#it's never in a way that treats butches like they're pretty or handsome or sexy or really anything other than ugly

[gentlemanbutch]

the hair on my torso randomly got curlier and I feel much more positive about it now, it's so soft and fuzzy

[country-wizard]

Expression and Desires

Lately I have been feeling a sort of way

I tried on my mother's bra

I pictured it like how a boy would try on his

Mom's clothes

I don't wear bras haven't in a long time

Always sports

Mom has the weird wire ones

I didn't hate what I saw

Not in a urge or desire to transition

Back to a woman

But more of a never thought I could look 

Like that

They didn't quite fit right 

It wasn't to big but it wasn't to small

Some weird in-between 

Though I guess I don't really know how bras

Are meant to fit in the first place

Lately I found myself wearing 1 of her tank tops

Originally for a party under my button up

But also because I like how it looks

The word in my head when i see myself

In the mirror in that tank top

Butch

I wouldn't describe myself as butch any other time

I have never identified myself as 

A women who is more traditionally

Masculine

Though I used to be called a tomboy

It's a nice word but doesn't describe me

I wouldn't even feel comfortable using it if It did

I don't feel like a woman 

I don't want to be a woman 

Yet lately when I picture myself in that

tank top

Or

 wire bra 

I see a part of me I've never seen before

A hint of something I've always wanted

Femininity 

I wore an outfit once 

Tank top, sweater, and  jeans and then  i had a crisis 

I saw a person dressed masculine

Regretted dressing like that 

It was a cute outfit though and I sometimes

Think back to it

I've worn dresses I think they're rather 

Nice pretty even

They look weird on me

Sometimes I want to wear them though

I can't they look weird

I become a woman

Sometimes I stare at myself in the mirror

Before I shower 

Naked completely bare

I cup my hands over my chest and try to

Flatten it with my hands

I think about the days it'll be gone 

In bed late at night I think about having a 

Dick

I'll never have one even though I wouldn't complain

I wish it could be like my fantasies as a kid

I could have my parts and a dick 

My chest could go from flat to busty in a matter of seconds 

It will never happen

I read a lot of fanfiction

Written by queers who write queers

The amount of porn I've read with people

Bodies similar to mine yet so different

Farther along in journeys

They make me feel like I can be loved

Lately though they've been making me question

I've seen a lot of art with trans characters 

With boobs and all 

Men or not 

It makes me wonder if I can be similar 

Can i still be viewed as me with a chest of meat

They make me believe so

Yet the urge to rid of them is overpowering

Sometimes I don't want to read fics

With others like me 

2 cis men 

Not out of some sexual fantasy 

But to dream 

I align so much with masculinity

It's hard to picture me in anything but

It's why I don't align with those whom love woman 

The way other queer woman do

Or nonbinary folk who love woman

But instead I find myself drawn to men 

The desire to be a man with another 

It's one of my reasons I wish things were a bit different down there

Even though I don't truly want to become a man

Perhaps

Definitely

I don't think I'll ever know gender is weird

I don't feel like a man or a woman But sometimes

I wish I could be one 

It'd be so easy so simple 

I wish I could shape shift my body 

Not of a change of gender but a change of appearance

It makes me dysphoric when I do it with clothes 

I like how I dress I just want the anatomy to be different 

Sometimes I want the clothes though 

To feel pretty and/or handsome 

Like lace under a suit 

They should make boxers with lace hem

It'd be funny and I'd be their #1 buyer

Everything looks weird on me though

Nothing fits my shape

Yet sometimes I think on skirts

And suit pants 

I think I would like lace under suits almost as if a little surprise

A treat for my eyes not to be sexy 

But to scratch an itch I have

To satisfy a feeling 

I wish I lived alone 

Owned a wire bra

To feel like a boy wearing his Mom's dress

When she isn't home 

To wear it around my house feeling odd

Alone with nobody to judge 

Not a feeling of discomfort or happiness

But something else 

Un-word-able 

When I live alone 

I'll wear my wire bra and I'll wear my packer 

And I'll sit and feel weird 

Not bad 

Just weird

It's like pain something I can't describe 

When I get top surgery 

I'll wear my packer and my inserts for my wire bra

And I'll think 

This is just like my fantasies