#im sure this is tmi to some folks but as long as im doing this for even tiny amounts as reward

[izzy-b-hands]

S W shop talk and random abt the day stuff below. no details abt the actual vid just filming talk and me whinging abt my joints lmao, but scroll by if this aint ur thing

i just finished an hour and a half of straight filming for the u kno what blog lmao

it'll be my longest one yet, and idk exactly how to go abt it yet (cut it up in davinci and post clips with the offer for the full vid if they m$g me? post the whole thing and comment that it's an example of a vaguely niche ish thing that I'd be happy to do customs for and hope someone wants to set one up????)

but im proud of myself. yesterday into today has been nicely productive counting everything including this, and while this last thing maybe isn't a traditional accomplishment to be proud of, this is a bigger step for me in that direction. My audience is small but bigger than i thought it would ever get and like.

the money is v little. but maybe if i keep trying to improve it will become more, and in the meantime im quite satisfied with the latest few comments from ppl aksndjfnf

that said tho GOD im old and things aren't working well if ever they did and like. my knees ache. we walked the beach earlier yesterday and between that and the Posing for this bit of work, I've aggravated my right knee and ankle especially, and am standing typing this waiting for the radiating pain to stop so i can walk on that leg and take a fucking shower lmao

Worth it tho, for all of it

[lumineescente]

Seungjin drabble (slowtober challenger)

hii im doing a thing called slowtober (made by @/oeildesaturne on instagram, french speaking folks check it out!! although be aware of tw mental health and eds talks) and i’m posting on twitter a seungjin au per word

I’m late in the updating on tumblr but for the eight days (october 22nd - 25th) The word is "ritual"!

I went with an inaccurately historical au, European (France) 17th century Seungmin is a "witch" like they used to call them and Hyunjin is an apothecary/pharmacist

As a personal tmi I really ADOOORE this period of time and if i get to write this au, it'll be inaccurate for several reasons but I did spend a lot of my free time when i was young reading about it and learning about it sooo! This was so fun

Tw: period related homophobia (implied)

AND if you enjoyed this challenge who is now over you can vote on this form for your favorite that I’ll be writing into a full fic on ao3! (“soumettre” is “submit” btw)

if you want to check all the drabbles you can go here

The clock on top of the front door ticks in a familiar motion. Hyunjin does not bother looking at it, silently counting the sounds in his head and when he finally reaches sixty, the door opens. 

He has to stop himself from smiling too brightly. Seungmin is a very predictable person, Hyunjin means it in the most positive way, and with time he had learned with enthusiasm to understand all of Seungmin's rituals. He is not sure if the latter has noticed that. 

"Good evening," Seungmin's voice whispers. 

The shop is empty. It is a late Thursday night and no apothecary should be open at that time, except Hyunjin's definitely not a simple apothecary. 

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything." 

Hyunjin swallows back the fact that he has been waiting for him all night long. He just shakes his head, "of course not." 

The nobleman seems relieved. The lights in the shop are dim, it would be best for both of them if no policemen starts wondering about the shop activities on the side. He knows very well that Seungmin is also a very careful man and would have made sure to come here in a discreet manner, like most of Hyunjin's clients he has as much to lose as he does. Maybe worse. Seungmin puts his hat and coat on the coat hanger near the door. He watches the way he carefully folds the coat, in an inexplicable yet seemingly very important way, because he does it like that all the time. A man of ritual, Hyunjin thinks.

Hyunjin does not need to tell him anything because he knows his way around and they are both comfortable enough by now. After all they both know each other deepest and most dangerous secret. Sometimes Hyunjin can't help but wonder if Seungmin might keep another kind of secret. Sometimes with the way his eyes linger on Hyunjin when he believes he is not seeing him, or when their fingers brush and his cheeks are colored in a pink tint… sure sometimes Hyunjin lets himself think about it. 

“Full moon’s ritual?” Hyunjin asks him, when Seungmin is ready to listen to him, even if once again, he knows that the answer is yes. Seungmin’s practice seems to be mostly oriented toward the moon and its phases so Hyunjin carefully checks it every night. 

“Yes,” Seungmin answers, “and some other things I need. I got a bunch of my, uh, clients asking for my help.” 

He slides a piece of paper on the counter. Hyunjin carefully looks at it. Seungmin’s handwriting is neat and precise. He describes exactly the quantity of each plant and other ingredients he needs. Seungmin was actually the only person Hyunjin has ever met who had more knowledge than himself on the subject. Maybe because Seungmin comes from a higher line, richer and more powerful, he has access to information way before Hyunjin could, receiving books and reports from overseas expeditions, places Hyunjin barely manages to imagine in his own mind. He is not sure why Seungmin still comes to him, in his little shop, in a part of the city which probably takes him a while to go to, and risks being caught. Or maybe he does not let his mind wander in the reasons. 

Hyunjin has already prepared everything for Seungmin, he just needs to take a few other things in his cupboards. Seungmin waits for him patiently, looking around in the shelves to keep himself busy. 

He still remembers the first night Seungmin came to the apothecary. Hyunjin's side practice is not known by many so Seungmin must have been close to one of his most important clients to be there, as there is no way to randomly find about it, Hyunjin always makes sure of it. Seungmin was very shy, and embarrassed, like he was not sure why he had come here at first, or maybe like he was not sure if it was safe enough. Their first talks were mostly in codes, making sure that both of them were on the same page. Hyunjin never ever judges his clients. He has seen it all, and he does not care what they will do with what he gives them. He is far from stupid, he knows the amount of poison murders that has been happening in the high classes and he probably knows he has played a part in those killings, some would say. He sleeps better at night, not asking any questions, only handing the ingredients. What they do with that is far from his worries, once they have closed the door of his practice and he is counting the money. People might die. He gotta live. 

Seungmin seemed different. The shyness first of all had nothing to do with most women or men discretion. None of them were really shy. They were commanding, arrogant, haughty, but they knew what they were to lose if they got caught. Seungmin spoke softly, handed him a carefully folded piece of paper, a very beautiful paper Hyunjin had noticed, and the ingredients written on it had nothing to do with the usual... preparations he has been asked to make. Another thing Hyunjin had noticed immediately was how cute and pretty Seungmin was, he kept that to himself. 

Slowly but surely Seungmin warmed up to him, because Hyunjin always made sure to make Seungmin comfortable and it was obvious that it made the latter happier a bit more every time. More and more Seungmin would smile genuinely at him, dare to look him in the eye, linger a bit longer in the shop when it was not necessary, brush their hands whenever he had to grab for what Hyunjin was giving, explain to him why he would buy this and that, or make a compliment. More and more Hyunjin would stay awake at night thinking about him, making sure to remember all the rituals he was following, in his own practice or in his life. 

Hyunjin looked forward every time he knew Seungmin would cross the back door of the shop. 

“Here,” Hyunjin tells him when he is done measuring everything Seungmin needs. 

He makes sure to let his hand linger near the package and Seungmin does exactly what he expected and his fingers brush the back of his hand. He is happy with the small touch. 

“I have something for you too,” Seungmin says. 

“You do?” 

Seungmin takes something out of his pocket, “one of my own clients offered me this, you might have heard about it… chocolate powder.” 

This time Hyunjin can not hide his surprise, “I’ve heard but…” 

Seungmin has a shy smile, “it’s good, and you can make it sweeter.” 

“I thought only the people of court had access to it,” Hyunjin comments, staring at the powder like it would have been a magic one, “I did not realize those were your clients.”

Seungmin puts a finger over his lips, “I have a few secrets I might tell you one day.” 

Hyunjin stays quiet, when Seungmin winks at him, he giggles. Seungmin puts his own package in his pocket before going back to his coat and hat.

“Good night, Hyunjin,” he whispers softly. 

Before Hyunjin can answer anything, the man is gone. Hyunjin gasps for air, his heart beating faster in his chest, and his cheeks burning red.

[your-bigender-big-brother]

(same demigirl possibly trans guy anon)

first off, ty for being so nice? i wasnt expecting that tbh... but yh

and to answer your question... and sorry if this is tmi but... the vast majority of gay men like dick. like... only. and being afab i do not have that so even i said "hell yeah fuck society im a gay man too" no one would really take me seriously. itd just be like im invading their space. thats why i think, or know, that i cant be a gay man.

as much as bigender or demigender sounds interesting, it wont change anything. yk? im sorry im ao sinical about this i just... idk... you don't have to respond i knoq im being annoying

You can absolutely be a gay man without needing certain body parts! /nm

There are open-minded gay men out there for sure. I'm engaged to a gay cis man and he doesn't have any sort of "preference" like that, even though I'm the first trans guy he's ever been in a relationship with. Sometimes it takes some time, and a firm "This is who I am and you cannot change that." The good ones will be what's left.

I don't think that you're being annoying and I totally understand feeling cynical. Us trans folks tend to get pushed around and policed an awful lot, and we end up feeling like we might be better off identifying in more "palatable" ways so that we don't upset anyone. I've tried to hide myself for a long time, and it's just no way to live.

I hope you end up figuring everything out. You're always free to send me asks when you need to.

- 💙💚

[jooheongif]

it's theory anon,hi!!how are YOU?i'm really good rn thanks:)) thank you for your kindness again,i'm really happy i could somehow help to help you feel even a tiny bit better and hope you're doing well now,too(and it's ok to not rest on your day off but it's also ok to do so if that's what you feel is right for you atm!).about the mf(ilm), i thought the same thing, it felt like a parallel universe type of story!i also really love plotlines about friendship, (again cont.i'll try to be briefer!)

(i’m so sorry i wrote a rly long reply so i’m gonna put this under read more !!)

2. friendship is beautiful and i feel oftentimes underappreciated(but not mx!there they go again being amazing) so i love the concept. personally i like not knowing what exactly the producers were thinking because having my own interpretation of something and seeing other ppl have their own fills me with wonder,like,that's art!so many people think so many different things and no one's wrong i love it!!your thoughts about them appreciating everything they've done so far,you're absolutely right(cont) 3. i hope they are able to bc everything's so hectic for the.i get lost just looking at their official schedule,i don't know how they do it but i also hope they are aware of all these things bc those are all mindblowingly huge accomplishments in my opinion and i just want them to feel like their hard work is worth it,yknow?(is this comprehensible?)and i know they feel pressure because as you said the business is nasty but yea i hope at the end of the day they can feel like (cont.???again 4. everything they've put so much of themselves into is worth it,i love their energy and fierce determination and i just don't want them to lose it but maybe as you said feel less pressured..but then the only way would realistically be to make sure they get awarded in the Real World so we're all doing our best in the system&hating it as you said:/ they just mean so much to so many people i want them to feel that too!i try to contain myself but here i go again! sorry it's so long AND i have more(con 5. also!thank you for your big reply and sharing your thoughts i mostly just agreed with (but you're right so what else can i do),i don't have mbb friends to vent to and fanperson(is there a gender neutral term for fanboy/fangirl?) over mx with and this is really nice and fulfilling(again,if i'm boring you,you can just delete the messages and not reply!) so THANKS!it's great to strive to be a better person but i feel like one(you) should also acknowledge the good things they're already doing(cont?) 6. you showed such pure kindness and really melted someone's(my) heart and that's a Big Deal!djkghddgwe can agree that we both inspired each other :') also please i feel like you're such a wonderful soul and you really deserve every bit of gratitude and appreciation i managed to express(i feel a lot moreprobably) so!yeah!reminder that you're lovely and deserve to be appreciated and i'm also very,very happy you're here!you made my day brighter for the 2nd time now wow!thanks! i hope you and(cont.:() 7. your gorgeous heart are taking good care and enjoying your day/night! and this cb!i really like it i haven't had time to listen to the entire album but jealousy!is a bop honestly it's my type of jam and the choreo is stunning and so are their voices!iwas so skeptical about the lyrics(they could've been like hero or stuck and those made me a bit >:/ honestly) but i really should've known they wouldn't fail me in any way ever!i can't wait to hear the rest of the songs i hope you enjoy them too!bye

hi theory anon, it's nice to hear from u again ! firstly, i am so sorry for the slow reply to this ! but im rly glad to know that u are doing good :-) i'm doing ok too thank u !! how are u ? kfjjfdsjfdf sorry that u had to read my tags but thank u for saying that !! i just feel so guilty when i do nothing bc im absolutely terrified of time passing too quickly ? just the thought of letting a few minutes go to waste is overwhelming ? even though i know it's not rational to think like this but ??? theres just this constant feeling that im running out of time so i try to get rid of it by always doing smth ?? and feel bad when i dont ? idk ?? but anyway im working on it and ill be ok ! sorry..not to be dramatic and tmi and all that kjdfdj istg this blog gives me too much freedom to say...too much :( (hope the internet folks that collect metadata never read the garbage i write bc..yikes they aren't gonna hav the best time) anyway..yea. what a paragraph to start off this reply :( sorry for the honesty and saying so much all the time btw :( not that being honest is necessarily a bad thing but ! idk every time i write smth i suddenly feel extra self conscious and feel like deleting it bc im rly embarrassed and always end up having big regret later when i reread anything ive typed up !! but i just keep writing them anyway bc...idk ?? i'd rly hate it if someone got discouraged from sharing their thoughts/worries/feelings which i think is a rly important human thing :( so  yea im rly embarrassed w anything i write but i'll keep doing it anyway bc i'm all for that kind of stuff and sometimes i know its not easy and it takes someone a lot to share that and its a good thing and i dont ever want anyone to feel discouraged from doing that ! anyway i just felt like i rly needed to say all of this..but pls dont feel obliged to reply to this mess !! anyway back to mx ! you are right :( i also hope mx feel like what they've done is worth smth w/e their definition or standard of that is :( like.. all of the hard work they've put into being mx it certainly means so much to fans but i hope all the hard work they've put into being mx also means smth to them at the end of the day and they are happy w what they're doing and what they've achieved so far :( and yes we'd love mx to always be rewarded in the real world :( though we love them and we want to get them a win, i know that everyone has their commitments, means and different circumstances and we can only do so much :( but even if u think its just a small contribution, everything adds up and counts and i know that all mbb hav contributed in some way in helping them get another win for this cb ! there are some mbb who can't buy albums or streaming passes and things and i hope they don't feel bad for this :( even if all you can do is watch the mv once or twice, even if you could only vote, i hope you know that it all counts and matters !! abt mx's schedule, i get tired just by looking at their weekly one idk how they can even put up w it all ?? after this they'll hav their japanese album and things and then they'll have their concerts and on top of all that apparently [some of them are also studying] ????? they are so hardworking :( HOW do they do it !! just..thinking abt their schedule is overwhelming !!! also pls dont think that you're boring me or anything like that :( im so thankful for any msg i receive and the fact that u actually took the time to type out smth to send to me ?? im so grateful ?? u are never boring !! honestly even if u sent me a stainless steel dishwasher manual w the page length of like..23 bibles, i'd still love u for it and i'd prob read all of it :( btw thank u sm for saying all those kind things !!! receiving kindness for the 3rd time is rly !!!!!!! and once again i've done nothing to deserve it :( i dont even know what i can say to you that will ever be enough to thank u again or to top what u hav already said ! if there was like a...maslows hierarchy of kindness of smth, ur at the very top of that triangle and anything i say will never be as kind as what you have said !! for you, i can agree that we both inspired each other :-) but really thank u so much from the bottom of my heart :( i hope you know how kind and lovely u are too ! if nobody told u this today, i wanted to say that im rly grateful to know u and i'm happy that you're here !! thank u again for being so kind and thoughtful and for making me smile !! :( same, i havent properly listened to the whole album either bc ive just been letting it stream in the background (but i dont count that as a proper listen unless i listen w headphones tbh) ill give it a good listen one day ! also im a repeat 1 kind of garbage person until i feel the need to listen to a new song ?? and rn jealousy to me is a song that gets better w every listen ??? shes too powerful atm :( one day ill listen to another song but today is not that day ! Actually.....I think jealousy is my fav mx song ???? before this cb i didnt hav a fav bc i couldnt pick the song i liked most out of blue moon/blind/fighter/incomparable. i was just gonna base it off the one w the most play count out of those 4 but now i know its jealousy ! what are ur fav mx songs ?? btw i know im always saying that anything mx releases is always a masterpiece no matter what, but in all seriousness its ok if u didn't like smth they released. i don't think it makes u any less of a mbb if u didn't enjoy a certain release or if u only liked one aspect of a thing but not so much the rest of the thing. anyway not to sound so...stale and commonplace but for lack of a better word/sentence, at the end of the day your own reactions and feelings to a piece of art like music...it's all just subjective isnt it ?? not liking that thing doesnt mean that its not a masterpiece or its any less of a masterpiece to someone else either so !! it's ok !! anyway this is rly....ive written a lot and its all over the place and incoherent probably :( i'm sorry !! feel free to reply whenever u feel like it, or no pressure on never replying at all btw ! also feel free to disagree w anything i say ! thank u sm for talking to me abt mx bc ive also got no mbb friends so !!! thank you :( theres so many times where i rly want to start a conversation w someone but im too scared and also i've got no clue abt how to initiate conversation ! and the times when i do manage to...i get stuck on how to keep the conversation going ? but when i figure smth out then im coming for u @ friendship !! i hope u had a good weekend and that you got some rest and that ur doing ok wherever u are !! until next time, take care ❤️❤️❤️