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jjkpls · 5 years

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Whole Lotta Love (m)

> genre : smut, pwp

> pairing : kim taehyung x reader (f) x jeon jungkook

> total words : 2.8k

> warnings/content : friends to lovers, threesome i guess, exhibitionism/voyeurism themes, some dirty talk, penetrative intercourse, bad editing

There are the drums, getting beaten so hard the whole world is shaking, tectonic plates disrupted and volcanos awoke. And the guitars, the hundred of electric guitars’ cords abused by the most passionate fingers, screeching and thundering blaring so strong it’s like they’re trying to frighten Zeus.

You want to believe that it’s just the music. That it’s so loud, louder than anything you've ever heard, painful and mindblowing in the scariest yet most delicious and memorable way. You’ve never heard that before. You’ve never experienced that kind of insanity. That’s why your body struggles to handle it. Trying to make-do, improvise with the information received while keeping the most of your body intact, making sure your eardrums, eyes, brains and everything else just don’t explode and shatter to pieces right there. And even though you thought about it so long and hard, trying to picture what it would be like, a dream born in a psychotic imagination. A dream of the loudest concert ever: hundreds of guitars, drums, basses and voices, all playing the same tune. It's still unexpected, unbelievable. You couldn't have imagined it to be like that.

Now your body is left to extemporize and lags a bit. Coping via manifestations you’re not responsible for and can’t explain. That’s why your cunt is clenching around nothing, clitoris tingly each time you move your hips around and happen to squeeze your thighs a bit too close. You’re not turned into a fucking disturbing nymphomaniac pogoer for no other reasons than you being a slut, it’s something else. It’s too exciting, everything that’s happening in and outside of you, for you to care yet a little voice at the back of your head mumbles something about how maybe you should be concerned about your freakiness. Getting this horny in the middle of a dancing crowd at a concert. Could you actually come just from dancing to this performance orchestrated by the Devil?

Two large and warm hands grab your hips and drag you backwards. A semi-hard shaft pressed to your ass and a beer scented breath battling your cheek, sending a bunch of wild strands of hair away. When one of the hand slides further down your front, settling for your lower belly, you see the elegant thing, with the ridiculously long fingers adorned by the slenderest, most delicate pieces of jewellery and you smile in relief, knowing whose it is.

Taehyung follows your movement for a while, his front now clinging to your back like glue, his second arm, the one who’s kept fairly nice until now, slips around your middle to wrap itself right under your breasts where they can sit, making sure there is no way your bodies can separate. And then another song is played. It’s still one straight from the most epic rock n roll hits from the eighties, fast-paced and enraged in that particular fashion, with that sense of aiming to fuck with the world by making the most noise. But you find your body to still want to follow the beat lasciviously. You are aware of how offbeat you are but you're possessed and that’s just your body wanting to do its own thing now. You’d be embarrassed if it was not for Taehyung who now doesn’t simply match but enhances your languidness. His pressing his hand against your pelvis, the tip of his not so tiny pinky finger crushing your clit -though you don’t know if he knows it- as he intimates you the rhythm of your hips, grinding slowly his now fully erect cock against you. You’re singing in chorus with the singers, murmuring or yelling you’re not sure as the loudness is fucking deafening -and so is Taehyung even though you can’t hear his lovely gravelly voice, you can feel his chest rumbling against your back. You’re having the time of your life. You’ve reached a trance, an orgasmic nirvana. Taehyung is laughing along with you, holding you tighter and biting now and then your neck. It’s incredible. The best moment of your life and you want to cry when you think about how grateful and happy you are to share it with them.

Them. As in Taehyung and Jungkook.

Turning your head to the side, where the latter should be standing, you find a group of cute girls with rainbow hairs instead. Your heart knocks furiously in your chest, panic over euphoria, as your eyes dance around in a frenzy only relaxing when they catch him, to your other side, slightly backed away. His eyes are closed from what you can tell, his head bobbing as all the pretty bits of his handsome face scrunch and frown over his tensed jaw. He’s wincing in that particular way people do when they’re getting blessed with good music. And seeing him agreeing with you on the magical performance you’re granted fills you with giddy happiness.

The thing is his stature looks so rigid. He, who likes to mess around with dancing since he’s been fifteen is standing buff and stiff on his strong legs, not hinting the least intent to move his hips or hands or about anything. You scowl. Displeased. You look around at the people surrounding you, all enjoying their time. Maybe he’s embarrassed? Because he’s more used to letting it go and letting the music possess his body when it’s a different genre of music. Maybe he feels a bit awkward in his sweatpants and Balenciaga sneakers, lost in a sea of long-bearded dudes with their big-exposed-bellies and sexy Mohawk chicks. Not really his crowd even though he appreciates all music and he had that emo punk phase in middle school. You’re upset and embarrassed for him, wanting him to have the freest and most shameless experience. The way Taehyung, rutting his hard cock against your ass, and you, letting your pussy drip along your inner thigh -you like to reassure yourself by silently pestering that it is sweat but you highly doubt it is- are doing. You even consider a trip back to the food truck to get him a beer, despite the hassle that it represents, but you then remember what he said earlier about not wanting to drink in an exposed environment -in other words, he can’t handle his alcohol and doesn’t want to embarrass himself in front of strangers.

Suddenly his eyes open wide and they focus right on your face. He looks, or more like observes, with an uncommon slitting on his usually endearingly round eyes. The muscles of his jaw twitch and clench a few times, his tongue presses the inside of his cheek and then his gaze, before diverting back to the giant screens projecting images of the musicians, twitches for a split second on yours and Taehyung’s attached bodies and it hits you.

Of fucking course, he would feel uncomfortable.

The three of you came here as a trio, beyond excited to share the probably most memorable concert of your lives. And then a few songs in, Taehyung and you are all over each other, dancing, getting to know each other’s private parts and he’s standing left alone in the back, seemingly long forgotten. Your heart aches as it contracts from the guilt. You reach for his hand which you wrap your own around, holding onto it as if your life depends on it. Which it does in a way. There’s no way you’ll enjoy this moment fully if you know your precious friend is not also having it. Just thinking about the past couple of songs you haven’t noticed anything brings an ugly shade over the bliss you were having so far.

Jungkook lets himself dragged closer, shoulder bumping into Taehyung, looking all surprised and perplexed. You can tell from the straightening of his back to the return of his beautiful round eyes and the tight lip. You smile cheerfully, hoping your gleaming eyes will soften him down and it’s then, finally, that Taehyung realizes the exchange. His motions slow down as he focuses on the both of you trying to make out what he can of what has been going on. Perhaps it’s the desire to get back to the show, with you, that helps his loose brain work it out fast, in any case he's quick to manage to put the pieces together. He flashes an amused pout to Jungkook, before his hand -the one who’s been teasing your cunt for some time now- slides off of your body to wrap around his friend's nape. He forces his short nails in, scratches his scalp mouthing something that you can’t catch before he lets it fall to his ass which he pats affectionately a few times.

Things are settled.

The show goes on. Taehyung wraps himself around you entirely, immersing himself back to that special zone, grinning to himself when he finds you there again. Jungkook seems less tense. At least his tongue is not poking threateningly the inside of his cheek. And his hand, no matter how slippery it gets from keeping it intertwined with yours, doesn’t let go. Now everything is perfect. There’s nothing you’d change and you enjoy this magical moment to its fullest. And sharing it with them. It feels surreal. Like a gift that you did not deserve. Undeserving but nevertheless greedy, you latch on it, feasting and bathing in this instant because you don’t know when something that special will happen again. It’s insane. You hope they feel the same.

And then you have the confirmation. The confirmation that they too felt like you, like this shared moment was too good and too precious and none of you can accept the idea that it had ended already. You need to create the memory again. Another one. As phenomenal and intense and unduplicable.

That’s how you end up on all four, barely holding up on your forearms, cheek sticking to the skin of Jungkook’s thigh as Taehyung, on his knees, fucks you hard from behind. Because that’s special and it feels indeed phenomenal. You feel like you're dying and living, feel like sobbing yet you find yourself chuckling through the few tears running from your eyes. It feels incredible. You don’t know how much it is the whole situation. How much it is them. How much it is the foreplay the concert turned out to be. How much it is Taehyung's ministrations. Either way, you’ve never been fucked like so and it never felt so delectable.

Taehyung shuffles a bit, sitting back on his knees instead of standing, and starts hitting upward, banging against a spot you’ve heard of but never thought you’d experience the day it will be played with. He’s not really playing though. He’s beating furiously, it’s brutish, you just know it will hurt once the pleasure is gone but for now, all you can do is take it, drooling on Jungkook's thigh while panting and whining like a bitch. The more pleasure you gather, the ball inside growing so wide, invading all senses and wearing you down, the deeper you sink into your only support: Jungkook. Your face ends up forcing a snug place against his rock hard crotch. He’s not even saying anything, complaining, moaning or anything. Sometimes you can feel his thighs jerk and tense under you. Sometimes you hear a sharp inhale. He just has one of his pretty hands smoothing your hair down tenderly and the other one is holding you somewhere but you can’t even pinpoint it. Your whole body is invaded by Taehyung in the form of sheer pleasure and all of your senses, stimulated simultaneously, blend and mix for you to be lost in a maze of delicious sensations, completely indecipherable from one another.

You render silent when it turns out to be too much. Mouth stuck agape, eyes rolled upward behind your closed eyelids. It’s Jungkook who worries first, fumbling with your hair to get it out of your flushed face. You blink once at the light, and Taehyung, growling, grabs you by the shoulders before he drags you up against him, slapping your ass with his hips continuously.

“Babe, get up, I need to know you’re still with me. Am I doing all this just for myself?” A lamentation. Not so convincing, but a proper answer is just too much to ask from you. “Who am I doing this for?” He insists, grunting, lips pressed to your ear.

“F-for me.”

He hums contently. His voice, baritone tease, rumbles against your cheek he then kisses. “Then you're gonna take it like a good girl.”

“Yes, yes, please, I will-”

Slowly he drags his outrageously big cock out, his thickness scuffing every inch of your walls, earning a pathetic whine from you, and he starts fucking you again, quietly and nicely now as he tries to listen to your babbling about how he’s too good and it’s too much.

“I know, baby, I know. It hurts but it’ll- fuck- it’s gonna be so good in a sec- uh-”

You’re so pliant in his arms. Lenient, unconcerned by anything, letting him have his way. At this point, you’d cry if he were not to help you release your growing orgasm, but you’d let him go away with anything as he ruined you beyond reparation, beyond sanity. You don’t mind him using you to get himself off, use you like his personal fucktoy and for some reason, having someone else, and Jungkook at that, being a witness to your desperation makes it all so much arousing.

When Taehyung sees you playing grabby hands, your tiny fingers aiming to reach weakly for Jungkook, he decides to be nice and let go of you so that you can lend on your friend's broad chest. It takes a second for you to tear his t-shirt up and attach your wet mouth to his cute brown nipple. And finally, you can hear him properly. He lets go of more of those sharp inhales now accompanied by poorly withheld moans. And he’s squirming under you. Trembling a bit, shuffling his butt on the spot, torn between shying away and offering himself for more. You indulge in his obvious pleasure. Kissing and sucking, twisting gently with your fingers his pretty nipples until Taehyung's thrusts turn wild and raw again, too raw for you to focus on anything else and you let yourself fall forward, until face buried in Jungkook’s crotch once more, you’re getting fucked through the strongest orgasm to ever pervade you. Your twitching walls are an unforgivable treat for Taehyung's cock who’s wrung of every drip of his cum.

It takes an eternity for you two to recover. Taehyung, unmoving, still holding your hips in his gigantic hands as to balance himself and holds himself down to earth and not simply fucking take a one-way flight to outer space or some shit. He’s breathing hard, head dipped forward as trickles of sweat fall from the tip of his nose and the pointy end of his chin.

“Fucking hell. I’m- shit, you feel good.” There's a pathetic snivel elevating from you. Apparently, it's enough of a contribution to the conversation since no one points it out. “Guk-ah, s’your turn. Good luck.” He says before he’s falling on his back, next to Jungkook, sighing loud like he’s just spent half of his life on just mounting you.

“I don’t think he has a turn left.” You mumble, chuckling a bit. Taehyung is not sure what you mean, assuming you want to be a tease and maybe deny your younger friend of his pass. But then you’re rolling on your back, glowing face split in a cute grin, watching upward to Jungkook's face who’s turned the deepest nuance of red up to the tip of his adorable ears. Taehyung's mouth shapes in a wolf-like grin as he reaches a hand over you to grab an unsubtle grip of his friends softening dick. He bursts in his typical thundering laughter because if the semi hardness is debatable, the wet spot wetting his palm is not.

“I think it’s hot, Jungkook.” You say kindly. You know from the deep frustration unfading on his handsome face and the cackle coming from Taehyung that you sound patronizing as fuck. Something like the typical: 'You’re doing great sweetie!' But you mean it. You genuinely mean it. Having a guy like him come in his pants potentially because of you is incredibly sexy and flattering.

“I think it’s cute.” Taehyung adds smiling like an asshole. Jungkook is infuriated when he turns to stare at his older friend. It’s the look he gives as a warning when he’s about to beat someone up.

But this time, you wonder if that look could mean anything else.

a/n: so this came to me in the middle of the night, following the Rockin’1000 concert i’d attended to and uhm... yea, this ensued. I mean can you guys imagine going to a rock concert/festival with Tae, I feel like that’s what would happen lmao. Didn’t turn out exactly how I wanted it but I hope you enjoy. Let me know your thoughts. kisses !

#taehyung smut #jungkook smut #btssmutclub #btswriterscollective #gukkienet #bts smut #bts x reader #jungkook x reader #my writing

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dantessssdiary · 5 years

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Dear Diary, Its a Doozy

So, I did some experimenting while going down these ominous stairs, and figured out if I concentrate, I can use the summon swords like one of those courtroom people with the typewriters.

Since I can also sense shenanigans imminently, I’m gonna just kinda… Mark this section off for weird recordings. And since I see dad opening doors, I’m going to guess we’re in the right place.

I’ll write D and S next to dad and I saying stuff, let’s see what dads up to now.

D “Hey pops. What’s—“

S “That lithe little… how far down did he go the mousy— Oh, hello Dante, took you long enough.”

D “Castle big. Also I like exploring, consider it a character flaw.”

S “I will. You haven’t happened to seen a demon man dressed like an Italian Renaissance scholar have you? Twinkish, surprisingly youthful looking?”

D “Did you… no not yet, I’m guessing that’s Machiavelli?”

S “And we always call Vergil the clever one.”

D “I’d wipe the grin off while you’re frustratedly opening doors”

I didn’t catch anything he muttered here, but he sure did some muttering. Also opened a door.

S "Machiavelli! It's good to see... Hey! Stop throwing things at me!" "Fifteen fucking years Sparda! And you didn't even... Who in 9 flames is that?" S "How was I supposed to know that the letter was overdue, huh? You never write down the dates and your demon found me just yesterday."

D “You sent a demon messenger to find… the legendary dark knight Sparda? Also, hi. You’d probably refer to me as his spawn, Dante.”

“Spaw—Who let you procreate?”

S “Who let you put on the fifty thousandth pair of robes in a row?”

“Touché. But Sparda so much has happened, never mind the 2000 interstitial years”

S “He just brushes right over not having seen me, no hug no nothing”

D “Where have manners gone in the fire hell, truly?”

“The KING of this HELL was KILLED ON EARTH” D “Big Guy, centaur but more animal stuff, real haughty?” “Yes?” D “Oops” “OOPS?”

S “So THAT'S what happened with Sparky. I'll miss throwing him at Mundus' issues, he was a powerful, noble soldier.”

D “He was very angry. Fun fact, your grandson kicked his ass too. It was a whole thing. He even ran away from that fight .” S “Oh look, he still drops his jaw in disbelief at things!”

I didn’t bother focusing for the yelling, but for a small guy, he sure doesn’t run out of juice fast. Cursing in Hell is also fascinating. I’m really learning some similes here.

S “So, now that he's no longer walking on these grounds and being his sparkly self, why do you STILL have this ugly self-portrait?”

“He was KING” D “So was Elvis, I still took down the poster eventually” “I’m going to design a weapon that kills Spardas and only Spardas.” S “You’ve tried. Hell, I am using one of those weapons, Bloody Palace, as my playground.”

“You… that Simulacrum trap was made specifically to destroy beings by wearing them down, what do you mean it’s a Playground?”

S “I also made some improvements. It was too easy.”

D “Speaking of, I managed Hell and Hell before we left. Barely, but I did.”

He’s just staring.

D “Pops, I think we broke him.”

S “Eh, he'll be fine by the time we return home. Next visit in 15 years, eh? This time we'll take Vergil and Nero.”

“Whom?” D “I have a brother and a nephew” S “Ones a ‘punk.’ Take a guess which.” D “the other one at this stage just has a free pass in and out of Hell it seems. Real revolving door situation.” “Dante can I see Pandora? I’d like to just close it around my head” S “oh come on it’s not that bad” “There are. Four. Of you.” S: “Please, it's not that bad. And it's technically five of us if you count V”

D “this last Qliphoth thing was Vergil” “Your. Your son ate of the Qliphoth?” S “Prides not the word I’m looking for, but I do have to give the act itself credit.” D “And, then I kicked his ass. And Mundus’” “Y.. y-you what?”

I won’t lie to you, I ripped like four pages out here. I lost focus a bunch a times while retelling my life story, mostly getting distracted to do back-flips and use DSD against Pops and his cane to explain some of the fight sequences. Long story short, when I finished, Machy gave us a,

“I’m going to pass out now, don’t touch my things.” And then fainted.

We proceeded to move everything 15cm to the right. Now that I think about it, I don’t think we even remained consistent on

right. So it goes. Either way, we eventually woke him up, and got back to talking over something that appeared to be some kind of coffee, but named something with letters that had no business being next to each other.

“Wait go back for a moment, if you please. Mundus did what?”

D “Created like 5 demon types, a few of which are still walkin’ around. ” “And you say you know where he is?” S “ye—yeah? Maki don’t tell me you’re—” “Shut up and hand me Pandora so I can pack I need to have words.”

D “Wanna meet Agnus too? He figured out how to make artificial demons AND turn humans into demons”

“867” D “what?” “868” S “Oh not this again” D “What?” “869” S “He’s adding to Pandora in his head. In particular, probably new ways to take us and Mundy out.” “870” D “how long has he been counting?” “I dropped the 13 from the start of the number. That long, child.”

S "Oh please, we all know you love me. And I love you too, you beautiful flower, the stars above can't even match the light you're radiating with your charming eyes" D “hey, red’s my color scheme... Wait. It’s literally just flirt? That’s it? That’s all it takes for you to—Suddenly a lot of the crap I’ve heard about you, Pops, makes absolute sense. And also a lotta crap about me now that I think of it.” S "I'm only wondering how Vergil can't flirt like that without choking himself to death."

“I understand how he feels…”

S “Let's see how much flirting he can stand before fainting, it’s been awhile.”

D “Shouldn't you know already, he’s your ancient friend.”

S “It's been 50 years since I visited him last, so who knows.”

“Stop talking as if I'm not here.”

S “Oh, there's no possible way to ignore you, darling. Even roses red nor bluest sky can compare to your beauty.” “Shut up, you’re not getting out of this just with compliments”

D “Have I mentioned how wonderful your crafts are?”

“Hellfire bane upon you both, I recognize those eyes”

Both: “Oh?”

“Argosax strike me down where I stand…”

D “Really, Machy. Artemis served me wonderfully for years, and then Vergil managed to turn it an extraordinary demon suit. It was extraordinary, powerful, pleasing to the eye.”

S “Funny how many of those apply to You, isn’t it Mac—and he’s out”

D “Good hustle on that last one, I was about to go a similar way.”

S “And that’s why I’m the Legendary Dark Knight, Son, not you.”

At this stage I punched him, and we moved stuff one more centimeter in random directions, and put Machiavelli in bed. I didn’t bother focusing for this, since I was doing other things.

Look, I’m good, I’m not THAT good. Okay, I can be that good, but it’s so much hassle, jump off.

It feels right to wrap this up, since We’ve been in Hell awhile, and I’m getting finally hungry in SDT for the first time, which might lead to questions I don’t want answered being asked. Also, time absolutely flies when you’re telling a life story.

#dmcthreads #dante sparda #sparda #Long Entry #dmc fire hell #dmc machiavelli #dmc dante #dmc sparda

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mikazukikannagisjourney · 5 years

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A Deeply Personal Post about Suicide

A very personal and dark post about depression, its relapse, and suicide**

*you have been warned*

**A post with a whole lotta trigger warnings~ STAY AWAY if you can’t, or if you must. Otherwise, thank you for taking your time reading. This is not clickbait, and definitely not for the faint-hearted. You have been warned. Don’t blame me for any negative effects**

Yes, there, I have said it. I always had the urge to write this down but I kept getting depressed over and over and I really can’t write it if I’m still in that dark, constricting place. But I am so far OK so I shall be posting this stuff. If this post prevents at least, or even just one person from taking their own life and gets a new lease in life then my broken and torn heart will have its peace. It’s harder to live and easier to die. But if you’re spiritually awakened, then the commitment to stay alive is even more pressing. I salute you for staying alive. You can do it!

OK, that’s enough cheery stuff for now. Anything beyond this point can turn dark and ugly in a manner of letters so again, if this is a strongly-triggering topic for you, and you can’t face it, that’s ok. Just stay away, till you think you can handle this. Also I wrote this on the morning of August 28, 2019 but I also had to purge the energies on this post so it would be healing more than destructive, so it pops up a day later as a queued post.

Edit: accidentally clicked POST instead. Not that I mind, I was gonna anyway. Divine realm kept nagging me so.. here you go. 😆

I *MAY* HAVE BEEN BATTLING DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS SINCE I WAS A CHILD

I don’t think I have the need to completely spell out what depression is because again, the internet can do that for you. I will just focus on how it was, and is still manifesting in my life. But how did it materialized in my life then? Well... Mostly I just internalized all of my demons. If I was angry or upset or I feel envy or jealousy, I just sucked it all in. My household growing up was a battlefield of emotional suppression, thus I can’t cry, throw a tantrum, even laugh out loud for being too happy. What’s even more ironic is that I am actually a very emotional person, which made a whole lot of sense once I understood my natal astrological, human design, and gene key charts. So even if my sun was in Gemini and my ascendant in Libra, I pretty much have all the water signs in my chart as well, along with having a strong sacral center that thrives on generating emotionally-charged energy, and that’s where the waterworks come from. Thus the fact that I’m a Gemini cry-baby who gets too-emotional at just about anything makes perfect sense now.

But back to the subject at hand: Emotional Suppression caused my mental instability and depression. Because each time I had to stop expressing what I feel deep inside, I feel like I kept killing a part of me. Each time I kill a part of me, a gaping hole in my heart and soul would grow even larger. Like literally I feel chest pains as a child, which of course don’t show up on laboratory exams and thus I have been deemed healthy, a lot. I already started wanting to kill myself around 7 years of age, because I was forced to grow up quickly so I could take care of my siblings and myself. I really hated myself and the world a lot because I can’t do what I want and I can’t have anything I want, among other things. I mostly play alone, which was fine until the thoughts of wanting to die keep coming up. Maybe for some people these things are nothing, and they’ll start bragging about their own difficulties and that’s OK, I mean, what you feel will always ring true to you, no matter what the world tells you. The brain can lie to you, but your heart and your emotions never will. Feelings and emotions are always true, and what you feel is always valid. If something hurt you or made you happy, it’s because you have those things inside you. If people trigger you deliberately, then that’s on them. If you get triggered by other people, well that’s a whole other matter... BUT, whatever you do when acting under that feeling or emotion is entirely up to you, and you cannot blame other people for making you act in certain ways. Remember, YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE IN YOUR ACTIONS, THUS THE CONSEQUENCES ARE ALSO OF YOUR OWN DOING. The bottomline is: PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GLOB DON’T PLAY DOWN WHAT I AM WRITING HERE AND SAY THAT I’M IN THE WRONG. This entire thing is a personal account, and it’s mine. I get to write this thing because the whole thing is based on what I have experienced. *see? I told you I easily get emotional lol*

I got sidetracked, I apologize. OK, now back to regular programming

Anyway, thoughts of killing myself got even more intense, especially with not meeting parental expectations as well as neglect, abandonment, and rejection issues that popped up as time went on. To be honest though, I was, and still am a bit surprised that I haven’t taken my own life then, and up to this point. Either it’s because I am highly-sensitive to pain *my pain threshold is quite low*, or because I am still trying to find ways to kill myself without the hassle or pain. Basically I fear pain more than death. I guess that’s one of my major motivators for not choosing to end it yet. I just hate physical pain in all forms, even more so right now. So even if it kills me inside, I try to live one day at a time. Back then, I had to live because my siblings need me to cook their food, and I had to do my sister’s homework (she has autism spectrum disorder, which my parents just chose to ignore because they have no idea how to interact with special needs).

How is depression connected with suicide? Well, for one thing the hopelessness, helplessness, feeling worthless, or thinking that living is not worth it can just push a person to the edge. I am quite familiar because I have lost a sizeable number of people ranging from relatives to friends, to classmates and even a work trainee from suicide. I haven’t even counted those who died from natural deaths, those who got killed either in combat or by rebels, or through illnesses. The suicide-related ones just affect me so much because I felt survivor’s guilt, because I haven’t ended my life yet and these “seemingly-happy” people did. My stomach got all knotted up right now, just thinking about it. Especially when I recalled the trainee that killed themselves due to depression. I didn’t mentor them personally but I sorta felt that this person had depression and again, I didn’t reach out. Even then when I was already aware of being an empath and all that jazz. I just gave myself a break after sometime because to be honest, I had no idea how to heal others back then. So... Yeah. But still, survivor’s guilt is real.

RELAPSE ISSUES CONCERNING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS (HOW I HAD THEM)

This is the part where I will be explaining based on my own experiences why some people who were openly-depressed that “seemed” to have gotten a lot happier and brighter suddenly end their own lives with no warnings. Not sure about other people’s ideas, living or dead, but for me, it’s all about the relapse.

Depression relapse, that is. You may be much more familiar with alcoholics or drug-addicts who went to rehab, got all better *or so it seems* but then goes to relapse and either ends up getting even more addicted or worse, having an overdose and dying. Well, again, this is based on my own experiences but for me, because I am not on any kind of medication for my chronic depression so naturally, despite all my conscious efforts on fending it off, it comes back, with a vengeance. All the pain that I feel, all the thoughts that consume what small speck of happiness I have left become even stronger than before, and whatever I did to relieve myself of the pain just stop working no matter how many times I do it. Everything just feels sucky and my pains do not get relieved. I just cry and cry and let the wave pass, allowing a bit of relief, but then they just come back in waves of endless and bottomless anger and feelings of doom and gloom. It feels like I’m forever falling into the abyss of nightmares and frankly, the only solution I see clearly at that point is again, killing myself. Again, because I’m scared of pain, I did whatever I can to escape the pain, thus me ending up learning a lot of bankable and unbankable skills that, quite frankly amused some people I meet once the depression has been controlled somewhat and I got to socialize again.

If I survive long enough to at least raise my happiness levels a bit, I can continue to live, even for a day. I just tell myself “Well, I guess I’ll just have to die another day.” For each time that I tried to escape my pain and my urge to kill myself, I find something new to experience, learn, and have fun with. Thus, the skills I have, the dumb experiences I had, the movies and shows I gave so much of my love to, the ties to people I hold dearly, were not only borne out of a small curiosity, but mostly to prevent myself from ending my life right now. I don’t know how people will react to that, but for me, my hobbies, my passions, are not just due to the fact that these things are worthwhile. For me, these are my LIFELINES. If I didn’t have them, I MIGHT HAVE DIED A LONG TIME AGO. These are also the reasons why despite how many people or the public would shame other people for having weird hobbies or passions, I just let them be happy. I like seeing passionate people, because not only do they look so happy and pure, but also because for me, that might also be their lifeline. So that they CAN STAY ALIVE, because LIFE SUDDENLY HAS MEANING. And who am I to tell them what they or what they cannot do? *unless it’s illegal or hurts other people deliberately, or both. I have limits*

And... Unfortunately, for some of the people who took their own life out of their own accord they may not have been fully aware of it, but when they got out of the funk, they might have thought that YES I AM NOW FREE FROM ALL THAT GUNK. I’M GONNA BE HAPPY, I CAN LOOK FORWARD TO THE FUTURE, ETC. ETC. but noooope, depression is pretty clingy. It comes at the most inconvenient time, right about the time when you thought you’re almost at your goal, or at the time when you feel like you’re about to have that breakthrough. Once anybody who has been recovering from depression falls back into it, the urges, the pain, everything just gets even worse. Everything sucks maybe a hundredfold compared to last time, maybe a million times more. Everything just feels so overwhelming, and heavy, and it cuts through your entire being. The way out just got caved in and now there is no way out other than suicide. THAT FEELS AND SEEMS LIKE THE ONLY WAY. And for some of these people who actually take the plunge and succeed, this is the part where their loved ones who were left behind would comment things like “But I thought they were happy.. They were looking forward to the future.. They had so many plans.. They weren’t showing any signs...” etc. etc. Of course they won’t, and they probably had plans. If anything, they probably wanted to get out of the funk for the rest of eternity. BUt DEPRESSION IS ONE CLINGY F****R my friends, seriously. It is. It will slam everything in your face if it isn’t properly handled, either though holistic means or modern medicine methods, it will certainly choke out the light of any person who just do not have the means to fight it, let alone keep it at bay. Especially when it gets pushed aside. A lot. Each time you succeed at pushing it away or dealing with it, if it creeps into your being, even through just a small crack, it comes to you with a force stronger than a wrecking ball. It’s more of an avalanche. And it will bulldoze anything away till the entire path has been completely covered. Still scary as heck. Thus with each round of its return, it gets more and more strong, thus the need for better ways of fending it off. Or better yet, just facing it head on by all means necessary.

FACING (MY) DEPRESSION HEAD-ON (BY ALL MEANS NECESSARY)

Disclaimer: Again, before I start this section, I will remind everyone that this entire post is all my personal experiences as well as my own opinions on this matter, so please do not take this as a medical or health advice. You can take this as a spiritual advice and you can even ask me about it. I’m glad to help. Other than that, please seek professional help. BY ALL MEANS NECESSARY. I am not responsible for any losses of any kind due to following my own personal methods here, any bodily harm or mental injuries sustained by the end user are done of their own accord, and I am not liable for such losses. Everything here with regards to methods are RISKS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

OK. Now that’s out of the way, I will now write here how I deal with my own depression and suicidal thoughts,assuming that I’m still here. I’m not saying that I will not kill myself yet, but I am fully aware that other things can kill me and therefore those won’t count. Also, I haven’t watched the entire Fantastic Beasts franchise yet, and my need-to-watch anime and series lineup is still long, plus Avatar The Last Airbender is gonna be on Netflix next year so nope, I still need to live.

Kidding aside, here is what I USED TO DO whenever the relapse comes in full-swing:

Binge-watch anything I’m interested in

Binge-read whatever is available

Binge-doing whatever activity I’m into at the moment (drawing, reading Tarot cards, learning Japanese, cooking weird food, etc.)

Binge-like anything on my tumblr feeds

Get super-obsessed with the canon and headcannon biographies of fictional characters (Hi wikia and AO3 lolol)

Cry and cry and cry even if I don’t know why (It doesn’t even matter how hard I try lolol did you sing that part in your head lol kidding I am trying to lighten up things here)

Of course, after doing all of these, I eventually end up wanting to die because the problem or the cause of my depression remains unsolved. Notice that I didn’t put “contacting close friends” or “connecting to loved ones” there. Because I don’t. I was never raised to ask for help, I was raised to do shit alone. And that also killed a huge part of me because quite frankly, I know that I need help but whenever I tried to reach out I get put-out or shushed, so eventually I never bothered to ask for any help. I just stuck it out all alone. While this method is typically great for doing GROUP PROJECTS by yourself (and cursing the other members out loud or in your head), this is definitely NOT ADVISABLE when dealing with mental health issues. Of course I didn’t know these back then, there was no internet, I didn’t have friends or relatives to talk to, plus I had no idea (or the people around me for that matter) that I was actually depressed. At 7 years old. Maybe 6. Around that time. This was in the early 90s.

But in this day and age, thanks to the internet, more and more information can be shared. Even better is that support groups are actually available, and you can join forums too, so people get to share so many stuff. Of course, I tried that, and it worked for about 6 months before I realized that in most groups I joined in, they weren’t exactly dealing with the depression in the most empowering way, so I got stuck in the victim mentality for a very long time. And the cycles of off-on depression mode kept getting worse each time. That’s when I decided to do things differently, and again, without drugs. FACING THE DEMONS IN MY HEAD is what I call it.

These are currently my go-to combination of methods when dealing with a depression relapse:

Shadow Work - Originally by Carl Jung, the principle is basic: identify the parts of yourself that you rejected due to external pressure, and heal them by understanding why it was rejected and suppressed, releasing the emotional charge by crying it out or something to that effect, and accepting that rejected part fully and without any regret. These aren’t the exact steps by Jung, but I just modified the method for myself. It’s pretty harsh because you need to face past trauma without any emotional attachments, and well, it can also do more harm than good. Only recommended to be done with a professional. Unless you’re a masochist. Just search the internet for Carl Jung and Shadow work for more info, I’m sure it’s quite famous.

Inner child healing - same as previous, but this time focusing more on the inner child (duh). Usually anything that persists for me, I would readily attribute to inner child issues so I would go to that part of myself and relive the trauma. Then pat my inner child and hug her till I stopped crying. By the way, crying is definitely included in almost every step. It’s soothing and also is a great way to transmute trauma. Provided that you’re fully aware of how the trauma happened and you’re able to release it fully. Again, if symptoms persist, consult a professional.

Kundalini Yoga and Meditation - amazingly there are many methods or kriyas and some are for dealing with depression. I call this method “killing two birds with one stone”, mainly because you get a real hard-core workout especially the upper body, and you lift your spirits up. Just search the internet for various methods, but I think 3HO is the one-stop shop for binge-reads. Again, crying is very much a part of this method because at some point, it will all just flow out.

Sound therapy - crystal singing bowls, gongs, tingshas, binaural sounds, isochronic music, subliminal messages, the works. I usually go to Youtube and just binge whatever I need at the moment. Sometimes I feel at peace, other times I just randomly cry. It just happens.

Energetic healing - again, there are numerous methods. I usually go for Reiki since it works for me, and because I can channel a bit more energy either from the original video or music, or on my own. Crying is again, an optional but very helpful step.

Emotion Code - This is the latest method I have learned, and tried. Created by Dr. Bradley Nelson, this method allows suppressed emotions, those you experienced yourself as well as the ones you inherited to be released from your body. You only need this chart, a fridge magnet, and determination. Also crying, if you can.

The stuff in my WHAT I USED TO DO list. - Seriously, self-healing depression is a very tiring and exhausting activity. Please, by all means, make yourself happy. In fact, YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY TO SURVIVE THIS GRUELLING ACTIVITY. Whatever means necessary. Don’t worry, I won’t judge.

Other methods I tried in the past:

Parts work - It is like Shadow Work, but the rejected parts of your self have different age groups. I discovered it before Shadow work and for a while I tried my best to do it, but I still didn’t mesh with it after 2 months so I did Shadow Work instead. Maybe I’m just not cut out for it. I recommend the late Pete Gerlach’s website for more info and even methods and stuff. Super-educational, with some drawbacks. Still it maybe useful for others so please take a look.

Diet adjustments - Some say that food and nutrition affects moods,and maybe yeah, because many foods do create metabolites that become converted into chemicals that eventually become hormones. But for me, it didn’t work as well as the other methods. I mean, I eat a lot of veggies and fruit even before I was depressed and spritually awakened, and quite frankly nothing in this area changed me so I don’t include this in my list.

Again, note that I still haven’t included talking to other people in my list. Because again, I just can’t accept help properly, and I still want to do things on my own. HOWEVER, I tell the people I care for the most and also care for me that I HAD a depression relapse. I tell them after I won the battle, even for that moment. It kinda helps a lot. But this time I don’t want to energetically tie myself to others, I have to transmute my own shit so people won’t have to get mine. I also shield myself so their stuff won’t stick to me. It’s how I understand how karma should be worked out of our systems, it’s a DIY thing. Otherwise you just add more karma on top of your own.

Well, I don't know how to end this post, apart from the fact that this is still an on-going process for me. Case in point, honestly I am literally crying right now as I type this last part out. It took me 5 hours to type and it's a post worth almost my entire life so far, but I hope it's all worth it, for anyone who needs help in any way. I am not glorifying depression or suicide or even addictions here, I am putting this out there as information. This post has been at the back of my mind since the Lion's gate but I relapsed and I just got back so I could write it as orderly as I can. So please, I hope this post won't be misquoted or skewed or even be taken out of context. Again, this is mostly for educational purposes only. Especially when you feel like you're in the dark night of the soul.

Anyway, I hope this was helpful in any way possible. If you need any help *spiritual and/or energetic only, not a doctor guys* just shoot a comment or a message, and I'll see what I can do.

I hope you find the healing you seek. In love and hugs from Source above.

Mikazuki

三日月

**Special Note: While this whole thing is free to heart, share, attach a link-back of the original html (href, if you know what I mean), and to cite in any style (APA, MLA, Turabian, etc.) around 10-20% of its content, please, under any circumstances, FOR THE LOVE OF GLOB DO NOT COPY AND PASTE AND DECLARE THIS AS YOUR OWN. These are my own personal experiences, basically these are parts of myself that I need to transmute in order to heal. However, as this is already an output it is now included in the do-not-steal-entirely-or-else sections of the internet. Especially for people who just simply steal other people’s work as their own. I used to work as an editor and even now I do my best to cite sources, or at the very least insert links to sources that I actually used. Be respectful of content creators, large or small. Don’t take away from us the things that we made with all of our hearts. Those are the only things that help keep us up. Also, because you have no right do that you know. And just a reminder, Karma is a real b****. Just saying. Thank you very much for understanding. PS. If you found the information in this post to be very helpful, insightful, and of great value to you and your own personal journey, please feel free to reblog, share and heart/like, or if you feel super-generous, energetic exchanges are welcomed! Please click here and use this email address: [email protected] you so much and be blessed!

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