#it was so so fun my bf is lame and stupid and weird sometimes but I feel like hes one of the few ppl I cam say literally anything to | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hockeyboysimagines · 8 months

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So far from the stars

Chapter 1

Pairings: Jeremy Swayman x Courtney Sullivan

Warnings: language, angst, kissing, alcohol/bars.

No summary because this one is written on the fly! Enjoy. Shoutout to my dear friend @cellythefloshie for sharing her goalie bf with me in light of recent events. If you guys haven’t visited her profile and read her stuff, you’ve been living under a rock.

“Do you wanna get drinks or something tomorrow night?”

Courtney glanced up from her spot on the couch to where Jeremy was sitting and smiled at him.

Most days she felt like the luckiest girl maybe ever to have him in her life. He was sweet, and thoughtful and one of her closest friends, and had been for years. There was really only one issue with their friendship.

He was madly in love with her and she had no idea.

He thought he made it obvious but she either didn’t want to recognize it or truly just didn’t have a clue. It was tough. He felt like his heart was constantly breaking when he saw her go on dates, or someone flirt with her at the bar. Sometimes he just wanted to grab her, shake her, get down on one knee and profess his love for her, but he was too afraid of what might happen when he did. So he would go back to secretly pining, and hanging on her every word, being the best friend he could be until she saw him otherwise.

He didn’t hold it against her, but it had made him a little bit bitter. Anytime they went out together he ended up being in a foul mood by the first time some douche got the courage to go near her. He wasn’t surprised, she was gorgeous and would be anywhere, but in Alaska she was out of everyone’s league.

Including his.

He couldn’t help it though, his feelings were now too big to ignore and he wasn’t sure what else he could do about it. He wouldn’t tell her, he couldn’t, risk losing her friendship if it completely weirded her out. So he would keep it to himself hoping that she would one day feel the same about him.

But he wasn’t holding his breath, because by the time she realized it he might be dead.

“Sure.” She said, smiling sweetly at him. He felt his face get red and his heart fluttered just a little bit.

He felt so stupid and lame every time and if he could he would kick himself in his own ass for how much of an idiot he made of himself around her, but he couldn’t help it.

She was special.

He smiled back trying to keep his cool “Really?”

“Yeah?” She frowned and ember eyebrows knitted tightly “Why wouldn’t I wanna hang out with my best friend?”

Best friend.

Most people would love to hear that, it would make them fuzzy inside.

But it made him sick.

He loved being her best friend, but it wasn’t enough for him anymore. He wanted to be another word that started with a B and ended with a friend, and the only friend he was right now was the friend zone, and by now he’d been there so long he was beginning to grow roots.

“I don’t know. Just wasn’t sure if you had something better to do. It is Friday after all.”

“If I had something better to do I would be out doing it.” She winked and he coughed to cover up the nervous giggle that would escape if he didn’t.

She glanced back down at her phone and started reading him a story from her phone. One of his favorite things to do was listen to her read out loud. She was so well spoken and articulate and her voice warmed his soul. At the moment, she was reading him a story about mysterious disappearances and even though it would surely give him nightmares, he would listen till his ears bled, because only she could make it sound so good.

The light was shining right on her, reflecting off her long soft hair, eyelashes casting shadows on her cheeks as she spoke. He often found himself just openly staring at her, completely zoned out from everything around him. Their friend group, who all knew how he felt, made fun of him for it but he didn’t care. But it made him wonder how other people could see his feelings and she couldn't.

“Pretty crazy right?” She turned to look at him.

“What? Oh yeah. Brutal.”

“Better not be rude to me ever again.” She smiled mischievously “This is giving me lots of ideas.”

He rolled his eyes “You would never.”

She laughed and smiled at him “Your right. I could never go on without you.” She stretched out and rested her legs across his lap and gave him a nudge “Rub my ankles. I have another story for you.”

If a stranger had walked through her door right now, they would think they were a couple. They looked like one.

Why were they not a couple.

He let his hand move up her ankle, down her socked foot and back up, fingers grazing her skin as he did. She gave a little shiver and continued to read to him, legs pressing up against his, sending a wave of heat through him.

Sometimes he hated his life.

**********

Thursday ended and Friday afternoon drug on agonizingly slow.

Left to his own devices, by 3 pm he was lying on his back staring at his ceiling thinking as usual, about Courtney.

He did this every morning, and every night before bed.

He couldn’t believe how big his feelings were sometimes. He had always felt hard to ignore emotions when it came to her but they’d been magnified more in the last year than ever before.

In high school, he assumed it was teenage infatuation and he’d grow out of them due to her stupid boyfriend Brad. When he didn’t he figured they’d go away if he met someone else. When that didn’t work he was absolutely sure that Boston would take those feelings away.

But if anything, his first day back in Alaska had magnified his feelings times 2.

And now he was here, daydreaming about a girl who thought they were just friends.

He was a real idiot.

He closed his eyes and went over it in his head again for what seemed like the millionth time.

In high school, they’d met in freshman English. He’d nearly failed, and she had been the only reason he’d made it out. Their school was relatively small so it didn’t take long for them to become friends and eventually close friends. Halfway through freshman year they had their own blended friend group, and that’s when the feelings started. Small at first, just an occasional flutter in his stomach around her now and again. But the time they were sophomores, they were pretty prominent and obvious.

Or so he thought.

He figured that by the end of the year she’d realize how he felt and with fingers crossed she too would feel the same.

But then Sophomore year came and went, and he was still wasting away in the friend zone.

Junior year was gonna be his year. They’d spent all summer together with their friends, he’d gotten a little bit bolder with his hints, and he was positive she knew now. He bounced out of bed on the first day of a school and walked into the front doors like a gladiator walking into the coliseum. And there was was with Brad.

What the fuck.

He didn’t even know Brad but he hated him and didn’t hide it. He spent all of junior year doing anything and everything he could to make his feelings go away and nothing worked. He’d even had a girlfriend.

In fact he’d had two.

But it didn’t work.

And when she’d shown up at his house crying because she found that Brad also had two girlfriends, he wanted to scream, cry and praise the gods and shake Brad’s hand for giving him one last chance.

But when he realized how hurt she actually was, he knew it wouldn’t be right to try and begin something with her when she was upset about the end of something else. It also made him realize he wanted to punch Brad in the face.

They’d become closer than ever that summer, and slowly she started to heal from it. He was very gentle with her, starting out with small hints, lots of support, and being everything she needed. Not just because he liked her in a romantic way, but because he wanted to be what she needed him to be. He wanted to be that guy for her.

And it hadn’t worked anyway.

He left for Maine and just gave up. He didn’t see the point in continuing to get his hopes up when it clearly wasn’t meant to be. He wasn’t going to force a relationship with her before it was supposed to happen, if it would ever. They’d stayed friends, talked almost everyday, and were always hanging out when he came home but that’s where it stalled.

And now he was here. In the same spot he’d been for what seemed like ages, kicking himself because he had so many chances to come out and say it and never did.

He felt his phone vibrating and reached around for it, seeing it was Justin and rolled his eyes knowing he was about to endure another round of being made fun of “Hello.”

“Don’t sound so excited. What are you doing?”

“Sitting here listening to this really annoying sound. What are you doing?”

“Ha ha. Let’s do something tonight.”

“I can’t-I-I’m going out with Courtney for drinks.” He was quiet and then continued “Go ahead. Make fun.”

“I’m not gonna make fun of you. It’s not funny anymore, just a little sad.”

“Fuck off.”

Justin chuckled on the other end of the phone “Just tell her buddy. You’re gonna feel so much better when you do.”

“That’s easy for you to say.” He said flatly.

His friends and hers, which were the only other girls in the group besides herself, didn’t seem to understand his hesitation. It seemed so simple to them, and maybe it was and he was overthinking it. They had this fantasy that she would realize she liked him and they’d live happily ever after, but he wasn’t too sure.

“So this is like a date?”

“What? No I don’t think so…why would you ask me that?”

“Well I don’t know. I mean usually we do something as a group and now you two are hanging out alone without the group.”

He frowned and looked at the light above his bed “So?”

“So… I’m just saying it seems like you guys have been hanging out by yourselves a lot.”

He frowned and looked back at the ceiling “Does that mean it’s a date?”

“No….but it doesn’t mean it’s not a date either.”

He sat upright nearly dropping his phone “Your right it does and I have to-“

“Woah woah woah. Don’t get ahead of yourself I-“

“Too late gotta go bye.” He hung up amidst the protesting from the other end of the phone and chucked it on his bed, not bothering to pick it up when it bounced and hit the floor, rushing to the bathroom to shower.

45 minutes later he found himself parking his car, and leaned forward to rest his forehead against the steering wheel.

He had no idea what he was doing.

He had been running on pure adrenaline at the idea that this may have been a date, even though he really has no clue if it was or not. He feared he was getting himself hyped up again for no reason, and yet he couldn’t help it.

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and exhaled.

You can do this.

He opened the door, and made his way in, thankful that it wasn’t overly crowded and looked around for her. She was sitting at the bar already, phone in hand, jacket slung over the back of the stool.

She turned and spotted him, hair sliding across her back catching the light “Hey!” She hopped off her barstool and made her way to him, pulling him into a hug.

“Hey.” He smiled and ran a hand up her back as she hugged him tightly, and smiled a little because he was the envy for a minute of every guy in the bar, all of whom were looking at her as she hugged him.

She was smiling a mile wide and jerked her head back “Come on I saved you a spot.” She reached for his hand and pulled him forward. He glanced down at her hand wrapped up in his and felt a flush come to his face.

SHE’S HOLDING MY HAND

She looked incredible. She always did, but something about the way she looked today made all those other days seem like nothing. And then He realized he said that to himself every time he saw her.

He followed her towards two bar stools and sat down next to her, asking the bartender for a beer. She had a glass of amber liquid with ice on a coaster in front of her. He ordered a beer and turned to her, feeling bold.

“You look nice.”

She glanced down and then back up “Me?”

“No that guy over there. Of course I mean you.”

“Thanks.” She looked at him confused and he frowned.

“What?”

“Nothing you’ve just…never said that to me before.”

“I haven’t? Well I should. Someone should always tell you that.” He realized how lame that sounded and quickly changed the subject “You want a shot?”

She made a face “Ehhhh. I didn’t know this was a shot kind of evening.”

“I mean if you can’t handle a shot it’s fine.” He smiled a little and turned to see her raise her eyebrows.

“I can handle a shot.”

“Mmmmm I don’t think you can.” He said, giving her a sideways glance.

She grinned slowly “Sounds a little bit like a challenge. You’re on.”

Drink for drink, shot for shot they went, talking and laughing like always. Having conversations with him was one of her favorite things about him.

“I mean I have Kasey and Veronica, but that’s the extent of my girlfriends. You know that.”

He shrugged “Who needs girlfriends when you have someone like me?”

She laughed and leaned forward on the bar, the back of her shirt riding up a little. He felt his face get warm and looked anywhere but at her.

“I mean it would be nice. Then you wouldn’t be forced to hang out with me all the time.”

He scoffed “Hanging out with you is the best part of my day.”

“No-“

“No it is. I’m serious!” He said when she looked at him skeptically “We always have a good time don’t we?”

“I mean of course always have a good time.”

“And anyways I think after everything that’s gone down with some of your girl friends, it’s better that you keep the ones you have and don’t get anymore.”

He was talking about Annie, Brads other girlfriend, who had once been her friend. She had never quite gotten over the betrayal.

“True. Still can’t believe she did that.”

“I can.” He glanced at her and cleared his throat “I didn’t like her from the start. She was a horrible friend. But I never thought she’d do that. Did she ever tell you why?”

“Nope.” She took a sip of her drink before she continued “ I never asked but I’ve always wondered and I’m really not sure. Why do you think she did it?”

He shrugged and rubbed the stubble on his chin “I don’t know. Being too nice, too beautiful? Girls can be pretty jealous.”

She rolled her eyes and laughed “Well that can’t be true. I don’t think I’m that nice and I’m definitely not too beautiful-“

“I think you’re HOT.” He said loudly cutting her off and leaning forward.

The alcohol had numbed his senses and loosened him up more than she’d ever seen him. Things he wouldn’t normally say to her were coming out, and she kind of liked it. Even though they’d known each other for a long time he was still a little bit shy with her. But this was a whole new Jeremy.

“Really?” She said raising an eyebrow.

“Come on. You know you are.”

She shrugged “I don’t really think about that stuff, and even if I am it’s never gotten me anywhere.” She paused and then smiled a little “Except on dates with every idiot in Anchorage.”

“Not on any dates with me.” He said taking a sip of his drink and eyeing her.

She raised her eyebrows surprised “Are you calling yourself an idiot? Or saying you wanna date me?”

“Both?”

She squinted at him, wondering for a minute if she was having a dream. But she was fairly sure this was a real conversation she was having with him and she didn’t get how they ended up here.

He had never once alluded to wanting anything to do with her romantically. In fact, they had never even talked about significant others with each other until now.

He took a sip of his drink and pulled the hat he was wearing off his head and turned it backwards and she felt her stomach do a little flutter. He turned to her and smiled “You seem surprised.”

“I had no idea.” She wasn’t lying he could tell. She looked genuinely surprised and he believed her. She wouldn’t have looked so shocked if she’d known, and to put on an act wasn’t something she’d do, and he knew she would have let him down easy long before now if she had known. She was a nice girl, and wouldn’t put him or anyone else through that.

“That’s because-I’ve never told you.”

“But why?” She leaned closer to him, hair spilling over her shoulder and brushing his arm.

“Because…I was too scared.” He said shrugging, and turning to face her fully She had her chin resting on her hand looking at him puzzled.

“Of what? Me?”

He rolled his eyes “Yeah just like everyone else we know. And every guy we went to high school with. And random guys passing by. And-“

“Okay okay I get it.” She said with a giggle but she waved him off “Even if that’s true, my point still stands.”

He shrugged “Maybe you just aren’t looking in the right places.” But when he turned to her he saw that she was looking at him and smiled “Or maybe you are.”

She turned her head to the side “Why didn’t you tell me this earlier? Like 5 years ago earlier.” She asked chewing on her bottom lip.

“Like I said I was afraid and you had that stupid boyfriend in highschool, what was his name?”

“Brad. He was stupid. You could have saved me from all that drama if you had told me.” She drummed her nails on the bar and glanced at him from the corner of her eye.

He paused, bottle halfway to his mouth “What?”

“If you had told me I wouldn’t have dated him.”

“You-you would have dated me?” He pointed at himself in disbelief.

You DUMBASS. He thought to himself. He’d missed a chance years ago because he was apparently just as stupid as Brad.

“Is there a reason I wouldn’t have? I broke up with him summer before senior year and before that things already weren’t great.”

“So I had a whole year. I’m so stupid.” He leaned his forehead on the palm of his hand and let out a breath.

“Nah.” She stirred her drink and shook her head “I was the stupid one then. I spent senior year alone because of some idiot who cheated on me with Annie White in the hockey team’s bus during 6th period.”

He chuckled a little and shook his head “You have no clue the things that went on on that bus. And think about it this way, maybe she caught Chlamydia or something.”

She smiled but made a face “Ew! That would have made me feel a little bit better I guess. It doesn’t matter now though, and I’m glad I wasn’t more invested because it could have hurt a whole lot worse.”

“You guys dated a year though. You weren’t invested?”

“Were you invested when you dated Ashley for a year? Or Carissa?”

“No….But I wasn’t invested for a different reason. Why weren’t you?”

She shrugged “I don’t know. No one ever really liked Brad, and I just didn’t see it going anywhere. By the time I found out about the other women it was time to move on. Still hurt though.”

“I wanted to beat him up for that you know. And I would have too if he didn’t transfer schools.”

She chuckled “Nah. He wasn’t worth it.”

“Hey.” He leaned forward and put a hand on her wrist “It would have been worth it to me.”

She stared at him for a moment, eyes traveling down his face to his mouth and the back up to his eyes. The air seemed to freeze as he saw his window of opportunity closing, and leaned forward slowly.

“LAST CALL!” He jumped and nearly tipped over his chair, startled by the yell of the bartender and felt a blinding rage fly though him.

God DAMNIT

He wanted to scream as she straightened up, cheeks a little flushed and turned to finish her drink.

“What’s my tab?” She asked the guy pushing the glass back to him.

“45.70.”

“I got it.” Jeremy said tossing down money. She turned and smiled.

“Thanks but you don’t have to-“

“I do. Come on. Let me take you home.” Before she could protest or do anything else he boldly reached for her hand and pulled her along behind him through the bar.

By the time they made it to her front door she’d tripped twice and he’d knocked over a plant. He was now leaned against the side of her house giggling as she struggled to get the key in the lock.

“It’s stuck I can’t-“ she said in between laughs as she attempted to put the key in upside down.

“Here let me-“ he reached for key and unlocked it clumsily over her shoulder, just as she leaned forward on it, and it sprung open.

“Oof!” She said air escaping her lungs as they fell in the door, dissolving into laughter as they both stumbled forward, catching themselves on furniture. Her vision was a little bit blurred and her face felt like it was on fire, but she was having so much fun with him she never wanted the night to end.

“Wait wait wait I’ll help you hang on.” He reached for the couch to pull himself up and extended a hand to help her. She stood and immediately started to fall forward and would have if he hadn’t caught her. Her smiled was wide, stretched across her face, cheeks red, hair caught in the collar of her jacket as she straightened up, resting a hand on his arm to steady herself.

“I’m having so much-fun.” She looked up to see how close he was to her, hands holding her by the elbows, his front pressed almost against hers. His smile had started to slip from his face very slowly as he stared at her and the rest of the living room melted away.

“Jeremy.” She said softly eyes piercing his own.

Before he could answer she leaned forward and pushed her lips against his, resting them there momentarily until he gathered himself and started kissing her back.

It was everything he thought it would be, everything he’d been hoping for, and thinking about for so long it made his heart hurt. He wondered for a second if he was dreaming, like he did often but when she gripped the front of his jacket and pulled him closer he knew it was real.

He felt dizzy as they stood kissing in her living room, feeling like he was levitating as he backed her up against the wall, to steady himself more than anything, pulling away for a second before moving back in at a different angle.

She was kissing him back slowly, and for a second he had worried that she would recoil, but instead she tugged at his jacket, pulling it down his shoulders and tossing it to the side.

He ran his thumb across a sliver of skin on her hip that wasn’t covered by her shirt and she shivered a little. He was so warm as she pulled him against her, big hands holding her hips tightly. If she had known he’d be this good at kissing she would have kissed him years ago.

She reached behind her, hand smacking around looking for the doorknob to her bedroom and fumbled with it, finally opening it and stumbling inside with him. She pulled her own jacket off, letting it hit the floor and they landed on the bed, breaking apart only for a second before he bent down to kiss her again. He was slotted between her legs, one hand braced on the mattress by her head, and the other tangling in her hair. She reached between them, unbuttoning her jeans, and then reaching for his and he lost track of what he was doing for a second, as she sprung the button and pulled down the zipper. His heart was clocking around so loud he could feel it in his ears, and he wondered if she could too.

She pulled his shirt up, tugging it over his head, and lifting her self up so he could pull hers off. He’d never seen her unclothed and he felt himself get red again. She gripped the chain he was wearing and pulled him back down, tongue pushing into his mouth. Her nails scraped his kin as the moved down his sides to his lower back, pulling his pelvis forward against hers. He let out a breath and pulled back a second to collect his thoughts, and felt her hand gently pat his shoulder.

Her eyes were shut and she swallowed, one hand patting her chest.

“You okay?” He asked from above her, breathing heavily, chest heaving.

“Hmmmm I just need a second-I need.” Her eyes still closed and she took a deep breath. He leaned back to look at her as her eyes slid open and she covered her mouth.

“Can you get me water?” She asked softly eyes closing again “I think I’m gonna be sick.”

“Yeah sure hang on.” He stood, and buttoned his jeans, and made his way shirtless through her house, getting her water and hurrying back to her bedroom. But when he turned the corner he saw she was asleep.

His head fell forward against the door frame, and he let out a whispered, frustrated “Fuck!”, eyes closed as he pounded his fist softly on the wall.

Why was the universe doing this to him?

He turned to look at her, jeans unbuttoned, shirt missing, on her side sleeping peacefully and pursed his lips.

With a small sigh he quietly made his way to her dresser, finding clothing and very gently pulling off her boots, and jeans redressing her in something more comfortable that didn’t smell like a dive bar. He didn’t even look at her while he did, because it would have been wrong to do while she was out cold like that. He covered her up, and sat next to her a second, pushing a lock of hair off her cheek.

Gosh he loved her so much. So much that he was doing what most guys wouldn’t and was walking away from the only chance he might have with her.

But he wanted her to want it when she was sober and clearheaded, not drunk. He sighed and stared out her window. It was so frustrating to be him sometimes.

There was one picture that caught his eye. It was them, taken just recently, her arms wrapped around him, smiling widely. She had her head resting against his chest hugging him like her life depended on it.

Looking at that picture made it seem like she liked him. It just made sense. They looked great together if he did say so himself.

It just wasn’t fair.

And he wasn’t sure how much more he could take. It had been years at this point and he never saw a light at the end of the tunnel, until tonight and even that was beginning to grow darker.

He felt stupid and lame and wanted to punch himself, but instead he pulled the blankets up further, took one last look at her and left her room, made his way through her house and locked the door behind him.

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identitycris1s · 4 years

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im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:)

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes.

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