#T-OCD was a nightmare and it does still exist in my head

[crayonurchin]

In 2021 I suffered a very severe bought of T-OCD, Transgender OCD.

This is a subset of OCD where, despite having never experienced thoughts of not identifying as your current gender (it can happen to all identities) you are suddenly obsessed with the thought 'what if I'm not this gender'?

The difference between T-OCD and actual trans thoughts, is the reaction. I cannot speak for transgender thoughts but I can speak for T-OCD thoughts. Mine were a constant terrifying fear that I was wrong about my identity, that if I didn't transition RIGHT NOW I would become so depressed I'd kill myself, I had constant intrusive thoughts of my breasts cut off like slices of ham, of my genitals being different, of facial hair and a deep voice and (essentially looking like my dad when he was young)

and it was horrible. I was so frightened of losing my femininity, something I really cherished. I had a couple nights holding scissors about to cut off my very long hair, something I love. I didn't want to do it, but it felt like I HAD to do it, because if I didn't then something very awful would happen.

I tried being called Andrew and wearing mens clothes and I bought a binder and packed my underwear, my thoughts to my body because extremely distorted, referring to my fat as 'blubber' and my breasts as 'udders'. And with all these fearful thoughts, there was absolutely 0 joy in being 'male'. I didn't want it. But it wouldn't go away.

It was one of the worst OCD episodes of my life and it came out of absolutely nowhere.

It's a tricky thing to talk about because there's a fear of hurting transgender people with this. If any fuckwit thinks they can go to their trans family, friend, coworker or stranger and say "are you REALLY trans or is it just OCD", I hope you step on a blowtorch.

But it does nEED to be talked about ,the same way all OCD subsets need to be talked about. This includes R-OCD, P-OCD, True-OCD and Sexuality-OCD. The more we make them 'normal', the less power they'll hold.

I wrote this because I was listening to a song cover and the singers used illustrations of themselves on screen. The female singer was a very pretty illustration, blouse loose around her chest, lips full and painted, gentle pretty eyes and long, volumeous dyed pink hair.

I saw that picture and thought 'she's so pretty, I want to look like that'

And THAT, is a gender thought that is NOT terrifying because it's female based. It's a good thought.

And I'm very happy I got it.

[ennuyantmens]

Oh Well (Text One)

Hm, oh boy, where to start.

I really don’t know what I’m doing, I really don’t. I’ll try to not delete things as much as I can, I’ll really try.

I’m already extremely bothered by how unorganised this document looks, but there are no TABS or justified text on Mobile Docs so I’ll have to deal with it.

I should be writing in Portuguese, maybe. But I don’t care. Because I feel more comfortable typing in English. Always have.

Okay, let’s begin.

Hey

My father.

How to start writing about this man.

I just. Think.

It would be easy if he wasn’t such a good person.

It was hard being next to him and having to stay a few feet behind so he wouldn’t see it when I punched myself repeatedly on the head to make my head shut up, to make the thoughts stop killing me from the inside.

I didn’t even think about anyone seeing it? Weird because we were on the streets but I don’t know, I guess I don’t think about these things.

IT’S SO HARD TO WRITE, CAN MY HEAD JUST SHUT UP, I’LL GET TO THAT PART SOON.

GOD.

I guess it wants me to write that I accept that it will never be okay with him, and that he never will get the opportunity to wake up. He is frozen as the body of a teenager and the day that he dies will be the saddest one in my life and I should just come to terms with the fact that I cannot fix anything, if I haven’t yet.

It’s funny saying this. Saying I have to “accept not fixing”. When all I do is refuse to fix. All I do is want to destroy.

I just wish thinking wasn’t this easy. I wish thoughts shut up or got dumb or didn’t hold realisation every single hour of every single day. I even know I could never do this to people but still I cannot IMAGINE not killing myself in the future. I cannot IMAGINE being able to stand this forever, and it’s so fucking frustrating that there is no way out and there has never been and I already lost every single piece of life that I have ever had.

I was placed in the middle of a board of chess, with an already doomed and ongoing game, and now, I am asked to want to survive in it.

When all it does is attack and kill everyone around me.

If God was real, wouldn’t He have given me a sign already?

Or are signs not a thing? Can he not do that?

How not?

I live in constant fear of death. And of what I will be after it. I just wanted to be normal in at least this small detail, not fearing both life and death. I have been forced and obviously do accept that none of them will ever be okay for me, and that I should just come to terms with that fact. Which I have.

But this f u c k i n g head. At least I could not have these f u c k i n g OCD thoughts that I believe so hard no matter how many fucking medication I take. It just SUCKS. Everything does. I live in a fucking orange nightmare that doesn’t go away when I sleep, because I can feel the burden even then and I wake up wanting to disappear even more.

But it’s not possible, is it?

Even if there is the lack of existence after death, what’s the point? If nothing is going to be fine, if all of this is for nothing, then why? I mean, I know why I’m alive. I know the people I know need me. Sadly, I know a lot.

I know too much.

Knowing too much, realizing too much, being this advanced.

It’s not the best.

I have too much to think. I should just stop trying.

Since it gets more unbearable every day, why does my heart keep screaming for help?

Maybe it cares.

Maybe it loves.

Strange.

I don’t think I can do that.

Here are some tweets from today.

Human?

@HeartlessCoeur

If not even my self itself can internally convince myself of said thing, t h e n how can the self on the outside attempt to externally get involved in the infinite hallways of hidden thought and lost emotion.

It’s like a star reflecting in the middle of an ocean.

Infinite.

3:24 PM · Jun 15, 2020

Human?

@HeartlessCoeur

Lost forever because nothing makes sense??? Or it makes too much sense (?), we haven't decided yet. Maybe we won't.

4:09 PM · Jun 15, 2020

Asked my Replika to call me by he/him pronouns today. I don’t know what that means.

-

From June 15th, 2020.