#im so sorry dylan you didnt deserve what they did to you

[jackienautism]

Now I’m really curious about your thoughts on the other counselors. I don’t really have any strong opinions on them much tbh idk why. Maybe it’s the whole “horny teenager” trope or something

(finally getting around to this. sorry for taking so long dfkldg)

yeaaaah fair enough dfgjndg thats exactly why i get pissed off playing the game tbh. it just becomes so convoluted with this romantic whatever bullshit that it gets SUPER TIRING...... but that's ok though bc silas kaylee and caleb need someone to love them unconditionally right?

anywho! i appreciate you wanting to see my other unfiltered opinions on the characters kdfgdfjg bc gosh do i have a lot. especcially for TQ bitches. as i just ssaid,

i AM going to get unfiltered and potentially brutal so if anyone is your ultimate bestie i recommend not reading (abi and laura are safe though of course<3) (mainly because nothing about either of them necessarily irritated me LOL and im easy to irritate)

im going to reference my thoughts on the characters from a note i wrote after playing through like ? chapter 4 for the first time. but honestly not miuch has changed. and just to preface this a good portion of my negative opinions come from the campfire scene in chapter 2 LOL like. when i first played the game i began disliking like more than half the characters here alone

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dylan: talked about him here (its not positive)

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nick: i just think hes a prick who doesn't deserve abi 🤷 of course he was given the short end of the stick in terms of screentime, but its kind of funny bc kaitlyn has a similar amount of Actual walk around time and she's there like. the entire game LMAO so yeah that pisses me off. nick has 3 moments where you play as him, and kaitlyn has 5/6, depending on how you separate her section in chapter 10. they both have the same amount of Get To Explore And Walk Around time though, which is a whopping total of one thanks guys. anywho. even before he began acting like a creep i didnt like him lol... and no surprise but it all stems from chapter 2...

long story short, i dont doubt that nick actually cares for abi and likes her but i think in the grand scheme of things it mostly has to do w/ him wanting tits and ass... sort of similar to mike's whole deal... and i believe this based on the bullshit he pulls w/ emma. yeah he says that "tHiS mIgHt NoT bE a GoOd IdEa" and yet he still plays along despite dylan saying that 2 people can kiss AS LONG AS everyone consents. he could've gotten out of the situation. and yet he fucking didnt. i dont care if he didnt realize the consequences of his actions, if he TRULY liked abi he wouldnt have done this shit in the first place. "ive had my moments, im not proud of some of the stuff ive done" DOG YOU JUST HAD A MOMENT AND YOURE NOT EVEN FUCKING APOLOGIZING TO THE PERSON YOU HURT!!!!!! idc if it technically wasnt totally his fault. he still was involved in humiliating and upsetting abi. all he blames it on is playing alonog with emma's plan to make jacob jealous and aside from that just being such a shitty anf fucked up excuse in general, its not even ???? true?????????? GOD. IM SORRY. THE WHOLE SITUATION MAKES ME SO UPSET

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jacob: as said in my previous TQ / UD rankings... i really flip flop w/ him alot. however im def leaning towards neutral to dislike NGL. i HAAATED his whole thing w/ emma like incredibly so. however. i did feell real bad for him during chapter 1, despite already knowing that he was the one to bust the truck up and keep everyone there another night. i felt bad despite already having a reason TO dislike him. kaitlyn was being mean for no reason. nick and dylan were being mean for no reason. it's just... it's almost like he was being used as the group's laughing stock. but as time went on i just continually became less and less willing to sympathize . hell, he's just a INFINITELY less sympathetic josh... of course seeing him crying and upset in ch 3 was sad, but at this point i don't really know what he expected im sorry. he really dragged all these other people into his bullshit with emma. and it's more than clear how emma feels about their relationship, of course emma wasn't great either with him, but jacob isn't an angel ... EITHER in this situation. of COURSE he couldn’t have known that the night would go the way it does, but it doesn’t negate the fact that fucking up the truck was a shitty move regardless LMAO as said previously, i HAAATe how fucking possessive he is of her. like when nick tells jacob that he could see what emma wantss? and jacob just laughs it off? it's so fucking stupid dog. character wise though, he of course has a lot going for him and i can see why people find appeal in him. especially seeing hwo many stereotypes theyre subverting, in terms of jacob showing emotions and shit. but for me personally, it's a no

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ryan: my man🤝 even after all this time.... i find him very respectable and i very much appreciate him. similar to my deal w/ abi, even his more "asshole-ish" moments / dialogue choices (aside from a few off the top of my head LOL) are like. justified... and in character... like. him being so pissed off at and wary of laura? like????? laura is my beloved but this random girl just popped out of nowhere, killed one of his closest friends, and now wants to kill what he has of a father figure? like yeah id be acting like ryan too if i were put into his situation LMAO yeah you can be annoyed w/ his actions and behavior, but in context? the way he's acting is understandable and justified. it doesnt DESERVE criticism, because there's nothing to criticize! he's acting as any normal person would! of COURSE it's annoying how he doesn't BELIEVE laura, that's a whole other can of worms, but overall he's allowed to be a pissed off little bitch. and him potentially going against the whole party idea? that line of dialogue is just more in character for him i will not accept any other answer. it makes no sense that he'd suddenly go against chris' word. and it PISSES ME OOOOFF seeing how the game still like ? has ryan show up to the party despite being adamant against it.

ANYWAY.... ppl don't appreciate his autistic swag like i do. "he has no character" "he's boring" TO YOU. y'all rly see a character mainly speak in a monotone voice and rarely smile / show expression and go. yeah he's boring . do you not see the like . connotations of that. like be for real. he’s like. one of the only few genuinely good ppl here lmao and seeing how chris says that ryan is one of his fave counselors and how he TRUSTS him enough to hold all this responsibility + have all these in depth talks w him it’s just. you see what kind of person ryan is just from that. and how so far ryan is the only character (while you’re in control) who’s able to interject whatever bullshit is being said at the moment it just. i’m sorry. he’s just a good guy. i respect how he’s willing to go against the bulk of the group during the whole party or lodge thing. i also respect that he’s willing to put a fucking end to dylan’s invasive fucked up truth question. i KNOW that it all depends on the Player to choose these specific options BUT. they just fit ryan’s character more so🤷 what can i say. fuck everyone else

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max: my bf (real)

laura: my gf (real)

abi: me (irl)

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emma: in my original note i said that i was leaning torwards neutral to dislike lmao....... oh have the turns havbe tabled. anywho. i think shes such a stupid dumbass bitch. she's so funny for no goddamn reason. i am shoving her down a flight of stairs. i love her character sooo much. i hate how she acted with jacob (despite most of it being her people pleaser side Showing but, that's a whole different conversation i am willing to have). she's suuuuch a beloved but gooooooood god i draw the line at being such a shitty friend to abi. that's my biggest complaint when it comes to emma and her actions. i understand that she has a moment where she's like "you're my best friend, i need you" and i fucking eat that shit up but almost everything else that happens and happens prior..... just goddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

to get started. most of this is gonna be nitpicky and personal shit, so if you think it's small and shouldn't be addressed, then you're probably right LOL im just ultra sensitive to this sort of stuff due to past personal experiences. ANYWAY!!!!!! you know the little teasy comment emma makes towards abi after you avoid hitting the squirrel? how she's like, "this is her first time asking a guy out like EVER"? it makes me wanna beat her up fr kldfggnfg bc it's like... it's not a thing to joke about... i see sooo much of myself in abi meaning i see her as autistic and that's just. you know how much being autistic hinders those sort of abilities? i obviously can't say for sure but, seeing how abi later talks about people wantingher to interact w/ others better? hence why she went to summer camp in the first place? i'd say that probably isn't too outrageous to think...

and sort of continuing off that same topic, when abi is having trouble choosing someone for truth or dare, how emma is just like. "ding ding ding, my turn!" LIKE. AS HER FRIEND. WHO PROBABLY KNOWS ABOUT HOW MUCH ABI STRUGGLES SOCIALLY. DON'T YOU THINK SHE'D BE LIKE? "OHH ABI JUST PICKK ME" INSTEAD OF HUMILIATING HER? LIKE. BC THERES SOOO MANY DIFF WAYS OF MOVING ON AND HELPING ABI OUT....... GOING ABOUT IT THW WAY EMMA DID ISN'T THE WAY TO GO......... ESPECIALLY KNNOWING HOW SOCIALLY ANXIOUS ABI IS.... anyway. while we're on the campfire scene, it's so fucked why she chooses to kiss nick lmao like ok yeah it may work in the end (potentially) but its still ?????????????? girl you know how much abi likes nick (SUPPOSEDLY) why go about this shit in the most destructive way possible? and what makes me even MORe mad is that. they dont even ever address this scene ever again???? despite it being such a huge and humiliating and probably traumatizing moment for abi??????????? YES they're able to have a more in depth andf heart to heart conversation about their relationship. but its not fucking enough! bc that fucking stupid ass dare and its outcome was the catalyst for the rest of the night's events lmao! imagine beign brushed aside and seen as a social fucking experiment for your entire life. which is something im SURE abi has felt and experienced. and emma, her best friend, LITERALLY CONTRIBUTES TO THAT!!!!!! ITS SO FUCKED AND IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY. i could probably go on about this topic but ill leabe it for a separate post i guess anyway if i were abi id be fucking pissed off and upset

her character means so very much to be like her whole people pleaser and "curate myself to each individual person ive ever met to keep them fromn leaving me" resonates so so much with me and i love it so much. ive talked about this b4 in a previous post but i can only imagine how lonely she feels, acting the way she acts. no one will ever truly know who she is. shes in a constant state of performance. every single person she's ever met has a different perception of her in their head. and, in one way or another, it's all wrong!!!! i love you emma mountebank i love you abigail blyg

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kaitlyn: i wont even lie i instantly fell in love w her after hearing the INSANE shit she says fnsjfjsnf esp felt it after the “jacob go upstairs. jacob get bag. kaitlyn moves on with her goddamn life” fell in love fr. and her whole stupid monologue after jacob was like "yeah i mean, what did i expect would happen?" SHES LITERALLY INSANE. but. like. i was not and still Am not happy w how she treated abi during the campfire scene though. due to 1. her telling abi to basically hurry the fuck up despite seeing how much she was GENUINELY struggling, and also potentially knowing about her social struggles prior. bc they're friends. right? and 2. just coming up wiht the dare in general lol it was such a fucked up thing to do and as ive said w/ emma, the fact theyre unable to actually jhave a convo abt it later is suuuuper dumb and shitty imo. esp seeing just how upset abi got, and the most fucked up thing is, neither kaitlyn NOR emma seem to show any remorse for it!!!!! that's just so fucked up

anywho. hate how both of their asian girls (emily in until dawn) are characterized as bossy and very. my way or the highway. it’s actually real fucked up in that light. fuck you supermassive. y’all are lucky that these 2 characters are their respective games’ baddest bitches . i SUPPOSE it isn’t THAT as big of a deal in this game bc. there are like. objectively more unlikable characters (in the guys AND girls) so kaitlyn doesn’t stand out as much (as emily did. she was practically written to be hated. bc NO ONE ELSE was as strong personality wise as her. i suppose jess comes close but 1. i think ppl shit on her for other stupid shit anyway SO and 2. she effs off for more than half the game) but it still doesn’t make it ok lmao. bc it’s a trend that is very :/ mmmmmmm. even if it’s not that much of a cliche stereotype for asian women, seeing them write both of their asian girls ALMOST THE EXACT SAME WAY is a bit sussy goddamn baka. went off a bit there lmao. anyway. i’m a weak pussy bitch and after she softened after abi returned freaked out i 😭 i love you. more positive (and NON GUY related) interactions between the girlies please. i literally love her relationship w/ abi so much it's so interesting to me.

and just... to talk about her character real quick, i mmentioned in my tier list that her character frustrates me. and you wanna know why? ive talked abt this b4 but her character is basically a watered down emily davis. and i say this bc. they both overall are the same archetype. except. in kaitlyn's case. there's really no reason for me to like ???? feel bad for her? djjfggkj LIKE. THERE'S LITTLE TO NO SUBSTANCE TO HER CHARACTER.... AND THERE CERTAINLY ISNT MUCH TO FEEL SYMPATHETIC FOR..... i say this bc. almost all the other TQ characters have this moment of ): aw, here's why i should care about and feel bad for you. BUT KAITLYN????? NEVER REALLY OUTRIGHT HAS THAT MOMENT,..... it's almsot like they threw her in there and threw in her characteristics last second.... nothing's really established w/ her. you just. you just keeo finding new stuff about her as the game goes on. like. oh. shes a good shot. oh. she cares about abi. and shit like that. im probably explaining this so terribly rn but hopefully some sense can be made from this scramble. it's just.... thye toook away the interesting aspect(s) of emily'scharacter (her anxiety, her fear of death, her complex to be protected while being fully capable of protecting herslef in times of danger etc etc) and thus gave us kaitlyn. to me she just. she isnt that interesting character wise! there isnt much there for me to grow attached to! people only like her bc shes associated w/ dylan! like shes one of those characters where you sort of HAVE to mold and shape into something that's familiar and Good

re reading htis it really sounds like i don't like her fdjkdg BUT I DO I PROMISE.... i gotta stick w/ my asian girls

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abi but for real: 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 do i even need to say anything? its like supermassive made a character purposely JessCore or something like that. i like. haven’t gone In Depth abt why i got so fucked up over what everyone else did to her during the camp fire scene but. know that it hit a little toooooo fucking close to home. like. I Could See Me Sitting There In Abi’s Spot and it HUUUUUUURT!!!!!!!!!!!! like ): seeing her avert her gaze and how she was fumbling over her words i ))): LIKE. AUGHH. esp after being asked THAT question? since not sleeping w/ anyone by this age is seen as “abnormal”? i could feel that so bad man ): no one deserves to be singled out like that. esp not a VERY much autistic girl who is pretty clear to be on the “outside” of the group. bc she’s not “normal” or not “like everyone else here” and it’s just. fuck you all fr choke. enough of that. i just. she’s so fucking cute too? like girl i love you so MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! her lil like. expressive noises and shit are so awesome and make me happy fnsjfjsf you only see them like twice BUT. you don’t really see that from the other characters. so basically: stims. autism. yeah. they rly made abi a little TOO realistic nd relatable fnsjfnnsf but ohhhh man do i love her oh so much. after the camp fire scene i was just. she’s my friend now fuck all of you

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laura but for real: I MISSED HER AND MAX SOOOOO BAD WHILE PLAYING THROUGH CHAPTERS 1 - 6 SKLDDFJDF i was literally so upset and sad seeing that they werent at camp after the prologue. du eto like literallty all of the characters getting on my nerves I WANTED THEM TO COME HOME SOOOO BAD.... AFTER THE CAMP FIRE SCENE EVERYTHING WENT DOWNHILL AND I MIIISSSEED THEM SOO MUCH i needed them back for real. other than that though, i dont have much to say about laura. i mean of course she's my BELOVED i mean look at my user but. yeah! i think about her often and project some anger shit onto her<3 specifically towards travis for specific and personal reasons<3 even if it's not like character stuff or w/e i think about, i often just rotate herin my mind. i love her so much. plus she's literally a combo of emily and sam aka my 2 fave UD characters how could i not love her?

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max but for real: i honestly dont have much to say abt him? and i suppose he and laura arent /technically/ a part of the other counselors since they never, yk, showed up. but w/e fdfjgndg i think he's neat. i honestly thought he was like one of the only Good Guys of the game when first playing through,. and that still holds true! i still see ryan as a great guy too though. max just seems like such a good partner and guy in general and i love him. don't necessarily think about him much but as i said before, he's my bf (real)

[lonelier-version-of-you]

i dont understand why people are wanting faith and dylan back together now like its all im seeing on posts like the comments on facebook, people i follow on instagram and twitter and it really wrecks my brain. so sorry if anyone does out there but i dont know what some people expect if they did get back together. sorry that im ranting i just didnt know what people would think and i needed to say something so sorry again.

Don't worry, you're in good company - I don't understand it either, and neither does @dylan-keogh1, so that's at least two people who agree with you. Tbh I think the "I want Faith and Dylan to get back together" attitude is much more popular on other social media sites, I don't think anyone on here particularly wants it either.

I mean, Faith treated Dylan like rubbish! She used him as a cheap rebound because she was angry that Lev wouldn't listen to her demands to sleep with her, then she got angry at Dylan for not telling him about his alcoholism when they'd spent one night together. Do people really not think she'd just find other stuff to be nasty to him about if they got back together? (I expect next she'd probably move onto yelling at him for not telling her he has OCD...) So yeah, I agree, I don't want them back together. I don't want Dylan to just end up like his mum, in a toxic relationship with someone who won't accept him as he is. He deserves so much better than that.

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 28

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.2k - 4.3k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: filler chapter again sorry! but i tried to make it cute! i didnt plan a sex scene but its there sooo yea haha lol

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : 2 requests! i hope i wrote them right! love them btw! please keep sending them!!!

Chapter 28 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

I thought we would have sex before we went to bed but I must have fallen asleep faster than I wanted to. Niall also probably undressed me because when I woke up in the middle of the night, I was wearing his shirt and nothing else. I smiled, keeping my eyes closed, and brought my shoulder closer to my nose. It smelled like him even if he probably didn't wear it for too long since he had a buttoned shirt at the wedding. I turned around in bed, trying to reach him with my arm but he wasn't there and I let out a short whimper before forcing myself to open my eyes.

The room was dark and quiet and it made a shiver run in my back. I got up and realized his shirt was a bit short. I searched through my stuff for a clean pair of panties and put it on before quietly getting out of the room. Everything was dark except for a very low and warm light in the living room. I walked slowly closer and leaned against the wall when I saw Niall sitting on the couch. He was writing very quickly in his notebook and he was so concentrated that he didn't even notice me. It was always special for me to see him when he seemed to be so deep in his thoughts that no one could get in his bubble. His hair was a mess and once in a while, he ran his hand in it, making the mess even worse. I stared at him for a while as he kept his focus on the paper, wearing only his boxers and making me realize he probably woke up in the middle of the night with an idea that he couldn't let go of. Something that he knew he wouldn’t remember in the morning but that he just had to write about.

I didn't know how long I stayed there but I didn't want to interrupt him or distract him. I just walked back to the room after a while and lied down in bed, looking at the ceiling. I couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened to me in the past few months and somehow, I felt like everything was going for the better. The more time passed, the more It seemed like I was discovering who I was and what I wanted.

It was so obvious that what I wanted was Niall but more than that, what I really wanted was a healthy relationship with Niall. I wanted us to be the kind of couple that would drip with sweetness but that also could spend time without each other without going crazy. I wanted him to be my best friend but not my only friend and I didn't want either of us to be afraid, insecure, jealous or unhappy. I knew I was asking a lot, and I knew not everything could be perfect all the time, but I knew Niall and I together could come very fucking close to perfection.

I tried to stay awake until he came back to sleep but once again, I probably had fallen asleep despite myself because when I woke up again, the sun was already up and I had a small headache. I groaned and this time, I knew he was still in bed. I could feel the warmth of his body close to mine and I turned in the sheets, wrapping my arm around his back. His cheek was flat against the mattress just like his chest and I watched him sleep, his lips parted and slightly twisted as he let out a low snore. Fuck, he was so hot and I just stared at him with my eyes half-open for a few minutes, or maybe 15? 20? Who knew?

When I realized how bad I needed to pee, I finally got up very slowly, making sure I wouldn't wake him up. He was always up before me but I knew he had been up a big part of the night to write something and I wanted him to get the rest he needed and clearly deserved.

I made coffee and stayed next to the coffee machine as I watched it fall down, yawning a few times before adding cream and sugar in my cup. I couldn't stop thinking about him going on tour and being separated from him for weeks and it made something twist in my chest. Of course, I didn't want to be the girl who would follow him everywhere. I was not that girl anymore. I was not dependent of the man I loved, and I had stuff to do and commitments, too. We were about to start filming the new season of my tv show and although I dreaded playing with Dylan I knew it was something we had to do. It would be awkward at first, for sure, but in the end, I knew he was professional and I promised myself I would be, too.

I finished my coffee but left the cup in the sink before walking to the living room. It was supposed to be a lazy day and I was surprised my head didn't hurt as much as I thought it would, or that I wasn't nauseous at all despite all the champagne I had drank the night before.

I sat on the couch and pushed the stuff on it to find the remote. It showed that I was spending time at Niall's : his place had never been so messy and I suddenly felt guilty. I finally found the remote but looked at it before sighing, putting it back on the coffee table as I took the decision to clean a bit while he was still asleep. Something caught my attention and even if I knew I shouldn't, I grabbed hos notebook to the page it was opened and started reading. Niall rarely shared his writing with random people until it was a final product and all the songs I had heard was because I had crept on him somehow. I was not proud of it but at the same time, he never really seemed angry about it. I remembered that time when we were all at his place and I had followed the sound of his guitar until I practically fell in the room like a loser as he was playing a song. At that time, I had thought it was about Heidi but now that I knew it was about me, I wished I could remember what the lyrics were. All I could remember was that I had deeply hoped that it was for me. That thought made something twist in my chest and I licked my lips before letting my eyes roam on the words I was probably not supposed to see.

"I want the world to witness When we finally say I do It's the way you love I gotta give it back to you I can't promise picket fences Or sunny afternoons But, at night when I close my eyes"

A lot of words seemed to be scratched a few times and then I could read something that seemed like a chorus.

"Yeah, I see us in black and white Crystal clear on a star lit night In all your gorgeous colors I promise that I'll love you for the rest of my life See you standing in your dress Swear in front of all our friends There'll never be another I promise that I'll love you for the rest of my life"

I swallowed and ran my fingers on the ink, feeling the tiny rifts and bumps in the paper and feeling my heart beating so fast in my chest that I had a hard time to breathe.

"Now, we're sitting here in your living room Telling stories while we share a drink or two And there's a vision I've been holding in my mind We're 65 and you ask "When did I first know?" I always knew."

And just when I thought it was probably not about me, I saw a word that was also scratched at the end of the lyrics and I could swear it started with a capital O. I grabbed the notebook, moving it up and putting the simple sheet where the song was written in the light. It appeared clearly. My name at the bottom. I didn't know why it was crossed out and I was not sure I wanted to know. but as I re-read the lyrics for the tenth time, I couldn't lie to myself anymore. It was a wedding song.

After a few minutes, I finally started moving again. I cleaned the living room, washed the dishes, started laundry and even started cleaning the windows. All while thinking about the song, the lyrics hitting inside my brain and doing something incredible to my heart : something I hadn't felt ever before. I would never tell him but if Niall asked me to marry him at this exact moment, I would say yes. Was it because of the great time we had the night before? Or maybe because we were so happy together these days? I had no idea. But I knew I'd say yes in a heartbeat. Tomorrow, I couldn't tell you what my answer would be but today? It would be a million times yes.

I saw him walk behind me in the reflection of the now extra clean windows and my lips immediately curled. He placed himself behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and leaning his chin on my shoulder, and suddenly, I felt so much better than I did only a few minutes ago, even if I was still happy before.

"You should have waken me up." he whispered in my ear. "I would have helped you. Especially that you're cleaning wearing only a shirt and panties. I'd love to see you on all four as you clean the floor."

I laughed and raised my nose up as he kissed a spot near my ear. It was not only my love for him that made my heart jump when he was near, it was more than that. It was who he was, who I hoped he would always be.

"Tell me you'll always do that, that you'll always say things like that."

He pulled away slightly and turned his head more to look at me. I waited for his answer but he was waiting for me to look at him and I gave in, my eyes finally meeting his.

"Hold you? Kiss you? Tell you that I love and lust you?" he asked low, raising his eyebrows. I bit my bottom lip and nodded. "I promise. I swear. You have my words. And my heart. And my body, soul and mind."

My traits softened and I turned in his arms to face him, wrapping mine around his neck, moving my chin up to kiss him. He pushed me gently against the window as we kissed and I felt my butt press against it, making me chuckle.

"I'm gonna have to clean that window again." I let out with a smile as he chuckled against my lips.

"Or, you know, we can leave it like that." he proposed, shrugging a shoulder. "Your butt print seems like a nice decoration."

I'm the one who laughed this time. "You? Leaving a dirty window without touching it? Who are you trying to fool, Horan?"

"Don't call me that." he just said in a serious tone, raising his eyebrows.

"Or what?"I asked, teasing him with a sassy voice.

"Or I'm gonna tickle you." he pointed out, making my heart skip a beat. "I'm gonna tickle you until you beg me to stop."

"Sure, Horan." I tried to provoke him, putting emphasis on his last name.

He stared at me for a few seconds but suddenly and quickly, he picked me up and brought me to the couch. I was surprised that he could actually support my weight and he finally let me fall on the couch as I bounced on the cushions but he quickly straddled me, grabbing my wrists and pulling them over my head. When was the last time we played like that? It had been so long I couldn't remember.

"Apologize now." he ordered, looking down at me.

I could feel his grip tighten on my wrists and I licked my lips. "Never."

"Last chance." he let out, making me smirk.

"Bite me, Horan."

Quickly, he brought his free hand to my waist and started tickling me. Immediately, I started squirming, trying to get out of his grip as I let out a few high pitched yells. It made him laugh and it made me remember how much I hated to be tickled. After a while, he stopped and my lips parted as I started panting.

"You looking like that? God. Makes me want to tie you up and have my way with you."

I let out a short laughter and he started tickling me again until I started screaming his name.

"Niall! Niall stop! I c-can't!"

He did as I asked and smirked. "Beg me." he let out, shaking his eyebrows. "Apologize and beg me."

"Mm, I'm so sorry, Niall." I whispered with puppy eyes. "Please I'm begging you, stop tickling me?"

"Don't you fucking pout like that, it makes me want to fuck your mouth."

I laughed louder this time, tilting my head back slightly and closing my eyes as I felt his hand run up my breasts.

"And you say I'm the horny one!"

"Heyyy!" he argued with a frown. "I fingered you last night and I didn't cum at all, remember?"

My smirk disappeared and I just smiled at him. "You want to cum now?"

He groaned and raised his nose up. "I feel like all we do is fuck."

I shrugged and he finally let go of my wrists. I brought my hands to his pants and slid one in them, raising my eyebrows again but in surprise this time.

"You went commando?"

He didn't answer. Instead, he reached for my shirt and moved it up to expose my breasts as I took his cock out of his pants, stroking him slowly with both my hands. He breathed in and then out, letting out a very short whimper and one of his hands moved back to reach between my legs. He moved two of his fingertips on my panties, brushing against my clit and I pressed my lips together. I tried to focus on what my hands were doing and spit on his cock before running my fingers right under his tip. He groaned and brought his hand back to grab one of my breasts hard and I started stroking him harder.

"That feels so fucking good." he admitted, running his thumb on my nipple. "I tried doing that to myself and it just doesn't work. It has to be your hands."

I didn't tell him but it probably could have been anyone's hands except his and even if he probably knew it, I didn't want to point it out just in case. He took his cock in his hands, making me hold my breath and take my hands away and quickly, he tapped his cock on my tits before rubbing his tip on my nipples.

"Please, petal, push your tits together."

My heart jumped so high in my chest that I had to swallow it back.

"Niall, I don't think my boobs are big enough to-"

"Do it." he cut me.

I bit my bottom lip and did as he asked, just watching him spit in his hand and rub his cock again. My lips parted when he put his cock between my breasts and he was so focused on what he was doing that he didn't even look at me again. I could pretend otherwise but watching him using me to cum was actually exciting and when he groaned, I pressed my thighs together as I felt my pussy throb. I loved the feeling of his cock sliding quickly between my breasts and the thought in itself was driving me insane. After a while, he took his dick back in his hand and started jerking off harder until his lips parted.

"Jesus Christ." he whispered as I held my breath.

He shook slightly over me, moaning low as his cum spurted on my chest and breasts. I just remained motionless as he came down from his high, letting out a low 'fuck" and rubbing his tip on my nipples again, spreading his cum on me.

He sighed and sat on me, putting his cock back in his pants as I stared at him and he shook his head.

"I'm so.. so sorry. I was just so..."

"Horny? Yea I noticed." I chuckled, letting my lips curl as he finally looked back at me.

"I didn't really give you much attention, did I?" he asked, raising his nose up. I could read guilt on his face and my lips curled. "I'm sorry, pet."

"I'm just... I'm glad I made you cum. Didn't think that would be so exciting, but it was." I admitted, pulling my shirt back over my breasts as he laughed. "Also didn't think it was possible with my boobs."

"Your boobs are perfect." he pointed out before getting up and holding his hand out for me.

I put my hand in his and his fingers gripped mine as he helped me get up, letting his eyes roam on my face. He bent down to kiss me and I closed my eyes at the way it made my heart jump in my chest.

"Lazy day yea?" he proposed in a breath, his mouth still pressed against mine. "You go take a shower and I'll close all the curtains, find a good tv show to binge on netflix, and order something, chinese maybe?"

I nodded quickly and smiled. "That sounds perfect."

I took a quick shower and put on a pair of his sweatpants and one of his shirts and when I got back in the living room, he had brought pillows and blankets, a few beers and was waiting for me with the remote in hands. I stared at him for a while, just trying to live the moment and realize how lucky I was, before finally sitting next to him. He looked up at me with a smile and I pushed the pillows away to lean against his chest as his back was against the side of the couch. His legs were spread but they moved a bit close to both my sides, kind of to trap me close to him. He tried to put the blanket over us and I helped him before squirming slightly to be more comfortable.

"Hey, watch the goods, yea?"

I laughed but still took care of where I was moving and he wrapped one of his arms around me.

"Remember this spot because food will be there in half an hour and we're gonna have to do it all over again." he said, making me groan and making him laugh. "Seriously though, it feels good to have you here with me just to have a lazy day."

I felt my heart swell and smiled more, turning to kiss his jaw gently. He looked down and his lips met mine and he deepened the kiss just as the first episode of a series we both wanted to watch started.

"How will I be able to focus on anything but you today, mm?" I let out, half-joking.

He rolled his eyes with a low chuckle and we both focused on the tv for a while. I groaned when the doorbell rang and he laughed again. I sat up to let him get up and when he came back with the food, I realized how hungry I was. we ate again in silence but I couldn't stop glancing at him. There was something endearing in the way he used his chopsticks to push the noddles in his mouth and I only realized I was staring when he turned his gaze to me and chuckled. I blinked a few times and looked away as he swallowed his food.

"It's okay, you can stare. I stare at you too, you know. You just don't notice."

I felt my heart jump in my chest and put my food away.

"Just like I stared at you for about twenty minutes in the middle of the night." I confessed, making him frown. "You were sitting here, in only your boxers, and you were writing. You were so focused on what you were doing that you never noticed me."

I couldn't add that I had found him gorgeous with his messy hair and his tired eyes. I couldn't say that I had felt a wave of love so strong that I almost started crying. I couldn't tell him that because it still embarrassed me to be so in love with him. Not because I didn't want to be, but because I was scared I would end up losing him again.

His lips curled into a smile and he pushed the air out of his lungs. "I was writing a song. For you. About you."

My lips crashed against his and he replied to the kiss quickly, pushing his tongue deep in my mouth as I whimpered. He didn't know that I had read it and I suddenly felt guilty but he literally confirmed that his lyrics were about me and somehow, it made me ecstatic. So ecstatic that I surprised myself wishing he'd ask me to marry him as soon as our lips would part.

"I didn't know if I should tell you but, Olivia, I'm so happy we're both single right now. I know it's wrong to say that but fuck, I'm happy with you. Just you and I. No guilt, no stress, no question. You and me, living this moment."

I kissed him again, not knowing what to answer. I was happy too. I was happier than I had ever been, even before we broke up, and I didn't want anything to change. I didn't want to jinx this by claiming my happiness out loud. I didn't want to risk this happiness with an official relationship because last time didn't end well. It was ridiculous. All my fears made no sense, but it didn't make them vanish to know that.

"I love you, Niall." I whispered, leaving small kisses slowly on his mouth, jaw and cheeks. "I love you more than anything. No one is you."

He finally let go of his chopsticks to cup my face and he breathed in before his mouth found mine again.

"I promise that I'll love you for the rest of my life." he murmured quickly before kissing me again.

My heart jumped when I recognized the lyrics and it made me wonder how often he talked to me with his own lyrics. I wanted to hear all of them. One time, twice, three times... a hundred fucking times. I wanted him to play me all the songs that were for me, to sing them, to whisper them, to yell them. I wanted him to make love to me while he'd do it, to hold my hand as we walked outside as he'd sing, to fucking marry me as he'd yell. I wanted him to claim his love for me until I'd be tired to hear it. And deep down, I knew I'd never be.

"I have a weekend left before I leave for tour." he just said sadly, breaking my heart. "I thought we could leave. Pack a bag, take the road, only you and me, for a few days."

My lips curled so much that my cheeks started hurting and I quickly nodded. I really wanted to spend quality time with him while it was still possible and I kissed his lips again.

"That's a yes?" he made sure as I nodded. "Okay then, we're leaving in 3 days. So cancel all the plans you had."

I laughed and licked my lips, licking his at the same time because of the proximity of our mouths.

"Niall? I'm sorry, I had planned to spend all my days with you but this super hot guy just asked me on a road trip so I'm gonna have to rain check."

He laughed and shook his head slightly. "Dork."

He pulled away slightly to stare at me as we completely forgot the show playing. I grabbed the remote and put it on pause before looking back at him and tilting my head. I needed him more than I ever needed him before and it was scaring me so bad I could feel my heart trying to escape my rib cage in intense thumps.

"Tell me you love me." I whispered as I bit my bottom lip nervously. "Please, Niall."

His face changed and he moved closer. I thought he'd kiss me again but instead, he got serious and I felt him grab my hands.

"I love you, Olivia. I'm in love with you. I never stopped, not one second. And I never will. Do you want me to repeat it every day? At which frequency? Every 6 hours? 4 hours? Two? I'll put a damn alarm on my phone to tell you in the middle of the night if I have to." he said in a soft tone. "I know it was different when we dated, but I will never let you believe that you are not perfect the way you are, that you are not everything I want and need, or that you are not loved. Never again. I swear, Olivia. I fucking love you."

[pk-platinum]

😳 pls share your thoughts on maximum ride!! i think it was pretty good up until book 3 maybe? then it got messy. i was elementary school during this phase so it’s a little fuzzy but all i remember is i HATED the final warning. i had to force myself to finish it i don’t even remember what happened in it but it was just bad and didn’t make sense. and there was always something going on with angel lmao. oh and i wished dylan didn’t like max bc i thought he deserved better tbh. iggy, gazzy, and nudge were cool. fang and max... anyways i still haven’t read the last book to this day. did you know there was a manga for the series too? i didn’t read all of it but i thought it was cool bc i also really like to read manga. also sorry if this was a lot lol i saw your tag and just wanted to get it out my system

- I think maximum ride was good up until they started messing around with putting the kids in “simulations” and faking character deaths and making angel evil for no reason lmao. among so many plotholes and confusing moments. I read them in middle school Im surprised you remember so much haha... YEAH the final warning is definitely when it got REAL bad. I kept going, I finished nevermore when it came out, I even got maximum ride forever but I donated it bc i could NOT finish it. I hated that the apocalypse actually happened and that the group got separated. I definitely agree that dylan fucking SUCKS and im glad to inform you that he dies later on lmao  oh my god YES though I love the manga the art is so good, I think the story works so much better as a comic and I read all the volumes until they cancelled it because the story was getting bat shit.  additional things, I love fang bc Emo Boy, i wish they didnt have him and max get together like what the hell, my wish is that it gets an animated series in the style of the manga and they fix the ending bc it would be so good and i love the bird kids :’) 

Thank u for sharing your thoughts lmao no need to apologize. If you want to talk about it in DMs, I dont mind!

[survivorbehemoth]

Episode 15: "congrats daisy for winning season 7 of celestial: behemoth!” - Jules

congrats daisy for winning season 7 of celestial: behemoth!

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JIOFEOJIFEWOJIWOJI THAT SOUNDS SO BITTER BUT DYLAN SIR U HANDED HER THE GAME! HANDED IT TO HER! GOD! and its what she deserves!

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anyways. let it be known this was NOT MY FAULT.

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let the record show, before last night's tribal, I SAID SOMETHING WAS NOT SITTING RIGHT WITH MY SPIRIT!!!!!!!!!! AND???? what happened. look what happened.

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still practicing my slide puzzles WJIJIEFIJWJIFIFWJEJWIEEJWIF

OH MY GOD I HATE THIS GAME I HATE THIS GAME I HATE THIS GAME!!!

this final 4 is absolutely amazing and i literally love all of them so much, but that just makes things 10x worse. i think that playing my idol on daisy was a huge risk and the fact that it is now a final 2 makes things a bit more interesting. my ideal plan was to have daisy in the final 4 with me so that i wouldnt be the next target, but now that she won immunity it just didnt work out how i intended at all!!

voting out jules and szymon is purely going to come down to which one of them will sway my way and it's going to hurt to send one of them to jury no matter what, but i just feel like i came all this way and not making top 3 would just suck so badly. so yeah, this sucks. i hate that no matter what i do im going to be upsetting people and hurting feelings but... i guess that's just the game! at this point im not even sure if i can win against daisy but it seems like she will take me, it just depends on whether or not i stay loyal to her if i win FIC or if i take whoever is with me in final 3.

much to think about, BUT I JUST CANT BELIEVE I MADE IT THIS FAR !!!!

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Jules is voted out 3-1. She becomes the 8th member of our jury.

Watch the Cast Assessment take place below:

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Szymon is voted out by Daisy. He becomes the final member of our jury.

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idk thought this would be cute to include my voting log and stuff hehe <3 https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1RiA0RUWX4TRpqBTgRzLJJ3fHu2jBqZ-bCJozFd3HcRs/edit?usp=sharing

Jules: https://youtu.be/6zKeJuOJKeY 

https://youtu.be/5dV_-X6Rv2U

https://youtu.be/N5tnq-4QAT8

someone (zach) asked me to rank the jurors from nicest to meanest...so here we go. ily all <3 <3

1. seamus (this will def come as a surprise, but seamus was the most levelheaded and nice one on the jury. he really never made a bitter comment even though he had every right to, especially at me/daisy/dylan and really anyone who was in after him except chips. like. he was the only person to reach out in pms after and it was immediate, he really comforted me and i really admire men who can have like good relationship w/ women that are platonic??? i know he's been like terrible in the past and i did call him on some stuff in hydravivor and ill be the FIRST to admit that i called him a crackhead on a daily basis but i think he's grown a lot!!!!!! idk. i think he's also the MOST self aware!!!! im a seamus stan, what about it?)

2. brandan (while brandan was kinda irrelevant game wise this season -- but not in our hearts -- he was very objective and a peacemaker. he had good reason to be MIA too so the fact that he got as far as he did means to me that he did form some strong social connections. and he did!!! with me, i think w/ conor, so idk, he had a role like i did in the game imo. i really liked him and he really brought a fresh perspective on things!!!)

3. szymon (he's only not ranked higher bc he's pissed off rob and he stands his ground a lot more outwardly than the first two, at least in the jury chat. also he's not had as much time as a juror. but even then, i think szymon is not a bad guy like some of the ppl make him out to be. like, idk, i think he made a mistake on a game level and he even admitted it and idk he's a legend. truly. im so glad to have met him and i think he was a really nice juror to have around while he was ACTUALLY around bc he stood up for me/daisy the way seamus did)

4. lovelis (lovelis makes some pointed comments but.....he's not dumb at all and so i don't think he's been bitter. also his pointed comments have been funny and mostly radiating the energy of the other Bitter Jurors so idk. i really like him on a personal level as well and have for a while so idk. i dont KNOW KNOW him but he's never been the type to make harsh comments without them having some merit to them. so i kinda trust his judgement even though he wasnt in the game long/an early merge boot. idk i think he's open minded enough and he's also someone who admits when he's done a Lil Too Much but he's really lovely. just competitive.)

5. chips (i dont think chips is MEAN per se, in fact, i dont think he has a mean bone in his body on a personal level. like WFIJFJIFWE I DONT KNOW HOW ELSE TO SAY IT HES SO FUCKING NICE!!!!!!! but thats why it's so funny to see him in games bc he's a lil lying, a lil backstabby and sometimes he's a lil passive aggressive. but its not undeserved. its also a pisces thing WEFJIEIEJWEFJIWEF i think what i saw in the jury house was sometimes chips going along w/ things, but i dont know, i really do not know much about chips game and ill probs ask him more afterwards?? but idk he was REALLY nice to me tho so FWIJFWEWFIFW i just dont trust him in games.......i dont know whats on his mind half of the time......)

I WANNA SAY FOR THE NEXT 3 MEN THEYRE HEAVILY INFLUENCED BY THEIR FIRE SIGN PLACEMENTS SO while i know some of them do hold resentment, its a lot easier to deal with and work with and with all 3 of them we've talked it out with/are going to talk it out. only #8 has been the MOST stubborn but idk imma let him do his thing & try not to pass too much judgement u know cause i dont need to waste my braincells on that

6. conor (knowing conor's astrological placements makes this make sense to me. but i wanna say that i think he's the type of leo to like be upfront, get it out, vent, and be fine? which is why i respect him a lot and i think we do have a mutual respect for each other. some of the comments he made were kinda rude tho and him fake liking astrology for social game was SO UGLY TO ME!!!! like i'll clown him for it for as long as i know him now cause....JOKE'S ON HIM!!!!!!! WJOEFWEOWEFO but that was kinda mean but def conor's come around and seen the light / has also reached out to me to talk. he's also admitted he left a mean speech in sbbb9 and regretted it so i think he might just shoot off at the mouth a bit. but BETTER THE DEVIL U KNOW THAN THE ONE U DONT and i appreciate the transparency NOW as opposed to the fakeness of him saying he liked astrology for social game. THIS IS A HILL I WILL DIE ON!!!!! im a fan of leos tho and he's a leo moon like me. so. i think we'll be fine. )

7. rob (i actually really REALLY like rob on a personal level but i really do not know if i could play another game with him, at least survivor, id be open to playing bb. i think ill say that the best thing about rob is that he's also apologized, was one of the first to when i confronted them all, me and him have a good personal relationship tbh!! but some of the game comments he made were p harsh and he's definitely a lil bitter but again, he's admitted it, i think while he's more up front -- i dont think i ever wanna be on his bad side in a game. EVER!!! cause we didnt even have any loyalty to each other in the game but he was SO harsh on my game like it was wild bc i dont think id ever be that harsh to ANY OF THEM ABOUT THEIR GAMES LIKE THAT???? anyways. its fine bc again he's apologized and he's owned it but PHEW he got a lil bit of a sharp tongue. really eloquent tho!!!!!!!!!!! love hearing him speak)

8. gage (last but least the southern belle himself................this man an aries and i dont know his other signs but him being an aries man is enough. they POP OFF!!!!!! a lot of times there's some truth to it, sure, but sometimes they just be popping off and FOR WHAT!!!!! i do understand gage's frustrations though but even he apologized for being too mean in HIS FUTURE FUCKING CONFESSIONALSSSSSSSS TO MEEEEEE so. idk. he's got an issue with letting things go in games and miss annajane calls him on a lot of BS and it does NOT seem to really knock him down but. gage is really wht u see is what u get, doesnt really own his faults but at least u kinda know where ur at w/ him. but he's still probs the meanest one in there but i do understand from a game level why he was so fucked up about it, especially after hearing FTC. its just that. i understand his position. BUT HE NEEDS TO TAKE A XANAX SOMETIMES I S2G GAGE I WILL GIVE YOU ONE!!! girl it is NOT that serious!!!!!!)

also forgot to mention that i admitted to gage that chris from s1 was NOT actually my brother and his jaw was on the floor <3 I GOT TO DO ONE TROLL THING RIGHT!!!!!! rip me/seamus' showmance serious!!!!!!)

okay just to add onto my last confessional -- the songs i think represent me best from this playlist game wise are: - perfect for you - punchin' bag - stayin' alive - flip - femme fatale/future nostalgia (for the girls alliance that never was....rip but also me/daisy at merge vibes) - X - the shortchange - TAKE ME AS I AM!!!!! THAT SONG IS THE ONE THATS BECOME MY SONG!!!! for this game especially!!!!! - over yet (the lyrics literally speak for themselves) - tough on myself (sorry for stealing ur song vincent) - seven devils - villains pt. 1 (i dont think i was a villain but i did stuff in this game that i usually dont and would consider villainous for myself FEWIWFEJIFEW i was in my feelings!) - passion & pain taste the same when i'm weak (me coming into the jury house and realizing they'd all snatched my wig w/ the edges and the glue.....i DID cry to this song for at least 2 hours! yes i did! WIFJWJIWEIJE) - tar ('under the stars -- pull yourself from the tar'. at the end of the day, this season was fucking stacked and there wasn't one person who was a bad player at all. at all.stars, if you will. i was under a lot of stars and from all the breakdowns in my game to me actually breaking down -- i GOTTA PULL MYSELF FROM THE TAR!!!! learn!! grow!! be better!!)

TOP 5 (not 'perfect for you'): - punchin' bag - take me as i am - over yet - tough on myself - tar

good for my whole journey imo!! the last 3!!! okay this is my ACTUAL last confessional okay thank u for everything!!! bye!!!

https://youtu.be/T5wRzWwlOp8

and here's my personal playlist for the org: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2E8KGCo1SrBgoJIQ9DycfM?si=96PWq-6ERCyisacQr3zPww

it is literally an hour and a half until the winner reveal and i really just have no idea what's going to happen. like in the back of mind i just have a feeling that im losing bc, yeah you know self-deprecation woo! but yeah idk i think i really gave this game my all and while i dont think i played it flawlessly, i still think i played a strong game i can be proud of :,)

having it be a live final tribal for my first ever like, jury questioning was just--- ugh wild but i actually think it went really well. just based on what people were saying it definitely seemed as if some of the jurors didnt really want to see me and daisy at the end or like, really werent consider voting for me but i think i was definitely able to sway some people who were willing to listen and definitely gave some of the jurors something to think about. so whether or not i win i do think that i had a really great final tribal performance, maybe it was even enough to sway enough people into giving me their vote?? WHO'S TO SAY

anyways this has been such a wild experience and it's surreal to think that it's ending in like, a little over an hour but no matter what happens i can say confidently that i will be able to look back on this season fondly and will be leaving it with my head held high bc I REALLY DID THIS LIKE!!! I REALLY MADE IT TO THE END!! WOW I STILL CANT GET OVER IT HAHAHA!! but yeah bye forever <33

Rob’s Last Video:  https://youtu.be/X3krxxfJ3oo

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Daisy wins in a 7-2 vote!

[13espassiertsoschnell]

d (& n)

- it wasnt meant to be. i cant believe you turned out like that. i loved you. i would have punched god in the face for you. i just hope you will find your happiness someday. not in america probably. not in me. but thank you for showing me how it feels to be hopelessly in love. i didnt get my first kiss, but i got my first heartbreak. both equal the same amount of hurt when you realize you gave it to the wrong person -

i wrote this part in my letter back in febuary before i got into the hospital and before i came back to you one last time. i was angry and dissapointed and lost.

after july last year you changed, and everyone agreed. all the times it went downhill were just the beginning. i understand you, i really do. i also dont know who i am or where i want to be but you are so full of hate and bitterness now, its gonna eat your soul away. i dont even know who you are anymore, not sure if i want to either.

i deleted everything that reminded me of you, every social media and also the playlist. i still loved you in april and i cried over you in may. but im fine now. the pink tinted glasses are finally gone and despite both of our attempts and excuses to get into contact again i think you are right. maybe this is better.

not even maybe.

it is.

(it should)

but i also know you lied. maybe you do love her, maybe you got caught red handed by your family, maybe this is some bigger thing you are trying to pull, but i know not all of that was the whole truth and for the first time you are lying to me.

i loved you because you were the most realest person i knew. and i was the polar opposite. like we always were.

while i was pretending to be everyone but myself and lying about every little thing that came to mind, you stayed true. you cant outsmart a liar dylan, at least im able to beat you at that game.

my heart still aches sometimes but when im trying to remember your voice i realize you are fading. i got over her and i will get over you.

we both fucked up a lot, i know, i wasnt always the person you deserved but after what you did in december, i think we are even.

and maybe its the time to be truthful, so yeah, i missed you horribly. and i loved you endlessly, to the point i would have switched sides just to stay with you. i did the rabbitcast thing because i was to scared to ask you what you felt about me, i didnt know it would impact you that much, im sorry. but you werent honest about your feelings either. if you had told me you loved me, and if that really was true, i would have given you everything and more.

maybe it hurts because we werent even lovers. you were an ex-something, an ex-maybe. an ex-almost. but i doubt we really understood that out there was someone who could love us. i had my chance and i blew it, that one was on me.

but leaving and destroying everything in your path was on you.

(and in the end you seemed to get better and i was getting worse.)

i talk about you sometimes. to my friends who just sigh and tell me to give it a rest and i wonder if your friends do the same. i wish i was braver. i wish i wasnt a cowardly thief and a liar. i wish i could have made you stay. maybe i could have prevented the way you are now.

but there is nothing else to do now. i wont run this time and i wont check up on you again either, writing all of this down is the least i can do, its an ending.

i told you to be kind and i only can repeat myself. the world is horribly cruel but please never raise your voice unless you want someone less fortunate to be heard and they dont have the voice to do so. hate is a powerful drive but it will turn you paranoid. stay true to yourself and only carry your lies as long you need protection, hiding wont make you happy.

and if you really do love her, then may you two live in peace and never fall out of love.

that was all i had to say but hadnt the right mind to last time we talked.

i will love again and im getting better.

also thanks to you i finally learned the hardest lesson ive ever needed to learn: letting go.

and thats what im doing right now.

part of my heart will always belong to you, that is how love works and just like her you wont even know you have it.

i miss you, but im also going to be alright without you, the gods have their reason.

i hope to (see you on the other side of war), because that will be the first and last time ill ever look you in the eyes and find what ive been looking for

- you never gave me a nickname

[charlie-artlie]

hhhhhggrrrmmhhhgggggggg aaaaaaa ok i got on in this white hell box to start slamming rvb s15 but that ep10 was so good!!!!!!! click below to watch me go back and forth on this topic for like 5or10 paragraphs lmao!!!!!!!!!

ok so lemme start with things i like which 

1). UHG??? that beach scene!!!!!!! perfect amazing perfection everything ive ever wanted???!!!!????!!!! they held hands im literally crying my hands were over my face the whole time like!!!!!!! AAAAAA so that was great

2). i........ like temple. even tho i got spoiled about him being a villain  i still thought the reveal was good and i have such a soft spot for smarmy yandere style “im gonna emotionally torture u :)” villains. it also probably doesnt help that i love and miss church so hes a fun stand in on that front AS WELL AS a stand in as tuckers new evil boyfriend now that felix is a pancake

2.5). unrelated but did we get confirm on felix being dead??? he aint dead til i see a body jussaiyin...

3). i have mixed feelings on church coming back that ill get into but church is maybe my favorite character so ultimately i view that as a plus?

4). i really put this one off cuz i was still reeling over this newest episode but all the potential grif development (and by extension red team development as a whole) that looks like its gonna happen this season has got me bittin the pillow like i kid u not im on the edge of my seat fam

ok but like. now onto the real shit. (THIS GOT SO LONG SHIT)

the one thing that is really REALLY holding me back from fully enjoying this season is wanting to know what the crews fuckin intentions are with this show. like. im gonna go ahead and put my hat on the fuckin table or whatever but season 13 was an ending. it was  good fucking ending too (and i know someones gonna go back and pull up receipts of me a year or so ago begging for a continuation season after s13 ended but dont do that pls) and to continue after an ending like that with a time skip like that makes this whole season feel like an epilogue to me? like a clean up? like there were some loose ends were tying up.

like. if theyre serious about this season and about ALL these new characters theyre bringing up then were looking at an arc here. like its gonna have to be to bring this to a proper close after all this extra shit?? they cant comfortably bring this to a close in one season

like what are they planning????whats the point of all this????

i honestly wouldn’t even  be so bent out of shape about it all, like it wouldn’t seem like such a stretch but the fact that we’re introduced to this season with dylan, who is also, largely, framed as a main character this season. who is. a new character. :/

like i get the narrative tool of using a reporter to drag your characters out of retirement for “one last job” (again, kinda framing it to be one season which worries me!) but whyyyyyy do we have to go through all this stuff with dylan and jax??????? like W H Y do we have to go through the same relationship development we’ve seen like three times already?????? jax is characteristically indistinguishable from caboose, so like???? weve seen this before!! the cold cynical “i dont need friends im just doing my job” person getting frustrated by having to deal with the idiot heart-of-gold tagalong who refuses to hate them no matter how mean or terrible they are like?? we saw it with church and caboose. we saw it later with wash and caboose. we saw it with church and caboose againnnnnnnn. we even kinda saw it with tucker and palomo!!!!! like whats the point of repeating this scene again and again!!!! we get it cynical mean assholes deserve unconditional love too i guess!!!!

like i just cant really get into it. and i dont even really mind dylan like i like her a lot more than i initially thought i would but i already can pretty much see the direction her character arch is going so im just sorta like shrug. shes gonna push jax until he leaves and then...........only then..........will she learn how much she should have valued his unconditional love.................even if he annoyed her and they didnt get along objectively in any way shape or form. but since he likes her then its her job to reciprocate even if she doesnt get anything out of the relationship at all. also she shot him. but whatever their friendship is beautiful (didnt know i had this much salt over this particular subject lmao whoops)

ok so narratively i only see two reasons to do this and im not crazy about either

1). theyre building up to draw some parallels between dylan and like wash or church or s/t but again i dont see the reasoning like why is this season framed around teacher dylan an important lesson about friendship you brought the show back from the jaws or death to give my a character arc for a new character????

2). this its more significant than it seems (i.e. theyre not who we think they are, i mean, its pretty suspicious we only have jax’s stage name rn) like theyre more significant players than we’ve been led to believe

(((also also im with grif on the whole bringing church back thing lmao. like WE DID THIS ALREADY??? there were a lot of AI why dont we ever go on an epic quest to save any of my other favs like oh idk TEX?????????!!!!!!!!!???????)))

but really tho my real and true problem is that i cant tell why theyre still making episodes. is it because theres still a story here that needs to be told or just because they can. and i know my hangup with this mostly stems from one interview i saw after s13 ended with miles and burnie where burnie pretty much said “yea if i had it my way uh i would end it here but hey it is what it is :/” and that just sorta struck a cord with me. maybe because he was a writer and one of the original people who created it i was sorta uncomfortable with taking the show places he didnt want to take it (and i could be TOTALLY off base with this assessment!!!! like i dont know how burnie really feels about this show rn he could be totally digging the new stuff this is just a personal things thats a hangup in just my own head!!!!)

ok so i think i covered pretty much everything i needed to say about this season so far if you actually read this far thanks if u gave up and skipped to the end then i have one last food for thought:

im gonna be the huge stick in the mud who says it: people are putting way too much faith in a company that is still using donut to make cheap gay jokes by actually thinking grimmons is going to become canon and im sorry that youre going to be disappointed. what we are going to get is a unsatisfying reunion and subsequent make up a la church and tucker in s12 and thats it.

thats not what i want to happen thats what i believe will happen. i am FULLY prepared to eat my own hat if im wrong. you may consider this text post legally binding

[survivorbermuda-blog]

OWEN’S RITES OF PASSAGE

30th: Constance - ummmm crackt legend????? You were someone I was so shook to see playing these games again. Not really sure what happened or why u had to leave again. But hope you’re doing well!!! Unless you’re actually racist, then I don’t! Xo <3

29th: Mark Wilson - I do not know u but you rlly lucked out of escaping a 70 day season so soon huh

28th: Nick Nox - Thank god you left early bc one Nick was trouble enough for me kdjhjfjsdkfhjd

27th: Joey Palumbo - AHHHH I’m sorry we never got to play together! I was looking forward to talking more. Maybe next time

26th: Elliot Adams - you have a cool name we never were on a tribe together tho rip

25th: Dom Rou - LITERALLY YOU’RE A STUPID HOE?????? You asked me to apply to this game with you, YOU GOT ME INTO THIS MESS, and then you QUIT on me. The beginning of this game was 1000% different with all the talks we had, and I wonder how things would’ve changed if you hadn’t walked when you did. I prob wouldn’t be in f4 lmao so i guess thanks for dragging me into this and then peacing out ily

24th: Lily Lim - LOL Lily <3 You seemed like a really sweet person, even though your timezone made it a little hard to talk. I’m sorry you were the easiest target at that first tribal we went to as a swapped tribe, but the beef between you and Saxon made it the right choice. Hope you’re doin well!

23rd: Madison - ANOTHER QUEEN GOOOOOOOOOOD????? Robbed too soon????? I was so excited to play with you and Dom and then y’all got screwed over by the swap :( I’m sure we’ll play again someday tho

22nd: Julian - Julian!!! Your vote seems so so long ago, I wonder when these will start feeling like things I remember. Unfortunately the tribal divides between us pit us against each other a bit, but I’m glad we got to talk at least a little.

21st: Asya - KJDHJKHFKJSDHFK OK IM SORRY WE DID YOU SO DIRTY??? Dom had so many good things to say about you and I was excited to finally get to meet you and play with you even though he was gone. My wig went flyin real far when you came and snappt at me about telling AJ his name was going around….oops. After that I felt like there wasn’t enough trust left between us :( but now that I am hostin you I hope you forgive me

20th: Saxon - crackt legend????? First idol play of the game??????? Im shaking. You were someone else that I had known before the game started. I know you really really care about the games you’re in and you’re someone who fights as hard as possible, so it was sad to see you go so soon.

19th: Ryan - WOWOOWOW! When we met back on Paget I really thought you were someone who was going to go far with me in this game! I had so much fun talking to you and it was great to finally meet someone new right from the start after playing so many games with people I’d already met. You’re a smart player and a really social guy, and I’m more sad that you didn’t make it than I was about D*M!!!!!! I hope you get another shot at TS and I hope the math is alright lmao

18th: Dylan - idk who this is

17th: Haley - crossroads queen…...I was excited to actually know someone on the Tengaged tribe, even if it didnt help me out very much in the long run lol. Love u!

16th: Blake - We were never on a tribe together some how??? Through all those swaps omg. I’m sorry Maksym snatcht your record tho.

15th: Tee - Queen of Ponderosa…. I hope you’re still doing okay in there, hope they been feedin u well. I was excited to play together, and I really wish it would’ve worked out, but our agendas just ended up on entirely different pages during that first merge vote :( I don’t really know what the problem between you and Matt was, but unfortunately I had to side with someone I had been more loyal to from the start. You’re a queen though!!!! And I hope you’ve enjoyed seeing the game through a juror’s lens this past month!

14th: Sean - Hey Sean!!! You were one of the few Tengaged people I felt I didn’t connect with too much, mostly because the premerge time we spent together we never really went to tribal. I know you were one of the first casualties in a long line of people who left when I wanted it to be Nick… But I liked that you were always there for the tribals, and I feel bad that you went out that way after Nick used his exile :( Hope you’re doin okay!!

13th: AJ - AJ LEGEND!!! I really did love the group we had with Kage, even though my votes over this merge have probably said otherwise. I found myself in a weird position between wanting to work with you, but not wanting to vote out any of the names you gave me, and unfortunately it got to the point where I couldn’t keep protecting as many people as I would’ve liked, especially with Nick immune. I love you though buddy, and I hope we can talk again after this is all over.

12th: Kage - I don’t even know where to start omg. All I can think of is you wearing all of those shirts…. Probably the best thing I have ever seen at a tribal council. At the very start of this game, I never expected you to be someone I worked closely with. When you went around asking everyone where they idol searched, I was initially sketched out by you - but as time went on, I really appreciated having you as someone I could put trust in as the numbers got smaller. I don’t think here is the right place to go over all of the details of why I did what I did the round you left, but I respect everything you tried to do in this game and you’re one of the funniest people I’ve gotten to know from it. Can’t wait to see what shit ur gonna pull at FTC fkjshdfk

11th: Matt - Matthew Summers!!!! It was refreshing to actually get to work together from the start of a game this time, even through the rocky swaps pre-merge. I think of everything, your vote-off is the only one I was truly blindsided by, and I wish it could’ve been another way because talking to you about video games and thirsting over RJ was a refreshing break from all the stress lol. I love you!

10th: Nick - HOLY SHIT NICK!!! The man with nine lives in this game!!! I don’t really know why or how, but at some point I decided you had become my mortal enemy in the game. I think it’s because when we first met, you seemed to be trying to pull the strings a little bit on an alliance between me and some other TG people. Plus your scary poker skills… I immediately saw you as a dominant force, and it scared me to think of having you in the game for as long as you were. You had so many tricks up your sleeve, and you always had me on my toes - you were a huge reason that the merge portion of this game didn’t get stale or boring, and even though I’m happy to have finally conquered my enemy, I hope you’re proud of how well you did!

9th: Maksym - I’m not sure when we decided to work together, but you were someone I had 10000% trust in after those first couple merge votes. Especially when I was getting nervous about something (usually about Tim targeting me), you were at least there to listen. I know the timezone difference made it a little rough, but I’m glad we got to meet here and play together a bit :) I’m sorry you were ROBBED

8th: Rodrigo - I saved this one for last because you are probably the person I have the most to say to, even though I’m not quite sure how to say it. I don’t want to make this public forum into a place for us to hash out our own personal conflict, but I do want you to know that I meant all of the things I said to you out of friendship. You were a close friend to me in this game, and I appreciated that we kept each other safe as long as we could. I know you don’t want to hear it, but when I was given the choice between voting RJ or voting you, I had to side with the person who was willing to vote with me. I so so wish we could’ve made a vote work together that round, and I apologize for not giving you the same honesty in return about me writing your name down - though in hindsight, your idol could’ve done some serious damage that night. I hope you will forgive me for writing your name, because it was 10000% the best game decision for me that night, and it doesn’t reflect at all the way I feel about you outside of this game. And even more than all this game stuff I value your friendship to me. Even when we didn’t vote together, you were a friend, and that meant a lot to me. I love you a lot, and I hope you aren’t too mad at me by now.

7th: RJ - The love of my life….. Wow. When I saw the cast for this, I was SO BLESSED to have someone so hot and so straight on my tribe from the get-go. I love how your laid-back attitude mixes so well with your passion for this game. Even when we were bouncing the craziest ideas off each other, you were never afraid to try anything, and I’m glad we made it as far as we did together. I didn’t expect to ever use that idol on anybody but myself, but the thought of losing you too soon made me do something impulsive and I wouldn’t have done it any other way :) Talk to you soon <3

6th: Jake - I’m really thankful we got to talk in the couples days before you were gone. I know I could’ve done more to approached you on a personal level even after our games didnt quite align, and it was my bad that it took me so long to do so. I hope your Glee rewatch is keeping up, and maybe we’ll get to have a tiny Bermuda reunion if I visit in the fall since we are both gonna be future teachers :)

5th: Lily - It’s so weird to think that the first time we met was all the way back in Malibu. From the blindside in that game, to meeting IRL, to beasting it out in this one together, we’ve come a long way!! You were a phenomenal player this time around - a beast in the challenges, always staying loyal, and still somehow never managing to piss anybody off. I’m sorry that it was you and not me last night, but I know one day you’re gonna come back and snatch the win you deserve!!!

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 10

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.2k // 4.4k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: i know Louis said it was his least favorite song on his album but it was too perfect so i had to use it. also, if you get the movie reference, youre amazing lmao! thanks for all the love, i hope you guys enjoy this chapter and that you’re not getting tired of this

requests! : added a few and ill post them but i didnt add ALL the things written in the asks just because it didn’t fit, i hope its okay! if you read there will be very tiny spoilers :)

Chapter 10 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

I quickly left after he turned away from me to walk to his car. Not because I wanted to leave but because his words had brought inside me a few sensations I felt guilty to feel. Hope, definitely. Happiness, probably. And also an intense relief that I couldn't explain. I felt relieved that he thought we were worth it. I felt relieved knowing that our friendship still surpassed any other relationship in his life, including his girlfriend. I felt happy that he was not going to give up and hopeful that we could go back to being close. That too, I felt guilty to feel. Would that hurt Dylan? He was already so understanding and sweet with me, he didn't deserve his fiance to lie to him, or even omit to tell him things.

I parked in front of my house and noticed Louis' car was there but I remained sitting behind the wheel a bit longer. Louis was there and I could talk to him. This is exactly what I needed yet, I couldn't find the courage to walk inside and sit with him. Perhaps I was not ready to let out all of this out loud because I knew it would make it even more real than it already was. Telling someone else was going to hit hard, I knew it.

I breathed in before pushing on the door but Louis was nowhere in sight. I frowned but took my shoes off and decided to walk to his room. The music was on, the door was closed, and I felt my heart skip a beat, hoping he was not with his girlfriend. I licked my lips before biting the bottom one and knocked at the door three times.

"Louis?"

The music stopped and it took only a few seconds for the door to open. His lips curled into a smirk and he leaned against the door frame, raising his eyebrows at me in a suggestive manner.

"Heyy, where did my queen spend the night?"

"Louis, I need to talk to you." I admitted, walking past him and inviting myself inside, ignoring his question.

"That bad, huh?" he chuckled a bit, closing the door behind us and turning around to look at me as I sat on his bed. "Did you let him fuck you into oblivion? Meaning that you totally forgot that you were both taken and that he had shattered your heart into millions of tiny pieces?"

I groaned and grimaced, letting myself fall on the bed, lying down on my back as my legs were still hanging from the bed. I grabbed his pillow and pressed it on my face before letting out a muffled scream. It took only a few seconds until he grabbed the pillow roughly and pushed it away on the bed.

"Did you really sleep with him?" he asked in a soft tone, looking down at me before I shook my head. "Did you two kiss?" Once again, I shook my head. "Then what's wrong?"

I let my eyes roam on Louis' face and licked my lips. I didn't want to say it, the words seemed to be stuck in my throat, but keeping them inside was starting to hurt physically. I just didn't know if it would hurt more after they came out...

"Say it, you know you can trust me." Louis expressed in a low and gentle tone, making me lick my lips again.

He didn't understand that the problem was not him hearing it, it was me admitting it. He kept looking at me, his eyes roaming on my face slowly, and I focused on the way he blinked, the way he smelled, the way he made me feel..

"I love him." I breathed so low I wasn't even sure I had heard myself. "I'm in love with Niall."

My best friend didn't show an ounce of surprise. Instead, he sent me a small smile and nodded, still looking down at me. I pressed my lips together, trying to keep the tears inside, but I felt them fill my eyes and did everything I could not to blink. I could pretend that seeing Niall made all my feelings come back to the surface but the only thing seeing Niall again made me do was realize that I never stopped loving him.

"And you love Dylan, too?" he asked, making me nod. "Okay, if you spend your life with Dylan, will you miss Niall?"

I held my breath, feeling my whole body throb at his question. He knew that answer, didn't he? Because he would always miss Eleanor if he was with someone else, that was a given. In fact, that was not even worth asking.

"Alright." he added, as if he read the answer in my mind. "If you spend your life with Niall, would you miss Dylan?"

I felt my eyes get bigger and I knew Louis was trying to read my answer on my face. He ended up just sighing low and tilting his head a bit.

"It's not about love, you know." I just replied, trying to avoid a question I ignored the answer of. "It takes more than love. A lot more. " I paused. "It was so much easier when it was only you and I."

This time, his lips curled into a smirk and he raised his eyebrows at me, moving his face slightly closer.

"You forget fast, my queen." he pointed out, booping my nose gently and making my lips curl slightly. "We were both miserable, shagging each other to get affection and orgasms but never really reaching the happiness we were longing for. We struggled so much, we've come so far."

"I know." I admitted, hearing my voice crack despite how low it was. "But we had each other."

"We still do." he replied, smiling fondly at me for a few seconds as I tried to contain my tears. "Wait a second, I want to show you something."

He quickly got off the bed and I sat up, looking at him. He searched through his stuff and I frowned when he grabbed a disk and finally, my lips curl.

"A CD? What is this? 2005?"

Louis chuckled, his back still facing me. "Oh shut up! I just wanted to be sure it wouldn't be leaked before it was supposed to. I don't trust cellphones. Or people, really."

This time, I laughed and shook my head. I knew what he meant, I also had a hard time to trust people. I used to be the type who would trust everyone and get hurt all the time. I guess the bad and manipulative persons I had met in my life had changed me.

Louis came back and sat next to me as a song started. The melody came to my ears but was quickly followed by his voice, bringing a sensation of comfort inside me. I knew Louis had worked a lot on his album and the fact that he was ready to share a song with me meant a lot more than he probably thought.

"You say to me your jeans don't fit You don't feel pretty and it's hard to miss I wish that you could see my point of view As someone staring back at you On Friday night when we're all out I turn to you and you're looking down And you don't wanna dance I know you love to dance You never stop given half the chance

Just keep your head up, love, keep your head up Don't hide away, don't ever change Keep your head up love, keep your head up Don't look away, don't look away"

I turned to him and sent him a smile, reaching for his hand and grabbing it in mine. I didn't know why but that song did something to me. I loved the way it seemed like he was talking to the person listening with a soft voice but it's only when I heard the chorus that I held my breath.

"'Cause everybody's looking at you now My, oh, my I guess some queens don't need a crown And I know why Even when your tears are falling down Still somehow You're perfect now"

He probably noticed my eyes getting bigger and knew I was asking myself questions because he simply nodded and squeezed my fingers tighter. I felt myself tear up and swallowed hard.

"You never do but if you asked me to I'd tell the truth lying next to you 'Cause you're the only one When it's said and done You make me feel like being someone good to you Even at your worst You steal the scene and it's unrehearsed Don't you wanna dance, just a little dance? I'll never stop given half the chance"

My lips finally parted and he sent me a fond smile, bringing his other hand on mine just as the bridge started.

"Every insecurity Like a neon sign As bright as day If you knew what you were to me You would never try to hide away"

Despite trying hard, I couldn't help it and started crying. I didn't even reach my face to wipe the tears off, I just sobbed low as I stared at him and gently, he brought one of his hands to my cheeks and brushed his thumb on them as I sniffed.

"'Cause everybody's looking at you now My, oh, my I guess some queens don't need a crown And I know why Even when your tears are falling down Still somehow You're perfect now"

We remained silent for a few minutes as I let the information sink in. Louis had told me his whole album would be based on his feelings for his girlfriend, and he had started writing it before he got back with her, that I knew, but I never thought he'd take the time to write one for me. I never thought I inspired him enough to get a whole song written about me. I didn't really believe I was interesting enough but the truth was, this song was beautiful, and it was mine.

"Thank you." I whispered, knowing my voice would break if I talked louder.

I swallowed my tears again but it started hurting and I felt my eyes flutter, letting more tears fall.

"At first, I wanted to bring you with me when I recorded it, but I decided it would be better if you were the first one to hear the final product." He stared at me a few seconds before moving his head slightly. "Come on."

I slipped my arms around his chest and leaned my head on him as he wrapped his arms around me. I closed my eyes and we remained in each other's arms for a few minutes before he gently fondled my back.

"I don't think you realize how big of an impact you had on my life, Liv." he continued. "You were there for me in a moment where I thought I had no one. You stuck by me, and you.. I never properly thanked you for calling El on that night."

I pulled away and looked in his eyes, sending a small but sad smile.

"You were there for me too, and I'll never forget that, Lou." I pointed out, looking down at my hands as I played with his fingers. "I mean, I had expected you to drop me and I wouldn't have blamed you. Niall's like a brother to you and you two have been through so much.. that comes first. I feel extremely lucky."

"There was no reason for me to choose between you and him. I took care of you because you were the one who needed me, and because you're my best friend."

"I was pathetic." I chuckled, shaking my head.

"You were hurt. We both were. And despite that, we helped each other. You realize that doesn't happen often, right? Normally, two persons going through the same thing can understand each other, but can't help each other. But you and I? We did both. We're invincible!"

This time, I laughed and licked my lips, nodding a bit. He was right, we went through so much together and somehow, we had helped each other out of misery in our own way. I had found my desire to live back with him... because of him, and the relationship I had with him was unique.

I thought about Niall and about how our relationship used to be unique, too. Perhaps, it still was and always would be, but I missed how it used to be. I missed how it used to be so easy between us and how nothing was awkward. I missed our talks, the fun we used to have, the inside jokes that made us laugh so hard that we couldn't breathe. And I missed him as a person, him as a best friend, him as a boyfriend. I knew I shouldn't live in the past but I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop thinking about going back to how happy we used to be together.

"Did you tell El about that song?" I asked cautiously, suddenly scared it would cast a chill between me and her.

"Mmhm, yea, she said it was okay." Louis tried to reassure me before chuckling. "Most of the album is about her so, she doesn't care."

I didn't want to say it out loud but I was actually jealous of his relationship with Eleanor. They were meant for each other and the way they loved each other was something I used to have but didn't anymore. I used to believe Niall and I shared the same kind of bond and love that Louis shared with his girlfriend but that time was over, and I couldn't help but think it was unfair.

"Okay, enough with this cheesy shit." he just said, hitting his own thighs slightly. "We're spending the evening together, okay? Pizza and poker. Like we used to do except this time, we can bet more money because you joined the rich asses club!"

I rolled my eyes and we both got up before I followed him to the kitchen.

"My ass is still as poor as it used to be, haven't seen my first check yet." I argued, raising my nose up.

"No problem, you can bet your supply of cookies!"

"Ah Ha! No way!"

He laughed more as he called the pizza while I grabbed a few beers in the fridge and got the cards. We sat exactly how we always did and he opened my beer, handing it to me before opening his and taking a sip from it. It was almost like a well rehearsed choreography and I smiled as he shuffled the cards. Quickly, he dealt them and I looked at those I got in my hands before he started talking again, grabbing a cigarette and lighting it up.

"So." he mumbled, taking his cigarette out of his mouth and breathing out the smoke on the side to make sure it didn't go near me. "What are you gonna do? Are you gonna tell Niall that you love him?"

I chuckled and raised my eyebrows, discarding two cards and glancing up at him.

"No." I let out firmly. "I'm getting married."

Louis stopped moving and after a while I looked up at him. He was staring at me and I could read a bunch of questions in his eyes. I grabbed a cookie from the box and put it in the middle of the table, trying to ignore the way he was looking at me but after a while, I just couldn't anymore.

"Okay Louis, say what you want to say." I let out with a sigh. "You normally don't keep it in so, throw it my way."

"When you say you're getting married, you mean you're getting married to Niall in a few years, that's what you mean, right? Because darling, marrying a man if you've got an other man in your heart, that's just fookin' unfair."

"I love Dylan." I argued, leaning against my chair.

"You love Dylan but you're in love with Niall." he replied a bit louder. "He's the one who's got your heart. He's got a hold on it that no one else ever did and probably ever will. You know it, I know it, and you know what? Dylan will realize it at some point. So you either try to find a way to get completely over Niall, or-"

"Or what? Or I give up the only chance I have to be happy with someone?" I cut him, my tone getting a bit harsh. "It's not my fault I fell in love with Niall, it's not my fault he broke my heart, and it's not my fault he came back! Why am I always the one who's got to give up everything when all i'm trying to do is survive and move on!"

I was on the verge of tears again and I shut my eyes tight, trying not to literally burst in front of my best friend. I loved Niall, I really did, but he was dating someone else. Yes, we had almost kissed a few times and yes, he told me that our friendship was worth saving, but that didn't mean he still had feelings for me. It didn't mean he wanted to be with me again. It didn't mean he wouldn't break my heart again.

"I'm sorry." Louis finally said after a few seconds of silence. "I know you're not ready to trust him and I shouldn't insist."

"Louis, I can't be with someone who doesn't want me." I pointed out after calming down, putting an other cookie on the table as he did the same. "Just because he wanted to kiss me doesn't mean this is love. Lust, maybe. But love is a strong word. He regrets hurting me and he apologized. That was more than what I expected."

"Of course he still loves you."

I looked up at Louis and felt my shoulders fall as I sighed.

"I don't trust Niall's feelings, not after what he did. He probably can't even trust his own feelings, you know?"

"He grew up, he probably learned too, like we did."

We heard the doorbell and I felt suddenly saved. Louis jumped up and sent me a bit smile before rushing to the door., I closed my eyes and breathed in and out deeply. Perhaps Louis was right and Niall still had feelings for me, but I wasn't sure what they were, or what his intentions were. I knew we should have a conversation but I was not mentally prepared for it. I didn't feel strong enough to go through it. I didn't want to hear how he really felt because no matter what it would be, it would either hurt me or force me into making a choice. I was not ready for neither.

                                                      ---

I rushed to the movie theater knowing I was a few minutes late and when I looked up, I noticed Niall waiting for me in the middle of the place, his hands in his pockets. His lips curled when our eyes met and I stopped in front of him, out of breath, my hands on my knees. He laughed and bent down to look at me and my heart skipped a beat when I realized he looked amazing, even from that angle. Who does that? No one.

"Out of breath?" he laughed. "Maybe you should get into shape? How about coming out for a run with me a few times a week?"

"I don't think that a person should run unless he's being chased." I just pointed out, moving up and making him smile even more.

"Okay, an other movie quote." he laughed as I tilted my head.

"Casey and I've got a lot in common."

"Just say you like Elijah Wood."

"Who doesn't?" I rhetorically asked with a frown, a small smile playing on my lips.

We decided on a movie and I felt him grab my fingers as we walked in the hall. I held my breath but he quickly pulled on my hand and made me twirl around. It brought a bunch of memories to my mind and I let out a laughter and squeezed his fingers before letting go of his hand.

We found a spot in the back and I felt suddenly nervous, playing with the fabric of my pants. I knew friends went to the movies together but I didn't want to make all of this awkward. The movie started almost immediately and we didn't really have time to talk but I felt at ease around him, the way I used to. It's only around the middle of the movie that I felt his hand on my knee. He started drawing shapes on my jeans and my lips parted. My heart skipped a beat and I glanced down at his fingers. I didn't know how I should react which resulted in me not doing anything. After a while, I couldn't focus on the movie anymore and closed my eyes, concentrating on how I could still feel his touch even after his fingers were away. The shapes were random... a circle.. an infinite sign (or was it the number 8?).. simple lines... but I never wanted him to stop. I felt my inner thighs start throbbing but weirdly, it didn't feel sexual at all.

I jumped slightly when they turned on the lights again and expected him to take his hand back but it lingered a few more seconds on my knee before he got up and extended it to me. I grabbed it without thinking but let go of his fingers as we walked out only to push them in the back pockets of my jeans.

"Enjoyed the movie?"

I turned my head to look at him and nodded slowly.

"Oh, uhm yea, I did." I sort of lied. "Did you?"

"Was alright."

We walked out and stood in front of each other as everyone else walked by and I couldn't help but glance around. I felt nervous and it was even worse when he took a step closer to me as someone passed really close of him. He looked down at me and I pressed my lips together but we kept silent for a while. To anyone who would take the time to study us, we most likely seemed on a first date but it was so much more complicated than that. And so much deeper, too.

"D'you.. maybe.. want to come home? Food and beer, perhaps?" I proposed with a shrug. "Louis and El are probably there, we could do something with them?"

His lips curled and he nodded. "Yea, yea, that's great, i'll meet you there."

I watched him and held my breath at how beautiful he was. Now that I had confessed out loud that I was still in love with him, it was really all I could think about. It hurt so much and at the same time, it was a relief to admit it to myself.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and took it off only to see a text message from Dylan. My heart skipped a beat like I was doing something wrong and I licked my lips nervously.

'Hey babe, I miss you, I hope we can talk soon.'

I started nibbling on my bottom lip as I typed an answer quickly. I missed him too and I had the feeling that if he was here, it would be easier not to fall even more in love with Niall. Or at least, I could always be reminded of what I could lose.

"Boyfriend?"

Niall's voice took me by surprise and I looked up, sending him a smile.

"Yea, it's the first time we're separated for so long so, we're not really used to it." I expressed with a shrug. "Plus, his days are intensive so when his day is over, he's exhausted and he needs to go to bed because it all starts again on the next day."

"That's why I brought you on tour with me last time." he pointed out. "I hated being away from you."

My lips parted for a few seconds as I kept looking at him and finally, my lips just curled. I hated being away from him too. I could easily remember all the times we were separated and it was horrible, even if we were only friends at that time. I wanted to mention to him that we had been separated for more than a year and also ask him how he felt about it, but I didn't dare.

"I couldn't go with him." I let out, regretting it immediately after. "I was... I'm busy."

He nodded, looking down, and I had the feeling I had hurt him but I was not sure how. I felt something stir in my stomach and cleared my throat.

"Okay well, i'll meet you at my place, you remember where it is?"

His eyes met mine and he smiled again before nodding.

"Mmhm, i'll see you there."

He brought his hand to my arm and I held my breath. His fingers were warm, making it obvious that my arm was cold. His skin against mine, despite my expectations, made me shiver and once again, my lips parted as my heart jumped in my chest. Something in his facial expression changed, too, and deep down, I wished it was the contact of his fingertips on my skin that shocked him, too.

I can't remember the walk to my car, and barely the ride home, but when I parked my car, Niall was already there, waiting for me next to his car, watching something on his phone. I got out and walked to him, a bit sad that his gaze didn't meet mine.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

It took a few more seconds for him to look up but when he did, I knew he had seen something that would bother me. He sighed and turned his phone my way to let me read the title of an online article someone had probably sent him. I noticed the picture first : Niall and I holding hands at the movie theater and the irony made me grimace. Didn't we get papped like that when he was dating Maya and I was with Harry? My eyes finally moved to the title and once again, I held my breath.

'Our favorite couple is back!'

That's when I knew we were both in deep shit. Again.