#its really so bad like i havent had suicidal ideation for a month or two and now...ugh.

[bigengar]

I swear to god my PMS is so bad it legitimately makes all my mental health shit 800 times worse. it's like im not even on meds or going to therapy it's as if I've never been trying to heal and I hate that cause I know I'm gonna be normal in a week but oh my god. why does it have to be THIS intense?

[mueritos]

Hey! Sorry if this has been asked vegire and I havent foind it or it's personal, but by anychance can you say what age or how you came out? I am very sorry if this is awkward or personal!

I dont mind! This is gonna be long so i’ll insert a read more.

I came out two times. The first was the summer after my freshmen year, so i was like 14? I had already come to terms with not being straight (i identified as a lesbian but also sorta leaning toward pansexual) but my mom kinda just like…knew? She knows when somethings on my mind, and the day i came out, i was quiet. She thought i was thinking about telling her im gay, but really i was deep in thought about my gender. I actually made a comic about this day! I’ll link it here:http://pittssmitts.tumblr.com/private/182523970873/tumblr_p4fd9vGzeK1t02ovy .

I just want to say that in no way was I ready to come out, nor willing to anytime soon. My mother pretty much forced it out of me. It was a really rough patch in my life. I didnt talk to my parents, i hated being home, i barely ate (i nearly relapsed into an ed), i cried so much, and i slept so often. It was awful, and I dont forgive my mom for making me come out like that, because even she wasn’t prepared. Even though it hurt, I’m grateful for it being a learning experience for everyone. I became closer to family.

The second time I came out it hurt more than the first. I was 16. I had already known i wasnt cis, it was just a matter of understanding who i was exactly. I was agender/nonbinary for a while, but after a lot of introspective thinking, i thought fuck it, lets try being a man. I remember it very clearly, it was early in the school week so I texted in my friends’ group chat to call me Matt/Matteo and use he/him. They immediately switched from they/them to he/him, i got to school the next day and they all called me Matt and he and it was wonderful. A lot of things in my head sort of fell into place and it finally clicked for me. I was alive again. I felt very happy and excited, so that thursday I told my mom I wanted to talk to her. She said tomorrow, so I waited. I wrote her a letter in Spanish about my feelings and what i wanted to do about transitioning. Friday came around and I was filled with so much anxiety I stayed home. It was morning and my ma come in to check on me. I couldnt even say the words, i just showed her a spanish headline of a mother accepting her young trans son, and she just knew. I cried a lot. She called me a lot of good things, and I thought things would be ok after that. I gave her the letter soon after, but things got tense again like the first time, especially months after. I made a comic about it too: http://pittssmitts.tumblr.com/private/182524273648/tumblr_p9mbb9CZPE1t02ovy

  Its hard, and it still is. Coming out is a process and it never ends. Its painful and frustrating, especially if you’re trans. Youre suddenly someone your parents never would have expected. They think they don’t know you anymore. It’s been over a year since I came out as trans (December 8, 2017), and for many months in between we acted as if I never did come out. I had conversations here and there with cousins and with close family, but everyone found it hard to understand. Some tried switching pronouns and name, but since I was too scared of causing a disruption, they fell out of it and back into deadnaming me because I never corrected them. Last december was very hard for me, and I’m ashamed to say I relapsed really badly into depression. It was awful. My suicidal ideation was never worse in my life than in that week. I slept all day, I couldn’t look anyone in the eye, I wanted to hurt myself. I thought about a lot of bad things. But I overcame it, and I want to say that things are better now. My mom calls my Mati and her son and uses he pronouns and masc words with me. My dad, I don’t expect much because his machismo just makes him unable to even be emotional with anyone. Either way, things are getting better.

I never really delved that deep into my coming out experiences, but here it is! I’m proud of what I’ve been through and overcoming it. Just know that things will always get better.

[thevoicesareunanimous]

11.30.2020

life is so hard for no damn reason lmao. i tried to fix my life and i moved out of my moms to better my life and now ASDKJADSFLFUCK man this sucks. my friend stays pissing me off. the one i live with of course. she constantly interrupts me. like every time i talk to her. she doesnt do it on purpose, i know that. but its so fucking annoying. even if im talking about something important. i told her just now that i realized a trigger i have and obviously it was a tense conversation and she just started talking about some random shit??? like bitch i am actively having an anxiety attack shut the fuck up. GOD DAMN i just want to scream and bitch slap her across the face. she also sucks her thumb? we’re 22. and i get that its a comfort thing. like i have stuffies that i cuddle with, but she does it in front of people. i dont know its weird. she chews with her mouth open a lot. now im just bitching and im not meaning too its just a lot. i only have two friends. and the other friend i have is my friends best friend. i tried to talk to her about madi but she straight up told me i was being disrespectful and shut me down bc shes “very protective over her. shes my sister.” not literally, but they have that kind of connection. so i cant even talk to her about it. ITS FINE I LOVE HAVING NO FRIENDS AHAHAAH ITS FUCKING GREAT besides the fact that i am constantly drowning in my own head :) its fine. thats why i come on here and scream into the void. i told the first friend about how i learned something on tiktok and her response is always “well its the internet so... it may not be true” like everytime but today i looked at her and said “im not an idiot. i looked it up” i did not but theres actual doctors and stuff who make little educational videos on tiktok and theyre legit and have legitimate credentials. she says it all the time.

the guy who coerced me into sending him nudes texted me today. its been like two months since he reached out. and like four or five since we “fought” but it wasnt really a fight. he just hurt my feelings at the end of our conversation. i kept up with him bc he validated me and my body for the first time in my life. i was insecure about my body and he made me feel so good. so ive been chasing that feeling for about two years now. so ive had several doms bc of that. its fine lmao.

i watch glee now. weird. i usually watch like,, american horror story. specifically, coven. over and over. bc im biexual. thats my comfort show. that and criminal minds. reid is my favorite. in case thats not blatantly obvious by the bottom energy that radiates from my keyboard.

oh my birthday is in a few days and my two friends keep asking me what i want to do for it and i am slightly suicidal (mostly ideation, i havent relapsed... yet?? idk) so i dont feel like celebrating. bc i dont like this life that has been forced upon me. im not doing anything i can be proud of. im trying to get better but its not working. everything i keep doing keeps falling through. its fucking annoying and frustrating to try so hard and have NOTHING FUCKING WORK OUT. but im gonna keep trying. part of me wants to know at which point i should be hospitalized. i dont know how bad i have to be in order to go. i havent done anything but the feeling is so strong. maybe then i could get a break. not have to worry about anything for a bit. its a lot and its overwhelming. i know i shouldnt fantasize about being hospitalized but im pretty desperate for some time to myself where i dont have to worry about anything except getting my head right. ughhhhhh fuck.

[mikecardenmpreg]

recovery, etc.

so its been just about a year since i got back into therapy and i just want to say this because i didnt make it clear enough when it happened. when i went in for my intake session last december, they wanted to hospitalize me. like. that day. right then. they didnt even want to finish the interview. they just wanted to admit me. because people reporting numbers like mine were in hospitals on suicide watch. they did not want me to leave the premises. i had to assure them that i wasnt going to kill myself (even though i knew that wasnt a promise i could make). i had to sign a CONTRACT promising i would not kill myself before my first therapy session. the intake specialist was skeptical but he let me go (though he had no idea how i was able to function on a daily basis - jokes on him though because i wasnt functioning at all). he had a look in his eye that told me he wasnt sure letting my leave was a good idea. when i went to my first therapy session with ann a few weeks later, she also wanted to hospitalize me and again i found myself assuring someone i didnt know that i wasnt going to kill myself (and that still wasnt a promise i could make). a year ago i was so sick that i was nearly hospitalized for my own safety and for the safety of others. i smiled and joked and laughed through it all. i reblogged relatable sad posts. i tried not to make it seem like it really bothered me. but i was barely hanging on. 

i got my diagnosis on december 13th. i didnt talk to ann much but i told her just enough for her to deduce i had bpd. its something i knew for at least two years. i sat with my knees to my chest the entire session, uttering a few words here and there, picking at the fraying knees of my jeans. she took notes. she told me my numbers were concerning, that people with numbers like these are generally in inpatient care. i stared. nothing behind my eyes. i was a shell. she said “hopefully next time we meet youll be more comfortable with me and we can talk some more”. i felt like an asshole for sitting there and wasting her time. i thought i was a lost cause. i thought there was no way i was gonna get better.

and for the longest time i didnt. i was hurting so much. i was separated from all my friends and still dealing with the aftermath of not one but two absolutely devastating (at the time) rejections. i wanted to kill myself so badly but didnt have the means to do it efficiently and effectively (ive always been too scared to actually try to kill myself in case it didnt work - something ive told my therapist). i felt like the biggest fucking loser. i remembered the summer of 2012 and thinking (back then) that there was no way i could feel worse than i did then. i was wrong. how i felt in december 2016 through january-march 2017 was the worst ive ever felt in my entire life. looking back its mostly static. dont remember a lot of it. all i remember is being angry and suicidal and wanting to hurt everyone around me.

in april i started dbt. it took awhile for me to get into the class. ann had me take other classes to help cope with my other problems (anxiety mostly) and helped me process some of my issues until i could get into dbt. borderline is a little out of her area of expertise but she knows how to listen and is very very good at validating all my little hang ups (i love my therapist).

it took me a few weeks to see the value in dbt. for the first few months all it did was dredge up old shit and trigger me until i was hollow and numb. every week it felt like i was being ripped open and flayed. every week i got to relive a different traumatic memory. every week i disassociated to keep myself safe in this room of strangers (who were also disassociating to keep themselves safe). (disassociation is not a healthy coping mechanism) 

but then i went on medication for my depression and anxiety and the combination of that, dbt, and regular therapy sessions actually began to like work? like? thats wild? and i started to see changes in my life because i was learning how to communicate appropriately and deal with my trauma effectively. and i stopped dwelling on the things that made me feel bad and started diving in to the things that made me feel good. i started spending more time with friends and reaching out and actually putting an effort into being a better friend. i started being honest and open with my parents about my progress rather than being super secretive and hiding things. and somehow the constant stress dreams and nightmares and violent thoughts and suicidal ideations stopped. i was finally able to enjoy things again. i was even able to spend time with my parents and actually enjoy it. hell i even looked forward to seeing them and talking to them (which is a really fucking big deal).

there have been slip ups along the way. things have happened that have really bent me out of shape. but i was able to deal with those things and recover. last december i was prepared to ruin every relationship i had. i told my parents to not come to my graduation. i almost deleted all my friends phone numbers and unfollowed them on all social media so i never had to speak to them again. i was ready to isolate myself from everyone so that when i killed myself (which i was getting ready to do) i wouldnt hurt anyone.

im not gonna say that i cant believe that person then and the person i am now are the same people because i can absolutely believe it. there are times when i want to go back to my old ways because regressing is a lot easier than constant progress. and getting better doesnt always have 100% positive results. ive learned a lot about myself and others along the way. ive had to sever ties. ive learned that some people arent capable of change. ive learned that sometimes taking a break from the people you love the most is the best thing you can do for yourself (and for them). ive had to have hard conversations because getting better has forced me to learn that you gotta actually work for what you want. 

i havent been perfect this whole time either. i still havent learned how to value my own feelings over the feelings of others or how to accept that other people care about me. im sure some day i will. a year of therapy isnt going to fix everything. but some day ill have a breakthrough.

the whole point of this though is that if i can make it through my darkest moments and turn my shit around....anyone can. but its important to know beforehand that its a process. nothing happens overnight. nothing happens in a month. recovery is something you have to work at day and night for the rest of your life. its something you have to want. it doesnt come easy and its not pleasant. its not all soothing baths and flowers and handwritten journals. its crying and screaming and addressing your past traumas and welcoming them into your home like theyre family (and then accepting that they happened but not letting them dictate your every move). its being honest - brutally honest - with not only yourself but with others. its letting go of people you love and learning to exist in the void of loneliness (until the people you love learn to accept the new you). its showing up every week (or month or whatever) and saying something for once, even if you think its stupid, even if you think its irrelevant. recovery is ongoing. im about to finish my first year. i still have a lot of work to do and im actually kind of excited to do it? which is cool considering my contingency plan has always been to kill myself.

anyway. i just wanted to say that. i dont pat myself on the back very often but ive accomplished a lot this last year. and not gonna lie but ive referred to myself as “most improved patient” in my head multiple times these past few months. im in a pretty okay place right now. im glad im still here (despite the world getting worse literally every day). im glad i have people i can share that with. and i hope some day soon i can return the love and support ive been given tenfold :)

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

this weeks freeform personal post lol

so im kinda getting estranged by my mother tbh like i was quite explicitly told that im making a “lifestyle choice i dont agree with” and that she “cant recognise me” (like, my face is a different shape but what she means is that im not like, rolling over and taking her abuse anymore) and i cant be like taking hormones and using a different name and expecting to be like, part of the family yknow. and like, her partner will just follow suit and ive already estranged my older sister lmao and like, highkey im not confident i’ll get into 3rd year and like, yknow. on a triangle of ‘disowned’ ‘trans’ and ‘drop out’ im pretty sure i can only handle two and like, v v highkey i want to just like, kill myself and avoid the whole thing and like, i’m v aware that, other than this one medically induced manic episode in march/april, ive had passive suicidal ideation for like, almost my entire life and ive never done anything about it. idk im v greatful for the valid people in my life rn, im v happy that ive got like, decent people i know irl and online that just kinda, make it seem like a temporary problem? and recently ive had a lot of experiences where ive been able to like, be good for someones life, esp w like, i run the trans forum at uni right, and we’ve had a couple moments where like, people’ve got to see like, other trans people in groups, and just be like ‘huh, we’re not freaks and perverts huh’ and its been good for them and i kinda just wanna keep living for those moments and all these rly cool moments i get to have w my friends and like, ive got a lot of good books im excited about rn, and ive got some money in the bank i dont want them to get, idk. ik a lot of people in my life get really tetchy when i talk about like, suicide after like, i actually tried, and thats fair but like, for the last idk more than 10 years its just been passive and ideative and thats sad but its also like, mostly benign and i dont want people to worry about me. i kinda think im too late to get a summer internship now i had two interviews and i failed one and i dont want to work in a care home all summer and i kinda want to piss off to glasgow and stay w finn and thats not an easy option but i think it’d be good for me like idk what work i could do in glasgow but i could do some shitty job right,i dont have to do internships now i guess, idk im really tetchy about experience and esp trying to get experience where a change of name isnt an issue. yknow, like job hunting is demeaning enough without revealing a priori youre tranny, idk like, i have a zero hours job in aberdeen but i wanna move out like, asap, like i cannot be here, its just v scary to be in an environment where youre like, actively hated. idk like she didnt harbour any particular hatred to trans people before this like she knew a trans person from my school and used his name and pronouns but idk, maybe i shouldve seen it coming after how tedious she was about me being a faggot like, idk she got over that after a couple months but she just, doesnt want to budge on this, like she sees me using my name and taking hormones and having trans friends as like, an actual insult to her raising me. shes just like I Picked Your Name, I Raised You A Boy, Therein You Will Be And Anything Else Is An Insult To Me As A MoThEr yknow like, god, its not a big deal yknow, you get 2 daughters or you get 3 idc what you do with that fact. and sure, i consider it entirely her problem that she hates trannies but like, being trans AND disowned AND a dropout is just like, too much for me i think like, theres no shame in that life to me but like, theres also no dignity. like theres no dignity anywhere but idk if i can do it yknow. also like, and i hate to like bring up sex work when talking about trans hardship bc it feels like a boogyman trans girls bring up to scare eachother but, idk if i can go back to that? i hate waiting outside and i need poppers for like, anal w people i dont trust (and sometimes w people i do) and like, theyre a v safe drug but too much can put pressure on the eye and im blind enough as it is. i had enough poppers one time that i went colourblind for a moment. that was fun. i was kinda drunk too. in the summer i kinda wanna deal with presentation like learning-to-pass as a skill but like, idk im not butch right but im also like a real person who goes outside lmao. like i cycle in the rain and garden and eat with my hands and im not going to be domesticated at any point tbqh. like im not sure i’ll ever pass in like, the next so many years without like, FFS and laser or smthn, but like, idk ik two things right (1) that im a bit of a feral tomboy and im comfortable in like, trews and shirts, getting dirty and building things so long as im not like, percieved as a man and (2) that i was traumatised for like, almost the entirety of my life for doing anything feminine right. like i got beat up in the engineering club at school a lot bc i wasnt like, masc enough to be in that space lol, or even if i didnt get beat up like, there was like, idk what you’d call it like preformative beating up? like unwarrented roughhousing? like pretending to kick someone but Just For The Banter Obviously, We Weren’t Trying To Intimidate The Faggot At All Sir. yknow. and like, obvi like the usual words and jokes we usually use to talk about fem men or men who arent masc enough or whatever. and like, trying to separate (1) from (2) yknow. like thats a task and a half. and like, esp recently where im like, not feeling like a pervert and an intruder 100% of the time w like, lesbian spaces. like obvi ik im not welcome by most there right, but like, idk ik a few lesbians who are like, idk at least on surface dont seem to consider me an outsider and i kinda, get to talk about the fact i like women without like, being seen as a man and a pervert and a rapist for it yknow. and thats been like, a bit of a moment for me. bc like, idk i like women and i kinda havent been thinking about that for a long time bc i dont want to be seen as a man and like, ik ive always liked women, i just like, didnt think that i could like, engage with other women who might like me, without like, having to Perform Man and all that implies and, idk yknow, its not like im having a sexual awakening or ive discovered a two way strap on lovehoney im just like, idk, not not-welcome sometimes for the first time in forever and that kinda means rethinking a few things about where i position myself etc. and thats largely fun now that im like, idk, i have more language-tools to do it than the last few times ive had to consider who-i-love-and-how yknow. and like, idk ive mostly been playing the same fiddle as i always have with like, having this gayboi dress sense and slang and idk, maybe it’d be fun to get a bit of a more lesbian of a haircut or smthn, but like, id have to do it in one of the gay barbers in glasgow bc i dont trust any barbers in aberdeen to not cut my hair Like A Man yknow also i havent been to my usual hairdressers in months bc im growing out the sides and idk what theyd say like i need my split ends done but i dont want them to go in and speak about my hair and my bikes and my ex lmao i used to go get haircuts w my ex and also i have v bad hair and ive recently decided im ok with it being curly so im just like, idk learning what to do with that tbh idk yeah, once whoevers in the kitchen leaves im gonna make a cheese toasty bc thats what ive been craving all day