#it’s also why my art tends to fluctuate a lot bc I’m trying out a bunch of stuff to find a style I’m happy with

[wispscribbles]

I want to say your style is soft and whimsical? If that's the word. Its a nice variation to a lot of the others I've seen. Sorry if my words are not wording. I love your style is just so fluffy and sweet between Ghost and Soap.

daww thank you! That's so sweet!! Drawing big buff military men has been a challenge for me, it's very different from my usual stuff - but it's fun to love a piece of media so much that it forces you to leave your creative comfort zone. I used to only draw animals when I started out, so that's definitely shaped my style into what it is. But Ghost and Soap deserve a little softness, as a treat, so it’s ok that my style is sorta mismatched with the source material

[mego42]

good girls appreciation week 2021: day 2 // places and spaces: pwp in the paper porcupine

for places and spaces day, i’m going back in time to celebrate one of my fav show locations: the paper porcupine, specifically the back room.

if there is one thing above all else i am a truly desperate heaux for, it’s a good art room. what can i say? i spent my formative years haunting them and there’s something about a paint/ink/god knows what splattered work table that does it for me. add in a mechanical printing press? nirvana, truly.

so without further ado, allow me to rec some fics that use the space as god intended.

one thing that always stands out to me about this fic is how well it captures the snap, crackle and pop between beth and rio

it opens with them literally giving each other the silent treatment while still hanging out alone for hours on end in the paper porcupine while beth prints for weeks

yes that weeks includes the mutual stubborn silence

iajs that’s the kind of petty that really makes this ship shine

and then when they break, the nasty, bitter reckoning that spills out only serves as foreplay for a hookup that perfectly captures that half bitter antagonism, half desperation to reconnect dichotomy that characterized their s3 dynamic

in addition to a fantastic hook up, the back and forth banter and energy is really what makes this fic shine

1000000/10

fav quote:

“You’re a shit shot,” he says instead, so close now their chests are grazing with every intake of breath.

“I had a shit teacher. Kinda full of himself.”

Read on AO3

is it that i love pp back room hook ups or the post 213/rio’s return from the dead angsty tension? who can say, really

(both, both is good)

whatever it is, have another!!! this fic is specifically a take on the missing scene from the infamous 304 money-making promo i mean montage

what DID they do while they waited for the pulp to dry?????

the tone of this one leans a little more heavy than the previous rec as beth and rio grapple with the bitter weight of everything between them and how it’s made that much more complicated by how present the good parts of their history are as well, and how much they can’t/don’t want to escape either

idk guys, that juxtaposition is the specific flavor of angst i live for

i also love love love that in this one rio’s the one poking at the open wound of their relationship and i love that it’s the key to beth unlocking and airing some of her own grievances. communication! who knew!?

fav quote:

“I like watchin' you work.”

Me too. She wants to say. I like you watching me too. She wants to say. But her mouth is dry and her voice doesn't work so she‘s silent.

“I fuckin' hate that I like it.”

Read on AO3

how do i love this fic, let me count the ways (jk we’ll be here all day bc i love it a lot)

remember how i said my favorite flavor of angst is the kind that runs on a combo of bitter and poignant memory? well boy howdy does this fic nail that like whoa

while this fic is much more sprawling than just hooking up in the pp, that is both where it starts-ish AND a returned to feature including an A++++ negotiation for a new and better blender

points deducted for mention of the keyhole sweater (I KID!!!!!!!) (not about hating the keyhole sweater, it looks so itchy idk why, but about the points deduction)

basically, to cap it off, this is one of my fav rio pov fics, it does such an incredible job capturing this completely exasperated, vaguely pissed off about it, but also kind of desperately into it vibe that feels so exactly right for a later s3 era rio starting to realize how deep his feelings for beth may in fact go and losing his mind about it and i love it a lot

plus the anti-beth list of hook up criteria remains i think one of my favorite things in any brio fic ever, so

and this is all just ch 1, i’m still not ready to talk about ch 2 but just know i think about the bit in the shower a normal amount

fav quote:

No women between 5’7 and 5’10, ‘cause Elizabeth’s height fluctuates dependin’ on her shoes.

No women with doe eyes, doesn’t matter the color, ‘cause she’s all he sees when he looks into ‘em.

They can’t drink bourbon or tequila shots, and shit, it’s not even the things she likes, but the things she doesn’t, too—which means no women nursin’ a chard or a rosé, either.

If they’re got a flower printed or embroidered or embossed anywhere on their person, they’re out.

He’s left women in parkin’ lots for drivin’ vans, and said goodnight ‘cause they carry a large brown purse.

Read on AO3

like i was gonna leave the iconic brio try butt stuff fic off of the list

what i really love about this fic, aside from the fact that it’s hot af, is how well it captures the competitive aspect of beth and rio’s dynamic and how they’re always playing a game and trying to score points against each other

in this version it’s on the playful, almost, dare i say, affectionate end of the spectrum and the way it’s woven throughout gives the fic an extra spark that makes the story an absolute delight

this is also like, the peakest of peak beth, i.e. blurts out something she didn’t mean to and then not only will she gnaw her own arm off before admitting a mistake or defeat but she’s actually gonna flip this whole thing around and lean in as hard as she can and be the absolute best

i also love how rio immediately gets on her level and takes it just as seriously as she is but still finds ways to tease her, without like, teasing her (this makes sense shut up)

what i’m trying to say is the characterization is flawless throughout and captures all of the best things about them and their dynamic perfectly and i love it thank you and goodnight

fav quote:

It’s playful, more of a game than anything else. It’s just that he tends to be a bit more agreeable when she’s sucking him, just a bit more willing to be persuaded when he’s inside her. Usually, she’s asking for something small, like a new blender or a larger supply of singles, something she knows he won’t say no to. Beth has fun with it, daydreaming up some pretext or another while she’s printing. It’s easier this way, to pretend that what they’re doing is nothing more than a transaction.

To pretend it really is just business.

And if he lingers when they’re done—to kiss her and hold her and laugh with her—well, it means nothing if she doesn’t think about it.    

Read on AO3

[fireflydunes]

2020 Reflection: I basically come back to tumblr annually just to reflect.

Here’s something I wrote in 2017, I’ve answered this every year since. 

“Dear future me,

Are you happy?

Do you have someone you love?

Can you drive yet?

Are you one step closer to achieving your goals?

I bet you’re still fat :p work on that yeah?

Oh and please love yourself bc i certainly love the idea of you”. Its November 2019 now. Its been over a year since my last update. Am I happy? The answer is a bit complicated. If you were to ask how my mood was, I’d say everyday it fluctuates between “Okay” and “Content”. I may have placed too high of a bar on happiness there. What does that mean too high of a bar. Do I need to have no negative emotions in order for me to be truly happy. Thats certainly not true; I feel a collective swarm of emotions and all throughout they hit me like a whirlwind. Either a cold breeze or warm fuzziness, it’s constantly washing over me. What’s important is that I hold onto the good stuff, reflect on the bad stuff but let myself feel everything fully and then let them go. This is also much easier written than done; this is my first time reflecting in a long while, I’ve been going to counselling and it’s alright–sometimes I feel amazing sometimes I don’t. I forget that that’s okay. But yeah, I think collectively as a whole, I’m doing really well, I’m no where near unhappy–I was terribly miserable as I’d just started uni and found out too much of my identity was tied to Physics and I’m letting go of Physics because the course just isn’t for me. I still feel disoriented, like an empty slate–not really, I’ve got my values and traits very unique to me, yes, but I feel like something veryy important to me has been taken away. And I do want to evaluate why that is?

Why was physics so important. I’ll explore that in a separate document. But hey, am I happy? Yes, but not how I’d thought I’d be happy when I was younger. I might actually prefer this–being able to take in all the emotions that aggregate something that  feels…good. Do you have someone you love?

I nailed this last time and I continue to nail this aspect. Afu, Naani and my sister have continued to remain very strong foundations of constant love and support. I have lovely friends that I love dearly and miss, I met my boyfriend at possibly the best time–it was when I really didn’t need one nor was I looking. My life was so full and rich with love, the thrill of the next step, loads of travelling, love even from my mother and the extended family (an unexpected source). But I was so so full and I had an amazing relationship with myself as well. To then meet someone, that still, added to this was amazing. I was able to fully open myself upto a new type of love and be comfortable with my vulnerability and I love him so much for that. Can you drive yet?

I’m in Canada right now, so I can’t drive here yet ;-; This is terribly sad, I was already an awful driver and now it’d gonna be worse.   Are you one step closer to achieving your goals?

In a way, yes. In another way, no. I’ve gotten closer in the sense that the rug has been ripped out from underneath and everything I believe in, has changed. I am in a forest, vast and dense. I am pretty lost–but I am trying to figure it all out. In a way, I feel like this is me looking at what I truly want, without any underlying desire to gain my parent’s approval and prove my worth.

The next part is on Body issues.

Lately, my relationship with food and my body hasn’t been great. It was really amazing the majority of the year bc I exercised daily, I ran everyday, did a couple of marathons, but I did kind of grow endurance and also did some extreme stuff like running 7k after 2 hours or badminton. By then I was at my fittest condition but my relationship with my body, and eating, was still no where near healthy. I’m more aware of it now, and do continue to work on this. But at the same time, I’d like to mention, my relationship with food is not amazing, but my body remains loved and cared for–the extent of it is just something I wish to deepen. I’m gonna skip the next questions and go right to the very last one bc that’s what I want to talk about. I chose to study. I’m in university now, but 2019 was not at all about university. 2019 was about, isolation, finding a way to grow in that isolation. Being surrounded by the loveliest sweetest kids, learing how to live with mom, learning that I’ve so much work to do. I learned how to comfort my mother, I learned what it was like to fully feel good in my own body–which was amazing but always came with an awareness and knowing the danger of feeling so good in a body that looked really good. “Does this mean my fall will be even deeper?” I do want to reach a point in my life where my value and worth are no longer so dependent on image and shallow opinions of others or how I am to be of service to others. We’re gonna work on that. Question for 2020 zuha. Are you living off-campus now? How has that been? It’s End of November 2020 Are you happy?

I agree with me from a year ago, it’s very much not a bad thing and quite normal to be feeling a swarm. I feel varying degrees of happy, sad, upset, hungry throughout the days. I’ve just broken up with my ex after a year and a couple of months in, so I’m learning how to just be okay with this new norm of feeling heartbroken, sad, missing him, and almost each time going through the waves of grief. With COVID happening I think, since March, there’s been a lot of heartbreak, emotional strain, isolation like never before, loneliness...really feeling so alone. I’m really struggling now because that still, helped so much with making me feel not-alone. So I’m also struggling in general right now, haha. This one’s not as well-worded as the others, everything still feels fresh even though its only been a month since.        I’m struggling most with my urge and want to immediately be better, immediately be resilient and not really give myself a chance to be in pain, be heartbroken, just be devastated. I’ve said this a lot throughout this post but I think, I’m struggling with this one, haha. I’m trying to find joy in small things now, I think that’s what give you happiness, sustainable happiness. The daily tasks, small things, the interactions with people. Just trying to focus on one day at a time, and small things that might give me warm fuzzy feelings. 

Do you have someone you love?

Yes, I’ve also lost two relationshipsthis past year. I’ve lost my first real “I love you” person and I’ve lost what was an incredibly close and loving relationship with my sister.  But in this time, my friends have been my family, my utmost support, they banded together really to come lift me up. I feel very loved, and grateful to have them. I’m learning to find peace with how things are with my sister. I’m trying to actively reach out to my friends--I tend to self-isolate and feel like a burden in my relationships. Which is a bit unfair, because it’s alright to admit that some of our actions can be burdensome to others, but people help you regardless and in spite of the inconvenience because they love you. So I’m trying to have a habit of thanking them rather than apologising.  Also, yes, myself. A thought that brings me so much comfort is knowing every version of me that existed and will exist, loves and cares for me so much. Looking back at the past me’s I only feel love and kindness and I know a year from now, older me is giving me a hug and telling me everything going to be alright.

Can you drive yet?

I can, and I drive on Sundays or when I’m off to get an errand. It’s really rare though since I’m so cooped up and swamped with uni. UM, big change though, I’m a very calm driver now, I drive very slowly. The reckless driving really was not cute and endangered many lives at one point and I really learned from that. And I think as you grow used to your surroundings as well, and have a shift in I guess, maturity, things just naturally slow down.

Are you one step closer to achieving your goals?

Yes.  I’ve also really made peace with Physics: It’s the novelty of it and wanting something absolutely without a doubt amazing. A mix of, i want to do something grand and amazing so I am deserving of my parents’ love, as well as this is definitely unambiguously amazing and so I will undeniably be amazing, special, and seen as such by my pare--you get the point. So the thing now to watch out for, isn’t what profession I choose or careers I want togo for, it’s making sure I’m choosing it not to make up, yet again, for this lack of love and attention as a child. 

I had an amazing year exploring my subjects, I’m a complete humanities baby, I love anthropology out of all of them at the moment for the freedom and range within the discipline. It was also really lovely meeting professionals in the Creative Arts, also very wonderful being told that taking that leap of faith last year was brave. I’d realised that this was something perceived by many and also I’d internalised, as something cowardly, so it was extra meaningful to have so many people see courage instead.

I’m also still allowed to love physics, ofcourse, and astronomy and be amazed and awed but also--be sulky and sad and every now and then grieve the loss of that childhood to early twenties dream.

So far the most important thing I’ve learned is, you don’t just have one career, you have multiple, and neither of them are your identity. 

I bet you’re still fat :p work on that yeah?

I’m honestly surprised that in 2017 I was so harsh on myself but then remember it was later that year I started therapy for the first time ever. I’m also, not surprised that last year by this time already I’d noticed that my relationship with health in general is a bit strained. It’s not diagnosed or anything in case anyone’s reading, just a general notice of when I’m mentally doing not ok, I eat in a way that I don’t really feel good and this brings about a lot of shame. I also had tied way too much of my identity to running and being healthy.  This year, I haven’t done a lot of either, so naturally my weight has changed. I’m struggling with it right now, moreso because of how isolated I am, and the actual comments from the outside I’m getting on it. It helped to, instead of getting sad, to get angry at them. I’ve said things back, retaliated a bit, drawn the line at inappropriate (but not perceived as such in my community) comments. that’s been extremely good. However, it’s been a challenge ever since my dad made such a point of it. This might be something worthy to think on, the relevance of him. But, I think for now, I really am trying to remind myself at every weight I’ve always been weary and cautious of health, internally i’ve been the same person, same qualities, same amazing fun loving all that jazz, I’ve always been worthwhile. That being said, my knee ache is back, my PCOS is worse, my hairfall is terrible--I need to lmao build some muscle, be more active, but in a way that elevates my mood and I don’t tie so much of myself to it.

Question for 2020 zuha. Are you living off-campus now? How has that been? So this was meant for Off-campus in CANADA. I’m not there b, I’m back home, same as every transitionary moment in my life haha. It’s a mixed bag honestly. With COVID, male’ isn’t any better. No where seems any better honestly. Some days are tough, but I feel really touched by my friends, the checking up, the gaming together. It’s quite lovely. Univevrsity has also been quite =, nice but HARSH. Universities have really proven themselves as institutions for profit, it’s really disturbing and saddening, but individuals within have been so lovely and understanding and you really love these subjects and these people far more than anything in Physics kek. 2021 Zu, Nice to meet you. I’m really curious to see where you are a year from now. What would you want me right now to know. :)