#its literally that post thats like. i need you to actually kill me during sex this time please.

[valtsv]

every time i watch the terror season 1 episode 9 im like wow they really outdid themselves with the gay sex scene. so moving. beautifully shot. tender yet erotic. profound stuff. and im talking about the moment where a man massages his boy best friend's throat to help him swallow the poison he just poured down it to put him out of his misery.

[i8jisoo]

𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐘 𝐊𝐈𝐃𝐒 ⇉ skz with pregnant!reader

felix x reader | part six of dad!skz

↬ genre; fluff

↬ warnings; pregnancy, slight relation to sex, birth

↬ notes; this took so long lmfao i just had it sitting but i’m finishing up seungmin rnnn 🤓 i’ve been doing requests whew i just have EVERYTHING coming at once

u guys r really surprised 

u two had been in a relationship for four years now so this was inevitable as u two were putting off the pressure of marriage for awhile now

“woah, i’m gonna be a dad!! does this mean u have to call me daddy now?”

0_0

u r s e n s i t i v e

felix first notices this when he gives u a kiss in the morning n ur crying like two seconds after

:((

“why are you crying??!”

“you just leave so early and i miss you!!”

felix skips the day, not rly caring he just wants to cuddle u 🥺

speaking of cuddling u two r so cuddly together now

u guys just cant get enough of each other

ur at practice less often just bc of media and he thinks the house is safer for u

so the boys come over a ton more to the dorm just bc they wanna see u and spend time with u

he is so cute, whenever he sees you he’ll instantly be on his knees to kiss your baby bump and leave u with a light kiss on ur lips

u guys go to ur scan at the beginning of the second trimester

its hush hush and ofc felix has u with the best doctor hes heard of 

his hands are clammy asf, hes smiling and so dazed while he stares at the ultrasound

“look at that!! baby a and baby b!!”

felix is like, 

“oh im gonna pass out”

now he gets these corny ass JOKES like

“wow lix has really GOOD swimmers!!!”

“felix knows his way around the bedroom!!!!!!!!”

poor baby jeongin :( they are POLLUTING HIS MIND

he doesnt but this boy is scared shitless now, two babies?? thats a lot to handle

he likes to shop, a lot. 

for some reason everything is dog themed, puppies on everything and he’ll come home with bags of baby stuff everyday

lix is just so in love with your body

sweaters, t-shirts, hoodies, anything he owns, he 100% wants you to wear it

he might be a little excited at the thought of u in his clothes, it was usual but now u pregnant, he was a little MORE excited

abnormally this guy worships your body 100% 

he loves how easily you can just unravel, to the point of tears and have u begging for him to stop

ok lemme not ill start writing shit type smut anyways chile yes lix loves u A LOT in and out of the bedroom

mmm he’ll always be brainstorming names

aeygo for the babies 🥺

tons of kisses he has plenty to go around

he acquires a new skill called cooking 😣

ur his new favorite taste tester

he’ll read books for them both

tons of research on expecting twins and what to do

“hey, okay.. so i bought a pregnancy pillow, and like, i wanna use it?”

felix has this smirk, holding the huge pillow that is supposed to be a maternity one, but he much prefers himself using it as a regular pillow

he actually goes public with this, knowing that the fans adored u after being his girlfriend for so long nd u soon became a favorite for them

some shit like ‘stays meet your new members’ 😣

this guy has a knack for painting, his newest canvas is your large baby bump, doodling little flowers n hearts or animals on it, sometimes painting characters on it or whatever it may be

u two have this rly cute vlive together which consists of him painting ur baby bump, plenty of fun while he asked stays to tell him what to draw on ur bump :v

“ooh!! a ladybug!!”

he posts the finished project in nice high quality on their official instagram, showing off the many things he had painted

the dreaded bed rest comes into play

u are now nearing seven months, which meant that u should be experiencing labor or maybe labor pains soon

he takes his paternal leave, now indulging in ice-cream and gummy bears with u, rather than working out and drinking nasty smoothies

guess who has that sympathy weight 

(jk he just uses it as an excuse so he can just give up on his diet)

sleep all day

sleep all night

u two are honestly so tired for WHATEVER reason

lix is there to be a cuddle bug, pulling ur back close to his body, ur legs entwined and his hand on top of ur own that was on ur bump

its rly cute just try and picture it for a moment

u guys r trying everything to hurry and get to the end of this seemingly forever pregnancy

he’ll def buy two yoga balls instead of just one for u and he’ll bounce on them with u

who cares ab trying to hurry up y’all are having so much fun regardless of the fact u have to pee every ten minutes

u both forget the thought of it and just go with the flow

making a deal to go with the names for whomever u claimed aka baby a or baby b

i see ur guys timing to be during the summer so its miserable in ur house

its hot n stuffy

u two r just lounging n u both have popsicles, then ur just like

“oh! oh.”

it was a steady gush of fluid between ur legs and that was when the nervousness set in

u two just look at each-other in shock

“oh! we’re having a baby- um.. wow!”

he is abnormally good at keeping calm, helping u keep ur breathing steady and getting everything together 

felix is a pro.

u guys r kinda chilling in the parking lot just quiet and sort of nervous that the next time ur walking out of there you both will have not one, but two babies

“i don’t know if i’m ready yet.”

felix groans, grabbing ur hand

“ur right, ur more than ready. look at us!! parents of two in at least the next twenty-four hours!!” 

his hands r around u in a second to help u up and there to help u walk in

u two honestly decide to play games on ur phone to kill time

felix crawls into ur bed, seeing as how u looked extremely lonely, letting his arms and legs wrap around u n he’s just playing with ur hair

its honestly adorable

u two are really tired for whatever reason, falling asleep like this before u would be consumed in the late nights of being parents

these nurses wake u both up and are just like

“let’s see if we’re ready to meet ur babies!!”

felix is kinda scared but nonetheless he’ll grab ur hand and hold onto it with a smile

10cm woo!

if he wasn’t hyping u up before he is hyping u up right now

ur somewhat laughing and crying while in pain

yall r so weird

felix is there to wipe ur face with the wet cloth, or to give u a sip of water, rly whatever u need he is on it

poor baby just wants to be of help

“here’s baby a! it’s a girl!”

u two have at least a moment with her, taking in her small appearance, felix holding her out for u to see

abruptly cut off by baby b needing to make an appearance

“i don’t wanna do this again.”

“it’s alright, shh. we’re going to have two babies, two perfect ones. we have one little girl, let’s get ready for the next one, yeah? our two babies, you’re doing so good.”

they take away ur little girl while felix does what he already did beforehand

“here’s your second one!! we have a pair of sisters!”

u and felix are so overjoyed at this news, literally sobbing, u two r a mess

both r brought over to u, felix taking in the fact he’s a father of two girls, such small girls

ur both smiley while u kiss them n cuddle them, getting the nurse to take a picture of u two

ur obviously tired, felix emotionally worn out but having the brightest smiles on ur faces while u hold onto ur pair of newborn girls

he’s so proud, he’s the definition of a proud father

lix is holding onto one and he comes over to you, the other one cooing

“that’s it, my three girls.”

©️ maysdiors 2020 :: all rights reserved. do not repost my work on tumblr or other platforms.

[xthelastknownsurvivorx]

Hamilton!firstprince au

(cross posted from twitter with a couple of edits b/c i couldn’t make them there)

in which i loosely follow the plot of hamilton except its firstprince and alex and henry get a happy ending. inspired by the striking similarities i noted between our favorite first son and his namesake hamilton in the broadway musical

the similarities:

both have/will have a political career

both often talk too much/don't mind their words

both began as lawyers

both extremely motivated but overwork themselves (“nonstop” +  “you have a fire under ur ass for no good goddamn reason)

both had some sort of sex scandal that impacted their career plans

hamilton speculated to be bi

the story

the setup of the colonized country alex lives in is similar to the usa vs england but fictional bc alexs race would have limited his opportunities in america's early years

idk names for either of these countries so its now the colony and the motherland

alex + his mom live alone in the poorer southern part of the colony

but his dad + june live elsewhere + they dont rly contact e/o (tho they do know of e/o’s existence)

june becomes a journalist who writes important pieces abt independence

when alex comes of age his mom reveals she used to be part of the rebellion

thats actually why his dad left to raise june bc it was too dangerous

his parents met in the rebellion but oscar left first for june while ellen stayed until she realized she was pregnant w alex

ellen still has some rebel contacts but she mostly sheltered alex to keep him safe

now tho alex decides to join too + the rebellion sends him up north to the capital for an education bc he's smart + they need people like that

he attends uni + meets like-minded people there

tension grows btwn the colony in the motherland, and alex + his friends write/speak out often and this goes on throughout their schooling

they’re also troublemakers in general too, much to the annoyance of the motherland soldiers stationed in the capital to prevent rebellion

henry is one of those soldiers

he's from a noble family in the motherland but was sent overseas as the sort of black sheep of the family due to his sexuality

the idea was to let him be in charge in the colony + reestablish a reputation there w/o embarrassing the main family back home

henry hates his job + feels bad for the colonists but still does what he's told anyway

alex + fhis riends like to bug motherland soldiers for fun

nothing  enough to put their lives in danger too much (although yes that too esp when drunk)

henry becomes a favorite target of alex's bc he's awfully stoic + statue like + on the way to uni - overall fun to antagonize 

there's also the fact that alex is angry at all the soldiers for oppressing the colony + holding up the motherland monarchs tyranny (but also alex just is the type to fight literally everything and anything) 

it becomes almost a daily ritual for them to argue 

henry wonders why this colonist keeps on picking a fight w him but soon almost looks forward to it

many of the other soldiers know or speculate why henry is in the colony but none make the effort to get to know him; some even call him arrogant or undeserving of his position

alex doesn't 

of course alex also doesn't know him

and alex hates him

but he doesn't whisper behind henry's back

henry comes to read some of the essays alex publishes speaking out against the monarchy + also hears alex speak to crowd in the square

alex is a talented + charismatic public speaker

henry finds himself growing increasingly sympathetic to the colonists cause

at the same time he and the other soldiers are order to be stricter and dole out more punishments

the others gleefully do so which makes henry concerned about alex's safety bc alex often seems to have no self-preservation skills

henry asks alex for a word when he's alone 

“am I in trouble?” “no but you bloody will be if u keep going on like this” 

“this is serious” “so am I” “you can't go around saying things so openly you'll get yourself killed”

alex tries to leave at this point “I think I'll be ok” but henry shoves him against the nearest wall 

“listen to me! stop acting like this is a game! ur putting ur sodding life in danger! I dont bloody care what ur opinions r but why must u declare them around enemy soldiers? how is this helpful 2 ur cause? u cant fight if ur dead” 

“you'd b surprised how effective martyrs are” 

cue enraged henry noises 

alexs gaze turns hard “listen i  appreciate/the advice” he says sarcastically “but I dont need an enemy telling me what to do. I can take care of myself” 

there's a stirring in alexs chest after he removes henry's hand and stalks off that he's pretty sure is anger

like it can't be anything else 

while alex is trying to convince himself of that, the tensions boil over + soon the two sides are on the brink of war then the fighting starts

henry + alex don't talk much for a while bc they're both busy on their sides preparing

school is on hold during the war so alex + his friends are looking to serve + bring glory to their names 

alex esp is recognized for his intelligence + becomes the recognized general rafael lunas secretary

luna is the george washington figure in this case who is impressed by alex wants him as his right-hand man

alex is disappointed his role is not on the battlefield bc he knows he has a good tactical mind + he could change the tide of a losing war + gain honor and status thru it, which would put him in a good position to be elected in the future

as secretary, alex is in charge of a lot of important correspondence eg for more supplies + men, so the motherland soldiers figure ambushing him off the battlefield would make things hard for the colonists

henry overhears this plan + immediately worries for alex's safety but he's cornered by another soldier to talk strategy + misses the chance to take out the men then

henry manages to catch that they're going to attack alex at night when he leaves + henry arrives just in time to kill them in a panic

alex hears the gunshot + yells “drop ur weapon”, drawing his own gun

henry obviously does + alex inspects the scene he keeps a gun fixed on henry

“what's going on?” he asks, eyeing henry w/ suspicion

henry explains everything + looks positively terrified bc he just betrayed his side even tho the motherland and his family has treated him like shit since he came out but still. 

becoming an outright traitor is not something henry ever planned + leaving behind everything he's ever known w no hope of ever going back is terrifying

but he also doesn't regret protecting alex

alex questions henry but can quickly tell henry is sincere + is telling the truth

henry explains his change of heart + they have a heartfelt moment in/just outside luna's office.

alex almost died + henry just switched sides, emotions are running high and they escalate into a kiss. the moon is out + it's all very romantic but they don't admit their feelings yet

soon after they go to luna, explain the situation + talk w the other generals/people in charge

henry is sent away on an assignment + is watched closely at first but he proves his loyalty quickly

henry and alex write letters back + forth that turn into love letters 

besides managing correspondence for luna, some of alexs ideas of sneak attacks/stealing supplies help turn the tide of the war andhe also writes to other countries for foreign aid

eventually the colonists win in this huge up start that no one anticipated bc the motherland is known as the most powerful country in the world

he + henry reunite in the capital of once the war is over

alex finishes up his studies + practices law + soon is chosen to be part of the new lawmaking body

things are going pretty well for alex w his legal + political success and his relationship with henry

they dont live together but theyre dating tho no one else knows

alex pretends to be single instead + says he doesn't want to be tied down

it works while he's still in his early 20s but as he gets closer to 30, people start to find it strange + tell him he needs to settle

being married to his work is also not a valid excuse anymore

it turns out alex made quite a few political enemies due to his strong opinions that he always vocalises + can be unwilling to compromise on

they don't like his ideas or more often hate him and hence his ideas too

they look for some dirt on him bc atm he has lunas support which has a lot of sway + decide they need to find out why he hasn't married

they manage to find out about henry + threaten to tell the public

alex is obviously distraught re the consequences personally + politically

so alex and henry discuss what to do 

henry is willing to put alexs political career 1st but firmly explains their relationship can't continue if that's the case

henry gave up his whole life + any possibility of going back to his family so he's not willing to be someone's dirty little secret  

alex doesn't know what to do so he goes to consult luna who he's become very close with over the years

luna is not quite old enough to be his father but he's like an uncle + he always calls alex “kid”, much to alex's annoyance

but alex knows he'll have some good advice

alex + luna end up having a long conversation

like washington luna has always been very vocal abt his regrets re his naivety + desire for glory back in his youth

hes always said that this was his greatest regret in life. but then he tells alex like he had another great regret in life- letting go of the love of his life

alex is surprised bc luna's never mentioned anyone special

“who is she?” 

“he” luna corrects “he was my best friend. we had something a relationship but it was short-lived bc I decided I wanted to join the military + attain glory. i thought thats what i wanted in life. turns out that stuff is meaningless w/o anyone to share it w. nor did I even achieve it. perhaps i did accomplish some things but now in my retirement I have no one by my side. i have found that life is meaningless without love and family.  

“i tried to find my friend to reconnect after all these years even as simply friends but he died in the war. alex, I see many similarities between us. don't make the same mistake that I did, alexander. glory + lasting legacy mean nothing if you're alone in the end

“if you make choices that are motivated by love and family you will be a lot happier”

alex takes his advice even though he kind of hates sort of giving up to his enemies

he decides to choose henry and his own happiness over politics bc in the end he's done a lot of good work and that much is enough

also his enemies probably would try to blackmail him throughout his career if he was doing something against their interests

so he + henry leave the capital and move uptown and the two of them have a quiet retirement + engage in philanthropy for the rest of their lives

separately they've amassed a decent amount of money - henry kept a portion of his inheritance despite being unofficially disowned and alex made a lot of money as a lawyer and then politician

as it turns out alex still has a tangential role in politics when some of his former allies go to him for advice

all in all, alex happy with his final decision to be with henry and step away from politics

the two of them live happy and full lives together

[hufflautia]

Hope you’ve had a great day today 💛

funnily enough, i literally just stopped crying. today was a bad day, I don't know 

why but my anxiety was just quite bad today and I was panicking before school started. something happened in my first class and I overthink a lot, so my mind was like, “oh my god why did they write your name last, do they hate me, am I boring, am I forgetful, people are always forgetting about me” and “my teacher doesn't like me, why didn't he respond, I'm embarrassed, why did you have to say what you said??” my English teacher does these “mindfulness” moments in which we sit in silence for a minute and reflect on the day, and I literally started crying. after the minute ended, I just stopped bc I didn't feel like crying anymore, and suddenly my brain said, “ur so fake, ur just acting, why did u stop crying all of a sudden, u just want attention u crave attention ur such a faker!!” also I keep thinking about something that happened years ago with my dad, I don't rlly wanna get into it but I think it would be good if I just say it so that its not jammed in my head. basically, I was really young, like in elementary school; my dad asked me if i wanted to sleep in his room with him, and originally, my mom was sleeping with him and i shared a room with my little brother. however, i was like hmm maybe, and then my dad said, haha ill pay u 5 dollars. at the time, i said YAY OK but now i realized that's so fucking creepy, yall know what its insinuating right?? anyways, i said ok, bc it was just a change from the usual sleep schedule and i liked spending time w my dad, so my mom went to my brothers room (it was a king-sized bed so it was ok, it wasn't a small bed that we had to share or anything like that) and i went to my parents room. basically, what happened was that we went to sleep, and in the middle of the night, (the next part makes me feel so uncomfortable and i feel queasy writing it) my dad slapped my butt really really hard to the point where i woke up and i was like ?????? and then he rubbed it softly immediately afterwards. i didnt know what happened, and i told my sister the day after, and she was confused too. recently i was thinking about it and I'm still confused and a lot more uncomfortable with what happened. here is my theory and i was very upset by it bc no one would want to think things like this- maybe my dad likes hurting women during sex and it was a reflex that night, but once he realized it was me, he tried “soothing me” or some shit by rubbing my butt (i literally hate this, i hate the fact that this happened and i don't like typing it out). no one wants to think about their parents sex life so this was just disgusting to think about. also my brother and mom keep arguing and fighting with each other, and I'm sure i have trauma from hearing my parents argue all the time so i rlly don't like it when they fight. my brother has explosive anger and he literally screams at her, which is very disrespectful; however, she screams at him too and sometimes hurts him, which scares me. I'm not worried about my own safety, I just hate violence i hate abuse, that scares me. so much stuff has happened in my life, and it results in a lot of trauma and other stuff that i don't even know about. i just know im really fucked up, im damaged and it just all felt like crashing down on me today- like everything thats happened, i was feeling anxious for no reason, i was thinking about the past, and i started crying again while watching netflix after school, so i just kept crying and i talked to myself out loud about my day and why i was feeling the way i was. that did help to some extent, and after i did that, i stopped crying, and then my brain said “why do you shut off your crying so easily, you seem fake, you seem like you wanna be sad and cry just so that you can see your pretty little tears drip down ur face like an actress, ur so fake ur so fake ur faking it ur not actually sad”, and the hardest part was that i didnt even object to it bc i didnt feel like anything was real, i felt like i didnt know who i was. i was like ok bitch whatever maybe ur right maybe i am faking it. i dont even know how to explain it, but its like being tired of that nagging and negative voice that you just submit to it, and you say ok whatever sure i am faking it, but in truth, the sadness i was feeling was real and genuine. about 10 min ago, i saw that someone tagged me in a fanfic and while i was reading it, i literally started bawling. i guess it was bc i saw in my email inbox that people had sent me asks, and i was happy bc i thought that maybe the person who sent me the fanfic idea responded back with more details. i was anxious about that before, bc i was thinking, oh god what if they just never respond, what if they just dont care about u anymore. when i saw the asks notifications, i felt a lot of relief bc i thought to myself, oh phew ok people still care about u. when i was crying while reading the fanfic, i couldn't stop crying, it felt endless. i couldn't just stop crying like i had before, and it reminded me of the time when my mom was going out to meet someone that she met on a dating app, and it was in the earlier times when she started doing this; she had gotten involved with some terrible men in the past, men who catfished her and were rlly vulgar and gross. im sure this was somewhere in June, when i had just posted chapter 1 of the slytherpuff series bc when i was freaking out about the date, i wrote about it in my journal and i know that it was somewhere in June bc i wrote something like “mom is going out to meet someone and im nervous, please please please i hope shes ok and careful, im really nervous and scared, no one likes my writing, mom is probably in danger, oh god oh gosh”. it was just a whole bunch of negative and anxious thoughts, including how i was feeling about the whole situation with chapter 1, so that's how i know it was somewhere in June. anyways, basically i was really scared for my mom bc shes had a bad history with online men and i was scared that someone was gonna kill her. i read and listen to a lot of murder mysteries, so my mind was going absolutely wild. i remember on that day, i went to take a shower after writing that entry in the journal, bc showering makes me feel better. when i stepped into the shower i started crying bc i was really scared for her and i was hoping she was safe and ok but i was just feeling so scared so i was crying and i couldn't stop crying. that was the scary part because i just kept bawling and i couldn't stop like i usually do; my brain said ok that's enough, you’ve cried enough, but my heart just kept going on and on and my brain said ok ok jessica holy jesus that's enough and eventually i sucked it up and was kinda ok afterwards but still sad and numb. that was similar to what had happened about 20 min ago. also im sure i was also sad today bc yesterday, my mom talked to me about in-person college visits, and her demeanor was very rushed and controlling. she said, “ok jessica we’re gonna do the college visits, we’re gonna drive there, and your dad is gonna come home for that. tell him that you need to do that, ok? tell him we do the college visits together.” i said that colleges are doing virtual tours, and her facial expression was very strained, she was like “DO NOT TELL HIM THAT. dont tell him that, ok?!” and she was pointing her finger at me and everything. she said, “tell him we’re going to do the physical college tours, which colleges do you wanna visit??” and she kept telling me not to tell him about the virtual tours. it reminded me of whenever she told me to say this or that to my dad over the phone, and i was upset, like oh great ok so dad’s coming home and i dont even wanna see him bc i dont like him that much, and now im gonna have to lie bc dad is probably gonna already know about the virtual tours and im gonna have to pretend that none of the colleges are doing virtual tours. in essence, today was a terrible day. while i was crying my eyes out when reading the fanfic, i wanted to tell something, i wanted to reach out to lee and jolie, but my brain said that i would burden them, im always telling them about stuff that happens (concerning my family or other stuff) and its probably getting too much for them.  my brain said that they wont be able to help anyway, im still gonna have to deal with the stuff im dealing with, and no one can help. that's a sad thought, it seems so helpless and sad. sometimes i overthink the smallest things, and when i see a text from lee and jolie that doesnt seem “right”, i think, oh gosh they hate me now, why did i have to say that?? i usually see my therapist every Thursday, aka today, but we didnt meet this time bc her schedule is becoming busy so now we’re gonna do it every other week, so next week i shall see her. perhaps she can help. 

thank you for this ask, it seemed so out of the blue bc no one rlly sends asks like this anymore. while writing this, i literally thought to myself, shes like an angel sent from heaven

[shhhhyoursister]

Hey what are you favourite davenzi scenes/moments and what are your favourite Matteo scenes/moments? Hope you’re well!

okay okay okay this has been in my inbox for a lil while and i feel like ive been building up to it but im going to watch some clips and gather some thoughts.....i asked @theyellowcurtains to give me a number limit for each and he said 3 so im gonna do 3 of each otherwise id just write a frame by frame analysis of all of season 3 (im so sorry for how long this post is i have so many thoughts all the time)

im gonna start with matteo moments and im gonna list the season/episode/clip just for clarity okay?? okay (im doing matteo moments that dont include david because i have to go off about that later on)

1. s3ep10cl2- okay okay so the morning after clip is perfect in every single way and i could go off about it for years but beyond all of the davenzi stuff there is the moment when matteo leaves davids room and hes wearing the gray sweater, when laura is dancing??? which is also iconic all on its own but im talking specifically about matteo here, so you know he sits down on that stool thing and hes smiling SO big and hes blushin really hard and then laura sees him and they LAUGH??? and then he claps for her???? if i had to pick id absolutely say that that whole sequence is my fave matteo moment and also kind of interesting and makes me think about the fact that matteo is definitely very shy and quiet but he also has that like,, brat confidence?? i could make an entire post about that but ANYWAY yeah that is the fucking best matteo moment hes so cute and nervous but also totally fine being obvious about the fact that him and david fucked which i think is hilarious but i digress and i MUST move on

2. s3ep8cl2- i do have to say that while im not a HUGE fan of the explanation the video he watched gave of like,, what being trans is, im really glad they included this clip?? like its so obvious that matteo wants to talk to david but doesnt really know what to say, and i love that his first instinct was to start looking stuff up?? like if i was into a cis guy and he told me that he didnt really know about trans stuff but he did RESEARCH?? like thats just really sweet and shows that he really fucking loves david already and just wants to be more informed about what hes,, not to say signing up for but i cant think of a better phrase but yall know what i mean ya know??? its just very very sweet of him!!!!!

3. s3ep8cl4- i think people know about my deep love for hans so of course this clip is going to be one of my favorites?? im going to narrow it down a bit though because the part of this clip that hit me the fucking hardest was when hans asks “what do you like about him?” because the way matteo reacts is just?? so sweet?? at first he looks a little unsure but then when hans repeats himself matteo licks his lips and goes “well, i love his smile” like????? is that not the cutest fucking shit?? he literally swoons and collapses back into the chair cause hes probably imagining it and then he goes off about it being “beautiful” with david and im sure hans is trying not to cry?? and hans ending it with “thats the only thing that really matters, everything else is secondary” and matteo going “thats true” and then laughing a little bit?? i feel like that whole thing was a bit of a turning point for matteo and wow i am,,, so emotional about it

oh my god im so sorry im going off but im about to go off more cause,,, im gonna talk about davenzi moments now

1. s3ep10cl1- okay im just gonna start strong even though i feel like everyone talks about this clip i REALLY wanna talk about it because??? the fact that they showed a fucking sex scene between a trans boy and a gay cis boy is still so fucking iconic and legendary?? while this whole season really changed my life, this scene in particular is so.......it just feels so good to see. like its so nice watching that and seeing someone who looks like me ya know?? not that i look like david god i wish i was that lucky but like,, someone wearing a binder?? someone whos body looks more like mine than any other trans rep ive seen?? and seeing that body being portrayed as DESIRABLE??? i think thats one of the things that gets me the most is just how like,, just how much matteo is into david lol it just feels good feels organic but im gonna stop myself here before i talk for 1000 years about a less than 4min long clip lmao

2. s3ep10cl4- okay so this clip really just highlights the cute beginning flirting stages of their relationship?? like matteo doesnt want to host the party but then he sees david and smiles and then hes smiling like a fool when he hands david the beanie back and theyre both just so awkward but obviously crushing?? and he wants to keep talking so of course hes gonna bring up the time they hung out, and he looks a lil shocked after david says “it was cool with you” and then he like,, stutters through inviting him to the party cause hes probably so nervous!!! theyre both just such big losers with such BIG crushes on each other its really just the cutest fucking clip and also kinda shows that david isnt necessarily just this,, cool dude?? hes also a stuttery blushy dork with a crush?? wow wow its just such a good underrated clip WOW

3. s3ep9cl7- okay okay okay okay okay im sure there are like lenghty analyses about this clip already but i dont care because holy FUCK??? something i didnt really notice about it before was once matteo finally goes up to david hes like “are you fucking serious” but then he sees that david is fuckin spiraling so his voice gets softer and he asks him like “hey whats wrong” and its just a really good set up to the conversation?? and its nice to see that despite matteo probably being kinda angry hes mostly just worried about david?? and then matteo just lets david go OFF at him and only talks when hes trying to tell him that it isnt going to be the same as it was last time but then once he sees that david is getting angrier and louder hes like okay how am i going to get him to listen so of course matteo, the quietest boy in the world, yells back!!!! and yeah thats the thing that finally stops david from working himself up!! and matteo realizes that hes gonna need to be a lil loud and pushy to make david listen to him and then he goes back to being soft once david is paying attention to him!!! and then he talks and he says so much, like much more than he usually does at one time, and god GOD the way they did that was jsut so GOOD!!!!! and the fact that matteo, who appears to be either depressed or apathetic like 90% of the season, is the one that says i love you first??? and during such an emotional and important moment like?? like after going off about how david isnt alone and that hes really great and jsut needs to stop hiding himself away LIKE???? guys its jsut so so good its just so good i could talk for years but im gonna cut myself off here

honorable mentions cause i cant shut the fuck UP:

1. when theyre looking at davids sketchbook and david is like “these are private actually all of them are private” and matteo is like “well you already showed them to me it doesnt matter” and then he giggles like damn no question why david had such a huge crush on him immediately hes such a cutie

2. “its not a girl”

3. ill just say the whole cuddle clip?? the tender/feral dichotomy?? absolutely *chefs kiss* just fucking perfect

4. THE FIRST KISS??? also gotta say i noticed something for the first time the other night but matteo SMILES and i hadnt seen it before its right after david says “i bet i can hold my breath longer than you” and then the angle changes and he smiles before holding his breath and it killed me when i saw it whoops

5. final shout out along the same lines as ^^ that one but just?? anytime matteo smiles?? fills me with serotonin. the smile in the final clip right before david runs over to kiss him?? the smiles when hes fuckin around with the boys?? every single lil nervous crushy smile with david??? i could go on but im going to stop this now before i say any more this is already too long

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

[thedeadflag]

G!P characters aren't necessarily trans, it seems pretty offensive that just because they share the same genital configuration as trans people (sometimes temporarily) do, that they should be deemed trans. There is so much more to being a trans person, especially the identity struggle that is just not in these characters.

You’re literally thisclose to understanding. 

There is absolutely more to being trans than our typical genital configuration at birth. You don’t need to tell me that, I’m a trans woman, I know this intrinsically.

When it comes to the g!p trope, he’s some major points of what we know:

It became a known, if rare trope as trans porn started taking off in the late 80s and early 90s. As trans porn became more popular, it also became more prevalent in wlw fandom, solidifying its presence in the late 90s/early 00s, making a bit of a jump in popularity when the a/b/o trope took off during the height of the Supernatural fandom.

As a trope, its sexual content heavily mirrors the core elements of trans porn. It doesn’t deviate from that framework. 

The g!p characters overwhelmingly possess the major aspects of transmisogynistic stigmas that get passed off as erotic taboo elements for people who aren’t us. The same things that amplify the cis gaze’s taboo fantasy gets us abused, exploited, hurt, isolated, and killed.  

I could go on for a few hours on everything that makes g!p function as a trope, but I’ll limit myself and leave you those to chew on. You can look through my archived posts for some more detail on the nuances and specifics if you want.

But here’s what we also know:

Trans women are the overwhelming majority of women with penises. We’re virtually the only women with penises that cis people and trans people alike have come across in any form of media content. 

This means that we are the framework worked off of when people think of women with penises, and we are the ones affected by media representation of women with penises.

When people create media including women with penises, the penis generally exists in that content as a vehicle for a variety of desires. When a marginalized person is desired for various physical aspects of themselves, with the substance of their character, their lived experiences, their diversity all tossed away? That is called fetishization.

Your argument breaks down to be essentially that because people fetishize trans women’s bodies and create media content through that fetishized lens, that those g!p characters aren’t necessarily trans, because there’s more to being trans than those fetishized parts of us. It’s an argument that fetishized caricatures of marginalized people aren’t necessarily those marginalized peoples.

It’s a very cart-before-the-horse surface level perspective. Think of all the harmful media stereotypes out there and ask yourself if people shouldn’t be upset about them because they clearly don’t reflect the reality and complexity of the people they’re negatively representing.

Let’s take the well known character of Jame Gumb/Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. Hannibal Lecter, at one point, remarks that Jame isn’t a trans woman. But every frame of Buffalo Bill’s existence in that film works to play on transmisogynistic stereotypes. Every single scene with that character sends the message that trans women are delusional, dangerous sexual predators. But since an authoritative character claims Buffalo Bill isn’t trans, am I supposed to declare the film free of transmisogynistic representation? 

What about Rocky Horror Picture Show? Again, the main villain is an amalgamation of all the common transmisogynistic stigmas at that period in time, fused into a single murderous, rapist, alien entity. We also know the creator of RHPS considers (in the nicest light it can be stated) trans women to be cross dressing ‘third sex’ individuals, not actual women, and doesn’t believe anyone assigned one binary gender can actually be the other binary gender. But apparently, since it doesn’t explicitly say Frank N Furter is a trans woman, it’s not a problem? It’s not transmisogynistic representation?

No. Media literacy has taught us enough to know that there’s tremendous transmisogyny afoot in those two cases. 

So there’s parallels with g!p, obviously. You get a lot of folks literally removing part of a trans woman’s experience and playing around with it and experimenting with it through people who aren’t explicitly trans women. They’re treating trans women as a collection of ideas and kink potential to be picked apart like a berry patch instead of real human beings. Even if they say it’s not a trans woman, the result of their effort is a character that is all the fetishized trans woman elements, often a fair bit of the stigmatized elements, minus all the meaningful experiences. If I carve a pumpkin and empty all the insides out of it, and put a candle in there, it’s still a pumpkin. A Jack o Lantern, sure, but still a 100% pumpkin.

And that’s bound to happen. It’s inescapable.

I mean, when 99% of cis folks don’t understand how trans women tend to be sexually intimate… when they don’t understand what dysphoria is and how it works and how it can affect us physically and emotionally…when they don’t understand almost any of our lived experiences…then they’re not going to be able to accurately portray us even if they wanted to.

And I’ve read enough G!P fics where authors wrote those as a means of trying to add trans rep. but because they didn’t understand us at all, it wasn’t remotely representative, and it was entirely fetishistic.

So while the g!p trope was built on the foundation of trans women’s fetishization, and all such characters are inherently and implicitly trans women if not explicitly, they absolutely don’t reflect our realities, whether because of a lack of understanding, or an overriding fetish, or a cissexist & fetishistic mix-and-match approach, or what have you.

It is trans fetishization, it is transmisogyny, and they are erasing us through these works by overwhelmingly flooding the market with misinformation and messaging that ultimately does come back to bite us in the form of sexual violence, community exclusion, enhanced cissexism, .

Because it’s late and I’m exhausted after working and commuting, I’ll cut things a bit short and I’ll quote trans guy user SynthDicks here on his take on Mpreg a ways back, which was very on point and relevant to this discussion

like… you cant write about pregnant men in a way thats divorced from trans men. writing about one way in which bodies adjacent to trans manhood are sexy or fun or desirable, while writing some complicated world in which the rest of the ways trans male bodies are characterised are done away with is creepy and transphobic. all it means is that both bits of the revulsion/fetishisation complex that trans bodies are placed under happens at the same time …

and using trans manhood purely for a pregnancy arc- erasing all the experiences that come from being a trans man- for the purpose of focusing on that one aspect of trans bodies is dehumanising and fetishising. its a fetishisation of trans bodies and a revulsion at trans experiences. these arent opposing statements. theyre the same statements

I really, truly hope you’re a little closer to understanding how this all works after all this rambling. If I had the energy to make a properly structured and cohesive post, I would, but alas. 

[ghostcrows]

Skee Possum Ghostcrows’s analysis of the film Lady Bird which i watched in my english class and want to talk about to someone starts Now. nobody asked and i delivered ;)

it’s not like i think it was super groundbreaking or anything but it just made me think. films that make you go hmm

will tag as long post but i am not putting it under a cut sorry

first i’ll talk about things i didn’t like because i like to end on positive notes

cons:

- very straight. very heterosexual. there’s a gay guy in it and he’s actually treated fairly well, though we don’t delve deep into his story, but watching lady bird go to town on guys was an unpleasant experience that luckily the screen being too dark saved me from the worst of

i understand WHY they did it, it’s a coming of age sort of story, she’s learning and leaning into her sexuality, that’s fine, but i’m hopelessly heterophobic so i can’t help but detract points for this

- the ending was way too abrupt....i didn’t expect to see lady bird’s entire life story unfold but i feel like we needed at least a scene or two more to end on a note that didn’t feel so lacking...i kind of get it though like not everything is perfect loose-ends tied and we don’t get to see everything all the time but...it felt lacking.

- i don’t like that she went back to using the name christine. maybe it’s just the transed in me but i thought her asserting this name, this identity that she carved for herself, was really cool, and i can see how it might be considered her being “ashamed” of her name or her trying to be someone she isn’t, but....it was clearly special to her. it just. it would have been more powerful, i think, to me at least, for her to keep the name lady bird. it’s an interesting name

- speaking of her name, we never really get to know why she goes by lady bird. maybe i missed something, but i don’t think we do. i would have liked to know what significance that name had to her. maybe it was like, the dream of flying far away like a bird, that sort of thing, how birds symbolize freedom and all that. maybe that’s part of why she went back, when she realized her town wasn’t all bad. but still. just personally i think she shouldn’t have gone back to christine

neutral things:

- it was kind of weird how she was talking to that guy at a party about not believing in god. i kind of got the impression that the catholic church had made her disillusioned. it’s not necessarily bad that she still had faith (or seemed to based on that conversation), it’s just strange. maybe that was to show how she was thinking back on and regretting being so cold to her surroundings? still.

- not so 2000′s it’s sickeningly in your face but it was just 2000′s enough lmao. like, the bell bottom jeans and the flip phones and just the all around vibe...yeah

- i felt kind of bad watching lady bird leave julie to try and get in with jenna and kyle and their crowd. she didn’t seem like the type to do something like that. i can kind of understand though, peer pressure and all. and she went back in the end, so she did learn her lesson, which is good

- sometimes she would start to make a point to her mom or the church like she was stickin it to em, like the abortion assembly, but then she swerved and ended it weird. like she had us in the first half i’m not gonna lie lmfao

good things/noteworthy things:

- i thought the shots were pretty good. i mean, i don’t know a lot about the technical aspects of film (despite spending two years of high school in AVTF) but it just looked good, the colors looked good, they made sacramento look really gorgeous. which really made you ask, why does she hate it here of all places? “wrong side of the tracks” my ass...

but see, i can still understand that. i think that, when you find yourself in a bad position in life, when you’re going through a rough time, you tend to lash out on your surroundings. i did that myself with my own hometown. sometimes i still do. i think it’s a boring, stagnant place and on my worst days i think it’s a literal hellhole. but it’s not, really. i’m the hellhole. the hellhole is me. and that’s why it was a shock for her when she went to new york and kind of just did the same reckless things she was doing before. it doesn’t matter where you go, you can’t escape your problems just by moving to a different place. you can’t leave your brain in your hometown and fly a hundred miles away and be happy. you have to work on you first. a change of scenery might help but ultimately, you gotta fix you

- i found it contradictory to me in that it was really relatable while also being pretty unrelatable. when i look at lady bird as a character, i see myself. but not all of myself. not even myself as i am now. more like a piece of myself. a piece thats still in me but that largely got left behind in high school. which makes sense bc thats where she is during the course of the film

i found it relatable in just, the ways they showed the audience the experience of being an adolescent afab person. not completely, but in a lot of ways. i saw my ninth and tenth grade cis girl self a lot. 

what was unrelatable was mostly the way that while i sat around and daydreamed about being this rebellious teenager sticking it to the world, she actually went out and did it. it’s like seeing an image of who i might have been, had i acted out on my desires. and i’m not saying i wish i had done that or that i’m glad i didn’t. it’s just an observation more than anything. it’s like, my wild girl self if she had “flourished” (if you can call it that, and yeah she wasnt TOTALLY wild but like. the amount of wild, the amount of fun and rebellious that i’d wanted to be then)

- the way they talk about sex is very real, which i like. it’s funny and not too prudish or too vulgar (though i dont really have standards for too vulgar lmao). that was just cool

- i’m glad that danny was a character. yeah he was just a side dude and they didn’t touch on him being gay in depth but they didn’t really need to? like. i’m just glad it was the way it was. he didn’t die or get punished or have everyone turn against him, he just upset lady bird because he was pretty much cheating and her feelings for him had been more real than his for her. she tried to use it as an insult briefly but i don’t think it was out of real animosity, just being hurt because she’d felt betrayed. and when he broke down and cried and she stood there and held him that almost made me tear up in class oops

- this is a big huge one. the way lady bird and her mother’s relationship operated was so. SO fucking resonant with me. and i wish it wasn’t. it’s like looking in a mirror and hating what you see. i’m glad i saw it, but i hate that it’s true to me too. y’know?

the way her mother is constantly overly criticizing and making comments towards her and lady bird tries to defend herself or come back at her, the way she subtly (or overtly) suggests that lady bird will never amount to anything great and she should just settle for mediocrity

the way her mom refuses to speak to her when she’s begging her to just say something, anything to her

the way her mom acts when she takes her to the airport

the way she shames her for being financially dependent on her and assumes that she’s ungrateful when she’s just. frustrated with the situation (i understand why her mom feels that way, i understand why MY mom feels that way. but you still can’t make your kid feel like shit for costing so much to raise when they didn’t ask to be born lmao...) the scene where she says “give me a number. give me a number so when i get rich i’ll pay you back and more and never have to speak to you again” and her mom’s reply that she’ll probably never get that far? that was so real it KILLED me. that was EXACTLY something that would happen between me and my mom

and oh . ohhhhhh my god. when she’s in the changing rooms and her mom can’t come up with a nice thing to say about her dresses...and lady bird says “do you like me”

“lady bird, i love you”

“yeah....but...do you like me.”

and her mom had nothing to say

that was PAINFUL. PAINFUL...because that’s...the way i feel with my mom too

- the way that financial stress can bring emotional turmoil to an entire family was really resonant as well, which ties into that last part. i could understand her parents’ struggles and sympathize with them, but i still leaned towards siding with lady bird because while yeah she was kind of extra sometimes, and she tried to act like she was one of the rich kids bc she was ashamed, and i get how that would hurt her parents....overall she was just. frustrated with the situation. frustrated with her relationship with her mother, frustrated with her school, afraid she might not get where she wants to be, CONSTANTLY discouraged by her family and told to aim lower....whatsa girl ta do yknow?

- i loved that lady bird went to prom with julie. it was really sweet. and it’s a reach and a half but bisexual lady bird confirmed

- i think ultimately its good that she kind of realized, oh...yknow...maybe its not the town i hated. i think i actually quite like my hometown. it was just my situation. and there’s a lot about sacramento that i can appreciate. i think that was good. BUT i don’t think it should end with her going back and settling just because she made that realization. you can come to that conclusion that maybe things weren’t so bad with the place you lived, without giving up completely and moving back home. i don’t like the implication that she was wrong to want more, wrong to change her name, wrong to try and carve a place and a name for herself in the world. i don’t like the idea that her family was right all along. and it doesn’t end outright saying that, it ends super abruptly and is up to interpretation, but i really like to think she made it in new york. or at least that she made it somewhere. and that maybe her relationship with her mom got better with time. it’s what i hope for me and my mom too

and i think that’s it. thanks for listening if you liked this video smash that like button smash that subscribe button and hit the little bell so you never miss a notification. until next time!

[viperssvenom]

Slept over baby boy’s Friday and Saturday. I wasn’t supposed to sleep over but I got to and I’m so happy I did. Friday night we watched some basketball, cuddled, and talked about my blog. I also let him go through my notes and bby boy found the note with all of my dreams and he saw the 4/19/17 one. We talked about it for a while, and then he said I love you first. I almost actually cried lmao. he said it again when we were kissing and said how good it felt to say it, and I agreed, I love you so much baby boy. He also told how he knew he loved me from the day we went to Bella and when he walked me home and I called him to make sure he was okay. After talking about that, I showed him some of my blog. I told him up to the picture of us and he went like two posts past that lmaoooo. AHHH he also read my notes for him, w/ the list of why he’s the bestest and he read what I wrote about him “settling” and he told me he wasnt just “setting” for me. He told me that even if he was, he wouldn’t want to be with anyone else anyways. I don’t remember much of what else happened, but I think we just went to sleep after that. I love sleeping next to baby boy so much 😭. I love that whenever we sleep together we have to hold hands, not just one, but both hands lmao. I also love waking up next to him, it feels so nice lol. But when we woke up, the first thing we did was watch get out. The movie wasn’t as good as it was hyped up to be, and it was a lot funnier than it was scary, but it’s categorized as horror??!? but then, we watched Star Wars: ep VII with Philip, and it was a pretty good movie. Finally met bb-8 tho, he’s (??) so cute lmao. But we fell asleep during the middle of the movie :) I was out like a light lmaoo. But when I woke up we finished watching Star Wars, then we went to get Wendy’s and I swear it wasn’t raining when we were walking to Wendy’s, but it definitely was raining when we were walking back. lmao, ray if you’re reading this, I’m not taking that back! Love you thooo. We went outside for a while after he got Philip into bed. I could tell he was upset, so I just hugged him and let him talk when he was ready. I’m not going to lie, it was hard for me to listen to him because I wanted/ want to help and i didn’t know how to. For now, the most I can do is keep baby boy calm when I can, and talk to Philip and check up on him when I can. Saturday night, we went to sleep very late again lmao. baby boy gave me space to do my homework, so I worked on that until like 1 am. After that, baby boy suggested to practice dancing, and I refused bc I cannot dance lmaoo, so then he asked me what I wanted to do and I suggested a scary movie, but he didn’t want to watch one 😭😭 but then I remembered he said we would watch a Jenna marbles’ video, so thats what we did. He still didn’t laugh as much, smh. but after that, he also still didn’t want to watch a scary movie, so I asked him what he wanted to do and he said go through his tag 😭😭 but I let him anyways lmao. I told him not to comment on anything, and he did anyways lmao. basically he said he felt the same for most of what I wrote. and idk, it just feels nice to have finally shown him, but at the same time very embarrassing lmao. After he read everything, he went through his tag again and commented on stuff esp parts where I talked down on myself. But before that, I’m pretty sure we talked about him overthinking, and how he worries that maybe we’re just getting along because he’s my first and that he’s afraid someone might come along and do it better. But, I just want him to know that I love him so much for reasons I can’t explain. I just love him for him, maybe one day I will be able to explain it though, because I want him to know why I do. and there is no one on this earth that I would rather be with, spend my weekends with, walk around town for closed ice cream shops, FaceTime late at night, and sleep next to. After talking about his insecurities, we talked about mine, most importantly my stomach. He told me my body is beautiful, and I know he thinks that and wants me to remember that, and I will remember that, but I want to be able to accept my body without needing other people’s opinions about it and needing other people to compliment me for me to feel good about myself. Bc I was sitting facing him, he laid me down and pulled my shirt up to show me that my stomach was literally nothing, I still don’t feel like it’s nothing, but I have been feeling better about it since. Also, he had his hand on my stomach when he said it, and it felt nice. I love whenever he puts his hands on my stomach or my back, it just feels really nice lmaoo. but then after that we both agreed not to talk about poopy stuff anymore so he suggested dancing again and I told him I would dance if it was on the couch, so we danced while sitting on the couch lmaooo. he let me play my music so I played some songs off of digital druglord, ballerina by belly, some of his songs of choice, and then cherry hill by russ 👀😜 LMAO. towards the end of the song we started to kiss and then it got pretty intense (in a good way). he felt my boobs and kept asking me if it was okay and I told him yes everytime, but he was still nervous lmao. At first it did feel weird bc it was new for the both of us lmaooo. but after a while I got used to it and it felt nice, mostly bc I love having his hands on me. he told me like twice to move my hands lmaoooooo, I didnt want to move them because I didnt want to let go of him lmao. but he laid me down a few times and each time he did, I could feel how fast his heart was beating, I was going to point it out but I didnt because I didnt want to ruin the moment, plus I love listening to his heart beat, esp when we’re just chilling. But anywayss, yeah so we were getting pretty into it and at one point he lifted up my shirt and asked me if it was okay, I said yes and then he proceeded to kiss my boobs lol, it was nice but also awkward, so we just laughed it out lmao. but thats basically what we did for like 45 minutes lmaoo. During that time though, he also kept asking me how far and I didnt know what to say, and I still dont lmao, but he said that sex was not an option and honestly I am relieved he clarified that lmao. But after that, I sat on his lap again and then we talked about how we might not get that kind of chance again because its going to be harder to slip away and sleep over his house once ate is outtie :(. But then we went to sleep, and all I can remember is laying on top of him and then falling asleep like that and then sometime in between that switching back to our normal position lmao. Last night when we were talking about consent and everything, he told me how he wanted to be transparent about everything between us, and I appreciate it so much. like he’s not afraid to talk about anything with me, and I wish it was as easy for me to talk to him about things as it is for him to talk to me. Also bby boy said how he thinks there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, regarding his tag, but uhhh it’s pretty corny sooo yaah also, he commented on the post where I said he is out of my league and told me it was the other way around, but false because he’s too lovely  he also said how he’s considered dating me even before Matt’s party, but like I can’t imagine why before Matt’s party bc I don’t think id ever really spent time with him before then

On Sunday morning though, I woke up to him holding my face and also felt him trying to hold my hands. I also love when he does that because I love knowing he’s there even if I am already laying down next to him. he asked me what the best part of waking up was and I said I don’t know and he said waking up next to me 😭😭😭 I don’t remember what else happened but I remember him asking to send himself some posts so I let him and he said that he’d consider starting to write stuff too. When he was going through my blog, he saw the post about the phone call from when we went to the diner, and he said how he did say “love you” 😭😭 ALSO HE COMMENTED ON THE POST WHERE I SAID HIS VOICE IS SEXY LMAOO and then teased me about the abs post, boy I should have never posted it lmaooo. but then we chilled for a little bit, and watched one punch man, and I got hungry before we were supposed to leave so I asked to eat and we made lo mein, and ah the asian jokes will never get old lmaoo. but we ate and watched some more Star Wars. while we were eating though I saw him picking at his thumb and I saw how bad it was (the worst I have seen it yet) and I got worried and tried to get him to stop but he said he does it whenever he’s stressed, so I left him to it for a little bit, but then he kept picking at it more and I got upset and tried not to stress but got really sad when he said it was time to go home, I don’t know why but those words just triggered something to make me really sad, not about going home but more of leaving baby boy. he pulled me into the kitchen and I couldn’t pull myself to tell him what was on my mind. I told him we should start going, but he said he wasn’t moving until I told him so we just stood there in each other’s arms for a while. and I tried to go into the living room again, but he sat down and pulled me to him so we just stayed there for a while again. But I still couldn’t tell him, so I went into the living room and I got my stuff ready and put the dishes in the sink and walked over to baby boy again. He got up tho bc I tried to walk away again and told him that it was nothing, but then he told me that I was killing him by not telling him and that hurt me a little so I hugged him and he let me write out what was bothering me, which was his thumb and how it just felt like a minor form of self harm to me. But he told me that it was nothing to worry about and how its been like that since he could remember, but it still worries me. after we got that over with though, we starting walking to my house. I still think my way is faster but imma let bby boy rock lmaoo. but we got to mcquillan and I still didnt want to leave him but he’s going to be outtie at the end of this week and I will get to see him on Friday so I feel a little better about that. but that was my weekend, pretty much a rollercoaster of everything lmao. 

oo also, he also pointed out how I called him baby boy on my posts even before we established it lmaoooo oops also there was a point before we talked about our insecurities where we talked about uuuuhhhhhhhhhh (forgotti what I was going to say) oo, but we do pretty much have our handshake down tho, its litttyy also going through his phone was really nice. to see that he saves legit every picture he takes of me/ we take together lmao he said he could tell I was dreaming, but honestly I can’t remember lmaooo walked me home, when I got home, I jumped into bed and hugged my body pillow. closed my eyes for a few and thought I was still at baby boys :/ he also plays with my earrings, I don’t know why or how but it makes me happy lmao Also I love looking into his eyes just bc their beautiful lmao ahhhh we also talked about college difficulties, like how its going to be a lot harder to see each other but he said we would figure it out and said he’d even take the train for me :// also every time I say “ow” he apologizes even tho like he knows he only “hit” me lightly, idk why but I think its funny lmao he’s only “thi” lmaooo also baby boy wrote his own <3 lol i shall go into further detail in other post, maybeee….  baby boy also made sure that we didnt go to sleep without saying I love you to each other <3 after crying about myself baby boy kissed me and I told him how he had just kissed snot and idk it was just really cute because he would literally do anything/ risk anything just to kiss me when he can lmao also there was a point when ray walked downstairs shirtless and I looked up and it was awkward bc he just goes “hey” and was like “hi” but in my head I was going “asdfghjjk oooo dsddyy ???!!!!!!! 👀👀” LMFAOOO Im going to get teased about this too when he reads this 😭 baby boy also pointed out the old spice post lmfaooo. And then he also pointed out the “you feel like home” post and when we were hugging, he said “this is home” 😢😢😢😢😢 after we told each other I love you, baby boy was like if I had known this all along I would have checked your phone a long time ago 😭

I love you so so much baby boy

[legos-lass]

@astrolindsey​ u dont have to read all of this youre my fiance and ik you love me already

1. Favorite (Reprise)

honestly part of your old (reprise) from the little mermaid (alan menken) just THOSE HIGH NOTES MMM. i love theres a fine fine line (reprise) from avenue q cuz its adorable but it is like two lines so.

2. already answered

3. If you could go back in time to see a certain production, which one would it be?

AMERICAN IDIOT WHEN BILLIE WAS ST. JIMMY. NO EXPLANATION NEEDED.

4. Who should write a musical?

i would watch the shit out of an existentialist comedic musical written by bo burnham. hes so hilarious and his songs are so catchy sjiowehefhe.

5. The routine you recreate when home alone:

every. part. of. one. day. more. from. les. mis. simultaneously.my bio used to be something like “my main hobby is recreating all eight parts of one day more by myself” and it is still true. but also hello! from bom but it fails miserably because i try to act out all the parts oof ouch.

6. A duet you’d love to perform and with whom.

if you were gay from avenue q with me as rod and john tartaglia as nicky. now hear me out ik john is supposed to be rod and rick lyon is supposed to be nicky but 1. rod is like My Role™ and as much as i also love rick, john was my fave member of the obc and ik he can do different voices well so...yeah hes gonna be nicky now so i can sing with him.

7. A musical everyone can learn from.

here we go again but avenue q. wowie zowie i like went through a midlife crisis the first time i listened to it but for now actually? changed? my? life? and everyones a little bit racist i mean cmon read my bio. theres so much about it that is so useful even if it seems a bit pessimistic. also elder price from bom learning to use his mission to actually help others and not just to be treated really well if heaven is some good shit but avenue q wins cuz i wasnt religious to begin with.

8. already answered

9. Favorite person to play (insert role)

okay well im gonna fill this in myself and say elder price and say MY BOY THE ETERNALLY PERFECT NIC ROULEAU I CANT BELIEVE I GOT TO SEE HIM ON BROADWAY AND MEET HIM!!!

10. Best digital #ham4ham

uhhhh well like i said in my last post i dont like hamilton really so i have no idea what this means sorry

11. Make up a name and the ingredients for a Waitress pie.

okay well ive only just started listening to waitress and im not nearly as creative with names (or passive aggressive with them) as jenna but uh i really like chocolate pie but ive never seen a nutella one so. yeah that sounds delicious. the name would be something about remington leith idk.

12. already answered

theres no 13 i guess cuz it is unlucky lmao

14. Express your love for the orchestras!

*inhales* GOD THE ORCHESTRA JUST MAKES THE MUSICAL. GO LISTEN TO ANY SONG FROM LES MIS AND TRY NOT TO GET CHILLS FROM THE INSTRUMENTALS I DARE YOU.

15. Favorite musical written by (insert composer, lyricist)

well lynz youre a FOOL and didnt send me a composer or lyricist so im just gonna reiterate that i love les mis it has been my favorite musical for so many years and i cant believe that my friend ryan saw it on broadway and i didnt.

16. Which part (or parts) do you sing in One Day More?

but especially my love eponine

17. A line that never fails to make you laugh.

runs to get my official avenue q script that i spent $20 on to make sure i get the line perfectly right

rod: well--i have this friend--

christmas eve: nicky?

r: no no--another friend. and i think he has a very big problem. i think--ithink my friend is (whispers) gay

ce: what wrong with that? you know rod. gay people make major contribution ro art and philosophy and literature for many hundreds of years now

r: but my friend isnt an artist--hes a republican. and an investment banker.

ce: ew. well tell him to stay in closet then. he good for nothing.

r: (a moment) ...well okay! great! thanks for the advice!

ce: yeah i wouldnt want a friend like that!

r: thanks again!

ce: bye now (she goes inside)

rod: bye bye! (beat. to the audience) ...shit.

18. An upcoming production you’re excited for.

DEAR EVAN HANSEN US TOUR

19. Do you have any funny misheard lyrics from a showtune?

yknow im sure i do but i cannot think of any right now...all i can think of is i used to think (on my own) “the trees are full of starlight” was “the tree’s are fluff’s delight” i have no idea what that means but it made sense to my young mind

20. A musical you would NEVER see with your parents.

avenue q. hahahahahahaha no puppet sex with rebecca and michael. but lets be honest my mum wants to go back to the city to see it off broadway since only i got to see it and if shes gonna buy me a ticket im totally seeing it again idc.

21. Musicals can introduce you to new cultures, interests, fancy words and so on. Name 3 things you’ve learned form musicals.

bom: literally everything i know about the church of jesus christ of latter day saints is from this musical except for polyamory and salt lake city.

hamilton: alexander was NOT a president. i really dont care about us history whoops

les mis: I Learned Im Not Straight Because Of Samantha Barks

22. Favorite OBC.

avenue q mmmmm love u john tartaglia

23. Cast recording you know by heart.

les mis movie sountrack i literally have like 98% of this musical memorized

24. Cast recording for a long car ride.

grease (movie soundtrack) is a bop and my whole family likes it *fingerguns*

25. Favorite Miscast performance.

i havent listened to too many and ik this one doesnt really count but idc cuz i love it. nic rouleau singing go the distance from hercules is my sexuality.

26. already answered

27. Showtune of the day:

im gonna go with two by two from bom cuz im listening to it right now and suidfuesrf it just kills me -the fucking chicken waddling walk ass choreography -WE ARE THE ARMY OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST oflatterdaysaints -ORLANDOOOOO I LOVE YA ORLANDOOOO -PUTT putt golfINGGGGG -arnold: thats me thats me hello. kevin: oh. hi! in the most fucking “:)” voice ever

28.  Who would play you in a musical about your life?

i would hope samantha barks (les mis 25th anniversary and movie eponine) cuz we have similar ranges and shes so beautiful and she is my Favorite Theatre Actress

29. Who would play your best friend in a musical about your life?

im gonna go with dana steingold (ave q current kate/lucy) really for no other reason than shes adorable and has a versatile voice and seems really sweet. i feel like we would be friends in real life.

30.  Who would play your romantic interest in a musical about your life?

honestly like maybe ben durocher (ave q current princeton/rod)? idk he just has a voice that i love and looks adorable in his glasses

31. already answered

32. Describe yourself with 3 musical theatre characters.

eponine from les mis (what a surprise), kate monster from avenue q, sophie from mamma mia

33. A character that inspires you to be better. (does la la land count? im counting it) mia from la la land cuz she has a similar personality to me but less Anxiety which ends up helping her achieve her dream. i want to be like that

34. A showtune that always puts you in a good mood. bend and snap from legally blonde idk it’s just so fun and makes me feel confident it is nice

35. A showtune that makes you feel melancholic. there are worse things i could do from grease

36. Best showstopper. i believe from bom oh my gosh when i heard nic rouleau sing it live for the first time i had GOOSEBUMPS and it has just the right amount of humor to bootedit: OH JUST KIDDING LOVE U BOM BUT DEFINITELY BEING ALIVE FROM COMPANY OH Y GOD. I CANT CHOOSE BETWEEN NEIL PATRICK HARRISS’ VERSION AND RAUL ESPARZA’S THEY BOTH GIVE ME SHIVERS

37. A place you consider to be your Santa Fe. this must be from a musical i havent seen? idk well it looks really beautiful and not very busy so i guess...oakland? it feels like home to me

38. The name of the prettiest theater you’ve been to. eugene o’neill theatre (bom on broadway) was lovely. i had standing room only tickets so i didnt really get to experience it cuz i was stuck in the back under the mezzanine (still great view though) but i looked around a bit during intermission and the was very royal looking and they had a nice bar area upstairs with CHAIRS I COULD USE

39. The most intense scene from a musical. mmm thats tough. from the little ive seen of moulin rouge so far the tango de roxanne part looks really crazy. so is the cell block tango from chicago. or honestly a LOT of american idiot...i love how badass letterbomb is

40. A great cover of a showtune: i really love this male cover of maybe this time from cabaret (i found this thanks to hetalia 2p!america fanart lmao)

41. Put your phone on suffle and write the first 2 showtunes that appear. 1. master of the house from les mis (10th anniversary)2. mamma mia from mamma mia (original cast)

42. Best design of a Playbill. i love effective minimalism so once