#i cant stop thinking negatively about myself and i cant shake any anger I feel

[bigengar]

I swear to god my PMS is so bad it legitimately makes all my mental health shit 800 times worse. it's like im not even on meds or going to therapy it's as if I've never been trying to heal and I hate that cause I know I'm gonna be normal in a week but oh my god. why does it have to be THIS intense?

[sokkisky]

~baby or no baby, you’re still mine~

Want to make a request?: https://forms.gle/NyZgUcqkCPzHRvVn6

Want a short quick post?: https://sokkisky.tumblr.com/ask 

Rating: SFW (Comfort) 

Pairings: Bakugou x Infertile Y/N 

Warnings: Infertility 

A/N: Today’s request was very interesting to me and Bakugou comfort is something I still am trying to work on. The request goes like this. 

Y/n finds out they cant have kids and has to break it to Bakugo when they have been trying for a little while. And Y/N ends up having a hard time with depression afterwards... You dont have too do this. I just found this out myself and honestly Bakugo is just my comfort character... if you do write it thank you from the bottom of my heart.

And I’m very glad to write this for you. I’m sorry you’re struggling through this and I hope this helps in any way. <3 The ending is slightly split so if you want a little extra added ending, it’s right there for you! As always remember to take care of yourselves and be kind to yourselves. I love you all so much. 

Negative. 

You sat on the rim of the bathroom tub, holding the pregnancy test in your hand. You teared up seeing the results. Negative. Again. It didn’t matter how much you tried, the tests always came back negative. Your eyes welled with tears, sinking to the floor and clutching the test in your hand. “One more try, just one more.” you said quietly to yourself, gritting your teeth trying to hold back the tears. 

Even though this would be the twelfth try that  you said ‘One more try’.

Bakugou opened the door, walking in and sitting next to you. He looked over at the test in your hand, his face dropping. He didn’t say anything, he just pulled you close. “We can try again, sometimes things like this take time.” he said softly, his tone somewhat gruff as he spoke to comfort you. You nodded, sniffling a bit. 

“We could always get medical assistance.” you said softly. He looked into your eyes, the white turning a light pink from your crying. He held your face, swiping away tears with his thumb. “Of course teddy bear.” 

~~~

“You’re infertile.” 

You almost didn’t hear the doctor’s words. Bakugou slammed his hand on the bed, “You’re wrong check the paper again.” The doctor sighed, looking over his clipboard. “I assure you I’m correct Sir. You’re wife here is infertile.” he said calmly, adjusting his glasses. 

Bakugou balled his fists a bit, glaring at him. You noticed taking his arm in your hands. “Suki” you said softly. You felt his tensed body somewhat relax but he didn’t look at you, he just glared at the doctor. 

“I’m so sorry ma’am” the doctor said wearily, turning his gaze to you as you sat on the patient cot. “But there’s nothing I can do.” Bakugou sneered, his teeth gritting in anger, “What do you mean there’s nothing you can do? You’re a damn doctor aren’t you?” You looked up to his anger filled face. His eyes, however, looked sad. You knew he just wanted someone to blame, someone to put the problem on. 

But inside you knew it was your fault. 

You knew you could never give Bakugou a family because you were infertile. He used to talk for ages about having his own little rascals running around but now, 

Now that seemed impossible. 

You racked your brain trying to come up with a solution. “What about a surrogate? Or maybe we could try something else I-” the doctor held his hand up. Shaking his head. He placed a soft palm on your shoulder. “Your body isn’t suited to bear, or create offspring.” he said gently, his eyes saddening from the look in yours. 

Bakugou slapped his hand away grabbing yours, his strong tight grip enveloping your fingers. “Your body will be suited for my fist if you don’t shut your mouth!” he said before storming out, you followed behind, the tears running down your cheek. 

~~~

You sat in the bathroom, the door closed sobbing against it. You felt yourself bottle yourself up, bringing your knees to your chest. Bakugou went to his office as soon as the two of you got home. 

You knew he was as hurt as you, maybe even more. This was what he wanted for a long time, kids of his own that is. You sobbed, feeling like less than yourself. You couldn’t do the one natural thing most could. You’d never thought you’d feel so sad, slumping yourself against the cold marble floors. You sobbed into your knees, your tears streaming down your legs, you wanted to be numb, to not feel a thing but you couldn’t. You were forced to deal with this, do deal with the situation. 

You felt alone all until you felt a push on the door. 

You lifted your head slightly as another push was felt against the door, like someone was trying to open it. “Move dumbass let me in.” a small voice said from the other side. Bakugou's voice sounded meak, small, like he was crumbling inside. The words alone would make you think he was angry, but he didn’t sound that way, he sounded pained. 

You slowly scooted away from the door and it swung open. Bakugou stood there, his eyes watery, welling with even more tears when his eyes landed on you. He shut the door, standing across from you for a second before kneeling in front of you. He sat down and parted his legs, pulling you close to his chest. “Don’t cry, there’s nothing to be sad about.” he said, his voice low. “Stop crying idiot…” his voice trailed, wavering unsteadily. “Baby or no baby, you’re still mine do you understand? It’s going to be okay.” he added, choking on tears. He coddled your head and body close to him, rubbing you gently. He kissed your forehead. “Please don’t cry anymore” he said, his voice crumbling under his emotions. 

The two of you held each other softly crying, in each other’s arms. You both knew that things couldn’t go as you wanted, it was impossible now, but somehow, just sitting there, holding each other, you felt better. Slightly a bit more calm. 

~~~

A few days passed and while the sadness still lingered in you, you felt that Bakugou had become a lot more open. He talked to you about how he was feeling a lot more, not being shy to pull you into his arms whenever he wanted you close. 

Whenever you’d work he would slide behind you and wrap you in his arms. Resting against you quietly as you worked. If you cooked he’d stand behind you, his head resting on your shoulder, leaving sweet kisses along your shoulders and back. He was very soft around you, always bringing you small treats or snacks. 

You sat in your bed, laptop on your lap as Bakugou walked in, holding a stack of papers. “Hey teddy bear?” he asked softly. You looked up, turning to him. 

“Do you want to adopt?” 

[smediumsmeatbae]

Try Me (Requested)

PAIRING: Chris Evans x Reader SUMMARY: You have a rule about not dating coworkers. Chris aims to change your mind.  WORDS: ~1895 WARNINGS: Brief smut, mentions of a shitty relationship/relationship going sour, drinking, reader doing stupid shit, swearing  A/N: This was requested by a person that shall remain anonymous at their request. This was a fun one to do and I hope they enjoy it!  “Hi! Can you do one where reader worked on mcu too and Chris wanted her for a very long time but she was not having it and then a party happens and finally gets her.” I hadn’t done a POV from Chris yet so the format was a little weird to get used to at first but I wanted to challenge myself a bit.  This was loosely edited so I apologize for any mistakes.  You do not have my permission to post this outside of Tumblr.  Likes are amazing. Comments and reblogs are even better.  Tags will be in a reblog since Tumblr’s being really weird about it. 

--------****--------

Chris couldn't believe that you were there, in his arms. Your soft lips against his own. He felt like his chest was going to explode. He thought how lucky he was to be there, how happenstance and chance led you two together. 

***

He met you on the set of the first Avengers movie. You had been cast as the new assistant to Tony Stark and quickly became a fan favorite. While Chris and you didn't have a ton of scenes together, it was enough for him to feel the chemistry between the two of you. You were vibrant and funny, always making jokes with everyone on set, making the time in between shooting go by. Beautiful and soft, he found himself longing to place his mouth on your shoulders and neck, feel the swell of your breasts. Chris wanted to put his hand on the small of your back, to hold you close to him, to smell your subtle perfume mixed with your citrus shampoo. He had a crush. He hadn’t had one of those in a long time. 

He found himself looking forward to getting onto set when you two worked together, even through six in the morning call times. Chris would bring you coffee and when you went to thank him, he flashed that boyish grin at you. "I was goin’ anyway." When you were out of earshot, Mackie and Seb teased him that you were the only one that he brought coffee for. They would tell him to ask you out already, they knew he wanted to. If they only knew that he had tried a few times already. 

The first time Chris had asked you, it had been after a long day on set and he was tired but he had finally worked up the nerve. He knocked on your trailer with a nervousness and waited for you to open the door. Once you did, you looked like you had been taking a nap- your hair was messy, eyes half opened. You were wearing a large baggy t-shirt that hit your knees. You still looked adorable. When he asked you out, you turned him down as gently as you could. Your beautiful bright eyes held a small sadness in them. “I’m sorry, Chris. I don’t date co-workers.” 

He was disappointed and, he had to admit, a little crushed by the confession. He had to respect your decision, though. He told you before he asked that it would not negatively affect your relationship and he meant it. You had become one of his best friends on set. He loved talking to you, sharing inside jokes with you, loved getting tacos with you late at night after a long work day. He didn’t want to lose that.

The second time Chris asked you out, it happened under the influence of a few beers after work. You two had gone out with Seb, Scarlette, Mackie, and Renner to a dive bar on the outskirts of New York City where you all wouldn’t be bothered. You had gone outside to get some fresh air and Chris had followed you, needing the same thing. Back leaning against the wall, you looked up at Chris and smiled, whiskey flowing in your blood. He leaned his shoulder on the wall close to you and looked down at you, skin glowing from the lamp light, looking every bit like an angel. And he just… said it. “Go out with me.” He murmured in your ear. You didn’t answer, but pulled him by his t-shirt towards you and kissed him. It was sloppy and sweet, the kind of kiss that happens when two people have had a little too much. Fire igniting in his belly, he stood his body over yours, hands at your hips and kissed you good, nipping your bottom lip. Wolf whistles and shrieks of laughter broke the kiss where he spotted Mackie and Scarlett grinning at the both of you. 

The day after, he had received a text from you, apologizing. The kiss was a mistake and you asked him to forgive you. And he did, but after having that kiss, after having you pulled so close to him, he couldn’t just give up on you. He wouldn’t make that mistake again. Chris knew that you felt something for him, that kiss didn’t mean nothing. 

The last time he asked you out, it was more of a question. It was after the wrap party for Infinity War. You were dancing and laughing, having a good time with Scarlett, Elizabeth, and Danai. Chris came up from behind and talked into your ear so that you could hear him over the music. He wanted you to follow him outside. 

“I’m so glad shooting is over!” You laughed as you went outside. There was a nice breeze out and it played with the edges of your dress as you twirled around, seeming to dance to the music in your head. Chris smiled at you, loving you so care free. “Do you like me?” Chris asked, his blue eyes boring into you.  “You know I do, Chris. You’re, like, my best friend.” You giggled at him. “People have been calling you my husband on set.”  “But, do you feel anything else for me?” 

You stopped twirling, looking at Chris, eyes wide. He had never outright asked you before how you felt about him. He was hoping that he could catch you into revealing something. 

“I…”  You trailed.  “I know you said the kiss was a mistake, but I can’t help but keep thinking that you felt something.” Chris walked towards you and took your hand. “So, I have to ask. Do you?” 

You sighed, dipping your head down but you didn’t try to pull away or move your hands. Chris thought maybe he had made it through. He waited for you to speak. 

“I do. I do like you, Chris.” You admitted. “But I still can’t compromise my standards that I’ve set for myself and go out with you.”  “Why not?” Chris let out an almost exasperated breath.  “A few years ago, I went out with one of my coworkers. It was one of my first sets where I had gotten a role that wasn’t background. I was still so new to the industry and so naive… Anyway. We went out for a couple of months, almost got serious. And then we broke up. It wasn’t amicable and got pretty nasty. He made set a living hell for me. It got so bad that I almost quit acting all together.” You paused, shaking your head. “It was then that I decided that I would never date another coworker again. It just complicates things too much.” 

Chris nodded his head. He understood then that it wasn’t about him, but about her experiences. He would never want to put her in a position where she felt uncomfortable  or where anything he did had the potential to ruin something she loved so dearly such as acting. 

“And I’m not saying that you would be like him, I know you wouldn’t. But I could see myself…” You paused at this, trying to find the right words. “Falling for you. You’re so sweet and gorgeous and funny. I just cant…” “It’s okay.” Chris stopped you with a sad smile. “I get it, really.” “Thank you, Chris.” You smiled at him and stepped away, still holding his hand. “Let’s go get shots.”

After that night, he did as you asked and stayed your constant friend. Though he also didn’t stop himself from being interested in other people either. If you wanted to be friends, that was fine, but he had to try to get over you. Maybe he did it slightly out of spite, maybe he wanted to make you a bit jealous. If he was truthful, he was trying to fill in the ache of not being with you with someone else. He also didn’t miss the hurt look on your face when he told you of his weekend plans of dates with different people, though he tried to ignore it. You didn’t get to be mad at him about dating other people.

You were about two and a half months into a five month shoot for Endgame. Chris was walking you back to your trailer after some reshoots between your two characters had taken longer than expected. He asked you if you wanted to go for tacos and before he knew it, you were yelling. Yelling at him. About dating all those women and flaunting it, flaunting it all over, flaunting it in front of you. And he could see the hurt in your eyes, the tears that you were trying not to slip out, whether it was from anger or sadness, he did not know. 

“You can’t have it both ways, sweetheart.” Chris said calmly, wiping a stray tear from your cheek with the pad of his thumb.  “And THAT.” You continued on with your tirade. “I’m yelling at you and you’re just being so calm and sweet and… and…” 

Chris heard you mutter a ‘goddamnit’ under your breath as you pulled his shirt towards you and landed a bruising kiss on his lips. It took him by surprise for only a second, then he was grabbing you by your hips pulling your body into him in turn.  His one hand swept up your waist while the other grabbed your butt. You moaned into Chris’s mouth, grinding your hips into him. You pulled away, eyes lust blown, lips wet with kisses. Grabbing Chris’s hand, you led him up the couple of steps to your trailer and slammed the door shut behind you. You began kissing him again before he was backing you off of him. 

“Wait, wait.” Breathless, he looked into your eyes. “Are you sure you want this? I don’t want another text later that this was a mistake. I’ve just wanted you for so long. I need you to be sure.”  “Yes, I want this.” You whispered and nodded. “I want this so much.” 

***

You had led him to the bedroom and kissed him softly, his chest still beating fast, a heated blush on your cheeks. There was a tangle of clothing and limbs, kisses on exposed skin, moans and whimpers. Every emotion that you two had wanted to convey for so long was flowing out. He said ‘ have me’ in the way that he held your body under him. You said ‘I’m yours’ with the fingers you carded through his hair. You called out his name as you exploded in ecstasy, a flash of brilliant light in your eyes that had squeezed tight. Watching you fall apart under him was the most beautiful thing Chris had ever seen. He buried his face in your neck as he came as well and he thought his soul had left his body. 

As you laid there in the quiet, in the afterglow of your lovemaking, Chris held you in his arms and stroked your hand lazily as it laid motionless on his chest. He vowed to never make you regret this night, to always have you next to him. He was so lucky, lucky you had chosen him and he felt like a king in that moment. He bent down and gently kissed the top of your head as he drifted off to sleep. 

[chimswae]

BTS Caretaker CH32

Summary: She may think she has Bangtan Sonyeondan wrapped around her fingers. She may think it is easy to love the members equally without hurting any soul. She may think the boys wont fall head over heels for her. She assumes it is okay to show a little love and affection towards the boys, what if she gets it all wrong? What if it only brings more complication to her already complicated life? Can she survive their charms? Will she be able to resist them? What if they just wont let her go?

- Pairing: BTS x Oc ( Yoongi x OC, Jungkook x OC)

- Genre: Fluff, Slight Angst, Romance, Idol!au

- Word Count: 4, 450

- Author Note: Sorry for super late update i was busy with my work and new semester begin today :< so it took most of my time! anyways, here is the update! :) so im sorry seul is dumb and confuse, and when i wrote this i also confuse lmao so hmm, she has no intention to toy yoongi or kook heart. 

Previous | Next

Chapter 32

Betrayal. Anger. Confusion.

Yoongi found himself gawking at the despicable scene in front of him, just when he thought Seul showed him a signal which he assumed only meant for him. There she was sleeping peacefully under the thick duvet, clinging onto Jungkook as though her life depended on it. Clothes scattered on the floor were enough to give him a short run up about their little deeds last night.

Rubbing the back of his head in frustration, he steadied his heavy breathing. Think rational, don’t jump into conclusion. You drag yourself in this, why are you upset? Yoongi clutched his fist letting jealousy engulfed his heart.

Should he wake these two up and make a scene? Or should he just walk away and talked to her about this after the tour?

None of the choices above could help him in resolving this unsettling feeling. He needed a closure. His thin lips were pressed into a thin line as he scrutinized the couple diligently, not breaking any eye contact. Much to his distaste, Jungkook shifted his position very slightly baffling the older guy. He certainly had no plan to face Jungkook, like hell if he planned to confront him, how he’s going to get started?

This was awkward.

Abort mission. Abort mission.

Yoongi turned around to leave the room however Jungkook hoarse voice put his steps to a halt “Yoongi hyung?” he called out softly. He swore in his head for creating this mess. Jungkook lifted Seul out of the way carefully, moving silently and pulled the duvet to cover her body.

The older guy made no move either as he waited Jungkook to speak, “Hyung..what are you doing here?” the latter let out a small grunt, while putting on his shirt and pants. Yoongi frowned hearing his indifferent voice as if he did nothing to irk him.

He glanced at Seul whom fast asleep and tore his gaze at the exhausted young man before him “You and I, in my room now. We need to talk” he sneered lowly and exited the room. Confused, the younger guy walked after Yoongi feeling the goosebumps all over his body. The topic of the conversation involved Seul and him, he could tell from Yoongi’s burning eyes.

                                                                         This thing enraged Yoongi.                          

Jungkook closed the door behind him and planned to clear the misunderstanding before his hyung jumped into conclusion, things would get complicated that way. As he was about to open his mouth to speak, the older guy beat his him in doing so “Did you guys do it?” Jungkook’s face hardened.

“What-?” he flinched.

“I said, did you guys do it?!” he repeated with slightly annoyed voice. The memories of last night reappeared causing the maknae to feel self-conscious about it. Why was this thing matter to Yoongi? He never questions his hyung intimacy with Seul, only god knew what they did behind his back.

His brow pinched together forming a deep frown, “Why are you so interested in my personal life?” Jungkook mumbled under his breath.

“Because I happened to witness both of you naked under the blanket. Don’t you think it gives me enough ideas what you both up to last night? How far did you go?” Yoongi crossed his arms, with his hard fixated on him.

“That is none of your business” he blurted out.

“It is my business! We promise that we are in this together, if you are sleeping with her then what it makes me then? A one-night stand?” frustrated, Yoongi snarled garnering Jungkook’s attention. The latter brained his friend words, making sense out from it and it finally dawned on him, Yoongi and Seul were having that kind of relationship too.

His heart was pounding as if he had just run a race, he stroked his tousle hair in anger “You…” expelling a long sigh, he continued “You and Seul did….it? ”Jungkook didn’t even dare to finish his sentence as they exchanged a look.

Even though, Yoongi felt rueful over the fact that Seul was being intimate with two guys at once, he realized Jungkook was not the one to be blamed. It was their fault for not having any self-control. If there’s one person that’s partially guilty, then it the person would be Seul.

Screw Ji Seul for leading them on.

Again, they forced the girl to agree with their crazy ideas. Could they have expected this at least? Like they had a control over Seul’s feelings and actions. They should have expected the unexpected because it bounds to happen, sooner or later.

“We didn’t go far. Seul and I were having that moment, however we snapped out from it before we lost ourselves” Yoongi pursed his lips in annoyance and staring at Jungkook with a strained, and expectant glance.

Jungkook looked down while shaking his head “We went halfway, she stopped me before I could make another move. I should have controlled myself!” he said as he sunk on Yoongi’s bed, heaving a deep sigh. Leaning against the wall, a small smile played across his face “This is so fucked up Kkuk. What if..we ended up sleeping with her for real? Neither you nor I would like that to happen, do you? I don’t like sharing” he professed.

“What make you think I like sharing her with you?” he snapped.

Yoongi hissed “I vow to myself that I won’t let girl issues come between us, now look where it brings us? We need to put a stop to this” he groaned.

“How? It is not like we can force her to give us answers?! She…is having a rough time. This is not a good idea. I cant hurt her…I promise to protect her” he muttered.

“Rough time? Is there something that I must know?” the anger inside him had subsided. All he cared was Seul’s well-being. He couldn’t remember when the last time was they had a heart to heart talk which involved her life. It had always been about him and him. Not that he remembered, if there was time Seul bring up a topic about her.

“Someone from her past make an appearance again. There’s a lot of things that we don’t know about her, hyung. It made me realize how it is not easy for her to make up her mind. She had a traumatic past” Yoongi’s ears perked up in curiosity. Hesitant, Jungkook took a long pause as the older guy urged him to continue with his story.

Yoongi had the right to know the truth.

Will Seul kill him if he spilled her secret? But it is Yoongi though, she cares for him. If she wished to bring this relationship to whole new level, she got to trust Yoongi.

Seul, please don’t kill me. Im afraid of hyung’s wrath more than yours. Jungkook prayed in his head, and finally unravelled the mystery of Ji Seul life. Called it dramatic, Min Yoongi really exaggerate his reactions and in the middle of the conversation, Yoongi would punch the mattress under him jolting the younger guy in pure horror.

This was the exact reason why he feared Yoongi’s wrath more than others. Unexpected reaction and action came from him was the worse thing on planet. “Fuck. Why didn’t you tell me earlier?!” he snarled angrily, though he had no reason to be mad at Jungkook. The emotion took over his sanity, he was at the verge of killing someone at this rate.

“I discovered the truth last night, what do you expect me to do? Come running to your room and let you swear at me for waking you up from your deep slumber!” he rolled his eyes, judging his hyung mentally.

“If that is what you need, then you should have come sooner! She fucking cried and you-ugh what an asshole, I swear if I have an image of him in my head..I will not spare his life“ scowling, Yoongi grinded his teeth suppressing his anger.

To be reminded of Seul’s past was repugnant to him. Now, that he shared half of the burden with Yoongi at least they could protect her from the evil man. If that’s what Yoongi planned to do since he insisted on getting the answers from Seul.

“Alright, this is out of topic. Do you think Jimin hyung and Seul are as close as us to her?” Jungkook said out of the blue alarming Yoongi in his seat. “Do you think they ever-Impossible right? We are talking about Jimin here. He is not that type of guy who will do such thing” he assured himself to not let negativity consumed his brain.

“Duh, it is Jimin hyung! The guy who ripped his shirt on stage, and the same guy who used his sexiness to kill girls’ heart. Do you think he is not capable of such thing? Do not belittle him” said Jungkook in an irritating manner.

“Yah! Why are you bringing him up? I am sure there is not much progress in their relationship, just because.. I rarely see them together. She has been sticking like a glue with Jin and you, I should be worried of Jin than Jimin”

Jungkook massaged his forehead “Jin hyung.. Jin hyung..” he hummed incoherently.

A loud grunt behind the partition brought their attention to the sleepy figure “Whose unpleasant voice is that calling my name so early in the morning?” Jin yawned loudly, kicking his blanket off him before sitting up in annoyance. Yoongi and Jungkook froze as they totally forgot about Jin’s existence in the same room, he wondered if the guy overheard their conversation earlier.

“I will go check on Seul. We will talk about this again later” he murmured lowly enough for Yoongi to hear, as he left the room.

 ----------------

The boys had finally left for their Japan tour and would not be home for two weeks or more. Despite their hectic schedule, they would come back in between to settle some stuffs in Korea but there could barely breath Korea’s air. They would need to leave immediately the day after for their tour.

Seul returned to her daily routine, tending her job at the tea shop and as the caretaker except she’d come less to clean since they’re not home. Most of the time, she would spend her time at work with her friends and Hoon made a frequent visit to her workplace just to get his free brownies. Impudent boy.

“We are short of fresh milk, I will be out to buy it. Watch the counter” Wongeun set his brown apron on the table. “Will you be alright alone? Hwasa is out for delivery but she will be back soon though” Seul chuckled.

“Hey this is not my first time alone, stop being dramatic.  Just go, we need those fresh milk” she dried her hands and returned to the cashier counter. Ruffling her hair, Wongeun gave her a final wink as he exited the store with a playful smile.

The business at this hour was not busy in comparison to lunch hour break giving Seul time to breathe and clean the place thoroughly. Three hours till the closing, Seul decided to kill time and polished her skills in baking a red velvet cake. Recently, Wongeun taught her how to bake one since he wanted to make it as their signature cake.

Humming to random songs, she dropped the ingredient carefully inside the glass bowl with a wide grin. Nothing could beat this excitement to see the result of it. Occasionally, she would glance at the counter if there’s any presence of customer. She was immersed in her creations to notice someone presence behind her.

Seul felt a hand slid down her arms, brushing her skin from behind cause her to turn around in fear facing the individual. Her face felt upon seeing the uninvited guest there, and it made her super conscious of her surroundings. She pressed her back deeper against the marble counter as if it could take more of her weigh, to create a huge distance between him and the older man.

“It is nice seeing you again Seul” his dirty voice haunted her once again. A voice that she tried so hard to forget now came to torture her again without mercy. There was a tiny voice in her head telling her to scream and sought help, she just wanted to escape from here. Breathing in the same room as his disgusted her.

“Seeing how hard you try to push me away, I bet you still remember me” placing his arms on both side, he trapped her in between while smirking playfully.

One of her hands clutched onto the counter, gulping the heavy lumps on her throat “Wh-at…do you wan-t..Stay..away from me” her lips quivered as she failed to hold back her fears. He smelled just like seven years ago, a mixture of tobacco and alcohol.

“Aw, I wish I can. But you are working for me, like old times don’t you think?”

Seul eyes sprung open, and she stared at him disbelief “Yes my dear, I am the owner of this place. Fate really brings us together, I like that” he moves his hand along the length of her hair and leaned in to sniff the sweet peach smell from it.

“You smell just as good as before” she palmed his chest to push him away, but his grip tightened around her wrist as fast as lightning earning a soft whimper from the girl. Tears started to cascade down her cheeks like heavy rain, fearing what he’s about to do to her.

“Lea-ve me alone” Seul pleaded.

“Aw, I wish I can my dear, but I am in charged here. It is rude to treat your employer this way don’t you think?” squishing her wrist tighter, he whispered dangerously close to her earlobe.  His hot breath fanned against her skin, weakening her knees instantly.

Tears in her eyes blurred the image around her, she desperately looked for source of help at least anyone inside the store to pull her out of this misery. “There is no one here, just us. We can have a little fun too” the man used his free hand, to encircle it around her waist crashing their body together.

Seul gasped in horror and struggled in his strong grasp. It seemed like his age didn’t deplete his energy at all. Showing no sign of giving up, she reached out to random things on the counter as a defence mechanism. Things happened way too fast, as she sensed his body being lifted off from her and not long after she saw the older man ended up against the wall groaning in pain.

“YOU RAT! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH HER!” the owner of the voice yelled angrily, glaring at his way getting ready to take another charge and punched the older man into a pulp. The familiarity of the voice shocked the hell out of her. She could tell who’s her saviour under the mask just by his voice.

Hurriedly, Seul went to his side, embracing him from behind “Jin..please. stop it… please” she sobbed between her words.

His heart softened, as he quickly faced the girl taking her in his arms, “Seul-ah are you okay? Did he hurt you anywhere?” she let out a long sigh of relief, grateful that Jin appeared just on time before Mr Kwon could do anything inappropriate.

Mr Kwon got back on his feet, fixing his grey suit with a smug played across his face. “We are not done Seul. I will see you around” Jin gritted his teeth, watching his figure disappeared into the darkness.

He returned his attention to the crying girl, “Calm down, Seul. I am here, he is gone” he stroked her hair and sighed deeply. “Thank you..” she had begun to tremble with a sort of frightened and frustrated fury.

Seul had never been so scared in her life ever since she escaped that gruesome phase years ago. How was it possible to fix her old wound again? Jin took his time to calm down the scared girl. Squeezing her eyes open, she looked up meeting his worried gaze “What are you doing here?” she murmured, pulling away from his embrace.

“We have to get back to studio to record new songs, but we’ll fly back to Japan this Saturday. Where are your colleagues? Why are you alone?” stroking her cheeks, Jin dried her tears and emitted a long sigh.

“Wongeun oppa and Hwasa are out to do errands. They will be back soon” as if on cue, Hwasa and Wongeun made their appearance inside the store cheerfully however only to turn serious as soon as they saw the mess and distressed looking Seul.

Hwasa lurched forward, grabbing Seul shoulder “Oh my god, are you alright? Did someone try to hurt you? Where is the thief?” her eyes scanned the area wildly and as soon as notice Jin’s presence there, Hwasa let out a high pitch holler. “You are the thief? What did you do to her?!”

Both Wongeun and Jin squirmed slightly at the squeaky voice, and before Seul could explain further, her crazy best friend had already grabbed nearby broom to hit the innocent young man with it.

“Aren’t you ashamed?! Do you think it is okay to steal something which isn’t yours?” she swung the broom towards his direction. Jin dodged the hit before it could kiss his face.

“Hwasa! Stop it! He is not the thief!” the shorter girl grabbed her arms, holding the furious girl in her stance before she could cause any harm to this idol handsome face.

She growled under her breath while shooting a nasty glare at Jin “Oh really? I am not convinced by the way how he dressed. He looked even suspicious with that mask on” Seul shook her head tiredly.

Offended by the accusations, Jin pulled down his mask a little revealing his face “If I were a thief, the only thing that I steal will be Seul’s heart” Seul cringed at his cheesiness. The tall guy who stood silently behind Jin looked disturbed by a joke that he pulled a moment ago.

Hwasa gaped “You are the Kim Seokjin! Oh my god!” the latter politely bow and smiled sweetly. “I am sorry to cause the misunderstanding. I was here when Seul was ha-“ Seul blurted out quickly, leaving Jin confused.

“I had a major headache and was about to pass out. Jin came right on time to help” their eyes met , exchanging a hard gaze.

“You sick? You should have told me Seul. I would send you back early. Now, go get your stuff and leave. You need rest” Wongeun suggested.

“I am okay, I can still work”

Jin crossed his arm “No you are not. You look pale to me, lets go back. I will walk you home” Hwasa bit her lower lips, careful not to fangirl over the attention that Seokjin showed on her best friend. She was happy for Seul just because she could see this young man before her is madly in love.

“You guys please” “Seul please listen to me for once, leave before I make you” Wongeun’s voice was stern and firm enough to intimidate her. Giving into the order, Seul made her way sulkily to her locker grabbing her things.

Hwasa turned to Jin putting her serious façade “Kim Seokjin-ssi, take care of my friend. If..i find out she gets hurt under your supervision, I will smack your handsome face with this broom” his eyes wide opened in bafflement.

Seul walloped her back head softly earning a loud protest from the latter “We are heading back home not for a war, stop being dramatic, you rude girl” Hwasa rolled her eyes in annoyance. “Get back home safely” Wongeun crescent moon eyes appeared when he smiled brightly.

 ---------------

Her place was only 10 minutes-walk from the store, but they purposely took another route which took another 15 minutes. She did not mind the long walk especially with Jin by her side. That quiet walk home was her chance to relax and gathered her thought.

Jin on the other hand racking his intelligent brain to find that one perfect word to inquire her about the incident happened inside the store. The harassment was intentional to him, he had a strong feeling that the perverted old man knew Seul.

“We are not done Seul. I will see you around” his voice rung in his head non-stop and for some reason it couldn’t be erased from his memory. A displeased grunt could be heard clearly shifting her attention to her. Seul stopped walking, interlacing their hand together surprising the latter.

Jin eyes landed on their intertwined hand, and a smile crept on his face. “Do you have questions for me?” she muttered softly.

“What questions?”

“You can’t bluff me, it is written all over your face. What’s on your mind?” Jin bit his tongue, sighing one more time. She giggled and stroked the visible line on his forehead “Look you are sighing again and stop frowning. You don’t want to have wrinkle at this age” Jin studied her face.

Her long eyelashes batting at him, and her brown eyes stared out, wide and lovely. Her beauty never fails to render him speechless. Jin shrugged the thought off and wrapped her wrist, holding it down “Lets find a place to talk” she nodded in agreement, letting Jin led the way.

As they walked to nearby park, hand in hand, Jin spotted empty bench. They sat in silent for few minutes until he finally had the courage to ask the question. “The man earlier, do you know him?” Seul knew he finally asked her about Mr Kwon, it’s matter of time.

“He is someone from my past. The memories that I had with him was horrible and pathetic” her fingers fiddled with the hem of her blouse, inhaling a deep breath. Jin didn’t expect her to tell him everything. Seul’s expression darkened as she was remembered by the past again, nothing seemed to be working every time she wanted to get rid of the horrible memory.

“Seul, if you are not-“ “My father sold me to him. Mr Kwon, that man…my father made a deal with him. In exchanged of the freedom from his debt, I have to serve Mr Kwon. He used me to satisfy his needs and..” she had a stoic expression that pained Jin. Although close to tears, she tried to make her voice sounded casual.

He stared at her in a different, and in curiosity. Jin least expected to hear such things came from her mouth. He thought it only existed in dramas or movies, so it really happened in real life. A clawing sensation tugged at his chest, her emotional pain nearly suffocated him.  

“And..I was locked in a room ever since he brought me in. I thought of ending my life right away, I couldn’t handle the pain. It was too much..I..I just..” she was not able to finish her sentence and her voice cracked. She inhaled deeply, as pain engulfed her heart breaking it like a crumbling wall.

Jin threw his arms around her protectively, caressing her long hair “I am sorry..” he whispered.

“You did nothing, don’t be sorry” she felt tears brimming in her eyes. With a single blink, the tears spilled down like a broken pipe. After regaining her composure, she settled herself comfortably in his embrace and continued with her stories. Seul thought if she told him about her dark past, it would help her to heal the wound.

Although he listened attentively to her story of life, her humiliation at the awful past got to her. She was ashamed and disgusted of it. What is Jin felt the same way? When she first opened up to Jungkook, she didn’t expect his reaction contradicted to what she imagined.

It went well despite her struggled between the sobs.

Jin took one deep breath in as soon as the story ended. “So you and Hoon are step siblings? Different father but same mother?” Seul smiled meekly. “Have you found your real father?” he looked at her with a concern look.

“I don’t know who my father is. I asked my mother about it but, she refused to tell me the truth. I stopped asking after that one time because she looked hurt and furious”

“Arent you curious?”

“I am..i really want to see him, my biological father. I wish I can find way to reach him” she murmured in defeat.

He sighed “Your father, you will find him. I..damn how should I put this, is it possible for you to quit your job considering Mr Kwon is the owner of that shop. It is risky to stay Seul-ah. Now, that he knows you’re working there, he will find way to get to you again” his hand stopped around her waist and continue to make a small circle around it.

“I need that job to cover up our daily expenses”

“But you have the caretaker job with us, isn’t it enough to pay for everything?” his brows quirked up.

“The money that I earned from that job I used it to pay mom’s medical expenses. This permanent job that I have, to pay for the bills and Hoon’s college” he gave her a disapproval look.

“If this is about money, I can help you. Your safety is my utmost priority, I want to quit that job. The things that happened today might occur again, you never know when that bastard decided to strike again. Please Seul, think about it” taking her hand in his, he brought it close to his lips, kissing it softly.

Seul shuddered at the contact of his lips against her cold skin, a gush of memory invaded her mind. The kisses that Jin gave to her when she had her panic attack made her face pink. “I will think about it” she coughed away the awkwardness.

“It is late, you need your rest too. Lets go back now” she pulled her hand form his grasp and arose from her feet. She couldn’t stop the thudding of her heart as she waited for him to come up. He smiled to himself and grabbed her hand once again making the latter to squeal softly.

“Lets go” he interlocked her fingers with his, and started walking side by side.

Underneath a sky blanketed with stars, there were two confused souls walking through the darkness. They pretended the sound of their loud heart beatings were not caused by their close proximity.

Was she swooned by Jin’s little gesture?

This work belongs to  Chimswae © 2021. All Rights Reserved

[askbittyerror]

Wedding RP part 5

JusticeMom09/26/2020 Erebus lands with the two bitty gone way too big and drops them into his branches "Its okay Huitzi you should probably let him go before he detonates anyway" [11:56 PM] @Askbittyerror September 27, 2020

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 “Release me!” Flare snarls, kicking Huitzi in the chest and sizing up as the smaller is flung away, several of his ribs crumbling from the force. Huitzi wheezes and clutches his chest, struggling to heal himself, the positivity fueling his magic straining against the darkness of Erebus’ world. Flare’s wings have gone a deep, nearly black crimson, his eyelights gutted out and burning golden light blazing from his sockets. The bone around them flake dust, thick drops of melting bitty flow like lava from beneath his shirt, his spine reduced to nothing more than a river. He draws his spear, snarling heavily, the jagged points at the tip sharpening even further. He takes a step forward and Huitzi flinches back the best he is able, pressed against the tree, eyelights shrunken to terrified pinpricks.(edited)

JusticeMom09/27/2020 Erebus growls holding out his hand as Huitzi's soul goes blue and he is pulled quickly away from the furious guardian. At the same time negativity starts to snake its way up Flare's legs... but wait its more than that the cold seeping burning feeding on Flare like some sort of vampire... the roots of the tree start to tangle around his liquifying bones

"Calm down flare!" Erebus snaps as Huitzi is now safe in threw bows of his branches

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Flare flashes and liquidates away, bone chunks squishing and shifting into deathly-sharp spikes all up his arms and thick, bladed ridges running down his legs. His wings separate into heavy tentacles, flashes of red cloak him and he lets out a low, dangerous growl, his back hunched and his weapon readied. His movements look wobbly, disconnected, each bit jerking and shifting strangely, the connections between his bones scraping and squishing.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "... okay yeah that is gross" he mumbles and holds out a hand the roots of the massive ancient tree start ripping from the ground pursing forth and tangle around Flare pulling him under. Not to death but to hold and drain his energy until his fury have burned out. While his body deals with the angry god bitty he moves back towards Huitzi "... its okay... he cant hurt you anymore" He mumbles meaning if Flare tries again he would drop huitzi back at the wedding and face the angry one alone

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Flare thrashes and bites and kicks and claws and, eventually, some part of him in the deep recesses of his soul reminding him that these are people he probably shouldn’t kill, attempts to vanish. “What… is this… place?” Huitzi wheezes, clutching his chest, golden marrow dripping down from the scratches and bites Flare left. “What is… happening?” His wings have darkened considerably. The light is dying from his eyes.(edited)

JusticeMom09/27/2020 Flare is pulled into the storm allowed to rage away from  the guardian and Huitzi. he is now free of the root system allowing him to do as he pleased. just because the darkness around the tree was void like did not mean it was truly empty if you went far enough.

"You are in my multiverse... hold still you are draining too fast" He said and pulls off a leaf using it and pulling it in two different directions suddenly becoming like a bubble and he shoves it around Huitzi and now he is in an emotionally neutral space! tada! "... I am not exactly gentle in my universe and I cannot stop it now take deep breaths I am going to help heal you" He offers before holding his hands out and pushing healing magic towards the giant bitty(edited)

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Flare screams in rage and reality ripples, the Paladin tearing himself from this multiverse and tossing himself back into his adopted one to rampage in peace. Huitzi whimpers, curling in on himself, the pain, no longer buried under the freezing negativity, hitting him in the chest right where his broken ribs are. “Please.” His breath hitches sharply. His soul absorbs the magic hungrily, wounds slowly sealing shut, though the places that Flare sunk his teeth into seem to be resisting.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 Erebus watches scowling at the magic and slams his fist into the bark of the tree drawing magic from the source as he continues to heal Huitzi. He has enough magic to make those missing bits come back and more. It would not be the first time he reconstructed a skeleton monster from scratch "Hold on... just keep breathing for me"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 The bitemarks put up a good show, but since Flare hadn't actually put any magic into them, they seal easily enough, leaving only a circle of off-white behind. "Th-thank you." Huitzi exhales, staying curled up, trying to come down from staring death in the face.(edited)

JusticeMom09/27/2020 Erebus crouches there and hums "We will have to address Flare's anger sooner rather than later. We need to make sure to disengage him before he goes needing to kill things" The goop is rubbing Huitzi's back now trying to help him calm down even as he watches the spot where Flare had been and the sparkling positivity he left behind

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Huitzi leans into the touch, whimpering. "I- I don't even know who you are." He laughs weakly.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 He snorts "Eh I know Dragon and you are a date mate of theirs yes?" he asked amusement dancing in his good eye light(edited)

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "I am indeed." He grunts, pushing himself up, giving Erebus a small smile. "May I have the name of my savior?"

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "Erebus. Technically its Nightmare but" he shrugs "I have come to understand there are too many of us around to use our actual names"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "I know two guardians and and a great many bitties." Huitzi chuckles. "...thank you for saving me."

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "No problem I did want to see Bells have a good day today and with Greylu even unwilling to let me be useful this was the best thing I could do" he said amused "when you feel strong enough we can go back or hang out here. I do enjoy coming home" he said amused as he looked out into the darkness. he could see what was out there

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "This is your home?" Huitzi frowns, looking around. "It is, uh, lovely."

JusticeMom09/27/2020 He snorts at that "... Lovely not exactly what I would call it" he said and stood offering Hutzi a hand "but it is what it is and thanks to Bells reckless bravery I have my brother again too"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "Congratulations." Huitzi takes his hand with a smile, allowing himself to be pulled up.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 He laughed "I suppose it works" he said pulling him to stand "... why is it every consecutive person I meet has to be so much taller?" He askes amused.

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "I can always make myself smaller if that makes you more comfortable." Huitzi offers, giving Erebus' hand an unintentional squeeze. "I can go down to two feet."

JusticeMom09/27/2020 He laughed shaking his head "kid I am taller than everyone" he said amused and pulled him further away from the trunk of the tree "... well okay Flare may have me beat but I am not tonally sure how tall my branches reach now"  he looks up at the black not black leaves of the tree they stood in

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Huitzi looks up. "...you are a tree?"

JusticeMom09/27/2020 He grunted letting him stand on his own now making sure he did not fall "um. I did not start out that way if it helps" he chuckles  a bit

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "I am fine with it." Huitzi shrugs, a bit shaky but not about to fall. "I was just curious. You are the first I have met who is an actual stationary tree and not some kind of tree monster."

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "oh I started out as a monster" he chuckled folding his arms behind his head "A guardian like my brother and I followed the same story most Dreams and Nightmares follow."

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "I... am sorry to say I do not know that story." Huitzi rubs the back of his neck. "All I know is it somehow involves apples and I am not even sure of that."

JusticeMom09/27/2020 He laughed "how about a quick story then?" he offers before looking around and closing his eyes basking in his world for a moment "we are guardians... not skeletons not monsters but spirits given these forms. we guardians are the children of the original who died protecting THE tree. The tree of emotion which actually is the source of all positive and negative emotions for all the multiverse. the apples being the fruit that grows in this tree. half black and full of negative emotions and half gold holding positive "

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Huitzi nods, just letting him talk.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "the mortals who lived nearby tend to hate the Nightmare guardian and as such abuse him while his brother is not around. Eventually the pain becomes too much and in a fight between them and himself we... well we eat the apples and by them all the golden apples corrupt at our touch and we eat those too... until the brother Dream consumes the last golden apple holding all the positive emotions that beings can feel..."

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Huitzi frowns, thinking of the little guardians hiding in their room, how quiet and afraid they were, and the older pair, long since corrupted by more than just the apples.(edited)

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "well I am what happens to the Nightmare after he eats the apple. the goop is negativity given form" he sighs "after the apple incident the nightmares and dreams tend to fight each other until one dies" he looks at Huitzi "and in this universe I won and consumed my brother's soul... or what I thought at the time was his soul... and since I no longer needed to be a skeleton and the power of negativity reaching power I could no longer hold in a mortal body I took a form akin to the one the power originated from"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "I see." Huitzi nods, eyes distant. "...I suppose that would be why Dreams and Nightmares are so often at odds." He comes back to himself and sighs, giving Erebus a look of concern. "Are you alright?"

JusticeMom09/27/2020 He pauses "in what context?" he offers back. he was not expecting this question

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "Any." Huitzi asks softly. "You have been through quite a lot."

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "I am a very old Nightmare" He says honestly "and it has been a long long time since I was as angry as I had been... being alone to calm my soul has helped. For now I think I am but then again I do not know what being alright would entail"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "I am aware I have nowhere near the same experiences as you," Huitzi bows his head. "But if you want to talk, or anything else, I am here."

JusticeMom09/27/2020 He smiles "I see why Dragon likes you" he said and held out his hand "why dont we get back to the party I know everyone was a bit stirred up when we left"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "I would love too." Huitzi takes his hand with a smile, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I just hope I haven't upset anyone too horribly."(edited)

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "I think the only one who can really stay upset is Erebus" he snorts "still too young to realize he can actually relax and enjoy more than what is in his immediate purview"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "Then I will make a point to avoid him." Huitzi nods.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "you should at least say hello at least once I rather enjoyed his reaction to seeing you and Flare" he smirked and with that pulled Huitzi back through the timelines to the tower

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Huitzi mutters something about preferring to remain unstabbed, letting himself be taken away. When they arrive, reality buzzes, and Flare, at seven feet, head bowed, fully cleaned and recovered from his tantrum, steps through a portal, just behind his human Nightmare, wearing a deep blue tunic with dark feathers on the shoulders, sleeves tied at the wrists, a pair of thin black belts crossed over his hips just above the start of his goopy lamia-tail. On his back, one tied to each of his four tentacles, are hummingbird moth wings in dark blue and black, accented with the occasional tinge of gold. Umbra glances over to Huitzi and Erebus and scoffs, looking around with a deep scowl as the portal closes behind them.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "...  your tiny me seems irate Flare" Erebus mumbles watching the young guardian scowl at everything "How are you feeling better?" he asked clearly unfazed by the murder happy that had just happened not but minutes before

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "He is fine." Umbra says sharply. "My servant has regained control of his... urges, and will cause no further issue."

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "... " Erebus narrows his eyes at this "Dare I ask why you are acting this way?" he looks between them. he got the feeling he was not exactly "recovered" as much as they were pretending?(edited)

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "No, you may not." Umbra glares.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 He throws his hands in the air "I am going to go try to talk to people who are not going to snap at me" he said and headed back into the party

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Umbra sighs and looks at the ground. "Too many people, sorry." He says quickly, through gritted teeth, like it pains him. "Are you alright?" Huitzi asks, approaching him and immediately stopping when Flare growls. "Hold." Umbra slaps an arm over Flare's chest, the Paladin going silent. He looks to Huitzi, his smile large, confident, and only a mite shaky. "I will be fine."(edited)

JusticeMom09/27/2020 Erebus stops at that and sighs looking back at him "... numbers" he mumbles before walking back and crossing his arms "so this is what you have been trained to be?" he asked raising a brow at this. suddenly he is VERY interested in Umbra's reaction

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "No, of course not!" Umbra scoffs, arms crossed over his chest, nodding very emphatically.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 Seems the kid has learned double speak "now is Flare actually okay?" they ask looking up at the big guy with a frown

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "Of course, what a stupid question." Another scoff, a shrug, a slight shake of the head. "He simply insisted on returning, so I had to come along to make sure he behaved himself this time."

JusticeMom09/27/2020 He nodded "why dont we go sit down?" he offered "there are a few places where we can have a bit of... quiet " he offers

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "Sure, whatever." Umbra shrugs and nods. "These plebeians are... undeserving of my presence."

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "... " he sighs "whoever this ass was that made you like this clearly knew nothing about us nightmares" he said and waved them over before grabbing Huitzi to join them as they headed to a corner that was nearly a room into itself? at least that was the way it "looked"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 They follow, Umbra keeping his scowl and Flare making sure to keep in between him and everyone else at all times, only stopped from growling at them all by Umbra's tight grip on his arm.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 there is a table in the little nook! tada and when Erebus pulls the leaf curtain shut they are now only a group of 4 "... there" he slumps moving to sit at the table "sit " an order made to sound like a suggestion you feel compelled to follow

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Umbra slides into his seat and the moment the curtain closes he slumps, head in his hands, whispering frantic apologies under his breath. Flare sits between him and the world, absently patting his back, figurative ears peaked for any disturbances. Huitzi sits across, trying not to flinch when Flare casts his eyes over him before returning to watching the curtain.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 Erebus sighs "calm down you didnt do anything wrong" he said watching the kid "and you were already forgiven when you made it clear why you were acting like some haughty teen novel vampire"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "Sorry." Umbra mutters again, eyes down, hands in his lap.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "kid its cool really. You need to start forgiving yourself" he points out "now... How is flare really? the mun is dense tonight and is not getting subtlety well so make it concise please"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 “Not good.” Umbra says, tapping his feet, pulling his wings up over his shoulders like a fuzzy blanket. “He hasn’t had an episode that bad in a long time.” Umbra looks at his father, still staring out, fists clenched under the table that the bone can be heard creaking. “He has trouble with his LV sometimes.” Umbra looks away. “He has… a lot of it, and sometimes it takes over.” “I can keep him stable, though!” He quickly assures, leaning forward, wings blanketing him tighter, voice quivering just the slightest bit. “He won’t- won’t do anything while I’m here, promise! I’m too likely to be caught in the collateral damage.”

JusticeMom09/27/2020 He nods "you know Flare does not have to stay if he needs to rest. Everyone here will understand." he points out "and you do not have to force yourself to paly that role and dance that dance" he said watching him "it really is okay"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "Can't stop." Umbra's breath quickens, scratching at his hands beneath the table, Flare just grunting. "That is fine." Huitzi gently says, fighting the urge to lean forward and comfort. "One step at a time. Just- please try to avoid antagonizing anyone? We don't want someone to get upset and Flare to react." "Yeah, yeah sure, I can do that." Umbra nods, shaking a little.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 He sighs rubbing his head "yeah. just take care of yourself and mostly I meant not try to stop here I meant you dont have to force yourself in being here at all and forcing yourself to live in that role for what is only going to be a couple more hours"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "I gotta be here for Dad." Umbra looks at the table. "Until he decides to leave, I'm gonna be here too."

JusticeMom09/27/2020 He nods "okay Thank you Umbra for being here" Erebus seems to have learned how to be supportive dad at some point... Umbra might get adopted by the older goop at this rate

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 At this rate, he probably needs it. "I'm happy to well, uh I'm, I'm uh..." Umbra smiles nervously. "I'm... here?"

JusticeMom09/27/2020 the goop chuckles "you are honestly a good kid I am glad they were not able to take that from you"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Umbra smiles, his tentacles wagging, the attached wings fluttering. “Thank you!”

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "why don't I go get us some of the food I suspect everyone is eating by now" He said sliding from the table "Huitzi do you want to go too?

JusticeMom09/27/2020 @Askbittyerror

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 “Um…” Huitzi glances up. Flare looks over him and Umbra for a moment, reality ripples, and then he vanishes. “Uh???” Umbra frantically squeaks. A moment more passes and Flare returns, a very confused human Dream clasped tightly by the arm. Flare practically tosses him into his seat, standing with his back to the table, between them and the rest of the room, arms crossed over his chest and back ramrod straight. Mo looks like he just rolled out of bed, hair mussed, a soft plush weedle clutched to his chest, his heavy gold-and-rainbow circlet tilted haphazardly on his head. He’s wearing a loose white tunic and soft trousers, both edged with gold and coming to his elbows and knees respectively. He’s barefoot, and on every bit of exposed skin from his chin down are deep-set intricately carved scars in geometric shapes and delicate swirls, some inked in black and gold, others in rainbow, and a few simply left as gnarled scar tissue. Mo blinks, looks around, unwinds the midnight blue sash from his waist, wraps it around his neck, grabs one of Umbra’s wings and hides himself in it, the Nightmare tugged into him with a startled mweh.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "... um what just happened?" guess Flare was on full fight mode. He asked looking  between them and shaking his head. he is now one confused goop. my goodness. He says nothing about the scars but takes note. unlike his markings he can tell that they are not self inflicted "... you okay there kid?"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Mo makes a shaky noise. “Um,” Umbra looks to Huitzi, gently hugging his Dream. “Uh, Huitzi, can we borrow your jacket, please.” “Of course.” The Paladin quickly strips off his jacket, offering it and flinching as Mo quickly yanks it out of his hands, throwing it on and rolling the sleeves up significantly until they’re bunched at his wrists, the jacket practically at trench coat length. “Please tell me you have a weapon.” He whispers, Umbra nodding and undoing one of his belts, a hunting knife sheathed at the back. Mo loosens it and wraps it around his waist, hand resting on the hilt of the knife. He breathes in and out, in and out, tightly squeezing his Weedle until his shoulders lose their tension and he looks up, smiling shakily. “I’m- I’m fine.” He says, Umbra gently rubbing slow circles into his back, a tentacle coiling around him. “…sorry about that.”

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "Its not your fault Flare was triggered by many tiny angry auras and a Dragon who feels rather causal about attempts on their life" he sighed "you are at the wedding and probably should not leave our little cubby. there are a lot of people about many with hair triggers of their own"(edited)

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 “Oh, don’t worry, I’ll be fine!” Mo shoots straight up, a wide smile on his face. He hugs his surprised Nightmare, merrily nuzzling the top of his head. “It’s my sweet little brother you got to worry about, but it’s okay, I’ll keep him from being, well,” He giggles. “Himself!”

JusticeMom09/27/2020 ... "you know you are within your limits in this room right?" He asks making sure that No didn't just hear "lots of people nearby" and tripped his conditioning regardless

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 “This isn’t a room!” Mo giggles. “That’s just a curtain!” Umbra tenses and Mo gently shushes him, patting his face. "Be nice, little brother."

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "its a small private space for us to sit and talk. the whole emphasis on us being alone" he points out with a groan

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "If you say so!" Mo laughs.

with-bells-upon09/27/2020 The lich approaches the cordoned off area, stopping just a but beyond it. "Flare?" Quietly, "can we go somewhere more private and talk, maybe?" You and me, I mean. Um, Umbra and Mo can come too, if they need a little... less." @Candy

Candy09/27/2020 quietly follows Bells

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Flare opens the curtain and just silently stares at them. Umbra stands, pulling up Mo, still happily smiling away. "Lets go with them, Dad." The Nightmare tugs at his arm. Flare nods.

with-bells-upon09/27/2020 "Candy? This is where I'm afraid I leave you with Huitzi and Erebus, and head elsewhere with these guys." They look at the nearest wall, scanning it, then gesture the three to follow. "Just how much 'less' is needed? I've a water garden, and a... well, bubble, with a floor, and otherwise basically just broken void as a view."

Candy09/27/2020 O-oki. they nod and look at Erebus and Huitzi Hello, i'm Candy

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 “Any room with an actual door, please.” Umbra says, dragging his father by the arm and an increasingly ecstatic Mo by the hand.

“Hello to you too.” Huitzi smiles softly, offering them his hand. “I am Huitzi.”

Candy09/27/2020 they accept the hand and shake it nice to meet you

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "Nice to meet you too." He shakes back, the movement gentle.

Candy09/27/2020 they smile how do you like the wedfing so far?

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "It has been quite lovely." Huitzi smiles. "Barring the incident earlier, I have enjoyed myself."

Candy09/27/2020 Good to hear, about the same for me.

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Huitzi nods, humming.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "uh what the hell just happened?" [8:23 PM] Erebus blinks shaking out of his mild shock and frowned

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "I have no idea." Huitzi shrugs.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "yeah I get the feeling this is going to continue to be a wild night... want to go back to JR and let this chaos run its course?"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "I do not know what that is... But sure." Huitzi shrugs.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 He laughed "my home... Juice's home and where Bells lives half the time when they are not with their now husband" He grabbed Huitzi "a whole new multiverse" he smirked and then pulled Huitzi through the Vale

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Huitzi absolutely totally doesn't squeak in surprise.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 He lands in the biggest castle he will ever see in his whole life. It ad a grandness to it that only more modern royalty have but the stone that made up the castle was much much older "Come on Huitzi lets go find something to drink"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Huitzi looks up, wide eyed, mouth hanging open. He feels... so small...

JusticeMom09/27/2020 Erebus chuckles "come on kid lets get going it can take hours to get from one place to the next if the castle is feeling frisky" he grinned wickedly. not a total exaggeration but it can take longer than normal if the castle insists you going through certain halls

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "It's sentient?!" Huitzi half shrieks.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "not like you or I but it has enough magic in it to make it have some sort of cognizance" he said and reached back grabbing  him  and dragging him towards the kitchens ... one of them anyway

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Huitzi just kind of lets him, looking around, slightly paranoid and significantly freaked out.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "calm down its not a person" he said smacking him with a tendril "come on you are no young skeleton anymore. its just a castle "old buildings all have personalities you know now ... um... scratch that I got to do something come with me or shall I dump you in a sitting room until I am done?"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "Please don't leave me." Huitzi hugs the tendril.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 He sighs grabbing Huitzi again and they shortcut into a room where someone is singing and a small sad baby is crying "... "

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Huitzi looks around. He is very much clinging to Erebus.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 Nearby a very... worn looking older Dream without wings is bouncing the tiniest baby biggie Huitzi has ever seen trying to sooth its cries. the aura in the room is pleasant but not too strong. Erebus moves before the giant paladin can ground himself before the two are swapping the baby between them "how long?" "maybe ten minutes or so. nothing major his soul is strong" they are whispering

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Huitzi stands back, completely silent.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 The smaller Dream pauses now seeing the giant Huitzi. "brother why is there a giant version of Juice here with us?" his eye lights have shrank into pinpricks while Erebus is now bouncing the baby in his arms soothing him before offering him the bottle "This is one of Dragon's datemates. Everyone calls him Huitzi" "oh... okay you are very tall" [10:40 PM] foot meet mouth

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "I can get small?" Huitzi whisper-offers.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 He shook his head "no no your fine...we are just working to help sooth baby Altan" he said offering his hand "I am Al Im Erebus's brother"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "It is nice to meet you." Huitzi gently shakes it. "Your brother has been very kind to me. I like him."

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "Kind huh?" he asks looking back at Erebus who looked tense "no fighting the baby just took the bottle" he said his tendrils twitching in annoyance

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "...did I say something wrong?" Huitzi looks worried. "I, uh, apologize?"(edited)

JusticeMom09/27/2020 Al snorted "I have not been back for very long so our relationship is.. rocky to say the least" he huffed "anyway go coo over my nephew he has my name"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Huitzi nods hesitantly and walks over to Erebus. “I still like you.” He softly assures, kneeling down and smiling gently at the bab.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 he was tiny! most babies could at least wrap their little hands around the adult's fingers but not this bab who flailed his tiny hands towards the giant Paladin "... he was born before he even had a form" he said looking at Huitzi "we almost lost him"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "I am glad he survived." Huitzi says softly, offering the little one his hand, giant though it may be.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 The baby grabbed it. it was like having a mouse touch as he continued to nurse his bottle beautiful eye lights watching him such a strange hue of purple

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Huitzi keeps his hand very still, stars absolutely in his eyes.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 when the bab was done with his bottle Erebus pulled it away and the baby giggled starting to babble as he wiggled. He clearly liked this person

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "This is an adorable, precious child." Huitzi purrs, gently twitching his fingers.

JusticeMom09/27/2020 the baby giggled again and babbled a bit more. Erebus waved him back "let me burp him and you can hold him after" he said moving the smol to his shoulder and started patting the bab's back

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Huitzi looks a bit uncertain. "I am... not sure if I'm comfortable with holding him at this size. I believe bitties are a good deal less fragile than babies."

JusticeMom09/27/2020 "hush sit down cross your legs" the goop said pointing a tendril at him "your not going to move a bunch with him but he likes you and he needs things that help his soul grow stronger"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "I can shrink!" Huitzi protests, still doing as he's told. September 28, 2020

JusticeMom09/28/2020 he makes a scolding sound "dont panic he is just a bad.  A preme to be sure but you will do fine. now hold your hands like this" he said showing his goop in a cradling pose. the baby makes a cute little burp sound before wiggling and making sleepy sounds

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 Huitzi cups his hands together.

JusticeMom09/28/2020 Erebus walks over using his tendrils to correct Huitzi's hands a little until he had them right where they needed to be. Draped a blanket over him and gently laid the baby into his arms "being around things that make him smile helps strengthen his soul. He likes you so that means you are good for him" he chuckled using only one corner of the blanket to cover the small as the baby stars up at Huitzi confused. hew as in new hands?

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 "Hello, little one." Huitzi coos, his attention completely devoted to the child, hands held steady with aid from a few tendrils.

JusticeMom09/28/2020 the baby blinks tilting his little head as he makes a happy noise kicking his legs and reaching for the skeleton's face giggling. Yep he likes the big man

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 Huitzi smiles softly and leans his head down into the child's reach.

JusticeMom09/28/2020 the baby grabs at his cheekbones before papping them with a happy squeal. much cute baby

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 The stars are back in his eyes. "Oh my goodness." He whispers.

JusticeMom09/28/2020 "wow" Al mumbled feeling all the happy off him. he had just gotten back with a tray of drinks. one of them a large stein for Huitzi

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 At the moment, Huitzi's attention is entirely on the bab. He doesn't even notice Al's return, he didn't even realize he left in the first place.

JusticeMom09/28/2020 There is whispered conversation and several chuckles of amusement as Huitzi just stares at the baby in his hand. after ages of Huitzi mumbling and playing with the small Altan starts to drift to sleep in his arms

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 Huitzi sings to the baby softly, a lullaby old and foreign. He's smiling, more relaxed than he's been in a very long time.(edited)

JusticeMom09/28/2020 Eventually Altan curled up against his chest holding his shirt with that tiny hands as he drifted off listening to song and soulbeat

JusticeMom09/28/2020 @Askbittyerror

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 Huitzi may be holding back tears.

JusticeMom09/28/2020 The Dream is the one that puts a hand on his shoulder "you okay there big guy? You got a lot of emotions boiling around in there"

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 “I- I apologize.” Huitzi sniffles, a tendril wiping his eyes. “I just… I had a daughter, once.”

JusticeMom09/28/2020 Dream watched him closing his eyes before he nodded "I... know how that feels Huitzi. I had a family once" he gives Erebus a look. the goop looks sheepish but the golden guardian continues "do you want to talk about her?" he offered now crouching arms resting on his legs

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 “Her name was Tepin.” He smiles faintly. “She was just… abandoned, on my doorstep. Somehow. Inside a rescue center. She was sweet and brave and-” His smile falls. “She grew fast, then never stopped.”

JusticeMom09/28/2020 He wined and put a hand on his harm "I'm sorry. it can be really unfair when our children age so much faster than us.... natural or not"

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 Huitzi nods, giving him a weak smile. "I am sorry for bringing the mood down, it wasn't my intention."

JusticeMom09/28/2020 He shook his head "its okay sometimes healing comes in the smallest of places" He said looking down at his tiny namesake

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 “Your child is precious.” Huitzi smiles.

JusticeMom09/28/2020 "My nephew" he said offering to take the child "Erebus and Bells's  or correction Morpheus and Bells's little one"

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 Huitzi hands Altan over, very carefully and with some aid from his tendrils. "I dont believe I have met any Morpheus yet."

JusticeMom09/28/2020 "probably not. there was an m!a I think they call it. It fused Erebus and Dream into one person" he says walking to the crib and gently laying Altan in it "Erebus does not want to do it again because he has become corrupted once more. He doesn't want to stain Dream with that part of him"

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 "Oh." Huitzi says, looking around for Erebus. "...I do not believe I have met this Dream either."

JusticeMom09/28/2020 "Juice? maybe not? He was back at the party" he said as Erebus walked back in with a non corrupted Nightmare in toe "hey what are you doing? Erebus!?" he was stumbling to keep at the goop's pace

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 "...hello?" Huitzi looks over.

JusticeMom09/28/2020 He stumbles forward and dusts himself off "oh... you are a very big version of my brother" he said sockets round now

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 "I assume your brother is a Paladin then." Huitzi smiles, offering him his hand. "I am Huitzi. May I have your name?"

JusticeMom09/28/2020 He takes the hand shaking it "Nightmare... I do not have any nicknames like everyone else" he said before leaning in to Al ad whispering "what's a Paladin?"

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 "A bitty, looks like me but, well, bitty sized!" Huitzi smiles. "I was one, once."

JusticeMom09/28/2020 He nods slowly "uhhuh Erebus why are you bringing crazy monsters to the house?" he askes before Erebus laughed "more like I am taking you back to the party" he said "you good to travel big guy? they are having all the fun without us"

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 Huitzi nods, smiling brightly. "Yes. Thank you for allowing me to hold your child."

JusticeMom09/28/2020 He waved a hand "you did as much for us as he did for you. Also visit. You are related to him after all. How I am not one hundred percent in which context but you are" He grabs all three of them, yes all three, and pulls everyone across the multiverse back to the chaotic party

[crowsent]

Can you explain the color switch technique for theater more clearly? I'm going to audition for our high school play and I want a reliable way to act without having to relive my worst memories.

dunno when exactly you sent this anon, but i hope i havent responded too late.

SO. the colour switch technique. dunno if its an official name or whatever BUT its essentially used in theatre or really in any other scenario where you have to lie or assume an emotion that you’re not currently feeling. essentially, you have to play a role. but since you said youre auditioning for a play, we focusin on the theatre aspect of it.

the most common thing i see or hear people do when they need to play an emotion that they just aren’t feeling at that moment, is to think of a personal event in their lives that elicits that specific emotion. it WILL work, or at the very least, elicit a strong emotion that pushes you to make your scene more believable and more alive. now thats great if the memory or event is a happy one. thinking of the first time you ever held your baby sibling, or that time you had your first kiss, or that day your parents surprised you with a new car. genuine happiness, or the memory of genuine happiness can work wonders to make a scene look and feel organic.

but if the emotion is negative, its going to absolutely DECIMATE your mental health.

no matter how much you think that ‘its just for a scene’ or that it wont actually affect you when youre off the stage, using the “relive memory to recreate emotion” method can and will fuck your mental health sideways with a chainsaw. its BAD for you to constantly think of painful or sad memories. there’s rehearsals, the actual performance, and worse, memories of the play itself. associating the memory of a tragic accident or a bad fight to a scene of a play youre participating in IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU.

i did theatre back in highschool. my depression at that stage was also. uh. particularly bad. so the whole “relive traumatic memories to experience pain so you can act better” is TERRIBLE advise. dont listen to anyone who tells you to do it. it WILL negatively impact your mental health AND your memories of the play, and may even discourage you from participating in future plays yourself.

but you still need to find a way to channel those emotions.

in comes colour switch theory. or technique. whatever its called. my theatre directors were GODDESSES. they recommended this technique to EVERYONE and it WORKS.

the trick is to associate a particular colour with a particular emotion, or even facial expression. when you need to keep a stoic face, you picture the colour in your mind and chant it in your head over and over to not break character. when you need to be sad, just repeat the colour you chose for sadness over and over to get yourself in the mindset WITHOUT hurting your mental health. for me, some of the colours i chose were:

blue- sadness/loneliness

red- anger

black- nothingness

grey- fear

there are more, but lets focus on these four. blue is my favourite colour. but thinking of the colour blue it doesnt automatically make me sad, so i can still enjoy it when im off stage. to channel the emotion of sadness or loneliness that i tied with the colour blue, i think of sadness from inside out and her blue motif. i think of the blue colour commonly depicted for tears. i think of cold and i think of a single person all alone, curled up in a blue room, crying.

just talking about this made my body curl up when i was writing that paragraph. i am shaking, and i feel sad, but when i stopped thinking about that imagery, it stopped. because its not a painful or traumatic memory for me, i can just yeet the blue emotion imagery away from me when i dont want it. you cant do that with personal memories and thats what makes the colour switching strategy so good. you can act better but you dont have to hurt yourself to do it.

think of it as constructing a bubble in your head, or a room you go to when you need to feel something. for anger, i think of a red room. i think of that red emoji with the brows scrunched up and the teeth gnashed together. i think of being so angry you lose words. i think of being red-faced because you just cant control it. conveniently, anger from inside out is also red, so i can think of him too. i think of fire in my veins, hot and ready to explode with nowhere to go but loud, violent screaming. and as im writing this, i can picture myself on a stage just shouting at whoeever has done my character wrong.

same goes for black and grey. black is just when i need to keep a straight face. when i need to be stoic or unimpressed. and its just a black room. nothingness. i sometimes picture that black room in real life when i have to not laugh at something funny if the timing is inappropriate, or when i have to keep a strong facade when i want to cry. i picture that room of nothingness and my mind goes blank. and i can keep a stoic face. the grey room is fog and shadows just in the corner of my eye. its something closing in that i cant see because of all the grey swirling around me. i dont know if im alone. i dont know if i am safe because i can only see a foggy room.

all in all, mentally travelling to a room in your mind created for the express purpose of eliciting a specific emotion is better than just retraumatising yourself. and its really simple to create these rooms. you dont even have to use the same colours i did.

maybe you have more trouble with expressing lovey dovery emotions. you can make red your love room. think of red flowers on valentines day, the red heart decals you see on store windows, the red box of chocolate youd give to a lover. red is passion, red is life, and you can associate things like that with your red room if you want. its like a venn diagram. things you associate with red on the left, things you associate with the emotion on the right, and the things they have in common can be used to construct the imagery of the emotion colour switch room.

then you can just chant red red red in your mind and you think of the blush on the fair maidens cheek as her knight comes to rescue her. you can think of a scarlet dress dazzling everyone in the room, but the wearer only has eyes for one man. you can think of lipstick stain against a collar.

you can associate any emotion with any colour. my process was:

pick a colour

pick an emotion/facial expression

picture a small room in your mind

fill that room with things or imagery that match your emotion or expression

be as specific or as generic as you want

you can have a green room dedicated to irritation or envy or just the loose feeling that youre not completely happy. the reasoning can be just bc you thought of the phrase “green with envy” and thought itd be neat. green can be a mother experiencing the joy of holding her child for the first time because green=nature=nurturing=mother.

establish a connection with that colour. fill out your room and create the keyword to get in. im very unoriginal so my keyword was just chanting the colour name over and over in my head. if i say blue enough times i get sad, even if i dont picture the room bc my mind has formed a link to that state of being. and i can break away without much trouble bc the connection is just on the surface.

colour switch is hair chalk. reliving memories is hair dye. at the end of the day, both of them colour hair. but you can wipe off the hair chalk w relative ease but a thorough hair dye that produces vibrant colours cant easily be removed, even when you want to switch to a different colour, or maybe even lose the dye completely.

i would recommend picking an emotion or expression that youre not good at portraying, but dont struggle with as much for your first room. i am not good at expressing sadness, but im worst at expressing upset or anger. so when i first started my colour switch mindset room, i started with sadness. it helps me express an emotion that im not particularly good at expressing, while still being relatively easy for me to get the hang of. maybe try for the second or third worst emotion you express, build a room to channel that emotion, and establish your connection.

make it a well-tread path, essentially. first few times are gon be difficult, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. all i need now to fake-cry is picturing the blue room, saying blue a bunch of times, and making a face. then i cry. completely fake and not damaging to my health.

i hope this makes sense for you. if it doesnt, feel free to send in an ask with more detailed questions abt the parts youre confused about or anything else. same goes for anyone who happens to read this that has an interest in theatre. id rather answer a dozen asks of the same question than have any of yall do something so harmful to your mental health. if anything was at all confusing, please feel free to tell me and ill gladly clarify some more. stay safe and take care of yourselves. and to the anon who asked, i hope your play goes well

[ramblingrockerblog]

‘The Lightbulb Effect’

‘Lightbulb Effect' You know the one? when you get an idea or come to a realization and suddenly everything in your life makes sense? I still remember my 'Lightbulb' moment, I was 24 and was having one of my... lets call them 'Rough Weeks'. Since leaving high school (now over 10 years ago wow!) I never knew what I wanted to do, some kids grow up wanting to be Doctors, others join the forces or maybe others flitter around for years between jobs, or in my case college courses, lets go back a bit shall we...

When I was 17 I took a carpentry and joinery course, I did really well, all my work was completed I passed the first year and was on course to complete the whole qualification... what did I do? I quit 3 months from the end... foolish? perhaps although as I sit here thinking about it I cant say I regret my decision. Deep down I knew it wasn't what I wanted to do. After leaving Id always hoped Id find that 'one thing' in my life that I could pour my everything into, unfortunately that search was always blighted by a lack of self confidence, anxiety and a few bouts of depression.

Where do these issues stem from? By all means my life has not been a bad one, I've always had a roof over my head a warm bed to sleep in and food in my belly (and for this I'm very grateful). Without using it as an excuse I also come from a broken home and have had more than a few issues with my father. I dealt with it, I made the decision to see my local counsellor and after a years worth of sessions I walked out that door a stronger person and closed the book on those issues.

Between the ages of 18-24 I used to worry alot. Anxiety has always been a big part of me, people used to say that my middle name was 'Worry'. This was escalated by the witnessing of my then housemate, and best friend in a horrific car accident. At 18, and sustaining the injuries he did he is very lucky to be here now. I call him ‘the machine’ because he's a tough bastard and an inspiration and I'm so proud of everything he's achieved since the accident. Its in those moments and the years that follow that you reflect and you realise who and what is most important.

Those years of my life were not all negative. There was lots of positives, I passed my driving test (got myself a little motor), my first niece arrived, and there where many weekend nights spent at my local rock and metal club 'The Waterfront'. The floor was sticky, the ceilings would drip with perspiration and the toilets were proper grim but that place (as weird as it sounds) was home! It was my kind of music and my kind of people. From nights spent there with the gang I have nothing but fond memories, and with beers priced at £1.50 you really couldn't go wrong... well you could, because if you didn't drink your can (that's right... a can) quick enough you'd have warm beer!

So Id get up everyday I went to work and at one point rented my own apartment... you could say I had the lot, the car, the pad and money in the bank but I couldn't shake the strong desire to better myself to become a more confident outgoing person but what was it that I really wanted to do...cue lightbulb moment...

It was January 2014 it was cold and everything I hate about winter! (I'm a 28 degrees plus and blazing sunshine boy) as I mentioned before I was having one of my' Rough Weeks' a friend had given me his copy of 'Early Years The Best Of Led Zeppelin' and in anticipation of his 'What did you think'? enquiry I knew it was time to dive in. I had those useless electric heaters in my apartment... you know the ones... night storage heating, where the heat would be released gradually throughout the day? great idea! except I think mine were from the 50′s so all heat would be lost buy at least 5pm! Not ideal in the dark of winter.

So I would use this little halogen heater, that I would bring up close when I was sitting on my desktop (yep I still had a desktop in 2014) this particular night I was drinking my poison... rum on the rocks. Led Zeppelin was blasting from the speakers, now this best of Zeppelin had some classic bangers 'Whole Lotta Love' 'Communication Breakdown' 'Rock And Roll' and 'Black Dog' and then began track 8... 'Since I've Been Loving You'.

I cant really describe that moment, from the opening chords of Jimmy Pages guitar, John Bonham's drums and then of course Robert Plants wailing vocals... as cliché as it sounds there in those 7 minutes 23 seconds I was lost... I just listened... something about that piece of music got me, spoke to me and still does today (its on now as I write this) and that's when it hit me ... what couldn't I live without? what did I immerse myself in everyday? where did I go when I wanted to escape? ... cue lightbulb... MUSIC....

There with my rum, halogen heater and wearing the worlds most unflattering woolly hoodie and Adidas tracksuit bottoms (which I think were passed down from my brother, I must have stopped growing when I was 17) it all made sense... MUSIC...

Id attended numerous gigs and festivals prior to the lightbulb moment, I have some special memories from Download Festival 2009 and 2010. I met the top hat himself 'Slash', from Guns and Roses back in 2012. Slash, Myles and The Conspirators at Brixton Academy 'Apocalyptic Love Tour'. He was a true hero, me and my brother had queued in line for about an hour backstage after the show, when he came out he stood there and signed something and chatted to every single fan that had queued. My guitar plate that I had removed the prior evening 'just in case' and he signed is one of my most prized possessions. For those interested he asked 'If Id enjoyed the show?' I think my response was meant to be something resembling a sentence but I'm sure I only managed a series of noises and squeaks.

Even though this was a significant lead up to the lightbulb moment even now I look back and think why did it then take me another 2 years to decide to go for the music thing? Ever since I was a kid Id always found peace and an escape in music, I used to buy cassettes when I was a kid. Growing up with two older brothers meant I was exposed to so much music as a youngster. Id lived through the era of Britpop and grown up with both older brothers taking opposite ends of the spectrum (one was a Oasis fan the other was Blur). ‘Dave Pierces Dance Anthems’ on Radio One on a Sunday Night must also get a mention It didn't get any better than that!

2011 onwards Id always (even though I wouldn't call them that at the time) been writing lyrics, in my counselling sessions I was encouraged to find an outlet for my frustration and anger I was tied of it being drink so I started channelling my emotions and feelings on paper, this wasn't of course my only inspiration for my lyrics the usual... love lost... lust etc. I could still tell you where I was when I wrote my first ever lyrics, what the weather was like etc... funny that I'm a very sentimental person and something like that I never want to forget.

I must also mention that without my good friend... lets call him 'D' I don't think I would have taken those lyrics any further he saw something in them. I remember I let him read 'the book' one day and he really wanted me to consider creating melodies, and turning them into songs along with him. So we tried it and we did really well for what you would call 'bedroom musicians' those where some good times in my apartment sitting there sometimes till 3AM drinking ale, coming up with melodies and me constantly looping lyrics trying to fit to his guitar parts... I'm forever grateful to D and his encouragement and belief In me... more about D and our little project later.

So most of 2011 2012 and 2013 I wrote nearly everyday, I've gotten a memory stick, books and scraps of paper etc. all containing my lyrics. Still I never took that step forward I always believed I wasn't good enough ... remember issues! But then the lightbulb moment happened and it all made sense ... music is what I had a passion for! writing is what I believed I was good at and what I enjoyed doing. From there I knew what I wanted to do or at least be able to say I was involved in.

K.    

[citanasworld]

I just realized I have never posted an original work so i guess i can now 😅, be gentle i haven't written in years (literally like 7/8 years) and this was the first thing i came back with

There they were sitting across a table avoiding eye contact as they separately counted down to what would be the most uncomfortable emotional situation either had been put in.

Their mutual friend Darron walked into the room to explain exactly why he brought both of them together in this awkwardly painful reunion.

"Alrightt, Lunaa.. Natee, I think it's about time you 2 talked. I don't care if you walk out of here friends or not but I've heard 2 very different stories and you need to explain how you feel to one another because your constant fighting and negative energy anytime you see each other is starting to affect not only me but everyone. So talk it out, RESPECTFULLY." He made immediate eye contact with Luna knowing she was they type in fights to go for the low blow. He walked out and closed the door slowly while Luna and Nate turned to make eye contact for the first time since they had been put into this room together.

"Luna i know we didn't end on super great terms last time we spo-" Nate was cut off mid sentence when Luna had burts out laughing

"When was that? Ohhh yeah when you disrespected my fiancé in an attempt to get me angry? Yeah i wouldn't say we ended on 'super great terms' Nathaniel." She said the last part sarcastically rolling her eyes and looking towards the door.

"Haa, well i meant more so the part where you threatened to 'knock everything last tooth and brain cell out of my skull' or do you not remember that part doll"

Her head snapped back immediately and she looked furious "Oh i remember that clearly and it was 'fucking skull' if you want to quote me at least quote me accurately. And NEVER... call me doll again" she leaned in close speaking the last part very articulatly to make her point clear.

"Alright, alright I'll back off; however i see you're still as fiesty as ever" he continued before she could interrupt with a comeback "look my version of this is pretty cut and dry so I'll tell you mine you tell me yours and if we can't see eachothers sides you can walk out that door and we never have to speak again. Deal? For Darrons sake?" He reached his hand out to shake on the terms with a smile

"For darron. And i will leave.." he reached out and grabbed her hand. "I hate you, just so you know." Luna spat at him while pulling her hand back to her side and making a face and Nate. To which he replied with a sincere smile, "oh, darling.. you break my heart" he said light heartedly to try to ease the tension

"You don't have a heart to break." She replied shortly showing absolutely no emotion whatsoever.

His smile grew back to the emotionless frown he always wore

"Alright have it your way."

"Always have, haven't I"

"Snarky as ever.. alright fine" Nate began glaring at Luna knowing she was an empath and that she could only have this emotional blockade up for a short time before it came tumbling down and she would feel all the pain and despair she caused him.

"The way i see it we were friends, and then all of a sudden Simon is the center of your universe and you could give a fuck less about me. Then i try to come to you because i miss you and you say there's some deeper problem. If there was a deeper problem why didnt you just come to me? I just wa-"

"WHY DIDNT I JUST COME TO YOU? NATHANIEL DO NOT START WITH ME." She exclaimed, surprised he even had the audacity to act like she was the villan of this story.

"Alright if I'm explaining this incorrectly maybe you should tell me how things 'reallly were' brat."

"Ohkay well let's start with where things actually went wrong you fucking ingrate. Lets start with the fact that I have loved you and wanted to do everything for you and that was apparently not enough. Lets star-"

"Alright doll, get on with it. Tell me what exactly it is i did to make you go from loving me as much as you did to hating my guts and seeing me as this evil narcissistic demon you paint me out to be."

"Nathaniel. Let me make one thing clear before i tell you exactly how i see things. I don't hate you, unfortunately no matter how much i try i cant bring myself to hate you or stop caring about you even though you strung me along for years and shattered my god damn heart, i still cant fucking hate you. And if you genuinely think i do then I'm sorry but you're just stupid."

"Pfftt could have fooled me. I think the cold shoulder you've been giving me these past few years gave me frostbite" Nate said with a smile hoping he could get Luna to crack even the faintest smile, he hadn't seen her smile in 3 years and he missed it so much.

"I'm not in the mood for jokes.. look i loved you so fucking much i would do anything to make you happy. We had constant bickering of who loved who more and things were great. Then i move 10 hours away and its the most painful, heartbreaking, gut wrenching thing i ever experienced and you just disappear, you stop talking to me everyday and I'm lucky if i got a response once every other week and maybe a video call with you and Darron once a month and that's being generous to you. And then while being heartbroken that the person i loved basically just disappeared on me then Elaine had to tell me her sister saw you out with NOT ONE. BUT TWO DIFFERENT FUCKING GIRLS ON DATES. WHat the actual fuck was that shit Nathani-"

"Look i dont know what tale you're spinning but we were never dating and i-"

"I KNOW AND THAT'S THE WORST PART OF IT ALL. I LET YOU LEAD ME ON IN HOPES ONE DAY YOU'D STOP FUCKING EVERYTHING WITH A FUCKING HOLE AND WOULD ACTUALLY SETTLE DOWN AND LOVE ME BECAUSE 'YoU lOvEd Me MoRe TiMeS iNfInItY aNd YoU aLwAyS wIlL' you fucking ungrateful son of a bitch you made me fall for you. And dont start with the i meant it as friends thing because i did not treat you like a friend and you know it. I never cuddled and kissed my other friends. I never made plans to move across the country alone with one of them and spend the rest of our lives together and you knew exactly what you were doing you FUCKING NARCISSISTIC ASSHOLE"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT" Nate snapped yelling as loud as he could; as he leaned in closer to Luna. They both just stared at each other in silence, Nate was waiting for the waterworks to start, anytime he yelled at her before she'd cry and he could comfort her and things got better but not a single tear fell.

"Nathaniel. I'm sorry I've been raising my voice but i swear to whatever the fuck god you wanna believe in that if you EVER raise your voice at me again i will fucking kill you without the slightest hesitation, do I make myself clear?"

They sat in silence as they had a stare down waiting for the other to break, but Luna grew tired of this game so she continued her point "Regardless if you meant it or not, knew what you were doing or not, you lead me on, For years, point fucking blank ohkay? I loved you and waited for you for years just to have my heart shattered. I genuinely cant tell you how many people i slept with to get over you."

This took Nate off guard and he couldn't hide the glint of jealousy that flashed across his face at the thought of her touching someone else the way she used to touch him, god just the thought of it made his stomach turn

"And after doing that and not succeeding in fucking you out of my system i was even more upset and broken" her voice broke and she had to take a second to compose herself so she wouldn't start to cry once she calmed down she continued

"Simon was the best friend that was there for me after you destroyed me. He picked up the pieces and put me back together, and didn't expect anything in return, he did it as a friend. He makes me happy and makes me feel loved-"

"Uuugghhhhh skip this part. You know how i feel about Simon." Nate groaned

"I just wanted to make it clear that he's the reason I'm back to myself and didn't end up destroying my life or overdosing to kill myself you dickhead. And i was content pretending like you never broke my heart and destroyed me. I was fine pretending like we were friends for Darrons sake. And then you saw how happy i was with Simon and decided you didnt like me loving someone other than you and made it very apparent how much you hated him. You got pissy anytime i showed him affection AND HE AND I WERE IN AN ACTUAL DEFINED RELATIONSHIP. And then when i stopped being around you because of how you were acting about simon and i you decided to drunk text me some god damn apology about how you were treating Simon and like thanks but how fucking dare you act like that's where our problems started. It was way before that. And to add fuel to the fire when i didnt accept your shitty apology you decided to misgender and deadname my boyfriend to try and what? hit a nerve and get me to talk to you? Like fuck off you egotistical self centered prick. But whatever at this point I've come to expect nothing less of you."

Tears were welling up and she couldn't hold them back any longer. Nathaniel took a moment and watched her, studied her face to see if there was any feeling towards him that wasnt hurt or anger that was salvageable

"..I'm sorry I made you feel that way about me. But i still love you and care about you Luna. I never stopped, even when we didn't talk for weeks i was always thinking about yo-"

"I tried to talk to you every single day Nathaniel. If you miss someone you talk to them not ignore them and fuck anything with a pulse"

"okay.. that's fair i deserve that. But please stop rebutting everything i say its not progressing this conversation..unless your plan is to spend the rest of our lives in this room arguing which with you doesn't sound to bad, doll" he threw in a wink and reached for Lunas hands. She pulled them back before he could even reach her hands "what the fuck did i say about that name" "awhh come on Luna i know that's your favorite nickname"

"YOU DON'T GET TO CALL ME THAT."

"Does Simon call you that now? Or is it still my special nickname"

"Simon knows that being called Doll makes my stomach turn amd my skin crawl." she looked Nate up and down to emphasize her point "for obvious reasons." Nate simply smiled "Luna keep up this tough girl act i like the look of it on you. But we both know underneath that tough shielded exterior is my soft babydoll that just wants love and acceptance from everyone that lays their eyes on her no-" "You think you know me but you know who i used to be. That 'soft doll' you love so much? You killed her, a long time ago and I've changed"

"Show me the new you then. I can promise I'll love any version of you as long as its you"

"STOP..saying you love me Nate you're trying to get in my head." She looked away from him and tried to pretend like she didnt still care. Nate reached out and turned her to face him "you and i both know i mean it Lunabel, i will always love and care for you. Thats why darron wanted us to talk things out. Please believe me I've changed, i go to therapy, i haven't touched any drugs or alcohol in a year, and im working on my problems. I know you dont want me in that way but i need to be part of your life Lun, i cant stop thinking about you. You were my best friend, the person i went to for anything without fear of judgment please don't take the only light in my life away from me."

"Nathaniel.. you know I'll never stop loving you but we're toxic to each other and only make one another spiral down. We just bring out the worst in eachother, and frankly, I don't like who you turn me into." He looked down defeated knowing where this was going to lead, but she pulled his face up to meet his eyes to hers "..i am.. so proud of you for getting sober Nate, words cant explain how happy i am you're getting help and bettering yourself. And I'll always care about you but i can't see a future for us where we can be close friends anymore, its not in the cards for us" he rested his head against her hand not wanting this moment to end, he missed her touch, how she could calm every ache and pain both mental and physical by just touching him. He hadn't felt a moment of peace like this since she left his life. She started to pull her hand away and instinctually he grabbed her hand and held it back to his face, tears starting to build

"fuck the cards, Luna please give me another chance as a friend please i miss you in my life and healing cant progress if i dont have you by my side"

Luna pulled her hand back to her side realizing she had made a mistake touching him like that, she felt the hair on her arms stand up and the anxiety rush up her fingertips and into her whole body, Her heart started to race and tears started to well in her eyes "Nate you and I both know you can't rely on someone else when you're trying to heal, it's not healthy on either end of the relationship; If you truly need someone to rely on that person should be Darron or a family member, not your ex-whatever I am."

Luna stood up to head for the door when Nate grabbed her hand to ask one final question, "Do you still love me Lunabel?"

There was a moment of silence as she pondered on this question, "Nate, you know the answer is yes but no amount of love can erase the past. Keep doing good and being sober, im proud of you." she pulled her hand back to herself and continued towards the door as Nate stared at her and watched her walk out of his life for the last time "I'll always love you Lunabel..." she stopped for a second to turn slightly, "I know Nathaniel.. I know." she continued out the door and walked away with the weight of a thousand tons rolling off her shoulders as she closed that chapter of her life and moved on with Simon to her happy life.