#ive got sooo many thoughts on the facility

[penguin--rat]

tempalate by caninewhistles on devianart!! nothing in february:( little penguino so sad the ward take him away.. oh well! teehee.. thank you all for the good year!!! Mwah!!!

[penguin--person]

Nina and desire, Alík and midnight, Nastya and hunt

ask game - im doing their canon selves for this ask:)

desire: What's one thing your OC wants more than anything in the world? Are they open with that desire? Why or why not? What would they do to fulfill it? nina wants more than anything to be with volkov. to have his attention, to be praised, to have him at her side. shes not open about this but she's not open about anything rlly - maybe she listens to him more than other scientists, but i imagine theres little times when volkov isnt there for an experiment. nina kills volkov to fulfill this desire! after they run away, volkov grows more and more distant nina 'figures out' that hes been posessed by the devil. and is no longer her dear scientist. so she kills him 👍to stay with him. and then she dies too! wonder how.

midnight: What keeps your OC up at night? Do they have nightmares? Fears? Anxieties? What do they do in the small hours of the morning when they should be sleeping? splitter girl moment 🔥🔥🔥her wolfness, most likely, and thoughts of the people that she's hurt. like nina. she def has nightmares.. thats an interesting thought actually, that she wakes up more wolf-like bc of a nightmare!! shes got soo many fears shes scared of all the time ever but u know most of them already. hurting the ones she loves or hurting anybody at all etc etc etc... i thinkkk if she could she'd run around her room. bite her claws maybe? wolf stress behaviours i think also thoughts of the scientists bc her relationship with themis like.. she doesnt know how to view them, ya know? they feed her, and they take care of her no matter how much she hurts people, and a few are even nice to her.. but theyre the ones that make her hurt people, but also, they wouldnt be doing that were she not a mutant, but she didnt choose to be a mutant! but she would have chosen to be one, so is it her fault? but they provoke her mutation! theres sooo many things for her to think about. wolf mode

hunt: Who or what is your OC hunted by? A person, a feeling, a past mistake? Is your OC able to let their guard down, or are they constantly alert? tma reference ?!!! hehe .. alík would be hunt ofc nastya would either be the flesh or stranger and nina would be the end maybe. kozlov vast and kozlova burried. volkov slaughter. marya umm flesh too? the horror of pregnancy. ya get how it is. anyway a feelinggg a past mistake! nastyas hunted by the never sated desire to be loved and the past mistake of turning herself in to the facility. shed never say that she regrets it, but she has cried about it at night 👍shes also hunted by the memory of Her Parents .. i forgor how much nastya lore ive shared here but her parents neglect her which is why she turns herself in. if they cant love her the facility will 🔥🔥nastya and her guard.. its like a fucked up mix of guard down and constantly alert. shes got her guard down around all the wrong things same with constantly alert. but shes mostly got her guard down at the facility 👍they wouldnt hurt her Trust

[ofcowardiceandkings]

I think you mentioned listening to podcasts? Do you have any favorites to reccommend? I've run out of content :(

that i do !

im not entirely sure what kind of podcast you'd be interested in but i'll throw out a few of the goodies in my huge library of stuff , i'll miss out a few of the HUGE podcasts that have been all over tumblr though

a LOT of it is true crime or human interest stuff , or history because im nerd ,, and a few of these dont have nearly enough attention so [shrug] i'll try to keep this short i guess lol this isnt EVERYTHING ive got in my library or listened series' by any measure

i AM gonna pop a shout to both Stuff You Missed in History Class and Stuff You Should Know from iHeartRadio because their HUGE archives have kept me from losing my mind many times over , and they cover a wide range of both important and wacky topics

BomBARDed (ongoing) this is the only fiction podcast i have happening right now really but its DAMN GOOD ONE .... it's an actual-play D&D 5E podcast in the DMs own musically-inspired world, focussed on a group of multiclass bards going to music school !! and all players (+DM) are members of the Texas band Lindby !! and they actually use and play music in the show with one original song an episode !! Kyle's worldbuilding and storycraft are truly incredible, and (Nick) Goodrich, (also Nick) Spurrier, and Ali's characters are in depth and interesting as well as an absolute powerhouse :') i actually made a piece for its first fanzine, Bardic Dreaming, which published earlier this year and is free to view now, all the players and the community are super wholesome its just very good overall 💙

History & Humans;

Fall of Civilisations (ongoing) legit one of my favourite podcast finds, im so glad my youtube autoplayed one of these ... it took me like 2 hours to realise it was 1) not the same as what was playing before and 2) had been on for 2 hours and wasnt near finished lmao. anyway, this is a series by historical fiction writer Paul Cooper, and is honest to all thats good one of the best documentary series ive encountered in years - and ive consumed a LOT of documentaries. it covered the downfall of various civilisations through history, and the episodes run from an hour to FOUR hours depending on the topic. its so chill to listen to and just get done, but over the pandemic all of the episodes have been given full movie-quality video versions too on youtube if youre more of a visual person.

Casting Lots: A Survival Cannibalism Podcast (on series break) yeah that says that lol ... its a SUPER niche topic but its very interesting and treated very well despite being kind of comical at times, the hosts are just naturally funny lol ... it delves around from the history of cannibalism in whole regions to specific incidents as recently as the 1970s, and of course the first episode is about the Donner Party, and it covers things ive never heard of despite being kind of important ?? anyway Alix and Carmella are good eggs

Sawbones (ongoing) i probably dont need to mention much here other than say that Justin and Sydnee saved me from being SO BORED sooo often, the history of medicine is wacky as hell and its what most of my history GCSE was on so [shrugs]

Cautionary Tales (on series break) this was a wild-card find lol ... it's by Tim Harford "the undercover economist" who writes for the Financial Times, and its topics kind of weave modern topics and science with how to learn from historical errors ... its a bit weird but well worth a go, also each series has a few celebrity guest voice actors which is pretty awesome

Ephemeral (ongoing) this is a very strange but thought provoking series about sounds and other things just barely saved. topics include the last castrato, the hello girls, hand-stamped records, the spread of kīkā kila music, and acoustic fossils of wild places.

Neat! The Boozecast (ongoing) history and bartending whats not to like lol ... hosted by Teylor Smirl and now their dad Tommy, they're just digging around in how important booze is to human culture

True Crime (white collar and weirdness);

Swindled (ongoing) this is an amazing show full stop. A Concerned Citizen details some of the most impactful and unruly things to happen in white collar and corporate crime. very factually accurate but given the sheer bullshit of the topics the deadpan snarking is [chefs kiss] absolutely warranted ..

American Scandal (on series break) this one is a series within a series type, and spends a few episodes at a time poking holes in some of America's biggest scandals, from a dramatised but fact-based point of view. such as what the hell was going on with Enron, how big tobacco was forced to own up to covering its own ass, how Iran-Contra happened, etc. it also now has a sister show called British Scandal, which does the same thing for British cases but with a slightly different format.

Missing in Alaska (finished) this was a fascinating series, a deep dive into what happened to two US government officials who disappeared on a small chartered flight in Alaska in 1972. it goes some really strange places, but it actually turned up a lot of previously unknown information through the audience. John Walczak's new series in a new feed is Missing on 9/11 which looks into what happened to Dr Sneha Philip.

Pretend (ongoing) Host Javier Leiva holds interviews with anyone living a lie, or who have been touched by them. con artists, snake oil salesmen, former cult members, catfishing victims, anyone and everyone.

Power: The Maxwells (finished) hosted by journalist Tara Palmeri, the story of media tycoon Robert Maxwell from nothing to empire to mysterious death and the scandals uncovered after he was gone.

Lets Talk About Sects (ongoing) Sarah Steele covering cults from around the world, in particular those in Australia - where she is from. She often has former members on the show to share their stories, and share knowledge of how they left. each story has the relevant content warnings at the start of each episode.

Brainwashed (finished) investigation of the CIA's covert mind control experiments, centred on the experiments performed at a hospital in Montreal, and its cultural impact.

Dr Death (2 series finished) two series investigating huge cases of fraud and medical malpractice, and how they were brought to a stop. series 1 covers Dr Duntsch and his horribly butchered neurosurgery, series 2 covers Dr Fata and his fraudulent cancer clinic

The Immaculate Deception (finished) untangling the weird and disturbing fertility fraud of Dr Jan Karbaat, who fathered children himself through his fertility clinic, and the impact of his deception. later episodes also touch on other similar cases.

True Crime (Violent/General);

The Casual Criminalist (ongoing) Simon Whistler of-the-many-youtube-channels cold reads a script about the case of the day, with some of his daft commentary thrown in.

Southern Fried True Crime (ongoing) Crimes from the American South hosted by Erica Kelley, she puts all the facts out there but refreshingly for true crime she doesnt hesitate to tell you if she thinks someone is human garbage lol

They Walk Among Us (ongoing) probably one of the most popular UK crime podcasts, very measured and well put together, not weird or annoying about it either.

All Crime No Cattle (ongoing, feed slowed down for now) specifically about crimes from Texas, hosted by Erin and Shay, they're very sensitive hosts and a lot of the cases they cover shed light on why the Texas criminal system is how it is or show an impact at a national level

Canadian True Crime (ongoing) Canadian crime from an Aussie who's lived there for a decade, Kristi is again a sensitive and measured host covering some important topics

True Crime (Violent/Deep Dive);

Hitman (finished) journalist Jasmyn Morris digs around in the sticky tangle around a book published by fringe publisher Paladin Press, and its apparent use as a blueprint in the killing of a mother, her friend and her 8 year old boy for financial gain.

Camp Hell: Anneewakee (ongoing) this series is exploring how a wilderness camp "correctional facility" was endorsed by the Georgia care and juvenile reform system, despite widespread abuses and shady practices the whole time. warning for csa and child cruelty throughout.

True Crime Bullshit (on series break) this one is a huge huge rabbithole but a very interesting one where the host Josh Hallmark has spent years digging into the life and potential crimes of Israel Keyes. Keyes is often mentioned as a serial killer with no pattern, but in picking it apart thats not quite true, and has sparked some re-evaluations of missing persons cases and stumbling upon information the FBI has redacted organically. there's also a series in the middle looking into the crimes of Kelly Cochran

Forgotten: Women of Juárez (finished) this series looks into the huge numbers of missing women of Ciudad Juárez, the strange circumstances surrounding them, and the potential cover-ups and corruptions on both sides of the border, trying to give a voice to all of the forgotten women and girls and their families without answers. the series itself is finished, but a spanish language edition is being released every week now.

aaaaaand i'll call it there before i list everything lol, i hope you find something to plug your boredom hole with !!

[justanothergrl]

Don’t let me down: continued

I didn’t pack my coat.  It was about a 20 minute drive to the hospital from my Dads. It’s strange but I was feeling okay on my way there. It was as if I was holding my breath the entire way there and only let it out once we put the car in park. As we made our way to the check-in desk of the ER I felt all the blood rush out of my face. How am I going to tell a complete stranger? “Hi, my name is Sara and I’m withdrawing from opiates, please help!” I can’t say that. I should just turn around. I should just leave. I wanted to turn & run but my feet stayed planted. I stared at the floor. Stop Sara. You need help. You’ve made it this far. You can do this. You aren’t alone. I think my Dad spoke first. It’s a bit fuzzy but I don’t remember answering more than 1 or 2 questions before they put me into a wheel chair. That lady was so nice. She didn’t look at me in disgust as I had imagined. She didn’t turn me away. They led us to a room immediately. (I’m pretty sure this mainly had something to do with the fact that I was complaining of chest pain, but hey it worked in my favor.) The room was small and only blocked off by a curtain that didn’t even reach the ground. It was cold. My dad sat in a chair. I sat on the bed and stared down at my boots. I brought my boots but no coat? I didn’t want to look up. I couldn’t face the thought of looking my Dad in the eyes. Not yet. A male nurse about my age came in, sat down across from me, and started asking questions. “When was the last time you used?” 5am. “Did you ever share needles?” No. “How are you feeling?” Not good, I’ve been through the beginning of this before, I know it’s only going to get worse. I was trying to remain level-headed. He was nice. He wasn’t treating me bad either. He was patient. He seemed genuinely concerned. I stared at my boots as I answered question after question. I stared at his name tag. I stared at the wall. I looked anywhere that didn’t involve eye contact. I was too ashamed. An older female nurse came in and did an ECG (electrocardiogram).  I was laying on the table half naked as she placed the electrodes all over me. She was so nice. I couldn’t look at her either. I stared at the ceiling. At the wall. Why was everyone being so nice? I looked down and for the first time I noticed that I could clearly see my ribs. Oops, I guess I really had been losing weight. That’s not good. I closed my eyes. It’s cold. After that was over & it was determined that I was in no immediate danger, they put us into a real room further down the hall. "Here, change into this.”  They handed me a gown. (You know, one of those paper thin, scratchy, one- size- fits- all hospital gowns. Whichhh- can I just take a moment to say- f those! I might as well be naked. They don’t stay closed. They don’t stay up. Just wrap me in a sheet & call it a day. End rant.) I changed and climbed into the bed. The blanket was as thin as paper. I finally managed to look over at my Dad. He didn’t look angry. He didn’t look disgusted. He just looked concerned. I wasn’t alone. I asked my Dad to text my boss that I wouldn’t be starting my new job the next day. I know we talked more, but I can’t remember. The doctor came in. She was so nice. My heart sank as she explained that there was nothing they could do for me. (The doctor has to be licensed in order to give a patient suboxone or other such medications. They are few & far between FYI.) They hooked me up to an IV. They looked down at my left wrist. I noticed the scratches. They noticed the scratches. Oh, yeah. That left marks, really? Oops. “Are you having any suicidal thoughts?” I shook my head “no.” They hesitantly continued. (IF I would’ve hinted at anything suicidal, IF I would’ve answered yes, or IF my Dad would’ve answered yes- I would’ve been forced to stay. They take that VERY seriously, which I didn’t realize up until this point. Good job whoever put those rules in place!) She gave me nausea medication. She gave me anxiety medication. I laid down. I wasn’t alone. I was okay. This isn’t too bad. I was going to be okay. I tried to relax. I tried to process the idea that I was about to dive head first into hell with no end in sight. How long would this last? Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as I thought. Wait.. I won’t be getting any help. There’s nothing they can do. I’m actually going to have to go through this? I don’t think I can do this. This was a mistake. I can’t do this. Panic. I couldn’t regulate my temperature. I was hot and cold and back to hot again. My chest squeezed tighter. I felt like I was dying. I couldn’t lay still. I wanted out of my body. I can’t do this. Pull the blanket up. Push it off. This blanket feels like sandpaper against my skin. Lay flat on my back. Switch to my side. Omg, I’m dying. There’s no way I can do this. Please God let this stop. I was in such agony that my Dad got a nurse and they called for the doctor again. (My Dad later told me I was thrashing around so much he thought I was going to rip my IVs straight out of my arm, I don’t remember that though.) She gave me more anxiety medicine and made them take me for chest x--rays. Just to make sure they didn’t miss anything. Just to make sure I wasn’t ACTUALLY dying. (You’re (usually) not risking death from withdrawal of opiates. Everyone's different and if you have seizures, well then yes it can bad. But for the most part, it’s just a reallll awful experience, especially without any assistance.) X-rays were fine. The doctor told my Dad that if I was still really bad tomorrow to bring me back because she would be on shift. [5 hours in the hospital = $3,000.] I was so delirious from the anxiety medication (thank you to that doctor, though) that I don’t remember coming back from the x-rays. I don’t remember getting dressed. I don’t remember walking out of the hospital. I don’t remember getting into my Dads car, the drive home, or going into the house. I am forever grateful that everyone was so nice, especially after everything I have heard AND read. (thank you universe for letting me catch a small break, even when I didn’t deserve it) Looking back I’m happy I detoxed in the comfort of my Dads house opposed to a hospital or other facility. The first (3?) nights were torture. Especially the first. I tossed and turned SO much in my sleep that I got really bad rug rash on both of my knees (who knew that was possible?). I remember I kept waking up my Dad. I didn’t want to be alone. I couldn’t stay asleep. It was agonizing. On (I believe) the second day I begged my Dad that we needed to find a doctor that could get me suboxone. Anything to help. I didn’t have insurance.. or money. I knew it wasn’t an option but I was so desperate to not feel like I was inches from death that I was trying to grasp at anything. I remember sitting on the floor asking him to just kill me at one point. I couldn’t go on any longer. Anyone who has detoxed, especially without the help of medications, knows this feeling. For those of you that don’t, there’s no way to TRULY explain it. If there was nothing else as a motivation to keep myself clean, it’d be that. I will NEVER go through that again. I’ve heard it explained as the flu x10.. everyone experiences different symptoms. I was nauseous, but didn’t throw up (probably with the help of the medication the doctor had prescribed). I was hot & cold & hot & cold. The pressure on my chest. The restlessness, ohhh the restlessness. I. Could. Not. Stop. Moving. I couldn’t ever get comfortable. Runny nose. And finally- just weak. I was so weak for at least a month after.. I felt as though I was a heart patient. I couldn’t even get up the strength to blow dry my hair or even put on just mascara for I don’t know how long. I remember walking around Kohl's once with my Dad, just to get out of the house for a bit and I had to tell him we needed to leave so I could sit. As for getting my temperature back to normal.. it took a good couple months to finally feel warm again (but it has never got back to all the way normal again). The only time during those months that I wasn’t freezing to death was when I was in the shower. This is why I said earlier on that if I had any idea of what was about to come when I left MI.. I may of hesitated. But hey, I did this all on my own and not many people can say that- sooo I’m pretty proud. It wasn’t easy but at least I wasn’t alone.

**Thanks Dad, I couldn’t of did this without you. Thank you for staying by my side. Thank you for being patient and not angry. Thank you for not looking at me any differently. Thank you for being there. Thank you for allowing me to breath once again, knowing that I was not all alone.**

Sooo now that we’re through the worst of it, we’re about to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel!  Thanks for still listening, however recovery is a BIG deal. A very common misconception is that “now that you’re not using you’re good!” False. It is an ongoing battle. Yes it gets easier over time, but all it takes is once. O N E time to undo all of the work you put into getting and staying clean. O N E time and that could be your last day. Did you know that most overdoses happen with those that have got some clean time under their belts? So don’t bail just yet, I’ve got some more stuff to say & you’re going to want to hear this.

What did I do next?  The pros & cons of NA- for ME. The emotional roller-coaster I had no idea I was boarding, with “J”

Enjoy this snow!