#imma drown myself in cookies

[raelorens-grimoire]

Happy Valentines Day~

today sucks balls n im high as fuck, if ur in love i hope you choke on ur chocolate

[meksims]

imma go big

film, melody, galaxy, joy, n valentine :eyes:

oh she went BIG !!! gonna put everything else behind a 'read more' so that i don't clog the dash 😭

film: favorite movie/tv show?

gonna expose myself and say (500) days of summer for movie and death note and black rock shooter for tv!

(500) stuck with me ever since first watching it in 2009-2010. i didn't quite understand it at first, but subsequent re-watches tugged hard. the soundtrack is also 10/10!

death note and black rock shooter, are i think, my biggest creative inspirations. death note is what pulled me into crime fiction, and black rock shooter is definitely the reason why i'm so interested in the concept of alternate worlds and alternate selves.

melody: favorite artists?

paramore, mitski, halsey, bts, rina sawayama, carly rae jepsen, tomorrow x together! there's a bunch more but they're the first ones who came to mind!

galaxy: what fascinates you?

i've really been into youtube shorts / tiktoks about food lately! there's a couple of asian creators who appeared on my recommendations (i.e. doobydobap, lisa nguyen, jeanelleats) and i love their content.

i'm really into thorough character write-ups? especially the ones here on tumblr--sometimes i come across an amazing one that's outside of my fandoms and the writing just pulls me in!

also, the #parallels / #webweaving tag on here! i could spend hours just scrolling and drowning in my feelings.

joy: best feeling you’ve ever experienced?

when my work pays off! that's one of the (many) reasons i decided to leave my last job--i felt like what i did wasn't going anywhere.

in general, i just like seeing concrete, tangible results. i like it when what i do has some kind of impact. i like knowing i was actually able to do something, and that my work was worth putting the effort into!

(a specific experience: having my nonfiction essay published in the seniors' literary folio)

valentine: best gift you’ve ever received?

leaning on more memorable, but last january, my best friend sent over a box of chocolate chip cookies (+ dried flowers and a note)! she moved to the united states but contacted a local seller in the philippines and had a dessert sent over my way. i almost cried lmaosldfsd i've always wanted to be surprised for my birthday and she did that for me :--(

in terms of 'best', it's probably the laptop i received after graduation (aka: the one i'm using now)! i spent a long time with a busted one that took ages to load, and having a new one was a breath of fresh air.

[artificialqueens]

Objects in the Rear View Mirror (Craquaria) - Chapter Sixteen - Saiphl

You can keep your mouth shut because it doesn’t really matter right now - Chapter Sixteen

Shane’s PoV

Little lady, I think there’s something on your mind

I’ve known you long enough to know

The words are not that hard to find

I haven’t get properly the meaning of that popular saying of ‘you’re never ready for what comes when you’re a parent’, until this early morning. But let’s get this from the very beginning, from the day I met Roberta. The first thing I thought was ‘Good Lord, this woman is loud’, and then, the second thing coming up to my mind, was a bunch of loud little ones with her smile and my eyes.

The first to come was Benjamin… or Jamin, as he preferred to be called, my self centered and sassy mouthed son, the one who gave me the worst headaches with his lack of academic abilities, and his so talented artist hands. Following him, came the twins, the loud, beautiful and brilliant Monet and Monique; both of them as gorgeous as their mother, and who had their own world and often forgot to include the rest of the people in it. Last, but not least, came my beautiful little cookie, the one with the Cracker’s characteristic fair skin and blonde hair: My Lil’ Cookie.

She was the frailest of my children, her tiny features and warm hearted personality the cause of so many disappointments in her short life. Even though she’s tough, I know she plays hard to get, and to protect herself from a world that gave her its back so many times. I remember the long nights and exhausting days comforting her, making her believe she deserves nothing less than the whole world, and believing in her when she didn’t found a way to do it.

God knows I wasn’t ready for Brianna’s call this morning. As a father of three girls, you’re never ready to know your little girls are growing, and it’s even worse when they fall in love and decide you’re not the man of their lives anymore. I went through it first with Monet and the never ending parade of candidates that never were enough to her standards, until some Dustin Ray appeared to take my little girl away. Then Monique met this guy Antwan, as she said, love at first sight; they’ve been together from junior high, til now, that they welcomed their first born, baby Jasmine.

Brianna was fourteen the morning she came out, all teary eyes and so, she came to Roberta and I to tell us she likes girls. The following years, she met Kameron, a sweet girl who made my baby smile like I’ve never seen before, and also getting her first heartbreak when she disappeared nowhere to be found. Then came Aquaria, our friends and neighbours’ Sharon and Alaska Needles daughter. Brianna’s heart shattered when she caught Aquaria making out with another girl, and my girl decided to never open up again, until last night.

Sharon’s call made me wary, she never does that kind of formal invite unless something big is happening. When Brianna called after her, I needed to understand what was happening, and when my daughter said she was in a committed relationship with both Kameron and Aquaria, I swear my heart stopped beating. I knew that Brianna’s heart was split in two parts, each one with those girls names, and I knew she didn’t want to make a choice.

And I know you feel the same

You’ve been searching for the words,

Now you know what to say

My Bob was still confused when she heard my silence, that’s something that she could never understand, how can I speak so much and so loud and suddenly just fall silent, as if I even wasn’t there. When she heard I finished the call, she came to me, arms crossed in front of her chest, and demanding an explanation, as far as she heard me saying I’ll keep her at bay.

“Babe, ya’ll need to sit, I’ll keep it as short as I can, promise”, I read her worry, especially when she sees the weight of my years falling on my shoulders. There’s no way I can lie to her, I’ve never done it, and I won’t start today. “It was our lil’ cookie, and she’s a lotta say, so please sit babe, it’ll be bettah that way.” Bob sits right by my side, and reaches to take my hand instinctively while she listen to Bri’s story through my lips.

When I manage to finish with the story… the whole story, since Brianna found Aquaria in our front yard, to the point of the committed relationship she’s currently sharing with both Kameron and Aquaria. To be fair, since I married this woman, I have seen her speechless just thrice in the last twenty nine years; the first, when she found out she was carrying Jamin; the second one, when I asked her to marry me; and the last, when she heard she was going to be a grandma.

Today, I witnessed a fourth time. Bob was totally speechless, fidgeting the edge of her green apron, sometimes looking at me, then at the window and then back to me, just to turn to her side and take Lester from the floor and distractedly scratch his ears. “Bob… Roberta talk to me, ya’re scaring me shitless woman”, I asked her, almost begging. She blinked twice, then she put the puppy back on the floor and got off the couch.  

“Hurry up Shane, I don’t want to be late to Sharon’s”, those were the last words I got from her before disappearing inside the kitchen.

And you say nothing at all

Well I couldn’t have said it better myself

Tonight the conversation takes the fall

Bob kept silent the rest of the morning, busying herself around the house until she hurried me to go to Sharon’s house an hour earlier than she asked. “We have to talk to them, I mean, they know for sure, otherwise Sharon shouldn’t have asked if Brianna called already.” I look at her, arching a brow, a silent question clear on my face. “Don’t look at me like that Shane Cracker, I know they’re not kids anymore, but if we’ll have to talk about this mess our daughters are doing, better to be in the same page than them, at least, to know what they think about this… this… “

“About our girls decisions.” I complete her phrase, and she looks at me, relieved. “Y’are right babe, they no kids anymore, and from my point of view, we’ve two options”, she looks at me, intensely, her brown eyes bright with worry and annoyance.

“I don’t know when did this happened Shane, and I don’t understand why… all I want is for our little cookie to be happy.” She sighs, and sits by my side, “I just need to be sure that Aquaria and Kameron won’t hurt her again, our baby won’t make it alive out of that,”  and for the first time in our almost three decades together, I see how the years and its weight fall over Roberta’s shoulders, and how her eyes are cloudy with worriedness. Not needed to say I’m worried too.

“I know wha’ ya’ say Bob, Imma worried for our lil’ cookie too. I was here when she found Aquaria out the day Jasmine was born. I drowned a whole red wine bottle with her after that.” Bob cackles with that last affirmation, shaking her head half amused, half in disbelief. “Our lil’ cookie is tough Bob, and I guess her decision was the best option she found, as far as she didn’t want to be the one to choose between ‘em.” She sighs and reach to hold my hand, squeezing it briefly. Then she stands up and pull me up with her, it’s time to go to the Needles’ house.

I’ve crossed that street a million times in the last twenty five years, I remember when Sharon and Alaska just moved and Bob called me to help the thin woman that tried to move heavy furniture inside the house. I remember her heavily pregnant wife and how relieved she looked when she found out someone has been helping her wife. I’ve never felt like I was walking through the death row, waiting for an execution, mine, my daughter’s, her girlfriends’… all of us in one?

When I step in the door and I stare at your face

There are so many things that I wish I could say

Well I struggle with words but they put up a fight

Alaska lets us in with a hug, with the familiar domesticity of our well known friend routine, and I wonder what’s her position in all of this tale, I wonder if I could find an ally in her when the moment comes, because I can see in Sharon’s eyes the same desperate fierceness that I saw in my wife’s gaze before leaving our home.

She’s almost as tall as I am, her long blonde hair braided falling down her right shoulder, she smiles at me. I know she understands me. I know Alaska is up to whatever makes Aquaria happy, exactly as I am up to anything that give my lil’ cookie the will to keep believing. We lock gazes for a second, and almost imperceptibly, she nods at me. It seems I’m not alone in what comes next.

We walk to their backyard, where Sharon is sitting, having a smoke with the cat purring in her lap. Luke lazily yawns and meows to Bob when he has her in his sight, and her smiles to the feline, scratching his ear, the kitten melting in bliss. Sharon lifts her face, smiling to us, both Bob and I leaning to kiss her cheeks. “It’s great to see you guys. Thanks for coming in such a short notice, but Laska and I wanted to talk to you before the girls come here.” Sharon sounds worried, as much as we are, but still, listening to her calling them girls, makes me shiver.

“Shar, they’re not kids anymore… as much as we all like to see them like that. Fact is both Aqua and Bri are close to 27 and my baby is 25 and married, on her way to her honeymoon.” Somehow, Sharon seems to sink on her chair, her usual rough facade shattered with her wife’s words. “Also, we are here to talk about how we feel about all these, and to let steam out before they come. We’ll need to be centered”, the three of us look at Alaska, as if she had grown long beard and the wisdom of an elder in less than five seconds.

Sharon sighs, taking Luke off her lap and putting him on the floor. The cat looks at her, offended and then runs into the garden, to find shelter in the shade of the fence. “It’s just… I can’t understand, how did this happened?” She says, standing from her chair, smashing the buttock of her cigarette on the ashtray with restrained fury. “A week ago, Aquaria was mourning losing Brianna, who had been far away for so long,” She lit another cigarette, taking a long drag from it, and then speaking while releasing the smoke “the following day she’s head over heels with that girl Kameron… I know she sounds like one of those sad stories that melt anybody’s heart, but I just can’t get when did all this mess happened”, she looks at us, looking smaller than before “not to say, that I can’t understand how did this Aquaria + Brianna + Kameron thing happened.”

“As much as I’d like to have an explanation, I understand exactly the same as you do, Sharon”, Bob’s voice cuts the brief silence. “Truth is both Shane and I are worried, we all know how it went the last time. We all know how hurt both Brianna and Aquaria ended after all that happened.” The three of us nod, and Bob reaches blindly, looking for my hand. “And now we have a third party that will also get hurt if these doesn’t work, and she doesn’t have a mother nor a father to rely on.”

Sharon gets back to her chair, and Alaska stands behind her, rubbing her shoulders to soothe her. “I know what you’re saying Bob, Aquaria and Brianna have their own bruises to heal, and it would be unfair if they hurt someone else in the process of healing, or even worse, they end hurting themselves either.” I know Alaska’s right, I know for a fact that failing this little experiment will almost literally kill her, and I don’t think that any of Aquaria or Kameron would go out off the mess untouched. “I’m as worried as you are guys, I can feel it all over us. Still we need to let them live, they deserve at least a chance to try and make it work.”

“Ya’ right Lasky, they grown ass women now, as much as we kno’ wha’ used to make ’em happy, now they drive their own lives”, I say, getting a side look from my wife, and the weirdest expression from Sharon’s face. “I kno’ my lil’ cookie, she’s in love with ’em, madly in love and havin’ ‘em both means the end of her struggle to choose, or to force ‘em to choose who’s leavin’.” I take a deep breathe, starting to regret revealing that piece of information to those women; I look for Alaska’s eyes, and she nods to me again: she knew it too. “Guess we’ll ‘ve to wait to see wha’ they have to say. I can’t deny my girl my support pursuin’ ‘er happ’ness.” I close my argument, feeling a tad more confident.

“I’m with Shane.” Alaska says, and I close my eyes for a second, thanking her for support the right of the girls to look for her own way. “I mean, I’m just expecting for them to tell us what we need to hear”, Sharon and Bob look straight at her. “Which is they’re doing this out of love and not out of guilt or regret.”

Bob sighs loudly, then leans her forehead to the hand that’s not holding mine. “I guess you’re right. I just need to know they’re up to take care of each other.”

“And if they feel mature enough to understand that, if this doesn’t work, it’s not because they don’t love each other”, Sharon added, “but because if a relationship of two is complicated, a relationship of three, requires a titanic effort.”

We all nod in agreement, feeling relieved of letting our worries on the table, so we would be able to actually listen to them, and show them that they’re not alone. That they still can count on us.

And the harder you try and the longer you go

Well there’s nothing but love in those eyes any more

You know what to say but you never know how

You can keep your mouth shut because it doesn’t really matter right now.

[totallynotagoraphobic]

re: your writing: I'm going to be a complete douche and ask where you get your ideas. Do you use prompts? Do you get inspiration from reading other fics? Do you pull ideas out of the ether like you're plucking apples from a tree? Where do your ideas come from, because they are great!

(That’s not douche at all!!!) 

I’m very very lucky when it comes to ideas because I’m always drowning on them and it’s always been that way (I have… a lot of unfinished WIPs. A Lot.) but I’m gonna be completely honest that most of the time I have no idea where they come from. My brain is very chaotic and most of the time too fast for me to follow and so sometimes shit just hits me in the head and I’m like?? Where did that come from?? Me??? Wh?? And when I see I’ve already written it.

So I’d say the third option because I use a lot of prompts when I’m bored or in need but also sometimes randomly get ideas that come from the most vague things, like the vibe a song gives me or a random aesthetic images or a movie or a line in another fanfic or straight up out of nowhere. Like my Lucifer prayer AU, I was trying to write another fic that just wasn’t happening and thought to myself, eh maybe I should do like an oneshot on Trixie’s pov or something meanwhile because I love when Trixie Knows because she’s a smart little cookie. Except when I wrote the first line suddenly I was like… No. We’re in AU territory here. Imma lilo & stitch this bitch up. No idea where the idea came from because I did the entire first chapter without one single thought process except “hmmm trixie”

Thank you so much aaa ;_;

[veaiix]

faux fur,diamonds,glitter,jazz,pearls,perfume,wine

-FAUX FUR: Describe your wardrobe

My wardrobe mostly contains black shirts with weird and creepy prints, hoodies (big ones, i like to drown in my clothes 😂), leather jackets, mom jeans, black/grey pants, cute hats and for shoes i usually wear black stumpy ones or boots. I look pretty 80's :))

-DIAMONDS: How do you feel about excessively spending money?

Oh man :)) tbh it’s a bit of a struggle. I mean I treat myself and buy the stuff I want but then I end up overanalyzing my decision and I get conflicted over nothing :)) (my wallet hates me and I hate myself).

-GLITTER: Describe someone special to you.

Really kind, smart af, tiny, long af hair, supportive, talented, soft and so much more, she’s a cute flower that takes no shit 👏💅💜Also VERY COLD HANDSS 😫

-JAZZ: Name a song that resonates with you and your emotions. Explain the reason why.

Imma go with either The Aikiu-Let me freak out or Swim Deep-Honey. I relate because they express my need to let go and get out of my head, not being able to fix myself and my fear of the future, of failing, of any one that tries to get too close and the fear of myself and my bad sides trying to get the best of me, the lack of control I have on my emotions and how they can ruin me so I always feel like I wanna run away :))..

- PEARLS: What’s something about your personality that surprises others?

From my perspective is either my weird look or the fact that I look mean at first but then I’m nice but then I’m shady and sarcastic :)).

-PERFUME: If you could make yoir own signature fragrance what would it smell like?

I’d like to say it would smell like you live next to a forest, you just took out of the oven some freshly baked cookies and then opened the window and it rains and it smells like the cookies and the rainy forest, now add some flower fragrance, a really light one like tulips or peony (i have no idea if it’s the right name for it) or something :)) idk if it makes any sense, I tried.

-WINE: What kind of drunk are you (happy/affectionate, angry, sad, fun/wild)? If you don’t drink, what kind do you think you WOULD be?

Tbh I’m chill and fun and happy at first but then I fall asleep 😂 Messy™

Thank you for these little bean! 💓💓🐰

[mymagnificentself]

dinner in the kitchen

[i wanted to make this post earlier when i finished scrolling through my dash but then one of my twin cousins came to show my pictures of them as babies and im still looking at drawings and photographs) and for context were staying at my aunt and uncles hotel restaurant for the week here and the advantages of being part of the family is that we get food for free and i get to help myself to drinks from the bar (…i mean like coke or coffee and coffee cookies) but so i had dinner down in the kitchen earlier which was GrEAT because id taken a shower before and basically didnt look like being around people at ALL esPeciaLLy not some strangers in the restaurant so in the privacy of the kitchen i had my peace to not be (too) awkward around people and it was really nice. and suuper interesting to watch my aunt and uncle work, so i spent the rest of the evening following my uncle around and watching him cook and it was so iNTEreStiNG and fASciNatinG to see how he works; and basically i think imma get properly dressed (and wear shOES) tomorrow morning and then just spend a day tagging along with him, and im realizing rn it doesnt sound as cool or exciting bc maybe by now its 00:05 and my cousins (the second twin joined us not long ago) have been just dRoWniNG me in things and i am TiRED, but i am very excited for it

[dying-to-be-thinie]

Breakups

So I'm going through a break up and one part of me wants to go buy cookie dough and eat it all and then eat ice cream and some burgers and just drown but also part of me wants to starve and fast till I physically can't and get to my ugw to prove that I can do something and I don't always have to rely on people.

Over all I just hate myself

I feel like I caused the break up but I watched a video that basically said that I didn't make him happy but no one can because he hasn't faced his own problems. It's a long video but it helped and I'm realizing that I haven't worked on myself either so Imma get skinny and prove to everyone I'm doing okay. Especially him to prove I'm okay with him and I don't need a man to make me happy I can be happy by myself for me.

[saturnamour]

12:47pm 3-23-18

Fucked up my fast with a cookie and a small broccoli, but imma drown myself in cups of water