#im trying to romanticise my life idk whether or not it’s going well

[strwberri-milk]

Hi hi hello! Can i request mordern high school love with thoma? Reader being a gentle and reserved person being more popular among the juniors and thoma popular for his charm and being on the basketball team. Theyre relationship isnt too open but its not a secret either. They try to keep it low key of course

Now imagine the small moments with him :( after school studying at the library, walking home together, recess on the rooftop, arcade dates on the weekend and him winning you a plushie that we know sleep with evry night :(( him asking you to prom and being a gentleman :(( him coming over after school to study but end up staying over cause of the thunderstorm outside :(( our parents love him hes so sweet

(Pls help im so delulu for him)

ngl i love. modern high school aus theres smth about the simplicity of high school and being in the in between where you're *almost* an adult but still treated like a child and knowing youre about to ?? crest smth that everyone talks about anyway idk i really romanticised my high school life and ngl all my friends are from higschool LMAOO also the whole freshman/junior/sophmore/senior thing makes no sense to me idek if i put this in the right order and i wish prom was more of a thing here bc yall make it seem so fun

Thoma is definitely that kid that people know of, but don't really know all too well. He's really nice and all the teachers and students like him, and of course being both attractive and athletic made him that much easier to admire.

You had a crush on him for what feels like forever, wishing that one day he'd notice you out of all the other people who liked him too. He had so many admirers due to how kind he was, but being his friend you knew that there was so much to him.

When he finally asked you out it was the most cliche, yet sweetest way he could have ever done it. He drove you to a place that the two of you often frequented. When you got out, you turned around to see a picnic he prepared for the two of you, thinking it was just another nice thing he was doing for you because you were a little stressed out recently but the flowers and shy look on his face told you otherwise.

The two of you didn't go out of your way to tell everyone you were dating. Thoma just wasn't as willing to let people touch him as much, and you were seen hanging around the basketball team a little more often than before. Thoma always walked you to class anyway if he could, so people couldn't really tell the difference until one day they saw him give you a hug.

By that point everyone found out pretty quick but the two of you didn't feel the need to justify anything to anybody so you'd just confirm that you were dating and that was it.

Thoma always loves taking you on various dates whenever you can. He would see what kinds of places pop up on his feed and scout them out before taking you out for a night on the town (until curfew of course).

Your parents were really trying to look for something to be wrong with him, not wanting him to distract you from your life or end up in an unsatisfactory position of your heart being broken or anything like that. However, the fact that he constantly brought you home on time and made sure to say greet your parents every time as well as bring them treats he baked himself made it hard for him to stay hated in their eyes.

He's constantly gifting you things that remind him of you. If he's at the grocery store then he's giving you a candy that you liked. If he's at the mall he found some accessory he thought you'd look good with. It doesn't matter when or where - you're always on his mind and the trinkets you've accumulated from him are proof of that.

Whenever there are any events locally he loves to take you to them. Whether it be some sort of festival or just a pop up his favourite thing to do is explore the grounds with you and spoil you with prizes or the food there. He's got no limits when it comes to you.

Exam season means crunch time. The two of you are forcibly holed up by each other to try and get studying done. He's a hard worker so he's got tons of study tips for you if you need it and the right amount of rewards too. Whenever you get a practise question right or finish a writing prompt within the time limit well he always congratulates you with a hug or a kiss.

I can see him being super into doubling too. The two of you are one of those people who are constantly on call just doing random shit together. Neither of you has to actually talk to the other person - you both just like being in each other's presence.

Your room and bed are both filled with tons of things that Thoma gives you and he can't help but grin to himself whenever he comes over and sees it. He's got photos commemorating everything on his phone, glad that you like the things he gives you as much as he likes you.

Thoma absolutely adores you and I can see the two of you being high school sweethearts. He comes to your events and you to his, and the two of you end up living a perfectly happy life together, glad that one day oh so many years ago the two of you were assigned lockers next to each other.

[catlady-ily]

dear diary;

it was pretty sunny again today which is cool. i didn't need my jumper too much, which was slightly inconvenient as it's a bit big and a struggle to fit into my bag. fun fact; i at some point didn't like how my 12yo brother and i were the same size (i'm older than him!!! i'm meant to be bigger!!!!) so when we were uniform shopping i got my mom to buy me a jumper that i have found is comically large on me. my gf teases me for it. atleast it's warm tho!!

we had a science test today, and i think i did pretty well!! i was paying a lot more attention in class than usual and studied quite a bit the previous night, and i think it paid off!! i'm rlly proud of myself and i'm going to try to do the same thing for the math test on monday. usually i don't study for math test and don't make the back-to-front a4 page of notes we're allowed to use during the test and score pretty well anyways, but i'm looking forward to seeing just how well i can do if i properly study!! i rlly wannt get my shit together this semester-

during HaSS class (humanities basically, this term it's geography) an entire half of the class was away! the funniest part was that it was the half of the seating plan i sit on... needless to say, it was very empty on my side of the classroom T^T

english class we had another library lesson which was awesome!! i kept reading the fault in our stars, and it's getting really good!! that book is so melodramatic i swear- anyways, there was a bit of relationship drama between two of my friends, which made me very glad that my bf and i don't argue - i like how we actually talk any problems out that we may have rather than make a huge deal out of it and get the whole friend group involved and have our feelings really hurt- no hate to those friends of course, but what they're going through seems very stressful and i'm not sure if my weak little anxiety-ridden self could manage that-

anyways, i started crocheting some heart squares!! i'll post some pics later as well as a link to the tutorial i used. crocheting is so fun and therapeutic, i love it!! :3

it's getting a bit late and i have work tomorrow (my shifts start at 7:30 and finish at 12 on both saturdays and sundays T^T) so i'll have to end this here, but i'll post further updates tomorrow afternoon!

love, kitty 💕

[floralkittygambler]

Reposting for reasons

Response to Honest’s post here: Doing this to spread this awareness more as I know theres a bit of a rift in the critical community - plus I really fucking go on. Im PISSED and I do apologise however it NEEDS urgent addressing. I know people will hate me for it but Im used to hate and honestly? Hating rather than helping to solve the issue only furthers my fucking point here. So yeah this is so more people are aware (no offense to any of those involved in said rift either, but this is an important message. Thank you for understanding and if I can do anything to make all sides comfortable, then please message me and I’ll do my upmost.) “ More awareness of this is needed. Even if it’s your favourite, you can’t justify their shit but rally against another’s shit. Have people tell you you’re experiences arent real or invalid because, like Husk, people have - in real life - shipped you with someone you are far from comfortable with but you still treat them like a person. Because you have basic respect. And people force you to accept harassment, touching, stalking, advances for THEIR satisfaction. People use you for their fantasies. But you’re just a ‘tsundere’ for it. Or you have addiction issues but people think being with another addict will ‘save’ you because you’re apparently too incompetent to save yourself. Love isnt some magic fuckin cure so stop romanticising it as a fuckin saviour. It’s gross and fuckin creepy. Get stalked and have someone NEVER accept your no just because you show youre still decent enough to not treat them shitty or any different from anyone else. Try having someone way older or way younger (both in morally fucked up ways) advance on you and people encourage that. People you’re supposed to feel safe around.

People touch you when you pull away or show discomfort. Follow you home. Have pictures of you and wont accept you dont like them like that and it’s not ‘playing hard to get’ or ‘the thrill of the chase’. Fuck. OFF. In fact, Im not only disappointed in the fandom. Im disappointed in the entire team who some should know better from their OWN personal experiences - or at least the bare minimal of being a fucking adult. Im disappointed in especially females (sorry idk whether girl or woman is more appropriate here-) who statistically are more likely to have experienced something similar at some point in their lives think this is a cute gay moment. No. Angel is made out as a fucking predator - Im not saying he is, Im saying that his persistence is very fucking unwelcome like one. People like Husk dont need that fucking invasiveness. They/We need patience and someone on our level. Angel’s I know are the fuckin polar opposite - and some of them I know are very sexually harassing, including unwanted touching. It’s a shitty way to present gay people. Gays are fuckin people. Some are cunts and some arent. It’s a HUMAN thing. But considering the shit theyve been subjected to, presenting a gay as a victim only to also show them as a perpetrator is insulting! And for those Ive seen argue this about how people like AD wouldnt know how to express their love normally and whatnot? His pig. His best friend. He’s in his fucking 30s. There are literal real life criminals who get molested as kids and then go on to molest kids. Not all who grow up like that turn into nonces. Stop just fucking STOP justifying and romanticising this bullshit! I used to see the good in AD but now he makes me fucking sick. Especially with my verrrrrry fucking real traumas and connections. But fuck me, eh? Because this fictional guy matters so much more. Fuck real victims. And whilst we’re at it, fuck AD too when it suits your fetishes! Sarcasm aside, the fans and the team need to straighten up their abhorrent behaviour. Stolas. Fucking clearly having an affair, knowingly fucking up his daughter’s mental health and bribing a guy into sex who only wants the book and nothing more. He even has a fucking warning button over Stolas- Guys, how do you think any of this is cute? Even the team gross me out- I genuinely see potential and talent and it’s all gone to shit to satisfy horny teens, horny adults, and literally everyone who doesnt for the life of them understand being an adult is more than sex, drugs, violence and swears! I REALLY want to keep enjoying HB/HH but it’s getting harder and harder with such ignorant and bordering lazy creators (note: lazy as in wont do the fucking research or actually listen to real criticism and victims), such despicable fans (yeah, some HDers fuckin mocked that they triggered my ED, yet they had the fucking NERVE to support Angel’s potential ED AND laugh and blame me for me getting treated so badly for actually having the balls to call Angel and the teams hypocrisy. I got told to kill myself, that my problems arent real - oh but Angels apparently is! Which... They *are* but AD isnt real so technically only onlookers will suffer and not a drawing  - and they just excused their toxic behaviours. These people are like “aww poor angie babey!” yet fuckin INSULT sex workers. All this red in Hazbin yet it feels everyone and they mama colour blind. The issues are getting worse and fans are outright becoming EVIL, VILE, Vindictive little bullies - from kids to adults. You SHOULD be ashamed of yourself if you conduct yourself in such a manner. And you need to readjust your attitudes and behaviours because the only fuckers getting hurt are actual fucking victims. Ever been violated and been gaslit so much you STILL fucking question it’s reality? So you drown that shit out yet somehow it’s effects still hit you? Fetishise it. Make it your uwu gae couple goals, you’re no better than people believing Harley and the Joker werent toxic af. If this shit happened to you, most of you would actually SEE where we’re all coming from. Also, stop making gay a fetish - you’re like those creepy old men in the alley heckling lesbians to make out so they can wank off. Gays, no ALL the LGBT+ are fucking people too. So dont give me that bullshit then start turning everything just gay or just straight to mentally wank off to. It’s degrading and dehumanising. And yes, fiction does effect reality. You crush on a fictional character? Mourn one? Support one? Hell, fuckin jerk off to one - that’s affecting reality. Remember how in fiction all blacks were treated as villians? Look how theyre treated IRL. JAWS, great classic unfortunately their was a spike in shark killings over a fucking movie - the shark in the movie wasnt even real for the most part because they dont behave like that! (Also the animatronic was so shit they genuinely had so many issues - I think they even took to naming each one! Some fun trivia there!). Tiger sharks are more nasty than great whites as tiger sharks will hunt and eat a human. Great whites prefer seals and dislike human flesh, they just mistake us for seals. Hell, theres the toothless basking shark - theyre often SWAM WITH by divers for being so friendly. Yet Jaws made people think all sharks are bloodlusting over humans. Slenderman was created for a fucking contest and that influenced a stabbing (NOT Victor’s fault). Watch a horror movie that isnt based on a real life event and tell me that at least ONE has left you peaking over your shoulder. Stella may be a bitch - we dont know for certain - but try getting cheated on. Y’know what? Try growing up in such a broken home like Octavia. Yeah reaaaaaal fucking cute now, huh? Funny how as well y’all petition for male victims to be taken seriously then laugh when fictional males experience this abuse, further adding to stigma. You can be hit on by the hottest mf on the planet but if you arent interested, that should be respected! Also we’ve all been inspired by at least one fictional character so yeah. Yknow, since I was little Ive been fighting for sex worker and homeless rights. But HH/HB treatment of both leave a bitter taste in my mouth. I’ll still fully support sex workers and the homeless, but that’s the fucking effect this show is having. Bearing in mind I wont ever share everything Ive been through - and I shouldnt fucking have to in order to be believed and validated (obvs proof is required in a legal case but that’s a whole other topic). Why should I share MY fucking pain especially when you fuckers have belittled and triggered it more so? We have our rights to our secrets but fuck ME you lot NEED to start acting appropriately and like decent fucking humans. ‘iTs HeLl’ yeah and welcome to Earth- the team and yourselves live HERE. You obide by THESE rules. And as someone with beliefs (and a LOT of ancient fucking texts and studies on this shit) their Hell isnt even a proper Hell! It’s closer to purgatory and even then it’s not. Regardless, it’s a poorly built world with the lore consistently changing per episode and tweet, with many plot holes, and is apparently easy to get into - even via accidentally watching porn according to a stream. If youre gonna parade youre a fucking expert and research into demonology and use real believed figures, at least get THAT right. In fact, Lucifer and Lilith (and Stolas tbf) are ESPECIALLY risky as theyre a lot more complex than most easy access texts will tell you. Likewise, Stolas’s first introduction and main focus is sex. He’s one of the FEW Goetia demons that dont have some involvement in relationship issues at ALL. He’s known for astrology, crystals and herbs but hes also known to aid MONEY troubles (it’s lesser known but it’s true! HB Stolas is an insult to the Prince). Turning Vodou into something evil is vile considering it’s powerful and liberated slaves. Pentagrams are nothing to do with Satan, they’re magic based sigils. Upside down cross is the symbol of a SAINT. It’s just some edgy attempt to trick people into believing they know more than they do. Also you should NEVER dabble and doodle sigils without knowing the meanings or respecting what they behold. Vox and Val, real fuckin cute way to make them look like a stupid fucking highschool drama instead of a fucking SEX TRAFFICKER (note: real pimps often target YOUNG folks too - aka minors - and groom them into sex work. Theres different types of pimp. Viv has shown barely any understanding of ‘the game’ and its a fucking insult to injury. Yes we KNOW what a fucking pimp and prozzie are! We dont need to see it. We need REAL AWARENESS.) and a fucking scheming bastard of a CEO salesman botman. And yet even THEN lets go a step further and make some yandere wuv on boyfweind aboose! Fuck off- Now I love a good anime but these tropes are getting fucking dangerous now. And unrealistic to real love and relationships. Kids nowadays know fuck all on a healthy relationship (neither did the fuckin 50s tbf) and Im seeing more romaticism and glorifying abusive situations. Like the show ‘You’. Ok, there’s a fuckin bloke online who slaughtered innocents and kidnapped yet people commented how cute he is on his IG and that they want to be kidnapped or killed by him next. Dont believe me? Look up Peter Manfredonia Connecticut and the comments people left him and then tell me why shit like whats being presented in HH/HB ISNT fucking concerning - because it is. For a series about redemption, it’s brilliant at the opposite (Quote from the creator herself, Viv has posted that it’s influencing her bad choices. Even as a joke, proof’s in the pudding). And the overall focus on sex in the way Viv does is so immature and really creepy, and this is from an ADULTS perspective. From one adult to another, Im concerned as to why any of them think this is a normal fixation. Then again they’ve hired quite a large amount of dodgy folks and even a child. Most of this shit gets avoided with a basic background check like most companies run. I DO like Hazbin. Or the premise. I love some of the cast and spite the others. In Helluva, I just like a tiny portion of the cast. And I critique it so harshly because Viv DOES need a wakeup slap, grounding to reality, people who arent going to big her up or kiss her arse for once and shape her up to be the best she can be. The actually reach and even surpass her potential. And to reach where you need to be, there’s a lot of harsh lessons youll face. That’s life. Shes chosen one of the most HEARTLESS industries and if she blocks out critique as ‘hate’ then she’s not strong enough and wont last. It’s just another unprepped YanDev again (except I dont believe Viv to be a nonce. Even with her dodgy past and dodgy present, I think her perspective on sex and relationship with sexuality is FAR from healthy BUT I dont believe she’s a pedophile. Ive bled my fair share and so far, I just think her sex perspective isnt healthy or mature for her age. But there’s little to nothing to suggest actual noncery - dont worry about accusations there. But YanDev is totally a dirty predator. Just clearing that up). Viv NEEDS some harshness and stability if she wants to do things right. And it’ll make her fucking cry but if she loves these projects as much as she claims to, then you’ll sacrifice blood, sweat and tears for that shit. Even the strongest points are mediocre at best when properly observed. She CAN do more, but she’ll have to face the harsh music. Viv wont see this, but if she does, I dont care if it upsets her. Why? Because this is that much of an issue - something she’s cultivated - that she needs to take action and not ignore it or be secretive about it. She needs to grow up and get tougher skin. Im not saying this to cause her pain. In fact, I wouldnt waste my fucking limited time if I DIDNT care. Trust me, I have duties to be met at a certain quota every single day. I say this shit only because I give a shit and care. If we met, she’d fucking hate me. But people like me are good for shaping people up to their potential. And we arent always this ‘tough love’ either. But when someone needs that level of harshness to help themselves, we’re not afraid to lose people or cause upset if the results end up being the best for them. If she ever saw this, she needs to re fucking evaluate her message, her story, and those she’s choosing to welcome into her circle. And all Im seeing is one rookie mistake after the other. Her paid patreon discord. Just like the messages Honest has posted on her side of being harassed (not in Vivs fyi), Ive experienced shit and bullying and even stay silent on their for being attacked for a group I fuckin paid to be in and yet I feel isolated. It’s all arsekissing and ‘thank you viv’ (thats an actual channel-) and it feels like a place of borderline worship and people trying to appease her 24/7 whilst kicking others with different opinions down. There’s so many I love but I aint kissin yer fuckin arse. Ask the closest friend I have - we’re fucking raw and wont just side with each other just because. We’ll call each other out if we think they’ve fucked up and then help each other build themselves up better. Because real fuckin people who actually care wont just want to be adored by you. They’ll care enough to point out your bullshit and help you, even if they upset you at the time. They’re real and upfront with you. People like us arent always the easiest to be close to either because we arent afraid of upsetting someone if it’s in their best interest and to help them. Likewise, we dont go out looking for fights either. Most times, we’re fuckin soft bastards- All this shit listed is the fuckin surface level of the real life hell of this fandom. And unsurprisingly, those who experience little to no toxicity have always been higher on that popularity ‘food chain’ - enough admirers and shared opinions that people wanna arse kiss regardless of their OWN feelings as well as neutral perspectives. I’d say you’re the lucky fans, but you’re not. You’re sheltered, and that isnt always the best way to be sadly. As for the fans. If Ive upset you. Well... I dont care. Because many of you have actively sought me out and weaponised my traumas against me. You never cared about my feelings then. Why should I care about yours? Im not doing this out of malice. Im fed up of humans behaving so pathetically yet claiming to be high and mighty. Most of you have been arseholes to those in and out of the community. The victims and non-victims alike. Hardly any of you considered once my real suffering. You put a drawing over a life. Many lives. You had the audacity to tell me Im full of shit. Some even using my real traumas to make a mockery of me and those Im around with a very similar history. Some with traumatic histories that differ from my own. You hardly ever considered the real lives of those effected. So no, Im not sorry for having the fucking balls to this day to still stand up for our rights and give us a voice that’s long been stolen. Im not sorry for being a fucking victim. Im not sorry for saying what desperately NEEDS voicing. And Im not sorry for not conforming to you or any fandom just to belong. We deserve better than to constantly be your fuckin arse monkeys (well... the trope is butt monkey but yknow-) and to be mistreated, misrepresented and harmed by you. You’re no different to the school bullies who give speeches on anti-bullying day. And I hope every single one of you starts looking into yourselves and improving. PS: Depending on the texts you read, Lucifer is said to have been redeemed or to be redeemed. Fun fact to haunt yalls with~ “

[yhellowmil28]

Closure

My last letter to you..

I felt the need to do this so I can finally get the closure I wanted. I left unexpectedly bc I avoided confrontation about the problems in our relationship internally. I left because i knew if we stayed friends, we wouldnt have the same mutual feelings for each other anymore. I felt the more i stayed the more you were hoping i would still feel the same. But i didnt. The harshest reality is that our breakup was a slow burn. Overtime my feelings slowly disappeared and never came back. I dont know when it started but one day i woke up saying i dont wanna feel this way anymore and i started living by my word. There was a line where my heart had to stop loving and breaking bc i don’t know how many times i can put it back together again. Sorry if naconfused kta when i went back and forth on you. That pinaasa kta back then. Idk if i ever promised you anything but if i did im sorry i cant follow through with it. I realised maybe its time for me to believe and accept who you are and what your decided to do. Even though i didnt like it at least you were honest about it. Youre honest that youre unable to love me the way i needed to. You see I had an idealisation of you. I romanticised the love that i hoped for and your unwillingness to work for that was my perfect answer. So im sorry i can not reciprocate your feelings anymore. I had reasons to let go of you. I hope you understand my boundaries now and that what i had to offer doesnt come easy. Ethan, not every woman will correspond to your own time and healing. Not every woman will love you on your terms. Not every woman will wait and give you another chance pow. Thats on you and how youll take that responsibility. I have outgrown u in that and thats enough for me to let go. Im not gonna spend days waiting for you to recognise my worth and value.. that got me tired the first time round.

I reread your letters one day and i felt like you described how much i meant to u based on how i loved you unconditionally. But you still were holding back from change bc you thought i was never going to forgive you. Ethan im not gonna keep telling and emphasising how much i appreciated you. Ive reminded you that countless times in every letter and if it still left you wondering if i ever loved you back then you need a reality check. You cant love someone when you cant even love yourself first. You sought after my validation and love. You were never whole in the beginning. Maybe the next time you get into a relationship youll learn how to establish your boundaries and know your value and worth more. Bc recognising that will let you see the treatment people give you.

I went to church for nine days for Sto Nino. And recently on the eight day novena the priest talked about forgiveness. It made me remember during the time that we tried being friends and i remember still feeling deeply hurt by what you did to me and my friends. I never seemed to think about it until i heard his message. He said, “As humans we tend to be driven by our emotions. Only when we forgive can we receive God’s grace and peace. We run by this whenever others try to attack us by vile words and offence.” And i suddenly remembered crying as my hatred grew for you and i pushed the blame on you. Sa totoo lng i also have a fault in it. But instead i didnt want to hold accountable for it. I realised that i was not truthful to myself. I ignored and let my feelings got the best of me. And for that i do sincerely apologise. Sometimes we think people are undeserving to be forgiven due to the consequences they burdened you. (Come to think of it ayoko maging accountable for my own fault bc i didnt know how to fix the problem. And the problem made me very vulnerable. But i had to accept my wrong. I had to face them whether i liked it or not and own up my mistakes.) Though it's difficult it's not the matter of how much forgiveness they deserve but more of how much joy, happiness, and peace you really want in your life. And it's up to you if you're willing to let that go or hold on to it. So i forgive you ethan. It was hard to understand you at first but i realised that overtime the weight of pain does subsequently lighten up. And i dont hold anything against you at all. I dont hate you. Bc first, i got my answer and second its not your fault you didnt do what i needed you to do.

Not all the time everyone will love you for what you give. Your 100% in the relationship may differ from others but that doesnt mean you cant work on areas where you need to. Love is not linear. It is uncomfortable, unbalanced and everyday is a commitment. But if it doesnt benefit you anymore you have every right to leave. Im sorry for leaving you hanging like that but you knew what had to be done to let both of us heal. This was not my battle to fight. When i endured the pain, I thought i couldve done that alone. But i was forcing myself into something that wasnt for me. It takes two people for a relationship to work and sadly i felt like i was the only one trying. I learned that the hard way and with that there were shitty consequences. I failed to take accountability and blamed it on you and for that again i sincerely apologise. I may have worsen your trauma but you should know yourself and not let it define you. Oo makapal tlaga yung mukha ko. But where would i be if i let others opinion get the best of me. After what i did to my friends i still have more lessons to learn. One is that im not perfect. Ive committed many sins and mistakes that ive regretted since idk birth which left a hole inside of me. And God sees that im not perfect. It does not excuse me from being accountable for my actions but whats enlightening is that God has never judged me for my decisions in life. He has never abandoned me through every step of my journey regardless if ako yung kusang lumalayo. He sees through my flaws and impurity. And he healed me. The parable of the leper. Just watch this when you have time.. in day 3 it spoke a lot about Gods love for us. https://youtu.be/8KDz2VG8tUQ ...when i dont let myself be defined by my own problems and issues, it made me a stronger person.

But for now im gonna prioritise myself. And slowly gain back what i lost in the process of losing myself. As selfish as it may sound i dont feel the need of anyone to complete me. I am complete by myself and im happy. I could care less what you think what others will think as long as i know myself and i know what im capable of. For now i will keep my head up and heart open to those that deserve it. I wish you the best in life, ethan. I hope you still know that i care for you. I still have the same respect for you as a person.

You can reach out to us for anything. Well be here to support you if youre willing. Im okay, ive gotten over it and ive grown from this experience. I have so much to learn from myself and for now i need to focus and grow by myself. I pray everyday that you will heal and continue to seek for growth. I hope you dont condemn to what others made you believe. I hope that watever lofe throws at you youll still learn how to be kind. I hope you will find the wisdom and truth that God shows within our lives. I pray that whatever that is bearing upon your shoulders would soon be lifted up by the Lord. I hope you would allow yourself to forgive those who have done you wrong, and not hold on to the past and let it define you. I wish God would enlighten you with the wisdom of forgiveness and peace as He had forgiven us for our sins. Your identity is in him.

Ephesians 4:31-32; "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

Amen. Thank you for your time. Have a good day.

[forethan21]

I felt the need to do this so I can finally get the closure I wanted. I left unexpectedly bc I avoided confrontation about the problems in our relationship internally. I left because i knew if we stayed friends, we wouldnt have the same mutual feelings for each other anymore. I felt the more i stayed the more you were hoping i would still feel the same. But i didnt. The harshest reality is that our breakup was a slow burn. Overtime my feelings slowly disappeared and never came back. I dont know when it started but one day i woke up saying i dont wanna feel this way anymore and i started living by my word. There was a line where my heart had to stop loving and breaking bc i don’t know how many times i can put it back together again. Sorry if naconfused kta when i went back and forth on you. That pinaasa kta back then. Idk if i ever promised you anything but if i did im sorry i cant follow through with it. I realised maybe its time for me to believe and accept who you are and what your decided to do. Even though i didnt like it at least you were honest about it. Youre honest that youre unable to love me the way i needed to. You see I had an idealisation of you. I romanticised the love that i hoped for and your unwillingness to work for that was my perfect answer. So im sorry i can not reciprocate your feelings anymore. I had reasons to let go of you. I hope you understand my boundaries now and that what i had to offer doesnt come easy. Ethan, not every woman will correspond to your own time and healing. Not every woman will love you on your terms. Not every woman will wait and give you another chance pow. Thats on you and how youll take that responsibility. I have outgrown u in that and thats enough for me to let go. Im not gonna spend days waiting for you to recognise my worth and value.. that got me tired the first time round.

I reread your letters one day and i felt like you described how much i meant to u based on how i loved you unconditionally. But you still were holding back from change bc you thought i was never going to forgive you. Ethan im not gonna keep telling and emphasising how much i appreciated you. Ive reminded you that countless times in every letter and if it still left you wondering if i ever loved you back then you need a reality check. You cant love someone when you cant even love yourself first. You sought after my validation and love. You were never whole in the beginning. Maybe the next time you get into a relationship youll learn how to establish your boundaries and know your value and worth more. Bc recognising that will let you see the treatment people give you.

I went to church for nine days for Sto Nino. And recently on the eight day novena the priest talked about forgiveness. It made me remember during the time that we tried being friends and i remember still feeling deeply hurt by what you did to me and my friends. I never seemed to think about it until i heard his message. He said, “As humans we tend to be driven by our emotions. Only when we forgive can we receive God’s grace and peace. We run by this whenever others try to attack us by vile words and offence.” And i suddenly remembered crying as my hatred grew for you and i pushed the blame on you. Sa totoo lng i also have a fault in it. But instead i didnt want to hold accountable for it. I realised that i was not truthful to myself. I ignored and let my feelings got the best of me. And for that i do sincerely apologise. Sometimes we think people are undeserving to be forgiven due to the consequences they burdened you. (Come to think of it ayoko maging accountable for my own fault bc i didnt know how to fix the problem. And the problem made me very vulnerable. But i had to accept my wrong. I had to face them whether i liked it or not and own up my mistakes.) Though it's difficult it's not the matter of how much forgiveness they deserve but more of how much joy, happiness, and peace you really want in your life. And it's up to you if you're willing to let that go or hold on to it. So i forgive you ethan. It was hard to understand you at first but i realised that overtime the weight of pain does subsequently lighten up. And i dont hold anything against you at all. I dont hate you. Bc first, i got my answer and second its not your fault you didnt do what i needed you to do.

Not all the time everyone will love you for what you give. Your 100% in the relationship may differ from others but that doesnt mean you cant work on areas where you need to. Love is not linear. It is uncomfortable, unbalanced and everyday is a commitment. But if it doesnt benefit you anymore you have every right to leave. Im sorry for leaving you hanging like that but you knew what had to be done to let both of us heal. This was not my battle to fight. When i endured the pain, I thought i couldve done that alone. But i was forcing myself into something that wasnt for me. It takes two people for a relationship to work and sadly i felt like i was the only one trying. I learned that the hard way and with that there were shitty consequences. I failed to take accountability and blamed it on you and for that again i sincerely apologise. I may have worsen your trauma but you should know yourself and not let it define you. Oo makapal tlaga yung mukha ko. But where would i be if i let others opinion get the best of me. After what i did to my friends i still have more lessons to learn. One is that im not perfect. Ive committed many sins and mistakes that ive regretted since idk birth which left a hole inside of me. And God sees that im not perfect. It does not excuse me from being accountable for my actions but whats enlightening is that God has never judged me for my decisions in life. He has never abandoned me through every step of my journey regardless if ako yung kusang lumalayo. He sees through my flaws and impurity. And he healed me. The parable of the leper. Just watch this when you have time.. in day 3 it spoke a lot about Gods love for us. https://youtu.be/8KDz2VG8tUQ ...when i dont let myself be defined by my own problems and issues, it made me a stronger person.

But for now im gonna prioritise myself. And slowly gain back what i lost in the process of losing myself. As selfish as it may sound i dont feel the need of anyone to complete me. I am complete by myself and im happy. I could care less what you think what others will think as long as i know myself and i know what im capable of. For now i will keep my head up and heart open to those that deserve it. I wish you the best in life, ethan. I hope you still know that i care for you. I still have the same respect for you as a person.

You can reach out to us for anything. Well be here to support you if youre willing. Im okay, ive gotten over it and ive grown from this experience. I have so much to learn from myself and for now i need to focus and grow by myself. I pray everyday that you will heal and continue to seek for growth. I hope you dont condemn to what others made you believe. I hope that watever lofe throws at you youll still learn how to be kind. I hope you will find the wisdom and truth that God shows within our lives. I pray that whatever that is bearing upon your shoulders would soon be lifted up by the Lord. I hope you would allow yourself to forgive those who have done you wrong, and not hold on to the past and let it define you. I wish God would enlighten you with the wisdom of forgiveness and peace as He had forgiven us for our sins. Your identity is in him.

Ephesians 4:31-32; "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

Amen. Thank you for your time. Have a good day.

[catlady-ily]

dear diary;

sorry for the lack of updates! it's been a mix between busy and uneventful lately and overall i've just been tired.

not too much happened on wednesday - i had some pretty boring classes, but i hear my sport teacher gave us permission to flip off any of the boys from the other class if they catcall us while we're running. i love this sport teacher, he gives me a C just because i actually try in that class (every other semester, i got Ds bc i kinda suck at sport), so that's pretty cool!! and, other than that, i ended up cutting myself again. not sure why, just did.

thursday was a little bit more eventful i think?? idk - we had an icas test first period for english. icas is this testing for extension students and im not entirely sure why we do it, but it did mean not having a normal english lesson, so i can't exactly complain. during math class, something rlly funny happened - so at some point, the teacher explained something, which like always, was followed by a collective "ohhhh" from the class. but for some reason this time everyone started moaning!! and the teacher's response was "well i'm glad you all enjoyed that 😭. after school my family went to ikea!! not completely sure why, but i did get some candles!! i love ikea candles. and the food there - i ate a lot, rlly proud of myself!!! i love ikea.

friday was, well, a bit scary. i started the day by waking up early to finish a science poster that didnt even end up being due that day- halfway through drama class (which is going rlly well btw!! i'm rlly enjoying our performance so far), a lady came to take me out of class for the rest of the lesson and i didnt know why until she took me to her office and sat me down. turns out she was the youth support officer at the school and someone had made her aware that there were cuts on my arm. basically i ended up telling her the full truth, why i started initially, that i wasnt sure why i started again now, it was just scratches with some scissors, etc. then she said she would have to call my mom and let her know for the sake of my safety. although i begged her not to, she ended up calling my mom anyways, and i basically just started hyperventilating and crying a bit bc i was rlly rlly scared she'd be mad. luckily, she didnt seem to be angry at me, just a bit shocked bc she thought i'd been going so well lately and sad bc she didn't want me to be hurting myself. that afternoon she spoke to me about it and said the same thing. she then said she had to tell dad, i begged her not to, but she said that it wasn't something she could hide from him. so, she told dad, and i sat there absolutely terrified the whole time. anyways, it went ok, dad said the same thing that mom did, and they both said that we can maybe talk about it together another day.

saturday and sunday were exhausting - i worked in the mornings (on saturday i had to stay an extra hour because one of the new coworkers wanted to go home a bit earlier) and then in the afternoons i was so tired that i really couldn't do much. i hear from my coworker that she loves working with me bc i work hard and i always get stuff done (contrary to our other coworker, who's older than me and just kinda mopes around the whole time) and that one of our superiors is also rlly happy with my work!! im rlly glad to hear this, means my efforts are paying off :3

my eating's getting a lot better which is amazing!! im no longer hungry all the time, and i think im getting some good food in >w< only goes upwards from here!!!

oki i have to leave for school now, so i'll end it here!

love, kitty 💕

[catlady-ily]

dear diary;

today wasn’t super eventful exactly - it rained a little bit again today tho!!

I showed my handmade bookmark to my boyfriend, and he liked it, so I made one for her too!! rlly hope she likes it and is able to use it.

classes weren’t super interesting - for health we had a sub, which completely saved my stupid little ass bc I forgot my homework 😓 drama was pretty fun tho, I think I’m getting better at the role of a bogan australian dad - i just use the same voice I did for the optiminds performance last year where I was a bogan daisy (yes, like the flower) and it works rlly well, the teacher’s happy with it!! :3

I got picked up 15mins early from school bc i had an appointment with a nutritionist, which is great bc eating’s really been a struggle for me! basically I was told that my diet is crap and I’m lacking in a bunch of nutrients and stuff (my gf was not surprised by this at all, which, dunno how to feel) but she gave me some ideas and ways that I could potentially improve my diet!! mom even took me grocery shopping a bit afterwards to see what we can do, so that’s amazing!! I’m rlly looking forward to that

but at the same time, I’m a bit scared to improve?? I’m not entirely sure how to explain it, but like, it feels like my suffering is a part of me, what gives me depth, and without it, I’m boring, there’s nothing to me at all, and so fixing some of my problems would make me less good of a person, if that makes any sense? anyways, my bf and I agree that this logic is stupid. bc c’mon, honestly, it’s not really going to change me as a person, and even if it did, it’s probably not worth going to bed starving every night. and then there’s also the whole thing of me struggling to handle change, but hopefully I’ll be ok. hopefully.

I haven’t gotten much further in the fault in our stars, but it’s getting so sad!!! I cannot believe that twist. love the book tho

besides that, today was fairly uneventful, and I need to go to sleep soon, so I’ll end it here

love, kitty 💕

[catlady-ily]

dear diary;

school was pretty alright!! quite sunny again which was cool :3

I had my math test today, and I think I did alright!! I’m not overly confident, but it should hopefully be enough for me to pass. one of my friends who was away for a bit didn’t realise there was a test so I handed him a spare copy of my notes (we’re allowed to bring them into the test) - lucky for him though, he was allowed to go into a different room to study as he had been away.

during period 4, we had an assembly against vaping - which, I’m going to admit, didn’t really interest me much seeing as how I don’t vape, I don’t plan on ever vaping, and the people I generally surround myself with have pretty similar views on it, but I didn’t mind getting out of english since I didn’t actually do my homework- speaking of homework, my parents got a bit mad at me because I didn’t do my math homework and they found out- whoops-

anyways, I crocheted a bit further!! realised I screwed up a little on some of the squares, but it should be ok. I used some of my thinner yarn and made myself a little bookmark, might post some pics and some point, I rlly like it!!! I’m thinking maybe I can show my gf tomorrow and if he likes it I might make her one too >w<

during sport today, last period, the funniest and most embarrassing thing happened - so for context, at some point during IT class this term, we had to decode each other’s messages, the person whose I was decoding, his was “I want to have sex with (let’s call him johnny)”. the then sent me an email with another message, which ended up deciding to “what is your opinion on the legalisation of marujana?” to which I responded to him, out loud, and very loudly for that matter “at least it’s not as bad as ‘I want to have sex with johnny’!” and johnny heard this. out of context. later, johnny emails me a link to this roblox video on his youtube channel (for the record, johnny and I have never really communicated before this). I feel bad, but I didn’t know how to respond so I left him on read. anyways, today during sport class, my friends and I were spilling tea, and I told them about this. johnny happens to be in a sport class running the same time as us, that also happened to be outside on a similar area today, doing laps of the oval. now, just my damn luck, I say the bit about “I want to have sex with johnny” very. loudly. bc I have shitty volume regulation. RIGHT AS JOHNNY IS RUNNING PAST. AND HE LOOKS AT ME. HE FRICKEN LOOKED AT ME. MY FRIEND POINTED IT OUT AND I FELL OVER LAUGHING ASJSHDKSHDJSBS I WAS SO EMBARRASSED. hoping, begging and praying that nothing bad comes of this. wish me luck-

anyways, I don’t really have anything else to talk about, so I think I’ll end it there, baii!!~

love, kitty 💕

[catlady-ily]

dear diary;

weekends can be a bit uneventful, so i decided to just do both days in one.

i had work, ofc, which took up abt 9hrs - working at a bakery is a bit of a vibe tho, so it's oki~ last week i got a payraise, so that's been a massive motivation for me!! it was a bit busier than usual, which is cool - i'm learning how to use the coffee machine too, which will be an amazing skill to have!!

after work on saturday i had speech therapy (bc neurospicy results in me having not the greatest communication skills) and my therapist explained a lot of stuff to me abt different relationships (strangers, friends, acquaintances, etc.) which was really interesting to note and made me re-evaluate a lot of things- pretty full for a saturday 😅

i crocheted a bit further!! i did a bunch of the hearts that go inside the squares, so now i just need to do the squares around them - it's going to be so cool!! >w<

lastly, i studied for math a lot today!! i normally haven't been really studying for math tests and i do fairly well most of the time, but i rlly wanna see how i go when i properly study!! hopefully i got everything down- after i finished my studying, i went for a walk with my dogs for the first time in ages - it was rlly fun!!!

i've been a bit inactive lately, mostly bc i accidentally ended up on a toxic side of tumblr that's made me kinda feel unsafe on the app as a whole - but, i've been blocking as many of those accounts as i can and not been interacting with any of those posts, and so hopefully it goes away soon. other than that, i haven't rlly had motivation to post much-

anyways, wish me luck for my test tomorrow, i'll update you on how it goes!!

love, kitty 💕

[catlady-ily]

dear diary;

it was sunny again today which was nice!! still a bit cold, but i actually found myself getting a bit warm on my way home!!

i felt kinda pretty today??? idk - but my bf's been slowly warming up to me a bit i think, becoming a little bit more affectionate (or just reciprocating affection more) and it's the absolute sweetest thing. i love her so much.

i've been doing a bit better in school lately!! i've been getting more classwork done than usual, studying harder - i actually completed my science revision notes, formatted them into little boxes, printed them and cut them out so that i can have little flashcards for revision tomorrow morning!! hopefully it works out well.

i havent had *too* much reading time lately, but i'm still loving the fault in our stars. can't wait to finish it and post the review. got a spoiler today tho by one of my friends! i cannot believe it- wasn't exactly mad, but jeez, ya can't just spoil a book like that!!

my spotlight package came today, which i'm sure you've already seen me posting about. i'm really excited to start some new projects, and i rlly like the colours i got!!! >w<

dinner was a bit scary tbh, due to me being already a bit anxious, then some other factors (such as having to sit at the dinner table, portions that looked overwhelming to me) than made me absolutely terrified and overwhelmed, but luckily there was a distraction and i managed to get away with not eating tonight. i hate having to go to bed hungry and i hate that it happens almost every night, but i'm going to try my best to fix my eating.

it appears that me entering my girlboss era is a progressive improvement and can unfortunately not happen overnight - studying is unfortunately still hard, eating is still overwhelming and scary, i don't leave enough time for myself to read and crochet and do other things i love, and i haven't really got much else in place. but, i'll get there, i know i will. because im going to try my best.

well, studying kept me up a bit and i still want to be able to read before i sleep, so i'll leave it at that

love, kitty 💕

[catlady-ily]

dear diary;

today was less cold than yesterday, which admittedly doesn't say much, but it was still nice. it didn't rain as much, and the sun was out quite a bit!!! don't get me wrong, i love the rain, but sunshine is also absolutely amazing.

I was feeling a bit ugly today (when don't i tho tbh), my hair was a bit of a mess and didn't really seem to like me, but then during sport class i was waiting for my turn during shotput, sitting and staring at the bees buzzing around the flowers, and then some of my friends started putting the little flowers in my braids!! they mostly ended up falling out by the end of the day, but it made me feel like a pretty little garden fairy >w<

I have a science test upcoming, so i should probably study for that a bit. i'm going to try and do well in school this semester, so i've gotta try my best >:3 - i'm also trying to come second in my classes in education perfect (first is my bf, he deserves the spot more than me), since there's a state-wide language championship, and i really want to be near the top.

I've still been reading the fault in our stars, mostly because i just haven't had too much time, and i've been really enjoying it!!! it's a bit depressing, mostly because the main character is a terminally ill cancer patient, but other than that it's pretty fun. I might post my review when i'm done with it!!!

still waiting on that spotlight package - it should come any time between now and next thursday. hopefully i got enough wool and stuff, i really want to try that project i've been thinking about!!

my girlfriend (who goes by he/she pronouns and the terms boyfriend and girlfriend interchangeably, just to avoid confusion) told me i had pretty eyes today, and i'm just about melting thinking about it now. i sometimes stare at him from the other side of the classroom, she's just so adorable!! i love her so much <3

i'm thinking of reading a bit further and then going to sleep early tonight, so that i can wake up feeling somewhat ok tomorrow morning. as im writing this, my cat is curled up in a ball on my lap, which is absolutely adorable. i might post some pics of my cats at some point maybe!!

anyways, i can't think of anything else to add for now, so i'll leave it at that

love, kitty 💕

[catlady-ily]

dear diary,

school was so cold today, I was practically freezing my non-existent tits off. I stood in the rain a lot too, which probably didn’t help my case however, upon arriving home I took an early shower and put on my pyjamas and warm socks :3!! I’m planning on maybe eating some nice warm food and then reading a book - i’ve gotten plenty from the second hand bookstore recently, so I might give one of those a shot! or, I can finish reading that ridiculously overdue copy of the fault in our stars. I’ll decide soon~

oh yeah, and do my homework- I have a bit of that to do too. hopefully not too much though!

I’m contemplating whether or not to give my boyfriend that plastic flower I found in his favourite colour while I was out that one time. and that love letter I still haven’t given him yet with seashells in the envelope.

I’m still waiting for my package from spotlight so that I can make that bag i’ve been thinking about - I think that a nice light pink would go well with my main jewellery!! hopefully it all ends up looking like how it did on the website I ordered it from- I’ll post it on here when it arrives!!

well, i’ll be off. will update later if needed!!

love, kitty 💕