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allbeendonebefore · 6 years

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An Incomplete List of Hapo’s Vic Picks

I took some books out of the library over the summer to read up and supplement my Victoria Knowledge (tm) while i was here working here - now that I’m leaving the island again I’ve begun to compile them for your viewing pleasure.

Here in no particular order are my vic headcanons for @orcanadian to do with as she pleases xD I provide no citations but can clarify which things come from books and which things come from experience etc etc. Again the bias here is I pick things that are interesting/funny to me and things which I believe fit with her character as has been presented. Also remember that my default for comparison tends to be Ed first, Cal second, and then my impressions of other cities.

CHILDHOOD STUFF

- the number one thing that sticks out to me after reading edmonton/calgary history is how absurdly aristocratic Victoria is. In a north american sense she’s outrageously sure of herself and confident in her supposed god-given blessings and natural talents and has been so since she was young - in a european sense she’s ridiculously quaint in a kind of muddy, low class way.

- so on the one hand while she is a Lady (tm) and will only settle for the best things, she’s also the sort of kid who will appall her guardians by digging in the dirt and doing the gardening Herself.

- I get the feeling that despite beginning as an HBC fort (read: HBC retirement home), HBC had less the interior/mainland understanding (”here before christ”) and a little more of the American understanding (”hated british company”). Not that she would Ever stoop to allowing herself to be called an American, and it took her a Very long time to warm up to the idea of being called a Canadian as the people she met from Ontario and Nova Scotia during the gold rushes didn’t quite suit her idea of decent companions. Islander first, through and through.

- as a kid she spent so much time trying to help create a place she hadn’t really any actual concept of and for the longest time was heavily resistant to anything that didn’t fit her vision. Now as an adult, while the remnants of that particular brand of colonialism and imported class divides are still present, she’s making a very particular effort to present herself as an international and conscious person. (She’s not, exactly, and is still very Basic White Girl (tm) in a lot of things, but she really is trying, especially where indigenous relationships are concerned)

RELATIONSHIPS

- her relationship with the rest of the island and the mainland as a kid was nothing short of princess to peasant. Her attitude pushed New Westminster (Vancouver’s predecessor) to become adamantly pro-US annexation first and then adamantly pro-Confederation second only a little spitefully, and Victoria’s dependence on Nanaimo’s coal ended up radicalizing the workers. After the turn of the century, she seems to have settled down and mellowed in her relationships, more or less happy with her hold on the political reigns of the province.

- While her relationship with Van Man had quite a rough start, she’s sort of come to accept their respective roles. In the beginning she seemed to be more pissed that he had taken the name of *her* island than she was annoyed by his economic dominance of the province, and her prior relationship with New Westminister seems to have briefly been directed at Vancouver, reaching peak intensity when Canada revealed that maybe building a railway across the Georgia Strait to the island wasn’t feasible after all.

- Upon acquiring the capital status, Vic started to settle into the idea that /maybe/ they were finally being treated *fairly* and while Van Man wasn’t her *equal* so to speak he could at least learn a thing or two from her guidance. Van Man just accepts this because he knows he can physically lift her, tuck her in, and lock her in her house if she gets sick.

- Will not let you forget that she is /technically/ the oldest city in Western Canada. Absolutely acts like it and is always ready to dispense Wisdom (tm) even if she doesn’t actually have the experience or knowledge to back it up.

- Despite being closer to the Edge of all things, she’s not a particularly outward looking person even when she pretends to be. Most of her contact with the outside world is actually through Vancouver or through gossip, she remains quite isolated and she’s quite alright with that. Also had more of a historical aversion to Seattle/California than perhaps Vancouver did (since she viewed Washington, Oregon etc. as belonging to her and because she wasn’t particularly fond of all the sketchy flannel-wearing Californians turning up in the mid 19th century rushes)

- Victoria is actually a committee of 17 separate municipalities, 4 of which are perhaps particularly important to take note of. The ‘four towns in a city’s trench coat’ are as follows:

- VICTORIA: the vic chick herself, seat of power in the province, the mastermind of Vancouver Island, and the hip and trendy downtown.

- OAK BAY: the heart of old British culture and class divides, highly resistant to development of any sort, and self proclaimed “original” hollywood north, Oak Bay is a state of mind more than a place who’s gender is tweed and mostly goes downtown for the Irish Linen store.

- ESQUIMALT: was going to be Victoria’s original location but had crap farmland and no fresh water, so became the military and naval base instead. Vic had a romanticized view of a sailor who would come and sweep her away from the island in her youth but...

- SAANICH: i suppose the chill and friendly popular neighbour of the four and perhaps the most tenuous sense of identity, but loves hiking and stargazing and being outside in general. Shares the university and a local cryptid with Oak Bay.

- Quebec City is kind of her secret senpai - she essentially demanded the CPR build her a hotel on par with Chateau Frontenac (which they did, begrudgingly) and she’s the only one so far this side of Canada to be able to enjoy a tin of Samuel’s chocolate fondue with her fresh garden produce.

- Cal is a CONSTANT visitor to the island to the point that it’s even more common to see Calgary Flames or Stamps junk than it is to see Vancouver or Seattle teams. Vic is “a playground for rich Calgarians”. They may be on opposite ends of many political debates, but they are both similar in personality in a traditional/romantic/conservative way.

- She also has a bit of an interesting (if mildly condescending) relationship with Hally - polar opposite in attitudes and class backgrounds, but share historical, cultural and geographical similarities enough to at least be able to work together and chat a fair bit.

- “Hey Whitehorse, remember that ship I sent you?” “Ahh... about that...”

CURRENT QUIRKS

- Old lady at heart. Uses facebook to share pictures of visitors to her yard, post old memes directly to people’s walls, and like Every Selfie before inquiring after the person depicted on the public comments. Thinks she’s the wine mom when she’s actually the tea granny, and her big social excursions are usually with her bridge group/the Greater Vic Committee.

- Loves to cook with stuff she grows herself and always has herbs at the ready, though she’s quite particular about who she cooks for or takes out for dinner. Also has a serious sweet tooth when it comes to tea time and candy/chocolates.

- She can actually be a little reserved when it comes to hospitality at times even though she’s extremely friendly and outgoing. Doesn’t actually like people staying in her house for extended periods free of charge... remember that BC stands for Bring Cash. That said, she will absolutely be over-generous with weed and offer a complete stranger a joint five minutes after chatting with them.

- Will talk with you, unsolicited, about anything. Friendly to the point that a quiet brusque prairie person like me will be totally caught off guard. Will continue talking as you’re trying to bike up a 45 degree angle.

- Her manner in some cases can come across as overly blunt or even imperious in that I’m Old So Of Course I Know Better Way and condescending without actually realizing it (”I was cleaning out my attic and found these old photographs I took- they are not the best photos but I’m sure they’ll be adequate to decorate your house”).

- Despite maturity beyond her years, she’s actually got a really good grasp on cool/retro trends and interesting food. While she does tie into the generic maple-washed Canadiana that tourists expect, she’s also very good at putting her own flair on things and emphasizing her own interests (ex. especially comics and games).

- Really into old cars and trucks. Like it’s kind of worrying but considering all the retired people she lives with and the cost of driving to the mainland via BC Ferries (which she h a t e s), it kind of makes sense. A collector.

- Staying out past 9 pm on a weekend is kind of a big deal for her. Also never goes Anywhere in a hurry. So chill and laid back about Everything (but will launch into a passionate rant about how invasive species are actually Necessary Okay or When Will The Deer Stop Eating My Plants?!) no matter how high she is.

- Regardless of how she identifies herself, Vic is extremely queer friendly. Romance of any orientation absolutely warms her heart and she has a particularly strong trans community and archive. She can perhaps be a little nosy about things, but can be really accepting despite her old/conservative stereotype.

- Her favourite holiday (perhaps next to Victoria Day) is Christmas. She goes ALL OUT on lights and decorations every year.

- While she might be more famous for her penchant for yoga and paddleboarding or sailing and other such individual and relaxed recreational activities, she did beat the Montreal Canadiens for the Stanley Cup before the NHL even formed. Not that she brags, but she does carry a lot of smugness around with her and that’s just one more thing to be smug about.

- Has an umbrella and KNOWS how to use it as both shield and sword. Have at thee, weather and disreputable politicians! Also will absolutely defend an oak tree in her yard with firearms.

Perhaps more will be added later but that’s what I think of.

#projectcanada cities #pc: victoria #hapo rambles #hapo reads canadian history #pc headcanon

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rachello344 · 7 years

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ace-of-twos: last night you reblogged a thing and one of the options was “tell me a story that happened to you”. i’m sorry this took so long to type. but here it is. i hope you enjoy reading it. sorry it’s a mess.

… [Rachello344: I’m adding a readmore because damn is this a helluva story, but it is also quite long XD]

first thing you gotta know is that like any set of best friends, lex and i make terrible decisions. this includes deciding to go to the fair last minute which, yes, may sound like a great idea, but just wait for it. the second thing you gotta know is there are going to be a fuckton of asides in this story bc the entire day was a magical and incoherent wreck.

there’s a fair that comes into town twice a year. i don’t usually go bc it’s hot and loud and god there are so many people. but lex convinces me and we go.

our first mistake: we arrived as it opened, at 1pm.

our second mistake: from arrival to departure, we did not leave the fairgrounds.

our third mistake: we stayed until approximately 8:30pm.

keep in mind that those numbers, first and second and third, only really apply to that particular list. many mistakes were made that day. most, but not all, were made by us. it was terrible but also mostly hilarious.

so, to get into the fair and actually get to the rides, you have to walk through a long kinda psuedo hallway filled with carnival games. giant prizes are hanging from the ceiling. one of these prizes is a dragon. it’s fucking adorable as shit. keep this in mind. it’s important.

at about 2pm, both of us high on adrenaline, we decide to ride the tilt-a-whirl. i have never properly been on a tilt-a-whirl so a number of things happen in rapid succession. lex scares the shit out of me by making the carriage spin super fucking fast. (i thought you were just supposed to sit there and let the momentum spin you around. oh, how wrong i was.) i discover that i fucking love the tilt-a-whirl. i demand we ride it again. we get in line. when we get back to the ticket gate, the person managing the ride tells us that we’ll have to take another person in the carriage with us. this is fine until it’s revealed that this other person is a 10yro girl.

lemme describe this girl for you: big, trusting eyes; dark skin; the sweetest smile; chocolate colored hair in a neat bob; matching shorts and top. basically she’s the most adorable small child i’ve ever seen.

lex and i are 100% planning to spin the ride out of control.

i am slightly worried for this child. maybe we shouldn’t do this. i really don’t want her to throw up, specifically on either lex or i bc we are idiots who live far away from the fair and yet brought no spare clothing despite the fact that fairs are messy places. to be fair, i also just really don’t want her to have a terrible time. but mostly the throwing up would be a downer.

we spin the ride.

for two seconds, i watch the small child with concern. and then she screams, the delighted kind, and i help lex turn the carriage into a poorly maintained and probably dangerous metal tornado.

(s'all good, no one’s died at the fair in… years, probably. idk.)

i’m pretty sure we made that kid’s day. we also probably made her parents want to kill us bc we definitely turned her into an adrenaline junkie.

moving on. there’s a swing ride called the yo-yo. (yes, it’s exactly as terrifying as it sounds. the only ride that scares me more is the zipper.) lex initially doesn’t want to go on it bc tbh it’s a wee bit rundown. it’s an old fair, everything is a little broken, but this ride is like scarily old. but then she remembers some of the nostalgia or smth and we get in line.

all the swings are individual seats, one in front of the other, around a thing that spins. a major fucking asshole sits in front of lex.

i’m already scared out of my mind, no matter how fucking safe they claim to be those things do NOT feel secure, and then this guy? he starts swinging back and forth, trying to hit his girlfriend that’s sitting in front of him. he hits lex multiple times in the process. i was so close to strangling him but i really didn’t want to be arrested for murder and ruin an otherwise good day so i moved on.

(also he and his gf spent the entire time before the ride got started making out????? like wow. can there be a limit on pda? like please? chill out.)

you remember that dragon from earlier? let’s get back to it.

okay, actually, one more aside. it’s time for lunch. lex and i have realized too late that fair food is fucking expensive. we spent all our money getting day passes so we could ride every single ride available to us. lex is a bottomless pit and i don’t eat much, but even i’m hungry.

we do the obvious thing and beg my dad to drive out to the fair and give us money for food.

(yes, we had passes. this means we could’ve left and come back. no, we did not do that. in our defense, going home would’ve taken like an hour and then add in food prep time and actually eating it and then coming back? yeah, no. fair only comes once a year. it’s ride or die.)

my dad gives us way too much money. yep, his mistake. like. giving a large amount of cash to teens wandering around a fair? not smart.

despite the fact that we were both starving, it’s also fucking boiling out. we aren’t as hungry as we think we are. so we split a poutine and still have a ridiculous amount of money left.

back to the dragon.

we’d gone up to one of the stalls before and asked what we had to do to win one. the lady is old and kinda grumpy, probs not super happy about working around screaming kids, so instead of telling us how many balloons we had to pop to get a dragon (the information we were looking for) she tells us how much money to just straight up buy it.

i’m hard of hearing and have problems processing auditory input so i do not hear what the price is. this is before lunch and i have fourteen dollars.

she walks over while we’re trying to count out how much change i have and then shakes her head. she did not say fourteen dollars. she said forty. anxiety kicks in and it’s suddenly the worst moment of my life.

after lunch, we have forty dollars leftover. we march up to the lady and i would love to say we shoved forty dollars in her face but we did not. we crouched over her counter for about ten minutes trying to figure out what combination of change equaled forty dollars. then i awkwardly poured it into her hand.

she’s going to just give us the dragon but apparently she has to keep up the ruse bc she drops a handful of darts on the counter. we have eight darts between us and we have paid forty dollars. all i want is the dragon.

we each throw four darts. it’s horribly sad to pay forty dollars and get a measly eight darts. but hey, the economy is shit. we are also shit. as in, we are awful shots. i think we managed to pop a total of three balloons. it’s far more likely that we only popped two.

i tell myself that we aren’t paying for the darts, we’re paying for a dragon.

the lady hands us a dragon. i forget that anything bad has ever happened to me in my life. i am so fucking overjoyed to have a dragon. like damn.

the rest of this story happens much, much later.

it’s about 7pm. lex and i have decided to go on one last ride and then leave. we’re both wearing shorts, have no jackets, and it’s getting cold out. so we get in line for the himalaya.

(to explain, it’s kinda like a roller coaster but it only goes around a little circular track. they play really, really loud music the entire time the ride is going. it’s awful and amazing. esp bc they play weird shit like gangam style and old justin beiber songs. it’s weird. the ride spins forward for half a song and then backwards for the last half. there’s usually a guy standing by to make sure that everything runs smoothly but he also has another purpose. he sits there with his hands out and high fives as many people as he can. it’s amazing but as the lighter person i’m never on the outer edge so i can almost never reach him and it’s upsetting.)

we’re waiting in line for the himalaya. we’re both tired. we’ve been here for six hours. both quiet. and then lex screams.

she’s seen our friend chris on the ride. we did not know chris was there, had no plans to meet up with him. and chris is kind of awesome and bubbly and just all around a pretty cool dude. we both love him.

so clearly, we spend the next couple of minutes making funny faces at chris every time the ride brings him closer to us. it’s what friends do.

when chris gets off the ride, he’s here with some other people that we barely know but that isn’t important, we make plans to ride the himalaya together as our final ride. lex and i get on the ride and we’ll meet up later.

(before then, we also persuade him to ride the tilt-a-whirl with us and scare the shit out of him by spinning it as hard as we can. there’s videos of him just screaming. it’s pretty great.)

then it’s the last ride of the night. the himalaya.

we all get in line.

after such a good day, something just had to go wrong.

we’re getting pretty close to the start of the line and there’s a pretty decent gap in the line bc it’s late and everyone’s lazy so lines tend to be disorganized. a group of teens is kinda chilling next to the line and they do the unthinkable. they attempt to slide into the line just ahead of us.

this brings us to the part of the story where chris almost gets in a fight.

chris may be an airhead but he absolutely will not stand for shit like that so he just holds his arm out in front of him like a shield and tells them to go to the back of the line. the teens do not take this super well.

incorrigible as ever, they still jump the line but this time they end up just behind us in the line. everything is fine. and then the ‘leader’ starts talking shit at chris, backed up by his boys.

(i should mention that chris is trans, pre-t, and fucking tiny. he also lacks comon sense. for all that he may be like three years older than me, he will always be my little brother.)

so when the leader says, “if you ever fucking touch me again, i’ll grope your ass,” we all get a little defensive. also bc the guy’s a dick.

there’s two kids in line behind us and in front of them. lex has noticed them, i did not. they’re middle schoolers. clearly. they’re full of energy, dancing and dabbing and just generally being walking, talking memes. lex is also a memelord. these are her people. so she turns to them and asks them to annoy the shit outta the guys behind them.

being annoying middle schoolers who love chaos, they comply.

at some point they ask us how old we all are. now, remember how i said chris is fucking tiny? he tells them he’s 21 and they don’t believe it. and of course, i’m 19 but i look 12 so they don’t believe me either.

chris and i are both fucking extra so we dig out our wallets to present our id cards to these kids. and my wallet is a wee bit of a disaster. i’m also clumsy. so when i try to get it back in the bag, it doesn’t end well. i decide to just carry it with me on the ride and it’s all going great until i trip. all the cards spill out.

now there’s this guy and i’ve seen him on several rides. he’s wearing sunglasses and a frown. i have not seen him smile all day. he also keeps texting during rides with is baffling to me. ENJOY THE DAMN RIDE.

just giving you context so he’s clearly established as a douche.

i trip right next to his car. as i’m struggling to pick up the contents of my wallet, he turns to me and says, “how many fucking cards do you need?"

i’m not proud, but here’s my response: "how many fucking cards does your mom need?!” then i walked away. and keep in mind that half of my cards are still on the floor as i make my exit. (luckily lex grabbed them.)

with that nonsense over, we attempt to get on the ride.

now, i’m a fucking twig with legs and i’ve already said that chris is tiny. we figure that all of us will fit in the one car. we have forgotten to factor in lex’s fucking gigantic hips. she cannot fit in the car with us. so she gets out and looks around and spots them.

the middle schoolers, they’re sitting behind us.

lex approaches their car and says, i kid you not, “move fuckers, i’m getting in.” respectful of their meme elder, they allow this.

we figure that’s enough adventure for one day so lex and i start to leave the fair. it’s been a long day. we are very tired. i say, wistfully, “damn, we should’ve gotten a picture with the meme children.” lex and i turn to each other, communicating non-verbally, and simultaneously turn to head back into the fairgrounds.

and that’s the story of how i ended up following two children on instagram.

#submission #ace of twos #This was honestly hysterical #Thank you so much for sending this in #XDD #Sorry it took me so long to reply #The notification went away before I remembered to post it #XD;;;;;

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theoneandonlysaucymo · 7 years

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He Needs You More part 2

Pairing: Alpha!Dean x Omega!Reader

Words: 5,300+

Warnings: SMUT, Language, ABO (knotting biting claiming the usual), little rough

A/N: Done took me a bit school has been crazy and I’ve been a bit picky at trying to get it all just right, why is smut so hard ugh. I’ve had this idea down for a long while now and finally got a chance to execute it thanks to @dr-dean ABO Challenge! SOO SORRRY this last bit is late writing porn is hard XD Not my best smut but smut tis smutty! Enjoy

My song was IRIS by The Goo Goo Dolls

Tags @hymnofthevalkyries @mylittlefandomfanfictions @kittenofdoomage @ilostmyshoe-79 @feelmyroarrrr @angryschnauzer @we-are-band-sexuals @leather-moccasin-hero @shhhs3cret

PART 1 HERE

Italics and Bold are song lyrics

You quickly rushed home, the nice thing about this town you had access to every single security camera. You quickly backtracked searching through them to find a good angle of that side road finding an ok shot where you saw Dean go down the street and not come back. You never saw a car so switched angles and compared times seeing two possible cars leave that street. Great….whoever it was knew you would be looking and you growled out a bit frustrated. This wasn’t happening you shouldn’t have left him but you didn’t think that in a few short minutes it could all go wrong. You looked back up at the screen seeing a very familiar face walking out of the side road back into an employee’s entrance of the grocery store. You rewound the tape from this angle watching as you saw her exit the store on her phone. It didn’t take long for the two cars to appear her following down the road, well it was a start you didn’t have time to chase two cars.

Town was small, and if you visited places enough you learned how their scheduling worked so you waited, down the same road where Dean was taken, right by the employee entrance. It took a while but you heard her voice and waited your hand right on your combat knife. Made by blessed hands, with blessed materials it was your weapon of choice, it was about eight inches long and four across, short but sturdy and very, very sharp. She exited alone hanging up her phone and you quickly grabbed her throwing her against the wall knife at her throat burning against her skin. You had suspected she was possessed but you couldn’t risk exposing yourself here.

“Where. Is. He!?” You growled out to her fear instantly filling the air.

“I….I….” She stuttered before grinning wickedly, “Ohhh what’s the matter Y/N? Attached to this alpha too? Oh and so quickly seems a little like fate,” She cackled your blade breaking skin now as you snarled at her. The phone in her hand dinged for a message and you quickly grabbed it from her,

5 Park Road. House with all the plants, he’s there hurry we are having issues keeping him contained

“Well….looks like you were useful,” You grinned knife quickly slicing through her neck. You ditched the body in the dumpster before getting into your car. The place wasn’t far and as you passed by the first time, you recognized both cars from earlier, so he was here. Whoever took him had separated on purpose drove around for a while before meeting up here. You parked a few blocks away, you grabbed a gun but mostly you used your blade, it was quick, quiet, and you could move the bodies away quickly. Car parked safely you started in slipping through the backyard from across the street; one person was on the porch looking around. You didn’t rush in right away keeping low as you watched making sure it truly was just one person. House didn’t look that big, one story but it had a basement, and you could see a light on in a small window by the ground. You analyzed the house, maybe had three bedrooms based on the size, and was probably very cut up lots of walls so easy for you to hide, but also easy for them to duck around corners as well. You sighed out you didn’t see any sign of anyone else just one person out back. You slowly made your move using the darkness and the nicely placed shrubs to sneak up to the porch. A sound caught the man’s attention; he was an alpha a demon so you didn’t feel any pity as you plunged the blade through his back. His body immediately crumpled to the ground. You quickly fixed him sitting on the stairs leaning against the railing as you heard another person calling out from inside. You hid next to the door, another alpha; you could smell him as he walked out cursing at the now dead demon before he too had your blade in his chest joining his friend sitting on the steps.

The house was dimly lit, that was fine you were used to using your nose anyways. You crept quietly along the house checking the rooms but only thing you found were a few people already dead for quite a while too based on the smell.

“Look I don’t care how it happens but make it happen!” You heard through the floor vents. You crept back towards the basement listening into the conversation from the top.

“We can’t! All of us have tried getting into his body we simply just can’t,” a male voice said.

“That’s not an excuse I want to hear!” You recognized that voice as your eyes shot open. No way...there was no way you….you killed Addick when….when your sister died. “I want his body, we take his body we can finally get rid of Y/N for good, she won’t hurt him and him coming here just made it all icing on the cake. Don’t look at me like that Winchester I’ve been planning this for years,” that piqued your interest how long now? “You see I couldn’t beat you and your brother in your world, you both had a nasty habit of coming right back to life but found this handy little spell lets me pop to a completely different world, then another to change time. It was too easy to completely take these from their secret little lair,” Addick said. You had no idea what he was talking about as you creeped quietly down the stairs. The demon held a file box…that looked surprisingly like the others back at home. Your eyes were wide so this…all of this….was connected. “Oh it was too good, they don’t come back like you and your brother here so found a pair of sisters that hunted that were just as annoying as you and decided why not mess with them. Their parents actually got out of it all, no scary demon, no burning mommy on the ceiling, but that wasn’t going to work…soo I became that demon…killing mommy and daddy this time there was no crossroad deal they came already pregnant and not knowing about it so it was icing on the cake.” You were infuriated now but stayed back, there were two demons standing around Dean trying to do something as their bodies seemed to be in a weird trans. Dean was tied and gagged that was infuriating to you but he looked unharmed other than a fat lip, that was at least a start. “So let’s play out more shall we? Alpha’s missing? Omega’s missing? Both of them knew exactly what was happening we were taking over slowly much easier to get a following if you’re an alpha omegas were so much more willing to follow you anywhere. Ultimate prize was getting her sister that silly tattoo no good if you cut the damn thing off. Was soo easy possessing her then leaving just as Y/N pulled that trigger she’s the last little peace I need to make the set complete here but you being here is a bonus. Who would be the first male alpha she runs into that isn’t a demon? Mr. Tall green eyed smooth talking hunter himself, Dean Winchester following me here, If only I had planned that part!” Addick laughed excitedly. “Oh and what’s even better is how close you two seem, she’s going to come in here again find you possessed and have to pull that trigger all over again, not even sure she realizes how much you mean to her. Cut the tattoo off let’s see how hard it will be to possess him then,” Addick grinned as he pulled out a knife. That was it he wasn’t going to lay another finger on Dean, and this time you were going to make sure he was dead. You quickly moved down the stairs jumping over the railing gun drawn as you shot one of the two demons around Dean before cutting the ropes holding Deans hands down easily. The second demon quickly snapped out of his trance and moved for you but Dean was quicker, grabbing the gun in your hand and firing at him. Addick was on you quickly as you dodged a punch your knife quickly slicing into his arm in retaliation. Addick was quick to recover his other hand landing a hit to you cheek cutting you. Dean was fumbling with his binds his hands free he quickly pulled off the gag and tried to undo his legs to get them free.

“I killed you how did you survive?!” You shouted trying to buy Dean more time as you dodged another punch but landed a swift kick to his stomach forcing him backwards.

“Well funny thing about being a demon,” Addick grinned as Dean now stood up gun in hand and he was pissed. “We can leave bodies,” Addick laughed as his body tilted his head up and a black mass started to leave the body. Dean instantly was muttering something, something in Latin and the black mass returned. Addick’s eyes were wide and you wasted no time the knife plunging into his chest the black orbs fading back to this humans brown eyes and his body crumpled to the ground. You panted frozen as you were racking your brain…it was over this time for good.

“Y/N?” Dean’s voice snapped you out of it as you turned quickly to him flipping the knife in your hand to put it away.

“Are you ok?” You asked quickly looking him over your hands on his arms. Fat lip slightly rope burned wrists but otherwise he looked fine. Your shoulders relaxed now, “Let’s get out of here before the cops show up,” You said pulling on his jacket but he didn’t move instead he pulled you in close wrapping his arms around you. That broke what composure, tears started falling as your hands grabbed him tight face burying into his chest. It was all over, the person who killed your whole family, who took your sister from you, and….they….they had taken Dean too. It clicked now why they did, they knew you would come and find him, not because you wanted him back safe with his brother, because you wanted him safe, YOUR mate safe.

Dean held you closer to him his chin resting on your head, he was angry all this was his fault again. You were loosing everyone all because this demon didn’t have the balls to face him directly you suffered. As mad as he wanted to be you were safe now, this band of demons was small, that guy thankfully had a loud mouth and spilled everything. Sure demons were taking over alphas but they were done chasing after you with his death. “I'm right here,” Dean said softly his hand running through your hair. You felt good in his arms, as if you were made to be in them. Dean’s words should’ve comforted you but they didn’t….he was only here for now and as much as your body was screaming to stay against him you pulled away. You could not let yourself get attached to him,

“Come on let’s get out here,” You said your hand whipping away the tears. Dean grabbed the file box and followed after. You reached your car quietly just in time too as you both could hear sirens, “Good timing,” You added starting the engine and heading into the complete opposite direction on your way home. You both were quiet, you not wanting to talk about it and Dean not sure what to say. You pulled into the garage parking your car getting out, Dean followed hoping you would say something. He set the box on the table in front of you and you just shook your head. “Well…that doesn’t do a whole lot of good now but at least it’s back where it belongs, now we got to get you back where you belong,” You said picking up the box to put it back.

“What if I am where I belong?” Dean said quickly. You looked at him shocked and a bit confused, “What if I was supposed to come here?” you could see his breathing had quickened. The thought of you pushing him away wasn’t what he wanted to hear and it angered him. His eyes dilated and quickly he was on top of you pulling you close to him the box forgotten on the floor.

“Dean….Dean you have to stop,” You said as his scent overwhelmed you, shit he wasn’t in full rutt but his body was starting to go through those changes. “Dean I’m not…You have to go back to Sam,” you added but his hands moved to your hips, his head leaning down as he kissed at your neck. Oh, fuck that felt too good, and he knew you reacted, you could feel the smile on his lips as he did it again his lips brushing right over your claiming mark. “Dean….Dean please you have to stop,” You panted, but your lying to yourself, you don’t want him to stop you want him to continue.

“You don’t mean a word you’re saying I can smell it on you…god you smell so good,” Dean’s voice was rough as he moved his lips ghosting his way up to yours. His eyes looked to yours; he would try to stop himself if he could but the way your body was melting into him and your eyes just begging, so he didn’t stop. His lips brushed against yours gently at first, your lips just as soft as he had imagined. It took a moment for your brain to catch up to what was going on and you didn’t want him to stop. Your hands moved from pushing away at his chest to around his neck your body pressing close against him you kissing him back with more than just a soft touch. Corners of Dean’s lips turned in a smile his hands moving from your hips to your thighs picking you up and settling you around his hips. Your body moved instinctively legs gripping his hips arms holding on, and your lips never leaving his. God he tasted so good you couldn’t even pick out a certain flavor it was just him.

He moved walking for your room, his legs just knowing the way. Shirts and jackets were littering the hallway to your room. Your bra the last to go as he dropped the both of you to the bed. His tented jeans against you own pair provided just the right about of friction a moan escaping your lips, one he happily drank into his mouth. His hands couldn’t stop touching you fumbling for your pants. He was rough as he pulled the fabric away drawing a gasp from you not expecting all this to happen so fast. Dean’s lips pulled away from your nipping down your neck grazing over the claiming mark just lightly enough to send a shiver through you. He pulled away from you to pull your pants off completely looking back at you with his green eyes half full of lust half as if he was discovering something for the first time.

“God baby you’re gorgeous,” He panted out his own pants hitting the floor and you couldn’t help but stare at him, that was him without his knot? He crawled back up your body placing kisses along your abdomen and chest, slight gleam in his eye as he knew you were staring at him. His teeth grazed along your nipple, his hand moving to the other breast fingers pulling and pinching. Your hands couldn’t stop themselves from threading through his hair but he didn’t last long his body one minute soft gentle the next he’s ripping your underwear right off red marks appearing where it had stretched and ripped.

“Dean….Dean easy….im not going anywhere,” You said grabbing his face to look at you. His body was experiencing new things for the first time and you didn’t need this getting out of hand in the wrong way. His eyes were lust blown but after a few minutes, it seemed to click what he was doing. His hand moved gently to yours his lips kissing over your wrist, as he slowed down some. He couldn’t stop; you knew that he probably didn’t even know what was fully going on. His other hand moved down between your legs as he let out a small growl when he felt how slick you were. His pupils dilated again and you expected he was about to flip you over and have his way, you wanted that shockingly, wanted to know how being taken by an alpha was, but he didn’t not yet anyways. He moved himself between your legs his tongue pressing itself against your lips. You sucked in a breath, this was the last thing you expected a new alpha in rutt to want to do, but apparently not Dean. His tongue was on your clit pulling your hood up and over the pearl of nerves before his mouth sucked it into his mouth. “Dean!” You moaned out your hand darting down to his head. He had you writhing under him his mouth quickly bringing you to an orgasm him only groaning into you as he lapped at your slick.

“Smell soo good omega,” He growled out his lips backing away slightly so you didn’t become too overstimulated. He gave you a few minutes but you felt his finger soon enter you the gasped loudly. He only groaned below you easily slipping in another finger followed by a third. He seemed to growl a bit possessively teeth sinking into your thigh as you cried out.

“A….Anatomy Dean….you panted out, I…I'm going to respond to you,” you whined and he pulled away kissing over the mark he had made as best of an apology as you were going to get. God you felt bad for new Alphas now going through this, as all this had to be confusing to know how your body was feeling. You didn’t get a chance to think about that another second as his mouth was back over your clit and fingers working together driving out moans from your mouth. Dean was hungry and right now, your taste was what he wanted. His hips ground harder into the mattress wanting some type of relief as he felt like he was wound up tight like a spring about to snap. He was trying to keep this slow, trying not to just have his way with you like his body was screaming at him to do. He did care he did want you to know you were more than this he hoped anyways as he couldn’t stop himself. Your cries were higher now his fingers and mouth working you once again as you came undone around him his other hand keeping your hips still as he rode you through it almost not stopping as you were overstimulated. His mouth pulled away as you finally panted aloud for air. Your body shook, and shit you wanted more. Your heat wasn’t due for a few weeks but your body was just craving him.

“I....I can’t...control myself Y/N,” Dean said softly as he shifted up over your body. His moist lips grazed over yours. “Omega.......mine,” he growled his hands grabbing your hips as he jerked you the rest of the way to him, your thighs against his now. His scent was dizzying your mind having trouble keeping up all you wanted was him. Your lips pressed against his fully pulling him down onto you and his body happily covering over yours. He pulled his hips back only to thrust right in, you gasped out your hands gripping at his arms. His mouth drank you in as he didn’t wait for you to adjust. There wasn’t anything gentle about how his hips slammed into you, he was perfect stretching you and filling you in the most pleasurable way possible.

“Oh Fuck Dean!” you cried out nails digging into his arms as he was pushing you up the bed with the force of his thrusts. You came undone for the third time that night his hips staying flush against yours as his mouth bit down over your neck. He groaned low in his throat his hips rolling into yours as he wanted to feel you grip around him more. His mouth stayed on your neck biting and sucking every place but the one you wanted him over. Everything flew to the way side as your hips moved under him, hands grasping over him as it wasn’t enough. “More...” You whined out lifting your head up and away so he had better access to it, “Alpha need more,” you panted out your hips trying to move under his. Was all the encouragement he needed his body pulling away hands moving as he turned you over hands moving to prop your hips up. He guided himself back into you with a loud groan, before his hips slammed into you. You grabbed the sheets with a moan; you could feel his knot starting to grow now. His hips stung against you but you weren’t complaining your mouth biting at the pillow below you, you were losing it in the best way possible. You were no stranger to sex but this this was different, he filled you like no one else had even in this short time you just connected with him like no one else.

“Gonna make you cum all over my cock,” His voice rang out as he had shifted his position his body over yours now his words tickling your hear with his breath. His teeth grazed along you neck and you were losing it. “Yea....ugh.....Y/N just like that,” Dean groaned above as your walls started to flutter around him. His hips moved if possible faster rolling them with each thrust to just the right position and he was having a harder time trying to pull out.

“Ah...Dean...your...knot,” You whined out your hand moving back to keep him from trying to go as deep as he wanted. You had some sense of things; mostly because you didn’t want to hurt.....you hard heard some of the rumors about knots.

“You want this knot omega,” Dean growled out his lips now licking at your claiming mark. That spot smelled so good and the longer he messed with it the better it smelled. His hips traded going in deep for getting the right angles now. His hands moved forcing your legs further apart tilting your hips up to just the right spot. You gripped the sheets tighter sucking in a breath quickly as everything was shattering around you. “Fuck yes....cum....cum on my cock Omega....mine...my omega,” Dean growled out his hand moving from your hip down to your clit with fast harsh circles.

“Oh god......oh....yesss....fuck...fuck fuck..ahhh knot me alpha,” You cried out the coil that had wound itself so tight in you so close....so close to letting it all go.

“You want my knot omega....then take it!” He growled his hips giving a hard thrust pushing himself to seat inside you completely. The stretch of his knot slipping in made you gasp your breath catching, you were so full completely full as his hand continued on your clit hips rolling trying to go deeper, you spiraled through waves of pleasure. Your voice was horse before you finally let out a loud high-pitched moan your body trying to move with his walls becoming even tighter around him, you were lost in it all that now.

“Alpha....Dean!!!!” You cried out your whole body thrown into the pleasure as the spring broke. Your walls gripped him tight not allowing for any movement now, body curling under him tense as the first wave hit you. His arms moved quickly bringing you flush against him. Damn you felt so good, your cries below making him come undone, and the spot he was resting his head against he couldn’t stop himself. Teeth sank down into your mark that snapping your eyes open, a new wave crippling you as you weren’t sure if it was pain or pleasure as you saw stars before everything became black.

You awoke a few minutes later panting heavily, holy…..so....so that’s what being with an alpha was like…shit you were a complete mess now. You let out a hiss as you tried to move, no he certainly had knotted you and you stuck to him but wow did you feel pleasantly full. You settled back down resting catching your breath. Your hand snaked up to your neck wincing, so that wasn’t a dream...he did mark you, claimed you as his. Your hand moved over your eyes rubbing them this...just became so complicated. You wanted this...you wanted all of this badly now, this wasn’t fair at all. You held back the tears, if you cried now you were going to wake him. You breathed again settling, this could never be and you needed to get him back to his brother. You would be fine here without him, demon dead no one else would mess with you, heats....well...you would deal with those somehow.

It took an hour before you finally could slip away from him, your body was wrecked all it was doing was screaming at you to lay right where you were but you had work to do. You cleaned in your bathroom before pulling on an oversized shirt and shorts, phone in hand you set about drawing the symbol from the first night. You were glad you had wood floors as you drew the image making sure to get every detail correct, only thing now is a few drops of blood and for him to step on it. You cut your hand with a knife letting the drops fall in the middle as you headed to your desk. Your hand went to your neck; the mark throbbed but not in a bad way as you rubbed it.

Dean awoke slowly had...had he passed out? Did he seriously pass out like a high school kid? He groaned as that was the last thing he wanted, you deserved so much more than that, he felt like he had just used you now. He looked to the place next to him it was cold. He lifted his head up seeing you at the desk, “Y/n?” He asked softly. God he was a bit confused, he remembered somethings but this all felt odd. You were rubbing over your neck, did he....do that...did he claim you? He threw the covers off quickly throwing on his jeans from next to him as his foot stepped down. A light glowed below him and you couldn’t help but turn and smile at him,

“He needs you more,” You smiled but your eyes finally let the tears fall. “Don’t you dare leave him Dean,” You added as there he went. You moved your foot over the seal it quickly destroyed along with your heart.

And I'd give up forever to touch you 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow. You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be And I don't want to go home right now

You left home that day, packed your bags and didn’t look back. As the weeks went on exorcists shockingly became harder and harder to find it seems all demonic activity in this world had been linked to Addick and with him gone things became quiet. That wasn’t a good thing for you, too many days in between you had too much time to think, to worry. Your hand often went to your mark, habit now the bruises long gone but his teeth marks remained, you hoped he was ok.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming Or the moment of truth in your lies When everything feels like the movies Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

It had been six months now between raging heats, nights of loneliness, and the bad vampire nest you had just found life wasn’t the greatest. Heats were getting worse you knew soon you would have to return home, for the moment drugs were working but soon...well you didn’t want to think about that. You limped into the dusty motel room the wound on your side a relief from the pain you were feeling internally. If you could get through the first year you would be fine you could make it, drugs would help more after.

And I don't want the world to see me 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's meant to be broken I just want you to know who I am

Eight months....you were almost there almost past the most dangerous part but you were forced to go back home. Between your uterus punching you, hormones going completely out of whack, and the fact no cases were showing up at all, there was no point in traveling. The place covered in a fine layer of dust again just like the first time you found it; the place hadn’t been visited in ages that relaxed you some. Cleaning helped, getting rid of all the dust, cleaning out the fridge, doing laundry, but those only lasted a few days before everything got quiet again. You were waiting for him to just walk back in, half of you wanted him to but the other....he couldn’t stay here this wasn’t his world or his mess to clean.

A month passed as you emerged from your room to get some water. This heat had been horrible you could still smell his scent in your room and that hadn’t helped. You were relaxing into being here not having to look over your shoulder at people giving you weird looks, and it was clear Dean wasn’t coming back. You sat against the kitchen table drinking the glass of water in your hand, so exhausted you didn’t hear the door open.

“Y/N,” You heard Dean’s voice however as you looked. Were you dreaming again? Did you just fall asleep in the kitchen again? It took you a moment to process it all before your glass dropped from your hand shattering and he was in front of you lips pressed against yours into a needy kiss, his lips pressing against your mouth so fiercely it was like they almost merged as one. You quickly pulled away looking at him the look of shock written all over your face.

“Dean wha.....why are you her-“

“Because I need you, this....this thing came with me all of it....I can’t think of anyone else I don’t want anyone else, you’re the only thought that ever comes to mind,” Dean panted out before his lips sealed over yours again. He wasn’t letting you go not this time not ever again.

“Dean you...can’t stay here...you can’t keep jumping back and forth....Sam....Sam needs you mor-“ tears started to spill from the corners of your eye

“Stop...look at yourself Y/N,” He said softly his hand moving as he rubbed your cheek gently. “You need me just as much,” he added lips meeting yours again in a hungry kiss hands moving down now as he lifted you easily, your legs wrapping around his hips and started walking down the all too familiar halls.

“Dean....Dean wait what about Sam,” You said as he shut the door to your room with his foot moving you both onto the bed.

“You can tell him yourself when we go back you’re coming with me,” Dean growled out his lips brushing over the heavily faded mating mark making you moan out under him.

“But...Dean....I-“

“Do you want to stay here?” He asked softly lips trailing to your ear. He could tell this time this was what you smelled like in heat. You didn’t answer but shook your head, in a no. You didn’t want to live here alone anymore, with all the supernatural activity going quiet, you didn’t have any family left, and you couldn’t keep living like this. “Thought so, now that that’s settled,” Dean grinned his lips moved over yours gently at first before pulling away. “Right now I want to claim my Omega all over again the right way,” He growled out hushing any protest you might have had with his lips.

#dean winchetser #Dean winchester x reader #Aplha!Dean Winchester X Omega!Reader #dr-deans ABO birthday challenge #ABO #mmmmm smut #why does it take so long to write?!#shit you not three days to write like three paragraphs #ugh #whhhyyy

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viper-no-viping · 7 years

Text

Wweelp. I guess it's Rambling Time.

Not even sure how far I'll get in any particular topic, but, we're still kind of rusty with blathering shit for school assignments, so.. Here I am, exercising my shit-blathering pathways, or whatever.

I guess an initial General Weather Report would be suitable, given that seems to be how our collectively chronophobic ass keeps track of things that we will Almost Definitely forget in the nearish future.. But that would require thinking in detail about Various Things and that's kind of Not My Bag rly, heh, so. I dunno, I guess we'll see what happens.

Suppose starting with the current thought process will suffice. There's this trans chick on YouTube we follow, who posted recently that she's getting bottom surgery, now that she's recovered from her facial feminization surgery. From there I ended up at.. One or two other videos, pretty sure it was two, about her transition timeline.

And now "transition timeline testosterone" is sitting there in the YouTube search bar staring back at me and I'm just like :\ lol dunno, or someshit.. sigh.

This video made some Feely Feels rear their dysphoric heads, because of some Hashtag Relatable shit about the way he described stuff.. And I'm sure the seething jealousy that he got top surgery means something, heh, meanwhile we're over here crossing our fingers that the body isn't too fucked up for even a breast reduction, which, even for that, the co-pay alone.. ugh.

I mean, not like I actually know how much it would be yet, hopefully Tahni will remember to ask about that when we see the primary again for the results of the next ultrasound to make sure that ovarian cyst isn't fucking cancer, fucking goddamn cancer, never would have thought we'd be stressing over that as a possibility but here we fucking are..

Well. I personally don't have much history, hehe, what with the Iiii don't, exist, Iiii don't, exist.. et cetera.. yeeup, not sure where that was going, but anyway. Yeah. If not from the fucking ovaries, possibly from the goddamn thyroid, which is Fun. Apparently there are no actual known causes for the thyroid cancers, shit just fucking happens, more commonly in "women." Yay.

But I mean, even if it is some kind of fucking thyroid cancer, at this point just take the shit out and put us on thyroid meds for the rest of our life, just make this shit stop.. ugh, but it's probably not even one thing, is it, this whole fucking body is going to shit, and how many months will it be until we've done enough tests and shit to figure out what's even going on..

It's so funny, two years ago they Really Thought it would just be an endoscopy and colonoscopy to find the cause, just a couple tests.. xD Ahh, funny in a kind of lol kill me way.. But at least shit is actually showing UP on tests now. Just having the vague undiagnosable bullshit is a different kind of agony, like before the LPR was diagnosed, it is Fucked Up trying to get any kind of answer on shit when your main symptom is just a constant hellish nausea, not anything that comes back from a lab test with Actual Results that doctors will Actually Respect.. To say nothing of how family and friends start slowly but surely deciding to themselves that it's just you making a fuss out of "nothing."

So, yeah. Different kind of hell, but godfuckingdamn I would take almost any other ailment aside from this fucking Everlasting Period bullshit. Talk about fucking dysphoria, haha. You really hate acknowledging the existence of this entire section of the meatsuit you're stuck in? Here, have some as-yet-undiagnosed ~menstrual issues~ that make the most unpleasant thing that section of the meatsuit does last TWICE AS LONG AS IT USED TO!! THAT SURELY WON'T MAKE YOU WANT TO STAB YOURSELF AT ALL!!!!

Yep. Look how well I'm coping. XDD STFU self, damn.

Or, well, I guess don't STFU, still need to exercise the word-vomit muscles, god knows how the fuck I'm gonna get by the rest of that godforsaken pass/fail How To Actually Do Shit With Your Psychology Degree Part I class.. Due tomorrow is an assignment in place of a midterm, to make a resume and goal list of shit to do that'll make said resume better.

Except there are no accredited fully-online law schools yet, so what in the ungodly fuck are we gonna even do with the degree? It's not like having it is gonna make the body less of a complete medical fucking wreck, it's not like it'll erase the fact that we can never know when we're going to be suddenly fucking incapacitated with dizziness/ridiculous cramps/intense don't-fucking-move-or-you'll-gag nausea for days on end so we can't actually keep a consistent schedule of doing anything outside of the house, what the fuck good is it gonna do me to make a fucking resume reminding me of exactly how worthless of a job candidate we are at this point?

Whoops, that Got Deep real quick, haha. But like, seriously, what the shit do I even put on a resume aside from the fact that we accidentally started the Psychology Club at our high school? If we use the non-chronological resume format it'll make the employment gap stand out less, but it's supposed to emphasize skills and experience instead, and what fucking skills or whatever can we even put on a resume? What fucking skill set will make you a viable job candidate when you can't even stand for the length of a shower without your legs getting shaky, but you don't have a fancy enough degree or the social stamina to handle a job that doesn't require some form of physical labor? Not to mention I think there's also supposed to be a made-up cover letter, something like "Hi I'm XYZ and I'm applying for ABC job with this resume", what the fucking shit can I even put for that when I know how Ridiculously Limited we are at this point?

A bunch of blathered nonsense to fill a page with lots of words and hopefully conceal the fact that we're completely making shit up. That's what. Because I can't just say "I'm Pretty Much Fucked in terms of traditional employment because chronically ill autistic multiple, and am trying to plan out a career in online comics, or if online law school becomes a thing I'll gladly use my psych degree for that." That's how you fail an assignment, even if it's the truth. I can't exactly write a cover letter to the internet announcing our intent to try that shit. So. Yeah. All aboard the Blathering Train, instead.

But yeah, anyway, that's enough financial/career angst for right now. Back to dysphoria angst!, lolol.

Yeah, so, here I am staring at this shit in the search bar and just.. Like, I don't even know if it would be medically safe to try HRT at this point, but aside from that, I don't even think that's what we want, ideally? Not interested in dealing with facial hair, armpit and "downstairs" hair already pisses some of us off enough..

Not sure if we're interested in being perceived as male, I guess, but not really wanting to be perceived as female either? I'm pretty sure at this point most of us are either specifically agender, or don't subscribe to the concept of gendering traits at all and just call themselves non-binary..

Like, the vast majority of us have fucking hated the body's boobs since they first showed up in middle school. We gave Not A Fuck for gendered shit, in general, but on an autistic sensory level we Fucking Despise pressure on the body's chest and these bitches are heavy. Even moreso than usual, recently, what with the hormones being fucked up. Fucking hate it.

But like, how do you explain to a doctor that you want the boobs off completely? The best we can probably realistically hope for is a reduction because back pain, but I dunno if it would Raise Questions if we asked what the smallest possible size they could do was. Could we settle for As? Would it be weird to ask to go from DDs to As? Weird enough that someone would take the time to be like "now hang on a second" and start trying to make us go through the red tape bullshit to be on record as Officially A Trans TM?

If we could get away with not wearing a bra without looking like we're wearing weird droopy melons under our shirt, I feel like that much would be enough for several of us, even if the body did still technically have some small boobage. As long as it didn't impede us or anything we wanted to do, if it didn't get in the way or weigh down on our chest, if it didn't make our shirts fit weird, I feel like we could deal with that..

But then I see this trans bro on YouTube here and hhnnghh why can't we just not have themmmm..

I mean, ideally, why can't the fuckers be detachable so those who don't hate them can put them on when they feel like it and the rest of us can go on our merry way without them, but, heh, science isn't quite there yet.. Next best thing seems like it would be getting top surgery and letting whomever felt like having boobs just stuff a bra when they wanted to. But of course, insurance won't pay for it if it's just because We Really Want It, we'd have to either be Officially Trans TM and jump through all those hoops and hope top surgery is covered, or we'd have to just settle for a breast reduction covered under back pain.

I guess it also Says Something, that so many of us in the system are asexual-and/or-gay dudes, or simply never thought about it and are female "by default" aka because the body was categorized as that and we didn't care enough about gender to think there was any other option, we just accepted the narrative presented to us, that we were just "not like other girls." None of us have ever felt super masculine or super feminine, that I can recall, because What The Fuck Even Is Gender, and why the fuck is it necessary to divide up traits into human-created categories anyway..

But it makes it hard to figure out exactly where we are in terms of transness.. We've known Basically Forever that we "aren't like other girls," but gender means so little to us that we never particularly wanted to be a boy either, so calling ourselves a trans guy or even just non-binary transmasculine still seems odd, even though it seems like the latter should fit..

But then, how much of that is just cisheteronormativity in action? Because I know we've had several dreams wherein we had a wang and it felt pretty natural, not foreign and out of place like the body's current genitalia setup. But like, what the fuck does wang-creating surgery even look like, that sounds like a whole mess of complicated shit to figure out, and we're already medically compromised..

With the arrival of our newest non-straight dude, one of several in the system, some of us have had to seriously reexamine where we stand on gender shit. I guess at this point it's generally accepted that we would have been much better suited to existence as "semi-effeminate AMAB homoflexible non-binary ace," rather than "pan-quoiro AFAB possibly transmasculine non-binary ace"..

I guess it feels like masculine should have been the starting point that we feminized to our liking, instead of starting off with feminine and not knowing if we want to be "masculine enough" to be categorized as "transmasculine".. Is it "masculine enough" if we want the boobs off but can't do HRT because half the shit this other video mentions sounds just as bad as having the boobs? We can't stand body hair and acne and all that, and god knows how HRT would even work with all the hormonal issues the body's already having..

The more I think about what we ultimately would ideally want, the more it seems like we would really just prefer having no AFAB reproductive parts/periods and no boobs, maybe a wang and a lower voice, and that's it. I guess maybe we could try out the aesthetic of some minimal beardage, but body hair in general already irritates several of us.. So like, for various reasons I don't see HRT happening.

We already know most of us would have the boobs off tomorrow if we could, but I guess what's tripping some of us up now is the fact that Vern is way less genitalia-repulsed than most of us, and in fact seems to generally handle the notion of Having A Body better than most of us.. And he definitely identifies as a guy, a non-binary semi-effeminate robot guy but still definitely masc-leaning, so.. What does it say about us if so many of us have already been questioning this for so long, and now the one who's most secure in his gender identity out of all of us is one of our masc-leaning non-binary guys?

I don't even know how we would.. React to it, I guess, if we did try to.. I dunno, embrace being transmasculine or something.. It doesn't feel like we'd prefer to do anything drastically different, behavior-wise, and we don't care enough about pronouns to try to figure out something gender-neutral that isn't "they" because gender-neutral "they" within a plural "they" system is confusing as fuck.. So like, I don't think most of us on the fence about being transmasculine would change our names or whatever, or use he/him pronouns, it would just.. Feel better to not have certain anatomical bits be perceived as part of who we are?

But then that just kind of makes us wonder if we're being a Bad Trans TM or something, like if that counts as reducing gender to body parts or something.. This is all so goddamn complicated.

Hot damn, finally got around to looking up some YouTubeage about how the fuck a phalloplasty actually works.. Taking skin, fat, a nerve, and an artery from the donor site to make it, that sounds so fucking unnerving to even think about, taking body stuff from one area and like.. Making a wang? Ughh, there are so many stages.. Yeah, no, even getting the AFAB reproductive bits out seems like possibly too much intense surgery for us, I don't see how we could ever manage this kind of bottom surgery, shit sounds fucking terrifying, I guess the notion of taking so much shit from another area on the body just kind of gets us in a body horror kind of way..

So yeah, I don't see us being able to do that.. And I mean, we're not really sexually-focused to begin with, so like, aside from just the base-level comfort of Having It, it's not like we'd desperately Need a wang or anything to have a fulfilling life? Just NOT having the AFAB reproductive shit/periods, that would be the main thing, not having that shit and not having the boobs. If we had a lower voice we could pass as a guy if we wanted to, and we'd probably like that, but weighing that one thing against the whole list of other shit that comes with HRT, it's probably not worth it.

But how do you ask for, much less get covered for, removing the boobs and reproductive stuff with no Official Medical Reason, just "because I don't want it"? Non-binary dysphoria doesn't seem like it would be considered a Valid Enough reason for it to be covered, but we don't want to go into a Full Transition either, so.. yeah, I dunno how we'll end up being more comfortable just existing in the body, with so many roadblocks.

I dunno, objectively it's probably internalized transphobia/nb-phobia or whatever the name for that is, not feeling "trans enough" and whatnot.. But I guess part of it is also, why can't we just be a fucking gender mystery and be allowed to exist that way? It's our fucking meatsuit, why do we have to pigeonhole ourselves into either Male or Female just for our insurance to believe that certain bodyparts cause us extreme dysphoria and we'd be better off without them? Why can't we just be a person with no boobs and maybe a wang and a voice that can't be readily identified as male or female?

I dunno why I'm even rambling about this, I know why, cisheteronormativity and various historical fuckeries, et cetera. I guess it's just frustrating trying to figure out where we are on the gender spectrum when we're blocked from making the modifications that would make the body feel less alien to us. Maybe if we could actually get top surgery, we would have a better idea of whether we consider ourselves transmasculine or just some kind of masc-leaning genderfluid non-binary, which is where several of us seem to be right now..

Hnngh. This guy seems like a good example of where we might end up one day if we do end up trying out HRT, but the idea of the body being more of a pain than it already is in terms of body hair/acne/et cetera just seems so shitty..

Haha, is it weird that I'm kind of hoping that ovarian cyst will end up being cancer and they'll give us an option to remove the whole reproductive setup in there? Because we would do that shit in a heartbeat. What's that called, a hysterectomy? A total laparoscopic hysterectomy with bilateral ovary-something-something.. How do you convince insurance that you Need that to improve your quality of life, without establishing yourself as Fully Transitioning?

Wow, this guy's scars are so small, huh, would have thought it'd be worse.. Goddamn, we'd love to have all that shit taken out. Not like we're fucking using any of it, it's just been causing us more and more agony since puberty, can't be doing this fucking 11-day period bullshit anymore, the dysphoria was bad enough on its own..

ugh, why the fuck am I even looking at all this, not like we can do any major surgeries for a while yet, if at all..

I don't know, I guess trying to work out what we would collectively be least-dysphoric with is useful, it's just extra depressing thinking about how hard it'll be to get the boobs off, or even reduced, much less the whole reproductive removal biz.. feh. Time to ramble about something else.

hmph, actually, should probably do the other quiz for that pass/fail class.. -.- That way we can just deal with the resume/goal list bullshit tomorrow, mmmmboy.. meh, that would require more focus than I probably have though, guess it'll be tomorrow.

I dunno. The 10th-to-12th anniversary is fast approaching, probably best to just disappear into distractions a bit longer, at least until it's passed. Still not sure if it'd be best to avoid tumblr or what, on the 12th, but I guess we'll see.. meh.

#this is mostly collective-wide shit but i Cannot Be Fucked to properly tag all this so #i'll just leave this here for now

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