#ive had this bag since 7th grade and i still love it

[kittycatcarla]

Every. Single. Time. I leave my shoulder bag on the floor my cat just comes to it WITHIN SECONDS and just.. sits on it

And it's always this specifc bag. Regardless if its empty or full. But just this ome bag. Not my school backpack, nu my mom's or sister's bags, but just this one blue bag

Granted, he did piss on it like 3 years ago but im not so sure whether its related or if they have a common cause

But he just likes to sit on it

[wondermentishere]

not posting this for an audience, but since this a public account… ***TW: EATING DISORDERS***

ive recently accepted that ive had an eating disorder all of my life… my earliest memories of getting ready for daycare wasnt healthy at all. the way i examined and processed my body… tweaked my clothing with the knowledge of how important being desirable was.. i remember learning what being skinny meant and looked like. at daycare, i mustve been like 6 years old. me with a group of girls a couple years older than me were evaluating how flat this one girl’s stomach was. from that moment on, i held my belly tight and flexed in public at all times, a mechanism i know ill carry for the rest of my life. i remember being in my room alone, up late watching cartoons on a weekend eating a big bag of hot cheetos. i stuffed myself so full, i vomited all over my little sister’s trundle trying to make it to the toilet in time. i remember being in the 3rd grade looking at my school pictures, loving how you could see my abs through my tight blue shirt. i remember in the 4th grade, my mom bought us subway and i finished my meal before anyone else even started on theirs. she looked at me puzzled, chuckled then called me a nerd. i cried… that was the beginning of her insulting me as a reflex. she felt bad and asked me if i wanted her to go back to the restaurant to get me more. i declined out of humiliation. back then it didnt matter to me how much i stuffed myself. i was such an active kid that even when i fell asleep with a swollen belly, i woke up so empty it hurt.

5th grade i started making close girl friends for the first time since preschool. they always straightened their hair and thought i should to. boys thought they were cute, but no one liked me in that way. i was the nerdy goofball that didnt know how to groom myself properly. white stuff around my overly poked out lips and boogers constantly in my nose. i made my own outfit for the toderick hall play i was starring as a munchkin in and remember looking down at my clothes and feeling ashamed at how much better the other kid’s costumes were. my mom noticed my demeanor change whenever we were walking up to the venue. she told me not to be self conscious. waiting in the dressing room with all the pretty white girls was the first time i noticed how uncomfortable i am looking at myself in the mirror with other people, specifically women are around me. im still like that to this day. sometimes i submit to exposure therapy and force myself to acknowledge my reflection while im washing my hands. i dont understand why it is so painful for me to do. i remember hugging this boy i had the biggest crush on goodbye the last day of school and he called me dirty and disgusting in front of other people, including my bestfriend, after i walked away. she proudly repeated it back to me later that day. i just felt numb. i didnt let it penetrate me emotionally but i did feel humiliated and annoyed.

i just felt ugly in the 6th grade. kids were mean about my natural hair, i didnt have boobs like the popular girls. i just wanted to fit in and started wearing bows (i never wore bows) and wearing 2 bras to give the illusion of a more developed chest. my deceptive behavior got noticed once in the locker room and my ex bestfriend laughed at recalling the exposure over a decade later (i admit it was pretty funny). whenever puberty started to hit in the 7th grade is when i really started obsessing over maintaining my thinness. i felt so lonely and finally could identify my emptiness watching interviews of sullen musicians i adored. i was looking through pictures from the year before with my mom and she made a comment how i “wasnt boney anymore” like i use to be. that bothered me. i wanted to be as skinny as michael jackson. i wanted a “dancer’s body”. i didnt want boobs. i wanted to wear deep v necks over the flattest chest. i wanted to be on stage.

7th grade i purposefully started skipping lunch. mainly cause for the first time, i finally had friends i could count on to eat with everyday. they rarely ate lunch. we didn’t even go to the lunchroom, we just chilled in the band room during that time. i never had money to eat at school anyway and the lunches my mom packed me were embarrassing to eat in front of everyone. she was kind of a health freak and smushed wheat pb&js in a brown plastic kroger bag always got turned up noses from my peers. ive been embarrassed to eat in front of other people since the subway incident in the 4th grade and the fact i never had anything “cool” to eat didnt help either. sometimes my mom would make me lunch and i would let it sit in my backpack for days. gross shit. my mom sold herbal life and sometimes watery shakes were the only “meal” i was interested in downing for the day. i got my first iphone and had a calorie tracker on it. i would workout hard after karate and step practice, making sure i was in a calorie deficit to set me up for success the next day. i use to love waking up and immediately going to the mirror to admire how skinny i was. i loved my abs.. but still i was never satisfied with my body. this behavior carried over until my 8th grade year.

i remember being weighed for the school’s “Pacer Test” and noting the defeat i felt going from 114 lbs as an 7th grader to 120 lbs. my curves were coming in, my boobs were developing. back in the 6th grade i would wear two bras cause i felt like an outcast, this year i purposely only wore sports bras that i had outgrown at an attempt to bind my chest. i remember taking a break in the bathroom with my friend at a football game we were cheering at. i thought she was paying attention to something else and stopped flexing my bloated stomach for just a moment. she noticed and call it out “oh you got a gut on you”. i immediately sucked it back in and didnt really acknowledge her comment out of embarrassment. sometimes when we would wear the same cheer shirt to school she would go around asking boys who wore it better. i really did not like that shit.

the cycle of binging and restricting was very prominent throughout all of highschool. i finally could scrap up enough money to get pizza and hot cheetos everyday. i didnt have friends to sit with though and felt humiliated sitting in the lunchroom alone or with other random outcasts i barely said a word to. i considered eating in the bathroom like the movies but determined it too gross. so i would scarf down my food and either sit in the library on twitter or search for queer books until lunchtime was over. sometimes i would hide out in the girl’s lockerroom. i was a student athlete and conditioned pretty hard everyday. i remember walking around in the gym after practice and my coach told me i “looked fit” haha. i went back home and told my mom and she agreed with a hint of resentment in her tone. i would body check my stomach routinely. i just didnt like how big my arms were. they were toned but not muscular. they looked fat to me. my armpits to this day dont have that sunken look ive always wanted. i kept my chest strapped down at all times, wearing the same sports bra over and over again.

in 11th grade, i changed highschools and went from the loner jock to the infamous theater kid. i started to care about social injustice alot and was becoming alot more informed. my mind was consistently on learning, making art, and being silly on the internet. alot of the kids were my peers in middle school and the popular girls wanted me in their circle. i felt insecure plus i didnt really like them. they were kinda mean and too self-absorbed & not very funny. i wanted them to like me though and texted them making fun of our classmates and teachers during class. we sat together at lunch… they didnt eat (they had eating disorders too) so i didnt either. they would hangout outside of school and drink together and would never invite me. that shit crushed me even though i didnt really want to drink or even be around them. i just always felt like no one would ever consider me a real friend. i kind of sabotaged our relationship by playing a mean prank on one of the girls who accidentally snapchatted me half nude pics of her meant for a boy she liked. i wasnt attracted to her, but screenshotted the pictures just to get a reaction out of her. i thought freaking her out would be funny since she begged me not to open the chat in the first place. i assured her and her bestfriend that i deleted the pics after and apologized profusely. idk what was wrong with me.

i was always the kid in hella extracurricular activities cause it 1. interested me 2. kept me out the house. i would go all day not having breakfast and maybe a bag of baked cheetos for lunch, rehearse for hours after school then walk miles back home to no dinner because my sisters werent ever considerate enough to leave some for me. my mom never made them either.

sza’s hair really inspired me in 2015. i experimented alot with crochet braids my junior year and took “sexy” pics for the first time on my cracked ipad sitting on my mom’s bathroom floor. i couldve sworn that was my cutest year but my yearbook picture came out so bad a boy who had a crush on me even said it was ugly. i forgot to retake it. embarrassing as fuck.

anyway, i just really detached from the world and my body end of senior through college. boobs strapped down, body checking, working out hard, binging on snacks. i remember looking at freshman pics of me sophomore year with my first girlfriend and she told me i looked like a fatass loser lol. yeah.. i “loved” someone who would talk to me that way. freshman 15 definitely hit hard and i went home winter break with a balloon face. did kickboxing with my mom, lost alot of weight, cut off my hair and went back to school in january with people telling i looked like “a model”. i was starting to get more comfortable with my queerness so was open to more masculine presentation especially since i was hundreds of miles away from my mom and my gf really liked studs. from then on ive been in a cycle of not caring, neglecting myself in the name of freedom, trying new looks and sometimes liking it, constantly cutting my hair due to anxiety and dysphoria, sometimes really caring and craving validation. being feminine just to fit in.

now im at a place where i just want to grow out my hair, work, and starve myself until im 30 pounds lighter tbh. i want to get lost in my head and latch onto my creativity. i want to abandon everyone i know. thats what i want to do and i will. maybe not the abandon part tho cause i actually love my friends. side note: im pretty sure my undiagnosed adhd is a big reason why i binge. cant wait to get treated for that cause trying to control the impulse without medication is torture. plus, i heard stimulants make you lose your appetite :P

[tommyquackson]

Not Working | p. parker | part 4

Not My Gif

summary: you and peter are together but maybe it’s just not working anymore

warnings: angst, depression, fluff cussing i think?

note: this was the final chapter and i loved this series. thank you guys for supporting it and showing it love. Make sure you request and read my other fics. ok love y’all enjoy!!!

this is Midway School of Science and Technology calling to inform you, you’ve missed 13 consecutive school days and if you miss 2 more you’ll be at risk of failing your courses and we will have to send police over to do a wellness check. We hope to see you in school tomorrow. Have a great day

So it’s been 13 days. You haven’t left your house in 13 fucking days. You’re beginning to smell yourself, you haven’t bathed or showered since the night everything went down. You just lay in bed, watching whatever black and white shows playing on MeTV at the time. You only eat about once a day, when reciting old life insurance commercials begins to hurt your brain. Your phone died a long time ago and you’re just now listening to the messages in your home phone.

You click delete on the message and let the next one play.

hey y/n, uh it’s Brad. Look i know you hate me but you haven’t been at school and nobodies heard from you so I just wanna make sure you’re okay. I do care about you and i wanted to say-

you roll your eyes and click delete again.

hey honey! Aunt May here, just wanted to let you know me and peter are safe and back home. I’d love for you to come over and have dinner on thursday, and don’t worry Peters visiting Tony so he won’t be here. Call me back or just show up okay hon. Love you bye.

Your hand dangled over the delete button before you sighed deeply. May never did anything to you, but how were you gonna pull it together enough to get to her. You were exhausted all the time, even if you never do anything. You looked at the time and date on your home phone and realized it’s Wednesday. You sigh deeply and pick up your home phone to call May. 

ring ring ring

“Y/n! Hey honey, how are you?” Mays voice sings through the phone and for a moment the world seems a little brighter. 

“Hey May,” You croak out, you havent spoken in almost 2 weeks and your throat hurts. “I’m not doing well May, everything hurts and I cant even get out of bed. I cant go to school, or eat or sleep or shower May I hate this. I hate it.” Your already raspy voice breaks into sobs and you wonder if she can even understand what youre saying. 

“I’m on my way y/n, its gonna be okay. I love you and I’ll see you in 10 minutes.” May speaks strongly before hanging up the phone. You do nothing but change pajamas and grab a bag of chips before moving back into your bed and wait for May. 

It’s not long before May is knocking and slowly opening your front door. 

She looks at you with tears in her eyes before walking over and oulling you into a hug. It feels weird to have human contact but you dont pull away, just allow her to cuddle you. 

“Lets get you a bath, I’ll help you wash your hair.” She smiles lightly before pulling you up and towards the bathroom.

 You sit on the toilet while she gets the water and bubbles ready. Once its ready she turns away while you strip down and step in, letting your body sink into the hot water and lavendar bubbles. She immediately picks up water in a cup and pours it over your head, careful to not let it spill in your eyes, shes treating you like a mother treats an infant but you dont have the capacity to stop her. You sit in silence for a while as she brushes through the mats in your hair until you decide to speak up. 

“May? Does he love me?” You croak out

She chuckles lightly before answering. 

“When I first met Ben, I knew right away I loved him. He swept me away without knowing it. It was instant love, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. The way he looked at me made the world disappear and I knew it was the kind of love they write books about. The kind of love that turns rainy days from gloomy to comfy, turns blistering heat into warmth and fun, Ben turned everything into a fairytale effortlessly. 

When you and Peter were in the 7th grade, and we threw him the birthday party, that youd planned most of, I remember looking at Ben and he was looking at me with the fairytale look. Ya know the one all the hot actors do in movies. Anyway, he was giving me that look and when I turned my head and watched you give Peter his present, I saw him give you the look, and you gave it right back it was precious. After that, everyday I saw you standing with Peter, he looked at you with the fairytale look, When he talks about you its with the same adoration he talks about Ben. 

There is no doubt in my mind Peter loves you with every bone in his super body, y/n. You’re young and he can be a bit niave sometimes but he loves you unconditionally honey. You love him more than he loves you and he loves you more than you love him.” She stops brushing my hair and without a word begins washing my body with bodywash. I didnt even realize I had started crying until I saw a tear fall into the tub.

“I love him May. I feel like I need him to breathe, to live. I just dont understand how he could choose her over me.” 

“Because hes a teenage boy and sometimes he doesnt think about what hw has, hes just like his uncle ben i’ll tell you that. You need to talk to him, maybe not now but soon, you need to tell him everything in your brain until its empty and your throat hurts from talking, and he will listen until his ears are sore from listening and his head hurts from understanding. Now, come get dressed and I’ll order us some pizza” May shakes her hands and drys them while handing you a fluffy towel. 

She spends the rest of the night, telling you about this season of the Bachelorette while she helps you clean and do laundry. 

“Thank you May.” You hug her as she grabs her purse to leave. 

“Anything for you baby,” She kisses your head and wavees goodbye. You take a deep breathe and walkback to your room, plugging in your phone to charge. 

After a few minutes it turns back on and slowly notifications start coming in, texts and calls and emails and dms from people and your old friends. You clear them all and head for you contacts, you find Peters name and decide to text instead of call. 

                                         peter

                                                                                                                    Hey

                                                                                                Can you come over?

hey, is everything okay? 

                                                           I need to talk to you

Of course, I’m on my way.

You sigh and begin writing down everything you need to talk about, until you hear a knock on your window. You shakily stand up move towards your window, opening it and taking a step back.

“Hi” Peter whispers with his hands in his pockets.

“Hi” You whisper back.

“What’d you uh wanna talk about” Peter asks, slowly bouncing on the ball of his feet.

“Uh okay, um please sit. So um, as you probably know i haven’t been to school in a minute and uh that’s because ive been laying in my bed depressed and confused. May come over today and she helped a lot and she convinced me to talk to you about everything and that’s what i’m doing so I just need you to listen to everything in gonna spill out and i’m gonna do my best to make everything make as much sense as possible.” You look to Peter for confirmation and continue when he nods quickly.

“Okay uh first, I wanna say I’m sorry, for everything. For Brad, for ignoring you and yelling at you and for being a shitty friend. You were right about Brad and i’m sorry I didn’t listen to you, I just wanted so bad to be wanted ya know? I was feeling so insecure about you loving me that I ran to the first person that showed interest in me. I’m also sorry i basically ditched you guys for him, i just couldn’t look at any of you without feeling nearly sick. But i miss my best friends and I miss you Peter.

I’ve known since we were children that you were special to me. I always assumed it was one sided because I’d seen you go after other girls so i felt like there was no way you could ever love me as much as i love you, but I know now that you do, or did or do i don’t know but I do know that for me, you’re everything I need. We’re soulmates Pete, I can feel it. I feel deep in my heart that the universe made us just to be together and being without you would be to deny the universe herself and who am i? I need you so much when you aren’t around me i can barely breathe and a part of me is missing. I love you unconditionally and I always have.

What you did with Mj killed me, shattered my heart because I felt like once again, you chose her over me, your bestfriend and girlfriend and I hated that feeling each time I got it. The night i broke up with you I cried until my head hurt to much to stay awake, i felt stupid for thinking you wanted me more than her and I understood it. I looked at Mj and it felt like a no brained to pick her but it still never felt right. I know you didn’t mean it and we’re still so young peter. We’re basically kids trying to form a life long relationship and we don’t know what we’re doing. I don’t know how or what i’m going to do but I wanna be with you peter. I would have to take it slow of course but that’s where i’m at with us. So um yea.” You let out a sigh of relief of getting everything off your chest. You look away from Peter and wipe the tears that had fallen during your mini speech.

“I love you. I do. So much. Ever since our breakup i’ve been planning and wondering how to get you back. I felt lost without you and I never wanted you to feel less than. You’re perfect in every way y/n. You’re my oxygen and MJ is honestly just a friend. She could never make me feel the way you make me feel. We’ve got May and Ben type of love babe I swear we do. It was a stupid mistake but of you give me another chance I promise I will spend the rest of my life proving to you you mean the world to me and i will choose you again and again. I love you y/n and i want you to always know that.” Peter speaks through tears as he pulls your body close to his. He whispers how much he loves you against your temple as you break down and sob into his chest.

“Can you stay the night?” You whisper up at him.

“Will you let me take you out? Friday?” He looks hopefully at you. You smile lightly and bite your lip.

“Yes.”

“Then yes. I’ll stay with you” He kisses your forehead once more, before pulling you both under the covers to cuddle into you fall asleep to the beat of peters heart.

taglist: @cyrusandhiscollaredahirts @silver-winter-wolf @just4muggles @randomtrashpanda @sunshine-ybba @jin-hyuks @lovely-geek @jackiehollanderr @des0rbitadx @flowersgirl02 @eridanuswave @dear-selena @lavender-lovin @greatpizzascissorstaco

[frisbee-camp]

What’s Hidden Can Be Found|Tyrus Summer Camp AU

AO3 link/Wattpad link

Camp Lowland sleepaway camp is an hour drive from Shadyside, where tensions and disagreements have been left for time to mend. But what will Tj and Cyrus do when the past comes chasing after them? Follow the Good Hair Crew and The Good Boys through their annual two-month stay in the wilderness where nature does not care for petty arguments and time has only worsened their situation.

Chapter 1: Deja Vu

///*takes place about one to two years after the finale**summer after freshman year of high school bcs idk if they're in 7th or 8th lol thx disney//

Disclaimer: ive never been to summer camp lmao but I did go to camp in sixth grade so forgive me if my knowledge of summer camp culture is off. FOR TYRUS WEEK!! ////

TJ squinted when the hot forest sun hit his eyes. It was hot. Actually properly hot. Another degree up and the pine trees would have kindled and Camp Lowland would have burned down. TJ’s duffle bag pinched his shoulder as he walked towards the main camp lawn where the rest of Sunnyside teens congregated around the flagpole. He always enjoyed this weird annual tradition where parents sent their kids to the middle of nowhere to annoy other slightly older teenagers. Anyone who was anyone went to Camp Lowland, this meant all of his school friends would be there. His smiled widened as he was met with hugs from William, Lucas, Grant and his other basketball friends. There were about a hundred or so campers this year, a little less than last year thought TJ.

“YO, TJ!!” Someone to his right called out to him. It was Marty, trailed by Jonah. Marty’s hair had gotten fluffier, he had grown taller since middle school. Jonah had also gotten taller and now had a soccer players body since he switched from Frisbee to the more recognized sport. TJ jogged to his friends and gave them hugs.

“Hey guys, what’s up? Where are we this year?” He dropped his bag around the compact grassy field and looked around. Camp Lowland was set in a valley surrounded by tall prickly pine trees. There was a river on the east side and a lake in the north, and a soccer field and basketball in the west. There were four cabins at Camp Lowland: Redwood, Aspen, Oak, and Willow. All situated on the edges of the grassy field in a rhombus layout with Redwood in the north, Aspen in the east, Oak in the west, and Willow in the south. They were big and luxurious as someone had recently donated an excessive amount of money to them. TJ loved it. No school. No teachers. No stress. Just him, his friends, the wilderness, and fun. He felt like a dog let loose in a flower field.

“We’re Redwood, all three of us. Cool right?” Jonah smiled his classic smile. Tj, Marty, and Jonah had formed their own little posse Andi had named The Good Boys. Tj didn’t even remember how they became such good friends, one day he just found himself in a group chat with the three of them and no one else. In a year they were inseparable. He had a feeling they had been set up by Andi and Buffy, but no one complained. They were some of the only people TJ could completely trust.

“Yeah, cool,” TJ said cooly and looked around in the crowd. He couldn’t see Andi or Buffy or even…

“You looking for Cyrus?” Marty had noticed him looking around, “he’s already in WIllow with Andi and Buffy.” Marty gave him a sympathetic smile. He always kept an eye on Cyrus since he was still with Buffy. Tj returned with a shy smile.

“You ready to go?” Jonah said as he dragged his bag towards Redwood.

“Yeah let’s go,” TJ said without looking back.

Tj loved the new renovations, now it meant that there were four people per room in each cabin with ten rooms in each cabin. Five for boys and five for girls on opposite sides of the hall. By some glorious luck, the Good Boys were all in one room. There were two bunk beds but no one came to claim the last bed. Marty and Jonah took the top bunks, leaving TJ alone on the bottom. Once they settled in, TJ opened the window that overlooked the lake. It was glistening and alive and it took all of TJ’s will to not jump in right now. It wasn’t as hot as it was when he got to Camp, but it was still enough to cause his t-shirt to cling to him. At least the breeze cooled as the sun started going down.

Later that evening, when the camp counselors had introduced themselves and their ridiculous camp names, Tj found himself searching the mass of teenagers for a boy with dark hair. Each cabin had their own fire pit and was roasting marshmallows and introducing themselves to each other, but that didn’t mean Tj couldn’t see the other campers in adjacent fire pits. During high school, TJ had tried to move away from the mean jock stereotype but it was impossible to control how people saw him. He still played basketball, was the best on the team and the captain of JV, but that didn’t make him any less self-conscious. He didn’t have much more to hide really, except maybe his dyscalculia, but everyone knew he was gay or questioning or whatever you want to call it. But they still didn’t know him like, like him. Tj found the back of Cyrus’ head on Andi’s shoulder around the Willow fire. He knew he probably hated being outdoors, probably hated the dirt and the sun. He gave himself a sad smile and burnt his marshmallow on purpose.

After introductions and camp songs Tj had sung a million times, the cabins were allowed to mill about and socialize. The Good Boys and the Good Hair Crew immediately found each other in the crowd.

“Hey!” Andi said, “Aren’t the renovations awesome! We all get our own bathrooms now!”

TJ zoned out after that. They laughed and talked while Tj hid his hands in his pockets. He tried to catch eyes with Cyrus, but he kept looking away from him at the last second. Tj decided that he couldn’t be there anymore and said, “I’m gonna get some chocolate.”

Tj found himself mindlessly chewing on a gummy bear at the snack table. There were all sorts of goodies laid out in front of him, sour candies and chocolate bars, a big bowl of fluffy marshmallows, strawberries, crispy mountain apples, and lots of chips and popcorn. Any other day and Tj would have devoured the entire table, but not today. He reached for a marshmallow to roast and brushed hands with someone familiar.

Tj’s eyes fluttered up.

“Hey,” Cyrus said shyly.

“Hi,” Tj said just as quietly. Tj had his glasses on, the flame from the fire reflected over them and half of his face making him look a little warmer than usual.

“Um,” Cyrus looked down at their still touching hands and inched his way. Tj missed the sensation. “I think there are enough marshmallows to go around,” Cyrus joked. It was nice to hear him laugh, even it if was just a small one.

“Yeah, but who knows. You know I could eat an entire bowl of this stuff,” Tj said.

“Yeah I know,” Cyrus was staring at him. It made him shuffle his feet and look towards his friends.

“How’s your room?” TJ asked trying to ease the tension but if Andi came over right now she’d be able to cut it with scissors.

“Probably not as nice as yours,” Cyrus blinked once. Tj thought he saw his cheeks pinked, but it could have been the heat from the fire.

“Well, you are in Willow…” Tj teased. It was camp tradition that the opposite cabins were rivals. This meant Redwood rivaled Willow and Aspen rivaled Oak. At the end of the summer, whichever camp amassed the most points would have a tree named after the cabin leader. Tj was sure it was just an excuse to plant two trees every year, but it wasn’t about who won at the end, he just loved the competition. Sometimes the cabins would form alliances, last year Aspen won because Redwood helped them during a scavenger hunt, and in return, they let rabbits loose in Willow. Not the fluffy cute rabbits, these ones had rabies. The camp almost shut down because of the scandal but no one found out that it was all Amber and Tj’s idea.

Cyrus laughed a little, “Whatever cabin leader, don’t let the power get to your head.” Being cabin leader meant TJ and the other cabin leaders, Amber for Aspen (again), Iris in Oak, and Buffy in Willow, could choose what days the cabin wide competitions would be held. It may seem small, but every cabin had a strategy. Even the ones with alliances.

“Oh don’t worry Cyrus, it already has,” Tj knew he was looking for too long. He probably had that dumb grin he got around Cyrus.

Cyrus hummed softly and poked a marshmallow through his marshmallow skewer and walked back towards the group. TJ’s heart rate finally calmed down when he left.

The next day began cabin competition or ‘Cabin Comp’ preparations. One competition worth 200 points held at the end of each week and culminating in the final competition which was yet to be determined by the cabin leaders. But during the week each cabin could win up to 50 points, two max for each cabin member that exhibited good behavior, excellent camping skills, or any other skill that the counselors felt deserved an award. That meant there was a maximum of 2,000 points. Tj’s cabin last year had won 1,582 but Amber’s had won a perfect 2,000. He didn’t care though, because he still beat Willow. It was sort of like Hogwarts, except the only magic came from the adrenalin rush he got from playing basketball with his friends.

Tj spent most of the week playing basketball and soccer with the Good Boys. He tried concentrating on figuring out a strategy for the first game: capture the flag. It seemed like Buffy was working on a strategy too since she kept giving him cold glances during morning announcements and in the mess hall. Last year she had gotten only 50 points less than Tj, a little too close for Tj’s taste. He had a feeling she was keeping her cabin members away from the Redwoods, which was understandable since he was doing the same with the Willows. During the first week, campers usually stuck to their own cabins and through the summer tensions calmed until a couple of weeks to the last Cabin Comp.

“Yo T!” He heard Jonah call to him, “you good dude?” Jonah held the basketball on his hip, his blue eyes the same color as the river he was staring into.

“Yeah, I’m good just thinking,” He said absentmindedly.

“Yeah? About CC1?” Marty said a little out of breath. CC1 stood for Cabin Competition One.

Tj just sighed and nodded. “Bro if you need help thinking you know you can ask us right?” Jonah added. Tj’s lip quirked up. For some reason, he thought he could do it alone. He tried not to get caught up in the cabin leader mentality where he only thought the competition was between him and the other leaders.

“How ‘bout now?” Tj said, surprising even himself.

The rest of the night Tj, Jonah, and Marty spent sitting on the floor of their room. Tj had to step out to do room inspections with the cabin counselor Luke, a 20 something with way too much energy and who always smelled like some illegal substance. TJ liked him nonetheless, he was cool and never talked down to his campers.

“Hey, TJ. Don’t worry about all that CC stuff I know we’ll win like last year” Luke whispered as they tiptoed around the cabin with flashlights making sure all the campers were accounted for.

“I don’t know Luke, this year feels different, like a bad version of deja vu or something,” Tj breathed out.

“Just think positive and you’ll attract those good vibes,” Luke said. He had a habit of trying to give everyone he met a psychic reading. Let’s just say that he was 0% psychic.

“I don’t even know why I’m cabin leader again,” Tj was surprised when he was voted as cabin leader around the campfire last night. This would be the third year in a row he’d been elected.  Same with the other cabin leaders.

“Just think of it as the universe rewarding you, you know you can always give it to someone else,” Luke trailed, “like I don’t know, Jonah or even Marty or something. I know you guys are basically the same person.” Luke gave an airy laugh and clicked his flashlight off.

“I don’t know dude,” TJ said, “I guess they trust me or whatever.” Tj actually thought his cabin members were just playing a trick on him. It wasn’t that he was mean anymore, he just thought that they thought he was still a jerk. Maybe he had been wrong. Maybe he was leveled and a good leader.

When he got back to his room Jonah and Marty had perfected the strategy. Tj smiled as it was laid out in front of him in his friends’ messy boyish handwriting. “Perfect” he finally said after examining it.

When CC1 day came, the mess hall buzzed with excitement. Everyone was nervously chittering away as TJ slurped down two bowls of cereal. He found himself staring at Buffy’s table, more specifically to Cyrus who looked tired but content as he bit into a slice of bacon.

“Tj,” Jonah said to him, “Focus, we need you.”

“You’re right, sorry” Tj felt his nose pink just as Cyrus met his eyes and quickly looked away.

Tj stood on the steps of the Redwood cabin as he explained the rules and strategy of CC1: capture the flag. The plan was simple. They would not ally themselves with either Oak or Aspen, they were to directly look for Willows flag. Half of them would defend and the other half would go searching spread out evenly and with whistles to use as signals and to blow if any of them were in trouble. A third of the searchers would run at full speed and while Willow was distracted another third would follow and when they least expected it the last third would storm. Tj had only a faint idea of where the flag was. He knew that Redwoods' flag was on the dock in the middle of the lake, Aspen’s would probably be on the other side of the river, Willows would be somewhere around the willow tree they were named after, and Oak’s would be on the top of the hill their cabin was in front of. This meant that all the flags would be behind the cabins, they’d have to run through the open field. Once they ran, Willow would know their plan.

He looked out at his cabin members, kids he had known since he was a toddler. They knew him and trusted him and Tj felt his heart soar like when it does when he captains the basketball team. He took a deep breath and looked out at the other cabins. The sun was just as hot as the first day they were there. Hot. Not warm or steamy but a humid sticky hot. Here we go he thought.

“Change of plans,” Tj said suddenly. “Searchers, go in your ambush groups but sneak behind Aspen and Oak before going into Willow’s territory."

It was a good thing he changed the plan because Buffy had chosen to use the strategy he abandoned at last minute. He didn’t know how she had learned it, but once the whistle blew from Head Counselor Moose she and 10 other cabin members stormed. TJ laughed knowing that his cabin would know exactly how to get them out. Marty had volunteered to guard the flag himself. Tj lead one of the ambush groups behind Oak and Jonah behind Aspen. They were sneaky but even then some of them were tagged out leaving only Jonah and Tj to quietly look for the Willow tree. And then it was there. After what felt like thirty years of walking and a gallon of sweat, Tj saw the enormous and beautiful Willow tree. Andi’s sculptures could never compare to the real thing. This one was tall, with branches that hung low and swayed in the wind. It was incredibly green and lush and just slightly tinged pink along the borders. The suns' heat didn’t even phase this part of the forest. It’s rays gently seeped through the leaves, leaving a fuzzy warm light. The grass was taller than normal here, rising above Tj’s ankles. Wildflowers dotted the base of the tree, light purple, and yellow and pink. TJ crept closer to the tree, it must have been a trick, this was too easy. He saw the flag peaking around the corner of the trunk, it was neon orange and foreign in such a natural environment. Tj went to grab it but someone also poked their head around the trunk.

“You didn’t think you’d be able to just take it did you?” Squinted up an already sunburnt Cyrus. Tj jumped back. He wasn’t expecting to talk to Cyrus today, especially not have him holding the flag that could get him 200 points.

“I uh-“ Tj blinked in surprise as Cyrus stood up to his full height. He wasn’t holding the flag, he was the flag. Buffy had tied it around his waist. Not against the rules but fowl play. Of course she would do this. She knew Tj would come himself and she knew he couldn’t just snatch it from Cyrus’ body. Tj vowed to take revenge.

But Cyrus looked so cute in the Weeping Willow tree’s soft light. He had a blue wildflower behind his ear and had tried weaving himself a flower crown. It was crooked on his head. He must have been here for a long time. Probably before the cabin leaders even explained the rules.

“Yes?” Cyrus swayed slightly, he seemed proud of the predicament he had put Tj in.

“I uh,” Tj swallowed and saw Jonah out of the corner of his eye, “I came for the flag.”

Cyrus considered this for a moment and then saw Jonah in Tj’s line of sight, “Tell Jonah that if he comes any closer I’ll tag you out and run. You know you can’t afford that because Buffy is probably just as close to your flag.” He was right. Geez. Cyrus was enjoying this, his eyes glinted and he had a small smile.

“Marty’s guarding ours.”

“Yeah, she knows,” Cyrus sighed slightly, “do you think she cares?” Tj knew Marty and Buffy were so in love it disgusted him, but he also knew Buffy would take the flag without hesitation.

“So what do you want me to say that will make you give me the flag?” Tj blurted. He hated this weird tension they had.

Cyrus looked angry now, “I don’t want you to say anything. Why are you being a jerk?��

Tj grunted in frustration, his win was a foot away from him but he couldn’t get it because of his feelings.

“I don’t know Cyrus?! Why are you so weird around me?!” Tj could tell that his voice had raised. It made Cyrus cower a bit, but he quickly regained his angry face.

“You broke me TJ! You know that.” Cyrus was about the cry, TJ could tell by the way he spit out every word.

“What? Wh-“

And then Camp Counselor Moose’s whistle blew. Buffy had won.

[femmeveined-a]

📱 rachel & vic oof

📱( Accepting! )

RACHEL

May 7th, 2010

Rachel sprawled out on her bed, the night’s events turning over in her head as the sun rose over the trees. The concert had been the first time she and Chloe had really gotten close since they called a truce on their dislike of each other. Chloe already knew more about her than the kids at Blackwell, who only knew Rachel as whoever Rachel wanted them to think she was. Running into Chloe at the Old Mill had been completely out of Rachel’s control, and she couldn’t decide if she loved it or hated it. Groping at her sheets for a minute, her fingers grasped her phone, and she looked out the window as she tried to figure out what to say.

4:26 AM: i’m so amped up from last night i can’t sleep. would‘ve hella sucked without you, glad you decided i was cool enough to hang with, finally.

She weighed her options, mouth screwing up into a pucker. She’d flirted with Chloe all night, even over text after they’d parted ways. But she had to mix it up, keep it interesting. Deleting the text in seconds, she opened Instagram, posting the best picture she could find from the previous night, with the caption, “Firewalk with me ;)”

July 24th, 2011

Rachel jumped a mile when her phone vibrated, earning a sidelong glance from Frank. “Is that Chloe? Rachel, she has to know by now. Where did you even tell her you were going today?”

Rachel swiveled the driver’s side chair and jumped up to put Pompidou on his leash. “I told her I was in Seaside. Which we are. I just… Didn’t mention we were taking your RV. Or that ‘we’ involved you. I even sent her a postcard, I thought she’d chill, but–”

“Chill? Chloe Price?”

“Frankie, stop.” Rachel laughed, rolling her eyes. “She’s not… Okay, she’s a little much. But you have to love her.”

“No I do not.” Frank looked downright offended at the suggestion, and Rachel sighed, raking her fingers through her hair.

“Fine. I do. And I know she won’t like it, and it’ll just start bullshit drama. Not really our style. And I like our style.” Rachel leveled her gaze at him, the way she knew could get her her way any time she wanted.

Frank held her gaze for a long minute, before tossing her her phone. “Just text her. Tell her you’re okay. She goes nuts when she doesn’t hear from you, y’know.”

Rachel considered it for a minute, telling Chloe everything. About Frank, about how she’s really in love, and how happy she is. Holding Pompidou’s leash between her knees, she types it out, just to see it in writing.

1:56 PM: hey babe. i’m in seaside, remember? buuuuuut… i didn’t tell you who with. it’s frank. y’know. that frank. we’ve been hanging out for a while, and uh… now we’re kind of hooking up. and i think he loves me. and i think i love him. maybe. idk. but i love you too. and idk what to do. it’s scary but i don’t wanna lose you, or him. not as friends, or… anything else.

Rachel only realized she was gritting her teeth when the headache started, and she pressed delete, holding it down for a solid minute after the words vanished. Like hell am I ruining today like this. 

March 8th, 2012

Rachel had never felt grosser. She’d known David was a creep from the start, but when she’d caught him tailing her in his shitty car, taking her picture by Frank’s, and on campus, she went into damage control mode. Cut Frank off by starting a fight and leaving him a letter goodbye, and distanced herself from the Vortex Club and Nathan. There was only one link left to get David off her back.

Chloe.

Her fingers shook slightly as she typed out the text, a lump in her throat.

9:17 PM: hey. sorry it’s been a few days of silence. needed space, y’know? but i need more. a lot more. i have school stuff to work on since the semester’s almost over, so things will be hella crazy for me and i just won’t have time for a social life. we should-

Her typing stopped as a new message popped up from Chloe, as if she’d known what was happening.

9:17 PM: holy shit dude, v just told me stepdick is stalking you. that SUCKS. he’s such an asshole. i can get him off your back. cause mischief, you know, my usual. just say the word.

Rachel smiled softly, her chest feeling a little lighter, as she deleted her previous message in the making.

January 16th, 2013

For nearly the last year, Chloe and Rachel had been closer than ever, even more so than before her secret relationship with Frank put a rift between them. Initially, when Mark Jefferson had been chosen to teach at Arcadia Bay, Rachel had only thought of her future. Sure, she had some professional shots in her modeling portfolio, but Mark was a known, celebrated photographer. She’d been subtle at the start, a stark contrast from the fan girls that drooled over him and whined for his attention. Asking him for advice on her portfolio or assignments for class, casually asking if he could maybe do a small shoot for her.

It was almost too easy for that to blur into what it was now, sneaking back to the dorms after a scandalous hookup in his office that had become their routine. She fished her phone from her bag to read the long list of texts Chloe had sent her over the last two hours, chuckling and shaking her head. She’d tried to write it all out, to tell Chloe about him. But it never felt like the right time. And Chloe would lose her shit anyways, no matter when she told her.

6:23 PM: hey blue. i’m fine, sorry i went quiet. i was kinnnnnnd of with someone. but i need to tell you in person. bc it’s sort of… taboo. like, hella taboo. pick me up and we can-

A hand on her shoulder elicited a horror movie scream that echoed off the brick walls lining the sidewalk. Beside her, Nathan jumped back like he’s been shocked, hands raised in defense. “Shit! Sorry, Rach! I just, I just saw you come out of the main building and I just…”

His words trailed off as he looked at something behind her, and Rachel followed his gaze, neck craning to look without turning. Mark was half-jogging down the stairs, briefcase in hand. He gave her and Nathan a curt nod before heading to his car, and Rachel turned back to Nathan, who’s expression had visibly darkened. “Uh, you good, Nate? He give you a shit grade or something?”

“Or… Something.”

April 21st, 2013

Something was very, very wrong. Sure, Rachel had taken some shit, and drank a little. But she could hold her own. A little weed and molly didn’t leave her stumbling like Bambi learning to walk, head spinning, and her stomach lurching. The flashing lights of the party stung her eyes and made her head throb, like she had the worst hangover in the world. Victoria had seen her, mocking her for not being able to hang. She vowed to never drink again if she survived this. Chloe was here somewhere, but Rachel just needed out, now. She pushed open the doors, deeply inhaling the cool evening air. Pulling out her phone, she tried in vain to type, but everything came out jumbled and nonsensical.

The door opened behind her, Mark stepping out onto the sidewalk next to her. “Rachel, are you alright? Let me get you back to your dorm.”

By that point her vision was blurring and darkening at the edges, so she just nodded.

Next thing she knew, she woke up in the dark, feeling like she was flying. After a minute, looking around with each movement taking all her strength, she realized she was in Mark’s car, laying across the back seat. Realizing her phone was still clutched in her hand, she typed out a single text to Chloe, the car coming to a stop as she finished writing it.

1:29 AM: somethings wrong. scared. mark took me. idk where i am. help.

Mark opened the door, Rachel letting out a low groan as he dragged her from the car and letting her drop outside the car as he picked up her phone, watching the text try to send, until the words flashed across the screen.

MESSAGE SEND FAILURE. RETRY?

October 13th, 2013

Rachel had been in the hospital for three days, and only really conscious for two of them. Hooked up to an IV giving her nutrients to try and supply everything she’d missed over the last six months as well as water. They’d recovered her phone in the bunker, giving it back only after they’d gotten all evidence off of it. That pissed Rachel off, but she didn’t have a leg to stand on since her own naivete and secrecy had gotten her kidnapped in the first place. After everything, all the shit she’d hid from Chloe, Chloe had found her. Saved her. And Rachel couldn’t bring herself to talk to her.

Tongue bitten between her teeth, Rachel frowned at her phone for over a minute before hurriedly opening it and getting to Chloe’s messages. She’d seen all the calls Chloe had made to her before, when she was tied up and left to die. But none since, because she was a hundred feet away, in the waiting room.

1:56 PM: hey life saver. come say hi. i owe you a thanks. and like, so much more.

VICTORIA

March 7th, 2010

Why the fuck did I call her Kari? This was the thought swirling around Victoria’s head as she sat in her Chemistry class. She was replaying the scene over and over in her head. She’d asked, specifically, what Chloe’s name was on the picture of them at that concert. But instead of, “Hey, Chloe, cool concert?” she’d gone on some ego-maniac spiel about her dumb photography award, and called her Kari. Victoria was cringing so hard she thought she might combust.

Sneaking her phone from her bag to her lap, she typed out a quick, hopefully casual message.

9:56 AM: thnx for the chem help. maybe u could tutor? i can pay.

But then, from behind her, the teacher’s voice rang out shrill and angry. “Ms. Chase, what is the meaning of this?”

Dread and understanding filled her, and she deleted the message, typing out an angry, belligerent message in its place. Fuck Chloe, this is what happens when you ask for help.

January 1st, 2011

The night previous had been unexpected, to say the least. Chloe wasn’t exactly in Victoria’s social circle, and hadn’t been at Blackwell for over a year, so their only connection was the rare times Rachel forced them together to hang out with her. They tolerated each other, even occasionally laughed at each other’s jokes. But last night had been different.

Rachel had completely bailed from the Vortex party, leaving Chloe to mope in the corner, nursing her red solo cup clutched a little too aggressively to be casual.

Pathetic.

Just to get Chloe out of there, to avoid souring the mood of the whole party, Victoria had taken her out to stairs and offered her a cigarette, forgetting herself as she lit it by leaning in close with her own. Brown eyes meeting blue and illuminated by the burning ends of their cigarettes, they held the gaze for what could only be a moment before pulling back and laughing it off. What followed had been nearly an hour of honestly talking, ranging from Rachel being a bitch for ditching Chloe, to the Vortex Club, to life at Blackwell. Small talk, sure, but it was easier to talk to Chloe than Victoria could have ever expected. When it became clear Rachel wasn’t making a reappearance any time soon, Victoria walked Chloe back to her truck after double and triple checking she wasn’t too fucked up to drive.

Now, in the harsh lights of the bathroom as she double-checked her make up, Victoria looked down at her phone, even picking it up and typing out a message.

7:50 AM: it’s v. hope you didn’t die last night, from alcohol poisoning or otherwise. last night wasn’t terrible, quelle suprise. guess we’re not totally at a loss if rach keeps bailing.

Just then, Taylor and Courtney entered, Taylor immediately checking herself in the mirror, and Courtney handing Victoria her morning coffee. Forgetting the text, Victoria shut off her phone, and accepted the coffee.

March 11th, 2012

Despite the odds, Victoria and Chloe had gone from tolerating each other to something… Different. Rachel’s presence was no longer a prerequisite for them to hang out together, though they insisted on keeping it secret regardless. Their drunk talks outside Vortex Club parties had turned into dizzying, intense hookups in Chloe’s car, or the bathroom, or wherever else they could get before they tore each other’s clothes off.

And still, Victoria couldn’t bring herself to just be nice to her. She was well aware it was Chloe’s birthday, it was all over her Facebook and Rachel’s instagram, that they had “big plans” for the big 1-8.

Plans that did not include Victoria.

Poring over her homework, textbooks covering her entire desk, Victoria’s head jerked up when she heard the now familiar revving of Chloe’s hideous truck. For a second, she thought Chloe had changed her mind. Chosen to hang out with Victoria instead of Rachel, not just hung out with her because she was the next best option. Her heart jumped, and she picked up her phone to text the birthday girl.

10:25 AM: since it’s your birthday we’ll drop the pretense. give me five minutes-

But her heart dropped back down just as quickly with the all too familiar sound of the dorm door banging opening, where from her window she could see a streak of blonde hair and flannel running to Chloe’s truck.

Oh.

Silently, Victoria sank back into her desk chair, swallowing hard as she tried to focus on her work instead of the annoying, dull ache now sitting squarely in the middle of her chest.

August 7th, 2013

Rachel had been missing for three months and sixteen days. And Victoria had stopped answering Chloe’s texts a month ago. But she was beginning to crack. The texts from Chloe ranged from poorly faked nonchalance (’hey vic, whats up, i’m at blackwell let’s chill’) to accusatory (’you always hated rach, you wanted her gone, fuck you!’). So Victoria ignored them. But she was scared, just like Chloe. And sad. And news of the disappearance was harder to get ahold of when she wasn’t in Arcadia Bay, stuck home in Seattle until the beginning of the school. Skimming over the unanswered texts, Victoria bit her lip and started to type something out.

3:05 PM: any news? hope ur having a nice summer. other than the obvi.

But a knock at her bedroom door, and Danielle, the family’s cleaning lady, poking head in distracted her from the ache, if only for a minute. She threw her phone into the middle of her bed and walked out, giving a rare, sweet smile to Danielle, and flounced out of the room, pushing all thoughts of Rachel, Chloe, and Arcadia Bay from her mind.

October 4th, 2013

Oh my god. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod.

Even in Victoria’s alcohol and coke fueled buzz, she knew what she’d seen. Nathan had been shadowing Kate all night, after being the one to invite her, and then slipped something in her drink, which he was now handing off to her. Victoria felt icy, like all circulation in her body had stopped. The pounding bass felt otherworldly with the music muffled by her panic. In her mind, two dots struggled to connect, separated by months and what, at the moment, had seemed like absolutely nothing. But when Kate started stumbling, her dark blonde hair lit up by the flashing lights, deja vu hit Victoria like a truck.

Rachel had been drugged before she disappeared. It all made sense now. Why she was so out of it, and why she’d left so fast. Chloe was the first person Victoria thought of, and she fumbled to pull her phone out.

11:38 PM: chloe it’s vic call me ASAP i think i have a clue to what happened-

Courtney and Taylor, who until now had been watching Kate, mesmerized and horrified, looked over at Victoria for instruction. Victoria opened her mouth, unsure what was about to come out. Before she could speak. Courtney laughed and grabbed her phone. “Holy shit, Saint Kate is going Girls Gone Wild. We’re so posting this.”

November 24th, 2013

The month and some change since the End of the World Party had been bizarre. Victoria had lost nearly everything, from her Everyday Heroes win, to her friends, to the Vortex Club leadership position. But Max had approached her like it was nothing, and sat with her when no one else would, and brought her assignments when she couldn’t bear to leave her room. An extension of Max’s friendship was being reunited with Chloe, whom she hadn’t spoken to in four months.

It wasn’t easy, trying to piece together a genuine friendship after how quickly Victoria had dropped Chloe, and Chloe had accused her of being involved in their still-missing friend’s disappearance. But somehow, they did it. When Max headed off to Seattle for Thanksgiving break, and VIctoria’s family let her know she wouldn’t be welcome at the family gathering after her “disgrace”, Chloe was the first person she turned to.

11:40 AM: sorry for the late notice, but… any chance you’ve got a spare seat at your table? kinnnnnnnd of disinvited from thanksgiving, with nowhere to go.

Twelve long minutes later, her phone vibrated in her hand.

11:52 AM: v, i think if i turned you away my mom would disinvite me. yes, you’re coming. bonus points if you make david feel shitty with me.

[sand1128]

FanFic: The Chair

Special thanks to @imaginarybird @drizzyyjayy @madelinecoffee @frankchurchillsaysrelax for their never ending support. 

The Chair, from Texas 3, is featured in several different stories in my Rucas universe. In this story, Auggie is handing the chair “down” to Logan and Michael. As he explains its significance, he talks about the 4 times he had Lucas sit and the one time Lucas had him sit. 

Up next: Lucas’s first time home alone with Logan

"To some, this is just a tiny chair. To me? It's so much more. This chair played a huge part in my role as your mom's brother.

Grab a seat Logan...you too Michael... I'm going to tell you the legend of the chair. To quote your Uncle Zay? It's a great Rucas story.  I'm going to tell you about the 4 times I made your dad sit in that chair and about the one time he made me sit in it. 

It's important that you know all about that chair because you have sisters you will need to protect. Sisters that you might need to comfort.  While your Dad has the shoe stealing covered... you guys are going to be the ones to make sure anyone is right for them."

Logan chimes in with "Dad said Emily Ann is not dating until she's 40"

Standing in the hallway, Lucas grins as he hears Auggie laugh "Yeah. Like that will happen. Emily Ann is just like your mom, which means she will likely meet the person of her dreams long before she is 40"

Lucas frowns at that comment but has to cover his mouth to contain his laughter when Logan repeats "40...4...0 and not a day before Uncle Aug. Dad and us? We won't allow it."

Auggie smirks "You keep thinking that way kid. Emily Ann and Hope are both going to be heartbreakers long before they are 40. They are gorgeous"

"Ewww...yuck. Don't say that Uncle Aug, you're talking about our sisters!" 

Auggie laughs and begins his story...

I.

Riley came home from Texas an emotional mess. Oh, she tried to hide it from everyone but as her brother I knew the signs to look for. She also proclaimed to anyone within earshot that Lucas was now her brother. This alternately confused me, hurt me and infuriated me. I knew she had feelings for Lucas, real ones not brotherly ones. I am her ONLY brother she does not need any more! How did everyone miss what she was doing? How did her best friends not realize that she was sacrificing her happiness?

I texted Lucas and asked him to come over. As he sat in that chair I wanted to make sure he knew that a) I was her only brother b) no matter what happened he better not hurt my sister. 

 I wanted to tell him that Riley was lying...wanted him to know that she still really, really liked him but was putting everyone else's happiness before her own.  Wanted to ask him how he felt about her. If he still really liked her and why we were still waiting for his moment & if he thought he would ever get a chance to have it. I couldn't do any of that. Riley would've killed me. I wanted to tell Lucas that if my sister cried over him? I would make him pay.

“Riley is my sister. I’m her only brother. and her only brother is telling you whatever happens, DON’T hurt my sister.” 

     It took a long time before my sister was Smiley Riley again but when they came back from the Ski Lodge school trip, she was wearing the biggest smile. She told me all about her conversation with him and how he gave her a purple jellybean. Gotta hand it to your dad boys... that was a slick move. "

II.

London, England.... the possible new home of the Matthews? In the middle of freshman year... Grammy Topi was asked to manage the overseas office for her law firm. 

I sent Lucas a text and asked him to come over. I needed to talk to him myself.

“Take care of your sister for me. Make sure she stays Princess Dancing Sunshine. Don't let her get too far into Rileytown. If you need me, you call me... any time of the night or day. You call me... ok?” I stood up on my bed and gestured for him to stand as well. I grabbed his face "I promise Lucas. I will take care of her for you. Promise me you won't forget us?" I asked as I hugged him tightly.

"How can I forget my first love and her amazing little brother?" he replied as his eyes filled.

"We are pretty unforgettable, aren't we? I know we won't forget you and maybe someday, WE will be brothers"

"I'd like that. I've always wanted a brother"

"Take care of Farkle for me too? He's like our brother... though I must admit, he never made Riley as giggly as you did.

He laughed and rested his head on mine “You let me know if anyone starts making her giggly ok?"

 Once Grammy Topi decided that we were staying in NY, I don’t know who was more excited to tell your dad…. Me or your mom.” Auggie pauses in reflection.

 "Mom told me the story. He gave mom 12 roses... 11 real lavender roses and one yellow silk rose. Told her that they would be friends until the last rose died." Logan explains.

"He still does that.... every time he brings her flowers, one of them isn't real... he promises her that he will love her until the last flower dies. She keeps a few in each room of the house. He promised us that he will love us until the last star fades from the universe." Michael explains. 

"That sounds like the Lucas I know" Auggie replies with a smile.

"He's always doing and saying things like that." Michael continues "he said that in the beginning of HS he had to keep his feelings about mom to himself for a few months. Now he says that he will never do that again. He wants the whole world to know how much he loves her. That she’s always been the one for him, since Day 1, it's been her. He reminds us that she could have had other choices but she chose him anyway... even when he was being a jerk."

Auggie laughs. 

"That sounds like your dad. Keeping quiet was not easy for him. Uncle Farkle was a huge help to your dad. Ask him to tell you about the emails your dad sent him."

"Dad sent emails to Uncle Farkle?" a slightly confused Michael asks. 

"He wrote them to your mom but couldn't send them to her so he sent them to Uncle Farkle." Auggie explains

"Uncle Farkle played a big part in mom and dad finally getting together. He said that it was tough being best friends with both at that time. He wanted to lock them in a closet to make them talk. He got so angry, at one point, with dad that he pushed him" Logan explains.

"Can you imagine him doing that? Have you seen his pictures from that time? Can't believe he pushed dad. He also mentioned that he wanted to beat dad with a bag of jellybeans and a scale or at least shove them.... Aunt Smackle covered his mouth at that point. I think it's safe to say, he wasn't going to say a nice place" All three chuckle at the thought of Farkle pushing Lucas.

 III.

"I've seen your dad happy, sad, angry, hurt but that was the first time I ever saw him broken. As mad as I was at him, my heart hurt for him. I wanted to kick his butt and give him a hug. Sometimes it’s not easy being a brother... grandad used to say that "Friends talk and real friends listen" but brothers? We must "listen" for what's not said out loud. I knew your dad was hurting but I had to protect your mom first.  I might love your dad like a brother but your mom is my priority. Don't get me wrong. I have no problem telling her when she's wrong" Auggie winks and raises his index finger to his lips "Shh... don't tell her I told you but she will be wrong on some occasions .... but she's my priority"

Logan looks up at his uncle and smiles "That's what dad says all the time. That we are his priority... that nothing in this world is more important to him than mom and us kids" 

That time, I didn’t have the chair out. He made me get it before he would start talking

"C'mon Aug, you know what chair. We can't have a serious conversation unless I'm sitting in that chair. It's our thing. So, get the chair so we can start moving past this" He folded his arms and stared at me until I got it from the closet.

When he started to speak, my heart hurt for him

"I can't tell you how gut wrenching it is to look in a mirror and hate what you see. Aug, at that point, I hated everything about who I was. I was self-destructing and I didn't know it. Once it became apparent that I was out of control, the only thought I had was protecting her. I couldn't let anything happen to her. Auggie, if anything happened to your sister by my hand? I don't know that I would've survived. She's my everything and I would rather she hate me than risk hurting her" Lucas takes a deep breath and stares at his feet.

"That's the thing, Lucas. You DID hurt her. It wasn't with your fists & it wasn't even with your words... it was with your silence. Your favorite thing in the world is when you guys talk...hers too. Yet you silenced everything without any real explanation. That was just cruel. She had no idea why. I'm not going to lie, it hurt me too. Not just because you went back on your word about not hurting my sister but because you cut me out too without a word. Brothers don't do that Lucas."

"I was going to be the coolest uncle ever. The best brother in law too. How could I not be? My sister had found someone who worshipped the ground she walked on. Who loved her even when she was being goofy. Someone who wanted to be a permanent resident in Rileytown.... someone who loved her the way EVERY brother hopes his sister is loved."

"Aug... it is my greatest hope you can still be those things. I'm still that guy. I just lost my way a bit. I'm not asking anyone to forgive and forget... what I am asking for is everyone to remember who I was before all of this... who I will be again. I love your sister. I've loved her since 7th grade & I will love her forever...even if we don't get back together.”

 IV.

I had been expecting his visit and pulled out the little chair. The chair was present for some of the most important moments that Lucas and I shared.

He smiled and laughed when I told him to take a seat.

“What’s up, Lucas?” I can’t help but feel a little weepy at the sight of him in that tiny chair. It was funny when he was in 8th grade…. It’s flat out comical now that he’s in his 20’s.

“Man, does this bring back memories. I’m here to talk to you Aug about your sister. You have always been her protector.... her best friend.... the most important man in her life besides your dad. That's why I'm coming to you first. All those years ago, you made sure I knew that you were her ONLY brother. Then when London almost happened we talked about you & I becoming brothers someday. I’m here today, to ask you for your blessing. I would like your blessing to marry your ONLY sister, my ONLY love and for you & I to become brothers. Auggie Matthews? May I have your blessing to marry your sister?”

I felt 10 feet tall… “Lucas, you have been the only guy to make my sister completely goofy. You have been the VP of Rileytown for the longest time. You dealt with my dad stealing your shoes and perhaps the biggest thing? You made sure that I was included every step of the way. You sat in that chair three times before and let me be Riley’s protective brother. I know how much you love my sister and how much she loves you. Of course, you have my blessing Lucas.” Lucas stood and moved to shake my hand…I took his hand and pulled him in for a hug.

“Thanks, Auggie. I promise I will do everything in my power to make her as happy as she makes me.”

“I know you will Lucas. Now let’s go into the living room so I can watch my dad’s head spin around when you ask him.” I couldn’t help but laugh at the expression that crossed his face.

“Did Grandpa freak out when Dad asked him?” Michael asks with wide eyes.

“No, he didn’t. He did pretend to have a heart attack but Grammy Topi reminded him how much they liked your dad and how much he loved your mom. Grandpa was always a big Rucas shipper.”

 1.

The first time Rucas asked Auggie to sit... 

I was beyond exhausted and looking forward to eating a quick dinner and going to bed. I didn't care that it was only 7 pm. I was tired and nothing was going to stop me from catching up on some much-needed sleep. 

I slammed the apartment door shut and yelled "Dad- I'm home! I'm exhausted and planning to..." but my words died off when I turned from the door and realized that the chair was sitting in the living room. Puzzled, I walked to the chair just as my dad entered the room. "Hey, dad. Why is this out?" 

"When was the last time you saw it?" My dad countered. I paused, thinking for a minute as I run my hand along the top of the chair "it must have been when Lucas came to ask for my blessing to propose to Riley. It's been in Riley's old room since then" 

"I forgot that you made him sit in the chair." My dad remarks with a sly smile.

"Yeah... that chair has been a big thing in my relationship with Lucas. He sat in it after Texas, when we thought London was happening, after he hit rock bottom in college and then when he asked me if he could marry my sister. Looking back now, every time he sat in that little chair, it was a sign that he respected me as her brother. That our relationship was important too."

"Your relationship with him is very important. What did he tell you on their wedding day?"

"He thanked me for taking such good care of Riley and that he wasn't replacing me in the role of her protector... rather adding to it. That while he thinks of me as his brother too, he knows that Riley will always come first." I got quiet as I got lost in the memories. "I have to say, she sure picked a good one. Didn't she dad?"

My dad looked around the room and reluctantly agreed. "She sure did Bubba"

"You never answered my question. Why is out here?" 

My dad placed his hand on my shoulder and pushed me into the chair.

"Have a seat." I tried to stand but dad pushed me back down. "Trust me son, you are going to want to be seated for this" 

I nodded my head and stopped trying to stand. It was just easier to let him do his thing.

"Let's do this!" Dad yelled.

I was stunned to see Riley and Lucas walk out of the hallway...followed by my mom.

"Ri? Lucas? What's going on? Why are you here?" I demanded and tried to get up but my dad is still holding me down.

"Hey, Aug" Riley leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.

Lucas knelt in front of the chair- "Hey bro" he greeted me as he gave me a hug.

"Not that I'm not happy to see you guys but why are you here in NY!?!?!?!" 

Riley stands next to Lucas who reaches up to grab her hand... Their eyes meet and Riley nods her head.

I watched them like a hawk and was determined to find out what was going on.

"Auggie..." Lucas started but I cut him off quick 

"What's wrong? Are you guys sick? Do you need money? I don't have much but I've got a kidney I don't need..." I rambled in a panic.

Lucas smiles "Calm down Aug. it's good news... I promise." Lucas waited for me to take a deep breath and calm down. "Better now? Ok... we are here because you said something to me a few years ago and it stayed with me"

"Me? What was it?"

"You said you were going to be the coolest uncle in the world. Even cooler than Josh." 

"Oh yeah... I remember that" I murmured but was still confused.

After a moment or two of silence, Lucas tried again "Remember when I asked for..."

My dad interrupts "For the love of all things Rucas!!! They are expecting! There's a bun in her oven! She's prego! You're going to be an uncle in 6 months!" 

I jumped out of the chair and gathered Lucas and Riley into a hug, as tears streamed down my face. 

"Why are you crying Bubba?" my dad asked

"These are mixed tears dad, I'm beyond happy for these two but I'm sad for me because I didn't get to see you clutch your chest in agony when you found out that your baby is having a baby. Which means that they have gotten very, very close..." I trailed off sniffling.

My dad grabbed his chest "I didn't even think of that! Riley! My baby! Defiled by some two-bit cowboy! Oh, the horror!"

"Settle down Matthews. We love this two-bit cowboy." My mom replied with a sardonic smile.

Lucas and Riley joined in the laughter. Chaos ensued when I asked my dad if he needed me to explain how babies are made. As I chased my dad around the room (the latter covering his ears and screeching No!), Lucas wrapped Riley in his embrace, leaned his head against hers "did I know how crazy this family was before we got married?" 

"Yes, yes you did. You know you're stuck with us now" Riley answered as she stood up on her toes to give her husband a kiss.

"That's right Friar! You're stuck! No backsies! She's your problem now!" I cracked as I gave my sister a hug. 

"I'm so happy for you Ri. All of your dreams are coming true." I whispered in her ear.

"Thanks, Aug. He's making them come true as fast as he can. Thanks for making sure he knew that you were watching. I may need to borrow that chair someday."

      “Can you believe your mom asked to borrow “The Chair”?  She couldn’t believe it when I said no. Actually, I said a lot more than no but as a good uncle, I can’t repeat what I said.” Auggie pauses and remembers how annoyed he was that she would ask. “It was ummm… colorful to say the least. Borrow the chair? Not happening. You can’t just lend out things like that. The Chair comes with a lot of responsibility.  Rucas will always have the subway…the library… the beach (geez these two and their symbolic places) but Augcas will always have “The Chair””.  Auggie shakes his head in disbelief. The boys both chuckle and Michaels adds “Only mom”

        “And that’s the story of “The Chair” Jared,” Logan explains as he straightens his bowtie. “Now you know how important that chair is to the Friar family.” Lucas peeks around the corner and grins at the sight of his two boys standing with Jared. Listening to his sons explain the story behind “The Chair” has helped him realize that the story has come full circle. The symbol of his bond with Auggie also played an important part in the relationship between his boys and Jared.

“Thank you for telling me the story. Your family is truly one of a kind but I already knew that.” Jared replies with a smile.

“We just wanted to make sure you knew what you were getting yourself into,” Michael explains as he buttons his vest.

“Believe me I know. Between you two and Hope? I have no doubts.”

“Then our work here is done. Just remember Jared. Emily Ann is our baby sister and will always be our priority.” Logan remarks with a stoic look on his face. Lucas feels his chest puff with pride and his heart race as he is joined by his wife. He wraps her in his arms and places a kiss on her forehead. They remain silent as they listen to the rest of the conversation.

“I know and I can appreciate that fact. The epic love stories that are Corpanga and Rucas have stood the test of time. Now it’s your sister’s turn to have her own love story for the ages. Your dad used to say that “when it was the right woman, walking through NYC with only one shoe on, was like walking on a cloud.”  I'm here to tell you that when it's the right woman? That little chair feels like a throne for the King of the World. Now if you don’t mind, we need to get to the altar and wait for your sister…my life… to join me."

[wolcenvescor-blog]

Mirror in the Stone

so here is my complete love history 25+ years, no embellishments or falsities, hopefully i have left nothing out though i dont think i shall, names are all changed.

The first love i can recall was called Snail, in the 4th grade. She was the nicest girl in the class, everyone was her friend. She had awkwardly thick glasses and a sad smile. I told her years later that she was my first crush and she said but i was so ugly. she gave me a worn-out stuffed animal for my birthday one year, the best birthday present ive ever gotten.

The second was at the beginning of 7th grade, i met a girl named Tiger. She had beautiful green eyes which she frequently thrust in my face and made me very flustered. She had a great enthusiasm for everything, almost like a desperate passion. She held my hand but withdrew quickly.

I said not to leave anything out, but what follows is a bit of a mess of connections for one reason or another.

The third was Kitty. I would remain in limerence of Kitty for a number of years, during which she and i dated and broke up with several people and in between she sent me (and i no doubt sent her) confusing signals. Kitty was a lefty guitarist who wore short skirts and mismatched argyle socks. She lived partly in dreams and i felt she thought a lot like me. We always seemed to create something when we were together. When she looked at me, i felt she really looked at me. When she was not looking at me it felt awful. I wanted more. I made a beautiful thing for her. It was lost.

in 8th grade i kissed a girl named Wolfcharm. She called me after that and I couldn’t return her affections.

similarly i dated Wasp for about a week, a large loving boy who called me “baby.”

i dated a girl named Eagledog who would rough me about and later joined the marines. i “dumped” her for my best friend, who was ALSo dating her at the time and dumped her also straight after.

I did mention i was still in limerence of Kitty?

After that i had a brief connection with a boy named Tarantula, to whom i told my dark secrets, as he told me his. I had told him i could not stop thinking about him, which was true. we brought about catharsis in each other briefly, just through the talking, and crying. he was arrested soon after that and i never saw him again.

There was a boy i dated briefly in the first year of high school called Stork, and i was too nervous and broke it off quickly.

i had a brief encounter with Duck, who i have known a long time, but while she was in limerence of me when i was a child, we did not want to pursue it either of us.

And then there was Mongoose, who i will get back to later. Mongoose and i did mushrooms together and performed an odd mating ritual that collapsed into some kind of nightmare mythology. It fell apart and I continued my limerence of Kitty, until my best friend suggested i move on from both her and Mongoose with the seemingly-sweet Marmoset.

Marmoset was actually a nightmare. He lured me in with x and fast chemicals, he was high constantly and constantly trying to get me high. I was going to move in with my friends in a city we’d decided, with money they’d saved. I was going to get any wage job i could get. Marm decided to tag along. Did nothing. After i failed to hold a job and eating nothing but potatoes, and after Marm had already gone back to his parents, imploring me to return, i moved back home.

I moved in with my best friend, who was pregnant.

it didn’t work out. it never did and i kept trying to tell her that we could not live together. during that time i worked packing SPICE, getting it all over my hands, absorbing it through my skin. it was a good thing, too, bc when an Evil Person (i will call him Jackalope) DOSED me & Mongoose with massive amounts of the horrid chemical, i probably would have died if i hadn’t had already developed a tolerance. no one believed that it was deliberate. i FELT what Jackalope was, my subconscious warned me. even, a week after he dosed us, when he got arrested for trying to kill someone with a knife, no one believed me.

i left there.

My sister, the evil Marmoset, and i moved into an apartment together. He got me a job at his parents’ work, which made good money, except when your "boy-friend” spends it on cocaine and hits you. this went on for a while, more than i thought possible. i believed it was not intentional, that it was “sleep-violence.” he convinced me of that. my dreams were always telling me to get out. my sister did not know. even when my other two sisters effectively moved into my tiny apartment with me, they did not know. it was secret violence. mind-violence. i needed to get away.

During this time, my best friend gave birth to my niece.

i was still in limerence of Kitty, and attempted to use her to get away from Marmoset. when that didn’t work, I used Moth, who was a person who showed up at my door, a friend of my sister’s, who came into my apartment as i was painting alone and listened to my problems at length. He convinced me to go with him, he said it would be ok, it would just be for a little while. I did. Moth was another nightmare, but i escaped much more quickly, emotionally, mentally, physically. he did hurt me but he helped me as well, no credit is due. anyone who would have helped me get away would have helped.

i walked to another city, just walked, Moth was there but he was silent, i was in pain for not being used to walking, but did not want to show it, Moth just kept going and going. i was grateful to have someone with me but it was not really companionship. he would often get angry with me for being “weak.”

i reached my mother’s house in the other city but she did not want me there. i got a job at a coffee stand in a grocery store where i was coworkers with Rabbit, a truly magnificent creature. She only wanted to talk about history. She was from Taiwan, and told me about Japan and China fighting over her country and people. She was twelve years older than me & was as habitual as i fear i will be in that time. i say fear because Rabbit had trapped herself, i tried to suggest she leave but it was too frightening once the loneliness had set in, she confided to me.

as i said my mother did not want me at her house. i could not go back to where i had been. i began talking to Moth on the internet, he said oh hey just come live with me. i’ll get you a plane ticket. so i took it.

on December 25, 2010, i arrived in the north alone, walked from the airport to the woods. the airport had lost my bag with my blankets in it, and i waited there a long time before they kicked me out. in the forest i fell asleep in the night under all my clothes & the 1 blanket i had from my carrying on bag. the snow fell on my sleeping body and i woke in a sort of stupor. all i was was a quest for warmth, and i don’t know how i got anywhere because it took so much effort to move. eventually i wandered toward some buildings strip and got inside an airlock. my foolishness that first night showed me how to respect the cold.

i was homeless alongside Moth in the cold cold beautiful north for a while, as he did not actually have a place to live. aside from Moth, it was the most pleasant homelessness i have ever experienced. there was always food and always coffee.

we went together to a small town where we moved in to rooms in a house with 2 beautiful cats and their lovely monkey who played guitar constantly, as well as another human who was always always always working so so so so hard (i barely saw her, but i liked her, she canned pickles, a paramedic & forest ranger both! how?).

i felt so alone however i loved the land. abundant it was, i grew so many things. tomato plants sprang unbiddinly from the ground. i visited the beautiful clear cold river almost every day. i cared for her as a servant to the water, i worked at the water treatment plant and i loved it so much. but i felt out of place. wrong. and always a constant longing that threatened to defeat me.

on May 26, 2012, i wrote in my diary so i would not forget.

but i did forget.

my mind was full of terrible illusions, of being cut off from my family, thinking they did not want me anymore. because of Moth, but i did not know that. aside from that was another feeling that had been there since before i went to the north. it was stronger there, but it was still not right. and on May 26, 2012, my mind broke apart and let other things in.

and then so close to my “psychotic break” which change lasted 1 year exactly, which i can’t attempt to explain, i attempted to suppress those feelings. on June 19, 2012, i drank 2 bottles of cough syrup and the strongest wine i could get at the corner store and jumped in the river where the current was strong. As it was june it was not cold enough, but it was cold, and very dangerous. i knew that. i got myself out when i realised it would not be a very good birthday present for my friend Mongoose.

When i returned home again, this time from the far north, Mongoose kissed me on some parking garage (he was always trying to ever since the aforementioned failed weird mating ritual) and i felt so shaken that i believed for a moment that maybe i had found that other name, that it was Mongoose all along, but he only wanted to sleep with me and forget me again. he accused me of leaving my city “for a person”-- for Moth? no. Moth had been poison for me & i had extricated myself carefully from his friendship. Mongoose did not listen to me. Our tentative one-sided romance lasted for about two weeks.

i gave him 2 letters explaining about the other name, asking if it was him. He did not reply. i felt an overwhelming sense that something was passing me by. i spent so much time at his diy music venue that he had made with three of his friends, trying to find it, trying to find it.

i lost it.

I tried to deal with the pain of that for quite some time, i worked and saved money, i lived alone.

leading up to the day sometimes i felt frozen. strange. i would do things like i always would do, but sometimes was overcome with a feeling of helpless immobility. i would lie on the floor of my apartment for hours, not moving an inch.

on May 26, 2013, i experienced a ‘psychotic break,’ or i guess the world ended. i marked the day as it having been the start of my ‘psychotic break’ but it was actually the end, having echoed into the next year on the same date. i saw my grandfather soon before this, on the anniversary of his death.

After that i met Swan. she was so beautiful and seemed to really like me. but Swan was psychotic too, or whatever that is, and i did not know this for a long time, but she was also caught in the net of a psycho-killer, Muck Leech, who tried to catch me too. It began badly, it ended badly.

i kissed my beautiful friend Deer, with whom i was not in limerence but whom i loved dearly. Deer would often come to visit me as she lived close by. We did art together but nothing ever really came of the kiss, not in that way.

my best friend moved into a house in the neighborhood east of downtown, so i started spending a lot of time there. Swan lived there too, and i found i could use her energy and went to where she lived often, to paint. I had in fact abandoned my limerence of her because she had rejected me in that way, but was still preoccupied with her well-being.

i began dating Swan’s friend Peacock, who lived there too and with whom i was not in limerence but i felt i needed to be close to. i helped Peacock with her art while suppressing my own. it was comfortable, because i was still getting accustomed to my psychosis, and Peacock, though not ideal, was at least tolerant of that.

it was then also that i met a young boy named Chinchilla, who called me an angel and did magic spells with me.

and then on October 6, 2013, the world ended again, that was the day my best friend died. i didn’t find out until 2 days later, October 8, 2013.

i was in the outskirts, living with my uncle, having been in and out of mental institutions so often it all blurred together. when i found out she had died it was on the internet. it was real and not real. i called my sister. she did not know. she could not believe it. are you sure, she said. i was on the grassy lawn. it was a beautiful day, cool, clear. the trees rained their frission on me. i called Mongoose, her other closest friend. before i had said anything coherent he hung up on me. he never talked to me about her, then or after. but what did i expect? he never talked to me about her before, either.

i went to her funeral and i saw her body. it was not hers anymore. the hair had turned from fire to dirt. how, i wondered. but i knew.

the priest went on about rainbows and how to not be like her, how to accept god and never overdose on evil drugs. he did not know her. i imagined he had a piece of paper, scribbled with her name, a few words. “rainbows.” she loved rainbows, he said. it was then i took control of his body, not knowing i was doing so, made him say “the world is a bitch and i don’t care, all i want is her to come back.” he broke into tears then. collected himself. acted as if it hadn’t happened.

Peacock and i broke up a few weeks later.

It was the next spring that i moved into a room meant for Peacock. Swan entered my life again, and we entered some kind of holding pattern. i didn’t want her to leave. But she was still in a psycho-killer’s net. i couldn’t tell, nor could i care. she was the only one who held me in my grief, and that was all i really was.

i got bitten by a dog very soon after i moved into that room. i was very grateful to my roommate at the time, whom i had just met, and instead of freaking out or insisting i go to the hospital when they saw the dog bite, they just said ok and went back to bed.

on the other side of it my other roommate at the time, Stork, cornered me in the kitchen soon after i moved in to ask me if i was ok. i had been crying about my best friend, as i did excessively. i did not want to go into it, but Stork began to lecture me about how i needed to be ok or something, although i wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying, i was watching a crane fly hop around the kitchen floor, expectantly. Stork crushed the crane fly with his shoe, not seeming to notice. i made some noises that sounded like i would work on being ok and went back to my room.

my memories of this time are extremely muddled. i did not know a hunter was looking for me, the Muck Leech, or that he had already caught my scent. Had already entered my space. read my journals. read letters for me from my best friend. drawn on my walls.  yes, all literally. all almost a year before i met him.

Before i met Muck Leech (the psycho-killer, as in killer of psychos (me)) i had a dream about him (Swan had been telling me about him, and i’d seen his picture & some of his art). In it, he was a priestess of Ungit’s temple, with a long, flaxen wig and a heavily painted, masklike face. He told me he’d read a letter from my best friend to me. (i didn’t know this was true at the time of the dream.) “Be careful of myths,” he said in the dream. “They’re true.”

When i did meet Muck Leech, he manipulated my mind, and whatever friendship Swan and i were maintaining, he broke apart, slowly, painfully. i believe my friendship with Swan could have been good bc the limerence slowly faded, and eventually i knew it was just there in the first place bc Swan is a similar thing as me, like many others i know, however her pain was very, very great and i think i was drawn to that. i wanted to help her. she had been so badly hurt.

when i lived in the room i often listened to the guitar or the drums or the bass or all three, and it almost always put me to sleep. my next-room roommate was responsible for this music, however i did not know this as their bandmates’ (Stork and Stag) egos were pretty big & kind of made me think otherwise. Not Lynx, though, Lynx just played the drums really well. i never went to their shows bc no one ever told me when one was. i loved this music, however, and knew that my city needed it. i DID take it for granted, i did not examine the feeling.

and then there was TG. I will call her… Stoat. Her mouth moved all about. I met her in a cafe, and very soon after, she sat me down with a serious air and began to lecture me about how i needed to stop chasing after Peacock. Now i tried to assure her that this was the last thing possible that i wanted. But i was so flustered by her that it didn’t come out right. she patted my arm. i loved her then.

i knew then also many new people. i was grieving my best friend and wrapped myself gratefully in the circle of friends. i often spent time with Stoat, with Swan, Stork and Stag, & Chinchilla also.

i made a large painting drawing of myself, my animal self, and another person. i do not know still who this other person is, nor do i remember painting her, only that she looks very familiar and i have felt her comforting gaze for a long time.

I felt threatened by people who would come into my room and say it “used to be theirs.” i knew it was mine as soon as i entered it, i felt it.

Swan and Chinchilla & i started a band, we played at a speakeasy every week, it was wonderful.

Well except for Muck Leech. i accepted him as one of my friends, i felt affectionate towards him even as he was working to control me.

i did not know, having had a friend like my best friend, that i would not find that easily. i did not know the dangers of seeking that from that longing, finding other things instead, or having them find me.

I took a bottle of ambien under Muck Leech’s power, i went to the hospital with my father and my uncle.

when i returned he was angry, he tried to warn me and then he tried to fight me. my friends in my house did not listen to me. he wanted to hurt me.

i had bruises on my body and face from this encounter, still no one believed me. no one wanted to believe me.

i ran away.

near the end of my time there, i wrote this.

How long will you

hold back your own?

Sell your magic, break your bones

For some great mirror in the stone?

For years and years and years i’ve roamed

Searching for the mirror in the stone.

If an accurate longing

could bring me home,

Why i’d lift the souls from the statues,

From their clasping hands, and from carpets

who can fly, or cans

of coiled snakes.

Anything it takes.

But how could someone help me

If they sound just like my mother?

No one can protect me from their brother.

You follow someone’s face like a

mirror in the stone: she’s been here

Since the earth, here to hold, or to own

Build your secrecy on her out of touch

and brightness, spill your soul

The dripping-wet oil, atone

For any losses you have known

With the simplification of ashes on ashes

Longing stone for pain of bone

Each for the other’s.

Only the most comfortable same.

More, and it’s as if the other came

To break your fingers and your hold

On some great mirror in the stone.

Stop, you cry, and try to break your body

on the quay.

To be born was once the greatest thing

But one great mother took away

That longing for some other same.

That ocean in your name.

And so that someone, mother’s self,

And you, and broken, on the shelf,

And all your mirrors in the stone.

You’ll never be alone.