#its ok eventually she caused an even bigger one anyways despite her best efforts

[arolesbianism]

I am being bewitched by the random card au once more. I <3 inventing more and more ways to ruin characters lives with magic bullshit I pulled out of my ass

[junkratsloverat]

22 and Cullen from the kiss prompts? (toogay)

22.  a kiss that is leading to more, but is interrupted by a third party

this is such a cute idea, tysm @toogayforthistoday​!! :3 sorry for taking so long, i got distracted by the ovw event and getting the new emote for jamie lol

i’ve had a college au in my head for a long time now, and this is the first time i’ve written for it; hopefully it’s ok sjkdhfsldfs

length: 8563 characters ; 1570 words

warnings: gets a little steamy ｜−・;） nothing explicit tho!

[ more kisses! ]

     “...it’s 72, love.”

     “Right, that’s what I said.”

     “You wrote 82.”

     “No I didn- yeah I did. Dammit.” I mumbled, fixing the mistake. “Why did I do that?”

     Cullen shrugged, leaning over to rest his head on my shoulder. “Come on. What’s the next one?”

     I glanced at the clock beside my bed. We’d been trying to put a dent in my math homework for a solid three hours, but it didn’t feel like any of it was sticking, even with Cullen’s best efforts. Granted trying to study on my bed with our backs against the wall may not have been the best place to try, but my dorm had the quiet of a library without the social anxiety of studying around other people. For a few more hours, anyway.

     I sighed, tucking the finished worksheet inside my notebook and hesitantly taking out the next one. “Do we have to do another one?”

     He considered it, but eventually nodded. “Yeah. One more. But if you promise that we’ll finish the rest tomorrow, it can be the last one. Is that fair?”

     “Okaaay...” I rolled my eyes, which got me a Glare. “Whaaat? I told you I hate this stuff.”

     “It’s still important.” He chided, gently elbowing my side.

     “For you, sure. But I’m majoring in art stuff, I ain’t gonna need this.”

     “But what if you did?”

    “...theeeen my super sweet boyfriend would come help me?”

    He laughed, but immediately turned an adorable shade of pink. “Focus, you. A-and don’t look at me like that! Your puppy eyes are unfair.”

    “Psh — have you seen yours?” I asked, hoping to cover up the heat I felt rushing to my face. “You could get the biggest monsters in the Fade to-”

    Cullen planted a chaste kiss to my cheek, cutting that train of thought before it could get anywhere. “Focus. We’re almost done.”

    “R-right!” I nodded, taking a deep breath. “Focusing. Gotcha.”

    He grinned, kissing my temple. “That’s my girl. You’ve got this; just remember what I taught you.”

    Right. Because I was 100% listening the entire time, and never got distracted by how cute you are. Not once.

    “...why are you staring at me? Is everything ok?”

    I nodded, despite knowing my face was turning a brighter shade of red. “Uh huh. Peachy.”

    He smirked, eyeing me curiously. “Would a kiss for every correct answer be better motivation?”

    The speed at which I turned back to my work and started scrawling numbers down on what was left of my scratch paper must’ve been enough of an answer — thankfully, since I wasn’t sure if I could give him a verbal ‘yes’ without my voice going up an octave and looking like a bigger dork than usual. Cullen’s head came to rest on my shoulder again as he watched, gently nudging me or clearing his throat when I’d mix up my numbers. It would’ve been peaceful, if I didn’t have to do math the entire time...

    It took me close to an hour, but the relief that flowed through me as I passed my notebook to Cullen after I’d finished... almost made it worth it. Watching him go through my answers helped, too — his confused head tilt was almost like a puppy’s, and his occasional looks of surprise were super cute, too.

    “Sooo... how’d I do?”

    He hesitated. “Do you want the good news first? Or the bad news?”

    “Uh... bad?”

    “You still missed five of them-” I groaned, burying my face in his arm “-but I think I know why you did.”

    Thankfully, the revision process was much quicker than my original try. Would what he taught me stick this time? It’s debatable, but I wouldn’t put much money on it.

    “Wait, was that the good news?” I asked after we finished fixing everything. “That you knew what part I got so hung up on?”

    Cullen shook his head. “It was that you had the other 25 right. But now that we fixed them, you got all 30.”

    “...riiiight.”

    We sat in silence for a minute as I put my books in my bag and tossed it back to its resting space by the end of my bed. When my attention turned back to Cullen, he was still watching me — smiling, but also like he was waiting for something.

    “...what?”

    He pouted and tossed one of the plushes from my pillows at me, making us both laugh. “Do you want your 30 kisses or not?”

    “OH. Right. I, uh...”

    “Forgot?”

    “Not ‘forgot!’ I just... was so focused on my homework that-”

    “That you forgot.” He giggled. “Maker’s breath — how would you remember anything without me?”

    “I never did,” I admitted, motioning to the perfectly-made bed across the room. “Ask Josie.”

    Cullen shook his head, but he was still smiling. “Come here.”

    I scooted closer to him, resting against the wall again. I started to cross my legs, but he sat up on his knees and planted himself in my lap before I could. We almost bumped foreheads as his hands landed against the wall behind me, turning us both a nice shade of red.

    “Are we still... good?” I asked hesitantly, tilting my head. “’cause I’m still good. Are you? Still, uh...”

    His face softened, smiling as he cupped my cheek and caressed it with his thumb. “Y-yeah. Just a bit... flustered, that’s all.”

    “Ok, cool. Me too.” I giggled, subconsciously resting against his hand. “Should I, like... count these, or...”

    He nodded, brushing my hair away from my face and kissing my forehead, peppering a few more down the side of my face.

    “Right, ok. So that’s one, two, three...”

    “See?” He grinned, kissing my nose. “You are good at math.”

    I snorted. “Dude, I wish. Five- that counted for five, right?”

    “Uh huh.” He cupped my face with both hands, giving my lips a brief kiss. “And that’s six.”

    He quickly pressed his lips to mine again, only pulling away long enough for me to say the next number before drawing me in for another kiss. One of his hands slowly worked its way behind my head, the other guiding my hands to his shoulders, where they probably should’ve been the entire time.

    The kisses kept getting longer, leaving me less time between them to try and remember what number I was supposed to say next.

    “F-fourteen...” I mumbled as he pulled away from my face to trail a few kisses down my neck, “fifffteen—”

    “I told you she’d want boba!! Why the hell did you buy bubbles?!” questioned an upset Cassandra from the hallway outside our dorm.

    “You called it ‘bubble tea’!” was the muffled response, presumably Sera’s. “What else would I get?”

    The whole ruckus caused us both to almost jump out of our skins; Cullen quickly pulled back and stared at me like a panicked deer. “I thought you said they weren’t supposed to be home until later!” he whispered.

    I shrugged, whispering the best reply I had. “Maybe it is later?”

    “Hannah!!”

    “I’m sorry! My blood ain’t exactly rushin’ to my brain right now!”

    “It’s alright, I bought enough for all of us.” Josie piped up from outside, the group’s voices getting louder as they reached our front door. “Could one of you get the door open for me? And, Sera, you know you can’t drink actual bubbles... don’t you?”

    “Pfft! Only if you’re too scared to try.”

    “Ah, mercy-” I mutter, trying to reach for my bookbag, forgetting I’d tossed it to the floor.

    Cullen shook his head, grabbing a textbook from his backpack, which he thankfully hadn’t thrown across the room... unlike me. “We can use one of mine!”

    “Aye, lovebirds! We brought worms!” Sera announced from the next room, giggling to herself.

    Cassandra groaned. “She means we brought food!”

    “Huh. Nest looks empty. Reckon they’re still here?”

    “They have to be,” Josie replied, sitting down whatever she’d been carrying. “Hannah would’ve texted us if they left.”

    Cullen and I were still scrambling to look like we were studying while the footsteps outside kept getting louder. We barely had sat down beside each other again before Sera knocked twice and opened the door. “They’re back here!!” she yelled over her shoulder before looking us up and down and giggling again. “Lookin’ real warm and cozy, too.”

    “You’re supposed to wait after you knock,” Josie reminded her gently, stepping through the doorway. She didn’t say anything at first, but the smirk on her face gave away that we cut it real close. “How’s the studying going?”

    “It’s good!” I answered a bit too quickly, making Cullen elbow my side. “Real — ow — really good. Got all my math right and everything, heh...”

    “Did you now? Is that why you’re using Cullen’s criminology book?”

    He nodded. “She’s... helping me now! S-so it balances out.”

    “Alright.” Sera cut in, grinning. “Then why’s it upside down?”

    “I- uh-”

    “W-well... we were, um...”

    Cassandra had joined the jury now, leaning against the doorframe and sipping from her own boba cup. I caught her gaze, mentally pleading for help, but she just shrugged. “Don’t let me interrupt you.”

    I turned to Cullen, hoping to find some kind of answers there, but his face was redder than a sunset, and he was biting on the end of a stray pencil he’d picked up from somewhere — looking to me for the exact same thing.

    There was no easy way for us to get out of this one.

[revol-lover]

need to vent.

This weekend was a shit show and I took a mental health day from work today. I promised my husband I wouldn't dwell on the issues of the weekend and I would try to take it easy but I need to let this out, I need to vent. And then I can move forward. Its so important for me to write these things down because I can only be strong for so long before I become weak willed again and let toxic people start their cycle of abuse all over on me. I need to have written reminders of what I’ve gone through to remind myself that I don't deserve this abuse and I need to limit contact.

So as I previously posted, I haven't visited my parents in a couple weeks. They haven't bothered to check in on how I am doing even though I usually visit on weekends. No one checks in on me. I’ve put a shit ton of effort into my relationship with them since getting married (well since forever but especially since moving out, keeping in touch. Its all been one sided effort coming from me). I was legitimately busy and exhausted with everything we have going on, being in my third trimester of pregnancy. I work all week, I have things to do after work nearly every single day of the week except for occasionally one or if I’m very lucky, two days, and most weekdays I work, come home, rest for an hour, make dinner, husband comes home, we eat, then we do errands and things that we have to get done during the week (groceries, laundry, house tidying, tending to the plants at the cemetery, visiting his grandmother, visiting his father at the hospital).

Being pregnant has been for the most part easy for me, and I don't take that for granted. Regardless, I’m still getting bigger and less comfortable, I have to drink a gallon of water a day which is getting difficult. I’m just tired. Most weekdays we arent home from our responsibilities until 7 pm. Then we unwind and spend time together before going to sleep and starting all over again. Therefore, my weekends have become very precious to me, as they should be. And I haven't been feeling up to visiting my parents. I am never invited over. But I’m apparently just expected to make an effort, one they do not make.

Well this weekend was my godmother’s 50th birthday. Her boyfriend wanted to surprise her with birthday cake and have family over. I wasnt sure I’d be up to going but I got suckered into buying the cake because her son had to work and no longer could and her boyfriend was surprising her with this so he couldn't go get it himself. So now I “had” to go. My parents were going so I figured this is fair enough. They will see me. It kills to birds with one stone. Well as I’m standing on my godmother’s porch waiting for them to open the door my parents walk up to the porch. My dad says hello and how have I been doing, before I have time to even properly answer he follows it up with a very bitter sounding “haven't seen you in a LONG time”. He really is trying to give me a guilt trip when he doesnt even text me. He hasn't sent me a text since April 4th and that was a “lol ok” reply to a text I had sent to him trying to make conversation about the baby. He has not called me. He has not been in touch, but he is mad that I have not gone by to visit. So I told him, straight up. “Well, I’ve been busy. My week days are busy, we have had a lot going on and I have been trying to get things done and still relax on the weekends, Oh and I’m pregnant. Also you could text me to check how I am doing and you haven't so. “He of course got mad that I had the nerve to say whats the fucking truth and was like “ I know your pregnant what is that supposed to mean” and then he stuttered angrily on “what do you mean about texting”  (does this even need an explanation? no. he doesnt get in contact with me but expects me to put him first at the busiest time of my life.) but I ignored the rest because my god mom opened the door and I Wasnt about to have an argument on her door step. So I go inside. And he persists the issue. He starts questioning me. “What do you do during the week” “what do you do during the weekend” as if I owe an explanation!!!!!! At this point I was getting flustered because I honestly wanted to fucking tell him off but being a decent person unlike apparently him, I wasnt about to have this conversation at someone’s birthday celebration! If you have problem with me address it at an appropriate time! How hard is that to comprehend. So I quickly listed off that I have been busy working and doing things we need to do to get ready for the baby and also, you know having a midwife appointment once every two weeks, soon every week. I shouldn't have even had to try to defend myself. i don't owe him a breakdown of my schedule and why he doesnt fit in it. Especially when the doesnt try to get in contact with me ever and was so disrespectful in the way he attacked me immediately with a guilt trip. The rest of the dreadful 30 minutes I was there was spent not looking at him or my mom and trying not to talk to them because I just can't do it man. I can't. My mom wasnt as bad as she couldve been but it doesnt matter. He made up for it. The annoying thing she did is, so my little niece was there, she’s 4. I haven't seen her either in a few weeks. So I picked her up. My mom literally SCREAMED “Hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! don't do that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! your stomach!!!!!!!!!!!!” at me as if I am a fucking imbecile or flower petal who can't pick up a SMALL CHILD while I am pregnant. As if I don't know my own limitations. Oh that pissed me off and I told her that its not dangerous for me to pick up my niece and I know what I am able to do. Omfg god though. like seriously does she think I’m not going to pick up and give affection to my first child when my second comes? It was such a stupid thing to have her freak out about. As if she cares. She didnt care when I was a teenager and intentionally hurting myself because of her abuse  but she is going to freak out about me holding a child while I’m pregnant..

As we were leaving my mom handed my husband a birthday card but not without “well we didnt see you last weekend so I couldn't give it to you sooner”. They did not contact me to tell me to tell him happy birthday lol. They live two minutes away. they could have easily dropped it off themselves. But its our fault, right? Then she tried hinting that I should try to visit sometime during the week “if I want” to which.. I didnt even respond. I just ignored it. I’m not doing this guilt trip shit. I don't owe them a visit. I’m not coming to them. If they want to see me they need to make an effort because all they do is bring me stress which I don't need right now. It could have been handled so differently. All my dad had to say was “How have you been?” and left out the guilt trip. There was no need for it.

So anyway. I kept my cool on the entire situation  as best I could. But then we got home. And I just.. idk. I unravelled. I was so angry. I AM still angry. I twas out of line. I hate that my dad thinks he has the right to treat me that way. That I owe him something when he puts 0 effort into the relationship. When we do visit he's glued to his phone. He doesnt even interact. He had no right to attack me with a guilt trip. I was so upset by this when I go t home. I was pacing and shaking and having chest pain and I know this is all really bad for the baby but I couldn't calm down and this is exactly why I can't do this shit anymore. I shouldn't have to live my life afraid of when I’ll see them next because god forbid I have been making my own health and child and marriage a priority. I shouldn't have to apologize or explain that. I wrote a long message I was going to send him but didnt. I don't feel like theres anything I can say to get through to someone who doesnt understand the basic simple point of me putting myself first right now. Largely pregnant, less then 2months from the birth of my child with still a lot to do and decreasing energy and ability to do it, never mind making mentally exhausting visits to unappreciative people.. 

 I thought about calling instead of texting it. But again. I was already stressed out. I was having chest pain My husband was worried sick about me and our baby. My father isn't worth the stress but I can't just turn a switch when it comes to being treated the way I was. How can I just turn a switch and not care? I do not like cofrontation or being attacked. And I didnt deserve it. I’m being attacked for doing the right thing. For taking care of myself and my child. I’m being attacked for having my priorities straight. Do you realize how fucking much that fucks with my psyche? Its not something I can just let go.

I thought for a second I should send him an article on how stress during pregnancy can affect the baby. Yeah except I saw a scary statistic about how third trimester stress can spike up your chance of having a stillborn and went into a legitmate panic attack and my husband had to just take the phone from me. I eventually calmed down but the situation hasn't left my mind. I am home today trying to mentally recoup. I’m trying to just take care of myself but it keeps creeping into my thoughts. The disrespect. What his attack caused - the chest pains and crying and freaking out. That didnt need to happen.. that hsouldnnt have happened. That could very seriously pose a risk to me and my child like pre term labor or other terrible things. Like it just fucks me up that my own father can be so immature and careless in his actions and not even realize how it affected me. Because I care too much. Because I can't believe that after being such a good daughter despite the abuse I’ve received in my childhood, and despite his complete life long lack of protecting me from my mother, the times I’ve thought about cutting my mom off entirely but didnt because I didnt want to lose him.... the fact that all of that exists and is a part of my life, and he doesnt even care enough to treat me with the most minimal amount of respect. That he caused me so much stress it caused physical pain and put me and my child at risk. It just baffles me. I feel like he needs to know what he has done. He needs to know it wasnt ok and he hurt me. But I dint have the strength to even try to talk to him again. And it sucks because I’m forced to see him sunday at my baby shower. Then the week after is fucking fathers day. Then what am I supposed to do with that? I don't even want to see him again period and I’m forced to. I can't be having these things happen every single weekend when Im supposed to be relaxing and I don't know how to avoid it. I’m so fucking stressed out.  I wish I could just move far away and never see or speak to them again. I’m at my wits end and legitimately do not care anymore who I lose in the process but I can't do it with them being so close. I feel so trapped.