#in the meantime I'm loving going through all the posts on my lunch breaks

[okmcintyre]

I swear, more bbaw edits are on the way!

'Tis the season to be way too busy and need to catch up on sleep (falalalala, lalalala 🎶😉)

[dumbass-tumbler-cryptid]

(sorry for any mistakes, I should have gone to sleep instead of reading but I couldn't resist)

I managed to find time to read a few fragments and I absolutely love the relationship between Mo'at and Spider - I was blown away by "His father was lurking somewhere, laying in wait to snatch him up, what was the grandma going to do? Hit him with her house slipper?" I imagined it lol. I also read the scene about summoning ghosts and my oh my it was brilliant (I wonder if Kiri managed to "talk" to Grace?) The fact that Quaritch revealed himself every time Spider had a bad foster home>>> I honestly have no idea what Im thinking about Quaritch, in this fanfic he makes me feel pity, sympathy and hatred at the same time. I skimmed the whole work but I didn't see Lyle's name so I assume his meeting with Spider is not described in this version? During the weekend I will read everything and try to write my best thoughts about it, I feel that there will be a lot of them. I really can't believe that it finally came out and I'm glad that it's so unexpected, otherwise I would probably die of impatience if I knew that it would come out let's say in two days. I can't wait for the sequel, in the meantime, can you give a snippet? <3

Oh my god thank you so much 😭. I really love hearing people’s thoughts so thank you for sharing them with me 💞

So I’m actually not done with the expanded version of cabin! I’ll probably post another 3-5 chapters of the expanded version. I think I can probably get the next chapter out within the next few days. Lyle will probably be in the chapter after that, where I’ll expanded on his time at the Cabin. I’ll also add in and flesh out that bonus scene with Z. But yeah, I fully intended on following the plot of the original Cabin just with a ton more detail. Then I’ll finish up the endings which I’m about halfway done with. I took a break from them to write everything I just posted. I really felt like I needed to flesh out Spider’s time with the Sully’s and his time in the Cabin for the endings to have the impact I want so here we are!

And of course you can have a snippet!

**********************************************************************************************

After lunch Miles did his math work, reveling in the warmth of the sunlight like a spoiled cat. He couldn’t have spent his entire school day outside like this in his old life. Miles had to chuckle to himself just thinking about it. It had taken time to get used to his new life, but under his father’s care he somehow had more freedom now then he did back then. He set his school schedule. He decided where he studied. He set the pace of his education. He wasn’t shipped around from foster home to foster home. He had choices. He had stability. He was loved.

Pa busied himself inspecting the perimeter of the cabin, searching for any hint of an issue to fix before it became a problem. He checked up on his son a few times, monitoring his progress until he was satisfied with Miles' work. “Let’s wrap that up. I think it’s time you got some exercise.”

“Can that exercise be skateboarding,” Miles asked with a big grin and pleading eyes.

Pa huffed a small laugh, “Do ten laps around the house, fifty push-ups, fifty burpees, a hundred squates, and a hundred crunches then sure. You can do whatever you want.” Miles took off, completing his exercises with speed, skill and strength, his father standing by, counting out each rep, beaming with pride as his son effortlessly finished the tasks. Pa looked at his watch, a big smile on his face, “That’s my boy! Barely twenty minutes. But I’m not surprised. You're amazing, after all.” Miles averted his gaze, still uncomfortable with the praise his father would constantly heap onto him, though secretly reveling in it. “You got forty minutes to spend however you want. Don’t go gettin’ to wound up though y’a hear. Y’a still got to get through science today.” Miles nodded racing off to the back yard to skateboard on the half pipe he and his father had built the past spring.

Public school could never, Miles thought as he skated. Homeschool just worked for him so much better than his old education system ever had. He was so lucky that Pa had taken him away from all of that.

[thebrochtuarachs]

To celebrate my birthday this Sunday...

...I will be posting new chapters of my current WIPs - To Begin Again, Arranged, Something In The Rain, and All That Was Good☺️Which will come out first, I'm not sure yet but kindly expect the new chapters dropping soon! (I've had a few days break, some of them spent on the beach, my creative juices are determined to get these out)

For the meantime, catch up on some of the other things I’ve written some while back:

ONE SHOTS

Woe is All I Possess ( Tumblr | AO3 ) - Frank Randall takes a break from editing his book when a familiar name suddenly made itself known [From Gotham’s Writing Workshop]

A Right To Claim ( Tumblr | AO3 ) - A little expansion of Claire and Laoghaire’s confrontation (1x10) plus a little imagined post-scene fic if Jamie had seen the entire thing.

On The Corporal’s Account ( Tumblr | AO3 ) - A 1x15 One-Shot imagined fic. What if someone had witnessed just how much Claire and Jamie fought for each other in that cell? I took the liberty of inventing a corporal officer as witness to it all.

All I Ask ( Tumblr | AO3 ) - Claire contemplates her decision after she promises to go back through the stones to Jamie. A little 2x06 post-scene fic.

Sisters ( Tumblr | AO3 ) - How Bree and Faith Meet. Modern AU. [From the Single Syllable Fic Challenge]

Good Morning ( Tumblr | AO3 ) - An unexpected visitor joins Claire’s morning bath routine [From Jamie x Claire Photo Prompt One Shots series]

Not A Parade ( Tumblr | AO3 ) - Jamie and Claire attend a party at his work. [From Jamie x Claire Photo Prompt One Shots series]

Joe ( Tumblr | AO3 ) - Claire tries to explain her two rings in the people she encountered in her life. [Tales of the Silver Ring series]

When Love Dies ( Tumblr | AO3 ) - AU. One Shot. Major Character Death. In which Claire and Bree doesn’t deserve Jamie for the way they (over) reacted in 4x10 and 4x11.

Of Small Glances ( Tumblr | AO3 ) - Jamie and Claire get trapped in an elevator on e New York Blackout. (Possible) One Shot. Fluff.

Introducing Bree [DONE] A short post 3x01 scene after Claire and Bree meet for the first time

Chapter 1: Redheads for a Reason ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 2: Her Name ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Forever [DONE] Jamie left Claire eight years ago and now he’s at her house. Will she take him back?

Chapter 1: The Unexpected Visitor ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 2: Defiance ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 3: Fight On ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 4: Another Unexpected Visitor ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 5: The Challenge ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 6: Aftermath ( Tumblr | AO3 )

To Begin Again [WIP] My take on how Jamie passes through the stones to the 20th century on Beltane to 1968.

Chapter 1: Someone’s At The Moor ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 2: A Birthday Celebrated ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 3: Of Lost and New Loves ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 4: The Introduction ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 5: Cars and the Issue of Semantics ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 6: Surprise, Surprise ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 7: Getting To Know You ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 8: A 20-Year Recap ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 9: Revelations Continued ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 10: Lallybroch ( Tumblr | AO3 ) [In participation in One Quote, One Shot 2]

Chapter 11: Riding (Tumblr | AO3)

Arranged [WIP] Modern AU. Set in 2018. Where Claire and Jamie are arranged to be married.

Chapter 1: The Announcement ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 2: The Explanation ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 3: The First Afternoon ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 4: The Dinner ( Tumblr | AO3)

Chapter 5: The New Acquaintances (Tumblr | AO3)

Chapter 6: Making A Claim (Tumblr | AO3)

Something In The Rain [WIP] Modern day meet-cute instance between Jamie and Claire.

Chapter 1: A Day In June ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 2: Definitely, Maybe ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 3: So We Meet Again ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 4: Friday Lunch ( Tumblr | AO3)

Chapter 5: Finding Solid Ground (Tumblr | AO3)

Chapter 6: Situations (Tumblr | AO3)

Chapter 7: Interruptions (Tumblr | AO3)

Chapter 8: A Month Apart, Part 1 (Tumblr | AO3)

Chapter 9: A Month Apart, Part 2 (Tumblr | AO3)

All That Was Good [WIP] My take on "What if Jamie and Claire both passed through the stones before Culloden?". I'm bad at summaries but hope you like this wee one!

Chapter 1 ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 2 ( Tumblr | AO3 )

Chapter 3 ( Tumblr | AO3 )

[hoodharlow]

Stuck with Nowhere to Go

El Novio Quarantine Edition: Part 1

AN: This is part one of El Novio week and I'm gonna be posting a new part for this mini series everyday until April 17. Thank you to everyone that has been supporting me and following Cal and Claudia's story. I love y'all so mucha nd hope y'all enjoy this.

Requested?

Warnings: smut, brief quarantine talk, a small arguement. and overall Claudia being h word for Cal

Word Count: 3.1 k

Calum gently pushed Claudia against the mattress, getting in a more comfortable position as they devoured each other. With one hand balancing himself, so he wouldn't squish Claudia, he used the other to unbutton the flannel she wore. He slid his hand inside her shirt and gave her breast soft squeeze before sliding down to her soaked-through panties.

Frustrated with his teasing touches, Claudia tried to roll him onto the mattress. But he wouldn't budge.

"Cal," She whined against his lips, jutting her hips against his to feel some sort of relief.

"Pretty girl, I know, but your parents are across the hall." Calum mumbled before kissing down her neck.

"It's been three weeks. Please," She sighed. "I'll be quiet."

"Fine, but you have to be quiet. For our sake." She eagerly nodded at him before he continued. "I'm only going to eat you out okay?"

"But—"

"Later okay? When we get to our house, you can have your way with me. I promise." He held out his pinky to her.

"Okay." She pouted, wrapping her pinky around his.

Calum sat on his knees and slipped off his shirt. He tossed it to the side before towering over her once more. A giggle escaped Claudia when he sponged kisses all over her face.

Having enough of his teasing, she pulled his lips back to hers. She wrapped her leg over his waist, helping her stay balanced as she grinded herself against him. Claudia was basking in having the upper hand that she didn't feel Calum's fingers slip in her panties.

He skillfully slipped his ring and middle fingers in her, causing her to loudly gasp and stop all her moments.

"What's wrong, pretty girl?" He whispered in her ear, making her whine. “Want these off?” Calum asked her, toying with the waistband of her panties.

“Please.” She nodded eagerly. He gently patted her ass so she could lift her hips up.

Once Calum slipped her panties off, he situated himself in front of her core. “All this for me pretty girl?” Calum asked. He placed soft kisses on the insides of her thighs. She squirmed at the feeling of his lips. They got closer and closer to where she needed him the most.

She let out an inaudible gasp of pleasure when Calum licked her. She tried closing her legs, but Calum’s grip on them kept her in place. He softly moaned at her taste and savored her, taking his time with his tongue. He pushed one of her legs to her chest, giving him better access to her.

He inserted another while he pressed his thumb on her clit. Claudia felt something build up in her. She felt pleasantly overwhelmed with Calum’s fingers and tongue. Calum felt it too. He sped up his fingers and circled his thumb on her clit roughly.

She moaned out, not caring who heard her, but he grabbed a pillow and covered her face. Calum lapped up her release. He dropped her legs down and laid next to her.

“Happy album release day,” Claudia whispered excitedly after catching her breath.

He grumbled his response, making her giggle. He rolled to his side and traced his thumb under her bottom lip, giving her a quick peck. He got up to the bathroom to finish himself off, but Claudia had other ideas.

“No, let me,” Claudia said. She sat up and pulled him back by the waistband of his boxers. She brightly up at him, with a mischievous glint in her eyes. “Se me antoja un chorizo.”

“The kitchen is downstairs, Claudia.” He told her prying her hands off him.

“Cal, please let me suck your dick.” She fake cried.

“No, go get ready. We were supposed to be on the road by now. But someone doesn’t know how to keep her hands to herself.” He said before closing her bathroom door. He popped his head out once more. “You better be ready when I’m done.”

***

Calum watched Claudia skip down the steps of Ashton's house when it finally hit him. The last he saw her wear the dress she currently wore was when they went to Coachella the year before. It was probably his favorite dress on her, even if he's only seen her in it once.

"That's the last of them." Claudia said sliding onto the passenger seat. She has baked 'CALM' cakes for the guys in their favorite flavors along with sugar cookies shaped in their initials and in their instruments.

She took off her mask and reached for her now watered down iced coffee. She made a face and set it down in the cup holder. "This is nasty. I fucking hate almondmilk." she mumbled before taking another sip.

"Why are you still drinking it?"

"I have to finish it. It was like five bucks."

Calum shook his head, hiding his smile. He reached for his army green Hydro Flask and took a long sip of water. He capped it and started the car. Pulling the car into reverse, he gripped Claudia's head rest a little tighter as he felt her gaze on him. As he got out of the spot, he watched Claudia shift around in her seat.

"You really have a parallel parking kink." Calum laughed as they left Ashton's neighborhood.

"I do not." Claudia scoffed, crossing her arms.

"Keep telling yourself that. Your tits don't lie." He said, pinching one of her nipples. She smacked his hand away as he checked that there weren't any cars before turning into the main road.

"The AC isn't even on so can't say you're cold."

"Whatever."

Calum shook his head and drove to the nearest Target. When they got there, Claudia grabbed a homemade disinfectant wipe from her bag and cleaned their cart. They went straight to the electronics section so Calum could get a record player for the live stream later in the evening. The needle broke in the one he had and since Ashton demanded that they play the album in vinyls, he had to get a new record player.

Claudia took the cart after he placed the record player in the shopping cart. She still felt awkward shopping for pads in front of him. They agreed to meet in the alcohol aisle after she hopefully found some pads. Tampons weren't an option. Pandemic or not, the only thing she was having inside of her was Calum.

“They may not have toilet paper but least they have White Claws.” Calum told Claudia as two boxes, one of only black cherry flavor and the other variety pack because Claudia only drank tangerine flavor.

"I managed to get one thing of pads, so it's something." She told him, covering the pads with the other groceries. "I'm just lucky my period ended last week. I have a month to worry about getting more. You have dog food right? Because there's none in the aisles."

"Yeah, bought some when we got back from Medelyn's baby shower, water and toilet paper too." He nodded his head over to the shopping cart. "Is that everything? And what your parents needed too?"

Claudia looked over their shopping cart. It wasn't much but it was enough since the stores set limits on how much to buy because of the lack of ability to restock.

"I think we're good. If we need something we can drive back and steal from Ashton's garden." she joked.

While they waited in line, Claudia thought about how quick her life changed in less than two weeks. Her landlord practically kicked her, Dulce and Sara out and wanted them out by the time spring break started because of mandatory stay at home orders. She was lucky though. Calum took her in and for the meantime she was going to live with him. Though just last week Diego told her to come home. It took her a lot of convincing, but Calum ended up going with her too.

"Your total is $132.76." the cashier told them.

Claudia was barely pulling out her card as Calum scanned his phone in front of the pin pad. He thanked them and nodded Claudia to keep up.

"We agreed that I was going to pay groceries since you don't let me pay for anything else." She told him as he put the groceries in his car.

"I didn't agree to shit." He furrowed an eyebrow.

"Yuh-huh you nodded and waved me off."

He stayed silent, trying to remember if he did. Then it hit him. "Was it when we ordered Mikko's? Because I thought you meant you were paying for that."

"Of course you did, your cheap ass doesn't pay for sushi." she mumbled to herself. "Well I'm paying for groceries from now on."

"I don't like it when you spend money for us when I can pay for them. Especially now that we're both basically jobless. You need that money for school, Claudia." Calum said as they pulled up to the In-N-Out drive thru across the street from Target.

"And I don't like you paying for things that I can afford too." She argued back, but Calum ignored her since he was ordering their lunch.

He had his card ready to pay so there was no way that he was going to let her pay. When he reached the window the computer crashed and they were only accepting cash. Claudia pulled out a twenty, knowing that Calum never carries cash on him unless they're outside of California. He begrudgingly took it and gave it to the cashier.

***

Claudia considered herself a patient person. An elderly person taking their time in front of the ATM, no problem. Her getting cut in line at Starbucks because she was answering a text from Calum and not paying attention to the line, not an issue. Where she did lose her patience was when she would get stuck in traffic.

“The San Ysidro border is faster than this.” Claudia groaned, dropping in her seat after poking her head out of the sun roof.

“Well we would have avoided traffic if someone didn’t need to go back our place to get a fucking coloring book.” Calum muttered under his breath.

He had enough of her complaining. Ever since he got on the I5, that’s all she’s been doing. They’ve been stuck for over four hours and it was just her mumbling over and over how she would rather be waiting to cross the border than be stuck in the freeway. Even Claudia during her period was less irritable than this. Before she could get a word in, he turned up the volume on the true crime podcast they were listening to.

Ironically it was about a couple where the girlfriend murdered her boyfriend and disposed of his body by a lake in the very same freeway they were on.

Calum glanced over to Claudia. She was curled up, leaning against the window playing tetris on her phone. He rotated his neck and hands in hopes that he loosened up, but nothing worked. He knew he shouldn't have said that to her. It wasn't her fault that there was traffic.

"Cal…" Claudia said quietly, reaching down to lower the volume.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be getting all irritated when I was the one who suggested that you take me back to your house. Because of me we're stuck in traffic and—"

"Claudia, you have nothing to apologize for. You're not the one who caused the traffic. If someone should be apologizing, it should be me. I'm just stressed out because of the album dropping tonight and I'm taking my nerves out on you. So I'm sorry for being a fucking cunt."

"Apology accepted." she giggled.

Claudia leaned over the center console and kissed his cheek. Slowly, she descended down to his neck And sucked under his jaw, making him jerk the car.

"Ashton needs me alive for at least tonight." Calum said, gently prying her off of him. He adjusted his shorts and looked toward the road.

Not even five minutes later, Claudia was toying with a loose string on Calum's shorts. Her hand occasionally bumped into his crotch. Wordlessly she unbuckled her seatbelt and tried reaching for her purse in the backseat. It gave Calum a great view of the nude lace panties she wore.

Before he tried anything, she sat back down and pulled out some nail clippers. Claudia bent over the center console once more and clipped the string with them. She rubbed his thigh and laid her head in the console. Her fingertips deftly smoothed down his leg hairs.

"What are your thoughts on road head?" Claudia asked. She tiptoed her fingers up his thigh, slowly inching to semi hard on.

"I don't know, never thought about it." He answered her, swallowing hard with his gaze glued on the road.

"Really? Like you never thought of me choking on your dick while you're driving?" She pushed herself up from the console and sat criss-cross applesauce. "I have. The thought of you guiding my mouth over your dick surrounded by other cars, clueless to what we're doing. All I have to say is thank fuck for your tinted windows."

He watched from the corner of his eye. She had pulled down her dress, exposing her breasts and her panties were on the dash. One of her hands disappeared under her dress while the other was tweaking her nipples. She whimpered Calum's name loudly as her fingers sped up.

Calum pulled her hand away and licked her fingers cleaned. He slipped his and continued where she left off. With one hand on the steering wheel he brought her to her orgasm. Her hips chased his fingers as he stopped thrusting them in her and only rubbed her clit. Once her high relaxed, he slipped his fingers out of her and licked them.

He pumped a quarter size amount of hand sanitizer in his hand, cleaning his hands, and kept driving.

He looked over to Claudia and smirked. "Thank fuck for tinted windows, huh Claudia."

***

Claudia was bundled up in her room so she wouldn’t disrupt Calum during the livestream. She went downstairs to get her water and a snack after hearing 'Not in the Same Way.' She bumped into Calum in the kitchen, who was getting another White Claw.

"Hey," she said kissing his cheek.

"Miss you." Calum said in between kisses.

Before she said anything, Michael's yelling that he was a pickle echoed through the kitchen. Calum gave her a look and went back to the living room. Duke tried getting on the couch but failed.

"I leave for a fucking second and you're a fucking pickle." Calum said, trying his best not to laugh.

He picked up Duke and sat him in his lap. Panchito wandered over and hopped on the couch and used Duke's bed as a pillow.

"Uh… this is Panchito. He's the Santos' family dog." Calum said introducing the blue heeler puppy to the 40 thousand people watching. "He's about four months old and just sleeps all day with Duke."

The livestream went on until Michael's phone died and Calum continued with Luke. But just before Michael signed off, he thanked Claudia for making the CALM cakes and cookies. Calum struggled a bit to get Luke connected, but he managed once Claudia hopped in and showed him how. He gave her a sheepish thank you and watched her curl up on the opposite end of the couch.

At some point during Calum and Luke's segment, they strayed off their music and discussed cake flavors. When Claudia heard Luke say that he's not a big fan of red velvet cake, she bit back her comment about Luke eating a few slices of red velvet cake at Calum's birthday party the year before. If Claudia knew how to do one thing, that's bake a good red velvet cake.

By the time Calum finished the livestream and his phone call with Luke, Claudia had fallen asleep. He signaled the dogs to follow him outside so they can do their nightly business before going to bed. He guided them back to their respective kennels and secured the doors, so they couldn't escape to go ruin Soni's plants.

"Claudia," Calum said softly. He gently nudged her awake. "Let's go upstairs."

"Fuck, did I fall asleep?" she asked, rubbing her eyes.

"Yeah, surprisingly since you took about four naps today." he teased her.

"Oh shush." she grumbled, folding the blanket she covered herself with.

They quietly went to the guest room where Calum was sleeping to watch a movie. Not even fifteen minutes into the movie, Claudia and Calum were devouring each other. Her hand lazily stroked his length through his sweats as Calum's hands ran over her thighs and ass.

"We should get on the floor, the bed squeaks too much." Claudia said when pulled away from Calum to take off her hoodie.

She got off from the bed and grabbed a duvet from the closet and laid it on the floor. She grabbed some of the decorative pillows and arranged them neatly so they could lay on them. Calum followed suit and shedded off his sweater and sweatpants. He laid back on the duvet and took in Claudia. She sat in his lap in nothing but a light grey bralette and matching panties she got at Aerie. It wasn't an overall sexy set, but it still sent him spiralling.

She leaned down and captured Calum's lips with hers. He let out an incoherent grumble as Claudia rocked her hips against his cock. He slowly inched his hands up her thighs, feeling his way around until he found her ass. He roughly gripped her ass and began guiding her along his clothed cock.

“Can you fucking wait?” Claudia giggled, pulling away from his lips. She sat back up on his lap and took off her bralette. “I wanna take care of you.”

“I don’t want you to.” He said.

“You better remember that the next time you get a stomach ache for eating too many chilaquiles.”

Claudia drummed his chest and got up from the floor. She reached for Calum’s hoodie and tied her hair in a bun.

“Where are you going?” Calum asked her confused.

“You don’t want my help, so I don’t see what I’m doing here.” She shrugged.

She grabbed her phone from the nightstand and gave him a small salute before leaving his room. She waited outside, knowing he was going to go after her. A few seconds later he opened the door and pulled her inside.

“I’m kidding, I need you.” Calum said peppering kisses all over her face.

“That’s what I thought.” She said, triumphantly. She got down on her knees and tugged down Calum’s sweats. She licked her lips and looked up at him. “Now let me show you how proud I am of your album.”

“What would you rank it?”

“Definitely one of your top four.”

Taglist: @f-mu @another-lonely-heart​ @sunshinebabycal-deactivated2021​   @calumscalm​ @karajaynetoday​ @cherryxwildflower​ @myloverboyash​  @idontneedanyone​ @findingliam-o​ @5-secondsofcolor​ @spicylftv​ @sexgodashton​ @fckingpernico​ @2fangirl4u​ @calpops

[unsuspectable-weirdo]

I need to vent a little about being locked out of certain fandoms I want to experience and enjoy because of my disorder so...

Tw eating disorders discussion under the cut, please dont proceed if descriptions of behaviours and intrusive thoughts can put you in a bad place

When I heard of Heartstopper getting a serie I saw everyone's excitement, and as I looked more into it I was too, it looked so good! So in the meantime I bought the first two books, and omg I loved them. If you know how the story continues you can guess the reason of this post.

My ED is... not going well, let's say. An euphemism, really, I still live with very fatphobic parents, still dance, and the damage done to me in my childhood cannot be worked through without proper therapy. Thing that, thanks to previously mentioned parents, I cant get.

I guess i just wanna vent about how damn sad and isolationg and dare I say... shameful, it feels, not to be able to enjoy something because it contains an experience, real and understable, that will trigger me into hurting myself more than I already do.

The thing is, I've dealt with bulimia alone and in secret for 8 years now. Came pretty close to heal once too, but unfortunate events made me relapse harder than before. Most days, the feeling is managable. Purging behaviour after dinner and lunch comes before i can think, but I can always eat breakfast unbothered. On better days, i dont throw up at all, and while it stresses me out a lot, i at least can rationalize i'm achieving something for myself.

All it takes is a comment, no matter if positive or negative, if directed at me or someone else. A picture. "Someone you know lost a lot of weight!" Such a competitive bastard of a disorder, this is. The things it starts telling me then, you see! They're doing good, better than you ever will! Everyone will be so proud and treat them well, you dont deserve that until youve lost more than them. Even if it's an impossible amount, and I know it would mean death. Sometimes that possibility doesn't even look scary, and in my lucid moments im horrified. Do something to be worthy, to feel good in comparison, so we can praise you. Feeling faint is good. Slapping and scratching yourself till your skin breaks is good, it will teach you better. This strangling anxiety is good, you will feel too nauseus to eat.

Another part of me is extremly affected by the looks of other people. In heartstopper, it's charlie the one with an ed. Always described as small, thin, light as a feather. "That someone who lost weight doesnt even look like their former self! Theyre so small!!"

I'm... short. I will never be able so see myself as small or thin. Nothing you show me can make me see what my mind shields from my eyes. But I over esagerate how small other people are. I do realize that, i felt so confused when a friend of mine said my clothes didn't fit her, i cant comprehend how we're not the same size. I fear i might have hurt them back then too. People looking all so thin to me, and especially if they did lose weight, it sparks genuine fear in me. Fear they might be going through the same as me. I don't want that for them, they dont deserve it, they're perfect. I'm the problem. Show them that I, bigger than them, can eat a lot and with gusto... see, they're doing it too now, I'm helping. Now throw it all up tho, you're done showing off. For fucks sake, i should have been anorexic instead of bulimic.

...i cant believe this is a train of thoughts i fall into as soon as i see a mention of eating disorders. This vile, violent and horryfing ride gets triggered at the drop of a hat. And I wanna clarify, i think the portraial of charlie's ed in heartstopper is really good and realistic! Both in motivation, triggers, thoughts and how to tackle it, from the little things i've unfortunately seen at least.

And yet it still keeps me from enjoying a very cute, earnest, important serie about teen queer romance that started out totally captivating me. I know too that my experiences are my own, and many people will feel seen and validated through this plot, i'm cheering for you.

I just cant help feeling sad

And I fear encountering media that don't treat this topic as gracefully as heartstopper does

[onemanzerosquad]

New York Blackbeard Diary Recap Pt.2

Day 6...... I woke up and got ready for work. While waiting for the bus, some guy was sitting inthe middle of the street having cars pass him and finally a non-scumbag driver decided to stop and ask the guy what's his deal. Pretty much he was tripping off of acid and wanted to kill himself. Next thing, like double digit number of cops surrounding and walked him to the corner away from cars. Could of been a Watching Wanda but I got on the bus. Pretty much worked for 12 hours and was amazed that my body limitations didn't reach to the short maximum. It was my first full week of work and it was cool. But full offside problems which I wont get into so much cause the day is over. My Sunday will be full fixing the issue but it's all good because I hate doing nothing anyway.

Day 7........Woke up from a power sleep that was needed from a long work day. Started off the day helping out an ex only to find out she was dealing with something that I saw as a lack of respect of herself which led me to a disappointment on her for her actions considering the fact that she wanted me back but I decline the offer. After that situation, I put myself in thinking mode contemplating on love because at this point, I starting to lose a lot of interest in it. Maybe it's me or I just pick the wrong woman to love and be with. Moving on, I washed my clothes and took care of an issue dealing with my bank account which will be fully fixed by Tuesday. After, I spent the day just focusing on love and where it stands because I'm leading towards calling it quits. While in thinking mode, I got a message on Instagram of a business opportunity of investing which I'm gonna to decline due to lack of knowledge on investing and doing business over the phone and social media is too uncomfortable. In meantime, I'm gonna look over what was discuss in that chat. Tomorrow I start my new workout and finally look more into this book I recently purchase titled......The Filter Bubble.

Day 8.......Woke up and decline the business offer which was calm then instead of hitting the gym, I went back to sleep.Woke up back and forth with moments. Woke up ate lunch from the shelter and talk to a friend and updated my health. Surprisely, I didn't use the cane all day. Went back to sleep but this time it was power nap and ate dinner and seen mold on a bread like wtf Being in the shelter has given me realization of reality to the point that I fully understand why people sleep on the streets and dont want to go to the shelter. After I leave the shelter, there will definitely change of things. I'm ending this day reading Rich Dad Poor Dad and The Filter Bubble. Tomorrow is a new day.

Day 9......Woke up with a headache from a dream. In my dream was me in hospital pretty much dying seeing people that that currently had in my life. I was dying of cancer apparently. With that scene came with moments of my past. Then I woke up and started crying thinking to myself what the f**k. I wipe the tears from my eyes and took a shower and got ready. Pretty much left me paranoid everytime someone sat next to me smoking a cigarette. Went to library and used the computer to contact my neurologist to fill this form from in regards to my restrictions of my body. Looking over the form later that day, I realize this form will come from honesty and being realistic with myself since I have to finally accept the fact that my body has limitations. This led to me thinking about 2013 til now and......I been through a lot of shit and pretty much everything is gone. So what now. First this horrible dream and this realization that I did everything to make things right. I might as well let it all out. I'm sharing my life from then to now and not holding anything back. I may lose respect and friends but I feel it's time to let it out and finally leave the past the past and accept the outcome......There's no point of hiding my thoughts anymore. Everything is basically gone.

Day 10........Woke up. Night before was kinda unfortunate watching a guy taken by the ambulance. My only assumption would be a drug related incident. I skipped gym today to work on this restriction form. First was first, a mail pick up. Had to fill out forms and make calls. My restrictions form was pretty much done. It was answered with honesty and from a realistic mindset. It goes back to what ex told me like a week ago....... My body has more limitations than anyone else and that I need to know when to slow down. It was unfortunately the true. I just needed to accept it and I did.

As I expressed on the last post, I will share my life from then to now. I would share from birth to now but 2011 started this Fall to Rise to Fall so here we go........

Summer 2011 was an end of something that I took very hard. My 2 year relationship with my first love finally end. I'll admit this publicly, as much as both sides had fault to it, I fucked that up mostly. I was insecure, lazy, had no ambition, anger problems and just verbally abusive. I provoked her at times. She try to make it up to me all the but I didnt give her the time of the day. I would apologize all the time and promise not to bullshit her then went back on my bullshit. The affections faded away and the assurance of being the protector wasn't wanted any longer. She finally had the courage to be strong and leave. I'm sure it wasn't easy. As I look back at it, she did the right thing. I'm sure she's happy now and at this point that's all I want for her. Anyway, the summer was kind of depressing and after the bullshit of being in the pystactric emergency room, to the shelter, back to the pystactric emergency room, then to a friends home, to The Bronx, I decided to finally go back home stay. Instead of not eating and doing nothing, I started working out and doing backyard wrestling a lot more than I should. Most of the year I was in the BWA (beach) but after the breakup, I went back to the stomping grounds DIW (and IKW) which was a place comfort to be honest. No disrespect but I couldn't trust most of guys at BWA (beach) since the break up. Well only the white boys I trusted lol. Felt like I was being hurt physically by some intentionally. I remember getting a call from my boy that left New York and apparently alot was being said about me but no one never confronted me about it which was some bitch shit to me cause there's three sides to a story and no one nevered talked to me about what was being said about me that year. So being at BWA (beach), it was uncomfortable cause now I know that something was said about me to some and those who read this know who you are. I didnt even trust my tag partner especially that one day when he just randomly basically admit that he had a thing for my ex. Like when he said that, the thought in my head was that if I had a gun, I would shoot him with hopes that he would die like. Is this nigga serious? Like she just left me and you got the nerve to say that shit. Fucking fat piece of shit get no pussy motherfucka.....Felt to be on some murder shit when he said that lol. Still wrestled in BWA (beach) but felt more comfortable in DIW. I knew my guys over there had my back no matter what and it was a family thing and they knew me more. As months went by, backyard wrestling became like a career/lifestyle. I would wrestle in BWA (bronx) during the week, DIW and IKW on Saturdays, then BWA (beach) on Sundays. The only thing that kept me going to BWA (beach) was my storyline with the Axis Of Choas. That match with Pitch Black was top favorite match. It brought me back to the real backyard wrestling days (IBW) During that year, I got involve in social media a lot trying to find love. Still insecure and in denial, I got into long distance relationships but one became something special to me and it started on New Years Eves.

Love is Love

Jikai.......One Last Time. The Past From The Last View 2012 The Love Gamble But 2......

Mad King Recharging Arc