#but now? im just angry. im tired. im fed up of myself

[panlyv]

wtv

[damndude69]

I am so sad and so tired

[magnoliamyrrh]

. ive got such a long list of reasons to be bitter and fed up and angry. i have so much pain within me. sometimes i feel like pain, deep, deep, sorrowful pain, mourning, grief, anger, a desperate need to stop feeling suffocated is what i know best. and u know as much as i think all thats justified and as much as i think my anger is important for my sanity , and as much as tbh i like by this point to an extent that my over it little tolerance for bullshit angry kinda agressive vibe is a part of my personality - that my bitterness is earned and aged like fine win. but idk, i have tired to rein it in these last months progressively bc it was consuming me and my nervous system literally couldnt handle it

but. something i still havent figured out how to deal w is my very, very, very bad case of survivors guilt. maybe its gotten a bit better but that makes me feel guilty too. it always does. i try not to let it haunt me but It Always done it haunts me that its somehow not supposed to consume and haunt me

. after everything my own pain and trauma is not what fucks me up the most. its always that its not over for so many others. for so many others its not over, its never over, theyre going through it rn, many worse than anything i ever went through. many that wont make it out alive

.

my best friend says its not my responsibility especially with my crippled health and the little of my fragile sanity to try to do something about it. that spending years trying to do something about sex trafficking or whatever else would break me, eat me up inside, that people who aint traumatized end up killing themselves or alchoholics, shells from what they've seen, so what would it do to me? he says. ive earned my rest, ive earned looking away, ive earned my peace

...

but what does that matter? what it would do to me? he says he doesnt understand why i spend so much time writing and speaking on this shit. at first it was to understand myself. now it is the horror that it is so much more horrible and bad and keeps going, its not me. its others. i always have felt more impacted by seeing others in pain than myself. i never can stand seeing my pain on someone else.

he says he doesnt understand why i look. he says he doesnt understand why i think. he says he doesnt understand why i study. doesnt understand why i want to do something about it when its so horrible

........

but ive been.... lucky. not so but lucky. lucky enouth to live. to get out. to get my "freedom."

but what does "my" individual freedom mean? when others dont have it? what does it matter?....... what does it matter?

it feels like my trauma isnt over through them. its not. im just one person, but for so many its not over. it wont be over. they may never see over until their graves.... time is a flat circle and all

...

and i think, how many? how many? and i think too.... in the history of the balkans, of my people, my women and little girls... how many? for how long?

how many today? everywhere?

how am i supposed to rest easy. how am i supposed to live my life ignoring it

why shouldn't i burn myself out. i already am. why shouldnt i take on the trauma of getting back into it for the sake of others

.

what does my freedom mean without theirs?

.

their screams echo through my head. they were my own once. i have stopped screaming

they have not

[awsugar]

as a fellow 28 year old still living with her mom, i feel the struggle, my mom goes into my room whenever i leave and moves things around (idk) i'm so sorry you gotta deal w/your dad doing shit like that you, it's fucked up and not okay and i hope you can move into a better situation soon <3

im so sorry. he doesnt do it all the time but he does go in my room sometimes and specifically what happened this time was last week on thursday i had a bug infestation in my room and i had to take everything out. great opportunity to clean my wreck of a bedroom. i got rid of a ton of stuff and organized some things that had needed to be organized for ages. i had a ton of clothes on my floor though and they all need to go through the wash because there were ants and i dont think they were in my clothes like all over or anything because the clothes is not what they were attracted to but like im not putting any of that shit back into my room until i KNOW there are no bugs. so i did a few loads of wash but then i wasnt home at all all weekend, i was at work the rest of the days, and now i have two days off in a row. but basically i wasnt home in order to finish putting everything away that came out of my room. an ongoing problem i have at my dads house is that my bedroom is fucking SMALL and all of my stuff doesnt fit in it even though i want it to. so sometimes there are laundry baskets or other things that are out in the hallway/dining room (we live in a one floor condo). i do have a habit of not taking care of my stuff and letting things sit for a really long time. however, last week on thursday the things that my dad was like really fed up with i took care of. i had a package from my mom and a box of stuff from my bathroom that had been sitting in the dining room for months and i finally took care of it. so the stuff he was tired of looking at wasnt there anymore. i just had a few storage bins that came out of my room on thursday that were in the hallway and i planned on taking care of all that stuff today/tomorrow on my days off. but i came home yesterday and my dad told me that he had gone through both of my storage containers, decided what i needed and what i didnt need, threw away one of the containers, put a bunch of my stuff in a different storage bin that he wants to take to the basement, and then started like interrogating me on whether i needed a few books and a snow globe from my childhood that he had found. and i immediately got sooooo fucking angry!!!!!! because its not his place to go through my shit! and i told him as such i and told him how mad i was and that that wasnt his job and i didnt want him going through my things and we also had this argument again today and he is so fucking stubborn that its not clicking for some reason that im fgoing to be 29 in may (and i am desperate to move out and will be one way or another this year) and i dont deserve to have my dad violate my privacy and belongings by going through them and deciding what HE thinks that i need. and for me yes it is way worse that it is my dad doing this than it would be if it were my mom even though i would still dislike it. and he just says that based on the past that he knew i wasnt going to take care of those things and they woudl just sit there. but the fact is that it was my plan to finish taking care of it all on these two days off and he didnt even give me a WARNING. he didnt say like 'you have two days to take care of this stuff or i am going to do it myself' he just told me that he went through my shit when i got home from work because he assumed that i wouldnt. and no matter how many times i try to tell him how fucked up that is especially because i am a grown adult. he wont listen. and we just start yelling again. and its driving me fucking insane like. this has been the final straw with me living with him even though its been ruining my life since i had to move in here in 2020. sorry for the wall of text but i had to get it off my chest like ugh. i hate this. i wish i could move sooner. and im so so sorry you have to deal with similar shit. and thank you if anyone actually read all this lmfao

[limeade-l3sbian]

This is such a weird message for you to get but I wanted to get these feelings out somehwere and you are very comforting.

I feel like i’m forever done with social media. I’ve spent so much time on social media since becoming a teenager. I’ve neglected my actual social life completely for years. And it’s not been good for my social development, as an already awkward person back then i’ve only become increasingly more so. But I kept going back to social media. It would make me anxious to be here but also without it. It would make me angry. Having to interact with people and seeing peoples extreme emotionality. It ruined my mood very often. People were always extremely toxic over the smallest disagreements and would throw extremely severe buzzwords at everyone. Like radical feminists being called genocidal or fascist. Even though I knew I was none of those or some of the other stuff others have called me, it felt incredibly burdensome and tiring to have such serious terms thrown as me and others similar over very small disagreements. Then there’s the threat of doxxing online. It got me so scared from years ago when a friend of mine was doxxed over an anime disagreement. Yes you heard that right. She thought a character in a show was overrated and someone took it upon themselves to doxx her and out her sexuality to her family. Luckily they were accepting though surprised. But the mere fact that stuff like that was becoming more and more common place in the online space to do was frightening. Especially nowadays when i’ve been part of communities regarding much more heavy subjects. The odds are higher and I’m too old. I’m only in my twenties but I feel simply too old for all the drama online. It’s exhausting. Seeing people try to argue over the most insignificant stuff you might say in an afterthought on twitter or on here or wherever. People will find a way to start arguments. Always. And im simply not in that mindset to engage anymore. I can’t. While I’m still exhausted I’ve stopped being anxious in the way where i shake. I’m apathetic largely in my reaction towards others online now. I cannot connect to others anymore. I like some more than others but I don’t trust anyone even the slightest bit anymore. My anxiety is mostly focused around the lack of trust now towards the people, not the actual spaces.

You might say it’s odd for me to say all this, online. It is I guess. I’m not leaving the internet per se. I’m just not addicted anymore, i think? I’m not reliant. And i’m completely fed up with social media. I do not wanna make friends or connections. I do not wanna argue my POV with others anymore. I don’t wanna try. Sometimes it’s nice to just exist without having to justify said existence and I think the online space have become nothing except that, people trying to justify their opinion and feelings and push them onto others. I’m doing it in a way now. You will be my last online interaction. I’m sorry. But you are my favorite account on here and you remind someone from my past. In a positive way.

My mother always say that people online are not a real representation of humans. But I always think to myself that I disagree. I think online, people are their truest selves, without the fear of repercussions in most cases. But peoples true selves make me irritable and anxious. So goodbye social networks.

merry belated christmas btw

This was very insightful and actually gave me quite a bit to think about on my end as well, anon! You've perfectly worded what it means to be chronically online. Not in the way meant to offend, but in the literal sense.

I appreciate the kind words 🥹 and I wish you the best of luck! This sounds like a really good decision and the amount of self reflection you have is gonna do you a lot of good now and later. Best of luck! 💜💜💜

[torc87]

Fuck Mornings

Grrr. I HATE that our society is so morning/daytime based. That whenever I say I CAN'T do mornings im either not believed or not given another option.

I just missed an appt I tried REALLY REALLY hard to make bc they only do them 7-9 am. And about the only way I can do that early? And not be 20-30 min late? Is if I stay up the entire night and go in without sleeping.

I bloody well tried too. Got things ready to go before bed. Forced myself to go to sleep at 12, even though I don't get tired till 2 am at the earliest. Set alarms for 7 am. Alarms rang every 5 min for 45 minutes before I could force myself to wake up. Tried to hurry through getting ready but it takes TIME for my brain to wake up. Figured I could have a bar for breakfast to cut the time. Uber takes longer than train was an unpleasant surprise but 35 min commute is pretty short.

And I am still 20 min late at the earliest.

And I am SO FRUSTRATED.

Bc I KNEW I couldn't do it. I tried for YEARS to do mornings. Finally got fed up w being constantly late and having to fight myself EVERY SINGLE MORNING and just switched to working overnights or afternoons at the earliest. Amazingly, I stopped being constantly late to work, miracle, right?

And I SAID mornings are hard for me to manage. That I would have problems w 7-9.

But that's the only option so I tried. So so hard. Bc it's an important appt and that was the only time available and sure, I know I can't do it but maybe if I try really really Really hard this time, maybe just one time it could work?

And now not only am I upset at missing the appt, but I feel like a failure for not being able to do something most of the world manages w ease, and on top of that I just feel so angry at both myself and everyone else bc I ALREADY KNEW I WOULDN'T be able to make it. I Tried saying the time wouldn't work for me. I tried explaining that mornings are really hard. I knew this would be a problem. I bloody knew it.

And the world sucks bc it doesn't matter. I had no choice but to try to do something I already knew I could not do bc I had Already spent years trying. Years trying therapy, trying meds, trying to move my sleep cycle to earlier, trying brute force method, trying trying trying and trying to explain to teachers, bosses, everyone that no, I can't be on time in the morning, I can't bloody well DO mornings, no their easy solution or just wake up earlier does not bloody work!

It's never fucking mattered how much I want to get there on time. If I really try very hard I can get there, sure. 15 to 30 min late.

And no, that kind of exertion is not possible on an every day basis either. Or even a regular one. I can give 110% once in a while. I can't do so every day, no one can. I can't sustain that level of effort regularly.

And I thought that once I moved to overnights I was done fighting myself so hard. That I found a solution, a way to work With myself, a way that I could finally feel like the effort to get somewhere was proportional w the results, a way I could stop being a constantly late failure. That I wouldn't have to do mornings anymore.

But the stupid world likes mornings.

It's not fair. I tried so hard this time.

So now I'm in tears bc I BLOODY WELL TRIED TO SAY I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO IT!

[orcelito]

you know im better than the impulses but i sure do have some fucking impulses 

[harrysdimples]

.

[yayeetsonny]

Always Tell The Truth Part 2 ~ USWNT x Reader

Okay so if you haven’t read the first part of this, which I will put here. Always tell the truth part 1 I suggest you do that, otherwise this one will make no sense. Also sorry... again for being gone so long. I hope you guys didn’t miss me too much. :)

-N

Previously...

“Those bruises, Y/N, where’d you get them?” 

“I. Don’t. Know.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Fine then, don’t believe me. First Alex, then Christen and now you. This is just great, my teammates think I’m a liar. Well I’m not and I’m telling you the truth.”

I brushed by her and stormed out of the room, now determined to avoid my teammates so they’d stop asking questions and questioning my honesty.

“I’m not a liar. I don’t know where I got the bruises, I don’t know why they won’t believe me.”

Present

After I stormed out of the room I share with Ali I ran... yes literally ran out of the hotel and out into the street. Well okay it was more like the sidewalk but whatever, I’m going for dramatic story telling here. I was angry, hurt and confused as to why my teammates couldn’t just believe me. I’ve never lied to them before, not ever. If something was going on I would have told them. And I genuinely have no clue where these bruises came from, I don’t remember hurting myself badly in practices or games and I don’t do any other crazy activities that would warrant the sudden appearance of severe looking injuries. I knew I just needed to clear my head so I started walking in a random direction hoping to get my thoughts together.

After a while I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and knew it was probably one of my teammates looking for me so I ignored it. My phone stopped ringing only for a short time before it stared up again. This went on for several long minutes before it finally stopped. After each attempt from whoever was trying reach me there was a separate single vibrate indicating they left a message. I felt a little guilty for disappearing and probably worrying everyone but they shouldn’t have assumed or accused me of lying. Thinking they finally got the message that I didn’t want to speak to them I continued walking god knows where trying to think of what to say when I finally decided to go back. I was really deep in thought, trying to remember if and when I got the bruises. Obviously they don’t just appear like magic. They have to be caused by something, but... what? All the sudden I was hit with a vague memory

“Huh?... Wha- where am I?”

“You fell asleep on the couch dear. Don’t you remember? It was really adorable actually. My mom said super sweetly.

That’s weird, she’s never overly sweet with me, like ever.

“No, I don’t remember doing that.”

I looked around and the tv was on, which is also rare. It was playing a random comedy movie. Comedy? My parents don’t even like comedy movies.

“Oh well you did. Right after dinner, you dragged your feet over to the couch and was out like a light before we knew it.” She said casually.

My dad waltzed in like everything was totally normal. What the fuck is going on. Why don’t I even remember eating dinner? How long have I been here? Why does my body hurt so much?

I came back to the present feeling slightly uneasy. I remembered now a little bit of what happened when I got to my parents house and a little bit of what happened after I woke up from my nap. They managed to convince me everything was fine after that and I left assuming they were telling me the truth because I was too tired and too annoyed to argue. But the more I thought about it the more I wondered just how much of what they said is true. Why were there huge gaps in my time with them? And why do I get the feeling that the weird gut feeling I have isn’t a coincidence? I got lost in thought again but it was peaceful this time and quiet which I was relishing in.

Unfortunately the peace and quiet only lasted for a few minutes when I started to get what I assumed were dozens of texts. I finally got fed up and decided to silence my phone completely. When I unlocked it I saw a glimpse of some of the worried texts from the team. They all pretty much said the same thing;

“Y/N please come back. I’m sorry for saying I didn’t believe you. I’m just concerned about you. I want to talk and I’ll listen to whatever you have to say. Just please come back.”- Ali

“Hey kid, heard what happened. Wanna talk?”- T

“Y/n where are you? I heard what happened and that you left?? please come back, we’re worried.”- Christen

“Bruh what the hell? let’s talk?”- Ash

“where r u?”- Mal

“It’s not safe for you to be out by yourself. Ali told us about the other bruises. Whatever this is we’ll help you. We’re gonna start searching for you if you don’t get your ass back here soon. We love you.”- Alex

And it went on like that as every single member of the team texted me some variation of that and the voicemails they all left were much the same. I started to feel more guilty but let my anger keep me from replying to them. They can stew a little longer.

Meanwhile back at the Hotel...

CHRISTEN PRO//

“Okay, so tell us exactly what happened.”

“I saw the bruises when she was changing, which I happened to walk in on. I don’t think she was expecting me. I asked her what happened and she said that nothing had happened and I asked her about the bruises I saw on her arm, shoulder and spine and she continued to tell me she has no idea where they came from. I told her I didn’t believe her and then she got upset and she just... left.”

“Just like that? She didn’t say where she was going?”

“No, she was so angry she just stormed out and when I tried to follow after her she was already gone.”

“And she’s still not answering her phone. Damnit kid come on, where are you?”

“She’s not safe out there on her own, we have to go look for her.”

“And how are we supposed to find her when she doesn’t have her location on and is doing everything she can’t to ignore us?”

“I have no idea but we have to try.”

“We will, but we should give her a little more time. It’s possible she’s just around the corner cooling off. She’ll come back when she’s ready.”

“You’re right.”

“Guys I hate to steer us back into more serious topics but shouldn’t we be talking about the bruises she has that started all of this?”

“What do you guys think they’re from?” Megan asked.

“I want to believe her when she says she doesn’t know but I mean how can you just not know about bruises as severe as those?” Ash said.

“I mean... I’ve had some pretty bad ones I don’t remember getting from anywhere.” Mal said off-handily.

I saw some of the rest of the team nod silently, indicating that they too had, had the same thing happen to them. And I had to admit that I had my fair share of bumps and bruises that I couldn’t explain because they just seemed to appear but I was still concerned for our youngest teammate as it was getting pretty late and it was already dark outside.

“Oh god, you don’t think it’s her parents do you?” Tobin asked no one in particular.

We all paused for a moment to process what she was implying and I know we were silently hoping, praying that they wouldn’t do that to her. That they wouldn’t beat their own child.

“No, there’s no way. She’s told us that they love and support her and that even though they aren’t around much they still care about her.”

“Right, you’re right.”

“It has to be them though, I mean there’s no other explanation. She didn’t have them before or after practice right?” Alex asked.

“No, she didn’t.” Lindsey said solemnly.

“Do you really think parents can just flip a switch? Just like that? Be caring and supportive one minute and violent then next?”

“It’s possible.”

“No, just don’t even go there. I refuse to believe they would do that.”

“We would have seen the bruises if she had them before, since we all change in the same locker room together for practices and games remember?” I said

“Fuck. When I get my hands on them I swear to god...”

She didn’t get to finish her sentence because Y/n walked into the dining hall where we were all gathered.

“Get your hands on who?” She asked quietly

“Kid...”

“Y/n holy shit, thank god.”

“And she lives!... not the time? Got it.”

“Y/N... we need to talk.”

“Why? There’s nothing to talk about. I don’t know what Ali told you, but I don’t know where these fucking bruises came from okay? I don’t know. I’m sorry, I know that probably isn’t what you wanted to hear but it’s the truth. If you don’t believe me that’s fine but i’m not talking about it anymore.”

“Sweetie please just hear us out okay? We’re worried about you and getting defensive about them isn’t helping your case.” I said, trying to reach out for her but she backed away from me.

“Defensive? I’m just upset because you all still don’t seem to get it.”

“We want to get it, please just talk to us.”

“No.”

“Y/N, please just...”

“No! Okay, just no. I said we weren’t talking about it again and that’s final. What happened to “I’ll listen to whatever you have to say.” Huh, Ali? Good to know that was complete bullshit.”

“I’m sorry baby, please believe me, we just...”

“Oh believe you? For what? You clearly still don’t believe me so why should I give you that courtesy? You know what, this is all just fucking stupid anyways. I’m going to bed. Goodnight.”

And with that she disappeared up to the room she’s sharing with Ali. Leaving us all more confused and concerned than ever.

“Well... that went well.”

“Shut up Emily, so not the time.”

//End

Okay so yes that is yet another cliffhanger of sorts, I’m sorry but I thought that was a good place to end it. Just know that Y/N genuinely doesn’t remember a lot of what’s going on, just like she says. Her parents are definitely sus asf.

I’m actually writing part 3 rn so that should be up within the next day or so. I know I keep disappearing but my life is totally a mess rn lol. I’m back now tho and am excited to finally get to all the requests I have. Im so sorry for those waiting I haven’t forgotten. Promise.

-N

//

Not edited.

[pndnj]

Cathartic- Yellow Metal Lyrics

Heres where I am with the lyrics, I referenced @25Goldenn on twitter for some of it that I couldn’t comprehend. 

*music*

0:23

Dark matter, like painted splatters, they fit better, the old saying, the way it goes, better the devil you do then you don’t know. I hit pedals and switch levers, my heart metal, I can't settle, im part trouble, they are not subtle. I fuck good so fuck cuddles, burst bubbles the thrist levels at new heights, i down doubles, and got baked til I felt high, my face puzzled, felt muddled, far strung and your floors woodent, the thought might but the fit wouldn’t. A fortnight

0:46 - 1:00

And I thought right, it’s all bark and no bite, I’m Tony Stark still embarking on a dream, took a bit of time to take darkness from the team. Seen what I saw. Heartless on the sleeve. Tried to burn my wings, so I put them in a piece on my chest , at peace no rest.

1:00-1:15

Flipped this on it’s head. Rip the script up now, flip it don’t pretend, slipping shit again, Fakers all around me, I’ve been living in pretense. Fake friends won’t make amends. There’s no need, these mean comments control the scenes. Attentionseekers, the spine is weakened

1:15-1:24

This family needs, what a family needs, and the planet bleeds, the damaged trees. It’s never leaving til we ascend so fuck the fence, and until they stop killing colour it’s fuck the feds.

1:22 - 1:44

You must be off it, I mean it, you know you ain’t never get with the judging and I used to dread growing my beard too long, never felt I belonged, but it's really long like a minute I ain’t looking to no mans for the limits, They’re feeling timid, I’m telling them who they mimic, why they don't look like a clinic …. Why they don't get no women, Still, we’re just fucking girls, Lost in the wrong world, Jurassic, now to this vermin

1:41-  1: 50

Kicking the game I’m serving, these losers are never learning, my fire is forever burning, adding it to my fuel, seems like I’m always focused on never becoming you, These locals that rob us feeling … was for a reason.

1:52-2:02

I’m seeing my new beginnings, watch out this loser’s winning, and no water is too deep to swim in Like I’m about to see a killing, I’m all the way that and living, flawless and feeling lawless, the prison now to the gimmicks, my vision is set to something,

2:03-:2:20

I’m watching you bitches plummet, no matches here for my cunning, you rappers are feeling done in, switching your genre, running and Running your jaw, stunting, pulling at straws, something  I think you’re a poor effort, deaf and tone deaf and I ain’t treat you separate. Living, I’m in my element, riding it like a … never lose me to fentanyl, scared when I take a benadryl. Keeping it green in general

2:20- 2:46

Think that you remain irrelevant. Look at yourself with reverence, hoping to always elevate. Celibate of these thoughts, killing themselves with sedatives. In comparison to eminem, you’re feeling feminine. Impolitically correct, still dropping on my dick. And I never gave a fuck about what they say abt my shit, I’ve been moving things in my mind like it’s this mountain dew Memories have made me wonder if one day I’m after you. What’s the purpose that you do, is what you're hoping that they learn, i’d like to say i’m done but it’s getting up on my nerves

2:46 -2:55

I’m looking at my life, saying what do I deserve. It’s hard to say I know when I’m walking through the dirt. Talking while you’re nothing I can see for what it’s worth. I’m tired of feeling hurt and I’ve tried enough but nothing works.

2:55-3:40

I’m racking up excuses while I’m slacking off on work. Chit chatting is the usual, talking to this clerk, i beg you don’t include me. I might write it on my shirt so everytime they see me, the oldest know to swerve. SWERVE Life is potent, bits of fucked shit… till they took notice weren’t  no hocus pocus, it was hard work that got me heard so i put in the graph like google maps but the whole earth

… around my door mat, taking over like the drones, rolling dirt up in miles like the water, and exploding like Annas hematoma. Don't need to see a slammer to know that I don't want to go man

I’m a showman. I’m just focused on the drama… like i’ve got my own insurance, show myself the pain, like i boxed it in the frame, if we’re about to talk greatness im great, the way you have to say my name like beyonce

“Say my name”

4:00-4:46

Just a bum with a cigarette, sun coming up, all my thoughts on the internet. Feeling deep, I’m just bored with the silhouette single sec,  get fucked up for the thrill of it . killer streak playing Pacman. Like I came from the Philippines vanilla bean still a thing for the thrill of scene,

Theres a beam, UFO, Leave it well alone  I aint moving, stood still on the peloton, telephone and its always on the dial tone,  it's been a while since i’ve smiled at a milestone, seen a big pile in my mind stone, me against the world on my Jack Jones, Like I’m John Jones, With pictures in the condo, far from John Doe, in the ___, like I'm Johnny Bravo, got pravado, with a small dick sitting in golados, feeling far gone, cuz that last hit was the good shit, was that stay lit

4:48-5:02

You can never take my shit come and get me. On the top floor,  cloud 9, fading, never bailing, felt amazing, inhaling, til my lungs two guns blazing. Overcome all the stunts that I pulled. A suit of just skin and then wool

5:02- 5:17

This life doesn’t give you no armour, a lot of myself can harm ya. I swear on what’s good, that I’m here till they take me. I pray that I’m wrinkled, at least over 80, and start moving like a ruler, ?damaged? Like a computer going fast, bars from the jeweler, bring the songs to the beach in hopes of finding tuna

5:18-5:36

…

5:36- 6:16

Grab a bat, lose my rag. Couple things got me mad, a couple people got me wrong and now I’m changing up the swag. Coming in and stealing it, I might take the whole bag. Feeling undefeated, I’m a beast with a reason, and imma lead the whole pack. Fearless like I’m Caesar, I’m just waiting for a chance to fill it up with diesel, and all I've been achieving is clocking miles in its region, moving like a legion.

Promise that I made to myself an allegiance. Do you still believe I’m a fool for ever leaving, staring at the ceiling, can never put a cap on achieving. I’m just here for the rap, then I’m leaving.

I’ve had about enough of being my own enemy, it’s time I grew up,  a long way from 17. Always went against the grain, struggles in my life. Got some things to say when I stand up on a mike.

6:16-6:32

I ain’t dropping this for fame, I need this time, like therapy, it’s just to keep me sane. The truth is on my medicine, can’t put that on your plate.

Speeding into everything, bout time I fixed the brakes. Don’t say I can’t communicate , you know I conversate with you in several different ways. And I know you know it’s references, looking at your face.

6:33- 6:53

Can’t justify mistakes, like every man that made them, seems I ain't  the one to blame. Lying to myself, only had so much to gain, so now I’m switching up the plate, see if that affects the place, im at on most days

I ain’t going with the usual so they looking at me strange. Confused, I can feel it all,  I’m here to make a change. It’s cold at 3am outside, I’m walking with the dog, thanking god that you don’t talk at all, my mind is switching off

6:54-7:12

Driving down to find myself, cuz I’ve been getting lost, lived this selfless life and found I can give a toss. Lessons that I’ve learned I’ve tried teaching to myself. What I’ve learnt from certain people is that they’re better than myself.

So I surround myself with real ones, and you feel the plastic melt. Like burning toy soldiers that used to go up on the shelf. Recycle the ideas, conveying on the belt

7:14-7:29

.. circus, always hurting the way we felt? Embarrassed that we dreamt of bigger things and letting go of notions till we feel them in cement

Tired of only hoping, we feel broken men. Cuz the gravity is weight and has kept us to the ground, see the only people speaking with favors in their mouths

7:46-7:58

Got killer rhymes… no fillers, like godzilla, eating clouds cuz my smokes thicker, throat licker, my dope sicker, bringing people their hope like im the pope slicker,  i hope you’re getting the point cuz i walk quicker

I thought my city was shit bcs I want bigger like my zipper couldn’t zip up fed up with the…my love is fickle.. Residual age has a primitive face

I see demise for your limited ways, Left it to simmer, simmer away…a fake glimmer in the haze

8:09-8:11

Feeling trapped this industry is a cage

8:34-8:50

Nobody’s speaking the truth, I’m offended by the State. Look at the state of the news, I’ve decided the argument, reciting my views, while they’ve been sat in their chairs, I’m feeling pressure to choose.

Standing here as one man, how can I do half when you’re half the person I am. If it wasn’t in your life, you didn’t choose it. It’s the funny thing about music. It’s the pain and beauty of it.

8:52-9:11

Don’t give a fuck what my suit is, it looks good so I wear it, better than the shoot that People’s wearing, changing the whole narrative for these basics and scarcity

Been facing the racists from back when i were a kiddie .born up in in 93’. been living in Bradford City..kicked me out of the schools, they had a problem with me hitting the kids that would call me p*** still sitting in the classroom chilling, and i'm angry now that I’m older I see they treat us different

9:12-9:25

got me thinking I’m the problem cuz they never dealt with those issues.

20 years later I’m still in the same boat, tryna treat me like my grandpa, say I came up off the boat. Came to tell you what I stand for, man I think you’re shit, a joke. How can I be civil, when they got me by the throat

9:25-9:35

Pushing my feelings down, you ain’t got it like them

‘Boy your skin is so light’, ok motherfucker take my name up on a flight. Try to convince immigration that your bloodline’s half white.

9:35-9:45

I don’t know how that’s acceptable, when life is more susceptible to perception, be the death of them. I’ve been looking at the sky saying where’s that day of reckoning, you had your prophets right when they say that you would speak to them.

9:45-9:55

I need justice in this life and I trust that it’s my fight, cuz when I’m writing it feels right to have them focused on the facts again. Focused on the rap again, hoping for the change, gunna put this on the map again

9:55-10:16

Writing in all caps again, the pain, it goes through me so I write the letter. All the shit that could have brought me but made me better.

I’m at home with a pain in my soul , yeh rap… cuz you know I was too real to contest it, my time was invested. Now I look at the industry, I see it infested, looking like kids who would write on nesquik.

10:17-10:29

My name ain’t on the list unless they label it ethnic.

I ain’t never gave a fuck about these jokers and jesters. Ain’t no answers for these things, so just save us the questions, man allowed of violence, cuz my silence is deafening, your opinion stinks, somebody get him a breath mint.

10:30- 10:42

Start to understand why they think that I’m threatening, I move in certain ways, couldn’t slow me with ketamine Now they all wanna hear me, got a table at letterman. Direction changed, like I changed up the lettering. Don’t believe the age ,bcs I move like a veteran.

10:42 - 10:47

Raised on the benefit for whose benefit, they’ll never learn shit, man, if the shoe fits.

…no words coming out when you open your mouth

And to be honest, it’s insulting, offensive to my wounds that have been salting. Tryna ask me questions that they know I never answer. I’d rather sit online and reply to the fan art

11:00-11:06

Fuck a sports car, coming through when i rapped

tell you what I like, farm life and the tractor

11:06- 11:17

Fake life, 'sup online, suck a fat one. You don’t wanna buy into that, none of that son. Sitting in the garden 98’ in the Datsun,  seen some hot summers but I still remember that sun.

*music*

11:51- 12:34

I make millions off of my pain, cause I know a few millions still living that way

Dealing with the hurt, they should know cause they don’t deserve it, it hit deep cause i hit the nerve. Only way that the sheep learn if the street firm, in my ways I don’t wanna change, everything just stay the same

Who you tryna convince you understand, cant maintain, let the lights dim some,  get the Chow Mein, flex, get the tape, right up at night

Why these men be nice to my face, be nice,  i ain’t tryna be a gangsta ruins my vibe

Rather be low-key and on my phone. Never need the trophy or the show piece

Never show peace in a North Face fleece. Show kids this like i wrote my flip

Cause the sign might fit till the start i’m sick

12:37-13:05

Now you see where I come from, the world don’t. Only achievement in this life is the Jordans. Committing petty crimes out of boredom, we can’t afford them. So I stole it, need a rolex

Go make sense, get yourself a job, It’s a poor man’s game tryna sit and pray to god, he ain’t sorting out your problems, gotta sort them out yourself

Used to tell us fables, now I’m writing them myself, Cause we raw like animals we all just need some help

Cathartic, I’m an artist, trying to put my heart in

Felt double crossed like Leo in Departed

13:05- 13:27

For the knowledge i’m not charging see I got it all free

But my hunger kept me starving like i’m feening for the feed

I just Need a reason to see me bleeding for my creed. Trick you with the words like I keep em up my sleeve. Picking where I fit, I see me sitting with the queen

I ain’t doing it unless you’re used to saying please

Let me flow a bit, before I sting 'em with the bees, They tryna kill us with disease

(Music)

13:34- 14:12

Why does it feel like they had the same notebook and the same four looks

Like the rain won't touch on their face, so sus when they lie don’t trust not a minor

Please no fuss, I just move through the game like must

Something in the way i adjust till i stick, Free falling like the ship, free fall till i bust

Remember 21 brother gave no fucks. Trying to project when they give them looks

In the projects, in the objects us

In my own way, never gave me love, shoulda never started this, broken hearted kid

Dried up the feeling till I stole the lid

Don’t wanna relish in the fame but I can’t resist

14:46-14:58

I like the way we feel, I like the way, I like the way

Ain’t no mistake, i am a being

I ain’t tryna be a leader, been selling out since Jesus

All my rhymes are for the readers, between the lines, like Father time, I fuck Mother Nature

14:58-15:40

That’s what they get, the connotations. Tell 'em I lived a life, and then I lived a life of adjacent? like its…. and played it patient.

Alone on my own spaceship, always tryna find greatness, still defying lines, but I’m fighting in my prime.

Shining light like Kylo while imma kill it all the time. Aging like I’m wine

Asian in my face, but still my race you can’t define. Focused on defiance, imma fight it while it’s life.

Started something sick and on my mind is what’s next, just became a dad so now I’m taking all the cheques. Better know I’m staying and paying like it’s debt. Imma get it done, if it’s taking all my breath, sweat, and down I ain’t messing around til I’m the best

Speaking in full sentences, shoulda thought about a strategy before you went at the stratosphere about this… rings around Saturn, this ain’t a battle, I’m sat, I’m here

15:40-16:22

Catch me doing magic, hired and sounding tragic I think you could use practice and until that you get the blacklist and pull like a … actress? Fooling them like a catfish, schooling like a legend, happy to be the reference, fusing like iridescence, leaving them all guessing, leaking out of my brain like a pipe I aint fixing, shining like a star you can see it from a distance

Aint many of me around p*** I’m just different Certain stages to this level aint here because fame is to the devil fuck a label, imma do this from the ghetto, clean up like Im Dettol

I’m the man to put a bet on, sight smart like a weapon,  this is my kind of setting, i write the world I’m sat in, while these others live on hype, i see them fight in how they type, the fruit is ripe for the taking, i think i might

16:22-16:57

Let me take you away from here, Let me take you away from here, Let me take you away from here

16:58- 17:47

Eccentric things are mentioned like a kid stuck in detention tryna escape im just spitting what is written on the next page, spitting image of my dad in his young days

Born sinner when i’m livid i say fucks sake

Don’t worry i’m too cunning with no plumbing, the waterworks, i sung something that resonates, i thought it first like giving birth to the parrot perch

They see me do it and they know it works

Don’t know what’s worse: the way that you live your life or the way that you write a verse

You’ll be nervous, you don’t deserve it we’ll scratch the surface ill leave a crater, lift the dirt up to find the hurting

Can’t know for certain nothing is guaranteed, tryna be a better person than the world deserves to see cuz i see a lot of sharks still swimming in the sea

Cease and arrest what’s the reason.. And these the kinda kids we bringing up next

Distorted reality, all they needed was family, too hard to face, to see what the damage is

17:47

*i don’t wanna be, i don’t wanna be, a part of this, no, i don’t wanna be, i don’t wanna be, a part of this, *

18:04-18:38

Sometimes they ask the questions too deep to form a sentence, to disform, is this the norm, is this the sentence i feel defenseless i played the setlist, and all my sweat blood and tears, forgot to mention feeling lost, going off into different sections i feel like love wrecked it

If it’s not a drug why am i waiting for the next fix, affected, i cant believe that you left this

I guess I leave for the best wish, moving on like im fine for the lectures

We see it all from spectrums, cuz if we’re falling down we can fall down together

Staircase to heaven, mirror down the middle like 11, resentment on one side it won’t settle

18:38- 19:14

Mind fried but taking sense, they aint got a sense of themselves in the rich ends

Need to spell it out for them.. Made for them so witness

I know you feel afflicted but you always love it with me while im laughing at you, ya think you’re laughing with me

I try to (i love you) but im grown so they don’t fit me, my body thrown from the new to this old city so Im sick of sitting on my own, feeling so shitty, i’ve been on roads where its cold and the snow hitting

Its okay to be yourself, sit and talking to myself

I’ve been walking for the longest, just need a little rest, know i ain’t the strongest, I can feel it in my chest, talking about my feelings and of me, they get the best

19:14-19:59

They aint leaving, seeing breathing in my breath

Till death do us part is just seeded in my heart, like a work of art

Never winning,im just scared

Cant begin from the start, do i play a part in the rhythm of the night

I guess i’m onto something cuz the dark is feeling right

Every cloud got a lining, put my own miles  in, like moralis, figured that they’re jealous, that they could just never tell us to change because the weather never made me question whether or not i’m not that level

Got rid of all the bullshit sitting in my way, most of them are full of shit i see it every day

I do hearing the same things that i do, maybe that shits hitting like haiku

How much do you pay for them to hype you

Recycle your flaws but they aint like new, leaving and conceded and full of diesel like engines that need a cleaning, the ending will be revealing. Even though we ain’t raising the facts, now we been facing.

20:01-20:52

The cactus with spikes, needing spaces. Different faces, the same story. A full body like straight body direct to your system.

Could never tell 'em we missed’ em. Not even with the thoughts, we gift them. Cuz they just take advantage, guess we are caught in a system.

My soul pouring out details of borrowed time, had enough of a fill, this is for sorrow time. I’m seeing visions of Heaven, I seen the severed line, between the gospel they speak and when theyre telling lies.

Remember telling a friend of mine, you’d sent of mine, identified like a 3rd eye. Got a habit of knowing now where the dirt lies. So benign. I ain’t sober after 9, so I fuck their minds. Why you flipping out, see another

Try to rep it from the city, fuck a chiller crew, repping for the nittys, trying to keep us down, raised on the social, don’t want to let us out of the system. Me, I insist we assist them, me alone putting shifts til I lift them

20:53-21:12

I know it’s hard, that’s why I like it, I’m fit to fight it, I’m from the North, I’m backing Tyson, it’s been decided, don’t see no light. They needing guiding, just redefining, realizing, I’m realigning, in full finance, they stay silenced.

Can’t be louder, I’m juiced up with no powder. I fix shit like a slick spanner. Gone green like Bruce Banner. So free Gaza on my banner

21:12-21:51

The real McCoy, I ain’t nothing to toy with, signifying peace like a Japanese Koi Fish. How did this happen, we’re moving backwards in our timeline, killing us with cyanide, Right up for the freedom 'til we transform like Ironhide

This is bout my feelings, the way that I move affects the fate that I’m sealing. Can’t say nothing, with that something being on the page, kept inside the pen like the bars that have been kept caged. See I always had a plan, since I was young, we had nothing man

Now it’s been a few years since I ain’t seen the fam, on foreign lands. Bout to climb Everest in the avalanche. Right into the riddles as soon as you were born. Never asking the question cuz it’s the norm. See I’m in a questionin’ session

21:52-22:03

Like the manner got a method to teaching a lesson, listen to MF Doom, he taught me like Ra’s Al Ghul. Felt like living in Gotham, the people were rotten. Still we play cartoons so it’s never forgotten.

22:03-22:15

Chilling at the top but we came from the bottom. Writing and jottin for them life by, spotting the difference

*Dreams, was growing out of me, sun promising that tomorrow it will rise, time playing games with my mind, I swear it will pass us by

Train goes on the tracks, smoke, I’m tired to hide my thoughts, so blinded in flames, Don’t know where we’re going, I have no way of knowing, only see what’s in my head

Can’t we wait a minute, so we can savour this, It’s on my brain again, these days, It on my brain again these days”

23:10-23:46

They’re hating on Palestine ways, The oh no Palace playing Prince on the Steinway, Sending out mind waves, stop them like crimewaves, Freedom fighter, Yellow Metal is my name

Like vipers, I see the sly ones, the snake that’s called Biden, none of them abiding what they might put in writing

We should be used to it by now, say whatever for the vote and then just choose another route, say they’d never kill another unless that brother’s skin is brown

I’m just telling you the facts, if you can’t take it, the truth naked, to bare bones and my thoughts lately, spitting politics.. Done ain’t it, Shit just gets me vexed, and now I’m sitting that I think of it

23:45-23:59

Feeling on the brink of it, whatever it is, Figure out some shit at least it feels that way

talk about my feelings and I don’t feel so strange, finding solace, that’s a promise, in Metropolis but being honest, can’t write a sonnet, without some pain

24:00-24:40

Can’t fade away, away so we can savour this, been on my brain again these days

Can't find a way to be so you can savour this, been on my brain these days

Singing the song for another, singing a song for another

[doctor-gyro-gearloose]

Someone made art of Mads and a feral cat

And then someone added to it being like gyro and Mads argue about adopting a cat

So

Enjoy :)

“Darling look, I get bitter and lonely when you’re away, I clearly need this cat” Mads would argue with Gyro, he had been trying to convince him to adopt a cat he had seen at a animal shelter, a beautiful black cat with the orangest eyes he had ever seen.

“No! Cats are clearly nothing but trouble , beside Mads, my seasonal allergies will act up and I am not about to risk that for you because you want a stupid cat.” Gyro says.

“Love, you look at a speck of dust and you sneeze, it’s not going to kill you, beside, I knew you were going to protest so I went ahead and adopted the cat myself.” Mads says, he laughs sinisterly holding up the adoption papers.

“You bastard, I should have known you were going to do that, I hate you for the record, and I hate your fucking stupid cat too!” Gyro says angrily grumbling, most likely off to their bedroom to be angry in peace.

“Precious Kitty; I wasn’t about to leave you at that smelly shelter, let’s get you fed darling.” Mads smiles, he leaves the house to go get his cat from the adoption center. He gets in what is Gyros car. “This dumbass really needs a new car this thing is fucking shitty.” He says while having a hard time starting it, it sputtered for a good five minutes before it started up, and even then it sounded like a dying elephant. He speeds up, tires screeching as he did so, leaving a nice rubber burn in the driveway.

Mads would have preferred to listen to heavy rock while he drove, but Gyros stereo was broken so he couldn’t, driving in a painful silence annoyed him, but he suffered and made it though none the less, arriving at the adoption center. He gets out of the vehicle walking inside the small bell on top of the door rings.

“I’m here for my cat.” He says to the lady at the desk.

“Of course, erm, Gyro Gearloose.” She looks at the file in her computer, of course Mads could never register under his name as he has criminal ties to his name, so he compromised using Gyros name.

“She’s all ready to go.” She walks out back picking up the cat that was inside a cat carrier, it looked like a prison, least to Mads. Or maybe he was just too familiar with prison so any tight space reminded him of it.

“Come here precious baby!~” Mads says delightfully.

The cat hissed at him in response. “What a bitch! I love you.” Mads replies as he walks out of the adoption center carrying is prized cat now, he gets in the car and speeds away returning home.

He walks into the house “ohhhh GYROOO! I have someone you should meet!~” Mads says in a rather sing-Song voice.

“ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT.” Gyro yelled from the bedroom, he was laying on the bed with his head buried in a book, “IM BUSY.”

Mads scoffs. “He’s just a grumpy bastard! Don’t worry precious, he will come around.” He lets the cat out of the prison, it begins to wander the home, sniffing anything and everything it could reach.

[uwuyangin]

stray kids: they breakup with you (maknae line)

✩ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: breakups are never easy, especially when it was with the one person you thought you would live the rest of your life with.

✩ 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐫 + 𝐚/𝐧: angst themes ahead! this is a part two as it’s the maknae line. song rec is “you were good to me” by jeremy zucker ft chelsea cutler. requests are currently open. :)

━

jisung ;

you weren’t surprised when jisung had come forth and told you he wanted to end things. in fact, you were expecting it any minute now. your underwhelming reaction to his statement made him confused, and somewhat offended.

“what? that’s all you have to say, ‘okay’? i thought you cared about me.” he huffed, placing his hands on his hips.

you rolled your eyes, which was half out of annoyance and half trying to hide the tears threatening to form.

“i don’t have the will to fight anymore, jisung, i really don’t. if you want to end things now, then let’s just do it.”

there was a long pause between the two of you. he had built you up to this moment only for it to come crashing down within the blink of an eye. it was evident in your eyes of how tired you were. so, so tired.

jisung feared for the worst within the passing seconds. how could he stall this moment and make it last forever? how could he hold onto something that was clearly not there?

“it’s been over for a long time, hasn’t it?”

the question he asked you was more rhetorical than anything. you couldn’t even form words at the truth so you hummed in agreement. despite how close you were in distance, you felt as if you were miles away from each other. nothing could ever mend the faults that was your relationship. 

jisung let out a breathy chuckle as his eyes rolled to the back of his head to catch the wave of tears. he managed out his last words to you while ignoring the hole in his chest. 

“thank you. for everything.”

felix ;

the last thing you expected from felix was for him to grow angry at you for any reason. he was known to be a guiding light for everyone, shining his aura for the world so they wouldn’t be left in darkness. but something ignited in him that broke free, releasing all of his pent up frustration.

“i don’t understand- why don’t you love me? what did i do?” his voice was strained from the yelling, something very rarely seen in him.

you stood there with shocked eyes and too scared to move. “i d-don’t know what you’re talking about-”

“you don’t love me, you never loved me! i just wanted you, that’s all i wanted.” felix cried out.

his voice was so desperate, almost begging you. 

he was now freely crying, wiping at his eyes profusely. he had been so worked up over this and the lack of affection that you showed him. his insecurities had eaten him alive and he was fed up. felix had decided that you did not love him.

“i can’t do this anymore. i’m not going to waste my time,” he breathed out. “i’m not going to keep hurting myself like this.”

your hands reached for him, to comfort him and let him know you were so madly in love with him. there was always something that didn’t feel right but you would try to work on it. you would try to reciprocate that love for him.

but it was already clear in felix’s mind that you felt indifferently. nothing could convince him otherwise. he pushed past you and out the door, leaving you speechless.

seungmin ;

“you are such a wonderful person, i really don’t know anyone who is more down to earth than you, (y/n).” seungmin smiled softly.

however, there was something in that smile that made your heart drop to your stomach. or the way his eyes were cast on you with such pity. it wasn’t normal for seungmin to shower you with compliments, and now you were completely on edge.

“thank you, minnie.” 

seungmin fought back a cringe at the way you called him minnie. it no longer brought him that sweet joy he craved every day. instead, he felt guilt, and it only grew the more he dragged this out.

“(y/n), you’re so amazing that,” he started but paused. 

how would he go about finishing that sentence? he couldn’t toughen it out and act like everything was fine, maybe pretend to be sheepish. or he could tell you the truth before it goes any further. 

as seungmin fought himself, you had already solved the missing piece of the puzzle. you weren’t dumb, you knew when you weren’t wanted. there was something about that feeling that you could never shake off.

“i know, minnie. i know.” 

he widened his eyes as he froze. you knew, oh my god, you knew. seungmin glanced up to meet your gaze only to see the tears brimming your eyes. he couldn’t find it in himself to say anything else but, 

“i’m sorry.”

jeongin ;

love isn’t something that should be feared, however that is exactly what jeongin did. he worried daily about the connection between the two of you growing stronger each and every day. though he was happy, there was still something eating away at him that told him this wasn’t going to last.

this only made it harder on him when he beared the news to you that he wanted to split. 

“innie, baby, you’re not thinking straight. let’s talk about this,” you tried easing into him. 

he firmly shook his head, feeling his hands shaking from the overwhelming amount of emotions wracking through his body. his hands began to form fists as they clenched tightly, the whites of his knuckles revealing themselves.

“no, i’ve made up my mind. i don’t think this is going to work out. i’m sorry, it was fun while it lasted, but i am no longer in love with you.” 

you were hurt, so horribly hurt that you hugged yourself pathetically. his words were blunt and showed no consideration for your state. but in reality, jeongin knew that if he were to glance up and meet your eyes, he would falter immediately. he would sob into your chest and hold onto you while begging that you never leave him, that he loved you so much it scared him.

instead, jeongin took on the form of a coward, and walked out on you without looking back. some day he would get over it, or maybe not. 

soooooo sorry i was gone for a bit. requests are open, and yeah :) im crying at these images predebut skz they make me laugh

[ra-ttdrp]

Tied Down

{This scene takes place on a 3 day skip before the 5 day skip in QS's scene; Day 19, just a notice}

Ra:

I tried to get out of here before the King's quarantine lifted after the 3rd day but unfornatenly no bus would let me get on and leave the sector's orbit. Let alone try to get on something more highspeed to get to Los Lore.

I get 'excorted back' and gave to give up the dream yet again. Sydney blocked me so I cant ring his tablet thought I'm sure others in the Hy-technical department are trying to locate it, block or no block. I just KNOW the 'where' he is, then they do. I'm sure if I was still angry at her ditch I'd be glad Lor'Ra is gonna see his demise without warning. But I tried to hurt her though Bane and Kytera and my revenge only hurt myself so much more. I screwed up so bad and I can NEVER make it right. I cant even warn them about it either... not that they would believe me, probably. They we're smart, they'd figure it out.

I get shoved to my knees before Michael, who I really haven't seen in person since... I.

I babble a little bit about how I just wanted a vacation and I was tired, I was NOT running away. Not that he believes that, I failed far to much this year at ..everything. I just want a BREAK.

(Michael): "You would really leave after putting on the table your theory? Do you really care so little for my sister?"

"It was a hunch...I dont know...maybe its nothing..I cant be sure. Now that you are here, you'll do better and find the truth my King." I laugh nervously as he skimmed my notes with disgust. Its not like I SAW Sydney reverse feed on Nala. But when I pressed him, he basically confirmed it with his big lecture on how it was impossible for me to know that. I try to block out the terrible thought he left me in final words cause that will just make Michael so much more..mad. I was mad too but now, I was just sad. I just want this day to end so I can get to the next one and want that to end too. No matter what I try I'll be brought back again for my brain. Even though right now it felt more useless then productive.

"We tried for days to find Sydney he doesn't have long..IF if it happens like it did to....Nala...I have Dathan who I DID see with my eyes eyes him reverse feed AND we have some DNA from a women he fed on ...and ..samples from him but its kinda combined together. ..I..I'm sure someone else is working on separating the samples..I ..just had to...get some air."

(Michael): "If all of this is a waste of my time you will NEVER get any fresh air again, do you here me? I will lock you up back in that white room and nothing you invent will be worth letting you out! EVER again!"

"Im sorry!"

I gag as he squeezes my head while berating me. The pain made everything go white but he finely lets go of his telepathic hold and I sniffle up my bloody nose still staying bowing.

(Michael): "Your apologizes never mean anything Ra. Get up and Let my brothers out, it seems there DNA can provide nothing to the cure.."

He commands setting down the notes and his tone made me wonder if he was disappointed they we're not infected or just disappointed he had to deal with them on some level.

"Wh..at do I..do with them?" I ask awkwardly looking everywhere but him.

(Michael): "They can be excorted back to their rooms, and there will be no leaving for them either. I have already assigned guards to watch them till..dinner is served..."

He leaves me with that and I wonder if he was going to have Soren eat them or something for 'dinner'.

I suck in a breath trying not to hyperventilate from yet another nerves breakdown as I walk over to the back med room where the brothers have been in the medical tubes being studied. They had no trace of the blood poison, I had worries for the younger one since he was...so close to Nala during the bleed out. I do not get close to them but open it from a computer panel by the door. The pods release air. Marcelus NEVER takes the pods well but at least they replaced the bloody contaminated clothes with white medical ones so Marcelus doesn't run around naked in a panic.

"Wakey Wakey, you two are not poisoned and you can go back to your rooms and use Myspace all day."

I speak into the mic with fake chipperness to mask the depression as I open the door too them.

[mr007pennyworth]

Jason? Really? He's tried to kill nearly all of you.

"ah yes, I know that, but not me"

He sighs. "He was upset, Bruce, Dick and myself mourned him for a long time but yes allowing the Joker to live angered me as well, he should have taken revenge whether I'd ingrained him to not kill, I take that fault, that's my fault, I should have perhaps gone after the bastard myself, but Bruce at that point refused to let me even go shopping alone...Bruce didn't really 'move on' he simply did as he been taught, cope. He'd not adopted Timothy to be a replacement but Timothy had been obsessed with Batman since before his parents got killed, it was going to be that the boy wanted to be a robin. I was against the whole idea, but I've stopped arguing, it's exhausting. I mean, Jason was nervous in those early days, he was closed off and unpredictable, but he was mine, he was a son and a grandson I could never pick which to have him as, I wish id done more, I look back and think 'fuck Alfred you were such a useless sod, why didn't you do something?' but, I mean look at me, I'm seventy, I've got half a leg missing and I don't cope well off my painkillers, I'm only useful as a butler and advisor these days...we NEVER considered Jason coming back to life, I mean I think I passed out when it eventually hit me that it was true, it's not like he turned up at the door a day later and went 'IM HOME' we found out by word and sighting, Bruce didn't know he was Red hood until...I-I don't know half of the shit went over my head, I've lost track it was all a mess, but he'd been fed lies and all sorts of bull by the time we'd known it was him...it was too late!"

"So yes, Jason, I chose him, because even before and now he looks at me with the affection I hope I showed him, he still shows me respect whether he's angry at the rest of the family or not, he came home to me, he apologized whether he ment it or not, I don't care, he matters to me and always will, they all always will, I carry a gun, Jason carries guns, I don't care, he shoots someone, I don't care, I've killed plenty as a Marines for heaven's sake, I'm not saint, I shot a guy for desertion that was actually innocent, never gotten over that but that's a long story, Bruce is no saint, neither are the rest of them, nobody here has right to hold themselves above another member of this family and never will, Jason is my son, my grandson call him what you will but, he was always be mine and he will always have me, he's kills Bruce, I might have an issue"

"Bruce means a lot to me as much as I think he can be an egotistical, batshit ignoramus at times and I won't lie, I hit him I actually pointed a gun at Bruce when he told me Jason had gotten killed, I was ready to shoot myself, I raised Bruce to be my own son and I curse Thomas out to this day for us finding the stupid cave...it's a mess, but ever since his parents died, nothing was going to be straight was it-I-I think if I had taken him to therapy? I don't know, we wouldn't be here, blame me if you have to, I created Batman I guess. I let Bruce adopt the boys, I let him make them become sidekicks...my Jason should have just come and blamed me, I might have talked him down, not that I'd have been any less blameless-"

"That's why I will always hope to see him, he's my son and I let him down, I can never fix any of what happened, but I can at least give him what he deserves and that is someone to rely on, all of them can, if I can be the one thing he finds safety in this mad city then I will take that, if he walks up to my door tomorrow covered in blood and tired, he'll have a reason and I'll be there and I don't care what you think, if that turns out to be the blood of one of my grandkids, he'll be sorry, he'd never intentionally murder one of my boys and then think he would be able to have me just accept that, he'd know I'd be disappointed, that id be heartbroken, that I might help him but he'd know he'd hurt someone who trusted him to be the BETTER man in this family because I wanted him to be, he's going to be, guns or not, Jason can always be better than all this family combined, I know he can, I trust that he can be, he will be the better man I wanted Bruce to be, I did't manage it. Bruce is his own man now and I can't change him, he'll still be my son. Just as Jason and all of the kids will be, I wouldn't abandon any of them, I need them as much as they need me, he'll be my favourite until I die, I mean-"

He chuckles. "I doubt he'd let Damien take his place, the boys in second after he walked up to me one afternoon with his cat and told me he was named after me....if that isn't the sweetest indirect way to say 'I love you' I don't know what is"

@jp-todd-rp

[mollydollyjournals]

Sunday 20th, 157.4lbs...irritating and kinda doesn't make sense, but I guess maybe it does if its monthly water weight. Cant get an accurate weight today anyway because I couldn't weigh first thing, but that's kind of an estimate I guess. So I really hope this includes some temporary water weight because I just went 24hrs and then broke it with salad and coffee and I'm glad I didnt get frustrated and binge and still kept to my salad but...I also want to actually get somewhere

I'm super tired though. I'm definitely nocturnal for now. I just am my own time zone. I didnt sleep well because of being at my mum's etc but I'm back home now so I guess I'll sleep better today hopefully?

I felt like I was kind of glad to be home - back with my cats, my bed, all my supplies, stuff is set up for me, etc. I almost felt comfortable, and then I remembered I'm not coming home to someone that missed me and some nice easy company. Just the same shit with someone who probably wont talk to me as usual, mess everywhere im too tired to clean by myself, cats all just wanting to be fed but their bowls are dirty, not much but wine and waiting for the next angry outburst from downstairs.

I started feeling really hopeless again. I really need a hug. Reassurance, validation. I never feel right and I cant fix it by myself. I feel like a lost child thrown into situations I'm not really ready for and expected to deal with it by myself for little to no recognition. Just like when I was a kid. I didnt get to be looked after and supported then and I guess it's no wonder having that again now is setting off all those same feelings.

I can already feel my eyes starting to burn. Probably going to have some more crying episodes today. I dont know what to do. I dont see a way to make things okay

[heartofwritiing]

Lies

Paring(s): slight!Actor!Mark x fem!reader, Darkiplier x fem!reader

a/n: #16 from this prompt list. “All he ever did was use you. Why can’t you see that? “

Ive changed this fic some many time and have been writing and editing it for WEEKS so here it is! Its really rough so please ignore any mistakes I had to edit this myself and If i missed something please just ignore it lol I just really wanted to get this out! This is my take on ending 31 from a heist with markiplier hope you enjoy! 

this wasn’t requested Im just in a angsty mood :/

Warning(s): Angst, crying and more angst.

The last thing I remember was walking down a hallway of portraits of people whose eyes were covered with a stripe of black paint. I kept receiving messages from an unknown number and when I reached the end of the hall the last painting had Mark standing on a staircase in a red robe that started peeling away then my vision went black. I felt sick, my head was pounding with pain and my body felt heavy. I opened my eyes to more darkness and ringing in my ears. two arms engulfed me into an embrace. I tried pushing away but I was too weak. Their voice went through my ears making me wince.

“Name?”

The voice turned into a hushed whisper, my hearing started coming back slowly making everything sound muffled.

“Please, can you hear me?” the voice pleaded.

My eyes slowly lifted open revealing nothing and I began to panic. Was I dead? No, don’t be dumb Name. The person said my name again pulling me from my thoughts and the gears in my head began to turn. I looked up and wanted to cry. Damien?

“Damien,” I whispered.

“He’s here darling,” he said reaching his hand up to tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear, a gentle touch that made my cheeks warm up.

I was confused at his words and the way he had spoken, the tone of his voice seemed sad and hurt Dameins eyes searched mine. I had been quiet for a few minutes. I was trying to process how he was here.

“It's alright you're safe now” He smiles softly.

I think he could tell I was dazed and confused but what did he mean by safe? My head is aching, pounding pain shot through my brain as I tried to remember anything. This didn’t feel real and everything just felt hazy. It felt like a dream and I had to know if I was awake.

“Kiss me,” I blurt out.

  He seems shocked for a second probably thinking this wasn’t this time nor place to do this but I needed to feel him.

“I need to know this isn’t a dream or some fantasy of mine,” I tell him.

  Without another word, his hand reached down under my chin to tilt my head back up. His black soulless eyes connected with mine for a moment before he pressed his lips to mine. A knot formed in my stomach when he grabbed my hips bringing our bodies closer, my breath hitched, our lips brushing against each other made my head spin. I reached up to tug on his hair and he let out a breathy moan into my mouth. Pulling away our breaths mixed and his eyes were clouded with lust. This felt real. The feeling of his chilled lips was real. He was real.

  “Did that feel like a dream?” He breathed out. God. Butterflies were punching the inside of my stomach trying to break free. If I had the physical strength to lean up on my toes to kiss him again I would. All I could muster was a little nod, he chuckled

“I’ve got to get you away from here,” he spoke after a minute.

   Damien took my hand in his leading me through the nothingness and my mind began to race with questions. What was going on, I needed answers and I wasn't going to be pushed aside anymore. It has always been like this. I would forget everything and be dragged around by everyone and I was fed up with the games. I stopped and yanked my hand out of Damien’s grip. He turned to me, his face frowned pure confusion across his face.

“Name, I don’t have the time to explain-”

“No!” I shout. I was tired of being scared

“I want to know what's going on, no more lies or secrets Damien.” I was so frustrated, tears started welling up in my eyes.

   Damien sighed, clenching his fists, trying to suppress his anger. He walked closer to me and placed his hands on the sides of my face and everything turned white. Flashes of people, memories flooded through seeing a mansion and then a group of people playing poker. the night of Mark’s poker game, things went horribly wrong. The whole event was a trap in order for him to get revenge. I died. He took over my body, throwing my soul into a mirror and prisoning me for a hundred years. until Mark had found me and erased my memories replacing them with one of me and him together. Lastly, I saw how Damien became this new form he called himself Dark and that Damien was gone forever but he still had his memories.

   My vision returned to see Dark standing away from me now everything was coming back into my brain slowly. My mouth fell open and I remembered, Damien was the love of my life, and to hear that he was dead broke my heart. I started to cry again, grief, sadness, and anger rolled into one coming out as a sob. How could I forget?

“For all these years I thought you were gone,” His voice was trembling.

  I stared at him as he stood a few feet away from me, tears rolled down his grey cheeks and onto his white suit.

“I never forgave myself for killing you,”

  “I don’t understand why Mark would do all of this,” I said, but I understood it completely. I just didn’t want to accept the fact Mark became mad with jealousy and wanted to make William miserable.

  “He’s our friend. Friends would never do anything like this,” my bottom lip started quivering.

“He wouldn’t, he-”

   Dark said my name in a hushed whisper and grabbed my shoulders slightly causing me to look up at him as he began to speak.

  “I know it’s hard to understand any of this but, he’s been manipulating you, Making you forget everything, Forget me.” He said. “Mark is not a good person and I have to get you away from him.”

   I didn’t want to accept what Mark had done. Mark had been there for me when we were kids and always have been so close, I wanted to help him. Dark had explained that Mark’s mansion overtime began to host some sort of entity to put ideas into his head, and it conjured up this idea of getting all the people who wronged Mark together to get revenge. I wanted to help my friend even if he was being controlled. I could tell Dark was reading my thoughts. I could see it in his eyes, he clenched his jaw screwing his eyes shut.

He inhaled before he opened his mouth to speak.

  “You’re not actually considering helping him.” His teeth grit. “After what he’s done, to you, to all of us.” His voice raises and the light around his form pules red. I try not to think about it, maybe it was just this place or my eyes tricking me.

“He’s our friend, Damien,” I plead.

His jaw clenched.

“That’s not my name anymore,” He said bitterly.

  I was shocked at his words. He was angry with me, now I really knew Damien was gone.

   “ALL HE EVER DID WAS USE YOU. WHY CAN’T YOU SEE THAT!?!” Dark yelled, suddenly gripping my arms harshly.

   I jumped, the whole area around us shakes and feels like it's cracking, falling apart at his outburst. Darks aura was buzzing and glowing red showing off his anger and frustration. After a moment his body relaxed and his shoulders dropped, he mumbled an apology I barely heard and stood up straight. Dark struggled to stand when he fell backward suddenly, I grabbed his hands so he didn’t hit the ground trying to keep him on his feet but something was pulling to let my grip go.

  I squeaked when Dark fell back and yanked me with him, his back hit the floor with a thud that echoed and our chests collided. I groaned and slowly sat up on his thighs our hands still laced together as he sat up

  “Its Mark, he knows I’m with you,” His eyes stared into mine and I could’ve sworn for a moment that they shifted into a dark brown color. My heart swelled thinking that those were Damiens eyes looking through. “He’s trying to separate us again.”

  “I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry,” he spoke in a regretful tone. “This is the only way I’ll ever be able to see you again,” Dark lifted his hands to the sides of my head again, his eyelids closing in concentration. I was bracing myself for what was about to happen and soon sleep began to take over my body and my eyes fell closed.

~

  Dark cradled a unconscious Name against his chest stroking her hair every few seconds. He knew it made her calm even if she wasn’t conscious, he knew she could feel his presence and the feeling of his fingers in her hair. He sat there in the darkness like for the past hundred years being stuck in his own head. Names body began to disappear and Dark was alone; she was with Mark now and would be until he found her again. And could finally take her to a safe place forever. He looked up into the void, praying she would be safe soon.

~

  I stood in front of the museum beside Mark yawning and trying to fight my eyes shutting. I looked down at my timer watch and the numbers 2:30 am looked back at me. I looked down at my satchel and belt making sure I had all my tools and my grappling hook was secured to my hip. I sighed before turning to Mark to see him checking his equipment as well.

“Why are we doing this again?” I ask.

Mark’s head lifts to catch my eyes for a second then going back down.

  “You said you wanted to go on another adventure right?” He reminds me.

   A heist at almost three in the morning when I should have been asleep was not what I meant by going on a crazy adventurer. Going on a trip to Europe like we’ve always talked about maybe but not the local museum in the town we lived in. Mark said that what we were stealing had some importance to it so I was willing to help my friend out.

   “Yeah but I’m tired, you should have at least made me coffee before we left so I could actually function.” I scowl. He shakes his head and laughs. 

   Mark takes his grappling hook off his belt and walks towards the brick building raising his arm he pulls the trigger and the hook goes flying up and catching the ledge of the roof. I do the same and we both walk up the side of the building tiring to be as quiet as possible walking to a small open vent that leads into the museum. I follow Mark’s lead and begin to think this was a bad idea and should’ve kept my mouth shut last week but continued.