#its so much more complicated but god. coming from him? im fucking baffled

[peachypinkygloss]

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[tigerdrop]

Cringe is dead, talk to me about the funny half-life men and their relationship

okay here is my essay. it is titled These Guys Actually Like Each Other, and Gordon Freeman Is Just Kind Of A Dick*

(disclaimer: these are just my 2 cents. dont take me too seriously! im just some guy online who has watched this shit too many times.)

first things first. these guys actually like each other. this is a key aspect of their relationship. benrey, obviously and textually, digs gordon freeman - you dont flirt that heavily with guys you arent into, and so much of what he says and does is geared around making gordon crack up. thats pretty gay.

but the counterpart to this is that gordon freemans pretty fucking gay for benrey, too. you may say, “oh, but word of god says its not requited!” and to you i will say: bull shit. gordon is uniquely obsessed with benrey compared to all the other characters. if gordon didnt like the fucking guy, he wouldnt giggle with him and share in-jokes with him and bring him up every 5 seconds when benreys not around. thats concern, bro. thats worry. thats real shit

but i cant blame people for thinking that gordon freeman genuinely doesnt like benrey. benreys partially responsible for some of the worst things that have happened to him, the Arm Thing among them. and gordons very insistent afterward that he doesnt like benrey. he even goes so far as to try to kill benrey a couple times. to this, i must argue that gordon freeman is just kind of a dick.

lets talk facts here. canon. Lore. from the moment we hop into gordons shoes, we can see that he is a jerk to every npc on his way into black mesa. this is his default: a dude who just runs his mouth and says rude shit. he calls tommy a freak within 5 minutes of meeting him. he infantilizes the guy and barely considers him a real scientist. he doubts that bubby is a real name for like no fuckin reason. in “real life”, this is because its funny, and wayne is trying to make a funny half-life stream. in a textual sense, this is because gordon “hlvrai” freeman is a dick. this is the way he acts, consistently, throughout the series.

(brief aside: this is why the whole “gordon is a nice guy and a great dad” characterization baffles me. the way he actually acts in canon is, in short, bitchy and lacking in self-awareness. and i love that for him, i really do. it makes the moments where he just tries to be a nice guy stand out. but thats the thing: his intermittent moments of decency and kindness are not the whole of his personality! this dude kind of sucks most of the time!)

the way that gordons general asshole attitude extends to benrey is complicated. in fairness, benrey makes it his job to annoy the shit out of gordon as much as possible, and that warrants a negative attitude, but gordons pretty paranoid and ends up blaming benrey for nearly everything that happens to him, regardless of if its warranted. this is a pattern he exhibits both before and after the Arm Thing. its a little bit of a dick move! especially considering that, prior to the whole “betrayal” subplot (which was not exactly planned very far in advance), benrey is no more malicious or annoying than anybody else gordons having to travel with.

(okay, this is kind of a subjective evaluation, but still. my point stands that benrey is not any more of a hindrance to his progress than anybody else in the science crew, and neither is he particularly more violent or murderous. hell, gordon freeman has probably killed more guys than benrey. benrey just tends to get.......special treatment.)

all that said, i am still convinced that gordon really fucking likes benrey. please consider with me the following: it would be remarkably easy for gordon to just ignore him and do what he has to do, but he doesnt. he could stop engaging. he could stop thinking about benrey. he could stop bringing benrey up to the rest of the crew every time benrey leaves to do his own thing for awhile. but he doesnt. and, again, yeah, the extra-textual reason for this is “two guys are doing an improv comedy thing and bouncing off of scorpy is kind of the point”, but within the text it reads to me as gordon not being about to get the dude off his mind.

and this is in addition to all the times we see gordon being genuinely nice and receptive toward benrey! its in the little things: laughing the hardest and longest at benreys jokes. only ever reciprocating that stupid underwater “BBBBB” thing with benrey. trying to catch benrey when he falls, despite his insistence moments earlier that benrey should hop in the wack ass crystal generator and get hypermurdered. fondly remarking that benreys sweet voice sounds beautiful. his sort of flustered responses to most of benreys overt flirting. none of this is the way normal people react to a guy they hate. this is all fuckin gay to me, man.

its this combination of the outward insistence that gordon hates benrey with his inner eagerness to be around him and think about him and engage with him that gives off strong “repression” vibes, to me. for whatever reason - pride, embarrassment, resentment - gordon maintains a front of hating the guy and wanting to kill him for a lot of the series, but it doesnt gel with the way he fucking giggles and plays along half the time that benrey starts fucking with him. its a game, and that game is one of the only ways gordon knows to manifest affection for him.

(remember “oh my god, hes got a knife!”? that was the gayest shit i ever seen in my life. tittering like a schoolgirl while benrey chases him around like “im gonna get you haha”. insanity.)

the cool thing about repression is that you can have it manifest in a lot of ways! and this is where things like “headcanons” and “my own personal affection for repressed bisexual men” come in. a lot of how i characterize their relationship is an extrapolation of a lot of things like gordons canonical insecurity issues/anxiety, gordons whole anti-bootboy thing screaming “internet wokeboy who means well but probably has a lot of repressed baggage” to me, etc.

how do you get massive amounts of sexual repression out of what you see in canon, you might ask? well. if wayne would stop having gordon talking about being jerked off by the suit, or talking about chugging a 40-gal drum of potion and having to hold his piss, or worrying about being eaten by benrey the moment he sees benrey at setscale 10, maybe i would have a higher opinion of gordon “hlvrai” freeman and whatever latent psychosexual issues hes got going on. but here we are

i havent even touched yet upon how benrey feels about gordon. this one is helpfully made a little more plain by the fact that benrey very much wants to suck his dick in canon. (i dont even have to go into details. we all know.) but IMO the best part about this ship isnt just that they dig each other, but how. benrey gets overtly flirtatious in the second half of the series, but IMO his preferred method of flirting is just fucking with gordon: chasing him with knives, shoving him around in a bathroom, trying to get scans of his feet. but all in like a slapstick, giggly, fun-and-games sense, you know? at least when it works.

a lot of the time, though, it doesnt work out that way. he clearly just likes doing it whether or not gordon responds positively. which is, you know, Weird. not very nice. but also in line with the way everybody else treats gordon freeman. gordons kind of the universes chew toy in any given universe, and the same holds true here. hes kind of helpless......subjected to 4 demons attempting to make his life as difficult as possible. in a way its cathartic.

sorry. i got sidetracked. anyway, benrey very much likes to mess with him and unnerve him and demean him and i will be perfectly frank with you: that is hot. i have problems and illnesses and one of them is that i am a masochist who goes crazy for that kind of thing. calling gordon a “dirty lil boy” and telling him to “look at the mess [he] made” is some straight up kink scene shit.

i like to imagine that a lot of this behavior isnt caused just by the guy who played him wanting to be funny and antagonistic, but by benrey as a character not really understanding what constitutes “pushing a joke too far”. hes not human, and whatever he is doesnt have a very normative way of understanding the world around him, full of people who actually get hurt for real and die for real. benrey expresses what seems to be genuine surprise and distress after the Arm Thing, as if he didnt know that his actions would have serious consequences. and it doesnt seem to fully sink in afterward, either.

it reads a lot to me like hes used to video game rules and treating people around him like NPCs. if they get hurt, its no big deal, because its not real. he likes jamming random buttons on gordons interface and seeing what comes out. its probably a lot of fun for him, the same way that seeing a streamer or a youtuber suffer for our amusement is fun. its like, you know, in my opinion, gordons very cute when hes frazzled. hes also cute when hes laughing. pushing gordons buttons has a 50/50 chance of either of these things. and this is how he ultimately flirts with gordon: by pulling his pigtails.

but at the same time, benrey does legit care about gordon and knows some boundaries. benreys the one most often shooting at enemies to protect gordon, and he spent most of the last act trying to convince gordon to turn around and not fight him because they were friends (best friends, to be specific). he just lacks a lot of the emotional intelligence it would take to express the feeling of “he digs gordon and likes seeing his face get all red and sweaty regardless of the cause”. and gordon lacks the emotional intelligence it would take to express the fact that he doesnt know if he likes or hates benrey and hes scared as hell that its the former

because, lets be real. unironic benrey-liking is a sign of problems disorder. just look at all these words ive written about it.

can you imagine? this bizarrely powerful, non-human entity that can shrug off gunfire and grow to the size of a building has decided that youre his new plaything. benreys the bored guy booting up skyrim and fucking around in the console, and gordons the hapless favorite follower that hes taken a liking to. its a really fun dynamic IMO

after all this, its safe to say my title is a little misleading. the asterisk stands for * and So Is Benrey, Actually. they are both kind of awful dudes who thrive off of teasing each other and they deserve each other. and i am crazy about it. thank u for coming to my TED talk

[p1nkwitch]

If I can request one more lonelyeyes than can I have 36?

Its still lonelyeyes but with James/Peter first because you stumped me completely, I was on a soft roll!! What have you done? Is it because I never write sad stuff for realsies isn't it?

Jokes on you, I can still turn this boat around and get fluff at the end :)

36- “We can never be together” kiss

James was being difficult and it was starting to piss him off, they have been going out, not speaking well, which for him is quite the feat. The older man was… well he was handsome and he would have to admit that he enjoyed his company, perhaps-

Perhaps a little more than that, but lately he had been acting off and Peter was getting very frustrated, he even has been slowly making attempts at showing interest for something… more.

He was somewhat clumsy since he was not used to that kind of stuff, however he was calmly rebuffed, even if months ago the man would laugh a little and flirt back with interest. The sting of rejection was delightful in its own way, but he really did want the other one to reciprocate.

It was maddening.

So he invites him for dinner when he is in land, James was about to deny him, but he said it was in that particular restaurant that he likes, reserved and prepared just for them. He sees the hesitation crumble and he accepts.

Feeling much more pleased he tells him the time and date and disappears from his office. Now with a better mood he gets some clothes fit for the occasion and makes sure everything is set perfectly, with any luck this time he won't get rebuffed, or if he is he will ask for an explanation.

Peter is aware of the age difference between them, very much so, but its not so much the body rather than the man who despite his looks is sharp and funny in his own way, who delights on their own wagers and knows when to drop it and leave him alone if they get into a fight.

So yes, Peter is charmed despite everything. Forsaken curls and uncurls around him, trying to figure out what to do with him. He won't abandon it, that's also the reason why he likes the man, he understands his connection to his god and is aware that he won't choose him before it, a relationship between them would be nothing if productive for both.

Finally the day arrives and he gets there a little bit late 15 minutes or so, not wanting to give the man the inkling that he was expecting him. Of course James merely gives him a look, raises an annoyed eyebrow and walks inside, leaving him feeling cold and delighted.

The dinner goes off without a hitch, they talk and joke, make a few comments about sacrifices for their gods, it all goes well. He looks at James while sipping some wine and sees a small smile that lets him know it's not all going bad, maybe this changes his mind finally!

So it goes and he shifts ever so slightly towards him during the course of it. He doesn't comment or rebuff him, so things are looking up.

Finally its time for desert and he asks for some cake, the man looks delighted and eats it rather happily, Peter asks for a slice of apple crumble rather than the chocolate cake, so after giving it a few looks the other man sighs and asks if he wants to try it. Grinning he nods and tries to steal some, but its stopped by him who takes a piece with his fork and offers it at him with a challenging smirk.

He stops, too close, but also not enough.

Ugh-

James rolls his eyes and eats it instead, offering the plate, making him huff. Still he tries it and its very good, mmm maybe he should make some chocolate muffins before he goes away again its been a while-

Anyways, once done he offers to go along with him to take him home and that's when he sees him frown and stiffen. Peter hesitates a little bit unsure of what the issue was.

“Peter… i appreciate the company i do, but this is not… whatever this is, its not going further. It can't, i apologize if i gave you the wrong idea” He blinks rapidly and tries to understand, he flirted back, he knows he did, he-

Did he read it wrong this entire time? Forsaken is tugging at him to disappear and forget this now, to erase any shame or embarrassment and let him be released from it. But-

No, he needs to figure it out first, it can have been just him!!! He saw the beholder smiles and flushed faces, it's not just him.

“Why? You flirted back, im not, its not just me, so what is the problem!” He is a little bit more annoyed at it and he can already hear the distorted sound of the lonely around them, keeping people out from seeing them or hearing them. James' face goes hard and blank at the same time making him clench his teeth.

“I'm afraid it won't work, plus… i believe you are a little bit young, i'm sure someone closer to your age would be far more fitting than me” The way he said that sounded a little bit odd to him, but he ignored it.

“I don't care, i really don't!” James stares him down and he feels the sensation of eyes piercing his head.

“Stop that!” It subsides. The man sighs and steps closer to him, making him give a step back. He smiles somwhat nastily.

“Peter i mean it, we cant in fact i will ask of you to not contact me again beyond that of business, people are really getting the wrong impression about me and i cant have that now” He shuts his mouth close and steps forward just right in front of him. He sees his lips twitch and his eyes briefly look down to his mouth and in a fit of childish pettines he leans down and kisses him briefly. It's short and bitter, he intends to be a goodbye before leaving, but he feels him lean forward and like magnets they end up coming together, the kiss becomes deeper and he fights him all the way through, James sneaks his hands around his neck and pulls him closer still, slotting them perfectly. The warmth and the bitter knowledge that he won't change his mind make him stop with a gasp, but the other just moves and bites his lip before giving him a short peck and steps back.

“I'm sorry Peter, but we can't really be together like this” Peter who is not used to strong feelings feels his face contort in fury.

“Fine, be that way mister Wright. Goodbye” He is pulled away and misses the stricken face the other makes before going back to a neutral one.

He leaves for almost a year and refuses to go to any meeting, merely sending in the money requested from the institute. Better like this he figures.

Eventually after two years of that his uncle scolds him in his… own way and tells him to go.

So he does.

It's not what he expected at all, instead of James Wright a very young man named Elias Bouchard sits as head of the institute.

“Ah the elusive Mister Lukas, i was expecting you my predecessor left some notes about you-”

“What happened to James?” He is still puzzled, did he retire? Elias' face does a complicated journey that settles in a fake smile.

“He unfortunately died last year and I have been his replacement since. It was honestly quite sudden a heart attack out of all things” It sort of shuffles around his mind trying to comprehend what the man was saying, he… died ? he missed the funeral then, one of those calls he ignored-

“Oh” And that's all, he sits, lets the man speak, and even if it sort of feels familiar in a way he just shrugs his way around signs the papers pointed at him and goes. Again he does not see the disappointment in Elias' face.

So he comes and talks with him and then he leaves, rinse and repeat, Peter learned his lesson by now and its rather happy to not pay attention to the new beholder. Covering himself with the fog more and more and leaving him ruffled at his passiveness. He has a very light thought that he is sounding more and more like his uncle as time goes by, which is a frightening prospect but at his rate not unwelcomed. 

Elias asks him out eventually and he declines.

That sets him off in the end.

“Oh my god Peter this has gone on for too long, i thought it was some fancy but i'm really getting tired of your attitude. I apologize for how things ended but please can you fucking look me in the eyes and tell me what you see!?” Now absolutely baffled he gives him a look and shakes his head.

“What are you-”

“I was going to switch! I couldn't keep you around during that! Plus people were speaking and while i tried to get Elias it would look bad so i needed to make it less suspicious. I did want to date you. It just wasn't the right time that's all” He is starting to get angry now because he had been rifling thought his mind and was using it-

“Don't mess with me and spy just to play an awful prank on-” Elias groans, gets up, walks to him, making him step back and grabs his face making him look directly at him. He freezes at the contact, the last person he touched and was this close to was James almost three years ago.

“Look into my eyes you see weaded idiot” He stares they aren't that special, they are just grey just like Jam-

“No” He grins and its so bloody familiar and unnerving he gasps.

“Oh yes, i have been looking after my institute all this time and i wasnt about to stop now” His mind reels and he sort of gapes a little until he mumbles the name.

“Jonah Magnus?” Elias grins is positively vicious but he can see it twitch and his eyes go softer. Oh my god-

“Hi” Peter stares far longer than he ever has to another human face. Once his mind finally sorts everything out he kicks him in the leg making him let out a yell and he grabs his face before kissing him deeply. That shuts him up. Elias was shorter than James by a few inches which were hell for his neck, but ultimately he was more concerned with just kissing him harder, something the man was happy to reciprocate.

They end up making out on the couch in his office for the next 20 minutes, all between curses and questions.

“Why you-” He gets a bite on the jaw and he clutches his waist in warning.

“Told you the body was old, gossip was going around. And i-” Peter kisses him and bites his neck, making him moan a little bit.

“I panicked, i did like you, hell i wanted to take you to my place and do this and more, but my body was seriously getting in the way-” Another peck on the lips.

“Is that- fuck is that wh you said that about me finding someone younger?” He nods and goes to attach himself to his neck.

“Yes- it was a reference to Elias. Plus I thought… you weren't being serious about James” Peter has mixed feelings, lots and lots of mixed feelings that he will ignore and maybe just maybe parse through once he is alone at sea, but for now-

“Stupid, i dont care how you look as long as its you” He feels his cheeks burn and forskaen hiss at him more for that than the making out, but its betetr to let it out now.

“i will only say this time, so get it in your head” James/Jonah/Elias nods and kisses him again, he sees him flush and smiles a little bit before laughing and hiding his face on his neck. Both of them embarrassed for different reasons.

“Say do you want to marry me?” He hears him choke and Peter grins, perhaps its a crazy idea and out of nowhere, but he is rather happy with it.

Elias doesn't answer yet, merely berates him. 

But once he is about to leave he tells him to give him a ring and ask again right.

“Is that a yes?” He gives him a look that would be terrifying if he wasn't staring at the small hickey in his neck barely peeking from his shirt.

“Its not a no, now go you already messed up my afternoon”

“Sure thing little starfish” The offended sound follows him back. Oh they will make each other possibly miserable, but they will have fun though it.

[gayspock]

okay but

yet again am BAFFLED bc i rlly do like.... i go skimming through, like, some videos of ppl talking abt it, some reviews and some forum posts. and am STILL, to this day, just bewildered- people rlly thinking that the scene in seeing red... just came out of nowhere? that it was, like, a mistake on spikes part or that buffy had strung him along or something like- kings..... what were u all WATCHING.... like- 

like.... i reserve wht ive said time and time again & thats spike, since mid season 5 ( shortly after whenever he realsied his crush on buffy) has been insufferable in tht sense of like............ scary, entitled dude.......  like it seems entirely inline with his characterisation  try to Do That.... i remember some scene where he, like, is talking to a fuckin dollhead and pretending its buffy or sth and then starts yelling at it and calling it a bitch and.... ive seen some ppl call that shit comedic or whatever, but bro........................ thats fucking terrifying what are u all on. the way he keeps trying to do “good” things to get her favour, and then gets mad when she doesnt reciprocate. the  whole buffybot fiasco was so... disgusting and such a clear demonstration of just.... his everything... and like...

not 2 mention.... whatever the fuck this dudes attraction is rooted in.... potentially am reading waaay too much fucking into this, since, like.... frankly most relationships in buffyverse thus far are just kind of formed on the writers shoving 2 ppl together and stating “yes. they have chemistry.”  for no reason but like.... man the dude, before this, had a fascination with slayers ........ specifically with hunting them down and killing them like trophies...... do u rlly think tht whatever attraction he had was not.... a freak type... like kings. beloved kings what are you all o-

but in general. ugh. spike just kind of.. god ... sir... bc i mean i do guess morality does get v. uh. hey complicated. with spike given the fact he doesnt get his soul until s6 ending scene.... and tbh, i do fault the show with that more than anyone else- whilst the whole chip in his head did lead to an interesting development & his existence in the scoobies was more comedic in s4................... like......................  whilst it rlly could have been an interesting moral discussion (how does chipped spike - not being able to cause pain&suffering, yet still without a soul - act? does he begin to develop a sebse of morality? is that possible? being effectively neutered, or whatever- what does that do to him...) i think that.... narratively, the way it was done in s5-s6, tht  started to break down way too much.... like in a meta, lore-breaking way.... its so CLOSE but again i think its just. h.  im not even sure how to articulate it, or what it is precisely but it simply just doesnt work and i think. it ran away from them and it became less a case of looking into that nuance and more a case of, like, their actual sense of what vampires are in buffy completely just. getting away from them for the sake of whatever they wanted to tell and . idk sometimes im FINE with twisting shit like that if, narratively, it works but when the story ur trying to explore and whatnot is intrinsically tied to thing ur trying to break... what am saying is weird. spike apology or whatever - i do kind of, regretfully, get where some of it comes from. bc we separate angelus and angel, so why not spike and william (forgive me; lack of a better name for soul spike...) but i jsut. like i said i think their in universe definitions were getting too blurred and they were screwing themselves over too much in that sense .... you cannot separate spike from william or whatever- because the show itself really . doesnt do so because it ran itself round in a circle and thus trying to unpick it is a losing battle in that sense of.....you really just cant, since its broken

[nomdeguerreblogs]

hello!! i don't know if you still into tommy x grace ....but if so, what do you think that season 3 would had be? in terms of their relationship with each other, and others, particularly grace with polly and ada. i miss them, and im terrible afraid of tommy and lizzie having more years together, and more kids.

Hello anon! I answered an ask a little while ago about how the Time Gap Tommy and Grace looked and hopefully that goes some way to answering this. The other part of your question - about how Grace interacted with other family members is tricky. I don’t think S3 tried very hard at all to answer it, but I do think it’s interesting. Because I want to know who Grace was (at least partly to know why THIS woman, why does Tommy who we know quite a lot about, love HER); and I want to know what she thinks of Tommy who, despite what SK thinks about his charismatic bad boy is not readily loveable; and I want to know what the family - especially Arthur, Ada and Polly - think of the pairing. The family members might have counterpointed Tommy’s grief too and given the audience a slightly more sympathetic way in (yes I know he bats away Arthur and Polly but…) Before I wander off who knows where…

Let’s start with Arthur, who you didn’t ask about, but I like, so. He remembers Grace in the Garrison covering for him taking cash and talking about manky cigarettes, and that he was attracted to her then too. He remembers watching Tommy watching her and being amused and pleased that his brother was doing something palpably normal and comprehensible; ie. lusting after a good-looking bird. He’s not capable at the time of appreciating the emotion though (“give her a good seeing to” I mean, Arthur please Tommy’s nearly proposing). The other thing Arthur brings in perspective is the idea of betrayal; after being scammed by his father he understands being manipulated by someone you love, and still loving them, and wanting things to be changed, better, kind. (FWIW, there are several parallels that begin way back in 1.05 between Grace and Arthur Sr, usually antithetical.) Arthur’s relationship with Linda seems to have taken Tommy’s with Grace as a bit of a template too. I would suggest that, just as much as Polly might, Arthur gets Tommy’s perspective in the relationship with Grace, just in a different way. It’s kind of a masculine perspective; he gets the lust and that she softens him, and finally in S3 he understands that’s good. He’s best man for a reason. Anyway, Arthur I think likes Grace in an uncomplicated way, and cheers them on. His “Sorry, sister” is possibly my favourite line of the entire series from anyone to anyone (it’s a close run thing with Tommy finally saying ‘I love you’) because it is the only one that indicates she is family, not just to Tommy, but the rest of them as well.

Now, Polly. *rolls up sleeves*

Oh my giddy fucking aunt where do I go with this? In series one, Polly and Grace have a frank exchange that is by turns tense, warm, charming and deadly and ultimately, woman to woman, honest. Polly intuits (way better than Tommy who has been thinking with his penis for episodes) some of Grace’s background (rich girl; Ulster Volunteer), and her opinions about her surroundings*. Grace gets to ask what Tommy was like before France and they connect briefly, because Polly sees how Grace really feels and understands it. They both love him, and recognise his extraordinariness, there is momentary compassion. After Polly has given the ultimatum - I run the business of the heart in this family and I will never accept you and if you’re not gone tomorrow I’ll shoot you (or something very similar, I’m rusty) - Grace also gets to deliver the final barb, and she’s right too when she tells Polly of her fear of losing him. Anyway, we learn quite a bit about Grace, and a bit about Tommy during this exchange (how many people have lost their minds to the line “He used to laugh. A lot.”? At least 98% of the fandom at last count). It is the ideal template for a parallel conversation in a different tone several years later - Gray and Shelby, hatpins at the ready, interpreting our dear protagonist and love and fear and loathing. Instead there was a suggestion that Polly has really let fly at Grace (“Tommy’s orders, no upsets tonight”), Grace’s handy expository monologue about the Russian business, her cheap shot about the power of her vagina to suck information out of him (“We were late coming down because we were having sex and then he told me everything”), and Polly trying to one-up her by telling her the final piece of the puzzle before the smug “remember I used to do this for a living.” Like the conversation in the first series, it’s about power (and don’t get me wrong I love that there are two female characters in this kind of dynamic) but that’s its limit, and that disappoints me because the characters have things in common (like, being desired by and shooting Campbell for example; wanting what is good for the family; actually knowing what it is to love Tommy and what a complicated business indeed that is; knowing how it is to work in a ‘man’s world’) that are richer and more interesting than their differences, yet it’s the differences that were emphasised.

AND ANOTHER THING. I’m not done with Polly yet. She is the emotion to Arthur’s lustful understanding. She ‘gets’ love: “Polly is never wrong about matters of the heart.” It is one of the first series’ most delightful twists that Polly, after chasing Grace out of town, gives Tommy the news that it was ‘for real,’ Grace did indeed love him. Perhaps this is cold comfort. Perhaps it is Polly’s way of telling him that his intuition wasn’t broken. And yet it is also Polly who tells Grace he might forgive her, giving hope she never imagined to have. Despite her threat in 1919, Polly is absolutely up to her neck in responsibility for allowing them to happen at all - I’m surprised Tommy hasn’t called a horse Polly’s Gift tbh - and I hoped S3 would acknowledge if not celebrate that fact. But it’s like SK only remembered the hatred and hardness. Beyond that, there’s this lowkey implication that Polly’s dislike for Grace colours her response to her death. Of all the characters, excepting Ada, Polly is the one who should have mined Tommy’s grief for the audience. But apparently Tatiana looks a little like Edna Purviance (Chaplin’s leading lady, you know?) to John and when you grieve you make bad choices. I mean. That’s it? Yep. That’s it. I know Tommy basically turned inwards and hardened his carapace to avoid descending completely into madness, but it is Polly’s job as a character to connect with emotion and empathise with grief, but she didn’t at all and it’s a bit baffling. Tommy is left wondering at the end of the series whether the family is worth all his effort, and Polly’s distance, brought on by her own romantic sub-plot and coolness towards Tommy’s chosen other half, is definitely part of that. But it feels cheap and thin when it could have been rich and gravy. (Just to clarify, while Tommy was definitely in no mood for a heart-to-heart she could still have been the audience’s anchor to the emotion in other ways, other conversations, actions. Polly doesn’t even mention Grace Shelby at the opening of the Institute bearing her name.)

OK, Ada. In my head, before the series began, I imagined Ada and Grace as warily respectful of each other and actually able to connect quite well. The biggest fly in their ointment is Grace’s responsibility for Freddie’s arrest in 1.04. But because it has never been mentioned since I’m not sure how it all fell; I’m also not convinced Ada wound up in a good place with Freddie before ‘pestilence’ took him so maybe that would colour her opinion too. They probably don’t see each other that much because Ada’s still largely committed to her cause in S3. Of all the characters, they are probably closest in terms of how they see Tommy - with hope and kindness (remember the way they both point out to him that he is loved on Derby Day?) - and, of all the characters, they are the two with reason to think this way. I wish I had heard a conversation between them because, like Polly’s, it could have been insightful.

Oh god and Lizzie and Tommy. I really dislike it. I really do. But it does seem to be endgame. I just consume vast quantities of whiskey before every episode now to deal with the pain. xx

*I have to point out that I’m not sure Grace exactly thinks the people of Small Heath are ‘scum,’ and also that Tommy sees himself as above them as well. Also while they are both loners, Grace is a loner in exile.

[disarmingly]

for kofi anon who wanted slice of life yoonkook with a hint of magic except there’s more than a hint im sorry i hope this is okay let me know if it isnt i will try again! please note that the very first section takes place in ‘present day’ for them while everything after that first section is their past leading up to that present. <3

*

jeon jungkook is your average good looking sort of introverted loves music is good at video games and dancing and singing and pretty much anything else he tries...young man. except for one thing.

"one thing," his boyfriend half scoffs half whines, snuggling himself closer to jungkook's side like a petulant cat that despite being smaller in stature manages to take up more space. jungkook says it's the shoulders. namjoon says it's yoongi's ~personality~. they are both probably right. anyway we weren't talking about yoongi. we were talking about jungkook and how he's your average fresh university grad who can walk on his hands and do backflips and draw and paint and make anyone who looks at him too long fall in love with him and-- --yeah. "one thing~," yoongi repeats with a groan and presses his face to jungkook's shoulder. bites him absently for good measure. jungkook yelps. * jungkook's magic manifested when he turned sixteen. "like a fucking disney princess," yoongi scowled the first time It happened. 'It' was a boy who had never met jungkook before, meeting his eyes in the supermarket and going five different shades from red to pink before stumbling over to him and babbling something along the lines of 'you're so beautiful oh my god'. yoongi, there at the time, stood to his full shorter height and stood slightly in front of a baffled jungkook, tilted his head at the blushing boy and said, "you're not wrong, but he's taken." the stranger apologized several times and walked away but both yoongi and jungkook were definitively aware of his eyes on jungkook their whole way through the checkout and out the automatic doors. "what the hell was that?" yoongi's hypothetical question would get its answer in the days and nights to follow as one by one jungkook felled multitudes of strangers and some not-strangers (much more awkward) -- not with a sword but with his....well...whole self. * some people's magic comes out at birth. some require a certain age. some are catalyzed by an event or even a special word. yoongi wishes jungkook could have been one of the minority of people in the world who didn't have magic at all. or that his magic could be something useful, like a magically present umbrella whenever he needed it. but no. jungkook's magic is exactly the kind of magic an average golden boy like jungkook would have: love. * "but it doesn't last," jungkook points out, shelving a book 'about soulmates and inevitable doom' where it actually belongs (certainly not with the gardening books, though jungkook was amused to find it there.) in addition to being temporary, if it's happened once, it doesn't happen again, so at least there's that.  but yoongi, crouched low and properly ordering the books on the bottom shelf makes a clicking noise with his tongue to show exactly what he thinks and feels about that. jungkook sighs. "what do you want me to do? never leave the house again? i have to go to school--" "of course not!" yoongi's voice is louder than either of them expect it to come out. they get appropriately shushed. jungkook's ears turn red and yoongi feels immediate guilt for embarrassing him but he has a point to make. he continues, more quietly, "...that's...that’s not what i want." for a while they just keep silently setting this particular bookshelf's contents to rights. students file out. a few teachers leave. goodbyes and groans of 'see you tomorrow' get passed back and forth. at some point yoongi shuffles his way closer to jungkook, close enough to lean against his leg the way cats press along a person's shins when they want to say 'pet me human'. jungkook does in fact run his fingers through yoongi's dark dark hair, wishes yoongi wasn't quite so low to the ground so he could run them down to brush back and forth against his undercut; but later. there's something almost as therapeutic about petting as being petted. maybe that's just them. that's fine. when yoongi takes jungkook's wrist, it's just to tug his hand forward and kiss the palm, kiss his wrist, nose against his pulse and say, "i don't want you under house arrest. i want to take you to the movies. i want to go to the fair with you so you can win me stuff i don't need. i want to sit on the beach with you and everyone and toast marshmallows and....and all of the stuff we do. i want to walk to school with you. even if i'm not going here soon anymore." the last one hits hard. they haven't really talked about it. how yoongi going to university and jungkook still in high school will put a steep cut into their time...doing anything, house arrest or no. yoongi kisses his hand again. jungkook lowers himself so they can be closer. "that's very romantic," he says and he smiles too wide, so wide it hurts, smiles against the crying feeling. they're not breaking up. he shouldn't feel so sad. that's what he's been telling himself. but maybe yoongi understands. because yoongi says, "hey...hey come on." yoongi's arms fit around jungkook perfect. yoongi's mouth to jungkook's mouth also fits perfect. and yoongi's low toned reassurances of, "it's okay. it's okay," fit perfect enough. because it's more complicated than that, but sometimes perfect enough is about wanting to do the right thing even if one doesn't know precisely what that is. right now yoongi wants to let jungkook know he loves him. so he tells him it's okay. and he means all of it: the change of time and distance, jungkook's sometimes infuriating magic, and so on. it's okay. * what jungkook said is true. the effects of his magic which he can't control unless he never meets anyone's eyes ever again (impossible), vary in time. for some people predisposed to loving him already, the effects last longer. for absolute strangers, it seems the effects last anywhere from 24 hours to a week, the latter end of which is harrowing when it's someone who goes to school with him or lives in his neighborhood. but one of the things yoongi dislikes most about going to university is all the time away from jungkook in which god knows how many people are falling in love with him. the harmless ones are negligible he supposes; but some get pushy. he remembers several instances of people following jungkook home, waiting outside his window, and even ambushing him in empty classrooms. and it's not that jungkook can't take care of himself. jungkook is a soft heart but he knows how to defend himself and yoongi and the others have worked very hard to help him realize he's worth defending. still. yoongi's phone buzzes. he frowns and pulls to the side of the rode. dropping his feet to the ground with some difficulty. stupid namjoon and his stupid long legs; yoongi apparently didn't adjust the seat of the borrowed bicycle enough. whatever. he gets his phone out and his eyes widen. he sends a quick reply then bikes the rest of the way to the local high school so fast and so not within the standard cycling laws that no less than fifteen cars blare their horns at him en route. * he drops the bicycle in a hurry to get to jungkook who's seated on the curb with his head to his knees to avoid further incidents. it speaks volumes how tired he must be because he doesn't move and this scares yoongi more than almost anything, so when he lays a careful hand on jungkook's shoulder and jungkook jerks under his touch, he's honestly relieved, though he doesn't want to upset him. jungkook's eyes have dilated to be lamp-like. yoongi does the first thing that comes to his muscle memory and drops a kiss to jungkook's forehead. then he leans back and studies him. he has a split lip already swollen and starting to bruise at the right corner. right cheek too. there's a shallow bleeding scrape along his jaw too, smudged with gravel and dirt and yoongi's emotions can't settle on furious or devastated so he's both. he wants to frame jungkook's face but doesn't want to aggravate his bruises; and anyway he knows full well they should clean him up first, probably grab some antiseptic, some bandaids, an ice pack. jungkook sighs. "hey," yoongi settles for curling his hand on one of jungkook's knees. jungkook cracks half a smile. it looks like it hurts. "it's a little like a curse isn't it," jungkook says and he means it to come across as a joke but it falls flat because it's sort of true. "kook--" "i've never had it happen like that." jungkook interrupts and it's quiet. still pool quiet. yoongi aches. listens -- not just for jungkook's words but equally to his silence. cars pass. a little girl and her mother and a giant golden retriever start to pass by but not before the golden catches jungkook's tired eyes and pulls them over to him. he licks at jungkook's face and the mother is apologizing profusely but jungkook is giggling and then laughing and so yoongi fills in for him, "it's fine. this happens a lot." "dogs like him huh?" the mother says, clearly relieved and also bemused now. the little girl is curiously watching while petting the dog's fur the wrong way. a closer look has the mother frowning though and it's a fair question when she asks, "...are you both okay?" it's more delicate than yoongi associates with most parental strangers. he hates when people assume they know best or think they have the right to butt in just because they are 'an adult' or a parent or whatever. but she says it cautiously, like she knows it might be none of her business but is unwilling to ignore a boy with a fast blooming black eye; and that, yoongi can respect. so he says, "we will be." pauses. "thanks." the mother nods and they leave soon. jungkook watches them go, tension drawn out of him leaving him purely exhausted. yoongi had thought they would double-up on the bicycle because that's what they usually do, jungkook gleeful with the wind carding through his hair as yoongi pedals and complains that jungkook should be the one doing this; but that was before he got jungkook's text. seeing his line of vision, jungkook says, "can we...can we just walk?" yoongi kisses his temple very carefully, reaches for his hand and says, "whatever you want." * it's this near nightmare that spurs namjoon and taehyung into action. or rather, faster action. because they had been working on various experiments ('wasting' lab equipment but not really in their opinion and taehyung could charm the legs and arms off of a living person so they've gone unpenalized anyway) before. but when they all meet up next on the beach, jungkook's bruises and cuts still in the early stages of healing, it's too much. they go as far as to hide in cupboards ('how did you fit????' hoseok asks at some point, and namjoon just grimaces and says 'i fit okay') so they can stay in the school lab over night. this goes on for months and it's a bitter cold day in january when namjoon and taehyung (both slightly very too caffeinated) slam into jimin's garage (a modified hangout room complete with video game consoles, a bunch of musical instruments, a sofa, and a beanbag chair) and say, "we did it!" and then, "well, we think we did it." * magic is not science. but maybe science can be a little magic. jungkook's magic is the magic of love at first sight.  namjoon's magic is the understanding of how things work. taehyung's magic is tricks of light. the perfectly round glasses they give jungkook that day are a product of both of these things, as well as the disciplined persistence of friendship. when jungkook puts them on, yoongi melts a little and thinks: how is this supposed to help if he's cuter than ever? but it does help. jungkook tests it on the first stranger he sees the next day -- a transfer student whose eyes happen to fall on jungkook first. he blinks. then he looks away. jungkook lets go of a breath so loud the people seated next to him turn and stare. he flushes pink from cheeks to ear tips; slides down in his chair -- embarrassed...and jubilant. * "weirdly it doesn't work on animals?" jungkook half says half asks but it doesn't matter. he loves animals and if that was all his magic had an effect on he wouldn't need these glasses in the first place. "huh," namjoon says which means he's going to pursue the why of it. "which you're very happy about," yoongi says. jungkook hums affirmative. they laugh. * they're walking back from the beach -- having declined seokjin's offer to drive them, wanting to have a little more time alone before parting ways (yoongi to his shared apartment with namjoon, jungkook back to the house with his family) -- and they're holding hands when jungkook pauses so quickly it jars yoongi to a stop. he trips. jungkook keeps him from falling. "sorry." "'s okay. uh...?" yoongi squints. in the sundown light jungkook's pink hair has a lavender cast. and jungkook has his special glasses on but yoongi's as deep in love as ever. that's not magic though. it's just how yoongi feels. it's this and other sappy thoughts he's having when jungkook angles his head down until their foreheads touch, brushes his nose against yoongi's nose and says, "no one's around." oh. yoongi's relaxed look goes narrow again but he's no good at denying jeon jungkook anything. he sighs. "fine." * yoongi's magic, though it rarely comes into play because it's too flashy and yoongi by nature isn't a flashy person, is also special. * an interesting thing about human beings: they rarely look up. but if they did on this particular night, they might see this: two boys holding hands and kissing against the pink lilac blue of twilight, the emerging moon as their backdrop, some 1800 feet up in the air. *

[37thknight]

okay, so i’m borderline cross with this whole ordeal so here’s my take on it

Y’ALL LIKE JUICY ANALYSIS, RIGHT? 

this “jeonlous mouth thing” have been around for sometime now and i dont honestly get the negative feedback people are starting to impose on its name these days ????? 

shipping in general, as much as it leaves so much of a bad taste in our mouths and as much as i hate to admit it myself, is run by the delusional (read: responsible for delusion) cogs in our minds, lubricated by the teeny-tiniest details of the pairing’s words, actions, quirks and personalities to fulfill our wild desires to prove “TRUST ME, THEY’RE BANGING EACH OTHER ” and to act as supporting evidences to back-up this “constructed reality” of what we want them to be.

the thing with jikook // koomin otp, as most other kpop pairings are, is that they’re members of the same group or band or whatever you want to classify BTS as. one way or another, they’re bound to have a relationship, may it be purely for their careers (a business relationship, as described by SHINee’s Jonghyun in one of their Happy Together guestings) or an established platonic one, heightened by the difficulties they’ve dealt with and the feats they’ve achieved as a group. 

from this, we can branch out to a ton of “stuff” for a lack of better word, and i can only discuss (read: rant) so much

EXHIBIT A

bts members are friends more than co-workers and we are very much aware of that, as opposed to those groups with their contracts sufficing as the adhesive to weave each other together (c’mon, this is not a shade). i dont know about you but in a squad (a group of friends rather, if you don’t like seeing that word), it’s most probably mapped out that as humans, we’ll be drawn particularly to one of them; hence, the best friend phenomenon. 

so...are they best friends? well, there’s still taehyung in the equation and there’s no way we can dismiss him like that. (side remark here: the three of them can just be each other’s best friends, you know? im aware that this is an actual, real life thing that happens to other people...but i’ve been in that circumstance and it’ll be hard juggling your attention and love equally that it's more deteriorating than beneficial to all ends) now, taking into consideration how much emphasis the whole korean culture put into respect and age, the maknae line just transcends through all that , BUT

1. jimin and taehyung are close (even regarding each other as soulmates in one of their recent fanmeetings) esp because of the fact that they’re of the same age, meaning, the level of comfort with each other is as much as korean society expects them to have. they’re not just “comfortable” brothers more than chingus though, they’re that comfortable with each other it’s beyond classifications (like there are classifications, but you get the point).

2. maknaes are very much endeared in the whole korean “age-and-respect-and-authority-and-hierarchy” landscape (can it even be called that?). jimin has shown how much he cherishes jungkook even tracing back to their predebut days up until now, successfully fulfilling the role of hyungs in korean standard whose role among many others is to take care of those younger than they are. other members also treat jungkook fairly similar or sometimes even topping jimin’s treatment to the maknae aka taehyung, whose life source is probably skinship + aegyo with other members (we’ll get to that) and the whole reason im confused who’s whose when it comes to this best friend thing 

3. still in the korean view of age, you address those older than you with respect by how? c’mon, we’re all nuts about kpop how must we not know? there’s oppa, unnie, hyung and noona (this addressing thing is more of an asian thing than mere korean, really). now, here’s the catch: jungkook calls jimin hyung borderline merely (read: close to the bare minimum). a mere slip-up? a moment of the perfect mask idols need to sport, carelessly put aside? more than anything, it just fuels the fire in this situation. jungkook addresses his other hyungs with the names they need to be called, even taehyung he’s very close with. and this just show that jungkook considers jimin a chingu, one he can comfortably act towards, (just like jimin and taehyung’s relationship, being the actual chingus here) despite the apparent age difference.

i dont know if i’ve gotten to anything at this point, but i’m lenient to the concept of jimin and jungkook being the best friends which explains most of the things they do together which leads us to:

EXHIBIT B 

skinship between friends, more specifically friends belonging to the same sex (gender’s a bit more complicated concept, you guys), is the most normal thing in korea. they probably are most expressive with each other to the point that it baffles foreign onlookers, a good example of which are the int’l fans.

remember what i said about taehyung? all males in korea are practically like him, even stemming from young age, being touchy-feely here and there with friends.now, ever wondered why apparently jikook is not a huge, blown out of proportion ship in korea as opposed to its stance in the international fanbase? yup, that’s because for koreans, seeing jimin and jungkook’s interaction with each other is like seeing the average same sex chingus walking downtown or their buddies at school as they do everyday. holding hands, feeling each other up, sitting on laps, pecks on the cheek (less observed), and even touching thighs, crossing the boundaries of what foreigners would deem appropriate, is common and normal (have i made my point about this issue yet? i’ve become a broken record,my goodness).basically, there is no such thing as personal space in korean culture of friends; thus, skinship is prevalent.

a very much related issue to that is korea’s view on homosexuality. no matter how peppered with the stereotypical gay (not meant to be taken offensively, guys im also a queer folk hi) interactions and copious displays of affection korea is, homophobia is still present. it’s too ridiculous that it’s become funny. you can tell me how korea has become liberated and all that shit but the thing is, they’re not. korea is just downright a conservative country (is this an offense too? oh god). korea is still anchored to the concept that people are only and only and only limited to a man-loving woman and woman-loving man. topmost reason why idols cannot come out and identify as different from the two because to deviate from the norm is supposedly throwing away tradition and rude and can spite everyone around them that they’ll lose their job.

i dont know where im going but i still am in check of what im talking about. bottomline of this exhibit is holding onto the contradicting persona of korea, jikook is all but nothing more (this is proper grammar, you guys) than a thing of delusion.

EXHIBIT C

kpop idols love to treat their fans and bts is not a loser in the game. they give back quite warmly to the fans. they deem armys highly because, nonverbatim, bts is nothing without their fans. fans are the reason among others (to dismiss their hardwork is plain rude) why they’ve made it this big. so they’ve got fanservice in store for us, the majestic element of them all, leaving us in a baffled rut whether or not our otp’s interaction are candid or sheer fanservice. THEY ALL KNOW THAT THEY’RE PAIRED WITH EACH OTHER. a gift for the fans? publicity stunts to gain the favor of their audience? whatever meaning fanservices hold in the hearts of our dear bts members, it just ups the notch of the level of our delusion when it comes to our ships 

(it’s heartbreaking, i know. i didn’t even want to write this part out. if you can just sense my unwillingness to write on the matter ㅠㅠ)

EXHIBIT D

let’s go back to what actually irked me and cross me so much that it driven me nuts to the point that i actually spend my time writing this long ass rant. 

“jeonlous” = a jealous jeon jungkook

now, this has gathered a negative connotation primarily but is not limited to two things:

a. “this jeonlous thing manifests a relationship with an abusive undertone” (okay, so i constructed that sentence to make their claims much more rational than it fucking is)

b. it does not make sense for jungkook (and even jimin) to get jealous of other members/fans/other people not them in general

firstly, what does it mean to be JEALOUS (can you see my eyes rolling?)

in the evolutionary, biological scale, is the exhibited response to the threats to the relationship they are in because monogamy that’s why (a reality that’s manifested almost throughout all the animal kingdom) 

in psychology, is the complex emotion that’s not just about anger, abandonment, fear or sadness; it’s the simmer that’s aroused when a valued relationship is somehow not in its standard state and there is raw desire to regain the affection and/or attention. it’s even described as “a necessary emotion because it preserves social bonds. it motivates people to engage in behaviors that maintain an important relationship.” a clinical psychologist characterizes jealousy as something we don’t have much control over, and that it is a natural, instinctive emotion that everyone experiences at one point in their lives. 

it just follows that when jealousy is at hand, people tend to do things that has become seemingly second nature tics to them. now, this is a good reason to back up the jeonlous mouth/tongue thing, how much of a mere coincidence it may be. jealousy is not bound to romantic tones; it can encompass siblings fighting for their parents’ attention or even in friendships. so that’s a yes, yup, jungkook can get jealous of other members because he has that valued relationship (refer to exhibit a) with jimin and there will be a lingering longing in him for jimin to get back at being jimin again (read: showing him affection and attention; emphasis on him) 

don’t get me started at this abusive, emotionally manipulative relationship issue here because it’s just absurd and this rant will be longer than my lifespan i dont even know anymore (ok but the insecurity that is woven in the ambiguity of jealousy may also be responsible in driving someone to emotionally manipulate his partner to the point of abuse BUT JK JUST WANTS JIMIN’S ATTENTION BACK SO WHAT’S ABUSIVE HERE calling this whole ordeal abusive is too much of a stretch like really? really? y’all are actually taking this into consideration? really?)

(okay this rant had high hopes in presenting evidences to support my claims but i havent slept a wink yet and im also half angry ????)

the thing is, as much as we’re delusional in shipping jikook, y’all are just delusional claiming that the fucking quirk jungkook exhibits is abusive WHAT DO WE EVEN KNOW ABOUT WHAT THEIR ACTUAL STATUS IS IN THE FIRST PLACE goodbye y’all im just im--ugh this is so dumb

you wanna know the catch about this jeonlous thing that gets me every single time? IT’S THAT IT’S FUCKING CUTE. AND I’M SHIPPING THEM TO MY PLEASURE THAT IT GIVES ME JOY TO SEE THESE MOMENTS WHICH GIVES ME LITTLE SPARKS OF HOPE THAT MAYBE THEY’RE MORE THAN FRIENDS YEAH I KNOW IM DELUSIONAL BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE IT’S CUTE and that’s good enough reason for me to fawn over their “supposed” romance 

y’all are hypocrites enjoying the jeonlous thing one second then next second, condemning it after reading a post and riding the mainstream. Y’ALL NEED TO SIT THE FUCK DOWN (also reevaluate the hypocrisy but oh well)