#it's just a branch of a very complicated and scary mental illness

[crayonurchin]

In 2021 I suffered a very severe bought of T-OCD, Transgender OCD.

This is a subset of OCD where, despite having never experienced thoughts of not identifying as your current gender (it can happen to all identities) you are suddenly obsessed with the thought 'what if I'm not this gender'?

The difference between T-OCD and actual trans thoughts, is the reaction. I cannot speak for transgender thoughts but I can speak for T-OCD thoughts. Mine were a constant terrifying fear that I was wrong about my identity, that if I didn't transition RIGHT NOW I would become so depressed I'd kill myself, I had constant intrusive thoughts of my breasts cut off like slices of ham, of my genitals being different, of facial hair and a deep voice and (essentially looking like my dad when he was young)

and it was horrible. I was so frightened of losing my femininity, something I really cherished. I had a couple nights holding scissors about to cut off my very long hair, something I love. I didn't want to do it, but it felt like I HAD to do it, because if I didn't then something very awful would happen.

I tried being called Andrew and wearing mens clothes and I bought a binder and packed my underwear, my thoughts to my body because extremely distorted, referring to my fat as 'blubber' and my breasts as 'udders'. And with all these fearful thoughts, there was absolutely 0 joy in being 'male'. I didn't want it. But it wouldn't go away.

It was one of the worst OCD episodes of my life and it came out of absolutely nowhere.

It's a tricky thing to talk about because there's a fear of hurting transgender people with this. If any fuckwit thinks they can go to their trans family, friend, coworker or stranger and say "are you REALLY trans or is it just OCD", I hope you step on a blowtorch.

But it does nEED to be talked about ,the same way all OCD subsets need to be talked about. This includes R-OCD, P-OCD, True-OCD and Sexuality-OCD. The more we make them 'normal', the less power they'll hold.

I wrote this because I was listening to a song cover and the singers used illustrations of themselves on screen. The female singer was a very pretty illustration, blouse loose around her chest, lips full and painted, gentle pretty eyes and long, volumeous dyed pink hair.

I saw that picture and thought 'she's so pretty, I want to look like that'

And THAT, is a gender thought that is NOT terrifying because it's female based. It's a good thought.

And I'm very happy I got it.

[asuma-kousuke-pics]

Ramblings about Kousuke

Okay so I’m a little hesitant to do this, since it actually goes into some pretty personal stuff of mine but... I really can’t hold back an outpouring of love for Kousuke if I tried so... Here goes.  (Please note: I do mention some of my own personal mental health stuff here so, if anyone isn’t comfortable with that, please feel free to skip this post. I promise we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled Kousuke pictures and videos very soon, especially as I have content from yesterday’s stream).  Also forgive my flowery way of talking. I’m a writer at my core, and sometimes that really, really shows. 

 2015 was, as some already know, the year of the very first Engeki Haikyu!! And the start of a certain someone's career on stage.

At this point I hadn't even heard of Haikyu (though, perhaps I had vaguely spotted the manga on our bookshelves at work, but it was a section I rarely paid much attention to), let alone any of the characters and certainly none of actors playing them on stage.

Within the space of two years however, things would change very rapidly and, eventually lead me in that oddly destined way that life seems to unfold for me, to that one certain actor, Asuma Kousuke.

 Fast forward just a little, to early 2016. After a difficult year previously (and some of my lowest lows yet), I was finally on good tracks again.  I was in a good place. And apparently, I was ready to embrace a brand-new obsession.

Anime and manga.

 I hadn't intended to fall quite so face first, but I guess we all know what that's like. 

I remember, very distinctly seeing a video pop up on my timeline on twitter. Pretty sure most people have seen it. That one where all the members of Engeki Haikyu come up to the camera, in character and say a few things and generally play around. Yeah, that one. I saw that and, though I didn’t even really know Haikyu very well yet, I knew vaguely enough to know where they were from. And I got /that/ feeling. I often talk about fate and destiny and for the most part I probably sound pretty silly, but my instincts are usually right. I remember thinking, ‘… one of you is going to end up being very important. I don’t know which one, and I don’t know in what way. But one of you. Definitely.’

That was the very first time I saw Kousuke. And at that point, I had no idea how right that thought of mine would end up being. Especially since at that point I didn’t even know the name Oikawa Tohru, let alone knowing Asuma Kousuke. But… The wheels were in motion, even then.

 By the end of 2016 I’d fully gotten into Haikyu. I was still wavering on my favourite character at that point, but leaning more and more towards Nishinoya (who in the end has stuck as my favourite, not that I think many people know that!), but the series itself in general had utterly won my heart. Yet, still, apart from the brief glimpses of images and clips I still knew very little about the stage play. Occasionally I’d see a gif or picture and marvel at how perfect everyone looked and how well they captured the characters but mostly I was just interested in the anime.

Then Kuroko no Basuke happened. And… That series would need a whole piece of writing for itself... For reasons I won’t go into here.  But this is when I saw images of the Kuroko no Basuke stage play. And this is where I caught my first sight of the person who was due to really set everything in motion. Kuroba Mario. Instantly blown away by how incredibly perfectly Mario depicted my golden boy Kise. I started looking into the stage and realised the production wasn’t far enough in to feature Akashi yet. For now, I still looked at the stage plays as something else that went on, but I didn’t really get involved in.

 But it was only a couple of months before this would all change.

 In that wonderfully complicated way that life likes to move in, I ended up making friends with someone who was a big fan of Mario. And, since they were a fan of both Kise and Oikawa, I ended seeing a little more of Kousuke too.

And then, quite suddenly I found myself looking more and more into Mario, and realising that actually, yes, I did adore him quite a lot. I also presented Kousuke to my dearest Mei, knowing that Oikawa is her favourite from Haikyu (well… Him and Hinata. So obviously once we got going Kenta would become pretty prominent, but we had a little way to go before that yet.)

Yep. The truth that I think Mei thinks I forget. I did originally present Kousuke to her as ‘her boy’. But me being the natural researcher and ever one to keep digging once I get interested in something, it didn’t take long before I was coming back like ‘uhhh…… so….?? Share?’ I’m lucky that she is much, much better at sharing than I am.

Within days both Mario and Kousuke were popping up everywhere I could possibly talk about them. My phone slowly filling up with images and gifs. First of them as Kise and Oikawa, and then slowly branching into other roles, and then of them themselves. Mario had charmed me completely. But I hadn’t quite realised how much impact Kousuke was having until about two weeks in. Incidentally it was my birthday that I decided I’d finally go tracking down the boys social media pages. It was still Mario I followed first on both Instagram and twitter, but Kousuke was immediately after that. What I hadn’t counted on was a sudden relapse of something I hadn’t had to think of for a while.

That bad year I mentioned in 2015? That was when my anxiety and OCD was at it’s peak. That was the year I let things get so bad, but that I was finally able to recognise that I needed help and, thankful to say, I got it. It was tough, but it was worth it to get the other side of it. I’d been free from those kinds of thinking, for the most part ever since I’d gotten into anime and manga. The odd spike thanks to Attack on Titan (…. Worst series to be into when you have anxiety disorder + a favourite character right?), but mostly I’d been good. Maybe focusing on anime characters was easier than focusing on real people. I guess it was.

 It was while I was quite happily scrolling through Kousuke’s twitter account (mostly with the help of google translate, my Japanese was extremely limited at that point), that it happened.

It’s hard to explain, as I guess most things are when it comes to matters dealing with how a mind works, but I remember that cold feeling creeping up on me. An old kind of fear that I’d used to live with constantly. And with it, the cogs in my brain working overdrive. A panic, realising this was a resurgence of something that had trapped me so long. My brain terrified of something, and it hurriedly trying to come up with ways to prevent it. I can’t speak more specifically because, even if at the time my brain thought it had something specific to fear, it usually is more abstract than that. Awful timing to happen on my birthday, huh? But. This time, I had the tools to deal with it. And, while it was scary, I was able to breathe and calm down and not let these intrusive thoughts take over. Within a couple of hours I was smiling, and kinda laughing a little. In a way it was my brain’s way of telling me THIS BOY!! VERY IMPORTANT!! MUST PROTECT!! So. I guessed there was no point denying how very much Kousuke had taken over my world by then. So I accepted it, with ever gaining relish.

 Now I often and quite happily declare Kousuke to be one of the very best things to have happened to me. One of my most prized possessions is my copy of his photobook, which my dearest Mei bought me for Christmas. It’s precious to me for many reasons. But mostly because it’s one item I can constantly count on to help manage my anxiety. It’s partly the distraction of focusing on something else, partly Kousuke’s smiling face and partly… Just that particular warm feeling I get from Kousuke. If things seem difficult to deal with, or I notice a spike in my anxiety, by the time I’ve made my way through Pop Step Jump I’m a little calmer. And feeling a little bit stronger.

 Kousuke makes me so happy, and I recognise and am so grateful for everything he does for his fans. I’m proud to be part of his fanbase, even if I can’t properly communicate with all of them (I promise, I’m learning as fast as I can!) Kousuke has one of the nicest, warmest and sweetest fanbases I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. You guys are so lovely. And I can’t thank you enough for how unendingly sweet you are to Kousuke. As someone who’s been in too many fanbases that like to tear their own idols to pieces, this is the most heart-warming place to be. My learning of Japanese has picked up at least tenfold since I started following him. From my stubbornness at still watching videos and interviews without subtitles, and of course Kousuke’s many live streams, I’ve found my understanding growing, even if it’s not exactly perfect. I’ve become bolder in my replies to Kousuke on twitter at including Japanese as well as English. I like to think he sees my improvement over time. From someone who could just about type ‘おはよう’ and ‘おやすみ’ to some basic sentences, I also like to think any mistakes I do make will make him smile as he sees me trying my best.

 I won’t say my anxiety never picks up again. I especially get concerned about missing live streams to the point I think I’ve accidentally made myself ill on occasion. This may sound selfish of me, but this is my inferiority complex at work, and the fear of not doing enough. Please be assured, the standards I set for myself are in no way standards I place on anyone else. I only EVER expect these things from myself, no one else. In fact, I’ll probably think you better than me no matter what. I always want to do as much as humanly possible for Kousuke. That’s probably the only way my anxiety manifests with Kousuke, which, if you’d known me in years past, is actually pretty impressive.

 It’s hard to sum up when I’ve already said so much, and yet so much still feels unsaid. I hope I’ve gotten across at least some of the love and adoration I have for Kousuke. Of how he came into my life, and made it better. How he’s made me stronger and happier in many ways. And how I hope to keep on supporting him, the best ways I know how to. I truly, truly hope I get to thank him in person one day (even if there’s no way I could possibly convey it all, but that’s okay). 

 大好き遊馬くん, ありがとうございます。

And thank you anyone who took the time to read this. ♥ Back to your regularly scheduled posts very soon! - Aka. 

[thislifeisyours-ifyouwantit]

7/21/2020

If anyone ever finds this, the following mentions suicide. Please take care of yourself. This is my recount of discovering that Ante’s many attempts at suicide finally were successful.

~~~~~~~~~~

It has been 6 days since Ante Meridian, who went by Yashka Ante Meridian, died by suicide. Since this is my personal blog and I do not tag this for anyone to find, more importantly I don’t want anyone to find this blog in the first place, I will recount everything I know since that day.

It was 7:30 PM on July 15th. I was just getting in my car to go to the gym after a several hours of homework. Earlier that day I had an argument with my roommate, Emily, about her being reckless and going to a place infested with COVID-19... So I did not pick up the call from an “Emily” at 3:30 earlier that afternoon. 

Hailey, one of Ante’s friends and my own, messaged me on Snapchat. “Hey do you know anyone in Ellensburg or CWU?”

I replied, “Yeah why, did something happen?”

Without warning... Hailey told me the blunt truth. “Ante committed suicide earlier today.”

I felt my heart drop, and panic set in. This wasn’t the first time I’ve run into Ante being extremely mentally ill and threatening and/or attempting suicide. But this is the first time someone else told me about this... About them. I didn’t think that one day, they would be successful. 

I called Hailey, panicked. It was a rumor spreading among friends- that it was confirmed Ante had committed suicide. I ran over to their house which was only down the street. I called the number posted at their door; a roommate had left it.

The roommate confirmed this is true.

I went home and sat in my car, crying my eyes out. I called everyone I knew: Helena, Danny, my parents... It’s ironic, because 4 days prior, the last conversation I would ever have with Ante was about asserting a boundary with talking to my mom. It was about how they shouldn’t talk to my parents if they aren’t talking to me. I didn’t know that was the last conversation I would have with them. Now my mom keeps talking about how Ante posted a comment on her wall... And I don’t have the ability to tell her that I told them not to talk to her... Because I feel like my parents would blame me for their suicide. 

(For the record: I don’t regret asserting my boundary, which was important. I regret that that’s the last thing we had ever talked about).

I cried on and off that entire day. I cried on my way back to the west side, where currently I reside. I did not sleep a single hour that night. Even now I’m paranoid that their soul is watching me. Strange.

The days that followed were nothing like I was used to. Grief is funny that way. I was nauseated and didn’t want to eat much. I’m still experiencing bouts of nausea. I’ve been sleeping non-stop, and even after I wake up I’m still exhausted. The first two days after they died, I acted as a temporary liaison between Ante’s family and the roommates, as the roommates were struggling very much... And I also planned a vigil for the 25th. I even visited Emily- which brings me back to, I missed the original call Emily had sent me, at 3:30 that day. My roommate and their grandmother shared the same name, so I didn’t pick up that important call. I would’ve known sooner.

At first I tried to remain productive because that’s all I ever know. Throw myself into something when something traumatic is happening. But the days after really showed how it took a toll on me. It still is. I don’t really think they’re gone. I haven’t processed they’re gone, even though I read the police report given to me by Amanda, their cousin. I feel as if my brain is struggling to accept it’s real. At first I dissociated hardcore for days on end, and tried to snap myself out of it by seeking suicide-related stuff (DDLC Sayori, Aokigahara Forest etc) and researching the terminology behind their death in the police report. Purposefully trying to trigger myself just to feel something. I still can’t tell if what I did in response- the extreme need to look at violence- was a response to stopping my dissociation, as I wanted to accept what happened, or if it was self-destructive. Maybe both.

The scary part is I don’t feel much of anything when I look at suicide stuff now. That’s probably an indicator I’m still dissociating. Usually that content is highly triggering.

Max stayed with me a couple of nights, but right now he might be positive of COVID-19 due to contact with a small outbreak in his store. He’s not displaying symptoms and neither am I so that’s good, but he got tested yesterday so we’ll see in 3-5 days. 

I feel as if I’m one of the rare people who knows how they died. Reading that police report would stop my imagination from seeing the worst, that’s why I asked for it from Amanda. They hung themselves via a belt in the backyard from a branch. The roommates didn’t even find them- somehow, a small fire had begun on the back deck, which alerted the firefighters to drop by. That’s how they were found. They had to wake up the roommate after it all had happened. Ante was already long gone by the time firefighters had gotten there. 

There was a suicide note. It was surprisingly short. That’s how you know Ante’s attempted this several times, aside from the fact I know they’ve attempted a couple of times and written several suicide notes before. I think they thought they wouldn’t be successful again, and that’s why it was so short. 

“I have found a lot of comfort in the color orange. A sunset. A glowing cigarette. I loved this world but cannot continue. My name was Yashka Ante Meridian.” Signed and dated. 

I don’t know what else to say, other than grieving when you saw this coming (due to years of experience of knowing them, knowing they had BPD, bipolar and schizophrenia/psychosis) & grieving when you are already traumatized is so different. Everyone else easily weeps. I weep day in, day out, especially on walks listening to music... But this is so much more complicated, because of our previous relationship. Even their family confirmed that they felt that one day, this would happen. 

I spent 4 years of our relationship trying to get them to be better. They did try- psychiatrists, counselors, meds, other coping strategies- but when you have that horrid cocktail of mental problems, sometimes it isn’t enough. 

Do I think they’re weak? Partially, in all honesty. A part of me knows they’ve always wanted this peace, that they’ve always wanted to be dead for years. I also know they suffered for so long, and this may have been their only way of relief. But if I imagine myself talking to them (I do often), I am often mad. In a matter-of-fact way, with no pity or longing. I am mad that they caused this so much pain for others. I am mad that I feel like they wouldn’t understand that because we hadn’t talked much, that didn’t mean I didn’t care. I am angry that it’s possible they thought I wouldn’t grieve so much. 

My dad said that suicide was the most selfish act. All I can think to myself is, it’s so selfish to not understand someone like I do, and judge them solely on how they affected others. Not a lot of people understood just how much Ante had suffered, but I did, I always did. I can’t really forgive my father for saying that, because he doesn’t realize that this might have been the only way for Ante to feel relief.

All I can do from this point onward is take it one day at a time. Today was the first day I actually did my school work.

[tance]

Common Law Marriage

Probably any family law attorney or divorce lawyer in Utah will tell you: there is no such thing as a common law marriage in Utah. There is a such a thing as a marriage like relationship in Utah. You have to go to court to get this done. You need evidence that you have held yourselves out as a married couple. Call us to talk about how it’s done.

Unsealed Court Records Reveal Insights

The high-profile case of death-row inmate Ron Lafferty just got cracked wide open, with records and court documents from the trial now available to the public thanks to a federal judge’s ruling.  The article in the Deseret News explains why case details, professional opinions and psychiatric evaluations were originally sealed and why opening these records to the public helps to keep our judicial system transparent.

Last fall, several local media filed a petition to unseal the records that would open dozens of documents to the public and lawyers in Utah alike. The federal judge in the current case agreed to unseal the records because he believes that Lafferty is indeed of sound mind and does not suffer from a mental illness “that impedes his ability to communicate and help his lawyers in Utah prepare his case. ” Many of the documents contain medical and psychiatric opinions about the condemned criminal’s mental health and legal arguments over whether he was fit to stand trial and competent to move ahead with a federal review of his case. Sixty-nine documents and 17 formerly secret docket entries have been sprung wide for all to see.

Salt Lake City media attorneys argue that access to the records and documents  promotes accountability and confidence in the judicial process – ideals that are integral to a working justice system in the US, especially in cases such as Lafferty’s, where the penalty is death. With such high stakes, it is imperative that these decisions and rulings not be held in a vacuum of closed courtrooms and secret meetings between privileged judges and lawyers in Utah.

The petition to open the records was filed last October on behalf of the Deseret News, KSL-TV, the Salt Lake Tribune and the Utah Headliners chapter of the Society of Professional Journalists. The records had been sealed in 2009 at Lafferty’s attorneys’ request when questions about their client’s mental competency began. The attorneys argued that they shouldn’t be forced to disclosed attorney-client information and that Lafferty’s privacy concerning his mental health should be respected. At the time, the judge agreed to seal the records. Salt Lake City media attorney Jeff Hunt didn’t necessarily agree with the move, noting that closing the court records as a default position runs contrary to the First Amendment, which assumes that court proceedings will be open to the public. Lawyers in Utah may claim attorney-client privilege, but the proceedings brought out in a courtroom don’t necessary fall under that designation.  In a case where the defendant’s life is at stake, Hunt saw opening the records as a way to promote responsible decision making. He also said that it would hold the judicial system accountable for its proceedings – a very American ideal, indeed.

Lawyers in Utah look on as this case and its records can now be unpacked by the media, your next door neighbor, and anyone else who wants to weigh in – and most everyone wants to. The case itself is one of extreme notoriety. Claiming that they were directed by God, Lafferty and his brother have been found to have been responsible for the deaths of their sister-in-law and her fifteen-month old daughter in 1984 by slashing their throats. Having exhausted his appeals in state court, Lafferty and his attorneys will prepare for a federal review.

Free Consultation with Divorce Lawyer in Utah

If you have a question about divorce law or if you need to start or defend against a divorce case in Utah call Ascent Law at (801) 676-5506. We will fight for you.

Ascent Law LLC8833 S. Redwood Road, Suite CWest Jordan, Utah 84088 United StatesTelephone: (801) 676-5506

Ascent Law LLC

4.9 stars – based on 67 reviews

More Divorce Information

How to Get Custody of Your Child in Utah

Collections and Bankruptcy

Contract Drafting Basics

FLP vs LLC

Grounds for Divorce in Utah

Expunging Records in Utah

From http://www.ascentlawfirm.com/common-law-marriage/

from https://familylawattorneyut.wordpress.com/2018/03/31/common-law-marriage/

[500-challenge]

21

I’m currently hiding from my toddler. It’s class night, normally when I return home she’s fast asleep and I get a few sweet hours of alone time. I tend to just chill, read a book, think about the class I just taught, what worked, what didn’t, think of modifying it for tomorrow, if I actually have students show up, and just enjoy the quiet. The wonderful quiet. I can hear her up there, chattering and talking to my husband, making demands. Bedtime isn't going very well tonight, which is rare, my husband has a real talent for getting her to sleep. Every once in a while she doesn’t comply. At what point do I just give up and go assist this poor man? I’m giving it at least another 20 minutes before I dare step up the creaky staircase and risk having to start from square one with her.

I think about people who have many kids, I have a friend who had three kids in three and a half years and I don’t understand how she made it through that time. I think of my father, the oldest of ten children and I can’t even comprehend what my grandmother was dealing with. How she did that, no really, how? It wasn’t until I had my own kid that I became incredibly sad, thinking about my grandmother, because she died when I was 24, and had been lost to Alzheimer’s for several years prior. She was this wealth of information about children and babies and she would have been such an amazing person to know if the timing of my pregnancy and her life could have lined up better. The tumultuous relationship between my mother and my father dug a big wedge between us and our grandparents, aunts, and uncles. While my grandmother never turned her back on my sister and I, and was kind to my mother, the tension between my mother and that whole branch of my family was palpable. So, we stayed away. I barely knew her.

I could write a million words about the things that happened to my sister and I during our childhood, and at the end of it still feel as confused as when I started. Memories are really a memory of a memory, each sequential replay of an experience being influenced by the emotional state you held during the last time you had that memory. Each time you remember it’s like your living it all over again, with a new lens. That’s part of why PTSD is so complicated, one person can relive something over and over and never break free from their trauma, another person can, it’s completely individual and follows a set of patterns simultaneously. I’ve never been diagnosed with PTSD, but people I love and care about have, what they go through is so intense, so scary. Treatments are becoming more and more effective as we learn more and more about the mind. Which is one reason why when I think about the fact that there’s a large faction of people in this country who don’t believe that the poor should be able to see a doctor, that healthcare is privilege that must be earned, I get really angry. Have they ever cared for someone who cannot function without a solid plan for mental healthcare and access to doctors, follow ups, therapists, and possibly medications? Have they? Have they ever watched someone they love struggle with mental illness with no way of receiving treatment? Some people literally can’t work, they can’t pull themselves up from their bootstraps, they can’t brush it off and get a job, especially a job that gives them enough money to live on and the kind of extensive benefits packages that cover things like mental health care and expensive medications. What about them? I’m completely okay with paying money into a system that supports them. Without even a second thought, I’m happy to pay more to make sure that my neighbors, the people around me in my community are taken care of. It’s called having a social conscience and if that makes me some kind of “liberal elite” then I’ll wear that shit like a badge of honor. It’s the only time in my life I’ve been likened to anyone with a lot of money, so sign me the fuck up. I grew up poor. No really. Maybe I’m not living in a slum in India, but I know what starvation feels like. So, if I have to put money into a system so kids like me can eat once a day, I’ll gladly do it. What I can’t do? I can’t explain to someone why they should care about others, perhaps they should check their bibles or their beliefs and figure out why they have such a problem with that.