#it's not about need my guy!! you're giving serial killer energy!!

[unprocione]

➤  * 𝗘𝗠𝗜𝗟𝗘 ( @emile8 ) 𝑟𝑒𝑞𝑢𝑒𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑎 𝑚𝑒𝑡𝑎 𝑜𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑝𝑟𝑜𝑚𝑝𝑡  ❝ 𝗛𝗢𝗠𝗘. ❞

✦  WHAT MAKES A HOME? A home is a place of refuge. A person’s most personal belongings are kept in a home, and it’s where a person feels safe and accepted. A home tells a story and expresses a person or family’s interests. To create a home requires an emotional connection and sense of belonging, not physical things. A house can be a home but a home can’t be a house. You can live in a house that doesn’t feel like a home. Or you can find “home” in a house that isn’t yours because home isn’t a physical construct, it’s a feeling. To be a home, it needs to feel comfortable, like a place you belong to and are at peace with. A house may be decorated with the nicest furnishings money can buy, but that won’t necessarily make it a home. The feeling of “home” can’t be bought. It’s an intimate relationship we have with the personal space we live in. A home reflects who we are, our personality, and how we choose to live our lives.

* while i know the above pictures from resident evil: damnation are likely of a hotel room, based on the construction & context, i'm choosing to think of this as leon's bedroom on purpose for personal characterization.

✦  WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO LIVE IN A ❝ SPARTAN ❞ LIFESTYLE? A spartan lifestyle or existence is very simple or strict, with the minimum of luxuries. Living a spartan lifestyle means embracing simplicity and self-discipline, and focusing on developing physical and mental strength, buying and using only what is needed to accomplish your task. No spare rooms, no extra cars, no fancy meals, no desserts, no frills. Additionally, it is important to remember that living a Spartan lifestyle does not mean living a life of poverty or deprivation, but rather one of simplicity and self-discipline. The lifestyle is very basic because all efforts are devoted to the military and to the state.

Simplify your possessions and living space. Get rid of anything you don't truly need and focus on keeping only the essentials.

Embrace physical fitness and challenge yourself to push your limits through regular exercise and training.

Practice self-discipline and self-control by setting rules and boundaries for yourself, and holding yourself accountable to them.

✦  WHAT DOES MINIMALISM SAY ABOUT YOU? A minimalist person is someone who has a simple, uncluttered lifestyle, someone who seeks simplicity, usefulness and clarity. They don't believe in owning things for the sake of owning things — they only keep what is truly important to them. Minimalists are often very organized and efficient and find satisfaction in pursuing meaningful relationships and activities. They pursue a lifestyle that focuses less on material possessions and more on what they value in life – what makes them happy.

✦  PERSONAL TOUCHES.

* framed photographs of dear friends & loved ones. pictured: claire redfield, ada wong, patrick devlin, ashley graham, helena harper. not pictured: jack krauser (frame is facedown), manuela hidalgo, sherry birkin, ingrid hunnigan, & luis sera.

* an unknown monstera, a pilea peperomioides, and a peace lily.

✦  PLACES OF INTEREST.

* weaponry workbench, vinyl record player, kitchen w/ cookbook storage, bedroom barcart, leon's weapons locker, & external home gym.

✦  HEADCANONS.

leon resides on a private and rural property in maryland, a good distance away from the city.

leon's residence is more house than home, more of a place to sleep than a place to rest. he's more at home in a familiar chain hotel than anywhere else, preferring to vacation over spending time in his empty house.

leon's absolutely pathetic at home maintenance, preferring to call in plumbers or electricians as needed, but he's also an absolute clean freak, the place is spotless, like scrubbing tile grout with a toothbrush on his hands and knees spotless.

prior to the disassembly of the anti-umbrella pursuit & investigation taskforce, leon & bruce mcgivern were bunkmates, both living in a barracks building provided by the organization.

leon prefers to live remotely, having become somewhat of a recluse, his home sheltered away from main roads & prying eyes by acres of forest.

leon has two locks on his bedroom door, and doesn't sleep with a sound machine, both in case of any scenarios involving possible intruders. the glass in his windows is also bulletproof, for the same rightfully paranoid reasoning.

leon doesn't get delivery. he doesn't get takeout. he doesn't do fast food at all whenever he has other options. leon grew up in a home where more often than not they had fast food for dinner as both parents worked and it was cheap and easy, and now that he has a home of his own, he prefers to cook for himself at every chance, mealpreps, and experiment with recipes when he has time. his tupperware collection is impressive. he would probably marry his air fryer if he could legally. leon kennedy, disgusted by a cheap hamburger to the point of nausea, but says he could really go for a steak right now when confronted with a rotten bovine carcass.

leon's first houseplant was his monstera, purchased after the events of resident evil: damnation, which he keeps by his bedside window. leon's second houseplant was his pilea peperomioides, purchased after the events of resident evil: six. leon's most recent houseplant is his peace lily, purchased after resident evil: vendetta. leon keeps all three of his plants in his bedroom.

the interior of leon's home is sparsely decorated, with very few personal touches, such as the vinyl record player, his plants, cookbooks, and photographs of his loved ones.

leon has a collection of cookbooks, some of which are in different languages.

leon's sink stays crowded with hair care products.

leon never really unpacks when he’s home, and it shows in the meticulous magazine perfection of everything. he spends more time in hotels than he ever does at his own home. leon is out of touch with civilian life, he’s never too comfortable, constantly on guard in the silence of his own empty house, unable to shut his mind off due to his post traumatic stress disorder, and so he doesn’t nest, so to speak.

leon is at his most comfortable at home while in the dark, with a bag of popcorn and a stack of movies to binge his way through.

leon keeps a ducati xdiavel & a white ford crown victoria in his garage. he added a gunsmith's workbench / armorer's bench to his garage during his furlough in 2009 while working on the design & construction of the sentinel 9 handgun.

leon prefers to sleep a thin, fleece blanket, and that’s it, a higher than average body temperature keeping him warm throughout the night. when the bed is made properly, it’s made with duvets and multiple pillows and quilts, and it’s all entirely for show, in a bedroom emulating normalcy ripped straight from a catalogue.

leon cleans out his refrigerator as soon as he hears that he has another assignment to tend to, to prevent spoilage while he’s away (he has a very sensitive sense of smell), so when he comes back, he immediately hits the grocery store on the way, no matter how tired he is. he definitely tries to carry his bags all at once.

leon doesn't have expensive taste, not even in alcohol. all of his belongings and furniture are of good quality, but not by any means designer or luxury items.

[cupidspup]

CG!Ticci-Toby x Little!Reader

All art credit above goes to the original artist!!

A/N (PLEASE READ!):

OKAY SO-- It's been a long while since I've done a fic (especially an agere one) SO PLEASE BE NICE (╥ᆺ╥；) I love writing but it takes a lot of courage and energy and when it comes to agere fics it's especially for littles who feel lonely and take comfort in reading a fic! I want my fics to be something that allows littles like me (who have a softer heart and need extra lovins) feel better and more little!! And I've decided to start writing again by being indulgent in what I write! Today's prompt is based off of what I remember from creepypasta when I was young and I'm not very well versed in any of their lore as much as I used to be skdksks if that's not your thing that's okay! I just hope you enjoy my writing! ໒꒰ྀིᵔ ᵕ ᵔ ꒱ྀི১ anywho! Back to the post!! Below are some trigger warnings if needed :3 I won't be including anything too graphic or anything but there *MAY* be a curse word or two or just more adult things since they're serial killers x) (I'm writing this all before I'm writing it lol)

- ꒰ა♡ Kewpie ♡໒꒱

Trigger Warnings:⤵

Strong language, mentions of blood (past tense/present), implications of death/murder via the presence of blood (past tense and very minimal), mentions of weapons, masc caregiver nicknames (daddy, dada, baba, papa, ect), feminine and gender neutral nicknames (princess, kid/kiddo, tiny)

Summary

Toby comes back to Slendermansion after a long day on the job only to find you asleep in bed! Oh no that won't do! He wants to see his baby!

Not a trigger warning but more so something to keep in mind: I know Toby is/was known for a stutter because of his tics BUT I will NOT write the way he speaks like people used to. I don't have Tourrettes myself but I also know that stuttering doesn't always happen when you have it. I also did do research on him a little and found that his tics are more physical rather than verbal! I would like to avoid doing it until im more knowledgeable about it just so i dont offend anyone on accident ૮ ◞ ﻌ ◟ ა If any of you guys feel that I need to change anything or would like to educate me please do in the comments or in private in a polite manner! ^^

It's dark out and you're already snuggled into your bed. Going to sleep alone isn't very uncommon and you've gotten used to it. You and your daddy have put together quite the bedtime routine to make up for your lack of tucking ins! As you're cuddled nice and warm into bed, there's a slight creak in the door.

Not enough to wake you up, it's slow and quiet. You hear footsteps make their way throughout the room, closer to your bed. This is what makes you stir and start to wake up.

The footsteps stop. They know you're awake now.

You groan as you sit up, squinting and looking into the darkness. "Dada?" You wait for an answer. The footsteps resume this time faster.

Finally, the mystery person comes out from the shadows. The gentle light from your nightlight shining on them and it's your one and only caregiver, Toby!

He excitedly makes his way back to your side of your bed, sitting right by you. Before he does anything else he makes sure to put his (now clean) hatchets away before hugging you close. Toby always gives the best hugs, even though his tics are unpredictable it doesn't mean the firm yet gentle squeeze isn't nice to sink into.

"Yes, princess? Did I.. did I wake you? I'm sorry if I did. I was trying to be quiet, but I was just, just so excited to see you! You, you're just so cute when you're snoozin away like that!"

His mind goes a thousand miles a minute, and his mouth can't catch up, especially with his tics. So there's a stutter here and there. Not that it's a very big issue. It's just how your daddy talks! And you love it when he talks.♡

You yawn and lean into him, your eyes closed as you try to wake yourself up more. It's very late, if you were big enough to read the clock you'd probably know but now? Clocks are for big kids and you? You're very small, so the moon shining light through the window is enough for now.

"C'mon, cutie I know you can hug, hug me better than that! You missed your dada, didn't you?" He says in a playful tone, squishing you slightly in his arms. You reach your hands up to him and give him your best sleepy hug. To which he holds you even longer, resting his cheek on the top of your head. When he does you feel this weird wet substance and it makes you fuss a little.

"Mmmm babaaaaa m no like itttt" you whine at him.

He releases you from his hug and takes his goggles off, looking at you confused. "What do you mean, baby? What's going on?" When you look him in the eye you see it, he's got a small cut on his cheek and it's leaking blood. He probably doesn't feel it due to his disorder that prevents him from feeling pain in the first place. You yawn and point sleepily at his cheek. "You gots messy on you face, dada"

He feels around his face before touching his cheek right above his muzzle before looking at his gloved hands. Sure enough there's a spot of blood on the fabric where he touched.

"Oh no that's no good, thank, thank you for telling me kiddo! Daddy wouldn't have known if it wasn't for you! Wanna make it all better and put some...some cute bandaids on it?" He says to you with a smile, cleaning the blood off of his gloves for the most part. You nod with a smile and start doing grabby hands at him, the lack of cuddling and holding already making you feel lonely.

He smiles at you wider than he already is and ruffles your hair a little before going off to the bedside drawer. He always has bandaids handy for you. You two are the perfect pair! A clumsy little with an even clumsier caregiver! What a match!

He carefully opens the box, taking out a few bandaids for you to choose from. Of course these are patterned all cute with your favorite characters on them! You smile at the selection and before Toby can tell you to choose one, you're already opening the packages to each of them.

"Sure we can put all of them on my ouchies! Be super super careful though, sweetheart. I don't want any of your cute pj's getting messy because of me alright?" He says with a cautious but still laid back and nice tone. You nod happily in response before sticking on all of the bandaids. Two actually did the job for what he had, but you also know Toby is never gonna say no to you when you put them all over him. By the end of it, Toby has some on his muzzle, his nose, forehead, even some on his fingers! Everywhere that your daddy has owies on or you know he might have some in the future. Extra love for him can never hurt!

He takes out his phone and looks at himself in the screen. Most people can't tell but because you're not most people you can see the little squint and grin across his face. He seems really happy with your bandaid makeover! He looks over his fingers fondly, chuckling at you trying to think ahead for him.

"How lucky am I to have such a..such a thoughtful lil one?" He says happily before sitting closer to you, his phone still unlocked in his hand. "I wanna remember this moment so how, how about we take a selfie together, cutie? I want to have something to see for when I miss you and you're not with me!" You smile and nod your head quickly at the idea, coming closer to him and cuddling up to his arm, nuzzling your nose into his neck and cheek.

"C'mon tiny, say 'Cheese!'"

"Cheeeee!!"

It takes a few tries to get a photo that isnt blurry from his tics but finally he takes the photo and looks it over. You look it over, too and you feel the swarm of butterflies flutter in your tummy. Being with your daddy always makes you so, so happy. Especially when he's so soft and sweet like this!

"Hey baby I found some, some filters! Let's take a few more!"

Once again you're snuggled up to your silly caregiver, posing for photos with him while he puts bunny ear filters and funny face filters. He saves each and every one and you can't help that fuzzy lil tingle in your chest when you see his gallery is basically only filled with you two. You smile and give him a lil peck on the side of his muzzle. To that he smiles from under it and puts his hand softly over the spot.

"Awe that was real sweet of you kid, what, what was that for?" He says with a happy tone.

Your face flushes a little as you twiddle your fingers, mumbling softly. Something about cute and loving your baba. He chuckles and pulls his goggles off, now seeing you much easier in the dim lit room.

Toby pulls his muzzle down just enough to lean in for a quick peck. He kisses your forehead softly and smiles at you before putting it back into place. ♡ His kisses always feel extra special when he does that. Toby doesn't like people seeing him without his muzzle, especially because of the gash on the side of his cheek. But with you, he knows that extra but of vulnerability goes a long way. You're his baby after all, if you trust him so much he should trust you just the same.

Once his muzzle is back on your stomach let's out a low growl. At first you're a little embarrassed but Toby isn't phased at all. As a matter of fact, Toby wastes no time picking you up and hoisting you to his hip. He rests you onto the side and carries you with one arm (because he's your daddy, of course he can carry his little one no problem!).

Carrying you is never an issue for Toby. It can only be a little difficult when he's has his tics or they come more than just once. But it never stops him! He just makes sure to hold onto you a little bit tighter and tries to move his head away when he does.

It's hard to predict when his tics will come but even when you're small you're understanding and patient. He's doing his best just like you are.

"Let's go get some midnight snacks for that lil tummy of yours huh? A midnight...midnight snack with my princess sounds delicious." He says as he tickles your tummy a little. He was about to start walking to the door before you started to fuss in his arms, squirming as you continue to whine.

"What is it baby what's wrong? Did Dada do something to make you upset? Are, are you sleepy? Hungry? Sad?" He questions as he bounces you gently. His questions come left and right as he continues trying to find the answer. You fussily point to your forgotten stuffie on the bed and turn back to whine at him. With that he finally gets the hint.

"Ooooh you, you just wanted your plushie! You silly billy you've gotta use your big kid words for stuff, stuff like that okay?" He goes back and retrieves your stuffie, snuggling it right into your arms before heading out the door.

This, of course, sends you even deeper into your little space. Even though he tells you to use big kid words, something about him babying you and talking to you that way just makes you melt. And he's fully aware of that too.

Finally, you're both out of the room and headed down the halls of the mansion to the kitchen. All the residents of Slendermansion are very aware of you and Toby and the different aspects of your guys' dynamics. They don't really care what you both do as long as you aren't making other uncomfortable and being civil they're all pretty on board! That or stick to themselves for the most part.

Once you and Toby are in the kitchen he finds a place to set you down by the counter. Before starting his snack preparations he turns to you. "Can you be a good baby for Daddy and sit, sit here for me? Be reaaally careful so you don't fall okay? I need both of my hands for this so that I can make you...make you the bestest snack ever!" You give him an affirmative nod and snuggle your plushie closer for comfort. You see his eyes squint as he smiles, he pets your hair gently before ruffling it.

"That's a good baby, so we'll behaved" He says affectionately, "I'll be...I'll be done in just a minute okay, tiny?" You nod affirmatively again and flush slightly at his praise and gentle touch.

Toby rummaged through the cabinet, taking out a cute bowl fit for a small child. With some more rummaging he finds some baby puffs along with an adult sized baby bottle. Of course, this one is decorated and themed to your liking. He fills the bowl with the puffs to an amount you both can share. He knows you enjoy sharing your snacks with him and honestly, baby puffs "smack" (according to him) and he'd eat them with you any day.

Once the bowl is filled he heats some milk with honey in the microwave (Toby isn't allowed to use the stove unless there's another person with him - regressed babies do not count). While the milk heats up he brings the bowl to you and offers a puff up to your mouth.

"Here sweetheart, say 'ahh' for me." He says happily.

You do as told and he pops in a puff. You chew on that and offer him one, to thar he quickly pulls down his muzzle and lets you feed him a few at a time. Not too many at once due to his gash. After a few more moments of you feeding each other, Ben walks into the room. He comes in without looking up, busy playing with his games on his phone.

" 'Sup." He says as he makes his way to the fridge.

"Hey dude, whatcha up to? Is, Is it snack time for you too? Whatcha gonna do after that?" Toby starts to bombard him with questions, always one to not only strike up conversation but carry that conversation too.

"Jesus Toby one at a time I can barely answer the first God damn question-" Ben says at first before looking at you. He stops in the middle of his sentence before lowering his voice.

"Didn't notice you had the baby with you." He takes a random snack from the fridge and closes it, leaning against the counter close to you while he eats it. Toby feeds you some more puffs, keeping you occupied as you wave at him politely.

Ben has seen you this way before so you don't mind being little with him that much. He's even babysat you before a couple of times, though most of those times were spent playing games (that he would let you win sometimes). Ben definitely acts like the big brother when he's around you. And because he's like your big brother he waves but sticks his tongue out at you right after. You stick your tongue out back at him before giggling a little.

"Hey you two be nice to each other," Toby says, piping up slightly, "I've still got to put them back to sleep Ben, don't rile them up too much either." Ben waves Toby off and rolls his red pupils.

"Yeah, yeah I know it's fine. We're just messing around." Ben responds, perfectly dismissing Toby's protective nature around you. Just when Toby is about to respond the microwave beeps, signaling that your bottle is ready! "Actually, I need a favor from you." Toby says as he takes it out, handing the bottle like it's nothing at all.

Ben looks at Toby with a curious look, waiting to hear what the favor is. Toby hands him the bottle. "Test that on your arm, I need to know if it's warm but not too hot for the baby."

(Of course Toby and Ben's repeated use of "the baby" makes you feel even more babyish and has you regressing even further. Big kid vocabulary is out the window and it's semi-nonverbal time for you.)

"What?? Why?? I don't wanna do that do it yourself." Ben protests quickly, going back to his phone.

"Dude I can't, I feel numb all of the time how, how would I even know?" Toby rebuttals to Ben just as quick.

Ben huffs and takes the bottle in his hand, turning it over his wrist and letting it drip onto him. "Ugh fine gimme that." He waits a second for it to process and see if it's hot or not. Luckily the bottle was just right so he hands it right back to Toby, licking the milk off of his wrist. "Its fine you can give it to the kid now."

Toby takes it with a smile and batting his eyelashes at Ben while he puts the bottle in his large pockets. "Thank you Bennie~" he says with a sickenly, sweet voice. Ben, of course, rolls his eyes at this and keeps at his game.

"C'mon cutie it's time to put you to sleep. Say 'bye-bye' to big brother Bennie!" He says as he hoists you back onto his hip, walking away. You smile and wave at Ben, "Bai Bai Bennie!!" You say happily to him. He looks up and waves back a little at you, a little smile across his face. "Bye gremlin, sleep well."

Toby makes his way back to the room and sits on your guys' bed. He lets out a long sigh as he sits, now situating you onto his lap as he gets ready to feed you. With you rested into his arms and the bottle at the ready, you both were absolutely ready for bedtime. He takes his muzzle off and smiles, kissing your forehead. "Drink up tiny, it's time that... that daddy puts you sleep! I'll head to bed once you're snoozin away don't worry kiddo."

He brings the bottle up to your lips and before he can even tell you to open wide you already do so, guzzling down the sweet drink he made you. Toby absolutely melts at how cute you are, squishing you a little closer just to relish in you. And of course, you cuddle into him just as much.

He always does such a good job at taking care of you and doing all the little things. Even though his tics can get in the way or startle you awake again, you never get angry with him or fuss. Maybe it was new to navigate at first but you know that it was out of his control and he always does his best to keep them under control when it's necessary.

Finally, you finish your bottle and bury your face into his chest. Curling up and fully starting to fall asleep again. Toby puts your finished bottle on the nightstand and rests his cheek on top of your head for a few seconds. Just to savor this moment. He loves these moments so much. He softly rocks you as you drift to sleep, rubbing your back gently as he does.

"I love you baby. I'll head to bed too." He says before laying down fully with you in his arms as he pulls the covers over you both. With a quick kiss on your cheek the night is once again peaceful and you're together again.

♡

A/N: Waaah! It's finally finished!! It took me so, so long to do everything but its finished and I'm so proud of myself for sticking it out QwQ I really hope you guys liked this story, it's truly just so nostalgic to me and honestly has such a nice place in my heart 🩷 This is my first agere fic with a character and I hope I did well!! I was so anxious about this but I think I did well with balancing everything out hehe ૮ ᴖﻌᴖა I'm going to head back to sleep now but I'll have another fic up soon! ૮( ˃ ꒳ ˂)ა if you have any requests or suggestions please comment or submit them to my account I love it when people do those! :3 (also maybe a sorta part 2 with Big brother Ben drowned? ८,,◐⩊◐,,ა ) hehehe okay bye for realsies now, stay safe everyone!૮ ᴖﻌᴖა🩷

[gailthulu]

I hate to be blunt but my uh my cousin's evil husband left a bowl of antifreeze out for all the neighborhood cats, which eats their stomach and intestines from the inside out, INCLUDING neighbors "barn cats". In my town garbage bags FULL of completely mutilated cats were found. They caught the guy but the damage was done. There was another kid in my neighborhood who did that, a kid at school who bragged about killing animals, the older class got sent home from a friend trip early cause kids went into a tractor supply and killed baby chicks. The police and animal control just tell everyone to shoot the roaming pets in their yards, and they absolutely do. What does everyone have to do to get through to you people just list every case of animal death there is? Oh but that's "triggering". Hm. Sad. Do you think the monsters in every neighborhood constantly killing outdoor pets are doing so in a humane manner? NO. They're mutilating them! Google it. Google what a pet looks like skinned alive, one crushed into the pavement, a burned one etc. If you can't even type it into Google how the HELL are you allowing it to happen to your babies? It's sick! What's next "my six month old infant has a brain so I'm gonna let it eat poison in traffic"? If you really don't care about valuing life then don't comment and don't own any living things. But you're not gonna give your uninformed, boldly ignorant opinion on animal care that will get people's pets and local wildlife killed in horrible ways. "Working cat" LMAO. I was raised on a farm, worked at stables and the local conservation facility. You don't know basic husbandry? You can't be bothered to educate yourself or even listen to experts. Animal abuse and neglect goes hand in hand and you shouldn't be allowed to own animals if you're going to throw them to predators, cars, and poison, etc... Here's hoping someone who can be bothered to give a shit confiscates your animals lol

my brother in christ, what the fuck-

not sure when you sent this bc i don't check my asks but like, instead of writing a goddamn novel telling me off for a comment i left on a post probably years ago, maybe put that energy towards rescuing an animal or something.

my views have changed a bit since that comment, assuming I'm thinking of the one you got so indignant about. of course i don't think letting animals, specifically pets, out by themselves is a good idea. domestic cats are like, the #1 cause of the songbird population decreasing (and if i remember right, the extinction of some). i also know people are sick and twisted serial killers in the making that will do terrible things to stray animals. but i swear to god if someone condescends to me like I'm a stupid fucking baby who doesn't know anything again i think i will explode. sending people vitriolic anons is a coward's move in and of itself, but like, going off on someone without knowing their background, without knowing how old the post or comment was, or without knowing them personally is generally just a bad move.

i know i should probably just delete this ask and go but like, the fact that people still do this whole 'i'm gonna send this person i disagree with a disgustingly long anon ask about why they're a terrible person' thing is fucking bonkers to me. i am sure you have something better to do than traumatize people like PETA activists trying to convince people to go vegan with animal torture porn.

y'all need to get a better hobby. or get a hobby, actually.

[corvidcall]

fnaf? (obligatory) for the meme

also homestuck?

blorbo (favorite character): i am so obsessed with michael afton. when i learned the player character of sister location was the shithead brother from fnaf 4 and the son of the purple guy my third eye opened and i got so invested in the series. mike did that.

scrunkly (my baby): HELPY helpy is my angel and i love him. seeing him brings me joy. in pizza sim when you fuck up the ballpit minigame and helpy breaks his back i cry laughing every time

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave): i think all my faves are probably properly rated and appreciated. except like. the entirety of fnaf 4. (yeah yeah i know everyone thinks the nightmare animatronics are overdesigned and "not scary anymore" because of it but also i think that most people agree that 4 is the scariest in the series so. which is it. i see Nightmare and i piss myself. what do you want.)

glup shitto (obscure fave): Plushtrap. not necessarily as like. his own character or anything but i think in the context of fnaf 4 plushtrap can hold some really interesting metaphorical weight. like... youre playing as the son of a serial killer, and there's a part in the game where you can be spared some torment if you're able to perfectly anticipate the movements of a monster??? Hm.

poor little meow meow (“problematic” fave): they should give gregory a real gun and he should get to shoot as many animatronics as he wants.

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason): im putting william afton in the plinko as we speak

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell): at the bottom of the plinko is the gate to superhell but it does nothing. he always comes back baby!

for homestuck:

blorbo (favorite character): DAVESPRITE. look im a big dave stan. all versions of dave. alpha, beta, candy, meat. all of them. but davesprite is very special to me. the original blorbo. imagine leaving behind your doomed timeline so you can stop past you from making your same mistakes and then you just have to watch a different version of yourself succeed. and also youre a bird now

scrunkly (my baby): HARRY ANDERSON EGBERT. i love john and roxy’s gay ass musical theater son. what a cute guy

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave): Yiffany Longstocking Lalonde Harley. a lot of people hated her but a lot of people in the homestuck fandom are filled with hate and couldnt stop consuming a piece of media they didnt like. i loved Yiffy and i wish i could have seen what her deal was.

glup shitto (obscure fave): Tagora Gorjek, from Friendsim! this one should come as no surprise to people who played friendsim lmao. of course i love the slimy unethical lawyer with “used care salesman” energy. i also liked the hot clown. also unsurprising

poor little meow meow (“problematic” fave): I really liked HS^2 Dirk! I know a lot of people were Big Mad about it and thought it was reversing all his character development from HS, but personally i found him really grating in HS and really compelling in HS^2. Like. idk realizing/deciding that the thing that will save your whole universe is someone needs to be a villain and youre the only one really qualified to do it, salvation through damnation, i will martyr myself by never letting anyone know im a martyr. its good shit. i love that.

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason): I really love Eridan and I really love Equius but i also wanna put them each in a jar and shake them around

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell): I hate Caliborn, and not in a fun haha way but like he genuinely made me so uncomfortable that I stopped reading Homestuck for like 9 months.

[cipher-fresh]

pov you're one of will graham's students

Sure, he was weird. You kind of needed to be if you were in the profession. Death hangs over our heads more solemnly than most people, you've got to be able to crack a joke about it every so often or you'd go nuts. We give our respect to the dead, of course, but we respect them more by preventing further murders. Everyone knows what they've signed up for in an FBI program like this, but still- Professor Graham was odd. He didn't really have any sort of teaching degree- they put him on a two-week course about handling students and sent him on his way. That's what he told us, anyway. It's not like he was even a bad teacher considering, and he always had an energy to his lessons. He communicated efficiently, and although sometimes he feels like he'd forget his head if it wasn't attached to his body, nobody walked out of his class bored. Some research into our teacher, his first name was Will, and he'd been removed from the FBI for something, like an honorable discharge. I think we thought he got injured or something? A few of us had been looking for what specifically happened when we studied together, but none of us had found anything too specific.

Halfway through the semester, he disappeared. We got another teacher, but our never teacher didn't feel the same as him. Professor Graham was working with homicide detectives into the resurgence of the Chesapeake Ripper. Nobody heard much about him until a few months after that, where he was accused of murdering 4 or 5 people, and he went to the BSHCI. Some people from his trial were murdered, there was a mistrial, then the was released because those people were murdered in a similar way to the way he was accused of. So he'd been framed. Wild, right? This isn't even the most insane part. I'd kept up with the trial, because I'd liked him as a teacher and I did think he was weird. I'd liked him, and the idea that he'd killed so many people and infiltrated the FBI churned my stomach. He'd be a case study for years about the ethics of exposing people to so much murder and blood, but hearing he was declared innocent was a relief. My class would have missed out on semi-viral Reddit popularity by admitting we'd been taught about murder by a real murderer, but it's cruel to wish someone was guilty, y'know?

I didn't hear anything else about him for a while- seeing the pictures out from the trial and from Tattlecrime.com was eerie. But that's just it- Freddie Lounds posted on Tattlecrime the other day, Professor Graham insulting that new serial killer the Tooth Fairy- speculating on his home life and everything. Still with me? Okay, and just a few hours ago- the news has reported that serial killer Hannibal Lecter escaped during a prisoner move and Professor Graham either went with him, or chased after him, and then he was in turn, chased by the Tooth Fairy. And then they found that guy dead, drowning in a pile of his own blood by some house, and an additionally drowned-in-blood Professor Graham and Hannibal Lecter, their dead bodies floating in the ocean. What on earth happened?

Every single comment about him on ratemyprofessor.com is about him being covered in dog hair. I'm perplexed. He was acquitted of those murders but there's definitely something else going on here.

[bobasheebaby]

100 New Girl Prompts

So many prompts, most of which are funny. Break at 15 cause it’s mega long.

1 "I'm using my bride/groom card!" — Cece

2 “Can we just take a minute to celebrate me?" — Schmidt

3 “So many emotions." — Nick

4 “I'm totaling my assets. It's really bleak." — Jess

5 “Look at those horny horny hippos.” — Nick

6 “I got mozzarella sticks for fingers." — Nick

7 “Every moment you're on this Earth is a moment I know where you are." — Nick

8 “It is my Secret Santa alias." — Winston

9 “Friend face." — Winston

10 “It's perfectly fine to watch TV all day." — Nick

11 “If I were off my rocker, would I take a weekly selfie with my cat?" — Winston

12 “I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere." — Schmidt

13 “Believe it or not, that's not the first time someone's broken my feeling stick. I have a travel size." — Jess

14 “Put on some pants, or at least some really high socks." — Jess

15 “You like me? You like my personality?" “I was surprised, too.” — Schmidt & Cece

16 "I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone!" — Jess

17 “That's like the president and the vice president not being best friends." — Winston

18 “I'll take the strongest drink you have, and also a wine spritzer on the side in case I don't like it." — Jess

19 “You have the right...to remain hugged." — Coach

20 “If you are for one second suggesting that I don't know how to open a musical, how dare you!" — Schmidt

21 “I was sabotaged by my baby box." — Jess

22 “We are literally the most embarrassing people on the planet." — Jess

23 "It's a weird life, but it's where I'm at right now." — Nick

24 "You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie." — Nick

25 “Go put a dollar in the jar right now." — Coach

26 “This is my jam." — Coach

27 “Saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me!" — Winston

28 “Are we eating or are we not eating?" — Winston

29 "Eating cookies and avoiding confrontation." — Jess

30 “Because it's a great story, and I'm a teller of stories." — Nick

31 “I like being weird." — Jess

32 "This is the worst thing to ever happen to me. I've lived a very fortunate life!" — Jess

33 "I don't like it. It's too much responsibility." — Nick

34 “Are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan? What is this – prison?” — Schmidt

35 “I hate your mustache because I miss your upper lip.” — Schmidt

36 “He’s/She's got that giant heart that's part compass and part flashlight and he’s/she's just the greatest person I have ever met.” — Nick

37 “Who's that guy/girl? It's NAME." — Jess

38 “Watch your front because we've got your back!” — Cece

39 “Picking lint off of a man's/woman’s sleeve is the most intimate gesture.” — Cece

40 “Blast from the past, how's that ass?” — Jess

41 “I hate this. I just wanna sit around and do nothing, but that is not hot.” “That's hot to me. You add some sweatpants to that and that is better than porn.” — Kai & Nick

42 “Look at that font! What is this? Amateur hour? At least use Palatino.” — Nick

43 “I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is like a unique experience.” — Schmidt

44 “Where have you been? I am having a major life crisis, and you guys are, what, just driving around, French kissing each other like a couple of Dutch hookers?” — Schmidt

45 “No sig oths.” “Just say ‘significant others.” “Maybe you have that kind of time, but I’m on a tight sched.” — Schmidt & Cece

46 “I know this isn’t gonna end well, but the whole middle part is going to be awesome.” — Nick

47 “NAME, you’ve been staring at this guy/girl for 5 minutes. Please tell me you’re checking him/her out, otherwise you’re a serial killer. Which would explain a lot.” — Schmidt

48 “This is a horrible neighborhood. There are youths everywhere!” — Schmidt

49 “Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!” — Schmidt

50 “I’m really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I wanna be thinking, ‘Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?’” — Schmidt

51 “Can someone please get my towel? It’s in my room next to my Irish walking cape!” — Schmidt

52 “Have you seen my sharkskin laptop sleeve?” — Schmidt

53 “Don’t pretend to know my pain.” — Schmidt

54 “Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.” — Nick

55 “I don't know what I'm doing emotionally or -- let's be honest -- sexually.” — Jess

56 “What if I have some idea of love in my head and it’s just totally wrong?” — Jess

57 “Life sucks. And then it gets better. And then it sucks again.” — Nick

58 “I like getting older, I feel like I’m aging into my personality.” — Nick

59 “You know, sometimes I feel like I’ve never really felt love.” — Winston

60 “When you care about somebody you do what's best for them even if it sucks for you.” — Schmidt

61 “Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. They’re like the people version of pleated pants.” — Schmidt

62 “I’m gonna have to run all the way home, and I have my slipperiest loafers on.” — Schmidt

63 “Downstairs neighbour put a password on their wi-fi.” — Nick

64 “You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost.” — Schmidt

65 “I’m only attracted to guys/girls who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea.” — Jess

66 “This place is fancy and I don’t know which fork to kill myself with.” — Nick

67 “Without sex, he’s/she’s not your boyfriend/girlfriend. Okay? He’s/She’s a friend you buy meals for.” — Schmidt

68 “I feel like I wanna murder someone. And also, I want soft pretzels.” — Jess

69 “So when I do the chicken dance, I do it a little differently. Instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. It’s more realistic.” — Jess

70 “NAME doesn’t have a life plan. He/She doesn’t have a day plan. I once found a note that he/she wrote to himself that said, ‘Put on pants.'” — Jess

71 “I don’t want to kiss and tell, but I ruined my dresser during intercourse. Will you go to Ikea with me?” — Jess

72 “Can I get an alcohol?” — Nick

73 “I want to kill you, because I respect you. NAME! I think I understand hunting!” — Nick

74 “Look, we’re not trying to be mean. We just don’t want you to be yourself… in any way.”

75 “I have decided to give up on men/women and put all of that energy into tomatoes.”

76 “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, a summer’s day is not a bitch!” — Nick

77 “I only wanna make a drink a coal miner would want. Straight forward. Honest. Something that says, ‘I work in a hole.'” — Nick

78 “I’m not convinced I know how to read, I’ve just memorized a lot of words.” — Nick

79 “I like chipmunks more than squirrels.” — Nick

80 “I can’t believe I’m the sober one. That’s actually never happened before in my life.” — Nick

81 “Beans are nothing but soggy nuts.” — Schmidt

82 “Can I interest you in some white noise?” — Winston

83 “Those are pickles in progress.” — Winston

84 “Who’s talking to you, Depression-era garbage man?” — Coach

85 “I need everyone to shut up.” — Coach

86 “Your asses belong to me now.” — Coach

87 “That’s what’s up, that’s what’s up. No doubt. Diggity.” — Coach

88 “I hate when Schmidt cries. He sounds like a ghost singing ‘Hey Ya.'” — Coach

89 “I’ve made out with half of the guys/girls in this room.” — Cece

90 “You always see the worst in people.” “Yeah, because people are the worst.” — Jess & Nick

91 “I’m sorry we’re not going this weekend.” “But It’s free.” “Did you say free?” “Yeah.” “We’re 100% in. I’ll go pack now.” — Nick & Jes

92 “I’m going to end up alone. I’m going to be a single old man/lady flashing people on the subway.” — Jess

93 “I’ve got two perfectly good forks on the end of my arms.” — Nick

94 “If we needed to talk about feelings they would be called talkings.” — Nick

95 “When you question my pajamas, you make me question our entire friendship!” — Jess

96 “Why can’t I have the things that I want?!” — Schmidt

97 “Bathtubs are medieval filth cauldrons.” — Schmidt

98 “They don’t hate me because I’m old. They hate me because of my personality.” — Schmidt

99 “It’s like you’re ripping the side block out of my mental Jenga.” — Schmidt

100 “I’m not actually quite sure how to stop this.” — Schmidt

[babybutterf1y]

better without you

Why did you close the door the last time you closed one? i realized that keeping the door open was pointless, nothing will ever change. Stripes or polka dots? Stripes. Do you care if people touch you when they’re talking to you? nah I'm italian, it shows that they're interested What is your gender? female. Do you think that people think its obvious? Yeah i mean lololol

How long did your last date last? about an hour or so. he had to be up early to work the next morning. Is your favorite color within 10 feet of you? nopeeee Highlight of your day? getting an extra punch on my donut tour card. Would you rather be on a boat or a plane? yacht

Can you tell when girls (or guys) have eyeliner on? da Can you cook? Yep. How high is your ceiling? no clue, like 7ft Whats the worst job you can think of? hooker Do you swear a lot? every damn day Does the last person you texted have an O in their name? 2. first and last Is everything working in your house? I'm gonna assume so Would you rather have a pool or a trampoline? Pool for sure. Does pop give you energy? No. not even  close TV show you love with a passion? criminal minds. Do you think you learned anything from the worst night of your life? that i am stronger than i think 

Perfect age to get married? 26. soon someone cuff me, I'm running out of time Is it safe to say you own over 20 pairs of shoes? 110% Name a career path that women are known for taking. nurse Favorite type of cookie? sugar cookie from potbelly’s A quality you look for in choosing a significant other? tall. What would I find if I looked in your pocket? Nothing.

What was your first word? ball A musical instrument you wouldnt mind learning how to play? piano. Last time you went to 7-eleven? pride, to get an icee A fast food restaurant that you hate with a passion? wendys Does everyone in your family have a job? da. Going anywhere this weekend? i work a yoga event saturday then going out downtown chi. sunday i work a craft beer festival in lincoln park.  Is your room ever clean? every day What does it mean when you're being quiet? thats I'm annoyed Last person you had a face to face conversation with? grandpa Wheres your phone? on the table next to me Do you know the difference between your and you’re? Yes  How late did you stay up last night? I went to bed around 1 Anyone you’re ready to kill? stevan because he won't answer my snaps. Do you need to get a tan? 110% hence why i got a tanning membership at the gym What do you want? to get my own apartment. Favorite TV show as a kid? out of the box

Whats a show that you absolutely refuse to watch? bob’s burgers How many times have you been in love? looking back on it, twice Go camping or go to a party? party hard. Do you remember how old you were when you started swearing? 12  How many years older than you would you date someone? 6 What was the last thing you pinky swore on? I don’t remembert. Would you consider yourself a nice person? Yes. Are there a lot of mirrors in your house? Probably a typical amount. Has there ever been a serial killer in your house? Not that I’m aware of… Do you know anyone who looks like Adam Sandler? No. True or false: Glee is annoying. I never saw an episode. Last thing you cooked? tacos. Do you use slang often? Some I guess Wear glasses? when needed

About how old was the last person that hit on you? 24 What color are your headphones? black like my soul Would you make a good teacher? Why? Nope.i get annoyed with stupid people Dont you hate those commercials that try too hard? I don’t like any commercials. Is the fan on? No. Any special reason why you're taking this survey? waiting to see if stevan shows up and i finished all my work What does the last text message you sent say? "forget about it”- taylor

Your friend needs you to run to the store to get a pregnancy test. Do you? yesss Do you log out on facebook when you leave the site? No. What color are your underwear? blue How short are your nails? long af Do you like the opposite sex to be dominant or you the one in control? dominant Favorite holiday? Christmas. If I asked you to point to Ohio on a map of the US do you think you could? probs  Youre locked in a room with spiders. Do you have an issue? ew yea Do you wear your most expensive item of clothing often? nah Do you eat a lot of food? Sometimes.

Have your parents ever tried to control your relationship? They tried, i should’ve listened Have you ever had to give someone directions before? Yeah Speaking of which, are you good at understanding driving directions? hahaha nah How many people do you text daily? maritza, taylor, lexi, stevan, aaron, nada, my dad Do you play any instruments? Which instruments do you play? Guitar though I haven’t been played in a while Is there anyone who you call by their last name? brooks and brownie What did you do on your last birthday? blacked out Which of the Seven Deadly Sins do you commit the most? no idea Has anyone ever told you that you’re incapable of whispering? every day

What is your least favorite subject in school? psych  Have you ever been involved in a custody battle before? No Do you know a couple who constantly sucks on each other’s face? da, its gross When was the last time you watched a YouTube video? the other night  Have you ever babysat a newborn baby before? yeah it blows When was the last time you held someone’s hand? Yesterday. How many meals have you eaten today, so far? 2 Do you think it’s stupid for people to call others “hot?” Uh. i mean like no? Do you personally think Wikipedia is a reliable source? It obviously isn’t. Have you ever shopped at Wet Seal before? Did you like it? once, it sucked. Do you care about spending money if it’s someone else’s money? depends What is your favorite Disney movie of all time? cinderella When you were a child, did you ever want to become a wizard/witch? No Would you rather have hardwood floors or carpet? Hardwood. Who was the last person you yelled at? Why? maritza. she was annoying me As a kid, did you ever go to camp? No. Have you ever made out in a movie theater before? Yeah. Are you currently trying to learn to play any instrument? No. When was the last time you went somewhere you thought was haunted? maritza’s house so today Who was the last person to compliment you? aaron How old were you when you got to go on your first date? 13 Would you call your parents over-protective or under-protective? depends Did your parents ever let you play in the pits of those multicolored balls? yeah ha  Have any of your siblings ever had a crush on your significant other? Lol no. Are you the jealous type? No. When was the last time you felt like you were high on life? last weekend at volleywood Do you know someone who cares about themselves more than their child? yesss Do you still watch cartoons on television? no What do you usually order at Taco Bell, if you go there? 3 soft shell tacos, cheese, meat, lettuce Is there anyone currently annoying you? stevan. Do you have freckles? A few. How many dogs do you have, if any at all? 100

Have you ever witnessed someone being beaten up? Yeah. Do you think biting is weird or sexy? It can be sexy. Would you rather be called hot or beautiful? Beautiful. Have you ever had a pet turtle before? No. Do you still sleep with your parents when you’re scared sometimes? i don't even live with my parents Have you ever met someone with two different color eyes? ya Have you ever felt like someone was following you? yes What color shirt are you wearing at the moment? nude Do you enjoy going school shopping? i did. I'm done with school Do you think Pug dogs are adorable or just plain ugly? ass ugly Have you ever met someone who completely resembled their pet? No What was the worst substance you’ve spilled on yourself before? blood Have you ever made out with more than one person in one night? hahahahahaha Do you think there is a soulmate out there for everyone? I don’t believe in soulmates, nor do I think everyone wants one.

Do you like short or long surveys the best? Somewhere in the 30-50 question range. Have you ever bought fake money and tried to make it pass for real? No. Are your siblings nice the majority of the time? Yes. Do you freak out when a thunderstorm comes along? No How often do you shower? Every day Have you ever had to sell something for a school fundraiser? yeah How many sodas do you usually drink in one day? Zero. Have you ever met someone who was completely weird all-around? Yep. Do you ever watch any soap operas? No. Have you ever met someone who was mean to everyone? I guess. Do you usually have a low tolerance for pain or high tolerance? I have a high tolerance. Would you rather eat or sleep? sleep Are you one of those die hard Twilight or Harry Potter fans? neither Do your parents ever force you to talk to your grandparents? i live with them, so i have to talk to them Do you think long surveys are boring or entertaining? It depends on the questions in them. Have you ever learned that someone had lied to you all along? Yeah. Have you ever wanted to be a lawyer? yea Have you ever had to bail someone out of jail before? No. Is there anyone in your immediate family who was adopted? No Do you know anyone who doesn’t have any common sense? lexi When was the last time you bought something? today i got donuts and bubble tea Do you think you look anything like your parents? my mom What are your plans for this weekend? I already answered this. What color is your significant other’s hair? single

Have you ever applied for a job at Walmart before? no i have an education Would you ever become a foster parent? no. Are you ashamed of anyone in your family? haaahhaha Would rather talk to someone on a landline or a cell phone? facetime Has anyone ever given you a psychiatric assessment? yeah What is your favorite amusement park? 6 flags Did you ever have braces? Yes. What is cuter: kisses on the forehead of the cheek? forehead Do you believe in evolution or creation? Evolution. Would you rather take a bath or a shower? Why or why not? Shower.  Does it bother you when people touch your personal items? no. When was the last time you did something sexual? Last weekend Do you collect anything? What? pins. shot glasses. boy’s souls Are you better at hand-drawing things or painting? I have no artistic talent. Have either of your parents ever called you a failure before? No. Have you ever suspected someone of cheating on you? Yeah and I was right. When you get married, will you convert your last name? sure Are your parents divorced, married or separated? Married. Has someone ever left a relationship with you for someone else? da What’s the most painful thing you’ve ever experienced? an abusive relationship When was the last time you went shoe shopping? couple days ago Are you a part of any clubs at your school, if you still go to school? pi theta alumni Do you know someone who wears a wig? casey but she's black and its a weave sooooooo  What is your best friend’s last name? bolyard When was the last time you cried? For what reason? today, rocco got so scared of a firework and he took off running, poor dog. What is your favorite shop to go to at the mall? forever21. What time do you usually go to bed on the weekends? 5am Have you ever considered suicide? no Have you ever been raped before? Yeah Would you ever consider becoming a marine biologist? yea. Did you carry a lunchbox as a child? yea What is your favorite ‘sweet’ to eat? candy candy Are you someone who usually eats when you’re bored? Now and then. Have you ever eaten your way through a breakup? No. Who was the last person you texted? lexi Do you usually buy popcorn when you eat at the movie theater? Maybe half the time. Did you sleep alone or with someone last night? Alone. What kind of dressing do you eat on your salad, if any? honey mustard  Are you someone who constantly likes to wear hats? yes, dad cps Have you ever seen a Lifetime movie that relates to your life? probs What is your Myspace URL? What year is this? Are you someone who likes to wear dresses more than pants? in the summer. Have you ever dated someone who was way overprotective of you? hahaha yea, it was disgusting   What was the last thing you touched besides your keyboard? my phone When was the last time you witnessed a fist fight? end of school Do you know anyone who lives in the state of California? yes

Are you waiting for a text right now? uh huh fuckin stevan Is it your summer vacation right now? i mean no i graduated and am an adult so Do you like traveling? Yes. I wish I could do it more often and farther afield. What color are the walls of the room you’re in right now? white Do you still make mix cds? No. Are you eating or drinking anything right now? nope

Do you go to church regularly? no, I'd burn Who’s your best friend? tay bae Are you determined? About some things

Are you always looking for/in a relationship, or do you like being single? i like being single but its time to find someone Ever had your heart broken? Yeah. Even broken someone else’s heart? Yeah. Are you confident? yeah. When’s the last time you smiled? Earlier. Are you tan? No.

Any big plans for today/tonight? supposed to meet trent for drinks What’s the background on your computer? my cousins and i from christmas

Do you have days where you just want to listen to sad songs? Yeah. Don’t you hate when your plans fall through? yssss Ever maxed out a credit card? all the time How old are you? 22 Who’s the last person you kissed? i don't want to answer  Are you hoping they will also be the next person you kiss? lol no Do you ever actually go on dates? i have one tonight.