#is this relatable does anyone relate bc i finally figured out how to articulate this specific frustration and i think i actually did

[steponmepinkjun]

Sara I hope you dont mind me dropping this kind of ask, I just dont have anyone to talk abt this topic in particular and i have seen you open up about being neurodivergent multiple times.

All this time I believe that im neurotypical and always have to progress through life the way neurotypical people do, but from like 2 years ago i'm starting to question if i really am one bcs when I read about neurodivergency I slowly began to see myself in the description. How does one get um.. Diagnosed? I feel like theres sth abt myself that i havent figured out yet and I just want to know and love myself better.

Also forgive me for not being articulate enough, this is something im working out on.

Okay so I am obviously not a doctor or expert on neurodivergency, but I've gleaned a bit of knowledge from the nearly three decades I've spent being ND. So heres my advise.

First, I would begin with identifying why you'd like to seek an official diagnosis. Depending on what it is you're trying to diagnose, there are advantages and disadvantages.

Officially being diagnosed with ADHD gave me a sense of understanding I never had, gave a name to the symptoms that had been, quite honestly, ruining my life, and most importantly gave me access to the medication that completely turned my life around and made me a functioning human being. Even though I was diagnosed late in life (ie after school/developing years), I was still very lucky—my psychiatrist saw what the six previous ones I'd seen didn't. Before that, I was in treatment for depression and anxiety since age 11, had seen 13 therapists, and been on over 15 medications, to no avail. I'm lucky because a lot of obtaining a diagnosis for ADHD relies on self-reporting and reports from your parents—which is fucking stupid considering adhd is genetic, so my adhd parent probably isn't going to see my behavior as abnormal, IF they can even remember my behavior or payed attention to it. Despite those things, I was able to finally get diagnosed at age 22, and it changed my life. However, despite the fact that I suspected since I was a teenager that I might be on the autism spectrum (my brother, father, and several members of his family are), I made the conscious decision not to seek an official diagnosis. The medical community at large is incredibly ignorant and biased in regards to diagnosing autism in women, getting a diagnosis is ridiculously expensive, and unfortunately where I live an autism diagnosis can put you at significant disadvantage in the court system (it's often used as proof that an individual isn't mentally competent enough to do things like stand trial or be given sole custody of their own children, among other things). Plus, autism itself isn't treatable, so in my eyes I saw no benefit to getting a piece of paper telling me what I already knew. That's a personal choice that no one can judge another for—your reasons for seeking diagnosis are entirely valid whatever they are, and you owe an explanation to no one. I only wish to point out that not all diagnosis carry the same cost/benefit.

Getting a diagnosis can be a huge uphill battle, and it usually takes stamina and mental fortitude to get there. But everyone needs and deserves to have a community, a sense of understanding, and a support network, and wanting that alone is a more than valid reason to pursue a diagnosis.

So here's what I'd do. Get yourself in to see a psychiatrist (a therapist will do IF they have the training to diagnose, not all do), and do some research beforehand. Things as simple as googling "I think I might have/be (insert neurodivergent term here, for me this would be ADHD or autistic)" can give you some good starting points for what traits/symptoms are common. And as you're doing your research, take notes! If you see something jump out at you that you super relate to or that puts a feeling you've always had into words, write it down, copy the phrase, include things like how often you feel that way and what age you were when you began experiencing that. If there are ND behaviors that your immediate family share, that is very relevant, and actually gives a lot of context as to if something is a ND trait, trauma response, or shared personality quirk. Bring those notes with you to your appointment, reference them, and take notes of your own with the Dr's feedback. If you feel like you're being dismissed, tell them that, if you feel dissatisfied with their assessment, say so, and ask what your options are going forward. You probably won't walk away with a solid answer in just one day, but it's a good place to start.

It usually doesn't hurt to seek out community online, either, provided you take it all with a grain of salt—I've found that doctors tend to minimize symptoms, while peers online tend to maximize them. Ie, the way ND tiktok has become a slew of "do you breathe oxygen? Here's why that might be a sign you have adhd" type vids. Get second and third and fourth opinions before you take something to heart, you know?

And (even though this may go without saying), while I am no doctor, I have amassed more knowledge of my own disorders (as well as cptsd, ho lawdy its a fuckin doozy) than perhaps any one person should, so if you're at all in my vein or neurodivergency then please feel free to reach out to me directly, I'm always open to offering advise or a friendly ear or a sounding board for thoughts and ideas.

[icharchivist]

Hey Icha I hope you'll be alright. honestly Banri has really grown on me alot so i completely understand you're frustration. dunno why people put energy into the hate so much. i mean i guess its a little funny when they make jokes but it does get annoying after awhile. it sucks since Banri had so much development in act 2. I loved the way he was mentoring Azami, and even went to fight for him when he got kidnapped. he's not the same brat he used to be. Plus hes a really good big brother figure to alot of the younger characters too. bless. I loved his interactions with yuki in that one event

Heeyy <33 thank you you’re very sweet... <3

I’m glad to hear Banri did end up growing on you!! like, i mean, i love him and i want people to see his growth but i also understand why people would still, not  care for him much  and i don’t even blame people (my post was just really bc i see too much of those posts LDKJFDF)

I really do feel like i see more posts “joking” negatively about Banri that i see positive jokes about like, characters people actually like, and at some point i’m just. where do you get this energy  😭

Banri really had a lot of development, his dynamic with Azami is really so good and it really shows how he grew. His dynamic with Yuki in Into the Night is still one of my fav scenes eVER and im just so soft about it...

there’s a lot to him i really like in term of development and imo his development also shed light to even some of his flawed behavior in the past. I remember when i was about to watch the Autumn part of the anime i was anxious because i did remember disliking Banri when i first read the Autumn chap and it’s only after he saw Juza’s portrait i started to warm up to him, so i was so anxious the bad behavior that turned me off back then would kick off again, but instead i just remember loving him even more because i could see through the attitude and sees some elements of his storyline i really really love (mainly how a lot of his behavior come from attempt at killing boredom he doesn’t even realize are just that, that his “super easy mode” side ended up vastly isolating him (it’s in act 2 i think he mentions that even his family grew tired of him always winning at some point? which made him lose any passion he could have) and he’s basically just desperately seeking for anything that may give him thrills, and the backlash of failing at something for the first time in a long time, and finally managing to realize that this is where he’s thriving, in being able to have a space in which he can grow without basically being shut off because he’s “the best anyway”, while also getting people who *wants* him around (i’m thinking when he originally talks to Itaru about competing for the video game but Itaru drags him into being his gaming partner for exemple: Banri didn’t even THINK about collaborating, because his “perfectness” isolated him this much, and it was a way also to realize he could exist in a spot just by being, not by being the best).. i have a lot of thoughts about all of this i can’t articulate much today). 

I found it SO interesting that i was too busy thinking about his thoughts about all of those themes that i forgot to be mad at him and instead ended up loving him more in general. 

I also tend to also be a little more defensive with a3 because i think the characters all have complex sides to them people can relate to, which are generally taken in direction that are just... so good by a3, so i get attentive to what sort of issues people can relate to with those. I remember reading a lot of people say they related to Banri with a “burnt out gifted kid syndrome” approach and i think there’s something really interesting in the way a3 decided to tackle it.

So there’s really a lot of things i find really interesting with Banri and he has a lot of dynamics i really love, mainly with Yuki and Azami and even Kumon!!, or even just how he grew into the role of the Leader of his troupe to start with... that i’m just always a little bummed when i only see posts focusing on, let’s be real, his early dynamic with Juza (who honestly has grown more into a banter now than actual animosity anyway) which ends up shaping all of the way people see him despite him interreacting with more characters and having an individual arc on his own, even moreso as one of the leaders.

but again i also don’t want to impose my view of a character on anyone and i still see how his initial dynamic with Juza can leave a very bad taste in people’s mouth and humor is a way to cope, but at this point it’s just, too much, i see too much of those and i’m tired djlfhdFKJLDFL

i wish people were as dedicated making content about the characters they liked as they did dunking on character they don’t like that much

but orz. Hopefully eventually it’ll get better but. we’ll see...

[winchesternova-k]

Why/how do you support "Dean" when he has nearly every major trait in which people dislike "John" for? And I genuinely have no aggression towards this question! I just want to get your take on this character.

tbh i rlly hate comparisons between dean and john fvgfvf bc i don’t think it’s fair when their dynamic is one of a victim and abuser but i’ll do my best to answer this fvgfvg idk how articulate i’ll be this bc i do have adhd. ik what i mean and i understand what my point is but whether anyone else will is anyone’s guess fvgfvg

largely in the early seasons dean’s picked up john’s toxic traits as a way of coping w his abusive/neglectful behaviour. in later seasons, dean doesn’t exhibit many of these traits in an unhealthy way, and when he does (which is rare) i usually put it down to the unhealthy coping mechanisms he has (more on that below) or bad writing bc there have been several times when i feel he’s been ooc (his early treatment of jack for example). there’s multiple posts abt these instances in my liveblog tag (“emily liveblogs spn”)

a lot of the issues i have w john stem from the way he puts his vengeance in front of his kids. dean never does that. in the recent seasons, there’s multiple occasions where he actually puts jack in front of his mission. john continually puts his kids in danger, on purpose. the episode w the strega comes to mind. he used his kids as bait and takes his anger out on dean when sam nearly gets killed. he doesn’t even tell them they’re bait. dean is absolutely terrified of sam getting hurt and of disappointing his father. i can’t remember dean ever doing anything like that to anyone let alone jack or ben.

john treats his kids like soldiers and possessions instead of y’know kids. he gives them “orders”. like parents obviously tell their kids what to do but this is whole different level tbh. they blame themselves when things go wrong bc “they didn’t follow orders”. there’s “wow maybe dad knew better and i should listen next time” and then there’s “dad gave me an order and things went wrong bc i ‘disobeyed’. i’m a bad person”. dean and sam experience the latter. on top of that when they disobey john gets rlly angry bc they’re not under his control. this is a classic abuser move and one that my abusers have used on me. dean doesn’t do this w anyone let alone any of the kids he’s been in charge of, including sam.

i mean dean straight up blames himself when they’re used as bait by demons to get to john in one episode. that’s not a reaction that comes from a healthy relationship. jack’s scared sometimes of disappointing his dads (and i think on one occasion of making dean angry), but dean’s v quick to reassure him that even if he’s done smth wrong they still care abt him. john never does that. and like i said, any negative thing resembling john w dean & jack’s dynamic i usually chalk up to bad writing bc parts of it are v inconsistent between eps and dean never acted this way before w ben. and that aside dean has no history of acting like john in those respects any other time.

when sam and dean need help, john doesn’t give it. he just lets them handle it alone, even when they think it could get them hurt, unless it could help w his overall vengeance. whenever someone needs dean’s help, he’s there. i’m rewatching s1 atm (coming straight off the back of not watching any spn for abt idk 3ish yrs, and then starting from last 2 eps of s12 to the most recent ep), and a major difference between dean and john is how they r towards sam. when sam wants to leave, john shouts at him and guilts him into staying and even disowns him. dean is clearly upset and short w him but he tries to be supportive. he doesn’t know what to say and ultimately he’s honest abt how he feels but he doesn’t want to make things hard for sam or hurt him or drive him away like john. he doesn’t want to control sam like john does. he just wants his brother around, but accepts that sam wants things to be different. ultimately i think if sam had gone back to college he would’ve accepted it and gotten used to a more functional relationship. that’s not to say that the winchester brothers relationship is healthy in early seasons bc it’s not. their relationship formed when they were being abused/neglected and dean literally raised sam, and he doesn’t rlly know how to get along w/o sam which is rlly rlly toxic. but it improves over the yrs bc neither of them want to keep living in that unhealthy cycle

w ben, his parenting model w him is completely different to john’s. he tries to keep him out of danger to the point of trying to keep him from knowing the truth until he absolutely has to. when he does the wrong thing by ben (which i’ll admit like john, is usually out of fear) he apologises and tries to make sure he doesn’t do it again. john never does either of these things.

idk if ur talking abt his drinking, etc.? if that’s (partly) what this is abt, they’re unhealthy coping mechanisms that dean has developed bc he doesn’t know how else to deal. he doesn’t do therapy and the influential figures in his life coped this way (bobby, john, etc.) and he would’ve copied it.

mostly i think john doesn’t want to improve. dean does. dean doesn’t want to hurt the ppl he loves and when he does he apologises, even tho it takes a while. that last part is smth i relate to as an abuse survivor, bc abuse makes it hard to admit when ur wrong bc it will be used against u, smth we know for a fact john did w both sam and dean. john is shown to care less abt hurting ppl he cares abt than whatever he’s chasing and i think he apologises like once? in the entire show. i mean dean even knows when he’s being possessed by a demon bc john’s nice to him and tells him he’s proud. sam even says he feels like nothing he ever does is good enough bc of john (smth i also experience due to abuse and neglect). dean’s never afraid to tell jack or ben when he’s proud of them.

john’s happy to hurt whoever he has to to achieve his mission and his revenge, even hurt or kill his kids. he doesn’t WANT to hurt them, but again the strega ep shows that the mission comes first. dean shows how different he is when he refuses to kill jack in the s14 finale. he’s angry and he wants revenge but he knows hurting jack is wrong. dean often goes headfirst into danger to protect others w little thought for his own safety. that’s partially a reaction to john’s treatment of him, but john used to drag his kids into that danger w him. ik sometimes when theyre older john tries to keep them away from it, but that’s when they’re old enough to choose (and he’s still not letting them). but when they were dependent on him, he straight up did not care whether they were in danger or not. not when his mission was at stake. when they’re older and can keep themselves out of danger, that’s when and only when he tries to keep them out of danger. it’s a control thing. john wants them under his thumb and to only do what he wants. jack is usually kept out of the situation unless it’s necessary, and ben was entirely except for one instance where it would’ve been more dangerous to keep him out of it. dean parents jack and ben but he doesn’t try to control them.

ig my main thoughts r that dean’s actions r that of an abuse survivor and developed to survive the situation whereas john’s r that of an abuser. dean’s negative actions usually r only intended to hurt himself whereas john’s r intended to hurt everyone. all up i think their traits seem similar on the surface, but deeper down dean’s v different to john. his negative traits tend to be self destructive rather than just destructive. it’s more ig that dean’s actions r different to john’s? idk if that makes sense fvgfvg but i think that dean treats ppl v differently to john. he tries not to hurt ppl but john doesn’t rlly seem to give a shit if he hurts ppl or not.

tldr; i don’t rlly think dean’s toxic traits are similar to john any further than on a superficial level. any time i’ve seen that (esp in recent seasons) has been a result of bad or inconsistent writing. dean’s also a better dad than john. john shows signs found in abusers and ones i saw in my own abusers; dean doesn’t.

[nobaettadr]

[sinister voice in the background: talk about seliph!]

                                      send me a topic to write a meta on!

ooc.

…………….where…….do i even begin. the way leif feels can be pretty much summed up in two separate categories which influence and feed off of each other, so i think it’s probably the most organized to talk about them separately, though do keep in mind that they’re not at all separate in his mind and they all sort of end up collapsing in on the complicated melting pot of feelings labeled ‘seliph’.

1. admiration / inferiority. in many way, seliph represents what leif has always aspired to be and what he wishes he could have. while seliph lost his parents as well, he had a relatively stable upbringing and more or less made his own decision to set out and face the empire head-on with tirnanogue squad behind him; he was surrounded by people who supported him from day 1, and had a community within which he was accepted and, in a lot of ways, the center of attention. in contrast, leif never lived a secure life; as we know, he was on the run from day one, and while he did also personally want to liberate manster, for the most part he felt that he was destined to do so because this is the mindset that finn imprinted on him for as long as he can remember: you are the son of quan and it is your birthright to free manster when you come of age. no question. of course, there’s also the major holy blood thing. that goes without saying. and the fact he got to meet his parents.

it’s also really important to note when seliph comes into leif’s life: he comes in at the mentally and emotionally lowest point in leif’s life – he’s just undergone siege for six months at leonster castle. after finally fighting all the way there, tooth and nail, and reclaiming his homeland, he’s a hair away from losing it again ( seriously – depending on the game, he’s either defending it p much solo or he has like a paltry handful of forces left, he’s been backed into the last corner of the castle, and morale is the pits ). both he and narration express hopelessness and the inevitability of defeat. the sense of failure and worthlessness that leif feels at this time ( the siege also takes place after dorias’ death due to his mistake ) cannot be put into words. these six months, in my leif’s canon, are the darkest of his life.

it’s also important to look at how seliph is introduced to him – through august, his chief adviser and the one he looks to the most after dorias dies. august, first, drops his title: “the isaachians call him the ‘child of light’. then, he tries to frame seliph in a kind of ‘heroes are made, not born’ way which, while the premise is good and i do believe august was trying to make leif feel better here in his augusty way, leif doesn’t quite take it that way. august says “And [Sigurd’s] son, Lord Celice, is fighting to fulfill his father’s wishes… The people are overjoyed. They wouldn’t hesitate to give their lives to his cause. It’s the perfect scenario.” coming off the back of his own recent experiences with the people of leonster and his own army slowly losing faith in him and his abilities, it’s no surprise that leif compares himself to august’s narration of seliph and automatically considers himself inferior.

the battle to defend leonster ends when seliph’s forces arrive on the scene, and august himself, despite having spent the pre-chap urging leif to still have heart, immediately says “lord seliph’s army has arrived! we have been saved!”, which, to leif, automatically registers as ‘of course, i had to be saved by my cousin. i couldn’t do anything for the people i was supposed to protect. everyone’s already lost hope in me and has just been waiting for him to get here and save us.’ then, actually meeting seliph for the first time, it’s clear to see that leif already considers himself lesser and assumes a subordinate position to him. for instance, i’m pretty sure in the original japanese that he refers to him with respectful honorifics, whereas seliph simply calls him ‘leif’, implying automatic familiarity because they’re cousins ( and bc it’s seliph who’s like you’re cousin! :D we’re automatically close! ). leif also continues to apologize for wanting to go to manster and rescue eyvel rather than joining seliph’s campaign in conote, thanking seliph for granting “my selfish request”; we know it’s not just him bowing and scraping in front of seliph because he refers to it the same way in private later with august.

following that, the conversation with august:

august: lord leif, how was your meeting with lord seliph?leif: he’s an admirable individual. i can’t believe he’s only a year older than me.august: yes. he has gathered an army ten times our size, and has crossed the yied desert at that young age. he is quite a figure.leif: you were saying before that he was ‘made to be a hero.’august: of course, i won’t deny that. however, it is also true that lord seliph does have talent and ability that makes him worthy of being made a hero. he will become much greater than his father, sigurd.leif: i still have a long way to go. i’m ashamed of myself.

speaks for itself, really.

so i think it comes down to – does leif have an idealized vision of seliph? absolutely, to start. he most certainly sees seliph as the ‘scion of light’ and thinks he represents everything that leif wishes he could be. what i imagine – and you can offer your thoughts on this too, if you want, or correct me! – is that this vision eventually changes and develops as they become best friends over the course of fe4. what’s really important for leif is that, as they become friends, he comes to realize that seliph is not perfect, flawless, confident, a born hero. he realizes that seliph has doubts, fears, and insecurities of his own that, in fact, mirror leif’s, and by realizing this, he realizes that having doubts doesn’t make him weak or inferior, that seliph is just like him. this is what gives leif confidence and helps him grow as a person, and also helps him begin to respect and love seliph not as an idolized hero figure, but as a relatable person, someone he can stand on equal ground with and understand emotionally.

in fact, i think it’s really important that, in heroes, seliph talks about how he’s actually a coward, how many times he wanted nothing more than to run away from all his responsibilities and he cites this as one of the incongruities between who he is and how people see him. i think this is interesting in particular because leif, for all his flaws, has never thought of backing down or running away. he’s never been afraid of what he’s had to face. seeing this side of seliph would be vital for him to understand that he actually has characteristics that even make him more qualified than the person he’s idolized, and that they can mutually learn from and strengthen each other.

i’m gonna put the rest of this under a read-more bc a. this is already long and b. heavy tw: incest mentions so uh, look away? you asked for this

2. love. as far as my leif goes, he fell in love with seliph at first sight. objectively, i’m sure some of it was idealized, along with the rest of his feelings about him, but he felt drawn to him in a way he’d never to anyone else before. leif’s certainly had crushes, some of them rather strong ( mareeta ), but he has never, before or since, felt the absolutely flooring sensation of adoration and admiration and i-would-give-my-life-for-you intensity he felt upon meeting seliph for the first time. as they became friends, the emotions only developed and shaped around their growing relationship; if, as i imagine took place in canon, leif came to understand seliph as a person rather than as the ‘scion of light’, his feelings developed accordingly and he fell ever deeper in love with those open, honest eyes and that goofy giggle, the way he scrunches his nose at food he doesn’t like, the way he gestures.

it’s honestly really difficult to put into words adequately the sheer power of my leif’s love for seliph, so i won’t try. but is has most definitely kept him up at night and been the source of countless daydreams, heartache, and tears. ( hell, thinking about it too long makes mun cry so like. ) he would do anything for seliph. 

he does, however, also feel terribly ashamed about his feelings, which is why few know about them despite the fact that he’s also an open book, so people probably do suspect and he just doesn’t know about it. nanna knows about it because she knows him inside and out, and asvel probably because he’s the only one leif trusts 120% no strings attached no ifs ands or buts. seliph is his cousin, which means his feelings are taboo, and even if they weren’t, he doesn’t feel he could ever be worthy of him. for each daydream, each bit of longing, it’s almost immediately followed by a shame and self-disgust so powerful it makes him feel physically nauseous. he loves him so much he can’t articulate it. that’s pretty much it.

leif is convinced that, while he’s sure time will help him overcome it to the point where it’s not so painful all the time, he will always love seliph. he hopes he’ll come to love other people and that he will make them happy and they’ll make him happy and he’ll feel fulfilled, but he doesn’t believe that he will ever feel about someone else as strongly as he’ll feel about seliph – it’s just one of those things he knows, as surely as he knows the sun rises from the east. ( and from a mun standpoint, this is also what makes it hard to ship him with anyone in ferpcanon because no one really likes the idea of someone else being first in their SO’s heart, yeah? )

i…….think that’s everything. i could probably talk about it more but that more or less covers the basics of the intricate shitstorm of emotions. thanks for asking haha :’D