#its been a great year >:] to get really fucking hyperfixated in this bitch. anyway. yeehaw . omnomnom. happy hoglidays

[sideblogdotjpeg]

post battle, one last short rest

[bunnakit]

PERSONAL RANT AND HOW MUCH I LOVE MY FRIENDS TIME

so people in my real life know I've idolized @bilvyy and his art for like, fucking YEARS, at least 5 years now i think?

and the fact that we're friends now like - LISTEN OKAY I KNOW EVERYONE IS JUST A PERSON BUT ITS WILD TO ME OKAY? and it means so much to me that like, we can genuinely talk to each other about stuff and its like. HOW. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN. WHY IS THE WORLD SO SMALL THAT WE HAPPENED TO MEET IN ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS TWITCH CHAT. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN. anyway i love you bilvyy and i hope you arent working yourself too hard (we both know you are) and I'm so glad to be your friend and see your art and writing grow, you're so fucking skilled and i know you've worked so hard for it and you deserve the world!! and then @physicsfox7 you've been in my life for a minute and you already feel like my brother and i love you and kenna so much AND IM DETERMINED TO HEAL WHAT THAT DUMB BITCH DID TO KENNA BC KENNA IS GREAT AND DESERVES TO FEEL GREAT EVERY DAY and so do you!! i really appreciate you always thinking of me and checking on me when you can tell I'm struggling, it means so much.

and @glizzyslogger9000 your moms a hoe. NO I LOVE YOU, you know this, BUT LIKE do you KNOW??? i still can't believe we went from being so toxic and shit and abusive to each other to being platonic soulmates and i love you so much and the fact we STILL FUCKING have never met in person after FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS IS INSANE. thanks for putting up with all my screaming and hyperfixations and being my biggest fan after Ty.

and i know @barghestblack isn't on here much but I LOVE YOU TOO idk why I'm in this mood tonight but like I'm so lucky to have met you and you've added so much joy to my life and i hate that we're always so busy but i love that every time we talk it's so natural and like no time has passed. you make being your friend easy and comfy and i love mika too and i hope his burn is better and i can't wait for you guys to get a house you love!! idk why I'm in this mood tonight but like I JUST HAVE THE BEST FRIENDS. the fact that you guys support me, take interest in my silly things, talk to me at all is SO COOL I LOVE THE INTERNET LIKE DAMN

[flying-elliska]

Anyway ! Better late than never but here's my favorite stuff I read in 2022 :

- Last Night at the Telegraph Club, by Malinda Lo. Without a doubt my favorite read of the year. Somehow it manages to be heartbreaking, tender and uplifting all at once. The writing is beautifully evocative, the details chosen so clever, and I found the main character painfully relatable. It illuminates a type of experience, that of a young Chinese American lesbian in 1950s San Francisco, that has generally fallen through the cracks of history - it's a celebration of the fact that queer people have existed, everywhere through time and space, and have found ways to be happy even though it was scary and hard and they couldn't tell anyone. And it also illustrates the complex intersections between her different identities - the struggle of her immigrant family to build a life in the US during the Red Scare, the racism she experiences in queer spaces, how she struggles to make a future for herself as a woman interested in science, etc, in a way that feels very important and builds on each other. Also, it's a wonderful tribute to queer spaces and how life saving they must have been, the wonder of discovery, having to rely on crumbs of info and representation, how dangerous and uncertain it all was, just, ugh. Reading this made me think of my 17 year old self who would repeatedly go through the street of the only lesbian bar in town on purpose without daring to go in for years. It's like !!!! That specific mix of longing and anxiety and anticipation. Things have gotten so much better, and yet. Ugh. Anyway, the sense of place and geography in this book is brilliant. Also the romance is very sweet, and the end, if frustratingly open ended, took my breath away. Anyway there is a reason why it got so popular and it's one of the best sapphic books I've read - also YA at its best, easy to read uplifting coming of age story that is also well written and doesn't set aside complexity, richness of historical detail or psychological nuance. Destined to be a classic honestly.

- One Last Stop by Casey McQuiston ; already reviewed this one but for me this was the perfect fun enjoyable queer summer romance with an interesting plot and cool characters and vibes. Perfect for what it was honestly.

- Sawkill Girls by Claire Legrand ; also popular for a reason ; clever and inventive and inspiring YA, with a great uplifting kick the patriarchy solidarity between girls + Buffy vibes. Good ace rep and I just found the main couple really compelling, especially Val, the privileged queen bee with the family secretly cursed to serve a horrible monster that takes over their bodies and forces them to commit atrocities, how she's honestly kind of an evil bitch at times and is allowed that moral ambiguity but also gets to be brave and heartbreaking and lovable and redeemed in the end and also empathized with as a victim of abuse, and it's like !!!! This is exactly the treatment that male characters get so often and female characters were denied for a long time. Main couple feels like the meme where the popular shallow girl and the 'not like other girls' edgy loner girl are actually falling in love and also, real people instead of cliches. I feel like the author could have done a bit more with the atmosphere but overall it was great and I would have been obsessed with this book as a teenager.

- A Marvellous Light, Freya Marske : gay Regency fantasy romance, what's not to love? Fascinating characters and cool magic system and just a joy to read. My main caveat is that I read it in the beginning of the year and I don't remember much of it but I did remember having a blast reading it.

- Cultish, Amanda Montell : Cults have been a hyperfixation of mine for a long time, for reasons that range from intellectual/writerly interest in what it says about human behavior and group dynamics, wanting to understand how power abuse works and generally processing some fucked up shit I've experienced and witnessed growing up. And there is a lot of sensationalist, dehumanizing stuff out there, so I liked the book's more compassionate and humanistic approach. People on the whole don't join cults because they're isolated wackos or mentally weak or instable or desperate ; in fact cults tend to go for the strong willed, determined idealists who want to see the best in people and have a lot to gain in joining a movement that promises change and real action for a better world. (Unfortunately this is why a lot of cult victims are oppressed minorities). They prey on people's innate need for group belonging and meaning in an atomized world that offers little, using manipulative mechanisms of language that slowly shift your reality away from you. Far from outlandish, these mechanisms are already used at a lesser degree by a lot of big mainstream institutions and religion, and are everywhere in ads and on social media (I especially liked the bit about how MLMs function like capitalistic cults whose protestant/prosperity gospel ideology is deeply tied into our current system, which is why they've been allowed to proliferate so well). And yeah honestly i think recognizing those techniques in order to be immune to them should be basic education. Also I liked the point that a lot of what makes people vulnerable to cults are also often very useful important qualities in other settings so you can't set them aside entirely. So a very interesting book, even though it's still pop science so it gets judgmental and imprecise in places.

- Getting to Yes, Fisher and Ury : lmao this is not a very tumblr book but this is a book about principled negociation, e.g how it's not being a domineering asshole that makes you a good negotiator but instead you can get to the best outcomes by being methodical, empathetic, knowing exactly when and where to stand your ground and when to be generous, setting good boundaries and communication and showing the example by being fair without being taken advantage of. Obvs very useful in a pro setting but I think in general this is a very affirming book if you're the quiet, shy type who struggles with self-confidence. Like, you don't have to be an obnoxious immoral backstabby asshole to get what you want, you really don't.

Overall this was not a good reading year, with 18 books read down from 34 in 2021 - mostly because there were some months where I completely forgot to read. But, I did have a lot of fun reading and I still think that's the most important. Also I read more queer love stories than straight ones, which I am very happy with and definitely want to continue with.

My main goals for 2023 are to read more and especially all the books sitting unread on my shelves (you know the issue.) I want to get into more intellectually challenging stuff and balance it out with lighter reads, esp. queer adult romance and fantasy. I'd like to write more reviews here again. And yeah I want to keep having fun most of all.

[badatusernames]

CHOJI, SHIKAMARU, LEE, GAARA & HINATA!! ITS A LOT IM SORRY

THANK U FOR THIS...admittedly some answers may be a lil short just so i can like. Get to them all.

EDIT: IDK WHY IT LOOKS LIKE THIS. IM SO TIRED. IM SORRY ITS JUST A LONGASS NARUTO POST ON YOUR DASH I TRIED MY FUCKIN BEST YALL

SEND ME A CHARACTER AND I’LL DO THIS;

Chouji (man i’ve seen it spelled both ways and i’m just used to typing Chouji at this point sorry)

Sexuality Headcanon: Pansexual!!  Gender Headcanon: Cis male A ship I have with said character: SHIKAMARU. SHIKAMARU. SHIKAMARU. SHIKAMARUUUU, my god...just, everything about their dynamic makes my heart melt, the way they’re both people who are easily dismissed by others and how they have such UNFALTERING FAITH in each other. chouji knows how much of a genius shikamaru is, knows very well the fact that despite his laziness, once he commits to something he’s in it for the LONG HAUL, the way shikamaru just believes so steadfastly in chouji, considering him stronger than NEJI FOR FUCKS SAKE...they like. get one another, the kind of relationship where you can be yakking away one minute and then just sitting in contented silence the next. they can just laze around. maybe play video games and snack. and sometimes...kiss. and it’s so chill even with that latent tenderness their later relationship develops and they both just feel so safe and KNOWN and familiar like. love your best friend. anyway everyone slept on shikacho and y’all should be ashamed the naruto fandom is enormous and finding pretty much ANY content for it is almost impossible aside from the small (if lovely and amazing) tag and i’m pretty hyperfixated on it if you couldn’t tell holy SHIT.  A BROTP I have with said character: i’m really not a fan of ino taking potshots at him for his weight and outright shaming him, but once she grows out of that i absolutely love their friendship. listen, you know that post thats like--hold on

thats just them, thanks. A NOTP I have with said character: i have nothing against karui but canon is fucking dead to me and my opinions on p much all the “endgame” ships range from utterly neutral to absolute loathing. their relationship is on neither end of the spectrum, but. eh. definitely not into it. A random headcanon: he keeps nursing injured animals back to health because he’s just that fucking sweet and bringing them back to his house to keep them warm and safe while they recover and his team knows vaguely about this and ino and shikamaru like to poke fun at him for it but since they don’t tend to encounter said animals, it’s not really a huge deal.

of course they stop by his house one day bc he hadn’t shown up for training which is annoying and frankly a little concerning and finding the house mostly empty ino just bursts on into chouji’s room only to immediately have the opossum he’s been caring for latch its little paws on her face and cling.

it’s a bad morning. General Opinion over said character: literally one of my absolute favorites of all time and it really breaks my heart how overlooked he is in the fandom (seriously y’all...). i think kishimoto is kind of a stupid hack and the Fat Jokes are really grating and it sucks to see that so intrinsically tied to his character (like. just let him be fat. jesus christ) but his kindness and overall relaxed, loyal and lovable nature has me just melting. i adore him. 

Shikamaru

Sexuality Headcanon: He’s gay, scoob. (I could also talk a lot about how his earlier misogyny is both a product of being a whiny tween and also some internalized frustration of like WHATS SO GREAT ABOUT GIRLS. UGH. I DONT. STOP TELLING ME IM GONNA FALL IN LOVE WITH ONE ONE DAY DAD JESUS. and let’s be real, thats frustrating, even if it aint an excuse)  Gender Headcanon: he uses he/him pronouns because it’s just what he’s used to and comfortable with but man gender is such a drag... A ship I have with said character: SEE ABOVE SHIKACHO RANT A BROTP I have with said character: naruto! he and naruto have a really adorable friendship and i love love LOVE that he and chouji were shown to be kind and accepting of him even when most people were shunning him. also he’s so fucking dumb i love seeing shikamaru meticulously plan out something only to have naruto shriek into battle and ruin all of it. love those guys. stupid bros.  A NOTP I have with said character: ok. im sorry i just. loathe sh*katema i really do. i haaaate the way kishimoto writes this whole “ew a GIRL” “ew a MAN” vibe with the like OOOH BUT THEYRE GONNA LIKE EACH OTHER vibe like. 

don’t get me wrong i adore them as friends, i think they’re fantastic scathing and witty pals who bitch about anything and everything including each other

but they’re also both gay and kishimoto can suck my nuts byeeee A random headcanon: sometimes pakkun just fucking Shows up and chills with him. shikamaru wants absolutely no part of this but is way too lazy to like. do anything about it so it’s just this guy and a dog sitting in a field chillin and occasionally him piping up like ‘hey kid. remember when i bit your hand? yeah? haha, man time sure does fly.” while shikamaru is just. go aWAY.   General Opinion over said character: if you told 9 year old me watching naruto for the first time my favs were gonna be a three way tie of lee, shikamaru and chouji i never would have fucking believed you but here we are. i love him. i absolutely love him. he’s such a whiny bastard and a really good depiction of burnout genius who doesnt want to do ANYTHING, but his intellect is an absolute DELIGHT to watch. i love him very much. 

Lee

Sexuality Headcanon: he’s pan!! this is a boy that crushes easily and crushes hard on just about anyone!!!! Gender Headcanon: cis male A ship I have with said character: ok i ship him a lot with neji actually? what with how neji grows during the course of the series to regard lee with the respect he deserves is really sweet and there’s just something so infinitely adorable about him going around being the hammiest, most ridiculously earnest, kind and enthusiastic person and neji, now that he isn’t constantly bitter and angry at the world can finally really see that? lee is always happily dropkicking his way into his life, like he wouldn’t have it any other way, and i think that’s just...so sweet A BROTP I have with said character: SAKURAAAAA. oh my GOD do i adore their relationship. ever since lee saved her and basically just gave her a glimpse of his...lee-ness, the fact her negative opinion of him IMMEDIATELY flipped and gave her such a strong admiration and fondness for him kills me DEAD. she always treats him with so much respect and the fact she’s quick to rag on anyone making fun of him melts my HEART!! and on lee’s side, his little crush on her is adorable of course, but the sheer strength of the friendship that comes from it is more than infatuation could ever offer him. i want them to hang out together and talk about their troubles...i want them to make each other laugh and be so very kind to each other...i want sakura to storm over and throw him over her shoulder to TAKE A BREAK ALREADY when he’s been training too hard for too long. god. A NOTP I have with said character: honestly i’m pretty happy with a lot of lee ships! the only ones i view with obvious disdain are the ones with creepy age gaps honestly. A random headcanon: out of everyone in the leaf genin, he’s probably the closest anyone’s ever come to someone who EVERYONE is at least distantly friendly towards. like god have you SEEN how warm and inviting and concerned he is the SECOND he sees that naruto is feeling down? i get the sense he’s immediately inclined to provide that kind of support to any of his comrades, even the ones that Resist it.

you think sasuke is the most popular among the leaf genin? puh-LEASE. everyone looks on rock lee with at least a LITTLE bit of warmth. thats just fact. General Opinion over said character: since my first viewing of naruto he has been my Absolute fav, and while chouji and shikamaru are veeery close to stealing that spot, one look at him and i feel he’s gonna be on top forever. probably the best written character kishimoto’s ever produced that’s remained in  the main cast (tho i dont speak for shipudden onwards who fucking knows, but the truth of it is is i adore rock lee)

Gaara

Sexuality Headcanon: Panromantic Asexual Gender Headcanon: kind of like shikamaru, i feel like he uses he/him pronouns but also doesn’t particularly....Care? A ship I have with said character: ok so it wasnt until my naruto rewatch that i really started falling into this but i think him and naruto are super cute? while i loathe kishimoto for ruining so much abt this show he really is good at creating good foils to naruto, and gaara is no exception--and the way naruto changes his life by just kicking his ass (and proving he’s not just a Simp or smth) and then just, extending genuine empathy and a REAL sense of truly relating to where he’s coming from re:his upbringing? the EFFECT it has on him, bro!!!! my god!!! i feel like they’re that opposites attract ship that don’t clash constantly but instead fall into this adorable synergy and understanding? and i think thats so sweet A BROTP I have with said character: ...is it cheating to just put temari and kankuro here? bc they are literally his siblings but my GOD do i love their relationship. there’s something so deeply sad about their initial situation??? like having siblings that either are deeply fucking afraid of you or clearly don’t care for your well being whatsoever, it’s such a tragic scenario, and the times where they really do show legitimate care for gaara just breaks my heart...but the GROWTH. THE DEVELOPMENT. THE HEALING. i love the sand siblings so much, i am a STRONG advocate of seeing the development from estranged family to loving, occasionally bickering siblings who absolutely Love Each Other A NOTP I have with said character: uhhhh same with lee in that i don’t really mind most of the ships i’ve seen him in? while i don’t particularly ship gaalee i think its also Very Cute, and really it all just seems pretty valid as long as people aren’t being creepy? A random headcanon: i’ve been wracking my brain for one for a good 20 minutes and i just don’t have one he’s such a mystery to me/????? i love him but he is an enigma?? General Opinion over said character: oh my god he’s such an edgelord in the beginning. i’ve been doing a lot of this naruto rewatch with my friend @drashseed (a simply phenomenal fella 10/10 follow him) and every single time he talked the only valid response just became “ok gaara”

but his backstory? utterly HEARTWRENCHING. and his growth is just. absolutely divine, i adore him. thank you mister sandman for doing so much for us all.

Hinata

Sexuality Headcanon: Bisexual Gender Headcanon: cis woman A ship I have with said character: listen. i think kibahina is........Really Really cute. he cares about her so MUCH??? and there’s a certain tenderness to his interactions with her that’s just really evident whenever you see em together? i really love that you get the sense hinata is COMFORTABLE around him!!! like! i feel like hinata really deserves to have a partner who sees her when she ISN’T blushing and stammering? when she’s like? legitimately comfortable and being HERSELF? (dgmw the blushing is adorable i fucking love her but its one of the gripes i have with naruhina that so much of it is just naruto being oblivious and her having a small panic attack) the comfort she and kiba have make for a chill, adorable relationship i just cry over constantly A BROTP I have with said character: so i was GONNA put naruto here, but technically i already put him there for shikamaru’s so i’m gonna say neji!!! uhhh OBVIOUSLY they got off to a. very rough start but the way their dynamic changed (or perhaps in a way reverted back to the times they interacted before neji’s father died and temporarily killed his Human Decency) into this respect and fondness that’s just...such a delight to watch? i’m a SUCKER for slow and mutual reconciliation and there are just so many sweet moments between them. they are FAMILY, BRO!!! THEY CARE FOR EACH OTHER, BRO!!!!!!!!!! A NOTP I have with said character: ...at the risk of sounding like a broken record, i think a lot of hinata ships are quite cute? i guess i’m gonna have to say sasuke. because like.

has. he ever even looked at her. please. jesus christ. she deserves so much better. A random headcanon: she is a LOT physically stronger than she looks!! a lot of her combat techniques rely on taijustu after all so it’d make sense that she puts a lot of effort into physical training alongside chakra control.

i’m trying to say she’s strong. not as strong as sakura but. she can lift her bf up over her head (he’s dying hes dying he’s dYING he lOVES HER SO MUCH). it’s pretty fuckign badass

General Opinion over said character: i LOVE her??? honest to god i really really do--honestly while i dislike the direction they went in canon with her, i really loved seeing her be motivated to grow and change the parts of herself she hated to become a stronger person.

that and she’s so fucking cute and sweet and i just??????? bless her honestly.

[taeyongsbroadshoulders]

B how did u get into bts?? I feel like one day it was all Harry and the next u were creating a side blog lmao no shade or anything!! Just curious!!

oh boy.... this is gonna be a long one BUCKLE UP we’re going all the way back... to the Beginning.... (also i legit wrote Too Much so its under the cut sorry she balled Too Hard)

okay SO the first time i heard of them was in?? 2015 i wanna say?? anyway a ton of people i knew from here and saw on twitter started talking about them and reblogging them (i unfollowed all of them too.. I am Fake look where we are now LMAO) and i straight up was like I Do Not Get This

and then i didn’t hear a ton about them for a bit (bc.. unfollowing and avoiding for whatever reason lmao) and then in 2017 i started working for the football team and we had a group at halftime who was doing choreography and they sent me a clip of music they were using and it was Not Today by BTS??? and i heard it and was like ummmmmmm this fucking... slaps.... no..... and i was so mad bc i was so determined to Not be into them even tho i listened to that clip she had sent me like 20 times skgjdlgjdkgl (again... Fake)

then a little while later also in 2017 i heard Mic Drop and i was like okay..??? OKAY....... they have bangers?? absolute tunes out here??? but throughout this whole time the only other thing about them i had ever really seen was how feral their fans were and so i was Very scared and intimidated lmao but i would secretly listen to Mic Drop regularly... and from then on for a few years i would keep up with them (casually, normally, very much in a completely uninterested way obvs 👀) when they would perform on american shows (like when they did Mic Drop on jimmy kimmel in 2017, a couple years where they performed on some of those new years eve shows) and i thought they were SO talented especially in their dancing and everything but again.. kept at arms length...

anyway from there i would just randomly obsessively watch their mic drop music video and then move on (read: me last year) so i was just dabbling here and there for YEARS.. and i think legit one of the only things that stopped me from going All In this whole time was an overall reluctance but also that i never really saw enough of them to latch onto a Fave?? and you know ya girl always needs a fave to obsess over lmao

so fast forward now to this year when Carpool Karaoke came out... and there was Tae in his floppy haired glory in the back corner of the vehicle doing  nothing but serving absolute face and looking fine as Fuck and i was like okay 👀👀 OKAY👀👀 so then I was Looking and Looking Hard

aaaannnndddd here we get to a couple months ago when I had just moved and was a week out from starting a new job so obvs my brain was like “U NEED A HYPERFIXATION RIGHT! NOW!” and so i sort of just randomly started looking up more of their performances and seeing how absolutely balls to the wall talented they are and then getting to know their personalities a bit more and stuff and then... i was In.... which also coincidentally coincided with my mutual kelly @fleetwoodcherry / @taespajamas getting into BTS and Tae specifically so i started seeing Him more and was IMMENSELY COMPELLED to say the least... and being the most susceptible bitch in the world to cute boys who dance and sing it was a true recipe for a Fixation and now here we are !

so yeah it’s legit been a years-long battle that i finally gave into.. oh how the TURNS HAVE TABLED... but anyway im here now and i sucked in a couple of my friends and im having a GREAT fucking time so much serotonin i am v grateful for them and a lil mad i didnt get into them earlier but u know what im here now and that’s what matters

anyway this was a literal novel thank u for asking ive been lowkey waiting to ~~tell my story and i had a great time fjgdfklg

[azoraahai]

hi hello, it’s your fav chaotic disaster here! since it is nearing the end of the decade/2019 here ( i know some of y’all are already enjoying the new year bc timezones lol ) but i just wanted to take the time and mention a few peeps that really kept me grounded this year. this is not a follow forever bc im lazy as fuck so pls enjoy this mess of me rambling lol!

even if you aren’t tagged, there are special mentions for each group im under so please read if you have the time! please note that each and every single one of you has made 2019 so much better cuz we all know it was hella rough so im very thankful for all of you!

this is hella long so everything will be under the cut :)

oc mutuals ⤵

my one and only :: @daisyjohvson my ride or die, my best friend, my beautiful sister, my other half. there are no words that could articulate how much you mean to me. you are my person and nothing could ever change that. i know we both have been busy this year, but im so glad we always do our best to chat no matter what time it is for us. you are my everything and i adore and love you so fucking much. i hope 2020 will finally be the year we meet after being friends for almost five years. i wish you the best of luck for the start of a new decade babe xx.

satanic bitches 2/3 :: @freakingbradleys @fleetwoodmcs god, it still blows my mind that my two idols talk to me on a daily. amanda, kayla, you guys have brought such a new perspective into my life and i cannot thank either of you enough for it. you guys are so encouraging, thoughtful, amazing, and supportive. i know i can tell you guys anything and you would be super honest with me and i cannot explain how much i appreciate that. thank you both for enduring the mess of 2019 with me.

my chaotic twin :: @emiliachrstine emilia, my love, it has been a pleasure talking with you via tumblr and snapchat facetime. you have brought so much laughter in my day while i was at college and i am 100% sincere when i say i needed those talks sO MUCH! you know some of the challenges i was facing so i just wanted to say thank you for being so fun to talk to and always listening to my endless ranting ( especially the cLASS SIX FELONY bit ). im so thankful we got closer this year and i love you so so so so soooo much bb!

the enabler buddy :: @moirei first of all, i cant believe how much we’ve been talking recently! i’ve always wanted to talk to you more and im highkey upset that it took me this long to reach out to you again, but anyways, as john mulaney would say, tHe PaSt Is ThE pAsT. thank you for letting me ask you sooooo many questions about sw, enabling me with all of these spur of the moment ideas, and for being such a wonderful friend! you are so kind, encouraging, and helpful! thank you so much for everything bb!

long lost sister :: @nellie--crain rachel, honey, you are a light in my life. anytime you message me, i already feel 100000x happier. you are like an older sister to me and i love you to the moon and back! i love all of your ocs and our xovers so much ( especially robeck bc otp ) and i hope we come up with more stuff in the near future! i hope 2020 graces you with so much happiness and joy, my love!!

some of my ride or dies :: @chlobenet @peterparcour @hopemikaelsvns @thetenthdoctorscompanion @drewtanner @princes-jasmine @aaudace @killinbills thank you all for being so amazing, talented, and wonderful! you all have played a significant part in my 2019 and i hope you all know that!! y’all are so awesome seriously xx

the rest of my oc mutuals :: thank you guys for sticking around as my hyperfixations constantly change once i find a new thing lol. i hope to chat with you all some more in 2020 and the years to come! please remember that each and every one of you is talented, creative, and beautiful! i wish you all the best of luck for this upcoming year and know that i love and appreciate every single one of you!!

giffing mutuals ⤵

the other half braincell :: @yelenabelovaa fleur, my darling, what an honor it is to be your wife! we got so close sO FAST and i cant imagine my life without you. you’re the jake to my tom, and if that doesn’t explain how chaotic we are then idk what does. thank you for being there right away when my dog died unexpectedly like i cannot tell you how much i appreciated you on the phone with me until someone irl was there to help me. thank you for always being so selfless, kind, and an incredible friend. i love you so much and let’s hope we get to meet in 2020!!!

goddess of parallels :: @andthwip the fact that you follow me is still absolutely mind blowing! also the fact that you tag me in your gifs is eVEN MORE mind blowing! i’ve admired your work for quite a while and let me just say, your ideas are unmatched!! you have such an eye for detail like no one can do what you do!! thank you so much for being a great mutual and i hope 2020 will be a wonderful start of the decade for you xx

the clown :: @robertpattisons okay dont hate me for putting the clown lol its just your icon and i had to im sorry lmao!! anyways, laiba, hi bb! you are such a talented gif maker and im so glad we became mutuals this year! thank you for being so nice, helpful, and a great friend!! i love you lots and have a great 2020!!!!

chaotic duo :: @colins-farrells sakshi, darling, idk if i ever mentioned this to you but you made me feel so comfortable with my blog. i looked up to you and your amazing chaotic posts and i just wanted to thank you for that! you truly are amazing and ily bunches xx i hope 2020 will be epic for you!!

some of my amazing giffing mutuals :: @lzzieolsn @luke-skywalker @ageofultron @brolinjosh @rosiebetzler @bitony you all are so fucking talented like seriously!!!! thank you all for following my trash can of a blog bc i have admired ALL of you from afar and im still in shock about it!! i hope 2020 blesses you all with happiness, success, and joy!!! i love and adore each and every one of you!!!

the rest of my giffing mutuals :: thank you all for being so fucking nice to me! i only began giffing regularly at the beginning of this year and i made SO many wonderful mutuals ( aka you guys ) because of it! you all have been so helpful and supportive of me and i am so fucking grateful for that!!! 2020 is a new year and the start of a new decade for us!! i wish all of you can enjoy this new beginning!!!

to all of my followers ⤵

hi hello! if you got this far down, congrats!!! i just wanted to say i fucking love you guys so damn much!! no matter what im doing, my current hyperfixation, the ENDLESS amount of shitposting, y’all willingly stick with me and i seriously can’t thank you enough! i know i say that so much, but it’s honestly 100% true! i’ve reached INCREDIBLE milestones because of all of you!! so seriously, thank you! 2020 is a fresh start so let’s make this year fucking amazing!!!

[forestwater87]

201X in Review: A journey of cringe and regrets

Realizing 2020 is really close and wanted to look back at the second (full) decade I’ve actually been alive for. I feel like either a huge amount of stuff has happened, or basically nothing’s happened, but there’s no middle ground.

2010: 

Cringy 2010 photo: High school prom (in middle, dark green dress and...a face)

Junior in high school. 

Had my first-ever Real Boyfriend(TM). (Pictured in above cringy photo.)

Had just ended an extremely toxic 12-year relationship and was still figuring out how to have friends. 

Chemistry fucking SUUUUUCKED and I don’t miss it.

Had a super intense love for Megamind. I saw it minimum of 4 times in theaters and had a major crush on that blue lil nerd. (Began a personal grudge against both Tangled and Despicable Me for taking away its deserved spotlight, a resentment I have not yet gotten past 10 years later.)

Most regrettable 2010 memory: Getting way too intense about a new boyfriend and lowkey abandoning my friends. Not cool.

Most awesome 2010 memory: I have friends from back then I still love and keep in touch with (despite my abandoning them for a bit there). That’s pretty dang awesome.

2011: 

Cringy 2011 photo: High school graduation with one of the most beautiful women in existence. (We’re still friends, and she’s still gorgeous.)

Graduated high school! (Gym fucking SUUUUUCKED and I don’t miss it.) 

Fell in love with the college that was supposed to be a “safety school” and didn’t apply anywhere else, which means I can brag about having been accepted into 100% of the colleges I applied to. 

Started at Ithaca College -- don’t say “it’s gorges,” it gets so old so fast -- and had a miserable first semester and an incredible second. 

Started getting . . . uncomfortably involved in religious groups. (I mean, I’d been doing that since I was a kid, but it got kicked up to 11 in college.)

Most regrettable 2011 memory: Dressed as a “g***y” for Halloween. Fucking yikes.

Most awesome 2011 memory: Figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.

2012: 

Cringy 2012 photo: Modeling first successfully completed knitting project. With bamboo needles because Ithaca is a hippie paradise.

Learned how to knit, entirely out of boredom in long lectures.

Technically started my tumblr experience, though it was only for a few months while I worked through some Shit by being in love with Loki from the Avengers (and THiddleston in general). Stayed on here just long enough to discover Achievement Hunter and Rooster Teeth, and never went back.

Broke up with first-ever Real Boyfriend(TM) and handled it so well I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder.

Got very deep in a religious group at IC, which was . . . not very healthy and could perhaps not inaccurately be described as “cultlike.” (I owe a major apology to everyone who knew me back then; I was very much a major bitch.)

Despite the previous two bullet points, this was the best year of my life up until that point. I lived next door to my two best friends in college, loved my major, and pretty much was confident that I had everything figured out.

Most regrettable 2012 memory: Writing a fan letter to Tom Hiddleston, which included a photo of me and my phone number. I was convinced my charm and wit would totally make him fall in love with me.

Most awesome 2012 memory: Pretty sure this is the year my love affair with RiffTrax began, too. I had a posse and we’d go see live shows together.

2013-2014:

Cringy 2013 photo: A blanket that I made and sent to Jennamarlbes for her dogs, because it was too small for people. Pretty sure it showed up in a video at one point.

Cringy 2014 photo: My awesome college roommates and I dressed up to give out candy to people’s dorms on Halloween. Reverse trick-or-treating: very fun, always recommended.

HA. So much for having anything figured out.

I don’t actually remember much of this period in my life, because I was navel-deep in a major religious crisis that would continue until . . . a couple months ago, basically? There was a lot of freaking out and trying to reconcile culty fundamentalism with the freewheeling pinko that lived deep inside and was trying to break free.

Lots of therapy, though. And med adjustments. Eventually figured out something that worked. Free campus counseling was the bomb though.

I do remember living in an apartment and cooking for myself for the first time, and also playing a lot of tabletop games with my roommates. (Also drinking. Lots of drinking.)

Oh shit, was this when I started that Drunk Librarian blog? I was trying really hard to be The Nostalgia Critic for books (ew), but I remember having a lot of fun with that. That was when my lifelong vendetta against John Green began.

Most regrettable 2013-2014 memory: Did I mention that the blanket I sent to Jenna included a letter? Did I mention that letter included some bible verses I thought she would appreciate????

Most awesome 2013-14 memory: Started a knitting club. It was just like 4 people hanging out and not knitting.

2015:

Cringy 2015 photo: Me being emaciated, makeup-smeared, and proudly showing off a collarbone piercing. That piercing has since rejected, but was in fact cute af.

Graduated college! Summa cum laude, bitches. (And an unfinished minor because I didn’t feel like taking the one (1) class I needed to graduate.)

Started library school and moved back home with parents. That was . . . an adjustment.

Changed library school “majors” halfway through my first year, after a lot of soul searching and panic attacks.

Had a short but catastrophic relationship with a man 9 years older than me (who was my pastor. Awkward). Religious crisis continued.

Got really skinny and hot because I was too miserable to eat. Dyed my hair red for the first time and looked basically like Ariel.

Discovered Party Hard and got really good at killing people.

Remembered how much I fucking love my parents’ dog:

Most regrettable 2015 memory: Being that person who “thought I could change him.”

Most awesome 2015 memory: Did you see how cute that dog is? His name is Oscar, after Oscar the Grouch.

2016:

Cringy 2016 photo: I had this huge thing for 1950s dresses for a while, complete with petticoats.

Grad school continued.

Religious crisis continued.

Therapy happens to deal with Things, is quickly dropped due to money and lack of shrink-chemistry.

Discovered a dumb little web cartoon with a teensy fanbase and no love for my favorite ship. Began work on a fanfic to correct this.

Finished a long-form fanfic for the first time in my entire life.

Virtually abandoned every other fandom to hyperfixate on this for the rest of my life.

Got super political, then super depressed. Quit Facebook because I realized I hate everyone I’m FB friends with.

Discovered Stardew Valley and never got anything done ever again.

Found Tumblr again (needed it to keep in touch with my first-ever beta reader, @raenbowsofficial) and turned into fandom and politics trash.

Most regrettable 2016 memory: Man, was I cocky about that Hillary Clinton winning the election. Oops.

Most awesome 2016 memory: I mean, CAMP CAMP. Obviously.

2017: 

Cringy 2017 photo: My first day of work as a very bisexual-in-denial librarian.

Finished grad school and became a certified librarian (in NYS anyway)!

Got a job at a local college, including my own office!

Shaved half my head!

Moved into my own apartment and adopted a cat, fulfilling a goal over 7 years in the making!

Became friends with two of the most important people I’ve ever met. Visited one of them on a semi-impromptu 9-hour drive to Virginia and met IRL for the first time. First ever all-night solo trip, one of the best days of my life.

This might’ve been the year I got the VFD eye tattooed on my ankle, though I can’t swear to that.

Was part of my first long-form tabletop RPG with friends from college (and friends-of-friends). Was very emotional and also quite gay.

Rediscovered Megamind thanks to excellent fanfiction. That shit is still great.

Currently the best year I’ve ever had. 

Most regrettable 2017 memory: I should’ve attended my graduation from library school instead of deciding it didn’t matter. It mattered a lot.

Most awesome 2017 memory: Seeing the-artist-formerly-known-as-ciphernetics in person.

2018:

Cringy 2018 photo: Um, apparently we don’t get one, because there’s an image limit to these posts. Lame.

Was laid off and took 6 months to find another full-time job. Spent most of that time depression-napping.

Said full-time job lasted 4 months before I ran like my shoes were on fire, because it was morally . . . suspicious and left me borderline suicidal.

Got very fat because I was too miserable to stop eating.

Had to cut my hair so I would look “professional.” Looked like my ex-boyfriend. My mom said I “looked like a Trump supporter.” To-date the meanest thing anyone’s ever said to me.

Moved back in with my parents due to not-having-job-ness (got to bring the cat, though).

Lost parents’ health insurance and had to pay for my own. Discovered health insurance is ridiculously expensive.

Became super left-leaning thanks to the power of Tumblr and Youtube (and possibly that super expensive health insurance thing). 

Writing came to a virtual standstill, though I managed to organize and actually finish participating in all of Gwenvid Week (for the first time).

Two weeks after quitting the job from hell and three weeks after moving back in with the parents, I was offered my old position back. Accepted. Was once again a college librarian.

Most regrettable 2018 memory: Knowing I didn’t want the nightmare job and accepting it anyway. Might’ve been the only choice, but it caused a lot of unhappiness.

Most awesome 2018 memory: The day I was laid off, I hopped on a plane and went to fucking Disney World. Because why not?

2019:

Started work again. Finally (mostly) stopped having panic attacks about being fired/laid off out of the middle of nowhere around 8 months into new job.

Fewer paper cuts than expected.

Accidentally became associated with dinosaurs at work, despite not having any sort of special affinity for dinosaurs.

Did develop a deep and abiding affinity for octopus. Also elephants.

Took cat to doctor. Cat didn’t enjoy doctor. Cat is now 8 lbs. and 14 oz. She is big girl.

Rediscovered the joy of reading again. Newly discovered that mysteries actually can be pretty awesome, and read barely anything else all year. (Personal recommendations: The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton and Waisted by Randy Susan Meyers.)

So. Many. Youtube. Video. Essays.

Discovered Stardew Valley mods and eventually broke 3k hours of playtime. 

Napped frequently. Panicked less frequently. It’s a step in the right direction.

Most regrettable 2019 memory: This post sure is long and over-share-y, isn’t it? Didn’t even include a cut so you could more easily scroll past my face. Inconsiderate, is what that is.

Most awesome 2019 memory: This one is pretty good. Right now.

2020: 

??? 

Profit.

[hihoneyimdead]

Storytime because I’m procrastinating writing fic yet again!

Under the read-more because this is kinda more rambling about toxic internet bullshit (sorry if you’re on mobile or whatever)

So I only got into po/yg0n in April of last year because a then-friend told me, hey, these two dudes are in a relationship!

And I was like :0 and immediately latched on

Cue like two days of watching gng and realizing, wait, no

Huh

Wait a minute

This ain’t. The hell?

So I was like “Hey what the fuck Jimothy”

And Jimothy was like “Oh yeah I meant sarcastically man”

And my autism-having ass was like “Ah so I was a dumbass!”

And Jimothy was like “Yeah man but imagine-”

And so I got roped into writing fic. At first I was like yeah sure. Then, later on, I was like. Wait a damn minute-

Meanwhile, I got detached from previous internet friends, as is what happens with hyperfixations. So I haven’t spoken to any of them in like a year, which sucks, but that’s whatever. And these new fandom friends were like. Very sex-driven, which is fine if you’re like that! I may be ace, but I’m not an ass. 

Until they got into Gross Shit. Which is about when I met a new internet friend, who scared the ever-loving shit out of me. They’re a punk, told me I couldn’t be punk. Even though punk, tbh, just means that you’re badass as hell. And I’m badass despite not listening to punk bands and looking absolutely terrifying. I’m soft. I’m a soft punk. I protest via emails to senators and by not burning down fucking buildings (and that shit’s fine if it’s very much deserved.)

Their friend group terrified me, but this person gave me praise for a fic I got roped into writing. Which is 50k and is not good at all and the only reason I haven’t taken it off my ao3 yet is cause I’m still somehow proud of it. So I was like. Bffs. 

So I dumped that original friend and joined up with this new group (we were drifting apart anyway). Meanwhile, those sexual bros of mine were getting gross and tearing me apart for saying that porn should be in its own place and not in the general public. Which, admittedly, was kinda a dick move on my part. I didn’t consider their side of the situation at the time. But that punk friend and their friends backed me up and told me I did nothing wrong.

So I then lost the friends I had made during that fandom phase. 

But I still had the punk friends! Which, admittedly, were punk friend, punk friend’s friend, and a friend who I’m still on good terms with. I was fucking miserable. Like, there had gone most of my friends for half a fucking year and almost my entire support network. 

And then, slowly, I dropped the fandom. The content wasn’t exciting and it just brought up bad memories. I stopped writing for it, thankfully, because like. That stuff can be toxic. 

So I was adrift for a good moment, depressed, and then that one new friend told me to listen to a certain british horror podcast, and I realized. Huh. I fucking love podcasts, and especially this one. 

Y’all know this podcast by now, it’s certainly blown up enough, and it’s badass as hell and I will never shut up about it.

After finishing that podcast, I started another, and then I deleted my po/yg0n blog and my old r0o$ter t33tH one and my old bfu one. And then tumblr brought up that weird groupchat thing and I joined the first tma one I found and met a whole new group of friends!

So I dumped punk friend and punk friend’s friend, got vagueposted about (yeah, I’m a fucking hypocrite, I did it to them too). Blocked punk friend on everything, left the discord servers I was too scared to leave, and finally stopped seeing everything so negatively, just for a while. 

I haven’t been in healthy online friendships in, like, ever. I joined too young. 2018, the sp7 friends I had all dumped me for something toxic someone else did. 2019, I dumped an rp friend, then I dumped the other rp friend (who was my only friend for a good bit). I dumped an entire fandom that used to bring me joy (tbh i couldn’t even watch pat streams by the end and anyone who’s been following me for a while really knows i have an undying internet crush on that man despite him being like human ginger beer). 

And then I made new friends, and, yeah, it’s fucking hard sometimes. I feel bad about dumping a lot of relationships since April because punk friend told me they were toxic even though, looking back on it, they were just fine! They were toxic to that person, not to me and my friends/so (to my ex: i’m sorry, if you see this, which you won’t, but i’m so sorry and i’m glad you’re having a good time at college). But I have new friends! I have great rl friends, I’m in a motw campaign with some of these new internet friends, and I can be creative again! I have so many ocs now! Someone, if you see this, ask about my tma avatar-sonas! They’re all great and I love them!

This is all to say:

I’m procrastinating writing fluff for a podcast fandom, I’m planning on deleting my po/yg0n fics off ao3 (or orphaning them), I’m kinda happy for the first time in a while. Sure I got a bit of an eating disorder last semester, but I’m in counseling. I have an original novel concept I’m slowly working on. I’m in two tabletop games, and I’m loving it! Punk friend and punk friend’s friends, if you see this and are like >:( stop vagueing our friend/me!

Well

Sorry my dudes, stop being fucking buzzkills and let me be a soft bitch that cries over the mechs and gets sad when anyone thinks about being mean to me

Also live your lives and stop being petty

[wigglepiggle]

if you see honeycomb answer the same infodump its cuz I want more ppl to know of this bitch (also I forgot to hand honeycomb the image of Charlie-)

SO, to start things off Charlie is a fandom oc for the fnaf fangame Dayshift at Freddy's (specifically a dsaf 3 oc for au reasons) but theres a lot more to him then that- right now Imma b honest his backstory is the more fleshed out thing then his current story cuz despite my dsaf hyperfixation (which is sorta kinda dying out) I was never rlly able to get thru watching a dsaf 3 playthrough so lemmie just graaaaaab the backstory and slap it here (no I'm not I'm tying it out cuz I only gave a tiny bit of it to Lem-)

so Charlie was born & raised in a small town in Colorado with a childhood that wasnt too odd but wasnt great either, he was bullied a lot for being feminine and his parents tried to steer him towards more stereotypically masculine activities & interests but it took several years before it ever really affected him, another issue was Charlie had undiagnosed ADHD & pretty bad mood swings which affected him quite alot and led to his parents usually being angry at him for things he didnt understand he was doing but he was usually resiliant even if he was secretly close to breaking down he just tried to ignore it & move on.

Later on in his life he became super into old-school radio and tv show hosts who had that whole vibe yk? I dunno how to word it so Imma assume you know- but anyways he got super into the persona those radio and show hosts had and started to imitate them almost down to a T and was almost perfectly able to mimic the typical voice they had in his late teens which he used to help further him in his plan to become a host for a simple entertainment show and yknow what? He did manage to get a spot hosting a show on a very local tv channel for about a year but sadly his twist on the classic tv host personality made people not want to watch his show because he acted "too feminine" and slowly ratings dropped until they had to cancel the show and his dreams were essentially ruined because he's quite stubborn and therefore wont (and probably cant) change his personality much just to be more 'palatable' to people since it'll make him seem fake anyways

[ spoilered bit contains death mention ] after that he spent around 3 years hopping from basic job to basic job usually getting fired for some dumb reason or another (cuz his personality was very 'weird' to those around him also this was like the late 70s early 80s they knew he was gay & they wanted him out) but then he found a job at the local resturant ||and yada yada died ngl his story when it starts to properly connect with the dsaf series starts to bore me out but also kind of didnt die at the same time? He ended up in an undead state and since he was still alive|| he was bound to the company forever so he basically got moved around from location to location until the resturant chain crumbled to the ground

then Jack rebooted the resturant chain by opening a new resturant & Charlie got hired as an employee because what else could he really do in his life? Not much- but anyways now he's currently working there and uh lemmie just graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaab some bullshit again & explain his relationship with his friend/crush or bf (depends on the au) Rowan

Rowan was already working at the place before Charlie got hired since Rowan was the 2nd one hired just after the phone guy and one day Charlie tried to strike up some conversation while they were on break which didnt go to well because Charlie's a bit bad at socializing but Rowan saw the effort and later on tried to chat with Charlie which did end up going well and gradually they started to sometimes have conversations while doing misc work stuff & soon they became friends

Charlie was slightly clingy but thankfully respected Rowan's boundries because Charlie had been desperate for an actual friend for years and didnt wanna fuck this chance up so gradually they grew closer and [boom time to au split motherfuckers]

Rack/Rowan x Jack au: Rowan knew Charlie was one of those "single but in a way where he has good relationship advice cuz of that" people & tried to bring up the fact he was catching feelings for someone, Charlie was slightly saddened because he developed a crush on Rowan but he was willing to give advice even if it was slightly obvious this hurt him and Rowan admitted he had a crush on Jack (I am too tired to explain Jack if ykyk if you dont then insert roblox oof sound here) and Charlie gave as much advice as he could because he could handle the fact Rowan didnt like him well enough where it didnt crush him and when Rowan & Jack started dating Charlie was supportive & the crush died down enough where Charlie didnt really care

CottonCandy/Rowan x Charlie au: Charlie slowly developed a crush on Rowan during their friendship and tried to keep it secret & push the thought down until it got too bad & Charlie had to confess sometime soon, that sometime came on a random night when Charlie was being a simping insomniac & had a really big urge to text (oh yeah surprise we're in 2023 timeline wise now) Rowan confessing that he loved them, thankfully Charlie's common sense dulled that down to pulling a "I think I like someone, have any advice?" text then hinting it's Rowan from there which he then proceeded to do, ngl the text was probably basic asf & Rowan sort of got the hint but he denied it at the same time until a week later after their day at work Charlie & Rowan decided to hang out at a local park & Charlie decided to confess to Rowan, Rowan was slightly surprised but also was thinking about the hints from earlier that week and even smaller hints from the past month or so and said he had to take a while to think about it, Charlie tried to remain calm and accepted the fact as best as he could because he thought he was being rejected but a couple days later Rowan texted Charlie saying to come to his place after work & after a few hours of hanging out Rowan said he liked Charlie back too

extra dumb tidbits:

gay gay homosexual gay (& probably graysexual)

keeps that piece of metal in his eye cuz it hurt too much to remove & it looks cool

intentionally has a feminine vibe to him cuz he embraces it nowadays

usually pretends to be a girl in public because his face looks naturally feminine & he doesnt feel like being harassed by assholes

usually kicks his legs out without paying attention..sadly he's kind of good at kicking & has accidentally hurt ppl doing this before Image:

I have not seen anything related to dsaf in awhile but I love him!!!! Thank you for sharing him with me!!!!

[stonedopossums]

Idk why but this just randomly popped into my head so here have a mini rant thats kind of tied to the one I posted Friday night

Just kidding its fully tied to the one I posted Friday night

At breakfast this morning when I was all excited and stuff to show my friends my new wallpapers and I said that my home screen was Hamilton, she went "oh my GOD people still care about that?" in a really condescending tone? Yeah there was no fucking need for that. When she talks about Sonic I don't go "oh my god people still care about Sonic?" like fuck you thats a rude thing to say to someone when they're showing you something they like. This is literally why I lose my hyperfixations so quickly. I'll really be into something and then someone will be rude to me about liking it and then I force myself to not like it anymore even tho I still really do just so that they won't be rude to me for liking it

So fuck you I still like Hamilton and I'm going to keep liking it fuck you for making me feel bad

And fuck you for being such a shitty, horrible, fake friend

I don't know what made me think of this and I know I shouldn't be salty about it but >:(

Edit: And how when I said that I've been able to go to the movie all the other times when I had bad grades and you said "fuck off don't talk to me then" like what the fuck was that about? You don't need to blow up on me? Fuck you. Just because your relationship with your siblings isn't that great doesn't mean you can act like a 7 year old all the time, and treat people the way you do. j tries to be nice to you but no matter what you're always an asshole and you whisper on how he should stop breathing/stop existing lile are you fucking kidding me? How much of a bitch do you have to be? There are people I hate more than anything but I don't say that they should stop breathing, or that the world would be way better off without them. Like wow talk about being immature as fuck.

But anyways, I'm done ranting about you. And I'm done with you. I'll go talk to a good friend of mine tomorrow who can help me get this all sorted out.