#its insane how disgusted i STILL get even just HEARING it b/c my abuser had long hair and used it constantly in ugly ways to annoy me

[lovedlovingly]

.

[galaxywhump]

Never Alone

[Masterlist]

Timeline: set after Thorns

cw: discussion of death - murder and suicide, slavery whump, forced relationship, creepy/intimate and possessive whumper, noncon touching and kissing, swearing, alcohol, referenced alcohol abuse, gaslighting, begging, brainwashing, conditioning, hand gagging, creepy comfort, hopelessness, food mention.

~~~

On SV-240 even waking up has become a statement of I don’t want this, I don’t want to be here, I’m going to get out of here, a fight to keep the heart and mind free of the pleasant feelings of waking up well-rested. 

Above all, Wren dreads the day when he wakes up happy.

Today is, to his relief, far from that day.

He groans and squeezes his eyes shut when light explodes under his eyelids, and his ears ring from the slightest movement when he curls up further and hides his head between his shoulders.

“Sweetheart?”

“Fuuuck, leave me alone”, he mumbles, Daniel’s voice grating on his ears even more than usual.

“Hangover, huh?”

“Take a wild fucking guess.”

“Told you”, Daniel says in a playfully scolding manner, taking away all the weight of what had happened the day before.

“Please?”

He needs it. Just once he wants to ruin himself, drink until all he feels is the burn of alcohol and he wakes up the next day in the familiar pain of a hangover. Just once he wants to regain the worst part of himself.

So he begs.

“But we’ve taken such good care of your problem, sweetheart. Do you really want to ruin it now?”

“N-not ruin.” You never let me drink anyway, asshole, let alone too much. “Just this one time. Please, I… I need some more. Just tonight.”

“You’re going to regret it tomorrow”, and Wren’s first thought is torture, punishment for daring to ask for something that ridiculous, and he finds himself thinking that more alcohol would still be worth it.

“I know.”

And then, for once, Daniel agrees - unusual, Wren notes bitterly, given that the request wasn’t benefitting him in any way.

“Do you want to get up?”

“No.”

He just wants to stay here, sleep the day away like he would on Earth, alone - even though he knows that the last part is impossible. The first two alone would still be nice, though.

Daniel lays one hand on Wren’s shoulder, and this time he succeeds at opening his eyes to look at him, immediately paying the price of a sharp pain flashing through his head before giving way to dull throbbing.

“See, this is exactly what I wanted to avoid”, Daniel sighs, moving his hand up and down Wren’s arm. “Now you’re out for half a day at least.”

“It’s not like I had any plans anyway”, Wren mutters, averting his gaze.

“That doesn’t mean you should sabotage yourself like that, sweetheart.”

“What, are you playing my therapist now? Leave me alone.”

Daniel sighs again - it’s a heavy sigh that makes Wren’s blood boil, worried, as if Daniel cared about anything and anyone other than himself.

“I’ll bring you breakfast. And water. It should help a bit.”

Wren nods and follows Daniel with his gaze as he gets up from the bed and leaves the room; once he’s alone he fixes his gaze on the wall, trying to fight down thoughts that fill him with unease.

It’s more than he’s even gotten. On Earth he was always alone, left to deal with hangovers on his own. There was never anyone to take care of him, or even just call to check on him, to care.

He just wishes it was anyone but Daniel being kind to him, being by his side, kissing him, waking up before him and bringing him breakfast, saying the three words he’s not sure he even remembers ever hearing before.

He just wishes he had any point of reference. Anyone to have given him all the firsts.

Maybe that was the point, one of the factors that made his price so high. He was a blank canvas with insecurities and issues for Daniel to take advantage of. He had made himself that way, an easy target, not missed by anyone-

Stop. It doesn’t matter.

My name is Wren Rackham. I was kidnapped. I’ve been here for… over a year. I’m still fighting. I’m not broken.

And I’m never going to be.

Daniel comes back, carrying a tray - and Wren can’t help but wonder if it’s the exact same one he once was made to hold up - careful not to drop it, giving Wren a gentle smile that he doesn’t return.

Sitting up makes every muscle in his body protest - he hasn’t had a hangover that bad in years; he supposes that was to be expected after forcible quitting.

“There you go. Need anything else?”

“Yes, I need you to leave me alone.”

Daniel raises his eyebrows as he hands Wren the tray, and shakes his head.

“No need to be so rude, you know. But I’ll blame it on the hangover, and we can move on, alright?”

Wren glares at him briefly, and doesn’t comment further when Daniel sits down on the bed instead of leaving. Doesn’t matter. He’s through despairing every time his requests go unheard… or at least when those requests are this minor.

Being left alone isn’t minor. I’m just giving it up.

Doesn’t. Matter.

Once he’s done with eating, now taking his time drinking the water he was given, reveling in the feeling of no longer being completely parched, Daniel moves closer to him, and there’s touch, as always, a hand on his shoulder, the other brushing his hair away from his forehead, and it’s yet another thing Wren should be disgusted by but isn’t. It’s too frequent for him to care every single time. 

Brainwashing. It’s brainwashing. I should fight it.

“Feeling better, sweetheart?”

He gives a tentative nod in response, focusing on the thoughts, trying to rationalize with them.

I know it’s brainwashing. And as long as I know that… I should be okay. I’m fighting. And that’s what matters.

“I just want you to know that I’m always here”, Daniel says, and Wren shivers, hoping that that will be blamed on the hangover too. “Whenever you have a bad day, like today. I’m here to make it better.”

“You’re failing”, Wren mutters, and Daniel laughs, hiding his face in Wren’s neck, sending another shiver of disgust and fear radiating from the spot, which only gets stronger when Daniel wraps one arm around him, and, just like so many times before, he’s trapped by the casual contact. He flinches away from the touch, but the hold just gets tighter, keeping him in place with a silent threat even when Daniel laughs again.

“You’re hilarious, sweetheart.” 

A moment of silence, stillness, interrupted only by the clink of the glass as Wren sets it on the nightstand and crosses his arms, staring straight ahead. 

“But I’ve been thinking…”, Daniel starts again, amusement fading from his voice, and Wren uses a tiny opening to snark:

“Tragic.”

That doesn’t get a laugh. Daniel exhales into his neck before pulling back, to plant a brief kiss on Wren’s cheek.

“We have so many years together ahead of us”, he whispers, and Wren’s heart pounds with enough force to cause pain, “but… I’ve been thinking about the day when I can’t take care of you anymore. When I’m too old, too weak.”

He’s been thinking about that day too - the day when, if everything else had failed, if escape had proven impossible and all he can do is wait, he finally gains the upper hand.

It’s been at the back of his mind for a while now. Not plan B nor C, closer to plan Z, really, but it has been a small source of hope nonetheless, and - which he now realizes was a mistake - he believed that Daniel wasn’t thinking that far ahead.

“I’m trying not to think about it. What matters is the here and now.” Wren flinches under another kiss. “But I don’t want you to be on your own when I’m gone. I don’t want you to be left all alone on this planet, sweetheart.”

Wren closes his eyes and swallows heavily, his heart knocking against his ribs, its beating echoing in his hungover mind, his entire body frozen in horror and anticipation, it’s too much, too much, he wants to be alone today, he wants to be alone in all those years.

“So when that day comes”, the words finally come, one after another seeping into Wren’s ears, fueling his panic, and his breath hitches when Daniel’s fingers, feather-light, brush over his neck. “I’ll make it quick.”

The words click, the world stops, and Wren is falling.

“Painless”, Daniel continues, his every word careful, solemn. “And then, sweetheart, when you’re gone - and only when I’m sure you are - I’ll join you.”

“No.” Wren’s voice is choked, bordering on a sob, the word carrying all that’s tearing him apart, and Daniel pulls him closer, brushing through his hair with his fingers in a crude caricature of comfort.

“Shh. No need to be scared. It will take years before we’ll have to do it, so try not to worry about it, okay?”

“You’re- you’re fucking insane-”

Daniel covers Wren’s mouth with his hand, muffling his words which turn into a whimper, despair taking over the weak attempt at a snark.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. I know it’s unexpected, but you’ll get used to that thought eventually, I promise.”

And Wren closes his eyes and sobs, overwhelmed, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, I’m going to escape long before that, but no matter how hard he tries, he can’t argue, can’t rationalize the two nightmarish thoughts.

That of spending decades upon decades more in this hell - and that of never, ever escaping it, bound to Daniel until death.

Having his life taken from him once again, this time in the most literal sense.

 Next

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