#its a mood right now. i want to be a marshmallow. i would just. wobble round. with joy

[pacoc-a]

Time in waiting [wip]

Rating: G

Pairing: Five\Vanya

tags; bed sharing, fluff, childhood crush, missed chances, angst

Vanya and Five and their years apart.

Vanya had never been one for fighting so it’s odd that she’s the one with the bruise on her forehead now.

It really started with Luther and Diego.

They were fighting, again, and all she wanted was for them to just stop before they hurt themselves so she moves between them and then she’s not really sure where the punch came from but the next moment she’s on her back and there’s the blood trickling between her eyelashes, shiny and sticky and wet.

Luther at least, had the decency to look ashamed.

Five comes sometime after Pogo has chased them off. She remembers the tick on his jaw, and the stern way he took the bandages off her hands and held her still beside him. Vanya almost felt the need to apologise.

The bruise did look bad. It’s purple and blotchy and it stings.

She wants to cry.

It doesn’t quite register.

Her pills do this, makes everything lag a minute behind so that she's left with the afterthought of a feeling instead of the real thing.

It's a little like seeing the world through a wall of cotton.

It’s for anxiety, she tells herself. She’s been numbed by the pills for so long, the thought of stopping and letting the cloud in her head clear is terrifying. It’s good for her. She’s honestly not sure what that means but Dad says it’s important and that counts for something at least,

She rubs the corner of her eye and it forces a tear out of her.

‘You okay?’ He frowns.

‘Yeah. It just hurts that's all.’

‘Consider it a lesson learned. Getting between those two knuckleheads automatically makes you an even worse version of stupid. Those two are morons and can’t help themselves. You should know better.’ But he puts the bandage on a little carefully this time.

Maybe she’s just a creature of habit. Vanya has been living with only half a feeling all her life and she’s just fine. No problems here. If given the choice, she’d go back to the pills every time.

It’s hard to miss what you can't remember.

Five finishes fixing her up.

‘Well, good news.’ He sits back, ‘You’ll live. You might have a bump on your head for a couple of days but I don’t see how that’s anyone’s fault but yours.’

‘Gee… thanks Five.’

He can be a real jerk sometimes.

Five grins. He brushes the hair out of her eyes. He probably already knows she’d do it again.

The Hargreeves are stupid like that.

There’s a comfortable silence that settles between them. It’s a different sort from the stifling air when she slots herself between the rest of her siblings like a mismatched jigsaw puzzle, awkwardly positioned in all the ways that lets her know she doesn’t belong. Theirs is the kind that is warm and soft, wrapping around their shoulders like a fuzzy blanket.

It’s nice.

He rubs the strands of her hair between his fingers. ‘Your hair’s getting long’, he says.

‘Yeah, I was gonna ask Mom to cut it but maybe not, you know, now that I’ve got this big bump on my head.’

‘Knucklehead.’ He grins. She laughs, calls him weird and swats him away.

Something in her gut stirs. Something sweet like honey, and Vanya isn’t old enough to put a name to it yet so she tells herself that it’s probably the bruise making her head swim like this and leaves it alone.

—

Five has always been a little different from the rest of her siblings. He’s always stood out in the spaces where Vanya has blended in.

Maybe it’s just a part of who he is. Number Five is too brilliant to simply waste his days blending and hiding. He’s brash and arrogant and he’s not the least bit sorry for it.

She’s a little in awe of him.

It’s not just because she’s shy. Reginald has always made it a point to keep her out of the spotlight with her family. She’s not allowed in the common room when the team is meeting. She doesn’t understand their jokes at the dinner table because how could she? When the press comes to gather at the entrance of the mansion, she’s at the other end studying geography. When she finally hits those runs she’s been hacking away for weeks, the others are on the other side of the planet saving the world.

Sometimes, she wonders if she’d have half the confidence if she’d been the least bit special.

It’s a desperate thing to want.

Five never seems to mind though.

He jumps to her side because he wants to, even though he’s all bloody and Mom is right there. He eats the crusts off her sandwiches because she asks.

He dabs the blood off her forehead because she’s hurt.

Five is brash and arrogant but he’s also kind.

Late at night, she creeps past the dark, dimly lit hallways of the Academy and slips his favourite sandwich under his door. The foil is loud when it crumples under the doorway and for a moment she goes still, afraid that someone would come and find her. There’s no one though, and eventually, she makes her way safely back inside her room.

Tomorrow, she can thank him properly. For now, she’s hoping he’d enjoy an early breakfast and the extra marshmallow she added on his sandwich.

—

She goes to his room one afternoon with a tray of food.

Five is jumping from one end of the room to the other, muttering shit shit shit under his breath as he shuffles through his notes with a frantic energy that could rival a lightning bolt. He's almost certainly not in a good mood. He doesn't stop working, not even after Vanya knocks on the door and lets herself in.

'What's up?' Vanya asks.

'Problem solving.'

She takes in the piles of notebooks stacked on his desk and the tiny pieces of paper sprawled across his bedroom floor like confetti.

'Looks like a hurricane went through here.' She picks up a piece of paper on the ground.

'Don't touch anything!' He snaps.

She stops, then places it down. Five huffs and goes back to his notes.

'Can I help? I can sort out your notes if you want.'

'It's fine. I'm just stuck. These numbers aren't working out.'

'Well why not?'

‘Because..' his voice is dripping with frustration, ‘it just isn't. These two things don’t fit. I can’t make it.'

'I thought I could use my old formula to back it up in case the numbers go wrong but it looks like I'll have to go back to square one.' He laughs mirthlessly, 'Shit, I should have gone over this before. I should have…'

‘Didn't you tell me your old formula could be unreliable? Why not just use the numbers you did before, the one you did on my book?'

He opens his mouth like he’s going to argue, stops, then shuffles away to thumb over the rest of his notes.

He gets like this with his work, forgets to eat or take care of himself. It’s an obsession. His nose is stuck on numbers the moment he’s out of training and everything else is secondary.

Honestly, it’s worrying.

She hopes he knows that there's people here who cares about him.

‘I brought you lunch, by the way. Mom said she came by to get you food but you sent her away so I thought I’d come over.’

He doesn’t even turn to look at her. ‘If I didn’t want food then, what makes you think I’d want food now. I’m busy unravelling time and space itself, I’d rather not be disturbed.’

‘When’s the last time you ate?'’

‘What does it matter.’

There’s a couple of minutes of silence where Vanya just doesn’t know what to do. The room is filled with the sound of Five’s pencil scribbling away at his notes and it’s making her painfully aware of the fact that she is very much unwanted here, standing on his space, taking up his time. He's always been stubborn, and Five in this mood is almost impossible to talk to.

She looks down at the tray. The food is getting cold.

‘I’ll leave this here then.’ She places it on the empty space on his desk, ‘It’s soup. I snuck in some bread for you too if you want some.'

It's probably best to leave.

‘Wait.’

Vanya is halfway out the door when Five finally calls out to her. She stops and turns back. From here, she can see him gritting his jaw the way he does when he's frustrated and he doesn't know how to say it.

'Stay. I'll eat. '

She smiles, 'Okay.'

He takes the tray and puts the bowl on his lap. He still wants to work though, so he holds the spoon over his mouth with one hand, nearly dribbling it all over himself while he's halfway through turning a page on the other. He looks so silly like this, with his arm bent and his bowl wobbling precariously on his hip. She laughs, 'Here. Let me.'

Vanya takes the spoon from his hand and he mutters a 'thanks' absentmindedly as he turns a page and opens his mouth for her at the same time.

They're close.

His focus is everywhere, charted across the steady lines of his skin like a diagram. She watches the hard shape of his brow, the stern crease on his forehead, and the way his eyes flicker back and forth across the page like a pendulum and even under the pills she feels an irrepressible sort of fondness for him. Her smart, stubborn Number Five.

She blows on another serving of soup and feeds it to him. Some of it sticks to the corner of his mouth but he doesn't seem to notice.

'You've got a little…' She reaches over and wipes it off with her sleeve.

His gaze flickers towards her for a split second and she misses the way his throat bobs, stuck on something thicker than soup, as she raises another serving for him.

—

The silence in her room is thick like black ink and there's nights when Vanya is sure it's presence is a living, breathing thing. She could feel it plugging up her lungs with its weight, feel her throat constricting like a snake, wringing the life out of her and Vanya gasps, can't even breath in here.

It's why she's grateful for those quiet evenings when the space inside her room warps to Five's footsteps, when his presence appears out of thin air like a dream. And when the bed finally sinks under his weight, it's like the night is a little kinder to her, a little warmer too.

'Klaus snuck off at Griddy's by himself again.' Five shuffles underneath the covers and Vanya shifts to make room for him. He moves until she is sandwiched between the warm pressure of his arm and the cold surface of the wall beside her.

'Can't imagine it was for the donuts though. He's got that look again. Bloodshot eyes. Sweats like he's run a marathon. Snuck back 'round the window in the back and nobody said a word.'

'I can't believe Dad didn't find out.' Vanya says.

'Yeah well, the old man never did give two shits about us as long as we do what he wants. Can't imagine why he'd start now.'

The silence is tense.

Vanya rolls to her side. Five is staring at the ceiling. She could feel herself drifting to sleep, listening to the soft, steady rhythm of his breathing. Her next words are soft. 'Where would you go? If you did time travel I mean, where'd you wanna end up?'

'I will time travel.' He scoffs, 'Besides, the past, the future, what does it matter. Anywhere is better than this shitshow of a house.'

Vanya watches him. She memorises the sharp outline of his nose in the dark, and the way he works his jaw, anger and bitterness molded to the tense shape of his mandible.

'I'll miss you.' Vanya says.

'No you won't. You'd be too busy making a life for yourself away from this place to even remember me.'

'I won't forget.' She says earnestly. 'I'll miss you every day.'

He doesn't look at her.

She can't quite make out the look on his face when it's dark like this but Vanya wants to think that he believes her.

She, at least, wouldn't want to live in a world where there's no Five.

She thinks Five has fallen asleep. She's surprised when his fingers searches for her in the dark. They wrap around the spaces in between, and he holds her tight, like something to keep.

They stay like that, fingers entwined on her tiny twin bed, like two captives floating across a dark sea.

—

The day comes at the dinner table and it starts with a knife on the table and a question.

Five, for all his genius and ambition, is still just a child. He demands attention like it too because he's ready goddammit and he throws a fit, trembling down to his fingertips, right there in the middle of the family dining room.

Reginald would never give it to him. And maybe it's really Vanya, shaking her head firmly 'No' that hardens his resolve, she would never be sure, but it is then that Five turns on his heel and makes a decision.

She remembers the sound of his footsteps as he flings the big, wide doors of the Academy and rushes out into the world beyond.

She remembers her two, stubborn feet planted firmly on the wooden floor as he leaves.

He doesn’t come back.

—

Vanya waits for him for a long time

Her Saturdays are quieter without him. There’s a spot in the lounge where she likes to practice and sometimes she imagines Five sitting on the couch beside her, poring over his books or going over his equations with his Einstein sort of manic, frantic energy until she’s worried he’ll wear down his pencil to dust.

She imagines him perched on her desk while she tells him about Klaus and Diego and the ants, his legs dangling slightly above the floor and that playful gleam in his eye as he proceeds to tell her what they're going to do about it.

It's odd how a person can be everywhere and nowhere at once.

Every morning she wakes up to a peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich sitting in the middle of the hallway, cold and untouched. And every night she gets up and makes him another one.

WIP

[sharp-cheekbones-locked]

Hot Chocolate (DW calendar Pt.3)

Summary: Hot chocolate or tea? The Doctor and Stella can’t stop arguing about this. And who the bloody hell ate all the biscuits? But in the end, Stella has a surprise for her favourite Time Lord.

Somewhere in time and space. Certainly there must have been December 3rd, 2019 but not here.

My toes wobbled over the back of the bench in the control room and the blanket was tightly wrapped around my body. I read in my book that Agatha had given me. The murder at the vicarage'. Yes, from THE Agatha. I was just following Miss Marple's experiences with excitement and couldn't avert my gaze at all. Blindly I felt for my tea cup on the ground.

The Doctor screwed something under me inside the TARDIS and our silence was only disturbed by turning a page or dropping a wrench.

I clumsily pushed the cup over with my hand so that the reddish-brown liquid spilled over the bottom of the console. I sighed and put my book aside to make myself a new cup. My cuddly socks groped quietly across the floor of the TARDIS before I filled a new kettle with water and put it on the stove.

*oOo*

"Would you like to have a cup of tea too, Doctor?" I asked said Time Lord, this time armed with a whole pot and two cups. Somewhere under my feet in the intestines of the console a grunting sounded before the Doctor's face appeared at the edge of the stairs. Some brown strands of hair stuck to his face. He moved his back of his hand over his sweaty forehead, spreading all the black oil over his face. His hands and suit were also stained black. For a short moment I forgot what I had asked him and just looked at him. He threw me a warm, though slightly insecure smile that almost took my breath away and drove his way through my hair in such a way that it stood out in all directions, which only made him look better.

"Nah. I'll make myself a cocoa later," he refused. "But I did too much! Besides, tea is much better than cocoa", I said. "What? In which universe is tea better than cocoa? Cocoa is much better than tea," the Doctor explained in disbelief. "It's not!" "Yes, it is!" "No!" "Yes!" "Why do we argue about drinks?" I asked annoyed. The Doctor just turned around and left. "Where are you going?" I asked confusedly. "I will make two cups of cocoa to prove to you once and for all that cocoa is a thousand times better than tea!" he called back over his shoulder before disappearing into the countless corridors of the TARDIS. Shaking my head, I picked up my book from the floor and sipped my tea.

*oOo*

A clang and rattling sounded from the kitchen, then a swearing and finally something that sounded suspiciously like the sonic screwdriver, but I didn't go back to it. Only a few minutes later a large steaming cup of cocoa stood in front of me. It carried a mountain of cream like a foam crown and smelled of cinnamon and chocolate. Small marshmallows adorned the cream and floated around in the brown brew. I couldn't help but take a deep breath of the scent. The Doctor already grinned confidently. He himself had taken a seat next to me and pushed my legs a little aside. I generously covered our legs and slipped closer to him until I leaned my cheek against the rough fabric of his suit. The fact that I got machine oil myself didn't bother me any further.

Carefully I placed the steaming cup on my lips and tasted the Doctor's cocoa. From the corner of my eye I saw how he watched me with excitement. I couldn't help but close my eyes and sigh when I tasted the hot chocolate.

The cream melted sweetly on my tongue, the marshmallows swell up and soaked with cocoa. They floated around in my mouth like soft cushions and were so sweet that they stuck to my teeth. The chocolate tasted like real dark chocolate and a note of cinnamon rounded it off. It was the best cocoa I had ever drunk in my life. The Doctor also put his warm drink on his lips and took a big sip before leaning back and wrapping an arm around me.

"And?" "You convinced me. That's the best thing I've ever drunk," I mumbled into the cup. He grinned contentedly. When he looked at me again, his brown eyes shone in the dim light of the TARDIS. He smiled.

"You have some cream there" he murmured and wiped it off my lip with his thumb. "Thank you," I murmured, still caught in the spell of the chocolaty brown of his eyes. Finally I broke away from his gaze. "I... ahm... I-." Angry at the trembling in my voice I fell silent, stood up and gathered briefly, then turned to the Doctor. "We still have some cookies. I'll get some quickly," I hurried. Also the Doctor seemed still dazed and nodded only. Around the corner I leaned against the wall, breathed deeply and drove me through the long blond strands. What was wrong with me? Hopefully the whole Christmas mood "Christmas is the time of lovers" didn't rise to my head, did it?

When I opened the can with the cookies, I froze in the movement. "Did anyone eat half the cookies?" I asked when I returned to the console. The Doctor looked past me. I asked "Doctor" and began to laugh. Also on his lips was a little smile. I sighed and fell next to him again, this time keenly aware that our shoulders weren't touching. We remained silent, drank our cocoa and only the crumbling and chewing of the cookies could be heard.

"I think I've eaten enough cookies for the next two years," I said moaning and rubbed my stomach. I had tried to keep my mouth filled so as not to have to talk to the Doctor. "What do you mean by 'enough cookies'? There aren't enough cookies, I bet it's not physically possible," the Doctor replied, redirecting the whole thing to scientific paths. "I think I'm going to have a baby food" I laughed. "I want to be godfather." he raised his voice and also started to grin. Suddenly he stretched out his hand and put it on my stomach. I felt the warmth radiating from his hand to my belly. The Doctor tried to say "I think it's kicking" with a serious expression, but a laugh sparkled in his eyes and made its way through his throat. He took my hand and put it under his on the spot of my sweater where his had been before. Immediately I missed the warmth. "Right." I was surprised and looked at him with big eyes before we laughed again.

*oOo*

We had sat quietly next to each other for a while, with the Doctor's hand still lingering on my stomach and stroking back and forth, absent, reminding me of the time when, when I was having nightmares, I had always built pillow castles with my best friend, him, when I couldn't sleep and had fallen asleep at his side at some point, while he was talking about Gallifrey. Surprised by my own thoughts I shook my head.

"What are you doing this year for Christmas, Doctor?" I asked quietly so as not to disturb the silence. He grumbled and his eyes looked for mine.

"Oh, I'll be here sometime, I'll be there sometime. My home is between the stars, Stell. If I'm needed anywhere, I'll be there." I thought for a moment, then spoke again. "Let's assume that the universe doesn't need you, what do you do then?" "The universe and the earth need me every Christmas, Stell." "But what if not, what if... Well, what if I need you more?" "You will celebrate with your friends," he replied and avoided my gaze. "You will not spend the holidays alone and sad! I will not allow that!" His hair was still hanging in his forehead and I felt the overwhelming urge to drive my hair through it, but I decided not to. "I know about your past Christmas. You will not be alone at Christmas! Not while I'm around." Of course I knew that he would always be abandoned by his companions at Christmas, but I wanted to be different. I had been traveling with him for seven years and had spent Christmas with friends at his request, that was over now! "You could come with me to my friend's?" I pondered. "Nah. I'm not that guy for the celebrations." He replied stubbornly. I put my arms in my hips and pushed his hand off my belly. "Well, if you don't want to go to the party, I'll bring the party to you! We will spend christmas together! With everyone! Rose, Jack, Donna, Martha, Mickey, Jackie, Meta-Doctor!" He smiled sadly and drew a strand of blonde hair from my face. "That's not possible and you know that! They exist in another universe or they don't even remember me, Stell. "If I want, I can do anything, Doctor! You can count on it! We will spend Christmas together."

"Why are you doing all this for me" he asked and looked honestly touched. My fingers found his as always. "Because you mean the universe to me, Doctor."