#internationalbereavedmothersday

[gemcuare]

Mama of Two

Every year on the first Sunday in May, International Bereaved Mother's Day honors mothers who have lost a child. It's also a day to recognize women who cannot be a mother due to infertility or other health reasons. One of the hardest days for many women around the world as Mother's Day.

TRIGGER WARNING mention of loss

So I will carry you While your heart beats here Long beyond the empty cradle Through the coming years I will carry you All my life And I will praise the One Who's chosen me To carry you

It’s been a little over four years now since I started this motherhood journey. Even my last proper blog entry here was about Maternity... an experience I wanted to write about in a series. But obviously, four years have passed since and my son has now grown into this wonderful, cheeky big boy (family also moved from Korea to New Zealand)! I just wrote about the second trimester the last time I sat to blog here and now I am at this stage of getting him his first soccer shoes and having his primary school enrolment lined up. Time sure did fly!

But as the title of this entry suggests, I also have a second child. And that, after gathering some courage, I promised myself to write. Nothing inspiring or interesting like that. But still something I hold close to my heart and will read back in years to come. Anyway...

In September 2020, after a year or so of anxiety from secondary infertility (my hormones have always been at odds with me for forever) while trying to conceive Baby #2, I received the miracle of an answered prayer... and that was the wanted pregnancy. 

It was the 7th week (October), instead of an ultrasound to confirm a heartbeat, I found myself waking up from an emergency surgery. While I was in bed, the surgeon stopped by, showed me photos of my uterus, the right fallopian tube where the fetus was in, the beginning stages of internal bleeding-- the cold clinical diagnosis of an ectopic pregnancy, and the successful laparoscopy. From a medical and moral standpoint, the pregnancy was not viable, the internal bleeding was life-threatening, so termination was inevitable.

Compassionately, the doctors expressed their sympathy and added a hopeful “Next time we hope to see you in the maternity ward (to deliver a baby)...” I sighed a sigh of relief, thanked them for saving my life, and got myself ready for the road to recovery.

Or not. 

It didn’t take long from the “I can’t believe it, we’re gonna have another baby!” to turn into “I can’t believe I lost a baby.” 

Just as two lines on a pregnancy test could easily lead to a future family of four... until something goes wrong and your worst fear is realised.

From Congratulations to I’m sorry.

From dream come true to living a nightmare.

From exciting to traumatic.

From thanking God for an answered prayer to being angry at God for the tragedy.

Grief. Yes, it has become very much a big part of me since that day of my surgery. Since becoming a mother. Of. Two.

6 years ago, when I lost my father at 52, grief entered and changed me and scarred me for life. Then...

It happened again. 

Not long ago, I was happy and hopeful... now I’m walking this sometimes painful, sometimes numbing, always lonely road of grief. My incision scars have long faded and all. I even forget that I had a body part gone. But not the part of my Mama heart that died.

I often listen to Bethany Barnard’s song, Tears on Your Face. A raw and beautiful song coming from grief... one of my go-to songs for comfort to ride a wave of grief or anger that knocks the wind out of my faith.

You don't fast forward me through this And I've gotta reconcile that You want to know me when I'm like this And I've gotta reconcile that You didn't change the diagnosis And I've gotta reconcile that You've reconciled it all in Your flesh

And like her, I’m still trying to make sense of my life post the loss. 

It’s now 2022, I’m living through a global pandemic, inflation, and war but I’ll shamelessly admit that I’m still hung up on losing that baby. There was even a phase... whenever I heard someone complain about something, and while listening, looking like I was empathizing, but mentally I was raging. So? But I lost my baby...

The weather sucks. So? But I lost my baby.. 

Traffic sucks. So? But I lost my baby.. 

The housing market sucks. So? But I lost my baby..

COVID sucks.  So? But I lost my baby..

The government sucks.  So? But I lost my baby..

Everyone around me moved on in life. And to me, that felt wrong. But that was just my grief. 

I couldn’t stand pregnancy and baby related posts on social media. But that was just my grief. 

I gave my son extra hugs thinking bitterly that he might be an only child. But that was just my grief. 

I stopped praying. I was scared that instead of giving, God will keep taking away from me. But that was just my grief.

On better days, I find comfort in knowing that my baby is Home in Glory, like my Papa. That she (or he) won’t have to experience the struggles of living in this fallen world, she was spared of suffering and evil. And that I will meet her. Even if it’s for the first time. Because God made her soul, she exists. I’ll always be her mum and she will always be my child. God is good. I’m gonna be okay.

On difficult days, I am far from okay. Hours of stuffing my face in a pillow, stifling the ugly bawling. Here I go again, mourning...

I know that I’ll be brokenhearted for a very long time... I’ve read so many stuff coming from mothers who lost children from every stage of pregnancy or infancy... In Reddit, Facebook groups, Youtube’s comment section. Mothers mourning for 10, 20, 50 long years. Crying about someone they’ll never know in this life but alive and loved, forever carried in their hearts. So much grief and pain.

This is the world of bereaved mothers. A place no Mama deserves to find themselves in. A life I didn’t want to know and am crippled with.

I am all here to celebrate my son’s milestones. Absolutely! but also a part of me will grieve for the other one who didn’t make it... 

Knowing what I know, I hoped to go through it all again, you see.  Having been through pregnancy, babyhood, and now childhood through raising my son... I was going to be an improved version, not like a first-timer. But instead, I am in a loop, hounded by what-if’s and could be’s... I never thought it’ll be silently devastating. The trauma is so sneaky, out of nowhere it messes with me.

I wasn’t prepared for it-- the unbearable thought of never knowing.

The sound of your heartbeat.

The sleepless nights. The cuddles and kisses.

What you’d look like. Your smile. Your frown. 

What you’d sound like.  When you call me “Mama.”

I wasn’t prepared for it-- the guilt.

I was supposed to keep you healthy and safe and alive. But instead, from the womb, I couldn’t. For all I know, you were a perfectly healthy baby, but to preserve my life, yours was cut short. I gave up my right tube for my right to live. For my health and future’s sake. While you were just getting started, cells still multiplying, your tiny heart still beating. *SNIP* Tube removed. That was it?

I feel like I should be very sorry. Why, my poor baby, you had to go that way?

I wasn’t prepared for it-- a future of missing someone.

When we take a family picture, Christmas, New Year, birthdays, and every June. I can just see you there, you were going to turn 2.

So it’s just right to not ever forget you. I can’t and I shouldn’t. I’ll make sure your brother knows you. But even if it’s just me, I’ll cry when I think of you, when you were given to me and when I lost you. I’ll still imagine you could have been my little girl or boy, someone to cherish and be proud of. Always part of the family I’ve always wanted... 

You belong here.

 And on That Day, when I face you, I can say that in my life, in my own way, no matter what, Mama’s here and I love you.

Helpful Links:

13 Things You Should Know About Grief After Miscarriage or Baby Loss

Things Not to Say to Someone After a Miscarriage

The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

Pregnancy/Infant/Child Loss Support

An Unexpected Family Outing

P.S.  To family and friends and co-workers who have been there for me, and prayed for me, I also want to say THANK YOU again. I may not be in a better place yet emotionally, and even my faith walk has nothing to show for it... Two years on, know that I’ll always be grateful.

[dearasiyah]

Sending all my love to my fellow bereaved Muslim mamas, to my mamas, today and everyday.

[fatgirlproblems321]

Walking on sunshine I feel the love, I feel the love, I feel the love that's really real I feel the love, I feel the love, I feel the love that's really real I'm on sunshine baby (Ow! Oh yeah!) . . I’m so thankful we were blessed after so many miscarriages. @ourdarlinlucille you are my world and my everything . . . . 📸 @fatgirlproblems321 . . . . . #ourdarlinlucille #growingupdarlin #sunflower #sunflowers #sunflowermaze #miniphotoshoot #internationalbereavedmothersday #d3darlins #d3darlinstyle #dapperday #sunshine #sleddsupick #princess #pickingflowers #picnic #quarantine #floridalife #floridalifestyle #floridafarm (at Sledd's U-Pick Farm) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_voSUWlpIz/?igshid=y62o1exrkp1q

[placentamom]

Today is Bereaved Mother's Day. We honor you as the mothers of your children not in your arms. We acknowledge you. We see you. We remember your children with you always. #InternationalBereavedMothersDay #BereavedMothersDay #weremember #mother #grief #childloss #miscarriage #stillbirth #infantloss #placentamom #sacramento #placentaencapsulation (at Sacramento, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_vUuPqpqNq/?igshid=168qxfrpz8twn

[alexismariechute]

Did you ❤️ reading Eat, Pray, Love? Or Wild? Then here’s another memoir for you: Expecting Sunshine! www.ExpectingSunshine.com Goodreads giveaway ON NOW for the brand new second edition!! 💕Enter: @goodreads 📚 . . . . #expectingsunshine #memoir #babyloss #pregnancyafterloss #pregnancyloss #miscarriage #stillbirth #makeadifference #strongertogether #infertility #lifeafterloss #pregnancylossjourney #bereavedmother #blogging #babylosssupport #babylossawareness #mamablogger #mamablog #internationalbereavedmothersday #pregnancylossawareness #encouragementfortheday #newnormal #bereavedmothersday #kidsmatter #celebratingsweeties #wantedchosenplanned #mothersday https://www.instagram.com/p/BxxmuN9AKcb/?igshid=1s4pht3ol7pw8

[sarahphoenixrising-blog]

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day. What should be a happy time of year for all of us is instead, heartrending and hurtful. Be aware of the grief that some of your loved ones are experiencing, and be kind. This is the kind of grief that doesn't fade or heal. We just get better at hiding it. #internationalbereavedmothersday #bereavedmothersday #grievingmother #griefawareness #grief #angelbabies #brokenheart #miscarriageawareness #bekind https://www.instagram.com/p/BxGCKW5jrte/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1upohxcu8ne69

[merrymunky]

Lumi, your due date has finally arrived. Of all the days, it had the pure coincidence to fall on this year’s International Bereaved Mother’s Day. It’s so fitting. If ever I needed a day to remember my status as a mother and to honour your existence, today is that day. Thank you for giving me the title of ‘Mum’. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for fighting for those 16 weeks. Thank you for bringing me so much happiness after years of assuming we would never be parents. Thank you for for giving me so many memories and experiences of being pregnant. Just...thank you. I’m so sorry things didn’t turn out the way they should have. Ten years hoping and praying for you. It seems so cruel that your life ended before it really had a chance to begin. I’m sorry you never got to see how beautiful this world is. I’m sorry we never got to play. I’m sorry we never got to share all our favourite things with you. I was so looking forward to the future with you. I wish I could hold you now, a fully grown, plump newborn with life, warmth and a beating heart. I’m trying to live for you right now. It’s hard and every day is a battle, even when I’m smiling. Just know you are so loved and not a day goes by where my heart doesn’t ache for you. I love you, my precious son. 💙🌙⭐️#internationalbereavedmothersday #babyloss #babylossmum #babylosssurvivor #duedate #babylosswarrior #bereavement https://www.instagram.com/merrymunky/p/BxE5DZ5J6Ra/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=aomwfks61bsb

[marcytheheartshiftcoach]

[jlv198807]

#internationalbereavedmothersday #sunday #may #6th #infantloss #angelbaby #angelbabies #angelbabiesinheaven #rip #guardianangel #guardianangels 👼😇 (at Cambridge, Illinois)

[lindsaycbj]

#Repost @notpregnantbook • • • #Repost @ailaandlior ・・・ International Bereaved Mother’s Day. We are the mamas who carry the weight of our children in our heart instead of arms. Our days may look the same as many other women, but there’s a different way of being that grief weaves into our hearts. We know that love doesn’t always look like kisses, affection and smiles. Love can be heart wrenching, aching and tearful. Please, if there’s a woman in your life who has lived this- reach out to her. These are the longest days. I guarantee you she can tell you exactly how old her children would be, and her body can recall all the memories they formed together. I will always wonder who you would have been. . . . . . #IBMD #internationalbereavedmothersday #mothersday #mother #love #loss #miscarriage #awareness #stillbirth #remember #always

[felitaslove]

God Bless You @ericammcafee! I L💙VE your mission! You are truly a blessing and will continue to be blessed! HAPPY BEREAVED MOTHERS DAY! Once a mother, always a mother! Regrann from @ericammcafee - On this International Bereaved Mother's Day, I am sharing my first born Brandon Jr. with you. I typically don't share pics unless its Heavenversary, but today I felt led to share a picture of my baby to help inspire someone else to do the same. # We should not feel sorry or shameful of our babies in heaven. This is my proof that he did exist and we were blessed to capture our love before giving him back to God. This is what my husband is doing in this picture giving him back to God. # This is my first born Brandon Jr. and his 6th heavenversary is in November. # #ericammcafee #grief #miscarriage #infantloss #infertility #griefcounseling #griefcoach #fertilitycoach #griefjourney #ihadamiscarriage #sistersinloss #podsincolor #pregnancylossawareness #miscarriageawareness #blackmoms #infantlossawareness #stillbirthawareness #pailawarness #mybabyexisted #emmpodcast #sistersinloss #sistersinlosspodcast #internationalbereavedmothersday Connect with me to see post you can relate with and that will brighten your spirit Facebook: Felita's Love IG: felitaslove Twitter: Felita's Love #grief #griefsupport #griefjourney #griefisreal #lifeafterdeath #grievingdaughter #grievingson #grievingchild #childloss #miscarriage #grievingmother #grievingfather #widow #widower #coloncancerawareness #cancersucks #felitaslove

[bethsimes]

Today is #internationalbereavedmothersday spare a thought for the mothers who have children who now only #liveintheirheart I have 3 who #liveinmyheart and no longer walk beside me (or, let's be honest, run ahead of me). I am grateful everyday for my #3kids that keep me on my toes everyday but that doesn't mean that I don't remember their three siblings that are no longer here. Let a #bereavedmother know that you're thinking of her today. . . . . . #mychilddidexist #lifeoutofthefastlane #lootfl #bereaved #bereavement #bereavedparents #miscarriage #babyloss #sids #gonebutneverforgotten #iwillloveyoualways #iwillloveyouforever #youareloved #youdidexist #handprintsinmyheart #alwaysyourmom

[suffokait-blog1]

Parker would have been due in 9 days on May 16th, only days after actual Mother's Day. I was going to pretend Mother's Day wasn't a thing because I didn't want to partake in a day where I don't physically have the one thing that makes me a mother. But I do. I had a beautiful boy who decided to grace us with his sweet little face 4 months early. I held him and I loved him. I AM a mother. I will always wonder who Parker would have been and what wonderful things he'd do in his life. And although my time with my son was heartbreaking and devastatingly short, I could not be more grateful for the time that I did get. Do I wish the outcome of his birth was different? Absolutely, but I would never take back what happened or trade the roll of being his mother for anything. I would do it all over if it meant I could kiss his little face one more time. I would rather have known him for the moment I did than never at all. I will always be his mother and he will always be my son. #internationalbereavedmothersday #bereavedmother #bereavedmothersday #angelmom #mybabyhaswings #angelbaby #iamamother #infantloss #cervicalincompetence #1in100

[momtipsco]

Bereaved Mothers Day Quotes And Messages “This article is dedicated for this bereaved mothers day for moms who live without their precious baby, secondly to all mothers who have no living children. #bereavedmothermothersday #bereavedmothersday #bereavedmothersdaycards #bereavedmothersdayquotes #bereavementmothersday #internationalbereavedmothersday #mothersdaycardforbereavedmother #mothersdayforbereavedmothers #mothersdaypoemsforbereavedmothers #nationalbereavedmothersday

[alexismariechute]

Did you ❤️ reading Eat, Pray, Love? Or Wild? Then here’s another memoir for you: Expecting Sunshine! www.ExpectingSunshine.com Goodreads giveaway ON NOW for the brand new second edition!! ��Enter: @goodreads 📚 . . . . #expectingsunshine #memoir #babyloss #pregnancyafterloss #pregnancyloss #miscarriage #stillbirth #makeadifference #strongertogether #infertility #lifeafterloss #pregnancylossjourney #bereavedmother #blogging #babylosssupport #babylossawareness #mamablogger #mamablog #internationalbereavedmothersday #pregnancylossawareness #encouragementfortheday #newnormal #bereavedmothersday #kidsmatter #celebratingsweeties #wantedchosenplanned #mothersday https://www.instagram.com/p/Bxvp3k6gJ8u/?igshid=iv7yy8jmj44a

[jlv198807]

#internationalbereavedmothersday #sunday #may #6th #infantloss #angelbaby #angelbabies #angelbabiesinheaven #rip #guardianangel #guardianangels 👼😇 (at Cambridge, Illinois)