#it makes me genuinely so suicidal that I won’t see Penelope again

[cozytruecrimeaddict]

I Think I Need Help (Hotch x OC) pt 4

I am SO sorry for the 5-7 days this took. I fell deep into a watching hole of criminal minds and I also didn't feel motivated to write. 

I’m thinking of adding in a bit of drama, and maybe something to draw out someones feelings a bit more *hint, hint*

Anyways, I’m back and this chapter is lighter than most on the warnings but here we go~

WARNINGS FOR: regular CM violence, cheating, suicide ideation, self harm

The next morning, I woke up with a pounding headache. I haven’t even had any alcohol, yet I feel like I had too much. I also remembered Aaron, his kiss. How he felt pressed to me like that, how I wanted more. But, Haley and Jack. He loves them both so much. I can’t take that from him, I really can’t. I just wish I wasn’t so selfish. Sitting here, thinking about his lips on mine. He probably went home right after anyways, and he’s probably just going to transfer me to some other department or fire me. I guess it’s better anyways, break off the any attachments from my friends now, and I’d be completely free to do as I please. 

Just do it now. Leave your stuff at the office, and disappear. 

I just might. I don’t have to end my existence here, I can just get on a train and go somewhere else. I don’t even have to stay in the states. I can go anywhere else in the world. They’d never find me. Hell, after how much we profile, I can make myself go away. Leave my IDs and credit cards behind. Clear out my accounts, and just disappear. Anything in my name would be left here. 

I went out into the hallway, determined to get some coffee and work out some details into a disappearing act, when I bumped straight into..

“Aaron?”

“Sam, are you doing okay?”

He looked terrible. Like he hadn’t slept at all.

“I’m… fine?” I was actually feeling better than I ever have. I felt pressure around my shoulders and he hugged me to him. 

“I am so so so sorry about last night. I shouldn’t have…”

“Aaron…”

“I’m serious, I shouldn’t have told you how I felt. I shouldn’t have… I should have waited, let you work out everything you’re going through. I’d understand if you hated me.” I saw on my hall table the key to my place I gave him. 

“How do you not hate me?” I was genuinely curious.

“Why would I? Sam, I..”

“Don’t say it!” I rushed out. If he was going to say he loved me, I wasn’t ready for that. 

“You’re shaking.” He grabbed my hands to steady me. 

“Do you want some coffee, we can talk?” I directed him to the kitchen and put a coffee pod in my Keurig. I handed him the first mug, and pointed to the fridge for cream. I started my own, making it more cream and sugar than coffee myself. I went to take a sip, and noticed I couldn’t hold my mug steady, and put it back on the table. Aaron reached across, placing his hand on mine.

“Look, Aaron. I’m giving you an out. I really care about you. A lot.” Even if I’m just someone you have to worry about “You have Haley and Jack to worry about. You don’t want to add me into that mix. I have a lot more messed up with me than you know. I’ll only disappoint you in the end. No matter how much I hate letting you go,  you might be better off.”

In response to everything, Aaron came around the table and pulled me to my feet. I felt the gentle tug of him pulling me to him. My heart was pounding in my ears. I didn’t think I’d ever need this. I need him. 

I felt it again, his soft lips touch mine. This spark of electricity jolted through me. I shouldn’t want this, but I do. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and it felt like we were made to be kissing like this. Aarons arms pressed my slender waist to him, holding me tight.

I leaned back just a bit, balancing on my kitchen table, when Aarons arms moved lower and he lifted me up so I was sitting on the table. I gasped, and I felt him smile into our kiss. No matter what happened after this, I just know I needed more. 

After a few minutes, we separated for air. I tried to untangle myself from Aaron, but he held my hands, resting his forehead on my own. 

“That… was…” I was breathless. I was screwed. 

Aaron kissed my forehead and stepped away from me. 

“We… we should get ready for work.” He helped me off my table, and I walked him to the door. 

“Aaron…”

“Sam.” He smiled at me.

“I’m…” should I at least tell him the truth. He was looking at me, a mix of concern and happiness on his face. I took a deep breath to steady myself, just a bit.

“I may not be fine, but I promise, I will be.” 

He leaned down and kissed me again.

“I’ll see you at work. Thank you for being honest with me.”

A few weeks went by. I was following the same routine. Nightly makeout sessions with Aaron either on my couch, or in his office after hours. I’d go home, and cut into my flesh. I was starting to find any reason I could to just dig into my skin again. Like that I would be scarred up, or the fact that I became a side chick, and if Haley found out, it would surely break up his marriage. Or just that I’m selfish. 

In the time I was adjusting too, we had quite a few shakeups to our team. Gideon left, leaving Reid pretty upset. We gained a new girl on the team, who quickly became close to JJ, Penelope and me. Oh and Dave Rossi came out of retirement and joined our team. 

Then out of nowhere, Aaron pulled away from me. He stopped coming over and talking to me at work. Everyone noticed the shift. He was talking a lot more to Rossi than anyone else. When we went over cases he wouldn’t look at me. 

I had given up hope that we would ever be the same again. After a few days of this, the thoughts that I was able to block out by being with him came back. 

Then one night, we were on a plane back from a pretty difficult case. We couldn’t find a kidnapped child fast enough, and we were only minutes too late. I went to make some tea and Spencer followed me back. 

“Hey, you okay?”

“Fine, Spence.” I didn’t even look at him. 

“You and Hotch aren’t talking anymore. You went from coming back to normal to being moody and depressed. I didn’t say anything before but…” He grabbed my arm, and held it to him tight. 

“Don’t.” I whispered.

“Deny it, please.” He whispered back. I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t lie to him. My eyes watered, tears threatening to spill. He slid my sweaters sleeve back, revealing cut after cut.  His grip loosened. 

“Sam.” He said. Holding my arm tight. 

“I told you not too…” 

At that I felt him tug me to him and hug me. 

“Please… tell me… talk to me.” 

“Why, so you can have them take my job away from me? Its all I have left.” 

“Walk with me after we land. I can’t promise you I won’t talk to Hotch, but I can promise you I’d listen.

He let go of me completely, and we went back to sitting on the couch. I don’t know when it happened, or why, but for the first time in a long time, I let myself drift off to sleep. I let myself sleep in Spencers lap. Before I completely blacked out from exhaustion, I felt his hand petting my hair, and saw Hotch look pretty annoyed at the two of us. Well, his loss. I’ll deal with my feelings for him when we land and work on keeping Spencer quiet. No matter the cost. 

[goliath-de-senfina-sango]

Danny had just finished dealing with one problem when a sort of old problem reared it's ugly head and made itself a priority.   For once, he may have to deal with a supernatural entity the same way any Fenton traditionally would.

trigger warning for suicide mention and school shooting mention

“Uh, well, I know a way I can help.”  Danny smiled, rubbing the back of his head.  “Sorry for making that wish without asking your permission but I have a feeling you’ll like this one.”

“I’m certain.”  Desiree sighed and turned to fly away, but Danny couldn’t just let her go like that.  People made wishes haphazardly all the time, and interpretation was a horrible thing to mix magick into.

“I wish that you were free of the curse that was laid on you.”  She froze, turning to stare at him with wide red eyes.  Pink and green light gathered around her fingertips and she raised her hands.

“So you have wished it… so shall it be.”  A cloud of smoke enveloped her like a cocoon, and Danny squinted into it.  A wave of force exploded from the cloud and all the booths shook with the energy released, Danny being knocked to the ground.  When he looked up, Desiree was blue-skinned, her silver armbands violet and her dress a dark green.  Eyes like stars looked down upon her new form, bottom half still a cloud of wispy mist, and she slowly began to smile and laugh.  “I’m… free?  I’m free!  Thank you, Danny, thank you so much!”  She flicked her hand, pink and blue ripples of light fixing up the cotton candy explosion and even setting Danny on his feet properly.  “I had thought I’d never be free of that wretched curse!”

“No problem!  Just, if you can avoid it, please don’t go hurting anyone?”  She arched a brow at him and Danny winced.  “I mean, I’m kind of trying to keep everyone, ghosts and humans alike, safe in my town, you know?”

“I cannot promise not to hurt anyone but I won’t be staying in this Realm for long.”  Desiree smiled, a sharp and dangerous baring of teeth and a gaze fixed on something far beyond them that Danny felt pity for.  “After all, I have to find the fool who did this to me and show him how it feels.  And then, I’ll return to my own realm, and a queendom of my own shall be mine!”  She laughed, lights and swirls of colors that his brain had no way of making sense of dancing around her, and throughout the park.  After a moment, she sighed and patted his head.  “Thank you, Danny.  Stay safe.”  And in a swirl of pink that might not have actually been pink, she was gone.

Danny took a moment to feel all warm and tingly inside about how he helped someone so easily, and then he let everything slide past him and through him, flying into the ground and then back up under the table.  The cold of his ghost curled back up into a ball somewhere within him and his skin regained its color and warmth, the world settling back into a thin extreme indigo lense.  He crawled out from under the table cloth and found Tucker, staring at where he had been, and tackled him.  They tumbled to the ground with a yelp from Tucker and Danny laughed, rolling away from the zap of the belt.  “Dude, Desiree is a Jinni!  I wished for a dick and now I have magickally transitioned.”

“Don’t let my being crushed into the ground by you fool ya, I’m genuinely overjoyed for you about that.”  Tucker lifted his head and laughed, deactivating the Specter Deflector before dragging Danny into a hug in the grass.  The hug lasted longer than he felt this deserved, even if he was over the moon about it.  It was also tighter than it should be, and Tucker’s gold was streaked with all kinds of wild blurples, marshons and even some grick.

“Dude, are you alright?”  Danny patted Tucker’s back when he just squeezed tighter and sighed.  “Ok.  We can do this, but like, we’re gonna get stepped on.”  Tucker relented, finally, and they got up, dusting the dirt and grass from their clothes before Danny was hugged, again.  “Tuck?”

“I… we need to talk, with the others too.”  Well, this promised to be interesting at least.  A good distraction from what happened before, hopefully.

It was not, in fact, a good distraction from the shapeshifter that had essentially murdered him (Sam was not the cause, no matter what she probably thought, and he needed to tell her that at some point, she deserved to hear it).  No, instead Danny, Sydney and through the skype call Sam listened to Tucker tell them about how he’d wished that Danny hadn’t gone into the portal and apparently all hell broke loose from that.  On one hand, it was almost freeing to know that even if Danny hadn’t caved to peer pressure like an idiot, the portal still would’ve been wrong when it turned on.  It ached to know that if he hadn’t died in there, his sister would’ve died out here.

But the burning in Danny’s soul was nothing, apparently, compared to Sydney.  “Wait, Tucker, did you say, Spectra?  As in Penelope Spectra?”  Oh boy, Danny knew that tone and he didn’t like it.

“Yes…” Tucker backed up a bit, while Danny shifted to stand in front of him, hand in his pocket.  “She’s the guidance counselor at Casp-”

Sydney glitched, glitched hard.  His features stretched, twisted, overlapped before settling on the image of a corpse, blood dripping from his mouth and the back of his skull as he hissed fury that made the skype call lag and crackle with static.  “Penelope Spectra should be dead like the rest of us!  I- show me a picture of her.  Now!”

“Ok, ok,” Tucker said, pulling up a picture from the school’s website.  “There’s surely plenty of people with that name, Sydney, no need to freak out.”

Except, he did.  When they pulled up the image of a ginger woman with hair done up in what looked almost like horns and a red business suit, the air around Sydney shone with green and his eyes were pits of red light.  “THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!  NO ONE CAN SURVIVE A BULLET TO THE HEAD LIKE THAT!  I SURE AS HELL DIDN’T AND NEITHER DID ANY OF THE OTHER BULLIES LIKE HER!”

Tucker, slowly, exited the browser and reactivated his Specter Deflector™ while Danny gently tugged Sydney back from the screen.  It stung, the dark reddish colors radiating off Sydney like heat, anger that wasn’t his own boiling in his chest.  Danny took a slow, deep breath, and when he breathed out he pushed the anger out of him with it.  “Breathe with me, Syd.  Can you do that?”

“I’m dead buster.”

“Yeah, and you don’t need to breathe, but can you?”  The glitching slowed ever so slightly, and Danny brought his energy as close to the surface as he could while still human.   “In and out, c’mon.  In,” the heat receded, concentrated, burned darker for it.  “Out.”  It dissipated in waves, ripples of static on his screens and Tucker grabbed the laptop to keep the current from ruining it.  They did that, breathing, for a while until Sydney looked less like a floating corpse and more like a monochrome translucent image.  He rubbed his arms and looked away while Danny turned to lock eyes with Tucker.  Tucker was busily typing away on the laptop now that nothing was interfering with the wifi signal.  “Tuck?”

“It’s a good thing Sydney stays away from the school,” he muttered, Sam snorting over the line.  “Is it possible for an unagitated ghost to have some color and look like a human being?”

“Uh, not that I know about.”  Danny glanced at Sydney and gave him a pat on the back.  “Syd?”

“I-I don’t know… I’ve been a bit stuck, on the other side you know?”  Sydney was becoming fuzzier at the edges and Danny sighed when he realized the other boy was invisible.  “Maybe someone else would know.”

“Right,” Tucker drawled.  “Syd, do you wanna come with us to go ask Agatha about this?  If we’re dealing with a well-hidden ghost, then I wanna make sure you two are on top of your game.  A hearty meal, or I guess a ghouly meal, is essential for any fight.”

Sydney at least flickered back into something easier on the eyes if not fully there, and he chuckled.  “Uh, maybe?  Who’s Agatha?”

“Agatha Reece,” Sam said over the call, pausing to cough into her arm.  “She’s the ghost of a lunch lady at Casper.”  Sydney’s white eyes went wider than humanly possible, a touch of sepia seeping into his greyscale.

“Ah, you know what, I think I’ll just head out and go see some sights.  I’m sure you two don’t need me to help you grab a snack.”  With that, Sydney flew through Tucker’s ceiling, and Danny leaned back in his chair, a heavy sigh on his lips.  It felt like a lot of pressure just rose off of his chest, though there another pressure entirely coming from his swirling thoughts.

“It’s a damn good thing I got Sydney out of the school before he actually saw Dash doing the shit I ranted to him about.”  They all laughed at that, and Danny felt a bit lighter still.  “Though, I imagine school’d be pretty interesting without him.”

“Yeah, we could actually walk around without worrying about getting shoved into a locker.”  Tucker stretched his limbs out, and Danny felt an ache in his joints just at the reminder.  “What a stereotype.”

“As much as I’m glad to cheer on the virtues of Jazz’s therapy sessions with Sydney,” Sam cut in with a shaky, light laugh of her own.  “We still need to figure this Spectra thing out.”

“I’m looking her up and while she’s not stupid enough to use the same name over and over again, her picture is sorta everywhere over the past five decades,” Tucker muttered.  Danny got up and rested his chin on Tucker’s shoulder, taking in the image of a barely, if at all, changing face go throughout the ages back to the 50s.  “Cause if she’s a ghost, she’s gotta be using a lot of energy to keep looking like that.”

“That’s if she’s a ghost,” Sam said.  There was a long moment of quiet after that, and Sam went off-screen, grabbing some book that looked older than Spectra.  “Guys, you just said a Jinni flew off to get revenge on a ghost, how do we know there aren’t other things out there.”

“Mom and Dad have been to other places before…” Danny felt his hand slipping out of reality as the realization hit him like a football to the face.  “They’ve made so many windows to other places and then if a drone could survive going in, they went in, and then Jazz and I went in with them.  Holy shit, what if there was stuff in there we just couldn’t see?”

“What did Sydney and Agatha call the other side?”  Sam sniffled.  “The Infinite Realms?  There’s probably a whole lot of things that Spectra could be.”

“Based on this track record of depression, she’s either a shitty psychologist who doesn’t get how the human mind works, or she’s fucking up people’s lives on purpose.”  Tucker shifted so Danny could see the news article that he was looking at better.  “That’s a lot of people who went from average mental states to killing themselves, or going into self-isolation.”

“Maybe she likes ruining people’s lives,” Sam muttered.  “There’s plenty of legends and myths about things that like to do that.  Danny, have your parents made anything that might help reveal a supernatural being hiding as a human?”

“I… maybe?  I’ll have to check, I haven’t been paying attention to their weapons or anything lately.”  He had been actively avoiding anything offensive that his parents made besides the plasma rifle he had.  He wasn’t looking to have things go off on him, after all.  “Tuck, you check with Agatha about what Spectra might be and I’ll head home, see what Mom and Dad have worked on.  Sam, you see if you can find anything on, I dunno, emotional vampires or straight-up assholes who love ruining lives in folklore.”

“Can do, captain, but there’s a lot of the latter in every kind of story.”  Sam offered a wave before ending the call and Danny sighed, sagging in his chair.

“Look at you, takin charge like a hero.”  Tucker hugged him again, and Danny leaned into his side.

“Yeah.  Let’s hope I can keep being a hero.”

[maddiereviews]

Riverdale - Season 1, Episode 5

At Thorn Hill, the Blossom family are preparing for Jason’s memorial service. Penelope finds Cheryl sleeping in Jason’s room, after Cheryl has a nightmare about Jason. She chastises her daughter and says she won’t be giving a eulogy at the memorial, because she runs the risk of embarrassing her family. It seems to me that Cheryl’s mum is just as awful as Betty’s. Both the Blossom and Cooper matriarchs are not nice people.

Archie has set up a punching bag in his room that he’s practising making hits on. Fred is worried about his son. He insists he’s doing it for a chance at making captain of the football team in the hope it’ll get him a scholarship to study music, but Fred doesn’t seem too convinced. I’m not either, it seems like he’s still upset about the fact that Ms Grundy aka Jennifer Gibson was forced to leave town.

At Riverdale High, Kevin Keller is setting up a replica of his dad’s murder board. He says they still haven’t found who trashed the initial one, as there were no fingerprints. Trev Brown, Valerie’s brother, passes by to check with Betty that they’re still on for their date. Jughead and Kevin tease her, but Betty insists it’s an intelligence gathering.

Meanwhile, Archie is practising football. Coach Clayton doesn’t think his performance is up to standard, and in the locker room tells he and Reggie that it’ll be between them for captaincy of the team. Reggie seems thrilled about the competition, but Archie isn’t so enthusiastic.

At Pop’s, Fred comes in to pick up his order from Hermione. He asks her on a date, but she reminds them that they’re both still married. He is confused, wondering what the drive-in was if not a date. Of course, this was when Hermione needed a cover to meet up with the leader of the Southside Serpents, not that Fred’s aware of this.

Veronica teases Betty about her upcoming date with Trev, and asks Archie what he’s been up to after Ms Grundy. Valerie sits beside Archie and gives him the number of a music mentor who might be able to coach Archie. Cheryl approaches the group with invitations to Jason’s memorial, being particularly nasty to Veronica and telling her not to steal the silver. Veronica pursues Cheryl, saying she doesn’t want to be Cheryl’s enemy. Cheryl invites her to a sleepover the night before Jason’s memorial.

Archie meets with the music mentor, Oscar Castillo to discuss his music. Oscar seems disapproving of Archie’s commitments and believes he should be more dedicated to music. He says he teaches song writing and wants Archie to write out his music on sheets.

The Blossom family tell the sheriff that they’ve invited everyone who could be a suspect in Jason’s murder to the family. Cheryl approaches, displeased that that’s the reason everyone’s been invited and accusing her mother of being manipulative and heartless.

At Pop’s, Betty and Trev are discussing Jason, as Trev was on the water polo team with him. Trev says a few weeks into dating Polly, Jason began to act strangely and started selling his things and dealing drugs. It seems that there are a lot of mysteries surrounding Jason.

Archie and Valerie are practising music when they’re interrupted by Fred, who clearly seems to suspect there might be something going on between the two of them.

Betty talks to her dad Hal about Polly. He tells her about the time that Polly tried to commit suicide, just after she and Jason had had a massive fight. She later tells Jughead that Hal urged her not to call Polly, as after Jason’s death she got worse again. Jughead mulls on why a rich kid would sell things, wondering if he was running away from his parents or drug dealers. They decide to use the memorial as an excuse to investigate Jason’s room for clues as to why he might’ve tried to run away.

Archie sprains his wrist while practising football. Reggie seems concerned and tells him that he shouldn’t keep playing if he’s injured, but Archie ignores him. I’m glad that we’re starting to see a slightly more caring side to Reggie rather than just the typical jock. After River Vixens practise, Veronica comes across Archie bandaging his hand and tells him to take more care of himself. She’s a little taken aback by the fact that he’s practising music with Valerie, but insists she thinks it’s a good thing. I love the teasing banter between the two, and how he calls her “Ronnie”.

Oscar tells Archie his sheets are sloppy and rushed, and that his songs are juvenile. He says he doesn’t think him mentoring Archie is going to work out, much to Archie’s chagrin.

Veronica is at a very tense dinner with the Blossom family, who are not exactly polite to her. Clifford says that Riverdale was founded on maple syrup production and suggests she should ask her dad about it. The conversation escalates when Penelope accuses Cheryl of rowing Jason to his death.

Hermione is closing up at Pop’s and is startled when she finds that someone has delivered a box. She opens it up to find a snake inside. She calls Fred, who gets rid of the snake. She admits to him that it was a message from the Southside Serpents, because Hiram still owes them money. She insists she doesn’t want to get Fred involved.

Veronica and Cheryl are going through old photo albums. Veronica asks why she was invited instead of Tina and Ginger, but Cheryl reminds her that Veronica was there for her when her friends weren’t. Veronica encourages Cheryl to speak at the memorial anyway, and Cheryl says her parents would kill her.

Archie offers Penelope Jason’s old football number, retiring it from the team so he can give it to Jason’s family. Penelope seems taken aback by him and says he looks so much like Jason. Betty sees her dad and Clifford talking quietly. Cheryl enters the memorial, wearing the white dress she had on when she last saw Jason. She admits that when they were young, Jason insisted they have a joint party because no one wanted to come to Cheryl’s. She breaks down against her brother’s coffin, and is comforted by Veronica. I’m really enjoying the friendship between these two girls and I hope it continues to develop.

Jughead and Betty snoop around in Jason’s room, but they’re caught by his grandmother Rose. She mistakes Betty for Polly, and asks where the Blossom family ring is as it’s missing from her finger, leading to the revelation that Polly and Jason were secretly engaged. Betty leaves the room in shock, Jughead following her.

Penelope is shouting at Cheryl for giving her speech. She tells Cheryl there will be no more River Vixens and that if she thought she could, she’d send her off to a boarding school. All of this is witnessed by Veronica. Although Cheryl hasn’t been to nice a character, I really sympathised with her this episode as we see more about her family. Her mother is awful to her.

Valerie and Archie talk at Pop’s. She tells him to forget what people are saying about his music and that if he wants to continue with it then he should, regardless of Oscar Castillo’s opinion. Why does Valerie want to help Archie so much? Is there some kind of ulterior motive, or is she really being genuine?

Betty confronts Hal and asks if he knew about Jason and Polly’s engagement, which he confirms that he was aware of. It comes out that their disapproval of Jason is because of the fact that Cheryl’s great-grandfather murdered Betty’s when they were partners in a maple syrup business. Betty chastises him for an old grudge over something that happened before he was even born.

Coach Clayton offers Archie the captaincy. Apparently this is because he believes Archie retiring Jason’s jersey was the right move. But he rejects it and says that the coach should give it to Reggie instead. I’m really hoping that Reggie and Archie can become good friends.

Jughead and Betty correctly suspect that Hal, who wasn’t at the drive-in on closing night, was the one who broke in and stole the sheriff’s evidence from his murder board. Jughead says they need to talk to Polly. It’ll be really interesting to finally see Betty’s sister and see what she has to say.

4 out of 5 stars