#it's funny how much crueler i am with myself now than when i was younger

[panlyv]

wtv

[achoonihaachu]

God Must Hate Me; The Second Ending

a/n: it's been a while since i updated this series aaaaa i got quite wrapped up in the requests and i've still got so many lined up! i hope you end up liking this update though! i plan on revealing what happened to merihem when the brothers got a hold of him ;DD

warning: lots of cursing, fighting, implications of a*sault (fuck u merihem), lots of crying and yelling, not proof read!

pairings: pairings: Simeon x mc, Solomon x mc, Diavolo x mc, Barbatos x mc, Demon Brothers x mc (individually), Luke x mc (PLATONIC!), MC x Fem!OC

reminder: y'know what,, put yourself first. don't let yourself lose out on life just because you feel like you'd be safer if you continue loving wholeheartedly. self-love is the best kind of love <33 stay safe out there ilya! <33

-----

You hummed as you stared at them in disbelief, “Sorry?” They all stare at you, “No, you’re not sorry that you did this. You- You’re all sorry because it spun out of control too quickly.” You were quick to blink away the tears welling up in your eyes. You face the door once more.

You let out this sound between a tired laugh and a scoff, “You’ve always been this way, you know? I’ve had to pick up the broken pieces and I’m left with nothing but empty apologies and half-assed thank yous. You’ve hurt me.” You say, you attempt to sound brave. Perhaps it was for your heart to start mending itself.

Your hand held the cold doorknob tightly; How far could you go if you tried to make a run for it now?

You wouldn’t be able to go far, unfortunately. Barbatos alone could find you in five minutes.

You steel yourself and take a deep breath before you look back at the group, “I’ve been beaten down, taken for granted, been unloved and unwanted. If I were crueler than I am, I would’ve used the pacts to punish you.” At the mention of them, the pacts burned; seared your skin and theirs but the pain you felt was only a fraction of how you’ve been feeling for months.

They wince and avert their gazes- Not even Lucifer, Pride’s physical form, had the audacity to meet your eye at that moment.

You raised an eyebrow, “What? Now you’re all quiet? That’s honestly laughable. Where’s the begging? The crying? More empty promises and half-assed fucking apologies. I may be human but I’m not fucking stupid.” You seethed.

You were met with more silence.

Diavolo got up from his seat and slowly made his way to you. His hands were outstretched and he radiated an aura of sympathy and honest concern. You, too blinded by your rage, turned to blink at him once and when he was close enough-

You slap him across the face, so hard that he staggers back.

Barbatos is quick to rush to his Master’s side but the redhead waves him off, “No, I think I deserved that as much as any of the brothers.”

“You brought me here. You all made me feel special and you were the ones to break my heart. God, I’m so.. Stupid… Huh, that’s a little funny, yeah? God exists and yet he watched from above, on his golden throne, as I let myself get shit on over and over by a bunch of fucking demons.”

Your hands are in your hair as you tugged lightly; You must’ve looked crazy but in all honesty, you didn’t give a damn.

Lucifer shoots up from his seat, eyebrows knitted in concern, “(MC) please calm down-”

You genuinely chortle in shock, “Calm down? You want me to calm down?!” Your eyes well up with tears as salty as brine. “No, you don’t get to tell me when to calm down, Morningstar, lest you want me to remind you of the literal wrath baby you birthed when you fell from grace.”

A nasty dig but again, Lucifer bit his tongue; He had no right to get angry.

Your eyes held such an anger that had even Satan cowering in fear. Never has he seen such arrant rage from anyone, much less a mortal being.

“None of you deserve the time of day; I don’t have to listen to any of your excuses.” You mutter quietly. You glance around the room as fat tears roll down your cheeks.

Mammon glances at Satan; His younger brother had doubled over, his claws tearing through his favorite green sweatshirt. This was the effect your emotions had on them- on their Sins. They had only experienced small jolts of adrenaline when you indulged in their sins throughout the time you’d spent with them. His eyes meet yours and they plead with you- a muted apology as he begs with you.

Please forgive them- forgive him.

You look away, “I want to go home. Now.” The brothers eye each other nervously, wasn’t this your home- Oh. You must mean Purgatory Hall. It seems you haven’t forgiven them at all. Lucifer breathes out a sigh of disappointment, “Right, Well- Solomon, Simeon. You can go get Luke from (MC)’s old room and you can all head home-”

“No, Purgatory Hall isn’t my home either.”

Their heads snap to your direction; It’s not Purgatory Hall? Where did you want to go- No. Your hands were balled up into fists as you kept your head hung low, “I want to go back to the Human World. I- I want to forget this realm-” You were cut off by a force slamming into your body at full force as it wrapped you up in its warmth.

Mammon wrapped you up in his warm embrace.

You attempted to shove him off as he weeped into your hair; Your arms flailed as you moved to escape his hold, “Let go of me, Mammon.” You were dangerous; Your voice held a sense of… Well, it’s hard to explain. To help paint a picture of it, not even the strongest of the demons would try to instigate a fight with you.

“No! You’re not allowed to leave us- to leave me! We- You promised…” The second-born cried but his arms twitched and dropped to his side immediately. He was bound by the contract you shared. The promise he made to listen to your every order, your every whim- He could never disobey you. He cried out in pain as his skin burned. Your hatred burned so harshly. You shook him off of you like a dog would shake its fur to rid of water. He stumbled back and covered his mouth to silence the cries escaping his lips.

Funny how he still managed to hurt you.

Yuki’s movement was small and fearful, each step she took weighed heavily on her consciousness- She’s the reason for all of this. “(MC). Please don’t go… Please don’t punish them any further- I… I can leave. I’ll leave and I’ll never come back to bother any of you.”

Your eyes were like sharp broken glass; reflecting in the light from the salty tears that threatened to fall but they held such a strong sense of power that if looks could kill, everyone in the room would be dead three times over.

At that moment you didn’t hear Yuki, your best friend- The girl who’d give anything to make you happy. No, you were in the middle of the ocean, drowning from the massive sea of betrayal that kept pushing you underneath the surface- You weren’t given a moment to breathe and though she meant no harm… She was your enemy.

“Oh no, no, no! Please save all that pity for yourselves. I don’t need last minute kindness. You lied to me. All of you lied to me; Even the ever kind and honest Simeon lied to me.”

“(MC), do you really want to leave? Do you wish to go back to the human realm?” Barbatos’ voice cut through the tension; It was getting a little hard to breathe. You stared him down, he never once faltered. You nod once, “With all due respect, and I mean that very sarcastically,”

“Let me go the fuck back home.”

Barbatos glances at his master, who has no other choice but to comply, “Alright then. Solomon, Simeon… We’re going to need your help with the process.”

As the Prince, his butler, and the two exchange students from Purgatory Hall worked to create… something to help aid in erasing your memories, you were left in agonizing silence with the brothers and Yuki.

You sat on a sofa away from them, your knees were brought up to your chest and your arms were wrapped tightly around yourself; Were you really going to spend your last few moments here angry?

“Perhaps… In another life, we would have a chance to make things right between us all. I loved you all so much, more than I loved myself at times but… I need to put myself first. I can’t keep risking my health, my life, to keep you happy.” You said; They listened intently, they hung onto every word you said.

It’d be the last few things you’d tell them before you left.

“All I asked was for you to love me and appreciate me for who I am and for all that I’ve done for you. If… If you had just been honest with me, if you had just stopped being selfish for just one moment… What happened with Merihem today would have never happened and I… I would’ve probably forgiven you.”

“You never gave me a reason to trust you after you replaced me so… Maybe in my next life or the life that follows that, we’ll meet again and…”

“Maybe then you’d treat me right.”

Quiet whines and snivels filled the air; The group was lachrymose. Before any of them could move or say anything, Simeon walked back into the room with a poignant smile, “It’s time.”

You got up from the couch and looked around the common room; you’d spent the best years of your life with these people and in a few moments, you wouldn’t even know who they were. You fished your D.D.D out of your pocket and removed the password, “I’ve had something written for all of you… This was a while back and all I ask is that you only read it once I go back home.” you leave the phone on the couch and keep your eyes trained on Simeon.

Never once did you look back at them.

You see Luke’s little head peek from the stairs and for a moment, you felt weak; Were you really sure about leaving them behind? Luke runs down the steps with ocean eyes, he wraps his arms around you one final time.

“Simeon told me… D-Don’t worry about me, (MC)! I’ll make sure to protect your dreams! When I’m older, I’ll visit you and I’ll make you remember me, okay?!” He cried; Luke’s young but his heart has never ever felt this sensation before. He felt like crying over a loss that has never happened.

He wasn’t losing you to death or to time. He didn’t even get the chance to convince you to stay; He just… had to live with it. He was caught in the crossfire.

You bit your cheek so hard that you started to taste the familiar metallic flavor of your blood, “I’ll see you around, okay? Behave yourself and… and never stop practicing your baking skills.” you whispered quietly to the young angel. His grip tightens on your clothing and Simeon had to physically pull him away.

You walk through corridors and hallways filled with bittersweet memories and lessons you learnt. You grew up a lot in the time you knew them and a part of you… wanted to continue growing with them; A part of you wanted to grow old here in the Devildom but how could you when you were being treated this way?

It may seem dramatic to others; Hell, you felt as though the brothers themselves were judging you for your actions.

They haven’t lived through the nightmare you woke up to every single day.

In a small room near the back of the castle was one of Barbatos’ special rooms- a room he uses to travel through time in. It was cramp and dark, save for the tiny candelabra in the corner of the room that illuminated the faces of those with you. Solomon, Diavolo, Barbatos.

You eyed Diavolo’s red cheek, “I- I’m sorry about that by the way. I… I wanna tie all the loose ends before I leave this place, y’know?” Your voice was softer than before; perhaps it was Luke’s effect on you. In all honesty, it was probably because you just didn’t want Luke to hear any sort of fighting.

Diavolo smiled apologetically at you,” It’s alright, (MC). We… I will miss you dearly.” He states as he motions for Barbatos to hand you something. In the hands of the demon butler was a clear elixir bottle and the liquid in it glowed a beautiful purple color. It looked like the most pure of amethyst crystals and small shiny particles that were reminiscent of falling snowflakes.

“You must drink as you step through the door. I made it so that you won’t have to deal with side effects; You’ll just forget us and…” Solomon paused and cleared his throat. He turned his back on you and he stared at the middle candle in the candelabra.

“We’ll see you around, (MC).”

A moment passed and you stared at the bottle; God, you were mesmerized. Should you even drink it? Did you want to go?

You… You may not want to but… You needed to.

You step close to an opened door that leads to white. It wasn’t bright and blinding. It was blank and Barbatos stood by the door, hand wrapped around the doorknob, “You can still turn back, (MC).”

You sigh and shake your head, a somber expression resting on your face, “Thank you for everything, Barbatos.”

You uncork the bottle, a small satisfying pop! echoes like your heartbeat in your eardrums. You place a foot through the door. It felt soft, like a plush cloud. Taking a swig of the sweet liquid, you swallow it all in one gulp. Your feet move on their own, taking your body through the doorway. You never turn back.

The door shuts softly behind you.

It was a feeling between life and death; Perhaps this was the fabled purgatory you’d hear of. No, Barbatos wouldn’t kill you. You close your eyes and let yourself be engulfed by the warmness of wherever you were. Your heart felt lighter almost immediately, your mind started to cloud and your body felt light.

Barbatos- Wait.. Who-?

It was so bright.

You crack open one eye and stare straight at your ceiling. What happened last night? All you could come up with is that you had a bit too much to drink and now… Great! You were going to be late for that job interview! You groan to yourself as you shuffled around your apartment.

Where were those painkillers…

You rush down your apartment building, bumping into your landlord on your way out; He was a sweet redhead, a bit of a himbo but he was nice, “Sorry about that, Dee! I’m late for an interview! I’ll buy ya drinks if I get the job!” You called out as you ran out the building.

A new clothing boutique opened up just a couple of minutes away from where you lived. They seemed quite specific about the people that were going to apply to work and you just seemed to fit the bill.

The last two years of your life have been such a blur; College life, traveling and well, moving into the neighborhood you were in had taken a toll on you and it felt like.. Well, it felt like none of it ever happened.

Your diploma was hanging by your bed, polaroids of you with your college friends were hung on fairy lights, and a handful of plane tickets were stuck to your journal… You’ve made so many amazing memories.

You walked into the clothing boutique, it was called Jophiel, and the first person to greet you was this bubbly champagne-haired guy. First thing you noticed about him was… Damn, he had such nice skin. He seemed sweet enough. He never told you his name but he was quite chatty about the type of customers and how you’d fit in just perfectly in the store… He leads you to his manager’s office and quite frankly… the manager scared you just a tad bit.

He wasn’t a burly man or anything, he was tall and had neatly styled hair but… Something about his aura…

It screamed power and influence.

“Hi! My name’s (MC). I got an email back from my application. I’m here for my interview.” You say warmly. The ravenette eyed you, his lips parted like he had something to say but before you could question it, he grinned at you, tight-lipped, as he motioned for you to take a seat.

“Welcome to Jophiel, (MC). My name’s–”

Back in the Devildom five brothers, an angel, and a sorcerer were huddled by the fireplace. One held a phone in their hands whilst the others listened like he spoke God’s words.

The last note you had left on your D.D.D. You’d been gone for about 3 months. They didn’t have the courage to see what you last left them. This was it. This was all they were going to have left of you.

Yuki…She had gone home a week ago. Her departure was bittersweet. They had managed to grow quite close when you decided to leave but she would never be you and the brothers were painfully aware that the comparisons and the what-ifs left quite the strain on their relationships with the human girl.

She never fussed about it though. She understood.

Now, the House of Lamentation was empty again; Well, not empty per se but the people that once made the house feel alive again were gone. All that was left was the ghost of you and the memories you had made.

The memories you once shared.

With shaky hands, Mammon, as the second oldest, was tasked to let the group read your last note. He switched your D.D.D on and he feels his eyes prick with tears at your wallpaper. It was you, with him and his brothers… You all looked so happy.

He scrolls through old versions of the apps you used to go on every single day. No one has touched your accounts in the last three months, no one tried to mess with what you decided to leave behind.

He finds the last note entitled, “I’m really sorry”. You had written it down a few weeks before the whole ordeal with Merihem.

“Hi! If you’re reading this, then I must’ve done something rather stupid (or rather smart on my end). Before anything, I want to apologize for whatever must’ve happened between us. I’m happier here in Purgatory Hall than I’ve been in the last few months that I had to deal with when I lived with all of you and Yuki. Never once did it cross my mind that perhaps it’d be good if I start hating any of you. My heart is so full of love that is only really split amongst you brothers and of course my other friends here in the Devildom. I never really looked forward to going back home to the human realm after I was done with my first year here and to think… I was given another chance to be with the people I cared about the most.

I didn’t expect you all to replace me though.

But it’s alright! I… I understand why you must’ve been drawn to Yuki. She’s such an amazing person and I hope that one day soon-

We’ll be able to mend our relationship because I miss you dearly.

- all the love, (MC).”

The House of Lamentation was dismal after the note; How dare they hurt you after all that but they won’t give up on you just yet.

Lucifer, Diavolo, and Asmodeus had the first shift.

They’ll get their second chance.

“Welcome to Jophiel, (MC). My name’s Lucifer. The guy up front’s Asmo. Of all the applicants here, your record’s the best. You excelled in the last two years of college; you managed to do quite a lot in the last two years, huh?”

“Lucifer?... That’s a lovely name. I’m flattered, honestly! The last two years have been an absolute blur but it’s been a blast!”

A blur, huh? That was all they were to you now.

Lucifer kept his smile bright and cheery; If any of his brothers saw him cheesing this hard, they would’ve mocked him to the ends of the Earth. Seeing you after months of no contact… It was just great to see that you were doing well. It was enough.

“I-I’m really sorry, Lucifer. You just… remind me of someone but I just can’t put a finger on it.”

“Is that so? Well, I hope that this interview goes well. I could probably help you jog your memory into remembering him.” He teases.

You laugh quietly, “I believe that the people you don’t end up remembering were forgotten for a reason… I hope you aren’t anything like whoever I’m thinking of! You seem… nice.”

The Avatar of Pride’s smile falters but it’s quick to return to his face, albeit it came out as forced now, “Well, no need to dwell on people in the past. We’re always heading to the future now, aren’t we? Let’s get this interview started.”

You go back home, you forget the brothers but-

how do you let go when someone continues to hold on?

~~~

taglist for those who asked to be tagged:

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crossed out names are of those who asked to be tagged but for some reason, i just couldn’t tag you! :<< i’m not sure if it’s because some of you are private accounts, im not even sure how tumblr works sometimes but i’m sorry! i’ll keep trying to tag you in the future! <33

[makefrancehappen-blog]

The most romantic non-date

June 25 2019, retrospective

There’s a lot of things I want to remember about my day with Sèbastien. He was older than I expected, it turned out he was 46. And he was in incredible shape, much better than me, the kind of toned body from a person who actually uses their body every day, not at the gym but just through living life. He was so, so tan. Everybody was in the south. By the time I left, I was almost one of them. The hat was funny, it was one of those flat brimmed DC caps that gave him such a youthful touch and would be cliché or look dirt baggy on a younger guy. I remember thinking that his face seemed super French with his bone structure and mouth especially, but now I can’t even paint a mental picture of him. I remember a little greyness but I can’t remember if it was in his hair or whether I might have noticed it in a beard, or whether he even had one. I regret not looking at his hands. 

As he puttered around on the boat, getting us where we needed to go, he would sing and hum softly to himself. It absolutely caught me by surprise, almost every time. I still forget that he did that and then I remember all over again and think it’s a wonderful trait for a person to have. The one thing he did that I didn’t like was pull a starfish out of the water to show me... “she” was beautiful but I felt so uncomfortable knowing she was wrenched from her perch, and I just wanted him to put her back. In that moment though, there was a youthful and boyish fascination. He wanted me to see her little suction cups, and explain that her short legs were probably the result of an attack by birds. I like the enthusiasm, even though I already know or guessed most of these things.

Our first stop was the beach of Port Cros, where there’s a small dock to tie up. As he secured the boat he would murmur in French, English, or a combination. Several times I heard the word, “Alors,” not knowing what it meant. I asked, but he was confused, he didn’t know what word I was asking about. Then again he said it. “Aha!” I pointed at his face (bad manners). “There it is again!” “Which?” “The last one. Alore?” “Ahhh, Alors.” “Yeah that, what’s it mean?” Bafflement in attempting to explain. “Is it like how we use “okay” in English? It kind of fills lots of gaps?” Yes, kind of. 

From there we snorkeled and eventually went ashore because the waters were still pretty cold except for in the shallows. On shore we went without shoes, and he checked with me twice to make sure that I was sure I was comfortable (I was). I said I prefer living life barefoot, which is obviously not possible in the city. He said he kicks off his shoes in March and doesn’t put them back on until September, but that a few weeks ago he’d been touring with a German couple who insisted they didn’t need shoes, only to have to cut the hike short because of their sensitive feet. He took me to the top of a lookout point by an abandoned building that I think had a green door. Made a joke about it being a nice little house if you could fix it up. On the way back down I stopped on the trail to take a deep breath and he turned around, mistaking my inhale for a gasp. I was just taking in the piney, jasmine, mineral and dusty scent of the island that smelled so much like summer. On the walk back to the dock we stopped to people watch a minute at the beach, and for some reason on the dock I wound up explaining that next year I would be returning to go to Bordeaux for my sister’s wedding (”No, she’s not French, it’s just that you have a destination wedding when you want to be polite and invite people but you don’t want them to accept or actually come.” “That seems like a good solution.”) Had a small snack on the boat. I don’t remember in what order or when we got to talking, but the similarities were so striking - at least to me:

- On Mexican cenotes, both having been. His experience was to stop and listen. “What did you hear?” “My heart.” There was a thoughtfulness and a pause, there seemed to be more that couldn’t be expressed in English.

- On liveaboarding, both having done. He crossed the Atlantic in 11 days, 5 days of prep, on a catamaran with 3 or 4 friends, going from Africa to Brazil. God if that isn’t just the sexiest thing ever. I wonder if that was before the kids.

- On camping. Every year at the peak of tourist season in August he “disappears into the mountains” for a week. He mentions the calanques to me, and asserts that I know them, which I think is funny or flattering maybe that he assumes I know.

- On environmentalism. He tries to avoid plastic and brings his reusable bags to the weekly market, stepping into a grocery store only once or twice a month. Trying to teach environmentalism to his 3 kids. 

- On adventure. “Would you ever live on a boat and sail around the Mediterranean?” Absolutely. But there’s the kids to consider (2 teens, 1 around 9) and the several small businesses. (He seems to be a “guy I know” kind of guy). But someday. 

Maybe that’s when he asked my age, which surprised me mildly. I think that was when he mentioned I was young enough still to have those adventures. I regret noting out loud how he had his first kid when he was my age, because it put a space between us that I don’t think needed to be there.

There’s a word he used, a great one. I can’t remember what it was but it floored me that a non-native speaker knew it. I told him this, that I know many English speakers who don’t even know that word. He either didn't understand or didn’t have a response. I wish I could remember the word.

It’s funny to me that he thinks Italy’s food is better than France’s, on account of it being simple ingredients of the highest quality. That’s what I thought France did so well. His expression towards the ocean seems wistful, longing for the larger and wilder waves. 

I tell him about Arizona when he mentions the vast wildernesses of America being so alluring. I could live there if it weren’t so far from the sea, and he seems to nod agreement. 

I have a rant about rich people, their yachts, and the weird and annoying things they do with their money. I think he’s probably just humoring me or being polite and I mention that my friends tell me I talk about depressing things, which makes him laugh. I grimace and apologize. 

At a little cove where we stop again to snorkel, I wander ashore to look at the schist folds more closely and then I notice plastic, and the more I look the more of it I see. I already found a plastic bag and tucked it into my bikini side, to dispose of after swimming. I start collecting bits of plastic, rubber wine corks, and mostly styrofoam. When I turn around, Sèbastien had paddle boarded over and produced a half torn garbage bag from the ground and was filling it, so we worked silently, picking up pieces until the bag was full. I noticed moments before he said aloud that the more pieces we picked the smaller the remaining ones got. I made a comment about micro plastics. It was depressing, realizing in a moment of pause that there was still so much rubbish around. That’s when he unwittingly gifted me the mantra I didn’t know I needed: 

“Alors. It’s not everything, but it’s important.” It washes over me like cold water, jarring and refreshing all at once. I never believed in love at first sight until this day. 

There’s a seagull back by the boat that’s cautiously optimistic about our picnic lunch. Sèbastien tries to lure it with various treats (it doesn’t care for watermelon). Is it true that we both think these common birds are beautiful, or is he just being agreeable so I have a good tour experience? 

After about 5 hours in the sun I’m getting drowsy and the boat motion is lulling me to sleep as I nod off while he’s driving, and he offers me a towel for my head. I get the impression that this is someone used to caring for other people, and realize that’s what I need.

I need to be able to relax, but to relax I need to trust that somebody else has their hands on the wheel. And I could cry with relief at this realization and with frustration that the person who gave it to me is probably completely unattainable. 

Coming into the final harbor we talk about the Levant and he admits he never spends any time there but he isn’t sure why, other than that the kids are emphatic about not wanting to go. I laugh because of course that makes perfect sense. 

I want to see him again. The kids are going to NYC next week with their mother, but he’s never been. I say I have an AirBnB and he’s welcome to stay if he ever decides to go, and that I hope he does. It’s 5pm and it feels abrupt when he says he should leave. I’m left wondering if I came on too strong or made him uncomfortable with the overture of invitation. Then I wonder too if maybe I didn’t come on strongly enough. 

It’s a cruel coincidence that the house I stay at in Hyères is steps away from the one he rents out to vacationers. It’s even crueler that the day after our day I see the same yellow boat on the dock and have to convince myself it’s not his. I could have talked to him for many, many more hours than we had. I so want to see him again and have no idea if this is me being limerent again or whether there was some mutual connection. 

When’s the last time I had so much in common with a person? It feels like never. But maybe I am living in the wrong places, maybe for him it’s common and the people around here are often outdoorsy, adventurous environmentalists. This might be the (possibly misleading) lynchpin that convinces me to make the move.

3 days later I ask if he has a website for the environmentalist friend who runs the NGO and a week after that there’s still no response. I don’t have any recourse except to chalk it up to one-sided attraction, which makes me deeply sad and I’m not ready to let it go yet.