#im so stressed out rn about this grad school stuff

[josecariohca]

.

[ban-joey]

sending laser beams to my professor with my mind. kenneth you said midterm grades would b up by this afternoon. it is officially TONIGHT and guess what? kenneth i would love to not be clenching my teeth in my sleep tonight. kenneth i will be sending you a bill in the mail. yes i know its probably a TAs responsibility but i blame you personally. i hate school

[tacroyy]

first week of school. also want to add that ill try to do content warnings better for these! haven’t done a good job of that at all. mentions of racial and ableist slurs, discussion of stressed kids, food insecurity, institutional neglect and harm, general discussion of trauma

ok, thursday and friday weren’t bad other than me being beyond exhausted. i truly couldn’t have functioned without my adhd meds. the seventh graders are fucking amazing and we had The Best discussion, totally out of the blue, about prejudicial language, specifically the n-word and the r-word (both are problems at our school 🙃). i basically don’t have classroom management over them rn (or at least am not bothering to Exert It) bc their other teachers are Overreacting and being Too Intense bc it’s the start of the year so since they already know me it’s all steam blowing off in my class but honestly that’s fine. they don’t have to be non-feral until next week bc i just want them to Relax right now. the sixth graders just got lockers and are Going Through It emotionally so there’s a lot of “breathe, try again” and “nobody is doing tardies right now” bc some of them literally haven’t developed their fine motor skills enough yet and our locks and lockers are, no lie!!!!!, forty years old and Cranky. so that’s a lot of unregulated stress to channel off. i think i say this twice a week but i Do Not Understand how ANYONE teaches elementary school. makes No sense to me. beginning of sixth grade is often too young for me, really; so many of them haven’t developed that, like, independent rationality yet, and it’s A Lot when there are So Many of them.

the ideal way to end this first week would have been to have like a half day for prep so we could meet w teachers, contact parents/guardians, do sped referrals, seating chart upheavals, etc. there’s a lot of “ah, okay, here’s what This batch needs” even 3 or 4 days in, and it would just be so lovely and useful and productive and overall good for everyone to have that. for example i overheard a convo that made it clear that a family hadn’t signed their kid up for free lunch this year and so the kid didn’t get lunch so i had to run around and tell the right people (teachers don’t have access to that info) and make sure they got fed and all but it took my whole prep, and im obviously delighted to do that, but then i didn’t have any prep time and did my last three classes on the fly. not that this kind of thing doesn’t happen most days. it’s just that more prep time is imo the number one thing we need as a profession. i cant begin to express how much it would help everyone.

plus there are, as always, the kids that i just want to have a four hour productive meeting about every single day, where we hash out an Actual Plan. with a social worker, a reading specialist, a developmental psychologist, a pediatrician, a therapist, a sped expert, a speech therapist, an occupational therapist, a case manager, a para AND an ea and a secretary for notes. instead it’s me and the counselor who has a 250 kid caseload for ten minutes in the hall.

ive had a dream for a while, since grad school actually, of studying the affect of referred trauma on kids’ peers and school faculty and staff, especially peers and faculty and staff who also have trauma. the amount of shit that slides off of me now because you Have to grow the most perfectly balanced shield of “i will Act on this and Not ignore it” and “i must Remain Calm” and “I’ve just heard the Worst Thing Ever and have to teach for another four hours”. what does it do to you long term? what about the ones who get inured? and the ones who don’t? how can we actually help people handle this well? i know there’s So much stuff out there about secondary/vicarious trauma, and trauma informed education, and i want to be able to know if it’s at all useful or if it’s too tainted to use, like i now expect from basically all educational academia. to be clear i have already done a lot of work in this area but not for a while, and i wanted to reframe the fundamentals.

so glad we have a three day weekend now.

[rainbowdrink]

Get to Know Me Game!

@psycherprince tagged me, i tag [blank until i can find my friends tumblr]

you can steal it and say i tagged u :3c

Are you named after anyone?

my legal name (its sarah its not a secret lol) is a christian name that starts with S, so our family has three M's and three S's

chase (my chosen name) was stolen from this really GNC girl i knew in middle school who was moving so i was like oh i want a new name. ill have that one. true story

2. When was the last time you cried?

thursday, i was stressed about grad school and a full time job lol ill live

3. Do you have kids?

no but i have a kitty cat

4. What sports do you play/have you played?

I played soccer for a year growing up, and softball for several! i would love to get into sports again, or really anything that gets the body moving

5. Do you use sarcasm?

i work with neurodivergent children, sarcasm goes COMPLETELY over their heads,

6. What is the first thing you notice about people?

typically what theyre wearing tbh because i suck at eye contact and studying faces in general. its not in a judgemental way, i think clothing is just very telling

7. What's your eye color?

blue

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

happy endings but the conclusion has to be INTERESTING and satisfying and stuff.

9. Any talents?

im pretty good with kids?

im TRYING to get good at sudoku rn we'll see how that goes

10. Where were you born?

around portland or

11. What are your hobbies?

writing, bullet journaling, cleaning (no listen it can be fun), im really into dungeon meshi rn, trying to get back into cosplay, im cooking more

paper mario ttyd remaster is out now and on payday im gonna play it like crazy

12. Do you have any pets?

i have a kitty and at home my family owns a sweet old lady dog named mollie- shes 14!

13. How tall are you?

5'7 ish i think?

14. Favorite school subject?

Math and science were always my favorites

15. Dream job?

anything in the field of education/kids!

so teacher, teaching assistant, child psychologist, counselor

but also maybe higher education, like residential ed or college resource officer

[stewyonmolly]

hi hello im sorry that you had a bad day, i hope that things start looking up soon! other than today, howve you been recently? anything good thats happened that youd like to talk about? <3

thank you <3 i’ve been alright, i’m just really stressed with school and my internship and being on the eboard for choir AND my dad moving out rn because i’m helping him buy furniture and stuff. i’m just really excited for my dad to move out so i can be away from my mom but it’s looking like that won’t be until december or so which is utterly depressing. i’ve been writing a lot of helter skelter though! which is fun! i’m having a time of writing the post-grad sequel even though i shoukd really be focusing on year 3 LMAO and my tiktoks blew up a little which is just so fucking weird. hbu??? anything going on in life??

[tendercoretroglodyke]

I genuinely don't know if "read more" cuts actually work on mobile these days, but if not im so sorry mobile users--skip this or filter out #personal or #long post

I just went and read through some of my personal posts from the past like 8 years on this blog and I have some thoughts:

I really used to use this site wayyyy more for venting my anxieties and talking about my depression to keep myself from hurting myself, and to just organize my thoughts when I was overwhelmed and rationalize when my RSD was getting the better of me and looking back, I think it helped a lot (hence why I felt like doing this little reflection)

obviously it's not as helpful as therapy wouldve been, but it's like venting in a journal. except a journal where you could open it up to write a new entry without having to see your cringy last entry right next to it, which is nice

mostly I never expected ppl to read them (and if I thought about how many strangers potentially did read them I'd probably be pretty embarrassed) but it was always nice to get a note or two in comfort, even if I never replied to them

other thoughts:

I.... Kinda miss school?? Which is wild to say after reading all these posts about how anxious school made me, but I remember the glorious feeling of thinking I did horribly on something and getting like an A- in the end. I keep telling myself I'll get that old feeling and the support of structure and daily friends when I start grad school but honestly I think grad school is gonna be pretty different...

I def dont miss how depressed and awkward I was in high school but I miss having a solid group of friends at school I could joke around with AND a group of friends online I could talk to about personal stuff, fandom stuff, and gay stuff. genuinely they got me through high school... im sad we all drifted apart

that said, most of my high school friends still live in the area (one even sold me my spiderman ticket this morning!) so I could totally make plans w them...but then theyd remind me of my ex/exbff and that wound isnt quite healed enough for that yet (god forbid they actually try inviting her to the meetup)

reading these old sad, anxious posts about how stressed I am in the moment or how worried I am about the future (esp right before I graduated college and was worried about this exact point in my life, out of school, between jobs, future uncertain) I wanna go back and hug myself?? tell myself its gonna be ok??

like yeah rn I'm experiencing that limbo feeling of living at home w an unstructured life and no solid plans for the future that I knew was gonna happen after I graduated, but now I feel sturdier, like I know I can take it and come back on top. cos I've been thru shit like this before, yknow??

I've felt lonely and directionless so many times before!! and looking back on it, some of the best periods of my life came right after those times, when I decided I needed to get my shit together

Sure, I'm not graduating top of my class with a Master's and a career as a prestigious zoologist firmly ahead of me, but I'll get there. No rush. It's enough to just have a good friend and know I have plenty of opportunities ahead of me, even if my path to success isnt very obvious or direct or easy

Kudos to you if anyone's actually read this far. I definitely don't expect anyone to. Sorry if you got sucked into this shit lol but if you have that makes you an honorary best friend, bc only my best friends know this much about me

Congrats, new bestie!

This got away from me as usual, but believe it or not I DID edit this down lmao

[lihikainanea]

I saw you post saying you were accepting venting so here I am bc ya girl is going through it ...So like first of all, College is fucking my ass up rn and like I don’t even know how to explain it properly basically It’s just like so easy it stresses me out? Like this one assignment I have, completed was literally 3 sentences and there’s no word requirement or anything like that and it literally only asks one little question and is worth 2 marks but I’m just sitting here, so stressed to submit it even tho logically I know this is really all I can do my uni brain just can’t accept that I have a 3 sentence assignment and I’m like ���🤪🤪 losing it. ALSO THE QUESTIONS WE GET ARE SO STUPID ONE WAS LITTERALLY LIKE “if you were trained in x interviewing method for your job, under what conditions would you feel comfortable applying this technique” like trying to be all self reflective and I’m literally sitting here like comfort???? Bruh if I was TRAINED and it was expected for my job, Idk but MAYBE ID JUST DO MY JOB? TF DOES COMFORT HAVE TO DO WITH IT?LIKE DO YOUR JOB OR GO HOME??

And then in my other class, all the readings are literally from 1998-2004 in a field where THERE HAS BEEN SO MUCH ADVANCEMENT PARTICULARLY IN THE PAST 20 YEARS AND IM LIKE???? Why am I reading this?? It’s not even like the instructor is supplementing this information with class notes or relevant updates, nope she’s just like ok hey here’s some old as readings and a bunch of this shit is so outdated it’s literally incorrect (which I know from when we covered the topics in university with resources collected from this decade) like this is a Post grad program, you literally need a BA at minimum to get in and this whole thing is so stupid like why am I even here I should’ve just gone for my master’s instead bc at least my uni-geared mind would’ve thrived instead of me over stressing myself over college which is so dumb.

Also none of these stupid lil assignments have rubrics so it’s just like LOL OK COOL NO WORRIES. I can’t deal, I wasn’t made for college this shit is easier than high school like why did I even pay for it

And then ok so this is probably tmi but w/e, I have to do this 24 hour collection test and basically you go to the lab and get the collection jug and it’s a big jug but it doesn’t look like a big jug so I asked the lady for another one in case the other one gets full and she was like all skeptical and was like do you pee a lot? And like I don’t but my dumbass brain was like CHALLENGE ACCEPTED and I literally drank almost 4 liters of water today to full up this jug and I legit have a good quarter left to go.

Someone please shoot me in the heat, tysm

UGH. I mean, I struggled in university but it wasn’t due to subject matter, it was kind of due to the 287896965960 million other things I was seemingly expected to do at the same time. Move out? Support myself? Have a meaningful relationship? Make money? Save for retirement? have nice things? IDFK. none of it matters now but I do wish somebody had told me that those expectations are fucking insane.

I know what you mean though, I think some of us are kind of programmed to always be waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop. Like, why is this so easy? what am I missing? what am I doing wrong? what is going to go horribly awry in the near future to balance out how disturbingly easy this is?

Normalize that you are just good at stuff. I don’t know about you, but if my best friend told me something came really easy to her, I’d be like “Of course it did. You are insanely smart and it must mean you are just good at this.” speak that way about yourself.

Also, I’ve had to do the cortisol test. I can tell you, it was incredibly humbling to carry around my own bucket of pee all day. And by humbling, I mean like...fucking gross. Hope it all went okay xoxo

[fromtheshoresof]

rant

I have so much shit to do and I regret grad school and my life quite often, especially lately. after the week i’ve had im like so over everything. So instead of working my ass off (which i need to do literally as well, another thing that is stressing me the fuck out)  I’m going to rant about how some christmas songs are pissing me off and also how some of the traditions are creepy af. it’s an incredibly stupid rant, but i just need to get some anger out before i start working again.

songs:

baby it’s cold outside: it’s rapey af and gross. enough said.

all i want for christmas is you: i do like listening to it, but I dont like the message.

rudolph the red nosed rain deer: this one makes me so fucking mad. all the rain deer are assholes to him and are only nice after the head honch comes by and is like HEY YOU, YOU’RE SPECIAL GET OVER HERE. they dont like him for him. they like him now because he’s a favorite of the boss. and it also a symbol of how kids can be cruel. tbh I identify with rudolph a lot in that i was hella bullied as a kid. and i still am from time to time, but the shit I went through as a kid still scars me even over ten years later. i’m in my 20s and I still am pretty scarred for life by the bullying and avoid people who remind me of the people who bullied me. so poor rudolph. you deserve better.

santa claus is coming to town: so this one is like...creepy?

there are a couple more songs that really bug me but i cant remember them rn.

tradition:

merry christmas: so this one doesn’t really bug me but because people here in the US have made this a problem, i get annoyed. this fucking country guarantees freedom of speech and religion. not everyone subscribes to christianity and that is okay. if you are christian, that is okay too. but when people throw a fit (see republicans/especially trump and his supporters), it just annoys the hell out of me and probably a lot of other people too. i’m very much so a you do you as long as you dont hurt another person, and a lot of the right’s principles violate just that. im going to just leave it at this before it becomes too politically ranty. 

sitting on santa’s lap: it creeps me out, especially after listening to all the true crime podcasts i listen to. it’s children sitting on a random man’s lap telling him about their personal wants and stuff. maybe it’s just my anxiety, but that’s just like...dangerous. there are people who do the santa job without any scary intentions, but there are creepers out there. :/ 

i think i’m done.

i just really hate the song “rudolph the red nosed rain deer”.

[cheskalagran]

BYE 2018

This year has got to be the year jampacked with EVERYTHING. I might have the same motivation to write now but i gotta try for my future self. (bcos yaknow everything that I dont write eventually gets forgotten and i have no way of remembering, it just turns into a blank patch in my mind lyk 2017 lol) whatever happend to 2017??? i was scrolling through this blog and i didnt find any 2017 posts lol what??? was i in a trans or??? idk i have no memory of new year 2017. well i dont want that to happen to 2018 because theres just so much that happened so here it goes.

JANUARY- I started the year in qc.

Jan 2- I saw Mamsh for the first time in uptc. We bought my very first film roll. n Agfa Vista 200 in Satchmi.

Jan 7- i put my first film roll in. took a few shots. oh and im back in marinduque

Jan14 to the end of the month- im just in duque doing normal stuff i guess idk. More MSC days. I was really stressed about being irreg. lol

FEBRUARY-

feb 2 i went to Manila for the opening of Arts Month. IT WAS SO GREAT I NEVER FELT SO ALIVE IT WAS WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED, to live each waking day to be exposed to art. agh fun tyms. i spent 5 days in Bayview and everyday i went to luneta park for workshops and other shennanigans. While this was all happening i was also shooting for our Trends and Network (?) (subject) video. Reg was my partner in this video we were supposed to put a vissual on a poem our prof gave us.

feb 3

first time to eat yellow watermelon.

went to a baybayin writing workshop and learned how to write baybayin yay

saw autotelic, better days, sud and ben and ben that night

FEB 4- still there

feb 5- attended poetry night and saw mike coroza. saw mamsh again today and we went to national museum. It was the last day of arts month.

feb 6- i went home to duque

Feb 7- i edited my footage

~idk what date but hahaha the video i edited got 75 loooool but our prof gave us another chance to edit the shit.

feb 14- mundo- iv of spades was released. idk how this is relevant to me lol but yeah it was released on this day.

feb 17- UP fair that i wasnt able to go to. Finals week is near im so stressedt

feb 20- im editing the video again. we made a storyline instead of just putting vissuals on the poem.

feb 21- the stress was getting to me. i havent been sleeping bcos of finals and editing so i cut my hair short. the shortest it has been, they said i looked like hannah baker

~idk what date but i finally passed the video and we got 85 thank god for that curve lol~

feb 24- Im back in Manila. first time to ever play with the orchestra in a place which is not marinduque. Played in Makati along with Sta Isabel peeps.

feb 26-

Went to bgc--- to the overrated Venice grand canal place to be exact.

Saw Alex Aiono live.

Bought a new Murakami book (Wind Up Bird Chronicle) that i havent still finished until now

feb 27 to march- marinduque ++ more MSC things

March 29

practiced a viola piece for auditions sa ust but hey its 2019 and i didnt end up auditioning

Moriones festival (holy week)

Watched Baconaua a film by Joseph Laban shot in Mdq. the plot was also mdq related!!! and also socially relevant at present. its kinda about drugs--- well it is about drugs.

april 7- went to ust for enrolment

apr 8- went home na ata i dont even know

apr 13 ICON MANILA DAY1

went to manila for yfc’s 25th anniv!!!!! AAAA ICON 2018~ FULL BLAST

bRO THE THEME WAS MUSICALS AND THEY PERFORMED DISNEY AND THE GREATEST SHOWMAN THEMED THINGS HUHU MY HART IS HAPI

yfc reunion yey

APR 14 DAY 2 - FIREWORKSSS AND TALKS

APR 15- DAY 3

LAST DAY

GOT AN ICON DAVAO SHIRT

NASA ICON RECAP VIDEO AKO

APR 16 ARRIVED IN MDQ FOR FINALS

APR 19- SURVIVED FIRST DEFENSE

APR 23- FINAL DEFENSE

APR 26- SHELLY’S DEBUT

APR 30- FOUND OUT I DIDNT PASS THE UPCAT YO

MAY 3-

GRAD PHOTOSHOOT

SAGALA

MAY 8- 18TH

MAY 10- SURPRISE BDAY CELEB BY THE BEACH T^T gots a new laptop yey. got another murakami book from fiel. got a cool shirt from dem. got my fav necklace (which means so much to me since it has so much connection to who i am--- its a Sta. Claire/ St. Francis pendant from Rome.) Lola passed down a family heirloom to me--- her watch. <3

MAY 11- woke up after last night’s celeb for Graduatioooon.

May 11 to 19- stayed at home and watched movies and shi

May 20-

watched Musika sa Isla’s concert. first time that i sat out since i was so busy huhu.

Went out with Reg and went kayaking

May 21 and onwards more of doing nothing and watching movies and shii

May 29- went out with sum frends i havent seen for so loooong: isa, franz, angge, ira

Jun 2- went out with the fam and tita pina to the beaaachhh

Jun 15- My first provincial Shout!!! YBB LAGUNA!!!

Jun 18- went to shannon falls!!!! hiked and swam with the fam ++ dream favor fam

Jun 19- end of Prov Shout huhu went to amoingon with the YBB laguna team. swam some more in the beach.cried A LOT. said goodbye to fwends huhu

Jun 20- left duque for good

Jun 22- went to ust to settle thingz, dorm hopping

Jun 23- went to ust again

Jun -Jul scrabble, movies, wine, milktea, mc do and a couple of city thingz. Prepared for YCOM acad. long distance organizing with yasu huhu.

Jul 25- went home to duque for YCOM Acad!!! My first and last event as a the provincial YCOM head. cant believe we actually got to put this together huhu sml

Jul 26-28- finally had face to face organizing with the pcg. practiced songs and hosting.

Jul 29- YCOM ACAD NAAA. a lot of hard work paid off in this event. a lot if crying again. said goodbye to friends again.

Jul 30- left for Manila first thing in the morning

Aug 1- First day dorm life

Aug 2- Start of freshmen week. Freshmen pol sci orientation

Aug 3- ROARientation

Aug 4- got very drunk with batch mates uuuhhh which was wrong cos its just the first day and i probably made out with someone???uhhh

Aug 6- Tomasino na ako event. Saw Ben and ben and fourplay mnl

Aug 10-

went to cinemalaya with reg,kly and paul. was supposed to watch liway but ended up watching school service. bumabagyo rn hahahaha.

first time to ride the lrt loool

Aug 11-13- spent 3 days alone in qc aHAHAHA they were in cebu

~Lol kinda  dated a blockmate or whateva at this time uuhh~

Aug 17- parents visited manila, we went to intramuros

Aug 20- kuyas bday

Aug 21-saw reg and we watched another cinemalaya entry: Madilim Ang Gabi. sobrang slow paceeeedddd but ya it was about ejk. #SupportLocal

Aug 22 and onwards- A LOT OF READINGS

Aug 28- bar hopping with 7wonders

MORE STUDYING

Sep 5- saw Sud again in ust. org week ata??

MORE STUDYING

~kinda stopped dating that blockmate na~ ahahah

MORE STUDYING

Sep 21- saw shelly, aira, and fiel at Happy T. met someone but never talked again after that nyt. slept at fiel’s

MORE STUDYING

Sep 28- YFC GA

Sep 29- WENT TO SHE’S ONLY SIXTEEN’S 10TH ANNIVERSARY WITH MAMSH BROOOOOOO (XX: XX Makati)

ang bandang shirley

lions and acrobats

mellow fellow

rusty machine

oh flamingo

sandwich???

i forgot the others huhu

IT WAS WILD I LOVE SENA

OCT 4-5- PRELIMS ((no sleeping starts))

Oct 10-pre lims. got rly unexpected close friendships. slept at dean’s.

Oct 20- Island with shelly, ira, dean and sum binilde friends. met sum ppl. slept at mark’s

MORE STUDYING! ! !

~kinda started talking to someone i actually like~

OCT 29- FINALLY WENT BACK HOME TO DUQUE HUHU

OCT 29- went to the beach with reg trisha cavite peeps and kuya francis. saw kent kuya jm and jayson at kuya karl’s

OCT 31- inuman with friends i havent seen for so loooooong, drew, ira, pam, josh, angge

UNDAS- made my term paper about islam huhuhuhuhuhu d y i n g

NOV 3- went to the beach with yfc people huhuhu yasu mat ninyah and others. quest ang gracenote were there at villa aplaya also ahahaha

NOV 4- haaayyy left duque again :<

MORE TERM PAPER MAKING

NOV 14- first meeting of that ~someone~ im talking to. went to rou bourbon. agh i actually like this guy can u believe it

NOV 16- saw ~that guy~ again. went over to his place and met his dog

MORE STUDYING

Nov 23- saw ~ that guy~ again// study date

MORE STUDYIN BCOS FINALS IS NEAR IM DED

Nov 29- adventures with dean and mia at 3am. smoked a lot this month brOo i was ded more studying

Dec 2- mom visited me huhu lord tnx

Dec 3- Agape

Dec 8 onwards- FINALS WEEK a lot of smoking//very very very ded at this point

Dec 13- SURVIVED FINALS AND WENT OUT WITH 1POL3

Dec 15- i was high with kuya and claud

Dec 17- drank with kuya and claud

Dec 19- i was high

Dec 20- mom and micha and pau arrived

Dec 21- PASKUHAN with micha <3 ~the guy~ i was talking to ditched me lol. the dating thing was “paused” looooooool things started going downhill again but paskuhan was so fun!!!!! huhhuhuh definitely made me feel things. saaw ransom collective and spongecola <3 mia and chad r now together. micha slept in my dorm

Dec 23 and 24 and 25- christmas shenanigans in ateneo.

Dec 24- cinco ako sa nstp. i died seeing this

Dec 28- BANDERSNATCH!!!!!!!

Dec 29- went to bulacan for Kuya Oyo’s wedding cute couple

Dec 30-31- STAYCATION with the fam

DEC 31- went home and welcomed the new year. smy prof hasnt still replied for the cinco he gave me.

yaaaaalllllll 2018 was rough. a lot has happend. and im difinitely not the same person anymore. whats worse is that im kinda disappointed of what i turned out to be. :/ things are just sad. i havent been able to pick myself up until now. idk if im just in the right place or in the right time or with the right people but all u i know is that things could be in a much better place. i just hope that 2019 would put things in a better place. i cried a ton shit of tears this year. cut a few scars.left a lot of people. so much new things. it was my wildest year so far. Living independently alone, surviving college and the city life--- it was very different from what Im used to. but hey i survived and im proud of myself for that.2018 u were painful---so painful.  U made me try so hard and fail so hard at every aspect. I tried to maintain ties with friends even though it wasnt rly my thing. It was so hard for me to maintain connection agh but at least i still tried. Acads wise, I tried so hard to study for that one major prelim exam and i failed--- for the very first time, i failed a major exam. I tried to love--- yup--- thats totally not me--- i tried to date people. but lol things rly just dont work out sometimes. it be lyk that sometimes. ako pa yung dinitch HAHAHAHAH lol

the first half of the year was so fulfilling a lot of fun times. Never have i ever felt lyk i knew myself so much. everything i did was everything i wanted to do. For the first time i felt lyk i was turning out to be who i wanted to be but surprise everything turned around at the second half of the year.

it  made me feel lost it made me feel alone. its 2019 and that feeling hasnt changed. still a ton shit of anxiety. god Every holiday season i try my best to get in the holiday spirit but hah this year no matter how hard i try i wasnt just feeling it.  everything feels so static i dont wanna be like this anymore. The second half of 2018 made me feel like im the wrong place am i in the wrong place i dont know.

[booksbroadwaybbc]

Don't know what to do with myself. via /r/selfimprovement

Don't know what to do with myself.

Hi. I'm 21 and still in community college, but I did get my provisional admission to this university I wanted to transfer to. I work as a runner at Din Tai Fung and I'm supposed to make bank, but I don't really know yet because I'm a new employee. Headtitle question at the bottom

I think I've lived an okay-ish life, kind of. story time, skip to the end if you dont wanna read it I come from a Korean family, can't say I remember much of my childhood except mostly being beaten and yelled at. There were good times too, but they usually ended prettily shittily. Moved around a bunch, went to a lot of schools. I've dealt with a lot of abusive stuff from both parents, but I'm not going to talk about my mom because things have gotten better and she's still here for me(?). For some extreme stuff- my dad broke my brothers toes in elementary school. In my senior year, he threatened me at knifepoint and forced it into my hands and told me to stab my brother or he would stab me. Beatings from him were pretty bad, and it's not just belts and sticks bad. I played co-ed baseball in 5th grade, so bam, there was that too. He liked to throw chairs and literally flip tables when he was angry (hes a private construction worker, so he's pretty strong). Broke a lot of his phones throwing them at us, the wall, the floor, whatever. Ive had a lot of problems with my social affairs in highschool- anxiety, being cold, being short tempered, aggressive, violent, sharp tongued. I started warming up in senior year because of this girl I dated, which was a pretty big deal because gays are not allowed in this household. And well, im bi but its the same thing to them. Can't say that went too well, because my brother found out and blackmailed me in the situation we were living in. But who cares, because siblings hate each other right? Anyways, broke up with her, broke her heart, treated her poorly and whatever two years later we made up and was able to be friends again. Back to dad- he was usually never around for things like elementary grad, middle school grad, and highschool- my mom made him come, but he sure didn't seem happy about it. In highschool, he only laid down on his phone playi ng his shitty phone games. Doesnt talk to me, doesnt talk to my brother, doesnt talk to my mom. His routine: wake up, go to work, come home, phone games, eat, phone games, sleep. If you try to talk to him, he ignores you. If you press it, he'll give you some boring answer like "go away already".

Anywho, that abusive fuck was caught cheating. Had an affair with a client's sister. Sold the house we lived in, mom moved to Newark, him to San Leandro. Mom didnt want to deal with me, so I got the boot and lived wjth acquaintances in Hayward. Couldnt afford it, so mom told me to move to San Leandro with him. I moved in with my best friend helping me and we saw the evidence. Bambam, hello lady clothing and shit. I went apeshit nuts and he tried to convince me, then threatened that I would be in big trouble if i said anything. (Parents were separated but not divorced). Alright, ill keep my big mouth shut.

I worked for his "girlfriend" at her cafe in Berkeley. Why? Well, it was easy money and i needed it to keep up with my shitty coping habits- partying and party favors, mostly e. You dont have to deal with stress if youre always out partying.

Anywho, fast forward, skip a lot of details. Mom gets a phone call one day from mutual acquaintance saying dad is sick and asks her to bring him some food. Alright. So she does because she still cares, and finds out the truth. Calls me and demands me to come right now and unlock the door- note that this is a 40 minute drive. By the time i get there, theres hella police and a window is broken and theres hella shit going on. Things settled down but being my immature ass i scream at my parents for both being immature, and they shouldve just cut things clean. I yell at my dad for being a fuckhead and cheating, you didnt raise a liar but you are one. I yell at my mom for being irresponsible and breaking things. Police grabs my shoulder but i swipe it off and bam. Im on the floor, face into concrete, chipped teeth and i cant even see where my dog is. Tbh i was more worried that he ran off because he was still a puppy and i was holding him during this whole ordeal. My glasses got knocked off my face when those two officers fucking bodyslammed me into the ground. I'm 5ft4, i weighed like 130 at this time but im just a legit smol asian girl.

What happened next? Well yknow, i got arrested and sent to jail for assaulting a police officer, nbd. Sat there for a few hours, listening to some psycho making weird noises. Finally get some call saying that my mom was waiting for me, and she bailed me out. She was crying a lot and told me that my dad didnt even bat an eye as they took me away, that he smiled and tried to fix his goddamn broken window. I believe it too, because I saw that shitty smirk on his face when i got to the scene. My mom has a bit of an uncontrollable temper so she looks psycho when the other person was the wack one. This was in January 2017.

Skip forward to the next police thing. June 2017. My mom demands that i pack all my shit and move back, and she wants to go with me. I plead no, but what am i gonna do against her? Alright, we drive and she starts saying stuff about lying and calls the bitch a slut and homewrecker and stuff, dad gets up to stand inbetween and stuff. Tells her to move than basically shoves her across the living room towards the door. **insert hysteria and bam again, screaming and each other, his hands on her, me trying to squeeze my body in between them and get his hands off of her. Doesnt really work cos he turns on me, hits me away and goes back to beat her. My screaming doesnt really help either, but i try what I can to claw his arms off of her. Nooooo, bad idea, but better me than her. He grabs me and my head is locked into his elbow so I bite down, arm. Baaaad idea again, but its in self defense imo. Im just trying to help my mom. He p much beats me up into a pulp her, grabs my shirt all the way up and yikes thats embarassing. The struggle goes on and eventually its calm again because slutface is like "honey staph"- note: only words and no actions to get close, buuuut, it works. Me and mom move to my room and start removing all my weebshit from the walls. Mom is muttering and saying a bunch of bs for him to hear and he storms into the room because hes fucking triggered and start the violence again. Oh but this is where i do the fun thing- i lunge myself at him so im like on top of him but holy shit, he legit pulls me off of him and throws me against the wall cabinets, and two hand chokes me, with his knees on my chest. Mom starts screaming at him, claws his face and soon the police are here and shit. Bitch called the police, and this is where it gets more fucked up. I legally live here, its on my license. I came back to move out, so its okay for me to be here, because i came to pack my stuff and take whats mine. So why exactly did the police not believe me? Why did my mom get arrested for putting dumb scratches on his face when he beat us, with pictures - that day- to prove that he inflicted more wounds on us. We were just defending ourselves. He put his hands on us first. Anyways, that starts my worries cos im like. Im 20, but idk what to do. How do i find money to bail my mom out? How do i even do that in the first place? But i managed.

Anywho skip forward, jackass is no longer in my life, tho i have to deal with him through my brother from time to time. Parents officially divorced Feb 2018. I've lived with my mom, she bought a cafeteria for a little bit so I worked there. Things were really hard because my mom had a lot of pent up anger that she would take out on me. My brother moved out because he went to university so he didnt really have to deal with much. Im also the older child, so bam. Anyways, we fought a lot. A LOT LOT. Like apeshit crazylot. I took a lot of beatings. It was like the weekend before Christmas of 2017 where a took a huge beating and ran away from my problems by going to my now-ex's house. He offered me to move in with him and his family, so I did. I had the choice of going back to my moms lifestyle and attempt to make up, or trying to live a different life. I lived with him from like Christmas to March 2018. We started having a lot of problems because he regret inviting me, he wasnt ready to give up his personal space and I was done babysitting someone who was older than me. Doing his laundry, doing his dishes, cleaning his room. I was done with being bored, never going out, being ignored while he did the same thing my dad did. Sit on his phone and not speak a word. Yeah, there were good times too, but they seem so fleeting when it seeps in with your own personal trauma of being ignored. Btw- when i moved to his place, my brother moved back home to fill the gap, but my brother is better with dealing with my mom and she doesnt blow up at him.

After I moved back, it was better. Yeah, shit went down sometimes but i guess overall it was better? My mom cried a lot. I would hear her talk on the phone with her family members in Korea and cry about how she was tired of everything and didn't want to do it anymore. I know exactly how that feels. Well, in the later months of 2018, we got along better and havent really had those blowups. I tried my best to stay home more instead of going out at night because she hated it. I tried to be nicer to her and more compromising. She's in Korea rn and things suck. During the whole parents thing, it sucks to feel like your parents are passing you to each other likea toy they dont want. It sucks to not really feel familial love growing up, where mom is just doing things because shes supposed to and dad just flat out pretends you dont exist. It sucks that it takes two years of partying, drugs and cons to find out

Submitted October 31, 2018 at 10:33AM by xfirelily via reddit https://ift.tt/2CRsVBn