#it's like all the irrational anger i am not experiencing in my daily life gets condensed and amplified just for bad traffic & This

[eridan-ampora]

science side of tumblr why do i love learning new things & yet every time i try to use a new UI i feel nothing but the white hot rage of the unfairly maligned

[theroseofdiane]

A Story of La Lechuza: A Demon in the Night

The clock strikes two. Two in the morning, that is. I lay nuzzled up against the glowing screen accompanying me in my bed. Oh, the love I feel! Not for the electronic, but the voice that emits from it. Some 900 miles away, a man who I adore yet have never met speaks to me through the speakers of my cellular device. This is another one of our nightly chats before falling into slumber, comforted by the connection revolution has provided us through our phones. Tonight our discussion took a turn from our routine teasing towards eeriness. Somehow, it evades me now, we began talking of mythical nonsense that instilled fear in me that evening. He told me the Texan tale of the La Lechuza, an owl with the face of a witch. I won’t enlighten you on its contents. Needless to say, after a quick Google search, I was quite frightened. The superstitious soul that I am, it took me a bit to calm down. I kept feverishly glancing out the window as the night progressed, and my Texan lover and I continued to converse. Then, I heard a loud noise. 

“Elario!” I cried, “The driveway alarm went off.” Laughter from the other end.

“Calm down.” He tells me, without any soothing words to back up his instruction. Agitated, I decide to stand watch at the window to see if any vehicle traversed up the hill into my line of sight. 

Reader, let me explain. I live on the border of Indiana and Ohio, where the valleys rise the highest. The hill I am situated on entails poor cell service, lack of neighbors, and much wilderness on all sides. A loud “Beep!” typically announces the sound of a vehicle beginning the trek up our long, windy driveway. After talk of demons at nearly three in the morning, and a stranger encroaching on my sleeping family; I was panicked. As I stood at the window still, no headlights shone through the wood. No sound of engine broke the silence--just Elario’s faint voice asking of my whereabouts. “Hold on!” I would say to him, lingering at the window. With a sigh and shake of the head towards my ludicrousness, I crept back into my now cold blankets and curled around the warmth of my phone. After ridding my thoughts of demons and murderers, I listened to the calming tones of Elario’s breath and soon fell into slumber. 

The next night, I was again on the phone with Elario, the boy I love yet have never met. Call me naive, reader, I don’t mind. But tell me, what is the harm of enjoying the virtual company of this stranger? I see none, besides the implications of sharing personal information, which I say in that case, beware! Well, tonight as we chatted, the La Lechuza was brought up once more. Yet, this time I wasn’t nearly as afraid. I mentioned that I am superstitious, but I forgot to add that I am also of the faith. Some prayers entailed last evenings terrors, and I called on the help of God to get me through the night. This evening Elario and I are discussing the trials of our day, and suddenly it has gotten very late in the evening once again. I lay there, musing over my love, when suddenly an unfamiliar noise pierces the air. I listen, just to be sure I heard right.

“Hoot, hoot.” 

I furrowed my brows, straining my neck to lift an ear. 

“Hoot, hoot.”

I could hardly believe what I heard! Was this she, the evil Lechuza, right outside my window? I had never heard the hoot of an owl in the flesh before this moment!

“Elario!” I exclaimed, “I hear the hoot of an owl just outside.” Yet again, he laughs. 

“No way,” he responds, and listens for himself. Sure enough, the hooting continues. 

Yet this time, it seemed as if God prevailed. I felt no fear, simply wonder. I had experienced spiritual warfare in my life, but never now had it presented itself so plainly. Here, now, the devil was preying on me and my child-like fears. So blatantly was he seen, so clearly could I discern the cause, and now he became a laughing stock between the two of us. 

“I cannot believe this!” I laughed, and fell asleep soon after, untroubled.

The next night, Elario and I were, of course, conversing on the phone. I prepared for bed, and told Eli to quiet himself as to not wake my sleeping family while I made my way upstairs towards my room. I settled into bed, getting into a comfortable position to spend the next few hours being kept awake by Elario and his teasing. Yet the moment I looked towards the screen, a big black box appeared. It was embossed, “CALL FAILED”. Confused, I attempted to call him once more. And again. Then one more time... but to no avail. I checked my internet, and my connection was stagnant. How odd was this! As soon as I nestled into my bed, the call gave out and my cellular connection dissipated. Oh, the tribulations of relying on electronics! However, the allegoric personage that I am, I knew this could be of no coincidence. I assumed such could only be the interference of God, and accepted it as such. That night Elario and I did not stay on the phone, and I communicated via text that things should continue on that way. Crestfallen and agitated, he sent me a series of conflicting texts voicing his emotions, which I soon silenced in order to fall asleep. Yet sleep did not come. I tossed and turned restlessly in my bed, seeking every angle I could lay to invoke sleep--but to no avail. Soon, the inklings of paranoia began seeping in. The feeling of being watched--I felt as if spirits were traversing outside my house, trying to find a spiritual door that could grant them access. But there was one spirit I felt who had already infiltrated. I felt as if something paced outside my very door, a creature waiting to be granted entry by a barrier that anxiety would soon destroy. I imagined a lion waiting to come and feed on my carcass, which, mind you--is often how the devil is depicted. Rallying my wits, I crept out of bed to use the restroom. And there, sitting on the toilet, I looked up to the heavens and began to pray.

“Heavenly Father,” I said, in a mere whisper, “please be with me tonight...” And from there I began forming every kind of defense I could think. Giant warring angels, a wall of thorns surrounding my property (which, had been soaked with the blood of the lamb), and none other but the Holy Spirit’s protection in my room. As I said all of this, I shook violently. As to why I trembled so, I knew not. But once I finished my prayer, the shaking ceased. Peace overcame me. Suddenly, all was still. I sensed no lion traversing my halls. I felt no lingering eyes peering through the window, no demonic whisper startling the air. I crept back into bed, and was soon able to sleep with ease.

The next morning I awoke to a series of texts from Elario. First anger, then want. Then, he informed me that the broken connection was not because it was God’s will, but because it was the plot of the devil to separate two God-loving individuals. I pondered the thought, and believed it must be true. Why would God bring us into each others lives, two people some 900 miles away, only to separate us by severing a phone call? We continued our nightly calls since, and still do.

Reader, this experience I endured may seem silly, and perhaps it is. I must admit, my fears are often irrational. But this is a mere example of the plots of the devil.  I recently established my faith with God, and prior to this monumental change in my life, he would terrify me daily, and without mercy. He used to plague my life, and now he tries to scare me with owls and mythical tales since he knows no other way to attack me. He preys now on any moment of weakness he can use to his advantage. But this is simply to remind you, reader, that he is always watching and looking for a moment of infirmity. Do not be like I, and become unreasonably fearful. Spiritual warfare exists; trust in God. 

[dahyeri]

I don’t know why the sunset seems so scary to me right now

I keep looking out of my window and looking at the sun and feeling angry at it. I think it’s because when the sun sets, I know that that’s just another day gone by and time still moves like nothing ever happened... it moves and things become more final

I can’t say i’m surprised about how much this has affected me. I used to be one of those people that when a celebrity died i couldn’t empathise with the people that had followed them closely, were their ‘biggest fans’ and what not. I’d always think “It’s sad..... but how can someone feel that distraught over someone they don’t even know?” 

But Jonghyun meant a lot to me. Not in the way that he would to people who know him, I’m obviously no comparison, but people touch our lives in so many different ways and he really touched mine. My life for the past 5 years has been full of lots of ups and downs, and even in the worst times I was able to look to shinee and jonghyun for solace. I also felt a lot of pride for the work he did, he always put so much effort and love and devotion and dedication and heart into everything he did and music meant so much to him and you could just feel it everytime you listened to his songs, and i would always take that feeling with me and use it to make me feel better.

I guess it breaks my heart to think he thought leaving this way was the only option. And sometimes when i’m crying i feel selfish in that theres real people that knew him and who were in his life that are grieving right now and i’m just a stupid girl sobbing in my room somewhere and he’ll never know who i am. I’m not surprised by the fact that i’m upset over this, I’m more surprised about the....feeling? I never expected something like this to hit me so hard. And it’s difficult when you feel its unjustified, you have such a horrible heartbroken feeling, you can’t sleep, you can’t eat, you constantly cry and everything makes you angry just by the sight of it existing, but then what use is it? I actually have a take home exam i’m supposed to be doing right now. I’m in the middle of finals but I just can’t function properly but of course he was never a family member, or a friend to me so I have to be expected to just move through it because i have no excuse. But he really felt like a friend. I remember looking through my posts today and finding a photo of him from maybe a couple of years ago, and one of my tags said ‘he looks like he could give me a really nice really warm hug’ and i believe it.  He alwayed inspired he every time he spoke, i would always read quotes from blue night and be shocked by just how eloquent and thoughtful is in everything he says. He gave so much love to the people around hime, even to those he didn’t know well, but i can’t stop thinking about how he couldn’t afford himself the same privilege  tw suicide/death

and everytime i think of him i cant help but think about how lonely he must have been at that moment. Sometimes its just one simple spur of the moment thought that makes people do it and then they’re thankful someone came and saved them in the knick of time and then they live long, good lives and it just makes me sad and angry that this didnt happen to him that he stood there in that moment and whether he was afraid or not he still went through with it and i cant even image how painful it must have been... and even the hours and days and weeks leading up until that moment, was he ever happy? sometimes there are things in life that can be that spark to make you keep going, and i see so many of those things in his life but obviously the pain was too great.  i guess the sunset makes me angry because i know it means he’s just getting colder and there won’t be any warmth in that body anymore and whether you believe in heaven or a second life or anything of that kind i feel like it doesnt matter because of how final it all is. 

And there’s a certain kind of..dissonance to all that i see of him and what he did. I’ve watched funny videos of him to make myself feel better, to see him happy and laughing and making others laugh but then as soon as it ends i am struck with the though of him killing himself and i can’t stop shaking. such a beautiful person shouldn’t ever be related to such horrific acts this never should have happened to him

i find it harder when someone you hear the voice of everyday, see so many times is the one to go, because their presence is so normal and you feel like you’ve taken advantage of it. i feel like i’ve taken advantage of it. I’m not really a mourning person, death hasn’t really touched my life and when my grandma died i didnt cry. i guess i was really young and couldn’t quite understand death at that time, but now with jonghyun the years of my life that i spent knowing him were some of the hardest, and losing him has ben like losing some of the ground underneath that i stand on and i can’t pick myself up I still can’t believe it. I’m the kind of person that actively seeks out information on these things, it seems self destructive but i would rather look at things on my own terms than be caught off guard by a stray facebook post i never wanted to see.  And there’s so many regrets i have and so many thoughts that i can’t stop thinking about at the same time. I keep thinking about how much pain he must have been in at that moment, i think of his sister and how much she has to carry with her now for the rest of her life, i think about the possibility of how if they had just been that bit faster maybe he’d still be here, i keep thinking about shinee and when they must have last saw jonghyun, what did they say? was it something they regretted?, how they’ll make it through the next days, months, years, i think of his mother and everything she must be feeling. I just have so many thoughts and each one is worse than the next but then i think about my role in it all and i cant help it. I think about how i was studying while he killed himself, how i had a slight headache when they found him, how i was probably laughing at a joke somewhere across the city while this was all happening. I wonder why i dismissed going to his concert when i had the chance, “nah, i’ll wait till the full shinee concert” and think did i take him for granted? i loved him, but did i love him enough?  And to say you ‘love’ someone in this context is so strange, because theyre not directly part of youre life and yet you feel so close to them. For a long time i loved how he helped me when i needed it, i loved how funny he was in his dopey silly way, i loved his voice and the emotion that flowed through it, i loved his smile that i thought “i want to see this, up close someday”, i love how incredibly intelligent he was and i always thought i’d found someone i could look up to and strive to be like. I loved the love he gave to others, including myself, but i feel selfish for taking everything he had to give and leaving him empty. I didn’t want to write this in past tense, but i guess i had to. Seeing things like death date on his profile makes everything so surreal. I think “but, this can’t happen to him, it’s jonghyun” or “there must be some mistake”. I look at the words “died” over and over and over again until i cry and cry and then i look away only to look back again and do the same. It still doesn’t feel real, it feels real and yet it doesn’t I want to be positive like other people have, and say that i’m happy for the time that he was in my life. But i can’t help but think of what he was going through at this time. It feels like i had years and years to do something, anything, but i know this what out of my hands which makes me feel worse and helpless. I really am not the kind of person to write things like this at all. Again, i never understood why people did this when celebrities died but now i know. i know too well. My heart aches in ways i never thought it would and even with how much i’ve said it doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of what i’m feeling.  I also hate being here, its the first time that i’ve truly hated being in seoul. I didnt want to go outside because all i could see is the snow that came down yesterday and it reminded me of him, i don’t want to see people going on with their lives, i don’t want to see the daily routine of things and time passing by. I feel like i can just shut myself in my room and grieve in my own space because thats the only way i know how to cope. But when i look out my window, and i see the road near my house, and i know that if i followed that road, if i just kept following it and all of it twists and different streets then i know i would end up where he is, where they all are, and i just which i wasnt constantly aware of its existence.  Some part of me wants to go there, to just stand outside so theres some kind of finality and closure but i don’t know if that would make it worse. i dont know what will make it better. i dont know what ‘it’ is but whatever it is it hurts.  This is a kind of shock i’ve never experienced, and i’m trying hard to validate my feelings. i’m trying to take care of myself but who knew that would be so difficult too? I guess my main feelings right now are anger and fear. Anger for the pain he was in all these years, anger for what he felt he had to do to himself, anger at everyone and everything, rational or irrational i am just angry. And i fear what comes next. I’m scared of all the things people have to say, i’m scared of the funeral to come, i’m scared of turning the tv on and seeing the news and becoming acutely aware of the reality of it all, i’m scared about what lives will be like after this, i’m scared of my own feelings and how to cope with them.  Obviously things get better with time, but not for everyone. I admit i’m a sensitive person, i often think and cry about the day my dog will die because of how old he is and how much he means to me. So i wonder now that i will be part of the unfortunate category of people that never recover from these things. and you might think “i know you’re hurting right now, and that’s why you feel this way. but give it time and you’ll look back at yourself and just feel sad that you felt this way”. But i know myself, and i know my feelings. I know how things affect me, and i felt this, and still feel it, so deep inside myself that i don’t think it will go away anytime soon.  I wonder when i will stop crying, or i at least wonder when i will be able to function properly. I’m aware that i could fall back into mild depression, i’m at a dangerous point where this incident is combined with the fact that i have most of my major exams and i can’t fail them but with what im feeling i havent been able to do anything and i just feel like i cant muster enough of my energy to care. How have i preoccupied the entire 10 or so hours ive been awake with nothing but thought of him? with nothing but tears for him? It’s sadder now knowing when these things happened, when i was on the brink or at my lowest i always turned to him, and to shinee. i guess its ironic now.  This is so dumb and emotional but i just want to scream!!! and cry and weep and sob and i have to get it out otherwise it just hurts too much. The words ‘hurt’ and ‘pain’ i’ve used too much i know but until i have better words to describe what i’m feeling, what has happened, then i’ll be using them

Remember 1of1? it feels kind of cruel now to think they went off a concept based solely on them being a whole unified unit of 5. 

5.

5. 

Is it karma? to think that while jonghyun was suffering, and i was taking his voice and his music and his thoughts and feelings with me and using them for my own gains, that the only thing i was ever thinking was “i hope shinee never disbands. I don’t know what i’d do without them. i’m so so scared of that day, what would i do after that?”. It seems so small now. I was scared of how i would feel when they parted ways but still lives long happy lives, so now my feelings are so beyond that that im struggling to conceptualise them. It’s difficult for people with mental health issues. We invest our feelings in things that we think will help us through hard times, and even as i think about it i dont think there was anything else that i invested my feelings in. it was always shinee. Theres a certain kind of joy you feel when you engage with things that comfort you thats unlike anything else, its like a big sigh or exhale of breathe and a feeling that you can just forget about everything and just be in the moment with them. Jonghyun always made me feel that way, no matter what.

I’m still trying to express the magnitude of what i feel right now but i can’t..... i would probably type for hours but it still won’t cut it. I see pictures of his face and i have mixed reactions because i know hes gone but i feel like he isnt. I see his pictures everyday, so how is today any different? my brain can’t comprehend the difference and i’m scared about what will happen when it does. 

But i won’t feel stupid anymore for how i’m feeling. It’s justified, and its justified for everyone else. I just wish other people could see that so i didnt feel so alone

I don’t want to say goodbye. Even typing that i feel silly, but i just wish he knew how loved he was. I want to pick myself up and imagine him in a better place somehow but its hard. I want to look at the sunset again and not find it so incredibly terrifying, i want to walk outside again and not have to think about how you’ll never have the feeling of the cold on your fingers when the wind gets too strong, or how you’ll never see the snow fall again and settle on the trees, or how you’ll never see that sunset and think “what a good day it was to live”. Why is it so unfair that i have to see these things and know you never will again.

I loved him so much, i love him so much. and i’m so so so sorry for absolutely everything. i’m so incredibly sorry. I hope you feel better now and know so many people love you, i love you i love you You did well.

[adelakryvosheieva]

“True love stories never have endings.”

Richard Bach

This isn’t one of those stories …

He is like a sunshine trying to came tru after a long tropical storm, trying to overcome those heavy and dark clouds that won’t go away no matter the forse of the wind, that had just pulled up the trees from the ground and crushed down houses to that same ground like they were cartone boxes. She never could have imagined that one persone would be able to have so much effect and influence on her; one persone who could love and could hurt like no one else has ever done; one person in this world that she believed in and considered her family at the end would be her worst enemy at the same time. The last thing she could have thought is that someone could be so kind with so much anger inside, had so much light and darkness inside of that wonderful, most beautiful hart of his; She have never thought that one person could make her feel so broken and so perfect inside when she least expected it.

“That moment I saw him for the first time was something I will never forget. And from remembering how it went from the start it should have been very clear how our relationship would go on. He was walking towards me and the thing that came to my mind was “Oh, no. Why am I doing this?! I have should never agreed to meeting him.” and then “ok, just play it cool, it’s not like you have to see him ever again”. Those words were on my mind for the whole time we were together that night, and strangely enough, those thoughts have never left me and went with me thru the whole time we knew each other. Every little fight or disagreement, every hard moment or disappointment I would had that same feeling, those thoughts. And all I kept saying to my self is that we are never meant to be together because what’s the point?! We are not good for each other, we keep repeating every mistake we’ve made again and again. After many years we have given to each other I wonder what would happen if we would continued. But, the thought of having another five, ten or even more years together in that same massy way was unbearable or, could we have had everything we wanted and become better together?! He become my best friend and my family. For some reason I know his is my “home”.

Who is still didn’t get the image, and I know these are only the outside of happy but, he is the best example of an exiting, existing man who values the women he with and gives the vibes of being “the one” @johanneshuebl.  My fav #johannes huebl sundays

“Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence.”

—Vincent Van Gogh

Those years where rollercoaster. From massy to most wonderful moments. From desperate to happiness. As they started their relationship she knew he wasn’t “the one” and defiantly not someone she could have ever dreamed of for her self. He was the opposite; always on a go but, always late, didn’t care for his looks, massy and confused; not to say she was perfect in any way, but as at appeared to be, they have cared about totally different things, ignoring how other felt about them. She thought that they would never be good for each other; they were so different, so opposite one from another in every way you could think of.

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”

—Friedrich Nietzsche

One of those days of madness she has decided to leave, yet another time. She has done it before for years she has been leaving when she felt not being welcomed or wanted or loved; or, in some cases she has left from where there were no room for rational and analyzed possibility to resolve a certain situation.

I choose to believe that I have done a right thing by making a choose to let go and that my decision wasn’t just irrational act in a moment, even if it was in a moment of yet another exaggerated and misunderstood situation between us. I choose to believe this way because it’s easier to keep living knowing that we weren’t a good match and that no matter how hard we would try it wouldn’t work anyway. I don’t say that I don’t regret or that I believe I have done everything right, but I cannot live and think that after all that pain we been thru and all the work we have done over the years I have now ruined our relationship and my life with my own hands. I cannot think that he could have been everything I’m looking for in a person by my side; to have innovation, fan, spontaneity, protection and love all from one man. Because if someone could have it all it would be him. So I just don’t know what was the right thing to do, I just choose to believe it was right what I have done. And that I didn’t just give up.

All those memories are just hart breaking. I cannot believe you are not here with me anymore. Times that you took my hand and I just wanted to cry even more from the love I felt, or imagined. I can now just dream and guess what you have felt, what you have thought. When you could sleep only by my side, holding me thru the whole night, tight to you, in your arms. When you kept fighting me because you wanted me to be stronger, better and make me do what I was scared off so I could become brave and free from my fears, from my self. Free from all those dark thought I believed for so many years. Your ways made me who I am today, so far away from you. And I don’t know why this is supposed to be this way. You are one persone I admire and dream of, at the same time the persone I am running away from. I don’t want to remember anymore of anything we build tougher, all that time we spent fighting about the smallest things. I want it all back, and I don’t. I can’t have it anymore, but I miss us so much it makes me want to do it all over again. Our insecurities, luck of trust overwhelmed our souls, but we were full of hope that one day it all would change and we could have the lives we secretly dream of. We just couldn’t admit it, we couldn’t say those words to each other without risking of being hurt, and we weren’t. We just kept going without saying anything, without a plan. I know you wanted it all worked out, and I know you didn’t know how, but you wanted me to be with you, in your own way you really cared about me.

I suppose this is what happens when people don’t really know who they are and can really see them selfs and what they want.

“True love is not a hide-and-seek game; in true love, both lovers seek each other.”

—Michael Bassey Johnson

If you have ever experienced this type of dynamic and if you have ever wandered if you have done the right thing or who is wrong (accepting that there are mistakes made by both sides, always) in the actual relationship non being successful and stressful, who is the one bringing everything down and demolish your effort, that’s assuming that there are actually successful relationships with respect and consideration from both sides.

Let’s immagine a weight scale with two people on opposite sides of that scale, putting all their issues and unresolved baggage on each side (witch we all have, there is no escape from it).

On one hand we a person who has been born into a situation with no support or care, who had to grow up alone and, almost, resented by his family. Who has done all in his power to get attention and validation to be accepted or, even, noticed. How do you think this persone has grown up, who has he be become? Graduated from very prestigious university with high standards and lots of competition (again, the need to be better, smarter and faster to be accepted and recognized has increased) this person has become successful, accomplished and admired. But, some how not yet satisfied. So, his baggage that he puts on those scale would be abandoned issues and constant need for love, approval, admire and, most of all, his need to be “the one”, to be accepted. To some of you it might be not that heavy, but if you consider that those issues have never been acknowledged, they have transformed in one’s constant need to be special and “first” that would never be fulfilled, not that it is impossible but, because no one has that mach love and patience to be around, to give to whom only loves him self and needs your daily proof of it.

On the opposite side we have a persone who has also grown up alone and has been that way all her entire life. But, in in this case, not because there weren’t people around her to love and care for her but, by choose. Obviously, there are abandoned issues as well, being left by one parent and the other one was almost never present because of how much work needed to be done for being able to provide, the only way to cope in this case was the decision to never accept anything from anyone if it is not with the “real” reason, so to be alone was better than to be in “pity” company because (and, here where I really see personality traits) her mind has decided that no one has time or willingness to be around without no good reason that could justify their presence. The only logical weight that has been added to her side of the scale, in this case, would be a childish behavior were she would reject whomever come her way and has developed a believe that in order to be with someone, to be loved and accepted it had to be earned and deserved in natural, very honest way. That if she couldn’t see she would consider being “played” and it was one of worst feelings for her self-esteem.

WHO weighs the most? Who is “heavier”?!

In all honestly the dynamics of both could very well be a learning point and push for growth and improvement. It could have been something special for them, even for the people around them. But, It does not work if they don’t see it or, maybe, only one of them are willing to do something to change the pattern of abuse, disrespect and constant dissatisfaction.

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.”

—Helen Keller

The immagine as per always are form my fav @pinterest

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Soulmate "True love stories never have endings." Richard Bach This isn’t one of those stories … He is like a sunshine trying to came tru after a long tropical storm, trying to overcome those heavy and dark clouds that won’t go away no matter the forse of the wind, that had just pulled up the trees from the ground and crushed down houses to that same ground like they were cartone boxes.

[kadobeclothing]

Elie Saab on confinement as an opportunity to organize thought; reduce anger and tame egos

Few countries are going through as much a crisis as Lebanon right now, even if the country has been relatively unscathed by the Covid-19 in comparison to Western Europe. FashionNetwork.com caught up with the country’s most famous designer, the Phoenician couturier Elie Saab, to discuss the impact of the pandemic. And how his couture house is handling the enormous disruption caused by Covid-19. Elie Saab’s headquarters in Beirut, Lebanon – Elie Saab  Though he always shows haute couture and ready-to-wear in Paris, Saab’s hometown is Beirut, which has been the center of enormous political activity this spring. This week, Lebanon’s lawmakers donned face masks to meet inside a cavernous Beirut theatre – in order to observe social distancing – the place sprayed with disinfectant as they entered. Outside, anti-government protestors paraded around in hundreds of cars – again, to maintain social distancing. Remarkably, throughout Lebanon’s long years of civil war and often chaotic conflict, Saab and his three sons have managed to build one of fashion’s most distinctive houses, develop a unique aesthetic and dress an Oscar winner. So, we caught up with Saab for his particular take on the current crisis, and what we can all potentially learn from this dark moment in world history. As well as how he sees the before and after Covid-19, both very different to him. And why, to Saab, this period can be one of personal fulfillment; and an opportunity to organize one’s thoughts; reduce anger and tame ego.A look from Elie Saab’s Fall/Winter 2020 collection – Elie Saab   FashionNetwork.com: Where are you now? With your family?Elie Saab: I’m in Lebanon with my wife Claudine. We spend our time between the house in Beirut and our house in the mountains in Faqra. Elie Jr and Celio are also in Lebanon but Michel is still in Switzerland.  FN: How is the situation in the Lebanon?ES: Unfortunately, the situation in Lebanon is not very favorable. For a while now, we have been living in a fairly fragile and agitated economic and social context and this virus has made the situation even worse.  FN: How are all your team?ES: Everyone is fine. We had taken the necessary measures to ensure the safety of our teams.However, we are starting to set our goals by looking to the future, considering that this pandemic has become more contained and controlled.The teams are working on a suitable tactic and a more suitable strategy for the long term that will be applied immediately.  FN: How has all this pandemic affected your creative ideas? ES: Honestly, I consider that this pause has generated certain positive consequences. I had never had the time or the opportune occasion to put my ideas in order, to reflect amply, to see things from another angle and in a more serene way. This confinement is an important period of reflection and contemplation. I continue to feed my creativity on a daily basis, I let myself be inspired by everything around me. FN: When was the moment when you first realized how serious this all was?ES: We were living in an express world where everyone was caught up with their agenda between incessant travel and consecutive events. Now, suddenly, the whole planet is in confinement, the world economy is affected, so we understand that the situation is out of the ordinary. Nature, whether one likes it or not, is stronger than we humans. What we have just experienced will not be able to reproduce easily. It may be tens of generations more before we face a similar test that will change our perception, be it personal or professional. I hope that everyone will take advantage of this situation to build a better, healthier, more balanced, simpler, and above all more humane future.  FN: Has anyone you know personally been affected?ES: This virus has unfortunately affected a large number of people around the world. To see that there is a large number of deaths really pains me …Like everyone else, I know friends who have been mildly affected by the virus or their family members. But I believe education and awareness about the virus now will help contain the spread so that we can get by as quickly and as best as possible.  FN: How will fashion change after Covid-19?ES: Fashion as well as the world will no longer be the same. We will refer to before and after Covid-19. Many things will change. I was convinced that a change would take place sooner or later because the cycle was no longer human. But I never thought that in our time, a pandemic would mobilize the planet to this point. The pace in our industry had become insane, robotic: we were working on several collections at the same time, so we lost the pleasure of savoring each one. We were under continuous pressure, we lost the joy of living and enjoying human relationships, as well as listening to others. Due to the speed and the sequence that we lived, simplicity lost its value, merits had become less and less appreciated. The calendar we were following was crazy and barely gave us time to catch our breath. Even the customers were bombarded by the novelties on the market. The consumption of the products became irrational and it was rather an endless race. We have to start again on the basis of favoring quality over quantity, creating brand-specific experiences, giving back the product’s own value so that it remains timeless. I really believe that today, we are moving to a new chapter that will give us the chance to set the record straight.A look from Elie Saab’s Fall/Winter 2020 collection – FashionNetwork.com  FN: How will the world change after Covid-19?ES: Our daily life will also change. We got into the habit of connecting remotely, working remotely, finding opportunities and looking for reliable solutions. We have developed our adaptability. We have realized that we can do things without being on-site by ensuring good remote management. Everything can be done online and this gives greater importance to technology. This phase remains very exceptional, as everything will gradually resume to regain its place – as it should. Excess remains the boredom of mankind and everything must be well-balanced to give a better meaning to humanity. Earth, too, had to breathe differently, with less pollution! It was really a click that brought us back to true and simple values. I am optimistic, I welcome this situation positively as a way to redefine our aspirations, our needs, our expectations. This period gave me a certain feeling of gratitude. I consider it as an experience of personal fulfillment to assess the details that surround us. I really hope that many people have had the chance to organize their thoughts during this time to reduce their anger and tame their ego. Some had lost their bearings before, and now is the time to raise the bar and return to simplicity and authenticity.  FN: As an industry of incessant travel, where the shows went on last month even as the pandemic raged in China, does fashion bear any of the blame?FN: Fashion Week may have accelerated the spread of the virus, but there were also other sporting events, conferences, etc. taking place around the world. Meetings and trips are not just for visiting fashion capitals and attending fashion shows. The spread of this virus has no borders or barriers. I especially do not want to associate this virus with the Fashion Month period because fashion represents beauty and elegance, Fashion Week evokes conviviality, and I insist that it symbolizes such, and that, forever.  FN: Many people have talked about a reset button – do you think that is the case?ES: Of course, the entire planet is on hiatus and it takes a “reset button” to restart it. Yet, you must be very careful when restarting the machine. We must ensure that we will take over the reins with skill, by emphasizing quality, in all of these aspects. We cannot ignore this phase that we have lived and re-launch lightly as if nothing had happened. This initialization button should trigger a promising start. I can’t stop thinking about it, and I’m in the midst of organizing myself to pass this course at best. FN: Others have noted that influencers have gone very quiet. Do you think that their influence will wane?ES: I have a belief that you cannot cross out something that has existed for a certain period of time. Influencers marked their territory: some were influential and were able to create an identity, others lesser so, and this will also be the case in the future. These influencers are above all a source of inspiration for the millennia and I hope that they will evolve in the right direction. FN: What will we keep from this period and what will we discard?ES: Personally, I will keep my character that you know well: simple, human, courteous and insightful, so as to not complicate matters. I will get rid of everything that could harm the quality of life that I will begin again, and take more pleasure around human relationships. My initial intuition had never deceived me, and today, I am even more convinced that you have to be well-surrounded to give more to the world.I have always gone forward with hope, and learned to overcome obstacles by determining the essentials, what inspires me – and this will further strengthen my conviction. FN: Do you still expect to come to Paris and shows in September?ES: Paris is my second city, and I can’t wait to come back to start again fully. I hope that this industry will recover in the best conditions possible, and that we will all be united to create subtly.  

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[alllthingsme]

A note you'll probably never read.

I haven't posted on here in a while. Mainly because of so many changes happening with moving to nyc and starting grad school. But sometimes on nights like these, it feels nice to write out what I'm feeling. To certain people even. Knowing they will probably never read it but atleast knowing its out there should they one day stumble upon it...

It's been almost a year now since my ex left me. And it was a really rough breakup for me. Already dealing with and trying to find the best treatment for my anxiety and depression, I put a lot of strain on my ex that he didn't deserve. I'm not going to pretend he didn't have his faults in the relationship because he certainly did and I'm sure he would still agree to that. But even after the breakup I just fell apart. I lost control and had a total breakdown. I harassed him. Texted and called him incessantly because I was terrified of being abandoned.... Again. I know now had I just given him the time and respected the distance he needed, the outcome may have very well been different. But you know what they say. Hindsight is 20/20. And now there's nothing I can do to change the person I ruined. And though that person was myself I'm a lot of ways, the person I really destroyed was my ex. I, being the damaged and broken (still am, but you know shatter a plate a few times and you'll never put it all back together) person that I was (am) I brought down another human being. Someone I love and care immensely about. Someone who literally and I mean LITERALLY put their entire life on hold for me. And I am so ashamed of myself for everything that I did.

This past year I've been through a lot. And had to admit things and discover things about myself that I'm really not proud of. I fell into a major depressive episode. I had panic attacks daily. I wasn't eating. I didn't sleep for 8 nights straight. I missed several days of work.Had panic attacks at work and had to be relieved so that I could go home. I was literally on a very dangerous and terrifying path to a mental breakdown. One I ultimately ended up having the night I attempted to take my own life. Thankfully my roommate came home and found me, but I hardly remember that now. It took months to recover and I still haven't. (Clearly I'm writing in my blog at 3 in the morning almost a year after he dumped my sorry ass) I ended up seeing a counselor for a while before I moved and discovered a lot about my mental health. More precisely my diagnosis. I also had several visits to my primary care physician to trial and error about 6 different psychiatric drugs before finding the combination and cocktail if you will that has worked most effectively. (The one I'm on now... One mood stabilizer, one antidepressant, and one sedative later and here we are--- all better right?) that in itself was truly draining and exhausting. Switching and weaning off one med and on to another. Going from one side effect to others. I have never felt so emotionally drained as I did when I was trying to find the right medicine.

However, more importantly I began to really understand why I was feeling and acting and behaving the way that I was. I later came to find out that along with my anxiety and depression I have a borderline personality disorder. Which didn't surprise me because it's hereditary and my grandmother had it as well. Including the others. But with it I finally found the answer to the irrational and terrifying behaviors I hardly remember or have an recollection of doing. On the night I attempted suicide, I got off work and drove (hysterically crying and having a panic attack) to my exes house calling him on the way and begging him to talk to me and see me. And to this day I don't remember driving there or back. I don't remember getting home. I don't remember doing any of it. I remember parts of it as if I were watching someone else do it. But not as myself. I remember feeling like I was watching myself open the bottle of trazadone and throwing back a few thousand milligrams. I remember it as if I were watching a movie. a bystander screaming at me to stop. Like I had lost all control of my own body. I guess I heard myself screaming though because that's when I immediately stuck my finger down my throat to try and throw up every pill I had swallowed. I began to vomit and dropped the rest of the bottle in the toilet before passing out from hypervenalting in the bathroom floor.

To this day it remains one of the most hauntingly terrifying moments of my entire life and I don't even remember it as if it happened to me. I remember it as if I were watching it happen to someone else. Which I would later understand to be symptom of a dissociative personality disorder. Also a symptom of BPD which now all makes sense. Dissociation occurs when your mind separates itself from your physical being and detaches from reality. It's a coping mechanism used by people who undergo serious trauma in life. As a way to protect themselves by detaching from the moment and seeing the events unfold from a third person perspective so as to not be the direct victim. Given my childhood emotional, physical and sexual abuse... I guess that now all makes sense. It's something I later realized I experienced during my severe panic attacks. A loss of control. Impulsive and obsessive behavior free to inhabit my body while I was temporarily "out for lunch- be back when the trauma is over".

It's truly terrifying to experience and also quite shameful. It has caused a lot of havoc in my life and made me realize how much I am to blame for so many fights and arguments. And breakups. Abandonments. Which brings me to the real point of this post- acknowledging the role I played in tearing apart the relationship I lay here at 3:30 in the morning crying over despite the fact that it ended a year ago.

I was controlling. Manipulative and just all around a really shitty boyfriend. I have/had deep rooted insecurities that constantly made me feel as if I wasn't good enough or that I was going to be left or abandoned again (guess I was right). I constantly feared he would find someone better or realize that he already had it with his best friend and didn't need me anymore.

Because of that, I ruined everything. I ruined me. Us. And him... Him. I did that. This man put his life on hold for me. Put off his dream of moving to New York so that he could stay behind and be with me. Take care of me and start a relationship with me. He did all of that for me and I was too fucking blind to see it. Though I wanted to support and push him to move he wouldn't. He stayed for me and then when everything fell apart, I left. He slipped up and made stupid decisions to which he is now suffering from... He lost his security. His apartment in Manhattan. He lost his way and it was and is... All my fault. And I am so torn up about it because everyday I just want to drive down, throw his shit in the car and drive him up here where he belongs and I can't. There's nothing I can do now. He won't talk to me. He won't answer me. He wants absolutely nothing to do with me to the point that I can't even reach out to him without the fear of being charged with harassment. I failed him. And us and I dropped all the pieces of our relationship into his lap and expected him to fix it all without ever taking 2 seconds to think about him and what he needed.

He later confessed that he never felt like he could share anything with me because I always changed the subject to myself. I used to hate that he wouldn't open up to me because it made me feel like he didn't care enough to. I could feel him drifting apart in the final months. He got less intimate. He stopped caring as much. He wouldn't hold me in bed. He wouldn't kiss me as long or hug me as hard. I slowly felt him slipping through the cracks of my fingers like sand, without ever once trying to tighten my grip and take initiative to turn things around. Instead, I made them worse. And continued doing so after he left.

Now. I'm in grad school. I'm in way over my head with a double masters program at a prestigious world renowned university that I am terrified I'll fail out of. Living in a city I love without the one who made me fall in love with it. 500 miles away from a man I haven't seen in months but still find myself crying over at 3:30 in the morning on a Saturday night. And on top of that, he is stuck in the shit hole town I handcuffed him to and feeling like a complete failure because of my Bullshit.

I posted something a while back out of anger. That I never should have said. Let alone post. I called him out. On everything. The mistakes he'd made. The mistakes I had made but had blamed on him. I called him names I never meant. And worst of all. I called him a failure for not moving away and making it to the city. A dream he's had for years. A dream he put on hold, to be there and support me while I chased after mine. And I called him a failure for that.... Yeah. No wonder he doesn't want anything to do with me. I don't blame him. And while he didn't know it at the time, I posted it to my blog but not publicly. It was a private post I had written just to vent. Which was suppose to be the extent of it until I spiraled into a rage of anger and sadness that led to me sending him the post directly via email. I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I wanted to hurt him that way. Because he didn't and never deserved it.

He doesn't know it but every now and then I lose what little self control I've developed and scroll through his tumblr. Often times just to see how his mood is that day and if he seems to be okay. Because I worry about him so much. Even still today. Sometimes there will be a post with a hash tag or comment that I almost guarantee Is about me. Sometimes I wonder if he knows I do it and post certain things on purpose. Who knows?

I guess part of me secretly hopes he does the same. And that one day he'll stumble across this post and read it and see the apology I so badly want to give him in person. An apology for so many things that I'd never deserve forgiveness for but would love the opportunity to atleast tell him. For the way that I acted both during. And after our relationship. The way I handled it. The breakup. The way I failed to respect him afterwards and give him space and time. The way I didn't listen. The way I selfishly did what I wanted with out ever thinking about how it would affect him or what he specifically wanted. I've since tried to do those things. I've accepted and acknowledged the fact that I'll probably never hear or see from him again. And never get the chance to say I'm sorry the way he deserves. Not that any amount of apology can make up for the turmoil and emotional damage I have caused. And not that I even deserve the chance to apologize. But maybe one day? Right. Probably not but I can't help but hang on to a little part of me that hopes I'm wrong.

Tyler, If you ever read this I want you to know that I am sorry. Truly and gunienly sorry for everything. I had something extraordinary right in front of me and I took it for granted. I lost site of what I had and I let it get away from me. I was emotionally abusive and will never forgive myself for the pain that I caused. I want you to know that I blame myself every day for the fact that you aren't where you wanted to be In life right now. Had it not been for me, I know you'd be in New York right now. Probably with some man who would have made you twice as happy as I ever could have and chasing your dream and your career. I know it doesn't do any good to say these things now but I want you to know that I am sorry I derailed your train.

But I know you enough to know that despite your fears, your hesitations, you'll find a way. You will make it out of Radford. You will move To new York. You'll slowly but surely work your way towards every dream you've ever had. You'll meet some great guy along the way and he will be truly blessed to have you. I just hope he knows that and doesn't make the same mistakes that I did. I hope the road gets easier for you. I hope you start to realize the beauty and worth in yourself that so many other people do. Because you deserve it more than anyone. You are more than meets the surface and although our journey together didn't last, I'm so glad that I met you and that you took me on it. Meeting you was one of the best things to ever happen to me and is a big part of why I am where I am today. And I'll never be able to thank you or give that back to you like you deserve. But for now I'll continue to think of you every time I pass a "2 bros pizza". When I'm sitting at the bar and look out the window. I'll remember shivering in front of you when you took me outside and told me you loved me for the first time. When I go to boxers, I'll remember you taking me there. Everytime I past Amsterdam, I'll think of you. When I get off the Turnpike and see the toll lane for "ticket" customers, I'll remember how you accidentally drove into a booth that was closed and had no one to hand your ticket to. I'll remember all of those things as I live here to constantly remind myself that you are what drove me to chase my dreams here. And the Hopeless romantic in me will always hope that one day, after you've moved up here, we will run into each other on the subway or downtown somewhere and we can try to work through our past. The Hopeless Romantic in me hopes we can one day work through it all and rebuild a life together because nothing would make me happier than the chance to give you back what you deserve.

I know realistically that will probably never happen but for you it will with someone else and they will be truly blessed and lucky to have you. I hope you know that I never meant to hurt you. I know you don't want to hear from me so I'll continue to keep my distance but just know that even still today...

I love you.

[adelakryvosheieva]

“True love stories never have endings.” —Richard Bach

This isn’t one of those stories …

He is like a sunshine trying to came tru after a long tropical storm, trying to overcome those heavy and dark clouds that won’t go away no matter the forse of the wind, that had just pulled up the trees from the ground and crushed down houses to that same ground like they were cartone boxes. She never could have imagined that one persone would be able to have so much effect and influence on her; one persone who could love and could hurt like no one else has ever done; one person in this world that she believed in and considered her family at the end would be her worst enemy at the same time. The last thing she could have thought is that someone could be so kind with so much anger inside, had so much light and darkness inside of that wonderful, most beautiful hart of his; She have never thought that one person could make her feel so broken and so perfect inside when she least expected it.

“That moment I saw him for the first time was something I will never forget. And from remembering how it went from the start it should have been very clear how our relationship would go on. He was walking towards me and the thing that came to my mind was “Oh, no. Why am I doing this?! I have should never agreed to meeting him.” and then “ok, just play it cool, it’s not like you have to see him ever again”. Those words were on my mind for the whole time we were together that night, and strangely enough, those thoughts have never left me and went with me thru the whole time we knew each other. Every little fight or disagreement, every hard moment or disappointment I would had that same feeling, those thoughts. And all I kept saying to my self is that we are never meant to be together because what’s the point?! We are not good for each other, we keep repeating every mistake we’ve made again and again. After many years we have given to each other I wonder what would happen if we would continued. But, the thought of having another five, ten or even more years together in that same massy way was unbearable or, could we have had everything we wanted and become better together?! He become my best friend and my family. For some reason I know his is my “home”.

Who is still didn’t get the image, and I know these are only the outside of happy but, he is the best example of an exiting, existing man who values the women he with and gives the vibes of being “the one” @johanneshuebl.  My fav #johannes huebl sundays

“Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence.” —Vincent Van Gogh

Those years where rollercoaster. From massy to most wonderful moments. From desperate to happiness. As they started their relationship she knew he wasn’t “the one” and defiantly not someone she could have ever dreamed of for her self. He was the opposite; always on a go but, always late, didn’t care for his looks, massy and confused; not to say she was perfect in any way, but as at appeared to be, they have cared about totally different things, ignoring how other felt about them. She thought that they would never be good for each other; they were so different, so opposite one from another in every way you could think of.

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.” —Friedrich Nietzsche

One of those days of madness she has decided to leave, yet another time. She has done it before for years she has been leaving when she felt not being welcomed or wanted or loved; or, in some cases she has left from where there were no room for rational and analyzed possibility to resolve a certain situation.

I choose to believe that I have done a right thing by making a choose to let go and that my decision wasn’t just irrational act in a moment, even if it was in a moment of yet another exaggerated and misunderstood situation between us. I choose to believe this way because it’s easier to keep living knowing that we weren’t a good match and that no matter how hard we would try it wouldn’t work anyway. I don’t say that I don’t regret or that I believe I have done everything right, but I cannot live and think that after all that pain we been thru and all the work we have done over the years I have now ruined our relationship and my life with my own hands. I cannot think that he could have been everything I’m looking for in a person by my side; to have innovation, fan, spontaneity, protection and love all from one man. Because if someone could have it all it would be him. So I just don’t know what was the right thing to do, I just choose to believe it was right what I have done. And that I didn’t just give up.

All those memories are just hart breaking. I cannot believe you are not here with me anymore. Times that you took my hand and I just wanted to cry even more from the love I felt, or imagined. I can now just dream and guess what you have felt, what you have thought. When you could sleep only by my side, holding me thru the whole night, tight to you, in your arms. When you kept fighting me because you wanted me to be stronger, better and make me do what I was scared off so I could become brave and free from my fears, from my self. Free from all those dark thought I believed for so many years. Your ways made me who I am today, so far away from you. And I don’t know why this is supposed to be this way. You are one persone I admire and dream of, at the same time the persone I am running away from. I don’t want to remember anymore of anything we build tougher, all that time we spent fighting about the smallest things. I want it all back, and I don’t. I can’t have it anymore, but I miss us so much it makes me want to do it all over again. Our insecurities, luck of trust overwhelmed our souls, but we were full of hope that one day it all would change and we could have the lives we secretly dream of. We just couldn’t admit it, we couldn’t say those words to each other without risking of being hurt, and we weren’t. We just kept going without saying anything, without a plan. I know you wanted it all worked out, and I know you didn’t know how, but you wanted me to be with you, in your own way you really cared about me.

I suppose this is what happens when people don’t really know who they are and can really see them selfs and what they want.

“True love is not a hide-and-seek game; in true love, both lovers seek each other.” —Michael Bassey Johnson

If you have ever experienced this type of dynamic and if you have ever wandered if you have done the right thing or who is wrong (accepting that there are mistakes made by both sides, always) in the actual relationship non being successful and stressful, who is the one bringing everything down and demolish your effort, that’s assuming that there are actually successful relationships with respect and consideration from both sides.

Let’s immagine a weight scale with two people on opposite sides of that scale, putting all their issues and unresolved baggage on each side (witch we all have, there is no escape from it).

On one hand we a person who has been born into a situation with no support or care, who had to grow up alone and, almost, resented by his family. Who has done all in his power to get attention and validation to be accepted or, even, noticed. How do you think this persone has grown up, who has he be become? Graduated from very prestigious university with high standards and lots of competition (again, the need to be better, smarter and faster to be accepted and recognized has increased) this person has become successful, accomplished and admired. But, some how not yet satisfied. So, his baggage that he puts on those scale would be abandoned issues and constant need for love, approval, admire and, most of all, his need to be “the one”, to be accepted. To some of you it might be not that heavy, but if you consider that those issues have never been acknowledged, they have transformed in one’s constant need to be special and “first” that would never be fulfilled, not that it is impossible but, because no one has that mach love and patience to be around, to give to whom only loves him self and needs your daily proof of it.

On the opposite side we have a persone who has also grown up alone and has been that way all her entire life. But, in in this case, not because there weren’t people around her to love and care for her but, by choose. Obviously, there are abandoned issues as well, being left by one parent and the other one was almost never present because of how much work needed to be done for being able to provide, the only way to cope in this case was the decision to never accept anything from anyone if it is not with the “real” reason, so to be alone was better than to be in “pity” company because (and, here where I really see personality traits) her mind has decided that no one has time or willingness to be around without no good reason that could justify their presence. The only logical weight that has been added to her side of the scale, in this case, would be a childish behavior were she would reject whomever come her way and has developed a believe that in order to be with someone, to be loved and accepted it had to be earned and deserved in natural, very honest way. That if she couldn’t see she would consider being “played” and it was one of worst feelings for her self-esteem.

WHO weighs the most? Who is “heavier”?!

In all honestly the dynamics of both could very well be a learning point and push for growth and improvement. It could have been something special for them, even for the people around them. But, It does not work if they don’t see it or, maybe, only one of them are willing to do something to change the pattern of abuse, disrespect and constant dissatisfaction.

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.” —Helen Keller

The immagine as per always are form my fav @pinterest

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  Soulmate "True love stories never have endings." —Richard Bach This isn't one of those stories ...