#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating

[girlcrushau]

[brattybottomdyke]

vent post

[moonsorchid]

Rewatching ep.28 of Love Between Fairy and Devil and having some *cough* strong emotions

Part 1 (because I have a lot to talk about)

(spoilers ahead)

Um, what does that butterfly do to Shangque?

Shangque, baby, no, no, no, no, don't do this to yourself

I can never get tired of Canglan sea visuals

So Jieli has to keep taking an antidote every three days? I had totally forgotten about that. I try to find reasons to justify Ronghao’s actions – apart from him being a total snack – and I am sorry but I fail

Oh, my baby is at the bridge. She is so happy! I was so happy too when I first watched this scene. If only I knew

Look how happy he is too! He is finally smiling naturally. So excited that he will meet Xiao Lanhua at the bridge

But hey, will his brother let him be happy? Noooooooo. Little brat

Btw, if I was Dongfang Qingcang and people were outside my palace messing with my personal life, I wouldn’t have kept my cool

This whole scene of people asking him to kill Xiao Lanhua, is causing me nausea, and I wish I was kidding

But I have to pause and admire DFQC’s costume and the light. He looks majestic and there has never been a scene where he looks more a King than this one – I think

For a moment there I thought he was going to burn them all and I got excited. But he just used like one of the last three remaining blasts of hellfire to half destroy a pillar

Xunfeng, seriously, please get a hobby, do something else with your life other than trying to ruin your brother’s life – yes, I am angry, very angry

DFQC is way calmer than I could ever be. He explains eloquently why Xiao Lanhua is the best and how he has helped him. He has come such a long way

I hate though that the kingdom learns first that he loves her and wants to marry her before she does

Awwwweeee, he wanted to prepare the greatest wedding for her. Now I am sad. We never got to see that wedding. Petition for a season 2 to see the wedding

Question: DFQC realized in Lucheng that Xiao Lanhua is the goddess of Xishan. Why doesn’t he reveal this information now to stop them from b*tching about her being a fairy?

Xiao Lanhua is waiting at the bridge

Awwwwe

Oh now, you are all “Please think twice” and you act like you care for your brother. You exhaust me, Xunfeng

Xiao Lanhua is still waiting and it’s night now

Oh no, not the scene with the spikes. Not my baby. I am not emotionally ready. Nooooooooo

I had not prepared any tissues – I am keeping them for ep. 31 – but I feel like I will need them. Damn, it's so much harder to watch this scene for the second time. I don’t want anyone hurting them, I can’t!

And they keep on hitting the spike over and over and over again. *trying not to cry*

Xiao Lanhua is still waiting. I mean they could have done that with the spikes the next day. Let them have a romantic night for crying out loud

Aaaawe, he arrived. My heart.

This should have been the most romantic scene of the show, not one of the most heartbreaking scenes *pouting*

Their first kiss as a couple *melting*

Love how she pulls away and he still wants to kiss. Not sure if that was in the script *wink wink*

Why did her bracelet do that sparkle thingy? What did that mean? Why now?

Poor DFQC and poor Xiao Lanhua

I hadn’t realized on my first watch that he created thunder. So, Xiao Lanhua knew exactly how he felt

He went through all this excruciating pain and he still thinks of keeping her warm

Awe the marriage proposal. Finally something cheerful. I love that he had planned to have the proposal the day after they would hang the locks at the bridge. Who knew he would be so romantic *heart shaped eyes*

Xiao Lanhua is all like I don’t care about the treasures and stuff, but look, I made you this grass bracelet, will you marry me? She always has a way to subvert his expectations, right?

Oh come on, Xunfeng, let them kiss! I wanted to end this part on a good note, but you just had to show up like a fart during a date

Stopping here and pretending Xunfeng never happened. They just got engaged, grass bracelet and all, they are happy and ready to kiss.

Part 2 coming soonish (depending on my blood pressure I guess)

[drdemonprince]

I had a great time this afternoon but no matter how genuinely good I feel around people, I always feel exhausted afterwards. I am going to rest now but I really would love if I didn't feel like this every single time. I've been trying to do it for months and I feel good, happy for being around people I can talk with and spend a good time all around, and I cherish that time. I also know that good feeling is gonna help me feel better tomorrow, but tonight I just feel like I climbed a really big mountain. Do you think it's bad if I never stop feeling this tired after spending time around people?

It's not bad at all. I think it might be more productive for you to plan around it and treat it as a thing to expect rather than an outcome to avoid or a sign that you've done something wrong. People experience big drops from all kinds of lovely experiences -- after sex or kinky scenes, after conventions, after vacations, after a great date -- it's not only an Autistic experience and it's not a sign of a failure, but rather the body regulating itself after a peak of energy and connectedness. It's also one part of realizing just how much you enjoyed the experience and how much it meant to you. Returning to everyday life can feel like drudgery in comparison, and the stimulation of the moment might have been exhausting to process because it was so meaningful to you, or because you don't get that kind of closeness a lot. I'd encourage you to keep at it, budgeting in time for rest and recovery, and make a plan for how you will soothe any negative emotions you feel in addition to the exhaustion. I find that spending a lot of time with good people exhilarates me, but also drains me enough that I find old videos and videogames that sometimes bore me interesting again. Leaving the house makes returning home feel nicer than staying there, holding those two experiences in balance helps me cherish both things. You may also find that with practice you get less emotionally flooded by some of these experiences, which could be a great bonus if you do want to socialize even more, but it's fine if it never changes.

[mermaidsirennikita]

Which historical romance books would you recommend to someone who would like to get into the genre but doesn't know where to start? So far my preferred genre was fantasy romance but I think I exhausted it completely at this point so I'm looking for something new. I tried Bridgerton but I didn't like, so I would appreciate any other recommendation. Thank you in advance.

Hey! I am happy to offer some recs. Imo, the Bridgerton books are kinda dated and work for a very *specific* reader, so it's not surprising to me that it wouldn't work. We can find something!

Sarah MacLean is a great gateway--I read every single adult historical she had out when I was first getting back into them in the early pandemic days. She typically writes very strong heroines (not always in a "we do battle" way, but always in mind and heart) and heroes who are just.... like, honestly, MESSES. Guys who can kick ass and fuck hard but are actually, deep within their souls, simps. From her backlist, I'd recommend as entry points:

Nine Rules to Break When Romancing a Rake. Her debut, and I recommend it because it's super compulsively readable and very beloved, with good reason. It's the story of a wallflower type who's like, "Jesus Christ, I am so tired of being this person" and sets out to break these nine "rules" and have adventures. She ends up enlisting this known Slut Man to help her (in exchange for helping introduce his long lost sister to society) and naturally, he is soon after her. I will say, MacLean's first series is the most ballroom that she gets? Her tastes are definitely a bit wilder, and they get so from this book. It's funny, it's sexy, it's a romp. My favorite series of hers is the Rules of Scoundrels series, which is about a group of friends who own a gambling club and like getting emotionally destroyed by their lovers. But since you read fantasy romance, I will also suggest...

Wicked and the Wallflower. This is the first in her Bareknuckle Bastards series, which has a very fantastical, fairy tale-like premise. Basically, this guy's wife gave birth to an illegitimate daughter. At the same time, he had three illegitimate sons born together. So--girl not his, sons his. But he claimed the girl was a son upon baptizing her, and decided he'd pick which son was worthy of being his heir in what was essentially an extended CHILD BATTLE ROYALE. Anyway, the books focus on the grown children years later--two of the sons have become rulers of the London Underworld, taking the girl with them. It's wild, it's fun, the stakes are high.

Lisa Kleypas is a classic writer of the genre. She tends to write very emotional books, often focusing on very competent heroes (except that time she didn't and everyone clapped). For her, I always recommend her most famous series--it's a great crowd pleaser.

The Wallflowers. Four friends who are striking out on the marriage mart agree that at all costs, they will help each other find husbands this season. I recommend reading these in order, but the two strongest entries are It Happened One Autumn (book 2, an enemies to lovers situation, he's uptight and she's wild) and Devil in Winter (villainous hero enters into a marriage of convenience with the shy girl, gets absolutely emotionally compromised because she's actually everything), which MUST be read in order for max enjoyment. All the books are good, though, and book 1 is a great start with this kind of indecent proposal angle.

Monica McCarty's Highland Guard series could work for ya! It's a medieval series that centers on this group of knights who do these kind of black ops missions for Robert the Bruce as he's trying to take the Scottish throne. There's a lot of history, battling, Secret Love Shit. The first book is The Chief, which centers on the leader, this cool and stern guy who ends up in an arranged marriage situation with this woman who wants to Know Him Emotionally. These books have tons of adventure.

The Uptown Girls by Joanna Shupe. This series focuses on three sisters of a prominent man in Gilded Age New York, all of whom get into various types of trouble, some of which does involve organized crime. Fun and scandalous~ with a bit of danger. Also, super sexy.

Elizabeth Hoyt's Maiden Lane series is a great one that takes place in Georgian England. Lots of working class characters, walking on the wild side, danger. I'd recommend starting with book 3 (Scandalous Desires) as a starter, as it centers on a river pirate who basically takes this widow woman into his lair~ (he's actually trying to keep her and his daughter, who she's been caring for, safe--but he has ulterior motives, obvi). These books are super hot and often quite daring. Some of my personal favorites.

I think these are some options you can sample and maybe find a match or several with--imo, finding your niche is important. Like, I know Julia Quinn often doesn't work for me because I prefer books that are a bit ... heavier? And definitely with more sex and passion, often with less focus on the marriage mart. With exceptions, clearly!

[ofthatcolossalwrxck]

Entry date: 9th of September

First ever diary entry . . Usually , I would keep personal things like this in a notebook . But circumstances have happened . . I did try and keep an actual journal as per what my therapist had suggested , but oddly enough , while my memory has been getting A bit Bad lately , there's been someone tearing off pages in my original diary — I suspect because I i recall writing the old entries every day of the week , yet there's huge gaps in between . And and there are marks to suggest this . . I figure it would be best to encapsulate all my thoughts , my progress , and feelings into something non physical .

So as I write this , I'm currently on my second night of taking the anti - psychotics my therapist has prescribed me . I thought at first that I would be able to handle the side effects , but now that constant tired feeling I normally get just became into this this This guttural exhaustion that's weighing down every ounce of muscle . I asked my therapist about this , and she had said that it's a common side effect apparently . Still , I tried to make dinner earlier But I ended up just standing there . Just slowly falling asleep mid-way and what woke me up was my hand having to be on top of my stove .

Even while I'm writing this , I still feel so tired . And my hand aches so bad , it always has been but now it's aching even more now . The worst part ? It was today that I finally released my hands from the unclean , white gauze . I had them for a while to avoid looking at how frail they look , but y'know I was feeling quite confident today . Now I have to wrap it around again with bandages for the time being . . is it just me or does it feel like for each step I take forward , there's always always a step back ?

I knew healing wouldn't be this easy . . but I thought it would be easy to motivate myself into doing it . I i am not exactly healing for myself after all , it really is the least thing I can do for the people I hurt in the past . . but

No no excuses . I need to continue my way . I have made it this far after all and I can't just quit t . But oh good god , the weariness is catching up to me . I don't like how there might be someone reading my entries and removing parts of them , I i have reason to suspect , and I don't like how the medication makes me feel like I feel so emotionally subdued in a Way that's so so Calm it really is so calm in here but it's scary . The calmness is the most eerie part of all , I'm not used to it I'm not used to the quiet peace

I can try and endure it for a bit but but I really. really am not used to it . There was just something about that supposed chaos in my brain that fel t like home , y'know ? Like it was a bad kind of home yeah but it was home anyways . . In here , I feel quite foreign . I hadn't realized how much I missed being around L'manburg — or at least what remains of it . But the thing is I don't know what exactly do I miss . The memories it feels like it was ripped away to the back of my head , and it slips every now and then to prove its existence but even so It's

I don't know . I don't know I really don't know but it's it's something . There's something about this new place I'm in that's scary , and that says a lot since there are way too much pitfalls and holes to stumble down upon in L'manburg's remains . In here the way the birds chirp and sing is so Nice that it's too nice , like that's exactly how I feel about my neighbors . They just it's too nice around here .

I i think is the problem , but it doesn't really sound like a problem so I don't know ! I don't know what's up and that's what's bothering me . . Am I just that so far gone that my mind is forever entrenched in chaos ? Am I ruined ? Am I doomed can i even be fixed at this point ?

my head Hurts from thinkjng about this . I i think I'll mull over it later Thinking so late in night is unhealthy for me anyways . this concludes my first entry and now i just have to pray that as the weeks go by this huge ache stuck in my chest does too

[hotsugarbyglassanimals]

parental venting ✌️

Took years for my mom to rebuild her goodwill for me after subjecting me to complete hell as a teen and then undid it within 3 months cause her trauma around drugs made her using weed to self medicate. For the record, her self medicating made her stop being a complete nightmare towards me. when my sister still lived with us, she and I basically had to keep hammering it in to her how vicious she gets without it.

I literally begged her in tears to either find some alternate treatment method (like ADHD meds) or keep self medicating cause I couldnt live with her being so nasty towards me again, cause holy shit I dont even know how I survived it in my teen years. I didn’t even know how deep her trauma went past “I worked as a pharmacist in the 80’s/90’s and I saw people on medications getting worse, and I dont believe people should be on drugs for their entire lives” until she cried yelled at me about how she had to save her aunt from an overdose … I had no idea about that. I (and my sister) wouldnt have pressed so hard about her getting ADHD meds if I knew but she never *said* anything. She didn’t tell me her pain was worse with weed (we talked about it more later and it was basically removing the filter for the pain)

But beyond that she said she’s never doing therapy again, that she is finding herself and will be meditating on answers, and that she won’t change because I want her to cause everyone has dictated what she should be… I was literally trying to stop her from fucking everything up between us again. She would always complain before about how I never talk to her during and after my teen years and its like. You did this. This is of your own making. And I was trying to stop it again, but she cannot grasp the concept of others wanting better for her or wanting to take care of her. She literally didn’t understand why my sister wanted to offer financial support and make sure she has a safety net.

God even when I was a teen it was like. You dont understand why I leave messes? Why I never “try” my absolute hardest? Why my hygiene is awful? Why I go to bed at 2 am and why I start my homework at 11 pm? Why I always felt tired (not sleepy exhaustion, but fatigue)? I told her it was ADHD, that I should get a diagnosis, but she didn’t want to put me on “meth” and that I should just build a routine and make schedules. Not listening when I told her it feels impossible. Then yelling at me and calling me lazy lazy lazy.

I know she was dealing with intense stress cause my dad was an emotionally cheating bastard, but god. I became suicidal for fucks sake. Nevermind the fact I was dating my ex which is a whole other can of worms but. Why scream at your child that you never got to assert your own identity because you were frustrated that they said “they” when you called them “she”, as an example. That’s just a microcosm of it all.

She isn’t nearly as bad now but I shouldn’t start disassociating and actually contemplate offing myself cause I messed up and made another inedible recipe ,

I dont know how much longer childhood attachment up until age 13 can carry this relationship

[endorstoiii]

My wright #3 - I'm back

I know I've been very far from tumblr for a long time, but I had no idea my last appearance here was on Feb 20th. Long four months that, honestly, felt like just a few weeks.

I don't remember the exact reason why I got offline, but I suppose it was a huge amount of tasks (home + course), and add it tons and tons of exhaustion (mental, emotional and physical).

It's no surprise that my life only gets worse, and I'm not exaggerating or being dramatic or playing the victim. I really mean it. Also, I'm not being negative and pessimist. Nothing works for me. I am unemployed and I'm looking for a job for three years. Ok, we had a fucking pandemic in the middle of the process, but things are back to normal already and everyone I know had success after all of that. Except for me. Do you know how fucked up is it to be unemployed? It more than sucks. I only get older (and more tired) and it hinders to find a job. Not only "I am too old" to get a beginners job, but also I feel so uncapable, psicologically I am destroyed because no matter how hard I try to get my shit together, nothing works. I even get some job interviews, but I never step forward. I can't get a job as a designer. I can't get a job as anything else — I tried to get a job on many different areas, except for seller cause the pressure is way too much for me to handle (I am way too bad already, I can't get any worse or God knows what may happen) — I can't get any little ray of success at anything at all. Why? Is it me?

Honestly, I don't think I am the problem. Not anymore. I used to think I was terrible as a student, as a designer and then I would be a terrible professional as well. Plus, I am too shy and dumb, I wouldn't know what to do in much pressure, and job recruiters know that and would never approve me. But no. I know I am good in what I do. Obviously I'm not the best (and I think I don't even want to be, so that's ok), but I'm good and I deserve more. I am so attentious, cautios and passionate (finally! this would be a good topic to write about: my passion for design). And being shy and dumb? Like... Everyone is hah I know people who are even shyer and dumber, and they have a job, they do a great work. So, no. I am not the problem. So, the only answer I can think of is: external influence. I am the least spiritual person I know (another good topic to write about), but oh man, it's the only thing that makes any sense to me. I believe the horrendous, deep and negative energy of the enviroment I live in, unfortunately influences my paths. And not only to get a job, but to anything to me. For example, I can't have a date. I can't. My life is too bad, my psychologic is too bad, my emotional too bad. This is all because of this fucking shitty energy of the enviroment I live in.

Well, no surprises here. But yeah my life was a mess and got even worse. It gets worse with time. And as if everything isn't all fucked up already, my grandma (who is kinda still recovering from her knee fracture) fell of the stairs and broke her two wrists. Now, again, me and my mom have to take care of her — but this time we must keep our eyes on her all. the. time. Do you know how exhausting and demanding taking care of an old person can be??? I had no clue until last year when she broke her knee, now it's her knee and two arms. My God.

Just when I thought I was getting a bit better, I got totally worse again. But now I feel like I'm a little bit less shitty than I was a couple of months ago. Seriously, about two months ago I was so bad as I've never been my whole life :( I tried looking for psychological help but, uh oh, how will I afford it if I'm unemployed? I can't get better psychologically, I can't get better emotionally, I can't get better financially, I can't get better in any layer of life... However, these past weeks I felt a little motivation to just keep on going one day at a time, I miss tumblr and I miss my friends & mutuals, I miss doing those tagging post stuff. These are some of the things that bring me some joy :) despite feeling the worst ever, I want to be here and I want to keep on doing, cause if I don't, I will probbaly disassociate for real and I don't even know what's next.

This is probably the longest text post I've written here, but well deserved cause four months away from my safe place... It's a lot. I don't know how long this motivation phase will take, I hope it's like before. But while I'm here, I want to be here.

[queerstake]

I'm sorry for sending this, but I'm. In kind of a weird spot. I don't really have many other places i can turn. I figured out several years ago that i am aro/ace, and for awhile I just thought that was okay. Still okay with church. Just more open than others might be to the queer community. But it's gotten so hard as I've come to fully understand myself. That I'm non-binary. That I am pan for tertiary/alterous attraction. And now I've got a genderfluid datemate. I love them with all my heart. They aren't part of the church. I didn't tell them that I was raised LDS until after we started dating, but they realized a long while ago. They've been supportive and understanding of my position through everything.

But I have a hard time with a lot of the culture that has developed around the church, and I find I don't want to go anymore. Maybe it would be easier if I knew more queer members, but I don't. Any friends i have learned are queer have left.

My family isn't friendly to the queer community, which hurts like hell, because I want to tell them about my partner. My family means so much to me. I want them to be okay with the fact that I still believe in God and Jesus, but I just don't want to be "active".

Even being a "good active member" is mentally exhausting for me. It puts so much mental and social strain on me. Social stuff is extremely mentally exhausting for me. Doesn't help that my dad is emotionally abusive. I know it isn't like this for everyone, but I'm just so tired.

I don't have a lot of people in my life that really understand where I'm at, I'm so sorry for dumping this here. You can delete it. Thank you for what you do, hope you're safe and well.

Hi anon. Your message is about a year old as I'm answering it now, and I'm sorry for making you wait so long. I had some work to do myself before I could dedicate myself to this blog fully, and now that I'm here and ready, I want to start tackling the inbox.

Given that it's been so long, I'm sure your life has changed since you sent this message. I hope you're doing better.

Your message sounds very familiar, actually. I'm also an aroace and trans member. By the time covid came around and church meetings stopped for a period of time, I myself was worn out from struggling to keep up. I think you and me felt much the same. I used the excuse of covid to take a brief church break to figure out how I was going to make being a queer mormon work. I felt awful for having to take time off, but in the end, it really was the right choice for me. I was able to work on myself and my relationship to the church while setting aside some of the pressure I had put myself under for so long and now that I've built myself up stronger, I'm able to come back and foster a healthier relationship to the church.

I'm so glad you have a good relationship with your datemate to help you during this time! Being a queer mormon is really hard. We have to make concessions and reckon with our faith the way many straight mormons don't have to. It IS exhausting. I imagine god has put your datemate in your life in order to help give you the support you need right now.

If you or anyone else needs permission, please DO take a break. God doesn't want you to suffer, and you can't foster a good relationship with him if you're suffocating. Taking a break or not being active is not a bad thing. In fact, it was a REALLY good thing for me and really helped me come back to church even stronger than before.

I'm sorry to hear you were and are going through so much anon, and I hope some of the things I've said at least have helped you feel not alone. If you are able to take a break from church right now, I encourage you to do it! Heal and wrestle with god on your own time. You don't owe anyone anything, and god will be there with you no matter where you go. If you are unable to take a break for some other reason, know you're not alone. We understand you, we've been through the things you're going through, you're welcome to reach out any time you need support. Being a queer mormon is so hard and can be so lonely. Your queer siblings and your heavenly father are here for you.

[blackwoolncrown]

Omg I didn’t even get to my actual point though. I think dating is inherently fucked up USUALLY bc it presents a logical dilemma, esp within current day contexts. This train of thought comes from me thinking about why I so violently dislike being approached for connection by men ‘on the street’ no matter how polite they are. This is why:

If you see me and that makes you want to come over and talk to me, you’ve judged by appearance.

You’ve also committed the sin of bothering me which sucks bc I’m both autistic and not-exactly-humble and I think any man should know better than to approach me. This is not a joke. Mind your business.

If you want to be my friend I’m kind of annoyed bc like again you know nothing about me. You just saw me and walked up to me and asked for my number after a few short words. I’m in this weird position also of agreeing w the idea that women and men can be friends and not wanting to talk to any man I don’t already know and consider family unless he‘s my husband or planning to be. That’s just how I feel. I gotta accept that.

If you approach me for dating from just seeing me now I think you’re presumptive and impulsive and I doubt your judgment. Do you go after every pretty face you see? I get that I’m actually pretty unique (for better or worse I’m ‘exotic’ wherever I go bc of my race + manner of dress) but come on.

If I decide to intentionally date I have to put myself in a pool of ppl who are also intentionally dating. Only lovelessness seeks love! Furthermore the idea of writing a profile that explains who I am and what I want both cuts out the very important work of getting to know my in person and more importantly gives a man a checklist of who to pretend to be in order to curry my favor. And given that we both are ‘seeking’ partnership we both as people are emotionally incentivized to stay high on hopium in regards to the other person bc everyone‘s goal is to find ‘the one‘.

The more you date the more tired of dating you get, and in this exhaustion you’re more likely to trick yourself into seeing things that arent there.

So it’s like....this is a set up. There is no reasonable way to go about this iMO.

I swear by praying to gxd and then meeting someone during an activity I was going to be doing anyway.

[melancholymarigold]

to all of the people i’ve loved before

i have come to the conclusion that i was/am so remarkably easy to be with because i’m full of phrases like “whatever works for you” & “i’m down for anything” & “i just want you to be happy.”

what time should i be there? whatever works for you!

want to hang out with my friends tonight instead of going on the date we planned? i’m down for anything.

i’m going to cross every boundary you’ve put in place (which are minimal) & take advantage of your kindness (which is bountiful) & essentially ruin your life (even though you don’t deserve it)—is that alright?

i just want you to be happy.

i’m accommodating. agreeable. compliant. amenable. placating. go with the flow. whatever works for you down for anything just want YOU to be happy.

even if that means I’M not happy.

because you didn’t ask did you? because if you did, i would’ve said:

no, i’d rather you stick to your word & come see me when you said you would, not wait for me to come up the following weekend because you’re tired.

actually, i’m not okay with you cheating on me with a teenager &, instead of blaming it on your inability to communicate, blaming me because we had a rough patch the year before that. oh, & then doing it again, with a woman 10 years old than me who has a child the age of the last one.

i’m not cool with the fact that you asked to “pursue me” while you were in a relationship with your now wife + the soon to be mother of your child. i’m also not cool with the fact that you said it was a mistake when i rejected you & continue to allow her to believe that i’m the one after you.

i actually wasn’t super stoked that you lied to me for months about your post-graduation plans & signed to a college without telling me first (or even asking me to be there). i wasn’t stoked when you tried to pressure me into having sex with you, then talked shit about me to your friends & let them call me “abusive” when i wasn’t ready. wasn’t stoked that you irreparably ruined my relationships with my high school friends or when you all showed up to my dad’s funeral & then planned where to go to dinner afterwards in the lobby. or how you called me when you found out your dad was sick. how i was there for you as he died, because you knew i would be. expected it, even. or how all i needed from you was proof that you would try for me, just enough, & when you couldn’t give me that, you turned around within a month & gave it to somebody else.

& i will never get over how you mentally + emotionally abused me for years. how you kissed me + told me you loved me while you fucked other girls + begged for naked pictures or their bodies + took them out on nights when i was busy. when you took her to the movies even though you knew i’d be there with my friends. i will never be able to forget how you strung me along & taught me how to truly feel the most devastating of taylor swift songs & didn’t give a damn about what you were doing to me. how you took my mornings, afternoons, evenings, + midnights & let me cry for you when you didn’t even think twice about me on any given day. how you stole my heart during my first real relationship. how i spent my days in paradise exhausted because i found sweet somethings in your good for nothings. how it was always my fault that we weren’t together. couldn’t be. wouldn’t be. & then, when you tried to get in my pants, in my heart, for the last time—mere moments before you proposed to her.

i regret all of you. all of the time. but then i think, maybe i wouldn’t have to, if i didn’t give your happiness or desires or whatever works for you space.

how do i close the gap between “come see me this weekend or not at all” & “actually, i’d rather you not have a fiancé if we’re gonna hook up”? is it possible at this point?

let me know—when you can of course, no rush at all.

[luke-o-lophus]

Gonna write out stuff from my journal because I feel a certain way today. TW for dark thoughts, mentions of abuse, potential suicidal connotations under the cut.

Date: 11.07.2022

I don't know if I will be able to do it. I wish I could. I wish I could write the details of being blackmailed or...emotionally tortured or...sexually assaulted. There's this weird duality of me wanting to document so I don't forget, and wanting to write it then have it out of my sight. I am exhausted. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep and ...not wake up for a while. Nothing I want really works out.

I just want to be good. It's all I've ever wanted. Just good. I don't suppose I am capable of that, though. I am unwell. I don't think I'll be well despite my efforts. I'm so tired of trying. Trying and failing. Just trying to get the message across that I wanna be good. I wanna stop hurting almost all the time. I just wanna belong.

But I don't. I just don't. And once when I thought I finally did, the rug was pulled from right underneath me. I...don't belong anywhere. Nothing, nobody feels like home. There's no place I wanna be, nowhere that I wanna go. I don't think I have too much left to do here. I wish I did. I really wish. Oh dear lord I wish it so damn much.

Maybe I should write those incidents in third person. The detachment might make it easier to write. This is about her after all. She is the protagonist. The girl who never grew up because her circumstances forced her to become me. Someone who wasn't meant to be, to exist. A twisted version of what the world had asked for. She deserved better. This is for her, this is her story. She deserved better. She is dying to be heard. She is dying.

[groggyaeneator]

More emotionally mature post about the situation, now that some time has passed. (Posting this so it can be linked in my pin, followers dw about it)

The old post is still up if you wanna dig through my personal tag for it, but I'm not going to link it here. But as I said in that one, this is not meant to be a callout post. This is me processing and trying my best to clear up misconceptions about me. Please do not go after June. Please do not rope June back into this. The only reason I'm making this is because I'm still catching wind of folks connected to her checking up on this blog. And at this point, I'm just tired, and I don't need her trying to retaliate against me or rope ME back into this.

June was and continues to be emotionally abusive towards me. I'm not saying this without basis. I've been avoiding using the word abusive to describe it for a while, and only after my therapist's insistence and support am I calling it that. I have the messages archived where she would gaslight me, daily, to the point I fell into a suicidal spiral. (Gaslight is another word I have hesitated to use, until my therapist broke it down for me and made me come to terms with the truth of it.) I have the messages where I was confused and crying and just trying to understand why she was mad at me, where she responded in threats to break up with me, hurt me, or come to my house and kill me. I have the constant reminders of the people who I was outed to, after she block evaded me through a friend who she convinced I was about to attempt suicide to, with disastrous consequences. I have the evidence of property of mine that has been destroyed by her. I have the memories, of the times where she endangered my life and called me paranoid, silly, and in need of mental help when I insisted that she not put me in harms way. This isn't exhaustive, but I don't really want to go into the deeper stuff. I was not the worlds best boyfriend; I had paranoia issues that led to me needing a lot of reassurance, and I probably wasn't in a good place for a romantic relationship, but I don't think this takes away from what was done to me. Part of me, also, still believes that June's a good person at heart, who does not realize she was this abusive towards me, even though all of my friends and my therapist seem to think it was intentional and calculated. I want to say June is a good person who just got in her own head. I really want to believe that.

I still don't know what June has been saying about me, aside from the context of my ban from Elekk and the anon hate I've gotten here about the situation. But I do know she's been spreading that I block evaded her, and while I guess on SOME level that's very technically true, I think it was justified and I want to explain myself:

For starters, towards the end of our relationship, June had made a habit of blocking me, unblocking me to say something rude, then blocking me again. She would also have me blocked on one platform, then continue to engage with me on another. She has block evaded me before, with the worst case mentioned above, but that wasn't the only time. A week prior to her getting me banned from Elekk, I noticed I was blocked by her partner on fedi, and approached her on snapchat about it, not asking for an explanation or demanding she get involved, but just letting her know "Hey, if I did something to offend [partner], I want to right whatever I did if it's possible. If you don't know anything, don't worry about it, no need to get involved, I'm not owed an explanation." June responded by encouraging me and then pressuring me to message her partner on other platforms to seek an explanation, which I declined, before she got angry with me and I stopped responding. All things considered, "block evasion" did not ring high for me of a boundary that June regarded very highly.

A week after she encouraged me to block evade her parnet, she messaged me on snapchat about something silly that happened to her on a dating app, I responded with a joke, and then I got off work to find out that I was blocked by her on snapchat and that our conversation history had been deleted. Something about snapchat, if you are unaware, is that once someone blocks you you cannot block them back because their profile does not show up. Knowing this, and having been coming to terms with the nature of our relationship in therapy, I was ready for this to be over with and I really did not want June to unblock me later and try to engage with me again. So, I sent her a text message explaining as much. Was this text message perfectly worded? No. It was messy, sloppy, and emotionally fueled. But the message served to tell her that I no longer wanted her to contact me or use my friends as ways of getting around contacting me, that I did not want to interact with her further, that I wanted her to keep me blocked/block me elsewhere and forget about me.

When I got off work the next day, I opened fedi to people calling me a creep. I was banned from my instance. I opened tumblr to find my inbox filled with anon hate. (I have no idea what she has said about me specifically, I never attempted to check up on her socials or seek out what was being said, but I in no way believe it can be honest considering this reaction.) In the ensuing week(s), I find out that June has attempted to match with one of my closest friends on tinder and has continued to try to reach out to another one of my friends on snapchat to convince them to leave me. These are two people who have only ever interacted with June through me, who June has even tried to cut me off from. Rather than leave me alone, she has continued to try to weasel into my life through adjacent means.

I don't see it ending any time soon. I really do just want to be left alone. There are more wounds from this relationship than what I initially suspected, and I am trying to heal through them with therapy and reconnecting to the friends I neglected during this relationship. I am hurt and broken in ways that I can't even begin to describe. But I am also really working on getting better. Thankfully I have wonderful friends and a great support network, and a solid future ahead of me.

If you came to my blog to try to harass me or check up on me, I just want you to first consider if you're doing anything better than what June has accused me of. I also want you to take a moment and consider who you trust, and how quickly you trust them, and if you enable them or white knight for them, especially if you only know them from behind a screen. Lastly, I just want to be left alone, so I can grow, heal, and move on. Thank you.

[wordsofapanda]

My sleep has been so off lately. I thought it was due to weed but I realized it’s just mental exhaustion. I have a feeling that my brain is playing catch up with my feelings/emotions. I’ve been processing so much lately in my romantic life and work life. I’ve been trying to heal but also stay above water and it’s a tough thing to juggle. Even though my hours at work are capped, I’m doing more things after work than ever. I’m going out more, I’m catching up on so many doctor appointments, and I’m trying to soak up most of my day. I simultaneously feel like I’m doing a great and horrible job at it. I got 3 dates this week; one is my first date with a girl which is so nerve wrecking. I’m making sure I’m getting cupping to release some stress in my back. I am social now more than ever while trying to be more financially literate. I’m trying to maximize efficiency at work while adapting to others schedules. I’m constantly going to therapy every week to make sure I don’t stop having the difficult conversations. I’m advocating for myself more and more. The culmination of all of these factors have made my bodies tolerance lower. I struggle to wake up in the morning and stay up. I’m trying my best and it’s good enough for me even if it means I have to nap every single day. A part of me is still having a hard time grasping that I’m working less hours and feeling more tired. It’s just a weird concept to me. But I’m trying to remind myself that there’s a lot on my plate emotionally and I’m doing the best that I can at the moment. And that’s good enough.

[edwardslostalchemy]

So I'm upset. I don't want to get too excited about guys anymore. It really hurts my feelings and I feel like garbage when I notice they stop interacting with me, especially after the first date. I feel like I mess something up or I did something they didn't like or they realized maybe I'm not their type. But they still keep talking to me. And I mean cool, but also I don't know anymore. I don't know if guy man asking me out to dinner was because he was into me or something else, but that week we were talking up til the date, he was talking to me a lot. And then after, it slowed down a lot. He doesn't really answer me much and it makes me sad because I want to believe it's not about me. I want to think he's busy, he's working, he's tired, he's napping, he's doing something important. But I'm also here, doing all those things, but still set aside a little bit of time to send him a message. And I'm not very good at these things. I get too excited. I am not subtle at all and I am obvious about my feelings because I find no point in trying to hide them when I want for someone to know I like them. I don't tell them directly I'm attracted to them, but I give them hints, I even said I miss him, but I think I made a mistake. Like I'm not supposed to show a sign of weakness because it's not a good thing. But I'm just really transparent about things.

I'm flattered he asked me to dinner. I'm happy he accepted to eat with my parents and I this past weekend. I want to be okay and think that maybe I'm just thinking too fast. But also I realized how I want to spend time with him gives me an ache in my chest and I want to see him.

I'm also annoyed because my mom, although having good intentions, is making me feel really pressured? Like she is excited for me and I appreciate it so much! I really do! I love her and I understand she wants to help me. It's one thing for me to tell people about guy man asking me out to dinner. I know who to tell and who not to tell. My mom gets very excited and tells everyone. Everyone. And the first couple of times it's funny, it's cute. But afterwards, it's like can you please stop it? Especially right now when I don't know where he and I stand. And my mom told my brother and she told one of my aunt's today and I was not okay with that because it's too much for me. Like after hearing "he took her out to dinner!!" so many times, it loses it's charm and it makes me self-conscious because he hasn't been as chatty or. As interested like he was a couple of weeks ago. So I'm just like! Stop! So I got tired and told her not to tell everyone about the date anymore. And she was like "what's wrong with that?" And I told her I don't even know if he really likes me or what and she said it's okay to have friends. And I'm like. Yeah it's fine to have friends! I have dozens of them! I'm not looking for ANOTHER friend. I'm looking for a boyfriend. And if he gives me mixed signals, I am going to have a melt down because we are both old enough to communicate clearly with words our intentions and it drives me insane that he doesn't. Like i asked him out for coffee and he said he's busy, and I said maybe next weekend and he hasn't gotten back to me. Like do you know how excruciating it is to wait for a response for a date to tell you yes or no? I'm CRYING about all this. I don't want to be unwell about a man. I'm TIRED. I'm emotionally exhausted from my experience with Matthew. I do NOT want to go through this with guy man, too. I'm not going to text him. He needs to reach out to me. I've had it. I'm tired. I'm sad. Maybe I'm being a brat like herr herr give me attention I deserve it, but i don't want to be the one that does ALL the effort anymore. That's it. I'm done. If he wants to text me or go get coffee, it's on him to answer me. I am not going to make it my problem and I refuse to be upset over a guy.

[all-things-fandomstuck]

First off, this is a rant, and I am pissed. If you don't care, keep scrolling. This is your only warning. Also, mood music, because that's just how I feel about it.

You ever just hit the point where you're fucking done? Like, with an entire person and the situation they put you in, and the situation they want to drag you into?

Because that's me today.

I literally had the thought "I'm tired of following in the shadow of a lesser man who thinks he's a god". And honestly, I'm over it.

Mr. White Knight who thinks he's sacrificed everything for everyone else, who's done nothing but run away and then expects everyone else to follow, and then got pissed off when they got sick of it.

Also, this fucker has the audacity to call his cheating a "rebound". Hey jackass, it's not a fucking rebound if you're still in a god damn relationship. You were fucking married and you fucked a coworker 17 years younger than you, and then went on about how your relationship was already headed towards divorce when you didn't even want to work on it in the first place! Oh, and you had the audacity to tell your wife that you "tried every psychology trick in the book" on her! I hope you never work in the psych field again.

I am, of course, talking about my father. He was never there, and now, he's getting pissed off because his kids don't want to be around his girlfriend. He moved in with her after three months, they've been dating for a year, and now he's all like "I'm going to follow her wherever she goes". However, I have the sneaking suspicion that he's cheating.

And now, he wants to drag me to a state I really don't want to go to on this promise of "Better Opportunities, Theme Parks, and It's gonna be something different!", despite the fact that I've technically lived in that state multiple times, and it's NEVER different. "But you've never lived in that area before!" Good, and I don't want too!

He got all upset when I mentioned my siblings don't want anything to do with his girlfriend, and turned it into a "poor woe is me, my kids hate me". Narcissist much? Honestly, we kind of do, because he's pretending to be a man he's not for points with a woman that he himself once said he "wouldn't have for long". Like, what the fuck does that even mean? And then he said he'd like to marry her one day? But the he got upset when I told him that me and my siblings would never consider her a step mom, just the woman he would be married to? Like, fucker, you're not replacing our mom, you're just moving further out of our lives. And then he had the audacity to go "So I'm never supposed to be happy again?" Honestly, I hope he never is. He doesn't deserve it in my opinion l.

And I've tried explaining things to him, but he doesn't want to listen without turning it into an "everybody hates me" bitch fit.

Not to mention, he wants to treat me like a child while simultaneously telling me to act like an adult. I'm twenty-fucking-three, I stopped being a kid a while ago, please treat me like one. That means quit expecting me to jump whenever you say so while praying it was high enough. I'm not someone who can be bossed around by someone who obviously doesn't know what they're doing. Also, he's banned me from saying the word "seduce" (I was talking about something one of my buddies did as their DND bard) and told me I can't wear certain items of clothing. Bitch, if I wanna wear booty shorts and thigh high boots (not that I would ever), I'm gonna do it! I don't need your approval! And he can't even do the "my house, my rules" thing, because it's his girlfriend's house!

So, I'm done. I'm saving up the money, and I'm leaving. I'm headed back to my mom, and the rest of my family, helping her out, and getting an actual god damn proper meal for once, cause I'm sick of getting bitched at for eating parts of a meal that nobody fucking told me they were making, so I hardly eat anything, and honestly, it's fucking killing me. I'm emotionally exhausted, physically exhausted, because there's three adults in this house, and apparently, nobody knows how to do fucking dishes because they pile and pile and pile, and then its a half hearted "Thank you" when I do them, despite being sick and tired of doing them from my job.

Speaking of, if my fucking bosses could stop jerking my hours around and attempting to change my job description for what little time I'm still gonna be there, that'd be great! Changed me from night shift dishwashing to early morning "Night Cleaning". What the fuck is "Night Cleaning" if I'm coming in at 8 am? And why does it sound like it's just cleaning up the shit that the night crew didn't do?

But yeah, I'm just fed up with everything and everyone. I can't live on my own because it's too damn expensive, I refuse to live with my grandparents again, because I WILL fucking DECK my grandmother if she suggests I switch my degree field one more time.

And that's another thing! She won't stop trying to tell me how to live my life! She keeps trying to get me to go into a trade, or do something else. Today's suggestion was Nursing! I don't want to be a nurse! I want to be an archeologist! And she knows this! She's been trying to convince me to do literally anything else for as long as I can remember. Oh, and she keeps telling me shit like, "When you have kids". Bitch, I'd rather cut out my own damn uterus with a fucking spoon, without pain killers. Or, "When you get married". If I find someone I like who's on my fucking level and will respect me and treat me as such, then, and only then, will I consider the possibility.

I'm just so over these fucking people. So, I'm reclaiming my peace, and cutting them out of my life, because I am DONE. Just plain DONE.

Also, if someone cooks for you, is it really such a difficult thing to eat it? I make enough for people, we even have leftovers, and I'm apparently the only one who will eat them. I made an apple crisp, and I took pride in that damn thing, and everyone had a bit, and then I had more, but it got left to mold! I thought people were eating it, but no! I worked hard on that damn it!

If you read this, thank you for your time. As much as I didn't want to make this post, I felt like I needed to get it out there, and vent, because like I said, I'm done. I'm done playing nice and getting nothing out of it but more pain, and feeling like I'm not good enough for these people. I'm choosing me this time. Also, I might not be on here as much while I get things sorted, so if I drop off, that's why. I hope you all are having a much better day than I am.