#ive been joking for a long time that i look like an okapi or a zebra but like... damn
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#...... i think too its not just that im bony#its all the new cuts too#...this is the first time after uhhh. round 2 of taking things way too far that ive seen myself. alone. naked. in a coldly lit changing#room#like#fuck#we really did a number on this body#ive been joking for a long time that i look like an okapi or a zebra but like... damn#idk they dont bother me. they never have#im not grosses out by them or even ashamed nor do i even think theyre ugly honestly. but#along with all the bones i just had this feeling of like. oh lol this aint normal. again like..... I looked like A Creature#which on one hand kinda sick bc slightly nonhuman looking half dead but still beautiful but kinda scary creature is exactly what i was#going for in my teen years. and w the meds ive achieved it with 0 severe anorexic stress or obsession or even feeling hunger basically at#all. just empty#but im...older now#and. yea idk if that's really the standard i have anymore#.......what i see now is just. wear. i see my pain and trauma and my souls repeted death. in the way this flesh looks#..... i think back then i used to get a lot more enjoyment out of having a physical representation of how bad im doing psychologically#but i just. dont enjoy my own pain and suffering that much anymore lmao. even i managed to get fed up with the masochism past a certain#point#..... and i think its also that. while im definitely not great (i did spend the last weeks to months posting on here abt how i wanna die#every day lmao) ive also been A LOT worse#all the scars are from... a lot worse. all the bones - i usually only saw them like this when i was a lot worse#..... its almost like idk. looking at it (me) with more sober eyes#.....i hate how tired i look too#i really need to quit smokiny#that shits doing me worse than the not eating or the cutting or any other damn thing
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Havnt really been on here in a hot minute, not that anyone besides my bestie reads these posts. Buts lifes pretty good. not great. but good.
Ive been with the guy i pined for for 2 1/2 years for about 2 months now, and we came to the silly realization our 6 month will be on my 16th birthday. its been everything ive dreamed off tbh. He still calls me his star boy (because i looked at him with stars in my eyes), and i still call him my peach, my pretty boy. He makes me feel pretty, and confident. He knows me like the back of his hand, and i know him like mine, even if he doesnt realize it. Nothings really changed, its almost like weve been together for the entirety of our time knowing each other, but at the same time everything just feels....better. Im not sure how to explain it, but do i really even have too? I love him just as ive always loved him, but in a new way now. And its nice. peaceful. the more im able to see him in person the more im able to start to see our hours long phone calls seep into real life. The jokes, the plans we made, ever so slowly becoming reality,its everying i could have hoped for.
My job is pretty great too. they sent me on this camp in this summer for leadership, and i did some pretty cool stuff. I got to pet a rhino, and a baby okapi. i got to examine dino skeletons, and got set up with the right people to make my own conservation. Since then, i got to go back to the camp, and work with those same people and animals once more. i got to feed the rhinos, help set up and look at the diets for the carnivores, and so much more.
there are other things of course, but my hands hurt, and peaches is calling. maybe i'll write again tmr, its kind of therapeutic in a way. Life gets better though, and im so glad
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