up, constantly angry and sad, guilt tripping and manipulating the people im supposed to love in fear of them abandoning me. and i will always hate the world for making me suffer like this. 

i just want to rest. im tired of always fighting for something as basic as love and safety. i never got over the loss of mom and culture and people. and i lost every sense of safety i had built up during my adoptive parents divorce and older brothers leaving. and im unhappy, im always unhappy because i miss my mom and culture and people so much. i feel misplaced and lost. the only thing keeping me alive being the thought of one day going back to china. the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of being able to actually help people with my experiences and knowledge, to help other international transracial adoptees or maybe fight for chinese womens rights or smth. thats the only thing. if my life turns out like.... nothing i’ve been suffering in vain. if im never going to be happy ive been suffering for nothing. ive tried so hard in my life but nothing works. im cursed. i really am cursed but not only do people leave me im also incapable of feeling other peoples love. i cant feel other peoples love because the only love i want is my mothers. my REAL mother, my ACTUAL mother, the chinese mother society loves to shame and make me forget because you all see her as a threat to my white parents claim over me.

the only difference between me and all those other ”normal” adoptees (aka my little sister) is that they’re whitewashed to death by their family, probably even more emotionally abused than i was and also they’ve repressed their feelings and trauma and I AM THE VERY REASON ADOPTEES DO THAT. ME AND ADOPTEES OVERREPRESENTATION IN SUICIDE STATISTICS ARE THE REASONS BECAUSE ITS GOING TO KILL YOU. my abortion and friend-break up was the last trigger before i exploded but believe me, it would have happened sooner or later anyways. my whole life has been a trigger. however many adoptees live their whole lives without ever waking up from this pretty little perfect sunshine story their parents and society had told them. there’s a reason so many adoptees are whitewashed to death and hates your disrespectful nosy questions. its a survival technique. we know that if we want to survive a life with our background conditions, then we have to repress our feelings concerning our adoption and everything associated with it. its not conciously, ITS A DEFENSE MECHANISM. and we get so much shit for it, which is understandable because many adoptees are fucking racist asshats. but you need to fucking understand that its because they’ve learnt to hate themselves and their own people. they’re TERRIFIED of being associated with immigrants and people of color because they know their white racist parents secretely hate them and actually secretely hate them too. all they want is love, they dont know anything else. it sucks to argue with a 40 year old adoptee of color though who’s still racist and whitewashed af, thats just sad and i would love to focus more on younger adoptees and help and support them through their ”awakening”. the awakening is much like learning about sexism or racism and how its ingrained in everything and practiced by your family and friends. just 100x worse cus you realize your family isnt even your family and you’re all alone in your thoughts, feelings, experiences and eventual search.

and adoptive parents and adoption organisations need to take fucking respnsobility for once without blaming everything on our traumatic past. you’re not ready to adopt non-white kids with trauma. you’re not educated enough and you placing us in all-white countries and neighborhoods, with problematic and abusive parents will not help. and im not speaking for myself, im speaking for ALL international transracial adoptees. im tired of hearing ”but your sister”, ”but my daughter is not”, ”my son doesnt care” WELL AS I SAID THEY DONT CARE BECAUSE YOU’VE NEVER GIVEN THEM THE CHANCE OR REASON TO CARE. IVE SACRIFICED MYSELF FOR MY SISTER. IVE FOUGHT OUR PARENTS, IVE TOLD THEM I HATE THEM, IVE DONE EVERYTHING I COULD TO TEST THEM, MY MOM WAS SUFFERING FROM PTSD AND I WAS THE MOST ANNOYING PROBLEMATIC KID EVER BECAUSE 1. I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY PAIN AND 2. TO SEE IF THEY WOULD FINALLY HAVE ENOUGH AND LEAVE ME. I DID THAT BECAUSE I COULDNT LIVE WITH THE CONSTANT FEAR OF ONE DAY HAVING THEM GROW TIRED OF ME AND ABANDON ME. I WANTED THEM TO BECAUSE THEIR DIVORCE WAS AVANDOBMENT ENOUGH. I DID THAT BECAUSE MY KIND LITTLE QUIET SISTER WOULD NEVER HAVE THE COURAGE TO. SHE WOULD NEVER DARE TO STAND UP AGAINST OUR DAD OR QUESTION THEIR BAD PARENTING AND UNDEDUCATION WHEN IT COMES TO RACISM/ADOPTION INDUSTRY BECAUSE SHES SCARED. SHE HATES CONFLICTS AND FIGHTS BECAUSE THOSE ARE THINGS THAT TRIGGERS HER. SHE GETS TRIGGERED BY FIGHTS AND I GET TEIGGERED WHEN PEOPLE IGNORE ME BECAUSE SHES AVOIDANT AND IM ATTACKING. I WANT TO FIGHT BC THATS HOW I FEEL PPL CARE. WHEN MY DAD WALKS OUT ON ME WHEN I TRY TO FIGHT OR SAY SOMETHING THATS MY BIGGEST TRIGGER. WHEN I FIGHT WITH MT BF AND HE DOESNT ANSWER MY TEXTS OR HE SUDDENLY HUNGS UP ON ME THATS THE BIGGEST TRIGGER. MY SISTER WOULD HUNG UP BC SHE WOULD FIND SOMEONE LIKE ME SCARY BUT WE ALL GET TRIGGERED BY DIFFERENT THINGS. WHAT WE HAVE IN COMMON THOUGH IS OUR TRUSMA AND OUR ABANDOMENT ISSUES. SHES ALSO AFRAID OF BEING ABANDONED, WE ALL FUCKING ARE, MANY OF US JUST DONT KNOW IT YET BECAUSE OUR PARENTS ARENT EQUIPPED TO HANDLE KIDS WITH TRAUMA. I KNOW BECAUSE I LOVE POLITICS AND SOCIAL JUSTICE SO I EDUCATED MY OWN GOD DAMN SELF. MY SISTER LOVES NATURAL SCIENCE SO SHE DOESNT KNOW A SHIT SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHAT A BISEXUAL IS AND SHES FKN 15, SHES AWESOME AT NATURAL SHIT AND THATS IT. I KNOW BECAUSE IVE ACTIVELY SOUGHT INFORMATION ABOUT IT BUT NOT EVERYONE DOES. NO ONE HELPED ME. EVERYTHING IVE LEARNT AND EVERYTHING I KNOW IS THANKS TO MY OWN GOD DAMN SELF. ADOPTIVE PARENTS DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT RACISM OR TRAUMAS. MY MOM UNDERSTANDS BECAUSE SHES A FUCKING PSYCHOLOGIST, BUT IF I DIDNT COME UP WITH THESE THEORIES ON MY OWN SHE NEVER WOULD. SHE TELLS ME NOW AT AGE 19 THAT ADOPTING ME, SEEING ME SCREAMING FOR DEAR LIFE AS I WAS HANDED OVER FELT WRONG. SHE FELT LIE SHE WAS TAKING ME, THAT IT WAS INHUMANE. AND NOW SHE KNEW WHY. BECAUSE IT WAS FUCKING WRONG AND INHUMANE. SHE WOULD NEVER HAVE COME TO THAT CONCLUSION IF I DIDNT PUSH HER WITH MY KNOWLEGE. IM THE ONE EDUCATING MY PARENTS AND ITS ONLY MY MOM LISTENING AND SINCE SHES WHITE AND NOT ADOPTED HERSELF SHES STILL ONLY ABLE TO UNDERSTAND LIKE 50% OF IT

i honestly dont get enough appreciation in this family. the only thinkers in this family is me, my mom and one of my brothers. but fuck him as i said, he abandoned us during their divorce and he’s been absent all my teenage years. we could have been close, he could have helped me bc he also suffered from depression. he gould have protected me like i proteced my little sister but he didnt. maybe it was the age gap or the fact that me and my sister are adopted while he and our other brother isnt, we’ll never know. all i know is that unlike my other brother and our dad he’s not completely unfamiliar with what racism, sexism and capitalism is. he’s not dumb and empty. he got a brain and he would be capable of understanding these things just like mom if he wanted to. but its been so many years, he’s fucking 28 and he betrayed me that bitch.

i really dont get enough appreciation. no one ever tells me they love me or appreciate my brain since im the only one analyzing shit. my mom does too but only personal and psycholgy shit never society or groups like oppression and structures and systems. im the only one doing that and im good at it. i always see patterns and i know my politics very well so i can easily see what kind of ideology people have. but i never get credit for it. im still just the lazy kid while my sister get cred for..... idk studying and working our and being didciplined. also ive been through mich more than anyone in this family. my mom and brother has also been through shit, i mean okay ALL OF them have because all people go through shit, but ive LEARNT things and they havent. they’ve repressed it or ignored it. only my mom and brother have also learnt but they never talk. my brother is avodiant like my sister. he never talks. hes quiet to himself and thinks. my mom talks but shes still a pussy

[emperor-nasch]

On Why I Left the YGO Fandom

I was going to put this under a cut, but read more’s never do what they’re supposed to do on my page, so I’m forced to leave it as-is if I want to post it at all. Apologies in advance because it’s a very, veeeery long post and contains abusive experience and behaviors. And the url of my abuser (I left his accomplice out because she’s a fucking whiny bitch and would manage to yet again verbally attack me for once again putting this fat fuck’s name out there as an abuser).

Also, please don’t reblog. If you have something to say, reply or ask/im me.

So, as promised, I finally got my thoughts collected and I guess?? Somewhat organized?? On what’s been plaguing me for several months now. I know I’m basically beating a dead horse because, by now, I should be over this (because god forbid something happen to me that actually affected me long-term, I’m just being dramatic for attention, right?) but this is something I feel needs to be addressed, for my own peace of mind. So, no better time than the present I suppose.

It’s probably far from obvious, but I’ve been part of the ygo fandom for a decent while - 2011-ish? I watched the original as a kid, but was reintroduced by my now-ex through the abridged series. Along the way I’ve been blessed to meet some fantastic people, no doubt. People I wish didn’t have to see this kind of bullshit coming from me. But some of those people turned out to be…anything but fantastic.

I’m tired of not naming names, out of fear of being accused yet again of starting a witch hunt (since apparently that’s something people reaaaallly like to do these days whenever you have a problem with a nasty creep they consider their best bud and refuse to hear your side of the story) but it’s to the point where I really don’t care what happens. I’m not popular in the fandom, so it isn’t like what I say matters.

There are two-faced, evil people in this fandom and all I wanted (and still want) to do is protect others from ending up in the same situations that I found myself in.

I’m the victim of two long years of mental/emotional abuse and manipulation. My abuser is someone a lot of people probably know of, if not know well, especially those of you from the Chicago area part of the fandom. He does (or did, idk now that it’s airing Wednesdays) livestreams of new episodes. He is an enormous, loud-mouthed pervert and not-yet-convicted pedophile. He enjoys reading, writing, defending, and sharing child porn. He is narcissistic, so deeply in love with pleasuring himself (both literally and figuratively) and taking nobody’s wants and needs into consideration but his own. He is a chronic gaslighter. He fetishizes wlw and objectifies women in general (like any typical misogynistic slob). He think no means yes, and “stay away from me, I don’t want to talk to you” means “please keep trying to contact me, I actually do want to talk, I’m just being silly uwu.” He is someone whose actions have been defended by people who think “he’s just dense” instead of an abuser. His actions and the actions of those who love and adore him are ignored or justified by people who are obviously as like-minded as he is. And he hides behind the ruse of being an all out card game whiz and aficionado so people will never know what he does behind closed doors.

He goes by voices/of/chaos (slashes on purpose, btw), and I know it’s going to either be a surprise or sound like a lie because of how well liked he is here.

Primarily, he’s the reason I’ve made this choice. Him and the people who, despite knowing the kind of shit he’s done to me, still refuse to acknowledge him as the abuser that he is and choose to stand by him and support his actions. The same people are people I thought - and really, truly had hoped - were my friends, people I poured my heart and soul into and let my faith rest upon. Instead, I was given that trust back and basically told to choke on it.

It started when I’d asked to be part of the ygo panel he runs at acen. I thought it would be fitting, with how passionate I was at the time about the latter spinoffs and about things in general. However, I was told flat-out that I was “not good enough” to be on HIS panel because of my biases toward certain series and dislike of others (biases and dislikes he and I shared, mind you). Basically, because I’ve never seen gx and don’t like dm, my knowledge base was not adequate to host a panel. Yet, his gf, who now hates ygo and is stongly biased about certain series (like me), who sits up there pouting, angry, drunk (she was last year, anyway) in complete and utter silence, is definitely qualified for the job. Ok. Sure. That sounds about right. He refused to see how ridiculous the situation was (he was told this by more than just me, for the record) and instead accused me of only wanting a discounted badge - “I can’t give discounted badges to just anyone” emphasis on anyone. That was a low-fucking-blow and was the single thing that made it impossible for me to ever forgive him.

Of course, that was a more recent issue. Going back to the start, our friendship started off with me being almost duped into a poly relationship without my consent or knowledge. I was told they were breaking up and that she knew about it. I was told it was ok. That she was ok with it. What I wasn’t told was that no, they weren’t breaking up, she didn’t know what he was doing, and that his plans were to date me while he dated -and lived with- her. I didn’t find out any of that until way after the fact. To top it off, he went behind her back to try to accomplish this (she was on vacation at the time). I was then blamed for their relationship problems (that existed years before me), for making her hate ygo, for ruining their relationship, and so on and so on. He made sure to tell me this constantly, telling me my name was a ‘trigger’ for her. So now I’m a homewrecking bitch for ruining their 7+ year relationship.

And despite all of this, he actually fantasized (his words exactly, I shit you not) about me and his gf bonding over our ‘hate’ towards him. Like, excuse me? Back the fuck up mate.

If I had a nickel for every time he told me how “important” I was to him, I’d have millions in the bank. But for as much as I was told I was important, I never actually believed him. Our friendship was kept a secret online. No interactions on any social media, up until the end where he got very childish and asinine about it, and then those were only meant to shut me up. I’d asked hundreds of times to at least be tagged in things, at least mentioned half as much as he talked about the other girls in his life. He never listened. I continued to be a secret.

When confronting him on my feelings (because he only ever talked about his feelings) I was always met with rage, destructive anger, denial, unnecessary profanities being hurled my way, utter disrespect. One can only take that shit for so long. Being told how you changed someone’s life for the better in one breath, then being shit on and screamed at and told you’re not good enough in the next, being kept a secret, being denied any sort of important places or duties that he bestowed upon his other girls.

In the end, I was told I was making it all up. “I don’t know where the fuck you’re getting this.” “You must be messed up in the head.” I was told I just hated him and wanted him to suffer. Everything that went wrong became my fault and my fault alone. Actions once considered ‘gross’ and ‘awful’ by someone I considered a friend were now just a result of him being dense. DENSE. Because knowingly fucking with my head, saying I’m messed up in the head, yeah that’s just the density speaking. How didn’t I think of that before??!!

This friend put herself between us, on her own accord, then acted as if I asked her to do it. She claimed she didn’t want to speak to either of us for a while. Of course that actually meant just me because she had no problem joining him for the stupid movie that came out in January or being up his ass on the chat that Sunday. Sure, the movie was pre-planned, but at least try not to make it obvious you’re only upset at me by making sure he’s in the pictures you posted.

I was told I upset her because I ‘guilt-tripped’ her with fears of abandonment. My hands were slapped for daring to upset her, but when I mentioned how bullshit it was to see her out having a good ol’ time with the fat fuck, my concerns were passed off as nothing. As always, my needs and concerns must be pushed aside for everyone else’s.

When I finally got sick and fucking tired of him, I asked him to leave me along and to not speak to me, ever again. Funny, that was followed up by half a dozen messages all lovey-dovey (and passive-aggressive, toward the end). I thought he would have stopped after I didn’t answer the first few. But his persistence (or should I say d e n s i t y ) was incredible. Each message got sappier and sappier. The last one, though, was bitter and angry, after I once again told him to leave me alone for good. “I thought talking to me would be better than talking to no one.”

A few weeks go by. I begin to tell my story. Tell what happened. I’m accused of starting a witch hunt by someone who once tried to help me. She threatened to leave the chat - which stirred the pot big time, everyone freaked out. I threatened to leave, no one gave a fuck. So, yet again, I was made out to be the big bad guy because I upset the ygo princess by talking about the guy who abused me to the point of exhaustion. I didn’t threaten him. I didn’t ask people to go out and attack him. I was simply sharing my experiences with people who genuinely wanted to know what had happened. All it took was one wailing princess to change everyone’s demeanor.

So I did what I should’ve done after this all happened in the first place - I left. Told everyone they could have their safe space back that I was accused of ruining. And ever since, I really haven’t been too emotionally invested in anything ygo.

These people took something that once felt like a niche I belonged in, and made it hostile and unwelcoming. They say the ygo fandom is a fandom full of mentally ill people who are finding solace in something wonderful. For a while, I believed that. I know better now.

For every person that is genuine in that fandom, there’s ten others who are shitty, who make other fans fucking miserable. I was abused, my spirit beaten and broken, and all I got was several kicks in the ass and everyone turning their heads away from it all. This fandom is toxic. This fandom is littered with people who manipulate and abuse and puke their social justice bullshit over something that’s supposed to be enjoyable. It’s a fandom where popular people are exempt from being called out on shitty behavior. Where if you have enough followers, enough of a fanbase, you’re immortal. I can’t change that. The only thing I can do is remove myself and go somewhere that I consider a safe space. And this fandom isn’t it.

There are…exceptions, of course. Those characters I fell in love with prior to this shit hitting the fan are characters that will forever mean the world to me. Characters who I don’t have to associate with these people. I’m pretty sure there’s only one, but one is enough. He’s been my safe space, my heaven, the one thing that for six years hasn’t changed and has always been there for me.

But the rest? Y’all can have it. I don’t want any part of it anymore. All thanks to two rotten ass people who can’t even admit to their own wrongdoings.

As a final note to those of you who I continue to follow here, I promise you aren’t the ones at fault. If anything, you’re the ones who have kept me grounded. I’m going to continue following you guys regardless of my feelings toward the fandom. Thank you for being decent human beings. I couldn’t ask any more of you.