#it’s 6:30 am and once again I have not slept yet

[hockeylvr59]

Here With Me Part 30 || Taylor Makar

Author’s Note: Taylor takes Kelsey to Banff National Park for a hike after which they finally get some much needed alone time, even if it does lead to more embarrassment for Kelsey. FC: Marina Laswick (@marooshk on instagram).

A/N2: Since apparently T isn't allowed to have any goals he can at least get an update.

Warnings: relationship tension, awkwardness, smut, cursing? // Word Count: 7,958

~~~~~~

Twenty Nine

When the alarm Taylor set went off shortly after 6am Kelsey jolted awake with a groan having been restless for most of the night. Rolling out of Taylor’s arms and then bed, she made her way to the bathroom doing everything she needed to there before finally returning to Taylor’s room to throw on one of the outfits she had brought for a day outdoors. Once fully dressed, she pulled her hair into a ponytail and finally made her way downstairs where Taylor must have already wandered as she hadn’t passed him again upstairs. 

She found him in the kitchen getting bottles of water ready and filling a backpack with plenty of water and snacks. 

“How can I help?” She asked softly, yawning as she leaned against the counter. 

“Make yourself coffee for the car.” Taylor insisted, stepping toward her to kiss her softly in a morning greeting. “Everything else is already ready. Water, snacks, sandwiches, sunblock, bug spray. I’m gonna go change and then we can figure out breakfast.” 

Nodding, Kelsey went through making herself a cup of coffee in a travel mug that Taylor had left on the counter for her. She wasn’t particularly hungry but she knew Taylor was going to make her eat something so she looked through the fridge to see what might be light enough for her to force down. 

Spotting some yogurt, Kelsey grabbed it along with some fruit and made herself up a small dish, topping it off with just a little bit of granola. 

Before she could eat there was a knock at the door that made her jump. Who the hell was at the Makar’s door at 6:30 am? When the knock came again, Kelsey raced out of the kitchen and upstairs interrupting Taylor as he was pulling on shorts. 

“Someone is at the door…” Kelsey whispered, panic filling her voice. 

“Probably just Mark.” Taylor replied immediately not at all phased by her distress.

“Why is Mark here at 6:30 in the morning?” Kelsey questioned. 

“If I had to guess I’d say he’s planning on crashing our hike.” Taylor declared, pulling a light colored dry wick shirt on and grabbing a pair of socks from his drawer. 

Shaking her head, Kelsey rubbed at her face. It was way too fucking early for that and she hadn’t had coffee yet. 

“Ugh. I’m too tired to care one way or another but you’re dealing with him.” Kelsey mumbled, retreating downstairs where she’d left her breakfast and the travel mug full of coffee which she clearly already needed some of. 

After a moment, Kelsey heard Taylor on the stairs and then the front door opened. Soon after, Taylor and Mark both entered the kitchen where Kelsey was leaning against the counter munching on her light breakfast. 

“So what hike did you have planned?” Mark inquired of Taylor causing the two of them to chat back and forth while Kelsey glared lightly at how peppy their uninvited guest was this early in the morning. 

After washing out her dish and putting it to dry, Kelsey took another few sips of her coffee before leaving the kitchen needing just a few minutes of quiet. 

She usually wasn’t this cranky in the morning but having not slept well meant that she was more on edge than usual and she was looking forward to having a day alone with Taylor which apparently wasn’t happening. 

Taking some deep breaths, Kelsey tried to calm herself while drinking her coffee to the point where she was going to need to make another mug before they actually left. After a few minutes, Taylor entered the room eyeing her for a moment before approaching. 

“We don’t have to go on a hike if you’re too tired.” He offered. 

“I want to go Taylor.” Kelsey stated, sighing softly. “I’ve been looking forward to this for weeks.” 

“Are you sure you’re good?” Taylor pressed a little bit. 

“Fine.” Kelsey mumbled. Taylor’s gaze didn’t let up and Kelsey let out another long sigh. “I slept like shit okay. And I thought today was going to be the one day I’d get you completely to myself. But it’s fine. I’m fine. Let’s just go.” 

“Kels…” Taylor started. “I can send Mark away and we can go just the two of us.” 

“Let’s just go Taylor.” Kelsey said. “I’m not gonna be that bitch okay.” 

“Hey…come here.” Taylor murmured squatting down in front of her and rubbing his thumb over her hand. “No one would think you’re a bitch okay.” 

Kelsey looked at him signaling that she didn’t believe him but that she wasn’t about to fight him over it. 

“Please let’s just go.” She whispered, body deflated. 

“Alright.” Taylor agreed. “I’ll go make you some more coffee and load the car.” 

As he stood, he kissed her forehead and then retreated back to the kitchen shaking his head softly at Mark as he sent Taylor a questioning look. 

“She wants to just go.” Taylor shrugged. Given that it seemed like there wasn’t any option to make her completely happy at this point, Taylor was just going to respect her wishes, she wanted to go so they would go. 

Making her another mug of coffee the way she liked it, Taylor put shoes on and took the bag out to the car, letting Mark also throw his in the back as well. 

By the time he was walking through the front door again, Kelsey was sitting on the bottom step, putting her own shoes on. 

“Ready?” He asked after moving to grab her coffee. 

“Yeah.” Kelsey agreed, taking the mug from him with the slightest smile. “Thanks Tay.” 

With Taylor locking up, they headed out to the car and Kelsey slid into the passenger seat as Taylor climbed behind the wheel with his cousin already situated in the backseat. 

As Taylor backed out of the driveway and headed toward the highway, no one said anything. Taylor sipped at his smoothie while Kelsey drank her second cup of coffee and Mark alternated between scrolling through his phone and unsuccessfully attempting to sleep. 

Eventually, Taylor put his country playlist on quietly in the background as he drove down the highway toward Banff needing something other than silence during the just shy of two hours drive. 

After about 40 minutes, Kelsey twisted slightly in her seat and tipped her head toward Taylor. 

“Hey Tay…can you see if you can find somewhere to stop. I need the bathroom.” 

“Yeah, I’ll find somewhere in Canmore, we could use gas anyway.” Taylor agreed. Kelsey had no idea how far Canmore was, she hadn’t really been paying attention to signs, but she assumed it was close if Taylor mentioned it specifically. 

It was less than ten minutes before Taylor was taking an exit and pulling into a gas station to fill up. 

“Be right back.” Kelsey murmured, hopping out to head inside and use the gas station’s bathroom. 

By the time she exited, the car was no longer at a pump but parked outside the building with Mark standing beside it. Clearly Taylor had also decided to use the bathroom while they were here though she hadn’t passed him on her way out. 

“Hey Kelsey.” Mark started. “I’m sorry if me tagging along upset you. Just wanted to get to know the girl T loves better.” 

“Guess I’m learning everything with T is a family event…” Kelsey joked lightly. 

“What can I say…once you’re in…you’re in.” Mark shrugged, smiling. 

“Maybe just send a warning text next time…” Kelsey suggested. “And not just to T because he’s not always great at telling me shit.” 

Laughing, Mark nodded and pulled her into a hug which Kelsey returned. 

Before either could say anything else, Taylor appeared from inside and unlocked the car doors. Breaking the hug, Kelsey climbed back into the passenger seat and looked toward Taylor who had a small convenience store bag he was looking through. After a moment he pulled a small candy bar out of the bottom of the bag and handed it to her. Taking it, Kelsey looked at the package. Aero Bar. It was not a candy that was available in the States that’s for sure but she definitely remembered Taylor mentioning that it was his favorite. 

“This is your favorite…why are you handing it to me?” Kelsey questioned curiously. 

After setting the bag with the rest of its contents at her feet, Taylor rested a hand on her thigh. 

“Try it.” He murmured, backing out of the parking spot so that they could get back on the road toward Banff and the hike. 

Opening the wrapper, Kelsey broke a small piece off before popping it into her mouth. It was basically just chocolate. Aerated chocolate. It was good, but it was also still not even 8am so there was no way she was finishing the whole bar. And if they left it during the hike it was absolutely going to melt. So Kelsey took a few pieces and then offered the rest to Taylor who declined before passing it back to Mark to finish. 

“It was a little chilly out there.” Kelsey murmured. 

“Not supposed to get any warmer really either.” Mark reported. Yesterday had been in the 80s but looking at her phone, apparently it was only hovering around 50 now. And Kelsey had only worn a t-shirt so hopefully she didn’t get too chilled during the hike. 

“It was 80 yesterday.” Kelsey stated, shaking her head at the big temperature swing. 

“You and your American temperatures.” Mark teased. 

“Hey now. I will concede that some American measurement systems suck. Temperature however is not one of them.” Kelsey defended. “Especially for practical use. Fahrenheit is more precise and reduces the need for decimals. And humans can tell the difference between a single degree Fahrenheit when it comes to comfort.” 

“Alright no need to get heated.” Mark joked. 

“Haha. So funny.” Kelsey deadpanned before turning to Taylor. “Are we there yet?” 

“What are you? Five?” Mark chirped. 

“Like another half hour, Kels.” Taylor responded, chuckling as Kelsey exaggerated a pout. “If you pout you’ll miss the views.” 

It was definitely a pretty drive and looking out the windows Kelsey’s anticipation grew at how good the views could possibly be once they were actually hiking. When Taylor finally pulled into a parking lot it took him about three trips around before he found someone who was actually leaving and whose spot he could take. 

Climbing out of the car, Kelsey stretched her legs from the drive and then moved around to the driver’s side where Taylor was climbing out. Knowing that she hadn’t been easy to deal with this morning, Kelsey wrapped her arms around him for a moment while pressing up on her toes to kiss him softly trying to show him she appreciates his patience and grace as the up and down anxiety of the trip got the better of her. 

After a moment, she pulled back and Taylor rested a palm on her lower back to guide her toward the trunk where Mark was waiting to grab their packs. Grabbing theirs, Taylor also grabbed a hoodie, packing it into the top of the bag. 

“Since you’re always cold…and didn’t pack any of your own.” He mumbled, referring to their conversation the night before when he had started packing a few things for the cabin and Kelsey had commented on him adding a sweatshirt she could steal since they didn't fit in her bag. 

“I love you Tay.” Kelsey replied in acknowledgement. 

Before they left the lot, Taylor paid for parking and made sure the sticker was in the window. Then they made their way toward the washrooms for Kelsey to attempt to empty her bladder once more before they were out in nature and she’d have to relieve herself in the way she hated most. Then they applied a quick coat of sunscreen to protect themselves because even if it wasn’t hot out, there was still a good chance they would burn.

Finally, they set off onto the trails and Kelsey was a bit surprised by just how crowded it was. The congestion had her primarily focused on making sure that she didn’t get separated from Taylor so she didn’t have any idea that they were approaching Lake Louise until Taylor stopped after weaving through some people and gently pulled her in front of him, his hands resting on her hips. 

Suddenly turquoise blue water surrounded all around by mountains filled her vision and Kelsey audibly gasped. 

“You’re joking…” She mumbled. “Oh my god Tay.” 

“This is only the beginning, Kels.” Taylor replied, giving her a moment to take it all in. “Our hike will have even better views, promise.” 

Eventually it became impossible to block out the crowds and so Kelsey nodded for them to continue on, a look of awe still present on her face. With Taylor checking to make sure Mark was still with them, they headed along the lakeshore trail for a short stretch as they passed a large hotel. Reaching the first trail divide, Taylor guided them right and they started uphill along a trail that also ran alongside the lake. It was relatively easy terrain, the perfect way to warm up and Kelsey couldn’t help but smile every time she got a glimpse of the lake below them. 

After what felt like a little over a mile to Kelsey they reached a small lake that Taylor identified as Mirror Lake and she smiled as he pointed out the Beehive Mountain which rose above it. With no real reason to linger on besides pausing to hydrate a little and for the boys to grab a snack, they continued and diverged right onto a trail marked as the Little Beehive Trail. Following that slightly rougher trail they again turned right to continue to Little Beehive. As they climbed Mark chatted about whatever random thing came to mind and though Kelsey chatted back a bit she was mainly focused on just taking the beautiful day in even if it was definitely chilly and she might have to have T pull the sweater out at some point. 

Reaching the sign for Mt. St. Piran, it became apparent that this was definitely a path less taken because while they’d previously been on well carved out paths, this one seemed a bit more overgrown. Still, Kelsey trusted Taylor and continued down the path as it led through some thicker woods before opening up a bit once they rose above the treeline. Now surrounded by boulders outside the thin path and with the altitude rising more steeply, Taylor urged Kelsey to take the lead so that he could serve as more of a security net. 

“Sure and I guess I’ll catch T.” Mark chirped. “Or just take him along with me.” 

“Watch it.” Kels joked. “Or we can just say a bear got you.”

Mark feigned hurt before shaking his head. 

“Now I really understand why you weren’t worried about Carvy.” He stated. 

Walking along the narrow path, Kelsey made sure to take her time to ensure her footing was solid. Thankfully there were plenty of switchbacks to make the climb easier but it was still quite the hike. 

“I get it now. You weren’t worried about keeping her safe.” Mark piped up from behind Taylor. “You just wanted your turn to stare at her ass like she’s been staring at yours all day.” 

“I mean I work hard for this ass for a reason.” Kelsey threw back before starting up another switchback, peeking over her shoulder at Taylor who was slightly pink though it was hard to tell if it was from the hike or embarrassment. 

Nearing the summit, the narrow path turned to nothing but rock and Kelsey very carefully made her way over them until she reached the top. Though some fog lingered in the air, it was mostly clear and the views of the entire area surrounded her. As Taylor and Mark joined her, Taylor guided her down just a little bit to one side in order to get a little bit better of a view. 

From up here, Lake Louise looked even bluer and Kelsey could only smile amazed at what they had just done. 

Stepping into Taylor’s side from slightly above him, Kelsey let him wrap an arm around her and she laid her head on his shoulder just taking it all in and listening as he named the mountains and the third lake in the view. 

“This is stunning.” Kelsey declared, just basking in a few minutes with him while Mark explored the rest of the summit. 

“I like showing you beautiful places.” Taylor stated softly. 

“I like when you show me beautiful places too.” Kelsey agreed. “I don’t know what I was expecting but it wasn’t this. This is just incredible. How lucky are we to live in a world where places like this exist?” 

Lifting her head, Kelsey kissed his cheek before reaching into her pocket for her phone to take a photo of the gorgeous view below them. This was definitely a day to remember. 

“Selfie?” Taylor asked before taking her phone from her when she nodded eagerly. Turning slightly so that the lakes and best portion of the view were behind them, Taylor took a few pictures of the two of them so that Kelsey could pick the best one. 

“Hey! No taking selfies without me!” Mark yelled before scrambling over the rocks to get to them. 

Rolling her eyes fondly, Kelsey let Mark sneak in beside her while Taylor took a few more photos. 

Satisfied, they headed to some of the more stable ground at the peak where they could perch to take a short break, drinking water and getting something to eat. Kelsey had had an energy chew on the way up but otherwise hadn’t eaten since breakfast so she was starving. Eating most of a PB&J sandwich and downing three fruit pouches, Kelsey packed all her trash up into a plastic grocery bag for Taylor to stash back in the backpack once he and Mark were done eating. 

At the peak, there was a completely uninterrupted breeze and Kelsey shivered slightly before reaching for the backpack at Taylor’s feet to grab the hoodie he’d stashed there. It was definitely going to be oversized which wasn’t ideal for hiking but the descent was going to require less exertion and so Kelsey knew her body was going to feel the chill more easily. 

Pulling it on she could only smile because it smelled like her boyfriend and that was a smell she had missed more than she could describe. It sent that spark of attraction through her that drew her attention to things she previously hadn’t fully noticed. 

The way Taylor’s shirt clung to his torso from sweat, the way his shorts clung to his thighs, his hair peeking out from the hat on his head…all of it implanted itself into Kelsey’s brain causing her to need a swig of water to try to suppress the flood of hormones. 

Thankfully the boys had finished eating and were packing back up to start their descent. This time Mark took the lead with Taylor following and Kelsey trailing behind. Descending down the first few switchbacks, Taylor would walk a few steps ahead of her before pausing to make sure that Kelsey made her way without issue. It was a slow process with such a steep incline and Kelsey’s knees definitely already hurt at the end of it but eventually the summit was once again towering above them. Having reached the bottom of the switchbacks, Kelsey called out for a break and moved to stretch her knees a bit to try and alleviate some of the pressure she’d put on them. She also needed water and to take a few more pictures of just how beautiful Lake Louise and the surrounding scenery was before it was once again hidden by trees. 

After about a five minute break, they continued down the mountain pausing every kilometer or so to give their knees a bit of a break even if it wasn’t quite as steep now as it had been before. Kelsey couldn’t deny that she was enjoying her view of Taylor’s back and ass as he hiked in front of her and that it only made her want to jump him even more. 

Eventually Mark switched to the back again, not enjoying the fact that it was harder to chat their ears off from in front of them than it was from behind. 

“So has Taylor told you he produced two of the tracks on my new EP?” Mark questioned, switching topics. 

Stopping, Kelsey turned to face him, a look of surprise on her face. 

“Wait what?” 

“Guess he hasn’t told you then.” Mark grinned, hyped to be able to share the news. “Yeah T produced two tracks on my EP, one’s called Way Back Home with a little bit more of a moody country guitar feel and the other is super upbeat called Let’s Ride. Release is the first week of July.” 

As they resumed their hike down the mountain, Mark continued on about how this might be his favorite EP yet and how Taylor had helped produce a few of his songs in the past as well. Letting him talk for a bit, Kelsey looked at Taylor wondering why he had never mentioned this to her. It seemed like it was something important to him and yet he’d given no indication. She wasn’t going to question him about it in front of his cousin but it was something they needed to talk about later. 

When Mark asked her about her own music tastes, Kelsey just shrugged. 

“I don’t really listen to a whole lot of music but when I do it’s pretty much whatever. Country. Pop.” Kelsey admitted. “Lately I probably listen to the playlist T made me more than anything.” 

Stopping to take another short break, Taylor told Mark about some of the songs on the playlist while Kelsey grabbed one of the protein bars to get a little more fuel and finished off most of her water. Thankfully they were at least halfway down and the hardest part was definitely over as the incline decreased the rest of the descent. 

After checking that the boys were ready, Kelsey started off down the trail again knowing that if they waited around any longer she wasn’t going to want to get going again as fatigue started to settle in a bit. This was definitely the longest hike she’d been on in awhile and probably the most difficult, even if skill wise it wasn’t all that challenging. 

With the boys behind her, Kelsey continued their hike, letting out a small breath as they reached the first portion of the trail where there was a concrete path and only a gradual decline. That meant that they were almost done and slowly Lake Louise appeared between the trees once more, still that stunning turquoise blue that Kelsey really couldn’t believe was real. 

Finally reaching the lakeside trail, Kelsey paused for just a moment to take it all in one final time before they hiked the last little bit back to the car after using the bathrooms. 

When they reached the car, Taylor offered Kelsey a fresh bottle of water for the trip home and Kelsey took it gratefully. 

“Any chance there’s pain meds?” Kelsey questioned softly, wanting to get ahead of any misery that might hit during the car ride home. Tossing her a bottle, Taylor grabbed water for himself before putting the bottle away once she’d popped the meds. Cooling down for a few more minutes, Kelsey groaned mentally as Taylor adjusted himself in his shorts causing arousal to pool in her underwear. She needed him so badly that it was starting to drive her crazy. 

Forcing her gaze away from her boyfriend, Kelsey moved to climb into the car feeling tired but on edge. She needed him so much but thinking about it certainly wasn’t doing her any favors. 

Thankfully it wasn’t long before Taylor and Mark climbed in the car and Taylor started the drive back to Calgary. It also wasn’t long before Mark was tapping her shoulder from the backseat asking if she wanted to hear the songs Taylor had produced before they’re released. 

Kelsey was definitely intrigued and so she took Mark’s phone plugging it into the car’s speakers before selecting the tracks he had mentioned. Neither song was something that Kelsey would naturally be drawn to but she’d watched as Taylor tapped on the steering wheel to the beat of each and it made her stomach swirl with more desire. It was Mark’s voice but this was something that Taylor had made and there was something so sexy about knowing that this song existed because of her boyfriend’s brain and skill musically. A skill she hadn’t even known he possessed. 

Even after switching the music back to Taylor’s phone, Kelsey’s mind lingered on how hot it was discovering a new thing that made her boyfriend happy. No amount of water that she drank seemed to cool off her hormones and she shifted in her seat feeling achy and frankly just horny. 

The rest of the drive couldn’t pass quickly enough and given that it was two hours, it felt like it dragged on forever. When they arrived home, they all climbed out of the car to stretch their legs and after Mark transferred his backpack back to his car he followed them inside to use the bathroom before leaving. 

After he finished in the bathroom, Mark pulled Kelsey into a tight hug. 

“Thanks for letting me tag along today, was nice spending some time getting to know the girl T adores so much.” Mark murmured in her ear. “Next time you can tell me to fuck off though, I won’t be offended.” 

“Noted.” Kelsey replied as she ended the hug and moved to use the bathroom herself while Taylor said goodbye to his cousin. 

“Sorry for dropping the music thing on her, figured she knew.” Mark declared hugging his cousin. “You found yourself a good one T.” Mark added. “Though you don’t need me to tell you that.” 

Taylor quickly shrugged off the apology, hugging his cousin before pulling back. 

“She’s the best.” He stated softly, glancing in the direction of the bathroom. She might be a handful at times but he really did adore her and the look on his face showed it. 

“I’m out.” Mark said, giving Taylor one last pat on the back. “But tell Kels not to be a stranger okay.” 

He was out the door and his car had left the driveway before Kelsey returned from using the bathroom and washing her hands. 

“So…” Taylor murmured, focusing on his girlfriend. “Mom is working late and dad is having a guy’s night so we’re on our own.” 

Kelsey hadn’t been expecting that but it certainly wasn’t a big deal. They could figure out something for dinner after they took showers. 

“Alright.” Kelsey shrugged. “Not like we can’t take care of ourselves. What do you want to do for dinner?” 

“No idea.” Taylor replied, stepping closer to her while lifting an arm in an offer for her to slide into his side. Shaking her head, Kelsey maintained the distance between them. 

“Tay…if you touch me right now I may lose it.” Kelsey admitted, still massively turned on with the scent of his hoodie still surrounding her. 

“And…?” Taylor questioned, smirking slightly. “Just us Kels. But a cold shower is all yours if you want it.” 

There was really no comparison between having Taylor and having a cold shower, yet she still hesitated for reasons she didn’t understand. If she was going to be with him though they’d need protection and it certainly wasn’t something she had packed. 

“Do you have condoms?” 

“Yes Kels. Brand new box upstairs.” 

After a moment, Taylor tugged her into a hug and his breath fanned across her ear as he spoke. “It’s your call Kels. Whatever you want.” It wasn’t a long hug, but it was long enough that Kelsey felt him half hard in his shorts signaling that he wanted her too. Long enough that another wave of desire rolled over her, making her whimper. 

“Please…” She breathed, body nearly shaking with want. 

“Upstairs Kels.” Taylor signaled, tapping her ass lightly until she started up the steps to his bedroom. Following behind, Taylor closed his door behind them, locking it just to be safe before pulling her body back toward his to kiss her. 

They hadn’t kissed like this in so long and Kelsey couldn’t help but moan into it as Taylor’s hands gripped her waist, sliding up under his hoodie and the shirt she’d worn under it. Feeling frantic, Kelsey quickly pulled Taylor’s hat off his head before sliding her hands down to immediately start tugging at his shirt wanting it off. 

“Hey…breathe.” Taylor murmured, breaking the kiss while breathing heavily. “There’s no rush.” 

“Waited three weeks…” Kelsey mumbled back before kissing him again hard. Though the stubble on Taylor’s face rubbed at her, it was something Kelsey mostly ignored and even enjoyed slightly, more focused on his lips against hers. 

Still kissing, Taylor lifted her up and carried her over to his bed, laying her down on it while hovering over her. Pulling back to breathe he brushed his nose against hers gently and spoke softly. 

“Kels…trust me. I’m gonna give you my dick if that’s what you want. Just calm down and actually enjoy it.” 

As much as she wanted to relax, it was all too much and Kelsey couldn’t help but squirm under him, needing him now. Realizing that Kelsey wasn’t going to be able to calm until her body found some sort of release, Taylor shifted slightly and moved his hand to press against her core through her clothes while he kissed her again. 

Instantly, his touch drew another moan from her throat and Kelsey arched her hips into his hand, eager for the friction. Within just a few minutes of Taylor stroking her, Kelsey’s muscles tensed before finally relaxing as a mini orgasm rolled through her. 

“You with me now?” Taylor questioned, shifting his hand up to her hip to allow her a moment to settle without being overstimulated. Nodding, Kelsey sighed and reached for Taylor once more, her hands sliding up under his shirt. 

“Better…but still need you inside me.” 

Chuckling, Taylor shook his head. 

“I told you I’d give you my dick.” He murmured, reaching over to the bedside table containing the box of condoms and a bottle of lubricant. After retrieving the necessary items, Taylor hovered over Kelsey again and slipped his fingers below his borrowed hoodie until he reached the waistband of her leggings. 

Easing the stretchy fabric off her hips, Taylor took her leggings along with her underwear down and off her legs until they hit the floor as he knelt at the foot of the bed. Then his long fingers worked the button and zipper of his shorts open before he shed the clothing from his own lower half. 

Sliding back up the bed, Taylor kissed Kelsey again before reaching for the condom and lube beside her. It only took a moment to sheath himself and apply a generous coating of lube before he settled himself over her fully, his dick nudging at her folds. 

“Tay please.” Kelsey pleaded as Taylor paused to ensure her consent before pressing inside of her inch by inch. Between the lubricant and Kelsey’s arousal, Taylor slipped inside of her smoothly and Kelsey moaned happily at the stretch of her body around him, finally being filled the way she needed most. 

“Ungh…yes.” She mumbled, her head thrown back against the pillows in pleasure. 

“So needy for me.” Taylor chirped softly, kissing along the exposed skin of her neck before capturing her lips with his once more and slowly starting to roll his hips to create friction. 

It was far from the slowest sex they’d had but it also wasn’t rushed, both just enjoying the way the other felt as their bodies reconnected in the most intimate way. Kelsey tangled her fingers in Taylor’s hair and tugged gently as his dick brushed against all the spots that sent sparks up her spine. She’d really missed this and moaned into his mouth to show her appreciation for how it felt to be wrapped around him. 

With it having been three weeks since they’d had a chance to be intimate, both were pushed quickly to the edge by the smallest things. For Taylor, the grip of her around him made his own hand pale in comparison and the fact that she was currently still wearing his hoodie only served as an additional turn on. For Kelsey, the feeling of him inside of her, his weight over her made her finally feel whole, once more safe and complete, surrounded by him. 

As Taylor continued to roll his hips against hers, he slipped his free hand down to rub at her clit without any barriers in the way. With the combination of it all, Kelsey flew over the edge, crying out against his mouth as the intensity of her orgasm overwhelmed her. Hips stuttering as she clamped down around him, Taylor gave into his own orgasm pumping the condom full and groaning her name. 

Remaining inside of her until their breathing settled and Kelsey’s body relaxed around him, Taylor carefully pulled out before disposing of the condom into the trash can in his room and wiping himself clean with a tissue. Then he settled onto the bed beside her once more, kissing her softly and checking in to make sure she’s okay. 

“Better now?” He asked, brushing a strand of hair from her face. Nodding, Kelsey kissed him softly again, basking in all the happy hormones. “Good. Now go pee and shower. I’m gonna go start dinner.” Though she pouted a little, Kelsey knew that Taylor was likely starving and they did need to get some food since they would already be eating if it weren’t for her detour. 

Slowly pulling herself out of bed, Kelsey wiped herself down with a tissue before throwing her dirty clothes back on and moving to dig in her bag for something clean to wear after a shower. As she did so, Taylor threw his own shorts back on and she heard him use the bathroom quickly before heading downstairs. 

Moving into the bathroom herself, Kelsey stripped out of her dirty clothes before starting the shower and setting it to be warm but not hot. Taking her time, she went through her full routine, washing her hair, face, and body because she wasn’t sure if she would get a full relaxed shower at his family’s cabin. Feeling completely relaxed, she got out and dried herself off before getting dressed. Brushing her hair out, Kelsey looked in the mirror to find that the skin around her mouth was super red. Kelsey had used her usual face soap, but maybe something she had touched throughout their hike had caused her to have an allergic reaction. She’d ask Taylor what he thought when she went downstairs and she’d definitely keep an eye on it but there wasn’t much else she could do for now. 

Finishing up, Kelsey took her things back to Taylor’s room and got everything situated back into her bag. Then she made her way downstairs to trade off with Taylor so he could also get a shower before having dinner. 

When she got there he was putting some butter in a pan to melt before the steaks sitting on the counter beside him got added. 

“So…” Kelsey started. “I think I have a rash…I have no idea what from and I feel fine breathing wise and everything but the skin around my mouth is all red. Any thoughts?” 

“I can get you an antihistamine if you want…” Taylor declared, otherwise having no suggestion. 

“Couldn’t hurt.” Kelsey agreed. While Taylor fetched the pill, Kelsey got herself a glass from a cabinet, filling it with water. “Thanks. Now I can take over this while you shower.” She declared having figured out that Taylor was just making steaks in the skillet and broccoli in a pot on the stove. Nothing complicated. 

Nodding, Taylor kissed her cheek before heading back upstairs to get cleaned up himself. While he did, Kelsey got the steaks cooking and checked on the broccoli before scrolling through her phone looking at the pictures she’d taken on their hike. 

By the time Taylor came back downstairs dressed in clean shorts and a fresh t-shirt, dinner was ready and Kelsey was transferring it onto plates for them to go sit and eat. 

While Kelsey took the plates, Taylor brought in bottles of gatorade to replenish their electrolytes. 

“So uh…about that rash…” Taylor murmured sheepishly. “It’s brush burn from my stubble.” 

“I…are you sure?” Kelsey questioned, moving around the table to brush her fingers against his jaw and upper lip. Though the scruff wasn’t all that visible it was a little bit bristly, more so than she had expected. 

“The way you were kissing me…yeah.” Taylor declared. 

“Oh…” Kelsey murmured gently touching above her lip because it really did sting. If he was right at least it wasn’t an allergic reaction or something but that knowledge also didn’t help much. 

Pulling her hand back, she moved to sit down so that they could eat, both starving after a long day’s hike and their extra curricular activities. It didn’t take long for them to devour their dinner and after cleaning up Kelsey stepped into Taylor’s chest needing his affections having not gotten their usual post sex snuggle. 

Pulling her close, Taylor moved with her into their family room, sinking into the couch and pulling her on top of him. 

“Any TV requests?” He mumbled softly causing Kelsey to shake her head as she burrowed herself into his body. All she needed was this, his warmth and security. 

They hadn’t had alone time like this since she arrived and Kelsey found herself finally relaxing, enjoying the silence outside of the tv and being with just Taylor without wondering what anyone else might be thinking. 

Of course, eventually his parents would be coming home and Kelsey cringed at the thought of them seeing how red her mouth was. If there was any dead giveaway that they’d fooled around it was that. And while Laura had told her that they didn’t care, Kelsey couldn’t help but think that they’d judge her for it even if they didn’t say anything. 

Burying her face further into Taylor’s chest, Kelsey focused on his scent and the rhythm of his heartbeat, slowly drifting off after a long physically and mentally exhausting day. She only stirred at the sound of the front door and footsteps entering the house. Laura’s voice filled her ears a moment later and Kelsey silently groaned as she realized Taylor’s mom was home and she was still on the couch where she’d have to face her. 

At the very least she could be not lying head to toe on Taylor’s body looking super intimate when his mom walked in so she shifted to get up off of him, sinking into the area previously occupied by his feet when he sat up, holding her to keep her from leaving the couch altogether. 

“I brought dessert.” Laura called from the kitchen causing Taylor to jump up immediately to see what his mom had decided to treat him with. Kelsey on the other hand stayed put. It hadn’t been that long since they’d had dinner and well at least the family room lighting wasn’t as bright and judgmental as the kitchen’s was. 

Even over the TV, Kelsey could hear Laura head upstairs, probably to change, before coming back down. She could also hear cabinets and drawers open in the kitchen as Taylor clearly worked to get some of whatever dessert Laura had brought home. 

After a few minutes, Taylor came back into the family room with two plates and forks. 

“Strawberry cake?” He offered. 

“No thanks T.” Kelsey declined, not really wanting anything sweet. 

Not pushing, Taylor just set the second plate down on the coffee table, leaving it there for her if she changed her mind. When she didn’t and his had been gone for a few minutes, Taylor offered it again. 

“Are you sure?” 

“I’m good T.” Kelsey insisted softly. Eventually Taylor grabbed the second plate, taking a few bites before putting one on the fork and offering it to her. 

“It’s really good…” He added, full on puppy dog eyes on display. Because he looked so pathetic, Kelsey opened her mouth to let him feed her a bite. It was okay, definitely tasted off in the way that told her it was gluten free but it wasn’t bad. It just didn’t really do anything for her. 

Eating another few bites, Taylor offered another one to her causing Kelsey to shake her head. 

“I don’t want anymore T.” She insisted, “but thank you.” As he continued eating the second plate, Taylor tried to offer her a few more bites causing Kelsey to sigh and shake her head. She was a bit relieved when he finally shoveled the last bite into his mouth before moving to take the plates into the kitchen to be cleaned. 

That relief didn’t last when different footsteps entered the room and the couch sank beside her as Laura sank down leaving a decent amount of space between them. 

“How are you doing Kels?” Laura asked. 

Sinking her head further into her arms and knees which had already been pulled to her chest, Kelsey did her best to hide her face. 

“Tired.” She mumbled softly. 

“Anything else?” Laura prodded gently. 

“No.” Kelsey mumbled, still hiding her face. 

The couch shifted a bit and Kelsey felt Laura’s hand rub up and down her back. Eventually Kelsey lifted her head a bit revealing her red mouth before dropping it again, her shoulders starting to shake slightly. 

“C’mon Kels, let’s go get you some moisturizer for that.” Laura offered standing and holding a hand out to Kelsey. After a gentle tug, Kelsey stood, though now it was more than her mouth that was red as embarrassment coated her cheeks and she blinked back tears from red rimmed eyes. 

Guiding Kelsey upstairs, Laura led her toward the master bedroom. 

“Apologies for the mess but my husband lives here.” Laura stated, trying to lighten the mood as she dug through a drawer in the bathroom before coming up with a bottle that she handed off to Kelsey. It was a basic moisturizer, unscented but with aloe. Taking it, Kelsey squirted a little onto her fingers before rubbing it onto her face making sure to use an extra gentle touch on the area around her mouth. 

All the while she still refused to meet Laura’s gaze, eyes downcast as she mumbled thanks. 

“Is there anything else Kels?” Laura asked gently, not used to the downtrodden shy girl that was once again in front of her. 

Immediately, Kelsey shook her head in reply. 

“If nothing else is wrong, why do you look like you’re about to cry hun?” 

Kelsey immediately rubbed at her eyes with the hand that hadn’t used moisturizer but as much as she tried to make it appear like she wasn’t going to lose it, her bottom lip still wobbled unconsciously. 

Stepping closer, Laura reached out in a signal that she was going to hug Kelsey but was giving her time to refuse. When Kelsey didn’t, Laura pulled her into her arms hugging her tightly. 

“Kelsey sweetheart…what you and Taylor do alone is none of my business as long as you’re careful. I’m not your mom. There’s no judgment here and you’re safe to just be yourself with us.”

As much as Kelsey didn’t want to start crying, the tears spilled from her eyes into Laura’s shoulder anyway. It was baffling to Kelsey that Taylor’s mom was so calm and accepting when she had been so scared of the lecture she’d been certain would come once it became evident that Kelsey had had sex with Taylor in their house. 

Even as she cried, Laura only continued holding her, rubbing her back once again until Kelsey’s body finally started to settle. Squeezing her, Laura pulled back just enough to speak. 

“Feel any better?” She asked softly. 

Nodding, Kelsey bit her lower lip gently. 

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m such a mess this week.” 

“Kelsey, we’ve thrown a lot at you the last few days, cut yourself a little slack, it’s okay.” Laura assured her. 

Letting out a deep breath, Kelsey nodded. 

“I’m gonna go find T.” She murmured, knowing he probably was wondering where they disappeared to. 

“Of course. If you need anything hun just let us know.” Laura insisted, letting go of Kelsey fully. “And feel free to tell Tay to shave.” 

Heading back downstairs, Kelsey followed the voices, finding Taylor and Gary in the kitchen talking about Gary’s golf game. As soon as she entered the room, both sets of eyes turned to her and Gary smiled, immediately opening his arms in a hug. 

“There she is.” He exclaimed. “You and T have to tell us all about your hike today. How was it?” 

Hugging him, Kelsey then stepped into Taylor’s side where his arm was lifted to welcome her back into his grip. 

“I had no idea he was taking me to Lake Louise.” Kelsey murmured. “Words can’t even describe how beautiful it was.” 

Recapping their hike, including Mark crashing it, Taylor and Kelsey talked about their day, sharing the pictures Kelsey had taken with Laura and Gary. Then they talked about plans for tomorrow with heading to the cabin by mid morning so that they could be there and settle and have groceries by dinner. 

As they continued to talk, Kelsey twisted in Taylor’s arms a bit, burying herself into his torso more fully. She really was starting to get tired as it got later and later and she just wanted his arms around her completely. After all, they had gotten up insanely early and it was starting to get late. 

“T, why don’t you take Kels to bed already.” Gary declared after a few more minutes, observing her sleepy behavior. 

Kelsey felt Taylor nose against her head and she yawned before squeezing him tighter. 

“Bed Kels?” He whispered, not moving until she nodded and reluctantly pulled away so that they could head upstairs and get ready for bed. 

“See you tomorrow.” Kelsey murmured to his parents before slowly making her way up the steps. After using the bathroom, brushing her teeth, and changing into pajamas, Kelsey slid under the blankets of the bed just waiting for Taylor to join her before snuggling up against his body. 

Tomorrow they were headed to British Columbia and Kelsey made a promise to herself that she would do her best to leave the drama and fear here and not into the next step of her trip. She really just wanted to enjoy this time with Taylor, that was why she was here. Everything else needed to be pushed to the wayside. 

Kissing Taylor softly goodnight Kelsey rested her head on his chest. “I love you Tay.” She whispered. “But can you please shave in the morning?” 

After a moment his chest rumbled beneath her as he chuckled slightly and she felt his breath across her forehead. 

“Love you too Kels. Now sleep.” 

That was exactly what she was going to do.

[365daysofmovingon]

Day 8: Boxing and tarot

6:00 AM

I haven't slept yet; I spent the last 5 hours shooting virtual enemies in Valorant with friends and strangers. Games saved me before; let's see if it will save me again.

-----

9:00 PM

Yesterday's workout made me want to take up boxing again officially. Unfortunately there are no boxing gyms near me that are open on Sundays, so I ended up doing a 30-minute drive to another fitness gym. From 4 PM to 6 PM I channeled my feelings through punching mitts. It felt good enduring physical pain instead of an emotional one; I was too focused on catching my breath to feel anything else.

Of course this only lasted until the end of the session. Once I got home, things started flooding back, and I was again reminded of how the breakup made me feel: that I'm not worth anything. It sucks when my self-esteem is shattered like this. It's hard to build it back up.

Out of desperation, I messaged a friend who's into tarot and asked for a reading. (I know not everyone subscribes to these kind of beliefs and that's fine. I only recently came to understand and appreciate it.) She referred me to another friend of hers, and luckily this friend was available because of a last-minute client cancelation. Anyway, here's what the cards said:

"You are being supported by the divine. You might not see it right now, but things are actually happening in your favor or for your own good. If you are experiencing delays or things are being taken away from you, it's because the Universe is saving you from something that's much worse. Victory is in your future, a reminder that no matter what things may seem today, you will come out victorious on the other side." "In terms of romance, you are being asked to do some introspection. While your previous relationship still has some pull, and based on current energies it does seem like she still cares about you and there's a slight chance at reconciliation, the cards are also asking you to take an honest evaluation: was it the relationship you think you deserve? The cards warn that toxicity may be present. Have more clarity on what it is you really want from a relationship and/or partner. As part of your introspection, identify any recurring patterns in your previous relationships and any unhealthy habits that you may also need to change in yourself."

This made me feel infinitely better and took me out of my rumination. The Universe is asking me to trust the process. It got my back and gave me an assignment.

[sniigura-archive]

i know you and i like you anyway (2)

chapter 1

tw/cw: drugs implied, slight violence (against nathan), parentification, tell me if i missed smth

nathan prescott x reader ; warren graham x reader

pulling all nighters was part of warrens everyday routine. he wouldn’t sleep for 3 days straight, finishing some school project or movie marathon, only to pass out for the rest of the weekend.

currently it was 6:30 AM and he was on his way to the canteen, wanting nothing more than to grab something to eat. warren couldn’t help but let his mind wander to the new students, or more like one new student. he was beating himself up, because he forgot to exchange numbers or socials with you. how creepy would it be if he showed up at your room?

thankfully, for once the universe was on his side. once he entered the canteen he saw you. if this isn’t a sign from above. you stood infront of the menu, probably trying to decide what to get.

“oh hey! nice seeing you again. how’s it going?” warren skilfully approached you. having you as a friend would probably be good, especially against nathan. another plus was you being actually somewhat nice and cool.

you quickly turned around and looked at him, “..warren, right? i’m doing ok…do you have any recommendations?”

warren shifted from one foot to the other, “hmm, usually i just eat cereal. between us two,” warren shifted closer to you and whisperd loudly, “the food here isn’t so.. radical. if you’re up for it we could grab breakfast at the two whales diner. they got the best food in town!”

you giggled slightly at his antics, “uhh, yeah sure. why not?”

warren gave you a smile which was pure sunshine. oh no, he’s precious. “that’s great! lets go, i will drive.“

shit, ok, you can do that. you can make friends. even if the guy has a cute smile. and a cute face. and a cute personality. god, you’re weak.

you were more than thankful that your scholarships cover more than enough. you appreciated nothing more than the fact that you don’t have to work, and that all your school expense and free spending money have been taken care of. free canteen food is another perk you love. but going out to eat won`t kill your wallet, hopefully.

a feeling in your gut told you that a certain sean prescott has played a huge part in the money you got. your brother has gotten the same perks. lucky bastard.

it wasn’t even you who applied for this school, it was your family who applied everything for you. being away would be good for you. yeah, as if. your mind was constantly buzzing with worry over everyone. the countless dislikes, allergies, appointments and play dates ingrained onto your brain. walking with warren to the parking lot was at least calming you down somewhat.

“so…are you a fellow night owl?” warren asked.

“no, i’m boring. i go to sleep at 9:30 and wake up at like 5 am.” you grabbed the straps of your tote bag tighter, then looking into it to make sure you really have your wallet with you.

“damn! healthy. i wish that was me. i haven’t slept for a second yet.”

nodding along to his confession, you furrowed your brows, “are you sure you should drive? i can also drive, you know.”

warren rubbed at his neck nervously, “no! it’s alright, really. i like to think i’m a pretty decent driver…if you feel unsafe tho! you can drive, of course, or we can reschedule! no stress.”

“it’s cool. i’m starving anyways. if i don’t get anything to eat soon i will get cranky, and i will make it everyone else’s problem.”

chuckling at your words warren continued the conversation, “well, i don’t want to keep you waiting and starving!” you guys reached the parking lot. with big strides, because warren was a long stick, you reached his car. he opened the passenger side for you, dramatically bowing while doing so.

“your majesty.”

you couldn’t help laughing at him, “finally, someone treating me like i deserve it.” sitting down on the seat, warren also closed the door for you. he quickly sprinted over to the drivers seat, and sat down. checking all his mirrors, he started the car. the ride was filled with mindless chatter and questions from both sides.

“i grew up here in arcadia bay, my parents moved away tho. so now i stay in the dorms and can fully live the student life.”

“i’m from florida, i like to blame that on my craziness.”

“i’m an only child. i don’t know if i would like to have siblings, not having to share is great. but being constantly in the focus of my parents also sucks.”

“i’m the oldest. if oliver says he is the older one he’s lying. besides oliver i got another 5 younger siblings. 3 boys and 2 girls. yeah, i hate and love them all deeply.”

“i love watching movies, no matter how bad. same goes for video games. hey! if you’re up for it you can come over to my room and we can play a good ol round of mario kart, or whatever else you want. i can even lend you my flash drive, it has a hundred movies on it.”

“oh that would be very nice. i’m down for movie and game night. i do in my spare time..uhh.. baking and reading..yeah. sorry, once again i’m very boring.”

(who were you if not a substitute parent?)

warren, the angel, assured you that you’re pretty cool in his eyes, “you’re fucking badass, dude! i have never, ever seen anyone stand up to nathan like that. even victoria is sometimes scared of him. she tries not to show it, but i think it’s pretty obvious.”

“..what’s he like?”

“nathan? he’s a fucking bully, man. no offenes. you know, when we were younger he was actually someone everyone picked on. kill the rich kid! but, i don’t know. he changed even before this senior program.”

simply nodding at warrens words, you said, “he..well, he always had…a problem with his temper. it just got worse and worse. i don’t know. i wish i could have done more, but i can’t really break into his head and like, re wire it, you know?”

“yeah, dude, mental illness is a fickle thing. you were also just a kid. i don’t doubt for a second that his life isn’t always fun, but it’s not an excuse to treat others like shit.”

“agreed.”

warren took a turn and drove into a parking lot, “welcome to the best diner food you will ever eat!”

“i don’t think i have ever eaten actual diner food.”

“no way. you’re wayyy overdue.”

and with that you left the car and followed warren into the dinner. since it was pretty early into the morning, it was mostly empty. a police officer and a trucker sat at the front, but they paid you no mind. warren lead you to a booth in the back and you sat down. taking a look at the menu, you tried to decide what you wanted, “do you now have any recommendations?”

“everything, dude. i mean it when i say nothing disappoints here.”

a tired waitress approached, ready to take your oder. warren started, “i would have a coffee please, and the homestyle eggs and bacon, with toast.” she nodded along, while writing down the order. “i would like a hot chocolate and uhhh waffles, with a creamcheeese bagel. thank you.” the waitress left shortly, only to return with your drinks. while she was filling up warrens cup, the door rang and a group entered.

of course, because you are the luckiest person alive, the group consists of nathan, victoria, your brother and 3 strangers. 2 girls and one guy. out of habit and because you knew you needed it, you dumped 1 and a half sugar packs into your hot chocolate. you gave the rest to warren.

the group sat in a booth right beside yours. when you looked up, you could make direct eye contact with nathan. your brother sat besides nathan, he turned around and made the phone symbol with his hands, grinning at you. him being happy never meant anything good, you preferred him to be miserable, because then he didn’t get on your nerves. shaking your head at him, he started dramatically pouting. even going as far as clasping his hands together, in a begging way.

rolling your eyes, you took out your phone to actually check your messages. some where from your parents and siblings left behind, some how are yous and where is the vacuum cleaner, where’s my favourite t-shirt? you love do not disturb, it’s the only thing keeping you sane.

oli

RECIEVED: yo u wonnt believe whhat a lil birdy just told me

RECIEVED: hey

RECIEVED: hey

RECIEVED: yy

RECIEVED: ok i will tell u because u asked soooo nicely

RECIEVED: and since im ur fav siblin

RECIEVED: im ur fave right

RECIEVED: right???

RECIEVED: anyyways guess. whoo misses u and is like madly in luv with u

RECIEVED: nathen

RECIEVED: btw are we fraternal or identical twins i keep forgetting

SENT: are you stupid?

looking up from your phone you glared at oliver. and you could see and feel nathan starring at you. ok creepy. whatever. as long as he didn’t follow you, like into the bathroom you were good. you looked over to warren, who looked a bit worried. probably because it looks like nathan wants to rip his head off. warren for your own peace of mind, don’t turn around.

covering the most part of the text conversation with your hand, you showed warren the twin question, “sometimes i wish i was an only child.” you whispered, warren couldn’t help but start laughing, “that’s a joke, right?…right?” shaking your head slightly, you both giggled at the stupidity.

getting up from your seat, you excused yourself and left for the bathroom. you had to take a break, anymore starring from nathan and you were going to die. literally. sitting on the toilet, with the seat down, you scrolled mindlessly through your phone. trying to recharge as best as you could. while you looked at a post from your 16 year old brother, zooming in and tryign to figure out if that was a vodka bottle in the background, you heard the door open. ok that’s cool, other people use the bathroom. but the person didn’t enter a stall, but seemed to wait something out. or more like someone: you.

you couldn’t help but sigh, betting 20$ that it’s nathan out there. fucker. getting up, you flushed to at least make it somewhat believable that you’re a normal person who does not need to hide away during social interactions to avoid being overwhelmed. you can do things like, talk to people and make friends and be normal. totally.

leaving your stall of safety, you saw nathan. who would have thought. looking away from him, you went to the sink to wash your hands. hearing nathan scoff (from where does he get the audacity?) he walked towards you. deciding to ignore him, you didn’t spare him a glance.

“what? can’t even look at me? i’m trying to have an adult conversation here.” nathan said, spoken with the audacity only a rich, white guy could possess.

“are you messing with me? you’re the one trying to have an adult conversation? where was that energy when i was calling and texting you like crazy. only to have goddamn kristine tell me you don’t want to see me ever again! go to hell, prescott.” at your answer nathan nervously wen through his hair, this was going as bad as it could.

“fuck, i’m sorry, alright? i know i messed up. i didn’t…i never wanted to leave. my dad and then also my useless fucking psychiatrist, they just, they kept pushing and pushing. leaving you behind is my biggest regret. believe me.” nathan saw you thinking, alright, this is going to be his lucky day.

“then why did you never contact me? anywhere? i think you had enough time to regret your actions.” right nevermind, this was the worst day nathan ever lived through and he nearly died of an overdose, twice.

“i..i don’t know. i was scared. being rejected by you is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me.” wow nathan, being so vulnerable. hopefully this tugged on your heartstrings, “i will give you anything you want. you want money? to beat me up? want me to hook you up? cmon, say it and you will get it. you want the moon, baby?”

at the mention of him giving you cash you actually looked low-key disgusted, “i don’t want your money, or anything else. and don’t call me baby. jesus, dude.”

nathan nodded, “forgive and forget?”

“yeah, forgiving and forgetting jesus style.”

“thank fuck. give me your number.” you handed your phone over to nathan, “hey, this won’t be like a thing where you’re too embarrassed to be seen with me, so we never interact in public, right? because i’m not about to be your secret or change myself to fit into your friend group.”

“don’t worry about it, most of them aren’t even my friends. only victoria and rachel are the only real ones. and you, of course. maybe oliver too. he’s realll fun to have around.” nathan handed you your phone back, and with that you were about to leave. before nathan could open the door, you called out to him.

“hey, nathan.”

as he was about to fully turn around towards you, you sucker punched him in the stomach. hard. his knees were bent while he leaned against the door, making him smaller than you. grabbing him by his jacket you pulled him up.

“you ever leave again, without saying goodbye, i will kill you. i mean it, nathan joshua prescott. i don’t care where you are in the world, i will find you and i will shove your camera so far up your ass that you will be coughing up pictures for the rest of your short and miserable life. do you understand?”

nathan nodded wildly at you. you slammed his head against the door, “speak up.”

“y..yes. i won’t leave, ever again. i.. i promise.” at his response you smiled at him and let him go. nathan straightened up, trying to ignore the pain in his stomach. one thing he forgot over the years is the fact that you’re simply terrifying. god, he will probably have a bruise.

your hand petted over his jacket and shirt, making sure he looked presentable and not like you just punched the soul out of his body, “even though i think you’re a dick, i still missed you.”

nathan mumbled out an “missed you too.” and with that you guys left, finally.

yes, you’re scary with possible hidden anger issues and a control freak who just punched him, but why was he so attracted to you? that was like the hottest thing that happened to him. it was also a good thing he was in therapy already.

walking back to your booth, you saw that oliver took over your place. he made eye contact with you, while taking his first sip of your hot chocolate. he made a face at the overly sweet taste, “yikes, i always forget you’re trying to invent a new type of diabetes with your sweet tooth. the fact that you still have teeth is a blessing, man.”

sitting down besides him, you took the mug from him. “go choke.”

“wow! so rude. who raised you? anyways, i was actually about to join you guys in the bathroom. i was scared you were going to kill him. did you punch him? please say yes, i made a bet with rachel. she said no one would dare to punch a prescott, but you’re like, insane. so i said you totally would.”

“congrats, you just won 20$.”

“ha! see! i told you!” oliver climbed over you, while stealing your bagel. rachel got 20$ out of her wallet, or more like frank did. sucker. nathan was back at his seat, actually looking content for once. victoria frowned at you, she then turned to nathan and whispered with him.

warren leaned towards to you, “did you actually punch him?” he whispered. you nodded while

taking a bite of your well deserved food. nothing beats grease and sugar. his teddy bear brown eyes widened at the information, “you’re actually my hero.” you laughed with a mouth full of food.

the rest of the time spent in the dinner was relatively quite. once you finished up, you paid and left with warren, who drove back to campus.

“man, if i could punch nathan i would be the happiest kid alive.”

“you actually have to let it go, dude. i have other personality traits, besides punching nathan. like, insulting him and being his number one bully.” warren chuckled at you, “you’re actually a badass. how do you do it?”

“uhh, i don’t fear most people so i just do whatever goes through my head. i also have never lost a fight and i think that’s doing horrible things to my ego.”

“so cool..”

once you reached your dorm doors, you exchanged numbers with warren and said your goodbyes, for now. he said he would show you around more, once he actually slept for a bit.

[queenmiarys]

ENVY

Song inspiration: Feels like a dream

A/N:1 Thanks @ao719 for listening and for support and giving me your opinion.

A/N:2. I was trying to post last Friday but got super busy .

A/N:3 please excuse any errors or misspellings or grammar mishaps , I did spell check there were none.

I hope you enjoy reading.

Catch up here

-----

Book: Royal romance

Pairing: Liam x Mia

Warning: None

Summary: This take place 2 year’s after meeting Riley, Liam meets 24 year old Amelia Ramos and starts a new relationship.

Most characters belong to pixelberry, Amelia Ramos belongs to me and so does this story.

Chapter Summary: Mia arrives in Cordonia , Drake talks to Constantine.

Word count 2,819

Song inspiration Feel like a Dream

Mia had slept 2 hours of her 10 hour fight, the pilot announced that the plane would be landing in the next 15 mins or so.this put her mind at ease a little more knowing she could get to Liam, but would his father let her visit him, sadness washed over her again now she worried about how she could get in to see him. 

Her father had an associate he had known and worked with for years, to meet her once she got to Cordonia. 

"Once they landed there was a fairly handsome male waiting with 2 parked SUVs with dark tinted windows. She shook his hand. " Nice to meet you I'm Amelia

"Welcome to Cordonia, I am  Rashad Hussein

"Nice to meet you, thank you for taking the time out to meet up with me, I didn't know if my father told you why I came to Cordonia or not." 

"I've known your father a long time, he took me under his wing and he's been a great mentor for many years, Stefan Ramos has turned into a very good friend of mine, so when he told me his daughter met a prince and she's said she was in love I knew I had to help."

This caused mia to blush somewhat, she hasn't even told Liam she loved him yet and now five or more people knew. She was brought from her thoughts when Rashad waved his hand in front of her to get her attention.

"I know Liam personally, I grew up with his older brother Leo, but  since I've gotten to know Liam over the last few years, I consider him a very good  friend and  business associate." 

"Thank you, I'm so glad you are a good friend to him, you know before I landed I was worried, what if his father or stepmother didn't allow to see him or  tell me anything." She admit to him

"Well I want to put your mind at ease, he's doing okay, but he is still in the hospital, I'm sorry I can't give more information due to my business relationship." 

"I can live with knowing he's okay, that's the best news I've heard since hearing this God awful news."

Her and Rashad took the first vehicle along with Bruce and one of Rashad guards, her other 2 guards took the other waiting car

"My duchy is about 30 minutes away, if you like you are welcome to be my guest, I have plenty of room."

"That's so kind of you, yes I accept your offer, I was so worried about Liam I really didn't think where I was going to stay." 

"It's quite alright, I understand."

He looked over at Mia, who were sound asleep.once they made it to Domvallier he tried to wake her but the she was exhausted and overwhelmed from the events that occurred in the last few days, Bruce scooped her up in his arms and followed the maid to an upstairs guest room and laid her down on the bed.

When she woke up around 6:30, she had to use the bathroom. She saw a note on the side table.

If you need anything, use this phone and they'll get it for you or cook whatever you request.

She picked up the phone " hello?

"Yes Ms.Ramos, how may I help you."

"I really need to use the bathroom.".

"It's the second door on the left, the first door is a walk -in closet and your luggage is there, if you need anything else please feel free to call."

 She relieved herself, then made it back into the room and laid out a black blouse with Daisies and a simple pair of jeans and a pair of nude flats. She was going to a hospital where she didn't get Liam all worked up. She thought.

.

After she got dressed, she heard a knock at the door.she hoped she had time to dry her hair but she could just let it air dry. She was ready to see Liam she missed him so much.

"Good morning Lady Amelia, I am Helga. I was asked to escort you to the dining room."

"Why thank you."

"Good morning lady Amelia, I hope that you find my accommodations suitable for your stay last night."

"I really appreciate you letting me stay last night and yes I really enjoyed my stay here, thank you so much."

"And I'm sorry about last night, I didn't know how tired I was. I had been up 2 in half days with a good 2 hours of sleep."

"No need to apologize, I completely understand."

"And why do you all keep calling me lol ady Amelia?

"Get used to it, once they catch on to you being Prince William lady , you'll definitely be called lady Amelia

"This is my father Jamal  and my little brother Jacob."

Rashad was maybe 5"11 but his little brother looked to maybe be 6"3 at least. 

"Good morning, Your Grace."

"Morning lady Amelia?" Mr. Hussein said, "I've also known Stephen for years, we haven't spoken in a while, but you are his pride and joy." 

"Thank you Sir, I thank you for letting me stay last night, well this morning."

"It was my pleasure, when my son told me who You were I welcomed you with open arms, I have an early meeting to attend, I hope you enjoy your time in Cordonia."  Him and the young boy left 

After breakfast, it was now 7:30.

" I have a full day of meetings myself,  but first I will Escort you to the hospital,  it's a 2 hour drive." 

"Let me do all the talking once at the hospital." She nodded in agreement 

When we got outside of the hospital, there was a full staff of guards surrounding the building, you had to show I'd and state why you were there, once on the elevator the guard had to use a key card for the elevator to stop on the floor he was on

Once upstairs they came across Drake sitting outside of Liam's room,  he had been there for now 3 days

"Drake, do you remember the woman Liam met in New York?" He nodded as he watched her  carefully. 

"This is Mia." 

His eyes went wide., "Nice to finally meet, sorry we had to meet under these Circumstances. He shook her hand.

"So nice to meet you, Liam told me so much about you."

"So how are you Drake?: Rashad asked.

Drake looked down at the ground.' I'm fine." 

" Drake man, when was the last time you had a good night's rest.or some decent food?"

"Don't worry about me, I'm fine." 

"Drake you need take a break,  I know he's your best friend but it's been 3 days

"He's right Drake."  he heard a deep voice Bastien was standing behind him.

"Drake you know I got this, go home shower and get some rest, eat."

"I hate to interrupt you all, but can I please go in to see Liam?" 

"Go ahead,  I'm sure he'll be happy to see you." Drake said.

Bastien looked at her with wide eyes, he hoped she didn’t remember him, and when she paid him no attention he felt relief wash over him. 

She opened his room  door. "I told you I'm okay for now, not even looking. 

 After the person didn't leave it caused him to finally look up, his eyes widened. "Mia?" Or am I dreaming? How did-. Before he could ask she cut him off. 

"I'm here Liam." She cried.

.

"Of course you can, just be careful.'

"I'll be careful, I promise. " She sat in-between his legs and gently laid against him wrapping her arms around him, she softly kissed his chest, he caught her lips in a kiss.

"I'm so glad you are here, I just wish it was under better circumstances."

"I hate it too, but no where else than with you."

"I hope I don't scare you Mr. Rys, but I have fallen in love with you, and so many know now I thought I needed to tell you.

"Mia I love you too, actually since the moment we met."

They both laid there for a while.

"Mia, my love." he shook gently to wake her. 

"Liam I'm sorry, I must have fallen asleep, how are you doing?" She got very emotional.

"Hey come here my love, it's okay I'm fine they removed the bullet and I should have a full recovery soon."

"I was so worried about you, I still am."

" Shush let's not worry, I don't want to get all worked up , about tell me how you got here? Liam asked so they changed the subject because he hated to see her cry or be sad.

"I had to beg my father to get us here as soon as possible

Us?

" We'll Yes, my father would've agreed if he couldn't put me under his protection coming here, I have 3 guards.

"I already like your father, if I had a daughter I would do the same." His face grew serious. "So after you leave Where would you be staying?"

 

I was going to get a room 2 blocks from here. It's called Crown mega hotel."

"Nonsense Mylove, my  Apartment is 5 blocks away. I want you to stay there."he said just as Maxwell and Olivia entered his room.

"And who do we have here?" Olivia asked 

This is my girlfriend Amelia and Mia this is my friends Olivia and Maxwell."

"Nice to meet you Amelia Max said 

"Please call me Mia 

"Mia how did you get here?" "Cordonia was shut down until this morning." Maxwell asked

"Thanks to my father's private jet, I had to come,  Liam is very important to me."

"I'm glad you're here."  Olivia shook her hand."

"So am I." Maxwell said. "Bring it in, I'm a hugger." 

They talked a bit. "Well I must get going," Olivia said. Maxwell weaved and smiled. "Maxwell, I need your help, remember?" She notched his side

" Oh,  yeah I remember now." 

Liam mouthed the words thank you to Olivia. Before they walked out.

"So Liv, are you dating anyone? " Maxwell asked, honestly she had been on his mind since the conversation he had with the guys

"Why are you all in my business?" 

"I like you Liv, you're just the right amount of danger I need in my life. He winked

Olivia laughed." What was cousin to you? You two once dated each other."

"We were friends with benefits, that's all."

" hmm To answer your question I am with someone, and even if I was free, look my cousin Amber told me about the 2 of you, so what are you trying to keep it in the family?"

"Liv it's not like that, but if you are ever single I can show you how he should have treated you." He said as they entered the elevator.

"Well this is me, see you around kid."

He winked at her before she got onto her waiting vehicle.

—---------------

"Morning visiting hours were over and the evening didn't start until 6 till 10. 

The new nurse had just started her shift when she noticed Mia and Liam but they didn't notice her

"Hello, Mr. Rys I am Joan and I will be your nurse for today." She spoke up.

"Visiting hours are now over, so say your goodbyes

"Do you know who I am?" Liam said

"Yes Mr. Rys I know,  but that won't get you any special treatment from me, I'm very professional and I rather do what's best for you my client. '  Look I understand young love and you want her to stay but this hospital has rules and I follow them so with that being said I will give you guys another five minutes. " 

They said their goodbyes." Guard." he called out 

"Bastien entered. "Yes your Highness."

"This Mia, can you have someone to take her to my apartment in the capital, send my regular staff, they are to treat her as me do you understand?" 

"Yes Sir." 

The nurse had left the room and returned 10 minutes later. " I decided to give you 2 a little extra time,  come on kiss your prince bye for now, go rest you know he's safe." Mia shook her head in agreement, the nurse hugged her. "Child don't cry he'll be out soon, be happy God protected this man because it wasn't his time,  and trust he's got favors above Angels hard at work, so please go and rest dear." 

_____

Drake had gone back to the Palace,  but his mind was still racing,  he tossed and turned and he dozed off a few times,  but the nightmare played over and again each time he fell asleep,  Liam getting shot and the fact that he actually had to kill a man who almost killed his best friend/his his actual  brother.

He rubbed his hands through his hair and grabbed the bottle of Whiskey that was sitting on the nightstand, it had been a week now since he had a drink.  It was a sharp knock on the door. " Just a moment." 

He opened the door and there was Constantine standing there holding a stack of papers. "May I come in?" Drake didn't say anything, he just opened up the door and walked over and sat in one of the chairs by the window. " Look son, I want to explain the best I can."

"Okay I'm listening, let's see what you come up with to justify lying to me 29 years of my life might as well say 30 I have 60 days before my birthday. "

"Mainly I did it because that's what your mother wanted for you,  a normal life, she didn’t want you going through life as a royal, she thought it'll be safer if you stayed a commoner and I agreed, maybe I should've done  things differently

He had told Drake about his earlier life with him and my  mother and Jackson.

"There's another matter at hand Drake."

"And what's this matter?"

"I was diagnosed with stage 2 lung cancer and the doctors gave me a year to live, that was 6 months ago son." 

"Why are you telling me this and not Leo?" 

"The only ones who know are Regina and Bastieand Olivia.

"So again why not talk to Leo?"

"Because out of the 3 you have always been the strongest, when I die, I need you to look after your brother, Leo can manage but Liam he puts up a big front, but we both know him you boys have been best of friends since you were little please don't let it came between you."

 

"I can do that, you know I love Li, he's always been my brother."

"One more thing Drake, I saw some of your work helping others, imagine how you could help others as an official Duke and the right resources and finances, just think about it please, and it's also up to you whether or not we tell the world who I  am or keep it in the family, I would never force you son, I have a press conference soon, I know you don't particularly care for me but for time I have I want to try and in few days I want to discuss other matters, here are your real birth records and birth certificate. "

—-------

Mia had arrived at Liam Apartment in the Capitol. It was beautiful after the tour. 

They were told dinner was ready, she hasn't really eaten  much in nearly 3 days.

Once down stairs they were greeted by a male and female. 

"I am Jesus your gourmet chef 

"And I am Silva your dessert chef 

"If you need anything please feel free to just ask and we'll do our best to make or to get for you."

"Got it, thanks." 

A few hours had passed and it was 2 hours until she could visit Liam.

" May I help you, MIa called out to the lady she saw standing in the doorway, the lady smiled.

"Guard." She called out

"Please stop calling for them, they can't help you, but I can."

"How ?" Who are you?" How did you get in here?"

"Just trust me, William is a good man, never give up on him, all relationships have problems,  but I'm asking you to stick with him, he will truly treat you like the queen you are meant to be, Amelia."  The lady disappeared.  Mia ran from room to room looking for this woman but she was nowhere to be found, it wasn't a dream because she wasn't asleep. Was she going crazy or was someone really there. 

"Lady Amelia, are you okay?" Jared the butter asked. 

"Yes I'm fine."

After visiting Liam they went back to his apartment,  I just need to get  some rest.

_____

Liam was out in the garden, and Riley joined him"Beautiful day isn't Liam how about we try again?" Please give us another chance?"

"Another chance after what you did to me, I'll never be that stupid ever again, you fucked my fucking brother and made him fall for you and then just up and disappeared without a trace, and now you want another chance

She touched his hand but he pulled back. " My new future is with Amelia, I love her, and  I'm over you Riley." 

"I'll always be the one for you Liam, I made a mistake it's always been you I love you."

"You don't know what love or loyalty is, it took me a while but I finally met someone who I'm falling for, me and you are over." 

(Reality

"We are over Riley." Liam said in his sleep.

Riley stood holding his hand as she blinked back tears.

"I'm sorry." She whispered softly before leaving the room. 

Liam's eyes slowly fluttered open, he looked around not seeing anyone but he could smell her perfume, she was the only woman he knew who wore pleasures perfume, he closed his eyes remembering the night of the Gala. "Bastien, please come in here now."

"Yes Sir?" 

"I need a list of all my visitors,and  I need to speak with Drake."

"Yes Sir, right away."

Bastian stepped back in the hall and walked over to the staircase 

"You got to be careful, you don't want to upset him, go scrub that sent off you if you want to see him again." He whispered

.

"Eventually I'm going to have to reveal myself, we have unfinished business." Riley said as she left.

@honey358luv @luvquit @alj4890 @ao719 @hanaleeappreciationweek @harleybeaumont @shewillreadyou @yaniradolton @yolandawalker @yourmajesty09 @msjr0119 @mom2000aggie @kingliam2019 @olivianevrakiscutie @twinkleallnight @karahalloway @bebepac @dcbbw @differenttyphoonwerewolf @choicesficwriterscreations @choicesmcmadness @choiceskatie @harleybeaumont @jerzwriter

[leffee]

who among main 7 have the best (and worst) sleep schedules?

Ok, ok, so I have already talked about their sleeping habits and all here https://www.tumblr.com/leffee/733349620256817152/what-do-you-think-the-main-7s-sleep-schedules?source=share so I will kinda work with this in mind and also because of that I won't get into details that much.

Zoe has the best one actually because she has consistent hours when she goes to bed and when she gets up and those are 8 hours. She, of course, needs her beauty sleep and those 8 hours are the healthy option. One thing is having a schedule, but she actually sticks to it as well, bless her.

Just below her is Russell who also has consistent hours but doesn't stick to them quite as throughly. But he does go to sleep and gets us at reasonable hours, even when he doesn't need to he gets up at 8 or 9 am. So good hours and actually sleeps when goes to bed, I'd say that's pretty solid.

Then there's Sunil mainly because he realllly needs his sleep or he's miserable. If he could sleep less hours and be okay the next day he would sometimes but alas. He can't just sleep for 3 hours one night even if the previous night he slept for, I dunno, 12 hours, that just doesn't save for him, it just resets and he needs his sleep once again. He can certainly stay up, but mainly does that when he doesn't have to get up at some early hour the next day, so even if he stays up until like 3 am it really doesn't affect him all that much because he will then just simply sleep for longer into the day than if he had fallen asleep earlier.

Penny's sleeping schedule really depends on whether the next day is a free day for her or not. If it's not, she will usually not stay up at all and just go to sleep for many hours, though sometimes she can stay up telling herself that she'll go to sleep "in 2 minutes" and then those 2 minutes can stretch into 10, or 30, sometimes an hour. When it's a free day, well, she will stay up as long as she wants to which really varies. Sometimes she's super sleepy at 12 am but other times it's 4 am. She really likes watching movies during nighttime, it just hits different.

For Minka staying up for the whole night is nothing special. In fact, she stays up very often until pretty late hours. Sometimes she can pull a few all-nighters in a row. Basically, she's going until the exhaustion catches up with her, sometimes it takes one night, sometimes it takes three, sometimes a few hours. You never know how long she will sleep, when she will fall asleep or wake up.

I'm taking Vinnie and Pepper as one package because they're basically the same when it comes to their sleeping schedule. And that schedule is shit. They both always go to sleep late, no matter at what hour they have to get up the next day or what they need to do, they can pull several all-nighters. After 5 nights (at Fredddddy's) they barely function and yet they somehow do. Never went for longer though and are not willing to. And then there are days when they sleep for 12 hours, but fell asleep at like 6 am. They get up and it's evening. In fact, many times they have no idea what time it is once they wake up until they look at the clock. Vinnie's sleeping schedule might be just a bit better because he can on occassions sleep for very long time without waking up, and by that I mean 24 hours long or so. Pepper can't, she wakes up sooner or later. They both also have permanent eye bags.

I said it before and I'll say it again... let em sleep :]

[australiablog]

27&28/6

In Belgium the summer holidays start on the 28th of June this year, it’s why I opted to leave the 27th so prices are cheaper as when you leave in July. My first flight to Singapore was at 11:50 so getting to the airport at 8:30 was plenty of time. Unfortunately for me as soon as everyone found their seats on the plane, we got told there was a delay of an hour. I was freaking out since I only have about an hour and a half at Singapore. The flight would take 12 hours and thankfully not 13, of those 12 I spend about 5hours sleeping. It went by faster as I thought it would. At Singapore I was lucky we arrived at the same terminal I needed to be, because the plane was already boarding. I had to go through a tiny security again and they threw away my water. Which I was not happy about. My plan was to watch doctor who but in the end I couldn’t keep my eyes open and slept most of the time. It was 8:30 but my body thought it was 2am. Arriving at Darwin was first a bit stressy, I have an AirTag on my suitcase and it showed it was somewhere above the water. By the time I went through passport control and to the loo it had updated itself, and my suitcase was in fact with me. Since I was delayed in Singapore, my suitcase was one of the firsts to get on the conveyor belt. All in all, it only took about half an hour. Brussels airport could never! I’m not sure what I was expecting once I exited the airport, but it wasn’t this. Also the heat was insane, as soon as you stepped outside, the warmth rolled over you. It’s also incredibly humid. We had months of bad weather in Belgium and only went above 20C/68F last week. So I am definitely not used to being in good weather yet. I knew that as soon as I would sit down at the hotel, I would crash. So I dumped my stuff and went to find a shop to get sunscreen and have a look around. The centre of Darwin is not that big so it was easy walkable. There was a path along the waterfront that I took and came across this pretty little beach

I sat there for a while watching, it was very peaceful. I wanted to go for a drink but I couldn’t find any of the bars I had heard about, which was actually not that much of a pain, since I was dead tired. Decided to go back to the hotel and repack my suitcase, I had half of my clothes and toiletries divided over my backpack and other bag, in case my suitcase shouldn’t arrive with me. By the time I did that and took a shower I was fighting to stay awake so I just gave in.

[cocomonetxos]

1 Corinthians 15:1-41,43-58 KJV

Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel which I preached unto you, which also ye have received, and wherein ye stand; [2] By which also ye are saved, if ye keep in memory what I preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain. [3] For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; [4] And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures: [5] And that he was seen of Cephas, then of the twelve: [6] After that, he was seen of above five hundred brethren at once; of whom the greater part remain unto this present, but some are fallen asleep. [7] After that, he was seen of James; then of all the apostles. [8] And last of all he was seen of me also, as of one born out of due time. [9] For I am the least of the apostles, that am not meet to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. [10] But by the grace of God I am what I am: and his grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain; but I laboured more abundantly than they all: yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me. [11] Therefore whether it were I or they, so we preach, and so ye believed. [12] Now if Christ be preached that he rose from the dead, how say some among you that there is no resurrection of the dead? [13] But if there be no resurrection of the dead, then is Christ not risen: [14] And if Christ be not risen, then is our preaching vain, and your faith is also vain. [15] Yea, and we are found false witnesses of God; because we have testified of God that he raised up Christ: whom he raised not up, if so be that the dead rise not. [16] For if the dead rise not, then is not Christ raised: [17] And if Christ be not raised, your faith is vain; ye are yet in your sins. [18] Then they also which are fallen asleep in Christ are perished. [19] If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable. [20] But now is Christ risen from the dead, and become the firstfruits of them that slept. [21] For since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead. [22] For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive. [23] But every man in his own order: Christ the firstfruits; afterward they that are Christ's at his coming. [24] Then cometh the end, when he shall have delivered up the kingdom to God, even the Father; when he shall have put down all rule and all authority and power. [25] For he must reign, till he hath put all enemies under his feet. [26] The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death. [27] For he hath put all things under his feet. But when he saith all things are put under him, it is manifest that he is excepted which did put all things under him. [28] And when all things shall be subdued unto him, then shall the Son also himself be subject unto him that put all things under him, that God may be all in all. [29] Else what shall they do which are baptized for the dead, if the dead rise not at all? why are they then baptized for the dead? [30] And why stand we in jeopardy every hour? [31] I protest by your rejoicing which I have in Christ Jesus our Lord, I die daily. [32] If after the manner of men I have fought with beasts at Ephesus, what advantageth it me, if the dead rise not? let us eat and drink; for to morrow we die. [33] Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners. [34] Awake to righteousness, and sin not; for some have not the knowledge of God: I speak this to your shame. [35] But some man will say, How are the dead raised up? and with what body do they come? [36] Thou fool, that which thou sowest is not quickened, except it die: [37] And that which thou sowest, thou sowest not that body that shall be, but bare grain, it may chance of wheat, or of some other grain: [38] But God giveth it a body as it hath pleased him, and to every seed his own body. [39] All flesh is not the same flesh: but there is one kind of flesh of men, another flesh of beasts, another of fishes, and another of birds. [40] There are also celestial bodies, and bodies t

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, JANUARY 31, 1991 God, I am so tired. I fell asleep at 9:00 and sure enough, I woke up at 1:00 after sleeping 4 hours. I woke up sneezing and blowing my nose. My lungs don’t feel bad and I’d rather wake up to sneeze and blow my nose rather than coughing and wheezing.

Andy came over saying he thinks he may be catching a cold and I hope that doesn’t worsen mine cuz you know how weak my immune system is.

I need to try to quit smoking again soon and also go see Dr. McGovern. I need more Theodur and I guess I’ll also discuss allergy shots. I wish I could do the natural cure by quitting smoking permanently!

Russ called tonight sounding sincere again saying he’d really like to resolve our dispute. I told him once again that if he’s willing to drop it, I’ll drop it and that I surely do not plan to live here forever. I also told him that for the last 3 days, it hasn’t been bad in here cuz it’s been a little warmer outside, but as soon as it gets bitter cold out, it gets cold in here. I reminded him again that I, and the other tenants, wouldn’t complain for no reason and hopefully it sank in this time and he’ll give up on his spite tricks. But as long as he’s gonna push the eviction, I’m gonna push small claims court. If anything, he owes me money that I’ve paid for the heat that was supposed to be included in my rent that I never got.

Boy, is it ever windy out now. It sounds like someone’s screaming.

I really do need to try and go back to sleep, so first I’ll make coffee, smoke a butt, listen to a little music, and then I should be more than ready.

Tomorrow I’ve got to go to Food Fart.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 30, 1991 Andy better hurry up. His show starts at 1:00. If he’s not here, I’ll record it. He’s supposedly coming over with

Later…

I was interrupted before cuz the phone rang and two seconds before Andy’s show came on he walked in. His show wasn’t on anyway cuz of the Gulf War update. He was pissed and I don’t blame him cuz that’s what the news hour is for. They shouldn’t keep interrupting the shows. News belongs on the news.

He’ll be here for 6 hours editing his tapes.

I got a call from Martha and I am going to see her later at 4:00.

Later…

I’m glad I went to therapy after all. I got a lot of shit off my chest. We basically discussed how I view myself and how others view me. I told her how and why I thought I was a quality person who may appear goofy and playful but is mature and good at knowing other people’s characters. We talked about how there are many types of people that I dislike, but I still understand why they’re the way they are.

I also discussed how I get the types that are loud, obnoxious and desperate or the geeky shy types that can’t speak for themselves and aren’t firm enough when they need to be. I told her I need someone more outspoken and loving and understanding, yet as rough and as tough as they need to be.

My sister called. I told her if worse came to worse she could check out apartments for me.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 29, 1991 Yesterday I woke up feeling like shit. I was really congested. I took my asthma pill and some Dimetapp and Brenda gave me some Anthramycin which is an antibiotic. As long as I eat a little before taking it, it doesn’t play with my stomach.

Yesterday I woke up at 7:30am. Today I woke up at 6am. Nice, huh? Now wait till I have to perform this Friday night. But my point is that even though I woke up with a coughing fit after I’d slept 4 hours like I usually do, I woke up later feeling great! The antibiotic really helped with my congestion. I haven’t sneezed yet and haven’t blown my nose 5,000 times.

I’ve had half a cigarette though and I’m gonna do the 2-3 a day thing rather than 5-6 to really lower my nicotine level and try quitting again. Kim offered me 5 bucks a day if I quit. That does make it more encouraging, besides the idea of being able to breathe and sing without clearing my throat or sneezing.

Speaking of my voice, God is it really developing! I’m really getting to be quite a good singer. It gets more and more brilliant and vibrant.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 27, 1991 Russ came over yesterday before noon. He asked me to write down every time it got cold and what the temperature was after putting a thermometer in each room.

He told me he was prepared for the judge to allow me to stay until October but that he hoped it wouldn’t come down to court. There’s nothing solid or valid he could do or say in court, and I told him I would move when I’m ready to move.

Tomorrow, I’m going to call legal aid.

Later…

I was over at Brenda and Bonny’s place and I played them the edits I made early this morning. They’re not bad. I gave Bonny this T-shirt she liked and she gave me a denim mini-skirt. She also gave me little bulletin boards in the shape of the letters L and R. L and R can stand for Linda Ronstadt.

Kim will be here any moment for a sign language lesson.

Lisa, the girl I met at the Pub said she’s home all the time. Well, she must have her ringer off if she did give me the right number cuz I tried 4 times and there’s no answer. She’ll have to call me.

I’m starting to get a little tired. I hope Bill’s not here too long. Also, Andy needs to bring over my videotape along with his so I can record his show.

Later…

I’ve had a great day today. Bonny and I have gotten to be pretty good friends. “It’s better than fighting,” like she said.

Andy and I had a nice visit although the woman he’s renting from is really treating him like shit. He’s moving back in with his parents by Valentine’s Day.

Bill, Andy and I had a nice talk, and I played them my new edition of the edits.

I’m beat cuz I’ve been up since 2am, so I should sleep quite well. I just hope that none of these fucking street animals wake me up.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 26, 1991 Andy and I performed tonight. Neither of us won, but it was fun just the same. The audience and the judges didn’t dislike us, but we both felt we were nothing special and could’ve been better.

It amazes me how many people I know. People came up to me before the show and talked to me that I didn’t even know that knew me from previous shows. This one guy remembered when I signed and said that was “fierce.” I saw tons of people I knew who complimented me after the show and I was also complimented by people I didn’t know. Raven was there along with Emie, Loopie, Candy, Jasmine, Miles, W.C., Scott, Rachel, Dedra and at least 20 or more other people I know.

I met this incredibly feminine girl named Lisa who gave me her number if it’s the right one. I wasn’t too impressed with her hair which was short on top and spiked with a long tail in the back. Her body and her face were beautiful, though. She’s not bi either, she’s just gay.

Last year, though, I would really be into her and meeting others. I used to be so eager. Now my heart’s just not in it like it used to be. There’s still a great part of me saying, “All I want now is to be alone and I’m not even quite ready yet for a one-night stand.”

I saw 3 other girls who were even more gorgeous, and yes, I would do a one-nighter with them right away (one at a time, of course). One was straight, as usual. The other 2 were a couple, also as usual. They were so feminine, though, and each one had such nice long dark hair.

Also, I chatted with the cops.

Later…

I broke down in tears thinking about this shit with Russ and finally said to myself that I was going to put an end to this either the easy way or the hard way. So I called Russ and asked to speak to him. He said sure and sounded very friendly and sincere. I figured he’d more or less have nothing to say to me.

Anyway, I said to him, “How can you be so cruel and vindictive when you never were before? You’ve done me favors such as not having me pay last month’s rent and got me movers. So why are you so eager to see me out on the streets when you know I have nothing, no money, no family and nowhere to go? I have never hurt anyone or anything and I don’t know what you can say in court or if this is a tax-related thing or what. You even said so yourself that it would get cold in here when it got bitter cold outside and you know there have been several other tenants complaining. If you’d stop putting temperature recorders in here that say it’s a temperature it’s not, then I’ll forget about taking legal action if you’re willing to drop this and turn up the heat.”

He sounded friendly, as I said, and said he’d like to stop up and see me sometime before noon. I’ve no idea what he’s planning, but I’ll write about it once I know.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 25, 1991 Shadow’s climbing all over me. I swear this cat is so affectionate and loving. He follows me everywhere. I should’ve named him Glue instead. Earlier I was running around the living room with him. We have several games we play.

I spoke to Andy a little while ago for the second time. I told him I’d record his show for him on one of my tapes.

The reason I’ve been sleeping during the day, which of course is never hard to do, is cuz as I mentioned before, Andy and I are performing at the Pub a noche.

Andy told me another bizarre thing. First, let me back up and mention Angie. I don’t think I did mention her. A while back, not even a month ago, we went to the Pub and I eyed this girl, she seemed prettier than usual and had Andy speak to her for me. When he came back to where I was sitting he said she was a rude bitch. He said she said, “Well, after I dump this asshole I’ll think about it.”

She was with another girl. Angie was totally smashed and the next part of the story will tell you so.

As Andy and I were leaving at closing time, we walked by Angie and her girlfriend and Andy goes, “Now, here’s the better-looking girl,” and she saw me and insisted I come back to the bar. She hadn’t seen what I looked like till then.

Now here’s the sad but typical part. Especially for a bar person and a fairly good-looking one. She screamed out so the whole bar could hear, “Will you lick my pussy?” Then she did the usual trick people do and gave me the wrong phone number.

What’s bizarre is that Andy was cutting through this Laundromat to his mother’s store that I’ve been to before, and it turns out Angie works there. That Laundromat is a dump. I used to go there when I lived on Oswego St.

He said he said her name to be sure and she said, “Yeah, I’m Angie. How’d you know?”

Then Andy told her, “You don’t want to know.” Andy said she had no makeup on and looked tired.

He also said that maybe God sent him to walk through there to find out where she works so I can take it from there.

I definitely don’t want a relationship nowadays with even the right person. I just wanna have fun here and there, but not with just anyone. Right now what’s most important to me and mainly on my mind is having what I’ve never had in my entire 25 years of life. Sex with someone I’m really sexually attracted to and turned on by if only for a night. I’d rather have a few one-nighters here and there even if it’s only 5 a year with someone I’m attracted to, rather than get serious with someone who doesn’t really matter.

Later…

I went through all my journals and I’ve kept journals for 3 years and 3 months now. I went through each one and wrote the entry dates on the covers. I guess that’s gonna be my new thing. I’ve written 360 days of the 3 years and 3 months’ time. On the cover of each book I wrote the month and then each day of that month that I wrote.

I think I’m gonna go lay down. It’s fucking freezing in here! That little fuck of a bastard landlord of mine. Boy, do I ever want to hound the shit out of him!

Later…

The housing people are coming on Monday and I called Mom who was being her usual bitchy self and asked if she’s heard from him, which I doubted, and she hasn’t. This shit Russ is pulling is definitely tax-related as well as to raise the rent when I’m gone. But I’m gonna be here for a while, and if Russ keeps this shit up, it’s gonna cost him more money than a profit.

A few years ago when Nellie and José pulled their crap on me by ripping me off, I brought up charges and was able to drop them over the phone after being paid back by Nellie. Well, I just tried that by calling the courthouse saying I was Jenny and it didn’t work but all is still well cuz I’m not going to court.

I will not give Jenny the satisfaction of showing up for a lousy slew of prank phone calls. Jenny got exactly what she deserved and I know lots of other people have done the same.

I haven’t heard from John R since he got fired from Mercy Hospital.

I tried calling the Laundromat where Angie works and no one’s there now but this retard janitor. Guess they don’t open till 10:00. I’ll try again soon.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 24, 1991 When I finally fell asleep I’d been up for 20 hours. I awoke at 8:30 this morning. I’m surprised I didn’t sleep longer since I couldn’t fall asleep till 4:00 this afternoon.

I called Community Care and left a message for Martha saying I wouldn’t be back. I figure how am I ever going to learn how to suppress my feelings and be independent if I continue therapy? Yes I know I’m already what most people would call mega-independent for a girl my age especially. All except for my source of income. I’m not gonna get into my income except to say yes, I’d much rather earn it by singing and someday I will but for now, I do not feel guilty. The state owes me. They fucked me over. And over. And over.

Although I’ve known all my life that being a famous singer was destined, I also knew it wouldn’t come young. I figured I’d be between the ages of 30-32. I knew it’d be fast once it all started. That may be why it’s not coming till 30-32 rather than now.

Also, I knew that the Gods had lots of learning experiences for me and survival tests lined up for me and boy have I now had 5 lifetimes of that! However, I am grateful to have learned some of the things I’ve learned. What you don’t know can hurt you or severely frustrate you or raise false hopes for you.

I am surprised Andy and Fran haven’t tried calling. Also, there was no message on the machine from Brenda.

Later…

I am going to try to stay up till 9:00 when the Western Mass legal aid office opens. I need to speak to a legal intern who’s got some advice for me. I don’t know if I wrote about it yet, but Russ is being a prick by trying to evict me. I know it’s cuz I’ve been demanding the heat that I pay for in my rent that I haven’t gotten along with several other tenants. This may also be for tax purposes or to get people out so he can raise the rent. My parents and Tammy are pissed at him and Dad referred me to Legal Aid. The little fuck, though, wouldn’t speak to me or Tammy and never called Dad back. He refuses to give me a reason while he told Andy it was cuz I didn’t like the neighborhood so I can move out. I was in the ER at the time so he handed the notice to Andy.

I went down to the housing court and the woman there said that cuz I pay on the 1st, he can’t evict me till February 9th. He gave me a 30-day notice on January 9th, but by law, the little fuck can’t do shit till March 1st. Hopefully, Russ will hurry up and take me to court so I can sue him there and try and get rent back payments for the months I froze my ass off. That’s probably what that Wendy at Legal Aid will tell me to do. I mean, what the fuck does this prick expect to say or do in court other than make a spectacle out of himself. Steve says the jackass will drop it. Bullshit. I know how people are. When they start trouble they start trouble but this little fuck obviously doesn’t realize he’s fucking with the wrong girl.

Same with Jenny C. Court on March 6th! HA! Jenny got exactly what she deserved, so she’s going to have to enjoy going to court herself cuz I sure as hell won’t be there.

Later…

Me and Andy are performing at the Pub this Friday night. He’s gonna do If I Were You by Stevie Nicks and I’m gonna do Words Get in the Way by Gloria.

Speaking of Gloria, she’s got a new album due to come out in 5 days. I hope there are some songs in Spanish on it. I wish I could’ve gotten that album with a lot of her songs in Spanish on it including Words Get in the Way (No Me Vuelvo a Enamorar). It would be better to do the Spanish version for the contest. I’ll need to order that album.

Brenda gave me 2 ciggies so now that’ll make 7. I’m really gonna pay for this. God, please don’t let me have a bad attack till I can once again get up the will to try and quit again.

Ok, time to move me, my coffee and my phone to the bedroom where I’m nice and comfortable.

Later…

I woke up feeling fairly good. I slept with my humidifier on.

Little fuck Fran’s up to his shit again. I woke up to a message from his neighbor Debbie accusing me of saying I’m gonna hurt her 2-year-old daughter and that Fran got a call from DES. I then had to explain to her how long I’ve known Fran and how little she knew him and that she had quite a bit to learn. This poor girl was terrified and I assured her no threats were made. Fran got her all worked up and it’s obviously a rejection issue or the fact that Fran had a horrendously lousy day. Debbie said I sounded sincere and I told her not to worry about Fran’s BS and not to let it get to her. I also told her to tell Fran that not only is he not welcome here anymore, but he’s not welcome to call me either. Between the shit Fran pulled with my mother along with other stuff and now this, that’s the final straw and I don’t need him.

Andy left a message about returning the videotape of his so I can record his soap. I called over where he lives and Gail says he’s not there. I also called over at Brenda’s, assuming he’d be there, but there was no answer.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 23, 1991 I have therapy today yet I don’t know how the hell I’m going to get there. I slept till almost 8:00 last night.

Andy came over last night and once again things are fairly good between us now that we’re not living together. See, when you have a fight with someone over the phone, you can just hang up on them. It’s not that simple when you’re living with someone.

Since Sunday I’ve been having 2-3 cigarettes a day and it’s catching up to me so I’ve got to be careful again. My back pain’s back and I’m waking up coughing again.

MONDAY, JANUARY 21, 1991 Yesterday my niece Lisa turned 8.

The day before yesterday I had about 4 cigarettes. I was terrified to go to bed thinking I’d wake up with a wicked bad attack, but I woke up fine. In fact, I feel better than I have in a long time. My nose and lungs are clearer and I’m not tight in the chest and there’s no back pain. Today I’ve had only one, but I could really go for one now.

Later…

Right after I last wrote, Jimmy gave me a cigarette which was my second. I fell asleep at 9:00 this morning figuring it’d be easy to get up at 1pm cuz I’d slept so many hours the day before. How wrong I was. I was dead tired. I didn’t get up until a few minutes before 4:00 when Bill rang the buzzer. I remained tired ever since but at least I got my grocery shopping done. I want to do more laundry tonight but I’m too beat. Last night I did two loads from around 12:30-2:30 AM. It was quite convenient as I’m a night person and knowing no one would be using the machines.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 19, 1991 Sure enough, I fucking woke up hacking my brains out about an hour ago. I had fallen asleep right after I last wrote. I definitely have a cold. No doubt about it as I can really feel it now.

Andy said that even when I feel I’ve kicked the smoking habit, I’ll still have urges. Of course, I know I will every so often and Andy’s been supportive but I think he’s starting to get jealous somewhat. God knows he’s very capable of that too, as I’ve seen him display jealousy before. It’s ok to feel a little jealous of someone now and then but it depends on how you handle that jealousy. Andy has quit before for 10 days two different times. Depending on the situation, I sometimes will look at a glass of water as being either half full or half empty. Andy will always see it as half empty.

Well, the street animals are out playing musical horns as usual.

Thank fucking God Andy will be here in less than 12 hours!

Later…

I wish to hell I could go back to sleep for a while. I have a lot of shit I need to do today and I want to sleep tomorrow night to be awake for Sunday’s voice lesson.

I started to get really pissed off with my urge to smoke. Even though they’re not intense, they’re still pretty frequent and I know it’ll be this way forever. The thought of always craving a cigarette pissed me off to the point where I held one and stared at it. I told myself if I smoked it, I’d have a severe attack which is true. I told myself I didn’t want to ever have to go to the ER again and be within inches of death 24 hours a day and in so much constant pain that I WISHED I were dead. I also thought of my singing. Yes, craving one is a better way of suffering, but it’s going to suck just the same. Since I do not drink or do drugs, it’s hard not having something of some kind to do, and watching others smoke.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 18, 1991 If I’m such a cruel nasty bitch who has so many bad points and not too much good, as people like to tell me, then why do people bother with me? Why not go find someone like themselves? I’m sorry but I just don’t feel guilty or selfish cuz I want to live alone. Or be myself.

I haven’t talked with Steve or Jessie for the longest time. I’m not good enough for them. That’s how I feel. I can’t help but always feel that with everyone even though I know I have good qualities. If I dump all my friends I won’t have to worry about communication and being misunderstood. Or feeling like I’m not good enough or a burden to them. People can be so contradicting, too. They play with my head. I’ll say something in which they’ll say they agree with 100%, then the next day they’ll use it against me and play me for a fool. Like, “How dare you say that Jodi!” But yesterday they agreed with and fully understood what I said. I’m no longer gonna be made to feel ashamed, foolish or guilty about the way I feel about things. The way I feel is the way I feel and who and what I am is who and what I am. Not what others want me to be, say, act or feel.

Later…

The little wimpett is going to start moving today and be out by tomorrow. I’m counting down the minutes.

Another reason I haven’t spoken to Steve is, that I’m tired of the “Andy said” bullshit. It puts me on the spot when I’m all of a sudden hit with something Andy said. Then I have to defend myself and explain something he made up or twisted around to make them dislike me or misunderstand me. He loves to turn people against me and he’s dropped plenty of hints that he’s had some pretty long and heavy-duty talks with his friend Adam concerning me. With many others, too. If you typed up all he’s ever said to people about me, he’d have a 3” thick book. Of course, in the long run, as far as Andy thinks, he’s 95% right and I’m 95% wrong.

Later…

Tomorrow Mr. Melodramatic is out of here. Thank fucking God! I can’t wait to have this place back to myself. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be here but God only knows I’m counting down the minutes till Mr. Antic is out of here.

It shocks the shit out of me to say that as of 1am tonight, it’ll be 5 days, going on 6, since I last smoked. Amazing, huh? Not that I’m not getting urges here and there. I am. But the urges are very brief and 5 days is fantastic seeing that the longest I’ve ever made it before was just a tad over 2 days. My back pain is gone. And I am no longer so severely short of breath. I’m still a little tight in the chest, though, and a little wheezy and still coughing and sneezing some. Besides having bad withdrawal I also have a cold. The cold is subsiding much quicker than it would’ve if I smoked still. It’ll be really nice to only have a cold for 4 days out of a year rather than 300 days out of a year.

Later…

Jesus, I’ve been up for 22 hours! When am I gonna fall asleep? I think part of it is cuz I’m so psyched for Andy to get the fuck out tomorrow morning. Wait till the people he rents from finds out he doesn’t do chores and he breaks things. Or tries to when he isn’t getting his way. Wait till he himself finds out our friendship is over.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 17, 1991 Well, in an hour I’ll have gone 72 hours without smoking. The reality of it all still hasn’t quite hit me, but everything’s gone just as I predicted. Just like with the Navane and other things I’ve predicted how, why and when they’d happen. Some predictions, for example, with the Navane and smoking I predicted 3 or 4 years before it happened. Before I quit, I mean. I could see how it was gonna happen too, and why.

Later…

Am I ever psyched for Andy to get the hell out! He’s supposed to move this Saturday to rent a room on Dickinson. Yeah sure, but I’m like, get this wacko outa here! Andy never really was a true friend. Not in all ways, but in some ways. The reason I’m running around calling him a liar about this and that so much lately is cuz he’s done it so much to me. He can’t take his best friend’s word for anything so now he’s seeing how he likes it. Why would I, or any other 25-year-old need to lie? I’m not a child who has to fear punishment if the truth is told.

I cannot wait till he’s outa here and I will never ever let myself get into this situation again. I, of course, should’ve known better with a person like Andy. Or his type. Andy just freaks over anything and everything. I know plenty of other people who I have much less in common with but could live with them so much easier. However, I never will live with anyone again. That’s how I felt before Andy moved in so I sure as hell won’t change my mind about that now. He has lived here for almost a month.

Later…

The last sentence got cut off cuz Andy and I started talking. We also played the piano and sang. I still say, though, that yes he has a lot of good qualities, and yes we have a lot in common, but God he can be an asshole!

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 16, 1991 While I’m waiting for Martha I can tell you how well I woke up. It was 5am and fucking Andy asked me to wake him up at 7:00. I told him to set his alarm in case I fell asleep and I did. I then woke up briefly at 9am. The next thing I know, the little fuck is saying, “Hey! Hey! Don’t you have an appointment?”

It was 1:15 PM and my alarm had another 45 minutes to go. I wanted to kill him! Then the little fuck goes, “Thanks for waking me up.”

I told him it’s not my fucking responsibility to get him up. I also set his alarm and he said it didn’t work so he took his anger and frustration out on me by waking me up. Then the immature brat plays the answering machine messages back loudly, stomps his feet and sings at the top of his lungs. Is this guy ever going to grow up?

His favorite show had 20 more minutes to go when he left, and I had had it with his bullshit, so I stopped the VCR from recording.

He’s got two days to get the fuck out.

As for the good news and yes, believe it or not, there is good news. Very, very, very good news. I have not smoked since January 14th!!! No, I do not feel like I want one!!!!!

Later…

I let it all out in therapy today. About how despite the fact that there’s a lot of good in Andy, he’s also an immature, spiteful, selfish little boy who only will hear what he wants to hear. And how he’s got to either condemn or make someone miserable in some way when things in life aren’t going the way he wants.

He’s over crying on Brenda and Bonny’s shoulder now as he’s not man enough to face me. Like last night when he said how his mother said it was wrong for him to go to Brenda. I simply said, “Andy, you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do, believe what you want to believe, say what you want to say, and hear what you want to hear.”

He’s a wimp and even though he’s turned Brenda, Bonny and Steve against me, I know they’re really fed up with him crying on their shoulders and needing a babysitter. Of course, God help someone if they should be upset or sick and go cry on HIS shoulder.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 13, 1991 Well, I’m still feeling like shit, unfortunately. There’s no feeling worse than wanting to pick yourself up, be happy, be productive, but you just can’t. My asthma’s killing me and I’m still under mega-stress. Way more so than I’ve been in a long time. I mean, this has got to stop, but I feel helpless. Like I don’t know where to begin to help myself. It just isn’t always easy. I miss those days when I was productive non-stop and could physically bounce off the walls for endless hours. I was a dancer. Now I take two steps and my heart’s racing or I’m wheezing or both. I wanted to kill myself for getting so out of breath with only two bags of groceries to carry up. Two years ago I could’ve run up those stairs 20 times.

I still can’t stand having Andy here. Even if I lived with Brenda I’d go nuts, even though she’d be easier to live with cuz she’s more easygoing and calm compared to Andy.

Andy looked at a room on Mulberry St., but I’m afraid he’ll be here much longer than I can stand. Andy and I will remain friends, but I may move to CT since there’s nothing for me here and Andy and I will save money and then maybe move to PHX.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9, 1991 It started to snow a few hours ago so I was off by one day but that’s still close.

Right now I’m listening to Andy, Fran, Tracy and Raven make prank phone calls. Raven was in the lip sync contest and never won. She was a pitiful drag queen and literally froze on stage, but seems to be a nice person. Fran’s taken him in for a month till he gets a job. Well, like Tracy said, Fran’s good for taking people off the streets.

Last night was a hell of a night. I had a severe migraine and was crying for hours in bed till I finally threw up twice. Of course, Andy didn’t give a fuck and I knew it so I held it in and suppressed the urge to scream out. I needed someone so badly last night. Well, I had to puke instead cuz Andy would’ve freaked if I woke him up. Plus, he’d rather make me feel worse than better. I get shit on whether I speak positive or negative about myself. The guy who’s supposed to be my best friend’s busy turning my friends against me and constantly talking shit to Brenda, Bonny, Steve, you name it. He said, both to me and others, more negative shit about me than positive.

I’ll write more later since all I have to talk to is this book unless I hold it in till I puke. But puking is better than trashing things, though I can’t believe I didn’t. Reaching out to people and communicating with them only gets me in trouble and misunderstood so I’d rather puke and lose weight.

MONDAY, JANUARY 7, 1991 Well, it didn’t snow today like I felt it would, but they say it may snow Wednesday.

I met this really nice nurse named Kim at Baystate ER. She’s super nice, open-minded, and the type you feel you’ve known for years the second you meet her.

She was on her way home when I was standing outside the ER entrance when I saw The Joy of Signing book in her hand and we took it from there. It turns out that we have a lot in common and I’m giving her sign language lessons. We’ve met 3 times so far and today she took me to Valley’s for baked stuffed shrimp in exchange for me to teach her sign language. However, she really is doing me a favor too, by giving me a chance to use my sign language and to keep on top of it.

Later…

From now on I must learn to be my own therapist. I shall try to discuss as much as I can about my feelings with myself or write them in this book. I always admired myself for being able to speak my mind but now I find it’s better to keep my mouth shut most of the time. Communication only starts fights and arguments. People often misunderstand the things I say and do and take me the wrong way so what’s the use? I’m gonna just start going along with as much as I can except for things like sex with an ugly woman or a man. I want to learn to talk less and be able to cheer my own self up when I’m depressed or sick as independently as I can.

I’m really proud of myself for last night. I had a massive asthma attack and I was terrified. I mean fucking terrified. I was crying tears like a leaky faucet, but I didn’t wimp out to anyone. I was about to dial 911 and say, “Look, it’s been hours that I’ve been trying to fight this off and I just can’t.” Yet even after being told at the ER what a risk it is to your heart and in other ways, I beat it on my own.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 5, 1991 I just took some decongestant medicine Brenda gave me and I'm so drowsy now.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 1, 1991 Age 25

New Year’s Eve sucked. First of all, Jimmy, downstairs, and I made a big mistake of picking up Fran and bringing him over. Fran embarrassed the shit out of Jimmy who had Mike and Lisa over. Mike and Lisa live next door in #11. Jimmy’s in #10 directly below me. He’s getting evicted which sucks. He turned out to be an ok neighbor. With my luck, some jackass will move in who’s the type that’ll freak if I have the stereo on the lowest volume.

Fran was drunk off his ass. He couldn’t stop playing with my hair, slapping me and Andy on our heads and he fucking raided the kitchen as if he hasn’t eaten in years. He’s not ever again coming over here.

Tracy was over tonight. She lost a lot of weight.

Andy and I had a huge fight and we shoved each other. Much later when we were calm we laughed about it, admitting we were glad we shoved each other to get our frustrations out.

I really do hate having a roommate and I explained to him that it’s gonna take some serious getting used to and adjusting. I’ve been alone so long and I do prefer it that way. 3 years or so ago I’d have jumped at the thought of having a roommate, but as I’ve gotten older, my desires have changed. Just like I really don’t care to be with a woman or to have a baby anymore. I do want to very occasionally have casual sex, but not with just anyone. I really wish someday I could have one night, just one night, with a woman I’m attracted to and I feel that spark with, rather than a woman who’s just ok. I know it won’t happen, though, and I accepted that a long time ago. Well, like I always said, better to fantasize about first best, rather than to settle for second best. Another reason that’s better about fantasy is that if the relationship is getting rocky, you can simply click it off and out of your mind. You certainly can’t do this in a real-life relationship.

[stardustinmyhands]

6/5/24

I still won’t say what my jealousy is ok. I told a few people. I don’t need to reveal it at all, and I feel a little guilty about it.

Today I’m just sore, no pain. Taking meds to help it. My stomach hurts a little bit. And somehow I got chub rub on my thigh well I slept, baby powder is helping.

Our car completely died on Sunday. We are gonna go look at cars on Saturday after work. Wish us luck. 🍀

I have to appointments this week, luckily I get free rides through my insurance to medical appointments. So I set those up. Tomorrow is my infusion and Friday I see a cardiologist.

I’ve been staying on top of taking my medicines as I should. So I don’t emotionally spiral again like I did a few weeks ago. It didn’t it like it, I felt so out of control. Like I just cried and felt so helpless. I like that I can control most of my emotions.

I take my Adderall everyday now cause it helps me human. I have its molecule tattooed on me. I wanna add more molecules to it of the medications I take to regulate myself. I’m thankful I found medicine that works beautifully for me.

All cause about 20 plus years ago psychiatrists said let’s try a seizure medication with an antipsychotic medicine. I was put on lamictal and Abilify. Today I’m on triliptal and Abilify, trileptal is a seizure medicine so that combo works amazing for me.

I didn’t get put on adderall till I was in my 30’s. It was a fucking game changer, even my gf cried at improvement she saw in me. I was on several other stimulants before I got put on adderall. I even tried Ritalin, which helped some but not nearly as much as adderall improves my life. My doctor even gives a big dose. I’m on 50 mgs a day. He said the highest dose gives out is 60 a day.

I felt jealousy over not having babies. I told my boyfriend there is a part of me who still wants to get pregnant. And I said I know it would be selfish and dangerous to me and the baby. He said yes it would. I also said I wouldn’t even attempt to get pregnant without his ok. That would also be getting my mirena out, which I wouldn’t without his ok either. For two years I had unprotected sex with my donor, no baby. I wrote in my journal I told the universe since I was a kid, I wanted to be a mom. I mean I was raised that everything happens for a reason, my name literally means that I was told that my whole life. I guess kids were not in my life book this life anyway.

Look how fucking that smile is. I love her so much. I’m 43 and proud to be a Little Monster. One of my managers said when he first met me he wonder what my sexuality was, then he saw my Lady Gaga necklace and knew then. I love that story. I felt safe enough to tell him I was bisexual and polyamorous, and that I have a gf and boyfriend. Where I live now is very Mormon-ville, so I was weary to reveal who I really am till I trusted a few people.

I put cinnamon in my coffee and I’m drinking it with a chocolate protein shake. It’s so good.

Tomorrow is my IVIG infusion. This hospital doesn’t use the bottles they come in, when you arrive the let pharmacy know and the pharmacy put it into a little bag. So I get no bubbles. 🫧 I liked seeing the bubbles. My port Tony makes my infusions so much easier. I have an endoscopy next Friday, that will make it easier too. No iv’s for this girl. I’m getting to infusion early tomorrow so I can eat breakfast at the cafeteria and find the infusion center. It’s like on the second floor in the middle of the hospital. At the Phoenix hospital it was like 100 feet from the entrance, which was right by the parking garage, with covered parking.

I will watch the Chromatica Ball tomorrow while getting my infusion. I watch it at least once a day now. I also have to search for car dealerships, and call and make an appointment with my rheumatologist, I don’t have a follow up yet, and it’s a several month wait to get into him.

I rambled on a lot today. Ok I’m done for today. I have to finish my 2nd coffee and finish cleaning the kitchen.

[gddmgttsu]

Good morning!

(or atleast how 3am is morning to some but still night to others)

I’ve had a wild day yesterday and I still have a lot of mixed feelings about a few things. Honestly I still haven’t settled with how I feel about everything so it’s a bit hard for me to calm down still.

It begins 2 days ago where out of nowhere I get a text saying that I have a job interview the next day. I was surprised because that’s barely enough time to prepare myself but I decided to go along with it anyway…

That night I slept on time but I only got 1 hour of sleep. Something was wrong with me and I decided “ehh I’ll do it anyway it shouldn’t take more than a few hours and so I got prepared to go to the interview at 8am with no sleep.

Right as I left the house with my resume and everything, about a third of the way there I realize I left my ID at home. I felt a pit in my stomach and in that moment I knew it was over. I wasn’t getting this job but I still went back home to get it and go anyway.

When I got there, I was greeted with about 20 or so applicants and I was the last one there. I was about 10 mins late when I should have been 15 mins early so I wasn’t feeling very good.

After a bit of waiting, we were all led to a room with a papers infront of everyone’s seats. As I sat down, it was a basic math test with subtracting, adding, multiplying and word problems. Remember I’m on an hour of sleep and Ive been awake for 9 hours since that nap so my brain was fried.

I couldn’t remember how to do those basic calculations by hand since it’s been so long and I use a calculator for everything now. The numbers I was writing felt correct though by just eyeballing it and so I finished it somehow.

Next was the interview segment. They interviewed us 3 at a time and when I was called a nice lady started asking me questions. At this point I honestly didn’t care anymore. I was so sleepy and tired that I knew deep down I wasn’t going to make it. I answered everything as earnestly as I could. I had no real experience with the job I applied for so I tried to make up for it with enthusiasam… atleast as much as 1 hour of sleep could get you…

What surprised me was after everyone was done, around half of us were called again to another room and inside it was another goddamn test for everyone.

It was vocabulary, number pattern recognition and abstract pattern recognition. it’s about 11:30 by this point and I’m just cooked but I still tried my best to answer it. It was a first for me to get extensively quizzed like this for a job. It felt like trying to apply for college again.

After that they gave everyone left slips of paper. I was expecting mine to say “you tried. you can go home now :)” but to my surprise, it said I was cleared for the final interview. I was so shocked that it took an extra second to see that I had to wait an HOUR MORE because it’s lunch break and they told us to get lunch.

I was tired, I was sleepy and I wanted to go home but I guess sunk cost fallacy kicked in and I toughed it out. I got lunch and waited. Ironically it said 1pm but we didn’t actually start until 2 so I was getting really impatient.

Everyone started getting called 1 by 1 by the head of HR and I was called last. Apparently the person that interviewed me before was the head of HR so I didn’t actually get interviewed again. I was just given the job proposal and was asked to sign a contract.

…I actually landed it.

I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve been unemployed for longer than I should. I always felt jealous of my friends who seem to be able to go through their life on track and here I am with an actual real job for once. I had several emotions but I couldn’t quite internalize them for a bit since it’s not over yet.

My contract was that I was assigned to a nicer area but it’s a bit away from my house so my commute will be a bit strange. I dreaded gettng a job around there but I have no choice since I need the money and I need the experience.

Next was that it was 6 days a week… I wasn’t very happy about that but I guess I can’t be picky. I should be happy but to lose one of my weekends fills me with dread as to how I’ll cope long term.

I was given a long list of requirements due next week which honestly sounds like a nightmare but I gotta do it. With that I was sent home.

On the car ride back I was feeling anxious. I was scared I was going to mess this up. I was scared of losing time to myself and I was scared of losing my friends strangely enough.

I was going to be busy from this day onward for a whole year… It’s quite a shock and a whole bunch of responsibility was dumped on me in one instant.

When I got home, it was really starting to sink in just what exactly I signed up for. I was so sleepy and I wanted to just lie down and sleep. I had to shower since I was out the whole day and the only thing at the back of my head was “If I don’t calm down right now I’m going to explode”. I haven’t felt this way since college.

Right before going to bed I talked with my friend, maybe my closest friend right now. They were happy for me and supportive which helped but after I calmed down I felt alittle sad.

They’re normally busy so we rarely hang out but recently we’ve been talking alot every other day. I enjoy their company dearly and to suddenly have that be abruptly cut made me feel very lonely.

I don’t doubt that we’ll still be friends and that we’ll still talk throught the thing but right now I feel as if there’s a barrier between me and my support group.

I’ve had a good nights rest since then and I’m writing this post as I woke up.

My sleep was rocky as it was cut into 5 parts and it was plagued by every fear I described. I noticed that after every sleep-wake cycle I was less anxious about everything and it really felt like my mind was coping very hard. After about 12 hours of sleep I’m awake now.

The only feeling I have left is just sadness…

I really don’t know if I’ll be able to live up to the standards expected of me. Being an adult and one who’s life fell apart right sfter college is very scary. It’s isolating and I feel very prone to bouts of depression thinking about what went wrong.

Aside from a handful of people, I don’t have a lot to talk to about my problems that really understand. Honestly I started this blog as a place to just write down how I feel because it’s genuinely crippling sometimes.

I’ve mostly accepted the fact that this is now the next step in my life. I very much need to stick with it as best I can because this is an opportunity to turn my life around.

If not for myself, I should do it for the few people that believe in me.

I suppose we’ll see how life goes from this day onward and I hope for the best for other people in the same situation as me. I should consider myself lucky and I’ll try to keep a positive attitude from now on.

I’ll do my best!

[nataliebenson13]

Swiftie Embabies

Soooo I had the egg retrieval - Let me tell you about that day Egg Retrieval

It was an early morning. We had to be at the clinic at 7:30 AM and since traffic in Nashville is terrible we had to leave around 6:00 AM. Since I was busy working the night before, I missed the cutoff to eat so I was starving. We get there and the wait was super short. Once in the back room, I changed into my gown. Then the nurse came in and went over basic instructions. I had to use the bathroom and by the time I made it back to my bed it was an influx of people coming into the room. The doctor came in first to meet me and let me know how the procedure was going to go. The embryologist came in next to confirm what they were going to be doing with the eggs. Lastly, the nurse came in to start my IV and get my feel good meds going. I asked if I could keep my Speak Now Taylor's Version friendship bracelet and she said yes :) Everything after that was a blur. I know I said goodbye to my husband, and then I was singing Taylor Swift. In what seemed like the quickest second of my life, I was waking up. CORRECTION** I was waking up telling my husband " I love you and I love Taylor Swift" The doctor came in and told me everything went good and they got 33 eggs. Apparently I told her how much I loved Taylor Swift too so in being a good Swiftie of course I had to give her a friendship bracelet. The nurse came in and gave me fentanyl for the pain. After she gave it to me, I got scared. Fentanyl is the scary stuff people die from, but she told me not to worry that it was a very small amount. I hadn't felt the pain yet, so It must have been working. The next step for me to leave was I had to pee before they would let me go. I couldn't go and I kept laughing. They even put some peppermint oil in the toilet because they said that helped. Something helped me and I remember laughing and telling the nurse, and her saying she never heard that before. I still don't know what it was- and think I should be embarrassed. I got dressed and left friendship bracelets on the bed for all the nurses. The drive home was ok and once I got home I went straight to the couch and heating pad. The pain was starting to come on and it hurt!! Every time I got up, I felt like *IT* was going to fall out. Don't ask me what *IT* was but it felt like it was just going to drop out!!! The next pain point, was a pain in the ass - literally. Butthole contractions. That's what it was. I would be perfectly fine, and then suddenly out of nowhere, they would come and they would be so sudden, so sharp, and so painful. It made me cry. That was a fun night. I even slept on the couch. The next morning I woke up with news of my embryos.

33 eggs retrieved

26 mature

20 fertilized

Then came the dreaded 6 day wait for an update. By the end of night 2 post retrieval, I was up and cooking dinner. The house would starve if I didn't. The pain wasn't that bad. The headaches that came the next few days were terrible. The hormones leveling out.

Day 6 Post Retrieval Update

33 eggs retrieved

26 mature

20 fertilized

9 EMBRYOS MADE IT TO BLAST AND WERE FROZEN

We have 9 embabies. At first I cried, scared and worried about the decline from 20 to 9. But after some time - I'm happy with 9. The worst part now is the 2 week + wait to find out how many of the 9 are genetically normal (and girls). I'm holding out hope that of those 9 there will be at least 7 healthy. I can't wait to transfer! I'm trying to look at the time that I have to wait, as time to get all the things done that I won't be able to do once I'm pregnant :) AND I need this transfer to happen timed perfectly so I can still go to the Eras tour in October next year! Once again, thank you @taylorswift for all the joy you bring me and others!!!

[ourlittledinosaur]

How I slept 7 hours: Sleep Saga Continued

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How I slept 7 hours: Sleep Saga Continued

Co-Sleeping 

There’s a lot to be said about co-sleeping. However, this post isn’t to hash out the safety precautions or to rave about the family bed. I simply want to write to share that co-sleeping is how I was able to sleep 7 hours last night. 

Seasoned co-sleepers will be nodding their approval I’m sure while others may cringe upon reading the words “family bed”, but my hope is that some where out there another tired Mama might be able to use one more suggestion to help her get a little more rest.

Milestones and Growth

My son is going through many milestone changes all at once.  It’s taking what seems like forever to cut his first tooth. Due to the drool and chomping, we’ve been expecting it for over a month now.  He’s recently hit 6 months and this past week, his constant eating and excessive night waking surely indicates the 6 month growth spurt. 

And now, my 6 month old is mobile! What?! Oh yes! He’s not full on crawling (yet!), but he is army crawling everywhere! It’s incredible. So we quickly did the baby-proofing shuffle. (I attribute this early progress to all the floor and tummy time with Daddy.)

If you’ve searched the web for anything like “why isn’t my baby sleeping? ” and insert the age of the baby, many times you’ll be reminded that during milestones, they just don’t sleep all that well.  Needless to say, my baby is feeling a little more clingy than usual.

So while I want to curse the lack of sleep, my “joy comes in the morning” as I realize all the amazing things my son is learning and has achieved. (Praise God for the fleas.)

Our 7 Hour Night

Usually I put my son to bed in his crib around 6:30pm. Then my husband and I are able to spend some time together and relax for the evening. My son wakes up to eat between 10:30 to midnight, then wakes up again a couple times in the early morning light sleep but can usually quickly be put back to bed.

Well, last night was a horse of a different color! He woke up at 9 pm and ate like he was starving! Then we went through the routine of burping and laying him back in his crib. No way, he wasn’t having it. Upon his head (or foot or hand) hitting the sheets, he immediately woke up and fussed. I don’t know how many times over the next hour I tried to lay him in his crib. It was a lot. He was perfectly content and asleep there on my shoulder.

So finally, I gave in to my own need for rest and went into his room to lay down on the mattress (on the floor) we use for his nap times. He stayed asleep. Until 5 am. What?! Oh yes! I didn’t know he could do that either!

Well, I may not have seen my own bed last night and I did miss my husband but getting to sleep without interruption for the first time in 6 months was incredible!

Decisions

I’m not really sure what’s around the bend. My husband and I discussed it this morning and we think we’re all finally ready to move our son’s crib into HIS room instead of in ours. We considered it at 4 months when he was growing out of the bassinet, but I told my husband I wasn’t ready, so we moved his crib into our room.

We also laughed as we realized, this probably means we’ll all be camped out in his room while he makes this transition. My son, me, my husband, who doesn’t want to sleep alone either, and our two dogs are moving into the nursery tonight! 

Go ahead and smile and laugh as you picture it. You know it’s funny. 

Right or Wrong

As I continue to post about our sleep/no-sleep adventure with our firstborn, (I say “our” because my husband is definitely in this “together” with me.) it dawned on me all the opinions that MUST be floating around out there.

Every parent does things differently (and from what I hear, differently from child to child as well), but it seems many people want to “put their oar” in without actually listening to the desires of the parent they’re trying to mentor.

There’s so much differing information about child rearing and it can be difficult to sift through it all, and very easy to feel like a failure once you chosen a path and then hear something different or read an article with a differing perspective. It can be downright stressful!

The fact is, God didn’t make us all from the same mold. Throughout creation you can see God’s appreciation for the unique. The individual characteristics and strengths He created in all of us is evident in our very children as we watch them grow. We appreciate these attributes in others, except perhaps it may seem, when it comes to parenting? 

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to tell my story. And I love to give advice to others. In fact, I’m known to apologize in advance and give permission for the other person to tell me “thanks, but, no thanks” when I want to give advice! 

What I want to encourage here is that the advice we are giving is given out of love. And may I also suggest that the advice given is for the benefit of the other person and not for our own parenting knowledge gold star or feather in our cap. 

This isn’t a plug for everyone’s “truth” is right for them. God’s truth is the only truth and He has made that very clear when it comes to right and wrong. God didn’t make us all the same, though he did gave us commandments about certain things. 

I think we can all agree that those commandments don’t cover what color I should wear today anymore than whether I should breastfeed one year or two (or, dare I say it, more. Gasp!). I mean look at how different we all are from one another! Naturally we’re going to have different parenting styles as well. 

Wisdom in a Multitude of Counselors

Don’t go it alone. There is something to be said for asking for godly advice in all aspects of our life. Proverbs says, there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors. So choose a few people you trust and ask for their perspective. They may come up with some good ideas you haven’t thought of yet! 

And for those unsolicited advisors, don’t tune them out completely. You may be able to glean some gold nuggets from their experiences. Be encouraged, that their intentions are most likely good, they just aren’t very graceful about how to tell their story or offer advice that doesn’t sound judgmental. Chances are they don’t know how it makes you feel.

So wherever you are in your journey, whatever your challenge, take heart that although we are all different people, you can surround yourself with loving and encouraging people to help you through it. Even if no one else knows what to suggest in your situation, you can always ask them to pray for you. 

“Bear one another’s burdens…” Galatians 6:2a

“Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” Proverbs 11:14

“…Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5b

Let us hear from you!

What advice might you have for my situation? What, if any, sleep challenges have you had with your children?

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[queennicoleinboots]

New Testament Study_January 26, 2023 KJV

1 Corinthians 15: Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel which I preached unto you, which also ye have received, and wherein ye stand;

2 By which also ye are saved, if ye keep in memory what I preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain.

3 For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures;

4 And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures:

5 And that he was seen of Cephas, then of the twelve:

6 After that, he was seen of above five hundred brethren at once; of whom the greater part remain unto this present, but some are fallen asleep.

7 After that, he was seen of James; then of all the apostles.

8 And last of all he was seen of me also, as of one born out of due time.

9 For I am the least of the apostles, that am not meet to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God.

10 But by the grace of God I am what I am: and his grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain; but I laboured more abundantly than they all: yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me.

11 Therefore whether it were I or they, so we preach, and so ye believed.

12 Now if Christ be preached that he rose from the dead, how say some among you that there is no resurrection of the dead?

13 But if there be no resurrection of the dead, then is Christ not risen:

14 And if Christ be not risen, then is our preaching vain, and your faith is also vain.

15 Yea, and we are found false witnesses of God; because we have testified of God that he raised up Christ: whom he raised not up, if so be that the dead rise not.

16 For if the dead rise not, then is not Christ raised:

17 And if Christ be not raised, your faith is vain; ye are yet in your sins.

18 Then they also which are fallen asleep in Christ are perished.

19 If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable.

20 But now is Christ risen from the dead, and become the firstfruits of them that slept.

21 For since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead.

22 For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive.

23 But every man in his own order: Christ the firstfruits; afterward they that are Christ's at his coming.

24 Then cometh the end, when he shall have delivered up the kingdom to God, even the Father; when he shall have put down all rule and all authority and power.

25 For he must reign, till he hath put all enemies under his feet.

26 The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death.

27 For he hath put all things under his feet. But when he saith all things are put under him, it is manifest that he is excepted, which did put all things under him.

28 And when all things shall be subdued unto him, then shall the Son also himself be subject unto him that put all things under him, that God may be all in all.

29 Else what shall they do which are baptized for the dead, if the dead rise not at all? why are they then baptized for the dead?

30 And why stand we in jeopardy every hour?

31 I protest by your rejoicing which I have in Christ Jesus our Lord, I die daily.

32 If after the manner of men I have fought with beasts at Ephesus, what advantageth it me, if the dead rise not? let us eat and drink; for to morrow we die.

33 Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners.

34 Awake to righteousness, and sin not; for some have not the knowledge of God: I speak this to your shame.

35 But some man will say, How are the dead raised up? and with what body do they come?

36 Thou fool, that which thou sowest is not quickened, except it die:

37 And that which thou sowest, thou sowest not that body that shall be, but bare grain, it may chance of wheat, or of some other grain:

38 But God giveth it a body as it hath pleased him, and to every seed his own body.

39 All flesh is not the same flesh: but there is one kind of flesh of men, another flesh of beasts, another of fishes, and another of birds.

40 There are also celestial bodies, and bodies terrestrial: but the glory of the celestial is one, and the glory of the terrestrial is another.

41 There is one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, and another glory of the stars: for one star differeth from another star in glory.

42 So also is the resurrection of the dead. It is sown in corruption; it is raised in incorruption:

43 It is sown in dishonour; it is raised in glory: it is sown in weakness; it is raised in power:

44 It is sown a natural body; it is raised a spiritual body. There is a natural body, and there is a spiritual body.

45 And so it is written, The first man Adam was made a living soul; the last Adam was made a quickening spirit.

46 Howbeit that was not first which is spiritual, but that which is natural; and afterward that which is spiritual.

47 The first man is of the earth, earthy; the second man is the Lord from heaven.

48 As is the earthy, such are they also that are earthy: and as is the heavenly, such are they also that are heavenly.

49 And as we have borne the image of the earthy, we shall also bear the image of the heavenly.

50 Now this I say, brethren, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God; neither doth corruption inherit incorruption.

51 Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed,

52 In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.

53 For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality.

54 So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory.

55 O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?

56 The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law.

57 But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.

Revelations

19 And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.

20 He which testifieth these things saith, Surely I come quickly. Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus.

21 The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.

[keywestlou]

COLD IN KEY WEST…..HORRIBLE IN BUFFALO

COLD IN KEY WEST…..HORRIBLE IN BUFFALO - https://keywestlou.com/cold-in-key-west-horrible-in-buffalo/A weather man I am not. Yet I know what happens in upstate New York and Key West based on years of experience. Experience acquired by living in each area for decades. Key West weather today 72-78. The 72 at the moment is cold. Cold for Key Westers who are accustomed to mid 80's. Fortunately, snow will not fall. Has snow ever fallen in Key West? Buffalo, on the other hand, is in for what has already been predicted to be an "historic storm." Four to five feet of snow. Temperature 27-35 degrees. Four to five feet a crippling storm. Does not necessarily mean a suffering one for most. I spent 60 plus years residing in Utica. On the same line as Buffalo. Less than 200 miles separating the two communities. Yearly "major" snow storms generally 1-2 feet. Occasionally, the mother of all storms. Three feet plus. A few really big ones over the years. Could have been 5 feet or better. I never minded the big storms. Meant everything closed down. Roads impassable. No one could get to work. No one could get anywhere. Everyone home confined. It was a time when families got to know each other again over a three day period. I loved it! Especially when the kids were small. I had several law offices. One located in Buffalo. A big storm hit. My staff "lived" in the offices for 3 days. Slept on desks and the floor. Somehow were able to get food from here and there. One concluding observation. When it is "very" cold in Buffalo and upstate New York, it is cold in Key West. Look at Key West's temperature for today and compare it to Buffalo's. Being Catholic has/had its disadvantages. There was once a time when it was a sin to eat meat on friday. I started doing Confession around 6 years of age. Many a saturday this little boy stood in line waiting to go to confession. Sweating, nervous. I had sinned. Ate meat on friday. Probably a bologna sandwich. On this day in 1966 U.S. Catholic bishops did away with the rule meat could not be eaten on fridays, except during Lent. When they did, I was in my early 30's so it made no difference. I did not eat meat on fridays. Probably because I would be embarrassed to confess that as an adult I had committed such a stupid minor sin. Felt sorry for Lori yesterday. As she was cutting my hair, I asked how her leg was. Lori is a runner. Five to seven miles a day. She had complained to me two weeks earlier her leg was bothering her. Turns out she has a torn meniscus. No running for six months. Tear small so no surgery. I feel sorry for Lori. I have known her for a quarter century. She has always been a runner. On the way to Harpoon Harry's for lunch, I ran into Aaron Wechter. I have not seen Aaron in quite a while. My first real male friend when I arrived in Key West years ago. It was good to run into him. I enjoyed our chat. Aaron is a very busy man. An extremely busy Notary Public. He marries people. The biggest and best "marrying man" in Key West. Big day tomorrow at Hogfish! Bobby and Michelle Mongelli are celebrating the 20th anniversary of opening what has become one of the most famous eateries in the Keys. Hogfish. Festivities begin "around 4 o'clock." Syracuse plays football against Wake Forest tomorrow at 8 pm. Syracuse 6-4, Wake Forest 6-4. Syracuse has lost its last 4 games, Wake Forest its last 3. I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen. A lot of crazy people in this world. You don't need me to tell you. On this day in 1978, the Jonestown deaths occurred. Nine hundred eighteen cult murders and suicides. All promoted by cult leader Jimmy Jones. Jones had formed a haven for his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. The cult members are said to have "drunk the Kool-Aid." All but 2 died from cyanide poisoning which was either drunk or injected. Some are reported to have consumed the cyanide against their will. Enjoy your day! Eat bologna, don't drink Jonestown Kool-Aid!  

[warden-melli]

Gonna try drawing a short haired Melli tomorrow. Will chaos erupt? Will the world end? Will I forget to do this entirely? Stay tuned to find out

[mieisuke]

They Wake You Up

Staring: Chifuyu Matsuno + Keisuke Baji + Ran Haitani + Rindou Haitani

Tw: fem!reader, swearing, fluff + crack

Master List

Chifuyu Matsuno

It was uncommon for Chifuyu to come home late, even though the Toman meetings were held at an ungodly hour at the Shrine. Nevertheless, your boyfriend always managed to make it home on time but he did have his days where he was late.

Now, out of all days he had chosen to be late - it was the one day where you were spending the night at his house. What irked you the most was the fact that he had begged you to spend the night and had the audacity to not even be there.

As the large clock hand came around to land on the ‘6’, you were beginning to doubt his commitment. By this point, your commitment to staring at the wall’s clock was stronger than that of Chifuyu’s word. His mother, holding a washing basket full of clean clothes that were ready to be folded, came around the hallway corner to see you seated on the lounge.

She quirked and eyebrow, “Is Chifuyu still not here?”

You acknowledged her presence with a smile and shook your head sheepishly, “No he isn’t. I haven’t been waiting that long though.”

“Dear, you’ve been here since 4:30….” the woman sighed. “I’m tellin’ you that the boy’s gonna get his ass whopped if he comes home.”

╰☆☆ ☆☆╮

Hours went by and there was still no word or text from your boyfriend. His mother was nice enough to make you dinner which you both happily ate whilst watching a movie in the living room. Though, there soon was a time where you both had to sleep and so, here you were, laying in Chifuyu’s bed - taking up the whole damn space for if he were to return, he’d need to sleep on the floor.

Your sleep was serene, peaceful and tranquil. It was short lived. You eyes couldn’t help but spring open after hearing a loud thud of a body hitting the wooden floor of the room. Followed by the pained voice of the one and only - Chifuyu Matsuno. You sat up from his bed, turning on the bedside table’s lamp to see your boyfriend on the floor, staring back up at you.

There was a long silence.

You spoke first, “Need I ask where you’ve been?”

The blond male watched as your eyebrows furrowed with expectation for his answer, almost demanding that it be exceptional enough for your standards. He gulped.

“Baji… kinda got into a fight on the way back from the Shrine which ended us up half way across Tokyo,” he sighed. “My phone died before I could text you.”

You narrowed your eyes slightly before flopping down on his bed and closing your eyes once again as you mumbled, “For waking me, you’ve been evicted from your own bed.”

Chifuyu gasped at your statement, “Then where am I supposed to sleep?”

You shrugged, “You already look comfortable on the floor to me.”

Keisuke Baji

Baji was a wild one. He was a menace in the streets and a disruption to society as well as your sleep schedule. Unlike him, you had academic potential and wanted to use that potential to do something with your life.

To be honest, it shocked everyone that you two even began dating in the first place but you decided that you had enough brain cells for the both of you to make it work. Yet, sometimes and if not all the time, you’re at war with these depleting braincells whether telling Baji to stay away from your window at night was worth your own sanity.

The male just never listens.

You slept amongst the mountain of toys piled on your bed, your mind had departed to dreamland already and you were enjoying it. Though, your hearing was destroying dreamland because every so often, they’d detect the tiny sound of something hitting your window.

Try a pebble or small stone for size? Whatever it was, it wasn’t going to wake you up but the startling sound of shattering glass might.

Nearly rolling out of bed from how shocked you were, your eyes landed on your beautifully shattered window and a large rock sitting on your carpet. Yep. No damn way that rock flew on its own and only one person was dumb enough to use a rock as some sort of “communication”.

Scrambling to your feet, you marched over to the ‘window’ and peered outside to see a raven haired male sitting on the lawn, looking up at you expectantly.

‘Did he seriously break my window just to get my attention?!’ You thought, furious at the idea.

“Keisuke, you idiot!” You shouted, voice radiating with anger. “Couldn’t you have just climbed through my window like a stupid high school cliche?!”

Despite the damage he had caused and the seething girlfriend before him, he smirked, “If you ask me, I think it was a pretty good shot.”

“If you ask me, I think you should list off a dozen reasons I shouldn’t come down there and beat your ass!” You retorted.

Baji shrugged, “Or I could come up there?”

You chuckled, “Yeah? How you gonna do that Romeo?”

His eyes twinkled like that of a movie star, “Juliet! Juliet!” he chanted. “Let down your hair—!”

“Wrong storyline, dumbass!”

Ran Haitani

There was never a dull or quiet moment in the Haitani household. Never. There was always some party, gathering or sibling knife fight or bantering happening. It was like a social centre. One that never allowed any peace. You enjoyed both worlds of quiet and loud and as of late, you were desperately searching for the quiet side.

For the past few weeks, ‘The Eccentric Queen Of Roppongi’ has been doing a little too much partying. Call it a reward for actually graduating high school, unlike your delinquent boyfriend - Ran Haitani. Tonight, whilst your boyfriend was out in his supposed Kingdom, you were at home, watching a drama series you’ve been wanting to watch.

It had been recommended by one of your friends months ago but you never got around to watching it since Ran was always been a clingy child to your side. Or. Rindou had somehow always managed to get to the remote before you. You’ve learnt from the past to let Rindou have the remote, it wasn’t worth your life.

Sadly, you weren’t able to keep your eyes open long enough to make it into the second episode and soon enough, you were in your own drama series. ‘Life With The Haitani’s!’ - staring you! How unfortunate it was for the dream to end before even making it to the casting. It amused you to think who could be cocky enough to play your jackass of a boyfriend. Oh, sorry. Jackass with a capital ‘J’.

Your sleep had been interrupted by the blaring sound of your phone which you picked up to see it had no caller ID. You answered it anyways.

“Uhm, hey (Y/n)….” You heard a familiar voice on the other end which woke you up fully.

“Rindou?” You questioned. “Why are you calling me from someone else’s phone?”

You heard Rindou sigh, “They don’t allow you use your own phone at the police station….”

“What do you mean?” You asked, confused at what he was saying. “Of course they let you—oh!”

It had hit you in the face. Not allowed to call from your own phone. The police station. Forget the casting of your show, you’re already in the first episode - ‘Ep. 1 ; Reality’

“Rindou….” You sighed, irritation in your voice as you stood up and began to walk to the front door. “What the fuck did you guys do?!”

╰☆☆ ☆☆╮

You waited in the waiting room of the police station as you saw your boyfriend and his younger brother emerge from a door. You could see that Ran was slightly tipsy by the way he was swaying and Rindou? His face was covered in dry blood as were his clothes and you could already picture what had happened.

The two males stop in front of you, your arms are crossed and your expression is less than pleased. You swapped Life With The Haitani’s for a reality show. “Hey baby,” Ran smiled. “Here to pick us up from daycare?”

“Don’t ‘baby’ me, Haitani,” You hissed, eyes darting to the younger brother when you heard him laugh slightly. “Actually, Haitani’s!” You corrected yourself. “I stay home for one night and this happens? What did you guys do?!”

“Don’t group me in with this idiot!” Rindou raised his hands in defence.

Ran shrugs, “I didn’t like the way some fuckheads were lookin’ at ya.”

“Ran, I wasn’t even there!”

“Nope,” he admitted with a smug smile. “But your picture on his phone was close enough~!”

Rindou Haitani

A yawn was released from your lungs and mouth as you walked down the dimly lit street with your boyfriend, Rindou Haitani. Yes, you were cursed with dating a Haitani. Mainly a curse for your future relationships because being an ex of a Haitani practically makes you off limits. For life. Say goodbye to any chance of marriage unless it’s with Rindou.

You’d have to expect the same for the older Haitani, Ran. Who was currently out of sight with his own girlfriend. To say it simply, tonight was something closely related to “date night”. It was something that only happened during a blue moon, figuratively. One of the few nights a year where you’d be able to get either of the Haitani Brothers alone without the other attachment.

Ran and Rindou Haitani, a package deal. Get one and whether you like it or not, you get the other.

You savoured the night, down to the ending of it where you were both walking home. Rindou’s arm was wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer to his body and your head was resting on his shoulder, eyes fighting to stay awake.

“You look like your about to fall asleep, baby,” Rindou chuckles, a small smile starting to appear on his complexion.

“And you look like your about to smile,” You smile with your eyes closed, practically predicting the state Rindou’s face would be in.

“I have a reason to smile,” he scoffs. “No damn idiot of a brother in sight. Dunno how his girl can stand him!”

“I don’t know how I can stand you,” You yawn yet again. “Haitani blood is pretty wild, ya know?”

At this point, you were nearly falling into Rindou’s side and he was sure that if he were to move out the way, you’d face-plant into the road. The male sighed, “Babe, I’m just gonna carry you home, ‘Kay? I’d hate to see you fall into incoming traffic.”

“M’kay…” You mumbled. “Wake me up when we get home.”

With that says, Rindou manages to get your sleeping form onto his back to carry you back home, thankfully you both weren’t too far away.

╰☆☆ ☆☆╮

Rindou had walked through the door to his house and you had decided to not even bat an eye open, despite his pleas for you to wake up. You know, there is a point in every man’s life where they can no longer take it and they just say: fuck it.

Rindou did just that. You said you wanted to be woken up but you never gave a preference how. The male simply removed you from his grip which allowed you to slip off his back and smack yourself against the ground, instantly shocking you awake.

“Ow!” You cried. “Rindou! What the fuck was that for!?”

“You said to wake you up,” he replied. “Never said how.”

You stood up to your wobbly legs, “Fuck you!”

“I thought that was for later?” he asks smugly, watching you turn red.

“Lemme rephrase,” you cough. “Fuck off, Haitani!”