#it feels so unfair that i've never had anything purely good . or . mostly good . but again i guess that in itself explains why i'm currentl

[angeltism]

nnnnnnnnno i'm crying to love songs again fuck

[redxblueihateloveyou]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime, books, movies or tv series)? Thanks....

Holy shit that is such a tough question haha. I was really like trying to remember all the stuff I've read and watched ever and my brain short circuted for a moment lol this is in no particular order and from original sources (no offense to any adaptations, even if I like them).

Richard Cypher (I mean Terry Goodkind's 12+4 books), Cara (/Kara, also from there), Wu Xie (DMBJ), Zhang Qiling (DMBJ), Lan Zhan (MDZS), Stiles Stilinski (Teen Wolf), Akashi Seijuro (KNB), Natsume Takashi (Natsume Yuujinchou), Haruka Nanase (Free!), Steve Rogers (you know that one xD).

Fun fact, not to be dramatic or anything, but I really want to say special thanks for Richard & Wu Xie. The way they go about life in general and their incredible trait of finding ways out of seemingly impossible situations without falling into depression and genuinely finding joy in tiny things in some godforsaken ugly ass situations, their adventures and way of thinking got me through some of the toughest shit of my short but hella weird life. Like I've been raised good ofc and got exteremely lucky with my family and I'm saying it without trying to make anyone go like "oh poor you" (I mean you know I never share anything here, I genuinely feel like that won't help anyone really, nor me focusing on that also here, nor anyone with their own problems reading this, thats why I just take breaks and come back when I can), but things of last years like... packing medical document while there's blood everywhere cause my elder sister almost cut off her tongue and dad is in shock, mom in the hospital with internal stomach bleeding, my weird spine operation where doctors for some reason refused to even answer what it was, camping in the hospital while little sister close to diabetic coma at age of 5, putting my cat to sleep bc of the painful neck cancer, grandpa dying twice in one day, finding weird bump in my chest and for 2 months of awful tests thinking "oh hell that might be it" fairly recently... etc lol (I'm not even counting like "world things" here).

I would go down if it wasn't for their way of thinking 😂. Like if I had other mentality, not enough brains and humor sometimes too and went wrong ways about these things, I would drown istg.

It's mostly from them I got all the whining and pitying yourself isn't an option, don't focus on the bad no matter how bad it is find a solution instead, always be happy about you have right now, don't blame anything on others and don't think anyone owes you anything, the first person who can help you is you, those who love you most important what others think doesn't matter, no matter how bad it is move your butt, idiots be idiots move on (esp thoughts of 6th SOT book and Restart is what keeps me breathing when I genuinely think that I won't be able to survive the pure idiocity of the crowd and be like its okay), if you truly can't change anything and did everything possible then just adapt to that and learn how to thrive with what you got etc.

Richard was there for me for a while (like 7 years or smth I think), Wu Xie came recently (but already been tremendous help to me haha). I just think if if wasn't for these series, I'd for sure be sitting somewhere pitying myself about how "life is unfair" instead of being happy. And thats a gift really.

I know half of it coming from the fact that there were times my family didn't have much, so its probably why I can be so happy with so little, but finding positivite things in some complete ass is for sure coming from these guys haha. I remember first time Richard pulled off this thing with anderith ppl my jaw was literally on the floor, I was so impressed with this book, I really was like "I wanna be like that" lmao. It was like... stripped of fucking everything, forced to be surrounded by most idiotic brain-washed haters (they were also extra religious.. which is a special pain for a person like me), separated from the dying and suffering love of your life, just the whole absolute horrid of the whole situation (I can't even describe it, but Istg it was painful to read for me, I was so pissed, I was reading like " jfc how is he even gathering himself? I wouldn't be able to handle even 2 mins of that"), but he not only fucking found ways without even teeny tiny histeric, he managed to come out a fucking winner too. I'm still to this day don't think any character ever shook me like that. And I've read and watched TOO much stuff.

I mean, with recent events also, last weeks I don't even wanna start on what we did and what happened and what ppl around me got like about many things. If it wasn't for Wu Xie's life motto I'd be along with many into the pit of "why", instead of actually you know.. doing things you gotta do. So they hold a special place in my heart in their own way, where you go like "oh damn this fiction character changed my life" not just cause they're your type and certain traits that attract you, you know lmao ;)

[xiaq]

I've had a really, really, bad day. Is there any chance you can give me a sneak peak of the next Way Down We Go chapter? Something happy? No worries if not but I thought it was worht a try!

I’m so sorry you’re having a bad day. But yes, I can do that! Warning! (happy) spoilers (involving declarations of love in the rain) ahead:

“What the fuck!” Draco yells, not really with a purpose or because he expects a response, but he’s given to understand that yelling at the sky in the middle of a cornfield is a time-honored tradition of drunk southern teenagers.

“What the fuck!?” he says again, purely because it’d felt rather good the first time.

“Is there a reason you’re shouting at the sky?” Harry asks and Draco manages to trip while standing still.

“Where the hell have you been?” Draco says once he’s upright again.

“London, mostly. Your mother sent me a letter this morning saying you’d gone missing. She was worried.”

“So you just assumed I’d be here?”

“I was right, wasn’t I?”

Draco doesn’t dignify that with a response.

Harry rocks back on his heels, hands in his pockets. He glances around at their surroundings, then tips his head up to consider the dark clouds.

“So,” he says, “About the yelling at the sky thing?”

“I can yell at you instead, if you’d prefer.”

Harry sighs. “I’m sorry. I know it was a shit thing to do, but I thought it was for the best. You didn’t need me anymore and I thought—I thought I was doing the right thing. Making it easy for you.”

“Making what easy for me?”

“Leaving me,” Harry says. And then he flinches, like maybe he hadn’t meant to be that honest.

There’s mist beading on the lapels of his jacket and dusting his curls and it’s truely unfair, really, that the man looks so damp and earnest. 

“What on earth made you think I wanted to leave you? If you would have just asked—”

“You never gave me a token,” Harry interrupts, so low Draco hardly hears it.

“I—what?”

“With the whole. Courting. Thing. I read up on it. And if the person being courted accepts the snake and wants to show their returned commitment, they’re supposed to give a token in return. Something important from their childhood. It’s, I dunno, symbolic or something. But you never gave me anything.”

Draco feels like his head is going to explode. 

“I didn’t—we weren’t courting! You didn’t give Lyra to me as a courting gift! You didn’t give her to me as a gift at all. We just…randomly started coparenting her.”

“But. We had that conversation. In your mom’s kitchen.”

It takes Draco a moment to discern what, exactly, Harry is talking about.

This is the man he’s chosen to love.

Draco despairs.

“We didn’t have a conversation, Potter. My mother pointed out that snakes were often a courting gift and then you looked at me.”

Harry has the decency to look sheepish.

He glances up at the sky as the mist turns into actual rain.

“Should we go inside?”

“No,” Draco says, mostly just to be contrary but also because he lives for the shouted-declarations-in-the-rain trope and this may be his only change to experience one.

“Well, alright,” Harry says, hunching his shoulders,“But in the rain? honestly?

“I have an immune system again, I may as well revel in it.”

“I knew I shouldn’t have let you watch Pride and Prejudice.”

“Clearly you aught to watch it again,” Draco sniffs.

“Right,” Harry says. “Yeah. I probably should because if that’s the standard, I’m probably going to do this next bit wrong.”

“Next bit?” Draco asks

“Er,” Harry says. “So. I’m in love with you.  And I feel like now is the time to tell you.”

Draco says nothing for several seconds.

“Now? No, Potter. Now is not the time. The time would have been weeks ago. The time would have been when I was in your bed and your clothes or—or after you saved my life instead of leaving me alone in the hospital and then disappearing without a word to me.”

“Yeah,” Harry says. “And I’ve just apologized for that.”

“Badly,” Draco mutters.

“Are you going to argue with me or are you actually going to respond to the fact that I just said I’m in love with you?” Harry asks. And there’s water dripping from his hair and collecting in his eyelashes and settling in the dip beneath his throat. “Because I am,” he continues. “In love with you. And I know I shouldn’t be, and I’ve tried not to be. But you’re you and you’re—well, you’re not perfect—”

Draco lets out an offended noise.

“But Merlin, I don’t think I’d want you to be perfect. Because all the things that infuriate me about you are still—you. I suppose. I don’t know what I’m trying to say but just. I’m tired of pretending I don’t love you. So. I’m just going to love you now, if that’s alright.”

Draco swallows.

Draco clears his throat.

“Yes, well. It’s come to my attention,” he says, aiming for lofty and falling far short. “That I may, possibly, love you as well.”

“It’s come to your attention,” Harry says.

“Yes.”

“You pompous bastard.”

“Potter. This is the most romantic moment of my life and up until this point you have done an admirable job of not fucking it up entirely. Do try not to ruin things, now.”

[sor-vette]

two, down!! (index/description)

☜ one, strike!!

☞ three, an all-out fight club!!

It was the middle of February. The month of perpetual grey and rain. It tapped against the small cubic window of your bedroom as you laid in bed reading the text.

Erik: "Meeting, you and me. Main building. Now! Wear something without any blood on it. 😘"

The phone falls out of your hands and smacks you in the middle of the nose.

"Ow."

***

You already see Erik in the distance. A bright red shirt flowing around him like a drape in the frequent bursts of wind. Across the river, he looks like a will-o'-the-wisp and you can't help but be increasingly apprehensive about what has he planned.

You get off the bus in the middle of the bridge, stop and glare at the circular high rise. Legally known as Bighit - an independent advisory firm for various claims, to the large variety of your clientele it was BH - vigilante made business. Briefly put a vast clockface with thousands of cogs spinning both on the own and tandem with others. It looked and sounded and you knew it to be an imposing organization. Nevertheless, you entertained the idea of how would this company would fall and could it be possible to burn down all the spider webs it has formed in the now 22 years of its existence.

"Good morning!" Erik beams widely, trembling in the wind. His pirate shirt not doing anything to help the situation. In his hands, there is a thick brown folder. The sight of it begins a gnawing motion in the stomach.

"What are you doing?" you ask suspiciously, studying his face for any giveaway. Which of course there were a lot. He was still young both in the field and age. The little runt was mostly brazen, often impolite and careless. But now, now, he was nervous. Maybe it wasn't even the weather that had him shaking like a leaf.

"Oh, I'm taking my enrollment review today. In 20 minutes to be precise."

What was gnawing had turned into a stone that travelled up, ignoring the gravity, and settled deep in your chest pressing down and creating a hole. A horrible numb feeling that you'd hoped you wouldn't feel again. And again. And again. And now once more.

"Oh."

You take a moment to force your voice to remain unfazed but even to your own ears, it sounds too hoarse and slow.

"Don't you need my referral?"

"I asked Olga." Yes. Olga. That's why you didn't know.

"So let's go up?" if Erik had a tail it would wag at lighting speed. He is not just nervous but positively jittery. You had seen him this happy...never. Yeah, this was the first time. When he would officially enrol in another department, at best giving you a clap on the back for all the trouble caused and moved on. In a week he would give you a distant wave, in a month maybe a nod if you passed by in a hallway, in half a year it'll be like you never even existed.

You nod quietly entering the glass doors. BH was a massive, subtly hidden maze, much like the overall organization. By the schematics and the layout, no one would give a second thought that it would be more than just an ordinary office firm. But of course, what they didn't know and what was a closely guarded secret were the literal hundreds of small alcoves and passes hidden within the walls. Meant for in case of a sudden police raid. Not to mention the literal escape tunnel that stretched underneath the river you just passed. No one knew exactly how it looked like or how it was even built. Some said it was an abandoned underground transit system from WW2, others said that it was built in the early years of the BH establishment having cost literal billions. But no one knew the truth. Even Namjoon had shrugged when you asked him, long ago already.

In silence, you both take the escalator upwards. To the 25th floor, a.k.a. the 7th department - the literal heads of the system. The building usually had hundreds of people running from one place to another but even so, this was a large commotion for an event this small.

In the doorways there stands a tall woman and you nearly bite your tongue off at the sight of her ramrod back.

"Petsch." You growl and Erik beside you throws a surprised glance.

She turns around almost immediately. As if hearing you or just sensing your presence like the ill-bred Cerberus that she was.

"Hello, .̴̭͙̪̻̈́.̸̮̟̳̐͆͘͠.̶͚̉͛.̸̺̞̉͐̈́̐͋.̶̟̻̺̽͛̒̚.̷̗̱̃.̶̮͚̼̾͜͜.̷͉̋̈́̐̔͝.̵͖͛̓͆.̷̼̲̥̙͆̊̊͝͝.̸̢͕̔.̸̜̜̲͈̅͜͠.̵̱̤̆̑͘.̸͖̰̣͈̾̊̈́́́ " Her glee is almost maniacal as she power walks towards your little group.

"Deputy Petsch. How wonderful to grace our Earthly realm with your presence. I did wonder why it looked like the skies were weeping."

"It's Chief of Staff now," she corrects getting even closer, "to no one's surprise I've been promoted while you've been demoted."

"Yes, I can see the stress of the new position. Or is that just your face?"

In the corner of your eye, you can see Erik standing completely still, his head darting from one speaker to another bemused.

"As the Chief of Staff, I'm here to evaluate your...pet." Erik gives a silent wave and Rosaline narrows her eyes, most likely not knowing what to make of him.

"What happened to Michael?" Petsch scoffs at your question.

"He retired to live with his family so much so for living a dignified life." You straighten stubbornly at the newly given information. Erik's hands are still lightly trembling, along with the file in his hand.

"Interesting. I will attempt corporation." You push out through gritted teeth but immediately get one of Rosaline's bony vulture fingers thrust in your face.

"Don't even try to sweet talk me!"

In return, you snap your fingers near her outstretched hand. A gesture you would normally never do but it was Rosaline. Anything but an abnormal reaction could ward off this lietonis off your neck. (a/n)

"I tried to be peaceful. Well then. Let's. Begin." She huffs and puffs and then stalks over to the lecture hall, her tight blonde ponytail swinging like the world's most obnoxious metronome.

Erik stands silently for a few short moments before -

"The fuck was that about?" You hide your face in the palm of your hand. If Rosaline was here for the panel review then this little fucker had no idea what was coming.

"Rosaline and I have what you would call an uncivil work relationship."

"A rivalry?"

"No, a rivalry with another woman would be inherently attractive. Rosaline just...sucks the lifeforce out of me like a goddamn Dementor." Erik chuckles at the sight of your displeasure but a quiet bell coming from within the lecture hall stills him again.

"Please all attendees take your seat! We're about to start soon!" A faceless voice calls over the crowd and the unpleasant feeling that Petsch managed to eradicate away for a moment returns worse than ever. Your own hands begin to mutely tremble. Erik looks close to passing out.

"You're going to be fine." You say gently bumping into him, "you're my trainee after all."

***

Oh, he's going to be not fine at all.

For some reason, the hall is literally stuffed with attendees.

The enrollment panel reviews despite the name, yes, was actually an open doors event. Much like an undergrad presenting a thesis it had a panel of judges and a crowd of listeners. Usually, it was limited to other potential interviewees who wanted to get a sneak peek in the twisted action to come but the number of people was 5 if not 10 times more audience than what you've ever been in.

Truth be told you never knew how friendly Erik was with other departments but even if he was a magnet surely this crowd was too massive.

With a rapidly rising anxiety, you start to pick out familiar faces. Some of them your trainees and previous teammates, some who gave you a stink eye, and then some with whom you didn't want to interact.

On the third row there sits Jungkook and sweet Jesus what were they feeding him in the footsoldier department. He was now almost twice as large as he had been when you last saw him. One tap of those arms and you'd be in an automatic knockout. Behind him sits Jimin, also looking confused as to why he's here. Which is somehow even more offputting considering he's the one who decided to be here. In the back rows, there is Jin, face hidden in his hands, large sunglasses pushed atop of his head. The only reason why you recognize him at all is that those very sunglasses had "JIN" in large letters above the rim. Naturally.

At this point, your insides are just a gaping screaming void of pure social terror as you start to suspect they were all here. While scanning the crowd you notice an orange fleck that is surrounded by a gaggle of students who eagerly listen to every falling word. That would be Hope. And far closer to the seat that you wanted to take sits V. For reasons unknown he was perched in the first row, fiddling with the strap of the camera. The last thing you want is to meet that vitriolic, judgmental stare of his but it would be unfair to Eric to sit anywhere else. The supervisor, even the one who had no idea that the review was taking place and did not actually write the referral, always sat in the front. The little scamp should have at least that.

You sit down stiffly with your hands bunched up in fists and shoulders tightened to the point where it was almost painful. V pretends he doesn't recognize you. You turn around once again to look over the crowd, almost meeting Jungkook's gaze but he suddenly finds his shoes to be the most captivating image in the world. Jin nearly takes off his jaw while ducking below the chair line and Hope is still surrounded by his devoted students. Jimin is persistent in looking disoriented.

In the faraway upper back, behind the fifteen rows of cascading seats, there is a second door. Slightly ajar and leading to complete darkness but you can swear there is a hand holding the doors open. For a moment you wonder who would hide away in a dark side room only to silently observe everyone but then you know exactly who. Yoongi. You whip around so fast the chair makes a loud squeak. In the peripheral vision, you make out a movement from V but he turns back to the camera without a second thought.

No, Erik was in deep trouble. The panel of judges or should you say evaluators was much too high standing for the first time enrolment. Rosaline Petsch's choice of coming here could be attributed to her being a harpy. Sure. Namjoon, although a CEO was known to just arrive at small scale events, to fully support his staff and also fully give them untreatable heart conditions. But the following had no place being here: Rhys Bethany, the key speaker of yesterday's anniversary and the head of Internal Affairs. Rahul Singh, chief of Communications. Tamira Johnson, head of International Affairs. Shen Qiongzi, head of Large Operations management. And two others whom you didn't even recognize. These were some of the biggest names of the entire organization and also the most bewildering. Strictly speaking, none of them had any input on the hiring or the enrolment process. The matters far, far below their usual duties.

Why were they here? Had Namjoon invited them? Why would he? Because he was still angry at you and was punishing Erik for it? He wouldn't do that but would he? Were you being narcissistic for thinking it had anything to do with you??

Whatever the answer was, hearing the last bell ring and seeing Erik, suddenly look very small and scared climbing up on the stage without even the protection of his notes folder... You felt a lot like seeing a crowd of shrikes encircle one mouse. You squeeze the handles of your chair, rocking back and forth with anxiety.

"As part of your legal right, what would be Your prefered choice of name for the course of this review?" You hear Ms Johnson speak. Erik picks up the microphone to speak...

....not a sound comes out of his mouth. You cringe.

"My real one, ma'am," he finally manages to croak after a moment of silence that was perhaps too long to be unnoticeable.

"Thank you. We will begin the first part of the enrolment request review for Erik Genyer."

You blanch at her words. The first part... meaning that what is about to happen was an actual full, point by point review and not the shortened version that came into popularity in recent years. The review would last three hours and it was three hours of ruthless questioning.

You grip the handles even tighter.

***

Erik fares surprisingly well. After the initial shock, he starts to melt into well-rounded answers. After the five minute pause in between the two parts, he even starts to subtly lean into humouring the panel, offering sarcastic, unhelpful comments. Truly one you could call your own.

Your heart is in continuing thunder as it beats harder with each given situation and particularly hard question. At this point, you have tossed and turned and quietly whined at every to the degree that it is noticeable to everyone in the room. And that in itself pushes to a worrying realization that Erik had somehow managed to slither his unholy way into your heart and become not just a trainee under your care but a friend. Like a proper friend. A friend that would leave you in literally the span of 10 minutes.

Namjoon who was eerily silent for most of the hearing, providing only two softball questions, had noticed your flighty twitching and leaned back to glance at you. You look at the ground knowing that you were perhaps not in the right mindset to put on a facade of your somewhat trademarked blasé attitude.

For God's sakes, you were not even this nervous in your own review but then again you had resigned yourself to the bottom of the barrel. Erik was not.

Finally, he passes the third part of the review. He had taken a few hits, all of which delivered by Petsch, but overall came out with impressive results. Two things were left to unfold. The panel would ask him what was his preferred choice of the department and then either allow it or politely indicate his skills would be more useful in another department and refer him there.

"Mr Genyer do you have a specific department choice?" Mr Singh asks politely. He'd been a tough but fair reviewer nevertheless it was always Namjoon who asked this question. Why was he so quiet? What was the point of showing up if he was going to be silent?

"I have." Erik answers and you see a smile form in his mouth. It was his bastard smile. Eerily similar to the picture of the cat surrounded by knives. You've seen that expression many times, mostly when he was breaths away from pissing off a lot of people.

"And what would that be, sir?"

"The cleaner department."

....

....

....

Not a single person breathes. Not a sound is made. The panel has gone speechless. You think your heart has stopped entirely.

"I'm sorry, do you mind repeating that?"

Erik couldn't look smugger as everyone stared at him.

"I'd like to work in the cleaner department."

The second time he says it causes an uproar. People actually stand up in the back. You hear a crunch to your side. Tae dropped his camera on the ground. There's so much noise you can't even decipher what is being said. Vaguely you maybe hear Jin's loud ass "what?" but that also could be literally anyone else.

The panel has to turn around and repeatedly shush the crowd. It is not an easy task. You just stare at Erik, mouth dropped open, eyes bugging out and he gives a self-satisfied smirk.

"I promise tomorrow you’ll have reparations."

These were the reparations. As the crowd finally eases back you let out a breath, lungs screaming for oxygen. Hadn't even noticed the lack of breathing process.

"Why would you choose a cleaner department?" It is finally Namjoon's turn to speak but he too sounds astounded all the way to outer space.

"It is a lowly position." So low in fact, they were not in the count of departments. Hence the status of 0 out of 7. You're hit with another realization. "Aspiring 0". The one Erik had placed in his Instagram bio. It was not zero aspirations that you thought he meant, no he was aspiring to be 0. And suddenly it makes sense. Him being such a little pain in the ass, always sneaking off, taking cases well above his position, taking yesterday's case in fact. All to rank up and enter the review faster. You don't even know how to function with this information.

"Why would you choose the cleaner department?" There was only one person who had chosen the cleaner department. A year ago. You. But even back then the choice was between quitting altogether or becoming part of the 0.

"The cleaner department is as hard-working and as essential as any other position in the organization." He shrugs.

"Yes, but why choose it?" Ms Shen pursues. You can hear it in her voice that she simply cannot comprehend why would anyone choose to work there. Honestly neither can you.

"I like it there. The cleaner department has the friendliest, most genuine and accepting people I've met among all departments. Also, I've had the most supportive, protective mentor anyone could wish for. I've never been more inspired to both be myself and improve forward as I have under their tutelage and I hope that by working in the cleaner department I can repay them for the faith they had and hopefully continue to have in me."

His request is approved and after a quiet "review ended" Erik is officially given the position of the evidence removal department.

***

The crowd is restless. There's not a soul that's not debating outside the room. Everyone huddled up together. What Erik did today would go down in the history of the company. Right next to your name.

Briefly, you encounter Petsch who throws something snide in your direction but you brush past her without a second thought. Finally, you find that stupid red shirt, snuggled against the window. You break out in a sprint and smack him in the middle of the chest.

"OW!"

"Why would you do that?" You yell. Why are you yelling? You don't know. You're happy. Literally so happy. Erik begins to laugh, kinda nerdily as he is snorting a bit like a pig.

"You should have seen your face! Oh, man, I wish I had my camera with me! Oh, a picture truly is worth more than a thousand words."

"You idiot! I trained you," you deliver a smack "so you could," a smack, "have a better life!" Erik's smile doesn't falter for a second.

"What's better? It's a shithole here anyways. So they pay me more in other departments. The money I'd spend on therapy for working there would still decimate my pay into non-existence."

You stop hitting him as something dangerous bubbles up your throat. The hole in the chest filled. No, not that, he will never let me live if I do, you think to yourself.

"Are you actually crying?" Erik giggles his expression turning somewhat strange.

"No."

You do end up crying. After taking you to Omelas where surprise, surprise, your inner circle of other cleaners and Irina were waiting. Diego was already rolling on the floor with Liz trying to pull him up in a somewhat vertically inclined position. J.D. giving a quiet, appreciative nod and S - Jo along with Byun screaming their lungs out in some kind of celebratory song. You can't even tell which language they are screaming in.

Olga looks at the scene with mild amusement. If you'd had become a little bit like an unwilling older sister to this little horde of gremlins then Olga was like everyone's collective mom. How many of your messes and mood swings had she endured? You couldn't even count but you remember how badly you were afraid of disappointing her. And if Erik felt even the half of that...

It was then and after two bottles of vodka that you started sobbing. But just a little bit. After all, you hadn't cried in a while and if there was a better place to cry it was among this little makeshift family.

***

(a/n: lietonis, more commonly known as lietuvēns is a spirit from my country's folklore that is rumoured to strangle people and animals in their sleep. Basically something like a sleep paralysis demon.)

[revchainsaw]

Nausicaa and the Valley of the Wind (1984)

Prayers and Salutations Cult Members! I am your mysterious minister Reverend Chainsaw and this is another nights revival service at the Cult Film Tent Revival. I bring you a special word tonight. Tonight's word is about a person who roamed the earth, in a time where people were backward and warlike. A leader emerged into a kingdom full of eschatological expectation. This leader came preaching peace, and was killed for the sins of the world, but was resurrected. In that resurrection a new hope was brought to the planet, and true healing through the power of love in the face of violence is made possible. I am talking of course about Princess Nausicaa from the Valley of the Wind.

The Message

Nausicaa and the Valley of the Wind is the film that put studio Ghibli and Hayoa Miyazaki on the map. No animated feature this grandiose and epic had been achieved by 1984, as much as Disney may beg to differ. The tale may be simple, and it may feel super 80s to us today, but Nausicaa is a masterpiece, and the fact that Howl's Moving Castle is brought up alongside Princess Mononoke and Spirited Away more often than Nausicaa is a farce and a tragedy.

The film takes place on a fantastic planet that seems to have suffered the ravages of an apocalyptic war. A war that involved gigantic warriors with powers so devastating they about made the entire planet inhospitable if not uninhabitable; save for a few areas. The fall out of this ancient war has left the earth in a state of repair, where the natural processes of a planet healing has creating giant toxic jungles.

Beyond these jungles lie two imperialistic factions, they seem almost to be city-states but it's not terribly clear. The Kingdom of Tolmekia, a militaristic proto-fascist society of almost Spartan sensibilities. Tolmekia is governed by the ambitious and cynical Princess Kushana, But I like to call her Furiosa. Just like Furiosa, Kushana is physically missing parts of herself, a visual metaphor for her metaphysical lacking and the parts of her humanity she has cut away. Kushana's world view is one of fear, a fear that can only be quelled by waging a genocidal campaign against her enemies.

Speaking of enemies, the Athens to Tolmekias Sparta would be the Pejite Kingdom. The Pejites might like to view themselves as simply responding to Tolmekian aggression, but the narrative of the film, and the story told quite visibly on the body of Kushana, is quite different. The Pejites are just as bloodthirsty if not more palettable in their approach, but like the Tolmekians, they believe only their own lives have any value. And thus, in this theatre of war, a Giant Warrior from the ages before is unearthed by the Pejite Kingdom, Stolen by the Tolmekians, before the forces of nature themselves, seem to conspire to drop the Giant Warriors "egg" right into the Valley of the Wind.

The Valley of the Wind is populated like the world of Avatar the Last Airbender, that is mostly of children and the elderly. The people of the Valley have been able to remain untouched by the ravages of war and the toxic jungles of the damaged world primarily due to geographic luck that's explained in minor exposition in the film. They are ruled by a King, and they are all deeply enamored by their beloved Princess Nausicaa.

Nausicaa is a gentle soul. She is kind to animals, she is empathetic, unreasonably patient, and bears pain and grief inflicted on her out of cruelty with a saintly understanding. She really is a thinly veiled Christ figure, scratch that. There is no veil. But she's also my favorite Christ figure. She does not preach a message, as much as she tries to save everyone from their own short sighted goals. She is not perfect, she does lash out and do some fantasy sword fight murder, but she regrets her actions so deeply that it seems to have played a part in motivating her to become even more compassionate and patient with the evils of the world.

Nausicaa discovers yet another plot by the Pejites, who are afraid of the possibility of the Tolmekians awakening the Giant Warrior, to use animal cruelty to enrage a group of almost invincible giant insects known as the Ohm. By luring the Ohm into the Valley of the Wind where the Tolmekians have become an occupying force, they hope to completely wipe out everything that threatens them. The Tolmekians DO awaken the Giant Warrior and pure pandemonium ensues. Nausicaa manages to save the Baby Ohm and calm the rage of the bloodthirsty Ohm swarm, and to defeat the warlike tendencies of both the Pejites and the Tolmekians. All the while fulfilling a prophecy fortold about a messianic savior figure called the Man in Blue.

Now that you have heard the Gospel of Nausicaa, please stand to receive The Benediction.

Best Character: Half a Person

Now that I've spent the better part of this review gushing about our Lord and savior Nausicaa. I have to admit, she's at times a bit too perfect, a bit too saccharin. Even her flaw, or her one weakness and her failing to be perfect, just adds to the perfection. I can't even say she never makes mistakes cuz she made one, and that's infuriating. It's even more infuriating that I still think she's a great character. Normally this kind of thing really kills a hero. Most Chosen Ones are the most boring and least likeable characters in their narratives. I don't know how Nausicaa avoids this trap, but she does. I'll have to do some meditating on that.

However, just like in your typical Chosen One fantasy narrative, the hero is a lot less fun than the villain. I'm going to say the best character in Nausicaa is Kushana. I want to be like Nausicaa, but I don't understand her. She's almost alien, even though we learn all about her. Kushana is mysterious, secretive, and enigmatic, yet I understand her. She barely has an arc, she doesn't really change. She's cold and cynical to the bone, but I don't need to see much of her situation to completely understand why she is the way she is. I usually hate totalitarian bad guys, but Kushana I like. Sue Me.

Also fun fact, did you that Nausicaa means 'Sinker of Ships'. That's kinda fun.

Best Scene: Spoiled for Choice

I'm going to be lazy and say take your pick. There is really not a bad seen in this movie. If the action isn't going, then there's intriguing dialogue. If there's no dialogue then you may be about to get hit with a forceful burst of whimsy. There's horror, there's swordfights and aerial dogfights. The only thing in Nausicaa I don't like to see, is the bloody tortured Ohm Baby. It's like a god damned Sarah Mclachlan commercial.

Best Creature: Foxy Shazam!

The Ohm are so simplistic yet so detailed. The number of eyes is alien, but the way they are used is expertly expressive. Who'd think you could get me to love what basically amounts to a silverfish with the intensity that I love a kitten. How did Miyazaki pull an Okja with a creature that should be haunting our dreams? I don't know.

And what about the Giant Warrior! If you are an Evangelion fan then you probably already know that Hideaki Anno designed and animated the melting goopy biomechanical beast. Surely a sight that would make both H.R. Giger and Clive Barker giddy with excitement. Just the image of the silhouettes marching amidst the desolation of the old world is burned into my brain.

So which of these is the best creature from Ghibli's first outing? It's fucking Teto. It was always gonna be Teto you idiot. Just look at Teto, he's adorable. He's too cute to exist. I'm so alone. I need a pet.

Best Character Design: Tolmekian Regalia

I originally included this category to talk some about Kushana, however, at that time I also thought I was going to say Nausicaa was the best character. I thought hard about deleting it, but I think it's a different category and you can't accuse me of playing favorites because my favorite character is clearly Teto. Just to keep it simple. It's the two costume shift from full military regalia in white and gold, to the one metal arm, warrior princess get up. It's a great costume and a great look. Get on this shit cosplay nerds. It's great for Cons in Canada, you have to think about layers, and you can't keep going as Mr. Plow. It's lazy.

Best Excuse to Talk About Patrick Stewart's Character: Lord Yupa

I just realized that I was about to write this whole review without talking about Lord Yupa. Lord Yupa is a sword saint and all around badass I think a lot of entertainment, especially in the west is lacking bad ass old men. Lord Yupa particularly shines in the early half of the film as a warrior and as a wise council to Nausicaa. If she's Jesus then Yupa is John the Baptist. He is also voiced by the elegant and eloquent Patrick Stewart. He also comes with 2 chocobos!

Worst Character: For Whom Asbel Tolls

This might also be the worst actor category as well. Actual Cannibal (haha meme) and actual monster (haha real life) Shia Labeouf doesn't so much act in the role as he read the lines and it was recorded. The good news it doesn't effect the film too much because Asbel is completely forgettable. He is a catalyst to some of the action, but besides that I don't really care for him.

Worst Aspect: To Be Fair ...

It would be unfair to completely ignore anything negative about Nausicaa. I have already mentioned in many places that there are some pretty corny, or pretty predictable tropes to this movie. But what I can't capture in words is exactly why it feels fresh when it's done in this movie. I suppose that's what makes it good. It's just so good that it's weak points are lifted up by it's strengths. Some people may bored of Nausicaa's unyielding goodness, or that she very rarely chooses to take action as much as she chases and pleads with her surroundings, but I mean, she does pay for that eventually. It's a fantasy story and it hits a lot of timeless themes that have been hit in stories for as long as human beings have been telling stories. Some people may feel that it doesn't do enough to stand out.

Summary

I have defined the S tier for myself as "near perfect and personal favorite" films. I like to think that Nausicaa and the Valley of the Wind is near perfect. Some may say that it looks like it might just be a personal favorite. In the case of Nausicaa, I'm having a very hard time telling the difference. I think it would be overly simple to claim that Nausicaa is just an ancient archetypal heroes journey with an 80s anime coat of paint. I think it's doing quite a few new and interesting things with that formula, those things are just playing out all around that narrative as opposed to being at it's center. For a first full length outing by the studio, you can really see Miyazaki's heart and the values he holds close to. I'll repeat myself so that we are completely clear on the matter. I think Nausicaa and the Valley of the Wind is a near perfect movie.

Overall Grade: S

[lost-your-memory]

How about a really lost Kara? Because all she can think of is Cat and what will be her reaction about what happened? I've been waiting for Kara to break down cos of all this.

Alright now, that is not exactly what you asked but I think I’m totally bitter about the whole CatCo disaster and Cat’s absence … It shows. Thanks for the prompt, lovely ♥

The looks she receives are a strange mixture of pity and cruelty and she’s being honest, she understands. She did betray CatCo. when she blogged that article and even the fact that it was the right call doesn’t make her feel better.It’s a walk of shame all the way to her office and her heart breaks when she sees the box full of her personal items, put atop the corner of the desk she had finally earned, after months of struggles and conflicts between her and her grumpy, snappy boss. There’s a picture atop of it, a family picture of herself with the Danvers, when she was young and when everything was still easier than today despite the discovering and taming of super powers.She asks, for good measure, even though she knows the answer. “You’re firing me?”She understands everything he’s saying and she can see, underneath the anger and bitterness he’s throwing at her, that he’s wounded. The disappointment is clear in his narrowed eyes and etched across his annoyed scowl but when he actually says he was rooting for her, it makes her very soul bleed.It resounds deeply in her and she can remember someone else who was waiting for her to rise to the occasion. She swallows thickly, fights the tears back and takes her box without another word.She knows Snapper is right to fire her but it doesn’t make it easier to accept.She’s fired from CatCo.After surviving as Cat’s personal assistant for more than two years, it’s Snapper Carr who ushers her out after barely a few months of being a reporter. Short lived promotion, she thinks as she steps into the elevator.Eve is already in there and she doesn’t say anything but Kara welcomes the pumpkin latte that’s being held in front of her. James’s assistant walks her out of the building and it’s only then that she says something.“For what it’s worth and it’s not much, you did the right thing. I know it doesn’t help right now but it was … it was the right call, Kara.” She says with a sad smile.Eve Tessmacher was very clever, underneath that strangely naive look and high-pitched voice. Kara chose her for that reason, it reminded her of when she first got here.Bittersweet memories.“Thanks Eve. Keep an eye on James and don’t let him neglect CatCo, okay? Goodbye, Eve.” She forces a smile and then turns around.—She wants to tell Alex what’s going on but her sister doesn’t talk to her outside of the DEO. They’re always fighting lately and they can’t seem to find their balance back. Kara doesn’t know why but somehow, she wants to blame Maggie. It’s unfair, it’s petty and it’s totally wrong but she feels lost and confused and sad.She’s always sad lately.Even when Mon-El barges in her apartment with that annoying smile he thinks is irresistible. He’s her boyfriend, or so he calls himself that, and she feels forced to make some efforts but it’s just pointless and she can already see the end of that relationship. She’s sad because she misses everyone, all those people who used to be there no matter what, the one she would die for.Winn is busy with his new girlfriend and she realizes she never even met the girl.Alex, giving her the cold shoulder.J’onn, probably feeling caught between her and Alex and trying to navigate between those sensitives feelings, is acting as normal as he can but she still feels awkward around him. Illegitimate, if she can put it that way.Lucy Lane returned to the Army and she’s somewhere in the world, fighting for what she believes in. Kara finds that she misses the younger Lane’s fresh mind and blunt honesty.James is putting some distance between them, even after they tried to call a truce. She did notice he wasn’t at CatCo as often as he should and Cat would be so mad at him if she knew.Cat.Cat Grant, gone diving into the unknown and leaving a thriving empire and a broken heart behind her. Cat never reached out to her, aside from a warm but distant email to congratulate her on her first byline. It was lined with some bittersweet comments about how convenient it was that Supergirl was an official source of Kara Danvers but nonetheless, it had been their only contact since Cat’s dreadful leave of absence.Kara feels incredibly sad and lonely.—Days go by, one by one. It turns into weeks and then months and Kara doesn’t hear from Cat.She’s working for an online newspaper now, a popular and pretty high-ranked one and she’s making more money than when she was working at CatCo but she doesn’t like it. She doesn’t like the loneliness of the internet and the lack of social interaction with coworkers and a boss.Alex and her are working through their issues. It’s slow but it’s working and they’re finding some balance again, finally. Maggie helped and Kara’s forever grateful to her for that.Her break-up with Mon-El had been messy and pretty bad but then he had been taken away by some strange people claiming he was the rightful heir of Daxam and that he belonged with his people. Some daxamites survivors escaped the doomed planet and colonized another one, making it Daxam 2.0 and Kara almost killed Mon-El when he told him that, before he left with his newfound people. She didn’t have anyone left of her original world aside from Superman but even he grew up on earth so truly, she was the last of her kind and when Mon-El dangled all those facts about his world on front of her, she’s lost her temper and used heat-vision on him.He’s gone now, she thinks, sipping at some strong, so very strong, alcohol she’s ordered.The alien bar is quiet and almost empty. Maggie is helping around as a bartender because apparently, the place is always short of people to fill the position. Alex is sat across the table and looking at her with something like understanding gleaming in her eyes.“Still missing your infamous Miss Grant, I see.” Kara doesn’t even try to hide it. She’s talked to Alex about the fact she was missing her old boss but it was mostly Maggie, who had opened her eyes about that big, big and hopeless crush she was still carrying around, even after all those months without seeing Cat.“Yeah. I know for a fact she’s aware that I’ve been fired, Eve apparently got an earful about how James didn’t do his job because he let this happen. I still don’t understand why she called about everyone but me but well. Cat Grant is not exactly know to be predictable.” She says and her tone is bitter.“Maybe … Maybe you should reach out to her?” It’s not the first time Alex suggests this but Kara shakes her head no. She’s lost, she’s sad, she’s mad but she’s also proud. She refuses to cave.“Then stop acting so miserable, Kara. Either you act on it or you let it go and you move on.” Alex says and her look is cutting, clear and straight to the point. Kara knows she’s tired of that attitude but she can’t really help it. She’s not happy, not the least bit.“Yeah. I’ll try.” She says, hoping that will get her sister off her back. It works but the look Alex gives her says it’s only for now. Maggie swings by and drops their orders on the table, kisses Alex on the mouth and walks away to serve other customers. She’s comfortable and smiling and Kara sees the smile that graces Alex’s lips.She’s a little jealous of that pure, unaltered happiness.—“Danvers. You can have your job back, if you want it.”Kara blinks but her face stays perfectly composed and she simply stares at Snapper.It’s been almost two years since she last saw the man and he’s the same old grumpy reporter he was back then, with only more wrinkles on his face and some more weight on his body. He looks annoyed but she knows it’s just a facade. She’s learned how to read him when she was working for him, not that it really helped her anyway.“No.” She simply says.She doesn’t know why she’s accepted the interview that came through email a few days ago but now that she’s sat across her former boss, she can see why it’s a waste of time.She’s working for CatCo.’s biggest competitor now and she’s rising fast, there are talks about her being the new Lois Lane of her generation. She likes the comparison but only because it’s probably making Cat cringes, somewhere in the world.For a second, Snapper looks actually surprised but then, the unthinkable happens.He smiles.A wide, genuine smile and he simply says “You’re good Danvers. You’ll go places, I have no doubt. You’ve already started anyway.”She shrugs and then asks “Someone told you to offer me my old job back, you don’t want me in your team and it shows. That’s okay because I actually like my new job. My boss trust me.”Snapper grins and then waves, she’s being dismissed. She stands up and goes to leave the office but then she turns around and asks “Who asked you to do that?”He gives her a look and she can practically read the name in his narrowed, annoyed eyes.It’s obvious and she knew the answer before asking, he knows it too.She doesn’t even dignify it and she goes away.This time, she leaves CatCo. with a spring in her steps and a lighter heart because she knows she won’t ever come back.And she’s fine with that.