#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly

[girlcrushau]

[eyesofswift]

I'm having my own August moment

I havent been on a date in years, but when I go visit the city where the guy I was talking to lived, it turns out I may be "the other girl"

I just found out the guy I've been talking to has a girlfriend. He doesn't know I know. Now I'm working with my friends to expose him.

August (My Version)

Chapter 1: When we First Met

I first met James back in 2018 when I started University. He was my roommates best friend. I never saw much of this roommate because she was always spending time with him. At one point, James and I realized we had the same birthday.

Later on in the year, my goldfish got really cold and appeared dead. I was upset and he said, "let's turn them into fish-kabobs." I was mortified and grabbed my fish (they flinched) and put them in the freezer. Turns out they were just cold and if I had warmed up their water they would have been fine.

Fast forward to almost the end of the school year and James and my roommate were officially dating. End of the year move out came and went and I thought nothing of him and his relationship.

I graduated in 2022 and hadn't heard from him since my first year. Except that my best friend, Inez, started working with him and they grew to be good friends.

Chapter 2: Stronger than a 90s Trend

After life happened and many people in my life died, gained weight, was overall depressed, I signed up for the gym in January 2023. It was the heaviest I've ever been in my life. I loved it there. I felt great, I was gaining strength and losing weight.

Then, I signed up for three 21-day challenges. With 12 weeks left until summer, I wanted to challenge myself. So I worked hard. I ended up winning 2nd place. I shared my results on Instagram. James messaged me, saying that I was "lookin great!" and to say I was so confused as to why the boy who basically killed my goldfish was messaging me for the first time... ever? I said thanks and moved on.

After the second 21 day challenge, coach shared my progress pics on Instagram. I shared that on my story. He reacted with "🔥." Again, confused but appreciated the support.

Chapter 3: The Best People in Life are Free

Ive been single for years at this point, since 2019 and havent been on a date since 2018.

Going back to my friend, Inez. She tagged him in a snapchat story. I added James. Thought, "why not."

Eventually he sent me a snap or two. His drinks, a dog, views from the boat, what he did on his days off. We slowly started a streak. Then I was off the grid for a weekend and lost it. That didn't stop the snaps.

At this point, I started seeing a new therapist. He told me I should go out on more dates, and my first thought was, "With who? James? The guy who killed my goldfish?"

Slowly, we started talking a little bit more. Talked about work and how working in tourism sucks.

In general, I share gym pictures on snap. But I started sharing them a bit more often.

At this point, I could tell he was into me. Sent him a few gym pics. Got some responses of just his face.

Randomly, one day before the gym, he sends me a shirtless mirror pic. I clicked out of that so fast and yelled, "WTF JAMES" in my car.

I went for a weekend trip to the mountains. Sent him a snap jokingly, saying how my boat was faster than his (I was rowing a jon boat and he captains a whalewatching boat). He thought it was funny and said I was right.

Come time for summer camp, I went back up to the mountains and was mostly off the grid again. I sent some photos of my views and a few of how happy I was to be back. Lost our snap streak again, but still received some snaps while I was off the grid.

Chapter 4: For the Hope of it All

After my 10 days in the mountains, I went back to my real job. I had already known I was leaving. Toxic work environment that I couldn't stand anymore. I went to HR and picked up my voluntary resignation. I sent a snap of the document to James and a couple friends.

Then we got to talking about what I was doing after I left. That's when I tell him I'm going back north to photograph a friend's wedding. In three weeks' time, I would be back in the college town that he still lived in for a week.

We started talking more and more.

That Saturday I was photographing a different wedding reception. Sent him snaps throughout the event. I got pretty drunk. When I got home, I kept snapping him. At one point, James called me cute. I felt like Rudolph when Clarice called him cute for the first time. Didn't say it back.

A few days later, he kept calling me cute. I would say things like, "right back attcha" or "you too" without actually saying he was cute. Eventually, I did say he was cute. His response was, "I've always thought you were cute, in a big way"

I asked why he waited so long to tell me. He told me, "it was hard to say anything when I was dating your roommate."

I tried getting to know him better that night. Conversation wasn't the best. ¿But he tried?

Chapter 5: Devils in the Details

As time went on, snaps got more flirtatious. I would use the different filters and just send them because they're fun.

James called me sexy after one of them and I immediately cringed. To me, being called sexy is a major turn off. When you've been catcalled too many times, it just gross. Didn't say anything about it and moved on.

Another night, similar thing. I used the devil horn filter and he responded with, "ya make a sexy devil" and I about puked. Told him I don't like that. He was fine with it.

But then, he asked to see more of what was under the blanket. I don't wear a shirt when I sleep, but I made sure to always cover my chest when snapping him. My response to that was, "not today buddy boy."

After I left my job, I went out to a disco with friends. Sent him some snaps. Was super hung over the next morning. Was in the shower and sent him a few snaps. I was wearing a shower cap and looked like a drenched raccoon. He said, "I wish I was in there with ya." First of all, nope. Second of all, I was hung over AF. Told him, "no you don't."

The next morning, I go to the gym. Got in one last session before flying up north. Sent some sassy pics from the gym. Got home and James sent me, "that gym fit got me feelin some type of way 🥵." I was busy packing, changed outfits, and kept talking.

By the time I got to the airport, he was at work. I was excited to go north and see all my friends. Sent James, Inez, and other friends some snaps updating them on how my travels were going.

When I got to my destination, I heard nothing. He sent me a picture of the boat and that was it. That's when I caught my girls up.

Chapter 6: I had Marvelous Time Ruining Everything

While eating dumplings, I told my girls that I might be going on a date while I was there. I told them with James. My one friend wanted to tell Inez, since she was close with him. I told her, I want to tell her.

We talked about why he was a walking red flag. I wasn't looking to date date him, just go on some dates to feel good about myself (the last time I went on a date was in 2018. His name was JimBob. Deadass). Anyway. We finish the dumplings and go back to where I'm staying.

We call Inez.

Inez tells me that James has a girlfriend. I'm in denial. You don't tell a girl she's sexy, that you had dreams about her, that you want to shower with her, that your favorite shirt of hers is when she wasn't wearing any, when you are already in a long term relationship with another girl.

But he did.

We were all trying to figure out if they had broken up or not. Inez asked her boyfriend and he said Betty and James were still together.

James lived with Betty in her apartment.

James snapped me daily from Betty's bathroom... Betty's bed!

I found out that James cheated multiple times on my roommate. That he would ghost girls. That I was Agusta. I was the other girl. We wanted to expose him.

That would have worked if he ever responded to me.

Inez lost so much respect for James. She went to work and he could tell she was visibly pissed at him. He was concerned that his best friend was upset with him.

Few days later I was with all my girls and Inez snapped him from my phone pretending it was from her phone. He responded with the boat. She talked to him after she left.

The next day was wack.

Inez and I met for dinner. She told me that her conversation with James went something like this

"James we need to talk.

I have a feeling I know what this is about, so let me just tell you...

I should have never reached out to Agusta. Betty and I were going through a rough patch and things are getting better now."

I was furious.

The following day I snap James. I said, "hey. Instead of just ghosting me, I would like to talk about everything that's happened in person. Let me know when you're free."

He ghosted me.

Eventually, I photographed the wedding and flew home.

No other word from James since.

But now I debate on how I move along in life. Do I email Betty telling her what happened? Do I post that he's a cheater anonymously on the Facebook community page? Do I black mail him into paying for my gym membership? Do I send this story to an influencer on Instagram and have them help me share this without using the city or his last name and expose him to the whole world? How do I help Karma speed up the process?

If anything else comes up, I'll write chapter 7.

Thank you for reading about my life from March-August 2023.

Much love,

~ Agusta

[uwua3]

Hello! Sunflowers hold a really special meaning for me so when i read the "sunflower dreams" My heart was so happy!! I havent felt this happy in a long time since quarantine started so thank you for taking the time to write it! It really made my day. If i could request a kazunari x reader where they're both artists that would be amazing. Maybe the reader can be a famous anonymous art influencer? Its up to you! Again thank you so much for writing "sunflower dreams" 💜

i’m so happy i could make you smile ‧⁺◟( ᵒ̴̶̷̥́ ·̫ ᵒ̴̶̷̣̥̀ ) it’s messages like these that absolutely make my day! thank you so much for taking your time to even read it, i’m glad to know it touched your heart ♡ i hope you have a good rest of your day—please know all of a3! love you vvv much!!! ｀･ω･)9 i hope this makes your heart happy just like before! thank you, anon, for everything

summary: every time you fell in love, you made a new art piece

author’s note: please smile from this absolutely soft and endearing kazunari fluff! in times like these where negativity is all around us, it’s good to take a break and purposely give yourself happiness. i hope this is a light in your day and makes you experience all the goodness of love! ♡ — concept based on “to all the boys i’ve loved before”

word count: 3,389

music: i like me better – lauv

to everyone i’ve loved before.

🌻🎨 miyoshi kazunari

you created art every time you had a crush so intense, you didn’t know what else to do

no matter how big or small it was, or how long or short it lasted, love is love. even if it was a random stranger you’d never see again or someone you knew for a lifetime, love is love

therefore, there was no exact total. because even if you didn’t remember every single person you’ve made art for, you clearly remembered what it was like experiencing the euphoria of love. the phenomenon of your heart selflessly beating for someone else. the attack of getting hit by cupid’s arrow out of no where. the rush of emotions unlike any other

love was everywhere and you made sure to create something that was a memory of it. that was when you decided to practice art after being unable to recall a person’s face a moment too long

it was your form of a love letter. a picture spoke a thousand words you couldn’t write, and art was the perfect way to convey that. online for everyone to see were your love letters in art form: portraits of everyone you’ve loved

you fell in love again and again, a new art piece posted soon over the years of your life. under the username, to-everyone-ive-loved, a lifelong project was in the works for all of social media to see

unknown to the rest of the world, you were the artist behind the blog “to-everyone-ive-loved” who created portraits from memory

but, you didn’t mean to fall in love with another artist as well

all it took was one comment and you were theirs

it was one of your most recent posts, a finished piece on a stranger you saw. you found yourself in veludo way, the ideal street to find people you’d never forget. after witnessing a sudden street act, only one actor caught your eye that day

you didn’t know his name, but you didn’t need to. you were in love

you immediately rushed home without a second thought, the inspiration and creativity infectious after watching him perform. something about his energy was wildly entertaining and bizarre, like a modern pop song as a person. he was effortlessly trendy, popular, and charismatic just from the few minutes you saw him

the moment he stood up on that street corner like it was a stage, all eyes were on him and he knew it. as you sketched into the day, you remembered the small details clearly. dirty blonde hair with no dark roots in sight, glittering green eyes, wide welcoming smile. he had the face of an actor, that’s for sure

when you posted it right after finishing, you didn’t expect any major attention. on average, your posts got 100 likes or so. while it was an impressive feat, nothing could’ve prepared you for that one comment

kaz-PIKO: i’m in love with your art ♡

as your popularity and fame grew before your very eyes, you clicked on his profile and realized it was him. the actor you had seen earlier at veludo way

you didn’t know what happened, but all you knew was you couldn’t forget this one person, miyoshi kazunari, no matter how hard you tried

no matter where you went, you couldn’t draw anyone else except that boy named kazunari. after scrolling through his entire instablam account, you found out he was an actor for mankai company’s summer troupe. he was a star in his own right, with a stage presence like the spotlight was constantly on him and a heart of gold

this was the first time you ever got so caught up on someone that they didn’t leave your mind. hours became days, and days began becoming a week before you let yourself follow him back

everyone you had ever drawn had never recognized themselves before. it was all because a follower connected the visual similarities between your art and kazunari’s unique traits that kazunari knew you had seen him before

if only he wasn’t a social media influencer with followers reaching the hundreds of thousands. at least, his popularity attracted attention to your profile...

this was a problem, however. because if you couldn’t draw anyone else, what could you do? once again, you stalked kazunari’s blog once again like it was a habit

it was never really a rule to make one love letter per person, but you never had wanted to make another for the same person. until, now

video after video. picture after picture. story after story. you could see kazunari’s face even when you closed your eyes. what about him made you daydream about him constantly? was it his charming voice that could make anyone stop and stare? his intricate piercings that were different every day? his ability to make you feel at home? whatever it was (or maybe it was an accumulation of everything and more), you had to draw kazunari again

when you posted it, you typically didn’t add more to the caption than the date and time. except this time, you felt like all your rules were being broken over someone who had no idea who you were

to-everyone-ive-loved-before: XX/XX/20 (3:33 A.M.) — social butterfly

you watched it upload. it was a piece you had never done before. glowing butterflies of all colors surrounded the center of the masterpiece, a smiling kazunari

hopefully, this would solve whatever feelings you were having and the world would go back to normal. you’d move on, fall in love with someone else, and repeat

it didn’t work, because some time later, you woke up to a comment that made you feel the butterflies in your stomach

kaz-PIKO: like a butterfly, i’ll fly to you, wherever you are~ ☆

and for some reason, you wanted kazunari to find you

you had never felt so motivated to draw before. however, your muse was the same. a beautiful boy named miyoshi kazunari who was slowly capturing your heart without even knowing it. you watched the pages in your sketchbook lessen and lessen. the corners of assignments and napkins and anything in between was covered in doodles. if there was a writing instrument in your hand, something related to kazunari would come out of it

it was a fascination. a fixiation, even. you had only seen one performance before falling in love. was it because kazunari responded that it made you feel like you had a chance?

you wouldn’t admit it, but it was becoming embarrassing with how much you were staring at the few unread messages from kazunari in your dm box. they came in right after you had followed him back, and more arrived when you posted the “social butterfly” piece

what was stopping you from talking to your muse? you knew the answer without thinking: what if these feelings were real?

obsessions and crushes come and go, but... love, love stayed. there wasn’t any possibility you could love someone from afar without knowing anything about them, right?

but, then again... you did know some things about kazunari. you knew kazunari was the best actor of all time, with expressions and gestures the equivalent of art. kazunari was art—in every single way possible. everything about him made you want to draw and draw and draw

you only drew kazunari for a certain time, no matter which stranger crossed your path. people you knew you would’ve sketched simply became passer-bys, and it was all because of kazunari’s sunny smile that you were in love. or, what you thought was love

the more you thought about kazunari’s unread dms, the more you wondered what this was. why did kazunari make you so happy? was this truly the first time you were experiencing... a crush?!

for the first time since that street act, you found yourself in veludo way. while half of you was hoping you’d randomly bump into summer troupe’s moodmaker, the other half was petrified about how kazunari was a real person. a very much popular, recognizable person

it was the weekend, and the burden of university projects was telling you to go back and focus. yet, with a sketchbook in one hand and a pencil tucked behind your ear, you were very much prepared to draw to your heart’s content

as you tried to flip to a clean page, you heard something that made your heart flutter. despite the noise and busy atmosphere of veludo, a distinct laugh was audible above the crowd. when you looked up, your eyes barely registered a deep blue jacket before walking straight into the person

you nearly tumbled to the ground before two hands steadied you, a surprised “whoa!” leaving their mouth before being followed by a gentle laugh. the usual embarrassment didn’t set in until you went to go thank the person, only to stop

oh my god. you had just bumped into miyoshi kazunari, your muse for the past month or so

kazunari grinned, even though it faltered slightly at your wide-eyed expression and awkward silence. he didn’t seem to mind as he adjusted his black top hat, pocketing his phone and confidently meeting your gaze

“i’m so sorry~! i hope you’re okay, i’m kazunari!” kazunari introduced and you realized he didn’t know you were behind to-everyone-ive-loved-before. you quickly adjusted yourself, pretending as if this wasn’t the highlight of your entire week

when you introduced yourself, kazunari’s eyes sparkled with interest as he easily led you into conversation. despite being a bit of a socially awkward artist who preferred being alone over anything else, kazunari was... comfortable. you didn’t feel self-conscious of how you acted, because he readily accepted how you were with a smile

was he like this was everyone or... did he find you to be a work of art, too?

standing off to the side, you finally noticed several members of mankai were advertising their latest play. bright, aesthetically pleasing flyers were being handed out to everyone walking by, and you seemed to look a moment too long before kazunari followed your gaze and suddenly snapped his fingers

“oh! are you interested in theatre?” you really weren’t, but you nodded anyways just to see kazunari’s excitement. he pardoned himself for a moment just to snatch a flyer, returning to show it off with a proud smile

“please come to mankai company’s summer performance!” kazunari’s smile sparkled and before he looked around to see if anyone was watching, he winked. kazunari covered the side of his face that was facing his troupe members, pretending as if you two were sharing some big secret

“plus, i’ll be there. if you come, i’ll make sure to do my very best~” kazunari bargained, even though you already knew he was already planning on wowing the audience with his charisma. you took in his genuine want to impress you and the butterflies came back

“i’ll come.” you agreed without even checking the date or reading anything. now all of you just wanted more & more opportunities as the person kazunari was surprisingly interested in, not as the artist who was basically in love with him

agreeing right away was worth it when kazunari shot you a grateful, blinding smile in return. you stumbled over your words with how taken back you were, but asked anyways, “do you like flowers?”

kazunari’s eyes softened for a moment, his usual energy suddenly gone before returning. he seemed genuinely moved by your question, and you wondered how many flowers it’d take to see him smile again like that

“i do, especially if they’re from you.”

“what kind?”

someone called kazunari’s name, insisting they were going to be late for practice. kazunari shouted back an agreement by telling them to go ahead first, before putting all his attention on you once again

“hibiscus.” meaning delicate beauty

before kazunari could ask for your socials, with his hand already reaching for his phone, you cut him off, hoping your voice wasn’t off

“next week. 7 P.M., mankai theatre. i’ll be there, front row.” you promised and took off, rushing off with a wave as kazunari stared after you for a second before waving back enthusiastically

as you left, kazunari was about to leave before he noticed something on the ground. it was a plain sketchbook, unassuming at first but it was nearly bursting at the binding with how many pages there were

when kazunari picked it up, he was about to flip to the first page before mankai called his name again, impatient this time. kazunari held onto the book and sent one last glance towards your direction before disappearing, hurrying to make sure the director wouldn’t penalize him for being the reason everyone was late

when you arrived home, you instinctually reached for the pencil behind your ear. at the same time, you put your hand in your bag, attempting to feel the familiar edges of your sketchbook

then, after turning your bag inside out and finding nothing, you collapsed onto your desk chair with shock and disbelief

you lost your sketchbook in veludo way the moment you met kazunari. what if he had it?

you drew another piece and stared at your screen, wondering if you should post it. it was kazunari once again with a yellow hibiscus flower behind his ear, the same gentle smile you couldn’t perfectly capture gracing his lips

you typed the caption and backspaced before settling on something that only you and him would know

to-everyone-ive-loved-before: XX/XX/20 (8:01 P.M.) — delicate beauty

you hesitated before deleting the post a second after. maybe, you’d keep some artwork to yourself

kazunari had the sketchbook open next to his bedside, his phone in his hands and your profile open. he could recognize your art style a mile away, and the moment he saw the first sketch after practice, he couldn’t believe it

did this explain why he felt such a natural attraction to you? when you bumped into him, kazunari swore he could see the sparks flying. you made him feel like he was falling in love and you only proved him right when you two talked earlier. he wanted to know everything about you, he wanted to see you again

was this what love at first sight felt like? kazunari giddily typed a message over and over again, the unread messages of his filling his screen

kaz-PIKO: heya!! ★>d(,,･ε´-,,)⌒☆ just wanted to say i LOVE your art fr!!! we should totes collab, you know???

kaz-PIKO: thanks for drawing me btw :0 does this mean you live near veludo? let’s meet up!!!

kaz-PIKO: ,,, i don’t usually say this but, that social butterfly piece was breathtaking. you must really like me, huh? (･ω<)☆ jk haha

kaz-PIKO: no but really, it’s beautiful. thank you, honestly. it made my day, you make me happy ♡

kaz-PIKO: you must be really beautiful, too. i would want to draw you as well. lmk if ur up for that haha

kazunari read back his previous messages, all of them delivered but unopened. he realized how... how open he already was with the anonymous faceless artist, despite never interacting with them

now that he knew what you looked like, it only reassured his intuition that he was rightfully head over heels for you

kazunari typed something before deleting it, closing out of instablam and throwing his phone somewhere on his bed

kaz-PIKO: i was right, you are beautiful. i may have fallen in love, too

some things were better left unsaid. after all, you two had until next week to figure everything out

for the rest of the week, all you and kazunari did were think about the other person. a small part of you was afraid kazunari wasn’t the dream boy you imagined, but he was much more. you noticed he started posting more often and turned his notifications, wanting to be one of the first to see his practice videos and university selfies

you didn’t post any of the art you made of kazunari, making it the longest you hadn’t posted ever. kazunari couldn’t help but refresh your account every now and then, hoping he’d see his face again, as selfish as it was. kazunari wouldn’t know how’d he feel if he saw someone else had your heart

the longer time went on, the more you were certain. every fascination you had with someone was temporary, and you remembered the feeling rather than the person. but, with kazunari, you liked him for who he was. everything kazunari made you feel was new and exciting, but even when that went away, you still liked him

kazunari was your first crush, for real

kazunari liked making people like him. so, your online confession through art wasn’t exactly a surprise. but, yours was different. it was earnest, honest, and everything he didn’t know he was needing

kazunari looked through your sketchbook again and again, tracing over the notes you wrote in the margins and admiring your skill

kazunari liked you, and he was certain he would’ve still liked you even if you weren’t to-everyone-ive-loved-before

when showtime arrived, kazunari was oddly nervous. peeking from behind the red curtain, kazunari could already see you were one of the first sitting front row, just like you said. he had practiced his lines a thousand times and summer was fully prepared, why was he nervous?

before he went on, kazunari ignored the urgency of the mankai staff and quickly texted a message to your profile, hoping you’d at least see the notification this time

kaz-PIKO: i like you, too

(when you felt your phone buzz, you quickly silenced it)

the show moved you to a standing ovation, just like everyone else in the audience. as summer walked out to bow and express their gratitude, you watched kazunari’s eyes search for yours as he tilted his head towards backstage. you nodded, knowing you’d do anything to see this kazunari. actor kazunari, who was on cloud 9 with his performance and glowing from praise

you wanted to see, to experience, to draw, all versions of kazunari

after the applause, you looked around backstage before feeling a hand on your arm, the feeling reminiscent of the first time you bumped into kazunari

“you came.” kazunari breathlessly stated, as if he was surprised. before he could say anything else, you presented him with a bouquet of hibiscus flowers. the same shade of yellow you drew him with

“of course, i wanted to see you again.” you honestly admitted, knowing it made you flustered. kazunari carefully took the flowers before grinning, gently placing then beneath his chin. he looked like a vision, you wish you could’ve asked him to stand still so you could capture this moment forever

“i wanted to see you, too.” kazunari softly said, all the energy of being on stage gone. it was tranquil and peaceful, like you two were the only people in the entire theatre

kazunari took a moment to admire you before realizing something, taking something from behind him and presenting it to you. it was your sketchbook on the bottom, but a smaller version was on top of it, signed in silver sharpie. kazunari’s signature was glittering like his eyes as you took it

“next time, let’s draw together.”

kazunari’s sketchbook was filled with you. anything from small doodles to encouraging messages was found inside, with tens of post-it notes of just thoughts about you. kazunari’s art was colorful and extremely out of the box compared to his usual traditional style. it made you smile

kazunari watched you flip through it, already knowing this was the greatest act of love he could’ve declared this early on. he anticipated for you to reach the end

when you landed on the last page, you saw a note

do you want go on a date with me?

“next time, respond to my dms! that way i don’t have to write everything~!” kazunari teased and you two shared a laugh, knowing everything was going to be okay

“yes.”

“yes...?”

“yes, i’ll respond to your dms. and yes, i’ll go on a date with you.”

eventually, you ended up closing your blog for good. your last post was a picture of you and kazunari, with one caption

to-everyone-ive-loved-before: XX/XX/20 (3:33 P.M.) — to the one boy i love now, i love you

kaz-PIKO: i love you, too ♡

[crybabybomin]

The new girl - Choi Bomin

Pairing: reader x Bomin

Words: 2.143

Warnings: none

Masterlist

You are a dancer. You love to dance and you always practice after school. You just moved to Seoul so you are transferring to a new school and class today. You probably won’t make that many friends since you are always busy with home work and dancing. It's not that you don’t want to its just that dance is more important to you. And you best friends are dancers too. You aren’t famous like a Kpop group or something but you are quite popular since you’ve been on certain shows and some of your dances went viral.

You moved to Seoul because you were asked by this famous choreographer(Jay Kim) if you wanted to train with him, so of course you said yes. You moved alone because your parents still had their jobs back home, but they were very supportive of your dreams as long as you also focus on school.

Your alarm went off for the third time and now you really have to get up or else you will be late. You go out of bed and take a shower to wake yourself up. You are really not a morning person. So you get dressed and eat some breakfast. You put on your shoes and some music and you walk to school. Its a big school compared with your old school but it seems fun. Some students looked at you because they might know you or since you are a new student.

You ask a student were they register is. So she walk you there and you ask the lady for your class number and class room. So after that you walk to your class room and since class already started everybody looks at you. The teacher looks at you and says “and why are you late?” You look at her and don’t know what to say but then the class president stand up and says “miss, she is the new student.” He smiles at you nicely and you bow your head a little to say thank you. The teacher looks at you again and says “oh I'm sorry, can you introduce yourself?” You look at the class and say “Hi, my name is Y/N and im a dancer. I just moved to Seoul alone so it’s kind of new for me. And I hope we could be friends.”

They started whispering because now they were certain that you were the girl they have seen on tv and in those dances. So a random girl stands up and asks “are you that girl from those dances on instagram?” You laugh and say “yeah that’s me.” Everyone looks kind of shocked and now the teacher starts saying something again “come on guys, we already have two idols in our class. No need to be this shocked.” And everyone looks either at the boy in the back of the class or the pink haired boy in the middle. They smile at me and I smile back.

“Y/N, you can sit next to Bomin.” The teacher says and points at the boy at the back of the class. You walk to the empty spot besides him and sit down. “Hi, im Bomin nice to meet you.” He says and looks at you. “Nice to meet you too, at what page are we?” “page 25, also if you want me to show you around the school I can do that in the break time.” “thanks and sure why not” you reply and he looks back at the teacher and you both focus on the class.

Then break starts so he waits for you and you both walk trough the school. Most people smile at you but 2 or 3 girls give you a jealous look and you ask bomin “Those girls must love you or something because now they hate me” and you chuckle. Hate doesn’t get you anymore since people are going to be jealous anyways. “ahh yeah they do that to anyone who I talk to really even  just my friends, I don’t know why. I’m sorry for that” he says. “It’s not your fault so don’t apologise for something you don’t have any say in. They are the ones who should apologise to you.” He looks at you with a smile. You think he looks very handsome but everyone can see that but from up close he is even more handsome. But you aren’t here to fall in love so you focus on something else. “I think we can become good friends Y/N” he says and that does make you feel happy because you don’t make friends that fast. “Yeah I think so too Bomin.”

A couple of weeks later

You and bomin became good friends and you also became friends with this other boy Sanha. It’s easy being friends with them, because you know its not fake. You’ve had friends that only wanted being friends with you because you have followers. But they are famous themselves so it’s not that they gain anything from this.

Now you guys are in PE class and the new assignment is a dance. So everyone looks like they want to team up with you but then the teacher says “No it’s a duo dance so the tango or you can create your own dance. So go stand into two lines with one for boys and girls each” you look next to you and you see that you are standing next to sanha and he looks at you and then at bomin behind him. Then he says to the teacher “sir I can’t do this assignment since I have an ankle injury and I need to rest.” The teacher looks at him and says “Thats okay just go sit on the bench.” So he walk away and the teacher motions to bomin and the boys behind him to go a place forward. So now you are paired with Bomin.

You guys sit next to each other and discuss which dance you would like to do. “I know this couple dance my trainer did so we could do that one. We could also ask for his help since he made the choreo” You show him the video of the dance to say you won’t let go and he agrees to do it. So you start little but decide to hang out that afternoon at your dance studio. So he texts to his members that he will be home later.

That afternoon you learn the full choreo from your trainer and you both go home. But he calls you so you answer. “hey we only have a week to learn this dance and the teacher expects the most of us so do you wanna practice like tomorrow or something.” He asks, you think about it and agree that you need more practice. “yeah we need to practice more but tomorrow I can’t I have this workshop but after that day I’m free.” You say and you hear him hum and he says “yeah me too but where are we going to practice?” “uhh our studio is full at that moment so it can’t be here, can we do it at your company. Only if the manager agrees of course.” You say “wait he’s here right now so I can ask him.” And he puts you on hold and you hear faintly talking and then he picks up again “hey im back and the manager is okay with it. But I warn you in advance there might be members of mine walking around or looking at us.” “I can deal with that haha” you say and you both laugh. Then he needs to go and you both hang up.

The next day goes by quickly and now you are standing in front of Woollim entertainment. You’ve never been inside a company like this. You text Bomin that you are there because he said he needed to pick you up since at the register the might think she is a fan. So you walk in and just wait. Then you see him and walk up to him. “Have you been waiting long?” You shake you head and say no. “i have to warn you even more about my members. I told them you were coming and now all of them wanna watch.” You laugh and say “That’s funny, but it’s okay im used to audiences anyway. And they could give feedback you know.” So you two walk to the practice room and you see 9 boys sitting there. When the door opens they all immediately look at you and you bow to them “hi, im y/n. Nice to meet you.” Then one of them stands up and says “yah bomin you didn’t tell us it was y/n that was coming. Im Jangjun by the way and I’ve seen a lot of your videos.” You laugh and every one starts introducing themselves.

After that bomin says “are you going to stay while we dance or are you going to leave.”

A member said that they just want to see it one time. And the others agree. So you two do the routine and its kind of romantic so when you are done too members are screaming and whistling. Bomin gets red and you think its so cute and you smile at him. You keep denying you have a crush on him but this assignment isn’t helping with reducing it. So the members leave and you and bomin start practicing and after an hour you take a break.

“you wanna get some ice cream?” He asks you and you nod. So you leave the building and get some ice cream. You start walking around Seoul and he randomly grabs your hand. You look at him but he keeps staring forward. Sanha would tell you sometimes that Bomin likes you but you kept saying that we was lying. You start blushing and look straight ahead but then bomin looks at you. You feel his eyes burning on your face. Then he stops walking and stand in front of you and puts his face right in front of yours. “Do I make you blush?” He says with a smile. And you look down at your shoes. “you're so cute y/n.” And he starts walking again. Then you get yourself together and you think about what just happened. Maybe he does like you. So you decide to tease him. “yah bomin, you must have a crush right, I’ve heard from sanha that you do.” You say and his eyes widen “what did he tell you? That bish.” He says and you chuckle “well he only told me that you had a crush. So what is he like do I know her?” “Yeah you know her and she is cute and nice, she always sees the bright side of something.” He says and now you start blushing “Well why don’t you say that to her. She would be so lucky to have you as a boyfriend, you are handsome and nice.” You say and he looks at you very seriously. You both sit down on a bench. “but what if she doesn’t like me Y/N. That will be so awkward and I still want to be friends with her.” He says and you find it so cute. “Bomin just do it, what if she does like you but is scared you don’t and she loses feelings? Then you missed your shot.”

“Okay, so Y/N I like you as more than friends and I don’t know if you like me back so I hope I havent ruined our friendship wi-“ he keeps talking but then you kiss his cheek and he stops and looks at you. You just look at him and say “so Sanha was right all along.” He looks confused and you say “he told me you liked me but I didn't believe him.” “so you like me too?” He asks and you just realised what actually happened and start blushing. You look down and say yes. “Okay good so it’s not weird when I do this.” He says and grabs your chin and kisses you. When you pull away for air just look at him with a smile. “Do you wanna be my girlfriend?” And you nod and he hugs you really hard. “hey bomin I would like to breath.” And laugh. He puts you down and looks at you “I can’t believe I'm not dreaming this.” He grabs your hand and you walk back to the company.

The PE assignment goes really well and you get a high grade. And you both thank Sanha for playing match maker. And his members keep teasing him, but they are happy for you.

[maknaesdancersrappers]

july 21

hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.

july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.

im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.

during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.

if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)

i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february

she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)

after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21

my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.

lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.

cancer of the liver. 

they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.

feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.

feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.

feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.

3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left. 

for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever. 

it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.

i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”

if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:

thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

[blazingpheonixo]

okay, so were getting personal here,

This March will be coming up to my Dad's 3 year deathaversary. It wasnt expected, he was only 38. He drowned, and his death is acually still under investigation. That's probably the first close death i had. Anyway, it caused a lot of problems in my family. Including my mum moving her and my sister an hour and a half away from me. That and i dont hear from dads side of the family anymore. so thats super shit. When this happened i Also lost my best friend at the time Georgia. She went off at my boyfriend Kenedy because he didnt want to come to the funeral and caused some issues. anyways I forgot to mention when he died i was in rockhampton. which was even more shit. but anyway, when i came back. I didnt hear from my best friend at all, i went to the funeral. still hadnt heard from her. She full went off at my partner cause he didnt wanna come to the funeral but yeah a week had past since coming back and she knew i was back. Sent her a message and said hey whats going on, you went off at him made a big deal but i havent heard from you. and pretty much she responded with telling me that i was a shit friend and It was mean to message her like that and then she blocked me on everything. So yeah I lost my father and my best friend in the same week. I still dont know wtf happened which just comes up in my brain a lot.

And then theres my ex, Kenedy. I think i said already that we were together for nearly 6 years. We broke up over a stupid photo at the end of July so its been 4 months. For starters we were engaged and we were about to start trying for a kid. But it was such a toxic and unhealthy relationship dude. Like fuck.. We used to get into fights and ill just be straight up, it got physical. Id end up covered in bruised and cuts and it was pretty bad tbh. Holes in walls. Broken bits. I never ended up in hospital because of it but like it was still pretty bad. This probably only happened the last two years of the relationship. I grew up watching my mum be abused, i know that it isn't the norm and what ever but i guess i was kind of use to it in a way? so i think thats why i put up with it? idk. That or my mental issues lol. But yeah so, I'm still kind of getting past that bit, I have photos that come up in my memories which trigger me and sometimes I get panic attacks randomly. Its shit. It wasn's always physical.

Then we come to my ex best friend, Rhianne. I literally grew up with her, but we never used to be friends, we just went all through school together. She also used to be my bully in kinder and prep LOL.

Anyway, we started being friends when i first moved into this place so maybe a year and a half? shes toxic to haha. We had a good friendship at the start but the more i hung out with her the more i began to feel like shit about myself. I don't have friends. She was pretty much all i had. So i kind of let a lot of stuff slide and i never really stood up for myself. and i mean a lot of things i let slide. She got really obsessive towards me. I honestly think she is infatuated with me. She would rock up here pretty much daily and use me for my stuff and makeup and clothes and then wed go for drives and stuff. idk we used to do everything together. Not because i wanted to either. Pretty much what she said was the go. She would talk down to me as if i was a child. Im the kind of person as well that i like my alone time, i dont like going out all the time i like to sit in and enjoy my own company, I dont like hanging out EVERYDAY with someone. She use to talk shit about me behind my back as well. just cause so much drama and eh. But she was so fkn obsessive. Then when kenedy and i broke up, her friend was having there birthday at the clubhouse, so thats house i was introduced to the club. She took me a long and told me to take someone home to help myself feel better about the breakup. SO anyway, Shaun was there and we were getting to know each other.

She caused a big scene and didnt want me to take him home. I think it was jealousy. Got to the point were she had me in tears.

I then for some weird reason logged into my exes account, I found messages telling people how much he hates me and wants me to kill myself and wants to fuck Rhianne. Then i showed her all of this. She was grossed out and deleted him. We then had a small fight because i stood up for myself one night. Why we wernt talking she went out clubbing and Kenedy was out. So she party'd with my ex as well as invited him and had him come back to her dads place. Nothing happened to my knowledge but I mean, Im sure they fucked.

Anyway, (I have depression and anxiety. When kenedy and i broke up, i didnt handle it well, I started self harming and it was getting pretty bad) I took shaun home from the clubhouse that night and pretty much his been here ever since, so 3 months we've been together now. I’m not sure if I love him or not. I don’t know because my brain is scattered at the moment. Because of everything hoing on. His a lovely guy, but his not for me. But the way my brain works and how im coping with all these things, i just can't be alone dude. I literally get so depressed and its scary because i don't want to give myself the chance because when im alone like i am tonight. All of this just goes through my brain and i get so fucked up, i don't even know if you wanna hear about self harm and abuse. but it happens. TBH im probably going to end up hurting myself tonight. I wasnt joking to you when i said i wanted to drive my car into a truck. i literally feel like that.

So what actually made Rhianne and i stop being friends. Her, Shaun and myself were drinking at her friends. Shaun has epilepsy and actually had a seizure in front of me the previous day, Rhianne got into him and told him it was his fault and that i should never have had to of seen that. I didnt go off at her, HER friend kicked her out and told her sleep in her car. Since then she has tried to constantly break us up.

On top of that, im in a lot of debt. and it got to the point were i actually made a Onlyfans account and it actually helped. I feel gross about it but it was private no one i knew in real life had access. OR SO I THOUGHT. i used tumblr to get my subscribers, didnt realise my ex Kenedy had access. He sent screenshots to Rhianne and she sent them to pretty much everyone i know. Ive lost a few friends becuase of it. and well yeah it was degrading. She then apologised and i forgave her for like a whole 6 hours. Until i really thought about it. Just cause we were in a small argument i wouldnt do that to her you know or anyone. so i told her that. and shes been super nasty since.

She is also still talking with my ex.

So yeah, I also might have breast cancer 😣

These are most the reasons I want to die.

[shawnmend-yes]

Relapse (Bittersweet part 1)

You get to the party late and under strict instructions to protect Becky from drunk Josh, you’re apprehensive to say the least because you always seem to end up alone at these parties, wishing you could crawl into a hole and die but your hopeful that tonight could be different.

It’s not long before India leaves you to go and ‘chat’ to the guy she’s been talking to for the past few weeks, and you know you’re not going to see her for the rest of the night. Luckily for you, becky spots you and drags you over to talk to the people you haven’t seen in years, not since you moved schools.

Everyone’s already kinda drunk so you feel slightly more relaxed knowing that most of them are incapable of overthinking how awkward your about to be, “Alright?” you murmur fiddling with the cuffs of your sleeve.

They barely have time to respond before you hear a shout from across field “BAILEY? Is that you?” you can barely contain your laughter as you watch ellie, who is hosting the party, attempt to run towards you with a giant cast over her leg, deciding to be a good person you jog over to meet her half way crashing into a hug that results in you holding her up.

You spend a couple of minutes catching up with her before you spot Becky sat on the floor with josh, who appears to be trying to make out with her knee while she tries to push his head off. You exchange glances with ellie before heading over to the pair on the floor calling out, “Beccs, come on a walk?”

You wait for her to push herself up and begin walking as she loops her arm through your, “What the hell was that?” you ask incredulously.

“I told you, he’s weird when he’s drunk” she titters pulling you sideways, “oh…Shawn!” she calls causing him to look up and wave from the group of people he was with. “Let’s go say hi!”

You didn’t have to walk far because it turns out shawn had the exact same idea, crossing the garden to talk to the two of you. You stand awkwardly to the side as they hug and exchange quick small talk, eyes flitting over him and taking in his new appearance, he looks so different from the 3 years ago when you saw him practically everyday, because that’s what best friends do right?

You check for the same cheeky grin and scruffy hair, but this time its accompanied by arm muscles that definitely weren’t there before. “And you… i havent seen you in ages!” he says, pulling your eyes back to his as you go in for a handshake, but he startles you wrapping his arms around you and squeezing. Your eyes pop and you catch sight of Becky out of the corner of your eye trying to stuff her fist in her mouth to prevent herself from laughing.

“Long time no see” you wheeze out as he steps back and you draw in a deep breath rubbing the edge of your ribcage casually.

Other people come and join the three of you and you decide that socializing is far too draining to do standing up so you sit down on the floor, the others following suit quickly. General conversations flit around between people and you’re happy just sat observing when Alfie reaches the group. “Becky, i need to tell you something”

She brushes her legs of standing and nudges you with her toe, “Back in a sec, bails”. You just nod at her and watch her walk away with him. A few moments shawn slides closer to you, taking it upon himself to involve you in the conversation and soon the whole group is chatting about one thing.

People come and go, as the sky darkens and Becky still hasn’t come back from her ‘deep meaningful conversation’ with Alfie, but your not worried because your with Shawn. It’s so easy to settle back into old patterns with him, playing and joking around as if it hasn’t been 2 years since you had drifted apart.

Soon the only thing illuminating the sky is the large bonfire at the end of the garden, and your tempted to go and sit beside it due to the cold. The drinks keep flowing and soon they start to get the better of people honesty coming in ways you didn’t expect.

“I wish we could go back to year 8” Shawn blurts, turning to face you, drawing the group’s attention, you nod along thinking that its just a general statement before he continues. “Not all these people…no offense” he mutters gesturing to the rest of the group. “Just us.”

“You’re drunk shawn” you laugh awkwardly at him, not entirely sure where this swift turn is headed.

“I mean it, i don’t know what i would have done without you, i wish we could be like that again” he says and your lips part as you rack your brain for a suitable response. “I know you think im only saying this cause im drunk but im not. I promise, in fact im more honest when im drunk”

The boy next to him, who happens to be one of his best friends decided to pipe up, “S’true, he’s told me this stuff before. He genuinely means it.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this now” you mutter patting his arm, “Maybe not when your drunk.”

“No” he insists, “Just listen, i miss talking to you so much, i remember i used to sit outside my room charging my phone so that i could talk to you all night” and you remember doing things like that too, pressing your back against the wall and texting him as quickly as your thumbs would allow and it was almost as if he was what was supporting you, not the wall. “I dont know who i would be without you, you gave me confidence and your the first person i’ve ever connected with, i wouldn’t be the person who i am today without you.”

You go to interrupt him but he just talks louder over you, words spilling from his mouth, tumbling over and over each other, but you know your never going to forget them, or the way they make you feel.

“You’re the person who made me think about anything, talking to you made me think deeper, especially about love. I wish i had tried harder to stop us drifting apart and if all the other boys would just shut up and give you chance they would realise what a cool girl you are.”

You’re gobsmacked that he’s rambling and all you really want to do is hug him, so you squeeze his arm gently and whisper “I miss you too. So so much.”

You can see becky walking towards you and expect that your time with Shawn will be over shortly, and he will forget about this in the morning, especially as Becky is in the spot of Shawn’s life that you were two years ago.

“I love it when you randomly message me about stupid things like problems because i know you trust me. I trust you too, more than anyone ive ever met.” At this point Becky is stood almost directly in front of you but shawn doesn’t seem to notice. “I miss talking to you all the time, you are and always will be the closest friend ive ever had. No one comes close.” You catch Becky’s eye and you know she heard him, a part of you feels terrible but the larger part of you is so overwhelmed by the thought of getting your best friend back that you dont realise the entire group of people you are with are glancing between you , Becky and Shawn.

You half expect Becky to throw something but she doesnt, instead she forces herself into the space between you telling you to “budge over” so she can sit with her two best friends. Your awkwardly shuffling over as far as you can without climbing into the guy next doors lap when shawn speaks again, sounding somewhat confused. “But im talking to Bailey?”

Your jaw practically drops off with shock and you shrug at her when she turns to glare at you, “Your drunk” she states, plopping herself down.

You barely notice when Shawn and his friend leave the group, your mind still reeling as you try to process all your emotions, it’s as if every feeling you have ever felt for him is rushing back to you, you cant help but wonder if it is possible to rekindle the friendship and you resolve to text him tomorrow.

One by one people head off to dance or mingle but you and bella stay put as she fills you in one the details of her chat with Alfie, recounting it sentence by sentence while you produce generic responses, hoping Shawn is coming back because you didn’t get to tell him how you felt, you didn’t want him to think it was all one sided, because it definitely wasn’t. All you wanted when you moved was to talk to him. To message him and be his best friend again. You would have given absolutely anything because he was home to you, everything you had ever wanted or needed, but he wasn’t yours anymore, he was Becky’s.

It’s not long before yet another boy comes and pulls becky off to ‘talk’ to her, and you shake your head, it was always like this at parties, she thought that they were just friends, but as soon as they get drunk there are misplaced kisses flying everywhere that Becky tries so hard to avoid. You wander around looking for India because you don’t feel like sitting alone in the dark.

“Bailey? That you?” You turn your head to the group of boys sat near the fire and quickly spot the one who called you over.

“Jacob?” you ask, squinting in the darkness, before he reaches for you, pulling you into a hug and spinning you round. You laugh breathlessly and start singing your signature song “You spin me right round… baby right round…”

The two of you had become friends during food tech class and formed a fast bond, you stopped him burning his cakes and he helped you out with DT projects. He had always been a cuddly person so you weren’t surprised when her slung his arm over your shoulder and rested his head on top of yours.

The two of you danced together abit before plopping on the floor chatting about all the things you had missed,you spotted shawn sat directly across from you and smiled quickly as he involved himself in the conversation easily. You decided that you would just wait with these guys until Becky was done and ready to leave, or until India came back to the world of the singletons.

Eventually it was just you and shawn again, but you weren’t sure how it had even happened, one moment you were talking to him and the next everyone else was gone. You nibbled on your lip debating whether or not now was a good time to talk about all the things he said earlier when he interrupted you.

Sit with me” he mumbles patting the space next to him, eyes bright as he searches blindly for yours in the darkness.

You laugh at him, head tilting upwards to catch his eye, because even sitting down he was so much taller than you. “I am sitting with you shawn.”

“No,” He mutters, brows furrowing in confusion as he looks at the spot next to him, “right here. Sit here. Closer to me.”

A blush creeps over your cheeks and you’re finally glad that it’s almost pitch black outside, you reach your hand out and brush over the grass in front of you. “Its prickly.” you giggle at him, feeling slightly drunk even though you hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol.

He swipes a large hand across the floor next to him. “S’not, it soft, softer than where you’re sat now.” You shake your head at him in amusement, “Bailey, sit here.” He pleads grabbing your hand in attempt to make you listen to him.

You glance down at his hand, wrapped around yours before relenting, “Fine.” you whisper scooting over to him, taking in his flushed cheeks and sparkling eyes, you settle yourself comfortably on the grass, “Alright?”

“Better” he sighs, shifting slightly so your knee is resting on his thigh, “I miss this” he mumbles, struggling with to keep his words clear with the amount of alcohol coursing through his veins, the truth is you’ve never been drunk telling people it was because you like to remember what happens in your life, tonight is the first time you’ve meant it. Moments like these are the things dreams are made of. “Us being close,” he continues, “just like old times, like history” he continues, “Remember?”

“Of course i remember Shawn” you mumble, leaning into his side.

(Continued)

[discorclcallout-blog]

this is a callout for tumblr/twitter user @discorcl

tw for : ableism, racism, incest apologism, and manipulation

op note: i am not the person that zee is talking about. im his friend. please keep this in mind. 

please also keep in mind that my friend’s name thru-out this is “ Grass “

zee is white and uses she/they pronouns.

zee’s ableism:

[ image of a post that says: “ i love it when friends go into explicit detail into killing themselves repeated times in a week and never actually attempt! 

i love it when friends talk about how depressed they are but don’t explain why! 

i love how i have to pretend it does not trigger me and keep my cool!! even though they fucking pussy out in the end” ]

zee straight up doesnt care about mentally ill friends and claims that they “pussy out” from committing suicide like. what a great friend.

[ image of two tweets. the first tweet is someone saying “oh my god i just remembered.. im in a bpd discord server from tumblr and its the most ugly toxic shit ever. ive had it muted for months” 

zee replies to this tweet with:  “ no offense but... what was expected “ ]

thats pretty blatant ableism, zee.

zee’s racism:

i dont have visual proof of her racism happening but as my friend (and the person zee keeps vaguing and namedropping after 5 months of the friendship dropping) vaguely recalls:

[ image of me and my friend discussing zee’s racism. my friend’s memory isnt the best at times, and so he can forget things half the time. here, my friend asks: “ my memory is bad whatd she do? What racist things “

i replied with ; “ she called u white multiple times “ ( which he has told me in the past that this is what she did )

he said ; “ OH yeah. shes gonna tell me im racefaking i know it but like i cant remember but i know she did “ ]

grass is a mixed individual, and calling mixed people white is racist.

i am not going to delve deeper as i do not have the evidence to further lay accusations on her for this.

[ image of zee tweeting : “homie ur 3 of the dam Gorillaz What Are YOu doing” ]

homie is AAVE, and she has been told multiple times by nonwhite people to stop using it, yet she continues to do so. 

HERE are more screenshots of grass telling me racist things zee did.

zee’s incest apologism: 

zee likes a 1990′s adult cartoon titled “Duckman” - she often draws art and encourages other individuals to watch it. she has often drawn self-insert art with him and themself.

[ image of a curiouscat anon asking

“i dont know you personally but why do you self insert with Duckman when he’s been established as a racist misogynistic asshole who fetishizes incest? “

zee replies with;

“ it’s for personal coping reasons. DM me on the site of your choice and ill elaborate. ( he’s also transphobic but yet i’m somehow not appalled by that either... i think its because his character develops against bigotry randomly but then regresses?)  ]

this is a synopsis of a duckman episode:

[ there is a link here for those who do not want to see the image. it has nsfw elements. ]

bernice is duckman’s sister. there is literal incest in the show, as well as transphobia as zee says. which somehow she is okay with transphobia? which makes her transmisogynistic.

zee’s manipulation:

before i go into the background with zee’s manipulation of grass, i would like to post that i had confronted zee earlier today about her name-dropping of grass.

[ image of zee’s tweet from yesterday (which has since been Deleted.) of her namedropping grass. 

“ like this post if you use miitomo but aren’t friends with grass please i need more people “ ]

this name-drop is what cause me, the op, to confront zee about her name-dropping of grass. i sent her an ask which stated: 

[ an ask stating: “ hey. you dont know me but you do know my friend, grass. he told me of the name dropping you did yesterday, and he’s tried to @ you multiple times for you to stop, yet you’ve ignored him. can you stop name dropping him. 

you havent spoken to him since last year. he stopped being friends with you for a reason and there is literally no reason for you to continuously vague and name-drop him when he doesnt do those things about you AT ALL unless its a response to your own damn vagues and/or namedrops. ]

zee responded back to me trying to manipulate me into hating grass. 

zee claimed that the vagues were about another tumblr user, yet :

[ image of two tweets. the first tweet asks if anyone still uses miitomo. zee replies with:

“ i used to but some1 i don’t like still uses it so -_- “ ]

grass and zee were friends on miitomo, which is where the namedrop came from. hence why grass knew the vague was about him. 

zee claimed that she namedropped grass because “ i wanted to go on miitomo without him hassling me like he did over an inside joke. “ 

the link above links to what zee considers "hassling” which is an image of grass saying “hey uh... zee.. you heard of jokes?”  the inside joke that zee is referring to one of grass’ friends who posted an ironic picture saying “ im normal, im white, christian straight etc etc “ and zee commented with “but ( x ) you arent even white! “ and grass and his friend was joking around with “thats the joke, zee.” 

okay, zee. 

1. he checks your twitter and blog because you keep vaguing and namedropping him. it is out of paranoia. he’s not stalking you. 

2. she says “i havent thought of him in a while” yet went up to multiple friends of grass’ and asked if he was still using miitomo cause “she didnt want to get yelled at” ( grass talks about it here )

3. zee did not cut him off scott free for grass acting as a victim. GRASS was the one who wanted to cut off zee because she made him uncomfortable and refused to acknowledge it. ( skype logs )

4. grass was not the one sending anonymous memes. the person doing so was his friend, who did it without grass’ knowledge (he found out a month later about it.) 

zee no one who gets name dropped would mind their own business, just saying.

the link that zee sent me was the link to the skype logs. as you can see from them, grass wanted to end the friendship because HE was uncomfortable by her. he did not abuse her by saying that he wanted to end the friendship.

at the end of the reply zee gave me was that she blocked me because i have her on my do not follow if you follow. i have her there because of these reasons. she makes grass uncomfortable, and continues to talk about him despite the uncomfortable friendship having ended LONG ago.

here are other bits from the skype chat logs.

[itsthisgirlfanfic]

Chapter 6 pt. 1

Tyler

“What’s the surprise?”, Stephanie asked as she followed behind me in the store. I led her to a the merchandise room, that holds all the clothes. I looked around for a second, then my eyes landed right on it, A box, not as big as the others, but much heavier. I picked it up then grinned at her. She met my eyes.

“What?”, returning the grin, clueless to why she’s even grinning.

I open the box, and there they were. Glossy, fresh, new Goblin albums, all wrapped in plastic ready to be selled. I was already fucking smiling. She looked in awe.

“Tyler, OMG!”, she yelled excited, quickly reaching to grab one. I moved the box away from her just as quick.

“Whyyyy?”, she said pouting and smiling at the same time.

“Were selling these shits at the store today.”, I said. Definitly hiding my own excitement. Matter of fact, I’m fucking stoked.

“Wait, your not having a party?!”, she asked giving me a look.

“What the fuck I need a party for?”, I asked.

“Tyler, this is YOUR fucking album, that people are gonna ACTUALLY buy, and see YOUR work…you need to reward yourself…have a album release party.”, she said finally.

“Uhhh, lemme think about it…Shit. This is crazy”, I said.

“Crazy shit”, I said still thinking.

She looked at me patiently waiting. Her green eyes looking…

“Umm, no.”, I said.

She looked down, shaking her head.

“Bummer….”, she said, as a small silence fell…she snatched a album, and ran out the room.

“Yooo!”, I said, putting the box down, and chasing after her. Kids in the store stopping what they were doing to cheer me on. Stephanie laughing behind the counter, with Lucas working the register. As I run behind it, she darts out the store outside. I follow her, catching up quick, picking her up from behind and putting her over my shoulder.

“Ok OK OK OK!”, she yelled laughing. I put her down. Her face flushed.

“Why don’t you want me to have your Cd so bad?”, she asked.

Because your gonna think I’m fucking physco, because I talk about killing and raping bitches, committing suicide, telling people to suck pimple covered dicks, and having 3 somes with pregnant bitches… of course I couldnt say that.

We stood there having a 5 second stare off.

“Maybe I want you to hear it at my…party.”

“Really?”, she said surprised.

“I dont know sounds Gnar”, I said honestly.

“Yessss!”, she said then breaks out doing this dance.

“Not if you gonna be dancing like that!”, I said laughing, playing with her then put my arms on her shoulders. Surprisingly she didnt even shake them off.

Stephanie

Today was the party, a week from when Tyler finally accepted one. He wanted just close friends, and it was at someones house. I was freakin excited. I went in my closet to find something to wear. Working at the store, Ive been getting awesome checks, I thought looking at all my newly bought clothes. Finally settling in on something cute, and chill:

No one’s gonna be wearing a wack ass dress so why not?

I put the outfit on, sprayed a vanilla mist on my hair, and opted for a natural makeup look. Ready to be out.

______

“Stephanie take it!”, Jasper egged me on, trying to get me to take a hit of the blunt that was being passed around close to almost 1 in the morning. Me,Left,Jasper, Mike G, and Hodgy was standing in the middle of the yard surrounded by a bunch of other people. I don’t smoke, funny I was hanging with all of them but we were just talking about random crap. Lucas sat near, with his girlfriend on his lap.

“No fat ass, get that shit out my face!”, I said coughing and laughing, bumping into someone.

“Oh sorry!”, I turned around, face to face with Frank. I really tried hard not to fan girl. Tyler havent introduced me yet.

“It’s ok”, he said laughing. Then looked at me with squinted eyes.

“Stephanie right?”

“Uh, yeaa”, I said weirdly pushing a strand of hair out my face.

Then he gave me this smile.

“Heard a lot about you”, he said still smiling, nodding his head then sipping his drink.

“Like what?”, I said curiously.

“Well you-”

“HEYYYYYYY!!!”, Yara screams, cutting him off, approaching us then giving me a hug.

“Bitchh!”, I said hugging her back. Then Lego came up to us for a photo.

“Take a picture niggas”, he said.

Frank grinning widely got right in the middle. We all cheesed. Then we all started laughing then-

“I GOT COLD CAPRI SUNS FOR ALL THE CUTE BITCHES!”, Domo randomly announces out.

“UGLY GIRLS GET FAUCET WATER!”.

We all start laughing again. That nigga was high as hell. For a party with close friends, there sure was alot of people here. Then realizing I havent even seen Tyler since I been here.

“You guys see Ty?”, I asked.

“Why?”, Frank asked giving me the same smile from before.

“Why you keep looking at me like that!?”, I asked.

“Actually he told me to tell you to go in the house. Upstairs, room on the right”, he says.

Furrowing my eyebrows together.

Frank put his hands up, silently agreeing to the confusion.

I shrugged my shoulders then walked through the crowd, toward the house. Or should I say mansion.

____

As I approach the closed door, all I hear are piano notes. I slowly open it and there I see him. Sitting in front of a computer, bumping his head with headphones, playing with the piano that was on the side of him. I clear my throat, hoping for him to hear me. That was a fail. So I walked up behind him, and put my hands over his eyes.

“What the fuck!”, he jumped up, snatching the headphones off his head, turning around facing me. I started laughing hysterically.

“Yo! I thought I was about to be raped or some shit.!”, he said now laughing with me.

“So what ya need me here for, you want me to hit you with some bars?”, I giggled and asked taking a seat on the chair he sat on. I started pressing piano keys.

“Noooooo,”, he said spinning the chair around, softly grabbing me off it. Then he took the seat.

“Wait why you here? And how’d you find me?”, he asked making a gun with his hands, a confused smile on his face.

“Frank told me that you told him to tell me-,”

“Uh, nevermind, i’ll get that bitch later.”

“Oh yea, so I need that album listening”, I reminded him.

“Oh fuck!”, he said putting his hand on his face.

“It’s whatever, dude.”, I said.

“No, I really need to get this off my chest.”, he finally said.

“What…?”, I asked.

Then he grabbed my hand sitting me on his lap.

“Whoa, swag Tyler.”, I said jokingly, seeing where this was going. Loving every minute of it.

We both laughed and as it settled, a quietness hit the room.

“No like…I uhh..fuck. Frank..fuck.”, Tyler mumbled.

“What?”, I said laughing confusing.

He sighed.

“I like you…a lot.”, he said

Butterflies came as the words sunk in.

“I…”, I trailed off looking down.

“I…like you a lot too.”, I gave a small, shy smile.

We looked into each others eyes, feeling those feelings, that come right before a…

[akxyaptn-blog]

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