#its insane its like im in my mid 20s ive been out for 7 years and this shit feels like it never ends

[scarletspectral]

As a transmasc guy who isn't on T (i've been on a waiting list for trans healthcare since 2016 at this point i'm borderline resigned, I don't have the money for private healthcare so it is what it is) I have a lot of experience with the weirdness of the "women & nonbinary" crowd, because, it's not what it seems to be. Like, I'm a man, I'm openly a man I wear he/him badges and my gender on my driver's lisence is male and I say I am a man whenever my gender is brought up, but, as I'm not passing I frequently get told I'm allowed to come to these spaces, because at their heart they're not "women & nonbinary" they're "people we see as women" and it just gives me disgusted chills. My partner is nonbinary, my partner is seen as more masc than me by others (despite them really not being), they're never invited to these but I am and it really makes my blood boil.

I think one of my worst experiences was pre-pandemic when I was helping someone table at a very small local con, it was lgbt in nature and I was being even more open than usual on being a transman. Now I've been really into the idea of getting back into rollerskating for a few years now but have never found somewhere I wanted to go skate, so when someone came up to me and spoke to me for a while before handing me a flier for their rollerskate group I was very excited, after a few minutes I noticed the flier said "for women & nonbinary people" and I brought it up to the person, saying how if that was the case I couldn't really attend and that I would pass the flier on to some other people I know and that I hoped to find somewhere to join soon, I wasn't upset with the group at all and was polite because again it is what it is and as a man that's not my space I suppose. The person then started insisting that it was fine for me to come without really answering why except for a few vague gestures at my person, because to them it didn't matter that I was a man because to them I was a woman, which caused me to quickly end the conversation and have a sit down alone for a while.

This isn't a one off thing, and frustratingly I've seen it happen more and more to others as well as myself. It's not just invalidating to transmasc people like myself it's also invalidating to nonbinary people of all presentations. I've seen people say "these people just want women and women lite(tm)" and upsettingly it seems to be true from my own experiences despite how much I really don't want it to be.

I'm not sure what my point here is supposed to be but, it sucks. I've loved so many parts of being in a community, the lgbt meetups and the trans vigils and the protests I've been to over the past seven years or so have been heartwarming and full of so much togetherness that the sad topics some of them are covering feel almost hopeful because people are here and they care. But then this sort of thing will happen in these spaces I've come to see as safe and a little bit of that hope sours, a little bit of that community feels othering.

I'm so tired of saying it is what it is, I don't want it to be anymore.

[dreadsful]

tagged by @roecompany love you boo

rules:  answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

tagging: @fuckyeahspirk and @weneedwhiskey

THE LAST

1. drink: pepsi 2. phone call: deadass corsettis 3. text message: a skype to heidi  4. song you listened to: shot in the dark - within temptation  5. time you cried: uh like last night full blown sobbing because im w e a k 6. dated someone twice: no because ive been dating heidi since fifth grade 7. kissed someone and regretted it: no 8. been cheated on: idk brighten pissed me off for a little while 9. lost someone special: yes my kitty ♥ 10. been depressed: probably yes 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: i did drink two two liters of pepsi in one night and threw up 

3 FAVOURITE COLOURS 12. blue 13. orange 14. dark red

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU 15. made new friends: purposefully i have not  16. fallen out of love: maybe with a fandom or two  17. laughed until you cried: “we made her eat a combination of all the expired foods in my fridge. she was still awake and turned over with her ipod light. punched in the back of the head, that one girl last year who slammed into my forehead, “why is that ross from friends”, “ - adding on, the reaper that definitely got possessed mid-game, the people on video chat that recognized eren, the message i got from the porn bot on ps4, every time we almost got separated, ‘you cat pushed down on my vagina’ 18. found out someone was talking about you: uh yes? but mostly from people i’d expect it to be from lol 19. met someone who changed you: literally me and heidi suck each other into fandoms so much it wouldn’t be fair to say anyone else changed me.  20. found out who your friends are: ive happily been in a single committed friendship for like 7 years so i know  21. kissed someone on your facebook list: no thank god 

GENERAL 22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: p sure all of them besides some african kid that sent me a friend request 23. do you have any pets: yes, id like to have more tbh another puppy  24. do you want to change your name: yes my name is way too common 25. what did you do for your last birthday: just like- ate cake 26. what time did you wake up: usually around 6:50 if im being honest 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: im not even lying i was deadass crying  28. name something you can’t wait for: friday  29. when was the last time you saw your mom: just now  31. what are you listening to right now: my dog’s ridiculously long nails on the floor 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: i don’t think so  33. something that is getting on your nerves: the fact that i always have so much shit to do but do none of it instead 34. most visited website: tumblr, youtube, character wiki pages 35. hair colour: naturally brown but i’ve colored it so sometimes its like- more brown/blond or brown/red  36. long or short hair: fairly long  37. do you have a crush on someone: no 38. what do you like about yourself: i honestly- am so good as procrastinating but still getting everything done it’s impressive  39. want any piercings: i would like to have my ears pierced but they always get infected when i do  40. blood type: i think ab something but im not sure 41. nickname: people always call me ‘em’ and it drives me insane i hate it, but i dunno if that really counts as a nickname  42. relationship status: single (thank god) 43. zodiac: gemini 44. pronouns: she/her 45. favourite tv show: bates motel, ahs but really just the freakshow and asylum seasons, used to be game of thrones before they killed off my boy, (tokyo ghoul and snk if animes count), star trek the original series, btas, gotham sometimes i have a love hate relationship with it 46. tattoos: heidi and i should get matching tattoos but i want a small one for my birthday  47. right or left handed: right handed 48. surgery: no, but i did have stitches on my chin & have fucked up my ankle and foot a bunch  49. piercing: none  50. sport: i say horse back riding out of habit but honestly i cry off 30 pounds a day  51. vacation: im supposed to go to florida to see my dad but he also didn’t evacuate for irma so is he even alive idk  52. pair of trainers: are those sneakers? 

MORE GENERAL 53. eating: soup 54. drinking: pepsi  55. i’m about to: sit here until i go to the movies  56. waiting for: also to go see IT like damn i liked the original but the remake is more my speed + eddie’s & richie’s jokes are the best  57. want: to get back into fucking platinum in overwatch  58. get married: i sometimes think i want to but then i remember how much i sincerely hate people 59. career: crime scene investigator but im also lazy af 

WHICH IS BETTER 60. hugs or kisses: personally i don’t like either but when it comes to characters i have a weakness for the hugs 

61. lips or eyes: pfft eyes  62. shorter or taller: tall people are scary tbh  63. older or younger: i hate old people  64. nice arms or nice stomach: both  65. hook up or relationship: uh- for me i don’t even,,, care, but for them otps you know relationships  66. troublemaker or hesitant: there’s such a thing as in between 

HAVE YOU EVER 67. kissed a stranger:  no 68. drank hard liquor: no 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: i don’t have those lol  70. turned someone down: not technically but when people feel the need to remind me that they’re straight i do stop talking to the, 71. sex on the first date: no 72. broken someone’s heart: uh no  73. had your heart broken: when any favorite character dies  74. been arrested: i should have been  75. cried when someone died: literally any character ever  76. fallen for a friend: 😏😏😏

DO YOU BELIEVE IN 77. yourself: ha 78. miracles: nope 79. love at first sight: not realistically no  80. santa claus: no ? who does anymore? 81. kiss on the first date: its just a kiss 82. angels: heidi is one 

OTHER 83. current best friend’s name: heidi ofc  84. eye colour: blue 85. favorite movie: IT is really good, the star trek movies are all good even if some of them are like romantic comedies. avengers, psycho, the dark knight and wonder woman (though i hate the dceu with a burning passion tbh), batman animated movies are literally the best, fucking brother bear and open season my childhood favorites, mad max fury road, honestly so much more i just can’t remember