#it was one of the most terrifying and traumatic things i’ve ever been through and i won’t lie — i’m REALLY fucked up over it

[avans-j]

With the resurgence of gravity falls I finally watched it for the first time, and something that struck me and that I’ve been thinking about a lot, is how Ford is just so…… normal?? When he comes back through the portal??? 😭 he acts like he was only gone for a moment, like he went on vacation or something.

Like I understand that it’s a kids show and they didn’t have time to delve into this much, but I like to think about what Ford would have realistically been like upon his return. I mean, the guy was stuck in another dimension for 30 years… there’s no way he didn’t go a little crazy during that time.

I mean first of all, Fiddleford only caught a glimpse of what was on the other side, and it drove him to insanity. Ford actually went all the way through!! And was stuck there!! For 30 years!! Granted he knew about Bill and who’s to say Bill didn’t show or tell him about other worlds during their time working together, so Ford was probably more accustomed to weird and paranormal things than Fidds, but also we have no idea what happened on the other side during those 30 years. And where did he end up? I think it’s safe to assume the first place Ford landed was the nightmare realm, where he would have seen horrifying creatures beyond comprehension. That must have been a little traumatizing, even to a scientist right?

Then you also have to consider what was going through Ford’s head in the moment right after getting sucked through the portal. He probably had to quickly come to terms with the realization that he was never going home. At that time, the only people that knew about the portal were him, Fidds, and Stan. He was stuck on the other side unable to do anything. Fidds was actively going insane and probably never wanted to see the portal again. And Stanley? We know that Stan had enough care and determination to never stop trying to fix the portal, but to Ford his brother was a clutz and not the sharpest tool in the shed, plus they had just had a massive argument. Ford most likely had no hope that Stan could ever fix the portal, or even want to for that matter. He must have felt overwhelming dread, knowing that in a matter of seconds he had lost his entire world, his entire life, and would never go back home again.

So what was he doing on the other side for 30 years? In my mind there are two options. He either immediately went into survival mode, and spent the rest of his life exploring other dimensions and trying not to die. OR he started looking for a way home, either through a new route or trying to build another portal. Clearly that didn’t work because he was stuck there for 30 years. But imagine him trying hopelessly, over and over again, to find a way home. Constantly thinking about the life he lost, getting more and more discouraged every time an attempt didn’t work. After 10-15 years of that you would start to lose it a little.

And then, can we talk about how he returned home?? From what we saw of the portal and other machines under the shack, it was scanning each dimension until it found the one where Ford was located, then upon reactivating it opened a portal there. And Ford immediately came through, which says to me that it must have opened directly in front of or next to him. Can you imagine the confusion, after 30 years of either straight survival mode or trying desperately to get home, one random day a vaguely familiar portal just happens to open next to you?? You step through and just like that, you’re home? That abrupt change must have messed with Ford’s head. He probably wouldn’t think that it was real for a long time. He wouldn’t have recognized his brother, he wouldn’t have believed that he was actually home. It would take a long time to readjust.

But in the show Ford is just so normal, picking right back up where they left off and punching Stan. I feel like realistically, he would have been terrified, paranoid that it was a trick, not trusting anyone. He would have been quick to lash out for a long time, impossible to calm down, and he would definitely have some screws loose. Anyways I just like the idea of insane Ford.

Thanks for listening to my Ted Talk :]

[animeyanderelover]

Hi, may I ask for a au where Itachi, Pain, Sasori, Sasuke and Dabi are vampires? (If it's too mich characters then just Itachi please! And also sorry if my English isn't too good! Thank you)

Your English is good, don't worry. Vampires are always nice, aren't they? I originally planned some basic Headcannons but got hit by a sudden bolt of inspiration, you now can write a story with multiple chapters out of what I’ve written.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessive behavior, obsession, stalking, manipulation, sabotage, isolation, threats, violence, abduction, death, abuse, blood, traumatized s/o in Sasuke’s part

Vampire AU

Pain

🌧️Pain has never left the region where he was born, too attached to the place to leave it behind. His home country is known for it’s rainy weather as sunny days are not that common. The rain has never bothered Pain as it has become his sole companion throughout his lonely and immortal years. He never interacts with humans, even has a slight superiority complex since he sees himself above them. He loves his home though as well as it’s inhabitants since they’re his prey. He has claimed a large territory and since he’s known to be extremely strong, vampires rarely try to hunt on his ground since he can sense them quickly. If a band of thieves tries to wreck havoc and kill his source of food, the vampire brutally hunts them down and feeds from them until they can’t quench his thirst anymore and he disposes of their body. He also uses the constant rain to lure travelers to his hidden home, offering them a temporary place to stay until the rain has at least weakened. Obviously once someone steps inside, they are never heard from again.

🌧️You are one of many silly travelers who crosses his territory. He has control over the weather and worsens it on purpose until you struggle to advance even one step further. That’s when he appears, a coat hiding his face from you as he overs you to stay in his home until the weather has calmed down a bit. You hesitate at first to accept until raindrops start hitting you like a whiplash thanks to the wind and you decide to follow the man. He leads you to a stone cottage, surrounded by mist and large and thick trees. You step inside, notice what little furniture you see until you hear the door behind you being closed and unease crawling up your spine. You turn slowly around to see the man removing his hood and are met with purple eyes and a face full of piercings. His pupils are dilated as he stares right through your soul, taking in the most enchanting scent he’s ever had the luck to smell. It all comes crashing down on you when you see his sharp canines but before you can even do as much as scream, he’s suddenly in front of you, sharp teeth sinking into your neck. The last thing you notice before fainting is the man pulling back with a surprised moan.

🌧️When you come back to your senses, you’re lying in a bed, memories hazy and a dull pain throbbing in your neck. Wait, your neck? That’s when everything hits you and suddenly you shoot up, hissing as the pain intensifies from your sudden movement. Your hand shoots to your neck and you notice the bandages around it. That’s when the door opens and your new nightmare walks in with a tray of food and a glass of water. He scolds you to not move so much, warns you that if you open the wound and start bleeding, he won’t be able to control himself. You stare terrified at him, a vampire. Why didn’t he kill you? As if reading your mind, the man explains the situation to you. It appears like you have a very special and rare type that is exceptionally fine nutrition for his kind. It would have been a waste to suck you dry. Your blood runs cold as you understand what he means. You’re to become his personal blood bag. He puts the tray down in front of you, demands you to consume everything to ensure your health and taste of your blood.

🌧️Your life is essentially not yours anymore as the vampire starts taking care of your health. Enough sleep, nutritious food, enough consumption of water and your hygiene. It almost looks like he cares but you know that he only cares about the blood inside of you. He’s cold to you, not gentle when he bites harshly down and gulps blood until you feel dizzy and faint. If you throw a tantrum, he grips you harshly enough until bruises start to form or uses his hypnosis on you to make you lose consciousness. If he catches you trying to escape, he breaks your leg and tortures you with visions. You hate him but he doesn’t care. Or so you thought. Maybe it is because he never spent as much time with someone before. He starts growing fond of you in a weird way, enjoys your company. He stares more at you, hesitates when he sees your fearful face and even feels a tinge of remorse. He’s less forceful when he takes your blood, massages the stiffness out of your muscles so that it’ll hurt less. He tells you his real name after he’s drank from you again, lost in your scent and warmth as he almost nuzzles against your neck. Yahiko. That’s his name.

🌧️You don’t believe in the nicer change of attitude, he must have ulterior motives. You’re shocked when he pulls you one day into his lap, try to wriggle free before he tells you warningly to not resist as he starts tugging away the material from your shoulder. You tense up, know what will come now but are caught a little bit off-guard by the arm wrapping around your waist. It must be to stop you from squirming away. His other hand starts caressing the skin on your shoulder, previous bite wounds visible as scars. You suppress the noise of pain when you feel the familiar stinging pain and hear shortly how he softly starts swallowing your blood. You’re uncomfortable and in pain, want to get away from him as soon as possible. You think you can as soon as he stopped drinking but the arm around you tightens when he senses you moving away. His grip is strong and unyielding as he mumbles in a deep voice that he wants you to stay for a bit. And for the first time in forever it sounds less like a demand and more like a genuine plead.

🌧️You stay because he won’t loosen his grip. You stare at him warily, heart hammering anxiously against your chest as he starts sniffing your neck, inhaling your scent. You flinch when you see the flash of his teeth, gracing over your drumming pulse. You expect his teeth to pierce your skin once more but are flabbergasted when he merely places a soft kiss on your skin. He starts littering your neck in kisses, the kisses getting harsher as he starts panting slightly against your neck, alarming you to squirm around in his grip as another fear engulfs you. Your efforts are cut off when Pain turns you around so that you face him, lips crashing greedily against yours as he grabs your hands and pins them against his chest. He’s sure that if he’d still have a heart, it would be racing by now out of an euphoria he’s never felt before. You’re breathless as you stare in utter shock at Yahiko who’s watching you with a weird glimmer in his eyes. You almost think that it’s love but that can’t be. That is until he says that he’ll keep you as his mate and lover, promises that he’ll protect you from anything. He says it with a fond voice but you know that he’ll force it on you like he always does.

Sasori

🦂There are humans who fear vampires and people who admire them. Sasori belonged in the latter category. Obsessed with eternal beauty and spiteful about the fact that he’d eventually die out of old age, he searched for a way to extract the poison from the vampires that turned humans into their kind. He abandoned his own humanity to remain youthful and beautiful without one bit of regret. Turning into a vampire made him look down on humans and their emotions, weak and irrational. A morbid hobby started for Sasori when he discovered how to turn a human body into a doll. He starts searching for unique and beautiful people, poisons them and turns them into puppets of different material. He has wax dolls, wood puppets and fine porcelain figures depending on the material he thinks will suit them best. He always extracts all the blood from his victims and stocks it until he consumes it. Often in fine wine glasses. He travels around to search for new pieces for his collection, prides himself that he has an eye for beauty and uniqueness.

🦂You catch his attention, the worst thing that could happen to anyone. Sasori settles for you as his next victim but something about you still dissatisfies him. He thinks that you haven’t reached your full potential yet so he takes it as his job to guide you to be the most beautiful you can be until you’re worthy of his collection. It isn’t the first time that he’s approached his victims with such motives. Occasionally he isn’t opposed to fooling humans with his charm but only when he sees the price at the end of it all as worthy. He only bothers with you for that reason. You’re his price. He’s an interesting and gorgeous fella, although terribly snarky when you don’t do as he says. You feel drawn to him for some reason though, unsuspecting that Sasori uses his powers on you. He fusses a lot about your appearance, advices you to try a new haircut and throws a small drama when you hurt yourself with a tiny scratch. Terribly impatient too, when he wants a meeting with you he’s already in a bad mood when you turn up a few minutes too late.

🦂The whole friendship thing isn’t supposed to be anything more than that but you seem different from the average person he’s murdered. Your smile as fleeting as breathtaking, the twinkle in your eyes when you’re amused about something and your own quips appeal to him. He wouldn’t be able to capture that part of your beauty if he were to turn you into a lifeless puppet and when that thought crosses his mind for the first time, he’s startled. What is wrong with him all of a sudden? He never cared about that before. He grows bitter for a while, can’t come to terms with the fact that he might have gained feelings for you. He notices so much about you and the more he sees, the more special you become for him in return. Over time he becomes obsessed with you though. Everything about you is memorized and every smile and dazzling laughter is remembered as Sasori starts feeling funny when in your presence. He’s never felt like this before, he’s a bit overwhelmed. He’s torn apart all of a sudden, knows that this can’t go on like this forever though. The next time he comes over to your house, he poisons you.

🦂You scream when you wake up inside a glass box, wearing clothes that make you look like the doll of some rich kid. You barely have enough space to stand and can’t open the damn thing. You panic, tears in your eyes as you fear to suffocate in this thing until you notice someone standing before you. It’s dark, a few candles barely lightening everything. You beg for help, pound your fists against the glass. The person steps closer, close enough for the candles to illuminate their face. You’re confused but also relieved when you see Sasori. Casual clothes are changed with a fine suit, a wine glass in his hand as he musters you instead of helping you. This continues for a while where you start feeling the lack of oxygen before a sigh leaves his lips. This won’t do. You just wouldn’t look as pretty as you are now if you’d be a doll. One snip of his fingers and the box around you disappears as you collapse on the ground, gasping for air. You manage to look up at him, asking him shakily who or what he is. He shakes his head softly. Such a naïve thing. You still haven’t realized? One flash of his fangs is all the realization you need.

🦂You’re kept in this castle of his after, Sasori still confused what to do with you now. He can’t transform you into a puppet but doesn’t want to let you go either. You’re too much of a gem. To your horror you notice that all the servants are puppets to which Sasori explains that they were once human before he changed them. Puppets are much more efficient. They don’t get tired and don’t annoy him with stupid questions. The vampire still takes care of you but it has enhanced now that he’s returned to his place. All your old clothes are thrown away as he insists you to wear the finer clothes he has. You get all sorts of soap and lotions and take meals with him. He just watches you though, occasionally taking a sip from his glass of blood. He styles you himself if he feels like it, using different accessories for your hair and even using makeup on you if he thinks that it will suit your beauty. He hasn’t sucked your blood so far, you’re almost thankful for that but he still keeps you so you don’t want to be relieved just yet. You don’t know what he plans to do.

🦂He treats you like a human doll, keeps you clean and pretty for his own eyes. On that particular night he insists on a little dance in one of the rooms and is over the top enough to even let a few puppets, in their human times musicians, play instruments. You can’t look at those dolls which Sasori scolds you for as you still haven’t appreciated his art. He doesn’t rant about your ignorance too long though as he just enjoys the dance he has with you, swirling you around. You follow his lead silently, too afraid to do anything else. You’ve had bad experiences since he isn’t a patient person when it comes to you being a brat. You look at the floor to avoid looking into his eyes until you feel him pulling your arm closer to his face. You would have stopped moving but it’s like your limbs are being moved by something, forcing you to move along, even as Sasori’s fangs pierce your hand wrist. Your cry adds somehow beautifully to the music playing as Sasori consumes your blood for the first time, sighing blissfully as he pulls away. As he expected, even your blood tastes divine. He found perfection in you, he’s sure as a vampire you’d look absolutely ethereal.

Itachi Uchiha

🍡Itachi was never meant to have a long life in the first place. Diagnosed with heart problems and dysfunctional organs, every doctor told him that he most likely wouldn’t even reach his late twenties. His whole family desperately searched for a cure but Itachi accepted the grim reality at one point and decided to enjoy the short life he would have. Sadly he had caught the eye of a vampire at that time who was unwilling to let someone as attractive and talented as him die. As a vampire he’d surely blossom. They appeared before him during one of his sick and fragile phases, at that time Itachi thought that he was suffering from a fever dream. Only when he felt sharp teeth sinking in his arm and a burning pain washing all previous agony away did he realize that this was real. After having nearly attacked his own family out of hunger, he fled. Decades of isolation and wandering around until he eventually settled in a forest. Itachi refuses to feed from humans, hunts mostly animals down. Only in rare cases drinks he human blood and those people are mostly bandits and criminals. The region tends to be dangerous due to many rogues and thieves after all.

🍡People in your village love the gossip of the mysterious forest spirit some people have claimed to see throughout the years. A beautiful man with long, black hair. You don’t really believe in ghost stories but even some older people confirm that they’ve seen the same man so that awakes your curiosity. You decide to set out in the forest to solve this mystery. You are aware that it’s risky with the wild animals and possible bandits but you are determined. The first few weeks, you spot nothing unusual but love the nature nevertheless. You’re unaware that this so called forest spirit has long since noticed you and observes you carefully. You aren’t the first one who has done this but you’re the first one who has lasted that long. Others gave up and returned, although that may be because by now you’ve started exploring the forest in general. It’s somewhat endearing when you get all shinny-eyed when you discover deers, birds or a field of beautiful flowers. The forest is essentially Itachi’s home by now so he’s proud that you love it so much.

🍡The vampire stalks a lot with the excuse that he wants to make sure that nothing happens to you. That’s half of the truth, despite it’s beauty the forest can still pose quite a threat if you run into an agitated animal or rogues who want to rob you of your belongings. Deep down he knows that he just doesn’t want to be all alone anymore. It’s shameful that he’s gone to the point where watching a human makes him feel less lonely but he’s endured decades of no social interaction. He has to avoid you though, he knows the public opinion about vampires. You’d fear and hate him and he might hurt you. It’s not until one night where you stray away from the camp with the fire you set up and don’t find the way back that he goes near you for the first time. You only see him as a shadow standing in the distance, watching you before he starts walking away and you follow him, afraid to be left alone. You somehow are unable to catch up to him, the distance between you two never shortening. But before you know it, you see the light of your fire. You stop, starstruck, when you see a man standing in front of it. His beautiful features illuminated. Your eyes meet shortly, then he disappears.

🍡You’re searching for him the next few days intensely, the spirit of this forest but are unable to find him. You eventually give up, deduce that he probably won’t show his face to someone who looks for him as pestering as you do. You’re a bit sad but accept that. Out of gratitude for his help, you start carving the following days for hours with your blades little figures out of the wood and string them together as a bracelet. You just put it somewhere and leave only to check the next morning again to find out that it’s not there. Instead you find wristband made out entirely of flowers in it’s place and realize flattered that he prepared it for you. This little tradition continues as you sometimes wake up to find little gifts for you. You also deduce that the man is more comfortable around you when you start seeing him more. He never speaks to you but shows you hidden places you haven’t discovered yet, seemingly enjoying to show you around. You always notice that he’s wearing your bracelet and it makes you really happy.

🍡This special bond is strained when you one day stumble upon a road that leads through the deep forest after having heard noises. You realize too late that it’s a bunch of bandits who see you and instantly chase after you. You run back in the forest as fast as you can, for the first time terrified since entering this place. You trip when something hits you in your shoulder, causing pain to erupt as you let out a cry of agony. When you twist your head, you see an arrow stuck deep inside. You force yourself to stand up and continue to run, pulling on the arrow and letting out another scream of pain when you manage to get it out of your shoulder, blood seeping out. Where is the spirit? Is he currently not watching you? You know it isn’t his job to babysit you but you can’t help but cry for help when one of the bandits catches up to you and grabs you painfully by your wounded shoulder. You close your eyes and silently wait for the worst only to hear multiple shouts of shock and fear, accompanied by a vicious snarl as the arm is removed from you. When you turn around, you see Itachi standing protectively in front of you, the bandits staring at him with fear. Something is off.

🍡When he launches at the bunch, carelessly kicking the first one away with brutal force that instantly kills him, you see his face. His eyes are red, the normally calm and serene look in them turned into a wrathful and murderous flame. When he grabs one of them and suddenly bites into their neck, sharp fangs on display, comes your world crashing down on you as you finally see the truth. He’s a vampire and no spirit of the forest. You’re frozen out of shock, unable to avert your eyes as Itachi slaughters everyone and sucks their blood. He’s in a blood rush, eyes unfocused and hazy when he turns to you, chin covered in blood. Your scent penetrates his senses as he finds himself craving a taste of your sweet blood. You burst out in tears when he launches himself at you and forces you to tumble down with him on top of you. You feel his teeth about to sink into your skin when he suddenly stops, harshly breathing before he pulls back and bites down into his own arm, fangs tearing into his own flesh. He looks vulnerable in that moment but you don’t care, too afraid. You want to run but never get the chance as he’s swift to act, using his powers to make you go unconscious in his arms. His heart is in total turmoil but he doesn’t want to let you go.

Sasuke Uchiha

💙Revenge tends to blind you and causes you to lose sight of what is important. Sasuke knows better than anyone. He wanted so badly revenge for the murder of his family and was willing to go to the depths of hell for his goal. He trained relentlessly and pushed away all friends and people who cared for him. So when he one day got an offer from a vampire who promised him great power and strength, Sasuke didn’t hesitate. He endured the pain of transformation and had no problems adapting to his new thirst for blood. It was far easier to hunt down information now as he had gained special powers and only weeks later did he find them. Only that they were already at death’s door, an illness the cause. Sasuke was furious, it was unacceptable that they would die without paying the consequences. He visited them when they were alone at night only to find out the truth. His new powers allowed him to get to know what had really happened. They were innocent, the culprit was another who they had already avenged for Sasuke and his family since they had known the Uchiha very well. He had essentially given up his humanity for nothing. He was doomed to live lonely for eternity.

💙You’ve been a personal blood bag for a rowdy and sadistic vampire for years now and have given up hope completely. There is no life in your eyes anymore and you just comply with their every demand, endure all the pain and torture. When your owner gets into a conflict with another vampire crossing their territory, you hide from the scene. Your owner would only get angry if another vampire would discover you. You can’t help but think that they’re stupid since the man clearly has no interest in a conflict but they’re too arrogant to notice. When they touch him, the man warns them sternly once that he’ll kill them if they don’t let go. Obviously such a threat doesn’t sit well with your master who curses at them and grabs the man harshly by the collar. Within seconds they’re overpowered, a big gap in strength and experience as Sasuke rips the younger vampire apart. He warned them, it’s their fault. He then looks at your direction and tells you to come out, he’s long since noticed you. You’re a pitiful thing to look at, clothes torn and old, hair dirty and the smell of sickness following you. He knows why they kept you, you’re from rare blood. They didn’t take good care of you though.

💙Sasuke takes you with him after, seeing it as sort of naturally since he won so he gets what the other vampire wanted to hide from others. You’re silent when he tells you that you’re going to travel with him from now on but trail behind him nevertheless. You don’t know where your home is anyways and years of being alone with a sadistic vampire has dulled your social skills. You don’t have high expectations on your new vampire owner. He’s just keeping you for blood too. But you’re mildly surprised when you notice that he at least cares more for your own hygiene and health. He gets you new clothes, makes sure that you’re properly cleaned and tries to get you nutritious food. He’s sort of awkward so you guess that he hasn’t interacted with a human for a long time, much less has taken care of one. You gain a bit more health and your physical condition improves nevertheless. You are prepared when he wants to taste your blood, are a bit flabbergasted that he waited for you to be a bit more healthy again in the first place. Your previous owner never did that. You’re somewhat used to the pain although Sasuke gets quickly a bit rougher when your addicting blood hits his tastebuds.

💙He assumes your quiet and obedient behavior is a result of years of violation and abuse from the vampire who previously kept you. You’re somewhat dependent on Sasuke as you are unfamiliar with the world around you, you’ve mostly been caged for your life. He doesn’t mind, is actually pleased that you listen so well to him. Surprisingly enough Sasuke starts educating you when he finds out that you barely know the basics, a slightly sick feeling bubbling up in his stomach when he hears just how young you’ve been when you were taken. Would he have done the same? You barely speak and don’t seem to seem communication with others as necessarily important. You lack the experience and Sasuke himself has been alone for so long that he doesn’t know how to start a free conversation either, especially with you. You just hang around him and that seems to be enough for you. You surely are a bit strange, stare at him with those empty eyes and when he has to leave you alone, you wait patiently without moving from the spot. You used to spent days alone stuck after all.

💙You two are basically inseparable since you travel together. Months pass by, months where Sasuke senses a subtle change in you. You start opening up. Your emotions have been locked away for eternities to save you from a mental meltdown but under his care and the many travels you slowly learn to be a human who can feel something again. There is a spark of life in your eyes again, a childlike curiosity for the wonders around you. You get silently giddy when you see a river or butterflies. It would be almost ridiculous if Sasuke wouldn’t know of your circumstances and he allows you to wander around a bit and seek out a world you weren’t aware of. He knows that you won’t stray away, you’re too dependent for that and somehow it warms his own heart to see that you slowly recover. He himself has grown a weak spot for you, emotions piling up inside of him which he still struggles to adjust to. Falling in love with a human seemed ridiculous to him after becoming a vampire yet you surprised him. You’re only his.

💙You’re surprised when he asks you one day that question, shuffling closer to you, whilst you’re watching the fire burning brightly in front of you. “You only need me, right?” You look at him with your stoic face although there’s a spark of confusion in your eyes. Then you tilt your head slightly, a endearing habit you recently picked up. Then you just nod which causes a weird sensation to raise in his chest. You only have him after all. You don’t move when he leans closer, eyes half-lidded as he presses his lips against you. Experimental at first before he suddenly becomes harsher, grabs your head and pulls you closer as you feel sharp teeth sinking into your bottom lip, pulling slightly. The pain has you flinching shortly before you still, the taste of iron filling your mouth. His tongue flicks over your lips, taking in all of the divine blood he can get. He’s panting slightly when he pulls away, a genuine smile on his face. You’re such a good darling for him. He’ll treat you good, he promises. He’ll never let anything separate you, not even death. You’ll always be his.

Touya Todoroki

🔹Stories in the little village have it that in the old and burnt-down mansion in the forest lives the ghost of the oldest son of the family that used to resist in there. That’s the reason why no one dares to step anywhere near it, especially since people in the past started disappearing in the area around it. Some even tell that they’ve seen blue fire igniting out of nowhere at times. This so called ghost is in reality Touya, the son of the Todoroki family and only survivor after a terrible fire that occurred one night during the attack of a vampire. Every single one of his family was either killed by the vampire or was burnt to death. He suffered severe wounds at that time too, burning himself terribly and he was that close to death’s door if it wouldn’t have been for the vampire admiring the fact that despite all the injuries, he could still move. Out of some semblance of respect they decided to turn him but not even the advanced healing of a vampire could completely heal Touya as scars still stayed. It’s a bitter ironic of fate that his abilities as a vampire include controlling blue flames.

🔹You travel to the village because a acquaintance of yours told you about the old rumors. You have a thing for paranormal activities so you decide to pay a visit and investigate a bit. If you can catch a real ghost on camera, you’d be really happy. You believe in stuff such as ghosts and vampires and want to prove their existence to every friend of yours who doesn’t believe you. This isn’t the first time you’ve gone to a place where rumors exist but it’s the first time you’ve heard of such an old story. Not to mention that many of the villagers believe in it too so it’s the first time you’re surrounded by people who don’t make fun of you for thinking that things like ghosts and fairies exist. You’re still the crazy one as no one would ever dare to stay inside the mansion what is exactly your plan. It’s abandoned anyways and you don’t have a lot of money in your pockets so it’s easiest to just camp inside the old building. You have all your equipment and your food in cans so you’ll be fine. Everyone else in the village strongly objects, tells you that you’ll die.

🔹Most seem to give up when noticing your persistence and just label you as demented. You don’t mind though, you’ve heard that phrase for years now. You only plan to stay for a month where you’ll investigate and see if this place is worth observing permanently before traveling back home again. If you think that there really is something going on, you’ll have to plan for a more permanent stay in this village. To your luck the mansion is still intact which means that you have a roof over your head. Sure, it’s burnt, run-down and plants have started covering the structure but it’s still suitable. The first few days, you spend your time walking around, in awe. You can see the devastating traces of the fire and there’s a haunting sadness as you think about how this used to be once a house with a family. People died in the room you’re standing in and a house once filled with happy memories has now become a ghost house that everyone wants to stay away from. Because no one ever dared entering the house, many objects owned by the Todoroki’s are still here, although most of them burnt beyond recognition.

🔹Touya has by now accepted everything that happened, it’s been over a century after all. He’s finally managed to move away from the house, memories and grief having bound him to it for the first few years after his transformation. These days he’s often wandering around but comes a few times a year back to the place where his life began and also ended. He knows the gossip of the town but doesn’t give a shit. He’s stopped caring about humans for the biggest part, an eternal life has caused him to have empathy issues. He’s forgotten about love, the only things entertaining him now are his lust for blood and the thrill of seeing a human begging and crying when seeing him. He can’t go under humans with his skin and used to be quite insecure about it too. He still is but humans only see the monster in him. So he’s become the monster, it’s easier instead of fighting uselessly to prove that he has still human emotions. He travels back only to find a human resting in his house which baffles him a bit. You’re the first one in years.

🔹It’s amusing to watch you after he realizes that you chase for the supernatural. He’d like to think of you as silly with your equipment to measure paranormal activities but you aren’t wrong. He’s proof of your belief after all. He guesses that he can tolerate you since you respect his old home, he catches you often taking care of the run-down building as good as you can. At times you even silently pray for the dead family. He also loves when you become a bit frustrated because you haven’t seen anything yet. That’s when he decides to entertain you, during one night where you’re outside of the mansion, searching for anything, you nearly drop your torch when you see the blue flame. You get all excited which is adorable, Touya has to do it again to see you all giddy. You don’t leave the region surrounding the ruins so Touya can basically watch you all the time and he’s smug enough to admit that he loves that. He hasn’t bothered with humans in a long time but he doesn’t mind with you. Your weird fascination flatters him as you show even fascination in grotesque figures of literature and fantasy. That means you wouldn’t feel repulsed but his appearance, right?

🔹You’re convinced that it must be Touya, try to talk to him, even with a Ouija board. On the last day of your stay you hear noises inside the room that used to belong to Touya once and see him standing there when you come running inside. Your eyes widen and you stare at him in awe and utter fascination, no sign of fear. Your eyes wander over his scarred body, pity bubbling up inside your stomach. You step carefully closer to him, afraid he might disappear. When you stand right in front of him, you reach out to him shakily with both of your hands and he leans in closer, allows you that he’s really standing in front of you. Your hands are warm and you don’t pull away when feeling the marred skin of his. You tense up a bit when he leans his head on your shoulder, comforted by your reaction and touch. If he had still a beating heart, it would be in a frenzy right now. You hear him mumbling an apology, initial confusion replaced by pain when sharp teeth sink into your skin and you feel your blood being suck. A vampire. He’s a vampire. Your vision starts turning back when he pulls back, gives you a quick peck on your lips and tells you that he won’t hurt you. Your disappearance only amplifies the fear of the villagers.

[thebroccolination]

Good evening, and welcome to:

Sentimental Hour

I took this screenshot of a gifset almost exactly three years ago. It’s the first thing of WinTeam I ever saw, and it’s the first image of them in my phone’s photo gallery.

I’ve been thinking about them and writing about them ever since I first watched UWMA, and part of me was a little afraid that when Between Us ended, I’d be content with what we got to the point where I wouldn’t want to write about them anymore.

That can happen when your ship is both canon and has their own series! Especially if they aren’t characters in a high-stakes situation or part of a secondary world.

WinTeam are just two university club athletes who hooked up one night and fell in love over the course of months while they helped each other sort through their respective traumatic backgrounds.

But they’re the most compelling pairing I’ve ever loved, and I still can’t fully put into words why. Look at them, though. :’(

Some pairings I love are superheroes, figure skaters, pilots of space lions, ancient warriors, a firefighter and a dude hosting a benevolent alien that gives him neon fire powers—

And yet, for some reason, I don’t even write fic for most of those pairings. I love reading fic about them, but I’ll usually just write one or two and then move on.

WinTeam, though. That’s a Forever OTP for me.

Some of it is BounPrem’s chemistry. Even when they’d just been cast, back when they didn’t know each other and barely liked each other, that chemistry was there. Even in photos, you can feel that they have a rare spark.

And it only got stronger the longer they worked together.

But it’s not just the actors, otherwise the series would have been enough for me. It’s the characters. The way they’re written in Hemp Rope and Between Us, the gentleness they show each other when no one’s around, the way they want to trust each other but they’re so afraid to, the way they reach for each other even though they don’t have a name for what they are.

I love so much about them.

I love that their deepest fears and flaws connect them. At the start of the story, Team has kept so much guilt and pain to himself for so long, he’s just adapted to struggle through it. Meanwhile Win is alone and convinced he always will be.

It may always kick me in the heart that Team’s confession builds up to a vow to take the first steps because he can see that Win is too afraid. And he can do it because Win spent months giving Team every imaginable route to comfort and security, even when it cost him sleep or time or energy that he didn’t have to spare. The beautiful thing is that because of Win’s kindness, Team is strong enough to take the lead from Win, who’s been trying so hard to steer when he’s abjectly terrified of making any mistake with Team.

They’re so balanced. In such an ordinary, quiet way. They’ll never leave each other to falter alone because they both understand how that feels. There’s no question that Team will go to the hospital with his new boyfriend to visit his boyfriend’s brother, just like there’s no question that Win will admit to Team how lost he feels.

I think I just wanted to write this all down because I’m relieved that I found them, and even more relieved that even though the series is over, they’re always going to be part of my heart.

And they’ve raised my standard for love stories forever.

[mariacallous]

The myth that there is a humane way to execute someone who wants to live is getting harder to maintain in Alabama.

In early 2018, the state tried to execute a terminally ill man, Doyle Lee Hamm, whose veins had deteriorated from drug use and treatment for cancer and hepatitis C. Executioners, whose identities are concealed but who typically do not have medical backgrounds, repeatedly jabbed him in the legs, ankles and groin as they tried to set the IV line. They stopped only when the death warrant was close to expiring and Hamm’s groin was covered in blood. 

A few weeks later, the state authorized a new execution method: death by nitrogen gas. At the time, it was purely hypothetical. Two other states allow it, but there had never been a known instance of a nitrogen execution. 

That changed on Thursday, when Alabama killed 58-year-old Kenneth Smith by affixing a mask over his face and forcing him to inhale only nitrogen. He “appeared to shake and writhe on the gurney, sometimes pulling on the restraints” for at least two minutes, followed by several minutes of heavy breathing, The Associated Press reported.  

“It was the most horrible thing I think I’ve ever seen,” said the Rev. Jeff Hood, Smith’s spiritual adviser, who has observed five executions in the past 13 months. 

This was Smith’s second time in an execution chamber. A little more than a year ago, he spent four hours strapped to a gurney, awaiting execution as his final appeals made their way through the court system. Executioners jabbed his hands, arms and collarbone before finally calling off his lethal injection. The botched execution left him severely traumatized. He experienced nightmares, hypervigilance, hyperarousal and dissociation up until his death. 

Smith’s 2022 experience was the third in a series of consecutive botched executions in Alabama. 

In the lead-up to Smith’s death, his lawyers urged the courts to block the nitrogen execution, warning that Smith risked facing a slow, painful death by asphyxiation — or even surviving but in a “persistent vegetative state.” 

The state attorney general’s office dismissed those concerns, claiming that nitrogen is “perhaps the most humane method of execution ever devised,” a baseless supposition undermined by the American Veterinary Medical Association’s recommendation that nitrogen not be used to euthanize most mammals. Rats who were exposed to nitrogen gas showed signs of “panic and distress” before they died, the group said.  

The U.S. Supreme Court allowed the execution to proceed, with the three liberal justices dissenting. 

“Twice now this Court has ignored Smith’s warning that Alabama will subject him to an unconstitutional risk of pain. The first time, Smith’s predictions came true,” Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote in her dissent on Thursday, just before the execution. “This time, he predicts that Alabama’s protocol will cause him to suffocate and choke to death on his own vomit. I sincerely hope that he is not proven correct a second time.” 

“The world is watching,” Sotomayor wrote.  Other executing states are watching, too. As states struggle to carry out lethal injections in the face of litigation and opposition from drug companies, many are looking for new ways to kill — including firing squads and even cyanide gas, the preferred killing method of Nazi Germany. That the Supreme Court allowed Alabama to evade accountability over one secretive execution method by simply switching to another will not go unnoticed in other states.

[terriluvss]

Growth, and Trauma in Fairytail

I love fairytail with all of my heart unfortunately it’s my special interest so I’ve overanalysed the hell out of this series and one thing I have noticed with mashima’s writing is the way characters process their trauma. (This post will contain anime spoilers) ALSO TRIGGER WARNING FOR S AND VIOLENCE

Aka, non-existent. For the most part at least. However there are some exceptions to this like with Gray. With characters like Gray, it’s very clear to see why and how he copes with traumatic events take what happened to Ur as example. Gray believes Ur’s death was his own fault (my guess is probably because he was the one who brought up the deliora situation to her causing her to come to rescue him but as a result having to nope out if life), as a result he believes he doesn’t deserve to live as it ‘should’ve been him’. His actions show this as early as Galuna island arc with our boy using iced shell against Lyon. And multiple other times, he always tries to dish out that spell as a sacrifice because he believes his life is worth nothing more.

This is proof that mashima can and does write trauma well sometimes however his writing can also pale in comparison like with the death of igneel. Specially in the Alvarez arc. Natsu was absolutely traumatised by what had happened and we can see this with him running off for a year with happy. He needed his alone time and yet once he returns its as if nothing had happened, he’s his same old smiley silly self. If you told me to look for the differences in natsu’s character between the first episode and the final season, I would have a very very hard time. There was no growth to his character apart from getting ‘stronger’, we don’t get to see how he comes to terms with the fact his one life goal is void or how he deals with the aftermath of tartaros. Afterwards he is back to his smiley goofy self again like nothing ever happened. There’s no signs at all of Natsu even being affected by it apart from getting stronger. His one life goal is now six feet under ground and he has no visible signs of being depressed over that. He’s capable of smiling, being happy, and his usual self. Even during alvarez arc he’s just as fearless and unchanged as ever. During the alvarez arc Natsu had come face to face with this killer once again and instead of showing any signs of fear at all he looks acnologia in the eyes and takes him head on as if he were a weaker oponent or something.

Realistically acnologia should have terrified natsu. Just like how natsu had been afraid of gildarts seeing his raw power, and acnologia is ten times stronger than gildarrs. Especially considering that dragon had KILLED natsu’s dad. Ripping him in half right in front of him, someone Natsu probably viewed as the strongest and indestructible torn apart just like paper. I understand everyone processes trauma differently but we’ve SEEN first hand Natsu showing fear to stronger opponents like Gildarts. So why is it that all of a sudden when Natsu is faced with acnologia in person once more there is no signs of fear, no memories of the trauma, no nothing rather this cookie cutter hero moment again. Where he takes aconologia on as if he were a weaker foe, even laughing to himself and making witty remarks. We’ve seen at the face of truly terrifying power Natsu shrivels up into a stuttering sweating mess. So it doesn’t make any sense that he feels nothing seeing acnologia again. Saying he did the healing during the one year time skip through tartaros doesn’t even make sense because he challenged gildarts to a fight during the manga and you can see him shrivel up in fear unable to speak once more as soon as gildarts destroys a mountain to save him.

Natsu can feel fear. Yet why not with acnologia? Someone who should have traumatised him.

This happens so many times throughout the series. Trauma being swept under the rug like its just another tuesday. I dont get why he can write trauma fine with Gray, but when it comes to people like Lucy or Natsu suddenly its void.

I just wish the characters in this series were given more growth but time and time again it feels like im watching the same characters from episode one over and over again.

But anyway that’s just my two cents on fairytails writing of trauma. This is my first real post on tumblr so it’s probably dogwater, but yeah im open to hearing other peoples thoughts on this and thank you for reading this low effort post.

[bestworstcase]

It’s fascinating to me to read the anon you got (and your extremely well-thought-out response) about Penny’s transformation being distasteful, because I’ve always had an instinctually viscerally negative response to that particular critique of the scene. My issue isn’t with your analysis, which I think stands up, but specifically the complaint that “Penny’s transformation is bad writing/symbolically hurtful, because it takes away the thing that makes her unique/means she no longer has to struggle to be perceived as real.”

I don’t think the text supports the idea that Penny disliked her transformation, or was more comfortable in her robotic body than in her new human one. Her finally getting to feel hugs is probably the single purest moment of joy in all of RWBY. I agree with you that it may have been disconcerting for her to have to re-learn how to fight as a human, but I think it’s entirely possible that Penny herself would say it was worth it—in those moments, she’s as happy as we’ve ever seen her.

Through that lens, the critique of her transformation is pretty distasteful, at least to me—Penny has always longed to be a “real girl.” Is the argument that she (or you or I, if we were given the choice) should have rejected the opportunity to get something she’d always wanted, because then she would no longer be unique? Is it morally better for her to remain a robot even if being a real girl is what she wants? This is probably just me pitting my own projection against someone else’s, so feel free to ignore it if you don’t feel like it adds any value to the discussion. But this has been one of my biggest RWBY pet peeves going back 2+ years, so I felt like I had to write this out.

tbh i think where a lot of folks get tripped up is with expecting rwby to handle the 'sapient robot' character in the typical way of that character's foremost concern being do i count as a Real Person?

but, like. penny raises that question once in a context where she a) clearly expects ruby to freak out, and b) is clearly trying to preempt the freak out by explaining what she is in the simplest, most straightforward terms. "you're my friend, right? you promise you're my friend?" / "you wouldn't understand" / "i'm not real" — but look at how she responds when ruby goes what? of course you're real, you've got a soul! "you're taking this extraordinarily well." and then "you're the best friend anyone could ever have!!"

<- to me that does not read like penny genuinely thinks she isn't a 'real person' so much as that is what she is primed to expect ruby to think, and she's terrified her new (only!) friend is going to reject her, so she tries to sort of... soften the blow by saying it first.

only ruby does not think that. at all. and that's the last time penny describes herself as "not real" and she generally seems to be quite comfortable in her skin as a robot. after that point the only time it's ever a pain point is when she reacts to other people treating her like a Thing instead of a Person. and like i said, that's very wrapped up in the broader narrative of dehumanization and authoritarianism going on with atlas, hence why this arc for penny is so intertwined with winter's.

all that to say, i don't really buy into the interpretation that penny ever had a problem with Being A Robot so much as she had a problem with the way people Treat Her As A Robot (and i think cinder is used narratively to make the point that obviously penny receiving this new flesh body does not make the people who saw her as a Thing before suddenly realize that she's a Person instead).

& that's why personally i see her loss of the robotic body as loosely equivalent to yang losing her original arm. it's acutely traumatic not so much because the new flesh body is weaker but because that's her body and she loses it in a pretty horrible way, and in an ideal scenario where the evacuation went off without a hitch and penny made it to vacuo in one piece, i imagine there would have been a major period of adjustment, both physically and emotionally, as she processed that loss.

her new flesh body is more akin to yang's prosthetic arm—it's not bad, per se, and certainly there are things she can find to love about it, but i would expect for her to have complicated feelings about simply because the way she got it is rooted in this traumatic event. and then just in terms of the before/after on her physical capabilities, objectively surviving the virus in this way is disabling, and that's a big thing to adjust to.

is that better than dying? yeah absolutely. and penny isn't the type who would resent her own survival simply because it came with some unpleasant consequences and big changes to adjust to—absolutely, she would think this was worth it to have a chance to live her life freely. same as yang chose not to regrow her arm in V9.

and there's no moral value to put on robot body over flesh body or vice versa; i think applying the 'robot vs real girl' lens to a story that so emphatically rejected that dichotomy right out of the gate and then went 'the real problem is this exploitative, dehumanizing military state that treats everybody like an expendable tool' is a bit disingenuous overall. what makes a person a real person in rwby is whether they have a soul, and it's stated upfront in no uncertain terms that penny has a soul. she's never not been a real girl. my read on her is that what she always wanted was to have her personhood respected moreso than she wanted to be 'real'.

[frangipanilove]

Fighting Fire With Fire Part Three:

Pharmakon And The LK8-4167 Licence Plate

(read parts one and two here)

This really has been the season of licence plates for me. I’ve written about the resurrection symbolism around the XH6-S781 and the LC6M187 licence plates. Today I want to expand on the licence plate LK8-4167 that we first saw in 5x10 WHAWGO. A brilliant Bethyler back in the ancient times of Early Team Delusional discovered that it could potentially refer to the Bible verse Luke 8, which happend to tell a story of resurrection (If anyone remembers the name of the person who discovered this, let me know so I can give them proper credit).

Then, when 6x10 A New World rolled around, we saw the same licence plate again, which I wrote about in this post from a few weeks ago.

There’s actually a third car with this particular license plate. It appears in 6x6 Always Accountable, and the scene and episode in which it appears is full of resurrection symbolism. Let’s dive in!

I first wrote about the LK8-4167 license plate in this post from 2020. It’s old and somewhat dated, but it’s also fairly thorough, check it out for the basics of the three/tree/trunk symbolism.

The licence plate first came on to TD’s radar after 5x9 WHAWGO. Obviously, 5x9 was the first episode after Beth had been shot at Grady, and it was also the last episode Beth appeared in, as she appeared in Tyreese’s fever dream before he died.

WHAWGO was an episode where the audience needed to pay attention. One can argue that TPTB intentionally tried to trick the audience from the get-go, for starters, it opened with someone digging a grave. Everyone assumed it was Beth’s grave, as her “death” had been the last thing we saw in the episode prior. Then came the plot twist, when it turned out to be Tyreese’s grave. We still don’t know if/where/when/how Beth was buried, we learned from Talking Dead that 17 days had passed between 5x8 Coda and 5x9 WHAWGO, but we know nothing of what transpired in those days.

The lack of a funeral for Beth, and an outright fake “trick” funeral intended to lure us into believing she had been buried has emerged as one of the most pressing unanswered questions for Team Delusional. Was she buried? If so, where? When? And if not, why?

Glenn explained the rules back in season one: "We bury the ones we love, and burn the rest". Through the years we've seen an enormous focus on getting people, and at times animals like goats and sometimes even baseball bats, a proper burial.

But not Beth. Why not? TD has questions.

As the group struggled to save Tyreese in WHAWGO, we could hear Beth’s voice singing Struggling Man in the backround. We watch them reach the cluster of cars where they were parked, and we see this female walker in a car. Interstingly, we see this scene paralleled in 6X6 Always Accountable, where a walker was trapped in a car in a similar way:

And while we hear Beth/Emily singing Struggling Man in the background, we see Rick deliver this line, which is a callback to when Beth sang the Tom Waits classic "Hold On" at the prison back in season 3:

There’s something strange about how they all reacted with fear and horror to the cluster of cars, it's as though something had happened that inflicted some kind of shared trauma associated with walkers in cars on them.

We also saw that in the next episode 5x10 Them, where they came across a different cluster of cars along the road, and reacted as though it was the most frightful sight ever. It was in one of these cars Maggie found the blond, tied up walker, a walker that has been confirmed to be meant as a reference to Beth, in a scene that seemed to haunt Maggie to an almost unreasonable degree.

It doesn't quite add up. They were all seasoned survivers at this point, they had all seen, and neutralized, countless walkers. What was it about the walkers trapped in cars from WHAWGO and Them that stood out to them as particularly terrifying and traumatizing?

This could be a reference to another cornerstone TD belief. Had Beth been left in a car during a walker attack directly after the events of 5x8 Coda? Is that why she was so heavily surreounded by trunk symbolism? Was it foreshadowing?

And as they desperately tried to get their car unstuck from the mud, we saw the red vehicle with the LK8-4167 license plate.

When we seek out the corresponding verse in the Bible, we find a story about healing a girl and a resurrection. We’ve heard Beth’s voice singing Struggling Man up until this very moment.

"She is not dead but asleep".

However you might feel about it, it's hard to deny that the licence plate could refer to resurrection. And it's difficult to argue it was about Tyreese. We saw Tyreese get stabbed through the brain to prevent him from reanimating. And we saw him get buried. The symbolism was not about him.

It is much more likely that it was about the girl whose voice we heard in the background the whole time, the girl we never saw put down or buried, the girl who was also last seen in 5x9 WHAWGO. It’s more likely that it was about the girl who's been surrounded by all kinds of resurrection symbolism, and who's been closely paralleled with Rick, someone who now has died and resurrected twice.

The fact that there were human torsos (or simply "trunks") stored in the car is three/tree/trunk symbolism, which I’ve talked about elsewhere (such as here and here), and I won’t discuss that in this post.

But let's now return to the licence plate we saw in 6x6 Always Accountable. It's an interesting episode for many reasons, and it's also an episode in which we learn more on how TWDU uses the concept of "fighting fire with fire".

As Daryl, Sasha and Abraham finish operation Lead The Walkers Away, and are about to return home to Alexandria, they are suddenly attacked. As they speed up to outrun the gunfire, the become separated from each other. And it is during this car chase we see the third LK8-4167 licence plate:

Daryl takes a tumble right next to a Jeep Cherokee. I went into great detail on the resurrection symbolism around that, and how Jeep Cherokees and Cherokee Roses are synonymous, here.

He falls off his bike, injures his elbow but quickly gets back up on the horse. I'm not going to overstate the symbolism of that small detail, but it does constitute a representation of falling down (death) and getting back up (resurrection). On it's own it's merely a fun fact, rather than some super compelling evidence of resurrection symbolism, however it does fall in line with everything else we see, so I'll allow it. Let's agree it indicates resurrection symbolism at the very least. And it happened directly after we had seen the LK8-4167 license plate, that we now know represent resurrection.

Also, we did see a Jeep Cherokee at the end of 5x8 Coda, as Daryl carried Beth's seemingly lifeless body out of Grady Memorial, it's in the bottom left corner in this pic:

Keep the Jeep Cherokee in mind, because we'll return to it shortly.

Every Bethyler watching instantly knew that 6x6 Always Accoutable would be a treasure trove of Bethyl-coded symbolism the minute we saw this shot from after Daryl’s bike broke down:

He immediately tries to establish contact with Sasha and Abraham, but they’re out of radio reach. When they don’t respond he goes out in search of them.

He soon gets into trouble when Dwight, Sherry and Tina finds him and mistakes him for one of Negan’s Saviors. They tie him up and take him through a burnt forest that used to be their home, before it was overrun with walkers.

This is a good time to once again reflect on the meaning of pharmakon, a poison and a cure. Fighting fire with fire.

As they walk through the burnt forest, we get subtle clues pertaining to the fire symbolism through the dialogue:

Dwight and Sherry explains how they flooded the area with fuel, lit up a matchbook from the Sweetwater Beer Company, then the walkers "just walked right into the flames”.

Notice how Dwight and Sherry here reveal something crucial about how the wildfire virus affects the walkers? Walkers, meaning wandering undead corpses having succumbed to the wildfire virus, are hardwired to walk right into fire!

They are drawn to flames! This is quite iterally fighting wildfire with fire.

Then, it’s also important to note that the reference to "the Sweetwater" is a reference to the beer bottle in which Daryl placed a Cherokee Rose and gave to Carol in 2x4 Cherokee rose. Sweetwater is a brand of beer. The beer bottle he used was one from Sweetwater. And as I’ve explained here, ethanol/beer is the key to the cure, the antidote, the pharmakon.

And as we remember from season 3, Daryl placed a Cherokee Rose on Carol's empty grave, marking it as a scene for a future "resurrection", symbolism which was fulfilled when she was found alive in the tombs of the prison a few episodes later.

Daryl is eventually able to break free from Dwight and Sherry, and as he escapes into the woods, we see a walker with a Cherokee Rose on its back:

Again, this is the first Cherokee Rose we've seen since season 3, it's quite a significant moment, symbolism wise, because it's all about resurrection.

Then we turn our attention to Abraham and Sasha. They eventually end up near the same Jeep Cherokee, where they have a conversation about being left behind and having someone return for them. Again, TD has discussed these themes for years in relation to Beth and those 17 days post-Coda.

Many of us believe Beth was left behind in Atlanta, for reasons we don’t yet know. It’s significant that Abe and Sasha talk about these themes about being left behind and someone coming back next to the Jeep Cherokee.

This plays into the widely held TD belief that whatever it was that happened after Coda, it somehow involved getting overwhelmed by walkers, then placing Beth in the trunk of a car (foreshadowed in Still and Them), with every intention of returning to her, but then for some reason being prevented from doing so. And when they eventually did, perhaps she was "just gone".

Back to Daryl for a minute. Being who he is, he tries to make allies and friends out of Dwight and Sherry. This backfires on him as they betray him and steal his bike and his crossbow.

But Daryl is resourceful, and manages to find a truck full of fuel hidden under some greenery:

Please note the licence plate, PATTY002, on a truck labeled 002. I've discussed these numbers in countless other posts, so I won't elaborate on it here. However, it needs to be mentioned, because the symbolism around the 22/Morningstar/Lightbringer comes into play in a big way.

I'll just briefly mention that we could easily draw on the "one one" of Noah's t-shirt, we could interpret the 2 as in roman numerals II, which could also be read as the number 11, which again could be a reference to TWD 10x11 Morningstar.

We could also interpret the two 2's as the number 22, which I've written extencively about. Again it is a Morningstar reference, and it highlights the duality that we see around "pharmakon", in that both Christ and the Devil has been referred to as the Morningstar. Lucifer Morningstar. Lucifer means Lightbringer. The Devil and Christ. A poison and a cure. Fighting fire with fire.

Obviously, Sirius and Venus are both morning stars, in that they appear in the morning (and for the record, Venus is a planet, but was initially percieved to be two wandering stars, one that appeared at evening time and one that appeared in the morning)

And all of that suddenly comes into play, when Abraham finds a yellow Humvee with some serious rocket launchers, or should I say “light-bringers”, included.

And it's a good thing he did, because in 6x8 No Way Out, on their way home to Alexandria Safe Zone, they run into this group of unsavory characters; Negan's Saviors.

The Saviors demonstrate an atrocious lack of manners, and Daryl eventually teaches them a lesson, using one of Abraham's rocket launchers.

The symbolism here is interesting. The rocket launchers came from a yellow Humvee, something which brings our minds to the other yellow vehickles that's encompassed by the "yellow" symbolism. I wrote about it here.

And Daryl reached for one from the back of the 002 Patty002 fuel truck, which could be interpreted as part of the "one one" Morningstar symbolism, as well as the 22 Morningstar/Lightbringer symbolism.

But we learn more about how it relates to the pharmakon/fighting fire with fire symbolism once they reach Alexandria:

Alexandria Safe Zone, now completely overrun by a massive walker horde, is losing the battle against death. The undead outnumber and outcompete the living.

But Daryl has learned something from his encounter with Dwight and Sherry. He now knows that the walkers are drawn to flames, that the wildfire virus is attracted to fire. He arranges for the fuel to be poured into the lake, and then fires a rocket into it. The lake blows up in an inferno of flames, and as anticipated, the walkers walk right into the fire. Fire destructs the wildfire virus. Fighting fire with fire.

And above all, it’s very poignant Lightbringer/Morningstar symbolism. Daryl’s rocket launcher literally lights up the place.

The LK8-4167 licence plate is about resurrection. And resurrection in TWDU is associated with fire. We've seen that through the Sirius symbolism throughout the seasons. The Sirius symbolism revolves around Sirius The Dog Star, which returns to the sky one morning right before dawn, after having been gone for some time. Beth became inextricably linked with the Sirius symbolism after 4x13 Alone. The word "Sirius" comes from Greek "Seirios" and means "glowing, scorching.

Sirius The Dog Star returns one morning right before dawn... or shall we say sunrise?

An interesting detail is that while Daryl is out in the burnt forest with Dwight and Sherry, Sasha and Abraham seek temporary refuge inside the offices of a car insurance company called Sunrise Auto Insurance.

Remember Operation Cobalt, which included the decision to try to contain the spread of the wildfire virus by dropping napalm bombs on metropolitan areas all over the North American continent, likely killing hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of civilians. An alternative name for Operation Cobalt was the Sunset Protocol:

If "sunset" represents the end of humanity due to the wildfire virus itself, in addition to the use of napalm on civilians, through Operation Cobalt and the sunset protocols... could "sunrise" represent the opposite? A cure or an antidote. Pharmakon?

Both "sunrise" and "sunset" describes actions of the sun, which is a literal burning ball of gas. Fighting fire with fire.

And of course, there's this scene, in which we saw a "resurrection" of sorts, when the music box "came back to life" during a beautiful sunset after a particularly stormy night:

Sunrise heralds resurrection. Literally and metaphorically speaking.

Finally, a few words on things to potentially be exited about going foreward. In the TWD World Beyond coda, it was more than implied that the origin of the wildfire virus came out of a French lab. The grafitti on the wall translates to "the dead were born here".

We now also know that the French created variant walkers, specifically designed to function as weapons. In TWDDD 1x12 L'ame Perdue, we saw Daryl cross paths with one of these variants called les brûlant, burners, due to their blood that burn like acid when it comes into contact with human skin.

We saw Daryl suffer a bad burn, and we saw how he was later treated with cauterization, a technique that involves burning the affected area with a red hot iron. The "cure" hides in plain sight; fighting fire with fire.

Isabel explains that cauterization is they best way to prevent burns from les brûlant from spreading. It's a small scene, but it is one of the first things we learn about how the virus has affected France, and more importantly, it is confirmation that the symbolism is the same across TWDU: fighting fire with fire. A burn from a burner/brûlant is healed with cauterization, fire... Again, we see fire as pharmakon, a poison and a cure.

@bookqueenrules recently made me aware of a yellow car that's been involved in filming of what appears to be large parts of season 2. I wonder if it could possibly be a Jeep Wrangler. That would be an interesting reference to the symbolism around Carol's Jeep Cherokee from season 1, and it ties in nicely with all the other yellow vehicles we've come across that has serious resurrection undertones to them.

Having said that, I'm no car expert, and it could easily be something else entirely, time will tell. But it is yellow, that's for sure, and therefore it's part of the yellow vehicle symbolism, Jeep or not.

(ETA: I think it might be a Land Rover, now that I’m looking at it. But like I said, I’m not an expert, it could be anything really)

These symbols, the fire symbolism, the yellow symbolism and the Jeep Cherokee/Cherokee Rose symbolism, they intersect in really powerful ways, and I'm super exited to see how this all continues in TWDDD season 2, The Book Of Carol. And the concept of pharmakon, a poison and a cure, exists on both sides of the Atlantic.

[camlannpod]

Character Playlist: Morgan

Happy off-week! Episode 3 is coming out next Monday, so whilst we wait, here's a playlist all about my beloved Morgan Jones. Last time we posted about Dai, (you can find that playlist here), because episode 1 is very much his episode. Episode 2 is Morgan's, and as you might notice, she's on a much darker and spookier path than her found sibling.

Hurricane by Reuben and the Dark

I am broken, I am brave The way the body behaves I am free, I'm afraid A mirror of my mistakes

Morgan's been through so much. The Cataclysm was awful for everyone, but Morgan was traumatised long before the world ended, and things have just got worse. She is explicitly terrified of her own name in this new world - of what it means and could mean. She so desperately doesn't want to hurt people, and she's so terrified that she will.

2. Witch's Rune by S. J. Tucker

By earth and water, air and fire By blade and bowl and circle round We come to you with our desire Let all that is hidden now be found

Morgan Le Fay! Witch, sister, villain, survivor. Our Morgan is intimately familiar with the story of her namesake, and thinks of Morgan like a witch inside her, or a ghost haunting her. The whole gang have different perspectives on how the Names work, but our Morgan definitely sees it like a curse.

3. Sing of the Moon by The Collection

So we sing of the moon and the face that it hides Shining just half of its truth to our skies But bring me the sun that gives it all its light I don't want to just wait to die

Morgan is very much the moon to Dai's sun. I often think of them like a binary star system - they are completely inextricable from each other, and if they were ever separated they'd both spin out and be lost in chaos. Morgan is more shy than Dai, more reserved. He brings out her lighter side, but she's always aware of the fact that one day that will end.

4. Old Churchyard by The Wailin' Jennys

I know that it's vain when our friends depart To breathe kind words to a broken heart And I know that the joy of life is marred When we follow lost friends to the old churchyard*

Everyone's lost people, but Morgan most all. Most traumatically, she saw her younger brother Ben die in front of her - a fresh trauma from which she still hasn't recovered. Morgan doesn't fear death. She's not a practicing Christian (I think she's an atheist) but she sees it as a simple, restful end to a long and painful life. What she does fear is losing people - it's the thing she fears most of all.

(*Note at the end of the post)

5. Better in the Morning by Birdtalker

Tired and worn from the patterns I’ve carved I will do better in the morning I’m afraid of who I’d be without you I will do better in the morning

We'll learn more about Morgan's childhood later in the series, but suffice it to say that every day of her life, Morgan has gotten up and tried again. For me she's very much that image of hope with bloodied knuckles, forcing herself to stand up and get back into the fight. It isn't easy for Morgan to keep surviving, let alone to keep trying to be happy. But she tries, because Dai loves her, and she loves him, and he reminds her that life is worth living.

6. Pyrokinesis by 7Chariot

We could set the world on fire using only our minds Pyrokinesis we hurt each other without trying

The gang don't know if magic is exclusive to the Phenomena, or if it's even magic as we would describe it. They don't know if it's mushroom spores or something alien, science they don't understand, strange divinities or straight up magical powers. They also don't know whether or not Morgan has magic. If she does, it's not presented itself in any way that's obvious to her - beyond her nightmares. But she often has dreams about the monsters they've faced, and it's hard for her to untangle nightmares from trauma from dreams that might be more significant. Part of her worries that somehow she's making things real, and drawing the monsters closer to them.

7. Ghost by ZZ Ward

Hear the Devil call out my name Broken promises, burning flames Frozen hearts in a lover's grave God knows, darling, god knows I gave

Morgan's biggest enemy is herself. She's most afraid of herself - and Morgan le Fay. She's terrified of hurting people and losing control. But if she could ever just let herself be angry, even more outspoken - if she could relax enough to try and enjoy all the ferocious freedom of one of history's greatest witches? She could be incredible. And even now - she has the capacity for a ferocious kind of burning joy that she has stolen from everyone and everything that's ever tormented her. When she parties, she parties hard.

8. Mile Magnificent by Molly Ofgeography

An apartment when it's empty echoes lovely, bright and clean Sing odes to green-blue water that we stole so it comes free All things end, it's part of living; forest fires feed the trees Lift your glasses full of sunshine, sing a toast to gasoline And it feels like a good, good omen I've never been much of a good, good woman But good things are coming Good good things are coming

Morgan has always been kind of terrible at being 'a woman' - whatever that means. She's not demure, she's not obedient, gentle, or agreeable, and she's never been especially feminine. She's always been outspoken, blunt, short-tempered and direct - a woman who acts first and talks later. In the world before, that could be a problem sometimes - something she was insecure about, that made it hard to fit in (though figuring out her queerness helped a lot). In the apocalypse, all of these things are exactly why she survived, and there's a part of her that's determined to snatch a life from the ruins and the ashes.

9. We Will All Be Changed by Seryn

We can shape but can't control These possibilities to grow Weeds amongst the push and pull Waiting on the wind to take us

Every main character playlist in the show ends with this song.

*A note on Christianity in Camlann - I'm not a practicing Christian, I consider myself agnostic. But because I grew up in a Christian family in the UK, I am culturally Christian. However we might feel about it, Arthurian legends and British folklore are pretty inextricable from Christian influence. Christianity's been here a long old time, and we don't have a lot of reliable written sources that cover the pre-Christian period. As a result, some of the songs on these playlists contain Christian themes. I hope that isn't too troubling to people. To be very clear, all faiths deserve reverence and respect, and Christianity is far from the only religion practiced in Britain over the last 2,000 years.

[roseblushwrites]

Extremely Optional Marigold Tav Lore

I got an incredibly kind comment on one of my First in My Heart fics yesterday that was asking for basically any details about the Tav I write in all my Gale stories (so far 👀). I will acknowledge that yes this character is mostly supposed to be a stand-in, I don't want to step on anybody's interpretation of her or ability to project whatever vision they like to imagine when they read my fics. But there is a version of her I am picturing when I write, so if you would like to know more about how I think about her, that's what this post is for ☺️

First, a disclaimer: the boring truth is that I don’t have a ton of things fleshed out about her. Most of what I’ve put thought into about her is the stuff mentioned here and there in the fics—she’s a monk, she was raised in a Torm temple but isn’t a believer in that faith, she loves flowers, and she lived in Baldur’s Gate until getting tadpoled at the start of BG3’s story. But here's what I do have about her:

She’s a human from a town in the Cloud Peaks, a southern mountain range

She grew up in a Torm temple, where her mother worked as a gardener in exchange for her daughter getting to have an education. Her biological father was never in the picture and she has no siblings

Her mother died when she was 14, and after that she was raised by a Torm monk named Eirik. He never required her to convert to his religion, but instead taught her about the importance of loyalty and being true to one’s self. She was so filled with rage and grief after her mother died, and he taught her how to take all of those feelings and release them through her monk training. Eirik is still alive and she still exchanges letters with him, though they aren't as close as they once were

When she left the temple in her early twenties, she went to Baldur’s Gate to seek her own fortune and spent years doing odd jobs and bounties to get by, occasionally joining a short term adventuring party here and there, but never anything too intense. She was definitely in a rut of her own making, just kind of listlessly getting by. Getting tadpoled was objectively terrifying but also was the wake-up call she needed to stop going through the motions and start living her life, and to chase down what she really wanted (which, aside from the whole “saving the world” thing, was a relationship with Gale)

At the start of BG3, she’s 35 (she and Gale are the same age)

Marigold loves flowers because they remind her of her mom, but she’s never had anywhere that she could nurture that interest or grow her own garden—they’ve just been something she appreciates everywhere she goes

She is a total cat person

She does not want to have kids. What she went through when she lost her mom was so traumatizing that she doesn’t want to put her own child through that when she dies, however old she is when that happens

Sexually (I made this character up to write smut about, after all) she likes being on top and being in control, but Gale is the only person she’s ever been with who makes her feel comfortable enough to relinquish that control on occasion. She likes to fluster and tease him, she loves going down on him, and she really loves all the little noises he makes when she’s taking her time with him. She also loves being spanked, and she loves being surprised by all of Gale's creative, sexy, magical ideas

Personality-wise, she’s not exactly shy but she is kind of closed off until she gets to know people. She kept to herself a lot pre-game, and she didn’t have a lot of friends in Baldur’s Gate before getting tadpoled. Her beliefs in the Torm ideals of loyalty (again, the ideals, not the actual religion—she wasn’t a fan of the gods even before the events of the game) make it so that she’s afraid to get too close to people, because what if she gives her loyalty to someone who doesn’t deserve it? It just made her very wary of strangers and mostly keep to herself. Opening up to the tadpole crew was a big deal for her. Besides Gale, she’s closest with Shadowheart, but she really loves all of them. Once she gets close with people, she's very sarcastic and sassy

And now here are a few screenshots of her (and Gale of course)—I have never used mods for Tav appearances, so she is built with the default character creation options. I have played her through several different playthroughs with different hair and classes and outfits but she always has this face (which I initially chose because I think she has Rachel Weisz vibes):

(Sometimes she has the neck tattoo, sometimes she doesn't--depends on my mood 😂)

And here are a couple bonus pictures of what she looked like when she was a rogue during our evil playthrough (she and Gale both became gods), and also what she looked like when I made her the Dream Visitor when I was playing as Gale:

(Dream Visitor still has the two-toned bob because we did this right after the evil playthrough and I was still really vibing with that hair choice lmao. But "canon" Marigold has the wavy blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail.)

Again, just to reiterate, you do NOT have to picture her like this when you read my fics, I intentionally do not describe her physically in any of the canon-verse stories because I don't want to take away from anyone who wants to think of their own Tavs when they read. But this is what she looks like in my head when I'm writing about her.

Genuinely honored that anyone cared enough to even ask me about this, hopefully this was interesting! 🥰

[joels6string]

More Than My Father's Son

Joel Miller x f!OC

Chapter 12 - My Brother Joel

Summary: Tommy and Joel head on the road for a doomed mission to find you in the Utah wilderness, dead, alive, or infected.

Rating: E

Word Count: 3.6k

Content: NSFW, high levels of violence normal to the TLOU world, angst, fluff, miscommunication trope (it’s Joel Miller…), slow burn, Joel’s traumatic childhood, getting together, smut, canon divergence after SLC, fix it fic

“Maybe you should have told her! Maybe if you didn’t fuckin’ lie to her she never woulda left! You ever imagine that, Joel? What your life could be like if you were honest for once? You’d be wakin’ up to her in your damn bed instead of being out here in mourning!”

Chapter 11 || Series Masterlist

My brother is many things. 

He’s played as many roles as there is, taking each one onto a pair of shoulders that should have buckled from the pressure years ago. I’ve seen him through the hardest days of his life. The high school graduation pop couldn’t be bothered to attend. The day he found out he was gonna be a daddy before he could legally drink a beer. He called me when Rebecca left him with nothing but a note, Sarah still tucked up in a crib alone in that shit-hole apartment he scrounged over three jobs to keep. He was crying that day, not for the loss of the woman he’d made his wife outta nothing but obligation,  but for the little blonde-haired girl nestled fast asleep against his chest. See, he didn’t think he could raise her. Said he wasn’t fit for it. But I knew better. He raised me, and I think I turned out all right. 

And raise her he did. That girl lived the best life he could give her, he didn’t care what it cost. He built a business, bought a house, nurtured a daughter that he swore could save the world one day, and I bet she would have. He never complained. Sure, about not having money sometimes, or losing jobs to the bigger guys, but he never wanted anything different, he didn’t wish for something else. 

When Sarah died, so did he. Who could blame him? I carried the guilt of leaving him in Boston from the moment I stepped outta that apartment. I just couldn’t watch him waste away. It was selfish, I know that. But seeing my brother–my goddamn hero–turn into everything he stood against wasn’t something I could do. I tried to pull him back, but the man’s more stubborn than a mule. So I just prayed he’d find his way back, not for me, but for himself. For Sarah. For the man I always knew he was and the one he deserved to be.

Then he shows up some decade and a half later, gray hair, wrinkles around his eyes, scarred like you wouldn’t believe. And damn if he didn’t feel like he’d taken some of himself back. He had Ellie, who I owe my life for what she did for him. I don’t think she knows the extent of that gratitude and I don’t plan to tell her, she don’t need that burden. He loves that girl like his own and so do I. That’s all that matters.

But then there’s her. Millie. All fire and sheer will, if she wasn’t on our side I’d be terrified of her. And god damn does he love that woman. He thinks I can’t tell, but I’ve been watching him practically my whole life, hell, tryin’ to be him, I know. Joel’s a man that would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it, but he aint’ one to share what goes on his head. That’s for him to deal with and no one else. He’s a locked box, walled up behind heavily guarded gates, always has been, but with her? It’s all right there on his sleeve for the world to see. Something tells me she knows more about him than most, and I don’t think he needed to speak a damn word for her to figure it out neither.

I don’t know what happened that night of the storm. At this point, I don’t know if I ever will. But something changed. 

I knew about Millie, what happened to her. Maria and I...we’d made the call to keep it from him as long as we could. He’d have run off, never to be seen again, I ain’t stupid. I didn’t know what to do. How do you tell someone who's been through hell enough times it shoulda killed him that his one good thing was gone? I couldn’t do it. Not after I’d seen him for the first time in over 20 years. He was smiling again. Strumming on a guitar. Writing songs. Hell, I had him sketching blueprints; he was Joel again. Maybe it was selfish. I wanted to prolong it, keep him around for as long as I could before the inevitable. 

And here we are. At the inevitable.

I might as well be riding through these trails alone. He’s silent, it’s like a god damn funeral march. But in reality I guess it is. I’ve contemplated turnin’ around, forcing him back to the life he’s gonna have to face living here eventually. But I can’t. See, the thing is that through all he’s lost, he’s never once gotten the chance to mourn. There was always something else. I think maybe he needs these quiet weeks on the road, and I’ll keep him alive while he’s out here, going through whatever it is he needs to go through. 

There’s no way we find her. It’s too much land, too many possibilities, it’s been too long; seven weeks by the time we get to the last place she was seen. For her sake I hope it was quick, and for his I hope it ain’t like Eugene said. If he’s gotta put a bullet in her head, even like that, I don’t see a path back. 

We’ve come across a few straggler infected, and his face breaks my heart every time. The fear he’ll see her snarling and deformed, I can’t take it anymore. The way his eyes beg for recognition to end the ache in his chest and for the chance to keep hope alive all the same. 

The way he kills them is damn near barbaric. Every swing of that blade an attempt to collect the debt he feels he’s owed. He’s still swinging long after they’re dead and gone, thankfully he’s smart enough to not waste our ammo. I pray we don’t come across any hunters on this trip. The runners I can watch be torn to shreds, I ain’t so sure I can watch him do that to a man again. I’ve had more than my share of that.

Everyday he’s closer to the god damn edge and I’m just waiting for him to fall. It’s bound to happen. Every night he sits by the fire sharpening that damn machete, sometimes gone dull from whatever poor unfortunate soul we encountered, other times he takes it out on a tree, an old rundown house, whatever he can find. I let him have at it, keeping an eye that the desperate crying he does when he thinks he’s alone doesn’t attract anyone or anything. It did once, shot it right between the eyes. I was proud of that one. 

We’re set to reach the last place she was seen today, I’m mentally gearing up. Reckon it won’t be pretty. I don’t know where it goes from there. I don’t know if I want to either. 

********

“I’m goin’ to look around,” Joel announced before his boots even hit the cement of the old garage, the first words he’d spoken since a grunt of acknowledgement that morning.

“Joel,” Tommy called quickly, “I should come with you.”

“Stay with the horses.”

“Joel!”

But he was already gone. It was a calm, February night, the sky clear as the setting sun cast a hazy, gray light over the untouched snow. Untouched. Not a print in sight, not even a damn rabbit. He should have checked the houses, but something had told him it was useless. You weren’t here. You hadn’t been here in months. Months. The time that had lapsed between you vanishing without a trace and his arrival made him sick to his stomach. He should have been here. He should have stopped you from leaving. He should have fought. 

The sound of the rushing river marked the spot where your tracks had stopped. This was the last place you were known to have been. It felt like a fucking burial site. He couldn’t do anything in the dark, so he stood and watched the water run by, the force of it surprising for its lack of depth. Jagged rocks jut out of the white capping current, the barren skeletons of the trees reaching up to the heavens he could no longer believe in. 

As the sound lulled him into whatever semblance of tranquility he could find, he wondered how you made it across. It was too wide to jump and too fast to bridge with something as simple as a log, but the rocks could provide a path if traveled carefully. But you were sick. Coughing, a fever seizing up your already ice-cold body, you wouldn’t have the dexterity…

He took off in a sprint back to the house, slamming open the front door hard enough it had Tommy reaching for his gun from where he sat on the floor. 

“Jesus Christ. Joel!” Tommy scolded, throwing the shotgun back down with a heavy thud, “I coulda shot you.”

“Down the river,” Joel panted, lungs and throat burning, “Tracks stopped at the bank. It’s too fast. Down the river…”

With numb fingers, Tommy pulled out the map, tracing north until the river opened to a lake. It was miles away, but not more than a day's travel. 

“Tell me what you wanna do,” Tommy offered, “Straight shot to where it dumps off?”

“Yeah…” Joel muttered, his mind racing against the light of optimism threatening to banish the darkness of reality. 

“Alright then, first light. Sit and eat.”

It would be a miracle if you survived that trip, but it wasn’t impossible. He’d done it, sort of, and that was the catch. He’d had Henry to pull him out, you were alone. But maybe you’d maneuvered well enough to avoid crashing into a rock head first. Or maybe this was all just fucking delusion.

There was no chance of sleep, he just paced, muttering incoherently under his breath about the chance this worked. It was low, and he hated how hard it was to convince himself of that. Back in Jackson as he and Tommy had readied to leave, he saddled up your horse. At the time he’d said in case they found you, you’d be thrilled, you loved that damn animal. But in reality it was just one of the few pieces of you he had left. Bill would be his from now on, maybe he’d even try and replicate those ridiculous biscuits you insisted on making for him. 

“You sleep at all?” Tommy asked, still groggy as he lifted himself onto his elbows with a groan.

“A bit,” Joel lied, the barrel of his shotgun shining after two hours of polishing. 

“When’d you become so shit at lyin’?”

Probably when he lost it all because of it. 

“Let’s go,” Joel snapped, leaping to his feet and grabbing his pack already ready by the door, “Eat on the way.”

Hours turned into days, and on day three of ice cold conditions, searching through trees and caves, and too many close calls with frostbite, Tommy stepped in. An arm across Joel’s chest kept him upright as Tommy pinned him against an oak, his head shaking in denial and defiance as he deflected the reality staring him in the face. You were gone. There was no finding you, there was no closure, no last chance to count the freckles on your face or memorize the warm shade of your hair. There was nothing. Just snow and haunting silence beneath his brother’s sympathetic gaze.

“I know you loved her,” Tommy finally found the opening to say it, “And maybe if you admitted that it would help you…move on.”

“Move on!?” Joel roared, finding the strength to shove his brother off of him, “Move on from what? What the hell do I have to move on from? Huh? I got nothin’! Cause you sent her away!”

“I ain’t doin’ this again…”

“You let your wife send her away–”

“Maybe you should have told her! Maybe if you didn’t fuckin’ lie to her she never woulda left! You ever imagine that, Joel? What your life could be like if you were honest for once? You’d be wakin’ up to her in your damn bed instead of being out here in mourning!”

The snow softened Tommy’s landing as Joel’s shoulder slammed into his stomach and sent him flying to the ground, a lucky knee to Joel’s stomach giving Tommy enough time to scramble back and right himself with enough distance to avoid another attack. 

“You think about Ellie waitin’ for you to come home,” Tommy cautioned, “Before you do something stupid. You got amends to make with her before this happens all over again.”

“Shut your fuckin’ mouth.” This was not the time for principled speeches.

“Have you learned nothin’?!”

“I said shut your god damn mouth, boy!”

“Go take a walk! You need one. Then we’re fuckin’ leaving, and goin’ home.”

Once he was out of Tommy’s line of sight, he collapsed. The sun was going down, the distorted orb reflecting on the surface like flames, no doubt Tommy would be bringing them back to that house tonight for rest indoors before the long journey home. Maybe the ghost of you walked inbetween the walls, or were you out wandering this barren wasteland always trying to find your way home. He’d done this. The knowledge of that fact had been there all along, but it had taken Tommy screaming it at him for it to batter against the forefront of his mind. He did this. If he hadn’t lied to you it was unlikely you’d have volunteered. After you’d confronted him he should have fought, he should have been slamming his fist against your door begging for you to forgive him, unleashing every single one of his ugly truths when you let him inside to beg for one last chance. But he hadn’t. And now you were gone.

“Hey there, stranger,” a strange voice greeted that had the hair prickling on the back of Joel’s neck, “Haven’t seen you around here before.”

Joel remained silent, wracking his brain for a way to pull the revolver from the waist of jeans without being seen.

“What brings you out this way?” the voice continued, it was too friendly, too decent…

“Sightseein’,” Joel finally lied, keeping his eyes straight forward.

“Don’t see many people doing that these days.”

He didn’t need to see it to know it was there, the rifle pointed right at the back of his head. This wasn’t a bad view if were the last thing he would see. 

“Why don’t you just get on with it?” Joel finally asked, resigning to his fate with almost a sense of relief.

“Hey!” Tommy was yelling, Joel could see him sprinting over, shotgun raised. It was like he didn’t know that thing was shit at a distance and his brain would be sprayed across the snow faster than Tommy could load another set of shells, “Put the fuckin’ gun down!”

“You boys from Texas?” the stranger asked, Joel sighing in frustration at the game this man was playing, remaining silent as he gnashed his teeth together.

“Way back when,” Tommy answered, earning a stony look from his brother. He never knew when to keep his mouth shut.

“So, which one of you is Joel?”

“Who the hell are you?”

Ice ran through Joel’s veins at the sound of his name. He wasn’t unaware of where he was; at the present he was closer to Salt Lake City than home, a city that had his stomach churning. For as many as he’d slaughtered, he knew some got away with full knowledge of who he was and what he’d smuggled out of that hospital. One wrong move and Ellie’s location was no longer safe, one slip of the tongue, one wrong look.

He’d destroyed the Fireflies, singlehandedly. There were a few small factions scattered about, but their cause was all but destroyed thanks to him. Without a cure on the horizon, they had nothing left to hope for, nothing to work towards. They could join the rest of what was left of society, hopeless and dejected. 

“You let my brother go,” Joel finally bargained, “And I’ll go with you.”

“Joel what the hell is goin’ on?” Tommy was panicking now, “You ain’t goin’ anywhere.”

“Let him go.”

Now he was turning, finding a man in his 70s holding the rifle he’d already known was there. Suddenly this became less urgent, he could see the man’s hands trembling and a flicker of fear in his eye. At least Joel’s reputation was still intact. With one quick lunge he could have him round the knees, the rifle loosening enough from those gnarled fingers that Joel could add it to his own arsenal. 

“I don’t want any trouble,” the man finally surrendered, “Just heard a lot about you.”

“From?” Joel growled, uncaring now of what might happen as he snuck his hand to the small of his back, finding the trusty weapon its usual spot.

“People passing through. I wasn’t expecting you, but my wife has a way of knowing things. She thought you’d turn up. And here you are.”

Tommy and Joel shared a look, had this man encountered Eugene and Paulie at some point? It was far off their course, there was no way they’d stumbled into him. There was something else he knew, something that had Joel’s heart thudding in his chest.

“Why don’t you come back with me, get a hot meal and good night’s sleep,” the man offered, “We don’t have much in the way of beds, but it’s warm and you look like you haven’t felt a fire in days.”

“You got a name?” Joel inquired, still wary, but the sirens in his head had stopped blaring.

“Oh. Where are my manners? Corbin. Nice to meet you Joel and…” he dragged out, looking over at Tommy.

“Tommy,” the younger Miller introduced, holding his hand out first for a shake, a silent promise that all that was said was true, both men nodding at the implications as they gripped the other.

It was a short ride, about an hour, back to Corbin’s, the property evident from a distance as the smoke from the chimney plumed up into the dusk sky. Joel’s despair had returned, the knowledge that in the morning he and Tommy would be on their way back to Wyoming alone and without closure. Where did he go from here? 

“Joel,” Tommy sounded from beside him, “I didn’t mean what I said. This ain’t your fault. None of it. I shoulda fought harder–”

“It is my fault.” Saying it hurt. Saying it opened up the mouth of the beast waiting to swallow him. 

“It’s just up ahead,” Corbin interrupted, the small farmhouse coming into view, heavily fenced and secure.

“Quite the place you got here,” Joel admired, a fond smile settling on his face as he recalled a man with similar barriers, and for a second he wondered just how old Bill was doing. It had crossed his mind to head back out East and get him, bring him to the safe haven of Jackson, but something told him Bill liked the fight and would prefer to go down swinging anyway.

“Horses can go in the barn,” their host instructed as he hopped down to open the gate, “I’m sure some dinner is already going.”

“Appreciate it.”

The house was warm, a fire roaring in the hearth as the three men stepped inside, Corbin calling for his wife, Lee, who rounded into the room in an apron. It felt almost dystopian. 

“Oh!” She exclaimed, the sitcom feel of this moment had Joel’s eyebrows furrowing, “More stragglers, Cor?”

“Yeah,” Corbin replied, smiling, “We got Tommy, and that one there, is Joel.”

“Oh… Joel.”

“Mhmm.”

“Why do you all act like you know me?” Joel snapped, now it was grating, now he was panicking, this felt off. He knew what kind of people lurked about, cannibals and religious zealots, he cursed himself for leaving his weapons with the horse. 

“Easy now,” Tommy warned, ticking his head down for Joel to see that Tommy hadn’t been as foolish as he had, his pistol still tucked into the holster at his hip, “Ma’am, it’s nice to meet you. Thank you for…your hospitality.”

“Well, I’m just glad you’re here,” Lee replied, “I’ll go throw a little bit more into the stew. Take a seat.”

Neither man obliged, even as Corbin rounded the old blue couch and collapsed. The house was like a relic of the 80s, gaudy florals in bold colors, angels and religious statues on the shelves surrounded by bibles and books. Even an old box TV still sat in the corner despite the lack of electricity. As Joel looked around, he saw the a medical degree hanging in a frame, Corbin’s, and family photos of who he assumed were their two hosts and their children. He hated how much of it reminded him of the house he and Tommy had grown up in, even down to the wood paneling on the walls. 

Muffled talking could be heard in the kitchen, a door to what must have been a basement slamming shut. A third? Now Joel wanted that gun, it was just out of reach but Corbin was already half asleep on the couch. The footsteps grew closer, he could see the shadow against the floor approaching, his senses blaring as he took a small step in front of Tommy, his arm lifting slightly to shield him from whoever it was about to make face.

“Corbin, did you–” 

“Well I’ll be damned,” Tommy whispered under his breath as the unidentified person rounded into the room.

“Joel?” 

Chapter 13 (There's a tag list now if you prefer that!)

Art as always by @natendo-art 😭🩵

[eatbrick]

assurance.

note : hello! i’ve never written before publicly and never posted anything like ever bcuz i like my privacy (lol) so this will be my first! plz no hate! i love alejandro gillick with my heart (he’s  babygirl) and it’s sad to see there’s not enough fanfics! i guess this is gonna be the start of my writing for you gals and also, this isn’t edited yet! 

hope you lovelies enjoy! :)

summary : your father assigns a cia assassin, alejandro gillick, to be your bodyguard. after countless nightmares, alejandro figures out a way to take your mind off things. *wink* *wink*

pairing : bodyguard!alejandro gillick x fem!reader

warnings : 18+ mature content. explicit. smut. just pure smut. 

    (cursing. being a virgin (mentioned). vaginal fingering. praise kink. etc.)

—

You sprinted faster by the minutes just as Alejandro instructed you to do after he killed all the men in the house one by one. When you both left the house, you and Alejandro parted ways quickly. He ran in a different direction to distract them in a different direction so you could run away as far as possible. You can feel your throat on fire from the harsh air as you breathe it in quickly running through the woods while some branches skimmed past your arms, possibly revealing blood by then. 

“Run as fast as you can towards the village. Don’t run towards the woods. Got it? I know you can.” He said. 

However, you noticed that you–instead—definitely ran to where the woods were located. You could’ve sworn you knew the directions to the village.

“Apparently not, you dumbass.” You said to yourself. 

You can hear the voices closer than you expected them to have. Tears immediately ran down your cheeks; afraid of what could happen to you if you were to be killed in such a traumatizing way here in Colombia. But how could you hear them so close to me? Did that mean Alejandro didn’t make it? 

“Fuck!” you exclaimed out loud. Frustrated at the thought of Alejandro getting killed was the only beginning to fuck up in any way. 

As you can hear the footsteps of men screaming at each other in Spanish—probably about you—it was easy to say that you needed to hide somewhere at the time they caught up. From their tone of how pissed they are at not being able to find you alive, some of the men had started to randomly shoot everywhere that you could be. Your body jumped, alarmed by unexpected gunshots in the distance from where you hid—under a small cliff where water was falling down into a little stream. Moss covered most of the cliff as bushes and trees were thick enough to cover most of the yourself that seemed visible. 

So suddenly, your eyes grew wide as someone stood above you. Slow footsteps begin to walk comfortably into the water. Terrified as you were, you quickly covered your mouth with both hands, canceling the noise of your shaky breath even if it couldn’t be heard from the water. It felt like hours as the stranger contemplated your whereabouts silently. Little did he know that you were hidden right under where the water falls downwards. 

‘Please. Please, go away.’

The eerie beauty of the woods were enchanting as the bright moon shined past through the clouds. Only if it weren’t so scary as it was for now. You can see the man's shadow–somewhat of it–walk nearer to the edge of the leveled cliff. But soon enough, he takes his chances of defeat to departure. You feel your head become dizzy and eyes disoriented; it seems that you have forgotten to breathe after holding it in unintendedly-minded. 

Gently, you lift your hands off from covering your mouth, taking soft, quiet and short intakes of oxygen into your weakened lungs. The relief you had felt was desireful. You wanted more. However, you needed to pay attention to the men who were after you. You hear all the commotions from the men clear out as they go away into the opposite direction where you had been hiding. Everything seemed to have calmed down a bit as the lights–that the group of men have used to see–had become distant, swallowed by darkness. 

Shocked to see you somehow survived this close encounter, you shed tears and sighed from your escape. Whether from crying tears of joy or out of a near death experience, shortly afterwards, you wipe your tears away with your hands and begun to get yourself together to find an escape of this fucked up, loathsome paradise. 

As soon as you get out of your hiding spot, a hand reaches to grab you. Roughly. 

—

You gasp harshly, sitting up from your slumber. You notice that everything was fine. Nothing seemed to have happened like it did. It was all a nightmare. Feeling something heavy, draping over your waist, you turn your side to whatever was holding you–Alejandro. 

Alejandro was still awake as he put his arm over you from whatever he was doing before going to bed with you. After countless nightmares that had kept on bothering your sleep, you had asked one night for Alejandro to sleep with you. Since then, he had been sleeping with you for comfort and reassurance of protection. 

“Sorry. Did I wake you?” You look up at Alejandro after he apologises. His weary eyes that were filled with past trauma softened at you and his hair had looked so fluffy which screamed to be touched–in many different ways. 

You shake your head (as if you now dirty thoughts weren’t just in your head a few seconds ago) that it wasn’t him that had awoken you, but it was the nightmare that had. You take a deep inhale before saying, “A nightmare was what had woken me up.” He sensed that you were in a very uncomfortable state after. 

“I see.” He replies back shortly. “Is there anything I could do?” 

“I wish there could be anything in the world to help me right now to take my mind off of things.” You whispered softly looking away from his attention. 

It was silet afterwards as Alejandro lets you have your moment of quietness to help calm you down. But suddenly it didn’t help you calm down as your heart speeds up after Alejandro says, “What can I do to take your mind off of things?” 

By then, you couldn’t even remember what lead you to this moment as he felt closer to you than before. Like, really close. You felt like there was no oxygen in the room as your face begins to heat up quickly. Your breath hitched as his hand rises up to hold your face gently to kiss you–and to mention also, that you’ve never been kissed or had sex.

“I-I’m a virgin!” You blurted out, embarrassed and ashamed to what's to come after as you stopped Alejandro from kissing you or to lead any further. Now, you just felt terrible. Kissing your bodyguard who your father assigned was messed up. Secretly, you always thought of Alejandro in a different way. Pleasuring yourself many nights as you thought of his hands replacing yours, roaming in different areas that were very inappropriate but felt amazingly good otherwise. 

Now it’s obvious that you were upset. But for Alejandro, he was smiling in his head. Alejandro tilts your chin up with his thumb and index finger for you to look up at him. You can see that he was smirking. “I know, sweetheart,” He said knowingly, with such confidence. “We can take things slow.” 

Before you could say anything to Alejandro, his lips were on yours by the second. Your eyes widened in shock. They felt so soft and tender. You felt warm all over as your lips began to move in motion. As the kiss began to deepen, you felt an opening for your tongue to touch his. Alejandro answers back with such power as you both explored each other’s mouth as he moves his hand down to your waist. Your sweaty palms grab up to clench his navy-blue, buttoned up shirt and the other to touch at his hair. 

Jesus christ, you thought. His hair was so soft than you had ever thought. Your fingertips ever-so softly touching at it. You wouldn’t ever change anything, if you were to have a hot makeout session with Alejandro. You felt a sudden rush of anger as Alejandro paused from kissing you. He rises up from kneeling and reaching over to you after so long. As he moves outwards, you could see that saliva had dripped off from your lips to his as he licked it so sexually. It was hot enough as he did it so intentionally as he stared at you while doing it. 

You can feel that one spot between your legs become very warm and wet. In Alejandro’s eyes, he sees your disheveled appearance, yet eyes filled with lust. 

“You’re my best first kiss.” You said, so out of it.

He chuckles at your response. “I’m glad I was,” he pauses, “I’ve been wanting to do that since.” You blush harder as if you weren’t even blushing before. He notices. 

“I-I want to finish what we’ve started–if that’s alright with you?” You ask so gently, not knowing how to process what you’re wanting. If Alejandro could die from your soft, angelic voice, he would. You were so innocent. So vulnerable. He would kill the world for you. He wanted to take his time with you if he were to take your mind off of things as said before. 

Alejandro gets up from the ruffled bed. As he does so, he opens up the buttons from his sleeves to roll up..slowly.

“W-what are you doing?” You asked. You wanted to know so urgently that you clench the blankets that covered you. He looks down at you. “I want to take things slow, since it’s your first time.” he slowly replies, “I want to make it worthwhile so you can remember it as I explore your body with my fingers first.” 

After he got done rolling up his sleeves, he comes over to you and reaches for the blankets to pull it away from your petite body as you let him willingly. You were very nervous as it’s gonna get very intense later on. But in honesty, you were very excited–well, very horny in other words. As the blankets pull away, you rub your thighs together from the cold breeze that was roaming around in the room. You had only worn your pajama shorts and tank top to sleep–not to mention that you weren’t wearing a bra under it. 

“Don’t worry,” he assures, “I’ll be gentle.” 

You nod in understanding as your soft, doe eyes began to look up at his , “I’ve trusted you from the start. It’s not any difference as to what we’re doing right now.” Shortly, you guys begin to kiss again. This time, the kiss was hungry. You both had wanted more. Alejandro’s hand suddenly roams under the tank top to sofly grasp your naked waist. 

When Alejandro meant by being gentle and taking things slow, he meant it. On the other hand, you were touch-starved. You wanted to him to touch you–anywhere–from the moments you had met him. Suddenly, he moves to where your back was leaning against him as he lays against the headboard of the bed. Your head begins to fall back onto his shoulder as he softly pinches your nipple through your tanktop. You moan as he twists his thumb and middle-finger whilst he pinched your nipple in such a slow rhythm and the other massaging your other breast. 

Alejandro repeats the action over and over as your nipples perk up through your shirt as you incoherently say words that he can’t make out. You arch your back so suddenly in a jolt, as you feel his hand that was on your breast lead down to touch your covered sex slowly moving up and down. You’re panting harder and your face so flushed, desiring the sinful touches from Alejandro. ‘This is way better than my dreams’, you had thought.

As it it couldn’t get any better, Alejandro then moves up and down into your sex under your underwear. “Oh my god!” you moaned. Your hand grabs at his hair from behind to hold onto as you feel his fingers move in circles of your pussy, making it wetter than it was before. 

Alejandro chuckles to himself, loving this sight of you as you bite your lips from being too loud hopefully not causing any noises for neighbors to hear as the windows are opened for the Colombian breeze coming into the bedroom. “You’re doing so well for me, baby.” He praises. His voice was so deep, yet husky, making you melt like butter. You would’ve never imagined him calling you that ever. 

“Did you ever thought about me in this way? Me touching you in so many ways that your father doesn’t know about?” 

You could only nod as you couldn’t think straight. You moaned again as he speeds up his movements. “I need you speak up for me. Can you do that?” He gently asks you. You whimpered as you feel that knot in your stomach from Alejandro rubbing your pussy at a pace. 

“Yes, Alejandro.” You whimpered out. 

“Good girl.” 

Feeling so close to your climax, his middle-finger dives into the opening of your pussy fingering you with only one at the moment. Your eyes roll back as your back arches more than it possibly could as Alejandro grunts from the sudden impact as you grind yourself into his hands and the bulge that begun to show in Alejandro’s pants. “I’m so close!” You cried out as you start getting closer to cumming. Seconds later, Alejandro inserts another finger and thumb rubbing against your clit to add more to the max. 

Alejandro smiles. “There you go. Good girl.” He kept on praising you as you clenched around his fingers and were beginning to cum. You felt like you were seeing stars on the ceiling; seeing a whole different universe beyond. His hands felt so amazing. “F-fuck, Ale-Alejandro. Please.” You whimpered softly, hand still roaming at his hair and the other reaching down at his. Alejandro hums in compliance. He nips at you earlobe and down to your neck. You couldn’t take enough of the pressure as he didn’t stop fingering you. You were trying your best to wiggle yourself away from the hot pressure that had kept on repeating, but you couldn’t as he grabs your thighs quickly stopping from closing in. 

“Uh-uh.” Alejandro uttered in disagreement from your actions. “I’m not done just yet. I want you to remember this.” 

—

After cumming twice on his fingers, it’s no surprise that you had actually squirted for the first time on the bed (and on him) as he pleasured you with his delicate fingers. It was very dreadful for you as you apologized profusely, but for Alejandro, he was so pleased and delighted at the thought of what could happen if he replaced his fingers with something very much larger. After Alejandro cleaned you up with a warm, wet rag and gave you a different pair of clothes–that were actually his, but you didn’t question it–you effortlessly fell onto the now changed bed sheets and blankets that Alejandro had put on. 

“Umm..” you began to say to stop the silence in the room. Alejandro tilts his head towards your direction as he gently places a glass of water on the counter of your side of the bed. “I just want to say thank you.” You say not knowing what to do as you play with his hands as he sits beside you to past time. 

“You’re welcome.” He responds back instantly, responding back to your touch. He could see that you were exausted from the session not too long ago.

It was like you couldn’t look at him, as if you felt ashamed. But in action, Alejandro carries your attention by pulling your face into another gentle kiss in a sense to assure you. You answer back by smiling into the kiss and holding his cheek and the other around his neck, kissing the night away.

—

another note : wheeeww! that took very long! i hope you enjoyed reading! feedback would be amazing as this is my very first fanfic i’ve ever    published on tumblr!  

thank you! :D

[ask-spider-man-61610]

Specs, you’re a good spider, right? At the very least, you’re a hell of a lot better than I am. You don’t need to get down here, we’ll handle ourselves just fine. I need.. I need advice.

How do you steel yourself for the most horrible things you’ll ever see? I feel like a child to admit it but I’m finding.. difficult.. to move forward. I know what I must do to survive down here and for the most part, I was managing this just fine.

But something about my last encounter hit me in a way that I wasn’t anticipating. I recognize it from what I’ve seen from my father when he came back from the war; I believe the term for it is “combat fatigue”. Not a doctor by any means, but I’ve seen it in action for a long enough time to draw some connections to it.

But unlike my father, I don’t really.. have a place to rest. How do I convince the rest of myself to keep going in spite of this?

- @ask-percyparker

I wish there was an easy answer, Perce. I really do.

I've been in that position...a few times over my career. Or maybe a few hundred. I haven't really kept track. I understand the feelings of...of numbness, hypervigilance, lingering fear and anger and guilt...in my time period, it's not called combat fatigue anymore. Its official name is post-traumatic stress disorder. And, if you're very, very lucky, time and distance will eventually take some of the edge off.

I'm not lucky. But that's beside the point.

Methods of managing it--ignoring therapy as an option, because in your case it isn't--tend to be slipshod, and their effectiveness tends to vary. Sometimes the stuff I do works great, sometimes it's all but useless. When I was fifteen and my symptoms were just starting to get debilitating, Aunt May taught me some exercises with controlled breathing that I still use to settle myself during an episode. Talking to people I love and trust takes a lot of the weight off my shoulders...although, I'll admit, it takes some effort and bravery to make myself start those conversations. You've got Theo and MJ; allowing yourself to lean on them will help more than you can imagine, even though I know every instinct you have is terrified of being that vulnerable. It's hard, but it's worth it. Usually.

And to brace myself for the future?

...That's even harder. I'm not sure there is a good way to do it. But what I do is keep those loved ones close to my chest, and keep myself focused on why I put myself through this fuckery.

I was an awful, awful kid in my first few months as a vigilante; mostly just out there to vent my frustrations and get some photos to sell and ease that knot of guilt in my stomach about what happened to Ben. And because I was in it entirely for myself, those first few disasters hit harder than I think they would've now. I almost quit like a dozen times back then. But eventually I started to realize how many people my selfishness hurt, and how much I could genuinely help if I tried, and I started to understand my...my obligation to help where I could. My responsibility.

I won't say that understanding and accepting that responsibility made me a better person, because I'm not sure it did. But it did give me the strength to keep trying. To push forward and roll with the punches, because I wasn't just doing it for me anymore. I can't promise it'll do the same for you--but it might be a start.

[ladymischievous]

Emergency Moving Fund for an Abuse Survivor

I’m Vero, and I am an abuse survivor. I’m looking to move and get my life on track. For most of my life, I’ve been gaslit, neglected, parentified, and traumatized by members of my family. It’s taken years of therapy to come to terms with how bad my situation actually was and still, sometimes it’s hard to accept. I’m not in a good environment. The house I live in is very old and not safe to live in if I’m being honest. It has black mold, it’s slowly rotting and falling apart, and it’s a place of bad memories. I have little support and I can’t stay here. So, I’m reaching out to anyone that may be willing to help.

I’ve had to put my life on hold, to look after my grandma in her final years of life. She was one of my abusers, she could be mean and bitter one moment then sweet and loving the next. I’ve had to watch over and be an emotional crutch to my younger brother. He was a drunk, keeping me up all night, scolding me for needing therapy. He’d say I didn’t need it, that I should rely on him and family only. Once, while he was very drunk, he tried to break into my bedroom. I had locked it but in a drunken rage, not able to get to me, he almost broke through the door and partially tore the frame off the wall. When I begged our mother for help, I was told that “You weren’t afraid, just annoyed. Your brother loves you, he’d never hurt you. He has every right to be drunk in that house.” That’s only scratching the surface of things, but yeah, life wasn’t great.

It’s not easy for me to ask for help, I feel guilty, I feel like I don't deserve it. But I find myself having little choice. Things have been rough lately. My uncle is struggling with his work and I’ve had to go through my savings to make sure the bills are paid. It’s eaten through my moving fund. My family owes me money but I’m likely never going to see it again. So, I’m in trouble.

I’m trying to get together enough money to safely move with a friend of mine who I know I can trust and have a little to get started on living for myself. I work hard at my job, and I’ve put in a lot of work in improving my mental and emotional health. I’ve made a lot of progress but I’m currently stuck.

I’ll admit it, I’m afraid to leave, I’m terrified of leaving the only things I’ve ever known. My hands are shaking as I write this, thinking about the future. But if I want to keep getting better, if I want to survive, I have to let go and move on with my life. I have to take this step but I need help.

If you can spare anything to this Gofundme, I’d greatly appreciate it. If you can’t, I’d be just as grateful if you could spread this around. Thank you for your time.

Gofundme Link:

https://gofund.me/ca27de02

[stargirlfeyre]

SJM isn’t the best author by any means. But I always thought her books were fun and easy to read. However when reading ACOSF, it wasn’t fun - it was just funny - and not in a good way. Like when Nesta saw the children devastated by the war, and she was like I want to scare them, I’m a monster, I’m a terrifying creature of despair. I couldn’t help but laugh because why? What exactly was the point of that scene? Why even put that in? All the sudden, Nesta’s some edgelord who hates everyone, including kids traumatized by war.

I also noticed SJM has the habit of telling the audience instead of showing the audience. She does this in many of her books, but especially in ACOSF. When Nesta was talking to Azriel and claimed that she didn’t need to resort to threats or some stupid thing like that, was strange to say the least. At this point, Nesta was adamant about never using her powers, only trained for a couple weeks if that, and has continually threatened everyone around her (especially her youngest sister) while doing absolutely nothing to support her threats. I don’t really understand what SJM was trying to display by writing this scene. Like am I supposed to be intimidated and awed by Nesta, when she’s only in her twenties, has refused to train, has done absolutely nothing as her family starved, as she threatens a centuries old spymaster who has years of combat training?

People picking apart the original series and being upset because it doesn’t heavily focus on politics will always be funny to me because babe, this is just a books about faeries, falling in love, and overcoming trauma. The “politics” aren’t a main focus on the story. It’s SUPPOSED to just be a fun series that you can relate to and enjoy.

I think one of Mass’ biggest mistakes was making acosf NA instead of sticking to the YA format the former books had. With the main series being YA that means sjm got to (or HAD to) focus more on these characters’ growth and romance outside of sex. Yes the main series does have sex in it but compared to acosf? She couldn’t just write dozens of sex scenes or use cringe language (pretty little c*nt) and that forced her to put some actual thought behind her writing. With acosf I think she got excited over the fact that this book would be NA so she just went all out. And I think she tried too hard to make this book edgy and “adult” that it just came off as ridiculous. Examples, Nesta trying to scare little kids walking down the street or Nesta telling Gwyn to get out of her sight.

Sjm’s tactic with getting people to like Nesta in acosf was all just tell not show. She didn’t put an effort into SHOWING Nesta was a good person rather she just had every other character say it and expect readers to just accept it. The characterization we get from other people on who Nesta is vs how she is when we read from her pov is staggering. On top of that it makes it seem as if these characters don’t actually know who Nesta is and are seeing her through the “rose colored glasses” people swear Feyre has. That scene with Azriel was the most blatant Mary Sue shit I’ve ever scene. This 25 year old is threatening a 500+ year old warrior who’s been in multiple battles and we’re supposed to believe that he’s taking her seriously? That this scene is not “intense”. No it’s just a joke😭.

[arceespinkgun]

Masculinity and Relationships: TFA Vs. Beast Wars

In another post I compared some things from TFP and TFA to show a way in which TFP was lacking—this time, I want to compare a theme I noticed in TFA to BW to show a way in which TFA was lacking. This is a thought I’ve had rattling around in my head since finishing TFA but couldn’t figure out how to articulate until recently. This will probably sound weird until I explain it, but in short: why does TFA give me a subtle vibe of toxic masculinity with how it portrays men and their relationships with other men? Note: major spoilers for all of TFA and BW. 

And I’m going to start in a strange place by asking, who gets to cry in TFA?

In TFA, I remember two characters crying and it being portrayed in a sympathetic/sad light: Sari, and Blackarachnia. When Sari cries, she’s offered comfort, and is clearly intended to be sympathetic. Blackarachnia cries alone, but the music cue and everything demonstrate that she is grieving and alone and full of self-hatred and that this moment is meant to indicate her complexity and make you sympathize with her. These two characters are also the most prominent women in TFA.

But they aren’t the only characters who endure really horrible things. Almost every single major character in the show has trauma... but none of them ever cry due to it. And I don’t think that it would be OOC for any other character to do this.

This is why I want to bring BW into this discussion. The show is highly imperfect, but I’ll always give it credit for having a male villain break down crying and that being portrayed in a fully sympathetic light. Rampage always had a traumatic backstory and I would argue was always (unintentionally?) highly sympathetic given that he is a slave to the main villain, but up until the episode “Transmutate” he had basically solely been shown to be terrifying and monstrous. But then this episode has him bond with the only other person he feels has gone through the painful creation he did, and he sobs when he loses that friend. And the show goes out of its way to have other characters comment on this moment to really let the viewers know that this is a humanizing moment for Rampage. 

In TFA, it’s basically unimaginable for me to picture the show having a male villain cry and that not being a joke. They never even have a male hero cry! And it’s not like TFA doesn’t have male villains who have experience trauma either, we know from lore that Blitzwing has undergone trauma and that Blackarachnia is the one who preformed the procedure that turned him into a triple-changer, and the other Decepticons constantly beat on him for his “instability,” so I think he would have reasons to be sad—but I know TFA could never for a villain who’s a man. 

Speaking of Blitzwing, I want to transition to discussing that the way TFA portrays relationships between men also contributes to the toxic masculinity vibes. I often find myself joking that the Predacons Waspinator and Terrorsaur from BW had what Blitzwing and Lugnut wishes they had. These are both comedic relief villain duos, but in BW Terrorsaur and Waspinator are often shown hanging out or having fun together even though they also squabble, and they help each other. Their competitiveness is clearly friendly. This is especially notable since Waspinator is known to be one of the unluckiest characters in the entire franchise! 

Whereas Blitzwing and Lugnut are strangely introduced in a way that would suggest that they’d be friends (with Blitzwing sticking up for Lugnut)... but then it’s like this is never demonstrated again nor reciprocated. Blitzwing generally treats Lugnut well, but to me at least, it seems like 90% of their interactions consist of Blitzwing doing something minor and innocuous that annoys Lugnut, and then Lugnut yells at him or attacks him. Honestly, I feel like Lugnut treats Blitzwing terribly and I can’t really find any moment in the show to point to and be like, look, they’re friends! The only thing that really comes to mind for me is a moment in one of the canon comics where they pummel Swindle together, but that was after an entire issue’s worth of them subjecting each other cartoonish violence.

I’ve talked a lot about villains here because I want to point out that while BW lets even its male villains have some degree of tenderness, TFA can barely have this even with its male heroes. In BW, there are all kinds of relationships between men. Some have a lot of conflict, some don’t and remain mostly steady. But when the show has tender moments between its men, they tend to be a lot more blatant than in TFA, and they normally aren’t sandwiched between tons and tons of conflict. A nice example might be when in “Gorilla Warfare,” Dinobot visits Optimus Primal in his room and puts a flower on his nightstand. Earlier in the episode, they had a single minor argument about each other’s methods, and that was about it and this tender scene is how it’s resolved. 

An example of a relationship with more conflict overall would be Dinobot and Rattrap, who argue constantly, but they also have moments of clear comradery interspersed throughout the show. Plus, the show goes out of its way to have characters comment on the fact that their bickering is good, maybe even comforting, at the end of the episode “Victory.” They’re bickering after the Axalon gets grounded, and Optimus is like, “They’re taking it well,” and Cheetor replies, “Wouldn’t want ‘em any other way.” I feel like this is a clear acknowledgement that this is how Dinobot and Rattrap express affection for each other—and then of course, in one of the most memorable moments in the whole franchise, when Dinobot dies, Rattrap holds his hand gently as he goes offline and is the first to salute him after his death. He even trembles while holding hands with Dinobot and presses his forehead against their joined hands. This may be an instance of a heroic man crying.

But as I mentioned before, in BW, the show doesn’t even always preface positive moments between men with conflicts. For instance, I know I’ve joked about Rhinox putting his life at risk by astral projecting to save Optimus’s spark before—and Rhinox and Optimus are old friends who very rarely were in conflict during the show. 

I’m saying all of this to contrast with how touching moments in friendships between men are shown (or not) in TFA. Something I noticed TFA does is that it will have details that would imply or suggest a friendship, but... it’s just not there. One example is when Bumblebee gets upset that Blurr is accidentally sent through the space bridge in “A Bridge Too Close.” I would think it’s the reaction of a worried friend... but they interacted like, what, twice before this point? In the first episode they interacted in, Blurr didn’t even speak! There was no development of a bond. 

Another case IMO is Prowl and Jazz, two characters who are also one of the most popular ships in the fandom. They seem to get along well, and Jazz is the one to catch Prowl’s dead body—in fact, he’s the only one who gets to witness Prowl’s death. I know I mentioned earlier how in BW, one of the most significant moments between Dinobot and Rattrap was when Dinobot died. But when Prowl dies, I honestly don’t feel like Jazz emoted that much? And the moment was so brief, it was nothing like the lingering tender scene between Rattrap and Dinobot. But even beyond Prowl’s death, where were all the moments where Jazz and Prowl got to bond in this show? There was one nice moment at the end of “Five Servos of Doom” where Jazz says Prowl deserves Yoketron’s helmet, but other than that, they never really spend time together as friends. In fact, I remember being annoyed by the way a lot of time with the two of them is spent with Jazz getting on Prowl’s case for not having completed his Cyber-Ninja training (especially annoying to me because I think Yoketron was an awful teacher). In fact, one of their first ever interactions in “The Elite Guard” has Jazz quipping, “Guess you never got that far in your Cyber-Ninja training.”

In other cases, there will be a friendship, but so much of the time spent with it involves conflict that I really think it starts to make the friendship look bad. Words cannot describe how frustrated I was by everybody in season 3 constantly doubting Bulkhead’s skill as an engineer. I could make a whole other post about how Bumblebee (stated multiple times to be Bulkhead’s best friend!) especially treats Bulkhead badly. And it was frustrating to see two characters who you’d expect to have a lot of commonalities and who would be able to bond over their close ties to Sari—Bulkhead and Professor Sumdac—basically only bickering over science all the time when it would have made so much sense for them to be close friends! Many of Bulkhead’s episodes were about him being taking advantage of or his friends treating him poorly—it would have been so good!

Something else disappointing is that I feel like when it comes to friendships without lots of conflict, TFA came very close to having Bulkhead and Prowl have this. But as the show went on, especially as it barely utilized the Dinobots, it seems like these two had fewer and fewer nice moments together and their bond wasn’t really focused on past season 1. 

And even though they clearly got along well, there was still that entire early episode devoted to Prowl accidentally making Bulkhead feel bad about himself. In contrast, in BW, the Maximal Depth Charge is introduced so late into the show that there were only twelve episodes left, but the writers took enough time to set up conflict between him and Rattrap in one episode and have them develop a friendship, develop it further in at least two other episodes, and had Rattrap react to and be visibly affected by Depth Charge’s death more so than other characters, creating a complete arc. 

Finally, when it comes to tender gestures between men, I really feel like the ones from BW are more intimate. I mean, there wasn’t any sad handholding between men in TFA. I think the most tenderness we ever got in TFA between men was probably how Optimus Prime and Sentinel interacted near the end of the episode “Predacons Rising,” starting when Optimus takes Sentinel in his arms in Blackarachnia’s lab and then to the farewell scene at the episode’s conclusion. 

But by this point in TFA the writers have had (and then would have one more time!!!) so many episodes where Optimus and Sentinel fight the entire time and then have some kind of reconciliatory moment at the end, over and over, which means we the viewers basically never get to see them being friendly. It’s the same kind of problem I described earlier where a friendship is implied, but then not really shown. Basically every episode with Sentinel in it follows this format. It’s frustrating because like, in BW, Rattrap and Dinobot fight a lot (as do most characters honestly, everyone is deranged in that show) but their friendship moments aren’t always relegated to the ends of episodes that are all about them fighting! Sometimes they just have close moments in episodes that aren’t about them. 

This is especially noticeable, I think, because in TFA you can also think about the way Optimus interacts with Blackarachnia. Blackarachnia isn’t an Autobot, and she’s villainous, and I’m pretty sure she only interacts with Optimus in three (so few!!!) episodes of the show. In contrast, Sentinel is an Autobot and interacts with Optimus in I believe nine episodes. Both of these characters were best friends with Optimus in the past but have problems with him in the present day because of their shared tragic backstory. But Blackarachnia, even though we get such little time with her, is shown crying over how alone she is and she gets to be held close by Optimus multiple times despite nearly killing Optimus’s friends multiple times. With Sentinel and Optimus, even though a lot more time was spent showing Sentinel interacting with Optimus, it’s like they have to jump through way more hoops to get even a fraction of the payoff and to have any kind of friendship moment. This post isn’t really about misogyny, but that’s also very much at play here. 

I kind of feel like the dynamics between Prowl and Bulkhead and Optimus and Sentinel have opposite problems. Prowl and Bulkhead had friendly moments that weren’t relegated to the ends of their spotlight episodes... but then their friendship was basically completely out-of-focus for the rest of the show and never developed beyond season 1. Whereas Sentinel doesn’t make an appearance on Earth until season 2, so all the episodes where he and Optimus rebuild their friendship are after season 1... but while a lot of episodes were devoted to the development of their friendship all the way to the end of the show, it’s like we never got to see much of the friendship part!

TL;DR My conclusion about all of these trends in TFA would be that the lack of intimacy between men the lack of expressions of sadness from men that women were allowed to have give the show an air of toxic masculinity and repression, while the way BW handled men managed to avoid these bad vibes. 

[mannatea]

Starting a new “thread” of these because the other is getting way too fucking long. You can read it here if you’re just finding this one. Starting at Ep242 “Learn to Fuse!/Gohan Revived—Kaoshin’s Secret Weapon!?”

I just have to admit that the sub voice for Boo is literally the most terrifying shit imaginable, like…the dub made him giggly and cutesy…which is also creepy but not nearly to the degree the sub Boo is. He’s honestly just horrifying lmfao.

Imagine being unfortunate enough to look even remotely like Trunks or Goten right now lmao.

“Everything can be brought back with the dragonballs.” Except Gohan and Vegeta I guess, because you guys just ignore them. What am I missing here. I mean, I get why they'd accept Vegeta's death but GOHAN? Am I insane.

I love how the first thing Gohan does upon waking us is accept that he’s dead and look for a halo LOL. I love him so much 😭

Sorry, Goten is the funniest character. When Trunks tells him it’s bad manners to talk at the table and not eat politely he just starts sippin his soup and ignoring everything to "be polite". What a fucking masterpiece.

Goku telling the boys to stop crying because there’s not time for it lmfao. Goku I am going to flick you back into the Other World with my middle finger, jfc man. Sorry they wouldn’t give a shit if you died, but they do care about Vegeta and Gohan lmao.

But also why is this continuing to be such a big deal when THE DRAGON BALLS SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT GOHAN BACK ANYWAY. They should be looking for him right now. And Shin too actually… wtf.

Goku doesn’t even give them a hug or any comfort or anything. I mean I know Goku’s like…a dummy but mannnnnnn they’re little kids. “You two, stop your endless sobbing!” My brother in christ I will kill you again myself. This is probably like 50% of the reason Gohan ended up so traumatized lol.

Honestly more people should feel badly for ChiChi, since they imagine she lost her son and husband now.

Poor Videl honestly. Imagine having to deal with all these weird people. They’re just like. Heard it from a friend whoooo heard it from a friendddd whoooo heard it from another that Gohan is deaaaadddddd. 🎵 No wonder she’s like WTfing all over the place. Nobody’s explained this ki shit to her to an extent where she would understand they literally can’t sense his lifeforce anymore so it has to sound absolutely bonkers that they’re just all believing it without even one shred of proof.

Krillin just giving her the most “oh, honey ☹” look that I’ve ever seen in my life HAHAH.

YOU GUYS LITERALLY WISHED EVERYONE BACK WHO DIED TODAY IS THIS A PLOT HOLE THAT EVERYONE IS SO STUPID OR WHAT. Like Vegeta not coming back makes sense: he’s definitely falling into the “bad guys” list of people not to bring back. BUT GOHAN? NO WAY LOL. I feel insane.

“I absolutely won’t believe such a thing!” Honestly Videl, you’re correct here…even though it’s weird for you to be that confident after you just saw what Boo is capable of and haven’t ever seen Gohan truly fight anyone lol. BUT ASLO AGAIN WHY ARE YOU NOT ASKING ABOUT THE DRAGONBALLS YOU JUST SAW THEM WISH EVERYONE BACK TO LIFE LMAO. WHY AREN'T YOU QUESTIONING THAT SPECIFICALLY.

I mean this is obviously a plot hole/something nobody thought through.

If the wish had been made much earlier (i.e., Bulma and Co. left to make the wish before Gohan had “died”) it would make sense that people were sad about him being dead—because he really would be dead. It doesn’t explain why nobody’s just like “eh, we’ll bring him back in four months” but at least in every other regard this would make a lot more sense.

They could have played around with the idea of Gohan being unable to come back thinking the manner in which he died might have been particularly horrific…or even that Gohan chose not to return, but all we have is this silly plot hole.

(I’m rolling my eyes because it makes all these characters just seem so incredibly stupid and NONE of them are that dumb.)

Something something everyone is like actively grieving and I’m not surprised more people don’t try to think of, say, Videl’s feelings, but man oh man with that plot hole staring me in the face it’s hard to take seriously.

ALSO ALSO they don’t HAVE four months to wait to revive Gohan anyway, so I’m sorta surprised nobody’s says that…or even just, “honey in five days we’re all going to join Gohan anyway soooo.”

I googled this shit because it was driving me insane, only to find a Reddit thread that pretty much told me that DBZ fans don’t possess even one grain of media literacy whatsoever. Fellas it’s called a plot hole; sometimes authors make mistakes just admit it and move on. LOL

Mr. Satan still not concerned about his daughter at all.

Krillin is actually the best, I love him so much.

SSJ3? Hideous. But that’s the price you pay for power.

Goku should just instant transmission himself and Buu to the sun. It'd save me a lot of time.