#its 1am and im tired and my brain is telling me to MAKE | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

checkers-dance · 1 year

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HELLO CHECKERS. IM SO FUCKING SORRY. IM HERE AGAIN JVJFNVFNVJV. listen. whenever anything tragic happens to me i feel like i need to report back to you, its a tradition to me. anyway, this actually happened a few days ago but i was so emotionally distraught and so embarrassed of myself that i was avoiding telling you about it but here i am. im sorry to you and your followers for making u read this shit but i was going through an arc.

SO ANYWAY. after the lucas apparition my dear friend rebo became suddenly obsessed with what happened. you need to understand she's relatively normie, like, she knows abt the weird shit i get up to but she knew nothing abt the enceeteeverse, i think she was deliberately ignoring it for her sanity. but the lucas apparition devastated her and i think as some sort of coping mechanism she tried to find meaning to our shared trauma. so she was wondering. why did lucas choose us. what do we have in common. for some fucking reason she got the idea to combine our discord colors and she got lilac. she then googled lilac enceetee (IM TRYING NOT TO SAY THE ACTUAL NAME BC MY ASKS TO YOU SHOW ON SEARCHES AND IF ANY NORMAL PERSON SEES THIS I WILL DIE) and apparently they released A SPECIAL VERSION OF STICKER THAT WAS LILAC???? so my friend was determined. she decided to listen to the WHOLE ALBUM. i joined her eventually. our thoughts on the music are irrelevant, but what you need to know is that at some point we started looking for clues on the lyrics and if something reminded of us a song we would jump to that song and try to find a meaning to it. we called it the nct arg. this went on for A WHILE. eventually noxia and our friend lynx and joined us and we were all just fucking around deciphering the clues.

we got so into it. and at some point we did actually find what you could call a message if you want to, except it was in all in our heads. its such a good example of the way the brain searches for pattern.

after a long search, our clues lead us to this video. i can still remember the way we were all screaming at like 1am... you need to understand that at this point i was so invested in our made up story that for one small second it didn't compute that this was a a prank. like my heart dropped to my stomach vnjfvfnvjvnjv OBVIOUSLY I IMMEDIATELY REALIZED WHAT WAS GOING ON BUT THATS HOW FAR GONE I WAS...

so the rest of the night was us trying to figure out who the fuck made the video. i was so tired at this point, so while everyone was arguing i was just looking up dumb shit on youtube. and i thought haha wouldnt it be funny if i looked up "lucas horror game." so i did. checkers.... i found a game called LUCAS THE BASEMENT. I THINK THIS IS WHAT BROKE ME. IDK WHAT HAPPENED BUT THAT GENUINELY MADE ME SO UPSET??? I FELT SO OVERSTIMULATED AND IRRATIONALLY ANGRY, ITS VERY FUNNY LOOKING BACK BUT THE HORRORS FELT SO REAL... i calmed down. sort of. and then i keep looking up dumb shit, as if i hadn't just learned what that gets me. i looked up "lucas the hedgehog" bc idk i thought it sounded funny. the first fucking result had the word STICKER in it. THIS MADE ME FEEL WORSE. I WAS SO GENUINELY UPSET NVFJNVJFVN

eventually it was revealed that it was both noxia and lynx fucking with us. i was so tired, i just left call and went to bed. but you need to understand the distress was so real to me i genuinely didnt sleep well that night. like i woke up and it felt like i didnt sleep at all. THIS IS GOING TOO FAR, IM TIRED.

anyway. do NOT listen to encee fucking tee, it ruined my life, i want to escape. i keep seeing patterns everywhere. its consuming me. i cant remember when this was but one day a mutual saw me having an enceetee breakdown and said "im starting to genuinely feel bad for you" NOOOOO JFVNJFVNNFV. im ok. im fine. lucas isn't real.

Oh ghskfkskfks I forgot abt the asks showing up in searches based on keywords, rip. Every time I get another ask like this I think the lore can't get any worse AND THEN IT DOES. I can't believe they pranked u, that's so funny but so 😭😭. Also someone should make a meme out of this w the dominoes falling and the first step is becoming obsessed w the lucas in the basement jokes and we still haven't reached the last step. Anyway thank u for keeping me updated on this, at least ur pain and confusion had a purpose (sending me funny unhinged asks abt encetee shenanigans)

#asks

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enhy4en · 2 years

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enhypen hyung line as college roommates

pairing: enhypen hyung line x gn!reader

genre: fluff, roommate trope

warnings: not proof read! few curse words, kisses.. that's it i think, please lmk if i missed anything

word count: 1.8k

note: this will be my first writing post on tumblr ever! as a college freshman, these bullets are really not accurate because I still live with my parents lmao and i'm still doing online school. ANYWAY this is what my brain came up with. let's start <3

heeseung

okay, he would be quiet as FUCK

he is a frickin infp, man’s introverted

he only speaks when spoken to

BUT he would be protective, i can see that

being two years your senior, he definitely gives you all the advice you could ever need.

best study places? he knows them all.

where to and not to party? he tells you everything.

even professors to watch out for. AND HE DOESNT EVEN HAVE THE SAME PROGRAM AS YOU

after two months, he’d have already warmed up to you.

no more introverted heeseung! you only knew loud and funny heeseung.

you don’t know why, but he definitely cracked more jokes when you’re around. (his friends said so the one time they came over)

as for cooking, you both would fight. either he’s lazy or you don’t want another ramen night.

it got tiring. until you noticed it’s 10pm and dinner was FAR from ready, you shook your head and headed over to the kitchen with youtube open on your phone playing the first cooking video you saw.

you didn’t realize it until it was time to add the green onion to the kimchi fried rice you were making that heeseung practically cut up all of the ingredients you needed.

“whe- how?”

“you were reaaally focused.” he shrugged and snatched the ladle from your hands so he could transfer the rice into two separate bowls.

“you could be a good sous chef, you know? have you considered shifting to culinary?”

“i’m literally one and a half year from graduating, y/n.”

that night, you both didn’t sleep until 2 in the morning.

past midnight, you both decided to clean up.

1am, you two were in front of the microwave waiting for the timer to go off.

2am, the movie you were watching during dinner and well after the popcorn rolled credits.

you see your roommate on the couch, eyes shut, head leaning towards you.

he appears to be coming closer.

you look away. ‘what is he doing?’ you think to yourself.

you suddenly feel two arms on your waist, tightening its grip. you hear “you’re my favorite roommate.” from the voice you’ve been hearing consistently the past two months.

others after the cut!

jay

i do not know if im emotionally ready for this (prolly not) but let’s go

he’s been your bestest friend for most of high school so it’s a no-brainer when you both got into the same university that y’all will be roommates.

bickering. all. day. long.

“i’m showering first.” you reminded him when attempts to open the door.

“then why aren’t you HERE?”

“i’m getting in the mood, okay?”

very chaotic.

there is one time though when you both seem to have a cease-fire.

that time being when you got sick.

he had only one class that day so the whole three hours he was gone, was the only time you felt peace after five months of living with him.

the peace you felt being a good nap. when you woke up, you heard noise in the kitchen.

“jay, is that you?”

“guess!”

you rolled your eyes and decided to get up since your nap did 50% of the medicine’s work, one that you were supposed to take.

only you ran out so you waited for jay to buy some.

“what are you doing here?” jay, turning his back from the stove to face you, questioned.

you turn his back around again, “chill. i don’t feel that sick anymore. what are you cooking?” you peeked through his shoulders with a tip-toe to see that he was cooking soup, the one your mom makes for you when you don’t feel well.

“oh my god, you love me THAT much?” you said with a hint of sarcasm and teasing

“yeah, of course. why do you think i put up with your bullshit for 6 years, huh? of course, i’m in love with you.”

“woah, IN LOVE? JAY WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?”

his confession was so sudden

and that resulted in him PLAINLY AVOIDING you for three days

“jay, can we at least TALK about it? i swear i’m gonna go insane if you go another second of ignoring me.”

“i was planning on confessing, okay? and i planned it to go way better than that. c’mon...” he looked down.

“well, i think it was perfect.”

“sorry for ruining our friendship-” you cut him off with, “i like you too, you know?”

“WHAT?” an ‘o’ formed with his mouth. he was so cute.

he finally looked up to see your expression. when his eyes met yours, both of your lips formed a smile. his eyes a perfect crescent.

“so...” he started.

“so...” you continued.

“what now?” you said together.

he shook his head, still with the unstoppable smile. “come here.” he opened his arms, gesturing a hug.

“i really thought...” he said under his breath, with his chin touching the top of your head.

“shut up and kiss me.”

jake

hella awkward at first.

you're both international students so there's gotta be solidarity or something, right?

WRONG.

you and jake didn't talk for two weeks.

nods and waves were the only forms of communication.

that was enough, i guess?

it was fortunate that your schedules were the exact opposite. all of your classes were in the morning and all of his were in the afternoon.

you only ever saw each other when you both get food in the common area.

day 13. you became really tired of this. you wanted a new friend.

so you wait for him to come home after his last class finished.

“hey jake!” you said after he locked the door.

“huh? yeah, hi?” he looked confused. maybe because he was. this was the only time he heard you speak other than your first day in the dorms, when you first introduced yourself.

you scrambled your brain to come up with what to say and nothing comes. so you just said, “nothing. just wanted to talk to you more. uh.. good night!” And walked back to your room like you didn’t just wait 2 hours on the couch.

the day after, he started talking to you more. and it didn’t take too long for you to become close. and a month into this some kind of friendship, you started to form some kind of a routine.

study sessions in the cafe nearby. every week.

it started with him just asking where you were going one night and to your surprise, he came with you to the cafe that night because he said he wants to go somewhere to study too.

ever since then, when the clock strikes 9 in the evening, you were both packing up to go down to your trusty coffee shop.

you noticed at most nights, jake doesn’t even bother to open his laptop (that he supposedly brought to study) and he just goes on his phone. you even caught him one time taking a picture of you. “you were making a funny face,” was his excuse.

you were not making a funny face. you don’t know what was going on inside his head.

“jake, if you don’t have to study, you know you don’t have to come with me. right?” you cornered him the next week. you felt a bit guilty because you thought he was forced to go with you every time ever since the first study night.

“but, y/n, i WANT to go with you.”

“why?”

“i just like your presence. if i’m bothering you, then i won’t go anymore. is that good?”

oh.

he likes your presence.

“jake! oh my god, are we friends now?” you asked him with shock and a hint of teasing.

“yeah, of course we’re fr- WAIT YOU DIDN’T SEE ME AS A FRIEND BEFORE?”

“yeah, no. you were more like an acquaintance to me.”

“MY COMING WITH YOU EVERY WEEK TO THE CAFE... was that not our friendship bonding?”

“sure, but you don’t really talk to me... jake.”

“why do we both suck at starting conversations?”

sunghoon

another introvert.

this will be hard. especially, considering that he was one of the last people you'd want to be your roommate.

he hates you for goodness's sake.

well, maybe not hate BUT you’re sure he is out to get you

it’s hard having your academic rival as your roommate, no?

imagine, the one who races you to answer your professor just to annoy you is the same person you have to see each morning.

the one who always compares both of your scores is the same one who is now making coffee just outside your door.

can your university experience get any worse?

a deep breath later and your door is open. you need to go to school anyway.

you nodded at sunghoon and headed to the bathroom to shower.

you were running late, so you did everything as fast as you could.

then, you remembered as you were finishing up

you forgot to eat! you always liked to eat before showering, it was comforting.

it gave the slow vibe of a weekend morning. but now, all of that's gone.

all because of your annoying roommate who you were trying to avoid a while ago..

ultimately, you decided to eat just after your first class.

it’s only for an hour, i can do it. you thought about its duration. you can go back to your apartment to eat, without any distractions.

okay, it’s been decided! let's go to class.

you got out, all dressed and wondered, “where is he?”

why were you looking for sunghoon anyway

you shook your head and picked your keys up to go out.

an hour later, you heard noises as you were unlocking your apartment door.

you thought to yourself, sunghoon is gone for the day, right?

is there someone else inside? what if it was a thief?

so you inhaled as you opened the door.

while you were expecting a black masked figure, you saw the last person you’d thought to see.

sunghoon.

“you didn't eat breakfast.” he said simply and pointed to the dining table where he was sitting.

he continued, “so i cooked.”

“you weren’t even here when i finished showering.”

he shrugged. “groceries, duh.”

you laughed through your nose. “always an answer for everything. huh, sunghoon?”

“you bet,” he smiled and continued, “this doesn't mean we're friends. remember that.”

“of course. even the time when you took care of me when i was drunk, we weren't friends then.”

“yes! we weren't, we aren't, and we will definitely will not be friends.”

“you're insufferable, sunghoon.”

“not as much as you, though.” and he had the audacity to wink.

he was wrong, by the way.

both of you became friends soon after that.

then, lovers.

wait. that makes him... half right. you both are certainly not friends now.

“oh my god. was that what you meant by us never being friends?!” you jump up from your slumber.

you both were taking a nap. it was a nice sunday afternoon.

in your shared bed, sunghoon turns to face you.

he jolted his eyes in confusion. why were you screaming well into the afternoon? he didn't know.

but he did.

“we were never going to be friends because,” he paused to grab onto you and be closer to your scent.

“i was already in love with you then.”

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taehyungsleftear · 4 years

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Crave // (M)

Genre: smut; changkyunbadboy!au; changkyunxreader

warnings: denied orgasm.

summary: You’ve had a crush on Im Changkyun for the longest time and for all you know, he doesn’t know you exist... until you go to a party with your friend. At his house.

a/n: i’ve had this in my drafts for the longest time lmao i’m sorry if there are any spelling mistakes i’m way too lazy to check it and it’s 1am lmao enjoy (:

__________________________________________

You’re dancing at the house party your friend invited you to. You’re not really sure why she invited you, since you know no one there other than her, although your crush was there — that could’ve been the main reason for her bringing you along. You try to focus on spending time with your friend and having fun but your eyes keep falling on Changkyun. You mentally kick yourself every time you find yourself staring at him.

Your friend, as drunk as she is, wanders off to the bathroom with another friend she came with. You try and follow her, but the party’s too rough to walk through alone. You manage to push through a few people to the nearest empty seats. You sit there for a while, staring at your drink, not intending on even tasting it. You’re about to stand up and leave the party since your friend disappeared and there’s no one you know, when someone sits down beside you. It’s Changkyun. He slides one hand around your waist and pulls you close next to him. You don’t know how to react since he’s been your crush for over four years. He turns his face to yours and places one hand on your cheek before pulling your lips against his to an endless kiss that you wished would last forever. He pulls away, takes your hand and leads you up a staircase just in the middle of the house.

You then realize it’s his house when he takes you to his room. He leads you to the bed and lays you down in the middle. He climbs on top of you, between your legs and starts kissing you slowly. As much as you enjoy his embrace, you push him away and look at him with a glum face. “What about the other girls? And that pretty blond girl? I don’t want to be like them,” you say to him, trying to make him get the hint that you want him to be only yours. He smirks at you and just says, “I knew you were coming to my party, so i got them here to tell them that whatever was going on between us would stop tonight.” You just stare at him with a surprised look on your face. He starts kissing you again, more passionately this time, convincing you that his words were true. He too only wanted you.

You kiss him back and wrap your arms around his neck as he moves his hands around your waist, underneath you. Your body tingles at the feeling of his hands on you. You’d been waiting so long for this day, you’d thought it would never come. He pulls you up into a sitting position as he turns you around on top of his member and he lays down on his back. Now you were in control. You pulled back and unbuttoned is shirt and he complied and took it off.

You sit on him for a while, feeling his abs and admiring his face. You go in to kiss him again when you realize it’s late and you probably have to go home and your friend would be looking for you. “I’m really sorry i would stay for longer but i have to go. My friends probably looking for me and frankly i’m pretty tired too...” you say sheepishly, still on top of him. “It’s fine, your friends been taken home safely. You’re staying here tonight sweetheart,” he says as he winks at you. You feel a sudden nervousness in your stomach as the words come out his mouth. “There’s just one problem... there’s only one bed.” You feel your legs give out from under you and your vision go black and you fall onto Changkyun’s chest.

You wake up and your eyes are a bit blurry. You can smell a faint scent of bacon from somewhere in the distance. You’re very comfortable and you don’t know where you are, but you know it’s day time. You rub your eyes with the hand closest to your face and you can finally see. You’re snuggled in Changkyun’s arms, against his bare chest , giving and receiving heat. You’re too warm to move and too comfortable to look up. A sudden cold breeze blows onto your neck out of nowhere and you snuggle your face into Changkyun’s neck. He giggles a little and holds you tight. He whispers in your ear, “I think breakfast is ready.” You can feel his hot breath on your neck and it makes you shiver and gives you butterflies.

You register what he said and you sit up and look at him sternly. “Uhh i don’t think i’m ready to meet your parents,” you blurt out a bit too quickly. He just smiles at you and says, “my parents aren’t here for the weekend, don’t stress.” You give a little sigh of relief when you hear his words. “Thank god,” you say. He climbs out the bed and picks you up like a baby and places you on your feet on the floor. You couldn’t help but notice you were in his shirt (and not in the dress you were wearing last night) that was way too big for you, but you didn’t think much of it.

He takes your hand and leads you out the door, and towards the kitchen. His housemaids are cleaning up the mess from the previous night and you can’t believe how you didn’t realize how rich he was before you ended up sleeping in a bed with him. You finally make your way to the kitchen and sit in a chair at the kitchen island. The food was already set out in the table for you and him, so you both sat down and started eating. Once you’ve both ate, a man takes your plates and puts them in the pantry around the corner. You assumed that was his butler.

“I can see you’re tired — i think we should stay in bed today,” Kyun suggested. You just nod your head and he once again, takes your hand and leads you back to the room. You climb into the bed and he climbs in next to you. You lie on your side, facing him and he just lies on his back, playing on his phone. You admire the way he does things and how he keeps his expression the same no matter what is happening. His unoccupied hand, that was under the blanket, finds its way to yours, and he entwines his fingers with yours.

Before you knew it, his face was inches away from yours and you could feel his breath on your lips. His eyes are fixed on your lips. He slowly licks his lips, making you want to jump him right then and there, but you were confused as of what was going on between the two of you. That thought, though, was pushed to the back of your brain as he pressed his lips against yours and pulled you closer. He held you tight, leaving no space between the two of you. You could feel his harden and press against you, setting you off and making you whine into his mouth. That seemed to be all he needed. He turned onto his back and put you on top of him, like last night. “Let’s finished what we started, ey?” he said in a low, gruff voice and a dark look in his eyes.

You just kissed him since you had no idea how to respond. He already wasn’t wearing a shirt so you just slowly maneuver your hands down his chest and abs and stop at his waistband, to tug slightly. You could feel him growing bigger by the second — he couldn’t handle your tease for much longer. You slowly slid his pants half way down his waist, and he couldn’t take it anymore. One second he was under you, and the next he was on top of you. It looked as though his pants were about to rip as he unbuttoned them and slid out of them easily. After he took them off, he looked at you with dark eyes. “Sit on the edge of the bed. Now.”

Oh shit. He was this type of guy in the bed. You immediately do what he says. “Open your legs for daddy.” He says, a smirk on his face. Your face goes red with embarrassment and you slowly open your legs. He lifted up the shirt you were wearing, over your head and tossed to the side. You weren’t wearing anything under it other than panties, and you were pretty sure those were going to be tossed to the side soon as well.

He stared at your half naked body for a while, scanning you up and down. “God you’re beautiful.” he says, eyes not leaving your body. It only took those words to set your body on fire and heat up your core completely and desire pooling between your legs. He kisses your lips and starts moving down to your neck. He bites and sucks on your neck, leaving marks, making you his, and his only. He moved down your neck to your chest, just briefly letting his tongue slide over your now hardened buds. He moved down to your stomach and started sucking again. You moan in pain every time he bites down, but you knew you liked it.

He went down to your thighs, and started kissing you softly and sucking slightly. Your body was on fire and you couldn’t handle it; you were begging for some sort of release. You tugged at his hair while he sucked on your inner thighs and you could feel his grin against your skin. He made his way to your core, and slid his tongue over your wet slit, making you gasp at the sudden contact. He slides his tongue inside you and tastes your womanhood, his hand on your hips holding them down.

Every now and again he would suck on your clit and keep you begging for more. “Kyun! I-I’m gonna cum d-don’t stop!” you shouted, and as the words came out your mouth, he removed his mouth from you, leaving you on the verge of losing it all. You sat up quickly, looking at him, “what the fuck?” You said. He chuckled deeply and moved his lips to your ear, so close you could feel his hot breath on your neck. “I’m not gonna let you cum unless it’s my cock that’s inside you.”

#monsta x im changkyun #monsta x #changkyun x reader #changkyun #mx smut #changkyun smut

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g0ldengubler · 4 years

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chapter 8 ~ the party...

A/N: im sorry for the chapter seeming very rushed and quick. i was mad at myself for taking forever of chapter 2 of positions but get ready for chapter after chapter coming up as a holiday gift :) also thank you guys so so so much for 400 followers and im sorry i’m saying my thanks now. it really means a lot to me :’) i hope u guys are still here and thank u for reading :)

Category: fluff

CW: cannabis use; consumption of alcohol; mentions of sex

Word Count: 2360

before you read | next chapter

masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spencer's POV~

We had the whole weekend planned: go fishing, read by the lake, walk through the forest and appreciate nature in all its beauty. But in a bittersweet turn of events, it ended up raining the whole time. So we ended up spending our time inside, reading to y/n in the afternoon while she sipped on her coffee, going out to the balcony at night and look at the stars because that was when the clouds would pull apart until the day came where we woke up to the peaceful sound of rain hitting the windows and the roof. I rambled on and on with what I knew about space and constellations as she let the sensations of the blunt or joint she rolled up take over her body, relaxing her.

As the weekend went on, after the first night, I didn't know what I felt about her. She was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. The way she spoke was like poetry to my ears. When we smoked and just lay out on the couch, the way she would explain her thoughts gave me butterflies. This was all really new to me, falling for a girl and having some kind of a chance that it could happen. Was there a chance there? I'm a profiler and I can read people by their micro expressions, especially when someone's in love. But with her, I couldn't even read her micro expressions. It bugged the hell out of me, but I would let it out through cuddles that happened naturally and little kisses that'd happen out of nowhere.

On the last night, it was pouring down rain, harder than it would the last couple of nights where it would only sprinkle. We had made some popcorn and y/n thought of the idea to listen to old time radio ghost stories that were then put out on the internet as podcasts. While it was playing, she grabbed her grinder and looked inside. We had pretty much finished the last of our stash this morning for what she called a "wake'n'bake", which was definitely a great way to start the day. She quickly grabbed the bong from the kitchen counter and started packing it with what I thought was nothing.

"What are you doing, silly?" I asked.

"Just packing a kief bowl." She said, very nonchalant.

I gave a confused look, then she rolled her eyes and explained, bringing the grinder closer to me. "See all this? This has all the different strains we smoked. With all of this mixed together, we'll be really really gone."

She continued to pack the bowl as I sat there ready. She grabbed the lighter when she was done and explained how she'll smoke half and I'll take the other. I watched as she put the top around her mouth. A huge cloud exhaled out of her as she moved her head up to the ceiling, which then after started coughing up a storm. I offered her water but she pushed it away, trying to say she was fine.

We continued to smoke bowl after bowl a few more times until there was nothing left in grinder. Y/n nuzzled her head onto my chest as we lay on the couch, letting those tingles intensify our senses and our minds wonder. She was right, this was probably the most high I've felt before. Every movement we made was slowed down and I could see that my arm was as if it was split in two, but was transparent like a ghost. I could barely even move as the sensations were too overwhelming in the best way possible, let alone try to figure out if this was what being this high was like or really how the brain can do this, but I also wasn't really trying either and let the waves relax me.

As I played with her hair, I couldn't pay attention to the episode because all of my thoughts were of her. I wanted this all the time, the stillness and calmness that brought peace and happiness to the atmosphere-that she brought to our atmosphere. I wanted her to feel safe in my arms and never let go. Getting to know her like this on a deeper level ever since we first met made me fall in love with her everyday we were together bit by bit. I never want to let go of her.

"Do you ever have the fear of giving your heart to someone?"

Her question shocked me, breaking the process in my head. I didn't know what to say but, "What do you mean?"

"Have you ever given your heart to someone, doesn't even have to be romantically, giving them you're all and love and care, to then suddenly watch them break it bit by bit as if they're breaking down the wall that you had built for yourself, instead of you taking each brick off piece by piece and handing it to them?"

There was silence. No words that I could think of could answer a question like that.

"I've given my heart away to so many people, and I don't know why they break it every time." She moved to where she used her elbow for support in between me and the couch. "Spence, I wish we could stay like this forever. I have these feelings for you that I never really, or truly, felt for another person before. Even though we've only known each other for a short time, I think I'm in love with you. There's just something about you that makes me feel safe. For the first time, it's like all my walls fall when we're together, I have this feeling of giving you my all, my care and support, my love. All of it. I want you, Spencer. And, this feeling I have about all of my protection crumbling down, I'm only just a little bit scared of letting it break."

I pulled her in and kissed her. I let my lips do all the talking, telling her how much I loved her, too and now nothing was going to break her down. We pulled away and she gave me a look of confusion and happiness, as if she was scared to let the happiness show through.

"I feel the same way. Exactly, the same way," I said, "I'm in love with you, too, and it's all new to me also. You're like a beautifully written poem, y/n. I could listen to you day and night and never get tired of it. You have a beautiful mind that I want to explore each and every day. I never want to let you go. Will you stay...with me?"

This time she pulled me in after a moment of pause. Our lips crashed like fireworks, yet moved together in perfect tempo. Without breaking, she moved on top of me slowly. I let my hands wonder all over her body as she cupped my face. We were passionate. We were needy. We were in love. Everything was perfect, and everything felt right.

—

Y/n's POV~

You two had left pretty early in the morning for your adventure back to D.C. Somehow, both of you couldn't sleep at all, even though you were pretty well gone to the point of passing out, so you decided you’ll leave at 5am so then hopefully you’d get back in the afternoon. The whole ride, Spencer held your hand, no matter who was driving. I'm in love. You couldn't wrap your brain around it, but for the first time, it felt like your heart knew better than your head. Nothing about this felt wrong. You had found the one that you had been looking for my whole life. Nothing was going to pull you away from him, and you were not going to allow that in the slightest.

On your way back, Rossi called about meeting up tonight at the bar for drinks, which kind of ruined your plans to stay in and cuddle, but you both figured it'd be nice to see them again. You told him we'd be there and hung up. The rest of the ride was just you listening to Spencer ramble about books he's read in last month. You forgot this man can finish books in half an hour, so the fact that he read more books in a month than the average person was astonishing. He talked about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Oscar Wilde and their beautiful works of literature, and you never drifted off to sleep once, your mind didn't even wonder as his soothing voice was in the background. It's quite beautiful hearing someone talk about something they're passionate about.

When you got back to the city, you went to your place so you can grab my things. You told Seth that you’d be back officially tomorrow, gave goodbye kisses to your children, and went back to Spencer's, where you both freshened up and got ready for night. You had an adorable shower that turned just a bit quite naughty. You talked about how you both wanted to tell the others, and while you said you were fine if you told them now, Spencer's response was very well said. "They're very nosy, so I always thought I'd just keep it secret until I felt ready. But this is different. We're on vacation, so Hotch isn't going to have 'the talk' with us until we're back at work. It feels right, everything feels right with you."

Once you were done getting ready, you headed to the bar, where you were told specifically where to park (Garcia had texted saying that she's friends with the owner and that she'd make sure they were safe. She also mentioned that an uber was going to pick them up at around 1am to go back to her place to pass out. She was, for sure, the mom of the group. More than Jj was at that). Right away, you saw the gang sitting in a corner booth, and once they saw Spencer was holding your hand, they all either were speechless with their jaws sitting on the table or ran up to you and gave hugs and congrats. Morgan had to pull Garcia away from you so you could sit down, which thankfully for her, you ended up sitting right in between her and Spencer, so her arms went right back around you.

"How much has she had already?" You asked laughing.

"Well, she started with jager." said Morgan

"Jager?!" You was shocked. "Did she drink the whole bottle?"

"You'd think," said Rossi from the other side of the table. He sat in between Hotch and Emily, drinking his bourbon before continuing to speak, "she's only had two glasses."

"You guys definitely seem to be where the party's at then, huh?"

"You can never go wrong on us for a party." said Emily.

Spencer ordered you two some beers and a couple of vodka shots each. The music wasn't so loud to where you had to yell over one another, but the sound of classic rock filled the building top to bottom. You clanked your shot glasses together and took the shots before taking a sip of your beer as a chaser.

"Look at you, kiddo," Rossi said to Spencer, "where's the Spencer that would get an ice tea or a shirley temple instead of...a beer and shots?"

"Yeah, you can't tell me that all this of this started happening that night at Garcia's?" asked Jj.

The two of you made eye contact and were silent for a moment before bursting out laughing. "So it DID start at my place," said Garcia, "I knew it! I'm such a good cupid." She danced happily in her spot which made everyone giggle.

"You are magic, baby girl." said Morgan.

"So, how did it happen?" asked Hotch, "Don't worry, I'm not your boss tonight but we will have to discuss this once our vacation is over."

"Right," You said nervously, "Well, we hung out after that night after we woke up at Garcia's, and then the next day we went up to my family cabin in Michigan for the weekend, and...that's where we confessed."

"And the rest is history!" said Spencer, sounding like a little kid as he tried to hide the amount of excitement he had.

"Well, we're happy for the both of you," said Morgan as he got up from the table, "I think that calls for a round of celebratory shots, since pretty boy over here has proven in the past week that he can handle them."

When he came back with the shots, you all grabbed them from the tray that the bartender let him use and raised them high. "To having an uninterrupted vacation, and to y/n and Spencer!"

"Cheers!" You all said in unison before clanking them together and letting it go down the hatch. As the night went on, you drank and drank until you were all pretty drunk, even Rossi and Hotch, who you didn't think the whole team has ever seen them like before. When Garcia found out it was karaoke night, she grabbed a few of you, yourself and Spencer included, up to the stage where you sang-or slurred, really-changes by david bowie. Emily and Jj had their arms around each other to hold each other up, and Morgan and Garcia were hogging the mic from everyone, but the whole bar could still hear every one of you. You noticed Hotch in the crowd standing next to Rossi, his phone recording the moment so we wouldn't forget.

The last thing you remember was getting into the uber and Spencer being very touchy on the ride back, making sure that Emily, who sat in the passenger seat, didn't notice that anything was going on in the back. His fingers were ghosting your thighs as he whispered, 'The things I wish we could do right now' before his lips connected to neck.

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfic #dr. spencer reid #dr.spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid x reader #spencer x reader #criminal minds #cm #criminal minds fanfic #spencer reid fluff

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cirilee · 4 years

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i just found a text my browser had saved on a word count website, and i apparently typed it last november while being sad - i just wanna have a place to post it, and it explains why i was gone for most of may through november last year.

if you’re interested, u can read, it’s basically just a long long long vent and i wanna save it somewhere :’)

(and if you wanna, you can tell me what u think of the whole thing, maybe share if something like that happened to you too, because man, this whole thing was WEIRD for me)

bottom line is: i’m much better now and have way better friends then back then and in general, i’m a pretty happy person again^^

My parents and me had been fighting a lot the past years. I still love them. For a while though, it was just shouting matches between us. We weren't really speaking to each other throughout january 2019 until april 2019, so i wasn't informed by them that they were planning to mOVE OUT. And the place they wanted to move to only had enough space for 2 people. now my brother and me had 3 months total to find and finance our own flats. i was desperate. 2 months i unsuccessfully searched for a job or a flat or a way to make a deposit for said flat, without any saved up money. an old school friend offered to move out together. i only saw him once every month for group activities. he was nice, but we also had a bit of a history. 3 years ago he had acted kinda scummy and tried to get me to be his girlfriend because "he couldnt find anybody else” - ending in a "movie night with friends" that turned out to be a trap, where the only one spending the night was me because he only invited me. creepy. he apologized and i forgave him and we were chill and it was normal between us. i realize now, that i should have just left him out of my life at that point. but time was running out, so i gave in and asked myself "whats the worst he could do. i’ve known this person for 12 years and the he's part of my friend group" we set up basic rules, how we would pay for stuff, etc. .. we moved in. it seemed fine. then i noticed that he talked A LOT. and he wanted A LOT of attention. after a day of working on my diploma or working at my job, he would assert himself in my room and try to engage in smalltalk. i am not the hermit type. i engaged with him, i joined in on his conversation. but when i was already tired he wouldn't accept "i'm gonna go to sleep". there was always something else he needed to talk about. I was trying to make clear to him that i needed alone time too, but no matter how honest i was, the message either didn't seem to stick, or he'd get upset and start asking me if i hated him. With that, i could have kept up with in the long run. Then he started knocking on my door. even when it was already late and i already told him i was gonna go to sleep. Repeatedly knocking on my door. At some point he just opened the door. It was 1am. I pretended to sleep. I could hear him breathing, it sounded angry. He eventually closed the door. The next morning i confronted him. He argued it away as him trying to warn me that he was going to take a shower, so that i wouldn't use the bathroom. He started commenting on how i wasn't funny enough around him. in that friend group, i'm the funny one :c. but i cant keep up that energy 24/7 (this was supposed to be a home, not a free neverending standup act, for this one guy). that confused him. the next day he asked me if i had depression. My parents had given me a griller/toaster as a parting gift (there’s a backstory for that too but anyways) my flatmate ALSO had that same toaster. He demanded we make up our minds which one to keep. i didn't understand why this was important to him and i hated discussing this useless topic with him so i stored the toaster in my room. He repeatedly suggested i throw mine away (?). One evening i got hungry and decided i'd make myself a toast in my room. So i made some toast. Suddenly he bursts in. And he starts ranting. "why are you doing this are you CRAZY you cant TOAST in your own room thats DANGEROUS you're gonna start a fire, don't ever do that again, we have a KITCHEN for that. why don't you want to use the kitchen you cant just HIDE from me every day, this is OUR flat and i want us to live TOGETHER!" He didn't stop talking and it overwhelmed me, so (this is embarrassing, but) i actually started crying and i turned away from him so i could try to control myself. and he just started babytalking me "awww its alright i didn't mean to scare you, but you see, you shouldn't have done that". he tried putting his arms around me, i told him to stop. "you need a hug right now" ...... i was so angry i think my brain might have short circuited because the next hour was me just acting the whole way through. i told him everything he wanted to hear. i was so sorry for almost burning the house down and made up some explanation that my parents were still making me sad, so i needed distance. The next big thing involved one of my best friends. she wanted to spontaneously go out for an evening. so i put on some pants and of course: HE appears in my room, asking where i'm going. i was surprised by the question and just answered "going out with Lina" he left it at that. then suddenly: "can i come too?" He threw me off with that question. Lina had said she needed some advice on personal stuff, so I said "no" because i didn't have a better answer. he got ANGRY. i explained. "Lina wants some privacy, i'm sorry" He starts arguing that Lina is just as much his best friend, and that he should be allowed to hear what she wants to say to me. Before i can reply he slams his door shut. "Don't even try to explain yourself", he says. I told my friend while meeting up with her and she began with the sympathetic "you should have said yes" and we argued about it and then she came out with this absolutely horrifying sentence: "you know how he is. you cant be *too* honest with him. he's sensitive. you need to lie to him so he doesn't get mad" it was as if i'd been splashed with cold water. i said i didn't agree with that. that that was actually unfair to HIM. nobody likes being lied to and treated less than. she called him, told him i was gonna apologize and he showed up with the angriest expression i ever saw in his face. he accused me of being depressed and that he now has the burden of my mental issues to bear. This he assumed because one night i told him about me dissassociating sometimes a few years ago. Then he wanted me to promise i would never leave him, because he's afraid i won't be able to pay my part of the rent. the crowning moment was my friend Lina mostly agreeing with him and both of them berating me for not having my life together because i still hadn't managed to find an open-ended contract job, only limited-time jobs. at the end he justified himself by saying he cant stand my parents phoning me. (at that point they had started calling me everyday and showed genuine concern ... i was trying to reform a bond with them) - apparently he resented that. he knew about my parents disciplining me with face slaps as a kid (when i was 9-11 yrs old) (they feel bad about it, and they they stopped doing it fairly early) in that moment my flatmate chose to tell me ..... (hoo boy i need to get ready to type this) .... "i'm concerned about you. if your father would ever beat you, i would beat him to a bloody pulp" then he repeated "i would beat him/kill him" a few times, VERY agitatedly. it was scary and at that point i was numb. i didn't really respond, i just said "its fine" or something to that extent. the thing that made me decide to move out (although certainly among many that followed that night) was this: one morning i informed him i was going to visit my parents that weekend. we had started talking again (as i mentioned before and i wanted to meet them without fighting for once). he says "but you're coming back, right". i say "of course don't be so nervous". i go to work. i get a LOT OF texts from him suddenly. i skim through it. he's mad about me calling him "nervous". i don't reply/read bc i am at work. Then he actually CALLS me. i don't pick up. now i'm thinking: What is so important, that he has to call me during work. there's a 4 paragraph essay in my inbox. "watch your mouth", "you have no right to speak that way to me", "you should have more respect". he was mad i called him nervous. i responded that i don't have time to reply. he argued back. at one point i said "if i cant even call you nervous then i'm ACTUALLY gonna stay with my parents" he fiNALLY didn't reply to that. after a 10hour day i come home. i wanna shower. i go to my room, close the door and start undressing myself. of course, there's knocking on my door. i say "No" he flips out. i calmly tell him i'm only half dressed. he flips out even more, says i'm a horrible person who WANTS to fight because my "no" wasn't a good enough answer and i should have explained in full detail why he couldn't get in. he was actually SERIOUS. this was his reasoning for flipping out. he goes away. not even a minute passes by and he hammers his fist against my door again. "OPEN UP THIS TIME I *HAVE* TO COME IN" at this point i'm beginning to get kinda scared so i say "come in" He comes in and says he needs me to disconnect with the wifi because he needs it for his work. i calmly say "ok" and disconnect my wifi. he goes away, leaves the door open. i stand up to go and close my door. HE ACTUALLY GOES AND PULLS AGAINST ME TO TRY TO PRY IT OPEN AGAIN. eventually he lets go and then he flips out FOR REAL. he starts screaming about how i'm a psycho, and that im crazy and awful and he has been nothing but nice and that he "saved" me and i haven't been thankful enough.

.... ..

yes, i was in a difficult position. but that flatmate arrangement was made on even ground. he had wanted to move out from his parents for years. i fled and left. called my parents, but they were miles away and laughed it off. i would have probably too. i called my friends. Lina offered to come and mediate. He continued screaming even with Lina there. It culminated with him roaring at me, pointing at the door saying "if you don't like how i treat you, there's the door, leave right now" with lina replying "don't say that, you NEED her money to pay rent!" it was awful, and an eye-opener. the next day, on the way to work, i decided i was gonna move out. and before i could tell him, i get a message from him (!). An ultimatum. he tells me i have 3 options. 1) leave immediately and take my stuff away within a week. i wouldn't have "pay any more than i've already payed" (it was the first day of that month and i had already payed my rent. nice) 2) stay for half a year, but immediately pay him something so that he knows i'll stay 3) stay indefinitely, but set up a " bevahiour contract" with him, so this "never happens again" i told him i'd take option 1 and then i stayed over at a friends house. then at a friends shared appartement. then at dormitary and soon i'm gonna move in with my younger brother. we've been estranged a bit but grown closer through this whole thing. now Lina and him are still friends and lina blames me for "everyone in our friend group" being mad at him. one of her first concerns, was that her birthday parties are gonna be weird now. i am completely done with her as well and don't want her in my life anymore. according to her, I left him with a rent he cant pay and i should feel bad for that. except i dont. should i though?

#vent #rant

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chamelis · 4 years

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CAN I JUST SAY HOW MUCH I'M LOVING YOUR WRITING!!!! even though you call yourself a newbie, it's still really good if you want to judge it that way. i can't want for the other stuff you have planned. i want to pick at your thoughts on this, so describe your mutuals as feelings!

BABY I 😭😭😭 my heart. it's being supercharged rn. with LOVE. ahsjsjs thank you!! this means so much. im so glad that you enjoy my writing!! and thanku for ur anticipation :)

that's such a nice concept!! here are my thoughts (fair warning, its 1am rn so this may make little sense jfmdnd) :

@boogerines + contentment/happiness. the feeling of spending time with someone with whom you're still in the process of falling in love, but you know it'll happen. being in the arms of someone that understands you 🥰

@chilliwoo + joy/excitement. the feeling of discovering new music, or going to the airport about to go on a long-anticipated trip. the feeling of a budding friendship with someone unexpected, opening a surprise gift ✨

@hereisleo + confidence and assurance. the feeling of wearing your favourite outfit and doing your hair/makeup/jewellery all nice, aceing a test and feeling like a boss. being complimented by a stranger on ur style 😌

@chocosvt + warmth/affection. receiving a long msg of sweet words from a friend, being told about a quality of yours that people find endearing. the feeling of a kiss on the cheek/forehead, curled up on the couch with ur s.o 💖

@minghaoss + comfort and curiosity/interest. i guess? the feeling of a late night convo with someone you love. also, the buzzing energy of wanting to start an activity/some sort of creative endeavour at like 1am, that type of feeling 🌟

@thebookofus + amusement/happiness. the feeling of having been out with a bunch of friends, reaching home, feeling tired but loved. laughing until your cheeks hurt over 2am texts with your friends, a meme on the internet making you laugh way more than it should 🤠

@svtegg + rose quartz and serenity/calmness. a quiet afternoon of reading while the sun streams in through the curtains. finishing everything on your to-do list and having some time alone. the feeling of a warm shower, a nice meal and a loving hug after a long day 🥺

my moots, im sorry if I didnt mention you here!! i just jotted down a handful of feelings bc my brain went 💩 feelings 💩 what r thooooose. joshua & seokmin's teaser pics have numbed me shdksnkd

but let me tell u, if ur reading this, the feeling i associate with you is love and adoration!! 😚😚

#asks #answered #anonymous #tag games #moots #love letters #note to self

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riskeith · 4 years

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good morning love! (or afternoon for you hehe)

deku vs kacchan part 2 is my favorite ep of the entire series actually. i’ve watch that ep so many times as well it’s just perfect. i got into them when i watched that episode actually! the voice acting god..... literally shivers. now that i think about it it might even be my favorite anime ep of all time help. i just love how bakugou lets it all out and we get to see that side of him.. the insecure scared child he tries to hide. god i could ramble about it forever idk just love it. OH YOU WATCHED THE MOVE RIGHT AFTER? a scene with bakugou and todoroki is guaranteed a good time.. and they work so well together. haha that’s such a nice coincidence tho their dynamic is great in that movie even if it’s mostly kiribaku sjsksjk. what do you think about kiribaku btw?

RIGHT!!! at least we have a couple days to decide hihi.... paimon no longer emergency snack.. only seelie. 🥴 oooh? what kind of thing have you envisioned? (if you wanna share ofc!)

i’ve seen so many people mention that!! like one of the worst parts of the game is that in the higher level you get the less there are to do.. ssjksjdk at some point all you can do is grind domains and try to level up shdkdfhdj

LEVEL 40 INTO A LEVEL 70+ FIGHT ok that’s honestly hilariously brave doesn’t she like die right away 😔 oh yeah you’ll be leveling up Again soon *praying for you*... can’t believe they don’t keep the easy bosses anymore sjdkfh that’s so rude. this game is just grind grind grind. WE NEED A BENNY STORY SO BADLY. like imagine a story with him wanting to seek out diluc because he wants to learn how to fight from a master or something like that. i saw it in a comic and i can’t stop thinking about it 😭 all of them deserve stories!!! there’s so many ways they could make it happen pls mihoyo... chongyun x xingqiu story... <333

shfkjdskdjhf nope right now i’m playing with noelle as my main damage dealer, traveller, lisa and barbara actually. so i think i have a pretty good balance atm.. 2 long range 2 short range-ish. i usually trade out barbara for another character if i have to tho, hehe. that’s only combat though ^ benny is with me when we explore. mood is me having a 5 star and not even using her... i still need to think of ways qiqi could fit into the group yk. is your group still looking the same as before? ooooh if you could rank the elements what would your ranking look like?

172!!!!! that’s a bit short though when you said tall i thought like... 190 or something sjksjdxk. wait how tall are You?

oh i just meant like... people bashing others for spending too much money on the game vs those that bash people for not spending money and complaining that they don’t get 5 star etc? idk yt comments can be so ugly though so it’s a good thing that you don’t read them sjdjdjdkd

that’s super smart!!! you just follow along the plan and delete when you come to the part. must feel so satisfying too i imagine. haha, what little notes i have i put in the notes app and just check up on when i need to. sometimes i even forget they’re there shdkdhsks. my notes are filled with half-assed dialogue or random one words notes that don’t make any sense to me anymore.. nskdhddjdj

you’re right!! so you write at night? sometimes i just open docs on my phone and write a bit before i sleep and when i wake up it’s either a grammatical mess or just... super bad hskshd the brain is simply too tired to create anything shakespeareian

nooo i’ll def check these out and let you know what i think. i’ve seen halsey being in pretty much every klance playlist on spotify so i imagine she portrays their vibes pretty nicely. doesn’t she have a song she sings about being blue and red or something... shdjfhdj such a bad description but i see it being used in edits a lot. also now that i think of it melanie has a song called pacify her that i really like!! do you like it?

THATS SO CUTE YOU ARE A CRYBABY. 🥺 same here tbh i actually like crying sometimes... sjskdjdjd like you said it just feels nice to get it all out. i cry to almost movie or series or book i read i’m a super emotional person but i also think it adds to the experience? you feel more immersed in it that way.

RIGHT??? ITS SO BEAUTIFUL!!! and it’s our boys 😭 and they’re cuddling 😭 under the sun 😭 ssjdjdhdjdj 😭

can’t wait to hear from you again <3 yours, ma <3

good night! more like ahhah

:o!! that’s so legendary of them wow.. <33 and yeah honestly the voice acting is phenomenal.. and all the implications behind the fight too? bakugou finally opening up? midoriya understanding that what he needs is to fight him? ugh. kiribaku is fine! fhdsjfks my brain is so full of todobaku that any other ship is really just... in the background hfskjfs but i can appreciate the relationship they have! with kiri being the only one bakugou has really acknowledged and seeing as being on the same level, that iconic hand clasp when bakugou was being rescued... i have a kiribaku fic in my drafts but idk if i can ever get to it ahha. you like them a lot right?

ikkk also i didn’t know we had to wait until the very end to buy? i have more than enough to buy it rn but when i clicked it said ‘must explore area 14 first’ and i was just... bruh. AHAHAH. okay so in my mind it’s like.. chongyun at a funky angle we’re kinda looking up at him and his body is like bent down towards us fhsdkjs idk how to describe it but i can picture it very well but i also cannot put it to paper/screen. and then his clothes are just black instead of white! HAHAH. tho i kinda wanna see if i can draw a xiao first to offer up to the gacha gods hfsdjkfs (and if i can i’ll do a version w a dark outfit too for u hehe)

legitttt im literally just logging in and grinding the talent domains every day fhsdkjfhskfhjd there are some artifacts i want as well but the domain is literally SO difficult for me fuck.

i just go in and use her skill then heal a bit and switch right away fhsdkjfsd it going alright! and then i go ham with my other 3 charas and switch back to her to heal again fhskfjd. OMGGG that’s so cute please... i miss diluc too... come back!! i wish we had a way to replay the old quests even if we get nothing out of them like i just wanna experience it again ya know.

oooo! that’s pretty nice. hfskjd you could switch barbara out for qiqi! since she’s a healer as well. omg wait you have lumine right? so your combat team has no males? legendary 😩 we love fighting queens! ya! traveller, chongyun, xiangling, fischl. and then i switch depending on the domain/boss i’m gonna fight. hmm elements I think would go: anemo, cryo, electro, pyro, hydro, geo, dendro? LMAO i reckon if i had diluc tho pyro would be higher... i also almost forgot to add geo to that list lmaooooooo oops, hbu??

I JUST SAW THE LINK.... AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! the bestest boys look how cute they’re sjdkfjdjjdd i’m obsessed. the picture where benny has his back turned sjdudjdjddnd stop. 🥺 they’re so neat. 🥺 also NO ARE YOU SERIOUS? that’s so upsetting are you gonna try it out nonetheless or do you think it’s too risky?

they’re SO neat!!! and bennett facing the other way was so fhskjfd yeah cute <3333333 I KNOWWW IM SO SAD :((( and no...... im not gonna try 😭😭😭 i told my brother about it too and he asked how many rolls i was at and i said 70 and he was straight up ‘you can’t try then’ and i was like ‘i know 😔😔’. @ xiao... i am giving up xingqiu rate up for you 😤😤😤😤 ugh i hope i can still get xingqiu in xiao’s banner tho even tho the chances will be shit. are you gonna roll ganyu’s banner?

FHSKJFSD NOOOOOO don’t tell me 172 is average for you wtf... (apparently the average male height in japan is 160cm! for reference ahah) and i myself am. one hundred and. fifty something cm hfsdjfhskjdfhskdjfhw9uehdsifhwsdkjfhsdkfhsd 😔 big sighs lmaoooooooo. how tall are you? (im assuming much taller 😔😔😔😔😔)

ooh notes app? nice ahaha. fhdkjfhskfsk hdthat’s the mood tho! if i don’t have my laptop with me i’ll write out everything on notes first then transfer to my laptop~

AHAHAH yeahhh i think mostly i do? bc during school times i’ll only write after i’m done with my work which = night time. for a while Peak writing time for me was like 1am lmfao but i do that in a like half-asleep half-conscious state so when i come back the next day at a “normal” time i run into the same issue as you fshdfkjshfs

she does!!! it’s called colours 😩 but i think the one i related to voltron most is control! there was this really good shiro edit with that song i still remember it to this day <3 yeah i do!!! i like most of melanie’s songs actually ahahah. i think my favourite for a while was show and tell~

it totally does!! like it’s satisfying as well you know... like the characters have gone through so much and you experienced that with them so it’s natural to get emotional about it. that reminds me, what kind of books do/did you read? did you read all Those YA novels ahah talking about crying has reminded me how i cried reading those..

<333 i wanna be there with them 😩 actually no i want to BE them 😩😩😩

eager for your response <33 love, c.r.

#marriage anon #wowclunaanswers #long post

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chickenscratchxx · 4 years

Text

gen Z dating rant

By: chicken.scratch

Day 1,345,216 of sitting in my narcissistic despair comes to a close. As I gear up for month seven of sobriety I find it difficult to find daily activities that tickle my fancy. Hence my new found stimulation: the validation that comes from the temptation of procreation. In layman's terms; tinder, bumble, and other rectifying outlets that make a man feel wanted. Take this as Jordan's review of dating in the twenty first century if you will. Or take it as a guide to dating in the twenty first century if you may. I really don't give a fuck.

I took pride in never using an app to get laid for the majority of my sex life. I'm not being over zealous (okay, maybe I am). My nerves and "butterflies" were extinguished around the seventh grade. As a precursor I lost my virginity at 15, got head for the first time at 14, and had my first kiss at 5. I believe the kiss was my lady cousin. Whatever. I'm a sex addict, a dope fiend, a true "anything that produces an effect" fiend. I'm obsessive, possessive, and contradictory. I have expectations out the ass for everyone around me yet expect them to have no preexisting expectations involving my actions.

So goes my whole life. For as long as I can remember I've had a disconnection to love. Really human beings in general. For as long as I can remember I haven't felt "love" for my parents or anyone for that matter. So I was a sheep in the heard when it came to saying I love you to those I guess Im expected to love. Like I said im a sex addict. It is what it is. So what. Who gives a fuck. Ask my ex lovers and they'll tell you something completely different. I do what I want when I want. That means sex. So before we really dig into this 21st century idea of dating, please if you're a feminist who wears "power in the pussy" t-shirts and flaunts your titties with tassels on main street, yes, even you may be able to get something out of this. So lets dig in.

I'm old school. Even on these fucking apps ill get horny around 12/1am and start asking these validation seekers if they'd like to grab a drink and every time they have some excuse. "Oh its too late", "I don't know you like that", or my personal favorite "I'm already in bed…tomorrow?". Are you fucking kidding me. I've been. Banned on all major platforms several times for slick and sly comments. But this brings us to the hook of the article which is validation problems within generation z. Now lets make this clear I'm not supporting underage drinking but yes I have offered to buy ladies underage a drink. (Key word: offered) I get it. Having a dating app on your phone is as common as having uber, if you put two and two together with that one lets make a baby. But if you have a dating app put in your god forsaken bio (which no one reads) that you're only on it for the validation. So what do I mean by Validation.. Validation (in this case)- the act of ones presence or aesthetic presence being confirmed. In other words- you think I'm sexy and you confirm this affirmation by swiping right on my profile or seeing that I have a new match from so and so, even though I may find nothing in their bio or pictures attractive, the thought of " I could sleep with them if I wanted to" arises. Temptation+Procreation=Validation. The issue with the topic of validation is woman (men as well (I'm not gay but I know men purge this sin as well)) put a profile up on these apps in order to receive attention that their significant other is no longer providing. I'm guilty of this. In fact, I did this while in a three long relationship. She was no longer pleasing the part of my brain that says "oh yes, Jordan, she thinks you're sexy and that is enough". So I put up a bumble and tinder profile and got off on the fact that I had all these matches and girls messaging me with their shitty pick up lines (My personal favorite: Are you a spy? Because I could see you under covers) and need for validation themselves. And it was a balancing act at first. It really was. But the validation was enough. I did however feel like a piece of shit for having to delete the apps right before we would hangout. It is what it is. I dont give a fuck. I got over that guilt faster than I did a shot of dope or a bad sexual encounter. All I'm saying is if you're on a dating app and you swipe right and you don't say anything, then fuck you. Stop wasting everyone's time with some beautiful picture and some bullshit and don't reply cause you're on the bullshit. Us single people don't have time to waste on high expectations just to be let down with a no response or a typical "I'm tired I'm going to stay in tonight". Please. If you're one of those people fuck you and your boyfriend who isn't putting out for you.

Another pattern I've noticed is this trial period involving digital communication. As many times as I've messaged a lady and asked her to grab dinner with me and gotten the response, " I don't know you like that. But we can chat for a while and than Ill let you know". The fucked up thing about this is every person who says this has some sort of very provocative picture.

-yours truly

#blogspot #blog #read #blogger #funny #blm #blackout #word #wordy #fuckyou #unapologetic #igotitlikethat #heroin #heroin addict #dating #tinder #bumble #fuckboy #loser #player #academic

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survivormetaverse · 3 years

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Episode 12 - "i'm baaaaaacckkkkk 😈" ~Jodi

An iconic moment happened today and I accidentally voted my closest ally out of the game. So Brayden got sent home and he is going to hate me when he finds out what happened. I did kind of get him out on accident I did not mean for Brayden to go I wanted Jay gone but I was blindsided by Colin and Josh and Elle AND AMY!!??]£[_[3 Omg. Im really upset that hes gone i miss him so much and I dont know how Im gonna go on without his brain. I dont trust Jay but Jared and Jay were both messaging me about how they already forgive me and stuff so thats a little crazy. I think it could be fake or they are just desperate for numbers. But I am with Josh and Amy and Colin and Elle now. I want to be with their numbers. I talked to all of them individually and they said they all were sorry for lying to me and causing me to get my friend out. I know its just a game but I just feel awful and so guilty right now. This has probably been the worst day of my life. He probably will never play another org with me again and hes the only reason i play orgs its boring without him. We are best friends increal life and I hope he can forgive me. I havent said anything to him because thats breaking the rules. But when he finds out im literally so scared of what he'll say to me. I pray he will forgive me I am literally so dumb af.

i'm baaaaaacckkkkk..................... 😈

This is literally worst case right now with jodi winning the play back like throughout the day she has won back her allies including anastasia since she swapped coins with her. Elle, colin, and josh all gave me all their coins to grab immunity before the other side to protect me but also it makes me a bigger target lol plus I gave elle some swapped to get the second thing the leftover because I THOUGHT it could give us an extra vote since that was ony menu but I was tired and drunk and it was a LOT of words and it was just the hunts which I knew didn't have any and I feel terrible bc 150 tokens and my actual alliance is going to be so mad when they realize THAT I HAVE THE LAST ONES and fucked up in suggesting it at all. First they were going for info. So now I think Jodi got all the other sides tokens and they are pooling for something idek. It's literally worst case like we were set to be up 5-2 or at least 4-3 and now it looks like it's 4-4 again hahaha neat. And it looks like colin is chatting with jodi again and they are making deals lol like tbh if she gets to the end I am voting for her to win I've said it many rounds. Turns out anastasia and brayden not only know each other irl they are besties so she mad mad. And Josh looks to be making deals and thinking about flipping so I am on borrowed time but tbh I never expected to make merge. I am glad I have immunity bc I physically couldn't do the challenge anywU here lol and I fucked that up too hahahaha. Good times all around. Like I want to tell them about my steal a vote to have official numbers but now they'd just be mad hahaha literally colin and I had every advantage except jared's idol now. Ahhhh idk what to do but it remains hilarious. I'm expecting Raffy to give my info in these in the market and that is no bueno ahahahaha. I am tempted to just give colin everything bc it's funny. Also jodi talked to me until 1am just trying to guilt me into being back with her I said I have to sleep goodnight like 5 times minimum. Her social game is so good that's why I think she has them all back with her and possibly josh. The problem is that I was keeping her close bc she had the info from others and from my game. I really never had a number one lol bc I was just vibing and I guess now colin is bc I flipped with him lol and I think it's hilarious he grew his army from 0 to 5 almost.

I have a suspicion colin and anastasia have actually been closely aligned this whole time and she knew everything all along. Colin sure loves giving out info haha. And apparently deals are happening all over, none of which I have made 😂

Jodi's backkkkk, wild wild wilddddd. The challenge went poorly, darn thats like 20 minutes wasted. We bought the refresh and there was nothing there 💔 that's 150 tokens wasted 😅. But! We got Amy immunity✨ and then Colin won the challenge so tbh everything's still going great lol. Wonder how we're gonna vote this round :/ we'll see how this goes! I've stopped worrying whether I'm going completely, it either happens or it doesn't 💖 xoxo, gossip girl (this is misleading I HAVE NOT SEEN THE SHOW i just know way too much about it because i have friends that did lol)

So after I voted my showmance Brayden out of the game I was left with an interesting situation. I had cried to Josh Colin and Amy that I was alone now and that my whole alliance hated me. With Jodi back in, I dont think they believe me. I literally flipped sides so I could be in their alliance because I didnt trust Jay and Jared and Jodi. But they literally lied to me about the vote and said it was nothing personal to me but they didnt tell me the plan because they wanted to see if I was lying. Which sucks for me because I then voted Brayden out :( Now that they know that im truthful they said they would work with me now. But all of them have been pretty inactive today. I talked to Amy the most and a little Colin and a little Josh. But I wasnt in their alliance. So I asked Amy if I could be added into an alliance chat since I was apperently in their alliance now. And she said sure. And they added me to a vote block. That is not an alliance group chat btw. So I was like wow thanks. But inside I was like screw this. So before this all happened, Jodi, Jay and Jared put me in a true alliance group chat. This morning I was ready to work with Colin and Josh but not anymore. Not after they put me in a vote block chat clearly saying to me that I am just a number to be used. They don't even need my vote either because Amy has an idol and Amy and Colin are safe. So I'm obviously voting with Jay, Jared, and Jodi. And I know they probably have a final three without me. They could call it something really cool like the three J's. But I called Jay and explained everything to him. (Also Jay forgave me for literally trying to get him out. He umderstands that its a game and all of my motives about not trusting him anymore.) He said he would be a hypocrite if he didnt forgive me because he told people my name in the chaos vote. So I actually think we are cool. And I told Jay that I am his number one. Which is true. He told me a lot of things about how Amy is actually really smart and stuff (I thought that girl was just a goat that I could take to the end with me) But her and colin are tight and both immune. This is bad. Basically we will go to rocks unless Elle flips to our side. Jay is giving his pitch to Elle tommarow. And maybe I will apologize to her correctly tomarow too. ALSO SPELLING THE WORD TOMARROW IS THE HARDEST THING IN MY LIFE. Also I took 62 minutes to complete a puzzle today so thats kind of emberassing. Anyways bye everyone this was so much fun to type omg.

Lol I woke up to a text from jodi asking if anyone was taking about votes yet and I said no because I went to sleep early bc I almost passed out from heat yesterday and had just woke up and she responded "ummmm lol...." 🤣🤣🤣 Sorry I sleep. She's in Colin's dms saying how I was legit her number one and now we can't even talk about votes. Like yeah girl we worked our asses off to get you out of the game sorry I'm not happy you are back. Also I'm still at disney world so I don't have the time for a million conversations. I know I'm going to be the Russell Hanz of the f3 /if/ I make it. So what's jury management lol like she was already pissed I voted her out and I plan to do it again. Anyway it looks like it's hilariously about to be a unanimous jay vote tonight but I am thinking we throw one vote somewhere else in case of an idol. But if jodi did get anastasia back we can't do that. Anyway lol I'm immune so whatever. Elle and Colin discussed like if it's on elle (which apparently jared proposed an alliance of 5 which included myself lol!) Then we could go to rocks and have only josh as a possibility and statistically he won't go if he is willing to go to rocks that it. All this to say I'm f7 and I want to keep my extra vote to f6 if possible so I can use the idol for fun at f5.

https://youtu.be/snpKevncc44

My quest has come to an end. I joined this game to be someone who could be there for Jodi. Jodi and I played survivor subrosa together and we both had rough experiences due to a player in the game who harassed jodi and tried to convince everyone I was misogynistic. As much as I love Survivor, I didn’t play this game to win. I played this game because Jodi told me she was playing it and I wanted to be her body guard. I wanted to be someone who could be there for her both as a number but also as an enforcer, anybody who ever dared to do anything to Jodi would’ve had to have dealt with me. Tonight, Amy and Colin have immunity, and either amy or josh or elle have an idol, so there’s no point in making any noise tonight and wasting Jared’s idol. None of those 4 trust me, and I doubt any of them like me. It is what it is, it’s best for Jodi, Jared, and Anastasia’s game to move forward without me, and it’s smart for Jared to keep his idol. Tonight, I will be voted out, and I am 100% at peace with it.

Since Elle, Josh, Amy and Colin pooled their tokens for immunity and advantage refresh, it means all the advantages and disadvantages are on our side. Plan is to send Elle a disadvantage and let Colin know because honestly it’s not hard to find out anyways. Jay doesn’t mind getting booted at some point cuz he wants to stand for me on the jury, but I don’t want to boot him right now. Obviously they won’t boot Elle, so I’m going to see if Jared will propose Anastasia. The thing right now is me/Jay/Anastasia/Jared also know next round is invisible. So I want Jay or Anastasia to send Colin and Amy disadvantages because if they’re paranoid seeing me Jared/Jay/Anastasia have advantages and they have disadvantages, they might be paranoid enough to play all their idols. I also wanted to keep Jay for this round as it’d be unanimous and something everyone can settle on. Jared wanted to do me/Jared/Josh/Amy/Colin as an alliance but has concerns about the 3 of them being in top 5 in the majority snd also Colin having his ideal f3. I told him my plan has the best shot at flushing all idols and hopefully we can either get Josh to flip or at least have Amy/Colin vulnerable at 5/6. Last thing is Jared is worried he’d be blindsided this round. I told him my plan and I said even if he wanted to flush his idol this round, next round should be ok if we all vote out Jay and the rest of them flush idols. Good to be back in the game! I genuinely believe Colin wants me as a shield at least for this round, and if I can make it through, I have a game to play.

Not everyone saying they only bought an advantage lol what about those other 70 tokens 👀👀👀 Like it must be jay unless someone is lying haha i am hoping people are just busy bc these answers I'm getting from Josh and Colin are concerning 😂 It looks like only elle and got disadvantages ☠️ I am really hoping not to be a target next round even though I know I will be haha. Next round is only 7 and I'd love to take out jodi and jared before they turn on me ☠️ especially since colin creeped on jodi's insta and it is possible they know each other from sports irl. And she was so concerned about all these pregame connections 😂 and here it was likely to deflect. Anyway I just swapped my position of having jodi do all the social work with having colin do all the social work knowing full well I'm not gonna get those end votes. I'm just trying to pull up my placement average now 😂. I hope everyone sees me as having no social game to take me to the end lol bc realistically I don't bc I don't care to put in that time this game. As I write from the pirates of the caribbean line 😂 So anyway if I'm not being lied to which I might be it looks like unanimous jay tonight but also I think the other group was talking split on jay like a 3-3-2 and I'm like wait the 2 wouldn't help. Elle are you okay with that? So I think they must have figured out I have stuff ☠️ I wonder what people REALLY bought haha okay bye

Jodi is back, not just Jodi Jodi, but player Jodi. Player Jodi thinks a LOT. When I was out, the entire time I was hoping somebody caught on that Amy flipped because they knew to put a stray vote on Colin to protect him from chaos idol, but they left Josh exposed. Why? Because Colin knew Amy was going to throw a vote on Josh. Also, Colin tied with me for closest ally and that set off an alarm too. Onto the next. So Colin won immunity, Amy bought immunity, but this could possibly be good because it means they are playing knowing they are not at risk themselves. Anastasia is voting with them this round, but she's actually working with us. She told us that the actual plan on that side is: "Jay, Jared, Jodi vote elle and Elle, Amy, Colin vote Jay and Josh and Anastasia vote Jodi" Anastasia will vote me here to continue "working" with them for the next vote. Essentially, they thought that Jay had the merge idol this whole time and Colin was weary about it, and that's why he got nervous about sending out Jay last round. That told me Colin did not have the merge idol. Josh came to me too about Jay having the merge idol. But the way they're splitting the votes this round shows me now that somebody has stepped forward to mention they have it (likely Elle) because if Jay idoled, Elle goes in this split vote plan. Therefore, somebody must've been like "ok let's just be safe and split the votes, I have the other idol". That's good and bad because now Colin has no merge idol paranoia, and they're also able to use it together. It also did confirm to me they've talked about it. Here's where things get tricky. Player Jodi is so tempted to run with it and do a 4-3-1 Josh-Jay-Jodi but it's so risky and could possibly destroy the long term social game, especially if they idol for Josh and Jay goes anyway (we are not idoling for him here). So instead, I'm going to use Jay's vote out to the best of my advantage. Hopefully flush an idol if possible, maybe a steal-a-vote, something. Knowing about next round being invisible is good info for us. Having this info is so key and usually I would think that immunity for a round is bigger than this but being able to plan ahead for a GAME-CHANGING twist is crucial here. My move here is to play the game through psychological distress. I have no advantages! Since they're out of tokens from buying immunity, me/Anastasia/Jared/Jay bought advantages for ourselves and also sent out disadvantages to Colin/Amy/Elle. Seeing that not only we have advantages but also them having disadvantages, they probably still feel like things will be ok because they'll just split votes or whatever and one of them needs to win immunity. But given this is an invisible round, I think Amy is honestly paranoid enough to just play her idol, hopefully Elle does too, and then between me and Jared, we'll idol for one of us. I also plan on bluffing an advantage coming back from Jury, and say something along the lines of having to survive one round before the advantage got activated. I'm going for the win, everyone, I know that if I get to the end with anybody, I have a solid shot at winning. I just need to get there and to do that, I must play an adaptable game – more than ever. PS I am holding onto Jared's idol right now. Power (temporary) feels amazing. Dw I'm giving it back....😈

this has been the most chill round in a while. which is really weird consider JODI IS BACK AND WE BLINDSIDED BRAYDEN LAST ROUND this round is turning out to be what I WANTED last round to be. everyone is talking with everyone, people are trying to disband the sides and all intermingle. it's really interesting how no one else was on board with this until after they lost majority. seems like people don't like playing from the bottom. weird huh now these bitches know how I felt >:( anyway. jodi is back. it's weird. she knows that amy flipped now and everyone is playing very carefully my ideal boot this round was either jay or josh, in that order. so when my gay ass WON IMMUNITY I immediately put out jay's name. we already have the numbers, but I also like said my piece to jodi and jared, this is yalls chance to prove to me that you're really with me and sides don't exist. the ball is in their court do i trust them? no. am I worried? no. i have immunity, the scariest thing rn is that I think Jay is voting Elle, and if Jared and Jodi are with him then that's scary, bc Jared has an idol. The ONLY people I would play my idol for is Amy and Elle, and Elle being in trouble means I might have to play my idol on her if Jay idols himself. We have enough to split, so I'm not worried, I just hope all goes according to plan. sorry my confessional is lame. its the weekend now so i have time uwu. I'll write more the next few days

So this whole token twist thing has really annoyed me. Because of me wanting to show my loyalty to my alliance, i gave away all my coins to Amy so that she could but immunity. And against my wishes, Elle wasted her coins on the “advantage” which turned out to be a dud. I wanted to get coins together to buy game info or better yet, trade coins with other people. But i was left with nothing, while all the people on the other side used their coins to buy advantages in the next immunity challenge making it even harder for me to secure my safety. Maybe this new 2 Gays and a Jared alliance might actually pan out but im tired of getting the short end of the stick with everything.

~~~

Edgic:

Power Rankings:

Anastasia: She is in the middle of the two sides. They both need her for the rest of this game before a side is terminated. She is the most powerful because she is in the middle.

Jodi: Has regained a lot of her footing in this game. Is being used as a shield by the people who voted her out. The decision to vote out Jay is questionable, but she still has a lot of power thanks to the knowledge Anastasia and Jared feed her.

Colin: The head of the opposing side. Seems to not know what is really going on with Anastasia. But his allies are willing to take him to the end which is good. Needs to avoid falling into a Jodi pitfall.

Amy: Her rat behavior has been exposed, but her allies are still willing to defend her. Second in command on the Colin side. She is being handed these immunities.

Jared: Jodi’s new #1. Will probably make it to the end of this game. However, he isn’t calling the shots and is in danger of being targeted as an “easy” vote or being called a goat at the end. Needs to start taking fate in his own hands.

Elle: Lost a lot of footing because of not telling Anastasia the truth. This move caused Anastasia to go back to Jodi’s side which will hurt in the coming round. Is the next target for the Jodi side.

Jay: Died on the sword for Jodi. I am confused why they didn’t just stack 4 votes somewhere else, but it is whatever. Has basically given up.

Josh: Left out of a lot of discussions. Is on the outside of his alliances and from the opposing side. Is the most in danger of getting targeted or being a casualty of an idol.

#episode #episodes

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thedappleddragon · 3 years

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haha here we go again

there's a lot of dumb ranting and 3 days worth of logs and a dream in here so im gonna spare evryone’s dashboard and just put it all under the cut.

tw bad memories, talk of unhealthy relations with food, and dreams about dead animals

I realized I kind of entirely forgot to write about what I did yesterday? I kind of did a lot. I know my mom wanted to work on getting tile laid out in front of her bathroom, so we worked together to scrub the concrete and wipe up all the dirt and dust and whatever was under the carpet and remove some of the nails in the floor and bring up a spiky metal strip between the bathroom door and where the carpet was. The other main thing I remember is deciding to continue work on my dress, sewing up the outer bodice, checking that the bodice and lining would fit together, deciding I’d rather have no different colored front panel, and working on the circle skirt. At first I tried cutting the fabric on my bed, but it wasn’t big enough and too lumpy. I contemplated asking my friends if I could borrow their dining table, but I ended up clearing off my own. After I traced and was in the middle of pinning, I accidentally knocked over a glass bowl that I had set on the chair. My mom heard it from the other room and had me come to her room to tell her what it was. She got angry at me, which I thought was fuckin stupid if it was an accident, but after some reflection while cleaning up the glass pieces, I kind of understood why. Mostly I got a little upset about 2 ceramic pieces I made during school breaking a little from the drop. One was a mushroom house from middle school that always makes me remember feeling like an asshole during peer review when I told my person to smooth their project more because I didn’t know “no improvement needed” was an option until I got back to my desk and saw my person saying it was good in all categories because everyone thought my project was great for some reason. The other was a bunch of flowers on a circle. It was the last project we did before quarantine hit, I think. That one is in less tough shape, just a couple flowers knocked off and a chip on one of them. They can both be glued back together, I guess. Then my mom called me back into her room to listen to her talk about wanting to eat huge amounts of food, because she’s clinically depressed with BPD and PTSD and DID and several other acronyms and her favorite coping mechanism is food, but her doctor put her on a diet so she can get her knees replaced, but recently she’s been getting into a zone where she talks about wanting to eat entire cakes and pizzas and buckets of kfc and a gallon of queso or whatever the fuck and she goes “doesn’t that sound GOOD?” And I have to laugh along and say “haha no that sounds bad actually” and get her a piece of ham or something. And every time she goes on her spiel the only thing I can think of is the greedy from the raggedy Ann and Andy musical. It’s just this horrible undulating orange blob that eats everything in sight and seeing it for the first time just made me think of mom and it made me very uncomfortable, with all the orange goo and hurling noises. Also reminds me of this horrible video game boss fight where it’s the apocalypse and a fat lady on a scooter took over the buffet and eats so much during her boss fight, during the defeat cutscene she projectile vomits everywhere and dies. My brother Greg showed me that thinking it was funny. I hated it, and I still do. He showed me a lot of things he thought were funny as a shitty little kid, and I remember several of them being very upsetting. It’s ok. I don’t want to dwell on it. But after cleaning the glass and talking to mom I brought my fabric to my room and called it a night. Oh wait my dad also helped me with some paperwork my coworker handed me so I could get on the payroll.

Today I woke up differently than I have in a long time. I set an alarm for 10 am so I could be at work by 11, but I woke up at 9 from a heavy sleep with dreams about hanging out with my friend in my room, worrying about my dirty house. I wanted to sleep longer, so I got up at 10 to have breakfast and get ready. I spent my shift changing the price tags all around the store, making everything more expensive. I’m gonna work again on Tuesday where I’ll learn how to use the register. I hope I don’t fuk it up, but I have a couple days to relax until then. Maybe I’ll work on my dress. My friends all want to go to prom together, so my new deadline will be March 2nd or a little before. I still need to buy a ticket, but I don’t have access to the link to buy one :( bleh I’m too tired right now to worry about this shit. I only worked 4 hours again today, but after I got home I felt like I could have worked longer if they gave me something else to do. The only price tags left to change were a bunch of grills and stuff I don’t know about but I don’t know if they had any other work for my to do. But I’m glad I went home tho because I was hungry and my feet hurt from standing lol. I did laundry and made myself dinner and washed my hair and drew a little bit and made the table and tbh the pacing of today has been so weird I don’t remember everything. It’s only 1am but I think I’m just gonna go to bed. my friends started talking about going to prom, and I really want to join them, but I can't figure out where/how to buy a ticket. my brain started being really mean to me, syaing that I was being annoying and pushy and that they didnt want me at prom for some reason, so I low-key almost made myself cry until my friend offered to let me be their platonic date since their partner couldn't go.

last night I had a dream about a hard video game where when you played it, the black shadow enemies would fight you in real life, and one of them left imprints on my arm in the shape of lego bricks. they could only attack you so long as you played the game, and they tried to capture people and you were supposed to save them. I decided it was my time to play, and I walked into my garage that had turned into a cave with bat-people fused into the wall. I paid them no mind as I rescued a girl who was my irl brother, grabbing her hand and pulling her into another versoin of my garage which was uncorrupted and normal looking. she thanked me, and I said it was no problem. then I tricked her, telling her not to trust so easily, as I became one of the shadow enemies and engulfed her in a black sack, trapping her and leaving the room. I came back a couple minutes later, letting him free (now my brain told me he was my brother) telling him I just wanted to know if I was capable of tricking him, and didnt actually want to kill him or whatever. another big chunk of my dream was taken up by me, my sister, and my dad visiting a run down petting zoo/gamestop. the petting zoo barn was very dark with low ceilings with lots of rabbits and pigs and hay. one of us accidentally killed either a pig or a tiger right next to the exit door, and I had to slink around the gamester trying to distract the owner and keep him from going in the barn and escaping at the same time. I dont remember how it ended, other than me waking up with a sore throat from breathing so deeply through my nose. I had slept on my stomach wit my pillow in my face so I could hardly breathe, and even after I woke up I felt like I wasnt getting enough air. I HATE that feeling, I always felt like I was suffocating in middle school for some reason. I thinkk somethings wrong with my airway but im not gonna do anything about it. im gonna continue to spend 80% of my day laying down so my resting heart rate and breathing speed is slower than an goddamn sloth. whatever.

right now as im laying in bed typing this I feel utterly unpoductive but I KNOW I did SOME shit today. but yeah mostly I relaxed. I worked on my dress, removing and replacing the blue front panel. I lost my exacto knife somewhere so I went to dollar tree to get a knockoff, along with snacks for mom and my sister. the blades aren't as sharp as exacto, but I still know where the name brands blades are so maybe Ill try and see if they're compatible. when I open the package everything was oily and gross, so I washed everything off with soap and water before I used them to cut the threads of the panel seams. I could have used my seam ripper but I wanted to get a replacement craft knife anyway. its kinda neat that it came with 6 different shaped blades for different crafts :) but uhh I also cut out the other half of the circle skirt of the dress, and I have a bunch of extra fabric left over. probably enough to make a whole other bodess if I wanted too. I used my sewing machine to attach the new front panel, and I was hoping to get more sewing done tonight, but when I asked my sister if it was ok for me to use my sewing machine (it right next to the wall between our rooms so she can hear it from there) she said she was going to bed soon so I just attatched the front panel and called it a night. so that kinda sucked. I still have another day tomorrow before I have to work again, and I can still work on my dress on Tuesday after work. idk why my brain thinks that one 4 hour shift is gonna take up my entire day lmao. I just have to get the whole thing done by may 2nd. GOD that reminds me, im gonna be so busy next month. I have six events back to back happening like every other day, plus work. oof. I'll have to let my boss know, but idk If that's gonna make him mad. I've already got pretty comfortable with the lady in charge of the garden center who’s taken lead position while the manager is on vacation, but I dont think I;ll every understand my boss. he’s a sarcastic busy old man and NOT AT ALL approachable. whatever. really the only other tings I did today were drink a shit ton of water play harvest moon, spend too much time on tiktok, and sraw a couple dum things for my friends’ princess au. I fucking HATE the drawing I did for Anna, so I designed her a secondary outfit more inspired by sky pirate bohemian vibes, since she rules over the floating islands. idk if I'll replace her old outfit with the new one in the lineup or just re-draw her old one with better shapes and composition and match the style better or what. I just need it changed eventually becasuse it looks like ass. tbh now that ve taken a little bit of time away from the princess au, there are a couple designs im not 100% satisfied with. but I know that if I go back and make them more detailed or whatever the’ll be more of a hassle to draw and aslkdfhalksdf I dont know anymore. I'm still tied up about color pallets and trying to give everyone a distinct color, and im a little upset it doesn't quite work, and FUCK dude the edgy one’s lore and character are weird and I kind of want to revise it to make it a little nicer but its not my character and I need to stop shoving my dirty little mitts into everyone’s ocs and AHAGHRGHGARGHHG idk man. her power is necromancy and she has a skeleton army, which I think I kinda cool, but I also think it would be neat if her powers extended beyond just that to communing with the dead, helping them find rest, and THEN maybe it can branch into helping fallen soldiers fight again to help them with unfinished buisness. and then if she goes feral and starts abusing her powers, she ignores all the communication and concent with the dead and instead magically rips them from thr ground to do her bidding and they’re uncontrollable and violent and aimless, just like her mind slipping from the magical blight infecting her. idk man we’re till working on a lot of lore. her concept could be SO COOL with just that little bit of extra thought, but so far it’s just MY POWER IS DEATH IM SO EDGY. ugh I know its fuckin rude to bash your friends oc ideas and I might be too overbearing and controlling of this au but dammit im tired and im mean sometimes and my ego is through the goddamn roof and im so sexy and im always right and my meat is huge. ah shit I rpomised my friend I would help her with character design for the dead king but I was busy when she firat asked me and now im not busy but im not doing it ugh. im just frustrated right now because I spent wayyyy to fuckin long just laying in bed watching tikotks and youtube and playing harvest moon an doing jack shit all day. but hey at least I attempted to get a new social security card again today. and them promptly gave up when they said my adress was invalid. again. I feel like im in an uncomfortable medium between having no plans and worrying about the future and having too many plans all the time oh my god. ive been so focused on getting a job and then having a job and making this dress I completely forgot about college shit. thankfully there's no hard deadlines coming up that I haven't already finished. whatever I dont really want to worry about all this hit right now, im just gonna take it one day at a time. (haha it feels like my angel oc just stepped in. how nice of him :) )

#thanks for coming to my ted talk #April 2021 daily #2021 daily

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schwinns2ndlaw · 7 years

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listening through a new brain (2015)

prologue: frogs have so much spring:

homeless lady/grace singing in the prologue reminds me about how she, being homeless and really having nothing, ties together this theme of mortality, and life’s strangeness, and being grateful for what you have despite the circumstances.

gordon hasn’t “finish[ed] one song,” so i wonder how long he’s been employed with mr bungee

rhoda and gordon’s bickering/conversation feels really familiar between them. i wonder how long they’ve been friends; i hope since college,,, i have a lot of love for rhoda being the pillar of Work Ethic and advice and support and being a little bit bossy

prologue: 911 emergency/i have so many songs:

from the second song bill finn sets up a picture of normal gay culture (ex: the reality of having to worry about hiv, “mr bungee’s homophobic”) and i have so much love for how candid and unapologetic he is about telling lgbt stories. he is gay and jewish and goddamn his work is gay and jewish and that’s beautiful

heart and music:

i love what they did with the transition from i have so many songs to heart and music with the pulse ox.

also i gotta love the classic bill finn rhyme of horses & divorces. fucking iconic

one thing here that distinguishes anb from his other works, is, i think, how the songs are structured as an album. though falsettos and a new brain are both sung through, a new brain’s core songs are much more apparent, the first of which being heart and music. also bc they’re the only ones on the obc album but still. it’s interesting to see how he handles transition songs in a new brain. imo, the transitions in anb are weaker than his other shows: falsettos is more continuous, and 25th annual putnam county spelling bee has a different format (there’s dialogue), plus has transitions for comedic purposes (the goodbye songs)

mother’s gonna make things fine:

mother’s gonna make things fine has a manic comedic quality to it and ana gasteyer pulls it off really well. i esp like her blocking for that part

trouble in his brain:

“the invincibility of gordon michael schwinn” is a really interesting line to me. mimi and rhoda both say it — it’s a well known thing among those who know gordon. i wonder if this ties into gordon’s well-known desire to have a [musical] legacy or if it’s applied to other parts of his life?

be polite to everyone:

be polite to everyone is kind of a jam for a hallucination. i like jonathan groff’s acting choices in it (in the boot) that further clarify that he’s hallucinating because im dumb and found anb at like 1am a while back and didn’t get things at first. i just… accepted that mr bungee was there tbh

i’d rather be sailing:

the instrumentals in i’d rather be sailing are so soothing. it’s 11pm and aaron lazar is singing me a lullaby and all is right in the world. god, what charming, gorgeous voice, and what stellar execution. i have such a soft spot for aaron lazar after his performance in a new brain; it’s a charming role and he pulls it off with such decorum and sincerity. also i just fucking love roger. okay i was going to analyze this bit but it’s just a really sweet love song and i sometimes think about how this is the closest thing that william finn has written to a love song for his partner, and like,,, Y’all I Love This Song

(also. the piano [though it’s not marked as a specific dynamic in the sheet music] high note he sings at the end is stellar.)

family history:

family history is honestly really funny. that’s all

gordo’s law of genetics:

i love the slight changes to this arrangement in the revival recording but i will not rest until “why is the smart son always the gay son?” “schwinn’s second law” is put back in the recording. i wonder why they cut that?

also the blocking in this part is super cute i love the rolling chair and jonathan’s conducting and “air drums”

and they’re off:

i binge listened to and they’re off and then set it as my alarm and now I’m a little tired of it and that makes me sad :’(

STILL it’s a BOP and i love the rhyming in it and everyone sounds so good. this song is overlooked in its exposition of mimi; it gives insight to the circumstances that shaped her as a person. and they’re off gives an explanation behind her anger at gordon’s fatalistic behavior

last note for and they’re off: groff’s vocals are great here - i can feel the love he has for this song and this score

roger arrives:

i love roger arrives for all of the character dynamics it brings

roger is: -loved by all (“hallelujah” - mimi, which, like, same) -looking fit -damned appropriate -a strong emotional pillar -a dreamboat, and that’s the tea!

roger and gordon’s first irl interaction is so comical and quirky and real. i’m a little peeved they omitted rogers “no” (and a few other phrases from the performance) in response to gordon asking if he left after he found out. the first time i listened through i thought roger might’ve actual left afterwards and was ready to throw hands

roger rolls with gordon’s insanity with such stride and :’)

the whole “he looks good”/“he looks pale”/“he looks better” showcases everyone’s different outlooks on the situation and god knows i live for characterization through song

ROGER’S LITTLE STINT/IMPLICATION IN “GO GET DINNER. ROGER HAS ARRIVED” IS FUNNY HONESTLY. there was a youtube performance i watched where the roger - idr which video - emphasized this joke more. it was hilarious and i wish aaron lazar had leaned into that a bit

just go:

i love how unique roger and gordon’s dynamic is. it feels quirky and unique and real and honestly. also the two get some gorgeous melodic lines and harmonies

“sometimes when you talk, i feel so damn woozy” roger wins at romance

tl;dr gordon: you will get these hands if you stay roger: love you too

mri tomorrow:

LET ME JUST TALK ABOUT “time to go to sleep. you’ll be brave as zorro” I HAVE NO IDEA WHETHER BILL FINN USED ZORRO AS A DESPERATE RHYME (PROBABLY) BUT I LOVE THE IDEA THAT ROGER IS AN OLD SCHOOL COMICS NERD

also in the boot, gordon just gives roger a /look/ after saying this and i love it. he probably uses outdated phrases of speech too

poor, unsuccessful, and fat:

JOSH LAMON IS A COMEDIC FORCE

“my sister is a receptionist” bill finn. where is gordon’s sister? what is she doing (besides being a receiptionist)? her brother’s in the hospital c’mon

“thank you for coming/ thank you for going” another example of this sort of underhanded humor. i like the sort of theme around Visitors in the hospital room and the people you surround yourself with in crisis

sitting becalmed in the lee of cuttyhunk:

sitting becalmed in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in the lee in

i desperately need someone to make an edit where “in the lee” never ends it’d be so unsatisfying and i’d love it

“oh yeah fuck it i hate the sun” jonathan groff does a really good job of portraying sarcastic characters,, this role suits him so well

HOW MUCH COMPLAINING DO YOU THINK ROGER HEARS ON THE DAILY THOUGH

“we got the picture” “i get the picture!/that wasn’t bad at all” i actually like this though??? like the first inklings of gordon’s epiphany at the end & him valuing life for what it is

this cast all has such great voices

crainiotomy:

I LOVE THAT FUN HOME WAS THE SHOW THE DOCTOR WENT TO IN THE REVIVAL. MY LESBIAN ASS IS SO HAPPY ALSO HOW OLD ARE THE DOCTOR’S KIDS IF THEY’RE SEEING CHICAGO

an invitation to sleep in my arms:

one of my favorite songs on the album.

the orchestrations behind it are really soothing and there are the most gorgeous harmonies at 2:27. desperately need someone to duet this with

whenever “mr music” is mentioned i think of like some 7 year old running around in a magician’s hat using a magic wand as a conductor’s stick

rhoda means so well

“i get distracted so damn easily” cut to gordon not being able to write a note of a song as soon as roger walks in. also cut to gordon forgetting what he was supposed to be writing also imo gordon probably has adhd

give roger and gordon more duets, or at least treasure the ones they get… that’s all i ask

ALSO I LOVE HOW FAMILY ORIENTED MIMI IS, like she is such an advocate for the belief that life is worth living and worth treasuring the important people in your life

also, the interactions between rhoda and mimi are some of my favorite

change:

such a good solo for high voices??? super fun and belty

i love that bill finn writes women just as dimensional as his other characters (though i wish he wrote more female-headed works i suppose. that’s just a hope of mine in general though)

the yes song:

the yes song takes me on like 7 different emotional arcs

“or when someone says “would you like to lose your virginity”/someone with whom you have no affinity” sondheim is SHAKING

“yes i will go to my grandparents to israel” is a line that can only really be appreciated by watching it goddamn

WHERE IS HIS SON??????

in the middle of the room (part i):

sometimes i think about how jonathan groff got into a car accident during the lyric “and i’m waiting for a car to come along and kill me”…. like how ICONIC???

ana sounds so concerned and on the border of falling apart in the recording i love talent

throw it out:

throw it out is a really versatile song,, like the tenderness at the beginning, the later comedic aspect of mimi desperately trying to find something to blame for gordon’s illness.

“‘HOW TO MEET A SAILOR’ GOOD SON” IM GENUINELY CRYING WITH LAUGHTER IG WE ALL KNOW HOW ROGER AND GORDON MET I LOVE A LYRIC

in the middle of the room (part ii)

this bit is so frantic. also it scared the shit out of me in the production when they brought out that drill oh my god

a really lousy day in the universe:

HEY THIS IS ILLEGAL ESP IN THE BOOT HE LOOKS LIKE HE’S ABOUT TO CRY

that aside, it’s a very pretty song

also, the fact that a new brain is partially autobiographical is wild??? like, bill finn’s partner had a therapy session with a homeless lady. what a wild conversation to relay back to him tbh

brain dead:

more commonly known as the resident banger of the anb ost

i don’t have a ton to say about this but lesbians (myself) do love a song that slaps

jonathan groff NAILS the phrase “what i am” it’s Gorgeous

the music still plays on:

mimi is such an incredible character don’t sleep on her wtfff

i think that the music still plays on gives a really interesting perspective both into mimi’s life, especially with the lines, “i was brash; i was bold,” and “married too young, and divorced far too old”

“the music still plays on… as my men depart” i think this line is interesting in that it emphasizes that mimi doesn’t want to be left alone. her divorce really affected her — it’s mentioned several times and she’s regretful. and right after it she feels stupid for feeling vulnerable. we see that later in the song, and the theme shifts into moving on, as the music (& life) still plays on

don’t give in:

hey so don’t give in is so fucking cursed both because of the beginning and jonathan groff mumbling “spaghetti”

you boys are gonna get me in such trouble:

RICH IS UHHH UNDERRATED

love the sound effects

title is Too Fucking Long

i’d rather be sailing (reprise):

“i choose to live” is such a powerful statement. it actually reminds me of the foreward to one of our choral pieces, named after the poem “invictus”

the lyrics “i am the master of my fate. i am the captain of my soul" from “invictus”, and the remark “just as death is inevitable, so is life” remind me so strongly of this reprise

the homeless lady’s revenge:

“i feel about eight”/ “don’t hyperventilate out on the street, normal, lively, and sweet” i love A Dynamic

“the life is wonderful”s are so nice… their voices blend so nicely

“half these books with my name on the cover”/“some with the name of your lover” i can’t believe mimi threw out ROGER’s books too oh my god. also a shared library…. sweet

roger’s attempt to persuade grace is very charming and her reaction is priceless and i love it so much. grace is such a chaotic force (insert prayer hands emoji x100)

also gordon’s “what!?”

the vocal arrangements in this is really nice in that everyone has in character, funny reactions, but the song still has lovely melodies and still feels like a song, not a filler. william finn really out here writing conversational theater at its peak. i definitely like these songs of his (like roger arrives, an invitation) because they don’t really get old and are so full of character

time:

“i give you time to value what you’ve found”

also let roger say “my love” not “my friend” oh my godddd

time and music:

yet again, a new brain showcases the beauty that is jonathan groff’s and aaron lazar’s vocal blend

and wow the vocal arrangements during the last half of time and music! holy shit! and it doesn’t even let up during the end of i feel so much spring!

i love the end of this show; its message is so hopeful honest

tl;dr listen to a new brain and talk to me about anb i have so many thoughts

#a new brain #william finn #musicals #jonathan groff #anb #mine #nobody asked for this but here i am.... desperate for anb content so im making it myself

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francofolle · 4 years

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class starts again on tuesday, so i spent some time today getting ready for that. that included thinking back on the last month and a half/two months since the last class and trying not to guilt myself for not doing the things i had planned and wanted to do. now that im coming out of the smoky, quarantine hell that was august, im having a lot of thoughts that want to guilt me for “accomplishing nothing” and want to make me feel bad for “wasting all this time”. the good news is as much as they like to pop up, ive gotten good at shooting them right back down; kinda like whack-a-mole. im working to reframe “accomplish” & “productive” and reminding myself that most of august, i was on edge and trying everything to avoid panic attacks. the orange sky day i just.. i could tell my brain wasn’t dealing with it, like i had my back to my windows the whole day and im not sure i’d ever focused so much on the office before.

so i feel like now that im trying to come out of it, now that i need to be focused on class again, im feeling all of it and its been really hard. day to day, i was just doing what i needed to get through the day. sometimes i’d skype with friends, sometimes i’d bake or cook, sometimes i’d write or read, but most days i felt like i only had enough energy to manage my anxiety. im really proud of how long i made it this year focusing on the positives and things in my control, but august hit me with so much at once (including my fear of covid + wildfires) and it hit me really hard. so through august, it was day by day, just focusing on trying to make the day as good and calm as it could be. but now im feeling the results of all the anxiety and stress i was holding in, including a really sucky panic attack last night at like 1am, and trying to actually work through it, rather than just holding my breath til the anxious bit stops. bc turns out i cant hold my breath as long as covid or the wildfires & smoke stick around. and im really done feeling tired and stuck.

im also realizing ive clearly been holding in a lot either for my own sake or other’s sake (if i dont say how bad i feel, it means its okay right?) but with a little perspective, i have been struggling and being able to write it out here really helps. not sure how i learn to ask for help or even know when i need help before after the fact, but trust me those are big thoughts in my mind lately too. but also i am okay, im just working through a lot and its taking a lot of emotions and energy.

#madeleine parle #im gonna include astericks bc i dont want this post found on the tags #tw d*pression & anx*ety #tldr august fucked me up and im realizing how much now and im working through it but its hard

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silkyandsurveys · 7 years

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July 28 2017

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? More milk than cereal 2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? Yes I love winter 3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? I just fold the page 4: how do you take your coffee/tea? I don't take it at all 5: are you self-conscious of your smile? Yes I'm super self conscious of my smile I used to not be until people started pointing it out 6: do you keep plants? No cause they die really easily 7: do you name your plants? No 8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? I write in a journal 9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? I love singing so much I wish I was good at it more than anything lol 10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Back and side always 11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends? To many to list or count 12: what's your favorite planet? Neptune and Uranus ;) 13: what's something that made you smile today? I hung out with one of my sisters friends and we always have a good time 14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? MESS 15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! No 16: what's your favorite pasta dish? Chicken alfredo always and forever 17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? Purple would be so cool 18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. Me and my two very close best friends decided to make slime and throw it at my ceiling and pieces of it are forever stuck to my ceiling. Me and my friend were peeing our pants everywhere 19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I keep notebooks around that I randomly and rarely write and draw in but I have a notebook app that I frequently write in. Just about my day or my week 20: what's your favorite eye color? brown and hazel like yesss they're so pretty 21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. Can't say I have one 22: are you a morning person? Noooooo 23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Lay in my bed and go on my phone 24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? Yeah kinda 25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into? A car at a car dealership lmao 26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit? I used to be obsessed with toms but currently my converse 27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor? Watermelon forever bitch 28: sunrise or sunset? Sunset of course 29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? She's really really smiley and I pick at her for it but it's actually really nice 30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? Yes 31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. Socks are make or break situation. 32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. Spent 3 hours making a video star to its everyday bro by Jake Paul. All the words are engraved into my brain 33: what's your fave pastry? Cheese danish bitch 34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? Lamb pillow pet. Named lamby. Just look up lamb pillow pet but the fur on it is all fucked yo because my mom put it in the dryer. And yes I still have it 35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? No 36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now? None my brain is literally white noise right now I'm so tired 37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? Clean 38: tell us about your pet peeves! There's so many I'm not abot to get into that mess 39: what color do you wear the most? Dark colors for sure 40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you? I have a necklace with my name on it. Got it from my grandma I wore it a lot in seventh grade aka one of the worst years ever 41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving? Elenor and park 42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! No because I hate coffee and I'm not a hashtag Tumblr aesthetic girl so I don't go running around trying to find aesthetic coffee shopsn 43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? I legit don't remember 44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? Probably at night in a car when I was like 10 45: do you trust your instincts a lot? Yes 46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. Ok found this joke from a vine don't @ me. Anal with her made my day. But it made her hole week. Bitch I die 47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? Twinkies. Beef sticks. Tomatoes. Mushrooms. 48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? Car crashes. Thunderstorms/ natural disasters. And yes 100% 49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? No it's dumb I pay Apple Music 14$ a month for a reason 50: what's an odd thing you collect? I used to collect snow gloves but for some reason and somehow I have a lot of turtles from a bunch of different places. Like little turtle souvenirs 51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? My crush and it's so dumb but hey Stephen by Taylor swift damn. 52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? All of them 53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? No.no.yes.no. Idk I haven't seen like any of them 54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? Ummmmm my face in the mirror idk 55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point? Ummm not sure everything I do is dramatic so 56: what are some things you find endearing in people? It's 1am and I can't remember what endearing means 57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? It reminds me of glee. And ps I didn't listen to it just in my head I imagine Jessie sprinting around stage whilst Quinn gives birth so that's an image 58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? My friend abby is the vodka aunt and my friend julia is the wine mom 59: what's your favorite myth? Mermaids 60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? No 61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received? Little einsteins singing toy when I was 9 years old from m great grandma. Lol love! 62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? No 63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? No I own like 4 books 64: what color is the sky where you are right now? Black 65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with? Yeah some friends from school I miss 66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? Ew shut up (roses) 67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? Sad and gross 68: what's winter like where you live? Brutal but I <3 it 69: what are your favorite board games? Uno and spoons and don't come at me saying they're not board games because I don't care 70: have you ever used a ouija board? No im not about to release that shit in my home 71: what's your favorite kind of tea? I don't like tea but if I had to choose sweet passion green tea from Panera fucks major shit up 72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it? No 73: what are some of your worst habits? Biting my nails. Chewing the inside of my gum and picking at the skin on my thumbs 74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. Awesomely cool dude 75: tell us about your pets! Annoying but cute sometimes I guess 76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't? Sleeping 77: pink or yellow lemonade? Pink always 78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? Hateclub I would say j always have been but I'm gonna be honest and expose myself for wearing a minion shirt to school in fifth grade. Soo. 79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? Ummm not sure 80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? Dark purple. No I did not. I wanted lilac but since I'm the younger sister I don't get to choose 81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. Ocean 82: are/were you good in school? Yeah 83: what's some of your favorite album art? Ummm the flower boy album that just came out is really cool 84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? Eh they seem cool and I like them but I feel like trendy tattoos are the most regretful 85: do you read comics? what are your faves? No 86: do you like concept albums? which ones? Yeah. Not any in specific 87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Cuberbully lmao it's kinda cringey but it's so good and hatchi because that shit has made me hyperventilate. Omg and titanic 88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? ???? Again 1:30 am brain doesn't understand 89: are you close to your parents? Yeah 90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. I love philly don't get mad at me for loving trash 91: where do you plan on traveling this year? My home and my school 92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? GIVE ME ALL THE CHEESE 93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most? just done or in a ponytail 94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? The boy I like lol 95: what are your plans for this weekend? Well I hope it's to hang out with my friends but work is a stupid bitch 96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? Procrastinate 97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? Idk off the top of my head. Aquarius. I think gryffindor 98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? For a school field trip and no becaue I was sweating and dying 99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. I won't mind by zayn <3 that song because it explains my whole life that literally any body I like will not be mine ever! 100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years in the future maybe?

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deadcatelog · 7 years

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chaha,, this is why i ended up crying on the sidewalk at 12am outside of a public event i’d brought a ticket for because i wanted....... i thought we both wanted to go........ she told me she was in the city then suddenly she says she realized she was actually in longisland and about 2hrs away from the city........ even when.

i thought were going to do something fun together again for once, since it’d been so long...... i sai d i wanted to go see it and she said she wanted to come and i told her where i was.. she has a car and i took the train which is a lot slower and; she never responded? we used to talk for hours.. then about an hour, or a little more than an hour away? maybe 2? from when the event was soupposed to start she told me she was hanging out in a lounge with some of her other friends. drinking and partying? i was nt mad she was enjoying herself but i was peevedshe didn’t even tell me she was back in the city.... even if that was the case that she ever wasn t omg... it wasso close to when the even was soupposed to start. there’s no cell service in the subway and my phone was abt to die. i texted her asking, i don’t remember? omething about the event.i think i told her i was an hr away from it and since we were both in different places and w diff. transportation situations... she took so long to respond... my phone was about to die.. im so fucking easy to fool lmao, i was curled up in the corner of a room after i finally walked in the event charging my phone for 2 hrs (the event was 3 hrs) waiting for anything... she always lets her phone die when shes out late at night. my phone was on 1% so i thought maybe hers was too so i stopped thinking about it and just sat at the bar and listened to the music. i think my last text to her was “are you coming?” i woke up in the middle of the day the next day and there was just still no response.. i should have expected this. she’s been so cold lately. she probably just realized what a fucking mess and a burden i was and that she didn’t have to do that once she saw how normal people acted towards each other. she probably didn’t want to deal with the stress......she was being nice about it and i was being an idiot. last time we hung out i pointed out that there was this function in manhattan while we were in queens after getting something to eat, we spent all day in queens until she led me into a dunking donut and sat down and we sat there for hours. she said she had to charge her phone. she had a portable charger. right before this she kept telling me how tired she was and how she wanted to go home and i protested but then i was like... ok thats fine ur tired lets go to ur car and i’ll see u off but she told me she’d parked really really far away.i didn’t mind, she was the last person whose company i enjoyed. i was so scared of the idea that she wanted nothing to do with me. we stayed in that fucking donut shop for hours. i was tired too so i got a double expresso so we could hang out like we’d sai we’d do.... like i’d traveled 2hrs for to do.... she didn’t even talk to me almost the entire time, she was jst staring at her phone. maybe complaining about how i wouldn’t take a hint. i don’t even know who those ppl r she never told me anything about them besides the fact that some of them were older than her and they went out drinking together often. she sounded like she really liked them. i didnt care that she had other friends whose company she enjoyed so much... it made me happy to see how well she was doing after hs. god im such a fool. i’m so fucking stupid im literally fucking retarded. she;d been acting weird and distant for months. i thought that was just what is was like watching your hs friends grow up when u two were in completel different situations but there were so many times where i’d toss all my plans to prepare to travel/hang out w her just to show up and suddenly she didn’t have the time bc she had something she had to do that ...just so happened to be starting like 10 minutes after i’d traveled all the way across manhattan to see her... im a fucking idiot. she probably decided she didn’t like me anymore a long time ago after nothaving to deal w me every day and was probably trying tolet me go easy by letting me chose not to make the same dumb decisions over and over but i was so desprate to hold onto her bc no one else talks to me. an y sane person wouldn’t have stood up for that... and some times i did say to her that what it wasn’t cool to call me over and say we should hang out only to tell me she’d have to bail for an interview or something she was scheduled for like a week b4 we met up or something. she never responded to those texts. i was so scared she would decide she was mad at me and done dealing with me so i never mentioned them again even though it fucking hurt. i felt like a toy being tugged around when she got bored but immediately threw away when something else, something more important than leisure of course, came up. i dont know how to make friends. looking back on it, were we even really best friends like i thought? we were only friends for a year, maybe that wasn’t enough? i enjoyed her comapny... and S’s comapny, and sometimes A’s company so much... especilly when we were all thogether even if it was just in class. maybe im just being inconsiderate and i cant see why so im jumping to conclusions bcfrom my point of view i’m?? everything hurts again. im always the fucking dummy, the crazy psycho weirdo that even the nicest ppl could see needed to be put down before it hurt anyone or them. even someone as blind as me can see it in their fucking eyes. they get wide, they back up a bit or hunch their shoulders and stop talking and my fucking dumbass just walks forward and keeps running my dumb mouth bc all i think of it is ‘oh! what happened? they wont be able to hear me from that far away i’ll walk closer and keep taling’ ad now im just afucking angry loser screaming like a fucking toddler on the floor about how unfair the world is when the truth is nobody deserves to fucking have to deal with me. mr g was right to fucking hate my entitled guts. ms garia was right to fucking hate my guts too while putting on a huge fake grinthat i just saw as proof that what i thought she was probably thinking of me was just my outlandish brain trying to make me feel like the entire world was fucking against me when in reality that wasn;t the case when in reality that was the case because they have a fucking reason to be. even though i wasbeginning to ate my uncle for basically cornering me all the time and listing off all the ways he thought i was stupid and disgusting and a pain to have around wasn’t he fucking right? it i it cant just i cant just run around being offended by everyone in the world and giving them the silent treatment-- even if i thought i was giving them space,how could they fucking know??

there probably isnt a person on this planet that would feel sympathy for my fucks. ed up situation because they suddenly have to deal with treating this entitled stupid bitch super delicately least she hurt them. i don’t even know what i do to hurt them, but i do it anyways. im 100% sure that its just by being me. my mother always fucking screamed at me since i was little how much of a curse i was on her. i can’t imagine my brother came out of nowhere with what he was thinking when he stomped upstairs and choke slammed me against my fucking bed and screamed in my face while he shook me and stepped on my laptop after i took my food back. he called me ungrateful. he yelled it to me straight in my ear as if to force it into my head. i don’t even remember being ungrateful?? he talked about brining home food he let me eatallthe time like white astle but i thought i’d always expressed my gratitute but maybe i didn’t?? i don’t remember. i always felt like id din.

there’s a fucking REASON why EVERYONE i meet thinks im a fucking liar and more than worthy of their distain and being put in my place whether it meant i’d get my feelings or my fucking face hurt. everyone wants me to apologize to my brother. and my mother. everyone thinks im being an unreasonable cunt. EVERYONE in my family has shown distain or disapointment in me. it doesnteven fucking matter that i was ableto get into one of the best schools in the country. now i just get even more people outright avoiding me or confronting me bout how much of a fucking disgrace they think i am. my fucking exsistance is always a major fucking burden on everyone around me. it just keeps happening again and againandn again and i keep trying to change but the cycle never stops. it doesnt matter how good of a persn i run into, after having to deal w me for a few weeks they’ll start pushing me out of the way if im walking too slow or step on my toes or avoid me and talk about me behind my back. i can imagine it.... i’ve always told myself i was wrong and oerthinking myself but it always turns out to be true and its always worse than i imagned they’re always way more pissed off at me for my bullshit and that hurts more than any ~over anxious thinking~ i could tell myself. they dont deserve to have to deal with a fucking demon like me but im fucking human too and it hurts so fuking bad. i an see how much they hate me or are pissed to have to put up with me. my uncle told me a few weeks ago that he wish i knew how much he wanted to fucking hurt me when he came back to his apartment and saw the mess i made... i swear to god i was letting the fucking meat defrost... it was 1am bu i was up the entire time; i was making burgers. there were two and the first one was fucking raw and frozen on the inside despite deforsting it in the microwave. he asked me over and over again when school was starting again. i wanted to cry at how obvious it was he wanted me fucking out. i thought i just had bad luck witht my mom but that made me realize it wasn’t fucking bad luck it was all my own fault. probably from the very beginning. i couldn’t help that i didn’t want towash the dishes then and did eveything i ould to get out of it with her. i couldn’t help that even though i did wash the dishes and cleaned up after myself that i let everything aroun d me get so bad before i did something about it. back then i just didnt want to do it and i thought it was unfair that i was always the one to clean the dishes all the time while tony only had to tae out th e trash once a week or so. every time she told me to get off my ass and wash the dishes it was so fucking full it made me mad that i was cleaning up after everyone else. and every time i pointed that out of course both of them were aginst me. she and he told me in their own ways they bot h thought it was only fair.

that fucking bitch. she wasn’t even anywhere close to fucking proud when i got into columbia. her voice was flat the entire time, i tried to get her excited so hard. i knew she cared about money, i told her how much money a school like this could help me make and it was basically fucking radio scilence. and i wasn’t even anywhere comfortable, i was at this place in brooklyn (fucking brooklyn, fuck brooklyn) for this other girl i’d just become friends with (that’s a lie, i dont become friends w ppl idk how she just picked me up like a dog off the dtreet. she told me she liked to do that with people once)and this new teacher that got so pissed at me when i wandered off like i wasn’t fucking 30 days off from being 18 years instead of 8 years old... my heart was singing. i’d finally gotten into my dream school and she didn’t care, and then she didn’t care either. they were both probably so fucking annoyed it hurt ind ifferent ways i didnt want to talk about it anymore. i wanted to hug everyone around me, for the first time in so long i felt like my world lit up in a billion colors and i could finally be happy iforever but it was like... no one felt the same way. i get a bigger reaction from strangers who can briefly relate to me off of some superficial shit all the time than i did. i’d lost that feeling after that. it went from winning the lottery to just another academic achievement that nobody but me and a few other poor souls that probably had to feel obligated to say something nice even gave a shit about. those types, i cant even imagine im an entire person to them. i’m just some symbol of like... society as a whole not being... fucking i dont know,? even this sounds fucking arragont and hell coming out my my mouth nowthat i type it out... lmao mr. g just gave me this fucking look after the announcement took place for the rest of the year. i wanted him to acknowledge that he was wrong about me so bad, haha, that he was wrong to hate me but of course why would being the first student in the history of our shitty fucking school to even get in shitting distance of an ivy league mean anything to him? he probably figured i got in bc i was black, and poor and using that + lies to trick the adoffiers to let me in. ms garcia too. she would hardly speak to me after that. her eyes seemed to burn whenever i met them. i... never thought that they were wrong, i couldn’t shake the enthusiasim i’d lost inside of me after the other day. i( can’t imagine they thought i was anything less than absolutely coddled and spoiled athome while my entire family stroked my ego and did my every bidding since it would probably explain why i acted the way i did in class and schooli guess. fuck i cant even remember more than half the shit i did in hs.)but wasn’t going to just so happen to speak about how great if feels to know that i was probably going to be set for life, for a great fanatastic life, when they were alwyas just barely keeping their mouths shut from calling me a a fucking retarded entitled cunt every time i opened my mouth and it pissed them off.

god no wonder they hated me. im losing my train of thought. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i don’t even know wit when im hurting other ppl andyeti was always this self righteous bastard who claimed i only cared about others bc i did community service (that no one ever saw since i didn’t do it in school.... so it would be easy to just think that im just a lyingbitch trying to get attention and shit i dont deserve.... like w this admission offer lol)

everyone whose nice to me eventually learns it was a fucking mistake.i seethe way people look at me so clearly now, but still its neveruntil its too late i still dont fucking know what i do to piss everyone around me off all the time. everyone i figured was pretty smart around me always tended to avoid me or get angry at me for no reaosn i could explain. lmao. andr saw it too, she couldn’t stand being around me after a certainpoint. i dont have friends. ive never had friends like everyone else had friends. just fucking sympathizers (”why do you even speak to her?” just someone looking out for someone they loved when i did some dumb shit to them) i wish i had a knife so i could slit my throat right here. maybe then someone will read it and understand that i dont mean it but onestly would they?? am i getting anything less than i fucking deserve?? it doesnt matter if i don’t like it, i’m always brining fucking painful unnecessary bullshit into people’s lifes and make even the kindest people want to fucking rip my guts out for it. there’s a noose tied up to my closet right now but i please just please don’t want to suffer anymore.i dont want toknow what its like to be homeless, but idid this to myself. i’ve always fucking did this to myself. all my shit is password protected. i want to see myself as a martyr so bad but a martyr wouldn’t try and force someone to read this shit and try and make them feel bad for shit they barely had anything to do with that im just trying to drag them into bc i want to feel good about myself, and they only was i an accomplish that is by making other people feel bad?? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

a few weeks ag i told myself i wouldn’t do it in my dorm because i didn’t want to make other people comfortable. i dont want anyone to come and see my body next to the fucking pigsty i always seem to create wherever i go. i dont want them to have to see my half naked body, but i didnt have any clean clothes. clothes... i jsut spent over 100 on some fucking jeans and a denim jaket bc i wanted it even though i can’t really afford it. me bac k on my bullshit again, of course.oh my god oh mygod. fucking hell god dammit. but isnt this nothing less than i desevre anyway? for making so many poor innocent people have to endure my fucking insane ly uncomfortable awkwardness and the natural hellfire that surrounds me and i was born with and burns everyone around me except for me. is it really so objectively terrible when they burn me back?? they don’t know that i dont have any idea what im doing. they dont know what goes on in my head. i learned to destroy my own feelingsand shut down my human reactions while i was livnngin that hell hole........the second hellhole i came from,theone here on earthnot the one ispwaned in lol.

i really dont even want to hink about the anger the peoplewhove trulygotten to know me will go through if i did die like this. everyone around them will be superifcially mourning and they wouldnt be able to say anything bad, haha~ about me because of the social pressure or w.e, they’dprobably feel terrible themselves because i know even thoughthey hate me and hurt me or want to hurt me or lie to me to hurt me or laugh ifthey make me flinch they’d probablyfeel bad about how glad they feel and should feel for having thishorriblehellcritter whipe herselfoff the face of the earth. and everyone elsewill think im pathetic, of course. so many people already know howpathetici am. theyll ust roll their eyes in annoyance and grumble how i did everything to deserve the shit i went through, and that it was pathetic how i canttake half the shiti dish out.then they;ll go on with their lives nd i’ll be dead and forgotten and the world can cheer silently that im finally gone.

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