#in case watching some of ur friends die isnt enough

[lilyliveredlittlerichboy]

i remember getting glasses at 10 years old and being one of a fair handful of kids in my class to wear glasses. but over time, all the other kids (even the boys) ended up trading their glasses for contact lenses.

i also remember watching this documentary about eye sight and these new experimental contact lenses that you could wear overnight and then you wouldn't need your glasses during the day.

the woman they were following in their case study said something along the lines of, glasses just feel like a mask, like im hiding my face, so this is perfect cus I can see without them :)

I remember her also wearing a full face of makeup. So did the girls in my class once they traded in their glasses for contacts.

It doesn't make any sense to me at all. I tried glasses and contacts and makeup and in the end just opted for my glasses. it takes 2 seconds to put them on or take them off, and i can choose a cool frame that vibes with my vibes. I felt naked with contacts! They're also a full on annoying bother, it definitely takes at least a minute to put them in (which might be less if you're practiced at putting them in every day, but still will never beat my 2 second total for glasses), putting them in and taking them out is awkward cus you have to touch your literal eyeball, which like, doesn't feel like something you should be doing, really. some variants are reusable, but you have to wash them; the others just go right into the bin, which is wasteful.

and the makeup. the makeup!!! i have never understood it. I've managed to do nice makeup on myself with and without glasses and really I would rather just not do any at all. It is an even more bothersome annoyance than contact lenses. even if you're just doing the basic stuff, it takes far far longer than 2 seconds. And then you'll be leaving makeup marks on your clothes, your friends clothes, your pillow, your face mask and etc etc etc

All im saying is all the people who are using contacts and makeup are really stealing their own time and for what. to look prettier? to have other people's approval? im plenty pretty with glasses and no makeup and actually that means on the (EXCEEDINGLY RARE) occasions that I'll wear makeup, perhaps even contacts, it'll really pop and be a big difference and surprise to people. please be more confident in your bodies. show your acne scars and imperfections and your moles and dimples and unevenness of your skin. we see enough perfectly smooth models and actors which have been photoshopped into oblivion. please just show your real face i promise it'll be fine you will not die and in fact you might give someone else the confidence to show their bare skin. it's so fucking rare these days especially amongst cis women (who are also weirdly the ones most loudly complaining about society's pressures of femininity???? pick one lmao)

anyway being pretty isnt all there is to life. all that time spent putting in contacts and applying makeup. u could have scrolled tumblr instead like a true weirdo. or done literally anything else. i mostly use my extra time in the morning for sleeping a bit longer (which is good for ur skin, unlike the vastvastvast majority of foundations u can put on ur face)

[hello-yue-here]

because none of my irl friends watch stranger things/arent caught up and i need to make my predictions somewhere ive decided to share my volume 2 predictions here because i need written proof somewhere if im right:

POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD CUZ I REFERENCE VOLUME 1

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-joyce hopper or murray is gonna die. one of the major deaths will be the three of them. my money is on joyce.

-steve and robin will survive. steve is too popular a character to kill off, people will literally stop watching if he isnt in it. plus im p sure some netflix head or producer or something said steve will never be killed off. i saw this in a screenshot of a news article on twitter that i can no longer find so its possibly fale but i still think its unlikely for steve to die. robin wont die because shes (so far) i think the only canonically confirmed lgbtq+ character and that would look BAD for the duffers. plus we need to see where she and steve work in szn 5. these two i think are safe.

-now. nancy eddie jonathan and argyle. one of them is gonna go. nancy dying would be a HUGE twist considering shes one of the strongest characters (do not tell me shes not. she is.) the end of volume one however makes me think this wont happen because we still see nancy in the trailers so either the trailers are a fake out to make her seem safe or shes actually safe. im up in the air. eddie is a classic case of likable character getting introduced and built up so his death will be more painful (remember bob and alexei? yeah. like that) BUT since hes so heavily queer coded and well liked by fans this could look like killing ur gays again and the duffers may have steered clear. in all honesty my gut is telling me eddie is safe but i know not to trust my gut so out of these four i dont think hes the most likely to die but its still possible. jonathan might go just to give will more angst but at the same time he hasnt been relevant enough this season to make it impactful. however if a jancy break up happens OR nancy dies vecna could use that against him and give him the boot as well. argyle is either totally safe and wont even be all too involved in the season or fighting and remain a comedic side character for szn five or hes gonna make a huge and shocking sacrifice that no one sees coming because of his comedic presence. its a toss up for him. out of these four i think eddie and nancy are the most likely to go because one of the four teens in the upside down is probably gonna go i think.

-dustin. im sorry yall but i think dustin is gonna die. hes been too safe this entire series. hes a lovable character and the glue of the group. they might kill him off to make everything seem hopeless until someone begins to rally behind avenging his death. the glue almost always dies people. im scared for dustin but i rlly think this is the end for him.

-were gonna get a new couple. it wont be steddie or ronance sorry to break it to ya but theyre rlly pushing stancy and honestly i think they might do stancy so steddie and ronance are out of the running. robin and vickie is a possibility for me. i think theyd go for that one.

-mileven wont break up im sorry its not gonna happen millie and finn both have said that theyre like soulmates or some shit in interviews so i dont see that happening anytime soon

-seeing as vecna has never targeted the same person twice (yet at least) i think max and will are both safe and all the theories and ‘evidence’ pointing to will being vecnad are just a red herring

-HOWEVER i do think mike is gonna get vecnad. like dustin he has also been too safe in this show and i think that if something bad happens to eleven or mike (likely) mike is gonna blame himself and vecnas gonna get him

-lucas might also get the chop. i dont have any reasoning for this other than my gut feeling. so maybe not.

-lumax gets back together before tho

-008/kali is gonna return. if not in szn 4 then szn 5. theres just so much left that could be done with her character that could be discovered.

-the painting is gonna be of mike (and possibly the rest of the gang as their dnd characters) and this is gonna lead to will coming out

-jasons gonna get the chop cuz he was what steve was originally meant to be. steve was supposed to die szn one as a typical douchy all american boy but he was too charming and layered ao they kept him. jasons gonna get the chop.

now. what do i WANT to happen?

-everyone survives. ronance. steddie. lumax. mileven break up. i dont know if i want byler to happen or not. i just dont hc mike as anything other than straight but hey if byler ever does happen id be down for it. i just think a mileven break up would be good for mikes character development. dustin and susie reunited. jason getting the chop. argyle and eddie become stoner besties. el and hopper reunion. everyone is happy happy happy. will any of this actually happen? most likely not.

[volfoss]

how about ranking bucciarati's team?

regret to inform you that ur gonna get a very long answer bc i have passionate feelings about them all! also trish is in this bc she is part of the team and no one will tell me otherwise and will also include some rambling bc it is me and i have so many feelings towards these characters and none of them r cohesive

under the cut just in case (post writing yes it was long)

Giorno Giovanna:

way way more complex than ppl normally give him credit for (i will not go into feelings on how a majority of the fandom treats him unless ppl want me to then i will in fact make a very long ranty post and will not be stopped)

mildly op (esp at the beginning with how hes kind of able to just use his stand really well w no problems altho i think thats true of most of the jojos that we have seen animated?)

i am emotionally attached to him and want to give him a big hug

hes just a kinda goofy kid and is maybe a bit not good with figuring out hey this is a semi dangerous situation maybe i shouldnt be taunting him (leaky eye luca for example)

has the actual best theme

i love how he works off the rest of the team so well (even w members who do not like him)

is in my top 3 jojos i love this kid sm i would adopt him if he was real

7/10

Bruno Bucciarati:

the fucking way his character develops from licky man to best dad material is my favorite thing

his outfit is so so so good i would die to wear it

in general this man is one of my fave jojos characters and i get a lot of comfort from him

hes just really neat and has a good taste in music

he did his fucking best and i will always love him for that

imo the way that his death was drawn out was genuinely one of the most heartbreaking deaths in the entire series and fucks me up each time i think of it

i feel like he really is the one to hold the team together in a way that everyone feels cared for and saved

def has a savior complex tho for sure

dilf but im ace

also manga superiority bc he either makes the stupidest faces or looks very nice (anime has a lot of weird animation in regards to his face) and also because its lingerie there instead of a tattoo that changes thickness and placement every second

10/10

Leone Abbacchio:

guilty pleasure liking man

i am obsessed with his vibes and wish to become him

i cannot physically express just how much i love him but hes one of my faves of all time (not obvious by my theme at all wdym)

i miss his manga palette but also the colored manga isnt my beloved but also black lipstick abba

hot take maybe but anime abba looks better than manga minus the lipstick debacle

hes so so tall and i will steal his height in a nice way

his past man his past it fucks me up

his death fucks me up normally but when i was rewatching recently, i saw he gave this tiny lil smile after helping the kids get their ball and i could not take it anymore

him and brunos relationship (canonically and out of canon too) is one of my favorites in the series

also fandom hot take as i guess i am doing those for everyone- but ppl either have him as cosntantly trying to murder giorno or being like good son and v out of character, and it is really weird? not sayign that ill do better when i write them but also like im convinced some ppl havent seen the show or smth

i will steal both him and bruno and marry them both <3

this man is beloved i love him to death

10/10

Pannacotta Fugo:

i cannot spell his first name to save my life

also fandom take- ppl make him constantly only angry boy all the time and it really irks me. ik araki did not give him 2 much to work w in terms of canon personality but its frustrating

the light novel purple haze feedback is so so so good and adds sm to his character and i really like it for that!

fugo is one of those that imo deserves a lot and didnt get that

genuinely the vibes between how he treats narancia is v interesting to me, like its clear he cares about nara but nara not doing great w math really frustrates him

i love their interactions and how he is genuinely a kind person at times

the manga colors r superior here, my strawberry boy <3

i just really love and appreciate him a lot and wish that ppl gave him more love

i keep getting assigned him on kin quizzes

very smart good boy

ALSO ok fugo did not do any wrong by leaving

unsure if thats a hot take but i genuinely dont blame the character one bit for leaving and again purple haze feedback really delves into that and why he did it

if ur a fugo fan go read it

his past is really upsetting esp in the anime i will cry over it

his stand is adorable and i wanna hug it

his vibes r fun and i wanna gift him strawberry dangly earrings

8/10

Narancia Ghirga:

this boy i am also adopting (i am adopting most of them sorry)

i really hate how ppl act as if hes stupid bc bad math skills do not equal stupid like did ppl not see the fight w formaggio??

the way he just fucking dove into the water after the boat and how brunos face went all soft and happy it will never not make me cry

he is constnatnly making me wanna cry if i think too much about him for 2 seconds i love him sm

how can anyone not adore him when he set an entire street on fire yk

hes just happy despite his past and it makes me sad i love nara sm

torture dance is one of my favorite memes from the show

ALSO ok the way he died so suddenly absolutely broke me bc the remaining team members r really just seeing everyone die in front of them so quickly

his goofy and laid back moments r my fave

i love just how loyal and caring he is to his friends

his stand is really cool and again the fight w formaggio was so fun to watch

8/10

Guido Mista:

probably my least favorite member of the team for a semi good reason:

the jokes towards trish are really really uncomfy and how fugo doesnt wanna be involved but he is pushing him to do something that makes him uncomfortable did not make me like him a lot

hes goofy but not goofy enough for me to be ok with the repeated jokes about that esp in the body swap episode (ik it was supposed to be funny but it just felt off)

his vibes r good but i wish we got to see his hair

the fandom interpretation is normally pretty good of him overall?

despite not loving him a lot, i really enjoying writing for him (one day might open up headcanon requests or smth but unsure)

hes someone id wanna watch movies w but his taste in movies and mine r very different

love how he and his stand get along

honestly has very very good comedic potential

i really like how he and giorno interact as the series goes on (in a platonic way i need to clarify that i love their friendship)

again him in purple haze feedback was really interesting

probably a 5/10?

Trish Una:

beloved and deserved better

her first outfit in the manga > outfit in the anime

actually in general i believe in manga trish superiority like her hair in the manga looks so cool

her stand her stand her stand i love sm

if u dont include trish in the group i am murdering u <3

HER CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!!! IS SO GOOD!!!!!!

fandom gripe is how people either pretend she does not exist or has the trish first introduction thing where shes using her defense mechanisms and acting a bit spoiled

OK but her in purple haze feedback!!! mild spoilers but how bruno was taking care of her post the ending of vento aureo makes me so happy each time i think of it

very mad that she canonically didnt really get an ending and yet again PHF my beloved actually gave her that

how spice girl starts out as a stand thats helping her thru a very stressful situation is so cool and i love it

DAD BRUNO DAD BRUNO DAD BRUNO *frothes at the mouth*

but more seriously how she leans on bruno and begins 2 trust him and nearly point blank is referring to him as a father figure always fucks me up

esp because of the resulting fight afterwards

and the very ending of the arc that ends w bruno being like bye gonna go in the clouds and look ethereal now, oh man it makes me so sad

bc giorno is the only one that knew what happened and people that were closer to bruno due to knowing him longer didnt

i wanna see how trish coped w that personally

despite being introduced not at the beginning i think her arc and character in general were as well paced as it could be!

9/10

finally done! sorry that took so long but oh man i have so many feelings towards these guys its not even funny

[om-headcanon]

imagine several months have passed since the exchange program, the bros are asked by diavolo to go to the human world and investigate a rumor about a demon unlawfully making humans fall into temptation. how would they react when the find out that the perpetrator was mc, who used to be human? (make it angsty and extra painful please and thank you, i lov ur headcanons)

hey!! honestly i kinda struggled trying to figure out how i should make this ~super angsty~ and i was slightly confused in how to interpret this prompt, so i hope my interpretation is satisfactory! this is such a clever prompt, thank you! (and thank you for supporting me!!)

[for this headcanon, lets assume that upon turning into a demon, its hard for mc to access memories from being human... and that their demon form isnt as human as the brothers. also i didnt know how dark you wanted it but tw for blood and death/violence descriptions!]

lucifer

with trust, diavolo sends his best companion to investigate the mystery

he studies the day before on recent locations to get an idea of where this demon might be

he leaves the house early next morning heading to the last known location of the demon

it stood as if it were searching for yet another victim to tempt, and lucifer decided to make it known of his presence

“there is no way i, lucifer, could lose to something you, so maybe itd be wise to admit youve lost”

but allowing the demon to hear his name was a mistake, as it screaming his name sent him flying an acre

the only time he has ever felt power that strong was from your pact

it became very clear to him that not only you were the corrupted demon that stood before him, but also the pact you two shared was not tainted

lucy knew he was at an unfair disadvantage, but his pride couldnt let him flea

“end me right here if you must, mc, but at least ill die fighting”

mammon

hes terrified, but since lucifer is busy, he decided to handle it for him

he sent a few of his crow familiars to investigate where the demon was last, and proceeded to go to that location

“hey, uh, i dont think its wise for ya to be tempting humans, yanno”

upon meeting, he realises theres something off... he almost feels connected to it

but he decides to ignore the feeling

until he notices the demon wearing a ring he once gave you

mammon knew you felt familiar

but he learned fairly quickly the familiarity wasnt mutual when the demon punched his chest hard enough to shatter some ribs

you didnt care enough to fight him any more, and for some reason, that hurt him more

“i thought youd be the one to never hurt me”

leviathan

originally he didnt want to go, but then he realised this could be like a video game where you kill demons but in real life

that made him quite excited

in fact, he has a game like that (not shocking) and so he believed his experience could come to use

he used methods he learned from the game

levi left a trail of common human items to lure the demon to where he was

it was quite successful but not in the way he planned, as the demon stood behind him snarling

“woaaah- ah... wait...”

he noticed the demon wearing what resembled a ruri chan friendship bracelet he made for mc

he held its hand to get a better view and ensure thats really what it was

“mc... that cant be you in there...”

the demon pulled away from him abruptly and ended up slinging levi 20 feet across the ground

he couldnt tell what hurt more... his back from the impact, or the fact he lost his only friend

satan

hes way too excited about this

he gets to be a detective AND punish the demon in question once he finds them? this is like a dream to him

it shouldnt be difficult because theres no way he could lose a fight being one of the most powerful demons

satan follows a trail of footsteps that seem to accurately match the descriptor diavolo gave him

to his surprise, the demon was already there

satan feels as if hes solved the case, but he still has to take the demon back to custody

“look, sorry but im going to have to kill you. if you want, you can cause trouble and make this more fun for me when i torture you.”

the demon turns to his direction and he sees a faded pact mark of his on skin that used to be human

“no...”

satan tried backed away but the demon managed to pierce through his stomach with its finger

hes never once shown any hostility towards you... but he now knows youre really not you anymore

and as he lay on the ground coughing up blood, he regrets showing peace

asmodeus

he really doesnt want to do this, but because asmo is capable of charming, diavolo thought hed be the best fit for this expedition

all of the reports regarding the demon making humans fall into their temptation were from the same location, so he heads there

he sits on a curb in the near vicinity waiting for any sign of movement

when he hears the sound of growls approaching, asmo puts down the majolish magazine he was reading and gets up with a smile

“wow, a fiesty one are you! we cant have you causing more damage so if youd just look into my eyes, thatd be wonderful!”

asmos smile falls when he notes how familiar those eyes are

“mc...? i- how? how did this-“

with no effort, you slash his chest with your claws and he falls onto the ground bleeding

he never could charm you, could he...

beelzebub

because of beels excessive strength, diavolo thought sending him to handle the demon would be best

he packs a good 125 snacks to take with him

he laughed to himself on the way, thinking about how the last time he willingly walked into a battle was the war

“oh-“

lost in his daydream, he ended up walking into the demon he was looking for

the smell was all too familiar, and he quickly made the connection regarding who this demon was

“mc! i missed you so much”

almost as if he forgot the circumstances, he tried to hold you in a hug

the demon reacted suddenly and aggressively, throwing beel to the ground

he would have taken more damage if he didnt offer some of his food as a peace offering

regardless, the blow to the back didnt hurt as much as his heart did watching all that was left of both his sister and you walk away forever

belphegor

the only reason he went through with investigating was to satisfy his own curiosity, not because diavolo wanted him too

he went to the human world himself to the location of the last known incident and waited

he walked around a bit before he saw a demon sleeping on the curb

one thing about belphie is he always remembers how someone looks when they sleep

“theres no way this is mc...”

belphies voice startled the demon awake and it started fighting as a result, puncturing his chest and leading him to fall to the ground

“i killed you once and ill kill you again if i have to!”

thats something he never thought hed say and his eyes water as his heart aches knowing the one he once loved stands in front of him like this

blood rushing out his heart, he decides to use his twin telepathy one last time

“goodbye, beel...”

[crimeronan]

daydreamed up a trc ot6 zombie apocalypse au full of drama

the catalysts for this au: “i want ronan injured and dying without a hospital nearby, and i want adam allied with kavinsky and burning up about it inside because he hates it and would never have let this happen if there’d been another choice”

it starts with gansey driving a bmw that’s clearly on its last legs (and who the hell drives anymore anyway) into a place that’s at least Rumored to have a safe human population and pounding on closed doors begging for help — “my best friend’s hurt he needs help” and as the oppressive silence deepens:

“hes not BIT I SWEAR SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE”

ronan lynch is in the passenger seat of his bmw chalk white and clearly dying because the only scenario in which gansey COULD drive into an unknown town and beg for help is one where ronan is too fucked up to stop him

 (and if you think ronan hasn’t somehow managed to take a bullet or two for gansey during this time youd be so incorrect. how does ronan manage to be around so much gunfire the answer is talent)

in some ways adam parrish has gotten everything he could have wanted from life in a way he does Not desire because being a working class hands-on mechanic with an intimate knowledge of cars in the post-apocalypse means sudden social status and influence and import

but he hasn’t Really gotten everything he wanted because hes allied with some people he’d have preferred not to and done some things for survival that keep him awake at night and he doesn’t have Enough power here to stop certain bad people from doing bad things without getting himself killed

gansey’s too exhausted and fried to find the charming personality that’ll move mountains and hes retired to the bmw (which is out of gas) with his head in his hands 

and when ronans lucid — which isnt often — he keeps trying to give gansey advice on throwing punches and knocking people out and hotwiring cars and stealing supplies in this urgent way that clearly means he thinks he's not gonna be around to do these things for gansey anymore and this is NOT helping gansey's state of mind

dusk falls and then night falls and gansey's pretty sure he's about to watch ronan die and not be able to do anything about it 

and then there's a tap on the window from a guy who looks like he was born from the ashes of the apocalypse and finds the end of the world incredibly irritating because can't someone give existence some other flavors

"i'll give you a tow"

gansey's not about to distrust a miracle so that's how he meets adam parrish

anyway before adam brings the tow truck he's like "i need to look at him" re: ronan because he can see that the guy in the passenger seat is Fucked Up and while it could be an infected wound — anyone with a survival instinct would not sit in a car with a bitten person for hours on end -- it sure wouldn't be the first time adam's seen someone get themselves chomped because they're too fuckdeep in denial to admit their loved one is a lost cause

gansey's like "he's not bit" and adam's like "i hear you but i'm not bringing you anywhere til i know for sure" 

and gansey has this moment of realization that this guy is currently ready to kill ronan and will not hesitate to do it and probably has a backup plan for handling gansey too if it comes to that

the difference between adam and gansey as people is much more quickly illustrated in this scenario than in canon

gansey has no plan for what he's gonna do if adam turns out to be one of those "can't risk it, gotta kill everyone with a stubbed toe" types but fortunately for everyone adam doesn't do wanton mass murder for the sake of murder he's just honed himself razor-thin into something extremely callous and practical

adam opens the passenger door and peels away what's left of ronan's tank top and the horribly old horribly unsanitary worn through bandages and he concludes pretty quick that this isn't a case of someone turning zombie but from the look on his face it's pretty fckn clear he doesn't consider the current situation much more hopeful than a turning zombie case

adam's seen the way gansey's called for help and has waited until dark to be sneaky helpful because reasons which means he already knows ronan means a lot to gansey and he already has a preemptive headache about it but he's like

"okay. don't be offended. but. scale of one to ten. how... attached are you to him"

"Excuse Me"

the ensuing whisper-hissed argument basically boils down to gansey going "i don't know how to explain to you that you should care about other people" 

and adam going "i don't know how to explain to you that wasting limited medical supplies on people who are gonna die anyway is bad"

 and gansey going "okay well i'm not going anywhere without him and i die if he dies so you can leave actually" 

and adam being like [most longsuffering person in the universe] "i'll take you guys back to my place"

adam tows them to an old auto body shop that seems to still be serving its pre-apocalypse purpose because when you're a car mechanic who's survived the apocalypse it makes sense to settle down in a structure that's at least optimized for you to work efficiently

as soon as the bmw is safely inside the garage and the door is closed there's a tiny girl there opening the passenger door to look at ronan 

(gansey and ronan have remained in the car during the tow instead of being in the tow truck because adam didn't want to move ronan and gansey was not going to leave him)

 and she kind of sucks her teeth like she's appraising an unfortunate car wreck like "that's gotta hurt"

gansey's coiled up with adrenaline and ready to have the exact same fight he just had with adam except then she's like "okay let me grab my mom and persephone and whatever medications i can scrounge up hm. this does look really bad"

adam's very tired and in a mood and as he's getting out of the truck he's like "yeah well i tried" and gansey's about to be extremely uncharitable except the girl zeroes the fuck in on this like "you tried what, adam"

adam's like oh my god.  am i really gonna have to get it from all sides tonight and she's like "well i know you didn't try fixing him because it's a little more than a bandaid situation" 

and adam's like wow i sure have other things to be doing with my time and she's like "you didn't"

 and he's like "well look, the guy's ALIVE and HERE isn't he, so if you're gonna accuse me of something let's at least focus on that"

 and she's like "ADAM."

gansey immediately likes her

gansey’s also grappling with powerful relief because he and ronan haven’t seen another person in weeks and oh there are people here who can HELP

adam and blue continue fighting literally the entire time they're going to get maura and persephone and when they come back and when they're helping get a semiconscious ronan out of the car

they pretty clearly do this a lot because somehow even as they're each ripping into the other about their flaws they're also working together and with maura and persephone in terms of taking physical positions to move ronan and keep him stable and like.  they're not interrupting their argument with ronan-positioning commentary they're just managing to argue and instinctively move with each other anyway with no pause

gansey feels one grudging half smidgen iota of gratefulness (which would be full-blown gratefulness if he wasn't determined to have a grudge) at one point which is 

when they're moving ronan onto a makeshift stretcher or w/e and there's really no painless way to do it no matter how gentle and careful they are and ronan YELLS and tries to sit up like what the FUCK is happening

 and gansey's been keeping out of the way but he's like oh okay i am needed now and it's maybe three seconds before he's at ronan's side

 but in that span of time adam's managed to push ronan back down and is very quietly calmly explaining the situation to him without any hint of his earlier irritation or exasperation

and gansey's like so relieved that this guy is apparently practiced enough with injured people to have developed a calm bedside manner but he's also like fuck that i'm mad at you and you're a dick

the interior of the shop has been converted into an apartment space that didn't technically have two floors at first but sort of does now thanks to the miracle of loft construction and having too much time on ur hands

maura and persephone have the stretcher w/ adam spotting and blue drags gansey inside so they'll be out of the way

there's a blonde kid wearing a t-shirt and boxers with naruto bedhead who has the wide-eyed alertness of someone who woke up five minutes ago but now must be part of the adventure 

and blue's like "this is noah, he FAINTS AT THE SIGHT OF BLOOD" 

and noah's like "oh yeah i do don't i" and scampers up to the loft and disappears before the stretcher can enter

up in the loft a different voice says "THAT IS MY RIB" and then an entirely new guy (how many are they keeping up there) descends also in boxers and a t-shirt like "will someone please inform the resident golden retriever that i am a fragile waif who must not be disturbed" 

he reaches the landing just in time to see the stretcher being carried in.  

gansey's not really focused on him because he's watching ronan. anyway instead of reacting like a normal human being to the sudden appearance of drama the guy leans against blue's shoulder and in the most put-upon tone imaginable is like "blue you must start informing me when half-naked attractive wounded men are being carried through the kitchen so i can do my hair"

blue's like "this is henry. he's returning to the void now. henry get out"

the thing is after this expression of apparently complete disinterest in the ronan situation henry touches blue's elbow and the two of them exchange a quick look that gansey catches despite his focus on ronan 

because gansey is exquisitely versed in the language of subtle glances and very slightly angled eyebrows or mouths

ronan's getting successfully laid out on the couch and persephone's about to do what she can (in my head she's a medical doctor in this au bc can u imagine) and the situation is about as handled as it can be for now and there's nothing gansey can do except get in the way

 and he does have the presence of mind to realize he doesn't know much about these people yet and should be cautious and learn what he can

so when henry and blue casually walk out the back door into the much cooler evening gansey..... sort of follows them

there's not a lot of room to do hardcore sneaking so he can't get close enough to hear all of the conversation but he sure can see that henry looks more worried than the flippant cool boy he was just introduced to 

and he thinks he might hear henry mention someone named "kay"??

and then he most fucking definitely hears blue's snapped reply of "don't even start, adam's bad enough, i'm NOT putting up with it from you" and then gansey has to very quickly duck back inside because the pair of them are turning back toward the house

that’s about all i’ve got for this scene but here’s additional important content

eventually gansey asks blue why so many people drop in and out of the auto shop all the time because there's clearly not room for literally all of them to be sleeping there permanently and no one except adam seems all that interested in mechanics

 and what he's really asking but trying to be polite about is "you clearly don't agree with this asshole's principles so how are so many seemingly normal people giving him the time of day"

 (gansey is used to being on the receiving end of this conversation wrt ronan, he's never been the one asking before, it's weird, he's puzzled) 

and he gets SUCH fucking whiplash when the answer turns out to be "because adam's saved every single one of our lives"

blue's like "also he's my best friend and i love him i'm not enslaved via blood debt or something but y'know. the loyalty is hard to shake"

gansey has a very unpleasant realization of "adam protects these people like ronan protects me" and wants to unrealize it because that makes it a lot harder to hold a grudge suddenly

adam has no way of gauging how far is too far or how callous is too callous except that blue's there to be like "you sound like a supervillain and should take a nap" at any given moment

ronan has to take a while recovering and the fact that he sleeps a lot and slips in and out of consciousness means plenty of people have partial or full conversations in his earshot assuming he's not listening

 so he's gleaning a lot about these people and how they function and what's up with kavinsky’s stranglehold on the town and adam’s proximity to him

 which means the first time he's clear-headed enough to have a lucid conversation with adam the first words out of his mouth are "so who's holding your leash"

the second words out of his mouth are “are they gonna hurt gansey”

ronan: are they gonna hurt gansey adam: he wont do anything to anyone staying here first of all i’d stop being useful second of all i don’t let him in here ronan: [swinging his legs off the couch] cool cool adam: WHAT are you doing ronan: you’re out of your fucking mind if you think i’m gonna keep gansey around some bullshit chaos worshipping hell cult i’m taking my fucking car and finding a microsociety that isn’t taking pointers from mad fucking max adam: you’re in no shape to drive and i haven’t even fixed your car yet ronan: [standing, doing his best to Loom, clearly squaring up for a fistfight because that’s how he settles everything] oh yeah?? who’s gonna stop me gansey, from the doorway: me. you’re bleeding through your bandages, lynch

[umbillicalnoose]

i think that you would think im pretty and would like my poetry and i want to share it with you. im shy.

to be honest, im very apathetic these days. im not the nice “cutesy baby flower petal boy” i used to be. a lot has happened & im bitter & sullen & all in all, a pretty shitty friend/person to know. i used to possess some redeeming qualities, believe it or not, even if they were construed by the subconscious in an attempt to be likeable - a facade, even tho its only a facade, is still tangible, still there, is still something, even if not authentic. is poorer character forgivable in the name of presenting more authentically? but nah. that makes it sound like im putting effort into being a better person, which im not. im just sort of fried & done. its been a very long time since i played the role i built for myself on here of the “small fawn boy who wants to help girls” lmaooo. how embarrassing. altho, i was just a kid, & i guess, if you had a tumblr as a teenager, you went thru some cringe (i know the use of that word has fallen in on itself & adopted its own definition but for lack of a better one) ass phases, whether it was kinning or malingering mental illness or oh fucking christ, all that gender bullshit, etc etc. from what ive observed, tho, loosely following kids im still casually friends with that i met on here, i think we’ve all managed to Grow The Fuck Up, at least a little. most of us have jobs or r in school or have partners - growing up & moving on is a very surreal experience to watch/go thru. im moving at my own pace & ive accepted that - im still currently using & starving myself & concocting a suicide plan every day but at least i use clean needles as much as possible, i actively & honestly do strive for the bare minimum calorically, & um able to work with the mentality of “well ill have this when i need it but todays not that day” a lot more readily, in relation to suicide shit. ive finally found a therapist who Really Gets It, is a frontrunner internationally on ritual & extreme abuse & mind control. its pretty incredible what a few years with a good therapist can do. anyways. im sorry, i know you didnt ask for all this & im not even sure why i divulged. i guess, what tipped me off, was your attempt at sounsing “cute” - dude, cut that shit out, i promise youll be a lot better off. & i know everyone interchanges aspects of their personality based on who theyre talking to/who they percieve themselves to be talking to, but i feel like not a lot of people give enough credence to the internet & its hand in shaping/molding young people, kids, vulnerable dumbasses, especially tumblr (tho, i get that its a relatively new phenomenon) - u get a bunch of the “weird”, “alternative”, ““ostracized” kids together on a website, of course its gonna nurture a culture of hypervalidatoon & pretending to be sick in order to fit in to the point that its not an act anymore & exacerbation of symptoms & basically, just sucking each others dicks, sitting in ur own shit, & never ending coddling. & then, you have the older group of kids, who have played this game before but instead of helping or ignoring the Dumbshit kids, they indulge their own normally-buried-but-unleashed-by-internet-anonymity sadism/human instinct to just be fucking dicks & so now you have this vicious cycle of anger & hatred & fucking melodrama up the urethra. im sorry, i know im comig off as/am being harsh but god fuckin dammit yknow? also, this isnt directed at you, specifically, more of a generalized thing, @ myself included. so uh. i mean, if u still wanna share it with me after reading all this, id be happy to read ur poetry. i used to be over the top nice & then reverted to Major Asshole & am now trying to find that sweet middle spot - honoring & allowing myself to share my pain without putting it on others. which is really hard!! cuz becoming a Dick was difficult in that it forced me to be more honest with my true self & as such, more vulnerable - now in trying to become Kinda Nice again because despite being a pulsating scrotom, ive had the intense desire for friendship & human interaction, while simultaneously doing things that i was consciously aware was pushing others away - but then, if i pretend to be nice, where does that authenticity i worked for & was so scared of go? & i dont mean telling someone their new haircut looks nice even when it doesnt - thats just not being a dick. but i guess, those r the normal trials & tribulations of any relationship & adolescent developing identity. which is weird too - dealing with “normal” issues, i mean. whats the point if your life/limbs/breaking point arent at risk? whats the point when your best friends already dead. im sick of people calling "survivors” (despise that word, so fucking female-originated & overdramatic) “brave” & “strong” - surviving is not brave or strong. its just survival. you wouldnt call an animal brave for running for its life from a predator but you would call a dog courageous for going into a burning building to save its owner. premeditated action on the notion that you are probably going to be hurt is brave. being subjected to pain with no choice is not. theres no “silver lining” or anything “good” to be drawn from it either - sure it may have made x a more compassionate person or made y more introspective & gentle but you know what would have been even fucking better??? if the shit hadnt happened in the first place! let x be an asshole & y be self absorbed - the “benefits”, so to speak, do not outweigh the cost, not by a long fucking shot. its not only patronizing to hear garbage like that, but a slap in the face to know that anyone could possibly see anything good coming from that nightmare & that the characteristics, good or bad, you developed either in response to or as a result of, are worth praise. dont tell me im strong for doing what i had to to escape a torture chamber - tell me im perseverant for studying my ass off & passing that test last week. in the words of one of my dearest & most fucking brilliant friends, “pain doesnt owe me/you purpose - the need to intellectualize & assign meaning to pain & death is not only futile, but harmful.” & honestly, i think that it stems from weakness (in most cases - i realize theres a plethora of other reasons such as those who r just desperate for something to hold on to or r hyperintellectual & analytical or who have been pressured by external “support” systems to find the “good” etc etc) - while the majority of people view the person who “can find the good in everything” (strictly speaking only in relation to trauma/tragedy here & more in denunciation of those that celebrate this trait as opposed to vilifying “survivors” who respond this way, though in my experience, its very very very rarely the “survivor” that perpetrates this ideology ) as strong, i sort of see it as a weakness - their inability to sit with & absorb their own pain or that of others is so strong that not only do they have to frantically pull rainbows out of the teeth of a meat cleaver, they also have to exist within this strange (tho, not malicious - more subconscious) superiority complex. like, nah, dude, some times shit is just awful. you cant tell me anything fucking good came out of a four year old girl being kidnapped, gangraped, & tortured for two years, before being impaled & left to die on a stake. her mom opened a non profit organization? oh well thank fucking god for that!!! those that believe the latter to be more “enlightened” or whatever the fuck r the same people who say shit like “dying is easy - living is harder” & i get that that its supposed to be interpreted metaphorically for the most part - giving up is easy, trying isnt (which also.....isnt true??? admitting defeat & fully accepting the fact that ur fucking helpless is beyond hard lmao???) - but pretend youre somewhere, anywhere outside ur sunny little fucking yoga studio full of white women whos biggest issues r the pta & johnny whos failing math, & lets say your life is in real, imminent danger, a gun is to your head & i want you to not scream or cry or beg for ur life since dying is “easier”. if dying is so easy, why do the majority of ppl cling to it with such desperation - why is suicide illegal? why do some ppl go thru 100s of chemo treatments even tho the doctors say theyre just prolonging the inevitable, ppl who cut off a diseased arm so it wont spread, those who walk dozens of miles every day for food & water, etc? & i know & understand the survival instinct better than anyone, even when i wanted to die more than anything, my natural instincts would kick in with no conscious neural input & id do what i had to do. im not condemning those who cling to life (ok - a little. ur wasting resources out of ur own fear. but i also realize thats just me being a Fucking Asshole As Always cuz technically, im doing the same thing tho its more due to lack of opportunity rather than fear. i just think, societally, death should be more normalized, discussed, & not made out to be so unknown & scary), instead just reprimanding those who say shit like that (inspirational facebook quotes). especially cuz most of the ppl who do spew that shit have never gone thru anything even remotely difficult - their worst nightmare is a Big Scary Black Man grabbing them on the street, mugging them, & touching their tits. & i also know that these stupid ass sayings are to be applied to bullshit like exercise & fitness (“no pain no gain” is another one of my Favorites) & not fucking torture or even just ur run of the mill rape, even that would probably smash the rose tinted banana republic shades off their beverly hills tanned faces. but ive heard the no pain no gain one a handful of times in the last few weeks, specifically from doctors performing procedures in preparation for my bottom surgery. & i know its supposed to be encouraging & they have no way of knowing, but its just like, buddy, u have no idea who youre fucking talking to. & im starting to understand what THEY mean when they say it - pain with a reward is infinitely more tolerable than pain just for the sake of pain; like, a tattoo, it hurts, but u know, when its done, its gonna be sick as fuck. when u r able to fall back on the idea that its for something u rlly want, its A Lot easier to handle as opposed to pain thats Just Pain - theres no reward for it except, i guess, that the more u experience it, the closer u r to the end of it lmao. i mean, i still hate when ppl say it cuz for most of my life, pain was just pain, & the “reward” was the opportunity to go home at the end & so whenever ppl say that, my mind just immediately resorts back to that & im just like haha fuck u. but im trying to remember my experiences r definitely not universal & im starting to sorta understand what they mean i think. but, flipping gears here, & going back to the sentiment of “everything happens for a reason”, the base philosophy of psuedo deep Fuckwads - a girls dad didnt fuck her “for a reason”, everything doesnt happen “for a reason”. like ok, hypothetically, the kid he impregnated her with & that she was forced to have at 12 may surpass all odds & not become a homeless junkie & instead become a world renowned doctor who finds the cure for cancer. but she wasnt raped repeatedly from the age of six for that “reason”, no matter what anyone says & honestly, the liberation of the masses does not justify the suffering of one, especially a child. in my eyes at least. but again, im a bitter asshole. sorry i just Went The Fuck Off here oh my god.....if u read all this, thanks, pal. if not, thats cool too. but yea, send me ur stuff, id totally be down to read it. as for me potentially thinking ur cute, i have to look at my disgusting shitstain of a “face” every goddamn day so everyone else to me is fuckin aphrodite. but im also tryin to not put so much worth into physical appearance- its not something that should be complimented cuz its just smth a person was born with which is the same reason it shouldnt be insulted. this is gonna sound gay & stupid but i personally find that a persons essence & personality really permeates. you can meet someone who, objectively, isnt all that great looking, but once u get to know them, u really see their beauty - how the sun catches in their hair, their dilated pupils looking up at u from under long eyelashes in the dark, the birthmark on their right shoulder that they despise but that is so Them, the gap in their teeth, etc. & idk how to phrase this without it sounding like “well ur ugly but at least ur a good person”, cuz that only reiterates the societally indoctrinated emphasis on appearance & my kneejerk reaction to assure the person in question that thats not what im saying is only another result of that!!! its inescapable!!! but no, really, its not just a matter of “its on the inside that counts” - physically, they change or maybe, actually this is more likely, when i first meet them, my “default” eyes r just looking for features that i know im immediately attracted to (tall, blonde, sickly as in sunken eyes sticklike pale but still looks like she could & will beat the shit out of me) but as i fall in love or get to know them better, my eyes adjust & i notice & adore the beauty that was there all along. so uh. idk if ill think ur “cute”. but probably, yes, ill think ur an angel.

[castlehead]

beauty seems to be really funny most of the time and i like dat.

this idea that sends pop definitions of beauty running for the hills makes for some

quality distance, if only one step back.

what if i had any idea who i was but could see into everybody else

phone home cheeky cosmic touch m8 gonna think this is too easy

yeah but not let’s feel this way without before examining ourselves

for anything fake about it first parting from the idea that there wasnt anyway

and then parting cuz that knows so much

that part of me knows so much abt what do you call it extreme fear of maudlin

i run naked thru the grass singing abt yesteryear

                        ...There’s a move in social situations I like to call, “around the sun” whereby you wait for the game to end to play music, or wait patiently for one plan of another to say its peace so you can say yours. I like to take it to a more extreme level and say, turn down the fuckin tv, I want to listen to a thing I find beautiful.

SONG ONE : like the earth

1. Sit back and dream of clouded metaphors Reveal the schemes that we devised Back in the day, when ur hands were small And the WORLD splayed out colorfully Before our eyes

(chorus)

Take ur thronging bussloads of the living dead Take all the lifetimes of a million busy heads Ur sly intellectuals that laugh in the dome The only place, the only place is in the peaceful tones Of singing birds perched on ascending wires, like notes

2. Caught u up past three, sitting on the porch I woke up from a dream that I immediately forgot That seems to happen a lot, especially if previously I torched a dutch and passed the fuck out But from the ether of my dreams I heard, from the scope of reality I heard you shout

(chorus)

3. The sun and the moon both live in a box And the box is a square made out of lead And the square lies motionless in ur head Like a body on the rocks

Watch the hour tuck away into an evening A day nestled in afternoon light From the beginning In ur mind that made all minds the same The twilight creeping across ur paper brain And I can only burn and burn and burn

And I can turn round like the EARTH And I can be a sphere like the EARTH And I can stitch up the nations With fear, like the EARTH

(chorus)

                        ...people who call it a false flag just don’t wanna think it’s their own who bomb, if it can’t be a towelhead.

SONG TEW : the rainbow

The sinister rainbow blinks over the clover And the dawn is a monster in my brain I'll take a picture before this song is over And I’ll fix u in a wheel to keep me sane

Don’t break out the gin for the old lady creepers Smoke until the blur makes ur head float around I live in hades, burn my tongue on the heater When I lick this heaven ill taste yur sound

(chorus)

What Im saying isnt deep What Im stealing isnt cheap But I know that if i play it loud and long That this song in my head will instead Form a beat

Like a stranger in the rain Slowly driving me insane There's a fork in the road And I dont know whether Or when, all this shit will come together In the end

2. I got a stupid friend who lives in a pause He takes life from the tiger’s jaws, and prays

That life begins again, after it is over And the rainbow shines like a dream, in a daze

Ill take u thru the eye of the needle Ill breathe a testament to ur false gods Ill tell the truth, and contaminate the evil And zap u like a lightning rod

(chorus)

3. Dont you know that the rainbow is the world? Dont you know that the news is already told? Im gettin too old to be unfurled Im seein the rainbow in my mind Im waking up for the daily grind Im singing useless things for useful people The rainbow is not evil, its kind Dont u know that the color kings rattle like a marble In a tin can? And the rainbow eats the darkness like a mother Without a son? Dont u know that u can never be a man? And the rainbow drags across the empty land And the rainbow drags across the empty land

(chorus) (chorus)

                        ...the only division is classical and romantic. all else is contributory to these two. postmodern, modern, no. romantic. it all follows the romantic objective. one is ruled by the time at which it occurred, and the other is ruled by the mechanism of breaking from any present time.

SONG THREE : an ending that promises to begin again

1. A legend sleeps in yur head somewhere You take yur trembling hands And grope for mine, like a bum for spare Change... You cant explain

This strange perdition that engulfs Yur position in the sane... And the trouble of the pulse That leads a broken synapse Up into my eccentric brain... Theres a clot in my neck And the ruins of time Keep me from being able to find A comfortable spot to rest

(chorus)

Im stuck in erasure--a constant exposure To the elements still provides me with eyes To see bad karma writhing in my spleen And I wonder if ill dream While the whole WORLD is awake Will I be the manufactured figure, Will I be fake?

Or will I take these petty abstractions And roll them up into a ball And put them in my pocket Just to feel the reason stall In my throat... Is life a puzzle, or a joke?

2. The life you led one sunny afternoon Is the life you never led again... I can appreciate the reasons For why you did not blend Like a chameleon in the room But cant discern the seasons Of the moon

Yur whispers prosper, loud Like a passionate apostle And the lords are proud of ur Painting on the wall... That skritter of an evening gone Is enough to scatter colors When the sky finally falls, And the lords are like the brothers Of what lorded over them... Take these idols and shatter them... The racket in my brain is loud And does not end And does not end And does not end, even when the jig is up Cuz ive gotten fucked by time: Its an ending that promises To begin again

(chorus)

                        ...Nobody starts an Apollonian, and only those are Dionysian who have the capacity for restraint needed to confer the Apollonian chariot, tho some die without a revision of the vision etc. some die restraintless

SONG FOUR : chauncey ames and the case of jenny preston

1. Chauncey loved the flowers Chauncey loved the trees Chauncey smelled the wind And knew that he was free

Chauncey took a cab home Chauncey felt the air flow Thru the window He paid the driver extra Just for keeping him From being alone... Back, once again To the place that he had left Long ago

In fact, it had been years and years and years Since the man had seen walls Not fortified in concrete... In fact, it had been years and years and years Since this man had put to rest That lying cheat

(chorus)

Chauncey was a killer That was his disease Got off on manslaughter: Fingerprints on a pair keys Got him twelve years For offing someone's daughter Even tho she was eighty three Cuz no matter how old u are Everyone Is a daughter or son To someone

2. Now he's out, but he has his fears... Maybe people will not like him For his past It is unclear Even after all the facts Had been presented... Whether Jenny Preston Was murdered, or just had a bad fall Onto a bed of broken glass They found her in the hall At the head of the stairs, flat on her wrinkled ass

(chorus)

Chauncey was a man of few words But in the end he was unheard His eyes were petrified In delirium His arms shook As he held the gun He took aim On the good book Instead of his brains just to prove a point His neck is craned His eyes like coins That shine their milky matter On the barrel of a luger

(Chorus)

                        ...doubt any of y'all would live up to the wit/confidence/sardonicism y'all judiciously sculpt for hours on the book of face.

SONG FYVE: my summer home

1. This is food for thought Write it down in chalk: The chimney puffs From the fire in the fireplace And erupts in a black plume And with luck The old man Balances a spoon On his nose He sits inside a room As the room grows Smoking from a pipe While its raining outside And the light Is waning, slowly waning, outside

My fingers and my toes Are numb to the bone And I will have my wish To swim with all the fish In the sea of my mind In time ill find A little spot in the country Somewhere peaceful and secluded Ill save up all my money And hope im not deluded And hope that I can find a place Thats nice, a lush spot For a good price

(Chorus) Do you feel that I feel you? Do you feel that you feel me? The time is right to live again To let the atoms wiggle In our spherical galaxy That seems to have no real end But the one that we assume Is reality, and soon We'll eat up all the doom

2. Concentrate upon a single understanding Dont let the sisters on the throne Rage in the dome And find out that this trip Needs more planning to exist

The sky is silver and the universe is green Ill show you things in this world That you have never seen Things that have been waiting So long to be unfurled Things for boys and things for girls Without an explanation Ill bring the nation together And hold it by a tether Show you things for boys And things for girls

(Chorus)

                        ...for example i would never be able to muster the cognitive stones to say all of this, in order, amongst the company of people, even friends

SONG SIX : notion

#1 im in the middle of this phrase Stuck between the lines Bless these simple chains I'll see what I can find In my simple mind To lead to some way out The drip, drip drip of water From the trippy rusty spout Keeps me awake I'll explain that to ur daughter The world is fake The world is miles away:

Chorus: Put a notion on the river And see it travel downsteam Suspended on liquid creature dreams I sweated thru the fever And, between the middle of this phrase Passed all my days in solitude And grew weaker, as the days Passed on in solitude

You can call me daft You can say im frozen In technicolor time That im stranded on an island In the middle of the ocean But I dont have the spine To wiggle thru the shaft And give you back This simple notion

#2 I gots a paper boat Lofting on the water It travels down ur purple throat And dissolves in the water

I set a fire just to see if it could think And I questioned the venom Just to see if it could blink Nonsense on the edge Of the bullshit day Chillin on the ledge, you shape the clay And drive the screws on down And drive the screws on down

I thought of you, thought of you And I felt like a clown

(chorus)

#3 I crawl out, I crawl out I crawl out of bed I walk down the hall To turn the notion into thread And whisper rumors to the dead Sometimes I try to talk And my voice drops Sometimes the vague paralysis Defies analysis And you are left sitting on a chair In a yellow room That is a technicolor tomb Without a door, confined and spare, I crawl, I crawl I crawl out of bed And walk down the hall And fall and fall and fall Into the creation of sound Until I hit the ground And everything is mother night And the imperfections in yur eye Spangle in the strange notion of the twilight

(chorus) (chorus)

                         ...the broad concept of subjectivity has as much to do with a detailed exegesis of one tenet of it as death itself with the specific way we die

SONG SEVEN : collected and connected

You're a sharp one You're a dumb one You got nobody But the people in yur head

And everybody is connected But you aint connected to them Yur a ghost, on the interim While the fringes die out You live them out To the last splinter Until it is winter And the trees are all white with snow And the blue wind blows

Yu spend twenty minutes Feeling for the lightswitch In a room made out of figments That you shovel into a ditch And bury, along with all yur Dangerous ambitions And as you drive away, you feel The religion Of yur memories corrupt u And yu reel

CHORUS. Cuz everyones connected Everyones collected Into the same intangible organism That lives life in the schism Of ur teeth I watch ur lips move And cannot hear u speak I pick up on the clues and watch the pressure leak Until all of it is used And nothing much is left To be abused

Everyones connected by a string That trembles across the space Of every living thing The fractions of my face illuminate in the light I shake when i sing I am a yellow kite Mangled in a tree Forgotten by the breeze I am a thing, wafting in the breeze But I have begun again, my friend, Just by following the string Follow, follow the string

#2 Two days ago the WORLD was made of angles I opened my eyes to the lost ways And came upon a shallow swale The brush and branches tangled And the rays of the sun, barely Coming thru the jail Of the scary fray

Dont you think that yur fellow men Would like to lend a hand? And dont you think That this desert you have crossed Only gets u more lost Until u arrive at the brink Of the sahara, and find A single, solitary house Where a mumbling old man Is confined

(CHORUS) (CHORUS)

i always dress nice when i have no place to go. otherwise i look like a sweaty coked up hobo. its my chic, paranoid hobo chic. my comportment u say? quirky to the acquaintance, somewhat sad to the friend, an endearing mix of both with a dash of worry to the best friend, and an embarrassment to the significant other. im usually the life of the party bc i bring drugs so people are forced to tolerate my horror of a personality.

rejection is a rare and beautiful flower my time is spent tending it my life wants it to be a gift i water the flower it sits next to my bed it is next to a lamp littered under the lamp are dead ladybugs ladybugs are all over my house but if i am not meant i am not meant and i cast my line of poetry here trying to figure out if it was meant to be there wonder exactly why what is innumerable can be rare and think of lots of things

[panrose]

roxy lalonde canoncall!

hey guys im roxy and im lookin for p much everyone! I miiight have found my dirk and callie but nothings official yet! i am an adult so keep that in mind if itd make u uncomfy! if u wanna find ur roxy please click the read more!

if any of this seems familiar pleeeeaasseee hmu!!! 

some basics about me:

   - i think I was a cis female? all i know for sure is that I used she/her pronouns lol    - i was pansexual af I luved everyone    - i was about medium height and had a curvy body type w wider hips than my bust    - i had tan skin and full lips    - i had blonde curly hair which I dyed pink most often but also other colors    - check the bottom of this post for some pics that look close to how I did!    - i liked to blep a lot    - i was extremely affectionate, i loved to show my friends my love but id never do anything they were uncomfy with    - i looooved makeup, i always at least had eyeliner and lipstick on. i usually stole the makeup from the past oops. i got into makeup because my mom left some in the house and i wanted to feel closer to her    - frigglish was an extremely affectionate cat, he loved being pet and sitting in my lap and was very vocal! he didn’t really like anyone else in my hometown tho. i think he only liked humans    - i looooved video games, esp nintendo, esp gamecube and ds games and esp pokemon, super maio sunshine, and paper mario!    - i needed to recharge my social battery a lot especially when i first started being around other humans. i was v much a people person but i just tended to get drained when around people for too long    - pre game i let my laptop die a lot and then would disappear until i got it charged again

basic facts about my timeline:

   - timeline made it to earth c, im p sure i came from a game over tl originally    - all the sprites had a faint glow, i remember loving the pinky purple glow fefetasprite had    - on earth c we had gaming nights and i’d love to play mario kart pokemon and smash bros esp    - we had allooottt of movie nights on earth c, we loved to watch bad movies a lot of the time and just roast em but we also often watched all our favs!    - on earth c i would initiate strilonde hugs all the time    - i think it followed canon p closely?

general alpha kids memories:

   - pre game i met dirk first, then jane, then jake    - i voicechatted with the other alpha kids before entering the game p often    - i had a crush on literally… all the alpha kids at some point iajak i had a crush on dirk first and that lasted for awhile but didn’t go anywhere, then i had a tiny crush on jake but it was p short lived, my longest crush was on janey. i flirted w her lowkey and highkey and wanted to date her so bad, but once she told me about her crush on jake i kept it to myself for the most part (and sometimes dirk lol) and backed off    - jane tried to teach the alphas how to cook on earth c and we were all TERRIBLE LOL I was more focused on decorating and dirk was tryin to make the portions perfect and kept starting over and jake… tried his best sdjsdj    - on earth c, i was watchin a movie and i laid my head in jakes lap w dirk above me on the couch and jane let me lay my legs across her lap. jake played w my hair i think it was an action movie    - (WARNING NSFW) the alphas had a foursome while in trickster mode, we all highly regretted it afterwards tho skjsfkj we weren’t in our right minds and years of romantic and sexual frustration poured out at the moment

dirk memories:

   - he was lanky and tan w freckles and blonde hair he bleached blonder    - we watched mlp:fim pre game on a rabbit type website, mostly for his enjoyment but it was cute and I enjoyed it    - pregame i used to dye my own hair and it was a mess, after i finally met people i got them to help me, usually it was dirk and when i retrned the favor and bleached his hair id sometimes play w it and make it into shapes and stuff    - dirk was vvvv good at singing, but also v shy about it    - getting hugs from dirk was enveloping and warm and trusting i felt so safe in his arms    - jake and dirk got married

calliope memories:

   - callie was a tiny short thing, probably around 5’ or under and by far the smallest    - me and callie were eating breakfast one day in this house that was v stereotypical of suburban america (it was probably john or janes house) and callie stuck out her tongue to eat a hard boiled egg and she looked up and noticed i was staring lovingly at her and she blushed    - we were together! im not sure if we ever got married but we def dated for a loooong time!    - callie got so shy about romance and relationship stuff, i was v patient w her tho and tried not to go out of her comfort zone    - i feel like me and callie went flying sometimes? like id attach her to me somehow and we’d go flying    - callie looooved tea, we’d have tea parties w rose and kanaya    - we went on a lot of double dates w kan and rose!

jane and jake memories:

   - jane was shorter than me, around rose’s height, and a big girl    - I think jane might’ve been asian?    - jake was the darkest of any of the kids, as was jade, I believe they were pacific islanders?    - jake and dirk got married    - i think jane was too busy w her business to worry about relationships tbh    - jake was vvvv closed off about his feelings, it took him forever to feel comfortable enough to talk about them

rose and kanaya memories:

   - rose was shorter than me with blonde hair and kinda chubby    - kan was v tall and lanky    - kanaya and rose got married, although I don’t think we went trickster mode afterwards like in canon    - me and callie went on double dates w them a lot    - we also all had tea parties together a lot    - rose was a really good singer but she didn’t like to show it off    - one time i was watching a movie and rose was sitting in front of me and i just played w her hair and we were so content    - I was rose’s mom figure but id sometimes slip up and call her mom, esp at first

dave and karkat memories:

   - dave liked to call me mom a lot, I liked it and embraced it    - i loved to tease dave when he went on dates w karkat bc he got so shy about it, he’d often invite other people on their dates bc he liked having people to fall back in just in case

if i didnt list any specific mems of u i still def would be pumped to find u!! i just havent had any mems yet!

some pics that look close to how I did:

art by vriskart!

art by lime-time!

art by salty-neon-oranges!

art by rox-art! this callie is also v familiar! (not sure about the jane thats why i cropped it!)

art by my potential dirk! the body type is v accurate! (even tho the description about dirk isnt >:( )

[palukoo]

for ur headcanons ask: 1. lin beifong + star trek au (u can do specific, like, specifically voyager, or super broad, like, there's aliens and starships and maybe a federation lol) 2. gelphie + any au you want (sorry way to wimp out i just couldnt think of any) 3. any character/pairing u want + theater au (agaIN im sorry im just uncreative)

wow okay you’re right, you are uncreative. i still love you, and thanks for this, i appreciate it. but im gonna put this under a cut because like, i cant just list shit. i have to show people my thought processes. it adds to the experience (does it tho?). point is, this may get long and half of my followers probably don’t care about this shit.

Lin Beifong + Star Trek AU 

so ya know i feel like a good starting point is what species she is. uhm, lets see. i think originally in my plans from like 2014 (omg thats when i started voyager isnt it has it really been that long jfc), i believe she was a borg severed from the collective, but like… idk… i feel like in later things i made her half klingon? because ya know it makes sense, i promise. but like that wouldnt really explain her suppression of emotions unless she was also like… half vulcan. and i honestly feel like that would be really interesting because lin’s obviously like obviously angry and can hold a grudge for 3000 years and all that but she also tries to be logical and stuff, but actually has other emotions!! idk where im going with this and idk how ill feel about this answer in two minutes but for now okay. Lin is half Klingon half Vulcan.

She’s the chief security officer. like, it just makes sense. im just sayin

She’s (eventually, im not here for the they’ve been together for ever and all that jazz, in fact, i dont want them to get together at varrick and zhu li’s weeding shockingly enough im sorry i feel like im being an asshole its just my thoughts) dating the chief medical officer, Kya who I’d have to think bout what species she is but rn imma say unjoined trill. or maybe bajoran. idfk and you didnt ask me so bye

she’s all for breaking the prime directive. but not the temporal prime directive, because time travel is weird and confusing and she doesn’t wanna get involved in that bs, thanks

alright last one. so like… in lin’s case im making starfleet/the ship shes on or whatever the police department. so like… i was thinkin about why she joined but i guess just like to help people or follow in toph’s footsteps or ssomething idk. i cant think of a main point to bold here. its less of a headcannon and more of a ?????

Gelphie + Any AU I Want  Harry Potter AU

glindas a slytherin. like i dont get when people put her elsewhere, except for kind of ravenclaw but she’s still overwhelmingly slytherin. she’s ambitious, she’s incredibly loyal but only to a very small group (herself, elphie, elphaba’s family in the books, fiyero in the musical), she can improvise well, im just saying she’s 100% slytherin. elphie is a hufflepuff. she’s loyal to everyone, believes in doing whats good, and all that jazz. i can see her sorted elsewhere, just not slytherin

glinda’s top off her class. like glinda’s head girl or whatever for slytherin. elphaba, even though she’s reallyy really good at magic, prefers to not ya know talk to people. and she gets in trouble a lot because she doesnt care much about the rules. she sneaks off the forbidden forest like all the time to just like hang with unicorns and hippogriffs and centaurs. she gets glinda to go with her like twice but glinda doesnt wanna get in trouble

glinda is better at potions than spells. as far as spells, though, she’s best at charms. sorry, i have no explanation, just a gut feeling really. elphies good at potions and charms too, definitely. she’s also really good at hexes and jinxes

madame morrible teaches charms (or dada or divination idk) and is head of slytherin, and they both hate that bitch with a fiery passion. glinda’d never actually do anything about it, but elphie puts hexes and jinxes on her and her stuff all the time. morrible gets really mad but can never actually prove that its elphie

everyone is kinda confused if/when they find out that theyre together unless they’re part of their friend group. (glinda is liked by most of the student body but becomes a lot more withdrawn when both her amma and the herbology or history of magic prof, dr dillamond, die). their friend group consists of: boq (hufflepuff, not great at magic tbh), fiyero (gryffindor), nessa (ravenclaw, really into muggle religion [she and elphie are half bloods, their dad is pretty anti magic and so is nessa so why is she there ???]), crope and tibbett (both slytherin and obviously dating), and im sure im forgetting someone but…

BONUS: glinda’s really into wandless magic

Any Character/Pairing I Want + Theater AU

mattie i have nothing

i, too, am uncreative

i cant just… think of something to make a theater au for

thats not how my mind works, i think of the ship/char/work of fiction i want to write for first THEN the au usually, with only a few exceptions

not that you’re asking me to write a fic but like…. still…

like now im just trying to think of things i watch and im like… the west wing is the last thing i watched… and before that i think it was charmed, which you don’t want me to talk about and also…

im lazy. but on that not paige is prue’s understudy in some show sorry bye

[deadcatelog]

chaha,, this is why i ended up crying on the sidewalk at 12am outside of a public event i’d brought a ticket for because i wanted.......  i thought we both wanted to go........ she told me she was in the city then suddenly she says she realized she was actually in longisland and about 2hrs away from the city........ even when.

i thought were going to do something fun together again for once, since it’d been so long...... i sai d i wanted to go see it and she said she wanted to come and i told her where i was.. she has a car and i took the train which is a lot slower and; she never responded? we used to talk for hours.. then about an hour, or a little more than an hour away? maybe 2? from when the event was soupposed to start she told me she was hanging out in a lounge with some of her other friends. drinking and partying? i was nt mad she was enjoying herself but i was peevedshe didn’t even tell me she was back in the city.... even if that was the case that she ever wasn t omg... it wasso close to when the even was soupposed to start. there’s no cell service in the subway and my phone was abt to die. i texted her asking, i don’t remember? omething about the event.i think i told her i was an hr away from it and since we were both in different places and w diff. transportation situations... she took so long to respond... my phone was about to die.. im so fucking easy to fool lmao, i was curled up in the corner of a room after i finally walked in the event charging my phone for 2 hrs (the event was 3 hrs) waiting for anything... she always lets her phone die when shes out late at night. my phone was on 1% so i thought maybe hers was too so i stopped thinking about it and just sat at the bar and listened to the music. i think my last text to her was “are you coming?” i woke up in the middle of the day the next day and there was just still no response.. i should have expected this. she’s been so cold lately. she probably just realized what a fucking mess and a burden i was and that she didn’t have to do that once she saw how normal people acted towards each other. she probably didn’t want to deal with the stress......she was being nice about it and i was being an idiot. last time we hung out i pointed out that there was this function in manhattan while we were in queens after getting something to eat, we spent all day in queens until she led me into a dunking donut and sat down and we sat there for hours. she said she had to charge her phone. she had a portable charger. right before this she kept telling me how tired she was and how she wanted to go home and i protested but then i was like... ok thats fine ur tired lets go to ur car and i’ll see u off but she told me she’d parked really really far away.i didn’t mind, she was the last person whose company i enjoyed. i was so scared of the idea  that she wanted nothing to do with me. we stayed in that fucking donut shop for hours. i was tired too so i got a double expresso so we could hang out like we’d sai we’d do.... like i’d traveled 2hrs for to do.... she didn’t even talk to me almost the entire time, she was jst staring at her phone. maybe complaining about how i wouldn’t take a hint. i don’t even know who those ppl r she never told me anything about them besides the fact that some of them were older than her and they went out drinking together often. she sounded like she really liked them. i didnt care that she had other friends whose company she enjoyed so much... it made me happy to see how well she was doing after hs. god im such a fool. i’m so fucking stupid im literally fucking retarded. she;d been acting weird and distant for months. i thought that was just what is was like watching your hs friends grow up when u two were in completel different situations but there were so many times where i’d toss all my plans to prepare to travel/hang out w her just to show up and suddenly she didn’t have the time bc she had something she had to do that ...just so happened to be starting like 10 minutes after i’d traveled all the way across manhattan to see her... im a fucking idiot. she probably decided she didn’t like me anymore a long time ago after nothaving to deal w me every day and was probably trying tolet me go easy by letting me chose not to make the same dumb decisions over and over but i was so desprate to hold onto her bc no one else talks to me. an y sane person wouldn’t have stood up for that... and some times i did say to her that what it wasn’t cool to call me over and say we should hang out only to tell me she’d have to bail for an interview or something she was scheduled for like a week b4 we met up or something. she never responded to those texts. i was so scared she would decide she was mad at me and done dealing with me so i never mentioned them again even though it fucking hurt. i felt like a toy being tugged around when she got bored but immediately threw away when something else, something more important than leisure of course, came up. i dont know how to make friends. looking back on it, were we even really best friends like i thought? we were only friends for a year, maybe that wasn’t enough? i enjoyed her comapny... and S’s comapny, and sometimes A’s company so much... especilly when we were all thogether even if it was just in class. maybe im just being inconsiderate and i cant see why so im jumping to conclusions bcfrom my point of view i’m?? everything hurts again. im always the fucking dummy, the crazy psycho weirdo that even the nicest ppl could see needed to be put down before it hurt anyone or them. even someone as blind as me can see it in their fucking eyes. they get wide, they back up a bit or hunch their shoulders and stop talking and my fucking dumbass just walks forward and keeps running my dumb mouth bc all i think of it is ‘oh! what happened? they wont be able to hear me from that far away i’ll walk closer and keep taling’ ad now im just  afucking angry loser screaming like a fucking toddler on the floor about how unfair the world is when the truth is nobody deserves to fucking have to deal with me. mr g was right to fucking hate my entitled guts. ms garia was right to fucking hate my guts too while putting on a huge fake grinthat i just saw as proof that what i thought she was probably thinking of me was just my outlandish brain trying to make me feel like the entire world was fucking against me when in reality that wasn;t the case when in reality that was the case because they have a fucking reason to be. even though i wasbeginning to ate my uncle for basically cornering me all the time and listing off all the ways he thought i was stupid and disgusting and a pain to have around wasn’t he fucking right? it i it cant just i cant just run around being offended by everyone in the world and giving them the silent treatment-- even if i thought i was giving them space,how could they fucking know?? 

there probably isnt a person on this planet that would feel sympathy for my fucks. ed up situation because they suddenly have to deal with treating this entitled stupid bitch super delicately  least she hurt them. i don’t even know what i do to hurt them, but i do it anyways. im 100% sure that its just by being me. my mother always fucking screamed at me since i was little how much of a curse i was on her. i can’t imagine my brother came out of nowhere with what he was thinking when he stomped upstairs and choke slammed me against my fucking bed and screamed in my face while he shook me and stepped on my laptop after i took my food back. he called me ungrateful. he yelled it to me straight in my ear as if to force it into my head. i don’t even remember being ungrateful?? he talked about brining home food he let me eatallthe time like white astle but i thought i’d always expressed my gratitute but maybe i didn’t?? i don’t remember. i always felt like id din. 

there’s a fucking REASON why EVERYONE i meet thinks im a fucking liar and more than worthy of their distain and being put in my place whether it meant i’d get my feelings or my fucking face hurt. everyone wants me to apologize to my brother. and my mother. everyone thinks im being an unreasonable cunt. EVERYONE in my family has shown distain or disapointment in me. it doesnteven fucking matter that i was ableto get into one of the best schools in the country. now i just get even more people outright avoiding me or confronting me bout how much of a fucking disgrace they think i am. my fucking exsistance is always a major fucking burden on everyone around me. it just keeps happening again and againandn again and i keep trying to change but the cycle never stops. it doesnt matter how good of a persn i run into, after having to deal w me for a few weeks they’ll start pushing me out of the way if im walking too slow or step on my toes or avoid me and talk about me behind my back. i can imagine it.... i’ve always told myself i was wrong and oerthinking myself but it always turns out to be true and its always worse than i imagned they’re always way more pissed off at me for my bullshit and that hurts more than any ~over anxious thinking~ i could tell myself. they dont deserve to have to deal with a fucking demon like me but im fucking human too and it hurts so fuking bad. i an see how much they hate me or are pissed to have to put up with me. my uncle told me a few weeks ago that he wish i knew how much he wanted to fucking hurt me when he came back to his apartment and saw the mess i made... i swear to god i was letting the fucking meat defrost... it was 1am bu i was up the entire time; i was making burgers. there were two and the first one was fucking raw and frozen on the inside despite deforsting it in the microwave. he asked me over and over again when school was starting again. i wanted to cry at how obvious it was he wanted me fucking out. i thought i just had bad luck witht my mom but that made me realize it wasn’t fucking bad luck it was all my own fault. probably from the very beginning. i couldn’t help that i didn’t want towash the dishes then and did eveything i ould to get out of it with her. i couldn’t help that even though i did wash the dishes and cleaned up after myself that i let everything aroun d me get so bad before i did something about it. back then i just didnt want to do it and i thought it was unfair that i was always the one to clean the dishes all the time while tony only had to tae out th e trash once a week or so. every time she told me to get off my ass and wash the dishes it was so fucking full it made me mad that i was cleaning up after everyone else. and every time i pointed that out of course both of them were aginst me. she and he told me in their own ways they bot h thought it was only fair. 

that fucking bitch. she wasn’t even anywhere close to fucking proud when i got into columbia. her voice was flat the entire time, i tried to get her excited so hard. i knew she cared about money, i told her how much money a school like this could help me make and it was basically fucking radio scilence. and i wasn’t even anywhere comfortable, i was at this place in brooklyn (fucking brooklyn, fuck brooklyn) for this other girl i’d just become friends with (that’s a lie, i dont become friends w ppl idk how she just picked me up like a dog off the dtreet. she told me she liked to do that with people once)and this new teacher that got so pissed at me when i wandered off like i wasn’t fucking 30 days off from being 18 years instead of 8 years old... my heart was singing. i’d finally gotten into my dream school and she didn’t care, and then she didn’t care either. they were both probably so fucking annoyed it hurt ind ifferent ways i didnt want to talk about it anymore. i wanted to hug everyone around me, for the first time in so long i felt like my world lit up in a billion colors and i could finally be happy iforever but it was like... no one felt the same way. i get a bigger reaction from strangers who can briefly relate to me off of some superficial shit all the time than i did. i’d lost that feeling after that. it went from winning the lottery to just another academic achievement that nobody but me and a few other poor souls that probably had to feel obligated to say something nice even gave a shit about. those types, i cant even imagine im an entire person to them. i’m just some symbol of like... society as a whole not being... fucking i dont know,? even this sounds fucking arragont and hell coming out my my mouth nowthat i type it out... lmao mr. g just gave me this fucking look after the announcement took place for the rest of the year. i wanted him to acknowledge that he was wrong about me so bad, haha, that he was wrong to hate me but of course why would being the first student in the history of our shitty fucking school to even get in shitting distance of an ivy league mean anything to him? he probably figured i got in bc i was black, and poor and using that + lies to trick the adoffiers to let me in. ms garcia too. she would hardly speak to me after that. her eyes seemed to burn whenever i met them. i... never thought that they were wrong, i couldn’t shake the enthusiasim i’d lost inside of me after the other day. i( can’t imagine they thought i was anything less than absolutely coddled and spoiled athome while my entire family stroked my ego and did my every bidding since it would probably explain why i acted the way i did in class and schooli guess. fuck i cant even remember more than half the shit i did in hs.)but wasn’t going to just so happen to speak about how great if feels to know that i was probably going to be set for life, for a great fanatastic life, when they were alwyas just barely keeping their mouths shut from calling me a a fucking retarded entitled cunt every time i opened my mouth and it pissed them off.

god no wonder they hated me. im losing my train of thought. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i don’t even know wit when im hurting other ppl andyeti was always this self righteous bastard who claimed i only cared about others bc i did community service (that no one ever saw since i didn’t do it in school.... so it would be easy to just think that im just a lyingbitch trying to get attention and shit i dont deserve.... like w this admission offer lol)

everyone whose nice to me eventually learns it was a fucking mistake.i seethe way people look at me so clearly now, but still its neveruntil its too late i still dont fucking know what i do to piss everyone around me off all the time. everyone i figured was pretty smart around me always tended to avoid me or get angry at me for no reaosn i could explain. lmao. andr saw it too, she couldn’t stand being around me after a certainpoint. i dont have friends. ive never had friends like everyone else had friends. just fucking sympathizers (”why do you even speak to her?” just someone looking out for someone they loved when i did some dumb shit to them) i wish i had a knife so i could slit my throat right here. maybe then someone will read it and understand that i dont mean it but onestly would they?? am i getting anything less than i fucking deserve?? it doesnt matter if i don’t like it, i’m always brining fucking painful unnecessary bullshit into people’s lifes and make even the kindest people want to fucking rip my guts out for it. there’s a noose tied up to my closet right now but i please just please don’t want to suffer anymore.i dont want toknow what its like to be homeless, but idid this to myself. i’ve always fucking did this to myself. all my shit is password protected. i want to see myself as a martyr so bad but a martyr wouldn’t try and force someone to read this shit and try and make them feel bad for shit they barely had anything to do with that im just trying to drag them into bc i want to feel good about myself, and they only was i an accomplish that is by making other people feel bad?? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

a few weeks ag  i told myself i wouldn’t do it in my dorm because i didn’t want to make other people comfortable. i dont want anyone to come and see my body next to the fucking pigsty i always seem to create wherever i go. i dont want them to have to see my half naked body, but i didnt have any clean clothes. clothes... i jsut spent over 100 on some fucking jeans and a denim jaket bc i wanted it even though i can’t really afford it. me bac k on my bullshit again, of course.oh my god oh mygod. fucking hell god dammit. but isnt this nothing less than i desevre anyway? for making so many poor innocent people have to endure my fucking insane ly uncomfortable awkwardness and the natural hellfire that surrounds me and i was born with and burns everyone around me except for me. is it really so objectively terrible when they burn me back?? they don’t know that i dont have any idea what im doing. they dont know what goes on in my head. i learned to destroy my own feelingsand shut down my human reactions while i was livnngin that hell hole........the second hellhole i came from,theone here on earthnot the one ispwaned in lol.

i really dont even want to hink about the anger the peoplewhove trulygotten to know me will go through if i did die like this. everyone around them will be superifcially mourning and they wouldnt be able to say anything bad, haha~ about me because of the social pressure or w.e, they’dprobably feel terrible themselves because i know even thoughthey hate me and hurt me or want to hurt me or lie to me to hurt me or laugh ifthey make me flinch they’d probablyfeel bad about how glad they feel and should feel for having thishorriblehellcritter whipe herselfoff the face of the earth. and everyone elsewill think im pathetic, of course. so many people already know howpathetici am. theyll ust roll their eyes in annoyance and grumble how i did everything to deserve the shit i went through, and that it was pathetic how i canttake half the shiti dish out.then they;ll go on with their lives nd i’ll be dead and forgotten and the world can cheer silently that im finally gone.