#it makes their relationship feel a little skeevy in the film. which maybe it was always idk. but bj clearly adores him and im soft about it

[merrilark]

Okay, I need to stop spamming but aaahh 😭 BJ teasing Eddie just like Barry used to tease him. I'm gonna c r y !! I love 1 orange-haired boy

[salty-ironstrange-shipper]

May I has moar cherik fic recs please??

damn, y’all are GREEDY for cherik fics .... I, of course, have more, but damn

as usual, in order of shortest to longest

Brandished Steel, Wicked Rook

Words: 1,057

Rating: Explicit

Summary: Charles’ bare skin is awash in flame and darkness as he lies there, hair splayed over his forehead and eyes as black as crow feathers, glistening. His lips are bright and wet and red. And he says, in his red way, “All hail, Macbeth.”

AU in which Erik and Charles are Macbeth and "Lady" Macbeth, respectively.

Inspired by both the original play and the film version of Macbeth (2015) directed by Justin Kurzel.

Opinion: This is a weird one because it’s very short and not something I would usually read - but at the same time, the dynamic and writing style and reference makes it feel like it was written for me specifically. Macbeth is my favorite Shakespeare play by far, and Fassbender is very good in the 2015 film. This fic makes me wish it was 60,000 words. If at some point I actually finish my current WIPs, I might force myself to write a long cherik Macbeth AU, and it would be incredibly self-indulgent, smutty, and morally grey/dark. Because I deserve it.

Spark Me Up

Words: 3,007

Rating: Explicit

Summary: "This is Erik raw. This is Erik lost. This is Erik looking at Charles like he is the only piece of wreckage in a vast ocean. The only star in the sky.

And such a look does things to Charles."

After ten years, they are both starving for each other.

Opinion: This one’s a little different. After years in solitary confinement (taking place in Days of Future Past), Erik is very touch-starved and he and Charles ..... get to touching. 

Erik is asexual in this fic and tagged as such, so if asexual characters participating is sexual acts is off-putting to you, maybe give this one a skip.

Never a Place

Words: 3,047

Rating: Teen and Up 

Summary: It takes some getting used to. Charles hasn’t seen Erik cheerful, actually cheerful without a homicidal intent of some sort in a very long time—perhaps never.

Or. Charles takes Erik up on his offer while trying to process everything. Erik is remarkably patient until he isn't.

Opinion: Erik and Charles in Genosha post-Dark Phoenix! Very cute!

You, you, you are what I want

Words: 4,803

Rating: Explicit 

Summary: "Erik was so sure Charles was interested in him as well that whenever the telepath backed away from him it felt extremely confusing."

Opinion: Got some trans!Charles Xavier and Erik being smitten. Always a good combo.

On a Beach, With You

Words: 6,495

Rating: Explicit

Summary: Charles Xavier meets Erik Lehnsherr on a beach in Israel.

Opinion: Charles and Erik meet, fall in love, and get married in like, 2 weeks. It’s cute, it’s fun, it’s well-written, the smut is good, and you kind of think to yourself “yeah normally getting married after knowing each other for so little time is a bad idea, but damn if I don’t think these two can make it”. Definitely worth a read!

Emissary Requiring Interplanetary Cooperation

Words: 15,584

Rating: Explicit

Summary: Charles is drunkenly wandering home one night when he sees a bright light in a field. To his delight, the cause of the light is a gorgeous alien in the form of a man with the biggest dick he's ever seen.

Opinion: Incredibly fun and cracky smut. Enjoy. I know I did ;)

Made To Be Broken

Words: 18,220

Rating: Explicit 

Summary: Charles makes a New Year's Resolution: “No more straight men,” Charles repeated as he began scrolling through the apartment directory for Emma’s name. “No more futility. No more pointless hoping and heartbreak. In 2013, I never want to hear the words ‘exception,’ ‘experimenting’ or ‘phase.’ If, God forbid, I hear ‘bicurious’ even once, I may take a hostage.”

Then he goes into the party, and Erik is there.

Opinion: This is one of those fics you read on a whim one night when you have nothing to do, but keep coming back to weeks after you finish it because it’s so. Damn. Good. Well-written. Shockingly emotional. Smutty. Interesting discussion of relationships and sexuality. I got caught up rereading my favorite parts while making this list. I love this fic and you will too, or else. 

A Wedding Planner Walks Into a Bar

Words: 19,451

Rating: Explicit

Summary: When Raven hires Erik to be the bartender at her wedding, he becomes quickly infatuated with the wedding planner, Charles Xavier, who he thinks is her fiancé.

Opinion: This one’s fun. A bit more chill than some of the others. Plus you have the classic idiots-in-love-don’t-realize-it-because-of-a-misunderstanding-that-could-be-easily-solved-but-won’t-be. 

We’ll Show Them All

Words: 19,529

Rating: Teen and Up 

Summary: Pacific Rim AU. Ten years later, the monsters are back, and newly-instated Marshall Charles Xavier needs to pull a team together to prepare for the coming war. That means finding his talented sister a Drift-compatible copilot -- even if that turns out to be his old flame Erik.

Opinion: This is one of those things that reminds me I need to watch Pacific Rim. It’s good if you haven’t though, and I’m proof of that. Erik and Charles are so angsty here but so in love. Plus, Raven content! Love that for us.

Five Nights In Nuremberg 

Words: 26,138

Rating: Explicit 

Summary: When Charles escapes from the mutant prison he has been held in for the last two years he knows that he’s going to need help to avoid being recaptured.

What he doesn’t expect is that help will come in the form of a mysterious German man who rescues Charles and takes him to his home; a handsome stranger who, frustratingly, doesn’t speak a single word of English…

Opinion: This one has potentially triggering content in the form of mutant camps and discrimination. Approach with caution. Otherwise, it’s very good.

Appropriate Boundaries

Words: 33,346

Rating: Explicit

Summary: Charles has been having serious problems with back cramps in the year and a half since he's been in a wheelchair. His doctor prescribes massage therapy. But when Charles meets his masseur, Erik, in some ways they begin to heal each other. So how do you cross the boundaries between professional touch -- and the personal?

Opinion: Erik and canon disabled Charles navigating sex and a relationship. It’s cute! It’s hot! It’s fun! It’s well-characterized! It’s emotional! I’m running out of words to describe these fics, I mean I wouldn’t be reccing them if I didn’t think they were good- 

April

Words: 56,225

Rating: Explicit

Summary: In the sharp, unforgiving plains of the Canadian Arctic, Erik is since long adapted to solitude and silence. Separated from civilization, dedicated to nothing but his research, he has formed a life that suits him. There is nothing he would ever want to change. So, naturally, the arrival of grad student Charles Xavier upends everything Erik ever thought he wanted, for better or for worse.

Opinion: Charles and Erik basically locked in a shack together with no one else for human contact?????? Internalized issues and homophobia?????? Fluff and angst???????? Yes???????

Thou Shalt Not East Stones

Words: 77,422

Rating: Not Rated 

Summary: Two months after Washington, Raven found Erik in a skeevy motel off the Florida interstate.

“They have Charles, Erik,” she said.

The bedframe shrieked. In the bathroom, the showerhead snapped in half and clattered into the tub.

Opinion: This one’s got everything. Humans being dicks. Protective Erik. Hurt Charles, and pissed-off Charles. Trauma recovery. Rebuilding a relationship. Love. Pain. Everything.

That’s all folks! No one ask me for more until at least after New Years, or I swear to Magneto, I will PUNT YOU

[spaceorphan18]

do u think Kurt has ever had sex w anyone aside from Blaine? I sort of like the idea that he really took his dad’s word to heart and only attached sex to feelings, which is why it was so important to him in their relationship. Personally I don’t believe he had sex with Walter or Adam because of the body language he had around them. I don’t want it to be like “Kurt is a virgin saving himself for Blaine” but more like Blaine is the only one he’s ever felt deeply enough to have sex. thoughts?

I understand the sentiment of your feelings -- I do, because I was once there during the original run of the show.  And there’s nothing proving things one way or an other -- so, even after you’ve read what I have to say, if you feel differently, that’s perfectly fine and valid!  The text is pretty open to any kind of interpretation. 

Before I get into it, I want to discuss your comment: 

I don’t want it to be like “Kurt is a virgin saving himself for Blaine” but more like Blaine is the only one he’s ever felt deeply enough to have sex.

So, I want to start by saying when I was younger, I didn’t understand how people could just have sex with people they weren’t in love with.  Part of it is because my Mom was a lot like Burt, and gave me a talk very similarly to what Kurt receives in the show.  Part of it is, I’ve learned, is because I’m demisexual, and I’ve never felt the need to have casual sex.  But as I’ve gotten older, my views on this have changed a lot.  

I do believe that Blaine is the only one whom Kurt has had deep and meaningful sex, but Kurt having other sexual relationships and encounters is not at all a bad thing -- and can be quite healthy in his understanding of how relationships, and his own sexuality, work.  Now, I’d like to make clear that it’s fine whether you’ve had sex with a hundred people, or if you’ve had sex with no one -- your worth is not valued by the amount (or lack) of sexual partners you’ve had.   But what I am saying is that there’s nothing wrong with Kurt having other sexual partners, nor does it detract from the meaningfulness that finds in having sex with Blaine.  

So, let’s talk a second about Previously Unaired Christmas (yes, I know, I’d rather not, either, but it does have some valuable insight).  Kurt, in an attempt to feel better, makes the decision to get a little tipsy, and throw caution to the wind -- and in the process decides to hook up with Cody.  Now, pretending that he isn’t a skeevy conman who preys on minors, Kurt would have surely slept with Cody. And found... that casual sex can still feel good, but maybe it’s not for him because he does prefer the emotional connection his bond with Blaine brings.  

I don’t think the encounter with Cody needed to be a bad one. (My huge objection to this whole thing in the episode is that Cody is a really gross guy taking advantage of minors, and for that I’m glad he didn’t get that far with Kurt.)  I think as long as you have a healthy attitude towards sex and the idea of sex, that you can enjoy the pleasure of it even if it isn’t as emotionally satisfying as having sex with someone you love deeply.  And that’s okay!  Say this did happen with Kurt -- it doesn’t undermine the fact that Kurt is very much still in love with Blaine.  

FWIW - I did write a casual sexual relationship for Kurt in my fic With Every Broken Bone (set between seasons 5 and 6) for this reason -- so Kurt can have a positive sexual encounter who isn’t Blaine - where he comes out of it happy to have had the experience, but still very much in love with Blaine.  

Moving on... let’s talk about Adam! I’ve done a lot of talk about Adam, tbh, (you can find it in my meta tag!) so I’ll probably keep this short.  I think if Kurt was to sleep with Adam, it’d be after Boys and Girls on Film, after they go on that date.  I don’t think Kurt was there yet before, but there’s a definite possibility that after they see their movie, things progress.  But, as with the Cody example, I can easily see Kurt sleeping with Adam, and it not being bad, but not being great either, so he decides he’d rather sleep with his boyfriend pillow, Bruce instead of Adam (which, let’s be honest, is kinda funny).  

I do like the idea of Kurt sleeping with Adam -- because it gives him more experience, but also because it gives him another change to realize how valuable his relationship with Blaine is -- because it allows him to have something to compare to.  

Let’s talk about Walter... Now, I think the show goes out of its way to paint them as nonsexual -- mostly because that relationship keeps getting compared to Blaine’s very sexual relationship with Karofsky as a really chaste thing.  

But I’ve warmed considerably to the idea that Kurt slept with Walter.  So, here’s my thing -- at this point in his life, Kurt has a very different relationship with sex than when he did a few years earlier.  He and Blaine have now had a ton of sex.  Kurt knows what he likes and what he doesn’t, and we know that he really enjoys sex (and is very grupmy when he doesn’t get it).  I can see Kurt going into the thing with Walter being well aware that he just wants to have sex with an attractive older man and it doesn’t mean much other than feeling good.  

And that’s okay! Because Kurt knows he can easily walk away from it once Blaine becomes available again.  As Brittany has told him -- he shouldn’t just put his life on hold just because he’s waiting for he and Blaine to get back together, and part of his life is sex.  So, yeah, I can see him enjoying a casual, sexual relationship with Walter while waiting to get back with Blaine.  

So, those are my thoughts! My line of thinking, and maybe it’s just age that’s gotten me here, is that there’s no shame whatever your sexual history might be.  I do agree with Burt’s sentiment that you shouldn’t throw yourself around as a way to please other people, because it’s expected of you, or because you feel that’s the only way to receive love (Blaine tried that -- it didn’t work).  But having a healthy relationship with sex and your own sexual identity is a good thing! 

Whether you’re like Mercedes and want to only have sex with someone you’re going to marry, or whether you’re like Brittany and have fun having sex with everyone -- as long as you’re being safe, educated, and in a consenting situation, then what ever your sexual encounters are is fine!  I personally like the idea of Kurt exploring his sexual identity with other people because it helps inform his decision that Blaine is ultimately the person he wants to be with.  But the text is open, and if you interpret it differently, that’s cool, too.  :) 

[kalosian-writer]

Sweet Love Soiree 2k19: The Interview

Oh? It looks like a certain reporter may have snuck into the event, and isn’t pleased with all this skeevy press. Time to write a proper article on this mess.

Jules Saint-Michelle stands tucked away off to the side, adjusting her scarf. Except…her Furfrou isn’t by her side. Instead, a Hawlucha sits on her shoulders, head poking up from behind her own. After finishing with her scarf and a visible deep breath, she looks up-and her gaze falls on you. Despite her obvious tension, her eyes and smile are warm and inviting as she waves at you, beckoning you over.

Will you entertain a few of her questions?

--

Rules:

Repost, do not reblog, with a link back to the template.

Tag your post with ‘#ilwd2k19interviews’ so that everyone can see your answers.

To clear up some past confusion, please keep in mind that Jules is a writer for Lumiose Press, and not a television/Holocast reporter. This is especially important for this one because she means it when she wants privacy for this interview-there’s no film crew or anything.

Due to the residual drama from AHF, a little reminder that because Jules places a high value on integrity and confidentiality, your muse can absolutely request anonymity, or for something they say to be ‘off the record’ if they decide they don’t want something to be published (for example, some detail that only they might know). Just make sure you mention the request so other muns are aware.

Some of these are going to be repeat questions for the sake of character development and not honing in on the drama right away. New questions will be marked with a *.

These questions are open to anyone participating in the event! Some may be geared towards certain roles, like voting, but if you can find a way to change up the wording so it works for your muse, go for it!

You’re free to cut out questions if you want; this is just meant to be a fun thing.

As a side note, Jules is not currently in disguise as Mireille, but chances are that any other time your muse sees her during this event she will be in disguise. If these two similar women seem suspicious to your muse at all, you’re free to pursue that via thread or anything. As long as Jules gets a chance to do her freestyle I’m game for most stuff, maybe just run it by me first so I know.

--

“Before we start, I want to make one thing clear: I’m not here for rumor mills or sensationalism. I want my article to be a proper reflection of what’s going on. So please don’t try to feed me rumors as truth, alright?”

“Tell me a bit about yourself, mon ami(e). Is this your first competition, or if it’s not, how long have you been participating? Have you participated, specifically, in a Trainer Showcase before?”

“What sort of background do you come from-are you a trainer, a breeder, a coordinator, or perhaps something else? Do you see this giving you any advantage in the competition/as a voter/ect.?”

“What are your thoughts on the competition here today? It looks like we have quite a diverse cast of Pokémon fans present. Anyone you know? Rivals, perhaps?”

“How are you feeling about this showcase in general? Are you nervous at all?”

* “Were you here for the All Hallows Faire, or did you tune into that? If so, has that affected any of your choices going into this event?”

* (For AHF participants) “How have things changed for you since October? Has anything exciting happened?”

* (For contestants) “Which have you decided to do first: your Theme or your Freestyle? Why did you chose that order? Which do you feel more confident about?”

* (For contestants) Can you give us any hints about either of your performances? Without spoiling it, what do you think will make your entries stand out?”

(For contestants) “How did you chose the Pokémon partners you’ll be using in this competition? Are you trying to stick with the Valentine’s Day theme, or going with Pokémon that have experience competing?”

* “I know there was a lot of drama regarding scoring during the Derosier’s last event, to put it mildly. How do you think things will change now that there’s a second main judge? Are there any other changes you think should have been made for the sake of transparency or fairness?”

*-ish “It’s pretty clear from AHF that Ursula struggles with personal biases in judging. Does this raise any concerns for you? Or do you think that your/ the best performers’ talent(s) will shine through enough to keep you/them safe from any bribery-boosted scores?”

* “Speaking of, I know that Ursula brought Lotor on as a judge in hopes of leveling the playing field, so to speak. But that brings their own relationship into play. So…what do you think as them as a couple? And as judges, do you believe they’ll be able to judge independently of each other?”

* (For voters) “What are you looking for in contestant’s performances? What makes a Theme or Freestyle stand out as extraordinary in your eyes? If drama does erupt, do you have any thoughts on how you’ll keep yourself unbiased?”

* (For contestants and spectators) “Do you think more judges and voters in general will lead to more accurate, unbiased scores? Or are you worried about anyone playing favorites?”

* “What other changes do you hope have occurred since AHF that will make for an overall better Showcase experience, be it for performers, voters, or spectators?”

* “How would you describe the current atmosphere here, in light of these changes? Hopeful? Uncertain?”

“Is there anything else you’d like to say about this competition? I’m admittedly going to leave soon to get this article going, but I hope everything goes smoothly for you!”

* (Off the record) “Do you have any other thoughts about this event, or any suspicions? I’m not going to publish them since, like I said, I’m not one for rumors. But I personally want to know what I might want to be keeping an eye on in case things do happen. Have you seen or heard anything suspicious?”

Image source: [x]

[greyliliy]

You know what? It’s the end of the year. Let’s have a giant personal confessional I’ll probably regret later because I’m oversensitive and trying not to cry while reading this book.

But I haven’t been real with you guys in a while and I feel like getting it all out at once instead of putting it into a conversation with one person and burdening them with it, and who knows, maybe it’ll help someone younger who’s dealing with this stuff now.

So let’s get real & it’s under the cut if you wanna’ read it.

I’m reading a book called Torn by Justin Lee about being a gay christian growing up in the church and it’s sort of terrifying how easy it is to relate to (up to a point). Needless to say, it’s got me thinking about life, my own frustrations, and topics about sexuality that have been weighing particularly heavy on my mind this past year as I approach my mid 30′s.

The first part where he’s discussing that he realizes he’s not attracted to women and that fear that something’s broken in him, is a feeling I know that very, very well. And when he starts talking about how he started to notice guys instead, funny enough, that’s when I realized that I...didn’t experience that either, though I could still relate to his fear of admitting this to other people.

I can’t ever remember being sexually attracted to anyone, or at least I don’t think I have (it’s so hard to pinpoint what exactly sexual attraction is and the nightmare of figuring out if it’s happened or not--but then again, I feel like if I’d felt it, I probably wouldn’t be struggling to figure out if I had or not). I remember wanting to be around people, and to have relationships, but thinking back, I don’t think I experienced it the same way other teens did.

I mean, my first serious boyfriend dumped me because as he put it: "I think you just want to be friends.” Thinking back, I went out with him for a year and we never did anything more than hug, so I can see where he’s coming from.

At the time, I sure didn’t though. I really liked that boy. We went out on dates & did stuff for Valentines and I thought we were happy, but I never made any moves physically and neither did he  (at the time I was so happy we were on the same page, because I wasn’t ready, but I guess we weren’t as in sync as I thought) and well, I was informed later by a friend that getting dumped because I “just want to be friends” means “You didn’t put out, idiot, so he found a girl who would.” (They didn’t say the “idiot” part, but it was strongly implied by their tone).

I haven’t had a boyfriend since, because I realized that was part of dating and if I went out with boys they’d expect me to kiss and do things with them and I just...wasn’t ready for that. Dating became something I was terrified of; I couldn’t repeat that experience again. It wasn’t even until after college that I tried dating again, and I can count the number of them I’ve been on in my lifetime without using two hands.

I don’t think I realized it at the time, but I was a little repulsed by guys touching me. Girls were fine, boys not. I think it was a little switch in my brain going “Girl touches are platonic so they’re fine, boy ones have sexual meaning so it’s not.” that meant any time I boy touched me I panicked.

And then college hit.

I kinda knew people were having sex in high school but no one talked to me about it. There was this understanding that I had no clue about anything to do with that subject and they liked to keep it that way.

In hindsight, it hit me how much they teased me about it. I was that person who asked once at a friend’s house “How do lesbians have sex?” and they giggled “They scissor.” while miming the motion with their fingers - I didn’t get the joke and thought they were entirely serious and just accepted that answer and tried to picture how that would work. Imagine my face years later when I saw an episode of a certain show that that quote came from and I died a little inside because “Oh. They were making fun of me.”

(I also found out years later pretty much everyone I knew were all convinced I was a closeted lesbian and waiting for me to just come out already, which makes that confrontation all the worse, somehow.)

But if I wasn’t getting teased about how little I knew, they just didn’t talk about it at all.

College was an entirely different matter because I frankly couldn’t avoid the topic if I wanted to. It was in my health class (one of my gen ed. classes ended up being half Sex Ed.), it was in the free condoms they handed out, it was in my major classes (a film class I was in had a long segment that took up most of the semester titled “Sex in film” and I ended up seeing a lot of rated r films and sex scenes I had avoided in high school just because I tended to watch animated films & pg-13 ones more than anything), and well, college kids have a lot of sex, I discovered.

On my first day of  freshman introduction week I ended up in a guy’s dorm who already had a “women I’ve slept with” chart on the wall that already had tick marks on it (I was there for all of five seconds while the person I was visiting got his things and we got out; I never saw any of them again the rest of the year). 

Culture shock is an understatement.

And all of it made me uncomfortable. I didn’t get it. I didn’t get it in high school when people talked about wanting other people that way, and I sure as heck didn’t get it in college. But I had convinced myself one day I would. I kept thinking: “One day, I’m gonna meet that one guy that makes me feel all this sexual tension I keep hearing about and then we’ll date, and fall in love, and get married, and it’ll be great.” That’s what people kept telling me. “When you meet the one, you’ll know.”

(For the record, it still hasn’t happened, or if it did, it wasn’t over a boy and I’m in deep, soul crushing denial about it.)

I never did find that dating scene but instead, I discovered Boys Love (”Yaoi” at the time.) At first, it was a really guilty thing because I grew up Christian--and still am--(another relatable thing in this book I’m reading; the fear of your own church) and it was “Sinful” but...the stories and art were so good, and I felt bewitched. I remember reading FAKE and seeing how much they loved each other and I don’t know, it was just. Good.

And it was safe. I didn’t have to think about my sexuality when it was only boys on the page. I wasn’t an issue, or a topic, or had any part in it. I was reading about other people and it was fictional which meant it wasn’t real so I didn’t have to feel guilty trying to fantasize about real people (something that still makes me feel really skeevy.)

This went on for a few years and BL was pretty much the only thing I read/watched/did anything with. My roommates knew me as that obsessed BL fangirl and loved to tease me (but also encouraged it; my one male roommate in my senior year apartment expected my “couple of the day” picture posted to his door & bought me doujinshi as gifts. Thinking back, I’m blessed and grateful no one gave me a hard time about it).

I eventually discovered the more graphic, erotic side of BL and that was an experience, because I liked it.

A lot.

This is embarrassing to admit, but the first time reading a couple of those more graphic stories I felt different, and weird in my own skin, and kinda awkward (it freaked me out at the time). I described the exact symptoms to my friend in an IM because I was confused and she laughed at me: “You’re turned on, idiot.” (Again, the idiot was strongly implied but not straight out said. Not that I noticed at the time.)

It was like a bomb dropped. That was what people felt when they talked about getting hot and bothered. That’s what the people in high school and college were talking about when someone touched them. I had a point of reference.

And it hit me that thinking  about a living, breathing person had never made me feel that way. Not even close.

That was the first time I felt really broken.

And that was when I got desperate to fix it.

In 2007 all of those feelings exploded into an art project I called “Shout it Out.” (It is my one and only Daily Deviation to this day), and that project is the only reason I can share all of this with you right now. Because in 2007 I wrote down every guilty thought, every embarrassing fact, and every thing I was ashamed of & proud of and at this point, there’s not much I can tell you that can top it.

And maybe also, I read the description and realized I should follow my own advice: 

Someone told me once, that she believed we make life hard for ourselves by keeping things bottled up inside. Whether it be due to shame, embarrassment, fear, pride or some other emotion we don't share the things that are on our hearts like we should. We wallow in them and never realize that everyone else feels the same way. Our conflicts, our dreams, and the things that make us who we are should be free to be spoken out loud.

It was a big deal for me at the time, and sometimes I wonder where all that courage went. I don’t feel the same way as I did then on a lot of the topics, but at the time, that’s where my mind and heart were.

Over half of the text is related to sex. Reading it now, it sounds like I was a lustful, sex-crazed twenty-something who struggled to keep myself from jumping everyone (”I want to have sex so bad it hurts...” to quote one of the lines).

But the truth is, while I was obsessed with sex in media (manga, BL, romance novels, health sites,) learning everything I could, I’m learning more and more that how I experienced an obsession with sex wasn’t how many other people experience it.

I was obsessed with reading everything I could about sex because I was desperate to relate to some of it. I had fantasies about sex and myself because I kept thinking that maybe it’d click one day (and boy did I try thinking about a lot of different scenarios desperate to find myself attracted to anything). But many of those thoughts ended up forced or ineffective. I kept trying anyway.

I wanted to feel normal.

(Though that sort of failed too, since most of those fantasies ended up being about girls, and myself wasn’t necessarily involved in the picture.)

I remember desperately wanting to have sex because I thought if I did that then I’d suddenly have a light pop on in my brain that goes “This is why everyone else loves it! This is what I’m missing!” I’d have sex and then I’d be normal and feel attraction like everyone else does because I’d know what it feels like.

In the end, my strong conviction of “No sex until marriage” won out (For the record, I’m still basically of the philosophy that sex outside of committed relationships is a bad idea), but I kept reading smut.

So much in fact, that it became an addiction and it was all I looked at or did. It wasn’t a healthy place for me, and I’d rather not go into exact details, even if this has been a rather detailed sharing session. But I can say that it got so bad that I had to remove myself from the subject entirely at one point and pretty much cut myself off from the BL Community cold turkey. If it was digital, I deleted it. If it was a fanfic site, I stopped visiting. No anime. No manga. No doujinshi. No nothing. My physical media was shoved in the closet (that was a lot of money I wasn’t just going to throw out) and called it a day.

Heck, part of the reason I try to avoid a lot of erotica works is just because it reminds me of those bad times. (And the funny side effect that I read so much of it at one point that now it’s kinda boring because I’ve seen just about all of it).

But as I’m sure you’ve seen from my fanfiction and books, I slowly found a path of moderation. I’m re-reading my old BL books that I’m taking out of the closet and remembering why I loved these stories and art, and just coming to terms with myself in general that BL & straight romance novels might be the only way I’ll experience those sorts of feelings toward another person.

It’s probably why I like the genre so much, while I’m reading I can pretend, and that’s good enough for me. I can write romance without having experienced it and that’s a win in my book.

The truth is, I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that while I’d love a spouse of some sort and who knows, maybe something still might happen yet if there’s someone out there willing to be patient and wait, I can admit that I just don’t experience attraction to other people.

If I could go back to a young me, I’d tell myself to learn more when I’m younger so I didn’t feel so stupid when I was older.

I’d tell myself that it’s okay that I didn’t like anybody and that I didn’t have to feel obligated to find a boyfriend.

I’d tell myself that even if I’ll be struggling with trying to figure out myself and my feelings for the rest of my life, that it’ll be okay.

I’d tell myself that I’m not broken.

So on this last day of 2017, before I go back to reading my book and the rest of things I was going to do to day, I’m going to find a little bit of that courage I used to have in 2007 and just say now what I wish I’d known ten years ago.

I do also get the irony that I’ve sort of indirectly been admitting to it for a while now, but this is me saying it:

I’m asexual.

See you all next year, and now if you don’t mind: I’ve got books to read, random things to reblog, and a comic to draw.

[scruffyhappaboreherder]

Quoth @finnreyfridays​ in a post with TLJ spoilers after the jump (so if you’re on mobile and there is no jump, beware): We’d also like to extend the opportunity to those who have seen the movie to share their thoughts on Finnrey as it stands post-TLJ. All we ask is that you keep the ship-bashing to a minimum. Let us know what you think about the future of Finnrey.

There are also TLJ spoilers in this post, so again, if you’re on mobile and there is no jump, close your eyes and scroll for a bit.  In places I am ship-critical of things that aren’t Finnrey but I don’t think I’m doing any hating or bashing.

Also, I swear.  (Plus, these are first reactions.  I reserve the right to change my opinion.)

Part of me walked out of there thinking that I’d never been so happy to be a multi-shipper and a polyshipper before.  I said to @elizabethrobertajones​, who saw the movie about 24 hours before I did, that I was prepared to be philosophical about things.  Things being whether or not Finnrey went down in flames, or Rian Johnson doing things that made me walk out of the theater yelling “Fuck you, Rian Johnson, this is exactly the kind of bullshit I expected you to pull!”

(Side note: of Johnson’s previous work I have seen Looper, which I shrugged at, and Brick, which I turned off halfway through because I realized it just wasn’t doing anything for me, especially since I’d accidentally spoiled myself for the ending, and The Brothers Bloom, which I rather like despite some misgivings.  I’m not super-thrilled with the way he treats his female characters, as a rule.)

I’m sort of halfway to yelling “Fuck you, Rian Johnson” for the maybe-love triangle, maybe not.  We may be looking at a love quadrilateral, with or without diagonal bisectors.  (Forgive me if my geometry terminology is off.  It’s been a while.)

The first thing I saw: Rose kissing Finn and saying she loved him (duh).  Finn kissing her back, sort of, in a not unwilling but also dumbstruck and uncertain way that could suggest surprise or could suggest less than burning interest.  Also, Finn practically feeling her up when he pulled the blanket over her.  Whatever you make of that (and I thought it was a little skeevy, for which, to be clear, I blame the direction and not the character), he clearly cares about her.  Although, second thought: maybe he was patting the place where her necklace was.  Less skeevy, because that necklace symbolizes a lot of Rose’s good qualities: faith and loyalty and dedication and the ability to care.

I’ve always had reservations about Finn and Rose as a ship, just because a lot of the pre-release spoilers talked up how much she saw him as a hero, and seeing someone as a hero is not necessarily a good way to start a romantic relationship.  Especially if the hero then disappoints the hero-worshipper.  But at the end there is a basis for something between them, I think.

What I’ve been wanting to do for a while, though, was ship Finn and Rose and Rey.  I have a plot bunny I made myself sit on because I wanted to see Rose’s actual character.  She ended up stronger than I was expecting from pre-release comments.

The second thing I saw: Rey’s wistful glance at Finn and Rose.  Leia saw that too.  I saw Rey put aside her disappointment and decide to focus on rebuilding the Resistance/Rebellion.

I think they could be planning to go in one of several directions: Rose as false romantic lead.  Rose as actual romantic lead.  (These could be done with or without love triangle things in Ep IX.  Please, Space Mom, let it be without, or let it be a subtle thing, a matter of glances exchanged and not petty arguments.)  My pipe dream direction: there is no forced choice for Finn.  He either doesn’t choose or he chooses both of them or they all choose eachother.  And no one voluntarily does the I-want-my-beloved-to-be-happy-thing.  Or if they do the narrative doesn’t let that happen.  But like I said, that is my pipe dream and this is Disney and that is wildly unlikely.  Best case scenario is that they do that in a Korrasami fashion, where it’s there if you’re willing to see but no one comes out and says it.

I think there’s still room for Finnrey to happen.  Am I a bit less confident, yeah.  But I think that was the idea.

Third thing I saw: they reintroduced a version of the scene where Poe and Rey meet.  (It was in the TFA novelization, and chemistry was heavily implied.)  I’ve never really been able to get on board with that ship, except as part of a Jedistormpilot thing.  (Come to think of it, I’ve never been able to really get on board with Poe and Finn as a ship either, except as part of a Jedistormpilot thing.  I don’t dislike it but it was definitely less-liked than Finnrey for me.)  In the TLJ version, I think chemistry was arguably there, but I feel like Poe was in more of a false romantic lead position.  But the events of Ep IX could prove me wrong.  I’d need to see that development.  I think that was actually something that TLJ was a little weak on in the case of Finn and Rose, though I reserve the right to change my mind after I see it again.

I’m satisfied with the respect that the film showed to Rey and Finn’s connection,  That was something I wanted.  They made it clear that here are two people who care about eachother a lot.  That’s something that makes me inclined to think that we may be looking at a First Girl Wins scenario here.  But even if not, TLJ respected Finn and Rey’s connection.  That matters to me.  And they did it throughout the film and it culminated in their second climactic hug.

I suppose I should address the elephant in the room: Rey and Kylo.  Their advocates were right about the force bond, but now we know that it was for a sinister purpose and created by a sinister person.  And for a while it looked like it would play out with Rey redeeming him and I felt queasy.  But they didn’t play that straight.  Could they still go there in ep IX?  Yeah, maybe, but I don’t think there’s time enough to sensibly develop it, which has always been my gut feeling.  (Which is what I rather think about Rey and Poe, too.)  You’d need an entire other trilogy of movies to do that for Rey and Kylo, I think.

There probably already is oodles of meta about why Rey and Kylo will be a thing.  A lot depends on where you’re standing.  And there was a lot of what I’d call fanservicey content for that ship, so I could see how one could feel firmer in their convictions about it.  (Confession: I could sort of see shipping them in a twisted unhealthy bad-for-both-of-them way, and that appealed to me a tiny little bit.  Oddly, I think the door closed on that more than on a potential healthy? endgame for them ... though I think that door is pretty firmly closed.)  But personally, I don’t think you could get to more than understanding shared gazes by the end of ep IX.  At best.  Maybe they’ll surprise me but I really don’t think that’s where they’re headed.

In conclusion: crackships!  I hateshipped Poe and Amilyn Holdo basically instantly.  Let’s be real, they were hot for eachother.  And Leia was not without a similar appreciation for Poe.  I’ll take my Poe/Holdo/Leia threesome to go, please.  Scruffy out.

[cupidsbower]

I’m still the same old me, that’s all I’ll ever be

Supernatural 12x17, “The British Invasion,” and 12x18, “The Memory Remains.”

Two episodes about legacies, two episodes about how our actions can shape the future. Two episodes about making connections and breaking them. And irony. Don’t forget the irony. That’s key!

There have been several British Invasions of the Americas, notably Columbus of course, and the War of Independence perhaps also counts, but ironically, the invasion actually called “The British Invasion” was... wait for it... pop music in the 1960s. The Beatles. The Animals. The Kinks!

Hahahaha.

Anyway, there was also a “Second British Invasion” in the 80s, which included this gem, which wasn’t on the soundtrack for 12x17 but really, really should have been.

Come On Eileen, by Dexys Midnight Runners

A song about religious guilt, symbolised by desire for a pretty girl called Eileen. On the money, right? *pointedly looks at Mick’s cultish brainwashing*

So, Eileen. She was the highlight of this episode. I love her so! Sam is obviously a bit smitten, and who can blame him. I really adore their dynamic. I’m slightly less enamoured that her life was Mick’s final exam, but she lived so I’m letting it go.

In short, Eileen can come back any time. In fact, I’m intrigued by the possibilities of her coming back. She retreated to Ireland after the accidental shooting of Renny Rawlings, upper-class twit par excellence. And here’s the thing about Ireland... lets just say it doesn’t exactly have a happy relationship with Britain, and would not take kindly to the BMOL doing anything on their turf. Eileen is probably pretty safe there. If Eileen does return this season, it wouldn’t surprise me if she comes back with some Irish colleagues who are sympathetic to the Americans.

The three other meaty aspects of this episode are Mick’s arc, Kelly’s pregnancy, and Mary’s dubious sexual choices.

Mick, ah Mick. You were objectively kind of horrible, but the writers did a pretty good job of making me marginally sympathetic in this episode. Being brainwashed as a kid casts a long shadow, as John’s legacy has demonstrated only too well, and Mick’s childhood was obviously very much an indoctrination into the cult of the BMOL. He just didn’t have quite enough time to grow out of its shadow before it swallowed him up.

Mick’s fate was decided by abusive “nurturing” (if it can be called nurturing) by an adoptive female guardian (the anti-Mary -- present but terrible, instead of a terrible absence). He was indoctrinated into a legacy that shared many of the same problems as Sam and Dean’s, but like them, Mick started to question and see shades of grey once he achieved some distance from the abusive authority figure. Mick’s journey raises the question once more: is a nephilim born evil, or is it raised evil? How much does maternity/paternity define the child, and how much is choice?

I kind of like the symmetry of Mick’s arc, because in the last episode with Claire, and now this one with Eileen, the female characters were lessons for Mick. But his completed arc has turned out to be another kind of lesson -- it’s a major mirror for the nephilim arc. And for all that Lucifer seems so sure it’s a boy, I have my suspicions that it’s a girl. The foreshadowing is definitely hinting at it.

Which brings me to Kelly’s pregnancy. I have such mixed feelings about this plotline. The show is being so cautious, which I get is because they don’t want to alienate their conservative viewers. But I do wish Kelly’s arc had a bit more nuance. I have no objection to her loving her unborn child, or wanting to have it. I do wish we had a bit more insight into her hopes, fears and plans, though. I mean, she was the aide to a super-religious President, right? But she also had sex with him out of wedlock. These are potential contradictions, but we have no insight into how she thinks about them -- I’m curious about where she is on the religious spectrum. Is she also super-religious, and if so, would her fear of Lucifer trump her love of an unborn child? And if she’s not super-religious, what the hell is she making of all this? Is she afraid she’ll die, or does she think that’s hokum and a good hospital will do the trick? Is she missing her friends and family? Does she have any???

Like, I get that she’s probably going to be a disposable container who dies at the end of the season, so that our leads have a baby to deal with next season, but come on. Surely we can get some characterisation along the way before she’s fridged???? This is potentially such rich ground, and we’ve basically been given bupkis.

Now Mary, on the other hand, I’m enjoying a lot. It’s such a pleasure to learn more about her, and get some fresh and unexpected characterisation. I don’t really like her very much at the moment, but her choices are so interesting! Choosing to sleep with Ketch is fascinating (and gross) for so many reasons. For a start, it means she’s coming back to life. She’s making choices about her own pleasure. Sure they are kind of shitty choices, but just a few eps ago, she was in a place where she seemed to see no joy in life as a possibility for her at all, even such fleeting solace as this. I’m curious to see how this will play out. Ketch is a psychopath, but he’s an obsessive one I think. I don’t foresee any love-inspired turning-over of leaves in his future, but I do see him acting in a skeevy or possessive way which has unintended consequences that pay off in interesting plot twists.

Aside from all of that, Mary’s choice to have sex with someone she doesn’t have any deeper feelings for also draws the parallel between her and Dean ever more clearly. Mary will choose pleasure of the moment when she can’t have the deeper pleasures and connections she really wants, and she’s very much aware that this is the choice she’s making. Dean makes exactly the same choice in the very next episode, which is kind of extraordinary once you dig into it. We’ve already had the impala scene, in which Dean realised Mary had had sex in it (just as he has), so the sexual parallel between them isn’t new. But the larger implication of why they both chose fleeting sexual pleasure at this particular moment is new -- for Mary it’s about pining and solace and wanting to feel alive, which due to the parallel implies that it’s also about pining and solace and life for Dean. Both of them are pining for people who aren’t there. Both of them try to take what they can from life anyway.

I keep thinking the show must have plumbed the depths of the possibilities for queer subtext, and then it basically parallels Castiel and John as the missing lovers in question, and I just... Really? Really?

Moving on to 12x18, this episode had some lovely writing in it. From the unacknowledged queer possibilities in the opening scene -- two guys watching het couples make out, and getting off on it -- to the goddamn gorgeous subversion of John’s hunting motto, and a bunch of other things too, this ep made me happy. John Bring, I like you, Please write more!

So there were two main plot strands in this ep, and one major theme. On the one hand we have the bunker being invaded by the BMOL, and on the other, we have the Winchesters taking out a god, no big deal. And through it all runs the thread of legacies -- the things we leave behind for those who come after us.

The title of the ep is probably taken from the Metallica song of the same name, about an aging film star who goes off the rails as their fame fades. Rather like the British Empire has faded compared to its former colony, for instance.

However, the track in the episode which is most directly related to the BMOL is Bongzilla’s Prohibition (4th Amendment). I confess, I had no idea there was such a thing as a stoner band called Bongzilla, but now I have been educated! Their song Prohibition (4th Amendment) is exactly what it sounds like -- an ode to the 4th Amendment to the US Constitution, which “prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures” (x). Obviously an important issue to stoners. I guess.

My main takeaway from the BMOL’s search of the bunker was sadness. I’m now pretty sure that Sam and Dean are going to lose their home when they reject the legacy of the MOL at the end of the season. All that will remain are those carved initials... assuming the whole bunker isn’t blown up, due to the explosive birth of a nephilim for instance.

There’s no doubt in my mind, however, that a rejection of the MOL legacy is coming for Sam and Dean, and it won’t go easy.

The only other thing I want to say about the BMOL strand of this ep is that Ketch’s weird Thing for the Winchesters is officially creepy, especially as it’s not entirely clear whether it’s a Thing for Mary or a Thing for Dean -- Ketch did that whole seduction play for Dean several eps ago, long before Mary decided to jump that, and both Dean and Mary are in the pic.

Maybe it’s both! Ugh barely expresses it really.

I for one will enjoy it very much when he gets his comeuppance.

Moving on to the hunt part of the episode. There are so many things to enjoy here. First, it’s a god, and as Dean says, it’s just “normal” to go eight rounds with one and win if you’re a Winchester. I really do love the juxtaposition of the Winchesters casually taking out a god (Sam is so badass), while the very human BMOL are their actual antagonists for the season. The ridiculousness of it delights me.

The little details of the plot are delightful too. We have the Sheriff who is fighting the legacy of his past, compared with the other kind of legacy -- the illegitimate brother who wants to inherit the sins of the father. And that’s when we get this, which was a highlight of the ep for me:

Pete: That's what we do, right? Hunting people. Killing them. The family business.

And the reason I love it so much is because this is straight out telling us that the Winchester script is no longer John’s script. Because what Pete says shows up just how wrong it is. Hunting and killing people is not the family business. First, because it’s no longer possible to tell who “people” are just by whether they are human or supernatural, and second, because as Sam told us, what matters is saving people -- that is Sam and Dean’s legacy. That is their business.

Sam: But the people we saved, they're our legacy. And they'll remember us and then I guess we'll eventually fade away, too.

When we get these glimpses of Sam’s inner life, it makes me yearn for more. I had so much hope this season was going to be a Sam season, given how it started, but it seems to have trailed off in the second half and I miss it. More inner Sam, please, Mr Dabb.

Anyway, they are not hunters. They are saviours! I mean... *waves hands wildly* Oh em gee. That’s huge!

I am now 100% convinced that the nephilim baby will not die because of Sam, Dean or Castiel. They’ll save it, because it’s the family business.

Okay, the one other thing I want to talk about is Dean and his liaison with the waitress. I’ve already mentioned the parallel with Mary, but I have to say, I liked this part of the ep. It was so cheesy, but it was also Dean celebrating life, which we haven’t seen in a while. Everything from the music as he undertook his hilarious seduction (Tony Hatch’s Music to Watch Girls By) to the affectionate look on Sam’s face the morning after -- it was done with a light touch, and didn’t come off as a no-homo to me. Rather, it felt like a blast from the past. A happy, nostalgic nod back to Dean’s past, signalling that there’s about to be a major shift in his path as we go into season 13.

And the capper, as he ate his hamburger afterwards without a glance at the waitress, was this playing in the background.

Burgers and Fries, Charley Pride

If that’s not a goodbye to a major part of his life that’s now over, I don’t know what is.

Previously:

The Ministry of Information vs Wayward Sons Carrying On (12x01)

My, my, how can I resist you? (12x02) and follow-up about Bohemian Raphsody

So what am I so afraid of? (I think I love you) (12x03)

I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy Down in my heart (Where?) (12x04) and a follow-up about the codependency and about Dean’s self-flagellation and issues with space

There can be only one! (12x05), and a follow-up conversation with elizabethrobertajones on Freud vs Schwartz.

They shall fall by the sword: they shall be a portion for foxes (12x06)  

Presenting the Immaculate Heart Reunion Tour (12x07)    

I’m still living the life where you get home and open the fridge and there’s half a pot of yogurt and a half a can of flat Coca-Cola. ~Alan Rickman (12x08, 12x09)

When the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men (12x10)    

in re (12x11)

Making the most of teachable moments (12x12) and an added thought, In-and-out-laws

Don’t fuck with the branches on my family tree (12x13)

To Protect and to Serve (12x14) and some more thoughts

Hiding in the shadow of love (12x15) and some further thoughts in response to @elizabethrobertajones‘ meta.

You’re living in the past, it’s a new generation (12x16)

[benperorsolo]

Don't do the first one I messed up lmao okay so heisaki and zutara for 001, ben solo for 002 and for 003 zuko, aang, sokka, katara, toph

001. (heisaki)

when I started shipping it if I did:

I honestly don’t even remember. I usually don’t start shipping couples as I watch a show, but after when I’m looking for fanfic to distract me from my schoolwork. So sometime after finishing S1.

my thoughts:

Heisaki pretty much caters to every grossly trash thing I like in ships: enemies to lovers, preferably with some kickass woman and some super-evil looking masked dude with Secret Depths and Softness™ (I know I’m garbage okay I’ve made my peace), where Sad Angry Scary Dude is shown affection from someone who believes in their goodness more than they’re disgusted by their evil, and Strong But Soft Woman discovers tenderness and support in the unlikeliest of  places.

What makes me happy about them:

All of the above, and also the way they cycle through various identities with each other in canon, the way canon teases them as people who would make an amazing team if they weren’t pawns for organizations bigger than themselves. The way both of them are uncompromising in their work but have secret private vulnerabilities. The way both of them love the stars. 

What makes me sad about them:

The way canon bastardized Misaki in the second season into being obsessed with catching Hei because of her weird unresolved feelings for him. But not in a cool or respectful way; just in a way that made Misaki into a lovesick waif whose personality completely went out the window. 

things done in fanfic that annoys me:

Mostly when Hei becomes to emotional or emotionally honest with Misaki without a lot of buildup, considering he’s been emotionally constipated for going on a decade now and for reasons that involved not dying. Likewise when Misaki turns into a damsel to be saved.

things I look for in fanfic:

Some sort of clear ideological friction between the two of them; Misaki’s discovery of the Black Reaper’s identity and/or interacting with the Black Reaper in person. 

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:

No one? Hei’s other options are Amber, a ship which I find interesting as something in Hei’s past but not one I would endgame bc abusive, and Yin, who is mentally basically a child and it feels like pedophilia.

My happily ever after for them:

Haaaa the grossly indulgent Office AU. Hei becomes a contractor working with Section 4, develops a little friend/family unit with Section 4 and astronomics; he and Misaki get married; Hei reconnects with his family in China; Hei and Misaki have a little girl named Seiko and it’s gr9. Everything is beautiful and occasionally hurts but never, y’know, forever.

who is the big spoon/little spoon:

Hei, probably. But it could vary. They’re just about equal in height so there’s no reason one should be the big spoon over the other.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity:

Stargazing.

001. zutara

when I started shipping it if I did:

Don’t even remember. Sometime after finishing Book 3, I think. 

my thoughts:

Gold standard ship. The ship I keep shipping in other fandoms, just in different iterations. The ying-yang, ‘you rise with the moon, I rise with the sun’ way they complement each other, and yet at their cores are so similar: highly driven, compassionate, passionate people who are proven in battle to make a great team.

What makes me happy about them:

The way their relationship beautifully unfolded over three seasons of mortal enemies, to maybe-allies (and then would-be-ally and traitor), to allies and friends. The way each season of ATLA ends with a fight between them; the first two against each other, and the last one with each other. The way they are safe places for the other— Katara confiding to him in the crystal caves, and again about her mother in Southern Raiders; Zuko confiding to Katara about his fear of facing his uncle, and Katara’s reassurance, and then the way Zuko took Katara with her to fight Azula because he knew he needed a steadfast ally he could trust.

What makes me sad about them:

The way Bryke have insulted the ship over the years, calling it too ‘dark and mysterious’ for Nick, but then fucked up all of the canon relationships in ATLA by having their kids have extremely dysfunctional relationships with their parents, or just making the relationships straight-up dysfunctional coughMaikocough 

things done in fanfic that annoys me:

When Katara gets the Mary Sue Strong Independent Woman treatment, or when she becomes some helpless crying waif (usually Book 1 kidnapping fics, which can be good, okay, they can), and likewise when Zuko post-redemption is still a jerkass. I mean he can still be a jerk, but he’s not a jerkass.

things I look for in fanfic:

I’ll read almost anything. I like S1 fic (typically Zuko captures Katara, and Katara takes none of his shit, and then TEAMWORK HAPPENS), s2 fic where crotchety I-once-did-something-good-and-gave-myself-a-coma Zuko and Katara are forced to work together in lovehate, and post-s3 Western Air Temple fics where Zuko has to earn Katara’s forgiveness. 

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:

No one lmao. I’m not a multishipper.

My happily ever after for them:

Fire Lord Zuko and Fire Lady Katara rule the Fire Nation in peace and harmony and are happy, the end.

who is the big spoon/little spoon:

Zuko’s the big spoon.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity:

Sparring.

002. Ben Solo

How I feel about this character:

ALL THE THINGS. I LOVE MY BOYFRIENDSON BEN SKYWALKER-ORGANA-SOLO.

More seriously— I love how he’s desperate for villainy, and yet cannot achieve it no matter how hard he tries. I love that this is a character who has to pray away the Light within him. I love how even after killing his father, the Light still won’t go away. I love that he is the beloved son of one of the most loved couples in cinematic history, related in a significant way to almost everyone in the prequels, OT, and sequels. I love that he effectively flips the conflict of the original films, wherein the fallen father is saved by the goodness of his son, and now it is the fallen son who will be saved (mark my words) by his father. I love the angst inherent in watching this character, who was practically born to be a hero, do everything he can to shirk his destiny and ensure his Darkness, and yet fall short. And most of all, I love the possibility (inevitability) of his redemption. I love the idea of getting to explore what redemption looks like when you don’t die before its completion, like Anakin. I love the idea of Ben realizing that his father did save him after all; of getting to smile at his uncle again;  of getting to hug his mother again; of it hurting so much— the hurt of a healing wound, at last, and not the hurt of the Dark Side. Of Ben getting to reclaim the person he might have been, had Snoke and misfortune and his own hamartia not found him, so that he no longer has to hide behind a false name and a mask, but can finally as himself face the sun, unafraid. Ben Solo means a lot to me. Maybe the hypotheticals of his character more than what we have now. But I honestly think that my strange compassion for this fake person has made me a better person. Because, if I can sit here and rail for his redemption no matter his sins— then what excuse do I have not to try to become a better person myself?

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

Rey the bae all the way.

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

BenPoe/Knightpilot, especially involving them as childhood friends, and Poe having to come to terms with Ben, who he was, and who he is, after Ben defects back to the Resistance. Some of my favorite character pieces to this end are This Thing of Darkness I Acknowledge Mine and Orbital Period. Also the BenPoe fandom are pretty much the nicest people ever?

My unpopular opinion about this character:

The fact that I like him is probably an unpopular opinion. 

Okay okay my real unpopular opinion (ESSAY AHOY) is my insistence of Kylo Ren’s true name still being Ben Solo (ofc you know this is a thing with me bc you very diplomatically asked me to talk about ‘Ben Solo’ and not ‘Kylo Ren’ in your ask lmao, and you know I call him ‘Ben’ just like I call Vader ‘Anakin’— practically always, in both cases, because it’s for the same reason). Kylo Ren is a shadow archetype, an alter ego, a mask and a costume— the thing Ben is trying desperately to become and yet never will, not only because he failed so horribly at being a proper villain in TFA (going for Rey instead of the droid; not torturing the bejeezus out of Rey immediately; feeling immediate regret after killing his father, not pushing Rey off a cliff during their fight when he had the chance, and then losing to her), but because it’s just how Star Wars works. It’s the same with Anakin and Vader— as Luke says to Vader in ROTJ, ‘[Anakin] is the name of your true self; you’ve only just forgotten,’ and ultimately Luke is proven right. Throughout canon, the Dark Side is depicted as a corruption of your true self; a warping of who you really are. Your Dark Side is not your authentic self, it’s a gross imitation, and whatever you call yourself under the thrall of the Dark Side is not your true name either. This is how it functioned for Anakin/Vader in the OT; and how it was for Galen Marek/Starkiller in the EU. Your Dark Side name is your slave name. It’s just another mask; a type of verbal disassociation— another way to remove yourself from the reality of what you’re really doing and what you have become. There is also the gross, skeevy observation that Anakin was given the name Vader by Palpatine, the creep who groomed him, and it’s not a difficult leap to assume that Snoke, the creep who groomed Ben in utero, gave Ben the name Kylo Ren. It is canon that Snoke has forbidden the name ‘Ben Solo’ to be spoken by anyone in the First Order, including Ben. But who the hell knows that Kylo Ren is Ben? It’s treated as an extreme secret, and currently I’d say the number is limited to Snoke, Hux, and Ben himself. So who is Snoke really forbidding from saying the name Ben Solo? Ben. He’s forbidding Ben. He’s giving Ben a gag order on his own name— which should immediately ring your bells as being sketchy AF for OBVIOUS REASONS, including but not limited to the fact that you only forbid people from doing things you know they are in danger of doing. If Ben were really completely dead, if he were really Kylo Ren all the way down, then what is Snoke afraid of? All of this to say, it annoys the everlasting and eternal fuck out of me when I see fics or headcanons where a redeemed Ben does not go back to that name, because then to me it represents a person who is still hiding behind the verbal equivalent of a mask. It would be like a redeemed Anakin still going by the name Darth Vader. It’s watching a man stand by the name of his abuse. It stands in literal opposition of everything a true redemption symbolizes, especially in Star Wars, and it’s gross gross gross I hate it.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

A REDEMPTION ARC BITCHESSS

my OTP:

Reylo. Okay technically Reyben. But yeah. More recently I’ve become obsessed with the idea of them as parents, because it would be such a beautiful capstone for them both. Rey, lonely, orphan Rey, finally having a family of her own. Rey being terrified of motherhood, because she can’t even remember her mother. Rey feeling that fierce, wolfish upwelling of maternal protectiveness for the first time and knowing she wouldn’t trade it for the world. Ben, terrified of making the mistakes his parents made with him; Ben, terrified of his past poisoning his children’s future. Ben, now a father, realizing the sort of unbreakable love that let his own father walk out on that bridge knowing he might die, and still taking the chance on his child. Ben, looking at the bundle in his arms and knowing he’d do the same. asdfghjkl;

my cross over ship:

Ben Solo x happiness, probably. I know it’s a wild concept.

a headcanon fact:

Ben is naturally good at pazaak and other gambling/card games. It’s one of the few roguish/smugglerish things he has in common with Han. Poe, Finn, and Rey always accuse him of using the Force to cheat, but he never does. During sessions of strip Pazaak (Poe’s idea), Poe, Finn, and Rey will be almost completely naked while Ben sits across the table fully clothed.

003. zuko, aang, katara, sokka, toph

1. zuko

2. aang

3. katara (tied w/ aang but just for overall character arc aang’s affects me more powerfully)

4. sokka

5. toph

[storyunrelated]

Colder, Harder Hugs #2_Oh Dear

Every sentence I write I'm worried that I'm making someone upset.

But, then, really what are the odds of that happening?

Turns out, it was something to worry about.

Well. Maybe ‘worry’ is too strong a word. It was something I should have been more concerned about, let’s say. Something I should have put a bit more thought into.

Turns out - oops, said that already.

It transpired (much better) that things were afoot I couldn’t possibly have been aware of. Unless I’d paid attention a little more. Apparently the vanishingly brief relationship me and Tillie had had constituted news for some people. The sort of people who cared about that thing, obviously. I’d have thought this wouldn’t be very many, uh, people. And I would’ve been right, too. What I could not have predicted was that this not very many people would also be quite vocal and quite active.

Society was a lot more fraught than I realised, it seemed. Who knew? Everyone except me, that’s who. There was considerably more friction between living-machines and flesh-and-blood folks than I had thought. Or at least those who said there was friction were very loud about it. Like I said. Vocal. The same sort of people who considered the first living-machine/flesh-and-blood person relationship to be a Very Bad Thing and weren’t shy about repeating this opinion. Oops.

Also, quick thing, how was it we were the first? I mean, I know there has to be a first for everything but honestly? Me? Someone else probably did it but kept it more discrete. Not that it matters now. I - and Tillie, so ‘we’ then - are in the eye of an unpleasant, skeevy media storm. It seemed. I wasn’t sure what it was supposed to be like, really. People lurked a lot more than usual. In and around hedges, on the other side of fences while I was walking, behind corners. It was weird.

Who reads magazines anyway? Most of these lurkers worked for magazines. Or so I was told. This was information fed to me via Tillie via her father, who had been on top of the emerging situation since just before it even became a situation. The guy was on top of everything from the sound of things. Still never met him, but nice to know he looks after his daughter. And me, by proxy. Though I doubt that was his intention.

Magazines though…weird ones with limited and agitated circulation. And since we live in the future the internet was a concern, too. Probably more of a concern, really. Who reads magazines nowadays? Like I say. Limited circulation. One person. And then that person says something about it online, then everyone knows about an eighth of the story but talks about it like they were the one who heard it first.

Oh, get me. Topical. Cutting! But yeah. Internet.

I thought that maybe finding one of these guys to talk to and set the record straight would be a good idea but I was, of course, completely wrong and was actually supposed to avoid them at all costs. This I learnt via Tillie’s father via Tillie - again - and kinda made sense once I thought about it. They probably didn’t want to be my friends. I did read the articles, though. Some of them.

The first article wasn’t that bad, actually. The publication was favourable (some people were actually on the pro-us side of this, I discovered - further surprises!). Some living-machine periodical I’d rather unsurprisingly never heard of. But then some anti-living-machine periodical I’d also never heard of got their claws into it. That was when things starting going a little south on my reading journey.

It made me uncomfortable the things they were saying. The word ‘unnatural’ came up more than once, and once was too much for me. They really didn’t seem happy about any of it. From the tone of the piece I got the impression they’d prefer I had found myself a nice flesh-and-blood girl to canoodle with, which seemed odd. I wasn’t sure who I wanted to hug was any of their business, really. At this point I started to feel uncomfortably like I was treading on the toes of people with legitimate problems in their life as a result of discrimination and I should probably just avoid reading any more about it in future. So I did. Ignoring bad things is tops!

Things did sort of spread from there though, which was less cool. Osmosis, yo. Or something like it. Somehow people in the real world started finding out. I mean, some people already knew - that guy who punched me in the face, for one, but he went to uni so he probably saw me so that I understand - but now it was more and more people. At least if the looks I were getting meant anything. I never did like it when people looked at me and now they did it more and more.

At least one person spat on me, which was new. My life had been pretty cushy and free from persecution up to that point so it was difficult to feel too hard done by but it was certainly a surprise. I moved away from them quickly and did my best not to think about it afterwards, but it was apparently enough for Tillie - on her being told - to tell her father, who acted on it. We now had bodyguards. Just like that. The very same day. Snap. There’s a man with connections.

They were nice fellows and no mistake, the bodyguards. Morley was the flesh-and-blood one, Malhas the living-machine. Serious about their work but pleasant to be around. I wondered if that was the same with all bodyguards? I’d never had one. The ones I’d seen before (in newspapers and such) always looked rather dour to me. Our two were positively jovial. Perhaps you paid extra for that. Or extra for the dour ones. What would people normally want from a bodyguard?

Both were also loaded for bear when it came to protection, which was a little alarming at first. Being an Englishman, I tend to recoil when seeing an armed person in an everyday context. It’s just how I’m wired. Not that I don’t nurture a baseline, adolescent fascination with weaponry. I do. In the way a twelve year old boy is interested in guns and tanks and such.

Hell, who am I to judge. I watch those Attrition films and I love it. Explosions hurrah!

Anyway. Both were very keen to show off their respective arsenals, and needed very little prodding to do so. Morley had this sort of slimline, powered-exoskeleton thing she wore beneath her suit that allowed her - as she demonstrated - to lift me bodily with one hand. If she wanted to do such a thing, of course. I’d heard of these things, but seeing one properly was new.

To be honest I was more impressed that she’d managed to get a well-fitting suit that could accommodate the thing and not look angular. I couldn’t put my wallet in the pocket of my jacket without looking like a sack of stuffed nonsense. She just looked smart. Suited and booted, as they say. There were other things her device was capable of she told me, though what they were exactly remained a mystery to me. All she’d do when I asked was tap her nose and smile, which did not make me feel especially comfortable. Safe with her outside. Just not comfortable.

Malhas, being a living-machine, was just built in such a way that made him a natural combatant. It was sort of hard to describe him, really. His head was his only really solid part and there were some bits and pieces I saw lurking in his torso every now and then but most of him was ribbon-like. And coiled. It’s hard to explain, like I say.

He is man-shaped most of the time but when he wants to he can uncoil and lengthen before retracting. Whip-crack fast, too. He demonstrated by putting a candle on wall (from a distance) and then slicing it in half (also at a distance) before I dropped a penny (which he had given me). According to Morley this constituted his ‘party trick’ and she had seen it more times than she could count at this point.

He could also lift me. Why they both insisted on doing this I did not know, but it was a compelling demonstration. He too had a suit that fitted perfectly and never caught or tugged or ripped or stretched no matter what he did. You’d have thought someone whose body opened up every time they bent would do some damage. I think the tailor was the real hero here.

In all honesty I wasn’t overwhelmed with them being there, however. Lovely chaps, as said, yes, but that they needed to be there at all made me feel bad. Like they were being put out of their way because of me. I knew they were being paid and this was their job, so, uh…

I just didn’t like being the centre of any attention, really, even if in this instance it was people being put into place to protect me from being the negative centre of attention. Maybe I was just reacting to an unusual situation. Tillie did not share my misgivings when I brought them up to her in the kitchen - the internationally accepted room for discussing matters of the day.

Or just the room I was in when she was passing. Take your pick.

“He says they’re for my protection as much as yours,” she said. I was about to question this when the logic of it hit me in the forebrain. It did make sense, and I felt a bit silly for not having worked that out without prompting. I was being harassed where I lived. Who did I live with? QED.

Wait, does that work there? Whatever. I got it, that was the point. I felt a bit selfish, now.

“That does make sense,” I said with a shrug, eyes down.

I couldn’t really look her in the face because it felt like something was trying to gnaw its way through my intestines, but that happened sometimes. Not anything actually gnawing its way through my intestines - that sort of thing only probably ever happened once in anyone’s life - just the feeling when I looked at her.

It felt vaguely similar to loss, which was ridiculous of course. I hadn’t lost her, I hadn’t lost anything. Our burgeoning relationship had simply come to a screeching, crunching halt and we didn’t cuddle anymore and I would die alone. That’s just life sometimes. Chin up, you know? Relentless positivity. As difficult as it may be. Even as hods and hods of little things pile up on top of your skull and weigh your thoughts down.

As it were. So to speak. You know what I mean.

For real though it’s fine. I have nothing to complain about.

“No-one’s been hassling you, have they?” I asked, eyes still down. This was something I’d asked her more than once lately and her answers had been consistent.

“No more than usual,” she said, same as usual. The gnawing in my gut became somewhat sharper. I disliked the idea of Tillie being hassled. Though ‘hassled’ makes it sound somewhat less unpleasant than I imagine it actually is. She has a rough time of it sometimes and bears it well, for the most part. People can be frightful, but this is hardly a shocking or profound insight. I knew this already.

Here and there Tillie had told me about some of the stuff that came her way, typically when a little thing finally caused her to overflow. I had provided hugs as there hadn’t been much else I had been able to do. Can’t make cups of tea for a living-machine, and those (along with hugs) are basically the extent of my comforting repertoire. I’d learnt that back-pats and ‘there there’ didn’t really cut the mustard in real life. She’d seemed appreciative at the time.

I hadn’t been called upon in such a capacity for a while now. I imagined her nice new group of friends was providing the kind of support I couldn’t, which was good. But still. People. Horrible. Whispered comments. Spoken comments. Shouted comments. Occasional thrown objects to accompany shouted comments. Who acts like that? People, that’s who. Pricks to a man, I tell you. We’re all of us terrible.

It made me sad that I couldn’t fix that. That I couldn’t affect some kind of change in society and humanity in a general way that would prevent Tillie from having nasty things yelled at her when she went outside. It felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough.

Or was it arrogant to assume that I had the ability to alter the world in such a way in the first place? I can never remember. I’d heard points made in both directions. Not about this specifically, but about supposed attempts at ‘martyring myself’. An overestimation of one’s impact on the world. Or something. I don’t know. I just want to help.

“Are you okay?” She asked, which snapped me back to the present. Evidently I’d been lost in thought. Tilting my face up from the floor at last I looked at a point maybe an inch above her head and hoped it looked like I was looking at her face while talking to her.

“A-okay,” I said. And I was. I knew I was. I had to be.

Tillie’s lights were the colour of concern, for whatever reason. It’s sort of blue-y. I think? You’re asking the wrong person, mate.

“What are you thinking about?”

‘Holding you’ would have been the actual answer. Or ‘fixing the world so that you’re happier’ would be another. Both impractical and both exactly the sort of thing you do not say to someone who asks you that question. That’s just common sense.

“Oh, you know, nothing. Explosions. World peace. It’s a bit contradictory up here,” I said, jabbing my skull with finger. I wished my thoughts were as refreshingly simple and comforting as explosions and world peace. It would have been an engaging mental exercises trying to mesh those two together.

I wish I knew what they were at all, really. My thought I mean. Beyond the above example answers that were actually true. There were further, deeper thoughts lurking beneath that were unknown to me. Those were the ones that worried me. I’m a close book to myself in all honesty. A lifetime of trying not to think too hard has made thinking at all - at least about the sort of thoughts Tillie probably wanted to know about - difficult. If not impossible. I could tell she didn’t believe me.

“Really?” She asked, head cocking to the side just ever so slightly. The head-tilt of disbelief. The lights changed to match it, tempering the blue (question mark?) of concern. I nodded a liar’s nod.

“Really.”

This rested in the air between us for a moment. Tillie sighed, head uncocking.

“You can still talk to me about things, you know. We are still friends. Right?”

“Of course!” I was wounded at the very suggestion! Just not wounded enough to act on it that much.

“I hope so. You’ve been kind of weird lately,” she said. This wounded me too, but I wasn’t going to tell her that.

“Sorry,” I said with a shrug and a grin. The best I could do.

Neither of us was sure what to follow this up with. We had a false start where we both tried to speak together and after a small politeness firefight (“After you” “No, you first” etc) Tillie was the one to speak:

“Should probably actually go and finish that work I was doing.”

“Learning, am I right? Me too,” I said. This was true. I should probably actually do more of that. Student, you know. Goes with the territory. There was another second or so of abject, agonising silence.

“Okay then…” Tillie said, turning and leaving. She cast one look back over her shoulder before disappearing into her room. I had been watching her go and when she turned flinched and looked away on reflex. Then she was gone.

Were I a wiser man I would likely make better use of Tillie. No, wait. Wrong words. I would appreciate her more than I do. That’s more like it. Not everyone is so lucky as to have a sympathetic ear so close to hand all the time. Most people would likely be more grateful, unlike me. Swine.

Life was just getting a little too confusing for me. This was not a situation I saw myself ending up in, you know? Who would? Colour me blindsided.

I don’t want to be well-known or notable have to worry about people taking my picture or anything like that. Don’t want to have to think about the possibility that, at any given moment, someone somewhere is calling me or my friend disgusting or unnatural or something else uncomplimentary. That’s the sort of thing that’s liable to make even an inert lump of flesh like me start to feel a mite anxious. And that’s no good at all.

Ideally things would be setup to just allow me to to sleep through my lectures, sit silently in my seminars, turn in uninspiring work and leave university without making a ripple so that when I die people can forget me more easily.

Wait, no, that’s not positive. Think positive, man! Relentless positivity, remember?

Uh. Hmm.

I’m not sure where to start. I’ll get back to it. Worry about it later. You have more pressing issues. You have a lot you actually need to sit down and think about. Things to stop avoiding, you know?

Wait. Wait!

Fireworks! That’s how explosions and world peace go together! Fireworks to celebrate! Just, you know, really beefy fireworks you need to shelter from.

Bloody obvious. God you’re such an idiot.

[its-just-like-the-movies]

A Cure For Wellness (2017) B-/C+

At eight films into the year, who’s to say if Gore Verbiski’s A Cure For Wellness will still be the strangest film I’ve seen from 2017? Get Out, Raw, and American Fable have rolled on by, with Personal Shopper waiting right around the immediate corner, in all of their own distinct flavors of horrifying, strange, and discomfiting, and that’s nothing to say of films like The Beguiled off in the distance. But with a budget at least nine times higher than Shopper’s and eight times higher than Get Out’s (Fable and The Beguiled don’t have a reported budget, as far as I can tell), Wellness’s weirdness has been its primary selling point, both within itself and as a child of the studio system with tens of millions and a name-brand director of popular money-makers behind it. Its reputation for being absolutely batshit has superseded most conversation about it, even acknowledging lapses in plot, theme, length, and characterization. And Wellness lapses in all of these areas, regularly. The obviousness of where it will go is so heavily thudded in its first half that it keeps working against itself in moments that should be wonderfully odd. But once everything officially goes to shit for our hero, and the film finally stops pretending to hide what it’s doing and starts luxuriating in its own insanity, all that foreshadowing is recuperated in the service of executing these story beats in even stranger ways than I could have possibly expected.

Let’s start from the beginning, or maybe the prologue, where an initially nameless CEO dies of a heart attack working late in his company’s office space. The dead man’s body bathed in the light of - and dwarfed by - a seemingly infinite number of desktop computers is both the first in a multitude of striking imagery and a red herring, implying the film will have a long-reaching thesis about how American business-people are literally working themselves to death. From there we see the ascension of corporate cog Lockhart, only to be sent to off a mysterious resort in Sweden by the partners of his corporation, blackmailing him to retrieve their missing partner so that they can bring him home and lock him up as a patsy for their own shady dealings. The casting of Dane DeHaan, already so gaunt, is enough to reinforce the idea of death by overworking as Lockhart heads off on his assignment, seemingly peeved at the tremendous effort he’s undertaking simply to go and pick up this rogue suit. Not until he lands in the limousine taking him to that gothic wellness center do we see or hear anything of real value to the plot, establishing not just the truly bizarre story of how the hospital came to be but the contentious relationship between the hospital and the village leading up to it, rooted in said bizarre goings-on. This only really matters for a single detour into town, though, as Lockhart spends the rest of the film trapped in the wellness center as a patient and a test subject.

I do hope that calling him a test subject isn’t considered a spoiler, but it’s hard to call that overarching narrative all that shocking. From the moment we arrive the wellness center has a sterile, menacing aura that’s only enhanced once we get inside the institution and meet director Dr. Volmer and his ward Hannah, played respectively by a slimy Jason Isaacs and young Mia Goth, looking like Shelley DuVall as a Tim Burton ingenue. Like a lot in Wellness, the exact nature of their relationship is one you’ll likely realize long before you’re told about it; the first eighty minutes of the film are torn between trying to maintain some impression the hospice is normal enough and DeHaan is just imaging things or either going full bore up its own ass. And since the entire plot is built on how goddamn bizarre everything actually is, there’s not much going on for the first half outside of the few moments Verbinski goes “fuck it” and lets everything happen all at once. I spent those eighty minutes longing for the sheer, sporadic insanity of moments like the deer limping its shattered body off the road and away from the car wreck, the missing CEO slinking into a pool and spending too much time getting his head wet, Lockhart’s first treatment in the tank that may or may not have been infested with dozens of eels. A trip into town wherein Lockhart takes Hannah with him as he tries to establish contact with his employers is perhaps the first scene that manages to genuinely build its own kind of tension as we watch Hannah float around the bar, orbited by intrigued and skeevy punks, unaware of the dangers these kids are to her as she wanders into the bathroom and steals an abandoned tube of lipstick before dancing to the jukebox with the other kids. Meanwhile, Lockhart meets a farmer who becomes the thirty-eighth person to dish out something about the legend of the mad baron who opened the institution before comparing Lockhart to an injured cow the farmer has to slaughter.

From here we have about two more labyrinthine explorations, each more unraveled than the last one, before Lockhart confronts Dr. Volmer at a dinner table sequence that finally lays bare what he’s doing to the patients bare- involving even more eels and the suspiciously ineffective water that isn’t stopping teeth from popping out due to dehydration. And once we learn this, A Cure for Wellness at last stops trying to resist its strangest impulses and doesn’t just jump full bore up its own ass, but starts actually driving forward in the narrative after spending so much time trying to obfuscate its mysteries. Scenes start landing punches, stakes really matter, and the reveals land with such potency that it doesn’t even matter you already figured out this mad tale of incest and genetic experimentation over an hour ago. The real surprises in the institution are not the horrific farming of its patients, but the sheer gusto and fright with which these moments are finally visualized instead of whispered at us by a doomed woman cutting up newspaper scraps (Celia Imre, not given enough screen time to contribute her own brand of spookiness).

But what’s most striking is how assured and confidently the film reveals its layers of madness and human experimentation once it gets there. Never have I seen a man rip off what’s left of his face with such vigor, or the burning of a ballroom be shot with the same sweeping gorgeousness, if not more, as it had been when it was a party celebrating a truly awful success. Its set pieces had always been effective and well-shot, but the vigor in those moments has spread to the rest of the film, now that it’s given itself over to its own strangeness. The ending is, if anything, bigger than I had expected in its rampaging through the institution and its characters as Dr. Volmer sets his final plans in motion, and as Lockhart raced to find him I genuinely wondered how on earth he could pull this off. Wellness’ weirdness is not just potent but utterly grandiose, going full-scale melodrama in its last half hour in order to fulfill a story with fewer layers to it than Raw or Get Out, in realizing a plot it was too happy to telegraph from its earliest moments, and I’ll be damned if the sheer spectacle didn’t bowl me over better than any “event” blockbuster I’ve grumbled my way to a ticket for with my boyfriend.

Looking it up, I can’t say I’m shocked about the critical mixed reception, perhaps even the poor returns financially, but I wish things had gone a little better for this odd little fucker. If you’re hoping for more out of a film than strangeness, perhaps check out the talents of Eve Stewart, shuttled off from the greater horror of Tom Hooper’s sets, striking a fine balance in her realization of the institution that can flip from perfectly normal, uncomfortably sterile, and truly haunted, and that’s before we even get to the underground lair or some crazy aboveground shit. Bojan Bazelli’s cinematography, operating within the spa’s blues, the cast’s whites, and whatever flourished of color are called upon amongst all this pale, does similarly skilled work realizing set pieces like Hannah wading through a pool or the ballroom escapades horrific to watch and visually stunning. Bazelli and the makeup department must get credit for accenting DeHaan’s sickliest features, and making Goth look so much like she’d never touched sunlight, like every Victorian heroine meant to symbolize The Hopes And Dreams Of The Oppressed or something like that. I can’t say you’ve really missed much if you missed this film while it was in its theatrical run, but I know seeing that crazy shit on the big screen was enough of an amplifier to keep it in my head for a while. Then again, maybe it’ll feel even more at home on the Syfy channel when it isn’t showing one of its delicious, homemade fish-beast movies. If it’s ever there, I encourage you to give it a shot, even if you hop in an hour late. You probably haven’t missed the good stuff, you can easily catch up, and it’s better than you’d give it credit for just by looking at it.