#it just sucks that its a trauma trigger for me so badly

[lovedlovingly]

.

[antrunner]

From the few things of Hal I've seen he's pretty boring but all of this is making me consider actually reading Hal because surely the Tumblr girlies (gender neutral) aren't wrong

no no because youre right! surface level he is in a certain way. because he's written really... badly. a lot of the time.

macho-man ladies man pilot/military guy with no interests. kind of an asshole. only cares about willpower. fearless. etc etc. he's written to be Hero. and that's all. and that SUCKS.

when you read deeper into hal and his comics, and even bleeding into other GL comics with guy or john or kyle, his personality grows and fluctuates. he's SILLY. he has a silly sense of humor and loves small creatures (Itty Bitty and Trigger). he has a very small group of friends including his GL buddies, Ollie, Barry, Carol and Tom. he has a weird dynamic with his family... being raised as a middle child and abused, so he hardly ever really talks to them (this has changed in recent comics). he's also a giant sweetheart when it comes to kids or cute animals or other nice people.

i could go on and on but my point here is that youre not wrong for thinking that! its just the curse of poor writing. once you get past that he kinda... morphs. especially when you look deeper into his time as parallax and the spectre and the trauma and growth that came with all of that! highly recommend earlier comics before you read all of that though so you can understand whats actually going on :D

[mintedwitcher]

I think it should be clear that anyone who thought that Buck wasn't wrong to cheat on Taylor is a weirdo, but I don't think it's comparable to what Eddie is doing. They both suck for it plain and simple but Buck was twisted about it and he was DRUNK, not an excuse but really put into perspective. Eddie is actively hurting those both women, sober, by choice, he's acting as if his trauma justify traumatising them or at least everyone is acting like it's okay because of it.

My issue with Eddie's cheating is that everyone are actively cheering for it for the fact that they want queer Eddie (or they hate Marisol). Being queer doesn't excuse you cheating and hurting people, it's not "se×y" of him or "cvnty" or whatever people keep saying. I think that some are getting way too wrapped up in their hc or their desire for the ship that they are willing to overlook everything so long as they get it. It was bad to suggest that Buck and Eddie should cheat on the bachelor's party and it's bad to act like Eddie isn't acting a fool now.

100% I agree with you.

Cheating isn't acceptable under any circumstance, but yeah Buck dealt with his guilt about it (badly at first but he did it). Meanwhile Eddie's doing this of his own free will, and doing far more than Buck did.

I do think his trauma plays a heavy role in his cheating, but like you said, it's not a justification. Eddie has a pattern in the show of dealing with his trauma in unhealthy ways, even when he's supposedly healing, and this is just another repeat of that. It does make me worry about how bad the fallout is going to be, especially since Ryan has said that Eddie is going to be "isolated" by the end of the season.

As for queer Eddie.... that coffin already had its last nail put in with the PR about this arc. They're not doing a queer Eddie storyline, and that is for the best. Especially since, if they did, it would mean that every cheater on the show is canonically queer, which is an uncomfortable and cruel stereotype that I'm really Not okay with.

Its easy to hate Marisol based on her actress being an outright bigot, but as for the character, there's just... nothing there to hate. She's a blank slate. She's there to reflect back on Eddie and be Eddie's girlfriend, to trigger his Catholic guilt, and that's... pretty much it. There's no substance to her at all. And still, that isn't a justification for Eddie to cheat.

I've said before in a long post that I want this arc to culminate in Eddie being single on a long term basis, back in therapy, and actually facing his trauma and grief over Shannon. To me, that is the ONLY way Eddie's story can move forward in a meaningful way. And I hope they do that. There is nothing more snooze-worthy than a storyline that keeps repeating itself. They're breaking Buck's cycle, it's time they broke Eddie's too.

Anyway. This got long lol. Fandom stop being Weird about cheating arcs challenge.

[csa-survivor-confessions]

(?)

Hi, anon who recently posted the ask starting with "Warning: long. If replying is too exhausting, feel free to ignore this <3 I understand it dw" (tw for graphic imagery & danger I guess?)

I've been tracking my dreams more closely and the nightmares have actually not gotten better at all lmao. I've dreamt sth SA related like 3 times this month already. So that sucks. I thought I was improving at least a bit. It's been over three years now, I'm so tired and angry and I want to scream my lungs out until they're splattered on the pavement.

I witnesses two guys fighting at my bus stop and it scared me so badly I almost tripped onto the street (and into my upcoming bus so that wouldn't have been great for me) and it's like whatever but I wish I could just handle things. Everything's exhausting and I can't even bring myself to eat a vegetable I've had for two weeks because that would mean going into the kitchen (other people/strangers) and cutting/ washing the vegetable (feels too exhausting.)

At least watching my fave show makes me ecstatic,,

I hope your days have been better<3

hello,

Tracking your dreams might not be helping. It's not necessary to record them in any detail. If you want to track triggers that's a perfectly good thing to do, but you might not need to be so focused on the content of the nightmares.

It makes perfect sense that you are hurting. Dealing with trauma can be very hard. And it's reasonable that it hasn't gotten better on its own. Sadly for a lot of people, it doesn't get better without some attention spent on letting your brain and nervous system heal and relieve a lot of traumatic stress.

It sounds like you are stuck in a hypaoroused state, meaning your body is stuck without your nervous system activating. it makes people feel like there is no energy and makes doing anything hard. This can be related to freeze & shutdown trauma response. it's a common place for people with trauma to go through.

Practising some coping skills can always be helpful. Whether we are in a hyperarousal state or hypoarousaed state breathing can be really helpful. When our nervous system is more regulated we have more calming energy.

One Example

2-to-1 Breathing: This is a practice that helps give us a path to regularity and best engaging the parasympathetic system. It also requires a powerful redirect of focous to our breathing and the way that it feels. Knowing how proper breathing feels is good to know when we have started to become dysregulated. This is generally hard to do during flashbacks or mid panic attack, most effective before or after the most extreme point. Remember diaphragmatic breaths, and try to either sit or stand as straight as possible! Steps: Count the duration of both exhalation and inhalation as you breathe normally and adjust it gently so you are exhaling and inhaling for the same amount of time. Most people are comfortable with a count of 3 or 4 counts for each exhalation and inhalation. So one full breath lasts for a count of either 6 or 8. So you are breathing in 4 and exhaling 4 counts. Now, without altering the duration of the total breath cycle, adjust your breathing by slowing the exhalation and gently quickening the inhalation to achieve a 2-to-1 ratio. For a breath lasting 6 counts, this means exhaling for 4 and inhaling for 2. For 8 you can adjust slightly exhaling for 6 and inhaling for 3.

[more breathing and grounding skills: Coping Skills Masterposts: Panic Attacks, Flashbacks & Dissociation]

Stimming toys might also be useful in both situations. You can try some out and see if different ones work at different times. When you are overwhelmed and want to scream or energy is missing.

Examples:

Calming rocks/crystals

Cats cradle

Chewy necklaces

Fidget Spinner, fidget cubes, twirling loops

Rings that have a bit to spin around

Sensory brushes.

Stress balls/Koosh balls/Massage balls

Tangles

Thinking putty or silly putty

Velcro

Weighted Compression Vests

Like in a situation with the bus, you could maybe have something that you practice using to help with not feeling as out of the body and cause issues like losing balance.

[more about this here: Coping Skills: Sensory Aids]

You might be able to keep some food in your room. They would have to be shelf stable but things like trail mix, pre-poped popcorn, dried fruit, chips, nuts, granola and other things.

Getting some bagged salad could be fine. Theoretically, you could eat it out of the bag. but overall it is veggies that won't require cutting anything or washing them.

Practising slow movements like stretching and walking can be good. I know it's the last thing you want to do when your body is stuck in a low-energy place in your body.

You could also try moving some with the show that is making you happy. If it's getting some energy up in your body you could stretch while you watch. It is deeply helpful for your body to not be stuck in that freeze & shutdown state.

There is nothing wrong with you and you haven't done anything bad. you can get through this, it's okay to be unhappy and hurting from trauma. You're surviving and you will get to living.

Be Blessed,

-Admin 2

[waluijoe]

friendships are too difficult. only got like three of them left and yet, it's a hassle. one of them is "ill hit u up whenever it benefits me and my time", okay, clear. another one is new and fun and we vibe very well but alas her sleeping schedule is so messy & we're both so chaotic that we can only do things together when she deems it so/makes it. but she shows me kindness i'd forgotten existed lmao like asking "how are you" or saying crazy shit like "i could've just helped you with that you know ?" (insane.) (pple like this exist ? fr)

third one is me being a therapist friend to a Very depressed person who doesn't listen to my advice and queries for them to see a therapist/psychiatrist, dumps their trauma/bad days/self hate on me and repeats them to anyone who will listen like my words & presence don't even matter at all, cuts me off often when i try to talk, ignores my words when that i try to bring up whats going on in my head, and constantly reminds me they have "no friends at all, no one" even though ive been here FOR YEARS adapting the way we work to make it fit and make it better, or to listen, or to laugh. and also yells/is a shit at their dog which triggers me and which i cannot escape if i wanna spend time with them. a beautiful combo. and of course i love them, and they're nice to me, and sometimes they tell me they appreciate me and i know they must mean it. but,,, like... its a lotttt idk how to act.

man all the people i've ever had as friends Hated themselves, or were su£cidal, or were heavily depressed/anxious. and me too like, i get the struggle so badly. but most of these people don't care to deal with me or my mental health at all, they don't ask how i've been, what i enjoy, what i do, & they share a lot of their heavy stuff with me all the time without asking, and they don't care that much to share other things&moments with me that much except to not be alone. and like. i'm a mess, and i'm not very healthy, and i'm pathetic most days, sure, but also i do deserve to be appreciated and known. and i want to appreciate and love my friends too. and i want to create stuff together, to lift each other up, or to try methods together and build something if we can. and i fled my family exactly due to being the therapist child, so having the exact same trauma responses/fleeing attitude/anxiety as i did with them now into my closest friendship fkcing Sucks ass. and i knooow its scary to go see a therapist, but like.. you have the mOney. you have the time. you have the ressources, and if you dont, i'll help youuuu. so just do yourself a favor right,,, i was the exact same of course i get it.

people really hate themselves sm that they go on to punish themselves from any type of help or break in the cycle like. pleaseeee listen to me, please do it for the tiny friend in your pocket or you from the future. fucking Call me to meditate until it works, i don't knooow, but coming in with the heavy heavy shit, and being like "no i cant do this with you right now" and LEAVING like im not a person with worry and feelings like heyyoooo you dumb bitch people love you actually don't be like that. be responsible !!! text me a "yo, doing better, watching tv, didnt off myself" idk we can be casual abt this right just be civil don't treat me like a dirty dog i swear

[islandofthemisfittoy]

I tried telling this to my friends, but no one seemed to care.

Tw: Suicidal thoughts, substance abuse

I feel like I’m going crazy. I have these intense mood swings that come with no warning. I’ll be happily sitting and laughing with my friends one second, and the during the same second it’ll switch and I’ll just want to die. All I can think of is how much my friends suck, how they all want to hurt me, how I’m just a pawn in their malicious games, but then it’ll change again and I’ll just be sad. Sad that I don’t have the kind of bonds they seem to have, sad that I thought so badly about them, because I know it wasn’t true. And then I’ll be sad for absolutely no fucking reason. And then it switches… again, and I’ll be happy again. Laughing and joking with my friends, until I can’t remember what just happened. Everything is foggy, and most of all my own actions. It’s like I’ve had a bit too much alcohol, but in that moment I’m perfectly sober. Whenever I try to remember I see everything from an outside perspective, my friends are all sitting there, but my body is just sitting perfectly still, staring into thin air, and while I might not remember much, I know that’s not how it went down. Sometimes I regain the memories after a while, it can be hour, days, weeks, I don’t really know, but in the moment it’s enough to bring me back down. I’ll be sad and confused, and scared I did or said something stupid, and then the cycle just begins again.

Everything is unpredictable, every cycle is different, I don’t know what, if anything, triggers it, because most of the time I don’t see any triggers.

I tried bringing it up with my therapist, because I thought it might be BPD, but she said I didn’t have any of the basic traits for a personality disorder, and that it could probably just be explained with my autism diagnosis and childhood trauma, but I also feel like she’s not listening to me, because when she tells what i said back to me she’s got it all wrong, and i try to explain, but for some reason she just doesn’t get it.

On top of this I also keep seeing, hearing, and feeling things that aren’t there, and while my therapist said this is normal, I feel like I’m going crazy.

And there’s so much happening in my head all the time that I cant do anything. All these thoughts that don’t feel like mine, all these voices and images and it all just turns into a vacuum where there’s no room for the thought I want to have. I can’t concentrate on anything because it all just merges into this huge fog that fills my brain until I can’t hear or see anything. And again, when I said this to my therapist she said it was ASD, but I don’t think she understands the extent of which this is ruining my life, because I cant live like this, and the only time I get peace, the only time I don’t see shit, the only time my emotions are predictable is when I drink alcohol (which I do realise is kind of ironic) and I don’t want to have to rely on alcohol to feel safe in my own head, but if she wont understand, and if there’s nothing she can do I only have to options, because I can’t keep living like this. And I don’t want to turn to drugs, because my mom has been through enough shit, and I don’t wanna do that to her, but the other option is just so much worse.

I honestly just don’t know what to do, and every time my therapist tells me it’s all jut ASD and trauma, and every time i try talking to my friends and they all just react like its no big deal and carry on with their conversation I feel like I’m going more and more crazy, like maybe I’m the problem, like this is all just something I’m making up. But this has been here my whole fucking life, and I can’t take it anymore, it just feels like I’m constantly imploding on myself.

[synthetic-sonata]

me when i write two extremely large vent posts but feel ashamed at even the thought of posting them so i just fuck off and post it privately because i dont want to lose all the text but i dont want to post it publically

[tarotchariotpickyourcard]

PICK A CARD: Stargazing with the angels

Star gazing is love, star gazing is life.

Firstly, apologies for the late instalment. This is what was supposed to be last weeks reading, however I was too unwell to create it. So here we are early the next week (Don't worry - this weeks instalment is still due later.)

Today I would like to share with you an angel guidance message. Just - wait a second - imagine it with me!

You're in a safe space at evening time outside, you are warm and cosy in a blanket and you have an amazing view of the sky, nothing in the way. Your guardian angel sits next to you on soft grass, and in the darkness points out all the beautiful and bright stars, and constellations. It is so calm and peaceful, and all that matters to you right now is what shines through the dark.

That is the topic! Time to focus on the light, Bay-beeee.

Two groups! The angels really want to keep it crisp and simple.

Left (the peacock) is 1 - Right (the plant) is 2.

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GROUP 1: THE PEACOCK

Random, but I feel like many here chose this because of the peacock image, not necessarily number or other techniques.

Shufflemancy song in case you want to listen: Fruit roll ups - Waterparks (warning - explicit language)

Firstly we have grief work here, and my first instinct is to want to say sorry so badly for what you have lost. I can feel the soft flowers, and I feel like that is what your angel would like to talk about. Through loss and hardship, you have been so graceful. I get the feeling of neatly stacking and organising ones emotions.

I am reminded of nostaligia and childhood. Your angel wants to so gently and kindly reach out to you. There seems to be a soft landing available for you here. As well as that, I get the feeling of appreciating the past and all its beauty. You will always have those memories, you will always have those gentle moments.

I'm so, so, sorry. The emotion is so intense here, I can feel the sadness so desperately. You are truly not alone, and you are handling this much more beautifully than you think.

Whatever it is you have lost, your angel is pointing out the star of your resilience and your willingness to seek joy wherever you can in the moment, however tiny.

You might see signs such as ladybugs, butterflies, moths. You might get your memories triggered by little things day to day.

You are still healing, as much as you can. Grief is a special process for each person. It can create blocks or slow down other areas of life so we want to be patient with ourselves in all ways, as we are processing something immense here and a lot of energy is in there.

The angels would like to point out that the grief is a sign of love. For the person, for the project/situation, for ourselves, whatever it might have been. You are learning and growing more as yourself, and even if the future you is not born from the most perfect circumstances, that you - is just as loveable and perfect to your angel as any other possible you.

There might not seem like there is much out there, but your angel is pointing the stars out to you - those moments that you can take a bit of joy out. To suck out what you can. It's the time that child smiles at you and says something funny. It's the time when the breeze brushes past you and you see the mountains so clear. It's the moment you find yourself enjoying food for the first time in ages.

The guidebook for the grief card says:

"Unhealed grief is compounded by each subsequent loss. Although it's uncomfortable to mourn and cry, sometimes this is the only path to healing. That's why it's best to heal with an experienced grief counsellor, grief support group, or trauma trained therapist. Loss is one of the more painful processes of change, yet it can help us develop compassion and more appreciation for life."

This can also mean changes that feel like a loss to us.

There is a reversal that makes me think perhaps there have been one or 2 unhealthy habits (maybe even addictions, with respect) that may have been produced to cope, or have been produced as a result of trauma or loss. The star your angel is likely pointing out when it comes to this, is that there is hope to become better, to get well, to get help. Your angel would like to kindly encourage you to look at what behaviour you might fall back on, such as when you get reminders or experience stress. This may be something to seek professional help about, or to join a group or forum of understanding individuals. Perhaps those that have also been through similar trials.

There is 0% shame about any of this - this is a reminder - your star - that you do indeed have the power to overcome anything you're struggling with. If you have been out of balance, stuck in a habit, or having a difficult time connecting with your emotions (such as numbness), with the right support you are very capable of experiencing improvement.

Your angel is pointing out the star of your inner power and verve. They want to stoke that flame of your inner freedom. The inner you who knows who you are, who knows what counts.

I get tenacity here. I get the idea of no matter what your past is, you have traits that can serve you and prove that you can be better - do better - and you have changed. Maybe they are the same traits that held an unsafe extreme in the past (such as being adventurous - great at a certain level, could potentially be taken to recklessness/going too far). However now, it could be a maturation where you express traits in a balanced way that aid you in life.

Your angel wants to point out the star of how you might not be the same person, for whatever reason, but you will always become better and better as a human being. It's ok to mourn the loss of the way you might have been, but there is a time and season for a certain version of you. There is a new you needed, and it is the one that will serve you at this time.

Same goes with unhealthy habits. If you have been thinking of releasing something, it is for sure time, as you are shifting and changing for a new lifestyle.

Your angel points out now, your ability to have more confidence and be more in charge of yourself and life. Maybe you have had to become more independent or responsible for yourself, or even others.

It might be really tough right now, but you are growing so much as a mature, strong minded individual. Your angel is pointing out a constellation of who you are becoming, and how it is so worth it.

There is also a star the angel points out when it comes to being creative and expressing it in a solid way. Maybe it would benefit you to get creating physically, take some action on some creative ideas. Get organised, get a routine going because I see it give a sense of inner power. It's more about the power that you hand to yourself instead of outer situations.

Your angel is pointing out the star of protection. They watch your back, and they want you to put your effort into improving your life - not necessarily defending yourself (against people, or against potential loss - there might be the fear hanging around of more happening). If in doubt, ask your guardian angel for protection, to shield you, to let only that which is best for you in your life.

There is another star (they love you so much, oh my) and it talks about your passion and the direction of it. It is so powerful that it really matters that you direct it in a helpful way, because it can really overwhelm you if it's put to unhealthy or unhelpful means. Take is as a strange compliment. You are so powerful that you can hold yourself to ransom sometimes, or conversely, free yourself to levels of extreme joy.

You are really, really, realllyyyy not as powerless as you might have felt at any point.

Lastly, your angel is pointing out the star of comfort and humour to you. They try and bring amusement to you, through communicating with you but also through synchronicities and other people. That next funny post you see could be because of them. They are always trying to help you feel a little better emotionally, however tiny. This can even be from games, such as the sims. I see that game particularly, strange.

That's pretty much it, I hope this resonated, and I hope you enjoyed stargazing!

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GROUP 2: THE PLANT

Shufflemancy song if you want to listen: Brand new - Vistas

Group 2, guys, you're just funny. You basically had me trying to feel perfect and sorted, doing my hair and everything! to type on my laptop! You had me laughing because I noticed all of a sudden: procrastination and preparation.

My question is, for what? And why do you not feel good enough as you stand?

You guys.

YES, they are with you. YES, they have given you signs, YES.

Ok? What you thought were angel numbers, or a sign from your angel, or your guide, yes - that was it. It's almost like hearing "are you sure, are you sure though?".

You're tiring yourself out with this. I get the hand gesture of "stop". Your angel wants you to chill out a minute. Ok? It's fine. You might be the type to have your mind run a mile a minute.

I get also that the angels have been really encouraging you and backing you up to do something or go for a goal, and you have been hesitant? You might have been wondering almost as if you need permission, or wondering if the angels think it's a good idea. They have already given you signs and the green light on what they agree is healthy (that's more the focus, not on results) for you.

Spoiler: if it makes you feel happy in the long term and it hasn't hurt you/others physically or mentally, it's ok.

The card is also showing your view of yourself might be fragmented, it's kind of like the angels asking you to see yourself the way they do. They want clarity of mind for you, and for your mental freedom.

I see so many wishes, and perhaps even the enjoyment of blowing those dandelions that people make wishes on. I also see when an umbrella gets annoying, like inside out from the wind and it takes a minute to put it right but it's annoying to put it right and my mind is like lalalalalalalalala right now, seriously. I see that group 2 here has an agile mind, but it might have moments where it can be it's own worst enemy.

Anyway, umbrellas. This might be symbolism for things not quite going to plan, or things messing up in life in general right now. Maybe it feels like nothing has been going right for a while. The angels say that's ok, the breeze of life blows a certain way and like the weather, shifts. Whatever the weather, go with it. There might be a very good reason you've been shifted to where you're at right now.

You are free to do more than you think, or might be aware of right now. The angels are communicating that for the most part, you are out of "the thick of it". There might be the fear of getting blown back into it by life circumstances.

An excerpt from the guidebook:

"Heaven frequently dispatches butterflies to signal that a passed on loved one is happy and sending you encouragement. Additional signs may include birds, feathers and rainbows, or something else in nature. Or your signs might involve coins, music, or other human made items."

It also mentions perhaps a significant birthday or anniversary is coming up. (this can mean a loved one in heaven/guardian angel wishes happy returns).

The first star your guardian angel points out, is your ability to overcome the inner trappings of the mind. It is likely you know all too well, how the mind can trick us into thinking or feeling certain ways. Think 8 of swords - the kind of energy where we perceive ourselves as trapped. The king of swords shows the ability to see through that illusion.

You might even think your choices or opportunities are limited, but by empowering yourself and seeking outside of yourself for a short time, your eyes might be opened to the point you no longer allow your mind to tell you there is no point because of no options.

With the 3 of wands combined, the star your angel points out is the abundance of choices and opportunities out there for you. Your power to make decisions for yourself is stronger than you might think it is. If you are afraid of making an incorrect move, your angel points out that it is more freeing to make a decision than remain paralysed by indecision. Move - and make magic.

Your guardian angel points out the star of "never again" - you will not be back in the old circumstances that you managed to escape. The line has been drawn, and your angel is watching your back. It is only forward that you need to look, now. It is safe for you to make plans and look ahead.

Darling, you might have trouble moving forward or making decisions because you are not used to that much control or freedom. This might be akin to now having adult responsibility for example. This can look different for different people.

You wouldn't want the ocean to stay stagnant, so why you? Your world deserves to move.

Even when it didn't feel like it, your guardian angel was there with you. If you have seen butterflies, it is them, and their encouragement to get moving. You might benefit from inner child work, as you might struggle with feeling small/vulnerable in the face of the impact of life.

Without a shadow of a doubt, these are pretty much all decision/logic cards.

Okayyyyy, now while my brain logically thinks to read one way, it's not that way at all intuitively.

I see ghosts, of past decisions. Are there old regrets or decisions that you made that you feel were bad ones? are you afraid of repetition? Your guardian angel wants to bring this to light because it is holding you back, without you quite realising this. The decision factor of this is just a massive siren to me. I got a song about deciding to feel better.

This lies on you, and not in a scary way, I promise. Life has good and bad. Not everything is going to turn out well, no matter how well intentioned. You can't pretend there is nothing you can do. Your life is yours to take, yours to navigate. Your angel is aware you might not be used to that - and that is so, so ok.

They are pointing out the star to you that the future you want, the next step, is always with you. You are now only as stagnant as you let yourself be. You can feel better, today. Now. That is so empowering.

You are able to make great decisions! You are capable of making big steps towards a life that looks better to you. You are definitely able to reach out for opportunities. Ask people if there is anything!

There might be a couple here that have had a break up or left an old friend behind. It's no easy feat to come to a point like that, and your angel is reminding you that everything will work out for your highest good. Maybe there is regret of how things happened.

Whatever there is regret about, your guardian angel points out the star of your ability to logically see what works for you and what doesn't. Even if a decision didn't end up in your favour, you are a fast learner and are able to understand where you or anyone else involved might have slipped up and need to improve.

A star your angel is pointing out as well, is that you have freedom to go after what you want, genuinely. And that means you have the capability and resources to do it.

Your power lies in your decision. Let yourself have that, accept the power that's been given to you. You no longer have to go with the flow, you no longer have to just go with what your ex or your family or your teachers said you should do.

I just laughed, I had a vision of that meme, "I'm you, but stronger" and it tickled me. But this is it - I think you see yourself too much from a long time ago, but you have grown much more mature, much more strong, much more wise.

I hope that resonated and you enjoyed your stargazing!

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Thank you for reading, and I really hope this made sense for you. If not (I know, there's only 2 groups), there's always the next one.

If you enjoyed this reading and/or others, please consider tipping.

Power TarotChariot via cups of tea (reading is thirsty work, what can I say):

https://ko-fi.com/tarotchariot

[olderthannetfic]

I feel like 'we had to read a book with rape/csa/etc in it and thats fine so why are people being antis' isnt a good comparison because there are genuine criticisms with how schools handle things with common triggers and create a social catch-22 where you have to ether be triggered or you get ridiculed or rumored about by your peers because you didnt watch the movie with the on screen rape scene or have to out yourself a a trauma survivor to a teacher so they can judge if you are allowed to skip the assignment(which can get cps on your ass).

Like ill tell you what, having to sit through a movie with an on screen rape scene and knowing in your heart even though the teacher went 'let me know if you need to step out' to the class you under no circumstances could step out because it would be worse than triggering yourself and not being able to pay attention for the rest of the day did NOT endear me to proship ideology and antis took advantage of that and that 'this media DID hurt me and shouldnt have been forced to be witnessed' is a talking point they use to recruit. Thats why its not a good argument against them.

The antis see this genuine criticism of *FORCING* people to read/watch things that may trigger them within a time limit or out yourself and be penalized for it somehow and use it as a backbone of sucking people into it. Its not an avenue that they will see a good argument in because its already part of their argument- 'you poor thing, being forced to see such a vile thing that triggered you so badly, that shouldnt have to have happened' leads into 'what can be done to stop this from happening again' and their answer is the easy 'the content just shouldnt exist' rather than the complicated 'this is an issue on many levels that needs severe structural change to schools, obligatory reporting, the way we raise children to be monsters to each other, and other things to not be an issue'.

--

[sepublic]

Marcy’s Condition

           I’m scared for Marcy. Seeing her so wounded, I just-

           I really am afraid. Afraid that she’s going to need not just emotional and mental therapy, but physical therapy as well… Which, we don’t know how successful Andrias’ procedure is going to be, but still. It really sucks and haunts me how Sasha has that scar on her face, as a permanent reminder of what happened in Amphibia, of Reunion…

           But not to compare pain, but Marcy is somehow even worse- Because she might just have that ENTIRE gaping scar on her chest and back, and… Remembering how she almost died, how she THOUGHT she died. The pain, the unimaginable horror and agony at being impaled. The reminder of everything that happened in True Colors, the pain and desperation, the betrayal… I can legit seeing it become an actual, medical trigger for Marcy. Sasha at least managed to cope with the scar on her face, good for her…!

           But Marcy… I can easily see this breaking her. And it just leads to her always trying to cover up that scar and not look at it, which, is easy because she can accomplish that with any regular shirt, but still… It’s just the entire concept of bodily autonomy being violated, of being marked like that, and it worsens with the idea of Andrias turning Marcy into a cyborg, and/or his master possessing her. To already have her body so grievously hurt and wounded, to then be operated on like a test subject, to be controlled and puppeted with this entity inside her… It genuinely sickens me.

           This girl suffered, and there’s always that permanent, visual reminder of it. At least with Sasha, you can argue how she brought it on herself, as a reminder of how she tried to kill Anne’s surrogate father and why this mistake backfired; It’s a learning experience, although trauma is trauma of course, so that is to be said VERY lightly and carefully. It’s not like Anne MEANT to scar Sasha; But Marcy… Marcy didn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve to be impaled by someone she trusted, who took advantage of and manipulated her… 

          She was afraid of confiding her fears in with Anne and Sasha, and she found that in Andrias; And now, she’s likely to be even MORE terrified of opening up because of this! Especially with how Andrias has the AUDACITY to literally gaslight Marcy in her final moments, as she realizes she’s going to die and is dead, by saying “Look what you’ve made me do.” As if he hasn’t emotionally manipulated her enough, to imply Marcy’s violent death is all her fault, and/or that of the friends she loves and didn’t want to lose, was so afraid of being rejected by. Because I guess her soul hadn’t been crushed enough!

           Not to mention… Getting impaled like that, having a burning blade through your spine… I’m just really afraid that when this is all over, IF Marcy gets to recover and heal; She might be paralyzed. She might be plagued with physical health issues for the rest of her life, because she’s missing an entire chunk of her spine; And, hopefully Andrias’ procedure can give Marcy’s body a full recovery… Ideal scenario, no scar, even! 

          But I can’t help but feel like being possessed by Andrias’ master, THAT could leave its own physical toll on Marcy’s poor body, and it just agonizes me to see this girl be violated like that, emotionally and physically. It’s depressing how Marcy briefly treats others more like NPCs in her game than people, because now SHE’s being objectified, losing her agency, in a way that is so much worse and totally undeserved.

           Marcy doesn’t deserve to have to live with physical health issues for the rest of her life, for what happened; She’s a kid. She doesn’t deserve to be plagued with echoes of pain and physical trauma that constantly remind her of what happened, even when she’s not directly looking at the visual mark it left behind. And I’m just scared that when this is all over… I can see Marcy being bedridden, being in ACTUAL medical therapy, because I have a hard time imagining her being able to function without that.

           What if she becomes physically sick and ill, still feeling the repercussions of her wound or possession or being modified against her will? I don’t want to imagine Marcy looking at prosthetics that Andriasgave her, for the rest of her life. There’s nothing wrong with needing physical aid, or medicine, or therapy to get by in life; But for Marcy, it could serve as a reminder of issues that came as a direct, unfair, result of her time in Amphibia; A loss of carefree health she once had… And she doesn’t deserve to be haunted like that.

          I don’t want Marcy to be plagued by health issues, she’s gone through ENOUGH already, having the rest of Marcy’s life be permanently riddled and restrained because of her wound, it just… It genuinely leaves me in anguish. I don’t want to see Marcy in a wheelchair, as a permanent, haunting reminder that is intertwined in every aspect of her life, of what happened… A reminder she literally can’t escape because it’s her own body, and it’ll affect just about every breathing moment for her.

           I don’t want to see Marcy struggle to breathe from damaged lungs. Or have her struggle with meds –I know that feeling- or constantly need a device for physical aid, something to be hooked up to often. I don’t want to imagine Marcy sometimes lying in bed at night, placing her hand over her chest, so she can feel her heart beating, to relieve and reassure herself that she’s still alive. Not after feeling her heart stop beating when she was first impaled… She’s so young, she has her whole life ahead of her, or should, and she had that violently ripped away from her, barely got to live with that kind of normal life before it was gone for good. She deserves to just breathe, carefree, and feel the sunlight on her face and enjoy life.

           As a disclaimer, I don’t want to patronize people with disabilities or injuries. I don’t want to turn physical conditions into some inescapable tragedy that can’t be moved past, can’t be healed from; There are so many people who have managed to adapt and continue living as always. I’m sorry if I did that… But Marcy’s whole condition could be a brutal reminder of what happened to her, of that horrible thing that wracked not just her heart but her entire body. She shouldn’t have to suffer for that, for the rest of her life…

           And I’m terrified for her mental health. Of her suffering from actual PTSD, being triggered by things that remind her of that moment. Of having nightmares and waking up in a cold sweat, heart racing, as she reaches out for Anne or Sasha for comfort. I can’t handle that thought, the idea of a kid in that sort of pain… It’s so unfair and she doesn’t deserve it. I can genuinely, plausibly see Marcy becoming depressed, becoming somber and morose for a long while, before she can finally heal and become happy and excited and curious in things that open way she does; And GOD, I’d be inconsolable if she felt suicidal, because how do you move on from that? Thinking her life wasn’t worth it without Anne or Sasha, that she literally can’t handle it… Combined with the possibility of abuse in more ways than one from her parents, how THEY won’t help, if they’re even allowed near Marcy after all this.

           Does Marcy have anyone to even turn to when it all ends? I hope she does. I can only imagine her being constantly terrified of being alone, and needing company just to get by… She really deserves a therapy pet after all this, maybe Joe Sparrow could help. It just… It just sounds like Marcy’s whole life has been wracked with this kind of pain, and I don’t want to her pain get any worse, to see it get physically chronic. Any kind of physical pain could easily traumatize and push Marcy to her limits… And, there’s the possibility of good representation for physical disabilities, but also, I don’t want to patronize anyone, or speak over their voices, so again I apologize if I did.

           I guess this just stems from me wanting to see Marcy’s pain be acknowledged and addressed so she can properly heal from it, can be validated and told that it was terrible and should’ve never happened no matter what… But maybe I can find relief in the denial that it didn’thurt her this badly, that Marcy is fine and doesn’t have to deal with that to begin with, because wouldn’t that be better for her? I dunno.

           It’s undeniable that Marcy is going to be emotionally crushed after this… But does she have to stay, or become, physicallycrushed as well?

I just…

           SOMEONE GET THIS GIRL SOME LOVE AND CARE AND THERAPY ASAP FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE AND LET HER BE WELL AGAIN!!!!!

           I just want Marcy to be able to recover and heal… I genuinely hope and wish her emotional spirit will at least be able to move on after this, that she can still find joy and excitable fun, and get to be a kidagain, with her best friends like old times; Only better, because she’s at least grown. God, these girls and their trauma, and the inevitability of how it’ll haunt and hurt them… It leaves me inconsolable.

[valkyriegoddesses]

Thoughts on ACOSF

⚠️ SPOILERY, SO DON’T READ IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK ⚠️

⚔️ the good and the bad, I’ll try to get rid of the bad thoughts first and keep the positive ones for the end but idk where my line of thought would go as I recall and type so here we go

• Nesta’s journey of healing is hers and hers alone. She owes no one in the inner circle anything, they didn’t do her any favors. (Now before I delve into this, I just want to say that I see they (Feyre and Elain only) had good intentions, but I’m going to point out everywhere it went wrong, probably against what they planned, but still it went horribly wrong) She was still suffering all the same after she got her free will stripped from her, the decision made for her by packing her things without informing her or listening to her opinion or trying to have a more lenient approach to the matter, being threatened that her second option is being thrown to the human lands where she could die, being lied to about the consequences of her actions in law, being told she “belongs in the Hewn City”, being told she’s “a pathetic waste of life”, and choosing the place everyone admits they hate going to aka the House of Wind, as her destination to heal. Knowing full well she can’t make the descent down these stairs and would be imprisoned without the power to winnow. And instead of being given her space and time, they push her to talk and interact when all she’s trying to do is have some distance from everyone. Some time to herself, to not feel anything, to control the storm of thoughts raging on the inside. And she’s pushed time and time again to face her trauma and heal RIGHT NOW because apparently, they’re timing her. And she shouldn’t have her emotions on display, when she tells them she doesn’t feel like talking yet she’s forced to interact and socialize. Anyone who’s been forced to interact against their will knows how draining it is. Now imagine this coupled with being triggered by water, and being triggered by fire, which are a daily necessity. And imagine everyone got a decade or more to deal with their trauma and are still not entirely healed, yet your time is up after little over a year. It sucks. And I hate how what triggered them to action wasn’t that she was wasting away to nothing, but the bill. When the bill was high, they drew the line. And I hate how in the narrative, the “conversation” -even though I wouldn’t call it that because only one side was allowed to talk and the other side wasn’t allowed to object- was written in a way that made it about THEIR image, when she’s frequenting taverns. THEIR image, when she doesn’t show up to their parties. THEIR image when the bill for her drinking is high. (They say it’s too much money, as if they don’t have all the riches and they all spend money on things that are absolutely not necessary, and THEY drowned her with gifts, LOADS of gifts, after she sacrificed her power to save her sister, which she didn’t do for payment, but anyway the thought is, they had the money and just like they thought Amren deserves payment for what she did in the war, they should’ve kept the same energy for Nesta because she had no small role in that either). I just think they handled it badly. Not exactly how you’d talk to someone suffering from PTSD, depression and survivor’s guilt. For one, threatening a worse alternative isn’t helpful. Secondly, There were way too many people in that room. More than necessary. Feyre and Elain would’ve been enough AS HER FAMILY (and I’ll get to details on this in a moment). And Feyre was the only decent one handling it as someone who actually was looking for a better outcome and really had the intention to help, someone who wasn’t there just to humiliate. Amren and Rhys were only there to land jabs and poke at her insecurities and bad coping mechanisms. Rhys used his power on her to force her to obey him and we all know how it’s a big NO among them. Many of those in the IC had worse coping mechanisms. But what she was doing was too much for them to handle? She was self-destructing. And she kept her distance. If I told someone I needed my space and they kept poking their head in my business, I sure as hell would lash out. When someone needs space, their privacy should be respected. No matter how long it takes them.

And I don’t see where the problem with her drinking was. She never showed up to events drunk. We never saw her hungover the day after. She was spending some money on drinking yes, but it did not get out of hand. She was also spending money on food and gambling. All in all, not the worst coping mechanism among those who were criticizing her. Not to mention that everyone who criticized her were drinkers as well, and they all slept around during some part of their lives.

Now the problem with the presence of other people in that room, other than Feyre (if Elain didn’t wish to attend and preferred to have some space between her and and Nesta, it’s her choice) anyway, only Feyre’s presence was required. Everyone else there was just an accessory, only adding stress to the atmosphere, forcing Nesta to get on the defensive with the way they slut shamed her, shamed her for drinking, shamed her for not being able to take a bath even though she told Feyre how the water still scares her, etc. I can see Sarah wanted it to look like a “family” intervening. Like some tough love sort of thing. But she failed. Simply because, the IC might be Feyre’s found family and she might take such a talk from them because it would really be tough love. As for Nesta, she doesn’t view them as family. She barely knows them. So for a group of strangers, or let’s say newly acquainted people, to sit around her and point out her every flaw and shame her for every misstep, who wouldn’t lash out at that? It’s enough she’s forced to spend time among them, on holidays she doesn’t really believe in, where they force her to attend but actively ignore her presence and treat her like a ghost. Why make her come if they don’t enjoy her company? It’s just ridiculous. Then when she gets angry from all the pushing and lashes out and it’s entirely her fault. they’re all like “come to our gatherings where we will insult you, nitpick all your unhealthy coping mechanisms, but don’t be offended and seclude yourself, we all took decades to deal with our trauma and killed people while doing it but your coping mechanisms are unhealthy. And your actions are unforgivable because you lash out at us when we shove ourselves down your throat. How can you not like us? Everyone has to like us.” Then she gets thrown away to a war camp, a FUCKING WAR CAMP, while a big part of her trauma is because of war. And instead of dealing with her face-to-face, while being gentle and showing her they’re on her side WITHOUT JUDGEMENT, WITHOUT WINCING AND GLANCES AT EACH OTHER AND INNER CONVERSATIONS ABOUT HER WHERE SHE’S EXCLUDED, they’re like “we’re tired of your shit so here’s a house you can stay in while you sort this out away from our merry little circle, which has its nose up your business anyway. But still, sort it out away from us.” And in that house she became more and more closed off and her healing - and I will die on this hill - her healing DID NOT start until the house came into play which was her own doing. And it kicked off because of Emerie and Gwyn, who both didn’t judge her, didn’t demonize her, didn’t only see the bad in her, but accepted her as she was and loved every part of her. Showed her that she was not a waste of life and there are things to live for. As for the beloved inner circle? Beyond insulting her and her coping mechanisms, They don’t tell her about the weapons SHE made, because pro-colonization Amren doesn’t think it’s wise, that Nesta would use it against the world. (Amren do you hear how stupid you sound?) they always villianize her, assuming she’d be out to take the world and take revenge on everyone who ever glanced her way. They assumed she was bad, they assumed because she was angry, that she would use her power for killing and terrorizing and building an Empire like they all do. When all she wanted to do was listen to music and be around good company who passed her no judgement.

Anyway, getting into some details with each character:

Feyre: I hated Feyre’s “crying over scrambled eggs because my image is destroyed my sister spent so much money on drinking”. And the fact that when telling Nesta she was doing this for her own good, she told her she was embarrassed for her own image in the same breath. But beyond that I was fine with her. I loved her reconcilation with Nesta. I loved that she was one who wanted to give Nesta more time, recognized that she needed her own time. I love them together. I think without everyone’s interference, their reconcilation would’ve happened much faster. They were already making progress before ~some people~ ruined everything and caused Nesta to be closed off again. I don’t hate that Nesta sacrificed her power to save Feyre in the end. She’s her sister and she loves her and this is not the first time she proved this. She would do anything to protect her sisters and she hates herself for the times she misstepped. Even though it wasn’t her fault and there was a full grown man sitting there who conveniently got a redemption arc. What angers me though, is that it was only after this, that the inner circle viewed her as someone who is worth their respect. And made the sacrifice materialistic by drowning Nesta with gifts. She didn’t do it for their acceptance or for their love, or for payment. She did it because her sister needed help. Period. (Sidenote: I’m writing a post where I delve deep into their relationship, which I will eventually post, because I think I reached an understanding about their relationship)

Elain: let me get something out of the way, she has power. She has free will, she’s not a baby. She’s a grown woman who doesn’t need coddling. I hate how the fandom views her as a baby. And she’s constantly infantilized, preventing her from reaching her full potential. Now that that’s out of the way, here are my 2 cents on her, since she wasn’t in this book much: Nesta’s wording was very clear, yet I’ve seen this scene misread all over the timeline. Nesta said “I sat by your side for weeks. Weeks, while you wasted away, refusing food and drink. While you appeared to hope you’d just wither and die. No one suggested you either shape up or be shipped back to the human lands.” Nesta’s problem is NOT that Elain wasn’t “there” as in “by her side”. She explicitly stated she needed space. Nesta’s problem was that she stood between Elain and anyone who might tell her to snap out of it and lock her trauma in some dark room in the back of her head. She made sure Elain had her time. While Elain agreed to pack her bags and didn’t prevent them from shipping her away, deciding her time was up. All she wants is time, and Elain didn’t have her back on this. Then we have the fact that Elain slut-shamed Nesta. And then when Nesta comes to the party this time, Elain meets her at the door and her reaction instead of saying hi and leaving it at that or simply ignoring her, is “did Feyre pay you this time?” I’m torn on where to stand on the Elain-Nesta situation, a part of me is disappointed in Elain. I think she should’ve handled this better than anyone else because she was there, she witnessed the trauma happen, Nesta was there for her, they grew up being inseparable the entire time. If anyone should understand her better than anyone else, it’s Elain. So why did she abandon her to everyone’s judgement? And a part of me is like maybe she knew whatever she voted wouldn’t matter because the IC were taking the step anyway, and didn’t want to be there when it happened. Or maybe she’s still dealing with her own trauma in her own way and doesn’t want a confrontation. But I always circle back to the sl*t-shaming and the shaming about the drinking, and then I think about the Solstice scene where as soon as she saw her she was like “did Feyre pay you this time?” And a part of me is angry about the shaming undertone of that too, while some part of me thinks that maybe Elain felt unwanted along with everyone else and that in order for Nesta to meet them, she has to be paid, but we will never know unless we hear it from her.

Rhysand: that piece of shit, misogynist, who used his powers to compel Nesta to obey his orders, pulled rank on her, taunted and threatened her every step of the way and utilized her for his own agenda, and was *surprised* to learn the woman has trauma. Took him being inside her head and unable to wake her up from the nightmare, because the behavior she was exhibiting wasn’t enough. [insert shocked pickatchu meme]. I also would like to add that him playing the protective love interest from his mate’s own sister, WHO COULD’VE HARMED HER IF SHE WANTED TO, but never wanted to because she’s not a bad person, is so cheap. Like- you, the guy who drugged her and made her give you lap dances, are afraid for her sake… from her sister? Who only ever used words as jabs and is generally rude? Or do you feel like you’re overpowered and are trying to fill the void in your toxic masculinity and reassert dominance ?

Cassian: He was patient with her, and probably the healthiest person in the inner circle who dealt with her until she was okay, but he still silently agreed with all the shit that was said about her. Shit she didn’t deserve to be said about her as someone going through trauma. He mocked whatever progress she made on the stairs calling it pathetic in the beginning. He stayed silent when Nesta was stripped of her will, when she was told she belongs in the Court of Nightmares, when her fate was decided for her, when she was being lied to, when she was threatened to be thrown to the humans who would kill her. He made some progress and understood her better with time, but it doesn’t excuse how he stayed silent when she was being mistreated. Specially since he claims her loves her. He also stayed silent as the Inner Circle despised her presence but still used her to reach what they’re plotting for. He progressed, and he got better, I’ll give him that. But still, as someone who claims he loves her the way he does, he shouldn’t have allowed his friends to manipulate and use her in their schemes but then exclude her from everything else, even knowledge about her own power. But I love that he was patient, that he worked to understand her, that he grew to stand up for her. I would argue that they are the healthiest ship written by SJM this far.

Mor: fucking Mor, who experienced trauma, told Nesta she belongs in the court of Nightmares. Where she was abused herself. Knowing women are viewed as objects there, knowing Nesta would recieve abuse there. She said that, wishing abuse on someone who she simply didn’t like and had some quarrels with. They never saw eye to eye and that’s fine. They always had sharp tongues when talking to each other and that’s fine. What’s not fine though, is that THIS of all things, seemed so out of character for Mor. Now, she never knew Nesta was a survivor of SA. But as someone who helps SA victims, she’s the last person I expected such a comment from. It felt very out of character. I hate that this is the Bi character in all of this mess. Of all people, a hypocrite is the Bi person. The LGBTQ community deserves better. I thought about it, and maybe Mor, being like a stranger to Nesta, and seeing her ignore Cassian in front of the Illyrians who already look down on him, made her angry to the point where she just wanted to land a jab and didn’t think her words would mean anything. Maybe all she wanted to do was stand up for Cassian, but what she said was definitely not true and not okay. I wanted her and Nesta to have a talk about it, but also she grew to have decent conversations with her and she helped her when she and Cassian had that fight. So I don’t know, maybe it’s a silent progress between them.

Amren: this one told her she was a waste of life. What a great way to deal with someone who’s suffering from PTSD and depression and having suicidal thoughts, Amren. Tell them they’re a waste of life, enforce every thought they are having as fact, push them to the point where they doubt they should be breathing, and when they’re told they could tumble down a mountain and break their bones while hiking, their first thought would be “good”. Amren deserves a medal, a badge of honor for being the 500+ old woman who has healthy ways of dealing with traumatized people telling them they don’t deserve to live because the thoughts of their power and dealing with controlling that power right now is so overwhelming. Amren, who decided that because Nesta was always angry, she had no right to know that she used her power unknowingly and forged powerful weapons. Amren, who was pushing for colonization throughout this book, was afraid of Nesta misusing her power. Villainizing Nesta’s every thought, as if Nesta wasn’t overwhelmed from the thought of possessing so much power, as if Nesta doesn’t refuse to use her powers and train. As if Nesta is out there hiding as she masters her power to reemerge and turn the world upside down. You’re the one who’s pushing Rhys to colonize other territories and become high king, Amren. Maybe *you* should be locked up in the house of wind for therapy. What hurts most in this is Amren was her friend. She trusted Amren. Amren said that shitty line to her and then lied to her and manipulated her and used her to further Rhys’s agenda. She flopped from telling Feyre that Nesta is immortal and a few years are nothing, and she should be given time. She would not betray her trust, to whatever she turned into in ACOSF. And everyone give SJM a round of pats on the back and an applause for making Amren the wise one here and making Nesta, the traumatized one who was wronged, get on her knees and apologize. I mean- if you thought this apology scene was necessary, then clarification about the fight between them was just as necessary. Or you include neither scene. But deeming the apology important and not the incident? This is some victim blaming on a whole other level.

The House of Wind: The house of wind was honestly one of the best parts of this book. It was Nesta, “Lady Death” as they call her, breathing life into something, and it was gentle, and it was patient, and it was understanding, and it pushed her to be healthier without judging, without throwing insults or slut-shaming. It hated that she didn’t eat? It kept waiting for her until her body gave out and she had to eat. It didn’t like her drinking? It gave her water when she asked for wine. It showed her its darkest part where she found the greatest warmth as well, as if saying don’t be ashamed of your darkness because in it you’ll find light, and it didn’t abandon her or stop responding to her when she was angry. It was actively by her side, without any judgement, only support and pushing her to fix the behaviours without dissing her. and it was everything those people around her weren’t. It was family.

Gwyn: their first meeting wasn’t at all what you would call “friendly”, to a fault by Nesta. Gwyn didn’t even know anything about Nesta, yet she didn’t react with even more anger as ~others~ did, she didn’t fear Nesta, or give a retort, or get angry and lash out at her. She took the blow and was, with all the calm in the world, like fine, you want to tell on me, go tell. And Nesta did go tell on her, then realized by herself how she acted rashly. And later helped Gwyn without being asked to, by swapping the book so Merrill doesn’t scold her. And their friendship grew to the point where Gwyn, a traumatized person who couldn’t dare leave the library, started training with her, was her friend and had conversations with her that didn’t center her trauma or her coping mechanisms being analyzed. She went out of the library for the first time in 2 years when she knew Nesta needed her by her side. She occupied her mind with stories of Valkyries, women being strong and unyielding in a society which didn’t allow it. She took her hand and gave her a purpose in life to work for. Gave her a friend who didn’t judge, a kind face in the maelstorm of judgemental faces. Until she felt like a safe space to Nesta to the point where she spilled all her thoughts, the ones she could only admit to herself, to Gwyn, letting her inside those walls. And when she braced for judgement, she didn’t receive it. Gwyn dealing with someone’s trauma, as someone who’s been through trauma herself, is one of the beautiful corners of this book

Emerie: Another woman with trauma. She sees Nesta enter her store, of course she knows who she is, yet she doesn’t judge her. Nesta asks about making the fatigues warmer, Emerie says she’ll ask, but it’s costly. Nesta says then she can’t afford it, admits that she was cut off, Emerie, as a stranger, doesn’t judge her. She says she could make them anyway and she can pay her as she can. Because no one should feel cold. It’s simple, irrelevant. Nesta wouldn’t freeze to death, she as a stranger has no obligation to help, it’s a simple reasoning. “You shouldn’t feel cold”. It’s enough for her to help Nesta. Something as mundane as feeling cold. She asks her to join her for a meal. And Nesta asks her if she would join the training, which Emerie refuses. and Nesta blurts out that she didn’t take her for a coward. And later, Nesta sends her the herbs she wishes to get which she can’t get often because of her location, and it’s a message of “you too deserve to see what’s best in the world, to go out and experience the beautiful parts and live, not just exist”. So Emerie goes to training with her as well, and they bond over romance novels. Emerie also reaches a point where she opens up about her own trauma, and tells the truth about what she faced and her survival. This girl who is 50-something at least, who has never had friends, living a lonely secluded life, finally found someone who was trustworthy enough to be around and form a bond with. As for the fact that she is a PoC, and the illyrians are portrayed as this group of savages who abuse their women and their women have no say in their lives and futures and how they clip their women’s wings, when wings, wingspan and wingplay heavily imply that wings are erogenous parts of the body and wing clipping seems to be the equivalent of Circumcision, which again so happens to be done by the “PoC savages who abuse their women”, hits a whole lot as fucking racist and xenophobic. PoC deserve a storyline where they’re not viewed as the villains.

Azriel: I loved his relationship with Nesta. He was the best chaperon™️, he never spoke in judgement toward her. There was a silent understanding between them. However, I’m not against him showing his feelings toward Elain or her toward him. It’s fine, if that’s what they both want. I don’t think Lucien is the type to call for a blood duel. He simply brings her presents and attends when invited, he doesn’t force himself on her and keeps his distance. However I did hate that Azriel took the necklace and gave it to Gwyn, as a secondhand. I know his only intention was to make her smile but the necklace wasn’t meant for her. It’s not a trial by error, he can’t just keep trying out with different women every time he fails with one. And I’ll just leave this here.

The elephant in the room: the entire IC is involved in this, them all blaming Nesta, framing her as the wrong person, when she told Feyre about the dangers of her pregnancy? I don’t care if she did it while she was angry, her heart was in the right place. She got hurt from them deciding her fate without her involvement, voting on her, not once, but twice, about her fate because she wasn’t fast enough to deal with her trauma, then again when deciding if she should know about what she did with her own power and the weapons. and she showed Feyre what was really at play. Protecting her from what she faced with the Inner Circle. Just because she was angry while doing it does not mean she did it out of spite. She did it to expose them, specially Amren at that point. But I don’t get how it was twisted to “because she wanted to hurt Feyre”. She wasn’t even angry at Feyre. But you all would rather suck up to the Inner Circle than confront the fact that they’re hypocrites and liars with a propaganda. They’re evil. They fear Nesta using her power to seize control of everyone because it’s how THEY are. With all this High King crap. Basically colonization dreams. With how they press rank whenever it suits them, and lie about the law to win arguments. It’s because those who are inherently bad think everyone is bad just like them.

Other Elephants in the room which have been here a long time: the thing with blaming Nesta for not being the breadwinner… I could never get it. Some have money-earning skills, others don’t. She, at the point of her life when she was human, was only trained in dancing and appealing to men socially so she could uplift the family’s social status. She couldn’t hunt. Feyre could. And NEITHER, should’ve been the breadwinner. Nesta was willing to starve to death if it would push her father to do something. Feyre wasn’t willing to wait and starve or watch anyone starve. But it doesn’t mean Nesta was at fault. She was only 3 years older than Feyre. Let’s leave the “the oldest child has to step in for the parents when the parents fail” mentality in the past. It’s ridiculous. Nesta was under no obligation to be the breadwinner. And she suffered self-flagellation regularly for letting Feyre walk out there and hunt. But she literally had no skills that when she thought of something to do, she could only think of selling herself on the streets. The parents were abusive, both of them. Favoring one child over the other and planting rivalry between the siblings. “i love you” means nothing. NOTHING, when there is no action to prove it. And if anything, this book made me realize that Nesta was never okay. She was never in a good place mentally. I mean, I knew, but this book just proved it. Her mother favored her alright, but it was not in a loving way. She simply exploited her to climb the social ladder. She didn’t give her love, she gave her instructions. She enabled the grandmother to beat her, and instill some “harsher punishments” one of which Nesta still holds the scars for. She was called worthless, as a child. Why? Because she made a wrong step in a dance. She was physically and verbally abused, and her mother let it happen. Yet she was the only one who would give Nesta the time of day so Nesta still loved her. As a child, her mother was the only person who showed interest in her and she clung to. However twisted it was, it’s the only love she ever got. The only love she knew. Then she lost her. and later the family also lost their wealth. So all she was taught to do her entire life suddenly became meaningless because she can’t achieve what her mother “trained” her to do. And we know the rest of the story. She never felt at home, not even when her mother lived and she still had that wealth. She admitted as much. She was never fine. She might’ve appeared the part, but it was never true. And since she was so good at masking her emotions, nobody was the wiser.

side note: As for her power being the “bare minimum” now, there better not be a plothole, since Rhysand couldn’t contain merely the “surface of her power” because it was too much. and if that’s all she retained, then it’s good enough for me.

[neotrances]

hey why does everybody dislike that little blonde boy from season two of bb (i did not watch season two <3) what did he do he's a baby :(...

that’s alois ! its not so much disliking him as it is disliking how he was handeled its 7am so im gonna be brief bc his um story is triggering for me bc of how yana did it

seasons two plot follows ciel after losing his memories (where have we heard that before cough tokyo ghoul re) anyways sebastian meets up with claude and alois, the newest butler human duo, and i should also say season two is not canon and was made for money as these characters donot exist in the manga and this seasons end also dramatically differs from the still ongoing story of bb (ciel becomes a demon in this ending and sebastian has to be his butler for eternity) anyways the season revolves around ciel and alois trying to ine up each other using their butlers yadda yadda but alois and claude dont function properly, sebastian and ciel have a understanding and a decent friendship but claude does not like nor respect alois at all, and this makes alois act out for attention, including harming people, putting himself in danger on purpose, and generally being annoying to people

but this is also connected to his trauma, as he was a trafficking victim and as a result is hyper sexual, but yana toboso obviously didn’t read into what hyper sexuality is and just wanted an excuse to make a sexual kid and it sucks bc this type of trauma response is rarely talked about and even less talked about in a good way. alois acts flirtatious, dresses more scantily and try’s to act older than he is as a means of coping and trying to regain control of his sexuality (despite being traumatized) but the way he’s written is done terribly and doesn’t show that his actions are hurting himself, as claude recognizes this and either feeds into it, or ignores him and this causes him to act out more, in one scene alois gets harmed and is begging for help and says “don’t leave me alone, don’t discard me” and actually starts crying but claude ignores him and it just harshly shows how different claude and alois are compared to sebastian and ciel, alois, underneath his trauma response just wants to be cared for, and doesn’t know how to get that without sexualizing himself / hurting himself to make others look his way bc of how badly he was treated when he was younger

nobody with a brain really likes talking about season two bc of its ending but mostly bc of how alois is handled which can be extremely triggering to csa victims and its :/ bc he couldve been good commentary on that kind of trauma response but unfortunately he was created by a freak that doesn’t actually care about csa victims and sees them as a fetish, i personally like alois but only in the remade way in my head that treats him as a actual person that eventually gets help and recovers from what happens to him but otherwise i completely skip season two and tell others to do the same

unlike the main story with ciel and sebastian it’s nearly impossible to just skip gross parts for the plot in season two bc a majority of the scenes are or atleast hint to alois past / have alois acting out for attention

[traumatizeddfox]

I was feeling a bit down but with everything going on and that person messing with you for no reason I thought ranting might have been a bit insensitive but I just need someone to listen so I don't end up hurting myself again, I hope this isn't insensitive, I didnt mean to be.

Also. How did they expect to go on a traumacore blog and not see triggering content???? Or go on a PTSD tag and get upset that people are talking about their experiences??

I feel like throwing up, idk I just maybe overworked myself today and I'm tired and I didn't get much sleep and things just suck. I'm actively aware of how badly I'm doing rn and Its moreso because instead of doing school work to understand, I'm just doing it so teachers don't get upset and yell at me and today i put in a bunch of incorrect answers for a worksheet just so i would get it done on time and I'm tempted to unsubmit it and redo the questions i messed up but I think I might end up procrastinating again. Nothing trauma related, I just wanted to get it out. I should probably write a book about my trauma tho, 12 years sounds like enough for a book, right?

yeah idk why they didn’t expect that? like i def wouldn’t want to trigger anyone but my blog is triggering and going into a ptsd tag you’re def gonna find ppl talking about their experiences.

i am sorry you didn’t get much sleep and school is making it worse! school sucks so much and so does trauma and they don’t mix well

[dasibom]

haven't read it but heard mostly very positive things about a little life, would be interested in why u think it's bad? (if u want ofc)

ofc i love talking abt how much i hate this book. i answered a similar ask on my old blog so i'm just gonna copy paste (with a little editing):

content and trigger warnings for rape, csa, suicide, self harm and abuse. both for the book and this post.

i have so, so many problems with this book. lets start with... the gay stuff. here’s an bit from a goodreads review (link) by Michael Flick, which says it better than i could. the whole review is worth a read, too.

“Some believe that this is “The Great Gay Novel.” That couldn’t be more wrong. There are only two recognizable gay men in this work, JB and Caleb. A creative queen and a violent, probably psychopathic, sadist. All the other “possibilities” are pedophiles (categorically not gay—that’s a sickness, an evil, that has nothing to do with being gay) or so hopelessly confused (and impotent) that you can’t know what they are (JB and Willem). The take on gay men here is antediluvian—a dangerous and discredited brand of heteronormative delusion in which all gay men, no matter the glittering surface of their lives, are fated only to die a lonely, miserable death. Caleb dies an excruciating death (so we’re told) from pancreatic cancer. JB, the witty, flamboyant, unstable, creative queen is merely a plot point. His happiness, told but not shown, at the bitter end doesn’t mean anything more than that. He’s a device to wring one more regret from you, one more sorrow. You can be assured that he, too, will die an ignoble death just beyond this novel’s last page. And you won’t be troubled or offended or titillated by the gay sex (or really any sex) here because there isn’t any: it’s the sex that dare not speak its name. All this is because the author knows absolutely nothing about gay men other than the most superficial stereotypes and doesn’t have the imagination to venture deeper than that. She can’t even imagine that a man (Willem) doesn’t need a woman to quench his sexual needs—he has a solution readily at hand.

other than this, i remember this book having lesbophopic language but i don’t own a copy and i'm not gonna search the internet for that.

basically the whole book is just pure torture porn. so many bad and traumatising things happen to the main character it feels unrealistic and i think the only reason it happens is because the characters life has to be miserable. that's the whole point of the book to me. there is no reason to so graphically include a ton of this stuff in a book other than shock value. some of this graphic stuff includes very extreme descriptions of self harm (mostly cutting but also other stuff), suicide (including possible methods), physical and sexual abuse (part of it when the main character is a child), violence and medical trauma. i’m afraid that there is a real danger to this book teaching people how to hurt themselves (or even stuff like where to hide the tools they do it with) and i can’t imagine what an actively suicidal person might get out of this book. it really, really concerns me. i’m afraid this book teaches people to not get help, to not go to therapy and get help if they’ve been traumatised and/or are struggling with living. i've been traumatised in childhood and i can imagine what someone younger than i am, someone more impressionable, could get out of this book. like seriously some very fucked up ideas, i felt like the whole thing about being traumatised, and the constant self harming and suicide attempts were presented in almost a romanticised way. obviously my opinion here isn't like objective, or something, cause i'm a person trying to recover and deal w childhood trauma, which still affects me every day, in several ways, and realistically, it will never stop affecting me, but the point is that although it was terrible and it fucking sucks, it doesn't mean i will have a life with no quality and will forever be unhappy and unable to cope. and this book so clearly disagrees with it. the fact that the main character is traumatised and that horrible things happened to him as a child feels like a death sentence when it doesn't have to be.

^ lmao a point i also wanted to bring up in this section is that not all of the shit that happens to the main character needed to happen because it's fiction and it's a made up story, like after some point when i was reading it and seriously messed up shit just kept happening and it kept on going i thought like... why? it servers absolutely no purpose after some point. reading a rape scene after rape scene stopped having an affect on me eventually and... that's not very good, is it? like, i'm trying to say, this is fiction, it doesn't need to go that far? at some point, a very early point at that, it was enough to get the message across that hey, what happens to this character is bad and fucked up, it didn't need to go on.

the whole book is also full of people enabling the main character to hurt himself over and over again and do nothing. every character is there to some way hurt the main character and people praise this book for being such a great tale about friendship. it is so pretentious and again, just pure torture porn. the book so clearly seem to think therapy and reaching out to people for help it bullshit!

i’m not saying you can’t write or discuss the themes that are present in this book but i just don’t think this is the way to do it. probably a therapist specialising in trauma should consult with the writer and someone should make sure the description of self harm and suicide will not harm anyone. i think there are guidelines made for that by people working in the field and i just feel like something like that would be of benefit here. like, i don't know, i don't have a solution, i'm just saying this is not it.

also, here is a link to the author literally saying she does not believe in trigger warnings. and i think those would have been extremely beneficial to have at the start of this book and i certainly would not have read it if it was for them. that would have saved me from so much triggering content that i did not want to read and i wish badly that i did not read. it seems clear to me the author does not have any idea how traumatic things can work, or at least that is what i think based on what she says. here is a link to an interview in which she says she does not believe in talk therapy. there, a point about a persons autonomy to end their own life is brought up which is a topic but if that’s what she wants to talk about then it should be done in clear terms and not with the only message “therapy doesn’t work if you’ve suffered enough trauma.” at least that’s how the whole thing seemed to me. like of course a persons own choice to end their life is a discussion i do think is worth having, but... that did not come across in the book.

lastly, here are some links i have saved about this book which i think point out excellent things if anyone wants to read more:

https://www.reddit.com/r/books/comments/a0e1yi/convince_me_a_little_life_is_a_good_book_please/

http://post45.org/2016/06/im-so-sorry-a-little-life-and-the-socialism-of-the-rich/

https://cannonballread.com/2016/07/narfna-a-little-life/

& you're welcome to ask me to clarify something or just discuss, this is a little bit of a mess cause i copy pasted that old answer and edited it a bit to hopefully word things better but like. idk if much of it makes sense

[ablednt]

Red Flags: Friendship edition

Getting sucked into unhealthy friendships is a common problem for ND and mentally ill people and while my current friends are amazing I have been in a lot of toxic and/or abusive friendships before so I'm going to list all the red flags I noticed in hindsight to hopefully save some of y'all that trauma

Some of these things might not be bad on their own but tbh most of them are I think

How do they treat bad people? People who they hate who arguably deserve that hatred? If they express that hatred by attacking people needlessly, targeting a marginalized aspect of that person, or lash out at them as a way to release their emotions that is a bad sign. (Note: by lashing out/attacking I do not mean criticizing. It is healthy and fine not to coddle bad ppl)

Are they an exclusionist for any marginalized group? Most of the time people who self ID as exclusionists or devote their time and energy to lashing out at a marginalized group treat their friends badly too.

Tokenism is a common issue in toxic friend groups. Are you a marginalized person in a friend group of ppl who have privilege over you in that one aspect (examples I've experienced being ace in an exclus friend group, being the only autistic person in the group)? If you are often discussing discourse and having to explain your marginalization to your friends, they cite you as a reason they can't be bad to people in your marginalized group, demand you educate them constantly, or you feel at like you're the exception that's Tokenism and emotional abuse.

Do you feel really tired/disappointed/upset after spending time with them? If they make you feel worse consistently then don't ignore that it's not just you

What is their banter like? Do you often find yourself uncomfortable with jokes or comments they make about you? If they tease you is it clearly communicated they're only teasing or is there room for doubt?

Do they often make violent threat-like jokes at others expense, mock others for things that are sensitive to them (appearance, mental illness or disability, etc.)? Have you ever thought something like "they're mean but its ok bc they're cool/it's ok bc they aren't mean to me"?

How are boundaries in your friendship? Do you feel safe and listened to in the event that you mention something they did or said upset you? Are they clear about the boundaries they have and what they're comfortable with or do they get angry for you not knowing already what they want. (Example: one ex friend DMed me frequently to tell me they were angry with me but said they didn't think it was worth it to tell me ahead of time what they didn't want me to do/say)

Does the friendship feel one sided? Do you have to do most of the groundwork and they just react to things you do? When was the last time they asked How you were doing or showed interest in what you had to say? The level for which this is necessary depends on the level of friendship and how often you interact but if you distinctly feel like you are way more invested in your relationship than they are that could be a sign

Do they talk badly about people behind their backs? If they're mocking or being harsh towards people they claim to be friends with to you that means they're doing the same to you to other people, big red flag.

Have you noticed any personality changes for the worse around them? (Example normally being assertive but the longer you spend with them you become demure/more submissive etc)

If you have any triggers or need accommodations from them due to disability or mental illness do they respect that? If they don't make an effort to help you feel safe or comfortable hanging out with them they aren't being a good friend.

Feel free to add on if y'all have anything from experience I might add to this later also

[dog-teeth]

I saw a post about you possibly being an anti anti, is that true?

no, i know what post youre talking about and it really really upsets me. ive never said any of the things theyre claiming, except being an exclusionist when i was 16 (and have since changed my views and apologized multiple times) so if they want to call me out for that then fine, (though the post they linked to as proof of me 'being an aphobe' is taken extremely out of context and also multiple years old) but the other stuff they are accusing me of is extremely serious and upsetting to me, because its 100% baseless, i have not now or ever held those views, and they are directly related to my trauma so i really dont appreciate being accused of it for absolutely no reason. in fact seeing that i was being accused of it triggered me pretty badly when i first saw it. im hoping the post just dies out bc i really dont know how to deal with it. i have no idea why someone would want to make up lies about me, it really sucks.

i literally have never in my life said, thought, or posted any of the things they said i did, and a bunch of people just reblogged it despite it having no sources or proof of any kind. i would really appreciate it if people wouldnt randomly accuse me of stuff that has directly traumatized me.