#it sucks bc it's def affected how i make/break relationships

[themagnificentmx]

sigh . i wish being a better person came naturally to me

[saintlesbian]

as an Esme enjoyer (NOT APOLOGIST!!!!) I have lots of conflicting Thoughts ™️ on her current character rn. maybe it’s bc AKP is such an entertaining actress or maybe it’s bc I only started watching recently (so I kinda missed out on most of her really unethical behavior) but. there’s something about this fucked up little skrunkly animal of a girl that draws me in sorry.

like esme’s sociopathic snark was funny to me. the whole thing of her being manipulated by her father into manipulating the cassadine men in order to try and break up Ava and nik’s marriage was entertaining to me as a supporter of Women Who Scheme… and she’s doing all of this to gain the attention and affection of her father who is kinda Incapable of Love and is preoccupied with his Ava obsession at all times. like I can get why she would fuck nikolas to try and screw over Ava since to Esme, Ava is the main obstacle standing between her and her father’s love. and Ryan’s manipulation def bled into the way she interacted with the rest of the people she supposedly cared about since she literally alienated herself from the entire rest of the YA friend group by COMMITTING A SEX CRIME???? AND FRAMING TRINA FOR IT???? all to sow discord among them, isolate them, and ESPECIALLY to isolate spencer so she could keep manipulating the shit out of him.

like i think she saw trina, being friendly and reasonable with Spencer, as a threat to her relationship bc she’s insecure as hell and doesn’t have a model of healthy attachment to base her experiences on. and she sees joss and cam being happy together (maybe still wanting cam a little bit bc he was one of the few people she showed a softer side to??) and gets jealous as fuck bc she doesn’t have that kind of happy relationship. so she kills two birds with one stone, records the caoss revenge porn to sabotage their relationship and pins it on trina to isolate her from her friends… except even with all that reasoning behind it it’s still like GIRL??? you really didn’t need to do any of that??? like Ryan didn’t even order her to do that she just picked up a little sociopathic side project for herself. the crazy roots ran deep with this one. god forbid women have hobbies I guess

so to have those roots ripped out of Esme with the amnesia plot, it’s kinda like they sucked out all the meat and left behind a shell of Esme, this panicky waif, this sopping wet animal in the rain, directionless and loveless. I kinda imagine this is just what she was like before she started communicating with Ryan, and with the recent death of her adoptive family she just latched onto the first family she could find, with Ryan, modeling all of her behaviors after his orders. and even after the amnesia she still latches onto the first family she can find, with Laura the maternal figure and Kevin her uncle, who looks just like the father she can’t really remember.

she’s def not a victim tho, despite the two different hostage situations she was in recently. those were mostly her own fault lol. I think for Esme to have any shot at a meaningful redemption she does still need to face the consequences of her actions, whether she remembers them or not. jail time 100% for the revenge porn thing bc even I can’t make an excuse for how yucky that was. but what would really seal the deal for me is if she actually got her memory and a little of her personality back. scared animal Esme is fine and all but I’m starting to miss her snarky side… I think her redemption would be more satisfying if she had to deal with the guilt of her past atrocities and come face to face with everyone she hurt and have them all lay into her.

and I think the specter of Ryan should haunt her. like how she used to hallucinate him telling her to hurt her baby… I think that should be an ever present threat in esme’s head. like esme should def keep her snark and mild criminal behavior, but also when faced with the chance to fully revert to her old ways, she should be actively choosing not to be evil, rather than it just being a byproduct of her blank slate status. also this bitch needs therapy for sure but I’m wondering what impact talking to Kevin would have on her fractured subconscious…

[jessiescourt]

A lot of people might have narcissistic traits but it’s not a disorder until they exhibit what I like to call the narcissist paradox—which is their desperate need to win your affection but once they get it, it’s too much, they feel suffocated by your love so they must sabotage the relationship & retreat to their true self leaving behind a huge mess & this is where the cycle just begins with the NPD. They can’t stand to be a piece of shit & to leave a big mess like that bc this is their fear as an NPD! That deep inside they are a piece of shit & they feel great shame at their core so they race back to you to fix everything & promise they’ll changed & to win you back all over again lol. See it was never about you at all. It was always about them & their inadequacy fears. So they cycle like this over & over until they cause so much damage or the person finally wises up & realizes this guys never going to change no matter how many times he promises that to you. The only way for an NPD to really get help is to break down this pathology & realize where it stems from within his soul??? & why he self-shames so hard & to teach him to truly love himself. But most people don’t understand this & have no idea how to get help & our medical system really sucks & leaves a lot of people hopeless, unfortunately. Damn maybe I should be a psychologist & help people? I think I could really help a lot of people get over their pathology & implement strategies for improvement….

Really idu why people have such difficulty with NPDs, all you have to do is make them feel inadequate & they are puddy in your hands🤣🤣 bc to the NPD the chase is intoxicating. They don’t like solid, unconditional love, that’s super uncomfortable to them bc deep inside they hate themself remember?? So They love chasing after you & proving their worth to you. If it’s too easy to get you, they are bored & on to the next challenge & consequently this is why they are always fucking things up so bad bc IT GIVE THEM SOMETHING TO FIX. It’s a new challenge all over again to get you to forgive them, lol!!

Also this is why NPDs & BPDs are so attracted to each other— it’s actually their toxic pathologies it’s nothing to do with love no matter how long-winded their fb posts are🤣🤣🚩🚩bc the BPD always has a lot of problems, the normal complications of life are end of the world catastrophes to the BPD, they are most def not a mature adult lol!! They are a little broken child much like the NPD & this is the foundation for their attraction. I REPEAT IT IS MOST DEF NOT LOVE! & in turn all these catastrophes give the NPD lots of challenges to fix! The NPD loves to play superhero & the BPD is always the damsel in distress!!🤮🤮🤮🤮her cats sick & she desperately needs your help now more than ever before!!🤣🤣🤣🚩🚩🚩 do not fall for these manipulation tactics, lol! The BPD is just as toxic as the NPD, they are just really good at playing the victim, as stated above it’s this victim status that attracts the NPD in the first place. They want to play Superman so bad!! & prove to the world they arent this massive piece of shit that they feel like they are inside🤣🤣🤡🤡

🚨🚨if you find yourself in a coupling described above you need to go no contact & work on yourself! This coupling will never make it no matter the grand promises of redemption🤣🤣 & you’ll just destroy each other in the process & then blame each other & take no accountability 🤮😭🔥🔥

[fubukiswifenoimnotjoking]

One Punch Man ship reviews bc I’m bored

WARNING: BIG ONE PUNCH MAN WEBCOMIC AND MANGA SPOILERS

GenoSai: do I even have to say it?? They compliment each other so well and are already besties. They make me so happy and I love their love. Genos literally came into Saitama’s life and brought so much new life and excitement when Saitama thought he’d never get any. Genos gives him love and appreciation all the time and never abandons him. Saitama isn’t connected to his feelings, but he cares about Genos and would do just about anything for him, to keep him safe. Genos constantly teases Saitama and Saitama grumbles and takes it with some banter, Genos is super emotional and Saitama does his best to comfort him, they fucking love shopping together and just hanging out period, they talk about the dumbest shit and somehow they still understand each other with the one brain cell they both share. It takes Genos forever to realize his feelings are deeper and Saitama has to be TOLD by their friends that he should fucking realize his feelings already. Just...I could keep going but I’ll stop! 2718873737839439/10 (let’s not talk about the age gap btw, 6 years isn’t bad and Genos is a legal adult.)

FubuSai: the stereotypical straight ship ppl gravitate to. Eh. I can see it, but at the same time I feel like they don’t completely compliment each other. Are they a hot couple? Duh. But I feel like their pride and communication issues would get in the way. 4/10

TatsuSai: hnghhhh. Someone mentioned this before, can’t remember who, but Saitama literally thinks she’s a child in canon. So that just....makes it gross. Same problems as FubuSai but worse. I’d rather see them as hesitant friends w a weird bond. 0/10

SonSai/SonicSai/idk the ship name: eh, toxic. Cant see them getting past communication issues and pride, again. Plus Sonic wants to kill his ass. Also, I just feel no romantic tension?? Even in fanfic it just falls flat for me. 3/10

MumenSai: a favorite!! Wish I saw it more, it’s very cute. Mumen is so kind and would absolutely be there to help him w self esteem and just help him be a better person period. And Saitama would have a cute little kind guy to tease and open up to. I could maybe see Mumen’s kindness getting on Saitama’s nerves when he’s in a bad mood bc Mumen almost never snaps and Saitama feels shittier, or maybe Mumen being mad at Saitama for being kinda lazy at home while Mumen is working his ass off and he’s like babe I just got home, please stop playing the fucking game and pay attention to me I have a concussion again. Prob too nitpicky on this one, heh, but 8.4/10

Genos x Sonic: wtf? As a crack ship, sure. That’s hilarious. But as a serious ship, 1.3/10 bc I could MAYBE see them bond over their love of my chemical romance or sum.

Anyone x Puri: -128382839287473828739219833468282/10. Fuck Puri.

TatsuKing: eh. Indifferent on this one too. I can see them getting along and Tatsu being the mean but supportive gf in public, but a sweet gf in private. King could be like her calm oasis of video games and sweet blonde shy bf. I sway more towards ace/aro King and queer non binary Tatsu, but this is still good. 6/10

FubuPsy/Fubuki x Psykos/idk: hell yeah!! This series NEEDS more wlw ships, both for me to project onto and to cry over. Prob my fav Fubuki ship, cuz they’ve known each other since they were young and had a tenuous friendship. I didn’t use to ship it until I saw that scene in the wc after the MA arc (u know the one) but here we are. They’re big personalities so any interaction is bound to be chaotic at first, but I really think they’d work. Pride put to the side, Psykos could be someone for Fubuki to finally rely on other than the Blizzard Bunch, someone to confide in, a badass partner to fight monsters with, talk about nothing for hours with, be a super fashionable #girlboss couple with, and someone who would really see her for who she is-especially w Psykos knowledge of her from the past. Hell, Psykos might even know her better than Tatsumaki. Fubuki could be an anchor to her like she currently is in the wc, providing a quiet comfort and making her open up little by little. Would prob be toxic at first bc of the MA arc and their desire for power, but is a very good ship I think. 9/10

Speedal/Sonic x Mumen: an old fav! Sonic would have a hard time not hating Mumen at first bc he’s the picture definition of a hero, sum he hates. But hanging out with him would show him Mumen is a GOOD guy genuinely and he’d be like ohhhh shit I’m in love w this man. Mumen would thoroughly appreciate someone to make him live a little, break some rules and stand up to ppl when they talk over him. He’d DEFINITELY be upset when finding out Sonic is an assassin, but would prob be conflicted bc he knows Sonic is a good person despite that. Would prob make Sonic give up on killing for them to be together. Sucks bc of the assassin thing and bc they haven’t met in canon! So we’re not sure how they’d interact with each other, sigh. 7.4/10

Okamaitachi x Bushidrill: a very underrated ship! To be clear, I headcanon Kama as a trans woman and so does most of the fandom. Anyway, very sweet and already built as a friendship bc of their partnership under Atomic Samurai. I can’t remember who writes fic and makes art of them on tumblr but AAAAA it’s so good! Very sweet. Basically depicted Bushi as a nervous himbo who’s honest about his feelings but scared to say them and Kama as a sweet lady who’s crazy about Bushi. Very sweet. Want more of them!! 6.1/10

OneZon/Zombieman x One Shotter: never even thought of the ship till I saw @megidolan art work! Very wholesome, and from what little we know of Shotter we know he’s a sort of nervous yet strong willed guy, and Zombieman would totally help him calm down bc he’s so chill. I could see them sharing cigarettes and talking shit on heroes while cuddling u know? 7/10 only because I don’t see enough of it but very good concept.

Mumarou/Mumen x Garou: a lot of ppl are gonna hate me for this but....I don’t like it. I’ve tried! I just—idk. I’ve read so many good fics about them that make me like it a bit, but the concept is just eh. I think their relationship is, in most reps, really cliche angsty stuff. I wish I could elaborate I just...gah! Basically, there’s better ships for the both of them imo. Sorry!! 4.3/10

Sonic x Flashy/SonFlash: yes!! Prob my fav Sonic ship. They have soooo much tension, it’s almost worse than Genos’ tension w Saitama. Flashy LITERALLY poisoned Sonic so that he wouldn’t be forced to kill him at the ninja graduation. He cares. They’ll never say it out loud, but they care. They have someone who understands what they went through in each other and someone they’re both so similar to, yet so different from. Sonic is more vocal about his expressions and let’s people know it while Flashy often keeps things to himself, they could really influence the other to be more this or that. I could see a lot of comfort with these two, and not much is needed for relationship development; they already have so much unspoken between them after meeting for the first time in years. Love it. Wish I saw it more! 10/11

KingSai: wonderful! Out of the few ppl Saitama is close to, def my second fav pick for a ship for him. There’s a post saying how Saitama doesn’t cut King off when he’s going on rants about games and stuff bc he’s talking TO Saitama, not at him like Genos tends to do on accident. They’re already great buddies! Saitama could find a shy gamer man who he can talk to about manga and stuff and also a passionate bf who could break out of his shell w Saitama and be himself with no lies. King can have someone to protect him, duh, someone who finally understands his weird sense of humor, and someone to shower him in the love and kindness he deserves when Saitama is in the mood to be all out like that w his affections. Plus he’s Saitama’s anchor and brings him back down when he’s super anxious and depressed and tells him what’s up that he needs to fix without sugarcoating it. Would def have a bunch of inside jokes and go on dates that are just staying inside playing video games all night. Domestic af. 10/10

Fubuki x Mizuki: my first wlw Fubuki ship! Hard to find but very good. Mizuki is this big ball of kindness, energy, and raw power that would make Fubuki go ‘Ohhhhhhh, big pretty lady make brain go brrr.’ I could see Mizuki grounding Fubuki when she’s in over her head, giving her random gifts bc she saw sum and thought of her, doing a marathon run and wildly waving at Fubuki in the crowd, and all around being a dependable woman confident in herself and in love with a mysterious esper. Prob a little shy when it comes to anything physical bc she loves Fubuki so much and is overwhelmed by the realness of being w her. Fubuki gives Mizuki advice on ‘acting like a proper hero’ or whatever and though Mizuki thinks she doesn’t need it, Fubuki still helps her a lot w her career and being taken more seriously by others. Would give Mizuki someone who loves her for who she is and would go wild on her in private when she can be open about her affection, would be someone Mizuki could exercise with and listen intently to Mizuki’s physical knowledge, and would absolutely bandage her when she’s all banged up. Hnghh love this ship. It’s only behind the FubuPsy ship juuuuust a little bc they haven’t met in canon so we can’t be sure about their interactions and stuff. 8.8/10, I love WOMEN

Batarou: how could I go this far without mentioning them?! They have SOOOO much tension in the centichoro fight, like come on. Both snarky assholes who are huge softies one the inside, Badd being the more logical one (still a himbo, tho) and Garou being the more chaotic one. Probably take forever to admit their feelings bc they’re so prideful and stupid <3 flirt through constant wrestling matches and it takes Genos saying ‘they should kiss already, they’re getting on his nerves’ for them to finally realize what’s up. (@rayadraws has a great au where Garou Genos and Badd are a chaotic friend squad and Genos is the only brain of the group, haha. Very good au y’all check it out!) Would constantly pick on each other affectionately and switch into concerned SO when the other is hurt like the big teddy bears they are. Raise Zenko together for sure. Garou would fumble being romantic and Badd would find it both hilarious and cute. 11/12

Zombie mask/Amai x Zombieman:

So. I don’t like Amai Mask and I used to hate him, BUT the webcomic and fic have really helped me calm down on him (he’s still a dick tho), so it’s easier to want to ship him and stuff. Bc of Amai’s anger issues and controlling behavior, I could see this relationship being super toxic and icky—but I think they have some form of understanding that pulls Amai back from being a complete dick, you know? Start off as fuck buddies and slowly form something else from spending companionable time together other than screwing. Zombieman pulls Amai back from his angry fits and soothes him over with his logic. Talk maaaaaad shit about heroes, but only when they’re alone because Zombieman knows Amai will talk loud af about the heroes they’re roasting and Zombie doesn’t wanna stop a fight from happening. Zombieman loves making Amai flustered and has a secret check list in his head of all the things that get Amai red faced. Loves to listen to Amai rant about things for hours and loves to watch his face go through almost cartoon like expressions as he talks. He won’t admit it, but Zombie loves to be spoiled by Amai’s shit tons of cash and often takes rides in Amai’s limos when he wants to smoke and think to himself. Amai has a hard time realizing how his feelings have changed, but gets hit hard with it when he wakes up to Zombie making them breakfast one morning while wearing Amai’s underwear. Amai also loves to spoil Zombie and takes him out to restaurants and buys him cool new weapons on the weekends. @batneko has pretty much gotten me into this ship and I strongly suggest looking at their works! 7.9/10

DemonKnight/Genos x Zero/Drive Knight: I’m pretty sure this used to be a crack ship before the past like 10 manga chapters—and now here we are! Not a fav bc 1. ZERO LEFT GENOS TO SELF DESTRUCT AFTER THEY COMBINED TO FORM THE FUCKING JET HE WAS JUST LIKE lol bye SO LIKE if he left him to die that’s super hard for me to forgive and ship grrr 2. Disregarding the manga’s canon and looking at the wc, while I love the little trip they went on where Zero demonstrated his abilities and helped Genos kill monsters, it’s super sus. He knew alllll of this info on Metal Knight and was super supportive and understanding when Genos said he needed time to think. Like,,,what are his intentions? We know so little about him—is he trying to trick Genos or was he being sincere? THAT STUFF ASIDE, they’re a really fun ship. They’re both huge fucking nerds and can keep up with their talk on robotics for hours, they’re both cyborgs so they understand each other’s pain, and they’re both super cool and angsty. I think they could really settle into a deep bond that can go platonic or romantic, just depends. Genos needs more ppl in his life so hell yeah! Plus, he can really let go with Zero bc they don’t have that teacher/student relationship and Zero, if he’s really a sincere and kind guy like in the wc, can be there for Genos and listen to him. Don’t have much to say on this ship other than @wellthisisembarrassing makes GORGEOUS art of them! 6.3/10

Webuiko/Suiko x Webigaza: YEAH I KNOW THEY HAVENT INTERACTED IN CANON AND WE DONT KNOW MUCH ABOUT THEM BUT HEAR ME OUT. Webigaza—cool af determined cyborg idol who’s surprisingly down to earth when talking with Child Emperor. Suiko—sassy and honest fighter who doesn’t take shit and is very passionate. Suiko would go to talk to Web then immediately freak out bc aaaa she’s way prettier than she thought, she can’t do this! Web would have to gently encourage Suiko to talk and at first is like ‘ah man, must be an adoring fan, ugh I’m so tired. At least she’s hot’ but when Suiko snaps out of her shyness Web is like oh! She’s super cool wtf. Always bump into each other during fights and help each other get fixed up, Suiko using her muscle power to lift Web’s pieces (and give Web a great view of Suiko’s muscles holy SHIT) and Web would patch Suiko up. Not to be stereotypical, but they’re def a masc/femme couple. I love the idea of this ship soooo much and I really hope they interact! 6.6/10 only bc they haven’t met 😭😭😭 look them up on here! There’s some great art of them by a few blogs

Dr. Kuseno x Bang: pretty sure @baldyborg came up with this one! Super cute. Just two old dudes finding a nice friendship in each other, maybe after Bang helps carry Genos to Kuseno’s after a day of fighting. Bang would find Kuseno to be a very cute little nerd man and would be sooo impressed by Kuseno’s mad scientist skills. Kuseno would be super impressed when seeing Bang in action too. They’d prob talk as soon as they meet each other and Genos would be in the background like you guys it’s been an hour, please fix me I’m on the verge of death 🧍🏻Bang would give Kuseno advice on training techniques to teach Genos and advice on making his bodies more martial arts ready or sum, meanwhile Kuseno would give his take on how to be kinder to Garou so that Bang would learn to repair the relationship with a gentleness he’s seemingly lacking (yes I’m talking about the chapter where he and Garou start fighting and Bang is just not doing enough to reach out to Garou, he’s being a callous old man! So yeah I’m still mad about that). Genos and Saitama would prob be out on a date and Saitama would be like oh theres Bang, wonder what he’s doing? Then Kuseno would walk up and kiss Bang and Genos and Sai would be shocked like SIRS 👬 Genos would tell Bang he doesn’t need another adoptive dad and Bang would be like....ok.... I see them retiring in a cottage together and Bang would become a huge softie. Yes I’m actively ignoring chapter 141 of the wc, shut up. 7.6/10

TankTop master x Mumen: they have a nice friendship going on in the manga right now! Just bros supporting bros. Tank is the picture definition of a muscly himbo and Mumen is his cute passionate bf. Also workout buddies af!! Don’t have much to say other than pretty good ship, just not a fav. 5.2/10

To sum it up—

GenoSai: 2718873737839439/10, Batarou: 11/12, SonFlash: 10/11, KingSai: 10/10, FubuPsy: 9/10, Fubuki x Mizuki: 8.8/10, MumenSai: 8.4/10, ZombieMask: 7.9/10, Dr. Kuseno x Bang: 7.6/10, Speedal: 7.4/10, OneZon: 7/10, Webuiko: 6.6/10, DemonKnight: 6.3/10, Okamaitachi x Bushidrill: 6.1/10, TatsuKing: 6/10, TankTop Master x Mumen: 5.2/10, Mumarou: 4.3/10, FubuSai: 4/10, SonSai: 3/10, Genos x Sonic: 1.3/10, TatsuSai: 0/10, anyone x Puri: -1283828319833468282/10

If there’s any ships I left out, it’s bc I don’t know them, don’t wanna talk about them, or just don’t have an opinion strong enough. Also, I know there are some poly ships like Genos x Saitama x Fubuki, but I’ve read only one fic about that (it was pretty good, here’s the link https://archiveofourown.org/works/5406992 ) so I don’t feel like talking about it. Hope no ones offended! All my opinion here :)

[pigstepmp3-moved]

Headcanon for how they get together? do they start having sex and pretending it's just for fun or do they jump straight into the angst of 'it's too complicated I'm a guy you're a guy and we even work together'? And how to the others find out? I'm pretty sure it'd be a big deal with the cap because he can't have one of his team who's more worried about his boyfriend than the job they're currently on, I don't see him approving, at least initially.

as im sure we All know, theyre gonna get together at bathenas wedding. and as much as buck Wants to sleep w eddie right away, he also wants to do things right by him, and that involves taking it slow and Not sleeping w eddie from the get go. i think theres def a significant amount of angst, at least on bucks part, bc of a few different reasons: 1, buck is Convinced that eddies super straight. 2, buck Knows that eddie and shannon are trying to make things work, and he does NOT want to be a homewrecker. 3, even on the off chance that eddie Isnt straight (and, spoiler, eddies a raging bisexual, just not as open abt it as buck can be), hes also one of bucks Closest friends, and he doesnt wanna ruin that friendship bc hes so terrible w feelings. 4, eddies got a KID. that makes things significantly more complicated. and 5, they WORK together. if they end up breaking up sometime in the future, it could make things a whole lot more awkward at work. and if its a Super Painful breakup? theres gonna be animosity out the wazoo that’ll make work SUCK. 

anyway. at some point, eddie and buck find themselves sitting and talking about everything and nothing all at once. eventually, eddie says that him and shannon are getting a divorce. they still love each other, of course, but they just dont love each other like they used to. they still wanna work things out, tho, so that both of them can continue to be a significant part of each others lives. buck is immediately all !!!!!, but he keeps it together, tells eddie that hes sorry that things didnt work out like he had wanted them to. at that point, eddie gives him a funny look that has buck feeling warm and fuzzy all over. eddie tells him that a HUGE part of why him and shannon are getting a divorce is that eddies in love with someone else. buck kinda. deflates. but ultimately, hes happy for eddie. he wants eddie to be happy, no matter who hes with. buck asks who it is, trying his best not to sound like a jealous brat. eddie quietly tells him, “it’s you. it’s always been you.” bucks heart is EXPLODING in his chest at that point. he asks, almost silently, “really? you love me?” with this hopeful, small smile that makes eddie break out into the most blinding grin bucks ever seen. eddie carefully takes his hand, interlocks their fingers, and instead of answering with actual words, he just leans forward and kisses buck, gentler than hes ever been kissed before. buck hardly pays attention to maddie, chimney, and hen cheering and whistling at them, bc who cares what everyone else is doing, hes kissing eddie freaking diaz!

later on, after buck and eddie have defined their relationship (aka buck walking into the station and yelling “EDDIES MY BOYFRIEND” to everyone, leading eddie to blush and hide his face bc wow, subtlety is SO not bucks strong suit), bobby sits them down to discuss the logistics or w/e. bobby tells him that this relationship can NOT affect the way they do their jobs in anyway. basically, if theyre gonna be more focused on helping each other than on doing their jobs properly, then he cant condone this relationship. buck KNEW this was gonna happen. buck KNEW bobby was gonna discourage it at some level. but eddie, being the levelheaded superhero he is, promises bobby that the only thing thats gonna change at work is how they act around each other at the station. other than that? they are PROFESSIONALS. theyll worry about each other a lil more, yeah, but theyre not gonna let that deter them from focusing on the job at hand. bobby stares at them for a long time before standing and turning to leave, but before he walks off, he tells them, “im happy for you two. im glad youre finding the happiness you both deserve in each other.” after he walks away, buck does NOT cry at all, why would he do that? his literal actual dad just said that he approves of their relationship, its nbd, hes FINE (no hes not. its so obvious how Not fine he is. eddie thinks its adorable how happy bobbys approval is making him)

[docbe]

Hey so I jus got out of a relationship and the way she was just able to let it go so fast (I’m talking a literal day)... it makes me sad but also just, confused? Floored? Bc i didn’t realize it before her but I’m demi and it takes sO much mentally to even get into the ‘I’m interested in you physically now” stage and we had that. And... idk do you find it to be similar? That non-Demi ppl just fucking floor you with their thank u, next mentality?? I’m envious of her I rlly am

Hey anon, sorry to hear that about your relationship :( I think like...idk it’s a little hard to say...

First off, I think there’s def a lot of ppl who latch on strongly and can relate to that who aren’t demi. I think like, one of the things that trip ppl up with demi vs non-demi is the difference between lack of attraction vs hesitance to act on attraction...like I don’t think demi is directly equivalent to the drive to get into relationships or the pacing once someone has one. There’s a lot of ppl who prefer serious relationships and take a lot of care to cultivate relationships before moving into emotionally/physically intimate areas, and that might be because of their principles or anxieties or values or misgivings, and not presence/lack of attraction or attachment...and I think it’s worth noting that ppl who are very quick to move on or are quickly attracted to many new people are in some ways on the opposite end of a spectrum and not so much a representation of a norm, even tho I feel like popular media tends to paint it that way

That being said, I have kind of found that like...break-ups or a breach in the commitment of a relationship can sometimes affect me longer or more deeply than others? And not even romantic/sexual ones sometimes--I’ve had disturbances in friendships that have kickstarted some v deep hurts, at times without other parties even really noticing. 

And I think like, one part that I really notice is that any time a relationship of any type has a break off, I have to kind of resign myself to at least a year (much longer in terms of romantic/sexual) before I’d be able to find a relationship to replace it, just on the basis of how I attach to people. There’s all this advice about meeting people, finding people with similar interest, etc. and I’ve tried all that, but I’ve kind of found that that advice is generally geared towards overcoming social anxieties or finding similarly minded people...but the emotional closeness doesn’t come for me, even if I’m comfortable. I’ve done a hell of a lot in terms of traditional meeting-people stuff, but it just doesn’t address the issue. I like people, and I don’t feel any sort of apathy or ill-will towards them, I just...don’t feel attraction or intimacy for a very long period after first meeting someone, and that part is something I’m envious of in other people. Frankly, it kind of sucks haha esp when you’re already feeling pretty low from a break and you can’t help but feel like you’re replaceable, but have nothing but isolation to look forward to yourself for probably a year or two 

so tl;dr -- it could be a demi thing, but also some ppl just move on quicker...there are plenty of non-demi ppl who would feel similarly devastated in your position! It’s a bit complicated bc attraction, relationships/commitment, attachment, and emotional/physical vulnerability interplay a lot, and you can’t always tease them apart cleanly

[critical--veins]

Answer all of those horrible questions 🙌🏼

Damn if u say so!

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

yes! I luv my parents v much they’re so supportive of me :’)

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

my parents! lol

03: Do you regret anything?

I regret agreeing to answer all these :) :)

04: Are you insecure?

BOY AM I

05: What is your relationship status?

lonely wit a big fat heart!

06: How do you want to die?

soon?

07: What did you last eat?

I’m eating a veggie burger now & it’s tasty, idk what its made of but it’s tasty

08: Played any sports?

I did competitive cheerleading in high school :-)

09: Do you bite your nails?

no !

10: When was your last physical fight?

I physically fight myself everyday, she’s a fucking bitch

11: Do you like someone?

u see.. I have an underlying crush on a boy I can’t have... that I repress,,, so for the sake of this uhhh nope def not in luv with anyone ,,

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

no, but now I’m intrigued? should I??? am I missing out?

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

lucy

14: Do you miss someone?

yes I miss my best friend & my family sooooo much going to school far away is rlly hard sometimes :///

15: Have any pets?

I HAVE THREE CATS, ANGEL MEEKO AND FINN & THEY’RE WONDERFUL

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

ok real talk,, really good! I met with my adviser to schedule my fall classes & we had such a good talk, she told me I was so organized & it was a lovely conversation, she’s so sweet I luv her. also I took two fucking exams today & I don’t think I flopped on any of those, then I just spent an hour in lab lookin at fish so I’ve had a rlly good productive day & that’s rare bc usually I’m just Sad :) 

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

NO SOUNDS HOT THO

18: Are you scared of spiders?

if they sneak up on me yes! otherwise they’re not the worst! kinda cute!

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

fuck noooooo I’ve grown so much these past two years or so & I still am tbh, don’t wanna relive all that shit lol

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

if by snog u mean kissed.. uhhhh chili’s parking lot ahahasdkalk

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

I’m going on a day trip to boston on saturday to go to the aquarium?? never been to boston so that’s exciting & aquariums are so fuckin cute.. then sunday I’m going to a hardcore show w my friend for a band called boundaries & I luv those guys :) 

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

YEAH PROBABLY LIKE 2

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

just my lobes but I want my noseeee so bad

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

I’m a slut for science

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

I miss some friends sometimes

26: What are you craving right now?

fuck man so much affection, I’ve been single for a long ass time now,,, gotta cuddle myself :/ :/

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

yeah it wasn’t all that tho, not a good time lol 

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

no!

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

idk

30: What’s irritating you right now?

college has been really fucking intense & I wanna go home, plus there’s a boy making my life one big shit plate but it’s been this way for like a year so Ii’m fiene :) 

31: Does somebody love you?

I hope lol 

32: What is your favourite color?

GREEN :) 

33: Do you have trust issues?

I’m kind of a fool actually & I trust too easily so if anyone wants to hmu & tell me how to distance myself without missing him that’d be gr8 lol. . 

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

damn this is bouta fuckin expose me! I dreamed about the boy from q33 & q30 bc he has broken my brain! it was a nice dream tho, my dreams are the only time it’s nice hahahahahasdoiflksdjfl

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

I don’t often cry in front of ppl but I think the last time I did was in front of my parents bc they were helping me pay for school. they give me so much I felt really bad but so thankful at the same time & just had a fucking meltdown lol, college is expensive it’s real fucked

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

IF I HAD TO SUM UP MY PERSONALITY IT WOULD BE “gives out second chances too easily” LOL

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

forgetttt

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

god I fuckin hope not

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

I was 16 I was rlly old, bc ulgy & introverted

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

no but again, should I ?

51: Favourite food?

mac & cheese will forever be the most superior food & u can’t change my mind

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

absolutely not lol

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

uhhhh I was listening to balance & composure, and la dispute & staring at the wall bc that’s all I do

54: Is cheating ever okay?

I’m gonna say no but if it DOES happen, pls don’t stay with that person, break up with them, be honest, just don’t continue on like nothing happened bc if you’re cheating you obv don’t care enough about the person to be able to have a real healthy & sustainable relationship. 

55: Are you mean?

I never fucking talk

56: How many people have you fist fought?

zero (see above answer)

57: Do you believe in true love?

I believe the human brain is weird as fuck & if you wanna believe in true love you can have it, but the other person has to be on the same page u kno what I mean?? is true love real? no. but is anything real? also no. 

58: Favourite weather?

I’m a summer hoe til I die! gimme sunshine & fucking HEAT

59: Do you like the snow?

I do loveeeeeeeeee the snow tho it’s so pretty, I just love being outdoors & I get cold easily so summer is my shit. 

60: Do you wanna get married?

I WANNA GET MARRIED RIGHT FUCKING NOW

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

it’s the best

62: What makes you happy?

music, art, nature, my friends & family

63: Would you change your name?

I like the name lucy! I just wish whenever I tell ppl my name’s lucy they didn’t respond by telling me about a dog they knew named lucy (it happens almost every time lmalkdfj) 

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

all I think about is kissing the last person I kissed, it’d be the best thing lol 

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

idk man, I’d be like “thank u” 

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

yes!

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

the fucking boy I’ve been complaining about for every question lmao

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

probably my friend emily! we always get deep it’s gr8

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

I do not at all actually

70: Is there anyone you would die for? 

DIE FOR MY FRIENDS YO

thank u for tha ask sorry if my answers suck :)

[sebwrites]

               bailey x xander ;;  @delusionaliisms

who is more likely to hurt the other? physically? xander for sure. emotionally? maybe bailey because she can be really cruel when she’s upset.

who is emotionally stronger? idek 

who is physically stronger? def xander 

who is more likely to break a bone? obvi xander tho

who knows best what to say to upset the other? bailey like knows how to be a brat and annoy him but xander definitely knows what to say to rile bailey up and make her upset

who is most likely to apologize first after an argument? i think it would depend on what the fight was about really, who started it, who’s more affected by it, etc. 

who treats who’s wounds more often? we did a whole thread on this --- bailey always cleans xander’s wounds. but i’m sure if bailey got a papercut or something, xander would make sure she was taken care of..

who is in constant need of comfort? they both are but for different reasons. bailey is just needy and always seeks comfort and affection, but when xander needs comfort, bailey is quick to wrap him up in a hug and just hold him for hours. bailey probably seeks it more, but xander also just sometimes needs to take some time for himself

who gets more jealous? literally prob both of them again. like they both get jealous if the other is looking at another guy/girl and the other is like “relax i love you” but then of coure they have to have hot jealous sex so i think it works out for them both

who’s most likely to walk out on the other? again, i think it would depend on like the fight or whatever. bc bailey has thought about it, like when they fight, but part of that is just because she doesn’t do well in a negative space and needs some time alone, but i don’t think either of them would nessarily walk out to like end the relationship 

who will propose? bailey would definitely want xander to

who has the most difficult parents? idek

who initiates hand-holding when they’re out in public? probably xander and it makes bailey blush and get all shy but she secretly loves it and on the rare occasion that she’s feeling possessive she’ll grab his hand as they walk by a pretty person just like “he’s mine”

who hogs the blankets? bailey bc she’s lil and needs to be kept warm. but i’m p sure xander’s a furnace and keeps her warm and toasty and like he’s prob not going to just pull the covers off her bc he’s wHIPPED

who gets more sad? i think bailey would get more outwardly sad, and xander would hide his feelings a bit more. but bailey would encourage him to show his emotions more and tbh they prob fight about it (ft. lots of “you can cry in front of me! i’m not going to break” “no, i’m fine”)

who is better at cheering the other up? either of them? xander calls her baby girl and she can’t help but feel better and curl up in his lap like a kitten and  like bailey just pokes at xander’s tummy until he smiles, or she sucks him off or something like that. 

who’s the one that playfully slaps the other all the time after they make silly jokes? bailey bc she finds xander hilarious and if xander slapped bailey, she’d have a bruise for a week (they’ve tried it - it happened)

who is more streetwise? oh for sure xander no doubt

who is more wise? xander is definitely more streetwise ^^ but bailey is probably more socially wise like she’s the one that makes xander introduce himself to new people and pinches his arm when he starts to say something he shouldn’t be

who’s the shyest? bailey? just like in public and with sex and stuff

who boasts about the other more? they prob boast about each other lbr. like bailey’s like “my bf is a baddass and has a great dick take that” whereas xander’s like “yeah she’s sweet and pretty and makes me clothes”

who sits on who’s lap? bailey sits on xander’s all. the. time. imagine xander in bailey’s lap lololol he’d squish her like a bug

[dekumidoriyall]

This is gonna be all over the place bc it's just me sorting out my thoughts and sifting through things. It may not even be cohesive or clear, but it'll help me.

I honestly want to cry but there's no reason for me too. It just sucks that Everytime i make a little character progress, it's like only my mistake matters and I "haven't changed". Suddenly my mistake becomes who I always am, even when it's something I've lessened in frequency, duration, and even overall, scale. But the Lord sees me. He says keep changing and growing, not for anyone else but Him. And even if it still remains in me a little, I can still work on it. And even if no one else notices, He does. He sees my heart, He knows me. And I must keep going.

I wish I remembered which sermon this stemmed from. God is good, bc I'd be beating myself up way worse (not to say I'm not, but slow progress ia progress) but sometimes you hear a sermon or read a verse that isn't relevant right now, but it strengthens your spirit, and its useful at the right time.

I think I prayed for the wrong relationship this morning during my bible study. I'm learning about the fruits of the spirit and it said to pray about a relationship that you feel you aren't showing gods gift of love in the biblical sense. But today's little scuffle shows that some weeds that suffocate that Good Love, goes unnoticed some times. I prayed about me and my dad's relationship. But these weeds of small jealousy in my relationship with AJ, I thought were being maintained, but I didn't see the roots, And that's dangerous.

I get why it bothered me, and I get why it shouldn't. And it's not because the smiley doesn't matter to him, it's just bc it shouldn't matter at all. At the root of jealousy I guess I would say is lack of trust. Which sucks bc that means I'm doing the whole cognitive dysfunction thing. Bc I SAY I trust him and inside I do. But by getting upset, that's like the opposite??? So my actions and feelings and words aren't matching up (this sermon i remember) which is lame as heck. But I guess this whole conversation brought it to light, and so now I guess I can dissect it.

Outburst about smiley face stems from small jealousy which stems from insecurity or lack of trust or both. I felt secure tbh, which is why I wanted to bring it up, just so I could understand and not be upset about my assumption which is what he asked me to do??? He said wouldn't you rather be upset about facts than feelings. And so I ask about it instead of staying upset internally about something I misinterpreted, and suddenly I'm the worst. /:

And of course now it's all good, but I mean idk, first I get railroaded when i internalize it, and then I get put down when I do exactly what he asked?? And of course it's all good now and apologies were made, but I still don't know how to go about it all now, it just leaves me.confused.

But I shouldn't get jealous in the first place, which we are getting back to trust thing, which I do, but I guess maybe I dont say anything when the jealousy does get sparked. Maybe doing nothing about it, not acting out on it, nor bringing it to his attentions and just letting it be is better? Maybe it won't fuel it? Idk. I really don't know what to do and it sucks. I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to feel second. And idk which stems, bc I think maybe there's more to it, maybe it also stems from selfishness. He says I don't get jealous of guy friends and that's bullshit. Sometimes I do get a lil hurt when I hear about him hanging out with other friends in general. I just am.able to tell myself that's ridiculous a lot faster and not let it fester. And that's not good either and so all around jealousy is a mess, and I hate that it has it's thorns in my heart

Most of all, it's a fruit of the flesh. And it's not at all something I want to flirt with. All of it is. Selfishness and jealousy and insecurity, those are literally all the opposite of what agape Love is. And love is the first and most important fruit of the spirit. It's what we all ought to strive for in our lives and relationships with everyone, platonic and romantic. It's what I've been studying every morning this week. So maybe this discussion happened at a good time. I maybe wouldn't have been able to reflect as well if this had come up sooner.

So I need to just continue nipping these negative feelings in the bud. In hindsight, I maybe could've compromised with myself. Bc at this point in my journey to become selfless and get rid of these lame flesh based fruits, not saying anything at all might have backfired. There are some thing's, like the call or lunch or working out, that i can nip now that I wouldn't have been able to before, but this little thing meant more in my head. But my compromise with myself would have been to have brought it up better. I didnt use a great tone, even though my intentions were only to bring myself clarity, it wasn't to scold or make ykw feel bad for anything. But it def came across as such. /: I could've used a better tone, a better volume, and worded it much better. Like "hey I noticed there was a smiley next to her name as well as mine, and this is how it made me feel" and then he would've gone through the same thing and showed me all the smileys. Would that have been better? Would he still think the same? Would the outcome have changed? Or would he still say something about my jealousy? I dunno. /:

But God knows I'm trying. And I still will. I just pray I get more light on what I can do or what I should do when I do start to feel that way, so that it doesn't affect any aspect of my life or relationships. I don't want to be like my dad in most regards. And I refuse to inherit his anger, his jealousy, his temperament, closed mindedness, pride, disillusionment, and probs some more i can't think of on the top of my head. And I've done a good job in keeping most of those away from my heart and way of being just because I've always been aware of most of those traits. I didn't even think about the jealousy aspect of my dad before today. Bc digging deeper like where did this start, where did I learn it, etc , I saw it wasn't any of my previous relationships that it stemmed from, I used to have a little jealousy before all of that. So that means dig deeper further. And it led me to my dad and how he would act with my mom sometimes. And I dunno if there is any basis for his jealousy, but there really isn't any basis for mine. Lack of trust in general, sure there's a lil basis, both my exes have been liars, but that still not an excuse. Bc God didn't give us a spirit of jealousy. That's a flesh thing. And I think half of generational curses are just learned behaviors. And of course Jesus gives us the freedom to break any chain, so I am gonna break every single chain that holds me back that won't further the kingdom. Things I don't want my future kids to deal with, ya know? (And it's not all stuff dad did, there are attributes my mom has that I have seen in me that I also watch out for and make an effort to nip) So it's okay that I'm going through this trial and error thing now, it will only make me better and stronger and that's the viewpoint I've gotta keep. I don't have to be who I am,and I will overcome it.

[thebottomoftheapple]

Can’t sleep so...

you know what time it is … (4:35AM)

Time to write.

I’m officially a senior. Wow. lmaoooo how?? idk

Well academically I def took multiple major Ls but tbh I’m not even affected by it anymore (jk i def almost cried when one mf dead came at my life wow). It’s fine. GPA dead doesn’t matter, experience is 🔑, which brings me to my next announcement. I got an internship in Atlanta!! (I def found out in January though lol) Yay! The company does pretty lit shit but they have no type of social media presence which is kinda sus but they def exist so it’s ok lmao. But yeah, hopefully it’s a good learning experience, if not umm I’m def getting my neo to pmo to her brother so her can pmo to a job cause he be schlittyyyy in ATL doing things in my field so I’m excited for that. I didn’t get a scholarship though (womp womp) 🙄 so I’ll be staying with Tio edwin, which sucks cause it’s not my own place and it’s highkey mad deep from the actual city and my internship but whatever it’s free plus home-cooked meals so I’ll be aight. Also I’m driving down there the first weekend of June but ?? how exactly 🙃 Something I’ll figure out later. Hennyways, to rewind a little, yes I have neos now, which is cool I guess. They def make me feel washed but they also take the pressure off me and my line so *shrug* I like them. They also might be the last ones yikes… we’ll see. What else has happened this semester… squad was def beefing but we’re good. I dead love them like that’s definitely family even though they do get me tight sometimes 💚 I got closer to my UG herms (reasons why squad was beefing tbh lmao) We (plus friends) went to Miami, my first real spring break trip, and it was def memorable to say the least lol. I can’t wait to go with squad (plus friends) next year 😩😩 wow I can’t believe this is almost over, like for real. As much as I’ve grown to despise Syracuse, I definitely can’t picture life without it, life after it, which is so sad lmao but everything good must come to an end. In the meantime, I just have to make the most out of this year coming up.

Speaking of….. besides summer in ATL, which is gonna be very different and rewarding hopefully (eh heh get this offer you shnooww) I’m def gonna have OD city FOMO 😭 Especially bc of how lit I was last year (RIP neo summer 😪) ((Also a bitch needs to get fit down there) Also i hope I get a job too bc wtf a bitch needs money forrrrr) ABROAD! Haannn, London Fall 2017 lit! I leave August 28th and come back in December so that’s going to be crazy, very excited for that and our “black london” group seems lit af so it’s definitely going to be an amazing experience 😭😭 And after that I come back for my last semester of college at CUSE *more tears* but if my schedules works out, I’m def going to be dumb lit to end off my college career > Alright let’s not think about that anymore. 

**Also I will be living in a house for the first time ever that semester^^ so that’s exciting**

Back to today - I went to Black Graduation today and it was actually really nice, I def almost teared up smh. My dad, katy, and linesissys are leaving me 😭😭😭 (I’m leaving too kinda but still I’m gonna come back to the chappy like omg 😫) And I packed up most of my room (currently sitting in it now in the dark) and I def a nostalgic moment of when I first moved in here 😭😭 wow I hate how much of a sentimental bitch I am lmaoo. But yeah wow life is really flying by and I still feel like a little kid (pretending to be grown) 

I haven’t reflected on here in a while (what is new) but yeah I’ve been lowkey mad emotional these last couple months (tbh all semester). Mainly about the relationships I have with people. I can’t please everyone and I definitely experienced that first hand this semester. I need to learn how to say “no” more often (which I kinda have but I don’t want ppl to think I’m a selfish bitch 😩 but it’s necessary) I also need to get back to being more personable, that’s prolly not the word I’m looking for, but yeah I dead be a dry ass bitch to people I shouldn’t be but a lot of that was due to the immense amount of stress and beef that I had going on lol but still I suck 😐 But it’s gotten better so that’s all that matters. 

Speaking of being a dry ass bitch ummmm lol no new P in sight 🙂 Awesome. (no old P either hahaha🙂🙂)  lmao but na deadass I’m dead popping. My hair flourishing (thank you biotin) , my skin fluctuates (also thanks biotin) but when it’s good, it’s GOOD (knock on fucking wood bc it’s good rn) A bitch bout to get this chicken, too 👏🏽 (lmao hopefully) I just need to drop a couple pounds, do some dead lifts and I’m lit forever. No but deadass, just eat my butt and talk to me nice.. it’s not that hard.. but everyone here ain’t shit so *shrug* my(his) time will come 😊

Alright it’s not 5:48, it’s still pouring, the sun is coming up, and I have to be up at 8 for Max’ graduation sooooo goodnight! HOPEfully I write again soon.

- Keeks

*Soundtrack: Every Frank Ocean song on my phone lmao